Wonderful! - Ep. 34: Make Out With Your Mind

Episode Date: August 24, 2016

If, for some reason, you're having trouble downloading this episode of the podcast, don't fret! You can just download any other episode where we talk about the non-existent relationship between Jared and Ashley I., because apparently, there are people who haven't gotten enough of that particular saga. Please, please God, set us free. MaxFunDrive ends on March 29, 2024! Support our show now by becoming a member at maximumfun.org/join.

Maybe, maybe you should go and do some contemplating. Right reasons, right reasons, being a good girl for all the right reasons. Right reasons, right reasons, being a good girl for all the right reasons. I'm the bachelorette and I'm rapping to your poolside. Here to find true love, one man from a whole lot of... Hi, this is Rachel McElroy. Hi, this is Griffin McElroy. And this is Rose Buddies.

It's a podcast where we talk about the Bachelor shows. You know them. You love them. Your parents love them. Your aunt loves them. Won't stop talking about them. And we're like that. We're like two your aunts.

I say aunts. Well, that's because I'm from Paris. Should we do a French segment on this show? I like to think the whole show is kind of a French segment for me because I just bring that Parisian sort of flair to it. Dear listeners, Rachel and I have been in a monogamous relationship for five years now, and it's been going so great. But I'm going to mix things up here a little bit by asking you, the listener, to just open up that brain mouth and let us make out with your mind. Okay. I didn't know where you were going with that.

I thought you might get worried about where I was going with that. And that's where I was going with it the whole time. We're talking about this week's Bachelor in Paradise. Man, it was a good week. I was so excited to record. Do you want to tell everybody what you're drinking because i was very loud i don't know somebody left it uh chris i think our friend chris parent left it here it's a raspberry jam uh berliner weiss it was it was in a four pack which makes me think it's good like if i see a beer in a four pack and a six pack i'm like that's

gonna be a good beer yeah here's my review i spilled some on myself there's your review um yeah it was a good week y'all like this show after a rocky start where i was so worried about like them losing their way this this is this is peak bip y'all this is like every episode i have like a low level of anxiety that Rod is going to appear. And when he doesn't appear, I just, I feel this release. I know. Well, it's not just that. Like, it's not just that this shithead's not on the show anymore.

It's that it's so, the show is good. And it's good for all the reasons that we love. It is like, we were seeing the praises of the intro sequence again which like really tune into it really well because it's it it summarizes bit perfectly in that it is this self-referential self-effacing both on the macro level like it's the show looking at itself and being like this is a clown show for clowns and each of the people on it saying i am the clown of the clown show it's so fucking good and this week was like a perfect little nugget of it it reminds me of like a really good theme song or you know intro

song like you just get hype you watch that and you're just like i can't wait to go to paradise um let's get started talking about it i missed like the first 10 minutes of the show yesterday, so I'm a little bit foggy because for our friends, not just my, you made an amazing meat sauce, red sauce for some pasta, and I put together some Parmesan garlic rolls that really flooded my basement. Yeah, I mean, it was pasta and garlic bread. bread i don't i didn't feel like it was super fancy your red sauce was out of control you gotta drop that recipe in the group i tried to think of a way to shorten the word recipe right there and there's no good way to do it but drop that rest yeah that's sappy that's not bad uh it there wasn't a recipe so i you just freestyled that

one off the dome yeah god maybe you're the one bringing the parisian well you know me i don't like to brag i mean you you you know you like to for me it's not bragging i just want to keep people updated on all the great things i've been up to so what is bragging then no i'm doing it for them just like keep it because i don't want that i've been up to so what is bragging then no i'm doing it for them just like keep it because i don't want that i don't want to be taught like a year from now i want some great thing i did a year ago and people be like why didn't you tell us about that okay it's a service to the listeners it's a subscription-based griffin update service and at no cost to you no not at all um what happened on the show bachelor in paradise

so uh monday night's episode is kind of leading up to the rose ceremony and the big drama that carries over is jared and ashley um ashley has been crying pretty much non-stop and jared finally kind of confronts her um and it's like why why are you hey why are you still doing this yeah why did you do this jared had threatened to leave the show at the end of the last episode although that does not end up happening um yeah it was a fairly empty threat well and he kind of calls her because she's like, I came to get over you. And he's like, yeah, but you knew I would be here. How did you think you would get over me if I was here? And she's like, oh, I thought maybe I'd like somebody more. But it's just become clear.

She hasn't tried. She has not tried even a little bit. She's been there like a day. And so Jared says, Ashley, I like Kayla. And Ashley's like, are you sure you don't want to be with me ever? And Jared's like, I can't believe we're talking about this. Yeah. And so Ashley goes to Jorge and kind of pours her heart out.

And Jared starts talking to Kayla because he's just spent a bunch of time with ashley and as he's talking to kayla you can hear ashley crying in the background this has to be a work this is a shoot could either be a fun edit so that they are quote unquote fun at i mean at this point i'm so completely over ashley i not just like I'm over her so fully and completely that I have just no sympathy. This is the fourth time that this has happened. And if I did have sympathy at the beginning of this episode, I certainly did not by the end of it. Because it's just like, it's, I can't believe anything other than the fact that this is her character. And I think she's like leaning into it because how many times does a person have to tell you like well she thinks she's gonna get her way like she thinks

that she has the kind of power where she can make something happen what what evidence does she have that that's ever been true on this television i think and this this is gonna sound like a value judgment but i think that she is a woman that is used to being persistent and getting what she wants. I think that's true of every human being on this television show. Every single one of these like attractive people are probably, are probably doing okay. And that's the thing that like,

I have to keep stepping back and like thinking like, okay, this is a, this is, this is a work, but but like i can't i i have no there is nothing left inside of my heart there is no more sympathy for ashley i yeah it hasn't even been here this season and it's not just like a tragic love story because for example ashley tells jorge the bartender i would rather be in a body cast than have to see what i see with kayla and and jared it's not tragic love story because jared's not into jared has never i think they dated for like a minute on the last season a bit

yeah and that was mainly him just trying to like give it a shot to see you know it didn't it didn't yeah i just as it's a weird thing right because this is one of those like points of friction where when you start talking about that capital t capital r true romance but also it being a television show that has to be entertaining there's a point of friction and that like i the viewer don't give a fuck about this anymore abc ashley jared i don't fucking care anymore. I haven't fucking cared all season. I barely fucking cared last season.

You have to stop. Please, please stop with it. Please stop with this. Please stop. Well, don't blow your rage wad this early in the episode. But this is the whole episode and the episode after is the Ashley. Yeah, and that's what I'm saying. We've got more to cover. But a lot of the, okay, I will say that a lot of the ashley jared stuff was like it was

basically the same thing that happened like six times over the course of the two episodes yeah so maybe we could condense it by being angry about it up front at the top like and then more dumb dumb stuff with ashley and jared happens yeah um meanwhile so they're on the on the downswing if you can call it that uh which would imply there was an upswing which there wasn't but on the upswing uh carly and evan okay i literally turned around to like take the the these amazing beautiful garlic parmesan rolls out of the oven and when i turned back around they were like kissing and in love so what happened so carly actually feels kind of guilty i think about what a hard time she's given evan oh you mean like how she said she made her lady boner go flaccid and run away yeah something to that extent how she can't believe he had three kids yeah none of this is stuff that she said to him but she has been very cool to him uh and so she said you know i've had such a good time with you lately um and i'm just

i'm sorry you know that i've been so standoffish about us and he just immediately kisses her seems a little bit better than their last one but they're this time they weren't is her seems a little bit better than their last one but they're this time they weren't yeah she's not complaining screaming fans and they didn't have a hot you know spicy produce in their mouth she's not complaining about the kissing anymore which i don't know if that means it's gotten better or if she's just gotten used to it that's and but that is the evan and carly story kind of that's true that's the subtitle i just need america to sit me down and tell me how to feel about evan and carly because i think they've both done like carly said some really heinous stuff evan has done some really heinous stuff and now like this show is

like but they cute aren't they and i think about it i'm like they are kind of cute yeah there are examples of this working right like this isn't a bad sign necessarily that she wasn't into it at first right i guess no i mean i don't know it is again it's a tv show i would say that i don't think i have any seth and summer well no i was just gonna say my experience is that if the feeling isn't there early, it's never going to come. Yes. But I think that there's a possibility that she was just kind of superficial and maybe she's... I think she was waiting for more boys to come in.

Yeah, I mean, and there still could be somebody... There's still boys to come in, including that big W. Where is Wells? Oh, my gosh. Give us the Wells, chris throw the fucking switch i saw in the facebook group that everybody's like where is wells and we have been asking the same question wells though every single like person that came down the stairs where's wells because we know that wells and ashley i have a moment and every week it seems like ashley i's

gonna go home yeah and we know that she won't go home until after wells arrives including this week let's get to that let's get to that rose here my okay um so the big question is who's who is daniel gonna give his rose to uh and daniel's kind of romancing the ladies because he knows that he's up for grabs because i guess apparently him and sarah are not as as on again as we thought they were yeah the show didn't really hit too hard on this i think it's because weirdly enough maybe they had one of the more sort of adult situation like the one of the more mature relationships where like they had that you remember they had that kiss and she was like it was all right i think like the heat wasn't necessarily there and so both of them were kind of just like cool with the other person just drifting away yeah and they just didn't make a big deal out of it so he didn't see it on tv so sarah bakes him half a cake for his half birthday this

was cute and so then he brings the cake back to the group and uh the twins who are trying to win over daniel are like oh shoot what are we gonna Uh, and so the twins decide that one of them is going to kiss Daniel. Y'all, y'all, this, this whole sequence is the most like little rascals shit. Like I've ever seen on this television production. Um,

Emily, Emily decides it should be Haley. Yeah. And so Haley is going to give Daniel the kiss kiss and then the behind the scenes interview is just like nope nope please don't make me kiss please don't make me kiss the side he's like no just one little kiss just one little kiss it'll be fine and so hayley and daniel go to talk and the talk is bad it's a bad talk daniel compliments hayley on her butt um does he use a simile or metaphor in order to, probably, right? You know, he probably does,

but I actually, I didn't write it down. Your butt's like a good bird. All right, man. Your butt's like two turkeys. That doesn't seem like it'd be good. You don't even know. Oh, yeah? Turkey butt?

Is that, is that hot? Like, but like dead, like butter, like frozen turkeys. Wow. Not two living turkeys. You don't want a butt with two turkey heads. Like a 10-pounder? Yeah.

Yeah, 10-pounder. So like 20 pounds of butt? 20 pounds of butt and a 10-pound pants. That sentence really got away from me there at the end. So Haley, when I thought, so when Emily was trying to psych Haley up to give the kiss, I thought, oh, she's really going to pour it on on this kiss. Like, this isn't just going to be like a little one. This is going to be like, Daniel, I'm really interested in you. And here's a big old fat 5, 10, 15 second make out.

Now, it was just a little peck. It was, it was, maybe that's the type of kisses that um that he likes yeah this is like a bird thing i just pictured daniel coming back to the group and like raising his hands triumphantly and be like i got to first i got to first guys hayley and i just got to first i had my second kiss ever y'all this kiss was like straight up like the two kids at the end of love actually yeah that's about where we're at here that's good it was bad it was it was not steamy or passionate it was chased if it were in if in like in like a nathaniel hawthorne situation they would call it a chased kiss yeah absolutely um so then uh daniel actually approaches ashley i who's having her own little uh her own little fit out in the jungle somewhere.

Yeah, and he says some kind of funny stuff. He's like, you know, Jared's not that good looking. In fact, he's very ugly. And he's saying this, interrupting her while she's like, no, he's super beautiful and perfect. He's like, he's not that attractive, actually. He's an ugly man. And then Daniel starts giving her this advice that she just needs to go out and sleep with a bunch of guys to like get over him. It was weirdly like that scene in 40 Year Old Virgin where they're telling him just to like go hook up with a bunch of women.

And yeah, that would be only it was Daniel potentially talking to somebody who he could be dating on. Yeah. on the TV show? Yeah, well, and then he has this aside with the camera where he starts talking about all the reasons that he's interested in Ashley as a virgin. And then he goes on to say why it would be good to have sex with a virgin. And then they put up a please stand by visual

to suggest that he gets very graphic and they can't even air it. Which is, you've done me a great service there abc because if he did if he got as clinical as you suggest you're right i want no part of that yeah i want nothing to do with it but they had like a kind of a cute interaction like i feel like daniel and ashley i had these nice interactions both on their date and and in this conversation so we get to the rose ceremony and all the roses go to the people you think they would go to. Yeah, Grant and Lace, Josh and Amanda,

Nick and Jen, Vinny and Izzy, Evan and Carly, Jared and Kayla. Daniel. Which, by the way, I hate TV show. You're trying to make it seem like

Jared was trying to decide whether or not he wanted to give his rose to Kayla or Ashley. Or leave the show. Or leave the show. That's some fucking cognitive dissonance. Daniel picks Haley, so that means that Ashley and Sarah leave the show or leave the show that's some fucking cognitive dissonance uh daniel picks hayley so that means that ashley and sarah should go home because they did not get roses here's the

thing it's a shitty thing for daniel to do sarah baked him a sweet cake ashley and him seem to have like a nice connection sarah chose him over christian yeah and so he picked hayley because she gave him the smallest kiss any human being has ever i mean judging from the little after show yeah he's been hanging out with those twins a lot but i think it was the i don't think any of us were expecting that that to go that way i mean i was disappointed you know sarah went home and and that this this new relationship between him and ashley i was gonna get shot down but here's the thing you can't like daniel some of the time for being a complete goobus and then when he does some goobus shit like this get angry at him you gotta love

him you can you definitely can you gotta love him at his best you gotta love him at his worst i don't think you have to though that's our goober boy. I still want to protect him so much. We figured out how to tell the twins apart. Emily E. Earrings. Emily has more earrings than Haley. So as long as you can see their ears, there is a flaw in this. You cannot always see their ears. But when you can emily has more earrings maneuver where i think emily has a a

mole on her or like a little freckle on the left side of her face but i can't see it most of the time it's hard yeah by the time i remember which one has that they're off the screen and then i miss my fast i know uh and so it's a bummer to see Sarah go. Yep. We liked Sarah a lot. This is a good season. It's weird. Like, I was so cool on the roster for this season because, like, I liked Sarah, but I didn't think she was, like, a particularly entertaining person.

But, like, I've really grown to like her. The twins, too. Like, I've never been a twins fan. But this season, like, they've been you know funny and uh yeah i have a hard time reconciling my feelings about the twins because they're they've said some bogus shit like i'm the best one i'm the best person here they're so immature yeah well they're 23 years old dude yeah but even when i was 23 I wasn't like a high school girl anymore, you know? I was.

No. Well, that would have been difficult for us as a couple, I think. It would have been. So Ashley gets in her limo to go home, and she's crying. And then there's a point where she says i can't leave like this and gets the driver to stop the car and she goes back to the rose palapa and nick sees her and audibly groans he actually says ash come on yeah and and then ashley delivers And then Ashley delivers this con that works somehow. It works so well.

And I want to call every person that's been on this show that was there in that fateful palapa and call them and just be like, what are you doing? She, I wanted Chris Harrison to swoop in and say, this is not allowed. This isn't legal. You can't just be like, I don't want to be kicked off this show. I'm lost. She says, you know, I know that I've come here and that I've wasted my opportunity. But, you know, I've gotten some closure with Jared. And since I have, I've been better.

And I really recognize that I need to give this a fair shot. And can I have a second chance? And then straight up, like, oh, Captain, my Captain style. Everyone says yes. One at a time. Including Jared. Including Jared. And at that point, I was like, Jared, you don't deserve love.

You don't deserve this relationship with Kayla. It's going to blow up in your face. Like, what are you doing? You know this is not going to happen. You know this is this relationship with Kayla. It's going to blow up in your face. What are you doing? You know this is not going to happen. You know this is not going to work. We all know this is not going to work. Yeah. It's unbelievable.

I think I would have been the person to just be like, no. I know. Absolutely not. Can we have a minute to discuss this as a group? Because no. Because A, you had the chance and you didn't do it. B, if we give you another chance, you're still not going to fucking do it. And C, what if you take away my boo?

Yeah. It's a competition and you lost it. Well. Go the fuck home. All the guys should have stood there and looked at each other and said, are you interested in her? No. Is anybody here interested in Damien Ashley? No.

No. Dang. Okay. No, dang. Okay, well, no. Sorry, we talked. Should we keep her here on the hypothetical chance that someone will arrive and maybe that person will be worthy of her attention? Like, what? Come on, no.

Anyway, they all say yes. They all say yes. So she gets to come back on the fucking show, which like, listen, if you're listening to this and you ever get to be on Survivor and you get voted out and they put out your torch just like i'd really like to still be on the show okay thank you everybody guys i'm sorry about dumping the rice and for losing every single challenge now i'm gonna start trying can i try it second chance style i would love to win the million dollars instead of you i'd love to steal your boyfriend can i still be

on the fucking show please yeah that brings up a good point like there are there are basically no stakes other than everybody having a good time and even that seems like enough to be like this ruins this show now because like there are no stakes there is nothing so like at this point everybody who gets voted out should just be like i'd like to stay is that okay i'm going to cite the Ashley I precedent of two days ago and also request to stay. I'm not going to find love, but I fucking love getting drunk in a pool and eating lasagna. Maybe somebody really hot's going to come, and then they could be for me. Maybe.

We'll see. Okay. So it's a new day in paradise, and it's time for a new man. And that new man is Carl. Carl. Carl. Carl. Carl.

Y'all this dude. Was he on Andy season? Yes. Okay. Nobody, nobody knows who he is. And he is another one of those characters from this season of bachelor in paradise where the whole point is that nobody knows who he is and he is another one of those characters from this season of bachelor in paradise where the whole point is that nobody knows who he is which is horrifying because andy's season was we figured this out the other day but the last bachelorettes have been uh jojo and then

caitlin and then andy andy and then was Des before or after Andy? Des was before. Des was before Andy. So Andy was three bachelorettes ago. Yeah. I couldn't name a single person who was on that season of the television show. Other than Nick and Josh. Other than Nick and Josh.

Yeah. So anyway, that's more of a horrifying statement about our culture consumption. so anyway that's more of a horrifying statement about like our culture consumption no but but still it nobody knows who he is nobody knows who carl is so much so that you will you will hear us reference this but like it's when people talk about him they say and so anyway hayley's uh hooking up with kevin and oh that's not his name no it's not clark is it clark clark no no no kirk is it kirk no kirk was on last season broke carl's heart With Kevin and, oh, that's not his name? No, it's not Kevin. It's Clark. Is it Clark? Clark? No, no, no. Kirk?

Is it Kirk? No. Kirk was on last season, broke Carl's heart. Carly, Carl. Carl! Carl! Carl! There's like a celebratory, like, Carl?

Carl! The best one of those is when Carly can't remember his name. It's like, what's his name? Kevin? Carl? Carl! Oh oh it's my name that really was like the best oh man we were fucking rolling oh it's so good that's like the easiest mnemonic device it's like if i met a woman named Griffin-o. You're like, what was her name? Garofalo? Garofalo? Griffin-o? Griffin-o!

Oh, it's my name. It's my name with an O on the end of it. So luckily Carl is relatively attractive. So Emily is a big fan. I can't believe you'd say that. I can't believe you would do that well i can't believe you would do that to me you're just like izzy no i am saying that carl's i was just every human being on this show is attractive carl's only feature and the only reason that emily could possibly like him

right away is that he is attractive and i found out online although i think emily does mention it at some point he is also a firefighter like grant is yeah they mentioned that during the show okay yeah it's a regular firefighter convention yep uh and also arriving shortly after carl is brett well okay so brett walks in with a little bit of prop comedy, which I always appreciate. Brett is the one from Andy's season, and his whole gimmick was that he got out of the limo with a lamp that he had stolen from the hotel room

because his mother had told him, never meet a woman without a gift. This was, I enjoyed it. I think he got eliminated the first night oh yes no because he had to go to jail for theft um i like that bit and they show us that clip too which is surprising but he also walks down the steps like with a lamp with a lamp and to like say like hey i'm brett i'm the lamp guy and it's like i'll be honest with you brett i feel like you're really pushing the point a little too hard here but if you had not done that i know you would be carl to me it was weird that they

took the extra step with brett yeah maybe because the lamp prop seemed so strange and they wanted to set it up correctly somehow because nobody else got that treatment of like here is my limo exit so you remember me anyway uh so brett and and Carl both have date cards as per tradition. And they both get to pick a lady to bring on the date with them. And all of the women are excited. Izzy in particular is excited about Brett. It says her stomach feels like it's flipping seeing this handsome, handsome man. She sees him.

And he, let's kind of describe him so there's brett uh who comes in very tall dark man beard kind of looks like robbie i don't know how else to don't you think like i feel like it looks like robby with that beard and the well manicured did robbie have a beard yeah but yeah yeah. Yeah? Yeah, nice big beard. Not a big beard, but it was a beard. Huh. Well, he wasn't as dark as Brett, though. Okay. I just, I can't picture Robbie with a similar beard as Brett.

But, so Izzy describes him as kind of her exact type, which kind of calls into question Vinny, looks nothing like brett yeah it's a bad break uh that's really that's a shame so brett talks to kayla because he's trying to figure out kind of who's up for grabs oh my god i forgot about this yeah and ashley gets all excited when she sees brett talking to kayla because she's like oh i'll meet brett and kayla go on this date together that'd be so great for me um this is what's this is what's bonkers when both these guys walk in we get a little cut away from ashley talking about how they're attractive but i don't like them even a little bit it's like wow you so the amount of effort that you put into this whole second chances

thing is none effort zero effort negative effort and in fact she does sit down with brett and is talking is like you know you should ask out kayla yeah yeah just like ask out whoever you want don't even don't even worry about jared ask out kayla yeah ask out kayla yeah uh and so so Brett does ask out Kayla. And we think, because Kayla says yes on the spot immediately. Brett's like, Kayla, will you go on a date with me? Kayla's like, yes. I'm like, okay. Which Jared is bummed about.

Yeah. And then Kayla, we have to perfectly get the number of reversals. I tried to take good notes. So Kayla pulls Jared away. We have to perfectly get the number of reversals. I tried to take good notes. So Kayla pulls Jared away. And Kayla all of a sudden starts saying, you know what, Jared, I'll stay. And Jared's like, oh, my gosh, you know, it's up to you. But I really like you.

And I felt really good about us. And I really like spending time with you. And Kayla's like, yeah, you know, I just feel a little bit unsure. And then Jared's like, oh, well, if you feel unsure, then maybe you should go. She's like, yeah, yeah, maybe I will go. And then Jared's like, okay, well, you know, I mean, it'll be hard for me. But, you know, I want to support you, you know, whatever you want to do. She's like, you know i mean it'll be hard for me but you know i want to support you you know whatever you want to do she's like you know what no i'll stay and then she goes to tell brett brett i think i'm gonna stay but let's let's go on a walk and talk about it and then they go on the

walk and then in the process of the walk she flip-flops like three or four more times ultimately ending on okay i'll go on the date yeah and so they says no says yes says no says yes a lot of people in the rosebuddies group were suggesting that maybe she was malfunctioning no i mean she doesn't malfunction anymore not since 2.0 are you sure i mean yeah what could possibly get in there she can eat and digest food like a human being. And you don't think sand's a problem? This is, we talked about this. She's got sand proof dermal layers. What about the crabs, though? What about all the crabs?

What, the crabs are putting out some sort of wireless signal? No, they're crawling in. If sand can't get through her dermal apparatus, her dermal augmentations, there's certainly, like, crabs aren't getting in there okay that's a good point it's got to be it's got i mean maybe she was hacked by operatives snowden maybe snow maybe it was edward snowden are you trying to do like a crossover character situation here i forgot how his name was actually pronounced because we pronounce it so many bad ways on the other podcast okay uh so she decides to go and jared is sad

and ashley is very excited ashley tells us the viewer jared is the new ashley uh she is excited that he is the sad one and that she just like love you know yeah you know when we're in love and like um just like something something really terrible happens and you start crying and i'm like now you're like me now you're like me the sad one i love your sadness it pleases me this date they go on by the way is the is maybe the trashiest date that uh this show has ever had for sure literally just a booze cruise trashier than senior frogs which is like way to go y'all uh so it's emily and carl kayla and brett Emily and Carl, Kayla and Brett. They're on like a booze cruise with a bunch of randos. Hey, who? Hey, Chris, who the fuck are all these people?

It's like it shows the four of them dancing in the center of the boat. And then just a bunch of looky loos standing around. You couldn't book your own cruise booze boat, guys? How shoestring is the fucking budget for this for this project yeah that was really it was a strange sight to be although i say that if they were the four of them were on a booze cruise on a big booze cruise boat by themselves just getting drunk and dancing on each other that would be the weirdest shit ever and in fact i'm a hundred percent sure now talking about it that that's exactly what all of the the people in charge of

the show realized when they got on the booze cruise boat and were like this sucks and is weird everybody who's not holding a camera or a boom mic get in there start partying oh so you think it was all producers and and best boys and key grips and all that jazz yeah I guess that I don't know how big the staff is on this production, but I guess it's probably pretty big. So while they are on this little party situation, Ashley is kind of lurking around Jared. They're both on a beach mattress.

And Ashley's like, you know, are you sad? I'm sorry about this. And Jared's like, yeah, you know, I'm a little bum. And Jared's like, yeah, you know, I'm a little bum. And Ashley's like, oh, you know, you can cry if you want to. And he was like, thanks. It was, like, very apparent she was pouncing on this opportunity. It's hard. What's hard, do you remember the Jaden Tanner wedding special?

Do you remember it? Griffin, of course I do. You gave me a look in your face. Well, okay, no, but there's a thing in that special, which was that Ashley and Jared, who hadn't seen each other much since the first bit, where they kind of hooked up and it didn't work out, and then Ashley started on this conquest,

and they were just like buds, and it seemed like a pretty good thing. And I think that's just because I actually really enjoy Ashley when she's not just doing this one same thing. Yeah, she's entertaining. She's entertaining, and I think she's smart and funny. It's just this one thing that this show just keeps hammering home that i am so completely over and it's a bummer because like they seem perfectly nice together

um and there was a part of me that was like jared why are you entertaining this as much as you like she's obviously coming at you trying to like talk you out of yeah being interested in kayla and you're kind of entertaining it in a way but like i don't know it's hard to it's hard to hold that against him i don't think he's stringing her along considering the previous night he told her in no uncertain terms we will never date but yeah so we go back to the date the date is emily dancing with carl they seem to be having a good time uh she's like she's like like grinding them on the front of the boat and at some point like the dj like stops the music and it's like how are you guys doing and she's like upside down on him and the dj holds the mic up to her and she goes bueno and it was i thought that was i thought that was very um kayla starts to get uncomfortable

though there's a scene there's a scene where the men are supposed to like their objective that they have been given is to um to strip and and grind on the women they are with uh and kayla's like no no thank you like brett starts to get on her and she's like no no no no no no no no no no no i'm fine and then like shannon tells him like i should not have come on this date with you i'm sorry like yeah i have a good thing with jared and i want to go home yeah she's like you know when we were about to go on the stage jared kind of took more of a stand than i've ever seen him take before and it just kind of clarified some of my feelings for him uh so they come back from the date this is like the shortest date and the word like the shittiest yeah and um kayla pulls jared aside

right away and just says you know it's just like it's the pressure of this and I hate pressure. But I just wanted, you know, I wanted to be honest with you and I want us to communicate. And it seems like she doesn't really say, like, this date solidified my feelings for you. No. But. It's basically what she was saying. Yeah, it's basically what she was saying.

This whole conversation, Ashley is literally hiding in the bushes listening to every word. And then Ashley starts crying again. There is another person that arrives. I honestly don't even remember. Ryan B. I fucking can't. I can't.

Ryan? Ryan B. Ryan J. Ryan R. Ryan B. Ryan B! Like, I can't remember a single thing about him, including what I saw in this episode I watched yesterday.

He's from Caitlin's season. Okay. Okay. Yeah. What did he do? What's his thing? I don't remember him. I think I'm being gaslit by ABC and the TV show,

and these are just strangers that are walking on, and you're like, oh, you know, Carl. Sorry, sorry no there's never been a man named carl on the show before i know very few things in in my life i but one of them is that there's never been a carl on this show before this is brayden no it's not brayden so the sad thing is is Ryan comes on and Ryan says that he was actually looking to see if Sarah was still there and Sarah was not. Damn it, Daniel. Damn, Daniel. Yeah. Back at it again with breaking my heart.

So Ryan talks to Ashley because he knows that Ashley is up for grabs. Ashley talks more about Jared and says, quote, I find Jared to be the entire package. By the way, they started talking because Jared was like, you know you should date. Oh my God, I have an idea. And Ryan sees right through that. Ryan B says, I think Jared's just trying to force me off on Ashley. And at that point, actually, okay, now I remember.

I remember seeing that and being like, okay, Ryan B came to play, knows I remember. I remember seeing that and being like, okay, Ryan B. came to play. Knows the angles. So Ryan picks Haley to take on his date. Which Daniel then makes some bird references. He's a papa bear, and how dare he take his pigeon away. It's like, bears and pigeons don't hang. Bears and pigeons are not known to chill together.

Yeah. Haley kind of dismisses Daniel a little bit to Ryan. Says, Daniel's kind of been following me around. Like, he picked me at the rose ceremony, but, like, nothing's really happening there. And so Ryan and Haley also get their very own horse date. Oh, that's right. They ride horses together. It was good. It was good, I guess.

That's all I rode. Yeah, that's it. That's all they did. They rode horses. And remember they mounted up the horses on like right next to a waterfall? I thought this is picturesque, but it's extremely dangerous. She's never ridden a horse before, and you're going to make her mount up her first time on wet rocks. That's not good.

her first time on wet rocks that's not good uh and so then we cut back to um the group and grant has planned a surprise for lace and tells her to be ready in 30 minutes and then he takes her to a separate private pavilion where he has arranged for a couple's massage you always have to have a second palapa it is so important i feel like they're gosh could we even count there are so many palapas a lot of palapas it's a regular fucking ewok village play set up in here maybe that's why chris harrison clarified the rose palapa and not the rub palapa or the boom boom palapa And not the rub palapa. Or the boom boom palapa. Boom boom palapa is my favorite Black Eyed Peas song.

Could you sing that a little bit? Boom boom palapa. Boom boom palapa. I'm on that next shit. You're so 2000 and late. I'm so 2000 and great. I don't think those are the words. No, but you made it current because I believe in the original song

they say 2008 and clearly. Oh, it's not that year anymore though. That song Hey Boom Boom Palapa came out eight years ago. Wow. Yeah. And that's what's ironic is at this point, Fergie, 2008 is 2008.

Being married to you is like being married to Casey Kasem. It's like being married to a calendar. Do you know who Casey Kasem is? God, baby. I'm 29. I'm not 14. Okay. I'm just making sure.

So they have their massages. Here's the old American Idol judge. Here's the one Ryan Seacrest was like, get out the fuck out of here, Casey Kasem. This is my gig now. And Casey Kasem left and no one ever saw him again. I think he hosted like one season of America's Funniest Videos before Burt Bacharach took over. Okay. Don't do any Wikipedia editing based on whatach took over. Okay. Don't do any Wikipedia editing

based on what you just heard. Okay. So they have their massages. I have a legion of fans who will do that for me. I can say anything right now and people will go change the... Hey, did you ever watch Whose Line Is It Anyway with Wayne Knight on it?

And just like that, people are going to go hop on both those things, Wikipediaipedia pages and change it no you know what's actually gonna happen they're gonna get on youtube and they're gonna find the one time that wayne knight guessed it on whose light is in any way right shit okay he probably didn't i bet he was really funny can we talk more about the state yeah i mean it wasn't an official date it wasn't an official date you know i hate cheating they cheated the system you didn't get a date. It wasn't an official date. You know how I hate cheating. They cheated the system. You didn't get a date. You don't get to go.

This has been this whole season. This has been this whole. I didn't get a date card, but I'm going to date anyway. I got kicked off, but I'm going to come back anyway. Chris Harrison says I can't ride him around like a human horse, but I'm going to do it anyway. Anyway. can't ride him around like a human horse but i'm gonna do it anyway after their massages they get in the hot tub with some wine

and grant says that he loves lace and she cries and does not say it back doesn't know that's the important thing here to note yeah um she seems very touched she does actually has a lot of very nice things about her can you be grant and me be lace and you say i love you or you say i love you to me and you're grant and i'm lace okay um i just i really enjoyed our time together i didn't think it was going to happen but i just i love you Lace oh Grant what do you love about me particularly these were quotes I forgot about that

what specifically do you love about me this is the best comeback basically ever to this sentence yeah she says what is it about me and so then he he like it doesn't even faze him he's just like oh you doesn't even faze him. He's just like,

oh, you know, you're just in, he says all these nice things that I didn't write down. And she tears up a little bit and tells us that she's not ready to say it back yet. I'm kind of more into grace than I thought I was going to be for now. It definitely gets a little sour. Yeah. I mean, they seem like a good couple. I don't know that I'm ready for them to be in love either.

Yeah, it's too soon. Too soon. Keep your heart through the stacks. Four weeks. Four weeks is the minimum. No, well, I mean, that's where they're at. They're at about four weeks. That's fine.

So Izzy decides that she's going to tell vinny that she's having some doubts uh because she goes and talks to brett and is pretty honest with brett saying like you know hey i'm i'm like super attracted to you and i just want to be honest about that um and then whatny. What's Brett supposed to do with that information, I wonder? Well, I think she wants to put out there, hey, I'm kind of into it. And I don't know how you feel, but I just wanted to put it out there that I was. And I know that I'm with Vinny, but there you go. I'll drop him for you because you. Yeah.

Okay. Because you have a dark beard and I like that about you. That's fine. And so Vinny oversees them. I don't know if overseas. Oversees is right. Yes. Yes.

This is all to my liking. Yes. I find this most agreeable. Yes. Yes. Yes. Vinny sees them talking and is like, should I worry about this? Should I be suspicious? talking and is like should i worry about this should i be suspicious and then izzy comes back and tells him that she is attracted to brett and vinny is very it takes it really well then he's

like you know that's a human emotion i can totally understand that yeah uh that's not what happens vinny is very upset and basically by the end of that day, everybody knows about the trouble between Vinny and Izzy. Daniel is shocked. Grant offers some kind of weird commentator perspective. I don't know. Oh, he said that she didn't feel this way when the men had the power and were handing out the roses. She didn't feel this way, I think is what he said. And now that she doesn't need your rose, she's looking around for roses or something like that. No, I just know you went on kind of a long tear, basically providing all the ways in which this was inappropriate.

No, no, no. He was saying that when other women were coming in, you, Vinny, didn't look around and shop around. kind of a long tear basically like providing all the ways in which this was inappropriate no no he was saying that when other women were coming in you vinny didn't look around and shop around but as soon as other men started to come in she did and that's busted um carly is super whole premise of the fucking television yeah i know that's the show carly is super annoyed uh and judgy of izzy for being this way and And Vinny very much feels like a second choice. And so Nick is telling him, you know, maybe she'll wake up and realize what she did. And cuts to the next morning, and Izzy wakes up,

and Vinny goes to find her. And she's like, oh, well, hold on. Let me finish putting my makeup on. Let me get the most low-stakes cliffhanger, basically. Is she going to finish drying her hair? And then the twins do another switcheroo on Carl.

Accidentally this time, though. Carl is sitting down with Emily. He went on a date with Haley. He went on a date with Emily. That wasn't a date which one did he go on a date with Emily okay that wasn't me switching them mixing them up I didn't it was more me forgetting who Carl was and what he did um but yes he was sitting next he went he went on a date with Emily Hayley sitting next to him and he's like acting like oh yeah we had a really good time today and so Daniel is

actually kind of a minch here because like he essentially uh uh he he walks over and says um hey when was the last time that you saw emily and he was like he's like you seen emily tonight he's like yeah i have he kind of looks over and it like dawns on him and finally haley's like i'm haley and everybody just like falls down laughing because this was this is how it should happen that's how i wanted this parent trap thing to happen because it was real and beautiful. And the person immediately found out that they were wrong instead of being sent home and having to find out when they watched the episode on TV.

And so it's time for tonight's episode. And so we cut back to the busy drama and everybody is saying, oh gosh, they're like the strongest couple in paradise. We don't know what to think. You know, and Carly's saying he must, Vinny must feel so blindsided. Just doing a little promotion of her. A little promotion of her. Hit single.

One of our friends last night suggested, or maybe it was you, that suggested that he could do a remix of Carly. Okay, so Carly was seeing a guy named Kirk on the last season of Bip. Um, and they did it like from episode one to the final, to the very final episode. And in the final episode, Kirk was like,

Oh, I don't actually, I'm not actually that into her. Um, and they were like, they had like plans to like hook up after the show and all this stuff. And like literally the last, like while people,

people had already left people who had already decided the last like while people people had already left people who had already decided they weren't like in love had already left and so like kirk was like came and took her down to the beach while they were walking down to the beach car was like are you breaking up with me or something yeah that's exactly what she's the way he's doing and he did it he did the damn thing and it was so sad she wouldn't have gotten through without jade her best friend just like just get just holding hand. She wrote a single called Blindsided. She wrote a single called Blindsided. And so, yeah.

And somebody had suggested that Vinny do his own song. And I said, oh, well, he could do the remix of Blindsided. The remix of Blindsided. Which would come in probably pretty hot with him being like, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo. It's DJ Vinsane. Yeah, put him in a strange racket. With my girl Carly, blindsided, the remix. I trusted you.

And then he comes in like, I just came. And Carly's like, please, please stop. Please, not while I, I was like, that was like the emotional climax. Climax! please stop please not while i i was like that was like the emotional climate climax so vinny is waiting outside of izzy's um dormitory palapa and we think izzy's getting ready which she probably was but somehow she comes out with a drink in her hand already this is amazing i can only imagine she leaned out the window of the bathroom where she was getting ready or hey please i'm about to have a bad interaction

and or hey just like threw a pina colada up to her um can we skip their conversation because it's literally the same like i feel like you could compare the dialogue of this conversation and the conversation they had this time there's much more crime but it's still like i saw him and i knew that i just started to doubt this thing i had with you it's like literally this nothing has changed nothing's changed is he's still like well but the one thing that does change is that Vinny basically says, I've chosen to remove myself. Yeah. He's so upset by her actions to give up what they had for somebody that she just met that he's going to leave. Let me check your gut on this.

Let's get into it. All right, let's go. How do you feel about this? Who's in the right? Who's in the right? Who's in the wrong? I don't think either of them is in the wrong. I don't think so either. I feel like, I mean, it went down in a way that maybe wasn't the best, but they've been

dating for a few weeks, and Izzy hadn't really been tested in any way. And she sees a guy, and so she wants to be honest with Vinny and says, hey, I'm kind of into that guy. I'm thinking about, you know, what it would be like to maybe date him. And Vinny hasn't been tempted by anybody else. Sure. And thinks that this is a sign that they should end it yeah and i don't know like i don't think anybody i agree with him leaving i don't think there's any coming back from that i

don't think like yeah i guess especially with the women handing out the roses that week like i don't think vinny's gonna meet meet no he definitely gets he kind of gets the last word by removing himself. Yeah, sure. I feel so like it's a bit, it's like, that's what we do. You gotta swing from vine to vine, grab the sexiest vine you can, and don't let it go. Yeah, the thing that's interesting

about all of this is that Izzy, it's not clear whether she has anything with Brett. Yeah, that's a good point. Like, that's a good point. Like, so she basically threw herself out of contention with Vinny with no safety net of Brett. Safety Brett.

So. Anyway, yeah, so Vinny leaves the show. Vinny leaves. And everybody's real sad about it. All the dudes are mourning him. And Izzy feels super shitty. She's like, I am the worst person. We don't see anything else for the rest of this hour-long episode of TV except her.

Like, whenever we see Izzy, she's crying and being consoled by, like, four people who are praying with their hands on her, essentially. And there's a nice moment where there's two birds on a rock in the ocean that you liked. There's two birds, and they're, like, nuzzling, but then one of them flies away. Done it again, editors. How? This is what I expect from you, not Pizza Moon. I hate to keep going back to Pizza Moon, but that was a complete failure. I enjoyed Pizza Moon.

That was a conceptual and a technical failure. Maybe it was poorly executed, but I thought it was just a pleasant... Poorly executed, poorly conceived. Just a pleasant moment. You just like when round shapes are... I will, and I like pizza a lot. And the moon. And the moon.

Love the moon. I'm gonna take you to the moon one day, babe. Yeah? I bet I probably will. I bet. Will you lasso it for me? No, I'll get you on a rocket ship and take you up up to the shit and you'll touch it and kiss it the moon okay and then i'll get very jealous of the moon and i'll have to fight the moon and then who's going

to tell the waves how to do their thing or when women to get their monthlies oh god i'll tell you who. Me, the new moon. Look up in the sky. Griffin's beautiful tonight. He told me to get my monthly. And he made some sick waves that I surfed on. I carved up some sick waves today down at Redondo that Griffin whipped up for me. And I was like, thanks, G-Dog.

He's like, no problem. Here's your monthly. Whipped up for me And I was like Thanks G-Dog And he's like No problem Here's your monthly It's like American Tale

Where every night A woman looks out To the moon And says Is tonight Is tonight the night Somewhere Out there

Griffin's Dishing out Monthly It's a full time job Being the moon what a weird character you've created that's a good character no it's good it's good i feel like it's in the pocket of big tampax though yeah a little bit sometimes it's true though like around that beautiful hill country texas

and you look up at the sky and i see the moon i'm like fucking kick your ass one day dude just try it come down here and say that's my face the moon what happened on this episode of bachelor in paradise um so what could possibly cheer up this group after the strongest couple in paradise has left them? A little bit of salt in the wind. And it seems hopeless until Jade and Tanner arrive. And Carly and Ashley freak out because they're big fans of jade the camera cannot whip around fast enough to catch carly like running like sprinting full speed to like do a launch hug on jade y'all their friendship is so true and beautiful and powerful and i'd watch a movie about it uh and everything is better everybody is just buoyed by their arrival because they thought, how can we... Except Izzy. I don't think we see Izzy.

Well, no, that's true. So they learn to believe in love again, and Jade and Tanner have been given a very special power. Telekinesis. They... They... That wasn't even that funny i'm just still i'm just so wound up from the moon talk

yeah um well you know why that doesn't even make sense you're pregnant well i still talk to the moon yeah i can't stop talking to the moon while i'm pregnant that's a euphemism right there isn't it how are you doing well i've been talking to the moon the past couple days so you know i like that a lot i can't i can't i'm talking to the moon sorry i'm you know we should next time we're at my doctor we should incorporate that we should see if she's open to to referring to it that way yeah that's how we get it started is in the clinical community. Yes, and approximately how many days a month do you talk to the moon?

When was your last moon talk? So what happens with these dates? Jane and Tanner get a date card that they are able to give to what they define to be the most deserving couple. Who the fuck are they just to they are meeting with the couples and then deciding who deserves the date card um which is a lot of power and everybody treats it as such every couple performs for them and answers a series of questions uh and so they meet they meet with all the big couples um the highlight for me was josh and amanda who were doing their whole like high school

walking down the hallway through the middle of the hallway with their hands in each other's jean butt pockets stuff and as when they left tanner was like it felt like they were really putting it on like strong press i was so proud of tanner for commenting on that because i like those two i forgot how much i liked them josh does this moment where he puts his arm around her and he's just like, oh, my gosh, she's just so great. I just can't get enough of her. And Tanner's like, this is weird. Come on.

They also talk to Lace and Grant. And Grant reveals that he has he has used the L word and Lace has not. And Tanner and Jade are a little uncomfortable about that. Yeah. And Lace is like, we really messed that up. I treated it like almost like it was a college entrance interview. Just like we did not do good in there. No, you did a bad job.

And Grant's like, you're just looking for another reason to push me away. And she's like, no, I just, I feel like it didn't go well. And I'm really concerned about it. And so they talk to all the couples, including the new ones like Nick and Jen. Tanner gives Nick some advice, because Nick is, you know, a seasoned veteran, and Tanner's like, well, you know, Nick,

just don't hold back, go for it, don't leave. Which was weird, because Nick was literally saying, like, my lesson has been learned, I've embarrassed myself twice by going after women, and then coming in second place, and it sucks, and it's been very very intense and i didn't want that to happen well yeah and tanner's saying like nick don't leave having held back you know that's what he's saying like he's saying like this time i decided to hold back because the last two times i didn't and it was bad and tanner's like have you thought about doing the opposite yeah do the opposite thing uh and they talk to ashley um and ashley is like you

know again nobody wants me on this season and i just feel like kayla is like a faker person um and she thinks that she has really convinced jay Tanner, like, oh, don't, don't give it to Kayla and Jared, because I'm telling you on the inside that Kayla is not great. Well, that doesn't convince them. They like Jared. They're rooting for Jared. They like Kayla. So they get the date card.

Ashley says, by the way, this is a fun drinking game. I mentioned this in the Rose Buddies group, every time that ashley says the word nightmare go ahead and take a swig um because it happens seven times a minute yeah she says nightmare scenario she says worst scenario worst nightmare worst nightmare scenario worst nightmare that one doesn't make sense um yeah she's she's bummed um so the after this but before the date we see jen and nick together and jen is saying you know nick i feel like you've had a wall up and i just want every day for us to be like a progression you know she's like i know it sounds crazy to say that so early in our relationship but i know that you're not holding back but we're not really moving forward either uh and then nick says a great line he's like yeah i guess i have been more self-conscious i just

don't want to end up like a trivial pursuit question it's a fucking really really good point nick yeah because like yeah this this failure lost three times on like yeah yeah you don't want that uh and can we talk about nick for a second because like yeah we were having a big nick love fest yesterday because i feel like nick has been genuinely great this this season we were thinking about if we could pick yeah nick for bachelor not just if we could pick Nick for Bachelor. Not just if we could pick. Maybe they're going to do that shit. That would be unprecedented.

No one from Bachelor in Paradise bounces from that into... Well, the show's only three seasons old. But what would be unprecedented in the last, like, what? How many? Ten seasons is going with somebody who wasn't just on the last season. I think Emily was the last person who that happened to um so i just can't who who's it gonna be the the edit has been really good for nick and bib right that's like one of the main pieces of evidence like he has been a genuinely super enjoyable dude. And a lot of the shitty stuff he's done in the past

has kind of been swept under the rug because of this good edit he's been getting. And why would they do that? Because nobody else is getting a good edit. Nobody else on this show is getting a good edit. We had some other things that we talked about last night, but I had been drinking.

Yeah, I think there's a lot of potential with Nick. I think we're more excited about Nick than we are, I don't know, Chase. Anybody else? There's nobody. I can't even pretend to be excited about Luke anymore. Wells, yes, would be great, but that's absolutely not going to happen. It would be Nick before Wells.

I think it makes sense. I think that would get people talking and watching. I think it would be good. I think it would be good. Anyway, let's get back into it anyway jared and kayla's date uh so they get to go on a date to the same location that i guess jade and tanner had a date yeah um and kayla has a really frank conversation with j. She says, you know, Ashley's going to be okay. And I feel like we're walking on eggshells. And us doing that isn't really helping us.

And Jared really appreciates her honesty. He doesn't get it all defensive. And he says, you know, I just want you to know that when it's just the two of us, like I'm thinking about you uh and i'm focused on you and then it is raining very hard very hard he's got a real case of josh shirt going yeah they're very damp uh and they go quote swimming together nope that's not what you did you stood stood in thigh-high, like, super opaque river water. They remove clothes, and they stand in this water and make out. And then we cut back to Ashley,

and Ashley has decided her new biggest nightmare is that they might go to the fantasy suite together. And then we see Carly and Evan spending some time together. And Carly is just feeling like things are stalling out again because Evan doesn't have what she calls swag. You know, he's not really good at putting the moves on her. You know, he's not really good at putting the moves on her. Which is crazy because, like, she may as well have said that he doesn't have shoulder-mounted laser cannons. And it's like, well, yes, obviously you knew that before we got— He doesn't have a dorsal fin.

Yeah, you knew that, though. Like, you knew he didn't have a dorsal fin. I thought— He doesn't have seven eyes. Yes, of course he doesn't. I thought this would be a fun game and let me know if this is too mean spirited but if we could identify people not necessarily from the franchise that we think have more swag than evan you know this would be mean you think

it's mean i think it would be kind of mean i think it's kind of fun though well i don't i don't know babe it seems like rick moranis from ghostbusters one you're right no but it's mean i feel like we shouldn't do pat say jack has more swag than evan that's it that's all i'm gonna give us though okay okay okay okay okay all right we're looking at each other fucking eye to eye both of us just just daring you to keep going uh but luckily evan gets date card yeah and so they have the opportunity to spend some more time together uh and what do they get to do why it's another offensive cultural date this one was not nearly nearly nearly nearly nearly it turned out okay it turned out okay it turned out okay it was that offensive they just went to like a sweat lodge and and there

were people well carly does say like oh i'm gonna love this stuff because he loves weird stuff that's the only yeah that was maybe the only like shady part about it but it was this was i mean it seemed like an actual sweat lodge that you could go to and these people work at the sweat lodge and they'll help you do the sweat lodge but like like it's not a bunch of people in costume talking about how they have to do a virgin sacrifice. No, there's a fire pit and they are getting very sweaty in there. And then they are encouraged to say what they really feel. And so Evan thanks Carly for all of her acceptance you know he knows that he's kind of a strange guy and and has all these different parts of him and that she always accepts them

and she kind of tells us the viewer well i never really actually feel like i was being that accepting but it does make me want to be more accepting uh and then she's she's really warming up to evan she is and it's like this she's like i am sitting there covered in sweat looking probably my worst and he is looking at me like like i'm radiating you know like i'm the most beautiful woman i was i i like this a lot and it's really hard to not look at the things that happened last week. Yeah, right. And ignore it and forget that those things happened. Yeah.

Because, like, boy, the road here was a long and creepy one. But it's kind of cute, though, is the problem. Yeah. Yeah, Carly says, you know, I like him so much and it blows my mind that I do. And they pour water on each other. And she tells Evan her kind of piece of honesty is just that, like, you know, each day I fall for you more, and every day is a surprise with you. Every day is a winding road. And, you know, you get a little bit closer

uh and they make out and she tells us that her lady boner is back which is good and he's the one to resurrect that right like who else would it be no i'm saying it's like his profession oh like i for a second there i was wondering, it's kind of weird that we're getting hourly updates on her erection. But, like, it makes sense. I think she might just be getting, like, free medical. This is a stupid line a lot. line a lot uh and so if you haven't had enough of ashley i um this week you're gonna get a lot more because she decides to hold another offensive against kayla uh and says a number of things that i didn't even want to write down.

Basically said that Jared loves Ashley more than Kayla. That's not... You have to... Of all the stuff that you say, including that she knows how to please his body, but I know how to make out with his mind, which is heinous. She's like, i'm his main chick

you know and i know him better than kayla everwood and of all the things that you say that are completely bogota you have to know that he does not love you more than this woman that he's actively pursuing right like you gotta know in your heart of hearts you must know this right that he's actively pursuing, right? Like, you've got to know. In your heart of hearts, you must know this, right? Yeah, she's like, I can really dig deep on Jared, and it's kind of fun to threaten Kayla. And I... So she goes to Jared. She went to jared

that was the first time i think we've done that because it's like the first time it's like organically popped up yeah i know i'm glad we held back so long well and also this is a neil lane house you know that's true that's true i got your ring at neil lane no you didn't it was the street ne Lane here in Austin. You were really... It's where the $10 ring store is. It's on Neil Lane. You were really on your game today. Thanks, I'm feeling hot.

I've had one beer. It's this raspberry lager. Yeah, let me look at the label. 94.6. Whoa! Whoa! It's my favorite oldies station, too. Wow, this thing really works!

Well, you do know who Casey Kasem is. No, that wasn't so much a Casey Kasem joke. It was just, that's a radio station number, it sounds like. And she tells Jared that she has concerns and that Kayla's a fake and a robot, which... I'm glad, like, Ashley, I'm glad you're a fan, like, I guess. Yeah, I'm glad you listened to the show. But we never wanted that information used for ill purposes. And Jared listens and he's like, oh, you know, I know, I know that you wouldn't make

this stuff up. I know that you wouldn't, you wouldn't just tell me this stuff. You know, this seems valid. So fucking Jared goes to Kayla and is like, so some people have been talking about how you're hesitant to like really lean into this thing and that you're not like, I'm more into you than you are into me. And she's like, Jared, who, who told you these things? Yeah. Kayla's like, we've been on two dates each one is better than the other I have a really good time with you and you keep saying people are questioning

us and I have a feeling I know who it is and Jared's like oh she's just watching out for me you know she didn't say anything bad and Kayla says what did she say? He's like oh that just that you don't like me and she's like okay this woman's in love with you he's like no don't come on no i don't think so yeah it's like jared

you how do you this is the bad thing about this is the bad part about jared and i don't think it's a malicious thing but that's not really much of an excuse you know like i don't think ashley would be how she is towards jared if jared wasn't if jared wasn't like he's receptive to it he's receptive to it yeah that's a good way of putting it yeah so kayla is like i gotta go talk to her you know like this is if she really doubts my intentions'm going to go tell her what my intentions are. And Kayla is probably the most adult person on the island that day. Yeah. She just says. We also, like, we are, it seems like, are Kayla Jarrett fans.

I like Jayla. I like Kaye Riggs. I think they're really similar and that neither of them are predisposed to what you might call unbridled passion. Yeah. But they're into each other. And I think I am. I'm not even a big Jared fan, but it's interesting to see this dude who's been on the show a few times before

who has been completely apathetic like finally be into somebody and there's something that activates something weird inside of me where i'm like i want to see this guy follow this through because i've seen him be a sad sack for like three years now and even though i don't like love the dude like it's i kind of want to see him you know chase chase this bliss yeah no they No, they're both very good communicators. Especially Kayla right now when she kind of puts the screws to Ashley. Yeah. She says, hey, Ashley, like, if this is brought up every day, like, how are we going to progress in this relationship?

How is he ever going to trust me more than he trusts you? And Ashley's like, oh, I don't think that he ever will. And Kayla's like, so I thought you were going to stick around to meet somebody else. And Ashley said, oh, well, I haven't yet. That was a lie I told everybody so I could stay here. And Kayla's like, oh, so you're just going to stay here and kayla's like oh so you're just gonna you're just gonna stay here and sabotage everybody uh and she's like no i'm just you know i'm just gonna say i'm just gonna say what i've been hearing which i thought was weird like yeah who are you saying that like oh i'm not allowed to say what i hear who are you hearing it from and kayla admits she's like you

know i've been hesitant but that doesn't mean i don't like him uh and that's kind of the cliffhanger for the episode which uh and then we get a a nice moment of daniel uh talking to one of the twins about geography this is something it's like i want to ask you to go home i don't give a fuck like i don't care i don't care anymore i don't care anymore about this storyline. I've been over it. This has been a fun couple of weeks, I think. But it's been fun despite the fact that I just don't care about this storyline anymore. Because seriously, gang, if this is your first time watching it, maybe it's novel. I'm so done with it.

Yeah, and maybe... And I'm not even on Team Kayla, per se. But I also don't believe that Kayla is done with it. Yeah, and maybe, like, and I'm not even on Team Kayla per se, but I also don't believe that Kayla is, like, messing with Jared. I don't think so either. I think she's giving it a shot, and they're both good people, and they're trying their best. I just, this show is trying to tap into tried and true drama veins that are just, they're tapped out, tapped out they're plum dry they won't produce yeah and guys i don't need it i think that's the thing we've learned from bachelor in paradise

i know that they feel like we need big drama as a viewer but i don't yeah like conflict is one thing and it's an important part of your show, or whatever. I get that, but there's, like, there's other... Fuck, we didn't check in with Izzy a single time during this thing. We didn't check in with Daniel. No, we checked in with Izzy, because her and Vinny broke up. Okay, but then we didn't return to check in with Izzy the whole time you were saying. You didn't hear about anything from Daniel, who the woman he...

Or Josh and Amanda, who have been MIA. Or Ryan B. and the twin that went on a date with ryan b like yeah there's a lot of stuff we didn't check in on daniel would be interesting because it's like the woman he gave a rose to is now dating somebody else how's that make daniel feel i wonder i know he's not the most eloquent person there but i'd rather hear about that than this fucking ashley stuff again i don't even care about the people involved anymore. I'm over the story. It sucks. It's a shitty story.

It was a fine story, I guess, the first time that it happened. It's a shitty, shitty, shitty, old, old story now. So we get teasers for next week that Lace and Grant are going to have some more trouble. And that Josh is going to get confrontational, looks like after a rose ceremony, because more people are casting doubt on his intentions. Because his intentions suck. Yeah, otherwise, I thought it was a really good week. I mean, there's so much fun stuff to love.

I had fun this week. I hate to keep harping on it. It's just so frustrating to like, because it's the same, I mean, it's not the same as the Rod stuff. Obviously, that was a whole other echelon of horrible but it does represent this this this um craftsmanship of just like they're just milking it we're just gonna do the same fucking thing every episode and people are gonna keep coming back to it and it's like guys that's not how storytelling has ever worked reality tv or otherwise this ashley thing is so out of legs

and i swear to god if you do it the next two episodes it is going to kill this season that's what's been interesting about watching are you the one simultaneously there's very little from what i can see producer manipulation on that show there's also no fat on that show that show is lean that show is like and by the way we finished it and it was the some of the shit they let geo and other dudes do on that show and get to stay on the show is literally criminal um but but it was a fine season otherwise i desperately i it's it's the first time that i've ever watched the season and been like, boy, I hope all these people don't get any money by the end of this.

Yeah. I was really rooting for them. There were some heroes that emerged from the season, but like I enjoyed season three a lot more than I enjoyed. Yeah. The dudes were like 98% awful. Gio was like, like smashing shit and like attacking people or starting fights like every

single week. And it's like, yeah. Do you remember that season of America's next top model where a guy tried to headbutt another guy and didn't succeed and was sent home the next day like that's what happened what happened to that do you remember that season of the real world where the guy like tore the blankets off the girl in bed and got sent home but geo like breaks a vase and jabs it into a guy's neck and it's like, yeah, you get to stay. Yeah.

MTV has made some choices. Reality TV has made some fucking choices because like God knows ABC should have. Anyway, it's just like Bachelor. Bachelor. Bachelor. Bachelor. by chiller by chiller by chiller stop telling the same story 10 episodes in a row or 10 seasons in a row because like it sucks yeah i feel like they get a fine audience with the shit that they pull right like they obviously like they've grown a lot and i feel like the show has become more of

a cultural phenomenon than it ever has i think it could be an even bigger cultural phenomenon if it had more like broad appeal if they ditched like the really like the crummiest shittiest storytelling stuff that they do and the shitty like human stuff that they do um and and made it like have i think that would give it more broad appeal. Well, and they have the perfect tool too. And I use the word tool in the nicest way when I talk about Chris Harrison because Chris Harrison could come in at any point and be like, hey, Ashley, I, you know, we let you back on the show,

but you have 24 hours to find somebody or you have to go home. That'd be cool. That'd be good. You it's it's it's i think there have probably been multitudes of people who hear people talking about this show like it's a cultural phenomenon and they watch an episode and they say this is garbage i feel guilty for having watched a single episode of this and i I know that because that's happened in the group. Like how many people in the group have been like, tried to watch it, think I'm just going to stick to the podcast for now.

Because there's things that happen on the show that are actively offensively bad. Or just like offensively stupid. And it doesn't need to have that stuff because there's a lot of other good stuff happening in this show. need to have that stuff because there's a lot of other good stuff happening in this show yeah and and it feels like they almost don't trust or think much of their audience when they lean so hard on the things that aren't actually what we like about it but see at the same time bip i think is a show that is really nurturing to its audience like bip is a show bip is this beautiful gym i will sing praises aip forever because it is a show, I don't think there's ever been a show like it

that was made almost tailored perfectly and exactly for fans of the broader franchise. All of the in-jokes and all of the- Well, I bet Real World Road Rules Challenge or what is called The Challenge is kind of like that maybe. But I don't think, The Challenge is not nearly as self-aware as bip is the challenge is probably the challenge doesn't have this layer of like love boat metafiction on top of it like bip has and that's what makes a show like bip so

special so like i i feel like in a weird way i i feel like it's the the best and worst of both worlds and i agree with you that i feel like this show doesn't, this franchise doesn't think much of the people who watch it. Except sometimes Bip is like, it loves the people who watch it. Like this like Bachelor Nation shit, this like calling into Bachelor viewing parties, it's definitely like a growth tactic. But it's also like, that's real. And that's a show like reaching out to its fan base.

And there's so much stuff in Bip like that. I just like, that's what i love about this show not this same ashley i should over and over and over and over and over again stinks i agree anyway anyway thanks for listening and for watching along with us i meant to go to the po box today and we didn't we didn't do, everybody. It's our first P.O. box. We're learning. But I wanted to... I don't remember what I was going to say. You think about it.

You got it. What did you want to do? I don't remember. You want to thank our listeners for listening to the show and for joining the Rose Buddies Facebook group and joining in the active live discussion threads on those? Yes, for sure. Those are popping off.

Oh, and I also, I wanted, we never talk about like our Twitter or anything. Oh, yeah. We have a Twitter. We have a Twitter. Well, we have a Rose Buddies Twitter, but we never ever use it. But we have our individual Twitters.

What's yours? Rachel C. McElroy. C like the letter. Stands for Celia. That's Rachel's middle name. Don't steal her identity. I swear to God. I'm just Griffin McElroy on Twitter. You can find all the shows that

the McElroys do at McElroyshows.com. Yeah, along with the P.O. Box info. And all the Twitter info. Is that it, babe? That is it. Thank you is it thank you guys yeah thanks a lot we'll see you next week when does bip end it's gotta be coming up soon right i you know i've been trying to figure out the exact end date i don't think abc knows i think i think they're still filming this show week two i think that bip is being produced like everlasting is being fictionally produced in Unreal. And that they're like finishing it and then minutes later they run the tape to the broadcasting studios to get it out there.

Sorry, an ambulance just drove by. It scared me. Yeah, so we haven't yet decided what we're going to do next. I know that Coupled is on Hulu, as is Dating Naked. We're also interested if we can watch it in The Bachelorette Canada. We may need Daniel to smuggle in flash drives. Somebody linked to the website, and it looks like we can watch video on there, but we'll have to see what happens when it's on there.

Yeah, I mean, we like pirate it or whatever but like I don't want to do it if everybody else can't watch it. No, yeah, that's the big thing. We want to at least continue to watch things on platforms that are accessible. Yeah. That's it for the episode. Thank you very much for listening. I'm Griffin McElroy. I'm Rachel McElroy.

When you're ready. Stay with us on this journey of joy. Spoiler alert! She is up with Soulja Boy.