Wonderful! - Ep. 32: A Sweet, Soft Boy

Episode Date: August 10, 2016

What a turbulent four hours of television ABC made us watch this week! There were heartbreaking send-offs, grody arrivals and even the ascent of an unlikely emotional core for the whole BIP experiment! And then: The worst hour of TV this franchise has ever made. It's a rollercoaster! That dead-ends into a dumpster. Full of scorpions. MaxFunDrive ends on March 29, 2024! Support our show now by becoming a member at maximumfun.org/join.

Maybe you should go and do some contemplating. Right reasons, right reasons, being a good girl for all the right reasons. Right reasons, right reasons, being a good girl for all the right reasons. I'm the Bachelorette and I'm rapping to your poolside. Here to find true love. Hi, this is Rachel McElroy. Hi, this is Griffin McElroy. And this is Rose Buddies.

It's a podcast that is like, um, it's like we collect a garbage can. It's an ill-advised podcast. It's an ill-advised podcast about a reprehensible show where we go through two hours a week, sometimes four hours a week. Thank you, ABC. And we just sort of go through a nation's sort of collective collective garbage and then compromise a lot of things that we stand for a lot of the things that we stand for and we take all those things and we put it in a garbage can and then you come and you put your earphones on you download it through you

know whatever app you use maybe podcasts the iphone one maybe sketcherers, I think is one of them. Pod boys. Shape ups. And then we come and we say, we hope you're having a good day, nerd. And then we upend this garbage can on top of you and it gets all over you. Can I say something, Griffin? Tell me now. I think there are still funny moments and we can make a funny podcast. And I don't want to be...

That's an interesting prospect. I don't want to be an interesting prospect i don't want to be too down you know i also don't want to be down and there's there's one man who's capable of of changing now and his name is doug abc his name is craig bachelorette and all he has to do is make one decision one casting decision that's it craig if this one's for you, bud, let's talk about Bachelor in Paradise. Yeah, let's start. So we said this episode of Rose Buddies would cover Monday and Tuesday. Yes, because fuck am I not doing two podcasts a week anymore last week on Mos Kilby. I think, here's the thing.

It was a fine two episodes of bachelor in paradise it was really this we're coming off hot and fresh after watching the after paradise live show which is if i really i'm sorry that i opened up the show on such a pessimistic note it was the worst hour of television that this organization has ever put on the television before worst in every conceivable definition of the word because like jubilee was on it and sean was on it and i still didn't like it oh i fucking hated it not only that i mean it one of those two fell from grace in a a really dramatic way not jubilee jubilee she's shown like a torch in the fucking darkness like a meaty torch i wanted to like i wanted to i want to write her a letter

can we do that together when we're done recording this just write jubilee a letter thanking her for her for her service and then for her service yeah we should um tell me what happened on monday bachelor oh same rules apply vis-a-vis rod we ended up giving 120 u.s american dollars to safe place which is good it's a great cause here in Austin. Look them up. A bunch of people were also making donations to Safe Place. Somebody matched us. That was very, very sweet. Erica Huff ran a candle drive.

Her candle company called Wick Habit. She sold over $300 with a merchandise and donated it all to Safe Place. Thank you very much. Yeah, it's a great cause. We do have a baby on the way. So if we could avoid saying Rod's real Christian name like a dozen times this episode, that would be sick. I don't think it's sustainable for us to donate over $100.

You said it a lot. You always called me on it. You didn't realize. I think you said it two or three times. Well, if you had caught me, maybe I would have been better. Yeah, that's a good point. Okay, so let's get into this. Okay.

Monday night's episode starts rod is leaving and you know abc teased that it was gonna be this big protracted exit it was not there were yeah the edits for this season of bachelor in paradise the trailer edits and the like not even the trailer edits the way that they're editing sound effects and fully working shit into the actual episodes of the show is really, really bad and not that hard to spot. But they made it seem like he stuck around and was like throwing shit around and like knocking shit. That must have happened while he was intoxicated. Yeah. Yeah. And then I will say this week we watched the intro.

Oh, yeah. You found eyeballs on that one. And that I feel like really captures the tone of the show or what it used to be uh and it's just always so nice to start out the show that way you just feel like yeah we're gonna have fun here today guys and there have been a few moments there were a few moments this week that sort of encapsulated what i love so much about bachelor in paradise in that it is it's trash but like in the most delectable way like trash corn popcorn that you fish out of a trash and you eat it and it's not the best popcorn you've ever eaten but

it's free and it's so funny that you're eating popcorn out of the trash have you told your story about the trash i used to work at it yeah i used to work this was i'm drawing from experience um i used to work at a movie theater i'd work at the concession stand and what do you think they do with that all that popcorn they just throw it away. And so one day, I lived around the corner from the movie theater. I just threw it all into a gigantic 40-gallon industrial-sized garbage bag that was clean. It was unused. And then we took it home to my roommates.

Played Star Fox 64, and we ate a bunch of it. And at one point, we dumped an entire jar of Nutella in the bag and shook it up and that was cooking that's cooking is what that is call me bobby if you will i think we've talked about this before um okay so so rod exits i don't really want to talk about it any more than that it was fucking nothing like it was literally 20 seconds. Okay. So then it is time for a new contestant to arrive. A new tribute. And the person that arrives is Leah, who is from Ben's season. Yes. And Leah is infamous for...

Infamous. Quote, unquote, infamous. She did one thing. Yeah. She did one thing. Yeah, she kind of was a non-player most of the season, and then as Lauren B. became the clear frontrunner, she tried to put questions in Ben's mind about Lauren B. being fake. Which is from whole cloth, like not legit.

This happened at the fucking ocean pig date, too. And happened at the fucking water and the ocean pig date, too. And to violate the sanctity of the ocean pig date, there is no jail bad enough for Leah to be in. And probably the most egregious part of this was that Ben went to Lauren, said there have been comments made to me about you being fake. Lauren came back to the group, said, who would say that? Who did that? And Leah denied it outright. Yeah.

So, yeah. So when she showed up, some people knew who she was. The twins in particular seemed pretty hostile. The thing about Bachelor in Paradise is people will continue to arrive late in the show and the later you arrive the harder it is for you to find a match yeah uh and that was especially if you're i don't want to be i don't want to be uh particularly mean to anybody on the show who doesn't like deserve it um but there there's kind of a we're in kind of

a middle of the pack territory now i'm going to talk a lot this episode because i think it like defined a lot of the drama that happened this week i think there's like tiers of i t i e r s tiers of like bachelor bachelorette contestants yeah if you go for that high tier category you better play to win because if you don't get it you will be sent home sent packing but like brand like we got a new dude in this episode we just watched named brandon who i literally i've never seen before in my life i think abc is gaslighting me no see i think i remember him okay but i'm not a hundred percent anyway we'll get to him we'll get to it uh so leah shows up leah gets a date card so that is the one advantage you get is if you arrive

late you immediately get a date card so you can kind of throw yourself into the ring uh and she looks around and says where's rod his rod here and she's heartbroken everyone's like yeah you totally missed missed rod dang totally missed rod. Robbins. So then Leah is kind of setting out to try and find somebody to take on this date. And she ends up picking Nick. And Nick at this point has his eyes on Amanda. So he's not especially receptive to this. is not especially receptive to this but um yeah there's there's a thing that happens before nick and leah go on their date uh griffin i don't know if you know what i'm about to mention i don't uh it's no i can't remember anything but it made um it made everyone very uncomfortable

you could have described any of the 15 things that have happened in the last two days. We see Emily and Hayley go up and join Jared and Vinny in the little dining area. They're just getting too goofy with it. I say goofy. That's too light an adjective to describe it. But the twins were eating bananas at the same time. And The Bachelor put sex music over it. Yeah.

Yeah, so I get the sense that Emily and Hayley are kind of up for anything. They're kind of wacky, and they're willing to kind of... I like them this season. ...go for it. I like them this season more than I did during their season with The Bachelor. Well, they still say some kind of catty stuff, though,

about people. They say catty stuff from time to time, but they are far from the like me no no yeah they're not i don't think they're i don't think they're evil stuff that made me kind of giggle they just they seem like they're having a fun time and are totally willing to they're they're totally on board with the like a comedic twin angle the straight up parent trap angle um and which makes me feel like less bad but still it's kind of gross that abc is completely making it like a novelty yeah it was it was kind of this this gross moment that this was this was this was unspeakably awful like this was next level bad the the edit sometimes it's like funny like claire talking to uh a raccoon like that was that was one of the funniest things i'd ever seen because

this is the first time it had happened right like yeah this was this was well that was new bachelor in paradise that was the first season of bachelor in paradise and claire was a woman who was on juan pablo season was the runner-up in that season, and, like, told him off, which is, like, everybody had been waiting for because Juan Pablo was a shithead. And then she had a bad experience in Bachelor in Paradise and was venting her troubles, and they edited it to make it look like

she was telling a very receptive raccoon. And it was very fucking funny, only now they've, like, done it, like, four or five times to poor Claire. So, like, the edits, like, the edits for comedy, they are leaning into it. This was like somebody went way overboard because it wasn't funny. It was like really super duper pervy and gross and bad. Yeah, I didn't like it.

And so then we cut to Lace. So Lace, you know, is recently without a partner since rod left uh and she's worried about her fate um because at this point they haven't had a rose ceremony yet no uh and so she's talking to jorge um jorge is the bartender for bachelor paradise i don't know if we've extolled his virtues enough but he was on last season of Bachelor in Paradise. We weren't doing the podcast back then. I know. But he's familiar to us, is what I'm saying. He's beloved. Yeah.

And then Lace is talking to Vinny and saying that she's concerned and that she was kind of vibing with Grant. And vibing, just so you know, is not a word I would normally use, but it is. The show has buried it deep in your lexicon. It is common parlance on the show. but it is shows buried it in common parlance on the show uh and so vinny uh takes it upon himself to go to grant and say hey lace lace is kind of into you and would love to spend more time with you and so grant goes to talk to lace and they kind of reconnect in that moment yeah so amanda is um telling us the viewer that she likes nick and she's kind of disappointed that nick is going on this date um but she's also kind of skeptical of nick and doesn't know whether

or not he's just like a super smooth operator or if they really have something um and and then we see nick go on the date with leah they're they're in this weird it's like they're at a street festival and maybe a carnival and it's hard like a bad like a very bad carnival yeah it just seemed like there was nothing going on and so they just threw a bunch of stuff together like a carnival that would take place in like a preschool parking lot because doesn't he swing one of those big hammers to hit a bell? I don't remember anything about this.

I don't remember anything about this date. I barely remember anything about this episode. Yeah, they do end up kissing. Nick and Leah do, but it doesn't... I mean, there's no super big sparks. It's weird that we can tell how good a kiss is between two people doing a kiss on TV now. I know.

It's really weird that that's an actual, like, codified metric in my mind that is etched in stone. I can tell when people are feeling it, and I can judge the quality of other human kisses because of how much I've watched this show. I'm like a dog show judge for human kisses. Like, I know all of the weird stuff. Like, all the techniques. I mean, don't get me wrong.

It's why I'm so fucking good at it. A kissing? Yeah, no, that's fair because i love i'm like mega man you know i bust them up and i learn their techniques because you lift up the tail you check between the legs check the legs check for the heat oh god look at the teeth look for the teeth well not look for the find them where they go Where they go. You usually know where the teeth are. We have four hours of television to talk about. Okay, okay, okay.

We get a scene of Amanda talking to her kids on the phone. She has two kids that are at home right now. And the kids are like, who's this? Kind of, oh, Griffin. Come on. Give me something. Okay. All right.

Back into the breach. All right. Back in the breach. Here we go. So then, so Leah and Nick get back from their date. And Leah's kind of debriefing the date with the with the other ladies and then a date card arrives and who is the date card for well it's for nick yeah which is a surprise usually usually whoever is whichever gender is giving out the roses that week the other gender gets the date card so if the men are in power,

which is a weird way of thinking about it, but if the men are the ones giving out the roses, then the women are the ones that get the date cards and get to give them out. Yeah, almost invariably. Huh. So Nick gets a date card, and some poor producer, I have to believe, coaxed Leah into saying,

oh, wow, I'll get to have another date with Nick. Clearly he'll pick me again, and we'll have two dates. No, Leah. No, Leah. No. Nick picks Amanda. Nick picks Amanda. And then this sets Leah off on,

I don't think there's going to be a lot more to talk about vis-a-vis Leah, but her whole arc for the episode was like tragic heroine of like, I've had my heart broken. I've only been here one day why did bad things always happen to me and it's like well and she's got that hustle on though i mean to to a point we make a lot yeah she does not roll over and die she gets out there and she tries to find somebody else for sure yeah but but this this i don't know get you've been there for one day you're in super pretty mexico like have just have a good time. I'm sorry you didn't get to go on

two consecutive dates. So as Amanda's getting ready for the date, Leah I think is trying to make friends in a weird way that women do sometimes where she's kind of teasing Amanda. She's like, oh my gosh i have the same makeup palette and the same bronzer stop trying to be me we're like exactly the same amanda i think boys do that stuff too but just well not usually about like makeup bronzer yeah but the thing i will say um much in the way that all the dudes look the same at the end of JoJo's season,

I was not surprised that Amanda and Leah had the same makeup palette. Nor would I be surprised if the twins also had that palette, because they all look exactly the same to me. I think that's fair. And I think, maybe not exactly the same, but i think most of the women there look very similar yeah sarah and carly too i think that's just what that that good good close to the equator sun does to you gives you that tan skin gives you a sun-kissed blonde hair you know what i mean so if i let's say i went to to the equator. Sunkissed blonde hair, beautiful bronzed skin, some sort of beaded necklace would just appear on you. And it would look so good, babe.

I'd make sure you put on sunscreen and stuff. So the twins are telling us, the viewer, they're seeing this kind of rivalry between Amanda and Leah. And the twins are like,anda is five million times prettier uh they are very anti-leah and continue to be anti-leah for the remainder of her time everyone is very pro amanda and amanda's very um she's very nice um but like she's she's like every guy when he shows up is like i'm gonna i'm gonna i'm gonna go talk to a man i'm gonna i'm gonna go i'm interested in amanda yeah i don't i don't totally is it which is no slight

against amanda but there's a lot of eligible bachelorettes there yeah i don't totally understand it i was trying to think okay well how is amanda different than the rest of the women um and she doesn't have a twin. Yeah. So that's different. There's one of her, is what you're saying. Uh-huh. She doesn't have a history of getting really drunk

and doing anything crazy. That we know of. That we know of. But as far as what makes her remarkable... Her name is a palindrome. No. A Danma. That's pretty close.

She's a relatively unknown person. I mean, she's been around, obviously, but we don't know a lot about her. We just know she's nice. So there's not anything to really hold against her. Yeah. Okay. But yeah. Anyway. lot about her we just know she's nice so there's not anything to really hold against her yeah okay but uh but yeah anyway so she so she's super great everybody loves her so sarah at this point is also getting kind of nervous uh because the rose ceremony's coming up she hasn't really

connected with anybody yet uh and so she is trying to kind of figure out who her person's going to be. So she goes and hangs out with Vinny for a little bit. And they have what seems like a really good conversation. Vinny's like, you know, I'm just here to find my best friend. You know, and he's like, oh, you know, I'm big on physical touch. And he's kind of like touching her. Which then kicked off a whole love language conversation with a big, big, big group of friends.

Which, by the way, for my friends, made macarons. Oh yeah, they were very delicious. Thank you. Yeah, we talked a lot about love languages because I went on the website and took the quiz myself. Words of affirmation are big for me. You look really nice today.

Thank you. That's not exactly what it is, though. Well. I mean, it's a little bit. Okay. It would be more like you look really nice and that's one of the reasons that I care so much about you. You've always looked and will always look very nice.

There you go. That's good. I like that you look nice. I feel affirmed by you. Thank you. That's my love language. But yeah, there's acts of service. There's physical touch.

We can't get into what the love languages are. I just, I want you to figure out what yours is. Probably. There's tokens of affection or something is one of them. Is pizza a token of affection? Well, yeah. I hate to be reductive, but... No, you like it when I make pizza.

She makes really good pizza, y'all. I don't want to sound like I'm pushing the gender norm. I feel like we both cook fairly equally, but you make... For your friends, you cook all the time. Yeah, but you make a damn good pizza. Thank you, baby. Affirmed. You've been affirmed. Thank you. And you look nice while you make the time. Yeah, but you make a damn good pizza. Thank you, baby. Affirmed. You've been affirmed. Thank you.

And you look nice while you make the pizza. And I like that. I like both the things. Affirmation! You got firmed. And that'll hold me over for like... A week. Yeah, at least. You're like a cactus.

Or you're just my little succulent plant. Like a cactus. You're just my little succulent plant. Oh, we've got to move so much faster. Okay, okay, okay. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. So this is when Carly and Evan start kind of exploring the space a little bit. Exploring each other's bodies. They spend a lot of time, like, talking and hanging out.

And Carly says, you know, that she's been wondering what it would be like to kiss him. We've all had that thought. And Evan's kind of, he's not making any moves. But he's doing this kind of weird lean in his head against her. Like, oh, I'm so tired. And then kind of leaning on her. And Carly's like, why will he not make any moves and so they kind of get a nervous boy yeah they kind of get up to go up the stairs to like call

it a night and then they do kiss finally uh and they both kind of say all right well good night and they kind of scamper away and evan says it was incredible and that there were fireworks he said there were butterflies and fireworks which he either then said four more times throughout the next episode and a half or they kept re-editing in that one and then we cut to carly and carly is telling sarah that it was terrible y'all i love carly um and i you know i still i still do she got pretty savage um she did and i was telling griffin some of the stuff she said kind of sounds like something like you know gal pals would say to each other if they were like on a really bad date or or if you were a person who was on a television show who was told to be and wanted to be memorable and entertaining you go too far i yeah i get that i mean if i apply that same but i will say everybody then it's it's it doesn't hold up but i will say carly carly this is not carly's first show she

knows better yeah she should have known i'm gonna say this stuff it's gonna be on air and it's gonna embarrass evan and make me look bad yeah he's bad. Yeah, he's like a real dude. He's like a real sensitive dude. Yeah, like a nice guy. He's a nice guy. He'd be hurt finding this out. He's got kids and his kids shouldn't have to see stuff like that. It's a bummer. Evan did do some genuinely kind of weird things on this date, we found out.

Only because of this after show thing, which is the only thing of value to come out of the after show. But Carly also also i want to point out uh did apologize afterwards on twitter or so i don't know if she apologized but she was like i went too far yeah like i appreciate that she says stuff like like i don't even know how this man has kids like yeah see that's rough suggesting that likeing that his sexual performance is so bad. And we all know, you can say what you want to say about Evan. His ding-dong works fucking super good.

He's got three kids. He's got three kids, but also he's like a... And he's an expert. He's an expert. I'm pretty good at video games because I cover them for a living, and I have for a decade. He does ding-dong stuff for a living. His ding-dong game is probably super on point.

I hope words of affirmation are his love language because i think that's a pretty good one um so at this point lace and grant have reconnected we have some scenes of them kissing on the beach um and then they decide to go back to a bedroom. Lace is telling us, the viewer, that Grant has a banging body. He does. You can't deny that. And they get in bed together and Lace has the smart idea to cover up the camera with a blanket, but it does not help because we get to hear everything that is happening in that room. And there,

which was in some, the captions were somehow more explicit than just like, if we had seen full, if there was full pin, penny, then like, they went as far as to identify who was moaning and when, and somehow the camera became uncovered or something and they were both still

fully dressed so I don't... Yeah, there was a suggestion that the blanket fell off post-act and then Lace looks like shocked and she points at the camera. I almost got into like a point where I was gonna start hypothesizing whether or not these two consenting

adults had sex or not. I really don't like where I'm at right now. Um, okay. Should we leave should we leave it at that for that day leave them alone to their bedroom acts so the next day and this is the shortest day ever in paradise because we get to spend a few seconds watching leah inflate a giant swan y'all some funny stuff has happened this this season so far in this buck wild television show that is bachelor in paradise this was the craziest thing i had ever seen because from a storytelling standpoint it'd be like what happened that day guys we have no footage for today we got leah

blowing up an inflatable toy and then it cuts to night yeah so we see leah inflating this giant swan and then proudly taking it to the beach as if look at this great thing i did and then the sun sets and it's nighttime it was in it was like i'm wondering if the whole cast got together and was like listen the whole rod thing that sucked none of us signed up for this you guys are going to give us one day where we just party for real and we don't have to worry about yeah filming us boning or whatever and and you know we'll have a cookout the crew can come it'll be great and they're like okay so that was just the day the earth stood still for the cast of bachelor in paradise and they actually had a great time yeah so that was it that was all we got to see for that day um and then it's time for the cocktail party before the rose ceremony did we skip nick and

amanda's date we did we vaulted right over it if you didn't take your notes it's fine it wasn't a very good day oh oh you know here's what i wrote here's what i wrote so they go to a bar um amanda talks about her big heart uh nick says he's attracted to big personality and amanda tries to affirm that that's what she has uh and it feels like a job interview it's super duper does uh because he's asking her questions she's responding very appropriately and there's a lot of like i'm having a great night me too i'm and then after it's over yeah amanda says it it's the best first date she's had. And that was a bummer. And they go to a bonfire and Nick says, quote, I love fires.

I love fires. I love watching fires. And that was all I wrote from that date. And then they kissed. There's a suggestion that they have a lot of chemistry, but there is nothing about... You sure the fuck didn't see it? It was the swan day of dates. Just like not a lot of good footage to come out of this one i would say less dramatic than the swan day yeah at least you had

some like there was one point where leah looked like really exhausted and frustrated got accomplished on that day yeah and also like a person like took on a project and stuck with it there was a whole arc like there was a while there where i was like that goose is not getting blown up and then leah gets back right back on the horse or the goose and she just like goes for it and then like you see her walking on the beach and she's holding the goose and she's and i'm like yes she did it and then she turns and looks up at the whole gang she says look everybody it's swan lake and i said that's a beach and then i said life's a beach and then i that was a good day it was a good day uh so it's a cocktail party before the rose ceremony um and carly is kind of running through who we think will end up with who so grant and lace her and evan um because despite

the fact that the kiss was not super good for her like there was a lot of like well it wasn't a good kiss but there's no reason to say no right now you know yeah she says the you know this year in paradise there haven't been a lot of connections right away so there's a lot of wild cards and one of those for example jubilee and emily are both into jared yeah um and so during the cocktail party uh sarah sets up a little more one-on-one time with vinny um and says you know i really enjoyed our time together last night. And Vinny says, oh, yeah, but there's this one thing I wish I would have done. And then he smooches her. And then Izzy, who has been spending time with Vinny also, steals Vinny away. And Izzy says that she wants validation.

And then Vinny smooches her, too. Put him in a straitjacket. Yeah, this is weird. I feel like Vinny and Izzy, they were kind of setting them out to be like, on Bachelor in Paradise, sometimes people meet episode one and you don't really think much of it.

And then in the last episode of it, they get married and are more in love than anybody who's ever been on the show before. That's what Jade and Tanner were kind of like. Jade and Tanner were like. I feel like actually that wasn't exactly episode one i feel like uh tanner had to work work for that i feel like there's some competition there oh that's true um there's a bit of a love triangle or perhaps a rhombus um but yeah and then i don't know i wasn't expecting

uh dj vincente to to uh go go smooch somebody else other than izzy although you know it's it's paradise baby uh so leah uh knows that she's kind of scrambling at this point so she's like well i know that nick wants someone who goes for what she wants um and then says all these kind of disparaging things about amanda just like, oh, well, I don't know about a man that would want that type of woman that already has kids. What did she say? She said something about moms being needy and dependent. Yeah.

And it's like, how do you not get it that bad? Like, how do you, I get being like like not at that place in your life or whatever but how can you be that detached from reality that you think that like having kids makes you needy and dependent and not like the opposite of that yeah now leah i mean le Leah has kind of a sad story in Paradise, and you're not really rooting for her either while she's having that story. But so Leah pulls Nick aside and makes it so much worse. Because she's like, yeah, you know, I just I know that you've been through this before, you know, and that this is this is all old hat for you. And Nick's like, oh, well, I mean, really only twice. And she's like, oh, but more times than you should have. And just like being very assertive. Just like, look at me, you know, like, look at me while I'm

talking to you. And she's like, you get nervous and you look away, Nick. And Nick's like, well, I'm just trying to figure out what to say. And you can tell that she's adopted this persona that she thinks he'll be attracted to. But it just, it's clumsy. Nick says, in no uncertain terms, I'm actually going to go with Amanda. Yeah, he's like, my initial thought is Amanda. So. Because her name's a palindrome and i just think that's so fun uh and then he gets up and walks away it would be if it was like a mama a mama that's exactly her name okay so leah who is ever resourceful goes immediately

to what she calls plan b and pulls daniel aside daniel should be nobody's plan b how did we get here i don't know long and winding road that led me to daniel it was his uh courtship of sarah he's so soft i want to take care of him. But he said some really heinous stuff. Oh, he definitely has. No, don't get me wrong. But it's coming from his softness. Okay. So Amanda has a similar, I'm sorry, not Amanda. Leah has a similar interaction with Daniel to the one that Izzy had where she's trying to connect with him. And so Leah is talking about how she has layers like an onion.

Or somehow the conversation turns towards many layers. Swear to God, Daniel starts quoting Shrek here. And Daniel says, oh, are you going to make me cry? And Leah's like, oh, no, no, no, no, no, no. And he's like, well, then you're not like an onion uh and then says that maybe if she has one layer she's more like an orange yeah she says like no it's just more to me under under like what you see on the outside he's like then you have one layer you're like an orange daniel that's you fucking beautiful mind. I love it.

And so Leah is like, you know, are you feeling this at all? Do you think something could happen between us? And Daniel's like, well, I saw you in your swimsuit the other day. And I was like, damn, girl. Beautiful. And so Leah tells us, the viewer, she says, you know, he's really, really awkward. But it doesn't matter if I get to stay. Because you don't get him.

And then we get a montage where Daniel's like, he tells us, Daniel's speed dating tonight. And we see him go talk to the twins. Talks to Jubes. Talks to Jubes, talks to Sarah. Just all over the place trying things out because the men get to give out the roses tonight and she wants to figure out he's really sweet with sarah which is and this this is where i i mentioned the ascent of of daniel um like he's actually genuinely like nice he's like i think you're the coolest girl here and i think we have a lot and you know in common we both seem like we're like on the same level it's like

daniel that's the first legitimate thing that you've said that didn't have some sort of bird metaphor in it yeah he seems really clumsy with everybody except sarah yeah with sarah he gets super smooth i wouldn't go that i wouldn't go that far he's super smooth in comparison he is very earnest he doesn't talk about onions we gotta get to this rose ceremony okay so grant gives a rose to lace uh nick gives a rose to amanda evan to carly jared uh picks emily and that there was sort of a tension point there of if he didn't give it to jilee, then Jubilee's probably gone. Yeah. So that means Haley gets to stay, because Emily was picked. Vinny chooses Izzy.

Not Sarah. There's another tension point there. And then Daniel says, you know, guys really, you know, save the best for last, and picks Sarah. Which means both Jubilee and Leah go home go home yeah um it's very very sad uh love jubilee again bright bright shining torch star star in my sky tonight really save this is just it's not the right format for not the right format for her but also her and leah did the same thing and this is where i want to talk about this oh okay of every fucking time that jared well i guess jared was only on the show last year but every person that every woman that came on the show was like god it gets up with

jared and they all went home every single woman went home and nick is like sort of the same idea of like this this hot hot commodity and if you go for somebody who's especially somebody who's like already kind of spoken for, you better play to win. Because if you don't, you're just sent home. And you've got to be careful with that first pick. Because if that first pick rejects you, everyone has seen you go for that first pick. And they know that your preference isn't really with them. And Jubilee was talking about before everybody had even gotten there, she was like, I'm only here for one guy.

Like, Jubes, no, you've got to open open yourself up to the process what if it had been you and daniel you don't know yeah you don't even know yeah now she never will uh so then after the rose ceremony uh josh arrives josh is from andy's season we talked a little bit about him last episode yeah um if you don't want to read andy's book there's like some excerpts out there which i didn't like when we mentioned on the show like i didn't know that andy had even written a book and then reading some of the excerpts like who boy holy shit there's some not great stuff in there vis-a-vis josh yeah from what i've seen josh was very possessive of her

said like if he did if she didn't post a i mean some of it's like uh upsetting like uh shouting her down at a a wedding and being uh generally uh emotionally abusive but some of it is like if she didn't post a man crush monday of him on instagram every monday like he would get pissed off about it which like we're laughing like in the in the in being a part of that relationship would have been a fucking genuine nightmare but that is like the most shit lord dude like behavior i can't even imagine well and nick and nick says you know there's some stuff about me in that book too and the stuff about me is true so i have to believe the stuff about josh is true too i think he says mostly true which is like kind of an

interesting confession because there's some not great stuff about nick and they're not about him being emotionally abusive per se but like hit the what nick did and it's important i guess that you know this, is he outed that they hooked up during the fantasy suites, I guess, is how it happened. It was the after the final rose. So Andy had just chosen Josh and they were engaged at this point. And then during the after the final rose,

he was like, I guess I have one question. And that is, why did you have sex with me in the fantasy suite and then not pick me? Which is like god the past few seasons it's been such a not like i feel like it hasn't been that big a deal that people have sex in the fantasy suites which i guess is a good thing in the long term but this this was like unprecedented and kind of grody i mean it's pretty grody behavior just like why did you why did you fuck me if you didn't want to marry me like doing this in a way to like embarrass her on this

on on this approach yeah and then immediately after that he goes on caitlin season and has sex with caitlin well before they even get to the fantasy suites like clearly he doesn't we don't which we don't give a shit about i know but clearly he doesn't. Which we don't give a shit about. I know, but clearly he doesn't have a problem with having sex before marriage. Yeah, it was a weirdly hyper-puritanical, like, thing for him to bust out. Anyway. It was weird. Yeah. So Josh arrives.

Since he is just arriving, he gets a date card. All the women are talking about how attractive he is. And then he kind of systematically starts pulling women away to talk to them uh nick seems kind of nervous and says you know we do have a history of being attracted to the same women referencing andy a lot of people there didn't put that together a lot of people they were like oh shit that was you yeah that was you too on andy season holy shit yeah um and then um josh starts talking to amanda which is the woman that nick's excited about uh and they're talking about amanda's kids and her daughters and josh says that he has no daughters yet oh man i have no he does he says i have no daughters. But he does. He says, I have no daughters. And then in the next breath says, but I do have a dog that has had cancer.

And we just had her leg removed and she's doing great now. And it's like, that's very, that's the saddest thing I could imagine. But not even, what are you talking about? I don't have daughters, but I have a very sick dog. What? It was almost like currency. Like, I see that you have something that you're serious about and shows that you're a serious person. I also have a serious thing.

It is this dog. Let me tell you about it. Which, okay. All right. But it felt clumsy. And so then Josh decides to amanda out on the date and nick is not super happy because josh never went to nick and said hey is this okay amanda never came to him and said hey is this okay uh daniel picks up on this daniel's like how you doing nick and sweet daniel and nick says i'm dealing with it daniel which i enjoyed is is uh uh so josh and amanda get to go on a yacht date

um and they're on the yacht uh amanda brings up the book that andy wrote And this is when Josh says that he was depicted in a false way that is a fictional story and that it is full of lies and egregious things. And then Amanda apologizes for even bringing it up and tells us the viewer that she believes

that he gave a good answer. Grape job, everybody. Here's the grape job sticker. It goes right on the report card, everybody. Here's the grape job sticker. It goes right on the report card, ABC. It reminded me a lot of when JoJo confronted Robbie about the tabloids. And Robbie was just like, you know, this terrible thing happened to me. This woman did this thing. And I just, you know, it's really unfortunate.

And then Jojo's like oh my gosh i'm so sorry and and josh also does this thing he does it a couple times um throughout these this two episode arc where he's just like i don't know why you should depict me but you know god knows the truth and just like you know i'm just following just following god it's like that has not that's like you talking about your your, your sick dog, when Amanda talks about her dog. It's like, it has nothing to do with any... That's the most, like, transparent. Like, this book, Andy wrote about it.

I saw you two on television, and you got engaged on television. I did see that. And she did write in the book about all this horrible shit you did. He's like, psh, yeah, but, I mean, just shit you did he's like yeah but i mean just following god it's like josh what are you talking about yeah to be clear like you know he can feel how he feels about it but he could have just done a classy thing and been like you know it was a messy breakup it was public uh it was uncomfortable and i have regrets and i'm sure she does too you know just something very kind of middle of the road.

But no, it was like, she's a sick person with a sick mind that misremembers how good I am. Yeah, a fictional story. But anyway, they snorkel, and they have a good time. And they do a lot of smooching yeah um meanwhile we get intercuts of nick on the beach by himself just looking sad like skipping rocks um and then um then we cut back to the other tortured love story which is evan and carly uh so evan is very excited about carly he's still kind of luxuriating in their date i should good that's a really good gerund i should mention we didn't talk so right after the kiss there's this scene where evan's back in his room it's before he's

laying in bed it's immediately before carly reveals like that it was bad and she didn't like and he's kind of gingerly just stroking his chest with his hands nothing about that i do that all the time just kind of rubbing his fingers across his ribs just just smiling to himself about how great that kiss was um and so the next day he's kind of still in that glow and he says a sentence that i wrote down he says love is a connection you choose every day it's been one day though my boy it's been the one day though yeah uh so he's he's in it super deep and then this is when carly really starts to kind of start trashing evan says you know brother's told me to stop dating feminine guys. She said her first boyfriend turned out gay and something along the lines of,

it looks like it's happened again. And it's like, yo, Carly, pump the brakes on that shit. All of this is a precursor to Evan getting a date card and immediately asking Carly to go on it. Yeah. And Carly is telling us that she's not excited at all. The date card stuff is absolutely, crabsolutely the Bachelor producers watching what people are saying and watching what's happening.

And then, like, deploying those to particular recipients to, like, add to the drama. to particular recipients to like add to the drama so if you if you're tangled up in something rest assured you're going to end up either getting a date card or getting asked out on a date the dates are always the dates in paradise are especially low budge and kind of thrown together like they they don't seem as wildly orchestrated as bachelor bachelorette so you know that they can kind of at the drop of a hat switch people in just switch people in and drop them into like accentuate i also think that the people they send in and when they send them in and potentially depending on how tinfoil hat you want to get about it who they tell them to like go after also is dictated by what is actually happening in real

time in the house because how could it be like two people are having a love affair and then somebody's like, I hope nothing happens to break it up. And then a person shows up instantly right then and says, I am here for this person who you just said that about. Yeah. So are you saying that the new people that come in as the season progresses are deployed? Oh, okay. So they're all waiting in the wings. Manchurian candidates. as the season progresses are deployed? Oh, okay.

So they're all waiting in the wings. Manchurian candidates. And they're like, Josh, go, go, go, go. Who do you want me to go for, Dad? Chris Harrison just like tips his fedora up. A mamma. I'm the only one saying her name right. Go make out with a mamma.

Go make out with a mamma. So the date between Evan and Car carly is it was so bad guys is so so sad they they're walking out into what i'm guessing they assume is going to be like a restaurant or maybe a live concert and they enter this group of people screaming and chris harrison and a and a woman uh standing around and as soon as that crowd appeared i actually stood up and walked away from the tv which i think is the first time it's happened to me watching this show in a while um it's like an actual involuntary response i have sometimes to things that make me i thought you were going to do something no i literally just got up and went into the kitchen.

And it's because they could not have picked two worse people to spring this big crowd of people, of love spectators on. So I believe it was Sean Lowe's season where they did a Guinness Book of World Records challenge. They had to do the

longest kiss. Yes. So when Chris Harrison said, said we're gonna go for a world record today i immediately thought of that date the world's longest on-screen kiss which is something ghoulish like seven minutes long yeah which i would love to know what tv show had that record before the bachelorette because the bachelorette is popcorn is trash corn like of course they would get something like that what would what was there an episode of like chicago hope or just two characters just like kissed uninterrupted from one commercial to the

other no it wasn't it wasn't chicago hope uh it was actually according to jim it rules if you want to date my teenage jim um so so then i have a moment of relief it was dinosaurs the sweet life of zach and cody sweet life and zach and cody and it's like who Like, who? What? Her? Her? Who? Me? Which one? It was who? Which one of us is it then? Out with it then. Me or her? Which was the TV show spinoff of the Mary-Kate and Ashley movie. It was Zach and Cody, Mary-Kate and Ashley, and Kenan and Kel.

It's a big crossover. It was really good, though. Such a good show. So then I felt a moment of relief because they're just gonna eat some really hot peppers and i was like oh cool just hot peppers um but then after they eat the peppers they have to kiss uh for at least 90 seconds which is that's not no i'm sorry that's just not a record nobody's ever said like okay, we'll eat peppers and kiss for 90 seconds, then we'll break a record.

Was it longest on-screen kiss while people had spicy produce in their mouths? That's a really, really esoteric category. Yeah, how would you even search that? Like if you flip to the index, how would you get to that? Longest on-screen kiss between two people comma peppers who are holding an egg in their butts each holding a egg in their butt and this is the hard-boiled category if it's a soft-boiled egg that's a whole different category it definitely affects how long the kiss can be on screen okay what about like a raw egg

would that even be possible longest on-screen kiss from two people who also had a full-size original game boy in their mouths let's see let's go back and look it looks like this record is 45 seconds and it was season one of er? That show ran for so long. What a weird sort of foundation for it to be built on. Yeah, actually, next time you see an interview with George Clooney, see if they bring that up.

What about the scene where you put the full-size Game Boy, OG first-gen Game Boy in your mouth and you and Moira Downey? No. Who is the woman? Moira Tierney.

Moira Tierney kissed each Game Boyed up. Uh-huh. And then they beat the level of Mario that they were on. The level of Mario. Got all the coins. So far into the episode. So they, at first, first i think carly's gonna run out of this room she's gonna just run out of here she's gonna come up with an excuse and run but no she and evan both eat the peppers and they do the kiss for a minute and 41 seconds

and uh when they pull guys when they pull away there is a very long string of saliva between them. So long and sinewy that another couple went on a zip lining date on it. Oh, perfect. If you zoom in, you can actually see Christian and Sarah just like, wee! Always slightly less surreal than what Griffin just said actually what happens is a mime

comes out not of their mouths but a mime comes onto the platform where they are and there's a burst of confetti and there's acrobats and it just guys but and there's acrobats. And it just...

Guys. But this is why we bachelor. No, it's true. This is the wild hot garbage that I love. Because why? It's absurd. And I don't mean that in like a... I'm not using that term lightly.

It is absurdist art. Yeah. No, it was beautiful. It was a beautiful moment. They both immediately run to separate bathrooms. Which I thought was, you know, funsy fun editing. Apparently.

No, Carly actually got very sick. Carly got very sick. Let's drop that in here because we saw this was the segment that we saw during the- After Paradise. After Paradise. And Carly was like full-blown yartzing and a nurse or a and like a medical uh uh attendant was with her uh putting some like cold packs on her and she was like evan i don't mean to

be rude but can you just leave me alone and let me be sick and i was like yeah and then we get like a long shot of Evan just like standing on the beach, looking up into the chamber where she is. And then he walks back up and takes the pads, the cooling pads off of her and like sort of leans in over her, which Carly was not a fan of.

Cause how do you, that's not a good time to be romantic. Yeah, apparently she was just, you know, I mean, you know how it is when you, when you get really sick, like she's very hot and sweaty and uncomfortable and he wants to be comforting and he does that by putting his that is the most selfish urge though when you're when you are sick my lovely wife i've been married to for just who even knows how long nobody does i leave you alone yeah like go to the store and get you supplies and check and make sure you're all right and tend to you but that that like i gotta be right next to you touching you the whole time

softly massaging that's a that's a you thing that's not a them thing there have been oh i'll just say maybe once or twice um separate occasions where griffin has been very sick during our relationship just maybe one just maybe one or two times this month uh and i do a favor for griffin and then i act like i don't hear anything at all horrible sounds uh and that's the nicest thing you can do for somebody that's that's a relationship tip from rachel mcelroy um so so that's their date. And it's miserable. And shortly after, I think Carly decides, I need to... After saying a few more super mean things, like, he gives me erectile dysfunction.

So at this point, Jubilee is gone. And Jared picked Emily at the rose ceremony so emily and jared are trying to kind of get to know each other and they are laying on one of the kind of beach beds i don't know what you call those things little beach bed pavilion cabana yeah um and they are literally going through uh their favorite numbers and colors hers is 13, Jared's is 15. They both like blue. Both blue fans. As I recall.

So Emily tells us, the viewer, that she's waiting on Jared to make a move and that she has all these kind of tricks up her sleeve. I love these. I was a big fan of this segment. So she says one thing is obviously you treat what he's saying as if it is a wonderful thing you compliment a lot uh you turn your body towards him uh and you find

kind of a reason to get close to him she identifies a bug in their proximity and crawls all over him in response to that bug uh and then finally after doing all that they they do kiss yeah it's sweet it was it was it's sweet it was kind of sweet it felt real juvenile to me though yeah so what this whole fucking project is juvenile that's fair that's fair um and i had to do something similar to get you to kiss me. That's absolutely true. You said, Griffin, pretend you see a bug. I was like, what? What?

What are you talking about? Turn your body towards me. Jesus, you're being very direct. Tell me all your favorite colors in order. What's your favorite number? I don't know, 20 or 21. That's right. Josh and Amanda get back from their date uh their yacht date and uh

nick talks to josh and says hey just so you know like i was super into amanda and josh is like cool you know and he's kind of like whatever i'm not doing anything about that. And Nick talks about how Josh is super obnoxious. And Josh is kind of unapologetic and immediately kisses Amanda in front of everybody and Nick and kind of declares his claim on her. And I know you're only using the parlance of the show, but the whole like, the show is now doing a thing of Nick

versus Josh again, because the show is only allowed to have three storylines for the whole fucking franchise throughout the fullness of time. But like, it wasn't until I forget, I think it was actually Leah in this after show thing they were

all asking like who their favorite couples were so far and she was like oh it's josh and amanda they're like really josh not nick and she's like yeah because like amanda likes josh it's like yeah has anybody checked with amanda who she would like to kiss no No, that's true. Because no, let me answer. No, you didn't. Ever. Not one time. That's very true, yeah. Because my girl, and you took her. Well, she likes me, not you.

Because I'm the kiss, I'm the better kiss man. Oh, you lost. I'm the bigger eagle. Yeah, the only thing, and this may be happening off screen, is there seems to be no point where Amanda goes to Nick and says, Hey, I'm really kind of into Josh now. And you're a good guy, but it's not going to happen between us. I think that would have kind of closed the loop.

But they make it seem like that never happened. Who gives a shit? It's paradise. People are going to smooch. People are going to smooch. No, that's true. It's not called bachelor in contractually that's like they're there together on this beach for i don't know a month maybe yeah i guess so

it would be nice to say something anyway next episode oh yeah we made it tonight's episode can we move so fast through it yes uh so daniel now that he is rod free daniel seems to really uh thrive on a bromance so he's kind of taken up nick this is this is very good which is sweet oh and i will say at the end of last episode there's this nice moment with daniel and the twins that's kind of fun, where they're commenting on his pec muscles. And counting a six-pack. Yeah. It's good.

It's a cute moment. But, yeah, Daniel's kind of pot-stirring a little bit with Nick, trying to figure out how he feels about this whole Josh thing. But it just seems like the two of them are having a really really strong fun connection which is nice to watch uh daniel and uh sarah are spending more and more time together and sarah tells us that she's uh intrigued by him uh which is a good way to describe daniel's i think we're all at this point we're all very intrigued by Daniel, what he brings to the table. So then we've got a new person in paradise, and the new person is Christian.

Which you didn't remember why I loved Christian so much, and it's because his three goals are to meet and impress Mark Cuban, to spoil his his grandchildren and go into space. He wants to be on a spaceship calling Mark Cuban on his phone while PayPal-ing his grandkids thousands and thousands of dollars. Just saying like, what's up now, Mark Cuban? I'm on Pluto. I just made it a planet again. You impressed?

I love my kids, my grandkids. Christian was on Jojo's season just recently in case you forgot him he's he was here a month ago um so christian christian does the kind of the etiquette thing where he goes to the guys and says hey is anybody coupled up uh josh says i've got amanda great uh daniel mentions that he's kind of into sarah um but he doesn't he doesn't put like a real a real strong hold on her he doesn't say like hey i'm like i'm a super vulnerable super soft boy and i need griffin to protect me and i like really really am i think i'm in love with sarah and it's the first time i felt feelings like this in my whole life and I really am excited to explore

which you should have said including me protecting him so Christian talks to some women and decides that Sarah is the one that he wants to take on the date and Sarah kind of gives him the impression that she's open to it because she says you know I'm just here to have fun

and meet someone and so it seems like She's open to it because she says, you know, I'm just here to have fun and meet someone. And so it seems like, you know, it seems like she's open to going on this date. She hasn't made a decision on Daniel yet. So Christian asks her and they go on this adventure date that involves not just multiple zip lines, but also rappelling. It involves not just multiple zip lines, but also repelling. And then there's water and there's helmets. And it's just a big adventure date. And they seem to have a very good time.

You know, helmets, man. It's a fucking adventure. Just here's an adventure put on a helmet over and over and over again. I like Christian. He's a very sweet man. Yeah, Christian's really into Sarah, like a really good time with her says that are like her confidence is really sexy and they do some makeouts and kisses. And it seems like things are going well,

but he did. And he did like sort of step into my favorite romance on the show. So I will, I will begrudge him that you're not, you're not fans of Vinny and Izzy. No, think it's no i think it's fine i just they've gotten no screen time whatsoever and they're not gonna get like a date unless they date the whole time it's like jade and tanner jade and tanner man yeah um so carly uh at this point, wakes up day after the pepper date and decides she's going to tell Evan. She doesn't want to lead him on.

This is one of the most mature things that's happened in the show. And this was one part that actually the producers tried to interfere with that maturity by cutting in, like, the, how should I phrase this? By cutting in things that they had said previously on the last episode to make it sound like they were saying them again. So Evan was like when I think of Carly I just get butterflies and explosions and it's like that's what he said the last time either he just keeps it

and then literally just like Carly saying Evan gives me erectile dysfunction so unless she's like using her own joke like trying to catchphrase it out and being like super shitty about it, or way more likely the producers are just like editing these things in and not showing them saying them. Yeah, I mean, it's, you know, this is maybe, I don't know. Do you think they've been there four days at this point very long at all yeah so there's no way in which she's been leading him on you know and but she she wants to do the responsible thing and cut it off and she leaves no ambiguity uh and says to

him i want to be your friend i'm not romantically interested in dating you. You know, I don't feel the chemistry I was expecting to feel. And I didn't know that until our date last night. I mean, there's... And then says, well, obviously, that is very hurtful. And now I'm going to go up... Yeah, he's like, that's tough. This is hard to hear.

I'm going to go upstairs now. And she says, okay. And that's it. Yeah. It's like the most mature breakup. For both of them. Both of them. I mean, good on Evan for not like doing the thing that literally every person has done on this show when somebody breaks up with them, which is just like either irrational anger or just making a fucking twist in the wind for how dare you not like me just making

them feel awful about not liking them yeah and make them feel guilty for not like no he doesn't turn it back on her no he's just like i'm gonna go angry i would like to go away and she says okay yeah and it shows him go back to his room and he's he seems to seriously be thinking well you know i thought it was her it's not her should. Should I stay or should I leave? Is there anybody left for me? And he kind of marinates on that for a little while. And so then it's time for somebody else to arrive. And a man walks up to Chris Harrison, who is there to greet him.

And this is Brandon from Desiree's season. And even Chris Harrison refuses to acknowledge that he is at all familiar. Is this the deepest pull that they've done? I don't think so, because I think I remember Brandon. No, but for this season of Bachelor in Paradise, this is... Oh, back to Des? Is that the oldest? Back to Des. I think so, right? Well, was Des... No, Des was this season of Bachelor in Paradise, this is... Oh, back to Dez? Is that the oldest? Back to Dez. I think so, right?

Well, was Dez... No, Dez was on Sean's season, and Sarah is from Sean's season. Right? Yes. Because we thought Dez and Sean had a big connection, and then nothing happened with them, and then Dez got her own... I can't keep it. I just can't keep it straight, babe.

Anyway, I think... And then Carly. Who even knows what season Carly was on? Juan Pablo season, maybe? I think Juan Pablo. God, I just don't know. Is that possible? Yeah.

No? No. It's not important. It's not important. Okay. Okay. So, so I think I remember Brandon from Des' season.

I think Brandon had kind of a sad story and had a connection, but then it fizzled out quickly. But he told Chris Harrison that he might be most memorable because he wore a thong in the Soulja Boy video, which as Rosebuddies fans know. Yeah, you probably know that song better than anybody else in the soldier boy video which which is our theme song as rosebuddies fans know yeah you probably know that song better than anybody else in the whole world other than maybe brandon who probably like hears it in his head every time he goes to sleep at night brandon also in the third episode of des's season told her that he was falling in love with her and she summarily sent him packing um so carly is excited to see brandon um she doesn't recognize him but she does realize that brandon was on the same season that her brother was on because in case you didn't know

yeah carly's brother zach was also a contestant on desa season so carly thinks hey this is my chance to find a gentleman uh so she talks to brandon for a while um brandon also talks to Brandon for a while. Brandon also talks to Haley, and Brandon ends up picking Haley. Yes, which Carly's very upset about. She says, this is not a good season for me. And it's hard to feel, you know, Carly, you're still a good audience surrogate, but I think you're kind of mean to Evan.

Yeah. And now this is just some dramatic irony. There's a point when you've been around the franchise long enough that people start to view you less as a romantic option and more as just like a... A character. Yeah, like an alumni. Yeah.

You know, kind of like, oh, look, it's you. I've seen you before yeah you know uh so hayley gets to go on the date with brandon uh meanwhile emily is back um having one beer and apparently getting kind of drunk which is funny for everybody yeah emily emily just she just like gets real like friendly and goofy and they all braid her hair and talk about how great she is. Yeah. So Daniel is still kind of smarting from Christian's date with Sarah and breaks out some Danielisms, saying, you know, the male birds are swooping down for scraps, which scraps. Come on, Daniel, you're better than that.

But and and Daniel says, you know, but I'm going to come in like an eagle going in for the kill, which which is hilarious because he then proceeds to romance Sarah under one of those cabanas with some some chocolate covered strawberries and champagne and then he opens up about how he feels like nobody really gets him and how uncomfortable he is around people and how he feels like lonely all the time uh and it's like wow yeah bud going in for the kill that eagle. I just feel like nobody really understands me, and I feel isolated because of it. Going in for the kill. Daniel's brand of kind of clueless humor really tickles Sarah, and it's hard not to be kind of charmed by it. So when they're walking into this cabana uh sarah's like oh did you do this for me and daniel's like oh i paid some local it's really cute it's like okay let's talk about

daniel because i feel like we're gonna get some shit for double standard i know like because rod said rough shit too but like i a i don't think daniel said anything that rough i think his is coming from a place of absolute insecurity. Because that first episode, like, he was being gross. He was like, although there's some, said something like rotten fruit, and he was waiting for fresh produce or some. Oh, yeah.

But I mean, I think that is more to say more about Daniel's mastery of illusion and metaphor and simile than it is about like the content of his character but there really is like a there's a certain goofiness to him that and it is who he is like he is a goofy he's just like a goofy dude and it's not like a guy who is cruel or like exceedingly selfish who uses goofiness as like a mechanism to disarm people so that they can get away with shit like i honest to god buy into the fact that daniel's just a a huge goober yeah and and that is why i don't sense like an inch of malice

and m yeah i don't think he has a lot of experience with women. It doesn't seem like he's comfortable or knows how to talk to women. It seems like he says a lot of things that he's heard or that he thinks are things that people say. And Sarah seems to get that. She's like,

you know, he's just really weird and I'm surprised that I feel the way that I do about him. But yeah, she seems really torn between Daniel and Christian at this point. And it's just kind of like, you know, Christian seems perfect for me in almost every way. But then Daniel seems, you know, like somebody that is fun and funny and surprises me. This is like, man, this is why we Bachelor. I'm being genuine this time because this is the kind of narrative that only this show can do.

This is the story and the character arc that only this show can pull off. And it's genuinely like it's sweet it's weirdly very sweet and i'm sure i say this in the next episode he comes out and like does something horrible that's what's so risky about daniel i know but like in this moment it's sweet and it was a moment that like you and i were just like oh and in the in the roast buddies group like everybody was like i'm daniel my boy daniel i want to adopt him and i want to wrap him up in a blanket and just hold like that's the kind of stuff that only this show can do and it's such a bummer that like it it has moved kind of away

from that direction i know i know because i'm happy with this i don't need i don't need anything crazy with the stuff that's happening these two yeah uh so two more eventful things happen that are worth mentioning um so hayley goes on the date with brandon they they decide to do a switcheroo uh they parent trap him but good yeah hayley says oh let's see if if brandon's really into me let's do a switch and see if he can tell the difference. Because Brandon's bragging. He's like, I can tell you apart. Yeah, Brandon's like, you know, I really, I specifically like you, Haley.

You're the one that I want. Uh-oh. Thank you. Rachel literally looked up at me like, come on. And, yeah, and so they're having a date. It seems to be going okay, although Haley clearly isn't super psyched or else she wouldn't have done this to Brandon, I'm assuming. Yeah, it seems like a mean thing to do to her. So yeah, so they're at the table.

Haley gets up. Emily sits down in her place in the outfit she was wearing. Brandon says, hey, let's go take a walk uh they go out on the balcony brandon talks about what a great time he's having and then seems to be positioning himself for a kiss emily kind of quickly she says like i don't i don't do that on first date i'll take a kiss on the cheek you never figure it out and unless i looked away and missed it they never reveal their ruse no which is like that's actually weirdly Machiavelli I know just gonna hang Haley tells the viewer she's kind of like well I don't I

don't know what to do now because Brandon didn't notice there is no exit strategy there now in their defense in in Brandon's defense I've been watching the show for a very long time and I really I hope this is not an awful thing to say, but I cannot tell them apart either. I know. Brandon has... You know when... So when Emily came and sat down, I felt like maybe they... No, you have no way of having being unbiased about that. Their speech or their teeth are a little different. There was something...

I was looking at her mouth and I was listening and it seemed... Because you knew to look because you knew it was a different person. I know. This was like the only day this person has known the the emily and hailey um so like i it's it's kind of fucked up like there's no way he would have disrespectful towards twins so i apologize um but if i were a twin i would like do my hair a little different you know this last time sports sports mary k business ashley or maybe reverse that i'm not sure who can keep them straight and they just they they do the exact

same thing with their hair and wear very similar clothes and it's difficult yeah uh and so so the next they don't wear a sweater with an e an e and an h on it and it's like come on guys they don't wear name tags one of them doesn't wear glasses. Yeah. So the next thing that happens, we see Evan kind of psyching himself up. He knows that he has to get back out there if he wants to stay because the women have the roses. So we keep cutting back and forth between Evan trying to figure out who am I going to approach? Who makes the most sense? I know who I'm going to approach. It's going to be Amanda.

And then we cut to Amanda making out with Josh. And then we cut back to Evan and Evan's putting on cologne. And he's writing out a little date card for Amanda. And then we cut back to Amanda and she's making out with Josh. And then we cut back to Evan and Evan's writing on the date card, Evan, you deserve love, take Amanda to the tree house. And then kind of patting himself on the back for acknowledging that he deserves love. And then we cut back to Amanda and Amanda's making out with Josh. And so Evan's kind of psyched up and he's decided he's going to go for it. He's walking up to them, making out.

And he's like, you know what? I'm just going to do it. And then we get a big to be continued. And then based on that, let's not get too deep into it because we've been going so long. But it seems like things do not go super great. No, Josh is not receptive to Evan's interjection. Yeah. But I would love to hear what Amanda thinks, though.

But unfortunately, we don't get any time to figure that out with her. Hopefully at some point Amanda will start speaking to the camera. We'll say anything. Hopefully she will say something and let us know how she feels about anything. I would like that. Let's just burn down, like seriously, two minutes. Okay. Because we've talked, I feel like we've broken out the most salient details of the after show.

And to be quite frank, I don't want to talk about anymore i don't even want to watch the after show anymore like i think maybe we can just say sort of carte blanche right now like we're just not going to watch and talk about anymore because it was fucking soul crushing first of all chris harrison usually hosts the after show and you usually get some clips you don't get to see during the episodes. And sometimes there'll be some cool celebrities on it. All of this makes it fun. Chris Harrison was not hosting this one, which I like to think he did intentionally.

But he probably just had a conflict. Instead, it was a woman they've had host before. I can't remember her name. I can't remember her name i can't remember her name she's actually like a pretty funny person yeah no she's well usually usually her she was there with sean low who was sean low who we usually like of sean and katherine yeah he was he's one of our favorite couples that have come out of this show and he's he's usually been like a fairly so like we dude. Jubilee was on. Leah was on.

Sarah was on. Jubilee, you're a torch. You're a beautiful light. You're a beautiful shining star. You were chewing roast beef or something for the first five minutes that you were on the camera. And it made me really, really uncomfortable. So Jubilee was on first. And they were talking to her.

And she was just being super real and they asked her about Rod and she was like, I don't think Rod should be on the show anymore. He's like, he's like an abusive dude. Like she was every time they asked her anything, uh, cause she was on the couch the entire hour. Like she would drop some like truth about, about Rod. Um, that was like yeah god's fucking somebody here she acknowledged what we kind of assumed which is she had no idea that rod was as disturbed as he

was until she watched the show and was like oh oh yeah this this guy has a lot of serious problems. She just sort of played the whole thing like she just didn't think the dude should be there because the dude was there. The dude was there for like most of it. The problem with after Paradise was that they brought Rod out and then they tried to make his, what they seem to define as antics, seem cute and fun.

And they kept giving him opportunities to apologize or explain himself. co-hosts were just like every time he would have half-heartedly apologize while still blaming his shit on other people they would be like wow that was you know that was a nice moment um despite the fact that rod would be so they bring out they bring out uh they bring out rod and rod like talks for a while about his shit and how he's a victim of, you know, everybody, of Lace turning it on him. And, like, he thought Lace was on. This is the crazy shit. Like, they tried to make it seem like it was a he said, she said thing. Like, to the point where they had Rod out first and Rod was just like, yeah, you know, I thought Lace was on my team. And she just, like, went behind my back.

And it was just like, then I felt like I couldn't say, like, everybody was telling me what I couldn't say. And it's like, that's fine, dude. You told Sarah to suck a dick. Yeah. And, like, how is that, like, how is that Lace's fault? Yeah. And, but then Sean and the other co-hosts were just like, yeah, well, let's get Lace out here and hear her side of the story.

Her side of the story? fucking her side of the story what are you talking about it's more of this show like trying to play this off like this is the usual like conflicts that happen on this show when it's super duper duper wicked not yeah they like they know it's not or else they wouldn't be still be talking to rod they still they wouldn't have rod be this like folk hero if they didn't know that like he had gone above and beyond like what shit people usually get up to on this show. Yeah, that's that's the thing. They're treating it like it's any other conflict they've ever had on the show. And it's definitely, definitely not. We have watched years of this show now.

And this is definitely different. years of this show now and this is definitely different and then to bring lace out there as like a time for you two to just really squash this thing meet face to face and and lace to to her credit like held her own and was like yeah no like there was this gross moment where they were like lace does rod deserve another chance uh and and lace is like, no, absolutely not. And they're like, well, but you got a second chance. And Lace is like, no. No. That's super duper not the same thing.

And after the last commercial break, Sean mentioned, like, I'm picking up some sexual tension here. Shut the fuck up, dog. Yeah. Sean! Yeah. Sean! Yeah, I felt, the whole thing felt really uncomfortable. And then they bring Sarah out, and Rod finds a way to somehow blame Sarah. Rod apologizes. He's like, you know, I apologize on Twitter.

And they, like, Sean showed him the tweets that he did. He's like, you know, I apologize on Twitter. And they, like, Sean showed him the tweets that he was like, I shouldn't have said that thing. That was fucked up about her being a one-armed B-word. And then showed the very next tweet, which was like, but it was hilarious though, right? It's the exact, and then he apologized.

He was like, I do apologize, but Sarah was following me around the whole time, telling me what I couldn't say well obviously it didn't stick you fucking dick yeah um and and so sarah accepts his apology and then starts to kind of try and talk about more of what happened and what has happened since. And they kind of cut her off and are like, well, let's not ruin this nice moment. Yeah.

Like that was really a nice moment between you and Rod. And let's, let's go ahead and call that. I don't want to talk. Then they asked Rod to get off set, which felt like weird. They kept doing this thing where they were like, we're really going to take him to task on some of the things.

Oh, but you know him, but seriously seriously you shouldn't do that i'm fucking spencer what's his face yeah spencer pratt hills it was just like you know man it's just that like it's that military humor you wouldn't get it jubilee active military sitting right the fuck there like yeah alex and luke both veterans like no dog just this whole thing was a parade when before we we tuned into abc like 10 minutes before and entertainment weekly i guess or extra who the fuck knows who's on before and they were like interviewing rod like here's some talks about you getting a spinoff show and i heard that and i was like if that if that happens if abc does a spinoff show for chad we can't like yeah you just said his name again oh no well that was i think that's our first one we've done so well it's because we've been going for

the full calendar month on this episode yeah one had to sneak in eventually um they said rod we heard you're getting a spinoff show and it's like if that abc if you do that like i don't think i'm gonna watch the show anymore and then rose buddies will probably become like a quantum leap fan cast or something oh my god griffin don't tease me i'm only half joking like people have started watching this franchise because of this podcast if they get like if they if they did that that would be so horrible and i sort of like said like oh that's just rod being rod you know lion to boost boost his personal brand this hour of television was so pro rod in a way that like the the show hasn't necessarily been up to this

point where the two where the two hosts were doing everything in their power to get him off the hook for everything he said and did and trying to make it sound like it was a two-sided thing like that's inarguable they were trying to make this sound like it was a two-sided thing which is bananas no abc is really trying to manipulate the audience right now into thinking um because they recognize i feel feel like ABC recognizes now, oh, not only is Rod an awful person, but he's making us as a network look bad. And the only way we can think to address this is to keep bringing him on

and making it seem like it's this big joke. And then maybe everybody will think it's a big joke and they'll stop blaming us as a network. I don't even think they're that self-aware. I think they are thinking this dude's good ratings and if we could do a show with him every Wednesday night. Like, that's because I'm sure it's true. But he's also fucking, like, I can't imagine watching this show in good conscience if they embrace him to that degree or even to the degree that they did.

Like, I'm not going to watch this fucking after show again. That's for sure because it was a miserable hour. I keep thinking it's over. I keep thinking, surely that's it. Like, surely that's it. Surely tonight was the last night and he keeps appearing again. And I don't, I mean, I don't know.

I can't confidently say anymore that that was the last we've seen of him and somehow they're getting grosser about him the two sides argument treatment tonight was that like i don't i don't get how you watched that one episode or how you make that one episode of bachelor in paradise and said like well but let's see your inside of this story no no there is no other side of the story yeah lace lace gave a really kind of clear concise explanation of kind of what happened because they started to say oh well lace really did kind of turn it on you. What was that about? And Lace is like, I recognize my behavior was gross and I decided to stop. And when I decided to stop, he kind of continued.

And they show footage of her trying to kind of confront Rod and say, hey, you need to do something about this. Like Lace drew from her own experience and said, like, I've been this person on this show before. And it's it's not great. And I don't want to be this person again. She just she was really classy and composed. And, and it was just sad to act as if it was a like an even debate between the two um that was giving him way more way more courtesy than he deserved there but there is no like even if she hadn't been classy like there's no there's no bad thing she could have like even, I know, I know. Even if she'd really genuinely, I don't know, let him on just to manipulate him or toy with him or whatever, there's no fucking justification for what that dude... No, I know.

We've gone so much longer than two minutes, and I feel guilty because the last thing I want to do is talk about this guy, but I don't even give a shit about the dude anymore. Because I know there's going to be a day, or at least I have this hope in my heart that there will be a day where we don't talk about him during this podcast anymore because it's a fucking bummer.

The bigger bummer is ABC is just like no holds barred abc has like no self-awareness about like what a rat bag this dude is and not only that now seems to be like doing pr for him yeah that's a good way of putting it and why because if you're if you i swear to god like i have no more i have no more like patience in me for this dude i genuinely don't know i genuinely don't know what to do about it if he like rolls up next season of the bachelorette like nick did like i'm not gonna watch i don't want to watch that about it if he like rolls up next season of the bachelorette like nick did

like i'm not gonna watch i don't want to watch that man i even think about that there's so many ways there's so many ways they brought back much lesser like characters than rod and used them over and over again like that's what i'm that's what bums me out now. We do this podcast about it, so we're invested in it that way. But this is also a TV show that you and I first started watching when we were dating. We've watched this show for a super long time, and it is breaking bad in such a miserable way. And I tweeted stuff along these lines tonight, and I had lots of fairly condescending people saying, it's always been this bad. You have no you just had to you just had your you know you just didn't realize the facade like no guys trust yeah like remember chris bukowski for example chris bukowski used to

be like what a villain what no he would show up all the time and people didn't like him and he drank too much and he was the villain and he kept coming back and everybody's like oh that guy um but in the last scenes in bachelor in paradise the villain was joe and he was a villain because he was like kind of an aggressive guy i guess and and kind of a rat bag uh but mostly because he had worked it out with another woman who was going to be there that they were both going to be there and they should hook up once they get there and everybody was so incensed about that that was the villainy not yeah not this not this so anyway thanks for listening to the bachelor podcast i hope we're not just fucking constant downers constantly but yeah i hate it like i hate i i

don't like being that either but like i, I'm genuinely worried about this show. Yeah. And I think that's what we're trying to get across when we talk about this stuff. Obviously, it's gross and Griffin and I don't condone any of this behavior, but it's also like watching a show that you really care about self-destruct and make choices that make you feel bad as a viewer for enjoying it as much as you used to tragically is also like oh we have so many so many of our fields are are gone fallow because unreal has made some choices this season and yeah fucking ato is like

gone completely off the rails. Yeah. Yeah, it's not. We don't have a. Not a lot of great summer television happening right now. If it weren't for Stranger Things, I think we'd just like sell that boob tube. You know what I mean? This has been the Ten Commandments of podcasts. How long have we been recording? Like an hour and 36 minutes.

Okay, great. Thanks for listening to Rose Buddies. I hope to God for a little bit of levity next week. Right, more Daniel and Sarah. More Daniel, more Sarah. Just let that love story blossom. Maybe Nick finds somebody. You know who's rolling up in the set is Kyela002.

Yes, we got a tie. Uh-uh, firmware upgrade. We got a teaser that Kyela is showing up, and she is in demand. In demand. Everybody's just feeling it. Just with that big, beautiful hair that she has just blowing in the ocean. Beautiful hair, right? Ocean breeze.

It does good in the breeze, the oceanic breeze. Hopefully. Do you remember when we used to talk about this show and we'd hypothesize which ones were robots created by toy manufacturers? I know. What a simpler time that was. Anyway, thanks for listening to Rose Buddies. Maybe go back and listen to those old episodes and have some fucking fun with it um uh anything you want to talk about i can't we gotta just end it oh hey thanks um i put a comment in the facebook group but um somebody from a

chocolate shop in nashville sent us some delicious truffles. I believe his candy company is called Blushing Berry that he runs with his wife. They were delicious and thank you very much. I've been eating them non-stop. Thanks to everybody who sent stuff to the P.O. Box. We appreciate it. It's P.O. Box 66639 Austin, Texas

78766. We done? We are done. I'm Rachel McElroy. I'm Rachel McElroy. I'm Griffin McElroy. When you're ready. Stay with us on this journey of joy. Spoiler alert!

She ends up with Soulja Boy!