Woman Evolve with Sarah Jakes Roberts - Transparency in Sisterhood w/ Cora Jakes

Episode Date: September 20, 2023

If Woman Evolve 23 taught us anything, it’s that truth and transparency will set us free! As sisters, we stood before God and each other in our “nakedness”, witnessing the depths of another woman’s pain. After recognizing a lack of closeness, SJR and her ferocious warrior of a big sister, Cora Jakes, sit down to have an intimate conversation concerning their sisterhood relationship. Tune in as the two explain where they are right now and where they hope to land in due season! This show is sponsored by BetterHelp.com/Evolve online therapy + Zocdoc.com/WomanEvolve digital healthcare marketplace.

God can't bless you for ten to be or who you compare yourself to. He can only bless you and the lane that was created for you. I feel that for somebody. You don't need no itch, it's a tea you need boundaries. What? I don't need your lights, I don't need your validation. All I need is a God party for me that's there are things. All things, all things.

Try. First of all, I want to thank you for allowing us to take a break, as you can imagine. Pulling off the Womany Vov conference has really been something else. But we had such an amazing time. The testimonies are yet rolling in. If you were there, you know, if you don't know, listen, we're taking registration for 2024, so you can be in that space next time. One thing I want you to know is this, though, this month in celebration of the

sisterhood that emerged at Wallamanybove conference and the sisterhood that is really a part of the core conference and the sisterhood that is really a part of the core expression of Womany Ball. I have invited my sister to be on this podcast. Now for you all school podcasts listeners, you know that this is something that we used to do all of the time. We might be famous for doing a rendition of chicken head that really went viral but also not viral. So it just depends on what you mean by viral. Lately though, we have not been as close as we have always been. We have experienced life changes and adjustments that has created a bit of a divide. And in the spirit of vulnerability, healing and transparency, we sat down to have a conversation with you all watching that we haven't even had one-on-one.

I think that you will be pleasantly surprised at the way that we engage with one another, the way that we express our difference in stance, but also the hope that we have at the end. If you are just joining the Woman Evolved Podcast because you heard about it at conference, I want you to know that this is the type of conversation that make us better, that make us wiser, make us stronger. And next week, we're gonna have Dr. Love McPherson, who's gonna give us some practical tools

to help us unpack some of the things that come up today. So, get your ear plugs, maybe get a journal, you might need a tissue, call your sister, call your friend, this one's for the both of you. Not as about to have a conversation when you're ahead in real life on a podcast. This is gonna be a thing. Well, let's start off wide and easy, shall we?

I think that'll be the best way to go. Okay. Favorite memory of our sisterhood as children? Oh my gosh. Uh-huh. I probably are a 13th birthday party sleepover. Okay, wait. So you're 13th because we're not this-

Well, because my 13th, it was your 12th, my 13th. Okay, all right, I don't remember that. Tell me about it. We had a bunch of girls come over to the house and we had a sleepover upstairs. That was when Mama got really upset. And somebody at left there. Wow.

Yeah. That was, it was a weekend. Interesting. Why is that one of your favorite memories of us as sisters? I think because we just connected on a vibe of like understanding that mom was kind of over exaggerating and the girls were like really sad and you and I were like just kind of giggling at the whole thing is happening. And so I found it like we're the only ones that are getting this moment why all the other girls were like sad and felt like really embarrassed by her. We were just giggling because for us she was just doing her regular farming. Yeah, this is what she does. Yeah. Do you ever see that show up in yourself? Oh, absolutely. Yeah.

Often. Often? Oh, yeah. Do you realize it in the moment? Like I'm acting like mom? Sometimes and then other times it's after the fact. Yeah. But I think in some instances for me, I find it a good thing because like mom's very patient in her nurturing and I think like sometimes I can be very quick. And so in spaces where she comes in, I find myself more patient and that's needed. I think okay, so my favorite sisterhood memory of us. I'm trying to think as kids. I do feel like a part of my childhood,

I can't even fully access. Yeah, I say anything before 16 is, it gets blurry. Why? I'm really not sure. I think for me, 16 was like the start of what I felt was womanhood for me. And so a lot of emotionally damaging relationships happen around that time. So I think it's difficult to kind of reach for joyful moments

to take some in it for me to have to like jump back before trauma. Yeah, I think part of it definitely is trauma. I don't, I mean, I think that our childhood was, I feel like everything happened so fast. Yeah. Yeah. That it feels like a blur. For sure. And like the only thing that, like, there, nothing like a blur. For sure. And the only thing that, nothing in our lives was really normal. So there's no even routine fully to pull from.

Exactly. Everything felt like a special occasion. It's very performative. Are you there? Are you ready? Are you ready? Or are you OK? All right. When you say that, let's unpack that.

When you say performative, what do you mean by that? I think for me, performative is about always being intentional about meeting the expectations of what people want from you versus you meeting the expectations that you can reach in the moment. So I find that interesting because I actually don't I don't feel like it was performative for me, which I think is the difference between like, you know, people being raised in the same house hope and not having the same experiences. Because, you know, once I got pregnant with Kai, there wasn't much of a curtain to open for me to perform.

I think maybe that is what inadvertently put pressure on me to feel like I had to perform. Like I had to be good. I had to not make any bad decisions. I had to make sure that I stood well in the middle. Yeah, so I guess my pregnancy put pressure on you to be like the good daughter, I guess. Yeah, which is a struggle because growing up, it was like people pinned us against each other

like you were the pretty sister, you were the light skin sister, I was the dark skin, I was the cute sister. And so having to deal with what people were putting on us as well as what you were emotionally going through. I think it was just difficult. You know, we were teenagers and we didn't really... I don't think we got the help that we needed at the time.

Why did your voice have to go into that? It's a toe tip. It's a toe tip. It's a toe tip. It's a tick-tock. It's a tick-tock. It's a tick-tock. It's a tick-tock.

It's a tick-tock. It's a tick-tock. It's a tick-tock. It's a tick-tock. It's a tick-tock. It's a tick-tock. It's a tick-tock. It's a tick-tock. It's a tick-tock. It's a tick-tock. It's a tick-tock. But for me, balancing that is the reality that no one really knew what they were doing and no one really knew the cost.

And I think there's also a generational gap in just the idea of like, because I think I can see based off of what I know now, what I understand now about the difference in generations that like, one, it's not like that our parents were going to like, sentence to therapy because like that wasn't even a table for black people. Right. They weren't even like, it should have been. But, though. Yeah, no, but it wasn't though. It wasn't. And then it's like, I'm not going to stop everything I'm doing to like, cuddle you. Yeah, yeah. So like, I'm doing what I have to do. I think very much so the structure of, you know,

black families, not even prominent black families, is like, we do what we have to do. We get the job done. You suck up your feelings. You get somewhere and sit down. You stay out of the way. You don't feel like that's performative. You don't feel like your pregnancy

puts you into a space of feeling like you had to perform to be good. Okay, so like on one hand, I think in actions by actions, I know because I think after I got pregnant, I felt like I needed, I don't know, you can tell me if it's the same thing to you, maybe it's semantics,

but I feel like after I got pregnant, I felt like I needed to recover for the sake of my future, not because of who I was. As it related to being who I was, because I'm going to remind you, like you told me many times I was going to heal. But yeah, as soon as I went into right team, I was cursing everyone. Many times.

So I was like, I performed for what? I'm already there. I've made my bed in hell. I might as well invite some people in here and have some drinks because you know what I mean? I apologize for that trauma. Thank you. That was trauma for me.

I told the I was going to have, core I would wake up, you'd be praying outside my room, trying to save me from the devil's grass. It's not fun. Look where we at. Look, oh my gosh. Oh my gosh, she's able. There's no one like him. He's not fun. Look where we at, though. Oh my gosh. Oh my gosh, she's able. There's no one like him.

She's silent, saying. So I didn't really think that I could like perform. I felt like I was a lost cause. But I felt like maybe I could be successful. Maybe I could establish my life, but not like performing for the sake of who our family was. Because I was like, that's probably finished. Wow.

And I think maybe transparently that's where I feel like I am. Like what that's finished. Really? Being able to perform. Being able to be who I used to be before divorce seems so very impossible to me. And so I think that's kind of a different kind of shift for me now that I think about

it. Well, I mean, so this is probably the most awkward space in our sisterhood relationship ever. For sure. Like, the only thing, well, I mean, when you were sending me to hell, that was pretty awkward for me. So maybe I think as, no, I think that we are probably more like that season in our adulthood than we have ever been.

Only this time I'm sending you to hell. What gasoline? I know I'm just you to hell with gasoline.com. I'm just kidding. I feel bad about it. Isn't it terrible when you fill it? Being on the other end is really something. I have horrible. I said I'm sorry.

But we've definitely, I don't know, how do you explain our work? Where we are right now. Yeah. Yeah. I really think that it is a huge adjustment really for all of us, but more for us because for the last several years, it has been the same. I was one of the wives. And so having to figure out where to land, not being a wife, not being a pair,

not wanting to feel like you are imposing or jumping into someone else's marriage, it's difficult to be single here. After so many years of not being single. And so I think that we're in a major adjustment cycle where I'm trying to figure out how to not feel like the third wheel, how to not feel like I'm all alone in the boat.

And how I'll wear these hats now. You know, now I have to figure out how to be a sister in divorce, a daughter in divorce, a mom, a divorce. And there's a lot of different hats that I have to adjust right now. And it's been a long time since we've ever had to shift or adjust or change in any way in our relationship. So on one hand, I feel like what you're saying is making sense to me based off of your vantage point.

But that is not at all what I attribute our distance to. Really? Not even a little bit. Exbound. Because I never saw you as a wife like your kid. You know what I mean? Like your kid. You think I'm somebody's wife?

Like you see me as a wife? You don't see me as like your sister? I think for so long I have seen you as a wife that shifting that gear is difficult. Yeah, like I don't see you like, like that shirt to me is a child. Like seeing him with his wife makes me be like, oh my gosh, I can't believe that this child is married. Like your identity did not change

to me because you got married. And if your identity was connected to your marriage, then you could probably think that that's how everyone else saw you. And therefore, this shift, you think is harder for us than it actually is, but it's actually just hard for you. Very much so. I feel like a lot of my identity was wrapped in my marriage and I didn't realize it until it was gone. And having to get back to just being the daughter and not being Koran, Brandon,

yeah, it's a hard shift for me. And I didn't consider that you all didn't see me like that, but that's how I see you. Like, I wouldn't call because you're with your husband. You know, like, I want to be respectful of married women. You know, like as a single woman now, I am very, wanting very much so to be intentional about how I show up and show respect for marriage because I still honor and respect

marriage and the sanctity of what it is. That's interesting to me. I'm saying on your side too though. What do you mean? It's interesting to me that it's like I never saw you as a married. That's crazy. I was married for 10 years. I'm sorry. I just, I mean, like,

I knew you were a wife. Like, of course, I knew you were a wife, but it wasn't like core of the wife ever, ever. It's like, that's the girl I shared the green room with. Like, that's the girl I rollerbladed with. Like, that's the girl who we sat up and watched HBO after dark with. Disrespectful. Okay, turn it down. You made it muted. Like, when I got my tonsils taken out,

like, that's, I only see you as my sister. That's wild. I only see you as my sister. That's where the friction is. Well, I'm over here, like, trying to get back to sister. Because like even when we like when we were both married, like, we didn't respect each other. It's like it wasn't like, oh my gosh she's with it. Like I will FaceTime you middle of the night. You be doing your hair. Like it wasn't like oh my god, sister, somebody's wife now. I got to respect that. Ever. That's my sister.

that. Ever. That's my sister. I like mind blown right now having a breakthrough moment. I will tell you that like I so that's why I don't attribute that to our distance at all. Like when you were no longer married like you were no less my sister and if I didn't have any like that had nothing to do with me. Yeah, no, I don't think that it was even that. It's a mental thing for me having to figure out, okay, how do they see me now? Oh, nothing changed like about your category in my life. I wish I had a really good analogy, but this is a bad analogy, but I'm gonna try it anyway. But you remember what the old McDonald's buildings

used to look like, were the full orangees and all that stuff, and then they got modern and fancy? But like, as long as them chicken nuggets was there, like, that was still McDonald's. Like, to me, you're married, you're children, you're career beautiful, but like, they're just like updates. But I came for the chicken nuggets. beautiful, but like they're just like updates, but I came for the chicken nuggets.

That makes me emotional. Really? I would like to move on. Well, we can't do that. Yeah, I think it'd be good. Okay. Next topic. Yeah, I'm here for the chicken nuggets and the sweet and sour sauce. Like nothing like that, like that, I don't care. That is hugeer than huge because I think that when you go through the type of trauma that I'm going through, it is very easy to make everyone distant from you. Yeah. In a way to both protect yourself, not trusting yourself anymore, not trusting your decisions anymore, but also in a way of major protection because I was telling my therapist,

like I know that I'm going to land. I just don't know how I'm going to land. So right now I'm just up in the air and I think I've spent so much time protecting everybody and taking care of everybody and making sure everybody's good. That now I'm out here needing help and needing people to check on me.

And it's like weird for me. Because when we do check on you, you don't, you tell us. Because it's like, it's a lot going on in the process of this that I am just not aware of, you know. So, to me, that's what I attribute the distance to. It has nothing to do with the marriage. You know, for me, I feel like our distance is a result of the decision making connected with how you are confronting or soothing the pain of everything shifting. And I'm torn because I'm going to Dr. Love McPherson's coming

and I'm going to end up talking to her about this too, not like about it in the context of us. But like I am convicted about making sure that I don't judge your process and like that I don't make you heal at my pace. But also wanting to respect the fact that like, you know, whatever choices or decisions you make in this process, I have to give you space to make those and also not be hurt by them, which I think for me then becomes like avoidance. Yeah, and see, I'm slowly shifting because that's how I started with avoidance. And so I've only been in trauma treatment for seven months now.

And so it started off with major denial, major avoidance, major just, I don't really want this to be my life. And now I'm moving into a recovery space, moving into a better space where I stop blaming my trust and my instinct and I start blaming the person that did it. And so I think like for me, it's hard to bring people that you admire, respect and love so much into a space that is out of control for you. And I think that's where I am. And you know what's,

because just because it is hard for you, it doesn't mean that I don't know, I wanna say this the right way. It's like, it may be hard for you to invite me into that space, but I just want you to remember that you lived in that space with me. You don't remember when we went to karaoke when in my first marriage, we went to karaoke

and I was taking shots that ever clear, back to back. It's a really bad idea. And then started throwing up in the car. Very badly. Yes, had to pull over. It was terrible. It was really bad. But you remember all of the other things

that were happening in my life at that time, down to every thing. Ever clear necessary. Ever clear what I needed to be. Ever clear. I needed to be less clear. So I had ever clear necessary ever clear what I needed to be I needed to be less clear So I had the clear was too much I don't want to be ever clear I wanted to be less clear and so I don't see My life now my progression as anything other than like it's the same chicken nuggets with a different experience. Yeah. And so when you talk about not being a part of your mess, to me, that's like,

we got grounded together. Like, we've always been in each other's mess. Like we've never not been in each other's mess ever. It's the I think it is the gravity of the mess. But it's but but the great for well and I cannot and you know I cannot inject myself now into your process nor can I devalodate your experience and validate your experience. So if you feel like the gravity of it is a lot, that is your perspective, and you're a prerogative, and I can respect that. I would like to offer something for you to consider. And that is that there are some people who want to be in the gravity with you. There are some people who want to get their hands dirty

with you. There are some people who believe so fully in your ability to overcome, to rise, to heal and be whole, that they wanna see it from the beginning. So as low as it can get even better, cause I know so much about who you are, not who you have been, not who you could be,

but like who you are at your core, but I want to serve you in that process in the same way you serve me. I want to reciprocate. Even outside of traumas that we have experienced, emotional traumas, when I got my tonsils taken out, I wasn't like, oh my gosh, core. I don't want you having to worry about the kids.

Core don't worry about my medicine, I'll take care of it. Like you stayed extended your trip because at the end of the day, if you're in it, I'm in it with you. And I think the saddest part of this state of our lives right now is like not being able to be in it with you, or you wanting to protect this from what that looks like for you, while also watching you and by other people in,

who maybe don't have the longevity or the ties. I don't know. I'm torn between, if you're getting what you need, that's all that matters, but if what you're getting the ties, I don't know. Like I, I'm torn between like, if you're getting what you need, that's all that matters. But if what you're getting is unhealthy, that concerns me. And yet you're a grown woman.

And I can't make things be any different than they are. I understand that. I, like I said, mind-blowing revelations happening all around. I think, again, for me, it's just the steps to recovery. And trying to have some control over something has been kind of my default, my glitch as it were, because when something like this happens, you lose all control. Like, I feel like everything that I had a hold of is yanked from me. And so it's difficult to surrender

into the unknown. And so having to fight back to a place of faith where I can fully receive the fullness of everyone, not just you all, but everyone that is wanting to be a part of the process. It's something that I'm definitely fighting to get to. It's a lot of hats. It's a lot of hats. It's a lot of different roles.

My therapist said, it's like you're trying to get an apple from a fig tree. And God can do anything, but it's going to take God. And so I am fighting to get to a place of feeling worthy enough to let the people that want to walk with me, walk with me. Raise your hand if you follow health experts on TikTok. They are all talking about supplements your money can buy or have embraced the latest weight lost praise. Sis, you're listening to all these beauty experts and health obsessed folks, but when

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The quality of care you deserve is just a click away. Go to zapdoc.com slash woman evolve and download the zapdoc app for free. Then find and book a top rated doctor today that's zoc.com slash woman evolve. Again, zapdoc.com slash womancom-womenevolve. Again, zap.com-womenevolve. Tell them we sent you. If you were me, what advice would you give

to now hold on? Okay. Family, if you finish the question. Hahaha. What advice would you give me for how to best serve you in this season of your life? Um, I think that we are in major uncharted territory. that we are in major uncharted territory. And I think that the best thing that you need right now is just an understanding ear that, you know, I'm going to run into some walls,

I'm going to run into some fires because I'm in a battlefield. It's not like I don't need anything, I just need understanding that this is, this is a devastating blow that I have to repeat and still don't have justice and closure on yet. So even mentally and emotionally, it still feels like it's happening over and over and over again until I get the closure, the justice or lack thereof in the courtroom. And so just kind of understanding like how hard this can be,

how emotionally traumatic and difficult this can be and just patience. Do you think that attempts at understanding, do you in your head say even when we're trying to understand, do you say, but no one really understands? There was a time, yes, but I feel like people can understand your pain without understanding what caused it. And so that I think that's what I need more than anything. Not really that people would understand the trauma because it's hard to understand. This is like I

said, our family's never gone through anything like this before. And so I think in an effort to get to a place of understanding, it is going to take me mentally saying like, okay, they can understand your pain without understanding what caused it. They can understand, you know understand that you are hurting, but maybe not understand the level and the gravity of that hurt, but I don't try to sabotage understanding.

You better. Yeah. Okay, so on a scale one to 10, with one being BFFs talk every day, and 10 being I never wanna see your face again. Where would you? Wow. Where would you? It's very heavy.

Where would you put our relationship on a scale right now? I'd say like a three, a three. Really? Yeah, three or four. I wouldn't go any higher than that. Interesting. Because what is your score? Cory, you know, you know, it's not a 10.

No, it's not a 10. I'll tell you that, it's not a 10. And you have to consider, we in talk every day before this. Okay, but we didn't talk every day before this. Okay. But we didn't talk every day before this, but we were connected. Right, that's what I'm saying. So a little bit of a low signal,

and an off signal, it's just a low signal. Excuse me. Okay. We still connected the signal. Can you get on my scale for a minute? Please, thank you. You know, Cora, you know, maybe because this is what,

this is the difference between our perspectives. Is I think that you know how you feel about me. And, and you are consumed in your survival as you should be. I'm not judging that. You are consumed in your experience and survival. So though our closeness is not like big in your eyes, it's also, it's just out of your focus right now. Our relationship is not in your egosphere right now

because you are rightfully focused on your healing, on your numbing, you know what I mean? Like you're trying to cope. Whereas because my life is a little bit more clear right now besides, you know, like stresses of other things, but I'm not actively working through a trauma right now. So for me, the distance is more pronounced.

That makes sense. So I was in the distance is more pronounced. That makes sense. So I was in the 67 land. Wow, that sucks. But I could see that from your perspective. Mm-hmm. Yeah. It's not, it's not that it is not important to me. I don't, I don't think it's not that it is not important to me.

I don't think it's not important. Or in my stratosphere, so to speak. Again, I think it is going back to trusting my relationships again, because that portion has been traumatized the most. Because that portion has been traumatized the most. And I... That makes sense. But can I ask you a clarifying question? Yes. So when you say that portion has been traumatized the most,

like, it's difficult for you to trust relationships because you experienced a major betrayal in the area of relationships. Okay. Absolutely. So, okay. but you have space for relationships. Why do other relationships feel more safe than these relationships? Because there's a dependency there? Well, that, but also relationships that I expect could hurt me are a lot easier for me to manage them relationships

that I know are not going to leave me. Okay, whoa. So you're telling me that it is easier for you to be in relationship with people where some expectation of disappointment is normal than to be in relationship with someone where the idea of disappointment could be catastrophic. Got your mouth?

For sure. Because again, it goes back to having to build up a space in me that feels worthy enough for healthy relationships for and to trust that health. Like if you've been in something for the last 10 years and you thought, like this is the healthiest relationship I've ever been in. What?

And so now I have to say. Yeah, what does, okay, so, okay, that's not healthy, but I had that for 10 years. This is healthy. I thought that was healthy though. And so I have to reprogram the way I trust love. It sucks because I am a lover at heart, a giver at heart, and I I feel like he took that as well. So I'm working on that. To get that trust back.

That, you know what I mean? Yeah, major. You know what I mean? Yeah. See, this is my problem is like, I don't know, I can't appropriately respond to what you say because we got cameras here, but you know what it is all day 24, 7.

Yeah. But I appreciate you telling me, giving me perspective on that. Yeah, it sucks. Or it was sucks. That's all I think. Yeah, not sucks. Or it was sex. That's the whole thing. Yeah, not the whole thing. The whole thing is right now.

Yeah, in this moment. Yeah. That is your truth. It's not cool, man. It's just, it's not cool. And I still don't know everything. And so having to prep for that too, you're going to hear things you've never heard before.

You're going to hear testimony you've never heard before. You're going to hear him defend. Like there's a lot of, I'm like, this is sucks, man. So, I think that when I take the time to really consider what you're up against, that's why I like, you know, sometimes I'm like, listen, if that situation is helping her, if this is, you know, serving her in some way, though I may not agree with it, though I would make a different choice, you know, at the end of the day, she's an adult, and that's what she needs.

And if you look at everything she's gone through, it's not as easy as, you know, things being black or white. And I say, you know what, that's not my business. I think that I can come to that place of compassion and empathy. And I get there when I take the time to not react emotionally to like my experience

of being rejected by you. But it is hard to be like with them rejected, advice rejected, presence rejected, and to stay present and open enough to experience rejection again. And so I think for me it's just kind of like, keep enough distance that when you get pushed away, it doesn't feel like you got pushed off a cliff.

And see, for me, it's not rejection, it's receiving while also having to push that wisdom and that advice through all of the traffic going on in my brain already. And so that's why I say it like I'm in a space of having to relearn how to receive trust again, how to receive healthy love again. And it is easier right now for me

to both focus on the healing portion for me, but also manage things that I can help and that I can control while trying to deal with the things that I can. No, it's more than a full-time job. I think that from the outside looking in, and when I step out of the situation, if you were anyone else's sister,

I think that it's totally reasonable what you're saying. I think it's just hard for me to understand. I guess to not play a role, to play a role that can be flexible, like those are all things that I'm having to acquire to best serve you at this time. And I'm doing what I can. You know what I mean? Like, I make sure you're invited to the things. You know, like I make sure I check in on you.

We're still sending memes. It's not like we're art. It's not like dry city. You know what I mean, but there's just like this, you know elephant if of a divide between us. Yeah, I think like I said I think it's just this this is the elephant, you know

um and I don't want to just look around it. I don't want to just look around it. I don't want to overlook it, but I really want to be very engaged in killing this elephant. So it does not come back again to haunt me later on.

And I hear and take in everything you all are saying while I also have a lot of traffic in my brain. That makes sense. But I'm here. I am present. I am fighting. I am present. I am fighting. I am doing the work. I am challenging myself every day.

Some days are harder than others. Some days more depressing than others. But I'm a lot better than I was seven months ago, for sure. And I don't want our relationship to feel like another place where you have to perform, another place where you have pressure. And so like I'm constantly trying to like bite my tongue, relearn, readjust, make space. And I can imagine that I'm not always very good at that. Guess I'm not.

Um. Hahaha. Guess I was spot on with that. We're both a just guess I was spot on with that. We're both a just thing in relearning. I mean, you know, um, yeah, I don't know. Where do you think this is going to land? I hope it lands for justice for a Mari.

I hope that it lands on a new way of communication for just our family in general. I think that in the past we have handled trauma by just kind of pushing through and keep on going and it's gonna be all right. And I think that this trauma is kind of forcing our family into different roles than what we're used to.

And it's a bummer because Really enjoyed my role for the last 10 years. What do you think you're all of us? I Kind of saw myself as a pillar of a faith and power and Strength for the family kind of middle child syndrome worthy. A good balance between funny and wise and loud and to myself. I felt like I was I was joy. I was I was happier. I really think I need to go back to therapy more consistently because I must be trapped. Maybe I'm trapped in my childhood. I didn't see you as any of those things.

A pillar you're a child. How can you be a pillar? You are you're my you're my sister. we go to McDonald's, we stay up. Like, what is this? So what is this pillar? What is this strident? What is this? You really thought we grew up. Yeah.

You really thought we grew up. I think I'm trapped in my childhood. I see therapy every week. Yeah, no, me too, but I'm saying I need to up the ante because like, you know, I'm like, yeah, we're all basically playing dress up. But at the end of the day, when I'm with my siblings, we're kids.

Seriously. I have to get that back. When I, like, you felt, no, but you said you felt like a pillar before this. You never, yeah. I felt like, yeah. But for all intents purposes, I feel like we are all pillars in some way. You know, like we all have our different roles of strength and power in the family.

And I think like this has just, it's really just damaged the way that I see me in us. And so having to remember who I was before, I got married so I can get back to Cora and whoever that's going to be. But yeah, at the time, I definitely felt like I was definitely praying for the family, keeping the family laughing and happy. And, um, no, you were, I will say this or some joy, but you threw me on pillar. I've straddled pillar. I'm the pillar of joy. You are a pillar of joy. You are a pillar of healing.

You are a pillar of healing. You're right. You're a pillar of healing. And to protect our family, not for our family. Oh, for the world. Hallelujah. It is for the world, it is for us. You think so?

You think I'm a pillar of healing. I do believe that you are a descendant. There's something wrong with my mind. You think I'm a pillar of power. I feel like you are definitely a pillar of cohesiveness for the family. Shut your mouth. Yeah, I do.

Amen. It's like you're the call center. Core, I am the call center, but I don't understand why, but I am the call center. I would agree with you on that. That's what I'm saying. So I just had to figure out like, okay,

so I'm not married now. But you're okay, so it is my role. I mean, take your time, do your process, do your healing, but like your joy, I guess being married was a part of your joy, so it's difficult for you to be a pillar of joy when you don't have that joy in your life anymore. The marriage, yeah, but more so, a lot of anger

is keeping me from the joy. And so I'm having to get back to Cora, because I'm really strong and bring on right now. I'm very angry and upset about having to fight this man In court. I just it's angry. Yeah, and so it's difficult Though like I said, I have great moments of joy and I I love doing my one-on-ones and being able to help people in that way, but there is In balance

until I see justice that Is prevalent. Yeah, I guess I'm gonna be praying that Your justice is not wrapped up in a verdict. It can't be Dr. T. R. D. I know. Well, you just told me that you wanted to be. That's what we have to work on. That's just she saying over the next couple of months. Yeah.

Because I had to decide what the verdict is without them. Yeah, because I mean, the criminal justice system is a fraud. I mean, not always some people, right? But it's a little bit of a fraud, you know what I mean? And like some people are in systems who shouldn't be in systems. Some people are not in the system. Some people are there because it's like it's just a fraud. And if your peace and your recovery is wrapped up in this moment,

then it can always be undermined. Yeah. is wrapped up in this moment, then it can always be undermined. Yeah. I think for me, it's just wanting the closure for all of us so that we can move forward. So that won't be hanging over our head. Whatever the verdict is gonna be, is of no consequence to me. I just wanted to be done.

Yeah. So that we can move forward. It feels like the trial is blocking me from being triumphant. Well, I guess when we get on the other trial, we'll see if that's true. This is true. I will say that there is no one else in the world who will, they're probably three other people outside of us in the world who know what it means to have sugar spaghetti, to have frozen, to have frozen spaghetti. We're dessert spaghetti, to have greens and chitlins frozen and unthought for holidays.

It's respect. They have tank top t-shirts. So my fashion show. Yes. With items. Which should be. I don't know what you're saying. And I can first.

I change confirm or tonight that. You know, what a kaboosie is. And you know, what it means to to sneak out even though there's a full Kitchen full of food to go to McDonald's to stay up all night like at the end of the day I shared my childhood with you and I think as a sister I'm learning to share womanhood with you and That is a class that is always in session. And one that I don't always excel in or ace,

but one that I am committed to re-enrolling in, even if I drop out and re-enroll or, you know. You know. OK. You know what I'm saying? Yes. Are you tracking with me? Yes.

What I'm saying is the classroom of sisterhood. We're always in. Yes. Even if we aren't doing well. Well, you are always better at school than me. Well, we're not talking about school. The school of life. That part, which I haven't been great at.

Can you say it? Can you say it? Remember, you sent me the hell. I mean like the GED program of School of Life. What? I'm in the GED program, which means I'm still trying, but I did not get the diploma. You were not. Little bit.

You're not. Little bit. Let the storytell itself from the beginning, flunk, flunk, flunk, and then look at God, what a GED program. Here I am. Certified. I don't like it.

Tell me what I'm telling you. Thank you for your time. Thank you for having me. Well, I bet you didn't expect that. I am actually really glad that we took the time to unpack and unfold and undeliver and untalk and un-speak. We did a lot of unning so that we can do a lot of joy. Childless and relationships are tough

sisterhoods even more delicate because there is a lot of unning and a lot of ring and a lot of learning and growing but when you have two people committed to figuring it out there's a lot of evolving that can take place as well. I hope that this episode helps you and the women you are in relationship with to create more grace and more space for one another and like I said next week, Dr. Love McPherson's gonna give us some practical tips and tools on how to constantly honor our sisters

no matter what we are facing. Send me a line, let me know what you thought about this. I'll check in with you next week. you you