Wonderful! - Ep. 35: A Sexy Baba Yaga

Episode Date: August 31, 2016

We're back, and ready to wrap up the unconscionable about of Bachelor-franchise television that we watched this week. Let's check in on Ashley/Caila/Jared, since ABC won't let us NOT check in on that wacky love triangle! Also, HOW ABOUT THAT NEW BACHELOR, HUH? MaxFunDrive ends on March 29, 2024! Support our show now by becoming a member at maximumfun.org/join.

Maybe you should go and do some contemplating. Right reasons, right reasons, being a good girl for all the right reasons. Right reasons, right reasons, being a good girl for all the right reasons. I'm the Bachelorette and I'm rapping to your poolside. Here to find true love, one man from all my life. Hi, this is Rachel McElroy. Hi, this is Griffin McElroy. And this is Rose Buddies.

It's a podcast about The Bachelor TV show on ABC, the America's Broadcasting Company Network. The Corporation for American Broadcasting presents a new show, a spin on the feeling of love that we've known for many years. What if we made it mean? What if we put possibly dangerous people in a room together and suggested they fall in love with vulnerable people that aren't able to defend themselves? What if we began to espouse the idea that some people, they just don't deserve the feeling that is love?

And the people that we deem just, I don't know, allowable to love, get featured. And can get away with murder. Thanks for watching How to Get Away with Murder. It's the new Bachelor spin-off show starring Shonda Rhimes. We just watched four fucking hours of this television show this week.

Yeah, they hooked us in with After Paradise. Yeah, they waited until the last 14 seconds to reveal who the new Bachelor's gonna be. Should we start off by... I don't know. I can't decide if we should build to it or not. I think we should talk about it up front because there were a lot of people who...

Ooh, a lot of brave soldiers that we left out on the old beaches of Ashley, Kayla, Jared, Normandy out there who I saw... How about I just... I shoot out some people and you confirm or deny? Okay, kind of a weird way of doing it since we both know exactly who the Bachelor's gonna be.

Well, I just want to remind people who the contenders were. Yeah, I just want to point out, there really were people trying to watch this in the live group, the live comment thread on the Rose Buddies Facebook group who were just like, nope, Griffin and Rachel just tell me tomorrow, I'm done. So you did your best. All right.

So what do you... So was it Luke? No, it's not Luke. There's this dude. We haven't talked about him. I don't want to talk about him because like... What's his affiliation? I don't know.

I think he was like... He helped create the original season or something something like that i don't know i haven't dug into the dude so much except that you know he was trying to get 100 000 twitter followers and if he did he would announce who the bachelor was and he didn't he got like 70 um but he was like he was dropping all these cryptic hints all night and like none of it ended up being so it wasn't cowboy luke wasn't cowboy luke we do not get a dose of that cowboy love which is it's okay then it must have been chase who and which who's that from jojo's season you know he had uh no definable characteristics

i thought you're gonna say he had a nose i think i'm pretty sure is he the one that had the hair that was kind of like there wasn't a lot of it, and then up top there was all of a sudden, there was a lot of it. Yeah, maybe. Maybe that's a way to talk about him. Also, every man who was on that season. No, it wasn't that, it wasn't Chase. It wasn't Chase.

Okay, then it must have been the other guy whose name I can't remember. I think you're thinking of Robert. Yes, Robbie. It was not Robbie, which is great. I will be honest, when the two hosts of the after show were like, come on out, there was a moment,

I'll be honest with you, gang, there was a moment where I was like, it was a weird moment of fear for me being like, because I feel like I've pretty much thrown my hat over the fence in that if it had been Rod, do i could not do the fucking podcast anymore so there was a moment there where i was like scared because i really didn't want to be the dude because i didn't want to watch that but also because it would mean a big big changes for

the rose buddies podcast we'd have to figure something else out yeah uh well it must have been somebody from jojo season though right it was so i would say jojo's season adjacent okay um gosh who else could it have been had jojo hmm jojo is not affiliated with no not at all i was trying to think if there was any i was trying to think if there was any when they're a guy that like rolled up the first episode and like told her like, you're going to be just fine? Do you remember that? Oh, Jake Pavelka. It was Jake Pavelka.

Okay. No, it's not Jake. All right. Should we say it on the count of three? Yeah. One, two, three. It's Chris Harrison. He's putting himself out there.

He's, you know, his marriage didn't work out. And that's how it is sometimes in Hollywood. And he looked at the things he's created. He said, I'm basically not on the fucking show anymore. I could come in and be like, my name's Jeff Barristan. And people would not even like know. What a name to choose. It's going to be Nick Vial vial nick i think it's vile

well anyway i don't think he's ever gone on the record we'll have to learn we're gonna have to learn because the dude's gonna be the bachelor um i'm i'm first of all rachel and i swish swish yeah we both raised our hands in triumph maybe not the most like um maybe not the deepest conspiracy theory to to to wrap up because i mean they were so obviously given that dude like the redemption edit which makes me wonder okay all right let's think about this do you think from episode one of bip they had decided yes it was gonna be him yeah yeah because i because i think he had to be complicit in it like hey don't do any rap bag shit while you're up in there did he know i think he had to know while he was on bip oh man i think it would not be too hard to

look at the batch of boys that they had as potential candidates from JoJo's season of The Bachelorette and just go, none of this is going to work. Absolutely none of this is going to work. And they, I mean, to their credit, they did a good job. The reaction that I've seen so far has been overwhelmingly positive. Like, oh, good, yeah, I didn't want it to be any of the other guys that it could have so far has been overwhelmingly positive. Like, Oh good. Yeah. I didn't want it to be any of the other guys that it could have been from Jojo season.

I think it's a, yeah, we should have been suspicious when Nick showed up, like super muscular, like the most muscular he's ever been. We should have been like, wait a minute, but also like charismatic and funny.

And like, man, the one, at least once per episode he gets this like fatherly moment which i say for two reasons one he like comes down and is like as as the veteran of the show like you're you don't care about being friends with this guy ashley like don't even pretend like you do but also because he's 35 and he's gonna be the he's gonna i think the oldest bachelor that there's oh i Oh, I don't know.

I don't feel comfortable. Like there's been so many. Yeah, we shouldn't throw our hat over the fence. We don't know if that's true. It will be a bit weird if there's like 23 year olds. Yeah, we were just

talking about that. Our friend Anna pointed that out. A lot of times there'll be women on the show that are right out of college. And I don't have a problem with an age difference. No. But that would be 12

years on a show that is designed to lead to marriage so that's some big conversations it's some big conversations but not only that like i feel like nick's arc has been one of maturity because like i didn't like i didn't like the dude especially after his first season like fuck no i didn't like the dude um because like his first season. Like, fuck, no, I didn't like the dude. Because, like, here's the thing about Nick. He's also said awesome shit. Yeah. He's grown up a lot, it seems.

Andy's book has some stuff about him that is not, like, I wouldn't say damning. Like, it is for Josh as much as it is, like, ooh, that's kind of weird. But, like, he's been great this season of Bachelor in Paradise. I really, really enjoyed him. And I think I realized at some point, like, wow, I'm enjoying this guy too much for it just to be my own decision. He's a funny guy, yeah. It has been so infrequent that the Bachelor of Bachelorette is actually a funny person. So, yeah.

So, it's Nick. And we're very excited. I'm excited. I was dreading who it was going to be. Because, like, we got to do a show about this fucking thing. And even if it wasn't Rod, like, if it had just been some boring dude, like, I don't want to watch that. And then formulate fucking an hour of thoughts about that. I know.

Okay, well, we should talk about this week's show. Yeah. You ready? I just don't want to. I had fun this week, actually. I feel like the last episode was a pretty fun episode with some weak points. Guys, I just can't with that yeah i remember on monday's episode you were like this is the best show on television i think there was a point

in the episode where you actually said that out loud yeah because there was some good stuff that happened there's been good stuff that has happened in like the past couple couple weeks worth of episodes bogged down by like just the dumbest most like legacy shit that nobody cares about anymore um but let's let's get into it yeah um and maybe we maybe we just move quickly through the ashley stuff we gots to specifically the ashley stuff i don't want to you know give short shrift yeah that's an expression right short yeah because here's the thing about the ashley stuff it was the same shit that happened last it was the same shit that happened last season and then it was the same shit that happened two weeks ago and

then it was the same shit that happened twice last week and then the same shit that happened twice again this week and and then in the after show i don't understand why they think i don't give this much of a fuck about star wars and And I give a lot of fuck about Star Wars. A lot. I like Star Wars a bunch. Yeah. But I don't want to watch this much Star Wars. Just to give an example of your Star Wars knowledge, Griffin, tell me something about Lando that I might not know.

Well, he's the Baron Administrator of Cloud City. There you go. The Cloud City of Bespin. There you go. And I don't think it's ever really, maybe in the, like, Extended Universe novels, it's, like, really explored, like, what that title entails. But, I mean, the Cloud City Bespin, I think, has a sort of mining, like, they're mining for noble gases. And so he's probably, like like in charge of the facility. But he's also, he has like a, you know,

a governmental role there too. Although really it's apparently just a puppet organization for the empire because he just kind of kowtows to Lord Vader just like pretty much instantly. Hey, Griffin. He's played by what? Griffin, I love you.

I love you too. Let's talk about this show that I- You could have said any character. I know, I love you. I love you, too. Let's talk about this show that I... You could have said any character. I know. I know, but I wanted to show that you weren't, you know, just like, oh, I know some stuff about Luke Skywalker. Like, I wanted to show, like, your dad... I probably know more about Lando than I do about Luke Skywalker. Okay.

Okay, so the episode on Monday opens up with Kayla and Ashley talking. on Monday opens up with Kayla and Ashley talking. And Ashley is upset still. She does admit that maybe her feelings about Kayla might be because she's having trouble letting go, which seems like more self-awareness than I think we thought she had. And Jared awareness than i think we thought she had um and jared uh says that he wants to build a relationship with kayla um and that's basically the gist of it that's the whole fucking thing that's basically

the gist of it uh this is when ashley goes into her nightmare talk um if you got if you played that drinking game that i pitched last week you would have died she says nightmare a lot she said it twice she said it was such frequency that there's no way you could have gulped down the last sip before you had to get a refresh the bev in your mouth um and this is when she starts talking about her dog that passed away. Oh, man, this is edit. And she kind of has a moment on the beach where she prays to her dog. Guys. For guidance. Okay.

I want to get past that Ashley stuff so much. We can't run through this because she's talking about how her dog passed, and it's very very sad um like i went on her twitter account and like her pin tweet is a picture of her with her dog time how sad she is it's a cute dog and it's yeah i i feel for you she prays to her dog which like everybody that we watched this episode with and we watched with a big old rowdy group on monday was like that's not how praying works i don't think she asked for her dog's help in kind of finding somebody yeah um to move on with seems like her dog kind of did a bad i don't want to tell her ghost dog like what the business is but i don't think she did a great job. And then there's a montage of dogs.

That were shot on location. Yeah, it appears to be dogs all over the island kind of coming to attention. And then her dog appears in the sun. Was that her dog? It looks a lot like her dog, like a white little fluffy dog. Yeah. It looks a lot like what dog like a white little fluffy dog yeah a lot like what her dog looks like i don't know if it was like home video footage secured from ashley but uh and then who walks down the steps a gift from dog heaven i guess is the man the myth the

legend the most fucking eligible bachelor in the universe apparently wells wells the radio woman wells appears in just all of his kind of scrawny indoor kid glory and ashley's mouth drops open in kind of full olivia just like and for the next couple scenes whenever these two, you can hear dogs barking or whining in the background. Like there's a level of magical realism that I was like super duper into. Well, and those of you that follow Wells on social media, I guess he's always posting pictures of himself and adoptable dogs. So he's kind of a patron saint can i adopt wells can we adopt wells and just have him have him around just to hang out with i'll take care of i'll take care of him what would what's like an activity you would do with wells shit dog um

i mean we would probably volunteer at the shelter together. Okay. We would. Like the animal shelter? Yeah. Okay. And then we'd go to fun concerts. I'd take him to ACL with me. Oh, that'd be fun.

Bathing. Just somebody's got to do it. Okay. I bet, you know, I have a lot of products for curly hair. I bet. He would look very good in your products. I bet he would like those products. I'm just going to take your birch box and just upend it on him. He will leave this house much smoother than he entered it.

Everybody pulls Wells aside because, as you know, Wells has a date card because he just arrived. At this point in the show, there are not that many singles in the house. Are there any singles in the house? I mean, the twins are sort of... Izzy. Izzy's more or less hooking up with... Brett. Brett, at this point, the lamp man who stole her from DJ Vinsane.

The twins. The twins. Yeah, but the twins are kind of dating Carl and some other rando. Daniel is unspoken for, for the most part. Yeah, that's about where we're at. But Ashley, I, is the big. Yeah, so everybody, Haley tells Wells to go for Ashley. Kayla tells Wells to go for Ashley.

Lace says you should go for Ashley. And then Ashley and Wells talk for a few minutes Daniel tells us the viewer that Jared would probably pay a thousand dollars for this to work it's Wells is in the after show and he talks about how he didn't know

this was some big set up and it's like Wells you sweet sweet dumb boy cause literally every person he talks to is like you know even izzy who he i think he like mentioned that he was like attracted to or something like that or maybe it wasn't izzy but it was somebody who was like you know you should you should ashley eyes who you should because i think jared was the only one with a vested interest and kayla were the only ones with a vested interest in this but like i think everybody else was just like kind of tired of it all yeah so this the

moment culminates wells is standing near the pool and everybody is gathered in the pool and they're all looking up at him and wells is prepared to announce who he is taking and we get a cut to everyone in the pool kind of nervously biting their fingernails and crossing their fingers and praying it's guys like everybody is like lurched over like ready to strike it was the funniest i think that's when i said this is the best tv show ever this scene and what happens next and then he announces um he says ash, I would you like to go on this date with me? And she's not in the pool for some reason. And everybody just explodes in applause.

Daniel's like just literally jumping up and down in the pool, like throwing water everywhere. And like, actually, I get so embarrassed and just like kind of walks over there. Like, that shit was cute. Like, that shit was cute. And it was fucking hysterical that all of these adults had congregated around to celebrate that this woman was finally going to go on a date with a guy that was not Jared. I loved it, man. This was good shit. It was nice.

Because that's the thing about Ashley. Like, I don't hate her. I think that she makes a lot of bad choices she makes a lot of the worst choices but there are things about her that i like and i do you know part of me somehow inexplicably still kind of roots for her oh i don't i'm i'm well i'm so far past that point yeah i don't i it's it. It's just fucking horrible, man. Like, again, this is one of those things I feel stupid. This is one of those storylines I feel stupid talking about because obviously the Bachelor TV show is trying to push it on us very, very, very hard. And I wonder how much of this is Jared and Ashley, I realizing that they have a foothold

in this gigantic television property as long as they have this drama continuing to go between them because well because it's just the most like fucking it's it's not even like high school shit it is kindergarten shit between the two of them yeah and it's anyway i didn't want to i didn't want to start talking about it again i just i just to bring up, when she gets the date with Wells, I'm excited. It's very charming. She's very funny. It's just like, yeah, that's just not, unfortunately, that's not her character. So they go on the date at like a taco bar, and they're eating the messiest, flattest tacos.

I love it, though. tacos i love it though uh and wells kind of brings up jared uh at which point i got very nervous that ashley was just gonna just totally uh self-destruct but um ashley says it's hard because jared acts as if they've always just been friends but there has been more there and it's kind of hard for her to act as if nothing else happened between them. And so then they decide to talk about their favorite bands. And she asked Wells, because everyone knows that Wells is a radio DJ and a music lover. Yes. And Wells says Talking Heads, which is a very respectable, music-y kind of choice. Yeah, that's a good choice.

And Ashley gets the question back towards her. And she's like, now I'm glad you asked. I think that you'll understand and appreciate this. And she says Hanson. Yeah, another good, equally, another good, equally respectable good choice. Here's the thing, Griffin McElroy,

I recall you saying specifically that Hanson's most recent work is pretty good. You say most recent which makes it sound like it came out like last year.

It's been a while. Yeah, I guess it's been a few years. It's been a bit. But they had an album that didn't come out like this decade, I want to say. It was really good.

They had a song on it called Thinking About Something. It's a good little soulful jam. Yeah. And they also had Paul Scheer, who was very funny in the after show. I was giving him shit. He said, Mr. Scheer, with all due respect, there's so many other wonderful songs this time around. Also on the same

album i believe or maybe from a later album but a good just a good little good little ditty and the bros are so nice the bros i'm pretty sure the bros are really nice i think i think you just have an affection for for three bros like doing their art yeah leave them the fuck alone um go google and listen to uh uh think about something it's a dance jam all that to say it's easy to throw shade at Hanson and I just want to be clear that we are open minded I love it and I also want to say

well as true fucking music industry professional Paul Shearer is like trying to get him to bash on Hanson and Wells was like he never does it as a fucking true professional because he knows someday i might have hansen on my show next they might put out 2017 they might be like the the comeback kids yeah i want to i want to leave that door open yeah of course professional um the other thing that happens

on the date is that a dog comes over while they're eating um and wells does an adorable dog voice which i thought was charming because ashley's talking to the dog and he's kind of talking back in a dog voice it was very cute i can't believe we only get one more week of bit with wells and then he's gone uh but they seem to have a good date they kiss they did yeah a lot there's fire lanterns that get sent into the air holy shit this was another one i think this might have actually been when i said this is the best show ever because they write like little wishes and she writes a wish on a piece of paper using his back as a desk and then puts it up and the paper lantern and then you see them walking off like into the night holding hands

and she's like i just really am so glad that i finally found somebody that i like even more than jared and i just really hope that my wish comes true. Smash cut back to the lamp floating in the sky and it catches fire and the fire comes raining down. Uh, well, uh, edited in screams from below.

Fuck. It was funny. It was funny. The editor, you know, me and the editor of this show have had a love hate relationship. They got my fucking number. Yeah,

it was really good. Uh, and so that's, that's their date. Yeah, that was really good. And so that's their date. Yeah, it was fine. Seems good. I think they both have nice things to say about each other. I think Ashley felt really good about it. And we have no reason to think that it didn't go well. I mean, I had reason to think during the whole date

that she was kind of barking up the wrong tree because this dude is obviously going to be the Iron Throne for probably the rest of this season of Bachelor in Paradise where everybody's going to come in and step to it. And guess what? If you step to it and you don't win it, you're dead. I was a little surprised that Wells was as desired as he was because I just kind of assumed, and maybe this is the Wells quality, that everybody feels like they've discovered like a hidden gem. The Hanson of men. And so everybody feels like they've got this little like insight secret. Yeah.

Hey, you know what I think is great? You might not. I don't know. But it's this guy, Wells. Everyone's like, like yeah you know me too i mean you're literally describing sort of the mentality of the whole soft boy movement um which i think jared probably doesn't prescribe to but i think you could probably hang hang that label on him when compared to other other boys on on bip he is of the softer he's on the softer end of the now what

about evan does evan count as that evan is evan has broken the soft boy spectrum he's what malcolm gladwell might call an outlier um although boy evan is for all of the just completely bogus shit he did this season of bip him and carly how is that growing on me as much as it has i don't know what that means i don't know what that means about me i think this show manipulates viewers in in a way that is that is very transparent and also very subversive at the same time it's transparent and i would say say, and maybe this is giving ourselves too much credit, 80% of the time it's complete fucking failure. Like, this show has a message for every single person that ever comes on it. And for every, like, sort of romance and storyline that pops up.

And so many of those messages are not effective. But the ones that are, man, they fucking, the whole Evan Carley thing, like, it is working on me. Nick is the next Bachelor. Like, yup. That was a good-ass sales pitch you put together there, Batch. Yeah, I guess it's fair to say that they do what they do very well. And they are professionals and should be respected for their for their craft i don't know about fucking respected no absolutely not i would not go that yeah you're right that's a little far

uh okay so we we come back from the date uh and there's some weird drama going on with lace and grant in the pool um lace seems a little inebriated, and she's kind of flirting with Carl, not in a real... Not overtly, I don't think. Yeah, not in a sexual way or any kind of way. She's just like, Carl, come here, I want to get to know you. And it's kind of like hugging him in the pool,

and Grant says like... And Grant's sitting literally right there. And he says, you know, I'm sitting right here sitting right here and she says well you better watch out i don't know i don't know who i'm gonna give my rose to this week yeah she says good luck getting a rose tomorrow and grant storms off that and and by the way that was word for word like literally the four the three sentences rachel i just said back and forth was the entirety of the it was like 20 seconds and it caused a whole big whole big kerfuffle because grant walks away and storms off and then lace gets mad at him for

storming off and thinks he's being over dramatic um and grant says that was disrespectful what you did and she said okay well then it's over like whoa god that escalated quickly and then it escalated even more quickly again a second time yeah there, there's this moment where he tries to kind of confront her and get her to understand that it was disrespectful and that he doesn't want to be treated that way. And then she kind of shuts down and says, well, maybe we should just reconsider this relationship. And this is, by the way, the relationship where Grant has said,

I love you to Lace and Lace still has not reciprocated it. It feels like she escalates it in a real defensive way. And it left everybody we were watching with kind of looking around like, did I did I miss something? Like, what happened? Like, did we not see something? At the risk of reading too much into it or like overstepping my my bounds like i feel like the dialogue the conversation we were all having and the conversation the show was kind of having too was like lace just doesn't think she deserves a relationship like this she doesn't

think she's worth it or something like that um yeah that she was so ready for it to fail and for grant to be a bad guy that when he said something that seemed like a little hostile she just was like well there it is yeah that's it this must be it which is a shame because there's been some nice scenes between the two of them of like nice a nice little connection i guess i'm just kind of uncomfortable with the like lace redemption story arc of like she's a she's a damaged woman who needs to be taught how to love again yeah i don't know if the show is like taking it that route but like i was telling griffin that i had some real problems with laces reaction uh just because it seems so cliche yeah

you know there's this trope of you know people get close to happiness and then and then they push they push away because they're scared you know and that's exactly what lace is doing and grant is very patient with it grant actually says the words um that i if i have to work a little bit harder in this relationship for a while than Lace does, then, you know, then so be it. Because I think I love her and I think it's worth it. And that's actually, that was, holy shit. Like, that may be one of the most genuine things anybody's ever said on any Bachelor TV show.

And it was, like, kind of sad and I didn't really know how I felt about it. But, like, I did not doubt that Grant meant it it was a weird like i i found myself uncomfortable yeah with the absolute sincerity of what grant was saying in that moment yeah i mean they they seem to have a very believable relationship and that a lot of times you'll see couples where one person has to give a lot more yeah uh and that seems to be what's happening and i mean full respect to grant for having the tolerance i think i would have been very very frustrated if i was an institution environment like that man like yeah i i don't know i'm i don't know I will be curious to see what happens in the finale next week. Yeah.

That's a weird way of talking about a relationship that I just talked about being genuine and sweet. I can't wait to see what happens in the finale. Well, the big arc of Lace is supposed to be that she's done all this reformation, and she's grown up, and she's trying really hard to be mature. reformation and she's grown up and she's trying really hard to be mature and sometimes it feels like she more is watching from the outside looking at this thinking this is respectable like this is what an adult does and and and i feel good that i am the person in this situation you know it doesn't feel like she's really i don't know i don't think the show's given us enough time to like really dive really dive into Lace's... I mean, they sort of set that up in the intro, like, Lace talking about how she wants to

go on this quest of self-improvement or whatever, but really it was just, like, I mean, there was the Rod stuff week one, and then pretty much everything else has been, like, her hesitance to commit to Grant. Let's move on. We've talked a lot about grace um okay so then there's a moment where um nick and jen are out talking and by this time it's it's night and they are looking to go to bed and they are looking for an available room in which to spend the night together. And so they go up to the...

I guess there's just one boom boom room? Yeah, the one room I guess that they all have to share if they want like a private evening together. And Josh indicates that it is his room with Amanda for the night and that he has put a fan up there. The fact that Amanda said that they could use it and Josh indicates that it is his room with Amanda for the night, that he has put a fan up there. Despite the fact that Amanda had said that they could use it, and then Josh says, oh, no, you guys can't.

Yeah, Amanda. You guys can't have sex tonight because Amanda and I are going to use the room because I put a fan up there. Yeah, Amanda apparently indicated to Jen that it was fine if she had the room with Nick. Amanda is nowhere to be seen, andosh says no no it's our room and guys he's being just the biggest dick ever about it yeah every sentence out of his mouth this whole evening is like the douchiest delivery of that sentence you could ever yeah oh no and it's so like it's we've we've struggled much, and we're going to probably continue to struggle to talk about Josh, because I think he's a huge piece of shit. And the only word that I can, like, use to describe him is actually the same word that Evan used when talking about him, which is he's just so polished.

So, like, everything he says is so matter-of-fact, like, oh, no, actually, Amanda and I are up there tonight, so, yeah, you can't be up there tonight. I put a are up there tonight so yeah you can't be up there tonight we're i put a fan up there so we're gonna be up there tonight yeah yeah and then it it gets drawn to his attention that amanda is actually asleep in her bed and there seems to be some producer involvement where josh is brought to the room where she is asleep but first he's like arguing with the producer like no we're gonna use that room tonight i don't understand why nick and i don't understand why some people are being so dramatic about this like calm the fuck down so he goes into the room where amanda is sleeping he's like hey are we not sleeping together anymore like wakes her up uh and she says, no, I'm just really tired.

And he says, all right, good talk. And, like, slaps her on the back and walks out of the room. Yeah, and she immediately knows, based on his tone, like, that something's wrong. She's like, wait, what? And he just walks out. You know, it was, man, fuck Josh, just so completely and absolutely. I do want to talk about, like, they kept cutting back to everybody else sitting, like, in the palapa. And they all looked dead.

Like, what time is it? Why aren't these people? And they're saying, like, I just want to go to sleep. I know. Why can't you just go to sleep in a different? Let these people please go to sleep. They looked the most tired people had ever been in their whole lives. Yeah, do you think there's a point where they're told,

like, all right, we're wrapping for the night, guys. Go on, go to bed. That has to be the case. Anyway, this whole scene fucking... It was, again, like some real kindergarten shit that Josh just escalated to, like, 11. Yeah, it seemed like seemed like his interaction with a sleeping woman who he is like apparently in love with was like fucking ghoulish it seemed

like some real caveman shit because he was clearly embarrassed that he did not know amanda's whereabouts and that he did not he was not on the same page as her. And then in his embarrassment, he just brought pure aggression as a response. And it was uncomfortable. So then we move into sort of the investigation of Josh by some of the other people present. There's probably some stuff that happened before that fateful rose ceremony. Although not a lot, because there wasn't a lot of date this is another one of those things where like daytime lasted like 90 seconds it was another swan ocean sequence where like there was one daytime sequence and then it was like night again yeah um yeah no that's true because

we go straight to the cocktail party after that. And Lace and Grant are there and apparently they've made up and they reference making up the night before. Daniel goes on this last chance date. Wait, before we get to that, I want to talk about Carly and Evan. Oh my God, yes. So Carly and Evan are on a beach mattress. Oh my god, yes. So Carly and Evan are on a beach mattress. And we got really nervous because Evan is talking to Carly.

And he's got some anxiousness about him. And then he says, I'm totally falling in love with you. And we're like, oh no, oh no, oh no, oh no. Evan, Evan, Evan, Evan. And then not even two seconds pass before Carly says, I'm falling in love with you too. no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no There's something so sincere about both of their kind of surprise that this is happening. Yeah, their relationship is weirdly sweet. The thing that I have trouble reconciling is I think about the fact that Carly had to do an apology tweet about all the very mean things that she said about Evan. And we know there's multiple proposals in the finale. heaven and like we know there's multiple proposals in the finale if that's one of them like in this the series finale of how i met your mother your mom just talked mad shit about my weird dick

for like two weeks and then anyway we flipped it because i tricked her into going to the hospital with me but yeah she said some really bogus shit about my crazy dick for like two weeks anyway that's how i met your mother he didn't talk about his dick basically though no not at all kind if you think about it okay it was it was it was if you come if you put it all together um so that nice moment happens and then we do get daniel daniel going on doing like a road show like a road show of all of his talents. This sequence was so fucking hysterical, especially his interaction with Izzy. So first Daniel brings a plate of fried foods to Haley because he knows that she likes fried foods. And he treats it like, teach me your American ways.

Teach me about these american foods these are chicken nuggets yes and then he finds a lamp to bring to izzy because he knows that izzy is really into brett and brett had a lamp and so daniel starts introducing this lamp to Izzy and its features and how it's a much nicer lamp. Okay, I got to put this scene in context because this scene and the scene that happened after it, I saw a lot of people get, like, frustrated about in the group. This all was a fucking, like, obviously this was, like, a goofy goof jokey joke. And I think at this point Daniel knows he's going home. And he doesn't, I don't know how to joke. And I think at this point Daniel knows he's going home. And he doesn't.

I don't know how to talk to Izzy up to this point. Like Izzy and Brett are pretty much spoken for it seemed like. Because dude's sales tactic is my lamp is better than this other guy's lamp. And if you take it for that. Like just Daniel's last sort of comedic effort. Holy fucking shit. Like her asking like what kind of lamp is it? What kind of. How many watts is the bulb he's like oh it's a nine volt yeah which made griffin and i wonder

like this is how much we love and believe in daniel we were like oh well maybe maybe canadian lamps operate on a not a different power system where they would use volts and not watts? And he was like, yeah, it's a little bit taller, a little bit shinier. His sales pitch was so fucking funny. And then he brings it back. Izzy and Daniel walk back to Brett. And Brett's like,

see you showing her another lamp there. How many watts is it? And Daniel's like, oh, it's a nine volt he goes oh mine was 60 and the show the fucking show is playing like the super dramatic music and it shows like a behind the scenes thing of brett talking like yeah i thought me and izzy had a really nice connection so now i'm worried about daniel like you cannot twist this to make me think that you actually that this is an actual conflict that is happening on the show right now and then the thing that i think pissed everybody off was brett

was like oh so uh you showed her a lamp that's cool check out what i did or something like that and then he makes out with her right there which like again had to be part of the goof it was a gross part of the goof but holy shit was none of that none of that was a real fight and the fact that the show tried to make us think it was is maybe the most insulting thing they've ever tried to pull yeah i mean it was such a misplay too because fuck it was for the most part it was really funny i didn't think the show was to really trying to convince us there was beef between the two of them and i don't know i think they were kind of nodding at like that could be an interpretation

but i didn't feel like they were trying to say like who's it gonna be guys is it gonna be daniel or brett like i didn't think that was it wasn't earnest yeah it certainly wasn't earnest that's then we get a scene of josh talking to amanda um kind of pouring on the flattery, but in a very kind of generic way, just like, oh, you're so nice, and I like you a lot, and you're such a good person. I don't remember any of that. I think that's when I got my pasta plate, and I ate the pasta.

I really had to batten down the hatches. Yeah. And it just, I was telling Griffin, Josh reminds me of kind of, and he is, you know, he used to be a former professional athlete. He reminds me of kind of an athlete in like a post-game interview. Where he's just like, yeah, you know, we just, we just we got out there you know we gave it our all you know and just we weren't the better team tonight so you know we're just gonna we're gonna work harder tomorrow you know and we're gonna try our best and then you know eventually i think that hard work will pay off you know there's just something so rote about everything he says

uh and this felt like another one of those times where like him and Amanda. I don't know. He just I don't I don't know what's going on with the two of them. But it's cut right before a scene where the twins are kind of gathering evidence from Nick feels really stage. They're kind of saying to Nick, tell us, you know, what you think about Josh and why you have concerns. And we also have concerns and we'll trust you and your concerns. And it just felt like a weird interrogation. Like they were like going like Columbo here. And Nick was giving them all this stuff.

And while I was doing it, I was just thinking like, Nick, buddy, this is, you know, that this is not going to end well for you, right? Like, you know, that this isn not going to end well for you, right? Yeah. You know that this isn't going to be good for you. These twins are not going to act as a buffer between you and Amanda and, by proxy, Josh. So Nick tells them all this stuff. I don't. I really.

This is an. I don't. I just. I just. This is the low point of what was otherwise such a fucking good week. So there's a rose ceremony. And the women have the roses this week. So Carly picks Evan.

Ashley picks Wells. Jen picks Nick. Kayla picks Jared. Lace picks Grant. Amanda picks Josh. And then Haley gets up there and has a rose in her hand and then actually calls Emily up

it's a weird move like picking your own sister to give the rose to and I didn't know you could they get up there and they say like we really wanted to give this a chance and find love but we didn't find love so we're leaving and taking our roses with us and that was like I get that we didn't find love so we're leaving and taking our roses with us and that was like i get that you didn't find love here and i'm very sorry about that hayley and emily

you're also sending home three dudes now yeah maybe they were like maybe they woulda maybe they woulda so that means that ryan carl and daniel all have to go home my sweet danny boy and here's the thing this show immediately pivivots into the twins like take Amanda aside. And this is when they decide to spring their prosecution on her and tell her like, oh, we don't think he's here. Yeah. It seemed like overflow because they were very emotional about leaving the show. And then that emotion just kind of carried over into their

explanation to Amanda. And then immediately we hop into more Josh and Amanda shit and it was such a bummer because Daniel didn't get a good... You know we didn't get a Daniel farewell. We didn't get anything from Daniel's farewell. The last thing we got was like his lamp scene and it was a very, very good scene

but I just, I didn't get closure with. But I didn't get closure with Daniel. I didn't get closure with Daniel because he's not going to be on. I don't think he's going to be on Bip again. Maybe he will. I don't know. Yeah. Yeah. I wanted him to say goodbye.

He was such a bright light in the darkness for me during this season of Bachelor in Paradise. And very real way like so fucking funny and such a force of positivity except when he said really yeah he just said some really bad shit just just pure in the way that somebody who's not particularly um sometimes i think about him and sarah sitting on on the on the beach bed yeah and she says she likes him he like kicks his feet because he's so excited and i get dizzy yeah he's such a sweet soft boy and i want to protect him very much anyway thank youhtag thank you, Daniel. Hashtag Jamanda. No.

No. No. Hashtag thank you, Daniel. Hashtag fuck Jamanda. No. No. Don't. Don't. You just don't even tag them at all.

No hashes here, chumps. There you go. So post-rose ceremony, the twins have just had a conversation with Amanda. Amanda takes the twins very seriously. And tells Josh that the twins had some concerns that they had heard from other people. Josh says, again, really? And then he's really upset uh and this is when he first starts bringing up at least in this context his dog that is battling cancer and he does it in a way

as if that's his kind of get out of jail free card. You know, like I recognize that that must be a very hard thing for him. And obviously we have a pet that we love very much. But the way he uses it. He used it as an example for like why he didn't, like he didn't do something. He was like, I couldn't, I was too busy. My dog had cancer. it's like he didn't do something he's like i couldn't i was too busy my dog had cancer it's just fucking so frustrating i'm sorry your dog has cancer it doesn't give you an excuse to

be a fucking shit heel like i was too busy to not be a shit heel because what with all the dog cancer like during this conversation with amanda he's also, like, trying to make her feel stupid so much for bringing this to his attention again. Like, you'd even come to me and talk about Andy's book. Like, you might as well just be reading tabloids. Do you believe everything you read in tabloid? Like, so aggressive. I feel like we gave some dudes some shit

during JoJo's season of, like, especially, like, Jordan, whenever they would, whenever JoJo jojo would like bring something to jordan's attention he'd get like super defensive about it this is a whole nother echelon of like getting offensive about it like well if you if you brought this to my attention then you must be a fucking idiot like he may as well have just said that flat out because that is what he was intimating yeah no he seems upset that amanda is bringing it up again um and that it still exists even though he's denied it before and so he wants to call everybody around everybody's up trying to toast like after the rose ceremony he's like no we're the only two down here but literally every single one of you come down to me. Yeah. And Amanda does not want

this to happen. And she kind of sits to the side with some of the other women and all the people gather around and Josh kind of demands that somebody own up to it. And then Nick decides to do it because he knows that it's pretty clear that it's him. And he says, you know, I'll be honest. I don't know if I can trust you. And, you know, I do have some concerns. And Josh says, well, just be quiet for a second and I'll address those concerns. And Nick kind of goes on to say, you know just part of me just kind of thinks that you're full of shit and i hope that you're not

um and they start talking about the book again and nick says you know my part of the book is not fictional so i don't know that i can believe that your part is uh and at that point josh just kind of exits the conversation he's like let me go let me go fix things he says you better hope that things are good with me and her and it's like or else what he's like you just better hope things are good between me and her uh and and yeah and and josh is just is, again, he's escalated things. He's brought like a lot of like hostility and like just volume to the argument. Yeah. To the point where at the end of the conversation, it's just Nick and Josh and sweet Evan. And sweet Evan who's like got Nick's back in case shit go down.

Yeah. And then everybody kind of separates. and Josh starts threatening to leave. He, like, packs up his stuff and is like, you know, if Amanda doesn't trust me. Which, it was a fucking rose ceremony. They were probably already packed up. Yeah. It was, I, I yelled, like, oh, Josh is gonna do some fucking prop comedy, because he shows up, he, like, walks over to Amanda with his bags, and he's like, I got my bags packed.

comedy because he shows up he like walks over to me of his bags he's like i got my bags packed yeah he's he's upset that amanda would trust the twins over him and is kind of threatening that he's gonna leave um he does this whole like you and me babe against the world like isolationist bullshit and then amanda does say that she trusts him and that she's tired of people telling her who she should shouldn't be with and josh is like well i'm gonna stay for you uh and amanda tells us the viewer and this is the most infuriating part amanda says you know everybody said all this stuff about josh but nobody gives me specific examples and i was just like what did you just witness, Amanda? What did you literally rewind time 45 seconds? That is an example of what people are talking about. How did you not see that? Like, yo, your boyfriend's a dick.

No, he's not. Who said I was a dick? I'll kick your ass in. Like that. That's it. That is it. Griffin and I had a big conversation after this was over about just toxic masculinity and how somebody ends up like Josh because I don't fully understand it.

I always think there has to be some kind of specific catalyst that makes people like Rod and Josh just behave the way they do. like rod and josh just behave the way they do um i don't think it's but i don't my point is i don't think it's something that is like taught to you maybe it's i think it's something that like dudes like them aspire to not that that is it is a lofty goal but it's like a thing that they work towards and maybe they have their own like set of inspirations and like role models for why they want to work towards it but it's it's it's something i think you have to work really hard to be a a guy like that and it's it's it's not worth it fucking stinks dude and i think i think it's i don't know if we're just becoming more sensitive

to this stuff i i i think that's probably part of it because i don't know if we're just becoming more sensitive to this stuff i i think that's probably part of it because i feel like dudes like josh are a dime a dozen on reality television um i just said josh not rod i think rod was like a special outside case but like i feel like josh is the type of dude that you get a lot in tv shows like this. Yeah, like Gio on Are You the One? Gio even, I think, was worse than Jot. It's really fucking bad for all the same reasons. But that same kind of core belief that they have to fight all of the time, everybody and everyone.

To be an honorable man-man. Yeah. Just like, boy, howdy. I ain't got no stomach for that shit. Not on my batch, not on my batch not on my ato not not in the real world too but not on my precious television shows yeah it's the least attractive and and and most dangerous trait i think and and i don't understand when people are willing to overlook it yeah there's also like a zero percent chance that him and Amanda don't end up together on the finale next week.

And I'm very sorry, but there's not going to be a comeuppance. Chris Harrison's not going to step in and ask Josh to leave this time. That train has left the station and it's gone. that train has left the station and it's it's it's gone uh so the night the night ends with the two of them appearing to have reconciled um and then it's morning and we see wells on the beach by himself coming out of the ocean uh and he appears to be kind of lonely and kind of dazed by, you know, his arrival to paradise. And then Jami arrives. Jami. Sweet Jami.

Is she sweet? Because I don't remember anything about Jami. I don't really either. I know she was on Ben's season. I'd see, I felt like she, wasn't she causing shit with Jubes? Or no. There was an issue with Jub or no there was an issue with there was an issue with jubes i don't because i remember the scene might have been on the periphery there was the scene where amber confronted jubes in the bathroom and i feel like jami was like in this the squad of women who were like trying to trying to keep trying to keep jubes down yeah and you

know where i stand in that yeah no we're we're team Jube's all the way. And I think, was Jami... Have we seen her since then? Was she on Last Bip? No? This is the first Bip since characters from Ben's season have been on. Really?

Yeah. Ben was this... Ben was our first season of the of rose buddies that we covered remember the axe man yeah remember that was uh uh in like january of the this same calendar year okay oh my god i'm not trying to embarrass you i'm saying this year has been a fucking slog dude oh because everybody keeps dying and you've been pregnant for 20 years. 2016, man. 2016, man. It's a weird year.

It's a weird long one. Do you remember that year we had that was like 19 months long? That was a weird year. Oh. So Jami talks to Wells. She, of course, has a date card because she has just arrived. And nobody else is there.

And she's completely content to just talk to Wells. And so she decides to ask Wells on the date. Here's the thing. She rolled up looking for Wells. That's a guarantee. When she rolled up, and I'm surprised we didn't get that behind the scenes interview with her like i really wanted to ask out wells and he was literally the only conscious human being so i think that's probably a sign from from ashley's dog that i should probably go for it oh ashley's dog so many problems in the world could potentially be solved by Ashley's time. Just a little bit of guidance, yeah. So people start to wake up. And, you know, Jami is introducing herself.

And Wells is kind of talking about going on this date. And we keep cutting back to Ashley I, who is still asleep. And it comes time for them to leave on the date. And Ashley is still not woken up. And Jared is kind of nervous. And everyone is kind of nervous of like, oh, this is going to be a disaster. Because they're going to leave. And so they do leave.

And then when Ashley finally wakes up, she kind of walks out onto the beach. And Nick is on the beach talking to Jen. And everyone is watching from all corners of the various palapas and she takes it pretty well yeah she in fact jen i think throws maybe a little bit of shade because jen's like wow i am surprised at how mature you're being right now nick is is kind of telling her and he's kind of nervous to tell her uh and everybody is nervous about her reaction and she says it's fine um and everyone's like oh she's good and then evan kind of ominously says for now i think that was nice uh but yeah do you think there's people who aren't as familiar with ashley's body of work who think that, like, us laughing at stuff?

Guys, if you had seen as much show as we have seen. No, they know from this season. Okay, good. They know from this season. It's clear. Because it would be cruel otherwise to, like, laugh at a person's misfortune and constant crying. But it's just, like, it is so comedically the only thing she. Well, and she has a sense of humor about herself.

Like, if you've seen her on After Paradise or on Twitter, she knows that she cries a lot. She knows that she's very emotional. She's willing to make fun of herself to a point. So I don't feel bad at kind of teasing her. Okay, good. But yeah, her whole vantage point now is I went on a date with Wells. I'm over Jared. I'm much more mature than i

was last week and she's kind of doing everything she can to keep up that persona and i think her muted reaction to this is another example of that sure uh but so we get to see the date uh between jami and and we should be clear we call her jami her name name is Jamie. It is spelled J-A-M-I which we just think is fun to say is Jami. It's much more fun to say is Jami. They go off-roading in a little four-wheeler thing. Yeah, they're in like an ATV and they're mudding

which is, mudding is something I'm not familiar with but I imagine. Obviously by the fact that you're pronouncing the entire Jaron. But it's something I think... I just had the most stupendous experience. The hill folk call it mudding. Griffin, have you ever been mudding?

Yeah, I've been mudding. Really? M-U-D apostrophe N. Tell me about this experience you had. There was a family at our church that had a farm, and they had those little off-ATV, not the kind that they were on. They were in a dune buggy.

This is like an actual ATV, like a motorcycle with four wheels. And they had a farm, but they had a big patch of woods behind the house that they would just go sliding around, you know, sliding around. Now, did they manufacture the mud for this purpose? No, God did. And it would rain on it and it would get wet. But they didn't import fucking Parisian mud. No, I just wonder how you organize a mudden trip.

If you own enough land, you probably have a big ass muddy patch on it somewhere. How did you find this experience? Did you enjoy it? I enjoyed it. This is not especially funny, but a lot of people die doing ATV stuff because the things weigh a million pounds, and if it falls on you, you... Yeah, it seems dangerous to me. Yeah, it's pretty dangerous.

And messy, too, and I don't like that. I was just wearing swim shorts and a crappy t-shirt. So, you know, you just get hosed off at the end and you're all good to go. You want to tell me about getting hosed off? I was 13, weirdo. Never mind. You don't want to hear about my body going through so many special changes? Oh, God, no, I don't.

I mean, wonderful changes. My weird four-foot-six changes. Oh, God, no, I don't. I mean, wonderful changes. My weird four-foot-six frame. Oh, I'm sorry. I'm sorry, too. Okay. So after they finish with their mudden... She has a Batman-themed tattoo on her finger, too, which is neat. No, I'm into that.

Our friend Chris Plant threw so much shade. It's like, oh, Batman, really? No, well, he said, wow. Just the most common. Wow, you're such a nerd. I had no idea. Chris is like, it's literally the most popular comic book. I mean, she did get a tattoo of it.

Like, I have a tattoo of probably one of the most popular video game franchises ever. I don't think that makes me a fake nerd boy. They go swimming in a little natural spring area. They have matching teal swimsuits, which I found adorable. Both Canadian, by the way. Isn't Jeremy Canadian? i don't know i mean i think she is is wells wells is canadian i think he lives in nashville i think he's canadian why why are you why do you think that he just he just seems like he had his temperament you know okay okay although daniel was canadian and he had a decidedly non-canadian temperament i don't think wells is because they made a big deal when jami arrived about her being canadian

and daniel also being canadian and i think they kind of left it at that i don't think my mistake um so we cut back to uh paradise and um jared and kayla exchange a little chat about a butt smack and i wrote it down i don't know if we want to talk about it but it was just further evidence for ashley that it was difficult for her to around. I'll talk about it if it means we can skip the rest of the Ashley stuff that happens. Because Kayla just says like, you left a mark on my butt with that butt slap last night. And Jared's like, ooh. And then Ashley gets upset. I think about that because she's like, she pulls Kayla aside and is like, you know, trying to hold it together because Wells is gone on another date. And this whole time she's like laughing while delivering.

This scene like creeped me the fuck out. I think it was. I don't get off on that. I'm not down with that, like, oh, she's crazy and going to murder you. But, like, she was, like, laughing, saying, like, I mean, you know, like. It was pushed. If Wells comes home and is in love with Jamie, like, I'm just going to lose my mind. I think it was orchestrated.

I think they were pushed together to have this conversation and it was so heavily edited like no two sentences actually happened in the sequence that were shown on the television but basically ashley says you know i just don't don't full-on make out in front of me like i'm fine with you guys like talking or whatever but like just don't don't be affectionate in front of me and kayla's like so over it. And they have the same conversation they've had. And Kayla just says like, do you want me to leave? And Ashley sits there and thinks about it for a while.

Yeah. What does she actually say? What is her actual response to her asking if she wants her to leave? That's the thing. It was cut in such a way that it doesn't seem like she ever responded. Yeah. And there's all these weird edits there that just it's difficult to tell how the conversation is going down yeah and when so this is the end of the episode this is the end

of monday night um and kayla tells us that you know ashley is making it really hard for her to be here. And there's this kind of suggestion that Kayla might go home. But the whole conversation is edited together so strangely that you're kind of like, am I just being manipulated to think Kayla's going to go home? But then Kayla pulls Jared aside and definitively says, like, I'm going home. And that's how the episode ends. And kind of the cliffhanger there is, is Jared going to go with her? Because Kayla seems like, no, I've made up my mind.

I'm fucking leaving. Flash uh flash for oh there was a really really good after credit sequence so there is a sequence at the end of episode eight uh which maybe is the right number i don't know i think it might be seven okay well it's monday night's episode uh nick goes through and does impressions of some of our beloved island members. They were very, very good. He does one of Jared. He does one of Evan. That's really good.

His thing of Jared was like, Jared's just always deflecting like, I don't know. And since he pointed that out like oh my god it is ruined batman for me uh he does evan's kind of like like scrunch face smile that evan does um and he does a wells impression at which point they show wells impression of nick which is also very charming give those two a show together i know god. God, I would watch that show. Hell yeah. Well, we might have that show. What if Wells shows up as the DJ for the house next season?

Hell yeah. Oh, how funny if they went on a date and Wells is DJing and the girl is like, oh, I'm so excited that Wells is here. Oh, Wells is here. I gotta go. Flash forward to this. Can we please, please, please resolve so excited that Wells is here. Oh, Wells is here. I gotta go. Flash forward to this.

Can we please, please, please resolve the Ashley drama just so fast? I mean, I don't know that it'll ever be resolved, but I will do my best. So this is tonight's episode. Kayla tells Jared she's leaving immediately. And Jared kind of is like, well, let me go talk to Ashley. You know, let me go talk to everybody else. And Kayla's like, I don't need to talk to anybody else. I'm ready to go.

Why do you have to talk to anybody else? She's just like, I'm uncomfortable. I don't want to be here. I'm going to go. And then so Jared does go talk to Ashley because they think he kind of wants to figure out what happened. And Ashley's like, oh, I didn't tell her to leave. And Jared says bullshit. Yeah.

And then Ashley says, in the least self-aware moment, tells us the viewer, like, I think Kayla is the kind of person that just likes attention. She's like, oh, Ashley. No. were like i think kayla is the kind of person that just likes attention just like oh no uh and there's this weird thread and i just want to talk about it briefly that there's some side of kayla that we the audience are not seeing and ashley keeps referencing it it's fucking horseshit because if it existed existed, we'd see it. That's what I assume. Like, is the franchise so set on clear heroes and clear villains that they are going to withhold anything that's kind of shades of gray from us? Unless, like, Kayla kept it on the super stealth and was, like, not shitty and was super shitty, like, the two percent of their day where they're not on camera like i don't get it i don't know like is it when they're on the toilet and there's no cameras

probably in the toilet zone and so you can be like wow that actually sucks right yeah we get a moment too when all the stuff with uh amanda josh is going down where lace makes it clear that she doesn't like Kayla either. Kayla comes up to talk to them. That one comes out of fucking nowhere. And Lace is like, I can't stand her. It's so weird. But yeah, so Ashley's talking to Jared and she's trying to impress upon him that she was not sabotaging their relationship.

to impress upon him that she was not sabotaging their relationship. And then she bursts into tears and says, you know, I, I, you think that I did this to try and destroy you guys. And then Jared starts comforting her because she's upset. And we see Kayla packing and it starts to seem like Kayla is going to leave before Jared is like even have a chance to figure things out. And then Ashley goes on this big monologue about how Jared is so great. And she's just so lucky. Everyone loves Jared and everybody wants the best for him. And everyone's just lucky to have someone like Jared in their life. And Kayla at this point is in the car and she is pulling away and she's just like ashley's in love with him it's really hard to be here when it's like that and then we see jared kind of chasing the car and then he gets in the car with her

this is the last thing i want to say about this is there's so much crazy revisionist history happening now we're like on the after show they brought out kayla to say about this is there's so much crazy revisionist history happening now we're like on the after show they brought out kayla to talk about the relationship which ended six weeks or so after the tv show um wrapped and they brought out jared to tell his side of the story and jared like talked a lot about kayla even like she wasn't there like oh you know we had some really bad days together and uh you know kayla said some stuff and i said some and then the fucking worst thing happens where the hosts say well let's see we can we can hear it directly from ashley because she's here and the camera like does this like sickening zoom onto kayla's face who clearly did not know that ashley was also going

to be here and she makes this like micro expression of torment that was like poor kayla oh man kayla you did not deserve she can you just feel like she can't get away but there's this revisionist history uh of ashley saying like i'm just trying to protect my friend. And it's like the week before you said that you guys were in love and you wanted to make out with his mind. And like, that's bullshit. That's such bullshit. And I can't believe that. I feel like this show is trying to sell us this line of like, she's trying to look out for a friend, man. Well, I don't know. See, part of me feels like, she's trying to look out for her friend, man. Well, I don't know.

See, part of me feels like maybe she's gotten an exceptionally rough edit. She said, I know how to make out with his mind. And as far as I looked, it was a single linear sequence of words that she was stringing together. Yeah, she also calls Kayla, I think, like a backstabbing whore at one point. Like, I know that she's definitely. She calls Shoshana a Russian hooker. Like, we need to all get okay with the fact that Ashley I just sucks. Yeah. like a backstabbing whore at one point like i know that she's she's definitely shawna russian hooker like we need to all get okay with the fact that ashley i just sucks yeah like i just this there was there is an article i read today that talks about kind of the trope of women

being portrayed as crazy and is ashley i an example of that i don't think she's no i don't think she's crazy i think the show definitely tries to sell that i don't think she's crazy i just think she sucks i think she's i think she just kind of just kind of stinks yeah i i don't know if i'm willing to go that far but i am willing to say that um she will not have a successful relationship if she doesn't dramatically change the way that she approaches or maybe that's just the character that she plays on tv like either way like i'm fucking over it please god please bachelor bachelor please god please not again never again please i'm begging you i'll give you anything please don't make this another storyline on the show please i will die um so wells and jami get back from their date

and they're holding hands and um they get the news from nick that jared and kayla have left and everybody kind of delicately dances around like what actually happened yeah um and and ashley wants to talk to wells and wells is kind of bracing himself one, he knows that he left on a date with Jami without talking to her. And, two, he knows that Jared just left, and that's probably another thing that's emotional. And so he's just kind of stealing himself for this moment. But he's still honest. He says he has an incredible date with Jami and that you know it was a really wonderful time and

meanwhile Jami is back in the palapa telling Nick that she's like 89% sure that Wells prefers her and Wells is telling us the viewer you know there's zero complications with Jami but

when Wells is talking to Ashley, Ashley's like really dialing in, you can tell that she's really like, Oh, you know, tell me about your date. And oh, you know, I admit it was like, you know, kind of hard, but you know, I get it like it's hard and you'd figure stuff out. And Wells says, quote, you seem so rational and normal. And I'm so confused. quote, you seem so rational and normal, and I'm so confused. He just kind of is totally candid in the fact that he was not expecting her to handle this in any way that did not involve tears. And this is when she kind of reiterates her new platform, which is that she's matured a lot in the last week,

of reiterates her new platform which is that she's matured a lot in the last week and that she's you know and that she's being the most composed version of herself uh so that's i mean that's the resolution there on that well kind of because then we have two new challengers into the ring first we get a little interlude of izzy talking about how excited she is about Brett. This seems like a segment of the show is just like, we have not shown these people for like six hours. Well, because remember when Vinny left, I was like, well, Izzy doesn't even know for sure that she has anything with Brett. And this was kind of like a, oh, she does a little bit. Yeah.

And she's like, I don't want to compare the two, but I'm definitely more myself than I was before. Which is hard to hear. It's hard for little sweet Vinny. Because we like Vinny. Well, I think he's okay. Baby, put him in a straitjacket. I mean, I did just, here's the thing about Vinny, I did just come. So.

Oh, I don't like it phrased that way. Mission accomplished. I don't like that phrasing. I just came. Yeah, see, then it's like a fun thing. But if I state it like, I did just come. Yeah, no, that's gross. I don't like it phrased that way. Mission accomplished. I don't like that phrasing. I just came. Yeah, see, then it's like a fun thing. But if I state it like, I did just come. Yeah, no, that's gross. I don't like that.

I did just come. What if I say it in that voice? No, Vinny. I ejaculated. Thanks, Vinny. Vinny is an artist, and it's easy to discount the careful phrasing he does when he creates a song. But there's a reason that he said it that way. And we need to respect that.

I just came. Right? It's like Cellar Door. It's a beautiful series. Okay, so Wells is talking about how he's struggling already with Jami and Ashley. I can't get a drink of water. We've been talking for an hour and 20 minutes. Okay, okay.

So he's struggling with Jami and Ashley. He knows more women are coming. He's just like, please let these women not be interested in me. I can only handle two. Oh, poor Wells. Oh, not be interested in me. I can only handle two. Oh, poor Wells. Oh, too many women like me. I'm so lovable and handsome and svelte. All these things are true.

I don't know why you're talking in that voice. I'm too cool and smart and funny and beautiful. My body is too smooth and soft and beautiful and everyone loves me. I'm Wells. This is the worst impression you've ever done. Or is is the worst impression you've ever done or is it the best impression i've ever done because i finally found a way to put that guy on blast mind freak mind freak uh so lauren h arrives who is the kindergarten teacher from ben's season who did not like jubilee no and then we did not like her no we instantly didn't like her well

because she said something about like she doesn't seem like mother material to me or something like that like i can't see her with the soccer moms or something oh that's what it was fucking lauren h you do not realize what a rotten thing that is to say uh and it doesn't seem like lauren h is going to be particularly interested in wells so wells is kind of like all right cool, cool, cool, cool. She's talking to Brett a little bit, and the women are kind of advising her to pick Brett. And then Shoshanna arrives from Ben's season.

Episode one, right? Like, she didn't... Another episode one? Yeah. She spoke primarily Russian to the point that we weren't even sure if she spoke English. Which was not... This episode in the after show had its fair share of xenophobia. That was not which was not this this episode in the after show had its fair share of xenophobia that was not what we were espousing that was literally like her shtick in that first episode is that her limo exit was her coming out and she only spoke

russian and so like she walked in the house and ben was like i have no idea who that was. Seriously, what is with all these episode one send homes that are getting a spot up in BIP? I don't know, but they're coming so late in the season that it's kind of almost like a filler. I guess, maybe a little bit. They've gone through a lot of human resources. Most of the heavy hitters came episode one and got the

longest day in paradise i guess so yeah uh so shoshana is very interested in wells pulls him away immediately uh and comes on pretty strong um and asks him on the date and so it's another double date because both women arrived at the same time so So it's Lauren and Brett and Shoshana and Wells. And then Jami and Ashley and Izzy are all kind of sitting bonding about how their men have left them. Yeah. And they're threatened. And then the double date is surf school. You remember my surf school song?

I don't remember. Can you give me a bar i think it was just like a surf school is there is that the chorus or is that like that's the whole song okay hey listen i'm no dj vincente you really aren't surf school i just came put them in a strange jacket dj been saying see you're good at this it's my job it's like living with my own vinnie it's like living with your own billy joel why is billy joel your go-to he's america's go-to baby okay i would have said bruce springsteen no he sucks no oh oh yikes it's uh the truth that everyone knows oh no sacred calves around here i guess i'm being a little too edgy uh everyone seems to be having a really good time uh wells is very attracted to shoshanna and he says i he says like something like his shoe is sexy and somebody pointed out in the group that

it sounds like i love lamp just the subject verb agreement is off and i love it shoe is sexy. Yeah. He compares her to a Russian Bond villain. Yeah, there's a lot of... Which is a little slippery. Yeah. He says, I don't know if she wants to cast a spell on me or murder me or tear my clothes off. And it's like, which Bond villain practices sorcery? Was there one? I thought it was more a commentary on her being Russian.

was there one? I thought it was more a commentary on her being Russian. Again, though, I do have to ask, is it like, are we talking about like a Baba Yaga situation? Or like, what's the Russian sorceress connection there? Like a sexy Baba Yaga. Yeah, that's a, I mean, yeah. I don't think Baba Yaga was known to be, was known to be banging.

I guess it depends on what you're into, though. Yeah, I'm going to have to do some research. Maybe you like mossy flesh. Yeah, I'm definitely going to have to do some research. My memory isn't good on Baba Yaga. Please, God. Please set me free. Okay, so there's this moment.

This really irritated me. Maybe not so much you. Brett and Lauren H. are talking on the beach. And Lauren H., her narrative is that she is just completely plain in every way. And she seems to assert this as if it's like a going to be a comfort. She says, I'm just a very normal average person which like way to sell yourself lauren h did she actually say that i'm just a normal average person i wrote it down and i was outraged in the moment i was like that is her whole whole argument it's just like hey look at me i'm i'm ready to be i think i'm outraged about it for a different reason which is like who the fuck are you to say what a normal average person is? See, I'm more outraged that for her, when she thinks, what is going to be appealing about me? It is that she is so easily molded into any kind of very basic stereotype you might have.

And it's just like, yes, that's me i will be that that's one layer deeper than i'm willing to go it's just like what a fucking weird sales pitch i'm just i'm just did you watch much community um yeah i did it's like there reminds me of their mascot which is just the human beings. It's just like a man in a skin-tight, all-encompassing gray polyester suit with a scary face drawn on it. It's just featured. I'm a featureless blob. We've watched and talked about The Bachelor show way too much this week.

I'm about to keel over. There's a few moments back at the beach. Nick is talking to Ashley about not being too obsessive with Wells. Izzy is kind of explaining to Jami why she left Vinny. And then we cut back to the date and shoshana is talking about her wish bracelets uh and how they always come true and are you familiar with a wish bracelet only from russian folklore the baba yaga used them to trick sailors no i don't know she know. She, like many contestants on this show, is wearing a lot of accessories, which include, like, I don't know, 15 bracelets on her arm.

And Wells is tying another one on, and she talks about how her wishes always come true. A wish bracelet, if I recall, is one that, when it falls apart, like falls off of your wrist, you get the wish you made on that bracelet. It tells all the other kids in middle school how much stuff you've done no those are jelly bands have we talked about this on the show probably i mean at this point i mean this episode alone contains 12 hours of of uh of information so i think we've probably talked about jelly bands at some point during this episode uh so evan and carly are on a beach mattress uh and they're kind of canoodling uh and then and then there's this interplay of their canoodling and iguanas evan's looking on it starts with evan slapping her butt because she said something along the lines of like evan's not the type to slap my butt or something like that it was like they talked about like butt slaps in a previous episode and

then he did it and he was like how was that for an ass slap and they started making out uh and then we got like a lot of iguana sex noises um and then a reference to his uh yeah we got a sensor bar over over his engorgement. And he's like, I can't stand up right now. He's like, do you have a boner? And he's like, yeah, I have a boner. And you can too if you come to Evan's Boner Practice. Evan's Boner Shack.

Come on out. I've got, the proof is in the pudding. It's a really bad sequence of noises. Yeah. And so then there's, there's a lot of recapping in this episode. So for some reason, Evan goes into a detailed recap of everything that happened with Amanda and Josh. And I don't know why we need this.

And it had the craziest worst gaussian blur like i've ever seen like they just cranked that shit up to 100 and then broke off the knob it was like who is that speaking right now who is that weird tan jelly blob uh and then there's a date card uh and the date card... It's fake. It's another fucking forgery. On the date card, we get to see it. And it says, like, Amanda, you deserve this. Hashtag Jamanda. Which Chris would not write that.

No. I know. It was weird. And so they go on their date. And Josh gets to the table with Amanda. And he's got a big pizza in front of his seat get it it's like a joke he's not a piece of shit he's got good pizza jokes well pizza joke and just just the one josh gives another speech about you know we've been through a lot and i just want you

to know that you're my focus. And I don't care about anybody else and I feel good about what we have and I'm excited, you know, that I'm starting to fall in love with you and to take this outside of paradise. And Amanda says that she's a good judge of character, which oh, Amanda, I don't think so.

I don't think you are. There's a reference to like her ready to get engaged or something like that to Josh. It's going to happen in the finale gang, just strap in. Yeah, she says, Josh isn't perfect, but he's perfect for me. And then there's fireworks, and she tells us that she's in love with Josh. And that's what we're getting from those two. Cool.

What happened next? This is when Ashley says her competition for wells right now is quote a russian hooker and a random girl from canada cool fuck off uh and then wells is kind of trying to figure out what he wants to do he talks to jami and the conversation seems to go well jami's like you know what i'm going for it i have to you know keep eyes on the prize focus on number one jami in this whole situation and that's that's the end of the episode um and then we get a nice clip of brett destroying a lamp by the ocean which seems dangerous like there's glass shards just like you're gonna leave those

in the sand um we also get a trailer for next week's episode and we just see like a bunch of dudes looking for rings and we get a confirmation there's multiple engagements that happen we get a clip of nick crying although now we know that things apparently didn't end well between nick and jen which they addressed when they announced that he's going to make it seem like everybody has to get up on the same proposal platform because it shows like every single guy up on that platform, which makes me think like, I don't understand how this is going down because I can't believe that every single person wants to propose. Yeah. So Nick is going to be the next Bachelor. That's going to be the after show.

Yeah, we watched the after show. There was Jared was on it. Wells was on it. Kayla and Ashley were on it. And then there was a man. There was Paul Scheer, who was who was funny. There was a man on the show named. Wells was on it. Kayla and Ashley were on it. And then there was a man, there was Paul Scheer, who was funny. There was a man on the show named, what was his name? Flo?

Flo? Flug. Are you sure it was Flug? No, I don't know. Damn it. Flulaborg. You were close with Flugaborg. But he was just a very, very funny German man who was apparently a DJ and YouTuber.

And he was in Pitch Perfect, too. And he had me rolling when they didn't, like, they let him talk, like, three times. And every time they did, Michelle, the host, would be like, German joke. Shitty German joke. Yeah. I can't do four hours of this show a week and then do an hour and a half of podcasting. I know. I feel like I'm doing one of those fucking competitions where you stand around and you

keep your hand on a car in the middle of a mall. I feel like I'm, like, I feel like this is the hardest thing I've ever done in my whole life. We do get to find out about Jared's love for Rob Thomas. That was, almost made it worth it. Because, like, what's going on with Smooth Nation right now? Yeah, Rob Thomas is having a moment. He sure is.

And I guess by proxy, Carlos Santana is also having, like, a pretty good year. Yeah. Or maybe he's having a very bad year, because he doesn't want people to just think, Carlos Santana, oh, the smooth man. But at the very, very end of the episode, like the last two minutes, they clear the stage and announce that Nick is going to be the next Bachelor. And everybody is very excited. And that means Rachel and I can do this show with a clean conscience.

I'm excited, man. I think it's going to be good. Let's wrap up here. We have next week is the finale of Bachelor in Paradise. So look forward to that. clean conscience i'm excited man i think it's gonna be good um well let's wrap up here we have next week is the finale of bachelor in paradise so look forward to that it's another two night dealie so we'll be back wednesday and then we don't know exactly what we're gonna be do we've taught we've pitched some stuff around so in september i'll be gone um almost the whole whole month doing the my brother my brother and me in Huntington. So we need to figure out

what we're going to be doing in the interim because we want to keep doing episodes and stuff. The gay dating show hosted by Lance Bass is going to be on Logo. Yes. What's that? Prince Charming? Yes. And that's another

option for us. It's just going to be a timing issue of figuring out kind of what time's out right. When we can both watch it, yeah. Yeah. Um, there's also Canadian Bachelor is supposed to get fucking buck wild. Or maybe it won't get buck wild. Maybe it'll be very demure. Um.

Yeah, we'll just have to figure out, because we, we have a lot of online options. We do not have cable. cable so it has to be available online we're kind of book people no that's obviously clearly that's not evidence by the fact that we do a bachelor podcast yeah um anyway that's gonna do it for us uh join us next week for one last night in paradise uh thank you all listening. Thank you for the sweet gifts you've been sending to our P.O. Box. It's P.O. Box 66639 Austin, Texas 78766. And thanks for joining the Rose Buddies Facebook group. The live discussion threads on those are always very lively and entertaining.

Except when people in there badmouth Hanson. I don't want to see that kind of fucking talk. Not in my Facebook group. Our Facebook group. But you don't love Hanson the way I do. I don't want to see that kind of fucking talk. Not in my Facebook group. Our Facebook group. But you don't love Hanson the way I do. I don't. I'll play you some selections after we finish. Please do.

I'm just kidding. We're both going to go immediately to bed. Until next time, I'm Griffin McElroy. I'm Rachel McElroy. When you're ready. Stay with us on this journey of joy. Spoiler alert. She ends up with Soulja Boy. Right reasons. Right reasons. Can't be built for all four seasons.