Woman Evolve with Sarah Jakes Roberts - Surrender Your Expectations in Relationships w/ Kobe Campbell

Episode Date: January 10, 2024

Chhiiillleee, W.E. made it to another season of the podcast! And y’all know what it is—new year, new intentions, but the SAME God! That’s why all of 2024, we’re picking up what He’s putting down by way of surrender. First up to test our posture is seminary-trained, licensed trauma therapist, and bestselling author of "Why Am I Like This?", Kobe Campbell. She and SJR started to unpack expectations in relationships when a WHOLE therapy session made its way on the airwaves. Tap in to hear how it went and be the first to enjoy our new and improved—SJR, Mind My Business and Rescue Eve podcast segments! No cap, but this episode will challenge you to let people’s journeys be their own, free from your need for co-dependency. So, if you can’t say amen, say ouch! [e-mail] www.blackeffect.comSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

On the Code Switch podcast, talking about race can be sad and furiating and even funny. Some police department did a landing on a train like that's beyond parody in a way like that's like an onion headline. We're here to cry, scream and laugh right along with you. Listen to the Code Switch podcast from NPR on the iHeartRadio app or wherever you get your podcasts. The 1881 shootout in Tombstone, Arizona, known as the Gun Fight at the OK Corral only lasted 30 seconds, but the market left on popular imagination has held on for nearly 150 years.

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Hey everyone, it's Sophia Bush, host of Podcast Work in Progress, and I am thrilled to tell you that Work in Progress is back for a third season. It has never been more important than right now to have these conversations with all of you so that we can get educated and lightened and we can all be entertained. I will be sitting down and having deep conversations with thought leaders, newsmakers, celebrities elected officials, and more. Listen to work in progress on the I Heart Radio app, Apple podcasts, or wherever you listen to podcasts.

The celebrity memoir holds up a mirror to society. That's why we started our podcast, Celebrity Book Club with Stephen and Lily. Where we read celebrity memoirs, total guiltyasures, and then synthesize probing cultural analyses from the text, from Jessica Simpson to historical figures like Helen Keller. Isn't that a delicious mix of high-brow and low? It certainly is. Listen to Celebrity Book Club with Steven and Lily on the I Heart Radio app Apple Podcasts

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When we're free, we often feel seen. And being seen is vulnerable. Sometimes healing is God giving me this strength to walk this through and still be alive. Yes. He started going to therapy and it demanded of me. Guys doesn't always show up in the way that we would have wanted him to. But it doesn't mean that we can't access his presence now. Yes.

What's up, what's up, what's up? Welcome back to the Woman Evolved Podcast. Happy New Year. It has been an amazing start to the New Year already. If you haven't already learned, the Woman Evolved Podcast is now a part of the Black Effect network, big ups to the icon. Charlotte Maine for expanding the reach of the story.

I'm not sure if you're going to talk about the story of the story. I'm not sure if you're going to talk about the story of the story. I'm not sure if you're going to talk about the story of the story. I'm not sure if you're going to talk about the story of the story.

I'm not sure if you're going to talk about the story of the story. I'm not sure. It gave us a chance to really reformat the podcast. There has been something that we have heard over and over again since releasing this new format, which if you guys are not familiar with the podcast, is started in 2018. I grabbed a microphone, my laptop, and I was sitting in my office. I'd go on Facebook live and we would talk about hot topics and current events.

I'd send it off to my brother to make and then we'd upload it and that is how the Woman of the Ball of Podcast started. But it started getting a little hard to go live on Facebook at the same time, week after week. And to be honest, it was getting difficult to rescue people. We had these segments. It was a Hail Mary and Rescue Eve.

And we basically take stories out of the news and try to find this angle of, you know, seeing people the way God sees them, even though it was easy to see them like Eve. You know Eve, our girl in the Bible, she ate from the fruit, gave it to Adam, the fall of humanity, sent enters the world. You know, she knew better, but she didn't do better. And people are out here and I know they know better, but they are not doing better. And though it would be easy to judge, we would try to suspend judgment and see things the way that God saw them.

Sounds good in theory. But trying to defend people was getting real chaotic. But we're gonna try it again. We are bringing back rescue if we are going to try and rescue the people. But this time instead of just rescuing people who are in the news, though, that may happen. We wanna try and rescue you, yes, you listening.

Like, are you about here being raggedy? Like, did you call the kids in sick and they weren't sick? Do you need a rescue? Are you out here, you know, not properly laying that wig down and outside being like corporate airing? Is that you? I don't know if it's you, but if it's you, maybe you need a floaty.

Maybe we need to send you a plane because you out here knowing better, but not doing better. I believe in you. I believe in all guys' children, and I just want to see you do better. So send this, I'll give you more information on sending us your rescue ease,

but we're also bringing in a segment called Mind Your Business. You guys send me advice questions all the time. I'm going to answer them here on the air, but we're going to ask you to send them in via video. So you can send actually your Mind Your Business moment how you want me to mind your business to podcast at Womeningvolf or send us the way you're out here being raggedy at podcasts that won't evolve that calm. So if you send me your mind your business thing,

like drop a video, make it quick, but give me the details, make it quick, like send me a minute video or so telling me all about whatever it is you're going through and how you think maybe I can help you. And you can mind my business. You want to know where I'm getting stuff from. You want to know how I'm doing, like sending your questions, whatever they are, no matter

how deep, no matter how we're in them. I'll do my best to answer them. And yeah, go ahead and send your rescue eaves to that as well, podcast at womanoevov.com. So all right, let's get into our first mind joy business question. Are you ready? Are you ready for me to mind your business? I'm ready to mind it. Hi Sarah, my name is Wina Fred,

and I just have one question to ask you. So we've been a part of your story and your incredible journey as well. But with all of that, I just want to know, do you sometimes deal with imposter syndrome? If you do, how have you been able to get out of that? How do you deal with it or navigate through it? Because I feel like sometimes when God tells us to do something, we think because of our past, because of what our past looks like, we don't really deserve to do it or we're

not good enough for it. But I just want to know how have you been able to push through and still do the will of God? Thank you. When it for this question is so interesting to me because I often ask myself, like, is that in Poster Syndrome, like the reason why you're questioning yourself, the reason why you are doubting yourself in this moment?

But one of the things that I am beginning to realize is that I feel like the only reason why I have had impact in my ministry and with my life is because I've made a commitment to authenticity, whatever is authentic to me for that specific assignment. And so authenticity isn't necessarily saying I'm going to show up the same way every single time as much as it is, I'm going to show up the same way every single time, as much as it is saying, I'm going to show up in my truth, but I'm going to see if God blesses this truth. And so I have to say, well, some of you may have seen the story,

some of you may not have. I was speaking at my father's church, and I was there on my own, and at the time, backstory is, at the time, I was questioning whether or not I would be a good candidate to be a part of the leadership team at the Partist House Dallas. Primarily because, you know, I am going to give it to you the way God gives it to me and sometimes it doesn't come off as eloquent and fancy as I think that it should. And so I was wondering, like, am I going to have to change myself to step into what God has called me to do? Or can I still be myself and it be effective? And I was having that going on in my own spirit and my own mind. I get up to preach and my wake start slipping. I take my wake off. I keep on preaching.

And so that moment ends up going viral, right? All of these people see it, but what was crazy about it is, instead of it being something that people just laughed at, it became this thing that people were inspired by where they were like, when you took your wig off, it like snatched shame out of my soul. It gave me permission to be myself. Little did they know that as liberating

as that moment was for them, it was liberating for me because it helped me to realize that God was trying to show me like if you will just be yourself and your rawest wit kept on state, I can use it, I can bless it. And so those moments where imposter syndrome tries to creep in, I remind myself that I'm not forcing this. I'm just standing in the force of what it is. I'm not pretending to be anyone other than myself,

which is why I could be on TikTok, cut in the turkey open, and then turn around, and post a preaching clip. It is important to me that as I present myself as a leader, as a thought leader and faith leader, that I do so in such a way that no one is ever caught by surprise at me being human and a woman and a girl who's on a journey. And so,

resist pretending, resist the need to live up to someone's expectation, resist the need to do what you've seen done before, and ask yourself and ask God instead, if you chose me to do this and you know who I am, you know where I went to school or didn't go to school, you know who my friends are, who my friends are. And you're still asking me to do this, then I'm going to show up in the truth of who I am and I'm going to sit back and watch how you multiply whatever my offering is. That's been my testimony and

that is what has helped me to resist falling into the trap of imposter syndrome because I am authentically being who I am and obedient to the places where God sends me. I hope that helps her. I mean, to be honest, I have struggled with wondering whether or not I have imposter syndrome, which was one of my first encounters with therapy was trying to figure out whether or not I was experiencing imposter syndrome or something more deeply related with just the stress of my past trauma coming to the surface because I didn't feel present in my life. So I thought it would be cool to understand for those of you who may be wondering as well, like,

do I have imposter syndrome? There is an expert on the subject. Her name is Dr. Valerie Young. And evidently, she has a book that centers around women who may have in Postor Syndrome. It's called The Secret Thoughts of Successful Women, Why Capable People Stuffer from the Imposter Syndrome, and How to Thrive in Spide Heaven. She says that there are five categories of Imposter Syndrome, and the way they show up differently. The way it shows up is differently for everyone. So I'm gonna just run off these five real quick,

but if you wanna dig deeper, get the booker, if you wanna just convert what you got, here we go. All right, so category number one is the perfectionism. Perfectionism and imposter syndrome go hand in hand. Think about it perfectionist that excessively high goals for themselves and when they fail to reach a goal, they experience major self-doubt and worry about measuring up. Whether they realize that or not this group can also be control freaks, feeling like if they want something done right, they have to do it themselves. Ooh,

written somebody's mail. Number two, the superwoman. Since people who experienced this phenomenon are convinced that their phonies amongst real deal colleagues, they often push themselves to work harder and harder to measure up. But this is just a false cover-up for their insecurities and the work overload may harm not only their own mental health, but also their relationships with others. Number three, the natural genius. Young says people with this competence type believe they need to be a natural genius. As such, they judge their competence based as such. They judge their competence not the devil trying to tie my tongue up. We get off of me. As such, they judge their competence based ease and speed as opposed to their efforts.

In other words, if they take a long time to master something, they feel shame. These types of imposters set their internal bar and possibly high, just like perfectionists, but natural genius types don't judge themselves based on ridiculous. They don't just judge themselves based on ridiculous expectations. They also judge themselves based on getting things right on the first try. When they're not able to do something quickly or fluently, their alarm sound.

All right. You know why I couldn't read through that? Got me. Not that's not right. Don't. Whatever, I'm definitely guilty of setting an internal bar, internal bar that is so hot. And then be upset when I can't do something right on the first try planning conference on the scale that it was in 2023 with 40,000 people and having so many errors. And just like, how do we budget properly? How do we budget properly,

how do we structure the team properly? What does the timeline need to look like? I was so upset with myself that I did not do well doing something I've never done before. Think about that sentence. It's already sounding all. So I guess I got a little touch of it. Okay, okay, it's just too more left for the soloist,

sufferers who feel as though asking for help reveals their phoniness or what young calls solos. It's okay to be independent, but not to the extent that you refuse assistance so that you can prove your worth. Not sure if the supply of Steve asks yourself these questions. Do you firmly feel that you need to accomplish things on your own? I don't need anyone's help. Does that sound like you?

Do you frame requests in terms of requirements of the project rather than your needs as a person? Can I have both of them, please? Okay, last one, number five, the expert. Experts measure their competence based on what and how much they know or can do. Believing they will never know enough they fear being exposed as an experience or unknowledgeable. Do you shy away from applying to job postings unless you meet every single educational requirement? Are you constantly singing out trainings

or certifications because you think you need to improve your skills in order to succeed? Even if you've even if you've been in your role for it some time, can you relate to feeling like you still don't know enough? Do you shudder when someone says you're an expert? All right, well basically all we all got in Poster Syndrome. That is from Dr. Valerie Young, her book, The Secret Thoughts of Successful Women, by capable people suffer from the imposter syndrome and how to thrive in spite of it. Sounds like it might be a good read for us.

I'm gonna see if we can add that to the Women Evolved Book Club, because we need help. Mr. I am still going to stand 10 toes down on the fact that a lot of what I experienced had to do with trauma responses. When our unprocessed trauma has not been acknowledged and refrained, it shows up in the way that we function. And so yeah, I probably got a touch of imposter syndrome with a dabble of PTSD and a few other things, but that is why we need therapy. You should know by now that there is no shame at all and needing someone to talk to,

needing someone to help you process. To be honest, I think that's why social media is as powerful as it is, is that we are collectively processing what we see in the news, what we see in someone's life. I love TikTok because I like to hear the way people think, but you have to turn that inward. You can't constantly be focused on processing what's happening around you and not what's taking place in you. Discover the heartwarming and hilarious world of sibling connections on sibling revelry with Kate Hudson and Oliver Hudson.

You might be asking yourself, what is sibling revelry? Yeah, well, we just made it up. They'll have some laughs and maybe inspire some people along the way with universal tales of what it's like to grow up with brothers and sisters. We're full blood siblings, the only full blood siblings. In our family, well not in the world. I mean, no in the whole world. That's just it, like no one.

Dive into family tales and explore the human mind with guests like Joel and Benji Madden. And it's fun because we've decided to open it up, you know, to really like all kinds of different siblings and it's going to be an awesome season. It's more than a podcast. It's a celebration of the ties that bind us. Listen to sibling revelry with Kate Hudson and Oliver Hudson on the iHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts or wherever you get your podcasts. On the Code Switch podcast, talking about race can be sad and furiating. And even funny?

Some police department did a landing on a train. Like that's beyond parity in a way. Like that's like an onion headline. We're here to cry, scream, and laugh right along with you. Listen to the Code Switch podcast from NPR on the iHeartRadio app or wherever you get your podcasts. The Celebrity Memoir holds up a mirror to society, don't you think? Oh, I couldn't agree more. It's why we started our podcast, Celebrity Book Club with Stephen and Lily. What's the name of the podcast? I want to write it down in my notes app.

It's called Celebrity Book Club with Stephen and Lily. What's the name of the podcast? I want to write it down in my notes app. It's called Celebrity Book Club with Stephen and Lily. It's the podcast where we read celebrity memoirs. Total guilty pleasures. And then synthesize probing cultural and social analyses from the text. From the season, sorry, to you, Lissie's us, Grant. From Jessica Simpson to historical figures, like Helen Keller. Isn't that just a delicious mix of high-brow and low?

But don't take our word for it. A little magazine called The New Yorker. Everhood of it. Call celebrity book club, giddy or bane, delectable pattern. If the pattern isn't delectable, honey, it isn't pattern. The New York Times.

Excuse me? Says it's like Eve's dropping on two best friends as they share a bottle of wine. Why drink wine when you can listen to it? Listen to celebrity book club with Stephen and Lily on the iHeart Radio app Apple Podcasts or wherever you get your podcasts. Hi, this is Jacelle Robbins

and we're the host of Reasonably Shady on the Black Effect Podcast Network. I absolutely love our podcast. Yes, it has been so much better than I expected. Yes. Because we get to share our lives with everyone. They get to learn about us. This is the podcast that you want to listen to just to feel like you're in the living room

with your girlfriend, you're driving in the car with your girlfriend, you having that good girlfriend talk. And sometimes we say things that like you want to say, but you can't say out loud. We're like speaking your mind for you, but you're scared to say it, but we're gonna say it. We do hot topics, we talk about reasonable and shady things, so get into it. Get into it and join us every Monday for ReasonBullyShady, and be sure to tune into the latest season of the Real Housewives of Potomac. Subscribe to ReasonBullyShady on the I-Hard Radio app, Apple Podcast,

or wherever you listen to your favorite shows. Storyteller ever fact yo check out my teller memoir the book a whole day the audio book is legendary available wherever audio books are sold check out this exclusive clip from the book of whole day but loyalty is at the core of T.S. people have wondered how I got all these characters to gel into one unit I think the kids that I treat every individual is special, but our shared dream was always about our unity. All for one and one for all. That's what it is.

Terrible Squad, as it's constituted today, is one large family. Everyone plays a part based on their own passions and expertise, but we share a collective goal to elevate our community. I'm really excited about my conversation today with Kobe Campbell. Kobe Campbell is an award-winning licensed trauma therapist, best-selling author, media expert, entertainment consultant, and keynote speaker. Kobe just released her first book with the W Publishing of Harper Collins

titled Why Am I Like This? How to Break Cycles Heal From Trauma and Restore Your Faith. Let me tell you, homegirl came in swinging and did not stop. You know, I'm always letting Dr. Anita Phillips like therapy me on the loam. If you guys haven't heard her podcast, you gotta check it out. It's a warm new valve. Special is called in the light, but let me tell you something. Covey Campbell is a doctor and needed in the making. Her own individuality, her own unique style, but getting deep just as fast without fear of judgment,

homegirl got that on lock. So let's get into my conversation with her. And if I were you, I would just prepare to be blown away. Dr. Nita has this saying about us playing out our childhood traumas and our relationships. Do you agree with that? Yes, 1000%. I feel like we don't even realize some of our childhood trauma until we are in relationships. My relationship was part of the reason why I started digging.

Like, what's wrong with me? Yep. What makes you start a podcast with your husband where you're talking about healing and like perhaps your own things coming up in the midst of this podcast. Oh man. Yes. So I think what made us start the podcast is realizing when he started going to therapy, how much that changed my life. I think I was like, okay, you need to go to therapy. You quit playing, you know, I'm not gonna be a therapist anymore, all the things,

but then he started going to therapy and it demanded of me. And I wasn't prepared for that. And I'll say, oh, don't get too healed now. Wait, what did it demand of you? I think that I got really used to feeling entitled to more space in our relationship because I had done more work. And so, whoa. Okay, wait a minute. You have to break that down. So, yeah, what do you mean by that? A lot of like, you know, I'm the self-aware.

I'm the one who's been in therapy for almost 10 years. So, when I say this, I'm coming from this place. Therapy jargon, therapy jargon. And that's what we're doing what I want to do. Right? Okay. And then he started healing. And it started illuminating the ways that I was not, we weren't sharing the space, the emotional real estate.

It was all mine and he was a tenant, you know, like you get to be here for a little bit. Come down. Come down. Come down. Because weaponizing healing is like as a therapist. Yeah, God, you know, me up quick. And as he was healing, he would say things like that really hurt my feelings. And then I found myself falling into patterns of like, you know, misogyny myself and being like, well, you just want to get over it when that

would never be appropriate for him to do to me, right? And so when he started saying that like, hey, it hurt when you expect me to get over that really quickly because you've made it clear that I can't, I can't track your healing for you. I just have to be along for the journey. And I'm asking you to do the same. And I was like, yes, in theory, but in practice, I don't know how to feel about this. Okay. So let me tell you, all of us, time out, we want our men, we want your man, your man, your man needs to go to therapy.

Yeah. Which we do. And we do for sure. But what you're saying is we may not be ready for a man who was living in an awareness of his feelings and emotional state and deconstructing systems of patriarchy. Oh yeah, yeah, I think it was so difficult to let him hurt. Okay, I'm in tree, okay, so can I see questions?

You're so random. Sure. Are we calling Sassy Men just emotionally aware men, like the Sassy Men apocalypse? Is this, I think that there's a difference, but I think that in some ways, yes, I will say that I have felt like sometimes we want the emotionally aware men,

but we only want them to have those traits to serve us. Oh my gosh. But the reality is they deserve to experience those traits within us, and we are beneficiaries of their own experience of feeling at home and their bodies and in their lives. And so I think that sometimes when we talk about like, oh, this sassy man, this,

I cannot speak to every experience y'all. Right, right. But what I can say is a lot of them are men who dare to be honest and then we shame them for it. Right? We want you to be honest enough to be faithful in the relationship and not honest enough to tell me that tell you that I hurt your feelings. Yeah. You know, because they're not cost me. And for me, I struggled, especially I'm like seminary grad license

therapist like and God was like, in your mean sometimes. Because there are ways that I just wanted him to be whatever I needed. But I am not, I'm not called to covenant with a thing. I'm called to covenant with a person, which means like they have their entire life. There are things that deeply wound him, deeply hurt him. And the same way I needed space to just share and unload how he had hurt me, like I needed to be able to reciprocate and allow him to share that without like, well, I did this and I tried this and I fixed this

and like, I think that one of the things I love most of my husband and one of the things I think is sexiest about him is his tenderness. Like he is strong, he's strong enough to look like the weakest person in the room, but be able to turn up and take all y'all down. You know what I'm saying?

He's strong enough to cry in front of them, who doesn't matter in front of our kids. You know, I've seen him worship in our living room and our son come up and say, Daddy, why are you crying? And he's like, because God's been good to me. And that makes me cry happy tears. And like, that makes me tear up

because I'm like my son, yeah. It's gonna grow up with the freedom to worship and the freedom to express because it was modeled for him. But that demanded of me to say, you are allowed to feel, and I will not judge how you feel based on the standards of what the world says

black men need to look like. So that's a thing. Yeah. You've said quite a few things here that I don't even know because I think a lot of times when we talk about healing the fractures between men and women as it relates to romantic relationships, it's generally talking about what the man has done wrong. Yeah. And the ways that men need to grow up, men need to rise to the occasion, men need to be more emotionally aware, they need to do their work. And yet we have not prepared

ourselves for what that evolved man would look like. And while many of them are like, we need many of them, we need many of them. We need many of them. Basically, we want men who can serve the version of us we have become without taking any inventory at all about who we are going to become in order to serve this version of who they are. Yes. Yes. And even saying, I want you to become this so that I can feel more safe with you. What if the person that God is calling that man to be is not someone you feel comfortable with? It should be someone you feel safe with,

emotionally, physically, all the things, but maybe it challenges you. You know, I think we're so used to sometimes being the source of challenge for other people, calling people higher, that we forget that there are contexts in which we're gonna be called higher. And for me, that was letting my husband's journey be his and not about how I could feel better.

So a rule we have is when we go to therapy, we do not share what we talked about in therapy unless we want to. And we don't even put ourselves in this position where someone feels uncomfortable about you asked me so we don't ask. So the only time we know what's happened in therapy is when someone said, hey, I want to talk to you about what came up in therapy. You know, because his space, he deserves a space to be free. The same way I deserve a space to be free. And me and my therapist be cutting up.

You know? Like, I don't know if that was somebody I'm like, this is her Instagram. I'm like, can you pull up? No, not that one, the one down, no. And so like, he needs that same safe space. And I love that he has that. I want him to have that.

And it also made me realize my life is not defined by his wellness. You know, that like, I'm responsible. There's things in my life that I wanted to outsource to him. I wanted to outsource myself a steam to him. You make me feel good. Instead of me build myself a steam from internally, you make me feel secure and confident. Now, there's a part of relationship as a part of that. But like the bulk of what I'm called to be,

it's my responsibility, you are added onto that. You know, you support that, you compliment that, you nurture it, but it has to exist because I've done the work for it to be there. Okay, so when we talk about trauma playing out in relationships. Oh yeah. I am recognizing when I met my husband, I was in a really great place.

I bought my home in Texas, is me and my two kids. I got out of a toxic marriage and I was just finally at a place where I was like, I can trust myself. I love myself. My story doesn't make me cringe. I pick up, I move to Los Angeles and I'm in this unfamiliar, fast-paced city without as much support as I had been used to. My brother was here.

I had a family friend here, but that's drastic in comparison to how much support I had. And I found myself, I think, clinging to him creating my esteem, my confidence. And even if you don't move to a new city, you have a new baby, you lose a job, you take on a new job. Home is this place where it is where I should be able to find my footing. But because he's got his own thing and he's going through life himself, this may not be the place where I am finding my footing. And I think I found myself afraid anytime he had a bad day

even if it didn't have anything to do with me at like this isn't going to work. He's upset with me. What did I do? I've learned a lot and grown a lot, but I do think it goes back to that putting all of our dependency on this one person's emotional state and making sure that they're offering us that sense of comfort. How do we identify the way that our trauma becomes a filter for maybe not just our partner's actions, but for everyone's actions. How do I know? That's coming through the trauma filter. This is coming through the healed filter. Yeah. I think a question that I get my clients to answer is, what are your automatic expectations? And when did they start becoming expectations?

Right. When did you automatically start feeling like if a friend Mr. Birthday, they didn't like you anymore? Like what birthday did you, did you realize like, I now have this expectation? Okay. What are the things that you automatically expect people to do? And if they don't do

them, you can say to yourself, I knew this was going to happen, or this was just like, or this always happens, right? And in some way, hear ourselves saying this always happens, or like, this is just like, or I can never those points of patterns, like those statements, they point to patterns and help us see there's something internally that's happened in the past that I am trying to resolve

in the present and I'm trying to protect myself in the future. I'm trying to offer myself as tribute, but the way you came in here is so violent. I'm not really filling that, but I feel like being the sister that I am to the delegation that I should offer myself as tribute, but I feel like being the sister that I am to the delegation I should offer myself as tribute so they can do their work.

A Kobe, I just met you and I'm telling you, if you drag me, I'm not so far from Eve that I won't kick back a little bit. You got nails on, I don't. So let me just tell you. You can help me. Oh my gosh. Okay, are you ready? So I was doing a podcast.

And the person at the end starts saying a lot of nice things about me. And I don't like it. I don't like when people say nice things about me. They're picking me. Is that the trauma? Is that a trauma filter? Well, I will say this, all healing starts with getting curious.

And so before I make a judgment, I will ask questions. Okay. What are you feeling your body when someone compliments you? Well, you are just like Dr. Neigh, that's why she likes you. I'm not. I feel nerves fear.

Where do you feel on your body? Oh. Like in my stomach. Yeah. When else do you feel that in your stomach? When else do you have that sensation in your stomach? When I'm about to preach. Yeah.

What do you feel when you preach? Any or before it? In it. Free. Yeah. When we're free, we often feel seen. And being seen is vulnerable. Being seen is vulnerable.

Being seen is intimate. And it can feel scary when someone who has not spent time with you, sees something of you that is so intimate and so real, because it means that there's a part of you on the inside that's living on the outside and the world can see it. Discover the heartwarming and hilarious world of sibling connections on sibling revelry with Kate Hudson and Oliver Hudson. You might be asking yourself, what is sibling revelry?

Yeah, well, we just made it up. They'll have some laughs, and maybe inspire some people along the way with universal tales of what it's like to grow up with brothers and sisters. We're full blood siblings, the only full blood sibling. In our family? Well, not in the world. I mean, in the whole world. That's just it, like no one.

Dive into family tales and explore the human mind with guests like Joel and Benji Madden. And it's fun because we've decided to open it up, you know, to really like all kinds of different siblings. And it's going to be an awesome season. It's more than a podcast. It's a celebration of the ties that bind us. Listen to sibling revelry with Kate Hudson and Oliver Hudson. On the iHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. On the Co-Switch Podcast, talking about race can be sad, infuriating, and even funny. Some police department did a landing on a train.

Like that's beyond parity in a way. Like that's like an onion headline. We're here to cry, scream, and laugh right along with you. Listen to the Code Switch podcast from NPR on the iHeartRadio app or wherever you get your podcasts. Hi, this is Jizelle and Robin and we're the host of reasonably shady on the Black Effect podcast network. I absolutely love our podcast. Yes, it has been so much better than I expected. Yes, because we get to share our lives with

everyone. They get to learn about us. This is the podcast that you want to listen to just to feel like you're in the living room with your girlfriends, you're driving in the car with your girlfriend, you're having that good girlfriend talk. And sometimes we say things that like you want to say, but you can't say out loud. We're like speaking your mind for you, but you're scared to say it, but we're going to say it. We do hot topics.

We talk about reasonable and shady things. So get into it. Get into it and join us every Monday for ReasonBelie Shady and be sure to tune into the latest season of the Real Housewives of Potomac. Subscribe to ReasonBelie Shady on the I-Hard Radio app, Apple Podcast, or wherever you listen to your favorite shows. Professional dancer Cheryl Burke has been part of Dancing with the Stars since the very beginning. 26 seasons of the Samba, the Rumba and the Charcher, 24 partners, 6 finals and 2 Miraball trophies.

She knows all the secrets, the behind the scenes arguments and the affairs, the flings, the flirting and the fighting. It's time to tell all on her new podcast, Sex, Lies and Spray Tans. We'll take you all the way back to Season 1 and up through today for the dance floor drama like you wouldn't believe. Former partners, co-stars, friends and frenemies will join Cheryl each week. Listen to Sex, Lies and Spray Tans. On the IHR radio app, Apple podcasts or wherever you get your podcasts.

You here was good guys the real story teller ever fed Joe. Check out my teller memoir. The book a whole day. The audiobook is legendary, available wherever audio books are sold. Check out this exclusive clip from the Book of Jose. But loyalty is at the core of T.S. People have wondered how I got all these characters to gel into one unit. I think the kids that I treat every individual is special, but our shared dream was always about our unity. All for one and one for all. That's what it is. Terrible squad, as it's constituted today,

it's one large family. Everyone plays a part based on their own passions and expertise, but we share collective goal to elevate our community. So when I don't like that, I don't like being seen that way. No, I don't think it means you don't like being seen that way. I think it just is unnerving sometimes to be intimate with people who you are not intimate with. Rather, it's hard to feel like there are people who have access to intimacy with you that you have not chosen intimacy with.

And that's what we call a parasocial relationship. Like you know of me and you know me partially, but you don't know me in here. So when you call out something in here that you can see from out there, all the way out there, that means that the way I'm living, the what I'm projecting is real. People see me and when people see you,

they can hurt you, right? They can celebrate you, they can lift you up, they can tear you down. It's just a vulnerable way of existing. So if someone is choosing to live a life where they're like, you know what, I want to be free. I want to be whole. Like, what do you think we have to surrender in order to live that way?

Certainty. About anything. Certainty about what we think life is supposed to be like. What partnership is supposed to be like, who we are, who the people we are called to are, who God is, like remaining ultimately curious and just saying like, I'm willing to learn. I'm willing to find out. I don't know. And even what I think I know, I'm willing to be found wrong. Okay, this is so, so in my messages, I feel like, it really has to be like, if it to be like if it's for you,

it's for you, if it's not, it's not. Yeah. Because I feel like I have a responsibility as someone who was standing in the gap between people and what I perceive God is telling me. Yeah. To make sure that I cast a net wide enough to cover different circumstances and scenarios. And so I was talking last month about, you know, I got a bad report from the doctor and there was on one hand when I was like proclaim your healing. Take your healing.

Plea the blood of Jesus, rebuke the disease. But also I had to wrestle with the reality that there were people who have done all of those things and still got the disease and still died. And I did not want to set myself up or someone else up for this idea of God betrayed me by not giving me what it is that I prayed for.

But instead to stretch our reality in such a way that if this is the path that has been approved for you to take, that sometimes healing is not necessarily the disease being gone. Sometimes healing is God giving me the strength to walk this through and still be a light. Yes. Because if we only make it to where things have to turn out the way that I need them to be, that's the only way I'll have certainty that God is with me, that God is real as if He does it this way, then we miss out on the opportunity of experiencing God's presence and suffering, God's presence in pain and in disease.

And that's just the reality. That God doesn't always show up in the way that we would have wanted him to. But it doesn't mean that we can't access his presence now. Yes, yes. And one that is powerful, two, I'm sorry, about whatever report you got. I'll be praying for you for sure. The three, that makes me think back to the question you asked me about whether it's trying to complement

just thinking about like, you know, when you are thinking about sharing your experience, your lived experience, you're still processing how this is going to affect other people, right? And that's not a bad thing. It just means that you know you represent something. So I wonder when people compliment you,

it's just like this external affirmation that I represent something. I represent these words that they're sharing to me. And what does that mean? Right? Does that mean that I can never change? Does that mean that I can't evolve? You know, does that mean that I can't change?

Or does that just affirm what God's told me, you know, behind the scenes and that's still a nerve-ing. So that was a thought that came to mind. But yeah, I think that a lot of us can identify with what it means to want to look for the manifestation of God's goodness in a person. And I don't think that's all bad. I think that's actually why we're designed for community. And you represent that for a lot of women who look like me. Well, you tried to therapy me on the slide before you moved to the next thing. And I just wanted you know, I did pick it up. Sorry, girl. I don't know.

I don't know if it's that what my instinct tells me that it is that makes me uncomfortable is that like I do not think that I trust people to stay and believe the same thing about me. And I think that obviously I have experience that would point to that as a point of pain. But I think it's also just within the culture in general that you know you love someone the next day, they say something you don't like and then they're completely canceled. And so I think that I could receive it if it felt certain, if it felt like I don't want to say if it felt like truth, but if it felt like something that I could really hang on to. But I do think definitely the inner child of me

is rejected, don't receive it. Because if you come to trust it, they'll rip the blanket off of you. And you'll be back in this situation. So I think that that's part of it. It makes me feel uneasy even when the delegation shows me a lot of love. And I want to lean into it,

but I also don't want to need it. I don't want to trust it. And so there's like this awkward dance of me not being able to really see the impact of my life, my ministry, the words, because I'm so afraid of it being taken away. Yes. Wow. That's so real. And I think that there's actually being taken away. Yes, wow, that's so real. And I think that there's actually a middle ground between like, I fully accepted or I fully rejected, which could be, I'm grateful that how they feel about me right now aligns with who God says I am.

And that may change, but it's really nice to hear God's words coming from somebody else in the moment. And like saying, I can save with this right now. And if you hate me tomorrow, that's all right. I saved it yesterday, you know. The proof yesterday can't feed me today. It's already gone. It's already digested. So like, I can appreciate that right now, you saw a glimpse of who God sees me to be. And that's beautiful. That's good. I got a fear because I just be in an awkwardly light. sees me to be and that's beautiful, that's good. I gotta feel it, because I just want you to know regardless of how much I'm glitching it made it's way in here. Thank you so much.

That means the world. Yeah. Oh, prayer hands. Overhand is when you've said something. When they're going on a little too long you're just like the first show. Yeah. You just think you stop talking that please. Yeah, you just, thanks. Stop talking to me, please. Yeah, I mean, and then I'd be like, dig for something deep, and all I can come up with is your welcome.

I don't know what to say. Yeah, yeah. What do you want to say? Stop saying that. That's it. Stop saying that. What you gonna do with me? How many sessions and can I get a discount?

Maybe. If you're getting a shoot, yeah. Oh, there it is. Stop saying that girl be quiet. It's a hug. Thanks. That's enough. You taught me off today.

Oh, but isn't it crazy that like we spend so much time warding off the very thing that we like have spent years crying out for? Oh my gosh, I need it. Because if they don't say it, I'm going to be like, I'm going to do it. I'm not doing this, right? And do I have the impact like you?

And like I just think about the seasons of my life, where I was like faced down on the ground, looking absolutely bonkers, crying out like God, no one loves me but you. No one sees me, you know what cares. And now like, uh, diamond my good friend, she said this earlier, she said, you're seen. You were, and I was like, thank you. Like I am seen. And I think sometimes the enemy will make us want to cringe when we receive the blessing we spent years asking God for. And so now I'll be like, I am seen.

You know, and I enjoy it. And it's okay to enjoy it. You ever feel guilty enjoying it when people celebrate you? Yes. Mm-hmm. You got to pretend like you're like fick humble. How am I gonna be humble? You know, I'm the humble.

But like, I don't remember where I heard it, but I remember hearing a humble is not downplaying your greatness, humble is staying in the assigned position, God has placed you. Mm-hmm. This is the assigned position. So, yeah, I'm gonna receive the confidence to say, thank you so much, and I'm not gonna pretend

I don't like the perks, because I would, I prayed for these the confidence to say thank you so much and I'm not gonna pretend I don't like the perks because I would I prayed for these perks when I was in the hospital and was last in my life with my son I prayed for these perks, you know when I was like wondering if I wanted to live anymore so I've been processing that in therapy Really how other people feel about me joyfully receiving with God's bless me with Because I think it makes other people uncomfortable and that's what makes me uncomfortable. Okay. Yeah, I think especially

I'm protective especially on social media because I really be trying to like make sure that I take into consider all of the Different scenarios. So like there's too many. There's just so many it be one I miss. Yeah, I didn't even realize How did you not think about the fact. I didn't even realize that. How did you not think about the fact that I can't wear the color red? Yeah. Because my mom used to wear red. Yeah, yeah. And she's going now.

And now I'm hurt. How dare you don't hear from the Lord. And then all I do is add to the list, wear red. Do not wear red. Please choose my red. Next time. No, I think that that's, that's such a worthy journey of learning to really stand in it. Yeah.

Without fear of coming off as arrogant or prideful. Yeah. And being okay with other people wrestling with the reality that to them I may be. Yeah. That's the wrestle between you and God. You know, that's hands on contact. That's between you and him. I can't get into that fight because I got my own battles.

So if you're upset about what it looks like for me to do what God's called me to do, then I mean, it makes me think about Paul with the disciples. They didn't like anything he was doing. But like they watched long enough to be like, okay, maybe he was really doing what God's called me to do. Let's partner with him. So some people are in different parts of process and they may not like

what I'm doing right now, how I'm doing it, how I receive it. Either they'll catch on or they won't, but I can't remember the names of some of the people I cried over 10 years ago. You're right. Just tears wipe them right away. Literally. Yeah. Yeah. Here's why I've been right away. Literally. Yeah. Yeah. I try to warn you. Listen, we're going to have more from Kobe's perspective

and wisdom. Next week, there is something she shared that I believe is really going to help us further unpack our journey to healing and connecting and relationships. So I can't wait to share with you my thoughts on what she said and to collectively process with you so that you can process inwardly. Listen, before we go, we're gonna try rescue Eve again.

Okay, so because this is new and some of the people didn't understand the assignment, I found one out of the headlines, but listen, let's keep them light, let's keep the rescue's light Let's let's end with a chuckle, you know, so I saw a story in the news It's about the Arme's air He is the air of the really fancy Perse bag that the folks be wrapping about and

He plans to give seven7 billion of his fortune, that's the whole thing, to his 51 year old gardener. Okay. His name is Nicholas Pooch. I said that real fast, because I don't know how to say it. But he's an 80 year old heir to the French luxury brand and he is reportedly planning to distribute his wealth to his 51 year old gardener who he also intends to legally adopt. First of all, is this rescue evil? Is this God bless and this? Do you know how many of us grown folks with bills and children want to be adopted? Lord, I see what you're doing in the lives of other people. That's all I'm going to say. I see what you're doing in the lives of other people. That's all I'm going to say. I see what you're doing in the lives of other people.

Okay, 51 years old and about to become billionaire. But let me tell you, the saints are not happy. Who are the saints? Probably like the board. They want to have his mind checked out. They want to make sure that he's thinking properly. Because in their mind, why would you give your $7 billion fortune to a

gardener and your handyman? But let me tell you something. The foolish things of this world, gonna get them every single time. I think we need to rescue Nicholas because for real, it's always the people who are maybe seen as at least likely who are the people that got highlights. So we need to throw him a floaty, throw him a private.

He needs to throw us a private jet. We, does he need to send a yacht for us? Because to be honest, we ain't got it, but he got it. The guard, the guard, they're served. Serve. I know of a Jesus in the garden. And that makes us kinship. Can you send the jet for us?

I don't know. Listen, what do you think? Do we need to rescue him? Or do you think it is excessive? Should he just give some of the fortune and the rest away to charity? I mean, it's not our business. Either way, we still don't have to finish doing things

that we're doing in our life. But sometimes it's nice to visit someone else's world. Let me know. But also, let me know the ways that you need to be rescued. Do you need a floaty out here? Do you need a private jet? Do you need, um, you know, a life raft? I don't know. You tell me what's going on in your world. How we can rescue you. Welcome back to the WomanyVov podcast. We've got an exciting year for 2024. I can't wait to serve you to grow with you and to become a force. I can't wait to move with power with you.

I can't wait to ignite your confidence and become a force. We'll talk more about that throughout the year. Before we go, let's say a quick prayer, God. Thank you so much for the beauty of being seen. Even when it appears that no one's looking at us at all, the opportunity to dig into our heart, our mind and to connect with your spirit, is how we become better.

If something we've said today has highlighted someone's need to go deeper and healing, deeper into the work that is required so that we become more like you. I hope that that comes with ease. God help me to be a good steward of this platform of these people of this opportunity. I want nothing more than for you to be made known and to make it evident that you use unlikely people who are authentic to do impactful things in their world. So bless this week, bless my friends, and you just name my friend.

Alright, I'll see you on next week. On the Co-Switch podcast, talking about race can be sad and furiating and even funny. Some police department did a landing on a train? Like that's beyond parody in a way, like that's like an onion headline. We're here to cry, scream, and laugh right along with you. Listen to the Code Switch podcast from NPR on the iHeartRadio app or wherever you get your podcasts. On one side were the Cowboys, a band of ranchers turned criminals who had plagued the town

for years. On the other, four laman, and their names are the ones you'd recognize, Virgil Morgan and Wyatt Earp, alongside their good friend Doc Holliday. The resulting shootout, known today as the gunfight at the Ok Corral only lasted 30 seconds, but the market left on popular imagination has held on for nearly 150 years. Why? Because Americans have never stopped being fascinated with the Wild West. This July, Grim and Mile presents, Turns its Gays Westward. Join us for a trek into the unknown, the misunderstood, and the forgotten tales of America's westward expansion.

So pack your assumptions and childhood love of the unexplored and get ready to make a journey. Grim and Mile Presents The Wild West is available now. Subscribe on the I Heart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you listen to podcasts. Learn more at grimandmild.com slash presents. Osage County, Oklahoma is getting a lot of attention right now because of Martin Scorsese's latest movie, Killers of the Flower Moon, about the 1920s Osage murders.

I'm Rachel Adams-Herd, the host of Intrust. For over a year, I reported a different story about other ways white people got Osage land and well and how a prominent ranching family became one of the biggest landowners here. Listen to the award-winning podcast, InTrust, on the I Heart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcast.

Hey everyone, it's Sophia Bush, host of Podcast Workin' Progress, and I am thrilled to tell you that Workin' Progress is back for a third season. It has never been more important than right now to have these conversations with all of you so that we can get educated and lightened and we can all be entertained. I will be sitting down and having deep conversations

with thought leaders, newsmakers, celebrities, elected officials, and more. Listen to workin' progress on the I Heart Radio app, Apple podcasts, or wherever you listen to podcasts. Professional dancer Cheryl Burke has been part of Dancing with the Stars since the very beginning. 26 seasons of the Samba, the Rumba and the Char Char. 24 partners, six finals and two Mirabal trophies. She knows all the secrets, the behind-the- scenes arguments, and the affairs, the flinges,

the flirting and the fighting. Listen to Sex, Lies and Spray Tands on the IHR radio app, Apple podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.