Woman Evolve with Sarah Jakes Roberts - The Revolutionary Power in Purpose w/ Khadeen Ellis

Episode Date: March 2, 2022

Happy Women’s History Month to our homegirls! Yaaasss, W.E. finna jigg to 'I'm Every Woman' ALL March long! But hollup…who y’all got—Chaka, Whitney, or boffum? Here to help us take our power back is actress, tv host, youtuber, & podcaster Khadeen Ellis! Sis is kickin’ it with SJR as an authentic representation of what it looks like to be purposeful as a wife, mother, and career woman. TUNE IN & find out how Khadeen is shaping HERstory! Followed by advice on the heart work required to respect boundaries. Sis, support our partners at Noom.com/Evolve + Skillshare.com/Evolve + ShipStation.com, code EVOLVE + Zocdoc.com/WomanEvolve. Then sign-up at WomanEvolve.com/connect to have weekly devotionals greet your inbox!

God can't bless you for ten to be or who you compare yourself to. He can only bless you and the lane that was created for you. I feel that for somebody. You don't need no itch, it's a tea you need boundaries. What? I don't need your lights, I don't need your validation. All I need is a God party for me that's there for all things. All things, all things.

Try. It's being back with my besties for me. Let me tell you something. It is women's history month and women evolve has got you covered. We're going to be talking about women who are making history in their own right all this month and I am so excited. But first, let me tell y'all about y'all. I appreciate Miami over the weekend and a few of y'all put up on the kid.

Don't think that it was not a party. Y'all don't understand. I love when I see the delegation coming out and showing love. I appreciate you all so, so much. One thing that you all should know is each month, we have a theme. If you are not signed up for our newsletters, you gotta get it, warmand evolve.com slash connect.

Each month, we have a theme where we're talking about revolutionary something. This month, we're talking about revolutionary power. And to kick off women's history month, we're gonna be talking about power in purpose with Caden Ellis. She is widely known for her involvement with the Black Love Docky series and her family's YouTube success.

This is all about love and I'm excited to get to know more about her. I have a feeling by the time this is over, we're going to be besties too. Hi Kadeen, how are you? Hello, I'm doing so well. How are you? I'm doing amazing. Thank you for doing this. I'm excited. No, of course. Likewise. You look beautiful in that orange. Oh, thank you. You have to brighten it up a little bit out here. I love that. So where are you at? Where are you at right now?

I'm in LA. You're in LA. Okay. Nice. It's nice. I've been out in Atlanta for eight years. Oh, really? How's the weather there? Right now, it's actually only up and up. So it's been a little chilly, but, um, you know, it's the end of February now. So much March hits. What I'm learning is that it starts to get a little better.

So this weekend is looking like high 70s and maybe maybe. Which is nice. Okay. So I'm not mad at that. I'm not mad at that. Congratulations on the new baby. Thank you. He's up and after went my mad at that. Congratulations on the new baby. Thank you.

He's up and after what my mom right now. He's been so great. I mean, it's crazy to think my fourth boy that I would just be this in love. You know, I'm just thinking it's going to be one more boy to the bunch. Let's just throw him into the mix. But no, something about this one I'm like.

And your babies in life, they all have their own unique offering that they bring to your family so I can totally see this new one having his own special match. Yes. You hit the nail on the head with that one for sure. It's like it's not just another boy that makes this something special about him. I said I prayed for a mini me but I guess I wasn't specific with the with a boy or girl. That's the movie, the top guy. And he said, I'm gonna get you a mini-mesis, but in a boy form. So here he is. Do you come from a big family?

Well, I'm one of three, but I've aunts and uncles and, you know, I think six, twenty-side and tons of cousins and whatnot. Like when Devon, I got married and did our list for our wedding. We sat down and jotted down all of our family members on both side and it was just aunts, uncles, first cousins, siblings, parents and it was like 92 people. Yeah. So, and some pretty big family.

That is big. Well, I have to tell you, your family has been such an inspiration, such a breath of fresh air for this generation. And so I just want to thank you for offering your lives up to us, allowing us to learn from your lessons. We are launching Women's History Month with this podcast series with women who have just found revolutionary power in their own fields and their own identity and so we are, I'm interviewing influential women, I'm interviewing every day women with the intent of just like learning

about your story and your journey. There's a little person crawling behind you and Not a rodent but it does look like a little person Coming from New York at that too. I'm like I get PTSD because you know you mean the subway to your rats everywhere Trust you can say hi You can say hi. You can say hi real quick. You can say hi. Hey, he's rabbit and laptop.

Sarah says hi. It's that is pretty hilarious. If it wasn't going to be him, it was going to be a kid. But I said, you know what, schedule be while they're in school, because someone's liable to pop up. OK, we'll do the best we can. And then we'll have any special guests that come in.

They have to answer questions though. I love that. I love that. Well, I'm happy to be here Sarah and thank you for this opportunity. And you just saying it's a woman's history, but if I just realized it's March 1st. Oh my goodness, I feel like I blinked in February and sover,

but I am super honored to even just be in the company, in the good company of our everyday women, influential women, I will tell you that DeVal and I decided on the social media journey about some wanna say five years ago, five and a half years ago, and it wasn't an easy decision for me because I just came from a family of, you know, we keep your business to yourself, you know,

we don't do too much, you don't talk about too much. However, I really, after we started doing the social media thing and things started to grow, and we were really just existing in our life and existing in our space and just being true to who we were and just kind of putting it out there and seeing that that was catching on. We realized that there was a deficit for that black family

unit being shown in a positive light. So it started as us just really doing that because my husband, you know, going into the acting field, me as well doing telefinite hosted and acting, we were looking for a different way to kind of put ourselves out there. So we felt like, all right, if we do these short little light videos with our family, just to kind of show like, you know, our improv skills or something, like that's really how it started. And then before we knew it, things just started to kind of catch on and it became this kind of movements in the sense where even DeVal now has been like, uh, dubbed the, the Godfather of Daddy content because, you know, he's always putting out videos as well too.

So it wasn't an easy decision for me in the beginning because I kind of just had that protective feeling. You know, Mama Bear like, I don't want to put my kids my cobs out there and I want to put my family out there to be scrutinized in a sense but we realized that we were doing more good than harm especially because we're able to control our narratives when we put our content out there. So turning them down deals for like reality shows or things like that where our likeness might have been taken and kind of misconstrued or you know,

we had to sign away our likeness. We kind of like it here. You know, we love it here where we can kind of exist in a space where we're controlling our narrative. So I get that and I have to tell you, you know that you're making headwits. I am a faithful listener to the read and to hear kid fury and crystals speak positively of you all as a couple is like so beautiful because generally they trashed in cisgender straight men. They're usually trashed. But you guys got to pass. And so we thank you for putting a pass in there for those of us who still hanging on over this other area. I love that. I love that. Shout out to the kid, um, to Wes and and Crystal. They were great. And they were like, for us, they were like the Godparents and podcasting

and things. Because when time came for us to start ours, they were really, really like instrumental in just being a support system for us. They had us on there. So we were able to get that crossover view so people said, oh, who are these people that they're talking about, you know?

So we are definitely forever in debt to them and love them. And he's definitely, we joke with West because he's Jamaican as well that he's pretty much like an honor where he uncle to our son of the family background and whatnot. But yeah, I'm glad that you were able to find us there. Yes. Okay. Revolutionary power in purpose.

That is what we are talking about this week at Waman Evolve, how a woman discovers her power through purpose. That is what we are talking about this week at Waman Evolve, how a woman discovers her power through purpose. And a part of me wants to ask when you felt the most powerful. But I want to kind of backtrack, because I want to know, when is it time in your life where you felt the least powerful, where you felt kind of powerless and susceptible to other people's perception of who you are. Very good question. I probably felt the most, I had several moments when I think about it over the course of my life, moments where I felt like I kind of didn't have control of certain situations

or I wanted to be in better control of situations. And those were times when, of course, I had to just lean, not on my understanding, but just kind of have faith. One in particular was when my husband and I, at the time, we were just boyfriend and girlfriend. And I just graduated grad school, and I was trying to start a career in broadcast journalism,

which people know historically is not the easiest field to break into, but at the time he was in Detroit, playing for the Detroit Lions, and I just knew that I just didn't want to sit back at home and just like chill. I know this was my opportunity while he was good in his career for me to kind of launch mine. So I decided to move to a small market into, to Michigan.

And I said, you know what, let me try to find a job here in this small market where I would be able to then eventually propel myself into a bigger market again like New York where it was from. So he was, you know, established an ins career. He's, you know, star football player doing his thing, left college, he's in the NFL, and then I was just really hitting the hard place with trying to find a job. And could not find anything in my field. The recession hit back in my 2007, 2008,

and I was just really feeling like, you know, I had the ability to do so much and I had exhausted so many options and then nothing was just turning out in my favor when it came to me just kind of really starting this career that I wanted so badly. So with him leaving Detroit and then going to Cleveland, I said to him, I'm like, listen, love you and all, but I'm not about to be this girl that's just going to be following you from state to state, you know, being your your co-tails when I know that there's some things that I want to accomplish and I kind of want to get my career role in. So he said, okay, I understand, you know, you can go back home to New York and we'll figure things out. He ended up retiring and then I went back to New York.

And in that moment, we realized that we were pretty much starting from scratch. Any bit of savings, any bit of assets that we had, were all completely lost, stock market investments, anything that we had done to start this little nest egg was just a disappearing. And then I went back to Brooklyn with him and he and I sat in the apartment

and we just were like, what do we do now? And not being able to find a job, I said, you know what, let me lean on a little craft that I had, which was, do we make up? So I said to him, man, you know, I'm gonna just go to the mall. At the time, we had just gotten engaged. I said, that's a goff-mah, my wedding ring or my engagement ring at the time.

And I put it on the nightstand and I said, I'm just going to go to the mall and I'm just going to try to find a job, just do something. So got on the B44 bus that was around the corner from the house. I went to the mall. Pretty much big. Matt Cosmetics to give me a job at the time, even just something part-time that we could stay afloat with. And then luckily they hired me and in that moment I was at least working part-time and just able to help supplement the bills and then trying to do

little makeup jobs and gigs on the side. And it was a power less situation for me in that moment because I felt like I always had something going for me at the time, whether it was I was in grad school and I had like my side hustle gig, you know, doing my internship. So I was able to like, you know, do something else if I wasn't on the career path that I wanted at the time. At least it was like something towards what I wanted to do, which was ultimately beyond camera. But to me in that moment, I just felt really unfulfilled in whatever my purpose was because

I felt like I just had to make ends meet and do what I had to do at the time. And it wasn't necessarily what I wanted to do. My car had gotten broken into one morning when I was on my way to do a 13 person wedding party. Well, I've never forget it was Columbus Day. And I was like, damn, I have to go do this wedding party. I had to be up at like five in the morning

to drive to Long Island. I went downstairs. My car was broken into. My makeup kit was stolen. I had to call a friend of mine who was another makeup artist. And I was like, hey, I just need a kit. I need makeup. I have 13 faces to do in a ray of skin tones.

Like, what is this going to look like for me? And she was able to give me a kit to just at least get in by for that day. It just felt like there was just a bunch of things, one after the other that I was just feeling so defeated in. But the great thing that I did have to fall back on was of course the support of my boyfriend at the time. And then my family as well who is very, very instrumental in my life and just making

sure that on those times when I feel down and out at least I don't feel alone which is a lot of the reasons why I'm able to continue. You already know how much your girl loves food and food loves your girl okay. Not just any food I'm talking about the good kind carbs they love me back they love me too much I need us to break up. Thanks to Noom and their psychological approach, I have a better understanding of why I eat carbs and win. I love that Noom emphasizes progress over perfection because striving for the impossible can be overwhelming.

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when you were in Michigan. And that's difficult, especially when you've always seen your life moving with this forward momentum. And I feel like so many women can relate to this idea of like my plan is working, it's moving along, even if it's just a simple plan for the day. Okay. Like I woke up on time, I got this thing together and then all of a sudden, like that momentum stops. And when it's out of your hands, that is a really powerless feeling. But I also feel like when I look back on my life, I think I became someone in those moments where I felt powerless, where I felt like I had

ability but no options. And whether that was someone who surrendered to the connections around me and allowed myself to be poured into an encouraged or someone who just rolled up her sleeve and figured out how to build the website herself, like who do you think you became in that season where you had ability but no options? Oh, man. I, it was, I think it was a couple different things. It was me just trying to find a way.

So I was after getting that job at Mac Cosmetics, we ended up getting married. I had my first son. And then I felt super restricted because I was working a retail, you know, schedule, retail environment. So, you know, that already is demanding just with the hours and having to always be in store.

I was a manager because I kind of worked my way up the ladder. I felt like, okay, I'm out of this run of just trying to find this part time gig. But then I did not have the autonomy over the time that I wanted. So I had my first son. We were married. But I was always working. I didn't have time. I felt like for that first year and a half, I just completely lost time with my first son.

And I'll never forget, it was Thanksgiving back in, I wanna say, I forget the year now, but maybe like 2011 or 12, my son was on maybe like a year, year and a half. And this is when Macy started doing the hours where you can come in as of like midnight to start shopping after Thanksgiving. So they were moving up that black Friday time more and more.

And I was just like, I got to go open the store at midnight. So I'm leaving Thanksgiving dinner. Like I said, family's very big for me. I'm leaving Thanksgiving dinner, leaving my son, you know, what was, I think it was his first Thanksgiving. So that's why it was very emotional for me. But his first Thanksgiving and I was just like, I have to I think it was his first Thanksgiving. So that's why it was very emotional for me. But his first Thanksgiving, and I was just like, I have to get up and go to his store and, you know, sell makeup.

Like people don't even value family anymore. Like what's going on? This is crazy. And I remember looking at my husband, and I put my head in his chest. I had my makeup done and my all-blad really go to work. And I put my head in his chest, and then instantly just started like sobbing.

So then the makeup is all mess. And then, you know, he's looking at me and he's just like, hey, I promise you, this is your last time having to leave us for Thanksgiving or any holiday for that matter to have to go to work. I want to be able to make sure that you are supported

and you feel like you will be able to have the autonomy over the time that you want some desperately with your family. And I said, I understand, I know, as I usually say to him, and I left to go to work that day. Just leave my family to be there, you know, with my son to just give him the experience of having the family around for Thanksgiving in that weekend. And my husband didn't tell me until recently when we were on date night, like maybe last

week was that, you know, when I walked away from that moment and he watched me kind of turn the corner in the car, he said that he began to stop because he felt like, man, I could not even in this moment console my wife and give her an option. So in those powerless moments, I lean on and I was able to lean on the help of my husband, the help of my family and just kind of relinquish certain things that weren't in my control. Me being very much wanting to just be very type A and organizing, having things in order. It's very hard for me sometimes to just kind of

let things go. So to your point, I definitely was that woman that said, you know what, Kadeem, you're gonna have to slowly as you have children and a life and a career and you're trying to juggle all the things, which I definitely felt deep down was possible. I know sometimes women feel like you can't have the career,

you can't have the family, you can't have the you, you know, the self-care moments. I wanted so desperately to have all those things and I knew that I had to just relinquish some of that to people around who were offering to help. A lot of it, too, was me just picking myself up by the bootstrap and saying, I says, you don't like this retail environment. You don't want to be on somebody's clock. You want to have autonomy over your time. You have a talent. So what you should do is while you're at Metc cosmetics as a manager and

you're building this business for Frank and Frank, whoever they are, who I've never seen, how about you try to build a business for yourself? So that's when I said, hmm, I'm going to now, once my husband made that promise to me, he was able to build up enough credit in SAG as an actor doing commercials where he was able to now get health insurance for the family. So the real reason why I held on to the job at Mac was because I was the one that had the health insurance. We could tough it out if it was just me and him, but now that we had a child, he needed to be responsible and I'm like, bro, I'm going to need to keep this job at least for the health insurance. So he said to me, oh listen, I'm going to book these commercials. I'm going to

get this SAG health care insurance insurance that way you can pull back. And I kid you not Sarah, we got to the mailbox one day, trucking in with the baby and the stroller and the laundry going outside apartment in Brooklyn. And we opened the mail and we were looking at, I think maybe two weeks prior looking at how much money he had to accrue in order to be eligible for that health insurance.

So he needed something like $3,300 and like say $65, right? So he just said, damn, I just need this residual money to come in or I need to book one more commercial so that way I'd be able to have this and then you could just leave Mac, you could leave Mac. We opened this mail on the way in because I used to laugh and joking him in the elevator on the way to the apartment door. He would just be opening his checks like, damn how much money someone in this week, like we're literally counting every check as it comes in. And we get to the door and he opens a check.

And it was down to like the dollar of how much we needed to be eligible for that health insurance. And I remember him looking at me, he kind of stopped in his tracks and I saw his eyes well up. And I was like, what's the problem? What's the matter? Like, I thought, I don't know what thought what happened. At this point, I thought it was a bill. I was like, who's money now? He ain't going to IRS. Like who is it? And he's turned the checker around and showed me, and I kid you not Siri. It was like like almost, it was like $3,366. It was like down to the dollar of what we needed. And he was like, do you know what this means?

And I was like, what? Like I thought I knew what it meant, but he was like, let me know what it means. And he said, you could leave Mac like now. I said no way to vote, no way. So in that moment, we like hugged, we cried, we celebrated. I was like, let me put my little two week notice in. So what I ended up doing was leaving Mac full time as a manager, but all of the knowledge

that I had gained working as a manager, seeing how the business ran, seeing PNLs and all those little things. I just took all of that and put it in my mental rollercoaster. I said, you know what, when I start my own little makeup business, I'll be able to use those tools that I learned to then make it benefit me and not someone else. So I left Mac full time.

I was able to pull back and then become a freelance makeup artist. So I could still at least be in the store to make contact with some of the people and the clients and stuff like that, kind of keep myself abreast of what was happening in the field. But then I was able to now have my own makes a business where I was doing weddings, I was doing photo shoots, I was doing fashion, make so many different things, that way I was able to not control my schedule

and then make almost at some times, sometimes I was making three to four times more than what I was even making a month at Mac. So in that moment, I was like, you know what? I'm gonna find a way where I felt powerless to now take the power back into my hands, which I needed so desperately to find a way to make it work for me.

And this in turn gave me the autonomy that I wanted over my time, so I can invest in my family. I can invest in, you know, what I wanted to do for myself or what the next step was going to be for me or trying to find ways to build a next thing so I can get back in front of the camera and not be a starving artist. So that's how I was able to kind of flip things.

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Okay, I wonder because you touched a little bit about how you and your husband basically were kind of trading places as it relates to like provision and providing for one another, which I feel like, I don't know, do you think that is that like an old school way of doing marriage where it's like, I don't necessarily need him to make more money than I do

or I don't have to be the breadwinner. She don't have to bring her, or she's gonna have to bring her own. Like my parents very much so demonstrate this level of partnership. Like my dad was the breadwinner when they got married. He ended up having an accident and so my mom picked it up and that's kind of partnership. Like my dad was the breadwinner when they got married. He ended up having an accident and so my mom picked it up and that's kind of how

I've been ingrained to like, yo, we in this together. You know, so like if you down, I'm up. And if I'm up, then you can take some time down. But I feel like, I don't know, I feel like there's a narrative, whether it's true or not, at least when I throw it out there, there's a narrative that like you need to have your own,

I need to have my own. And don't expect for mine to ever become yours. Oh my goodness. That's some new ways, joint Sarah. That is a huge thing. What is going on? What is going on? And I don't know what that's about.

I mean, I guess to some people's defense, we're dealing with a lot of different things now. Think about it, right? Social media, I think in itself, is something that is a huge deterrent for some people because they feel like, you know, this is this extra entity that we have to now battle with when it comes to like the dating scene, for example.

But with Deval and I, we are, like your parents, very traditional. He's always also been very traditional in that. Even when we first started dating, he had every intention of saying, you know what, I am gonna to be the one to say, pay the bills in the house. Anything that you bring in is supplemental.

That's your money. You could do what you want with that. But me as the man in the house, I feel like it's my responsibility and my duty to make sure that at least the household bills are taken care of and that they're sustained. But when we were younger, we met at 18, well, we started dating at 18.

We met back in elementary school days. But it was a thing where in college, when both of us had nothing really, he had his little meal plan, had maybe like $1800 a semester, you know, I had my little side gig job where I was just, you know, hustled and making pocket money. And it was a thing where if I got it, you got it. And there's no question about that. And there's some days when DeVal, for example, when he retired from the NFL and came back home to Brooklyn

with me, that's when I took my ring off and went to Mac. And then I was the one that was making the money and supporting the family. He was at home with the baby, you know? And I know he had his moments where he felt like just as a man, he was like, man, I can't be just sitting at home when my wife is getting a pig on the bus to work and I'm home. You know, he definitely had those moments

where he felt like, you know, I'm not doing what I should be doing as a man. But with at the same time while he was raising our son, he was also starting up a training business. So the thing that I love would devout and that some people feel like they shouldn't do nowadays is fall in love with someone's potential, right? Or fall in love with someone's ability,

or just have the foresight to see, wow, this person really, you know, is gonna be something, and I believe that. I felt that early on with DeVel, when we met in college, our first conversation when we had our first date. We literally sat and spoke to each other, spoke to each other about our hopes, our dreams,

the things that we wanna do. I remember Martin was on TV, and I'm sitting in this dorm room, I'm eating the sandwich, and you know, just kicking back talking to him like he's an old friend. Mind you, we hadn't even really met ever. We just kind of saw each other and passing over the years.

And I was like, yeah, what you want to do with your life? I'm like, you in college, like, what are you in school for? What are you doing? And he's like, to be honest, I'm just so useful as a vehicle for me to do that. And he pointed to the screen and it was Martin. And I was like, oh, I was like, you wanna like film stuff

or you wanna be an actor, he's like, no, I wanna be an actor so bad. Like, that's that's what I wanna do. I just had to figure out how to get there. And I was like, well, let's just make a plan. How are we gonna do this? Because I wanna be on CV2, you know? And it was just that conversation

that then spiraled us into more things. But what I saw, both of us had early on was the work ethic and the drive to be able to make that happen. So it was just easier for us because I felt like we had a partner that helped us to kind of get into these fields that don't necessarily have like, you know, the point A to point B road map for you. It's one of those things where you really have to work to kind of find your way into the

industry. So on those moments when he didn't have anything, I had it and it was vice versa. And that just worked really well for us. And I feel like it worked back in the day. Like you said, it worked for your family, right? You're gonna keep your mom and dad, you know? But a lot of people nowadays, I feel like there's a lot of,

like, you know, this is mine, this is mine. They feel guarded in a sense, or they feel like they have to just kind of attain all the things and then keep that to themselves because for fear of just people wanting things from them. You know, I've had conversations and I've overheard, you know, for example, female saying, hey, like, hey, I'm hungry. I want to meal today.

Let me call up such and such and go on and say, we could pay for my dinner or, you know, that ain't it. That ain't it. That ain't it. That ain't it. That ain't it. That ain't it. You know, guys being guarded now, how am I gonna date somebody

if I don't even know if her intentions are pure? It's all about intentions and the purity of it. I think that people are very, very leery of nowadays. And also too, you know, my mom is also raised me. You know, my mom came up from Jamaica when she was 17, worked really hard for everything on her own, and then met my dad, and they built together. But she's also too telling me,

you know, you know, your husband is gonna be the breadwinner, and that's what he wants to do, and that's great. But Aina and Ron was having your own, and Aina and Ron was being the person that has a supplemental income, and Aina and Ron was having a little rainy day stash because you just never know. But one thing my husband and I are transparent about

is that we know what's going on. There's no hiding of money and you know all that we both know what the accounts are, what the accounts are doing, when money is being transferred, we have those open discussions, we have the family pot, you know, we have a little side money, you know, if I want to get them a little something and he knows he, he's going to be checking my American Express on my brother, go check that one, see if that has that account. You know, little things like that allow us the opportunity to have that fun. That's so good.

Your marriage has represented so much purpose for millennials for sure. But I think in general, I think even those who are not millennials, I think you represent hope and the possibility that you can still have the dream, right? Like you can have the marriage, you can have the children, you can have this career, and you can have fun, right? Cause y'all don't look like y'all stick at each other,

y'all don't look bored. You look like you actually enjoy one another, and like that is your partner. How much pressure is it to represent this dream for people while also navigating the reality of your own growth and your marriage? You know, it's funny. We feel like whenever we, like Instagram, for example, is known to be a highlight reel, right? So people typically show the highs and everything that's happening that's fun. Which is what things started out for us. We would just kind of show all these happy fun moments

and stuff. But we also felt it necessary that while putting out the highlights and the good stuff, we had to speak on the tough times. And we had to speak on the times when we weren't necessarily on the same page. Along came the podcast where we were able to, we joke about it, and we say that we can read each other publicly as a form of therapy. But that's literally what the podcast is, because we want people to know that, first of all, devalent cadena, not devalent cadena, who just met two years ago, and this is just how we miraculously became.

We have been together, October will make 20 years together. So this has been 20 years of us investing in our relationship. This is 20 years of us waking up every day and finding out, you know, or deciding to ourself that we wanted to be in this relationship. It's 20 years of us deciding that, you know what? We want to be of service to each other.

And that's something that we recently have been preaching on our podcast is that you should not want to be in a relationship unless you are deciding that you want to be to be in a relationship unless you are deciding that you want to be of service to someone. If you're coming into a relationship and you are just thinking about self or you're just having this checklist of, I have to be this man to be this, this, that, that, that and the third, but you look at your checklist and your checklist is not, it's not matching up

to what you're looking for. You're just looking for what you can gain from another person, then that may not be the right motivation for you and want to even be in a relationship. Relationships are about being a service to each other and that's the development I have been stressing and that's why I think things work for us because we're purposely now waking up even more so because we have children, we have careers, we have so many things going on that it's easy to lose sight of each other, it's easy to lose sight of that union sometimes. So waking up in the morning, I usually will turn over to him and I'll be like, so what can I do to make your day easier today? Or what do you have going on today that I can help with?

Or that's our conversation start in the morning usually, or even end at night because we just always want to make sure that we're tapping into each other and making sure that, you know, we're okay and that we're actually okay and not just saying that. So we owe it to people to let them know that this is great and all and it works and we have fun doing it and he's my person and you know as far as I know I'm his person and you know everything is going well in that circumstance, but we also too have moments where things are not

necessarily on the up and up. And we talk about it and we're very transparent about the conversations that we have because we think it's necessary. So if I tell you how many people email us, DM us, send us notes to say, y'all literally saved my marriage or you saved my relationship. Or you made me realize that I am not cut out to be in a relationship. These are things that people

have told us. And it's fun when I think about like my purpose. Purpose for me was always a word that I was intimidated by because I felt like Purpose meant it had to be some sort of Grand thesis statement about life or this mantra that I needed to have like this one statement of who I would who I am or what I supposed to be and What I've learned is that my purpose is fulfilling itself just through this ministry of that my purpose is fulfilling itself just through this ministry of being who I am. And that in people see, this is Cadene, she's able to do these things. She's married to an amazing person. She has amazing children, and she's still able to continue to pour into herself.

And if it means that other women are inspired by my story, or if it means that other women can say, you know what, I've learned this from the LSS or I've just been able to get out of a dark spot because I was able to watch your content and it just pulled me out of that moment that I was in or it gave me hope. Then I feel like my purpose is being fulfilled in that sense. And that's been great for me and that's a revelation

that I've had recently because for a long time, I was existing in the space of, I don't really know what my purpose is, but not knowing that I am living in it, and I'm being of service to other people by being able to help other people in whatever facet of life they may need that help. Other than providing a solution for someone in need, the best part of being a business owner is finding solutions that help my business run as efficiently as possible and are also affordable. Needless to say, ship station is one of the best resources we use at Waman

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and type in Evolve, that's shipstation.com. and type in Evolve, that's shipstation.com. Oh, girl, you are preaching because, man, I feel like purpose has been hijacked and it's all about achieving. And I think that what you just said there is, it is about service. And anyone can be in purpose, no matter what stage of their life they're in,

no matter how much money's in their bank account, whether their dream has been fulfilled or not, by showing up with the heart posture to serve, serving your children, serving whatever you're doing at the job, not just showing up and getting the check, right? But really serving to make whatever environment I'm in better as a result of me being connected to it like that is purpose to leave knowing that I made that person better. I made that project better for me. That's where I've received my sense of purpose and it sounds like in your marriage that you're showing up with that mindset as well and just being in purpose in marriage.

I have to tell you the way that you do marriage sounds very similar to the way that I'm doing marriage. This is my second marriage. I've been divorced. And the first time I got married, I used to tell my mom, because we'd see couples who've been married for 60 years. And I was like, why would anyone do that? You can have three great marriages in 60 years.

Like why would anyone do that? But now that I'm in this marriage, it takes all of me to show up and become one with this person and to serve their dreams. And like, I don't see how people are polyamorous because like, if you're showing up, I'm tired. I don't have time. There's no room for no more love. I'm all loved out. This is it. You sound like me. And I also feel like I'm touched out too. Because I'm at the point now, I was like, listen, have the four kids,

I have four children in me. Now I have one that's finally out, but he's still attached to the person. I have the one to touch me and if somebody else wants to hug me. And I'm like, is it a thing where you can just be touched out? Okay, so let me touch. Yes, let's talk about it. Let's talk about power and purpose in touching.

Okay, I was listening to this podcast because I beat high high like I cuddle all day long. My baby girl. She loves cuddles. My son had was over me. He gives me these huge bare hugs like and it's great and it's beautiful. But sometimes I just don't need all of the touching and I you know and then but there is a time where you need to need the touching and when you don't want the touching but you need to need the touching. And when you don't want the touching, but you need to need the touching, it be a disconnect. And I was listening to this podcast that was like,

if a woman doesn't have an opportunity to reset from being like the mother and to live within her own body as a woman, then she cannot show up for her partner in a way that is sexy, that is available because she's all touched out. And like now I realize why I'd be irritated when it's like the moment the door closes, it's touch time. It's like I need a moment to reset and recenter.

So I don't know, maybe that's blessing somebody else. Like take a minute for you, breathe in. Yeah. It's a real thing girl. I completely, and it's funny that somebody else said it because I thought that it was just me feeling some kind of way like, yeah, like, I just, I just wanna be, you know,

if I just wanna do it, it's like, okay. But yeah, there is a reset and my husband had joked about, I think it was a video he did on Instagram or something that he needed to reset my freak level. And I'm just like, I do need a reset button. I said because, you know, I'm just like, I do need every set button. I said because you know, I'm all for the shenanigans. Yeah, let's do it. Let's do it. Let's do what we got to do. But let me let me rebuild. I need a minute. You record it. You know, and I feel

like I'm good on vacation, but that day to day life day-to-day life, I don't know where she is. I don't know where she is. Girl vacation me any day. It was funny because somebody asked me about my sign or something and they said, oh, let me like read your sign or whatever. I'm like, okay, cool, whatever. And she said something like, you do well when you travel. So look at my husband, I'm like, see, like traveling, traveling is necessary for my psyche. It's something about the ambiance. It's something about being disconnected. It's something about not having the kids nearby.

I live with my parents as well too, and what they live with us, I should say. So my parents are here full time. So sometimes my husband will come by and we want to do the butt grab and whatnot. And I'm just like, oh my dad is definitely staying in my life. I'm so cooking. And he can see you at any given moment, bro.

And he's like, yeah, but it's my house. And get farther. No, I say you know that. That's all right. And it's just funny because I need to sometimes be in a different environment to just then reconnect. The butt grab. OK, listen, I have heard that this is affection.

And it was hard for me to receive that as affection. Like we just had this conversation. But yeah, because I think when I think of affection, I think less like private body parts and more like handholding and like caressing. For a kid to. Right. Not necessarily.

Like let me just run up right up on it and grab it. But I've had to like learn to receive, you know, this is your form of affection and I can receive that as long as there's also a balance with my form of affection. These marriage conversations, they be tight, they tight. Listen, they get complicated. They know you talk about love languages

and I feel like they have, what is it? Like four or five love languages, but then they're all like subcategories within those love languages. So it's like when it comes to touch, what is it? Like four or five love languages, but then they're all subcad, and there's subcadigories within those love languages. So it's like when it comes to touch, what is touch is actually looking like for you and for me. So for my husband, he tells me that the butt grab is really his way of just letting me feel seen. So he wants me to understand it.

And he's like, okay bro, I appreciate that. I appreciate that, but sometimes for me, I kind of felt like that was the lead up to him wanting to be in it. You remnant that. Yeah, you remnant it. And I was like, oh, okay, so you trying to do this is like the foreplay to get there. But then God forbid I'd be tired or not in the mood. And I'm like, oh, Lord, now I got it. Now he didn't grab my butt. Now I got to find a way to find a way to, is my, is my, is my free my free level recon it really she where you know she has channeling her in channeling her in I'm like I know what I know where this is going is just not no innocent but grabs the gun with intention yeah so now there's levels to the bug grab girl no the yeah I always take to me it's

always got intention to it so like I don't see it separate from affection but yeah okay okay, amen. Everything's fine. I agree. We have an advantage. This is why we have to have these conversations. We do. I told you that these are why podcasts are so important because so many times you feel like you're the only one dealing with something and it could be something simple and playful. Like we're talking about or it could be a bigger topic, but it's like, hey, at least I know and what we found to you, Devalonite a bigger topic, but it's like, hey, at least I know, and what we found too, devalana in doing the podcast is that

when we have listening letters and people write in and stuff, it's not even just a man and all the men feel this way, and then all the women feel that way. Sometimes I'm like, oh, I agree with this man right now. Like his wife is tripping, or he deval will be like, oh, I can't believe there's a woman with the higher sex drive or something. Like there's just so many things that are just people driven now

and not necessarily man or woman thing. And we learn that. And I think people find some kind of consolation in that now because they feel like, okay, at least I know I'm not crazy. My spouse is not necessarily crazy. Because other people kind of exist. In this conundrum that we're dealing with right now, you know?

That part, you can victim me with that part. I was like, at least I'm not crazy. And then you're like, at least he's not crazy. That to receive that. Because it's so easy to be like, there's victim me with that part. I was like, at least I'm not crazy. And then you're like, at least he's not crazy that to receive that. Because it's so easy to be like, there's something wrong with you. But then you realize that a lot of this is just the human experience and being in relationship.

It really is. That's why I encourage people to now just really understand. Like something I always aspired to do and be was a mother and a wife. Like that was always paramount for me. I knew early, excuse me, I knew early on in life that that's something that I wanted. And I saved some people nowadays, you know, when they're debating about relationships and things like that, is this something that you really want?

Is this something that you're cut out for? Because there will be a lot less hurt people if people are not showing up to interactions as representatives of themselves and they're showing up as their true self on what they really want. So that way at least it gets a lot of the guessing out of the way. Give people the choice to decide whether or not they want to interact with you, whatever capacity that is. I cannot stand to have my choice taken away from me. Don't show up to me with no representative. Let me know what it is off the bat. So then I can now be afforded the choice and the opportunity to decide if this is something that will be fulfilling for me or not. And too many people nowadays, I feel like

are just especially with social media. You have this representative of who you are. There's this resume for a lack of a better word that people are walking around with now socially or on media. lack of a better word that people are walking around with now socially or on media. And it's like, you know, is this really who you are? You know, is this just your persona? You know, are you meant to be in a monogamous relationship? Maybe you're not meant to be in a monogamous relationship. Maybe you are just meant to be somebody who dates around. So if you're transparent about that upfront, then you can probably meet somebody who's willing to just want a date around, and you can exist in your little space over there, and then people who are intentional about being together

can try to find somebody to be together with in a companionship. So it's just funny how things are starting to kind of manifest itself in a way where devalent I feel like at least, you know, the podcast episodes and like the things that we're doing and the things that we're putting out there on social media are Speaking to people in different ways where they know that they want to be a part of something or not So that's been great for us to see and I love that you make it you make it look fun But you make it real it doesn't necessarily look easy and I don't think it should look easy because that's why people run up on it

And then have heart attacks so they they're like, oh my gosh, nobody told me it was going to be like, oh, it's all this. Yes. Absolutely. But you make it look real. And that's what we need. Yeah. I mean, I think too, that's the reason why the Valentine I were able to kind of sustain this over the course of the past almost six years is because we're not constantly on a trend or trying to follow something that's been done already. We're just existing in our space and we're sharing accordingly the way we want to.

I know so many people feel like, oh my god, we know so much about the LSS and we know everything about the LSS. The funny thing is, yeah, I know like this much. I believe that. You think about a day. Yeah. You think about a day, the 24 hours in a day,

how many minutes is that? You see a one minute video? That's not even the tip of the iceberg of what exists in our space. I saw a meme recently that said, like, the best people are, not the best people, but like, people who know how to be publicly pro, to be put, is it either publicly private or to exist privately in a public space like social media had the recipe figured out. And I feel like that's us. I feel like we do have a lot of private things

that we don't share or just things that we keep to ourselves just because it's sacred to us or it's just for our own sanity. But then we do have the stuff that we're willing to share because we want to be able to share. So it's a great balance for us because we're able to do both. We can have the fun, but we can be real. We can have them on once we tell people, like like, okay, this happened and it wasn't necessarily a good thing, but here was the outcome or here's how we dealt with it. And having those

different mediums, for example, the podcast and the Instagram or the YouTube, people are able to get different things from different avenues. So I'll tell you what's out. As someone who grew up as the child of someone who was in the spotlight, that my parents keeping something that was just for us, just sacred to us, helped us to not feel like we were sharing them with the world. So when a lot of people, a lot of times, you feel like, thank you for sharing your parents with the world. And it's like, I didn't really share them with the world. Like I just said what you saying, but there's parts to them that like no one will ever see

but us. And that's why I love going home. It's just because I know what I'm getting. Like I'm not getting Bishop TDJs. I'm not getting First Lady Serita Jakes. There are parts of your family that are so sacred and so holy. So I don't know if that's, you know, maybe that's just

the seed for you to keep in your heart as you raise these babies and allow us a peak into your life that there's a way that you can do it and not lose out on those intimate moments with your family as well. For sure. Oh, thank you for that. That's actually a little nugget that I'm going to take because that's something that I battle with

is how long I want to continue this social media presence, how long I want to continue even just having my children involved in our social media because as things continue to grow, my husband's acting career, my career, as they continue to grow, I always want to make sure that my children know that home is a safe space and people don't always have the best intentions. So it's nice to hear that from someone who is the child

of two parents who were always in the spotlight because sometimes you kind of feel like, Dan, there's no hope now because they've already been put out there. How do I reel that back in? You know, but they're still young enough where we still can kind of maneuver accordingly. And we just do it like that now with the kids. Like for example, our third son, Kez, he's not a camera person. He's never been.

He's never been wanting to be in front of the camera like that. So we just respect that and we just don't put him in front of the camera. Then we have our middle, well, he's not the middle anymore. He's our second, because I can forget I have four. Our second sunkairo, he's the, the ham. He's the performer. He's the entertaining. He's the one grabbing the camera from us to be on camera. Then I have my oldest now who's starting to get into the preteen phase. He'll be in middle school next year. So he's just like too cool for the camera, you know. So there are different phases that they're in and I always and their mom just want to make sure that they're comfortable, that they feel protected, and that they feel

like they're getting the best versions of myself and my husband. One thing that I've practiced as a self-care thing for myself, a self-care practice, I would say, with the past two years now, is just putting my phone away. I'm on my phone down. A lot of my work is done on my phone. Social media sometimes is this moment where I catch myself in that aimless scrolling, just to be scrolling. And I'm like, what am I doing with my time right now?

I can be doing so much more. And I remember my second son, Cairo, when we were living in California like two years ago. I was in the middle of posting something for work. And then he's having a conversation with me. And I'm kind of side listening, but not really listening. And I'm like, yeah, baby, yeah. And he literally was like, mommy, I'm talking to you.

You're fucked down. And he was maybe like three at the time. And he said it in his little voice, I'm talking to you. You're not talking to me, you're phone down and he was maybe like three at the time, you know, and he said it in this little voice. I'm talking to you, you're not talking to me, put your phone down. And I was like, not my three year old over here, scolding me. She's right. She's checking me. And he was absolutely right in that moment.

So I've learned to also disconnect now to the point where sometimes even our manager would like, girl, were you at? I might listen, I put my phone down. I know you're used to having instant access to me. A lot of people are used to having instant access to people, but I feel like we also need to practice moving forward and giving people space, giving that 24 hour time for return

of a caller text message, you know what I mean? Because that instant gratification life that we're living in now, or people want it now, now, now, that's not healthy. And I know it wasn't healthy for me, so I had to find a way to create that boundary. I love that. Finding and booking a doctor who's right for you

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Go to zackdoc.com slash woman evolve today and get started. We have an advice question. I have to ask you, we're almost running out of time, but I can't let you get all that easy, okay? Okay, got you. Okay, so it says, hi, I'm a part of the delegation and I have a question. I have a younger sister who is expecting a baby with her boyfriend. They recently moved in together, but have not yet gotten married.

Their relationship has been up and down, and if I'm being honest, I am not fond of her boyfriend. But as a big sister, I've tried my best to support her, especially since she's having a baby with him. I know it's not my place to tell her how to live her life because I know that she will eventually figure things out even if it's the hard way. I guess my question for you is how do I show her the love of Christ without being too overbearing? I try to show love to both her and her boyfriend because I feel it's the right thing to do. But every time I hang out with them or step foot in their apartment,

I feel like I'm doing something wrong. Are there certain boundaries I should have as far as hanging out with them? I don't know. I may be overthinking this, but I'd appreciate your advice. Okay. I think she kind of almost answered her question

in the question is that she is showing up for her sister the way that she feels like she needs to because ultimately that's her sister and they have their relationship, but it can be difficult when you start to add people into it. So, along come boyfriends or spouses or things like that. I think she should just continue to be of a support system to her sister because eventually she will figure things out. And maybe she won't, but she will also lead her sister.

And I know how close I am to my sister, my sister, and I are 10 years apart. And she does definitely lean a lot on my advice. And she comes to me for advice. So I'm wondering if her and her sister have the kind of relationship where her sister would feel comfortable coming to her. Or she can go to her sister, feel comfortable, and say, hey, sis, you know, I'm wondering if her and her sister have the kind of relationship where her sister would feel comfortable coming to her or she can go to her sister, feel comfortable and say, hey, sis, you know, I'm just wanting to tap it.

I don't want to pry. I don't want to overstep, but, you know, I just want to make sure that you're okay. So I think if she always puts her sister first and then now her pending niece or nephew since her sister's pregnant, always putting them first, by that outpour of love, at least the sister will know that she has that support. And you can't really step foot into other people's relationships because it was the other way around.

I don't necessarily have to understand my sister's relationship, but her happiness is of importance to me. So as long as her sister doesn't see in my face in sort of detrimental situation, or she's being hurt, or she's being abused. I think it's fair for her to just be at least that support system from afar and let her sister know that she has her whenever she needs her. That's so good. There's such a fine line between being someone's support system and being their controller and being in charge of their decision-making.

And a lot of times we say we're there for you, but it's as long as you're living your life according to the way that I think you should live it. The moment that you step out of those boundaries of what I think you should be doing, you no longer have my support. And that's why relationships, especially with family, can get very precarious. But when you tell someone you're there for them,

you got to mean it. Even if you make a decision, I don't agree with. Even if I don't always understand what you're doing with your life, I'm going to be there with you to pick up the pieces. And I think that would change the way we devote our loyalty to people because a lot of times our loyalty is based off of their actions.

But when you're in connection with people, the way that you are with a family member, it's supposed to be that whatever you need, I can be here for you and I can love you through everything regardless, and it sounds like you have an opportunity to demonstrate that type of love, but you will have to relinquish your need to be in control of her life so that you can be there in her life. And that's going to take some hard work for you so that she can be open and honest with whatever she needs when the time comes. No, I completely 100% agree with that. I do. I look at my sister now and it's like,

she's like my baby, you know, we're 10 years apart. So I'm like, girl, you know, the good thing is that at least I feel like we've had this open door where she can literally come to me with anything. So I respect the fact that she's making these decisions. She may come to me for advice. And you know, sometimes people come to you for advice. You give this really great advice. You package it up your advice with a bow on top and then they still do something else. You just like, why do you come to me and ask the device?

I gave you some sound, well thought out advice, and then you still do what you want to do anyway. But I've learned to also realize that people may ask and advise because they want to kind of see different options and different pictures and ultimately they're going to do what they want to do anyway. So since I'm going to sit back here you can make a decision whatever happens the outcome I'm still going to be here and I'm still going to love you and we're still

going to have our relationship intact because that's just people that's that's humans that's grow you have to respect their choices so I had a sibling who's like I wasn't agreeing with and I caught myself icing them and like, you know, like, if you don't do what I need you to do, then we not going to be talking the way that we was talking and I'm an ICU real good. And then I saw that sibling was really about to move on with their life and I was like, hold up.

What you not going to do is being this world without me. So let me get me together. Because I bet you won't. It'll never be be I ain't talking about sister in 10 years never not in this lifetime. I didn't even imagine. No. No. No. No. I actually, but you know about the I. So, okay. I think I'm gonna touch it there. So I went on a mouth and my face. Cadene, I love you. Thank you so much for this.

This has been amazing. I love you, Max. It's been such a great time. Thank you for having me. Like I said, happy women's history months. Everyone, I appreciate you even just seeing me fit to come and be a part of such great company. So I love you for that, sis. Thank you. I mean, congratulations to you

and all the amazing things you've done. I still got a dive into your book, but every time I pull up a book to reach her, I fall asleep. I need to find this in this fair. It's going to be baby steps for me. And what I need to do is just tell my husband, listen, travel vacations. I guess it's time to read some books.

And me time we get some us time. Yeah. You know, it's giving. There you go. Exactly. What is supposed to 2022? Hopefully things will be looking up where we can travel a little bit more freely. So yes, I love that I'm sending you good travel vibes.

I love that. Thank you so much, Sarah. Thank you. Thanks for having me. Bye. All right. Take care. Y'all. Bye.

Cadeen, thank you for being an even more open book for myself and the delegation. I was not expecting for us to go into the grab, but we went into the grab and I feel seen and loved and known your authenticity and being such a beautiful representation of black love has been amazing to witness. Delegation, y'all been heavy in the comments and my DM saying either you or someone you know should be my next co-host.

Let's make this thing happen. Email a one-to-tomorrow video to podcast at warmnivov.com and let us know what makes you a great co-host and what can the delegation learn from you. If co-hosting isn't your jam, but you haven't advised questions, send it to the same email atty and guess what? We got you. you