Wonderful! - Ep. 30: Heart Virgins

Episode Date: August 2, 2016

The finale for JoJo's season of The Bachelorette has come and gone, leaving one suitor the victor, and the other a jilted Heart Virgin. Join us for a straight-up exhausted unpacking of last night's episode, and BRACE YOURSELF because HOLY SHIT, Bachelor in Paradise starts TONIGHT. MaxFunDrive ends on March 29, 2024! Support our show now by becoming a member at maximumfun.org/join.

Maybe you should go and do some contemplating. Right reasons, right reasons, being a good girl for all the right reasons. Right reasons, right reasons, being a good girl for all the right reasons. I'm the best rat and I'm rapping to your poolside. Here to find true love, one man's heart. Hi, this is Rachel McElroy. Love lifts us up where we belong. I'm feeling it, baby.

The dream is alive. You are a remarkable actor. It's here, baby. It's love day. This whole time I have to be so reserved, but here on Bachelor or Bachelorette finale day, I can finally celebrate my love for you, Rachel. It's alive, and now I have the example to follow.

I love you. Do you want to introduce yourself? I'm Griffin McElroy. And this is Rose Buddies. It's a Bachelor, Bachelorette, Bachelor in Paradise podcast. It is just that. I said Bachelorette. I let it slide.

And that's why I love you. Love the sauce up where we belong. We just watched a fucking four and a half day long finale. It was like roots. In a lot of ways that we probably shouldn't get into. It was such a fucking slog through the desert, but the desert was also a swamp. It was so rough and tumble. I didn't even watch half the fucking thing.

Yeah. It was a hard watch. And I know you're saying, Griffin, you do a Bachelorette podcast. And I say to you in response to that, friends? Yeah, Griffin, hey, what'd you cook tonight? Oh, what did i make first of all i'm on this baking kick because i've been watching paul hollywood i'm following him following in his footsteps because the war there's one pair of footsteps that's where paul hollywood

carried me on the beach and he fed me scones um i've started baking so i baked all my friends and you uh soft pretzels and i don't want to brag or anything but they were completely fucking baller you remember last week where i said that one of my love languages was soft pretzels. And I don't want to brag or anything, but they were completely fucking baller. You remember last week where I said that one of my love languages was soft pretzels? Yeah, well let's just say I speak that shit. Griffin Parley-Vous pretzels.

What else did I make for everybody, though? Because you can't make a dinner out of soft pretzels. Yeah, that's not a dinner. You gotta have a protein. How about some Jagerschnitzel? Oh my gosh. Let me check the waves on that let me just sound waves i'm looking at the sound waves now schnitzel oh that's so unpleasant i made jaeger schnitzel for all my friends do you want to say what that is it's like a schnitzel with like a like a mushroom and onion gravy on top of it it's like a breaded pork cutlet it's fucking amazing yeah i made that and it took a very very

long time to prepare it and so i skipped i would say the boring part of the episode but then i came in and it was still the boring part of the episode finale yeah so i'll i'll tell you what happened and then you can i was following along you can have those fresh reactions we also had like 14 people at our house tonight it was very very woke very very lit yeah we had two friends arrive in evening gowns, which I really appreciated. Thank you to Anna and Nicole. You really made the evening special. Thanks to Steffi, too, who made a peach cobbler that was out of this fucking world. With homemade blueberry ice cream.

It was unbelievable. So much love went into the preparation of the feast tonight. It's a big night. Anyway, let's dive right into it. Tell me what happened in this love parade and also love school it was a it was part parade part school love school oh baby you gotta warn me when you're gonna sing so i can come in and harmonize with you you gotta be ready okay there's only two words to that song i know it's true That was the kinks. Seminal, but very, very short hit. Love school.

No, I was thinking of surf school. Wasn't that like a trailer we saw at one point? Probably. Hey, what happened on The Bachelorette tonight? It's a three-hour long fucking movie. Oh, should we hurry maybe because there's three hours of material to cover? I honest to God, I'm going to go ahead and go out on a limb. We'll be done in 45 minutes because I don't think there's that much to talk about.

Griffin, you always say that. All right. Let's get into it talk about. You always say that. We start out. JoJo's family has come to Thailand to meet her two remaining suitors. Run down on the family again. The mom, so dope. Slammed that bottle of wine last season.

Mom, dad, brothers, and sister. Sister did not get a lot of screen time. The brothers were the brothers who were very protective to the point of... The brothers did not get as much screen time as I was anticipating either. They didn't get rowdy, did they? I know, because they went hard on Ben,

and I thought, oh, this is going to be good. And not much of anything. Well, if it had been anything, we would have known about it fucking six episodes ago yeah they they must have learned their lesson from that first foray into television yeah um so jojo tells the family that she is in love with both uh jordan and robbie but that they don't know it yet to this point she's also not told those boys that she's in love with them. Going against what Benjamin did in the last season, breaking her heart.

So Jordan's up first and meets the fam. Tells the fam that he was a skeptic, but that he's really come to care for JoJo. Mom thinks that he came across as genuine. That's a first. He said that, yeah. Then Jordan brings gifts, which are just silly hats. Oh, man, I'd miss that. I'm glad.

Some of the stuff I'm kind of glad I missed. He said something like, oh, his family has fun, and this is like a way to kind of break the tension. So he brought everybody a funny hat to wear at the table. What were they like? Can you describe these funny-ass hats to me? I mean— Did one of them have, like, boobs on it or something?

No. No. Was it, like, Jamiroquai? There was, like, a black cowboy hat that said Thailand on it that he gave it to JoJo's dad. And then JoJo's mom got, like like a pink and white floppy hat. I mean, it wasn't like laugh out loud funny. It was sort of a thinker then. Yeah.

You know Jordan. He's an intellectual. Yeah, sure. And so Jordan tells us that it's been six years since he's met a girl's family um and then he sits down with the mom and the mom says jojo has trust issues um will you promise not to break her heart and uh jordan promises and i sub him and then the mom tells us that he seems like kind of a playboy. Well, is that just based on his looks?

Because that's racism. Well, so he's very likable. And when the mom's talking to Jojo, she's like, I'm worried you're too much alike. And Jojo's like, who doesn't like Jordan? And mom's like, that's the problem like who doesn't like jordan and mom's like that's the problem who doesn't like jordan like he's a lot of people in the rose buddies facebook group do not like jordan just based on sort of the reaction thread tonight yeah so the mom thinks he's too slick he's too polished he's like too smooth by the time time the proper two-hour episode ended, there were like 2,000 comments on the live discussion thread.

I heard that. And most of them were just like, About both guys or just Jordan? I think both guys. I think it was kind of a crop of stinkers here at the end, huh? Yeah. Yeah, well, the guys seemed very polished, you know? Like, not polished in, like,

they're naturally polished dudes, but, like, polished in that they knew the formula, they knew how this was supposed to work, they understood what the game was, and they were playing it. I would argue that one of them was polished and the others were Michael Keaton multiplicity slime clones.

Of that one. Identikit. Yeah. So the family doesn't seem like anti-Jordan, but they don't seem excited about him. And so Jordan sits down with the dad, but he doesn't ask the dad for permission to marry Jojo. This is fucking unprecedented.

Which becomes a big, big deal. I'm surprised that this wasn't like a bigger deal before this episode happened. Because that's like, seriously, that don't happen. Yeah, so I mean, this will come up again later so I don't want to spend too much time on it. But there are a lot of reasons

that a person could say I didn't ask for your dad's permission. Reasons like, I've known you six fucking weeks. And also reasons like, you're an adult woman, and I know that you don't require your father to agree to this union. That ain't how this show operates, though. I know. But I mean, it's a valid reason that somebody someday on this show could give. Oh, crabsolutely, but not now.

Not this time. Yeah. I'm as progressive vis-a-vis that subject as it comes, but it's literally not happened in the show. It hasn't happened in the show. Yeah. And the thing that surprised me, and we mentioned this earlier, the brothers never get their hands on Jordan. I thought for sure. They don't get their hands dirty.

They would spend a lot of time really leaning on Jordan because they leaned on Ben so hard. And Ben was like as white bread as they come. When they came at Ben, if memory serves, it's because they write a lot of stuff in the Bloids. And they wanted to hit him up about this Bloid fodder. And God knows there's plenty of stuff about... Jordan, yeah. Joro in the bloids. I don't know. I mean, they probably did sit down with him,

but it must not have been meaty content because it did not get shown. And then it's Robbie's turn. How'd that go? So Robbie shows up. Robbie has really leaned hard, and I think the producers have kind of embraced this robbie is the candidate who will tell you everything you could possibly hear from

somebody um that supposedly is in love with you after two months like he he checks all the boxes he covers all his bases to the point where like if you've gone through and checked everything that a person who has made it to the final two has said in the history of this show, he throws a lot of love spaghetti at the wall. Yeah. So he tells us, the viewer, before he's even out of his little vehicle, that he's excited to ask for her father's blessing, that he's been thinking about this the whole time since he fell in love with her. So already a strong contrast to Jordan. So Robbie shows up, meets the family. The family has heard about his entrance, which I had forgotten, but he's the one that showed up with the wine bottle that they both took swigs directly out of the bottle from.

That's fine luke came up on a unicorn i know but remember how it was kind of a play on how they do things in the fletcher house because her mom was a big wine bottle drinker yeah i mean that was fun i mean if you diss the mom to the face like as soon as you meet her that's like a totally sick move i like that a lot that's not a diss though that's like that's one of the best things i've ever seen on a reality show before because it's so fucking real and good yeah so the mom tells us that she thinks that he's a gentleman um and he tells the story about when they were on the cliff together, and that later that night, he decided to say that he loved her. What?

I don't remember a cliff. They were, they jumped off the cliff together. You remember? They were both standing on this cliff. We were like, this looks really dangerous. They both jump off.

Nope. I'm sorry, Robert. Robert, I'm sorry, my boy. I don't remember your beautiful story, my friend. Did they go on?

No. Did they go on the choose your own adventure date? That might go down as the only date I remember from this season because it was the most ill conceived of the dates. I think that might have been Shaz, actually. Yeah, I think that was Chase. You're right. That was Chase.

That was before the Shaz transformation happened. So, so yeah, so he tells the story. He's very open. Like, hey, I told her I was in love Shah's transformation happened. So, yeah, so he tells the story. He's very open, like, hey, I told her I was in love with her really early. And Jojo's like, yeah, he's always been really honest with me. And then after he's done meeting the family, the brothers say that, oh, Robbie's a great guy. The whole family is kind of like Robbie seems more more ready you know to to get married to take that next step um and the brothers make the point because joe's just like well but i love both of them you know with jordan it's really fun and then one of the brothers says you're not picking

someone to be your new year's eve date which i thought was kind of a nice sick burn you know yeah kind of a nice burn on your family members trying to decide who to marry um i dialed in for like the summary of the family of the two and everybody was so like um transparently pro robbie and anti Jordan, um, talking about how Jordan just didn't seem like he was ready to commit. And Robbie was obviously like totally ready to commit, which yes, that has been sort of the thing of the whole season.

Well, I'm part of that. And I, and I left this out a moment ago. So Robbie does ask Dr. Fletcher's permission. Yeah. Um,

and says, you're, you know, your daughter will be my number one priority. She's the biggest thing in my life. And asks for permission. And after it's over, the dad gets really emotional and cries a little bit and tells Jojo that was a really special moment for me. So, yeah, everybody's like, oh, it's not that we me yeah so so yeah everybody's like oh it's

not that we don't like jordan uh it's just that robbie's more husband material and that but they they do let her know like jordan just doesn't seem like he's ready well and this is when jojo finds out that jordan didn't ask permission right and jojo gets very upset and says okay well it sounds like all of you are a no for Jordan and a yes for Robbie. And everybody simultaneously goes, no, no, no, no, no, no. Way to fucking stick to your guns, Fletcher fam. Well, because JoJo starts to get really upset.

Like, you can tell that she's just, like, devastated. And in that moment, if you don't know who's going to win the fucking show. I know. Everybody in her family is like jordan's not the right one robbie's way way more into you oh ah beans okay then yes jordan oh good yeah she's like oh but if i picked robbie then i would always wonder what would have happened with jordan and if i picked jordan then you know i would always i would always wonder if i should have made the other that's actually not how the comparison went the comparison went if i pick robbie uh i'll always wonder what it could have been like with jordan and if i pick jordan and it goes bad then i'll always worry what happened what did she say and it goes bad? Wow. So it's like, then like that sort of the language that you just use sort of intimates that you think by default it's going to go good with Jordan. Yeah.

And then you're going to be so much more. I mean, we all knew this, right? Like Robbie caught everybody off guard. Except I didn't. caught everybody off guard. Except I didn't, because Jordan Rodgers, it's just, it's beyond belief that Joro would

go on this show show to not be the next Bachelor. With JoJo? With JoJo. It's just, I can't believe it. And I, you know what, I'll be the first to say, like, you know, I was wrong, I was into it by the end of it but like

i just i'm just i'm flabbergasted how it happened maybe you were wrong about jordan i think i was wrong about jordan and jojo to be fair but anyway let's get to that i will say the one fun thing too about jojo's dad is that his name is joe the one fun thing too about jojo's dad is that his name is joe oh so father just just to recap father is named joe daughter is named joelle jojo for short which must have been like confusing in their household because if they said jojo's name with a slight pause in there yeah right like hey joe joe joe is there one with three joes i don't know his name jojo joe uh okay so that's the end of the family meeting um and now we're back on a beach in thailand and jojo is meeting robbie for their last one-on-one

date. And they're just going to have a beach day. I'm so tired, baby. I know, I can tell. I really need you to spark up. I'm trying, it's just the show went so long. Chris Harrison, why'd you make this show go three hours? You can't blame Chris Harrison, he's hardly in it.

He was in it a lot tonight because of the final rose. He was in it a lot tonight. He was. The final rose. He was. I should mention on this last episode, they're airing it simultaneously with a live studio audience in like a theater. And so after every key moment, they'll cut back to Chris Harrison and he'll be like, wow. Wow. And then sometimes the audience will clap.

I think the reason I'm so tired and drained is I know that there's an episode of Bachelor in Paradise tomorrow. I know. And in a 25-hour long span, we will spend five of those hours watching Bachelor products. Oh, is Bachelor in Paradise two hours? It's gotta be. There's no way it's just relegated to one.

We're lucky if it's not fucking three chris harrison knows he can do it oh my gosh i'm looking at rachel like we both have a look of just complete exhaustion on our faces you know what it reminds me of solitary except our solitary prison is just watching a reality show and they just keep making it longer and we just keep agreeing to it with like i mean that's the thing if they said next week an eight hour long episode like you and i would look at each other with grim determination and say like okay eight hours i guess i could call in sick i'll get some diapers when you like that that would take a lot of soft pretzels man oh my god anyway date time anyway robbie time um i'm trying to think of anything notable nothing dude that's what i'm saying oh

they're okay so here there's a. So they're on the beach together. And Jojo wants to hear about what he thinks their life together is going to be like. And this is when Robbie goes into this incredibly detailed description. But detailed in a way that it's like not even cute anymore. Because he starts out and he's like, I see us just sitting on the most comfortable living room sofa. And then he goes on to... That sounds, so far, that's 100% A-plus from Griffin McElroy. That sounds dope. And then he goes on to describe, you know, that they're making dinner.

And it's specifically, it's meatloaf. And there's kids. He couldn't have picked a more boring, like, shitty meal. And specifically the type of white wine that they're drinking. And then he references what he calls a bonus room that'll be like off the kitchen. What is this playhouse that he's designed? It's just, it's kind of detailed in a way

that I think he thought would maybe be cute, but it just, it becomes uncomfortable to listen to. I want to get loaded drunk on white wine. I want to cook a meatloaf bad. I want to sit on my fancy couch in our bonus room that I had built for all my action figures to go in. Wait, now who are we describing? Robert Robinson. You think he has action figures? I think he has lots of them.

Yeah. I don't think he has any interests or hobbies. I think he has the matte texture of a G.I. Joe man, but an older one from the 50s. Not like one of the A1s from the 80s. Somebody in the Rosebuddies groups said that he reminded them of the Ken doll in Toy Story, which I appreciated. I thought that was a pretty apt comparison. I think he's a handsome dude, but I think his hair looks like it could just snap off.

And he's got perfectly featureless skin. And I think a lot of people like that. Remember all those weeks ago when we were looking at his bio and I got so excited because his favorite flower was honeysuckle? I kind of remember that. Like, fuck, dude. The premiere of this show, and I remember being so excited about some of these boys, and Robbie was one of them.

Yeah, he was a sweet snowflake. Funny little snowflake of a man. By the way, do you know when this season premiered three years ago guess is guess genuinely the date um i mean okay let me think may yeah it was may yeah it's unimaginable that it didn't start in at least febru You mean Wanuary? Wanuary. Wanuary 14th Valentine's Day. Oh, God. What would we do if it

was on Valentine's Day? We would stay home and we would watch it. Yep. What if it's on Christmas, homie? What if it's the day that our child is born into this world? Yeah. It's just you.

It'll be on in the delivery room. I'll be furiously taking notes. Okay. So Jojo says, I trust you so much to Robbie. And the phrasing of I trust you so much, we. The phrasing of I trust you so much we all thought was kind of funny. It's very good. Not like I'm crazy about you or I love being with you, but specifically if I had an envelope full of cash

and I needed someone to deposit it at the bank, I would give you that envelope of cash. You're like the meteorologist at the one local news station whose forecast I believe above all others um and so then they go to his hotel room which is kind of the evening portion of the date uh and robbie goad gives another big speech about i love you i don't want you to have any doubts uh This is forever. And then Jojo says, like, you know, you telling me that you loved me, you know, those weeks ago has really brought me to this place. Kind of reiterating again, like, you being in love with me is what I really like about you. Yeah. And then at some point, and I apologize I don't have the context, but in the closed caption, I noticed, I looked up and it said,

someone said I'm a heart virgin. Robbie said that he was a heart virgin. And I also missed the context. Yeah, I missed the context on that. And I feel bad, but I just thought it was worth mentioning. It doesn't, but I mean, here's the context.

So his heart has not been inside another woman's heart. I think so. Or a man. Or a man. Griffin, you're going to have to hang in there. I just don't know why you would say that out loud. I don't know why you would say that out loud by yourself in a sewer, you would say that out loud by yourself in a sewer let alone on in front of a camera on a very very very widely watched television program why would you say the words heart virgin out loud

does that mean he's never been in love before you're a girlfriend for like a wicked long time yeah that's what it sounds like maybe he's never given his heart away like this before. Is this a new, like... You think this is new lingo? I'm saying, like, Sean was like a... What's the word? He's like a new virgin? What's the terminology he used for, like, he patched his...

I mean, the phrase is usually born-again virgin. Okay. That just means, like, no sex for real this time yeah it means that you had sex and then now you've taken a vow okay to not have sex what is heart virgin mean robert i don't know i don't know but do you want to get to the rest of the date at any point does he throw shuriken and teach her how to throw shuriken and i don't even know what you're talking about right now like ninja stars well i want to talk about the only thing i think is interesting about robbie is that and that is my own fiction that he's a stealth assassin oh

spell that spell that word you're saying well now you really put me on the spot but s-h-u-r-i-k-e-n ninja stars is what we call them with our filthy tongue. How do you know that word? Video games? Do you have a specific video game? Shinobi? Okay. They made several Shinobi games as a ninja game.

Also, Tenchu Stealth Assassins. I learned a lot about the ninja trade there. So then you look at pictures yeah he that's his gift to her he has really poor quality pictures printed that he gives to her well are they poor quality or can you just not see any of his family members because they're a ninja tribe no it's not It's pictures of the two of them together. Oh. I don't. It made me wonder because there were pictures all the way back to the football day. It made you wander. I miss Juan Pablo. I miss Juan Pablo, I think. I am trying so hard

to sing more on this show. Oh, Sorry. And you keep missing your window. No, it's over now. Anyway, he had pictures going all the way back to the football date with Jojo. I don't remember that. You remember the football date where James Taylor gets his face all smashed? I did like that one. Robbie has a picture with him and JoJo there. Who was taking these pictures?

Who got these pictures to go? Who was taking these pictures? Was she taking a picture with each one of the guys as a kind of contingency plan? Because later in the episode, Jordan also has pictures. How does this happen, Bachelor? I don't know. I don't know. I don't know i don't know i don't know it's the but this is a thing that happens because this is this has been on previous seasons where the contestant

gives photos as a gift anyway shitty gifts still and forever not a great gift uh so jojo says that her love with Robbie is the type of love that she's been waiting for. And Robbie tells us, the viewer, that his only reserve about Jojo is that maybe he's blinded. She's not going to marry him and he'll be very sad. No, it's maybe that he's blinded by his love. His thing should have been my thing then. Mine was a way better concern, I would say. Of the two concerns his concern jordan's not exactly a worrier oh you're talking about jordan oh no sorry i meant robbie

yeah robbie's not exactly a worrier he never seems worried throughout this entire series well you can't tell that perfectly matte beautiful featureless skin it doesn't show micro expressions the way that my normal, very flawed skin does. Oh, Griffin, don't say that. Oh, it's true. I've got a very shimmery, sort of an ice cream paint job on my face. It shows a lot of my features. You have a baby face. That's what I'm saying.

Like, look at me right now, and I'll make a micro-expression, and you can like... Yeah, well, that wasn't really micro. That was even more macro. These are the most macro expressions hey tell me about the next date jordan time let's get that dick out not that we get to see uh jordan does say this is our last date together before i may be getting on a knee which is awesome bro and he's such stark contrast to robbie robbie's like i would not only propose right now i would impregnate her and then i would give our daughter away and i would do all of that tomorrow if i could and jordan's like i don't know i might one day ultimately say possibly that

i could spend potentially the rest of my life with her. Possibly. What does Jordan do, though? They are on a boat together. Hey, dog, wherever they were, can we go to that? Because it was pretty as hell. Yeah, it was. Well, first they're on a large boat, and then they get in a kayak,

and they kayak through this cave. It's very nice. They get out of the cave, and there's these beautiful little what they call like the mountains when it's just like a beautiful cylinder that comes up out of the ocean nobody knows nobody knows how to describe those land masses but they're very beautiful indescribably beautiful indescribably yeah why even try to describe i mean i did i said they're beautiful rock cylinders coming up out of the ocean. So they sit on the beach, and we kind of know that it's coming, that JoJo will want to find out why didn't you ask my dad. So as soon as they sit down on the beach, that starts.

JoRo actually gets ahead of it. Yeah, she doesn't have to ask. He says, I just laid it all on the line that i loved you i love you and i'm so in you and i spend the rest of my life with you and unfortunately i just like didn't ask okay bud why not um he does actually explain why not it's because he doesn't want to do it without knowing what's going on in jojo's mind because there's another guy and he doesn't he didn't want to do it he didn't want to do it without knowing what's going on in JoJo's mind. Because there's another guy. And he didn't want to ask her family because it would make her uncomfortable. Well, yeah.

Her family didn't know what she wanted. So he didn't want to ask when they didn't know what her preference was which kind of make kind of it's a really really circuitous confusing thing but like it makes sense dude if there was another guy and me and this guy were both vying for your hand in marriage and we both went to your parents to ask for your hand that does put your parents in a really awkward position well and he does say too he said you know i went first robbie hadn't even met them yet you know it felt weird to ask for permission before they'd even met the other guy and she said she like the point she keeps trying to make and keeps getting interrupted by Jordan, who that's he has a very aggro crag way of responding to conflict is like, why do you give a shit about Robbie?

Yeah, well, and she was like, do you know how you feel about me? And he's like, yeah. She's like, well, that's all that matters. And he's like, oh, well, you know, if it were up to me, I would have done it. And she's like, well you know if it were up to me i would have done it and she's like well but it is up to you uh and it just becomes i don't know there's you know it's easy to see both sides of that is there a case to be made for the fact that jordan's continued reluctance throughout this entire show somehow makes his ultimate affection for jojo and ultimate commitment to jojo a bit more real deal holyfield what because he's been so cautious the fact that he did it means something

because everybody says like drag his heels the whole time like he doesn't seem excited to be there now that it's like happened i think a case could be made for... Maybe it does make it a little bit more real. Because otherwise, the dude who's like, Day one, I love you, I'll marry you right now. And then if that person ends up proposing to you, I don't know. I think it doesn't seem especially too legit.

Yeah. No, I agree that Robbie kind of put me off in his just immediately, immediate willingness to be in love. Yeah. Uh, but Jordan also seems so restrained in a way that you aren't when you're really excited about somebody. That's a better point.

Yeah. Even though he wasn't saying like, I'm in love with you. I'm in love with you. I'm in love with you. I'm going to marry you. I'm going to marry you. I'm going to marry you. Um, he to marry you. I'm going to marry you.

He just, he never quite seemed so psyched to be there. Well, and he just like, he knows, I mean, he has to know the deal. Like he has to know that the kind of feedback he wants before he proposes is not the kind of feedback he's likely to get. Yeah. Like that's the show. back he's likely to get yeah like that's the show so i get i get yeah in the real world it would be weird to ask for permission for somebody that you hasn't like hasn't even said they love you yet like yeah that's a strange thing in the real world but this isn't the real world there's nothing

about it that is logical i don't... I'm more into JoJo than I thought I was going to be. But not much more. And I honest to God think the reason... What would their couple name be? JoJo. JoJo.

JoJo. Okay, good. It's pretty. I like that. JoJo. I'm just over this fucking photo finish two way tie to the end season of The Bachelorette cause like it just makes it so much less

it makes it so much less believable in a way. Like, the season where there's a kind of a clear frontrunner the whole time, and they're cute together, and then they get engaged, and then they are very happy. That, I don't know, that seems more real to me than that every fucking season has to be a neck and neck thing yeah i agree until the end because it really if you're new to watching this show and you watch this

season of ben season it didn't used to always be like this oh geez like emily's season ended with her sending one dude home in the final episode before the end of the episode because she was so sure about the dude she wanted to be with like that's kind of how the show used to be and that there was a clear front runner who'd run away with the thing and maybe maybe i'm misremembering because i'm sure that that had its own like it was predictable in a big way but like this they tried to do this neck and neck thing but it was still ended up being very very very predictable when we did a poll of everybody in the room right before the first person stepped out of the limo like okay who's gonna win everybody got it right yeah every single

person in the room got it right there were no it was it was yeah no matter how many times they tried to kind of manufacture this uncertainty everybody was like it's jordan was the most telegraphed and if that's the case then your neck and neck like narrative thing has failed catastrophically and it just is so goofy anyway anyway let's let's finish up um so after they do their little kayak date they go to j Jordan's room. JoJo pushes again, says, you know, you had enough time to meet me and to fall in love with me, but not enough time to ask my dad. And Jordan starts to seem like he really regrets not doing it. And Jordan's like, yeah, you know, I just always thought like, if I were to propose, you know, and Jojo's like, well, you keep saying if you'll propose. Uh, and Jordan's like, oh, I love you and I don't want to lose you.

And I want to be on one knee in my life that that's what I mean. I promise. Um, and, and, you know, he tells us, he's like, oh, I'm so bummed that I let her down. And then their evening's kind of over, and it just feels like they're still not really getting closure on that. And at this point, JoJo seems really attached to this issue, and there just never seems to be any resolution to it. Which, two things.

Uh, and there just never seems to be any resolution. Which, two things. First of all, it was, I mean, an edit designed to make Jordan look very, very, very bad. Like, very, very, very bad. Um, but also, the fact that she's asking those questions in the first place is, like, she ain't asking Robbie those questions. Yeah, I know. She ain't checking on Robbie's bona fides. Yeah. Uh, and then it She ain't checking on Robbie's bona fides. Yeah. And then it's ring time with Neil Lane.

He's got a fucking painting. It's ring time. Is it ring time? Ring time with Neil Lane. I think we did the Sega harmony there. Sega. That's beautiful, though, baby. Thank you.

What is it that you call Neil Lane? I called him an unwrapped mummy. There you go. It's just he's getting younger somehow. I think he's got a diamond somewhere that is sucking the years out of him. somewhere that is sucking the years out of him uh and usually this is like a really nice moment where the neil plays the role of chris harrison and asks them how they feel about except this show's got no daddies no more does it that's a really good way to describe this show's got no more daddies because the ring procurement goes very

quickly. Each guy sits down. Robbie's like, the fat one! Looks at a ring. Picks a ring. I heard a new reference to a jewel cut I'd never heard before. And it was like, a pillow? A pillow cut? I don't know. I wasn't listening.

I think they said this is a pillow cut jewel. It's like, man, they just come out with new ones all the time, huh? I mean, they're very large rings. They're very big. And I say this every year. I think they look so fucking goofy. Yeah. I think they look goof troop, these rings.

And there were some people in the room tonight who agreed with me. Mm-hmm. Yeah, no, there's nothing worse than a very large ring. And then you do this character over here, this Coco Chanel character. Nothing's better than a bunch of diamonds. And so that

ends our segment. Here comes my best friend, Tiffany. That ends our segment. Precious diamonds. Ring time with Neil Lane. Ring time with Neil Lane. You laughed out of it, but I finally found it there at the end. So really, that was on you.

No, it's my fault. I'm a little pitchy. I'm sorry I don't buy you enough precious gemstones. The segment's over, Griffin. It's not a segment. With you, you demand new gemstones every day. I brought you an opal yesterday, and you were like, wrong. You guessed wrong.

I wanted tourmaline. And then you brought me a soft pretzel today. I brought you a soft pretzel. And I was still like, can you make this into a ring for me? Instead of kosher salt on top, can you sprinkle it with topaz? Yeah, I guess. I'm sorry.

Rachel eats gemstones for fuel. She loves diamonds and topaz. You make me sound like a... make you sound like like a 2016 kaila kaila what no kaila didn't eat gemstones for energy she ate batteries uh so jordan who has expressed to us the and Jojo, that he regrets not getting approval, is back in his room calling Dr. Fletcher to get that permission after all. And he gives this speech that is just very hurried and uncomfortable. And the family approves. Just very hurried and uncomfortable.

And the family approves. And that's that. Him and Robbie put on the same suit, which is fine. And we see JoJo getting ready. She says she woke up this morning with a moment of clarity. And then goes outside and there's a note from jordan and and a note from abby well first we see the note from jordan and jordan there were but she picks up both notes which is really yeah they're both in the same like flower pot or something oh okay oh you're right you're right you're right mail call uh and jordan talks about his undying love apologizes

again for not getting permission says that he has done so now and jojo says oh this is everything i wanted and she starts crying she says there's everything i wanted but it feels wrong she says does she say that yeah um which is why not it shouldn't it does it shouldn't yeah i had thought maybe she woke up and thought, you know what, Robbie's the one that's ready. I'm going with Robbie. And then she read the note from Jordan and was like, what? Yeah, there's a note from Robbie.

Robbie is basically out of words at this point and just says, like, love forever. Beautiful. He just puts in the script to love actually, like the last 40 pages. Love really is all around us. And then JoJo looks through the Jordan photos that are similar to the Robbie photos. And it's proposal time.

And JoJo is in a very, very high-cut dress on the beach. She looks amazing. By the way, there were some people in the FUBU group talking some jazz about her dresses. If I see that kind of behavior, I mean, I don't know why anybody would talk about JoJo's dresses ever again, but if I see that kind of talk in the group ever again, you're gone. You're fucking gone, so.

Yeah. My wife gave me admin privileges to the Facebook group last week. And Griffin is much more ruthless than gone. You're fucking gone, so. Yeah. Because my wife gave me admin privileges to the Facebook group last week. And Griffin is much more ruthless than me. I'll kick a motherfucker out, especially if you talk about these beautiful dresses my gal JoJo has on. Because let me say this right now,

because I don't want us to neglect talking about it before, I think JoJo is a phenomenal bachelorette. I thought she was exceptional. I really liked watching her. I thought she brought vivaciousness and energy to the program, to the proceedings. I liked a lot of passion, a lot of emotion. I was into it. She was real, real.

I was probably a harder critic to win over. I don't love JoJo. I don't think she beat anybody out of their ranking. I think she's my second favorite right behind Emily. Really? Why? Who the fuck is she gonna? Why?

What is it that made her? She was R-I-L-L, real. She wore a heart on her sleeve, and I saw her heart, and I saw her sleeve, and I said both those real. I guess that's true. I thought it was going to be Caitlin. I think Caitlin's probably number three now.

Caitlin's probably number two. I missed a lot of the older seasons, though, so I don't... I guess I just wanted JoJo to be funny. It's a hard ask. Yeah, I guess so. Why? Because women aren't funny? No, because this show, like, that is not...

There hasn't been a funny Bachelor, either. Like, when you're in that role, you are fucking boring. Caitlin is hysterical. In her season that she was on of The Bachelor, she was fucking hysterical. No, why does that happen? And then she was The Bachelorette. And they just, because you have to, there has to be, like, a weird, like, seriousness. They spend so much time trying to get us to fall in love with the suitors

that we lose any opportunity to like the Bachelor or Bachelorette. It's because they're a goal. They are an object goal that you're supposed to be like. But why can't you romance me on the Bachelor or Bachelorette too? I think there's an assumption they already did that in the last season of the show i need more i am a very very hard woman to please very true um and speaking of i don't know now that we're at the end of the rainbow i don't know who the fuck they got in the wings for the bachelor, but there's just... Well, let's get to this proposal.

Okay, yes, please. Let's do the proposal. Who steps out that first cab? So the first person out of the limo is the person that is going to get rejected. And so we always see their shoes first. And we saw the very flamboyant socks of one Robbie Hayes. I ain't hating on that, though I've got that I got that foot card again. Oh I know I love a flamboyant sock. So Robbie launches in says you know this is crazy

but it's a good kind of crazy and my family adores you and my heart yearns for you and this is a love that you only hear about in stories. You're my best friend and she stops him and says Robbie I can't let you get down on one knee because I don't want to take that moment from you. There's that. There's that. Axe man. Sometimes they let him get all the way down on one knee

and get the ring out and they say no. No, no, no. But she stops him, which I appreciate. I appreciate that too. It's the first time that she's not, that she's not, you know, holding it until the last possible millisecond and she says you know i've been wanting it to be you and my heart is broken

although that line keeps rearing its fucking ugly head and for like the past four send-offs i wanted it to be you yeah that's a crazy thing to say and then she says she loves him which i miss okay and now we're and now we the the ax man facade drops although i don't know even the ax man said he loves you to the to the two final people um but you made joe joe fletcher you made it so far not doing the thing that happened to you dog she was in this position where she wanted him to realize that she was serious about him and that she really cared about him and i get that she doesn't want to think like hey i really tricked you haha it's not you at all she wanted to be like no i honestly like had really strong feelings for you like you were

really my runner last season was the season where the bachelor said i love you to two contestants and then she was the one who lost that transaction and said, I'll never do that again. And then you didn't until literally the last possible minute, JoJo. She's bad at rejecting people. So bad. Because this is, you brought them up. You psyched them up there at the end, like while they were already on their way down. That was a weird play, bud. So Robbie really keeps it together he doesn't fall apart kind of

the way that i was expecting him to um they walk back to the limo and he gets in and he seems kind of in shock about the whole thing and it's kind of like is this allowed to happen is this is this real like is this really happening yeah he's kind of a disbelief uh so now it's jordan turn jordan is there at dusk which is always a good sign it's like the least you you have to remember when the person steps out of the limo and they see the sun directly over the head they already know they've lost the television show the bachelor or bachelorette it's the most think about it put yourself in the shoes of the people who've been pouring over all day thinking about whether or not they've won and then you step

outside and it's fucking 11 30 a.m you've lost the television show i thought it would be nice if chris harrison when they're at the top of the stairs getting ready to go down if chris harrison was like all right uh you know good luck man and by the way it's not you all right she's waiting for you i think the only way i think a better way to do it is to put a fucking black bag over their head from the moment they wake up and put them in a deprivation chamber and then she either dumps them or proposes to them in a perfectly windowless room without them knowing what time it is. What day is it?

That's how you get the real emotion. How long have I been in here? Everybody who's ever came in second place on this show fucking knew it before they told them. That's cold hard truth. If not, they were delusional because it was 1130 when they got kicked off. Yeah. Anyway. Anyway.

Jordan says, you're my best friend. You're my soulmate. And JoJo stops him and says, Jordan, just before you continue, I just want to say something that I've been wanting to say. You know, I love you so much. And Jordan's obviously relieved. And then he immediately gets on one knee. And JoJo's like, oh, is this real? And Jordan says, it's been real, which I thought was kind of fun yeah and uh he proposes she says yes um and then they give out the final rose

and i got a little over clamped there's a sunset champagne toast did you really a little bit i you know i think i got goosebumps a little bit there's a i had a goosebumps a goosebumps moment. No matter how botched the delivery, and by delivery I don't mean their proposal, I mean the love story of the season, is I can't help but put myself in the shoes of either of the people in that situation. And that's nervous work, man. No matter how jaded you are about the the the realness of this show they're really

proposing to somebody on tv with a speech they've probably written themselves that's nervous work man um but and they seem very relieved and happy to be to be done with it and yeah i i was into it. Yeah, I am not 100% confident in their relationship, but I believe that there's some real affection there. I think there is, too. And I think you saw it a bit more in the after the final rose. Yeah, let's get to that. And let's just get through it, please. After the final rose, Robbie comes out first.

And everybody in our group recognized he had new teeth. Oh, I didn't notice that. I didn't notice that either. But apparently his front teeth are closer together now and they think he has veneers. I will say that was one of many, many, many, many accessories that he had on this night. Yeah, he was also wearing a pocket square and then like a little brooch and a tie. And a tie, all three of which were seemingly made from the same fabric, which is like just, that's a lot, bud. So Chris Harrison interviews him.

He says that he's confused, but he's not angry. Says that, you know, she taught me the type of woman I want to end up with. And, you know, I respect Jordan. He's a great friend. I just want to end up with. And, you know, I respect Jordan. He's a great friend. I just want her to be happy. So, you know, just like a classy guy. Said he's been, like, with his friends and family, kind of pulling himself together.

Doesn't say anything about being ready to find love again, which makes me think maybe he's not. He ain't going to be it. An ex-bachelor. I can't imagine, right? Like, I can't. Nah, I know. He wouldn't. It's not his scene uh jojo comes out i think he said i feel like we've given robbie a lot of shit this season i think he's a nice dude

and i do think back to that those first few episodes and he was he was a funny charming guy it was just like this season was so the odds were so against, and he just didn't have an interesting storyline other than the guy who was ready to commit as a foil against Jordan, the clear winner's reluctance. When Robbie had his kind of catching fire moment of like, now I'm a frontrunner, it didn't feel like I was ready for that to happen, and I never got ready. Yeah. It just seemed, well, it's probably nice that she has somebody that is so into her. That was kind of my reaction to it.

Yeah. So JoJo comes out, and Robbie asks JoJo, you know, why did you say that you love me on our last day? And JoJo's like, you know, I didn't want to discredit our relationship I wanted you to know how I felt and Robbie said you know when we were talking you said a lot of things that made it seem like it should have been us you know that your family liked me and that you wanted it to be me and jojo says well my heart was always with jordan and i couldn't imagine saying goodbye to jordan and robbie says well i just wanted you to be happy and it seems like you're happy uh and that's and that's it that's it not really fiery nope um chris harrison asked jojo who should be the next bachelor then we get all right can i propose something well can i just

before you propose something can i just all right i think we should stop saying his name okay what should we say and said i've been thinking about this for a while okay because if we call him something like mean spirited like i called him a i think i called him a fuck neck yeah i don't want to bully him well i don't want to bully him either but mainly just because i think he would get some sort of weird satisfaction out of it if he knew so what do we say i think it was just given like a boring wrong name oh like he did to grant on mental all and he's calling him like daryl how do you feel about dale or or um i want i want it to be close enough that people aren't like wait a minute who's that but i do want people to be kind of confused what about

tad what about ted ted no it doesn't it's gotta be it also has to be like kind of a shitty name. Tad's not good. Tad's not great. Rod. Rod is good because it's also kind of a dick. You could also just go with Dick or Rick. What about Pastrami? Why Pastrami? Because he eats lunch meat?

Yeah. Maybe. I kind of want to take it, but that adds to the lore. Like, I want to remove all of that. I want to strip him of everything. All right. What about, you said Rod? Rod.

Let's do Rod. I just want to keep going. Okay. We'll do it with Rod, and if we think of a better one, we'll change it. That could also be the thing. We just call him a new name every week and we sub it out. Okay. That won't get confusing.

Do we want to say his name for one last time so people know who the fuck we're talking about? No, people will know. All right, yeah. Okay, so... The meat one. Okay. Okay, so Chris asks JoJo who should be the next Bachelor.

And JoJo says, i don't know maybe luke or chase seem kind of like the the possible picks chris pulls the audience very quickly and when she says yeah he says hey luke or chase it sounds like everybody says luke the whole audience is like Luke. And then Rod stands up. And JoJo's like, oh, no, not Rod. Definitely not Rod. And this fuckneck, this dude. Rod gives like a small speech from the audience. He's there because the whole Bachelor in Paradise crew is there. And Rod says... With this tone of earnestness that is literally,

he has never had before. He's like, you know, I've lived a long life. Shut up. My mom passed away six months ago. I'm a, you know, I'm a Marine. And I just think, you know, i deserve a shot at love too and there's there's a few claps in the audience he says i think i should be the next batch yeah and there's a few claps in the audience chris harrison is like not into it nah rod he's oh, you know, maybe we'll see after Bachelor in Paradise.

And then he uses the word train wreck. He said, it's truly a train wreck. And references that. The line that Rod says about the mimosa thing. Yeah, that Chris Harrison. This whole night has been punctuated. Every single commercial break has a Bachelor in Paradise promo. And I think there's a different one in each commercial break. One of the promos is that Rod confronts Chris Harrison. This whole night has been punctuated. Every single commercial break has a Bachelor in Paradise promo. And I think there's a different one in each commercial break.

One of the promos is that Rod confronts Chris Harrison about Chris just drinking mimosas in his hotel room. In each one, it's like fucking black and white, like nightmare music. And like the words Rod appeared in lightning. Just continue to be awful. Like, oh, fuck, man. I can only hope that rod gets it booted fast because he's a piece of shit i know baby we're so close okay so there's more interview for jojo um chris asked how she's been doing and she says that it's been difficult and they haven't gotten

as much positive support as they expected. And that since they can't, they haven't been able, her and Jordan haven't been able to be open about their relationship. They haven't been able to defend each other. And then Jordan comes out, says that they're doing great. She's wearing the engagement ring which they're both excited to be to be out in public she's also wearing a fun dress that in and of itself kind of looks like a pretzel knot on the front i was into it um jojo doesn't seem like giddy happy she just kind of seems tired well, they also seem relieved more than anything, I would say. Yeah, just like now we're finished with this.

Yeah. But JoJo says they have a mutual respect. And that throughout this process, it's been hard. But they did never talk about breaking up. Then Chris shows some of the tabloids up on the screen that have come out since the show aired. And they're saying, you know, we can't control what people say about us uh and then they show the people magazine that'll come out tomorrow and the pulled quote from jojo is i know i can trust him which is just kind of a sad pulled quote yeah it's just like uh hey believe in us guys trust is so important yeah um so they

say they've been throwing around some dates for a wedding sometime next year and um chris comes chris comes in at one more time just see if he just tries the aaron rogers button again actually um uh jordan's reflected deflection was like really kind of weird chris basically asked him like have things improved between you and aaron has anything changed he said you know so now me and jojo's families get together so well and we're about to start our own family and we're just really really excited about you know doing this thing with our families yeah and so and so Chris tries JoJo. He's like, have you met her? Or like, have you met Aaron Rodgers yet?

And JoJo's like, no, I mean, the situation is the same as it was before. We have other things to worry about. And Jordan says, we got to buy furniture. Yeah. Jordan! Yeah, I get they don't want to talk about it. I respect that. I do too, but say that.

Don't do this, the weirdest deflect. Have you made up with your brother yet? I can't. I have to buy furniture. What? Yeah. And then Ben and Lauren from last season are in the audience, and they offer some advice.

Oh, my God. I just realized when Bachelor in Paradise goes off the air, that's what is going to be on ABC. It's the Ben and Lauren show. Ben and Lauren, happily ever after, question mark? Question mark. Seems like they are, yes. And Chris says, all right, hang around, guys.

We still have one more thing. And I'm like, how is this still going? We come back. Chris says, as a gift, we're sending you back to nema colon nema colon pennsylvania and jojo's like fuck yes nema that might be like my favorite mojo jojo the whole season is jojo gets psyched out of her mind yes nema colon i love nema colon nema colon i will say this i've got a nema colon beautiful uh and then we get teasers for some final teasers for bip which starts well i guess when this airs it will start tonight

i can't believe it uh do we want to get into having having that bib teaser because there are a few there are a few like we'll be talking about it though tomorrow let's just say there are a few pairings that i find quite agreeable and some i find disagreeable yeah you were excited about jared uh and kyla zero zero one i was very excited about wells and ashley yeah why is that exactly i want her to find somebody rachel i got two eyes and a heart um wrap ups for the season of joe i thought it was um i thought there were some high points i didn't think there were a lot of low points i mean honestly the only thing that put like a bad taste in my mouth was the was the not so much the chad being on the show, because like, God knows they've had like genuinely bad people on the show before,

but the ABCs lionizing of, of him, like it was so, so, so gross. You did just say his name. Fuck. $20 in the swear jar.

Uh, I liked the time that we got to spend with Luke and with Wells. Yeah. I like those boys. I think, I think Luke and with Wells. Yeah, I like those boys. I think Luke would be a decent Bachelor. I mean, the field is not especially competitive in that department, I don't think, if we're taking boys from this season, unless it is Wells, which would be sick,

but that's not going to happen. Yeah, there were some high points. There was some entertaining stuff that happened and then i would say especially towards the end there was a lot of just sort of plateau although that is kind of the curve for every season of this show um yeah the past few seasons there's been a clear front runner from almost like episode one and then you just kind of ride that train all the way to the end. Last season I think bucked the curve a little bit because I think

their selling of JoJo as somebody who could come and usurp Lauren B was like really poignant and really strong. Yeah, but we were sure it was Lauren B for like 90% of the season. Yeah, except for that last episode where they actually did this curveball and it fucking worked. Yeah, it was pretty was pretty deft work but yeah it was good stuff um i would i would say

it was a fairly good season um uh i'm not i i know there are a lot of folks who listen to the show never watched the show before and this was their first season to watch i think you got a very standard season of The Bachelor. There was a villain. There was a romantic frontrunner. There were a lot of goofball people. There were some piss kids and some ratbags. There were a lot of piss kids, a lot of ratbags. I have no idea what the next Bachelor is going to happen.

A lot of singing this season. A lot of singing. A lot more singing than usual. Yeah, I enjoyed it. with the next bachelor a lot of singing this season a lot more singing than usual um yeah i i i enjoyed it um and a few jameses a bunch a mess of jameses uh and i hope bip i hope bip is fun and not like horrible people have been asking if there's a way to do a bit fantasy league there might be we have never even tried to do it. I mean, a drinking game is more appropriate for BIP.

If you want to come up with one of those, I'm into it. There has been some stirring on the Facebook group about a drinking game. I think there's a lot of potential there, but I don't know exactly what to recommend. Yeah. I think that's it. We'll see you fucking tomorrow. Yay. Can we just wrap up?

I'm Rachel McElroy. I'm Griffin McElroy. When you're ready. I'm not ready. Stay with us on this journey of joy. Spoiler alert. She is up with Soulja Boy. Bright reasons, bright reasons, getting

rid of all the poor seasons.