Woman Evolve with Sarah Jakes Roberts - Strategy of Favor w/ Touré Roberts

Episode Date: April 20, 2022

The bestie SJR teamed up with her boo thang for this one & W.E. luv to see it! Let’s make some noise for author, entrepreneur, producer, and pastor Touré Roberts! Chile, who knew B A L A N C E was a revolutionary strategy for favor? Plug into this episode as SJR & PT unpack the life of ‘just enough’, the pace of purpose, and the signs of burnout. Sis, favor is attracted to the least of them—that’s it…that’s the sermon! W.E. are praying for your courage to trust life again, to believe in God’s grace, and to show up for yourself daily. Start the journey to Balance + access EXCLUSIVE content at TheBalanceBook.com! Then swing by BetterHelp.com/Evolve + Novo.co/Evolve for the latest deals! Don’t meet us there, beat us there!See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

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He can only bless you and the lane that was created for you. I feel that for somebody. You don't need no edge entity. You need boundaries. What? I don't need your likes. I don't need your validation. All I need is a God fighting for me that says all things. All things. All things. You know, I was thinking that I could like sing y'all a song or like say something fancy, but I figured I wouldn't play too much with you all today because my pastor husband is here. OK. And also, I just want to spend as much time with him as possible, even on the podcast. So that's that on that. Let's jump into this thing with my man.

So there has been this term, I guess, over the last few years that have become more prevalent in society. And it's called survivor's guilt or survivor's remorse. And the notion of it is that when you escape a certain way of living, whether it is a certain neighborhood or a certain family environment, maybe you're the one who graduated, maybe you're the one who's finally financially successful, that you can feel a bit guilty for that new level of favor, that new exposure that maybe other people weren't able to have. And I think this month, as we talk about revolutionary strategy, that I really want to talk about what it means to be living from a place of favor and overcoming some of the mindsets that make you question whether or not you can keep it, but also acknowledging the difficulty that comes with balancing good things. And so I wonder when I

just spew those thoughts out at you, like what's the one thing that kind of stood out in your mind when I said that? Well, first of all, I can relate to that entirely with my own background, single parent home. My mom raised me in Watts. And then from that, you know, relative poverty, of course, my mother would swear up and down that it wasn't poverty. And to a certain degree, it wasn't. But from there to where I am now is quite a difference. And so it resonates. I think that you can go from one place to another in and of itself is baffling. How did I get here? And then is this for real? When is the shoe, the other shoe going to drop and my fairy tale turn into a nightmare? When am I going to turn back into a pumpkin? So I think that that is I think this is a worthy conversation because I think that people who excel experience that. And there are some things that you should keep in mind that will help you to get past that. OK, you said something while you were speaking that really stood out in my mind.

You talked about belief, having a belief that you can get from here to there. you can get from here to there, that within itself is revolutionary because most people struggle. Most people, I don't want to use the word fail, but most people are limited because they don't believe that favor applies to them. They think that favor is just something that happened for one person. It is one testimony they heard. But how do I even position my mindset and my spirit to be open to the possibility that favor can apply to my life as well? Well, you have to understand that that favor is attracted to the least of them. Favor is attracted to the underdog. Favor and grace are used interchangeably in the Old Testament scripture. And I think it's interesting that that is true because we know that grace is a divine enablement. It is help. It is supernatural help to take something

from one thing and for it to become another thing. And so I think that the underdog or the person who has had a difficult life is the prime candidate for favor. Listen, people who already have it figured out don't need no favor. People who already have, you know, born with a silver spoon. And first of all, nobody has it all figured out. That's a lie. If you're prospering in one place, you're suffering in another place. It is what it is. But I believe that the individual that needs favor, that needs a supernatural endowment,

is a prime candidate. And you have to believe that in order to receive it and to embrace it when it shows up. You say that, and I can't help but consider this term that I feel like I've only heard you say, but I'm sure it's maybe universal, maybe not, but having an abundance mentality. I think that that is a shift, especially when you've spent most of your life just surviving, just getting by, to then transition to this idea that even though I don't have the evidence of abundance immediately within my calendar, immediately within my bank account, immediately within my body and my energy, my mentality is positioned for abundance regardless of what's happening in my reality.

Can you talk to us about how do we keep an abundance mentality when everything is limited? My resources are limited. My energy is limited. My creativity is limited. How do you keep an abundance mentality with all of those variables literally shrinking what you have available to you? I love that question. I think that it's going to help a lot of people. For one, abundance is very misleading because when we think abundance, we think I'm going to my bank account and there's going to be 72,960,000. That's right. We think that that's abundance. But what I've learned about abundance is abundance oftentimes is distributed out over a process in a period of time. So the individual that feels like they are barely getting by, watch this, are saying, I am barely getting by. But they say that over the course of 10 years.

Wow. And so abundance, even scripturally, it's like the widow woman, you know, he didn't give her a whole bunch, you know, a storehouse full of oil. If you, you know, read the whole Bible, you find this story of the woman who had faith. And anyway, you'll get this. But anyway, she needed oil and he just kept filling her jar. So abundance is not this, I'm going to have it all at once. Watch this, more than I can ever spend. No, that's not how abundance works. Abundance is something that comes and shows up when I need it.

When I push the gas, when I need to push the gas, I'll always have the ability to accelerate. And so so when you are. Well, the point for me is don't be misled by just enough because you are only getting just enough because all you need is just enough. And when your need for just enough becomes more than what just enough means for you right now, you will have more, but it will still be just enough. And so abundance and abundance mentality is to say, I have no lack. It is to say that I don't perceive lack. If I don't have it, watch this, I don't need it. Because my needs are met right now. And if I need it and I don't have it, watch this, I do have it. It's just waiting to unfold to me. Okay. Like one of the things I love about being married to you is that I get to witness you literally live out these words to feel or sense within yourself that there is an opportunity for me to expand the way that I'm thinking about this is something that I see you enact day to day, minute by minute, depending on what's happening in our life. And one of the questions people ask us all of the time is like, how do you balance it all? How do you balance ministry and career? How do you balance marriage and the kids?

How do you balance it all? If I ask you this question, how do you balance it all? What is your answer to that person who's listening? It's a worthy question, and I identify with it entirely. However, I'm wondering if that is the right question. I think that we say, how do you balance marriage? How do you balance business? How do you balance parenthood?

And you go and you start basically asking, how do you balance all of these ancillary things? And I wonder if the question is really, how do I become a balanced person so that I show up in all those areas in the best form? When I talk about balance in the book, what I am not teaching people how to do is give pieces of themselves to the things that are important to them in life. I don't want to give a piece of me to you, Sarah. I don't want to give a piece of me to Ella and Mackenzie and Malachi and Isaiah. I don't want to give a piece to my business, to investors, to the church, to leaders. peace to my business, to investors, to the church, to leaders. I don't want to give a piece. I want to give all of myself to those specific important things that are in my life. And so I think that

balancing everything really is about balancing one thing. And balancing the one thing is you. I am balanced. I pursue balance. And it's not a discipline. It's a disposition. It's a place. It's a state. And if I am balanced, then everything that I give myself to, I'll find balance in. I have a thousand thoughts like swirling in my head at one time based off of that answer. First of all, you better fix my question. That's why I married you is because you will fix my question. Okay. I love that you said that because I do think that asking how do I balance it all is really, it's a low hanging fruit question.

Because what I am saying is that when I don't balance it all, I feel guilty. I feel like I'm not being a good parent. I feel like I'm not being a good parent. I feel like I'm not being a good spouse, a good boss, a good employee. And so how do I avoid feeling like I'm incapable of showing up for the demands of my life? And what I hear you saying is that it is not in time management, that it's not in finding a way to wake up earlier or to say necessarily what you can or cannot do with this system. What you're telling me is that as I favor myself, that I will see the favor in everything that I do. Absolutely. Because what you want to do is essentially the reason why people find themselves frustrated, to your point, about how do I, my business is going great, but my marriage is falling apart. And so so essentially you're basically dissatisfied.

Watch this with how you are showing up, with how you, because you want to bring your best, highest, most amazing self to all these things that are important. And you can do that to the point that you just made by prioritizing yourself. You know, I've got this phrase, you know, there's no team and I. And obviously, it's a jab at the popular phrase, there's no I in team. And if you don't prioritize you and have a system for prioritizing you, then you won't be able to be of any help to anybody else. Now, this is bucking up against all of my self-sacrifice. I'm just a servant. I just want to help people. I cringed a little bit when I said favor myself because I feel like the person who I should be favoring, it's you, it's the children, it's the work,

it's the women connected to Woman Evolved. I feel like my reward in heaven is connected to how I favor others over myself. Like, honestly, like I feel like I'm here to just serve and pour myself out as an offering and I'm tired and I'm a little stressed and, and I'm a little on the edge, but I am proud of the work that I am doing, even though I am depleted and exhausted and you're telling me, you're telling me that ain't it. That's not it. God's plan for you is not for you to be depleted and exhausted. You know, even, you know, when Jesus was asked, what is the greatest commandment that he said,

do three things and you'll have it all figured out. Love God with all your heart, mind, soul, and strength and love your neighbor it all figured out. Love God with all your heart, mind, soul, and strength, and love your neighbor as you love yourself. Literally, the sequence was your relationship with God, your relationship with yourself, and then the overflow of your relationship with God and your relationship with self is your relationship with others.

And so to not prioritize yourself is to, to be, to, to disrupt the natural spiritual flow of, of evolution, of, of evolving, you know? And so, so no, you've got to, you know, you talk about pouring out and pouring out and pouring out and pouring out, but here's the thing, baby, when you, when you go and you get away, you know, and you take time for yourself and you get away, and I'm so glad that you're really starting to lean into that baby what we get when you come back is money is gold you you're glowing you're more more patient your creativity is on another level and so so i think that you know we're even discovering in our own family the value of of self-prioritization. You don't rob somebody of what's best for them when you take care of you. You actually rob them when you don't take care of you because we're not getting the best mom. We're not getting the best

wife. Your staff isn't getting the best CEO. But when you take time and you take care of you, the best CEO. But when you take time and you take care of you, everything around you flourishes. I feel like we just need to pause and let that soak in because life is coming at us so fast. And it feels like the only way to keep up is to hustle harder, to work harder, to come up with the best ideas, to turn those ideas around as soon as possible before someone else steals it. And I feel like you're calling us to this level of anchoring and this level of security that trust, that truly, truly trust that what's for us is for us. How do we deal with the pace of life in juxtaposition to this piece of balance are can the two live together they can as long as you are determining the pace uh there's nothing wrong with things moving at a fast pace the world is moving at a fast pace uh and but but you can't let the pace. Oh, this is good. First of all, pace is very deceiving because depending on what world you're in, what circles you're in, the pace is set by the energy, the faith.

And I'm going to say this. You have to let me unpack it. But the worship of others, right? So whatever a community, a group is worshiping, whatever they feel is important, whether it's money, whether it's influence, whether it's reach, whether whatever, that creates their own, almost like this, it's almost like a cult, a large scale cult. And we got to do this, we got to do that. And they're all moving towards sometimes something that they don't even know what they're moving toward. So as it relates to pace, there's nothing wrong with fast pace. We live a fast paced life as long as you set the pace. Wait, why am I rushing? Wait, why am I stressing?

Wait, why do I feel like I have to do this now. What taskmaster is in my head telling me, watch this, that I can't afford to prioritize me, that I can't afford to prioritize what's important to me? Who am I listening to? So for me, when I'm in a fast-paced moment, I make certain that I take time to stop, to slow it down. Right. You can't you can't always drive at 100 miles an hour. You can't you can't even see what if you just blindly keep going and keep going and keep going, you may end up somewhere you didn't intend to go. And that's really what happens. It's called burnout. And so there's nothing wrong with a fast pace, but you and I have to slow it down, pause. Let's And when I connect with me in the deepest way, then I come back up and allow the pace of my purpose and my identity to determine the pace of my life. I know that was long. It was great. It was great because what I hear you saying

is that oftentimes our pace is hijacked. That's why you go on vacation and the next day you feel like I need to go back on vacation. I just got home and I need to keep that suitcase packed because it's time for me to leave again because our pace gets hijacked. Are there signs that like this pace is not my own somewhere along the way it started off? It was mine. But now I'm five years down the road. I'm five months down the road. And this does this just doesn't feel organic to who I am anymore. Are there signs that we can look out for? No, there's certainly signs. And I address five of them. I point out five of them. And one of them is weariness. I think one of the telltale signs that I'm out of balance, that I'm subscribing to a pace that is unhealthy, a rhythm, if you would, that is unhealthy,

is weariness. And weariness, I like to define weariness as the gravitational pull to the tarmac of disaster. Wow. Because it is the gradual gravitational pull down to the tarmac of disaster. We weren't designed to function weary. Literally, the reason why we get tired every night is so that we can recover. Right. It's not like it's not unhealthy to work. And at the end of the day, you feel like you start yawning. That's not unhealthy. That's actually the rhythm of things. And what happens is we might go to sleep, but we don't turn off.

And so for me, one of the big signs is weariness. Another sign is the loss of the clarity of vision. Right. And that's why you have to stop sometimes because, wait, I need to make certain that I'm running according to my vision. Then there's another one. There's another sign. And that is a declining, you're declining thought life. So all of a sudden, your thought life is no good. You're imagining things.

You're thinking the worst of people instead of thinking the best of people. And so there are signs that will show us, oh, wait, I'm out of balance. And I need to stop and do everything that I can to get back to balance. Those are just a few, but there's several. I recently found a therapist and I'm pretty sure she is anti mind your business ministries and low key. I kind of like it. Actually, I love it. Therapy helps me relieve stress, process my thoughts and feelings and help remind me of the distance between who I was, who I am and who I'm aiming to become. I love that this episode is sponsored by BetterHelp Online Therapy because I want all of us to make our mental health a priority and BetterHelp makes it easy and affordable for this to happen. Help makes it easy and affordable for this to happen. Better Help is giving Woman Evolve with Sarah Jakes Roberts listeners 10% off their first month at betterhelp.com slash evolve. That's B-E-T-T-E-R-H-E-L-P.com

slash evolve. Better Help is customized online therapy that offers video, phone, and even live chat sessions with your therapist. So you don't have to see anyone on camera if you don't want to. It's much more affordable than in-person therapy. Give it a try and see if online therapy can help lower your stress. For someone who's never experienced being balanced, maybe their whole life they've been achieving for validation, or maybe they've just been working to outrun something that happened in their life. And they're finally at an age and stage in their life where you're like, you know what? I want to be balanced, balanced the way that PT has defined it. I'm not talking about juggling time management,

but I mean, to bring all of myself to every moment. Can you just give me insight into what it feels like to be perfectly aligned and balanced? Because what I want to do is create a hunger for someone who is ready to finally have that appetite to live each and every day as someone who's balanced. First of all, you describe it so wonderfully because it is true and you can have it. You can have balance every single day. Will it slip away and you have to go find it? Absolutely. But the fact that it's there and the fact that there is a course to chart, first of all, is the first step to balance. The first step to balance is to recognize that you can have it. I think the first step to balance. The first step to balance is to recognize that you can have it. I think the second step to balance is, quite frankly, to shut down the noise.

Our lives are full of noise. And watch this. All the noises aren't bad things. You know, we know, you know, social media, the news, you know, any way information can get to you. I mean, through technology now, we are inundated with the thoughts and the ideas and the opinions of others. We got so many thoughts going on in our head. We don't know what's our thoughts versus the thoughts that came to us. So it's noise. But then there's good noise. I mean, quite frankly, you know, sometimes, you know, the kids chatter is noise. Your work is noise. These are good things, but the reality of it is it's noise. And in order to tap into what leads you to balance, you have to find a way to silence the noise. Now, you might ask what leads you to

balance? Your soul. There's a very, very popular term, it's been popular over the last decade, and it's the term self-awareness. And it's a wonderful term, and I believe that all of us should be aware of self and to grow in varying degrees of that. But there's another level of that, and it's called soul awareness. And it is the deepest form of self-awareness. It is being aware of the most authentic, deepest part of who you are. And the reason why that's important is because your soul is drawn to balance. It longs for balance. It wants balance. And if you will quiet the noise and tap into your soul, it will lead you and guide you to that state in that place. And so it's a process. But it begins with silencing the noise and tapping into the soul so that you can be led there it's an amazing experience can you tell me a personal story about you hearing your soul crave

for balance where were you what was happening and then how did you feel once you finally achieved it for sure so for me one of the the signs that i am balanced and I am right where I need to be, I'm in alignment with balance, is peace. Peace is an indicator. I could talk about peace all day. And the removal of peace or the absence of peace is a sign that, watch this, the coordinates of balance have shifted, right? And so, when peace is disrupted, I'm like, okay, wait a minute, I got to tap into my soul because my soul knows where that peace is, right? Peace is not something that you have to go and get peace. No, peace is there. It's always there, all the time, full time. We just have to align ourselves with it by repositioning ourselves. And so, peace and the absence of peace is a sign. So for me, I can recall writing. I was writing. I was actually writing balance. And in the writing process, I stopped and I just didn't, I didn't feel peace anymore. I felt like I was uncomfortable and I felt like I needed something, but I didn't know what I needed.

I needed something, but I didn't know what I needed. And so I had to get still. I got still for a second and said, okay, I don't know. It's not in my head. And remember, the idea is not going to come to your head first. It's going to come to your spirit. It's going to come to your soul, the depths of you. So I got still. And then it came to me, go ride a motorcycle. Now, prior to that, I thought about maybe taking a walk where I was riding was a beautiful place. But when I thought about that, that didn't feel right. I kind of took myself there in my head and that didn't feel right. What felt right was to get on my motorcycle and drive in a particular area. Let me tell you something. I did that. And the moment that I started riding, alignment with balance and alignment with peace came back.

So here's the thing. The the activity that is going to lead you to getting back to balance shifts. It's not always the same thing. So sometimes we think, you know, you know, and that's why I say balance is this. But sometimes we think, OK, all I do is go down here and say a prayer and I'll be okay. Maybe, but sometimes you might need to go and walk somewhere, walk your dog, walk your cat, walk yourself somewhere. And there may be something in that experience itself. See, when peace shifts, you have to pay attention to it because it's shifting for a reason and you have to figure out, wait, hold on. What do I need to do to get that back? Peace is a guide. I'm going to stop because I can go on and on.

Well, I was going to ask you, can a balanced and unbalanced person be married, be in relationship with one another, be friends. Because when you talk about peace shifting for someone, they're listening and they're like, I stay in balance. Balance is my state. I've achieved it, or I'm awakened to it now and I want to achieve it. But I have a partner who would not even be open to this concept. Or I have a friendship circle that literally is only working because we're all pretty unbalanced. How do you deal with, is there an isolation that comes with balance? And is there an opportunity to invite those who are unbalanced into that space? Or do you just kind of have to have this epiphany on the road to Damascus for yourself, by yourself,

and be willing to walk alone until other people get it. No, balance is definitely not a group event. It is an individual event. However, who you become when you're balanced, when you're working the disciplines, as you become a balanced person, as you mature in balance, your essence is going to be, first of all, unshakable. And this version of you that emerges is going to be so attractive that quite frankly, those around you are going to want to tap into it. And so, no, it's not a group thing. I think that if you're in relationship with someone who doesn't subscribe to the disciplines or the things that you and I have to do to arrive and achieve balance, I think personally that if they're the right people, the right group, what's on you is going to shift environment.

You know, I talk about in one of the chapters of that book, you know, I talk about shifting the atmosphere, changing the air. And and a balanced person can very much do that. I mean, who you truly are in your highest form, man, you radiate something. You can shift people. The average person doesn't know who they are. The balanced person absolutely knows who they are. There is a confidence. There is a peace. There is just an aura and an essence that shifts things, and sometimes even people that are around you. I know, I have to, you know, continue. I'm thinking about all of the people at home and some of the barriers that may exist for them achieving balance.

And there's this one thought that just hit me and maybe that person is listening, but I feel like they don't trust themselves to be present in their lives anymore. They experienced a devastation. They experienced a disappointment that makes them feel like, I don't want to be fully present because I don't ever want to hurt as much as I hurt in the past. And so it is much easier for me to be numb, for me to just kind of tuck my head and get through day by day, because if I'm ever fully present again, then I leave myself vulnerable to pain. What would you say to that person who needs balance in their life, who deserves to be alive in their life, but they're currently struggling with the idea of being that open again?

First of all, I get it and I'm sorry. And life can be a son of a gun. I've had some blows in my own life that have disrupted my equilibrium and have thrown me off balance and have put me in a place to where I truly wondered if I could trust life again. And so in life, blows do come. They definitely come. The challenge in not being present again is here is the thing, you're present somewhere. There's no such thing as not being present. There is a such thing as not being present in reality, in your life, in your world, in your marriage, in your work, in your family. You're absent there. That's possible, but you're present somewhere. And if you don't learn how to trust again, then you're going to live in the experience that I believe God wants

to move you away from. So it's a bit of an illusion to think that I don't want to open up again. I don't want to be present again, because the reality of it is there's all of us are present somewhere. We might be present in our pain. We might be present in our disappointment, but we're present. And so, and so I believe that we can have balance after the blow. I believe through a series of, of, of steps and a stick and a series of steps and a series of mental shifts and paradigm shifts and support and all this sort of things, I think that we can get back to balance and back to a place where we trust life again. It can happen. It will happen. And I believe that I can help you get there. Okay. And you know why this man can help you get there?

Because he is not just the author of Balance. He represents balance in his every day. And even in his music selection, I have a random balance question for you, baby. I want to know what is the most diverse, contrasting artist on your iTunes that represents the balance of who you are. So like for me, you know, it's probably like Lil Wayne and Mozart. What is it? I want to know balance on your playlist. What is it?

So you're talking about two complete polar opposite genres artists oh wow um so um i was going to put those two into one one one one person okay i think big sean i think i think i think big sean because you know obviously big sean is is, I think, one, I think that he's actually pretty balanced, to be honest with you. You know, he's got his, you know, we know he respects God, he loves God, but he's still, you know, a young man. He understands the streets, he understands culture. And so if I thought that your question was, who is that that one artist that brings the all of you together? And so even even if it wasn't your question, I'm gonna make that. And the answer is Big Sean.

That's the second time you've stolen my question and I don't like it, but I'm going to let you twist it because I think that's actually a better question. What is a restaurant that provides the most balance for us as a family when going out? Oh, I don't want to give it away because I don't want the Saints to show up there. No, but I would say, I'd say Joey. Yeah, for sure. Everyone can eat there. Clothing, clothing store. Hmm. Nordstrom.

Well, you have a problem with Nordstrom. And I'm going to ask you this. Well, and don't you can't use. Well, that's not a good. OK, most balanced perspective that feeds into your life a person a person who has the most balanced perspective that feeds into my life um hmm uh that that that's it that's it because first of all i don't have a lot of people that feed into my that that feed into my life regularly but i gotta honestly i think it's thomas dexter jakes

yeah i think he he has see i'm gonna say senior just so dexter doesn't hijack the junior might hijack it but yes senior yeah yeah no i i think he first of all, he's one of the broadest experienced individuals I've ever met. But beyond him being broad in his experience, he's broad in his his approach to things, the way he sees things is pretty. He could argue almost any position and find common ground. It's a great gift. OK, last question before i ask the advice question who which one of our children do you think is the most balanced oh wow um ella i was gonna say one of my favorite things about the women connected to Woman Evolve are the variety of businesses you all have.

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member FDIC. Terms and conditions apply. Okay, let's do the advice question. I need advice, please. I lived with my in-laws for the first year, moving to a new country along with my two young kids. They are wonderful people, but very invasive and have no idea what personal space means, but I do love them very much. what personal space means, but I do love them very much. During that time, the stress, guilt, and lack of being me or having privacy led to extreme depression, weight loss, and illness. Once we got on our feet, I found a house and told my husband I am moving.

We did, and since then, it's been great. We visit, do things together on weekends, et cetera. Eight years later, they have moved across the hall from me. They are a family of five, my sister-in-law and her two kids also. I swear it's like living in a commune. My doorbell rings 24 hours a day. People walk into my house and into my room. I am tired.

There have been pros, but largely I just feel and know I'm going to get sick or depressed again, holding in how I feel. My husband works abroad and has gone for the most part of the year and just does not understand what I am talking about. I married him 12 years ago before I found my way back to Jesus, and he has different beliefs. Whole other story. How do I move forward without hurting people's feelings or moving their grandkids away again? I got woman evolve all the way over here to help me deal with even me that gets frustrated and tired Thank you sarah for continuously blessing me. You changed my life I think you should kick that one off

Okay, amazing. Um, so when I listened to her story I Realized that she has never communicated. She moved. She avoided the difficult conversation that needed to happen when they were living together. She avoided that. She suffered while she was in that original situation, was blessed to find a house and to move out. And so it seemed like she escaped the conflict, right? Only to realize, and it's not funny. It's not funny. Why are you laughing? Why are you laughing there? Because life is kind of funny. is kind of funny, only to now find herself in that same situation again. And it's almost like,

to me, it's a test. And it's a test to show up for yourself. You know, a lot of times, we have this notion of, you know, I don't want to cause conflict, you know, I want to go, you know, with the flow or I don't like a particular thing, but I won't say anything because I want to keep the peace. That's an illusion because your peace is disrupted. Yeah, you know, it is, you know, it's actually keeping the peace out when you don't say anything. There is conflict already, but when you don't address the conflict, you just keep the conflict within yourself and you suffer. And so here was this, quite frankly, this counterfeit deliverance. Wow. This counterfeit deliverance with, you know, her finding a place. But then because the conversation

had been had, they move across, we're right back in it again. And so what I would say is now it's time for you to advocate for you. And you don't have to be mean. And let me tell you something, being honest is not a sin. Being truthful, you know, and here's the problem. And here's the problem you got to work with. Right now, you're probably a little bitter. And so and that's what happens when you don't address something and you just keep putting it off, putting it off and then shoving it down. You get bitter and bitterness doesn't help anybody. So I would say now is the time to have a healthy conversation. And that conversation is all about your boundaries. This is this is this is how I thrive. is all about your boundaries. Hey, this is how I thrive. This is what I need. And be fair,

but this is what I need. And put it out there. And be firm and be strong. And I won't even touch on the husband thing because that's a whole different thing. But I will say this, you got to communicate with your husband as well. Never shrink. That shrink. You know, that's, you know, my word to my wife, my word to all of our kids, never shrink. You were created to grow, not shrink. So whatever situation that you think you're doing the world a favor, you know, by shrinking, trust me, you're not. You're harming yourself and you're harming others. And I would just say it's time to have that difficult conversation, but it'll get better after you do. I totally agree, babe. I think it sounds like a cultural difference.

And whether that cultural difference is national or just family specific, I think we have to recognize that different families have different cultures. And it sounds like the culture of that family doesn't have a lot of lines of privacy. Maybe the privacy exists within the family system, but not in an individual system. And I think you're introducing a new culture. And I think that you can introduce that culture without diminishing or disparaging the existing culture. But I think for your marriage and for your children and for your mental health and your peace, that it is important that you talk about what you need. I love that PT said that he said, you have to say what you need. I'm not saying that there's anything wrong with the way that you all function, because a lot of times when we wait

a long time, we're like, and it's sick anyway, and you need to not do this. It doesn't take all of that to say for me, for my family, for my mental health, I am used to having a more intimate experience where it's just me, my children, and my husband. And that's exactly how I want to raise our children. You and your husband being on the same page is really important, or at least him giving you the freedom and liberation to create what you need, considering his work life seems to be very demanding. You have to be able to say, in order for me to stay in this ecosystem, for me to raise these children and for me to be healthy, this is what I need. And so my only cherry on top to that incredible ice cream sundae that PT just put together

is to say that when discussing the different cultures, make sure that you don't disparage how his family acts because you don't want people to become defensive, but you can advocate without destroying what's happening on the other side. Hopefully that helps. What do you think, babe? No, I think you hit it on the nail's head.

And remember, being honest is not sinful. It's liberating and it will get better. Even if you just got better because you said something, it will get better. We can't avoid these uncomfortable conversations, but they are, I'm telling you, they're liberating. I've had a few and my life is better because of it. I'll tell you one thing Nedra Glover said.

It just hit me. I need it for my own life right now. But Nedra Glover said at conference, someone asked the question, like, how do we set boundaries without upsetting people? And she was like, you can't. You don't. But upset is an emotion and it'll pass. So this idea of how do I establish my boundary without hurting them like that may not be possible. You can say it as smoothly and eloquently and with as much sugar

on possible as sugar available as possible. And you can still end up in a situation where someone feels offended and they feel hurt. But guess what? They're going to get over it. They're going to keep on living. I tell my kids all the time, look at you, you still living, OK? But you got to be willing to stand up for yourself and believe that they're going to be all right. They're going to live and you're going to live and you'll find another way. Babe, I love you. I'm so proud of Balance. I'm so proud of this book and the fact that it is now available for people everywhere.

Wherever you buy books, Balance is available. I live with the Balance guy. I live with the Balance man. And he has given me permission to really listen to my soul in a way that has birthed this very thing that you're listening to the woman evolved podcast that has allowed me to be restored from season to season. If you feel like I am your big sister in your head, your auntie, depending on how old you are, I think that depends on the role that I play in your life. I want you to know that it is a direct correlation

of me becoming soul aware, which is directly related to me picking up the leftovers, the crumbs, as I've watched my husband live this out. So I want you to buy this book. I want you to buy as many as you can for the people in your life. And I want us all to become soul aware together. Thank you so much for joining the podcast, honey.

It's an honor to be here. I love you, babe. I love you too. Okay, so listen, let me tell you something. It's just something about the way that he has such versatility and style and eloquence and joy and such potent revolutionary strategy for how we can show up in life that just does it for me. All right, listen, go get the book. It's going to bless your life. We're going to start book clubs. We're going to do all of the things. You won't do this by yourself. Can I tell you another thing? My DMS are flooded with advice questions, but it's

easier to get to them if you shoot me an email podcast at woman evolve.com. That's also how you can become my next co host. Until next time, make sure you're showing yourself some love, sis. You deserve it. Remember, there's no team in I. We'll be right back. hilarious satirical takes on entertainment, politics, sports, and more from John and the team of correspondents and contributors. The podcast also has content you can't get anywhere else, like extended interviews and a roundup of the weekly headlines. Listen to The Daily Show, ears edition on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. or wherever you get your podcasts. Every corner of our lives. Better Offline is a podcast where I'll lead you through the good, the bad, and the stupid of the tech industry. And tell you exactly how venture capitalists and technocrat billionaires intend to influence your digital lives.

Listen to Better Offline on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever else you get your podcasts. Um, have you heard the news? What is up, daddy gang? It is your founding father, Alex Cooper, with Call Her Daddy. The most listened to podcast by women, Alex Cooper's Call Her Daddy, is now available on the iHeartRadio app. I think that's so healthy. I wish we could get better at that.

Open your free iHeartRadio app, search Call Her Daddy, and listen now. While you're there, check out the Nikki Glaser podcast. This week, Nikki dishes out tales from Steven Tyler's Grammy party. iHeartRadio. Free never sounded so good.