Wonderful! - Ep. 33: Fifth Base

Episode Date: August 18, 2016

Things are settling down in Paradise, which is kind of a relative measurement, because boy, are things still pretty buckwild in Paradise. Join us for a discussion of this week's events, which include a fateful tummydrink and a full-blown assault on mankind by El Nino, the Crab King. MaxFunDrive ends on March 29, 2024! Support our show now by becoming a member at maximumfun.org/join.

Maybe, maybe you should go and do some contemplating. Right reasons, right reasons, being a good girl for all the right reasons. Right reasons, right reasons, being a good girl for all the right reasons. I'm the Bachelorette and I'm rapping to your poolside. Here to find true love, one man for all the right reasons. This is Rachel McElroy. Hi, this is Griffin McElroy. You didn't say hi at the beginning.

Do you not care about greeting our friends and neighbors? You just assume they've been here the whole time. What is this, The Shining? Are they the bad guy from The Shining? They've just been here the whole time. Spoiler alert for The Shining. Let's start over. The energy's weird now.

Okay. Hi, this is Rachel McElroy. This is Griffin McElroy. That was you. This is Griffin. You know me. You know this. And this is Rose Buddies. It's a podcast where we talk about the Bachelor

franchise of products. I'm coming at my wife real hostile this week. How are you doing, babe? Good. We are recording during happy hour. We are. Neither of us have had anything to drink i don't think no although i'd encourage you to do so if you're interested yeah if you've had a long hard day a

long hard day we all have uh here at the office it is wednesday uh i apologize that the well we usually release on wednesdays during this weird bit yeah but in the morning time but in the morning times last night i went to smackdown completely spaced that it was also bip night although really i blame abc for that more than myself because what are you doing abc he told me let's see smackdown was yesterday which was tuesday he told me saturday that's how we do it here in this business and this this industry just moves so fast um so yeah we have three hours of bachelor in paradise to talk about i hear i heard a rumor i i got caught up on bip i heard a rumor that you still watch that bachelor after show i did was it better this time well i kept switching over to the olympics to see if the

olympics had something to offer me and it was track and field which i'm not as interested in interesting so i you missed the pole vault then switching back there were some good events that the good things that happened in the pole vault. New World Record was broken. Also, a man's dick bone. But yeah, I did watch the after show. The after show was not as offensive. That's good.

But still was a little offensive. Well, that's good. I guess. We saw a lot of people talk about how different things that they were upset by in these two episodes of Bachelor in Paradise. And I watched them, and I want to get it across. I feel like we need to all sort of sit down and calibrate, because this is the usual amount of crap. Yeah. This episode, these two episodes, I actually enjoyed quite a bit.

And there was certainly some rough stuff in it but this is like this is what this is what this is what we get yeah bachelor in paradise this week was like was like classic coca-cola yeah it was like real sugar all sugar all sugar all the time and i get that that's not to everybody's taste, but this is how the show is in its best form. Yeah, well, it's not its best form. It's standard form. But let's dive right in. Let's get our hands dirty. I would say we were pretty delighted with this week.

I enjoyed it very much. Yeah, I mean, it's not a show that I would let date my best friend. No. But it's a show that I would spend a few hours a week with, which is what we're doing. I cautiously watch. If this show is a human, I would cautiously watch them from afar, which is creepy. Would you let this show, for example, would you trust them to water our lawn when we were out of town? No.

I would fake two different injuries in order to spend some time with this show. That was an Evan joke. Let's just dive right into the things that happened because they need to be cracked just wide open. So there were a lot. One thing I wanted to call out that we like about this show is in the beginning of Monday night's episode, they made a lot of just erection and ejaculation jokes. Like nonstop, like Evan's going in to try and steal away Amanda. Can he keep it up for like five in a row? Things are about to explode on Bachelor in Paradise.

Evan's really in a hard spot. Let's hope he doesn't suffer from a premature ejection. And it was just, you know, we just giggled the whole time. It was just delightful. Come along, everybody, and watch this episode of Bachelor in Paradise. So the episode picks up with Evan going to Amanda and Josh with his fake date card to interrupt them. And it also comes back with me, just sort of a bag of skin, just looking out the window at my skeleton as it crosses the state line into Oklahoma. My favorite part that we got this week was as he's going to interrupt them vinny and izzy are kind of mid

piggyback ride just like frozen just like everybody stops and stares yeah she is on his back and they just stop on their way up the beach and just stare at what is happening i don't know if it was you last week or one of the rosebuds themselves in the group uh in the facebook group um which by the way i'm pretty sure they broke Facebook during this episode. Something like 2,000 comments. Y'all are the best. Yeah. But Josh's groans and moans and animal noises

that he makes when he kisses or eats, that became actually the first sort of official rule in our drinking game. Every time Josh gives us just one of those, mm, you gotta sip you gots to sip yeah because now it's something that we know is gonna happen and they're definitely it's it's definitely an edit right but like they gotta have something to edit with and it's i've heard at least five or six different discrete pleasure moans yes it is not the same moan every

time yeah uh the one thing the reason I included Vinny and Izzy is because Vinny tells us, the viewer on camera, he says, I wish Evan would just stop being the awkward dick doctor. Yeah. So that was a nice succinct way to phrase it. Boy. Evan comes up and says,

you know, he says his little date card piece and then tells Amanda that he has, quote, been watching her from afar. Great. And that, you know, he's wanted to get to know her better. He came here for her, he says. Yes, which we don't really believe. I don't know if that's...

But, okay. What's fun about this, this is one we really felt like now they're hitting their stride again is while he's talking to amanda we see josh enjoying a pizza pie an entire pizza pie he talks about how the pizza in mexico is like on point and it's like that i don't that hasn't been my experience no and much it appeared to be uh just a frozen pizza like it appeared to be just a kind of pizza that you could get in the freezer section i heard some scuttlebutt from somebody who said that apparently in the first bip they just had to eat like catering or something and it was like miserable and now in seasons two and three um they get like food

from the resort and it's much, much better. And so like the food situation has improved drastically in BIP. Um, and so maybe it was that good resort pizza. I don't know. Oh, you know what I did learn on the after show though?

What did you learn? Uh, there is no air conditioning. Can't do it. Won't do it. Yeah. So none of the rooms have air conditioning. Why?

So they, they referenced that Carly may have enjoyed the hospital date so much that she has later with Evan because there's air conditioning. You just ruined that there's going to be a hospital date. Yeah. Which is like a whole other kettle of fish. I wouldn't do it, man. Are you kidding? No.

In Mexico? That would be very warm and steamy. Okay. Anyway. And so we hear a lot of Josh talk about the pizza, about he just likes a regular cheese pizza. God knows the truth about him and this pizza. That's all I know. Yeah.

And he just continues to eat it while Amanda and Evan talk. So Amanda makes pretty clear she's not interested in Evan. Says that she really wants to focus on Josh. But then she starts crying a little bit, saying like she feels so bad because he's such a Evan, such a good guy. And then Evan tells us, the viewer, that he got maybe a glimmer of hope from that. He says, that's about what I wanted from that conversation. Ah, dang, Evan, that ain't good. Yeah. And this is this is when

you feel like and i don't know if you know this guy but i feel like i know this guy oh dude there's there's some stuff that happens in this episode that made me think like i was this guy but like in high school a bit well because she's not mean to him no she just says i'm focusing on josh right now which should be clear but the fact that she's not cruel makes him no she just says i'm focusing on josh right now which should be clear but the fact that she's not cruel makes him say i mean all that aside like before this conversation even happened she was making out with another dude and this was not like some of that again is the edit of making it seem like josh and her are attached at the uvula um that's that's definitely part of the edit but this wasn't. She and Josh were macking and Homeboy

walks up with a homemade date card how did you think that was going to go? How did you think that was going to go? Yeah Yeah, Evan kind of saw it as his take charge moment but literally everybody else in the universe saw it as just a

just a poorly advised bad sort of set of decisions so amanda goes back to josh and and is really candid and says oh he just seems like such a nice guy but i you know i'm just not interested and i feel bad and josh is just slobbering down pizza josh is still eating pizza and he's just like oh you're in such high demand goodness um kind of like doing this thing. Like I'm cool with this, but also like,

Oh, look at me with my, with my wanted lady, the white hot rage slash like gross possession. yeah. Uh, and then Evan kind of debriefs with, with Jared about his experience chasing Amanda.

Uh, and then we look over their shoulder and that's where we see the pizza moon it's stupid it was the moon in the sky made to look like a pizza except it was a whole pizza and when that pizza was brought to josh there was a slice already missing and i that probably took me out of the like paying attention to the show for a good 10 minutes yeah you're right how did this happen what is that who did this maybe he sat down to eat the pizza and they left the table and he sent a production assistant to go get the rest of the pizza or maybe it's you leave one for elijah you know how they do that sometimes they just like leave a piece of pizza out for elijah for the mexico beach guest can pass over that's just a thing that they do it's an unleavened

crust it did look like thin thin crust so could have been unleavened we don't know is cheese good to go that's kosher right yeah yeah is it though i don't know you don't know. You don't know? I'm not 100% and I'm sorry. Okay. I don't remember eating cheese at Seder before. So this is speaking of getting up for food. I don't know. No, that's not a good segue. Anyway, this is the point in the show when I asked you to take notes because I was going to get myself some dinner. Oh, yeah. We're going to get that El Pollo Reggio.

You wrote down Daniel shaves vinny's back comma thoroughly yeah like they're looking for this razor i think the the ladies are looking for a razor and um it's revealed that danny has it and he is just shaving the hell out of vinny's back getting him smooth does vinny seem to be a hairy person no but well i don't know because he says why did daniel says why didn't you do this before you came here? And Vinny says, I did. That's just how fast it grows back. But I didn't even think, I mean, when you look at Vinny, he doesn't seem that hairy, so maybe it's just the standards.

Although he is a barber, so maybe he just is really intense about his grooming. Maybe. But, yeah, he doesn't seem like somebody who would be very furry. He's not. I don't think he is. I think it's just this show. Is anybody especially furry on this show? No. And i think it's just this show is anybody especially furry on this show no and i think everybody's just trying to stay on par josh might be josh josh

he's very dark he's dark he probably has like and he you can tell he puts a lot of work into his eyebrows all i'm saying is daniel sets a tone and that is perfectly hairless like the oscar statue during uh during andy's season i remembered becoming distracted by how manicured uh josh's eyebrows were this season i think they i but i think they have to be i think that's like work that he has to put in every single morning hard work hard work um uh okay so uh it is time for the cocktail party does that sound right yeah probably i mean we're about 12 minutes into the episode it seems right to me yeah he comes out chris harrison comes out in a nice beige suit he's looking good can i say something chris h when you put in the effort bud you look good man i know and uh the reason i know it's a cocktail party is that i wrote down sweaty josh sweaty josh oh my

god and chris harrison like lays him out for it like good lord man what happened to you he's in this like white linen shirt uh which you know most people choose on the beach because it is is a very breathable, light fabric. He is drenched. It's like that white fabric shirt is like a napkin that you put on your pizza, on the top of the pizza, to get it degreased. And that napkin is completely see-through. That's about what we're talking about here. Everybody's so dry.

Everybody else is mostly dry and this dude is just collapsing like the that one guy in i think x-men 2 when he just like turns into water right there in the in the doctor's office and he turns like alex mack like alex mack it's an alex mack situation it's a much better one much more relatable uh and uh he says to, um, Amanda, Amanda, like it's really hot. And she's like, yeah, it's really hot. She is completely dry, completely flawless. When she's sitting right next to him. And I just feel so bad as much as you like a person and she clearly likes him very much.

You don't want that. I don't think you want that. I get them on you. No. To take with you parts of them. Yeah. on you no to take with you parts of them yeah uh so where we left off last week christian and daniel were kind of in a competition for sarah so this cocktail party is an opportunity kind of for them to to make their case because the women are in charge uh so christian pulls her aside and they

talk about how great their date was and then daniel interrupts um and she starts talking about how much he makes her smile and then she tells us the viewer that they have not kissed yet yeah um so in this moment and it's really kind of a sweet moment he's a sweet boy i don't know what you want. He talks about how excited he is and he makes his leg kind of shake like a dog that he's so excited. Yeah. And then Bea stings him on the face. I forgot. Yeah. And she pulls the stinger out of his face. Yeah. That's love. Yeah. And then they do

kiss. And then Sarah tells us that it was quote wasn't the best kiss well you know what it was his first time doing it to any person ever so why don't you cut him a little bit of slack i'm saying that was the first kiss he's ever had griffin have you in your romantic life had a lot of bad kisses um define had like have i distributed any i like to think no no i'm saying have you left a scenario and thought that person is not a good kisser because i can only maybe think of one time i can think of one um and it's and it's it is a big bummer it is a huge huge bummer i had a i had a friend i'm not gonna name names but i had a friend who um was known to kind of like um pursue women not in like a necessarily creepy way but just like

once they liked somebody they were very uh single-minded about it and they would get very attached very quickly and then they they finally went on a date with that person and they kissed and it was like so bad that they dropped the case i'm saying this it sounds like i'm talking about me it's super wasn't me um yeah but yeah i can think of one time that it happened and i i think it may have actually was that for you may have been a sign yeah something you just it could have been my fault too it could just be some people just incompatible i just mentioned that because carly said the thing about evan and then sarah said the thing about daniel and then sarah said the thing about daniel and it just makes me wonder about all these adult men who are still just it

could be an incompatibility issue though like you come in you come to person you don't know there's so many variables how wide is my mouth going to be how open is the mouth going to be and you're saying if they're the right people they just they calibrate i'm saying everybody has like a set range of numbers that they use vis-a-vis width depth height um moisture you don't think some people are just objectively good kissers and objectively bad kiss how many newtons of force are you applying to the kiss like it's a it's a touchy thing everybody learns how to everybody figures out how to kiss like everybody learns how they do kiss and so like i think if the two are so, if the two are really,

really different, if you get a small mouther and a big mouther together, like, that's gonna be a bad time. I'm serious. That's a real, that's gotta be a real thing.

That's gotta be a real thing. Yeah, it's, like, who would be a small mouther, though? There are people who think, like, that's how you do it. You make your lips real firm, real small, and you just get in there.

And some people come at you, like, you know? Yeah. Josh and amanda josh and amanda they're both big mouth they both do it the same way yeah obviously like they like doing it very much i think because they found like kind of a mirror in the other person uh and so cocktail party we're kind of closing the loop on a lot of stuff from last week. So the twins are still upset that Brandon couldn't discern between the two of them. And so there's some question about whether Brandon will get a rose.

Yeah. Nick is very distraught. He is. Yeah. He doesn't know who could possibly pick him. Yeah. He doesn't have a connection. It's crazy.

You know, like it's Nick. I know. Runner up't know who could possibly pick him. He doesn't have a connection on it. It's crazy, you know? Like, it's Nick. Runner-up. It's like super fan favorite franchise. Yeah, professional runner-up Nick. He's at least got to come in second. Yeah. So then we cut to Josh and Amanda that are making out again, and then Evan interrupts a second time.

He's going to pop in real quick. And this is when Evan loses some ground with us because he interrupts and this time he wants to warn Amanda about Josh. Because we're such good friends. You're a friend to me now.

Yeah. Now that we're friends. Now that we're friends, I do want to let you know that this book says some bad stuff about Josh. And good on him yeah you know as a friend the book does say some pretty bad stuff but it seems pretty transparent that he made a play for amanda it didn't go where he thought it went and behind that we get the behind the scenes like interview part um where he says like well since i've been friend zoned by amanda and it's like but that's it like

you're up you're gone i got friend zoned by her like this whole time this this show has been so unconcerned with telling us what amanda like who amanda likes i mean clearly it's josh right like girls why would you be spending so much time with them but then to have evan be like my friends owned me i got friends owned such the fucking dumb uh so yeah i put evan in my mental garbage can at that point yeah like i i feel like evan there's a lot that's sympathetic about him sure um people have been posting his tweets in the rose buddies group and like he's so funny guy he says some funny stuff and like he's a big jubilee fan you know i'm a fan of that but like um on on this show there is some real like piss kid to the max like dictionary definition stuff yeah and so so evan goes to talk to uh to talk to josh or not to talk no no what No, no. Talk to Amanda. What happens is Amanda gets upset about this and talks to some other folks about these

revelations, including Lace. And then Lace is telling somebody else like, yeah, apparently Evan went to Amanda and just like told her all this stuff about Josh. Yeah, Lace is telling Grant. Just like dumping all this stuff on Grant. And she looks behind her and Josh is sitting immediately behind her. She's like, oh, sorry. I didn't know you were there.

Well, it was weird is when they pan the camera back. So the camera is zoomed in on Lace and Grant. And Lace is just like, oh, man, you wouldn't believe it. Evan went to go warn Amanda about Josh and say all these things about how he was abusive. And then they pan the camera out because Grant says, oh, well, I'm going to talk to Josh about that. Pan it out. Josh is sitting right next to Grant. And she, like, moves her head.

Didn't even realize. Like, one degree to the left. Yeah. And it's like, oh. Oh, sorry, bud. Oh, you're right there. And this sets off a, like. Which makes me wonder, did Josh, like, sidle up and sit down without Lace noticing?

Heard his name in somebody's mouth i don't know but this kicks off a series of uh josh activities that like so firmly cements what type of dude that is in my mind we're like he goes he goes and finds evan's like come on bud we we have a talk anything you need to tell me um coming coming at evan with this like attitude of like i'm ready for my apology now uh which evan to his credit doesn't give him like evan like doesn't give him the d like oh i'm sorry man i should have come and talked to you first evan's like josh uh josh uh he he speechifies yeah is the verb i want to use he just says you know don't judge me without knowing me without knowing me. Only, only my family knows me and God knows me. God knows the truth,

which I mentioned last week, like this idea of like, I'm, it's clearly like a rehearsed thing, right? Like, okay, I'm going to,

about to go on this show. If this comes up here, the four things that I'm going to say, and this idea of just like, well, God knows the truth. So that's honest. I'm that,

that my, because I'm a, he says fictional account. Again, there's a fictional account written by a troubled person. you know god god knows the truth so like because i'm bringing my my my faith into it like now that's unassailable so like god knows the truth god knows the truth god knows it says like four times and evan says quote you're so polished yeah you know all the right things to say she's like yeah evan like slam dunk that's exactly he

has polished it with with a uh uh he's practiced it quite a bit. And Josh is like, what are you saying? I would never put on a front. And Evan's like, if this is really not true, if she's really saying these things about you that are factually incorrect, why wouldn't you sue her for libel? At which point Josh is like, oh, I don't want to get involved in that. You know, God has a plan and I pray for her happiness. And I have no reason to explain myself or engage in that. And Evan tells us, the viewer, he's like, you know,

he just hits me with this ocean of words and all these inspirational quotes. And so it's not a volatile confrontation. It's not everybody. I think everybody was worried that Josh was like a punch oven in the face or something. It wasn't like that. Um, but it became clear they were not, they were not buddies. Like, why wouldn't he tell, like, all he ever says is, oh, she's a liar and everything in that book is false and my family knows the truth and I know the truth.

So that's what's up. Like, why not talk about, like, what happened? Like, from your POV. Instead of just being like, oh, she's lying. Yeah. He won't even say, like, yeah, you know, we were engaged and it didn't work out. Yeah, or make some kind of case for, you know, why it didn't work out from his perspective. But instead all he comes out with is, like, this shit which just makes me think 100% that that book is canon.

Mm-hmm. Nick also goes to talk to amanda to kind of warn her and this yeah amanda seems like she's given pause at this point but like we know it's nick also says quote as a friend yeah yeah exactly you know he's like you know and i hope it's not true but and amanda's like well now i should really think about it but we all know where that rose is going. Yeah, exactly. Amanda makes it sound like maybe she's on the fence, but she's not. Let's get to that rose ceremony. So Lace picks Grant. Izzy picks Vinny.

Loving it, loving it. Emily picks Jared. Amanda picks Josh. And then Sarah is deciding between Daniel and Christian. And she picks Daniel. Beautiful boy. It would be a very different show without Daniel. I can't imagine, man.

Carly doesn't know who she's going to pick because she's not really vibing with anybody. Yeah, she says she's either going to pick Nick, who she's friends with, or Evan. And it's like, well, the latter one one is just gonna make that dude collapse in on himself yeah so carly picks evan yeah and she says like oh he knows you know i hope he knows it doesn't happen and then evan tells us quote maybe i can sneak back in yeah she closed the door on me but she forgot to lock it evan evan evan you're the creepiest that's the creepiest way of referring to anything bud he that has to be one of those things where like he said she closed the door on me but she forgot to lock it oh my god that sounds horrible don't use that in the episode please that makes me sound super creepy please don't use that you won't use it in

the episode thank you thank you maybe that's giving him a bit of a doubt again giving him a lot of credit um and so that means christian's going home and then hayley who went on a date with brandon um but brandon didn't or did she didn't uncover the switcheroo hayley um decides to pick nick because she thinks nick deserves to find love which brandon is like okay yeah that sucks but okay um yeah so christian and brandon go home oh dude i think haley did that because now she'll never have to figure out a way to tell brandon that she did a switcheroo a parent that she parent trapped him but good that that she, who, me? Her? Him. So hard on their date. They can't play that card again, which is such a, like, I feel like they blew the switcheroo parent trap.

No, I know. It's done. I know. They should have done it when there were more stakes. I know. You know what would be better? If Emily or Haley goes on a date, and then they go to the bathroom for like 10 minutes, and then they part their hair on the other side and come out.

And then the other person's like, you switched, didn't you? And they have to convince like, no, super not. They also provided some hints on how to tell the difference between Haley and Emily, which I super duper appreciate in a very genuine way. One of, see, I didn't, I know the differences. I don't know who the differences belong to. One of them has more... Hayley, I think, has little moles on the left side of her cheek, and her ears are pierced all the way up the ear,

while Emily, I think, her ears are just pierced at the bottom of the ear. There's some clues. I need to memorize them, but it's super helpful for me to know. They were on the after show, too, and since they're sitting right next to each other, I was trying to look at both of them and identify which was which and lock it in,

and I still didn't do it. It's tough. It's tough. Yeah. Anyway, that was the rose ceremony. Rose ceremony next day. Yeah. And this is when Kyla001 arrives if you missed um us talking about

ben season of the the first season we covered here on rose buddies kyla 001 or 002 we've decided she's actually in her like terminator 2 like beach because if sam gets in the 001 model that's the fucking that's what happened that's what. That's why she didn't know until the last minute. No, she made it to the beach area of Bensi's in the back. I forget where they went. But they went somewhere beachy, and she showed up on the beach, and she

malfunctioned because the sand got in her gears and servos. Oh, and that's why she was eliminated. And then the Axeman has no place in his heart for malfunctions. I'm saying, there's a point later in this week's episodes where she indicates that she didn't decide to come until last minute. Maybe they were really making some final updates to the model. Filters and such for sand to keep them out of her servos. And again, for those of you that didn't listen to Ben's season, part of the reason that we indicated she was a robot is that she seemed like the most clearly engineered woman for the show. Yeah.

Emily refers to her as being perfect over and over and over and over and over again in this episode. And it's like, we say that she's a robot in jest because she's literally flawless. She is without flaw. She was before. She had one flaw, which was sand. But now that's been worked out. Like, she is just a lean, mean human machine. She's not mean, though.

She's perfect. A perfect temperament. The one thing I appreciated. So everybody is exclaiming about how attractive she is. And then Lace sees her and turns to the people she's with and says like oh yeah she was the one that was supposed to be the bachelorette but then jojo took over that is what happened like she was supposed to be it's weird because nobody has ever really talked about that or acknowledged that until lace just casually said in that episode which i appreciated she did get did dirty though i mean judge was a good bachelorette but and i don't know that kayla

would have been as kayla just would have been like the most like bachelorette bachelorette to ever bachelorette one you would have never questioned any of her decisions like it just would have been like oh yes no that was clearly the right yeah that's the every single time uh so nick and jared uh celebrate her hair they talk about her hair together they just want to shampoo her yeah and then nick nick gets excited because nick hasn't found a woman yet and so he kind of talks to her yeah and he makes a comment that we enjoy he like compliments her outfit and says wait is it is it a dress or a gown? Yeah, that she's wearing a beach ball gown. I enjoyed the distinction.

She's wearing a wedding dress on the beach. You dumb, dumb. Now, Griffin, if I had to ask you, one, is there a difference between a dress and a gown? And two, what is that difference? How would you answer? Well, I think a gown has to be like ankle length, right? Like a gown and two what is that difference how would you answer well i think a gown has to be like ankle length right like a gown has i don't think there's such a thing as like a knee length gown right and i also think it's like the difference between suit and tuxedo right like a suit can be varying levels of formality but like a tuxedo is like of the most formal that

it gets am i close i mean i here's thing. I was under the assumption that there is, this is not like a dress or a skirt. There's no firm distinction that every woman knows. I think a skirt is just like the bottom part. Yeah, exactly. But I have met many men who were not aware. Well, that's crazy. No, I just think gown is like, it denotes formality. This is like square rectangle, I think.

Yeah. Yeah, because you wouldn't call, for example, a sundress a gown. No. I mean, you only refer to like wedding, like a prom gown. Like you wear gowns at prom and wedding and quinceanera. And Oscar. And Oscar. And your Oscar quinceanera. Your Oscar quinceanera and oscar and oscar and your oscar quinceanera your oscar quinceanera uh

so so then jared talks to kayla and they talk um kind of admirably about each other and how well they've handled themselves uh on their their respective seasons they are we kind of realize they are essentially the other person in relation to the seasons of The Bachelor and Bachelorette that they were on. Yeah, they both get kind of burned. They both make it fairly far. They're both pretty good at just being the thing, right?

They're both good at being on the show. Very likable. Very likable, but third place. I think Jared comes in third or fourth. Yeah, Jared didn't even make it to hometowns. Did he not? Well, do you remember meeting any of Jared's family? No, I would remember.

I think he gets left. I definitely would not remember that. I think he gets left when they're abroad. They're in like Scotland or something. Yeah, sounds about right. And so they're talking emily's getting nervous because at this point emily has her eyes on jared then kayla picks jared jared goes to have a talk with him well actually he takes kayla's eyes like and kayla's like oh oh you're with somebody else i get it i

get it i get it he's like no i definitely am gonna date you i just gotta go break up with this other one so jared when she asked him to go on the the one-on-one date which is what i meant by pics uh he says okay well hold on let me go talk to emily yeah and so he goes and he's like oh emily you're so great you're so great and you'll find someone someday but have you seen her hair it's amazing i gotta go um which was respectful that's kind of the thing that everybody hopes for yeah sure and um but emily sees this as an opportunity unfortunately before jerry can kind of break it off emily's like oh hey by the way uh i feel really strongly and i feel like i haven't made that clear to you and i really really like you and then anyway go ahead and break up with me here we go um and so emily gets really upset and she's like. Anyway, go ahead and break up with me. Here we go.

And so Emily gets really upset. And she's like complaining to Nick. And she's just like, oh, my gosh. I just. I'm usually the one breaking hearts. I'm just not used to having my heart broken. You're on the wrong show statistically. And Nick is kind of a great. Nick is kind of a great person to talk to.

Because he's like, hey, it's okay to be hurt. I have proposed to two women that have said no on national television like nick has been actually really not forever i've really enjoyed especially these two episodes nick has been really i feel like really terrific um i've i've really enjoyed nick on this season a bit he's he's kind of falling into that like audience surrogate role a bit he takes the role as kind of the franchise veteran very seriously yeah uh so they go on a horse date it's another horse date with kayla and jared um and they they ride horses they go to the ocean they have coconut drinks uh they really hit it off. Jared makes a reference to Ace Ventura.

All righty then, he says. Yeah, not to Kayla. I think he's smarter than to use it in front of Caleb. No, to Kayla he says, do not go in there. P-A-R-T-Y, because I gotta. They call me Cuban Pete.

Oh, see, now you're mixing. Bruce Almighty. He mixing. Bruce Almighty. Bruce Almighty. He just says Bruce Almighty. So while they're on this date and they're making out, we look back at the beach for some Daniel antics. Some dantics. What's Dan up to? Hey, Dan, what you doing?

They're all hanging out on one of those beach mattresses. What are those called? I think they're just called beach mattresses yeah parabolas parabolas that's definitely definitely it baby yeah uh no it's a it's a uh canopy like a palapa palapa is that right i think palapa might be it yeah i'm just remembering when chris Harrison says, come join me in the rose palapa. In the palapa. No, then it's not a palapa. No one's sure what they're called, but I'm sure it's just a beautiful, beautiful Spanish word.

Beach mattress. Beach mattress is good. That's what it loosely translates to in the English tongue. Vinny is laying on his back with his eyes closed. Daniel comes up with a straw. Oh, these dancings are so rough he inserts water into vinny's belly button vinny does not move no i think vinny's passed out and the daniel has enough time to then extend his long spindly canadian proboscis well it's a straw

you know what i mean uh and then he sucks the water back up um at which point vinny does come to everybody enjoys it it's it's it's unbelievably good there's so many stages to that like make it so good like you see daniel creeping up on vinny you're like uh-oh uh-oh what's he gonna do and then you see him pour water in vinnie's belly button and it stays perfectly there like he does a perfect pour yeah it's just the right amount that's two funny things one that he makes a little lake uh in vinnie but then that he also perfectly like so that the the surface tension like holds it perfectly in vinnie's belly and you're like fuck that's really funny dude that's a good prank daniel that's my God, there's more to the prank.

And then you see him stick the straw in, and you're like, oh, he's just gonna go in and back out. But no, he goes in and he sips it. Yeah. He sips it from his tum-tum. And then he spits it out, but does confess that some of it... Some of it gets in.

Some of it stays in his mouth. What was the thing that happened in the first episode of his season, though, where he says, you don't touch another man's belly button? I think he poked Evan in the belly button. He poked Evan's belly button. So this man definitely has an umbilical fetish. Maybe it's because he has such little body

fat that he has no recess in his belly button. He can't make his own tummy legs. And he enjoys that other people do. He's gotta make it in other people's tummy legs. Wait, what are you saying? Tummy lakes? Tummy lakes. like a like a lake i like that pond that's uh that's where griffin and i go in the summertime to the tummy lakes you've been to the finger lakes come to the tummy lakes they're much bigger

i bet daniel wishes we could put the finger lakes in the tummy lakes that's his dream uh during this time we find out that the uh the established couples so vinnie izzy grant and lace all get to go on a date together yes they're very excited about that they call themselves the four horsemen what do they call themselves the fantastic four fantastic that's different fantastic four horsemen is an apocalypse thing they had another nickname for themselves too as a group it was like the the group of like solid couples i can't remember what it was now from a previous episode not important uh so jared gets back from the date pulls emily aside uh and jared says you know i know that i I've been really reserved, and I do really like you, and it's not fair for me to lead you both on, but I feel like I should explore things with Kayla.

And Emily gets really upset. Again, and it's like, you went on the one day. Like this is the thing about this show. Not even season to season. In this one season, you can see just how differently people handle stuff. Like Daniel's about to go on another date with another person. And it is like not a big deal at all. Not a big deal at all. Not even a little bit of a big deal. Emily says some kind of nasty things. But in this

kind of guileless way that Daniel shares, where she's just she's just speaking from the heart. And she's just saying, you know, that she wants to be somebody's priority. And she's very kind of sad. And then she says that most of the guys here are way uglier than her. What was the context of that? She just starts kind of going off. Most of the women there were way uglier. Okay. I don't know. But she also says that she's better than most guys.

Yeah, there's some shit. Like, she says some shit, and she was probably very upset when she said it. And, you know, that's neither here nor there. But, like, the thing is, she's a very, very attractive young woman who just, like, on this show, you keep getting dumped and stuff because it's a TV show about competitive dumping. Like, that's what it is. This is a dump con. It's the Olympics of dumps. And like, that's why this keeps happening.

So like, it's hard for me to have an especially powerful emotional reaction to stuff like that. We got to burn this next. We got like an episode and a half to go and we're 40 minutes in. Okay, so Vinny and Izzy, Grant and Lace go on their date. They have dinner together. They kind of celebrate the relationship of Vinny and Lace in their conversation.

Not Vinny and Lace. Don't you dare break up the duo. I'm sorry. Vinny and Izzy. Well, Grant and Izzy would be good too. Gizzy. Grizzly. Grizzly.

Grizzly and vase. grizzly and vase um and izzy says that she's quote in it to vin it which i just you know that's worth mentioning yeah it's cute this is this is a cute this was a surprisingly very cute little scene between all of them they go to a senior frogs which i think exists all over the country. Not sure. Because I'm pretty sure they had one in St. Louis. But it seemed like a Banana Joe's pineapple pie situation. Yeah, there's a giant bar.

There's a foam party. There's something called the Grind Pit. Yeah, where the men wriggle around on ladies. It was a lot. It was a lot to take in. And then the women get up on a bar to do some kind of body shot. They're going to do a Daniel Tummy Lake. Just an icy, just a frozen lake.

A frozen lake. Yeah, they get doused by a woman whose face was blurred out. Yeah, there's a woman who dumps a pitcher on them and Lace gets very upset. And then Grant kind of steps in and Lace feels very protected by him. Things have really turned around for Lace. And I'm glad. Because that first episode you think like, oh, Lace. Yeah, she's kind of rowdy.

But Grant seems to understand that and not hold it against her. Yeah, no, not even that. I'm saying like, it seemed like this season was going to go a very bad way for her. And there was like, there was some nice moments in here bad way for her and there's like there's a nice there were some nice moments in here with her and grant i was i was yeah there's something to be said for finding a person that kind of motivates you to be your best self yeah sure and that i think is what grant is for her we're talking about two especially essentially fictional characters right now but i But I was moved. So, meanwhile, while they're on the date, Carly and Sarah get this idea that they're going to hold their own couple date up in the Rose Palapa.

They're going to pretend that it's their apartment and they're going to invite Daniel and Evan over for food and drink this this was the scene where i was like this is some high school stuff of like carly kind of stringing evan along a bit with the aid of the other two people there like you're a really cute couple daniel was like daniel was hysterical during this whole thing like evan you're such a good looking guy guy, isn't he, Carly? He was, yeah. He was like, doesn't Evan look handsome tonight? And Carly was like, yeah, I guess he does look handsome. But then there's this unintended cruelty to that,

because Evan hears that and immediately falls completely in love. The whole situation, I don't think there was a hint of malice being displayed by anybody there, but the things that were happening were so so so bad and uncomfortable yeah daniel tries to motivate them to kiss again he's talking about their world record kiss which uh evan remembers in detail it's like how long was that kiss it was like it was a while and everyone was like one minute and 44 seconds exactly oh man he'll never forget how long that kiss was, I don't think.

Which somebody pointed out in the Guinness, did we talk about this? The Guinness listing for this kiss. You can find the Guinness listing for this kiss, and it says they accomplished it on their second attempt. What's up, ABC? You got caught with your pants down, huh? Because they put you on blast. Where's the original cut? Where's the first cut, huh, ABC?

Yeah, what happened that first time? What happened that first time? And you made him do it again. You made him do it a second time and didn't show us the first, huh? That's pretty bad, huh? Anyway, this whole scene was just really uncomfortable. Like, Evan reading way, way, way, way too much into things.

Carly kind of stringing him on in a way that I don't think was, like, malicious or... Yeah, she likes him in that she wants to like, you know, be pals and she's just going there too quick. But but us as the viewer, like with this omniscient like perspective, like we know that everything she's doing without being intentional. And I think of like another dude that she was like actually into came into the house the next minute she would drop this whole situation.

Evan is so into it, so fallen deep into it. But at the same time, I'm not willing to absolve Evan because holy shit does he do some weird stuff. Holy shit does he do some unhealthy shit. Yeah, so they're kind of walking back from their evening and Evan tries to go in for a kiss. And Carly says no to the kiss.'s like let's just hug let's not kiss at this point my skeleton had like poked its head in the front door just like everything okay in here no no no no no no no everything's not okay um and and then immediately they go to Carly going back to her room with Sarah. And then they cut back and Evan is laying in bed.

And a producer is trying to shake him awake. And he is not wakening. Whether this is real or not. Awakening is not a word. Yeah, sure. Whether this situation is real or not, this producer's performance was the fakie fakest shit i'd ever seen like evan evan wake up evan evan please wake up evan evan please wake up please wake up evan please awakening um and evan doesn't wake up and so they call in medico

and carly and sarah are talking and they're like oh yeah i think he's just really drunk he's really drunk he wasn't super wasn't like he didn't see maybe that dude just holds his maybe i'm used to seeing like drunk people on this show get like buck wild but evan was not especially buck wild um but anyway evan doesn't wake up so they call in the medical staff and carly and uh sarah hear this and and rush in there And somebody on the medical team is like, he's wearing a cast on his foot. And like, apparently he's later refined. They don't address it. Yeah, we notice it for the first time as the viewer.

The medical team does not address it. Later we find out that he's taking medicine for his ankles, which is like, what is that? Does he have gout? What does that mean? I think he sprained his ankle or something. I don't think it's a big deal. Okay.

But when the medical team arrives, he is awake and alert. And he's like, I don't know what happened, man. I don't know. I just was lying here. And everybody was here. I'm okay. You can leave. And the medical team is a woman who doesn't seem concerned about him, but feels like maybe he should have some observation.

Yeah. And so he gets a big grin on his face, and Carly's like, please, no. Please, please, no. Please, no. Please, God, no. But she ends up staying. Yeah, but here's the thing,

and this is something that made everybody watching uncomfortable, but Evan is not the type to be like, you know, you better stay with me or I'm going to, you know, throw you down the stairs. Right. So she, but she decides to stay and then they start making out in bed. And then Carly tells us that he's weird, but maybe she's attracted to weird. So I don't know.

There's a lot of confusion. It's confusing. It's not the type of thing. I mean, only God knows the truth. That's a lot of confusion. It's confusing. It's not the type of thing. I mean, only God knows the truth. That's what I'm saying. But we don't know. If Carly's really into him, that's fine. But the tactics dog was busted.

The tactics was so bad. Bad tactics. But apparently an effective tactic, because guess what? It's going to happen again here in just a few minutes. So the next morning, Nick is on the beach alone. And we cut to Josh and Amanda. So many soft moans. And there's a lot of suggestion via old-fashioned movie technique.

That a train is going into a tunnel. Waves are going on rocks. There's a fountain erupting. It's good shit. Fireworks. You know, I've been critical of the edits. This one. Pizza Moon, come on. I could do that shit in Adobe Premiere. I liked Pizza Moon. But this was good. This was good stuff. Yeah, basically a lot of old timey suggestions. But they were so, so completely like, they may as well have just

shown like a big dick. Yeah. Like, this is about as, like, they were not abstracting it at all. But yeah, but it's just a suggestion of Nick continues to be alone and Josh and Amanda continue to be intimate together. Yeah. And then we cut to Kayla and Jared and they're cards together, and they're just having a great time. And Kayla and Jared are telling us that they feel good about each other. And then there's ominous music.

And somebody is coming down the stairs, and it is Ashley I. Who wanted this? who asked for this who in the audience wanted this who abc wanted this who wanted this who decided that this was that this story still had some juice left in it let's keep just wringing her dry she shows up and tells chris harrison right away i'm back in paradise because i'm still in love with jared bing bang boom no dancing around it like no like no no crazy ex-girlfriend like you know i didn't move to west covina for josh um like just straight up like i'm in love with jared i'm and I will claim him. And she suggests that in the interim between BIP seasons that they have been in touch, that their relationship has been up and down and sometimes they kiss and sometimes they sleep in the same bed.

This whole time I'm like, I shouldn't be hearing any of this. This relationship is badong, both bad and wrong and so bad and wrong does chris ask what what base they get what base they got to and she's like well i shouldn't i promised myself i wouldn't tell but second base the second base there's a lot of debate about which one that is but let's just say yeah well how do you understand it i understand it as like number one's kissing right first base is kissing i think i think second base is over the clothes stuff and i think third base you get under the clothes finally and then fourth base is anal i think i know griffin fourth base is penetration i i understood second base was hand, just anything where your hands are involved. Interesting.

And then third base is mouth to genital stuff. See, I think that would be in the parker. A lot of people don't know this, though. There's a fifth base, the batter's mound. The batter's mound? The pitcher's mound. Because after you cross home plate, you go back to the batter's mound. Well to the well you can go to the pitcher's mound nobody talks about this it's like a baseball rule you can just run to the pitcher's mound and you get an extra point

and what is that sexually um um would you rather not say yeah i mean i i would rather keep that a secret between us okay i don't want to tell i don't want to air out my dirty laundry i'm not actually i but we can talk about it later yeah we can talk about you know nose play oh this play is really great um okay so that's the end of the episode we had we had like a little thing with an iguana at the end of the episode yeah it was fine so we cut back next episode, Ashley talking to Chris,

Ashley saying she's only going to cry three times. To allow herself three kisses. Okay, we should explain about Ashley. She, her whole thing was her, and she's desperately, desperately in love with Jared. Just so wildly in love with Jared. And she cries like very much. She was on. She cried a lot on Crystal's season.

She cried a lot on Crystal's season. Crystal sent her and another woman who is not well liked kelsey kelsey home in the same two on one date uh and it was one of the most memorable two on one dates probably ever he literally um strands them in the badlands and we get this helicopter view of both of them just like standing surrounded by like volcanic ash as crystals flies away from them. It was. But yeah, her whole thing is like she's just a very emotional person. Oh, and she is a virgin, which like is the you don't need me to tell you because the show will do it every 14 seconds.

Yeah, exactly. So Ashley comes down the stairs. Jared sees her like breaks into a cold sweat and looks very stressed out. And Jared immediately tells Ashley I, hey, I've been kind of, you know, I went out on a date with Emily. I've been kind of, you know, I went out on a date with Emily. And then Kayla arrived. And I went on a date with Kayla. And I've been kind of hanging out with Kayla. And immediately, Ashley reaches into her purse and pulls out a little card. And she punches out one of three Cry Redemption holes.

She kind of keeps it together a little bit but then pulls the twins aside and then just falls apart yeah um which i don't know is weird because like emily's there and emily was also very jilted by jared um but yeah emily kind of is doesn't pull any punches and says you know i've never seen jared Jared so excited and assertive about a woman. If you don't know Jared, like he his whole thing is he's just like not enthusiastic about anyone, like any person. I don't even think he was that enthusiastic about Caitlin. I know. But as soon as Kylo with that perfect hair and that sandproof chassis rolls up, like everybody was he was like excited in a way that we just have not seen before.

And this is when Ashley says that she was worried about Kayla, that Kayla was specifically the one that she was most worried about. And that they had met before this. She didn't think Kayla was going to agree to be on the show. One thing, but she made Kayla promise that she, if she did go on the show, she wouldn't go after Jared.

And if that's all true, it's the most banana cakes thing I've ever heard to think like, you're not gonna be on this show, but if you do, you'll have to promise not to date the person I like who doesn't like me. Part of the reason she's upset is that she feels so betrayed by her friend Kayla, who told her that she wouldn't go on the show.

And it's just the most, it's the wildest thing. But it's also like you know you know ashley you know if you have to tell a person that you know it's not meant to be with the person you like if you have to tell this person like oh you're totally his type and he would like you a whole lot so you're not allowed to date him because he's man you know ashley like griffin and i are really in love and we're really married, but if he ever goes anywhere and Michelle Trachtenberg is there... That's who you pull for me?

Yeah. Really? Didn't you used to have a thing for her? I've never... No, and I've certainly never told you as much. When you were like a teen, I thought you were into her. I thought she was on your teen list. Not really.

I mean, like, Lacey Chabert, 1998, Lost in Space just came out. Like that was sort of more of my like age appropriate like crush. Yeah, I couldn't remember her name. Lacey Chabert? Yeah, I could remember Michelle Trachtenberg. I couldn't remember Lacey Chabert. No, no, not Michelle Trachtenberg. She's a lovely woman.

I'm sure she's fine. Okay, so you're saying i do need to worry about lacey chabert though no because i'm married to you you know i do i need to call lacey chabert right now and say if griffin goes anywhere without me you need to not but in this if we're doing the ashley i jared scenario this would be i am super like i would have to super not be into you like that that's that's the scenario that we're at where jared is not into ashley i because they've had a few chances at this and it hasn't worked out yet and so like i i don't know why this keeps happening i don't know why actually i i i get sometimes you just

get that little thing in your brain and it's like well it's that person or bust i don't know why she keeps trying this thing out and i don't know I genuinely don't know why ABC keeps subjecting us to this it's not even dramatic anymore it's not interesting because you know exactly what the fuck's gonna happen each time and it's not entertaining anymore it's not even cruel I don't even think it's cruel

it's just nothing she's gonna show up and he's not gonna be into it and he's gonna tell her in a very calm plain way and then she's gonna get super upset about it i think they like her tears i think their tear her tears give the show but they have oceans of them it's nothing it's not anything anymore it's obviously very sad for ashley i that this is true but it's not anything anymore because you keep it's your only it's one of your four stories. And you keep fucking driving it into the ground. Nobody wants to see this anymore. Yeah.

I mean, I agree with you. It's not like anybody out in the world is rooting for Ashley, I and Jared to finally make it work. No, there's nobody, nobody's, this is, I've been on, I know the face of so many Tumblr communities at this point. Nobody's shipping these two on the planet. There is no holdout who's like, I still think Ashley, I and Jared are going to. There's nobody. There's nobody. There are more people shipping like Jorge and Carly than there are.

There is further evidence, though, that they like her tears because a la Claire, she gets the treatment of, I'm talking to a producer, but we're going to make it look like I'm talking to an animal. Which she actually says, like, you know they're going to turn you into a raccoon when this is over, right?

Yeah, in this example, it is a parrot. Yeah, and the parrot system theory means things about Kayla. Yeah, the parrot starts getting a little salty, which I didn't think was necessary. I don't like that at all. Yeah, this whole situation is just so, like, everybody in the group is talking about how they're exploiting Ashley, which is true. But, like, you, every single human being involved in this production, including Jared and Ashley, knew exactly what was going to happen.

Jared maybe didn't know. They maybe didn't tell Jared that Ashley was going to roll up. And they apparently didn't tell Ashley that Kayla was there. Later in the episode, Jared does say, I knew this was going to happen. Jared maybe didn't know. They maybe didn't tell Jared that Ashley was going to roll up. And they apparently didn't tell Ashley that Kayla was there. Well, later in the episode, Jared does say, I knew this was going to happen. Like, he does seem to seem... Well, he knew in sort of the cosmic sense. Yeah.

It's just like, it is, it's, again, it's another thing where it's hard for me to feel this, like, emotional sorrow for this person, because you knew. You knew. Well, you're not supposed to feel bad for ashley i you're supposed to feel like i do feel bad for actually the thing i feel bad for actually i about is that she's a sweet she's sweet and she's funny because she goes on this date with with

daniel and it's like cute and nice and funny and i think she's like i think she's a nice person but this is like this is that's who you are to the show. And I don't think there's any way to change that unless you roll up and keep your cool. So leading up, let's get to that date. Okay. So Kayla thinks that Ashley is just going to ice her out. But Ashley actually pulls Kayla aside. And Kayla says, I know that you didn't expect to see me. And Ash is like, yeah, you told me you weren't coming.

And Kayla says, oh, I actually just decided to come like two days before they started. They finished the augmentation. Uh, and Ashley, but you said that, that Jared wasn't your type. You know, why did you say that? I don't really believe what you're saying, saying, that you didn't come here for him. And Kayla's like, well, but then I talked to him and I realized that he was my type. And that was a completely bizarre request that you made me agree to. No kidding.

So Ashley feels backstabbed by Kayla. And Ashley's like, maybe I should just go home. Maybe I should just leave. And Jared's like, no, no, no, you should stay. You should just have fun. You should go out on this date with this date card you have and have fun with somebody else. And Jared sells Daniel because Daniel is up for grabs. Essentially.

And a fun person. It seems like things have cooled between him and Sarah a bit. Yeah, which is so weird because Sarah sent Christian home and then immediately there was nothing with Daniel. Yeah. And I think I mean, I think it's because they're the only like one of a couple mature human beings at this thing or just like, you know, it seemed like it was going but it doesn't seem like it's actually that that great a thing. So let's just, you know, have some have some fun and see some other people. Yeah, that's my headcanon because the show didn't spend a whole lot of time exploring that subject. So Ashley goes to approach Daniel.

Daniel is posed on one of those beach mattresses. Made his body ready. And reads the card to Daniel. And there's something about making a sacrifice. And Daniel's like, oh, what, like sacrificing a person? And Ashley's like, oh, well i i wouldn't want to do that um no he says sacrificing like a baby calf she's like no i wouldn't want to do that and he's like okay well i'll go on this date with you because i like to eat meat yeah and she's like okay okay she's really getting a crash course on the metaphor

game of of daniel um so yeah daniel just goes over and tells sarah hey i'm about to go on this date uh and sarah's like all right have a good have a good time yeah um and nick tells us the viewer i'm not sure what happens when you put an alien and a virgin together which you know nick thank thanks nick for breaking it down for us uh and so they go on this date there's a very active loud storm going on and daniel is fascinated by the fact that ashley is a virgin and keeps asking questions about daniel loses maybe a few daniel points in my mind with some of the bad bad things that he says about how he would like to deflower her he does go on like a fun sort of five minute long freestyle jazz

thing about canadian sex terminology like he would like her to have some of his canadian bacon and then his canadian sausage with bacon and then his canadian bacon with sausage just like every sort of canadian poutine which i don't even think he knows what that means um uh and then he does the fun thing about how he uh explores sex with men on fridays he says so you're a virgin she's like yeah he's like you never had sex he's like she's like no he's like you don't swing both ways which is like that's a weird that's a weird yeah from the last one but no she doesn't he's like because i mean i do on fridays she's like what do you do on friday he's like yeah you know on friday it's just like what anything goes and he's like she

asks if he has any his eye on anybody in the house for when friday rolls around he's like yeah nick yeah he's like nick's got my eye nick's got my eye and then she kind of stumbles for a minute she's like wait are we are we choking right now because daniel is completely playing it like totally flat but at the same time they're both like she's laughing and enjoying the day and daniel actually gets into it daniel's like so you're like in love with jerry what's that all about uh yeah he doesn't he doesn't want you that's not that's not great uh you're just kind of looking for a replacement then who like who are you thinking about she's like well right now you daniel uh and they have like i'm super into it like they have a fun time they have a fun time

um interrupted by a pretty uh just just wildly uh i would say maybe off-color uh ceremony if you want to call it okay so let me say one thing anytime that um on this show when a when a man and woman go to a exotic location there is usually some kind of cultural experience they have right but this was like a community theater company that were dressing up in like straight up um like uh aztec uh what's the i'm looking for the right term like ancient aztec i guess yeah gear and then they come in and they pick up ashley and they say in english virgin sacrifice and grab her and run out of the room uh and the whole thing is just like guys what's weird is that that's the end of the day that's the end of the day but then the most amazing thing happens which

is daniel just kind of sits there sees this sees her get you know taken away and he goes he shrugs his shoulders and leans over and starts eating off her plate i will tell you on the after show oh no ashley i says that that was not actually the end of the date that then they hung around and danced with the aztec performers if they had shown that I think I would have cut them maybe a little bit more slack. But as it turns out, like, she just gets abducted. Yeah, she just gets carried away and that's the end of the night. An Aztec sacrifice. It was bad stuff. That was kind of a low point for me. The whole date was so cute, though. The two of them are so cute. It's good stuff. They're both like little ducks, like little baby ducks. I just wanted to take

care of each other. Yeah, the word that I kept coming to mind with Daniel is just guileless. He's charming in that he seems so unable to put on any airs about anything. We had somebody suggest that Daniel is, quote, one of those bigs, in that he got bigged by a fortune teller robot um and that he's a child in a big man's body because he doesn't he seems to have like

a basic understanding of women and how they operate and he has this like false bravado that he immediately backs down from uh at the slightest provocation yeah he's got like a very juvenile sense of humor that doesn't seem like he's immature it just seems like that's i want to say that i'm going to fact check this later i think that was benjamin white who said that in the facebook group it's very funny and probably true i think he's cursed uh so next morning uh ashley's still crying. Hard, now harder, which sucks. Yeah, just a lot of crying. And then it's time for another woman to arrive. And someone named Jen arrives from Ben's season.

Now, did you recognize her? Do you not recognize her? No. Those moonlight boobs. Oh. And I'm very, very sorry that that is how I've just referred to her. Did we talk about that on the show? We did.

Okay. Yeah, they've heard it before. Okay, good. Because I'm thinking about it now, and it's a bit off color. So that was like the only thing that was memorable about her. Was that she wore. There was a scene where she wore a dress. She wore a dress where the moonlight really highlighted her features.

Not just highlighted. It was like fluorescent paint. And Ben seemed to just be fixated. And Ben was like transfixed on it. Okay, yeah. Well, she didn't make it very far she didn't i think she got i think she got booted first episode uh so everybody again this is this is kind of how the show works in that anytime anyone arrives everyone's like oh who's that let's say some nice things about how attractive she is um and there's a funny scene where the twins try to catch her up on who's with who oh it's fantastic and also great because you don't need to watch the rest of the show you can just watch this one

so all these little rundown all these little bubbles of faces pop up as they give the whole backstory on who's been with who and who's still with who and and that kind of thing uh nick makes it clear that she is quote stunning and that she's going to be his new conquest. And Daniel. Daniel's so good, dude. He's like, I will pay you money to take me on this date with you. And she's like, you'll pay me money? He's like, yeah, but they're Canadian dollars, so they're not going to be worth a whole lot.

Because she reads the date card and says that it's a yacht date. And Daniel's like, oh, boats. I love boats. In his Canadian voice. Boots. He calls them boots. Yeah. And so then it's... That was a cheap joke. Hi, everybody. This is Griffin McElroy. That was a cheap joke and I apologize for it because it also

didn't make any sense. And it was offensive to my Canadian friends and I apologize from the bottom of my heart and I hope in time you can forgive me. Should I have called you on that you really should have like i'm i'm actually worried about like where we are at in the discourse i feel like there's a part of the show where i just let you kind of say stuff like that canadian flag and i just kind of don't respond to it am i you're part of the problem i'm an enabler you're definitely okay i'm sorry i'll try and be better about that uh and so so it seems like jen is her choice is between

nick and daniel uh because nobody's any nobody's ever gonna want evan yeah nobody's gonna want evan it's between nick and daniel and uh nick puts it on the table, says, you know, I'm intrigued by you, and I would love to go on the state. And she picks him. Yeah. Is this when we get round two of Evan? Yes. Okay. We get the hint that Carly's in on it.

Carly is speculating, saying, would Evan have faked an illness to get me to stay with him? And Sarah is like, I mean, so maybe that's that's kind of romantic isn't it like no i wanted to reach into it carly said something along the same lines like no it's not romantic like there's part of there's part of carly that's like he's so desperately into me and i almost am charmed by it that would be fine if that desperation was not met with some shit that's just so bad. And so Evan tells us he's taking some medication for the ankle. And when they come to check on his ankle, it's swollen and red and hot. And they want him to go to the hospital.

And Evan at first is like, I don't know that I really want to go to the hospital and evan at first is like i don't know that i really want to go to the hospital but then he like recognizes he could spend some quality time with carly is the perfect opportunity for a date and it's like you're not even hot you're not even hiding it you're not even hiding it then and he says quote carly may be the only medicine i need and then winks this is where we get to see the worst IV placement in medical history. You don't think? No. I'm wondering, like, did they have a producer put on scrubs and pretend to put an IV in? That's the only thing I could think.

If not, or maybe it was one of those doctors that didn't have to take the Hippocratic Oath, so they do a little bit of harm before they get in there and do their business. Because we got ourselves a gusher here, folks. They were doing it in the back of a... They're in an ambulance. They're in an ambulance. But still, it was a gushy mess on this arm, folks. And granted, I don't look when they're putting a needle in my vein.

But when I do turn back to my arm, it is not covered in blood. It's usually not covered in two pints of my own blood. So they go to the hospital. Carly goes with him. Evan, because he's a little doped up, is more relaxed than maybe he's ever been. And Carly actually kind of enjoys his new relaxed demeanor. The nurse in the room lets her look in evan's ear it's like i've always wanted to look in an ear and so she looks in i thought this was going to be like a oh there's no brain in there

joke but no she just really wanted to look in that ear yeah uh that's it's her belly button fetish it's her daniel belly button fetish. And she seems to start to rationalize. She's telling us, she's saying, you know, I'm really what I'm looking for is just a good person. And Evan is really a good person. So maybe I'm back on the Evan train. Choo choo, she says. And so Jen and Nick are on their date. Jen says that she's

quote intrigued by Nick people love using that word intrigued I think it's because the TV show makes them pretend to be very very in love with each other and so they use just sort of the softest words they can find they're on a yacht together and they're hoping to see dolphins

and Jen and maybe I wrote this down incorrectly so let me know did Jen say that dolphins are quote, the only mammals to have sex for pleasure? I was, I must, I have to admit, I don't remember much about their date, which probably means I was paying attention to something else while we

watched it separately. Cause this was, I watched this today while you were at work. Um, I don't remember that, but I don't think i was watching that was funny is that she didn't say if i wrote this down correctly she didn't say the only mammals besides humans but not only that even that would not be true because there's monkeys that bone just yeah

crazy she said it kind of like it was like a line that she used sometimes to let men know that she was like you know she was willing to talk about sex uh And Nick is just like, oh, that's really interesting. Okay. I mean, it is interesting. So then they go on the beach, and the beach is covered in crabs. They are just attacked. And they are trying to sit and talk on the beach, and there are just crabs everywhere,

and Nick is having to fling them away left and right. And they both die because of the crab bites and they lay down in the sand and kiss in the surf and there are more crabs and there's just lots of crabs so many crabs y'all uh can i say something though yeah there were a lot of crabs this season has a lot of crabs on it and i hear people mentioning like why there's so many crabs like that's a good question is anybody looking into that because there's a ton of crabs this time yeah i don't remember this many crabs don't remember this many crabs ever there's a hundred million crabs there's too many too many crabs i'll say it maybe it's it's some kind of weather pattern brings el nino i hear a lot of

people talking about that i've never figured out what it is you know what el nino means in spanish what's that? The crab. There's just one of them? There's a big crab under the ocean that's commanding his legion? And it changes the weather. Damn that El Nino. He's making everything so hot all over the place. Well, at least we got something we know we can kill to stop this global warming thing.

And we're fucking the best at that. Gotta get down in that ocean and find him. You're really good at preparing crab, too oh you know i am so we got our friend evan we last beach trip we went on me and justin we were walking around we have a friend that is also named evan yeah oh yeah sorry not at all similar to the oven on the show no maybe the exact uh human opposite of this and just imagine that person you just run up and up and grabs off the beach. That's what we need. Yeah, he grabs him with his hands.

So we need him to solve global warming. To solve global warming. Only you can do it, Evan. And so the date seems okay. They seem to be into each other, but it seems to be primarily based on attraction. Sure. It's not like they have any kind of deep chats.

And so now we cut back to the island uh where they all are and i don't think it's actually an island i just called it that no it's not ashley's still crying uh she has to have used up her three yeah okay kayla is starting to get worried um And Kayla tells us, like the viewer says, Ashley loves without hesitation, which I just thought was such a poetic way to describe what Ashley does. Yeah, but also if you break down what that means, I don't think it's an especially flattering observation. But it's just a very graceful way of describing it. Yeah. I mean, she's perfect.

She can perfectly. 002 is more poetic than the original yeah the language centers of her of her ai cortex have been uh so it's cocktail party time and kayla and jared are talking and kayla's like you know i just want to make sure that our love doesn't end up one sided. You know, I've been kind of reserved. And I just want you to know that I'm worried, like, frankly, that I'll end up like Ashley, I and Jared's like, Well, honestly, I do want you to open up a little bit more. But you know, go go at your own pace. And I'll follow suit. They're having very adult conversations, which is promising. He tells us, the viewer, he's going to give his rose to Kayla,

which we don't really need to hear that. But they do kind of tease, like, oh, maybe he'll give it to Ashley I because he feels bad for her or something, but we're pretty sure it's Kayla. And Nick is talking to Ashley I, and this is a big win for Nick. Nick is really just not savage. Yeah, just not being patient with her at all says didn't you mentally prepare yourself for this? This isn't love. This is obsession. You will never be with Jared. Straight up like that, that straight up like you will never be with jared you will never be with jared and it was it was like cruel in a way but like nobody said that to her i don't

think no i know i know well the tendency when somebody is like that love lauren to be like oh well you maybe you know maybe one day, like, oh, maybe. Seems like there's really something there. Nick is not going to be that person. And Ashley is just kind of like, what? What do you mean? What? Just not taking it in.

And so then she wants to talk to Jared at the cocktail party. And Jared is just starting to get impatient too like famous nice guy Jared is even just like why are you making this about me and she's like oh it's not about you and he's like didn't you expect to date other guys why would you come here if you didn't and she's like oh I just

wanted to get over you but now that you're so into somebody I can't be here and not be with you while you're with somebody else and i don't know anyway she goes on and on um and then it's a cliffhanger yeah jared threatens to leave the show yeah and that is the cliffhanger yeah jared's like i don't even want to be here right now like and then in the teaser for next week like they kind of make it seem like jared thinks about leaving yeah jared makes some big move or something in that teaser we also get like some hints that couple big couples are gonna break up in the next episode yeah see some trouble in

busy dice um so we'll see we'll see what happens then this this these episodes are going so long and i think it's nobody's fault except for ab's fault, because they keep showing us three hours of television content every time. Was there anything that came out in a minute or less that happened in the after-paradise that's worth discussing? Ashley's dad was on. Oh, boy. They say, like, Ashley cries a lot. We're going to speak to a doctor about maybe why she behaves the way she does. And they pull up a doctor on screen who happens to be her father,

who is a doctor. That can't feel good. And he's, he's like a funny guy. He makes some jokes about how passionate she is. She also suggests that there's a lot more ways that Jared has led her on that. He's like sent her flowers on her birthday and always made a point to be really nice to her

and so she feels like they've met each other's parents apparently so she seems to say like if only you guys knew what I knew you wouldn't think I was crazy alright and that's about it okay so that was that was this week

how much more bib do we get i really wish they were just just my only thing just space it out because we're going to be like at the end of september and bip will be over and it's like you could have made it last twice as long i feel like i'm consuming maybe a little bit too much bip right now one option we have and we haven't figured it out yet somebody in the facebook group says that canadian bachelorette starts in september i've heard that and they made it seem like maybe we can watch episodes on the website i don't know if that's true but that would be a nice do that that would be a dope dope way for us to keep it a very nice time quite literally i imagine everybody is very nice and funny yeah just a lot of folks just aspiring to be on

Second City or something. Just kind of like an episode of Kids in the Hall or SCTV. That's all we expect from you, Canada. Yeah. Just be as funny as Kids in the Hall. I want to thank the person that sent us the napkins. Oh, yeah. So we got some very nice cloth napkins with some rosebuds on them.

They're from Picking Daisies. Yeah. Kay and DeeDee. Do you want to take a stab at the name you know i can't read cursive it's like another language to me well there's definitely k k you you do your name is easy enough to read i think it might be dd Yeah. Either way, their website is pickingdaisiesinslo.com. And the napkins are lovely. They're cloth napkins. They suggested that we could use them for our parties, which we will do because they are beautiful.

Yeah. Thank you. Thank you. Our P.O. Box is P.O. Box 66639, Austin, Texas, 78766, if you want to send us anything. Otherwise, if you just tell a friend about the show. Sorry the episode's late. Sorry. Yeah, I planned it bad.

Yeah. Otherwise, we'll see you next week, next Wednesday morning. Fingers crossed. Until next time, I'm Griffin McElroy. I'm Rachel McElroy. When you're ready. Stay with us on this journey of joy. Spoiler alert.

She is up with Soulja Boy!