Wonderful! - Ep. 38: The Nip Files

Episode Date: September 24, 2016

WHAT AREN’T THEY TELLING US? The truth is out there, by which we mean ‘The truth is under one of these boys’ shirts.’ This is a podcast about The Bachelorette Canada, by the way. This description wasn’t very clear, earlier. MaxFunDrive ends on March 29, 2024! Support our show now by becoming a member at maximumfun.org/join.

Maybe you should go and do some contemplating. Right reasons, right reasons. Me and my girl, we're all the right reasons. Right reasons, right reasons. Me and my girl, we're all the right reasons. I'm the Bachelorette and I'm rapping to your poolside. Here to find true love. Hi, this is Rachel McElroy.

Hi, this is Griffin McElroy. And this is Rose Buddies. My wife, it's so good to see you again. Tell me about what it's like in sunny West Virginia. It's extremely sunny. It's extremely hot. And it's not, it hasn't been the ideal sort of shooting weather for the kind of stuff we've been doing, which is mostly like running in the woods and having a parade.

doing which is mostly like running in the woods and having a parade um it's it's been a it's all of my shirts i could just like take them and stand them up on end they're just so full of my they're so full of my stink and my humors um how's austin uh it's good it's good i you know i just i was in dallas uh for most of the week but i got back and it is hot but not too bad like 80 degrees i don't like not being around you you know it was it was a it was it was kind of a fun watch for me this week i got to hang out with travis and theresa and bradbury and justin and Justin and Bristol. So actually not a bad crew for the watch this week. Oh, did they all watch with you? Yeah, they did. We had Tudor's Biscuit World

and watched it. Oh, that's nice. And fans, I apologize if this is not appealing to you, but Rachel and I are just catching up because we're in Huntington shooting a TV show and she's back in Austin for the next week. But yeah, had a nice watch. Did you just watch it by yourself in a hotel room in Dallas?

Because that's going to make me pretty sad. That is exactly what I did. Damn, girl. But my notes are probably better than they've ever been. They're probably really, really good because you got to hear a lot of it. I took occasion to actually pause just so I could be sure to capture things so yes um big ups big ups by the way to the rose buddies group member who um managed to secure the episode for us that was really solid for you i don't know really solid i don't know if i want to mention

that we will let's not say his name because we don't want to go to jail but i don't we have no other way of watching it right now so i i kind of wanted to pretend since we know that that what we we flew to canada to watch a television episode and then flew back we know that like a lot of the production team listen to this show now right but that's not this isn't up to them you know like you guys are making great product i've very much been enjoying the show that you all are making together together and i know that if it were up to you, you'd want the whole universe to see it. But we gots to get ours. You know what I mean?

Do you want to talk about the episode, baby? It's so good to see you, by the way. It's really, really just a solid sort of viewing of you right now. Very excited about it. Yeah, let's get going. All right, let's roll. Okay okay so we are in jamaica already hey what are we doing here we've been here for a while it's nice to meet you come to jamaica with me this whole experience i i because they literally went to sandals it reminded me of

that episode of the office somebody put that in the group michael starts dating uh what's her name jan jan yeah starts dating like doesn't start dating jan like kisses her once and then invites her to sandals jamaica after like not even dating like that's literally exactly what happened here yeah um and we get jasmine saying that this is the perfect place to fall in love word for word like we all cheered like it never happens word for word anymore um and the dudes arrive and uh mikhail also says it's the perfect place to fall in love so it's just it's just one two three four they're all just falling in line lining them up and knocking them down something we need to talk about about mikhail we need to

talk about mikhail because i noticed this week and you didn't notice which is insane um my dude and i love my dude he does have a little a fun little well it's a nipple piercing all right so you're a hundred percent on this here's the thing i'm. I think it's Mikkel. I don't know for sure, but I think it's Mikkel. Because it is Schrodinger's nipple piercing. Because sometimes it's there, sometimes it's not. But I've definitely seen it. I don't know that I've seen his nipple and face in the same shot. But I'm pretty sure I've cross-referenced the materials.

And I think Mikkel's got a little fun little dumbbell in his nip-nip. That doesn't really seem like Mikkel. You know, here's the only thing I could think. He is an airplane like an aeronautics engineer right? So maybe that likes to party?

Well, yes, I do think aeronautics engineers know how to party. They fly all the time and that's gotta get them like feeling invincible. I don to party. They fly all the time, and that's got to get them feeling invincible. I don't think they probably fly all the time. Well, yeah, they do. They're not pilots. No, but they want to make sure their shit's on point. Anyway, I think maybe he's got a little airplane gizmo in there.

I think he's got a little airplane gadget or gizmo in his nippy, and maybe it's like an altimeter. Is maybe it's, like, an altimeter. Is that what they're called? An altimeter? Like, built into his nip-nip. What'd you knock over? Oh, my God. It's okay.

It's my notes. Okay. I'm very nervous. You're recording in my office right now. And I'm not there. And I'm just afraid you're going to, like, you're going to break something. I'm very particular. Now I'm just looking around for things I can break.

Oh, no. Uh-oh. I've got your mouse. Oh, no. Well, you're going to need that mouse to end the recording and put it in Dropbox, so don't break that. Okay. Can we continue, or do you want to have more nipple theories? Could you do me a favor? Well, it's not a theory.

It's a confirmed fact. Mikhail's got a tight nipple piercing and maybe more stuff pierced. I don't know. I need, can you do me a favor? Can you shut the door behind you because I'm just looking at the toilet over your shoulder in the bathroom behind you

and it's distracting me. No, don't worry about it. Are you sure? Yeah, I'll just, I'm focusing on your face, not on the toilet right behind you. Do you want me to close the door? No, I want to just talk about the bachelorette canada okay uh so we get uh kevin p really um really soaking into the jamaica vibe and he's on the ukulele again oh that's the deckhand

no we can't call him kevin p there's there's more than one kevin i haven't memorized all the boys names yet especially the ones that share names he's diarrhea deckhand okay um and so he's saying that he has recovered from what he calls ebola probably wasn't that but okay uh and then david the musician who uh told all the guys to top that says that he believes he's the underdog now because of his unfortunate week. You're handsome and you know an instrument. Like there are so many other stragglers below you, dog. You have no idea. So the dudes are assembled outside.

Noah, the host, arrives with an envelope and never once calls it a date card, which I thought was interesting. These date cards have different syntax too, which I kind of appreciate in that they- Yeah, they have a new approach too. I was fascinated by this. So they open the card, they read the message, and then they say who the message is to. Right, so it's like, come fly with me, Jasmine.

And then they flip the card over and then they drop the names. Yeah. I think it's a better way to do it. You get that punch. You get that. Yeah, you get that tension. Who's it for?

Who is going to fly? I don't know. And it goes to Thomas, who is the international model. He's been all over, man. I don't know if you know this, but he is not just from around here. And Thomas, instead of saying it's a one-on-one, calls it a single date. I enjoy that.

I could see that. These were fascinating to me, but I recognize they're probably not especially exciting to other people. It's like carriage, buggy, elevator. Lift. Lift. It's like that kind of thing. Yeah.

We call them singles up north. Lift. Lift. Like that kind of, it's like that kind of thing. Yeah. We call them singles up north. Onesies. We call them onesies. Oh, but a one-on-one date? Mm-hmm. Hey, do you know what they call, what you say when you go into the bathroom when you're making a TV show? What? This is a real thing.

Okay. I've had to learn so many things. This may have been actually the first thing I asked. Like, hey, when I have to go use the bathroom, because it's going to happen a lot, what do I do? Like, how do I tell the crew, like, hey, I need everybody to wait

for however long I'm in the potty making water. And they say, there's two terms. You say 10-1. I'm going 10-1. That means you're going to pee. And 10-2 means you're going to poopy. Isn't that interesting? That's awful.

It's awful, but I feel uncomfortable saying it. Not really, because I love saying it, and I do it often and with aplomb. But it's, I mean, they got to know. Where's Griffin? Oh, he's on 10-2. Why not just say, I want to use the bathroom? Because they have to know how long you're going to be gone. So if it's a 10-1, they know like, oh, he's going to be back pretty soon.

10-2, eh, it could be a little while. So if you think it's going to be, like, extra long, would you say, like, 10-4? That's what 10-4 means. 10-4, good buddy, I understand you. And also, I'm going to go shit for a very long time. Can we keep talking about the show? Yeah, that was just a little griffin mccroy tv production fun fact now i'm giving people the unreal experience okay

uh so andrew after thomas gets the date andrew tells the camera um and he seems a little discouraged that thomas got the date and he says if she she wants a Saskatchewan boy that looks Brazilian and carries around a yoga mat, I might have no shot. Yeah. That's a good line. Which I paused so I could capture in its entirety. There was this,

this episode had some references to Canadian prejudices, I guess, or that I didn't, I don't, I don't know i just don't know what you're talking about like if you if you're from saskatchewan and you can't ride an atv like what do you even i don't understand what that means i'm based i'm using context because i'm guessing saskatchewan is like sort of the rural yeah like yeah okay that's kind of like the flyover states of the flyover province

it's probably a rude way of referring to them but that's the impression i get see i was picturing more like a like a montana you know it's a fly i think that's a fly a flyover flyover state you know no offense to montana i'm sure you're beautiful whenever i hear flyover i just think midwest um yeah because that's where i'm from, and I've always felt overlooked. You see a lot of airplanes. I see a lot of airplanes in the sky. Okay, so we go immediately to the date, and Jasmine is in khaki shorts in front of a dune buggy.

Really activating my Laura Dern sort of sensors. When else do those get activated? I've said that about you definitely before. Like, it's the khaki shorts with the, like, blue... The sleeveless? No, no, no, it's sleeves. Like, blue long-sleeve even, like, button-up shirt with the khaki shorts.

And, like, the pull-back hair. It's like, what's up, Laura Dern in Jurassic Park? Like, let me teach you about chaos theory. So you're Jeff Goldblum in this scenario i would be jeff goldblum yes i had i had a crush on laura durn in jurassic park when i was like six years old what's up uh and so they're putting on each other's helmets and they're talking about how the chemistry between them is insane and i could like feel it through the camera i don't know about you no yeah they were trying to like yeah they were trying to like get down on each other because and and the way that you knew that is because they helped each other put on their helmets hey guys their their helmets they're literally like bicycle

helmets there's a little snap and you just push the two ends together it's about as complex as a seat belt you can do it um and so they drive on a relatively even road for a while and jasmine's at the at the wheel while they're doing this and then they switch and thomas like goes like full on through like mud pits and stuff and then they both remark about how excited they are. The other one is okay. Getting dirty. What's the, I don't understand. Jasmine seemed very surprised by the fact that Thomas was willing to get dirty as if she's suggesting that models have to be beautiful at all times in case they're,

they just suddenly like turn a corner and are in a photo shoot. All of a sudden, I developed a theory that in in a photo shoot all of a sudden. I developed a theory that in fact all Canadians like to be clean. Oh, interesting. They're like cats in that regard. And that she and he were both shocked because the other was willing to not be clean for a moment. Yeah. And it was like a Canadian thing.

Okay, I can see that. This is fun. Well, if you think about it their big sport is on ice and there's like no cleaner sport than are you kidding me you remember that time we went to our friend pete's hockey game and they get sweaty they get fucking so sweaty and so stinky because they're wearing like armor out there and they go and take it off and like physical stink clouds come out it's bad dude but it's not like football or soccer where you're like or you know you're like hitting the turf getting all yeah but like golf golf is the cleanest sport that's a good point yeah all right

hockey players get stanky dog and bloody they beat the shit out of each other okay well i guess you're the hockey expert now yeah i've taken the mantle i've watched five hockey games with you now i'm now i'm the master the other thing i appreciated about this is uh they stay on this date the whole time they never cut away they never like cut back to like what are the bros doing in the house it's like okay now we're off the vehicle and we're having a picnic on the beach um and we learn a little bit more about thomas yeah did you know that he models in multiple countries well it was more than that he tells this story about how he used to work for his

dad's construction company and then he fell and broke both his ankles and was in a wheelchair for six months uh and then he vowed in that moment to make it the best thing that ever happened to him uh which i guess as soon as he recovered he went to a model search and that was yeah he talked about how like he went to like cambodia or something and just like sold all his shit and now he lives out of a suitcase and he doesn't regret a thing i think she's into that part a lot and i may just be basing that on the fact that she has a tattoo that says explore on her body yeah i know he said that he'd been to shanghai and korea and only has a suitcase and a passport now she was that's that's that's the life for me man uh and i noticed in while they were having this

convo thomas do the tongue thing did you see it oh the lick in the lips yeah stuff that's not that's not what he does it's more subtle than that talk about jurassic park you look like a one of those spitter dinosaurs right now. Oh, that's great. There was that one time. Do you remember that time that I blinded Wayne Knight? Yeah. We were out at dinner and I saw him and I was like,

I've just got to blind that dude. But yeah, so she gives him the rose for the single date and they kiss and they get in the water and they kiss more. They kiss a lot in the ocean on their first date. They both talk. This is one of those examples where they talk about how this was one of the best dates ever. And I think like,

yeah, yeah, that seemed pretty good. Yeah. It seemed like a good date. Also though, it's literally the first date of the whole show. Yeah.

It was the first day of the whole show and they were making out in the ocean at Sandals, Jamaica. That's like fifth date territory in in the u.s do do canadian couples just move faster well this is this is the franchise though this is not this is not different than our american version i think it's different i think on the first date you don't end up in the water in jamaica smooching smooching well yeah i guess sometimes they wait a few weeks before they start traveling together yeah uh so now we go back to the dudes at the house and we learn about the big divide between

this is where this is where i first see that piercing by the way go if you're if you're one if you want to re-watch the footage this is about where i see that that beautiful beautiful nape see that would mean though that mikhail was sitting with the jocks and was he they all of the every boy in the house had their shirt off it was mandatory i thought the sensitive dudes were all like laying on their backs with their shirts on sensitive dudes are still cut as fuck and like this this is what was crazy to me there's a bunch of toronto boys is that the city that they're all from? A bunch of Toronto boys.

Like Toronto boys roll together. The buff boys and then the weirdos. Yeah, so there's the party animals and the sensitive intellectuals. And the Toronto. But they're all extremely attractive and just fucking reaped. all extremely attractive and just fucking reaped the uh toronto guys um distinguished themselves because they they like have the balls to live in a big city that was the thing that they said if you live in toronto you gotta have balls what the fuck are you talking about have you been to toronto yeah it was crazy everyone had huge beautiful balls i was like i would live here if i could but look at these look at these sad balls

i couldn't live in toronto not with these babies oh don't say that griffin i've they're they're just not toronto balls babe what do you want me to say uh and this is also when we learn that some of the guys the gym guys uh don't like chris mostly drew like drew is the one sort of leading this charge and this is like it's based on literally fucking nothing except for the fact that i am kind of with them because chris did try to kill the bachelorette with a bomb that he brought into the house in the first episode if it weren't for that if it weren't for his grim machinations like i i would think this is just a jokey joke, but I think this guy may be a security concern.

I don't know. I think he's just kind of dweeby. No, he seems like a really sweet guy who did bring a bomb into the house to try to kill the Bachelorette Jasmine. It's just a flaming rose, Griffin. Yeah, sure. Just an improvised exploding device. I agree with you there. And the rose flaming rose, Griffin. Yeah, sure. Just an improvised exploding device.

I agree with you there. And the rose was involved, yes. Who gets that next date card, though? So Drew goes up to read the group date. And for some reason, like inexplicably, decides to kind of mess with Chris a little bit. And so he like says Chris's name. And then he pauses and then chris is

like awesome i guess i get a single date and they're like nah and he says did you get a boner yeah which i don't like hearing on television i don't like hearing that word basically ever which is a real real shame because there's some members of my immediate family who very much admire the word you've been spending you've been spending a lot of time with those dudes haven't you been spending a lot of time with these boner boys uh so the date involves chris benoit kevin p scott seth mike kyle and drew okay and drew kind of sets the tone and talks about how um all of his exes are blonde blue-eyed and beautiful so he's pretty confident going in that jasmine is is within his range okay great i'm glad to hear it drew i was worried about you hey drew pride comes before a

fall dog and holy shit, you chomp it on this next day. I was very excited about that. Some of the people in the Rosebuddies group have speculated that Drew is Canadian Alex. He certainly looks like him, right? He certainly looks exactly like

him. I think Drew is Alex. I think Alex ran up to Canada and decided that he was going to get wet and wild. Because Drew's also not quite the tallest man, if I remember correctly. Interesting. Well, I mean, my boy Kyle, it kind of throws off the curve a little bit. That's true. This was a great episode for Kyle, by the way.

Everybody we were watching with, because Mike was my fave from episode one. He kind of disappears this episode. And so with the crew we were watching with was all about Kyle. Kyle is now a fan of ours. Kyle is a fan of our podcast, that's right. Which was very exciting.

Very, very flattering. Thank you, Kyle. Thank you, Kyle. Please do not destroy us with your your giant beautiful body we're rooting for you we're pulling for you bud um so they go to a music studio oh boy and all of a sudden i felt my skeleton tends up inside my body like ready to like leap towards the exit uh the music studio is called tough gong uh which is apparently where bob marley recorded uh a lot of his music excellent great and uh taking in some history they're just gonna go

and appreciate where bob marley did his thing do a little studio tour and then leave and leave uh they make a joke about really being able to smell the history, which I enjoy. Oh, that's all right. Okay. Come on now. But then we find out they're going to divide into two groups and both record their own original song for Jasmine. And then my skull like popped out of my head. It's like, oh, oh, I'm just checking. Yep.

It seems like. Why did they make them do this? Why would they make them do this? Well, in a reggae song, no less. That's the thing. It's bad enough to be like, the order of bad things you can ask contestants on a show to do. Number one, at the lowest would be like,

write some stand-up or something like that, spoken word. And then write a poem. Although, apparently, they all fucking excel at that. And then it's like, write a song, any genre, and then do a hip hop song. That was rough, rough stuff. Country song was actually okay. I think they had some fun with that. But to do a reggae song, like these boys were not adequately prepared for this.

No, they were not. And they were given very little guidance i think on how to do this uh because you could tell drew had never listened to a reggae song before that wasn't fucking red red wine drew drew throws a fit basically the entire time they are there um there's two there's two producers there who like work at the studio and they are these um there's two there's two producers there who like work at the studio and they are these like reggae legends and are trying to teach sweet drew not sweet you fuck that guy trying to teach drew like how to do the thing he's like they're just wasting my time you know you can't learn how to do reggae in 10 minutes you don't have to learn how to do reggae

you're not going to be a reggae superstar drew just to play along you'll be in there and you'll put down one verse it'll take you 12 seconds. Calm the fuck down, dog. I mean, you're going to suck at it no matter what. Yes, I agree with you there, but don't be a baby. Yeah, this is when I started to really respect Jasmine because she calls him out, at least to us, the viewer, right away and says that he's kind of high strung, which I think is a nice

way to describe drew it's a very kind spin on drew um yeah i i just love watching shitty white dudes have full-blown meltdowns because they are asked to express themselves artistically and that is that is this this show is such a constant supplier of that. Don't get me wrong, it makes me wildly uncomfortable, but in terms of on the karmic level, sumptuous. And so Jasmine is kind of walking around and talking about the different guys and their reactions to this challenge. Talks about how Chris is kind of walking around and and talking about the different guys and their reactions to this

challenge talks about how chris is kind of an academic uh and then this is when we find out about her deep attraction to seth who is the only gentleman with glasses probably ever to appear on a bachelorette tv show i don't know if that's accurate. Name one other guy with glasses. I mean, gun to my head, I couldn't right now. But I mean, there's just been so many boys. She likes his confident quietness and Trudeau hair. That was the fucking best. His Trudeau hair, are you kidding me?

She's not wrong, but like, holy shit, what a fucking like hysterical accurate hyper canadian like i fucking loved it yeah it was so good uh but and she like she says that he kind of makes her want to come to him which is every every quiet man's dream right like yeah like i am i am giving you mystique because i am not good at talking that is why we do what we do love of the game uh and and so you you can get a sense that something's gonna happen with those two but it doesn't happen yet yeah uh and so drew okay here drew references drake in a way that i was not familiar with and i was counting on you oh yeah babe i'm gonna really this is gonna be real slam dunk he says that he's quote from the six but he's not drake from the six yeah i'm assuming that's a line from a Drake song, but I don't know what it means.

So. Is it like a Canadian zip code? Yeah. According to Urban Dictionary, in all of Drake's songs, he's referring to the city of Toronto by its most common 416 area code. Oh. Okay. I'm not 100, but why wouldn't he call it the 416 why just the six i don't listen to a lot of drake i i i enjoyed what i've heard but i've never um sought it out yeah okay yeah it's just the six okay well anyway at this point drew is like very very stressed out um and he's like his whole body is

tense he's like complaining to everybody that'll listen to him uh he feels like he doesn't know when to come in and who's singing first and and he's just he's a mess these reggae songs by the way are so bad they're really really bad they are literally one minute long and each person sings like four lines when they first i don't know i don't know when i come in it's four lines i was kind of hopeful that this episode would generate a new theme song theme song for us that we could use for canadian rose uh rose buddies but well here's the here's the problem didn't happen the reason right reasons right reasons we need a girl for all four seasons i think is what they say the reason why that jam is such a fucking slam dunk is because it was a

full-blown collabo project by all Soulja Boy. By so many boys. By Des herself. And then Soulja Boy coming up over top, giving us that hook. It wouldn't have been possible without that Soulja Boy spin on it at the end. Chris Harrison even gets a lineup on that track. It's such a good tune. Such a good tune. Yeah.

Yeah, this was not that. This sure wasn't that. The first group is remarkably worse, I would say. So much worse. They are all off key. They are not having fun. But I will say that Benoit sings in French and English, which was fun. Yeah, the Benoit story.

That's all we know about Benoit right now is he knows how to speak French. And like, I get it. You're French-Canadian and that's like that's a big important thing and that's cool. But like, what else you got going, Benji? I don't know. Also, these boys, when they sing, there's a certain like

cadence and rhythm to reggae that they just did not even try to grasp well group two group two group two did a good job group one was just like having fun in the summer time when the sunshine comes down on me what are you doing uh drew does perform uh which i was not sure he was going to i thought maybe he'd storm out but he he says something like you're like a fin but i'm not scared of it i don't remember there was it was a lot of oceanic imagery. The second group is much better.

They have fun. They make jokes. They have some all-stars on this squad, though. Mm-hmm. Who was in this crew? We had Chris the Inventor was in this one, right? Chris was, yeah. He did a very good job, I thought. Chris was. Seth was. Kyle got up on the track in this one right uh chris was yeah he did it he did a very good job i thought chris was seth was

kyle got up on the track in this one crushing it kevin and kevin the the deckhand the diuretic deckhand yeah you know there's a slam that's a slam dunk unit like i would can i sell you something i would buy that album no you wouldn't it's amazing how all the stinkers got put on one team and all the like cool boys got put on the other team and they did a great job uh so this date does get interrupted uh by the next group uh date card presentation and on the next group date we find out it's going to be andrew mckell jp wale and the other Kevin, which means... Basically, every boy but David, the musician. Yeah, David, the musician, will not get a date this week. So we get to the after party for the reggae date.

Oh, the Jazzmen, which was the second group, win the date. And so the other boys have to go home. At the after party, the only thing that i remember is the confrontation which is the word i've chosen to use well so first there's chris so first there's a the two like reggae stars from earlier are performing and chris grabs jasmine for a little dance oh yeah that was fun um and i think everybody's kind of like oh well played chris because there's a lot of respect to the game this season and even in these first two episodes like oh he grabbed her right away i didn't even think about that you gotta i know it's the first season guys but you gotta you gotta get

some skin in this game yeah so they they dance to reggae uh and Jasmine is very excited about Chris's reggae moves. The reggae is performed by the two producers that helped them at the studio. And these dudes are just laughing at these boys like the whole time. Which I don't blame them. Having witnessed. Actually, you know what? If I was these two producers, I'd be like, all right, Jasmine. I see what you guys did in there.

And you put your heart on the line and you did an okay job. Jasmine, I see what you guys did in there. And you put your heart on the line and you did an okay job. So Jasmine, then there's the confrontation of Jasmine and Seth. She basically tells Seth, like, you stand out to me more than all the boys. She really pours her heart out. She's just, like, laying on the, like, compliments and the praise. And Seth does not know how to handle this he seems uh the most surprised by it and goes in for the kiss of of of violent passionate kiss oh and immediately

here okay here's the thing we we call out bad kisses as we see them on this show. It has never happened before where during the kiss, one of the kissies actually leans back and says, not so much tongue. Yeah, and that person is Jasmine. That person is Jasmine because Seth apparently just goes deep in the fucking paint from minute one. Like Jasmine in an after thing thing like vo thing is like

he was like biting my lip and like shooting his tongue into my mouth how's your first kiss sounds like it went pretty bad it reminded me of carly and evan right where it reminded me of the virgins kissing at their wedding for the first time. Well, because that, remember, and it's a very similar thing. Evan leaves that kiss with Carly and is like, this was great. And this time, same thing happens. Seth leaves that kiss with Jasmine and thinks like, we've got some real chemistry. And Jasmine's like, if that's how he's kissing me right now he's not here for the right reasons and it's like wow that must have been one bad kiss yeah if you got all that from it

um yeah it was it was a nightmare they actually get interrupted by uh diuretic deckhand who uh who like is thrown off his game because he saw them so deep in the paint and he thought like wow that must have been a very deep passionate kiss they were both enjoying nah dog you're cool you're like so good dude don't even worry about it yeah jasmine even comments on it she's like oh you're so thrown off uh right now because you can tell kevin is really kind of jealous and uncomfortable yeah um but then they go on to have like a really good convo he's the first person in the the season to ask her questions about stuff, which was nice. And she seemed to be really into it. She does another thing that kind of breaks the fourth wall of the show, where she says,

he asks her what she's looking for, and she says, you know, I'm looking for a best friend, which I admit is kind of cheesy. And I found that really refreshing. was like it is cheesy thanks jasmine thank you jasmine you're right um and then we get another interruption by kyle who does it in a great way where he's just like i was just walking on the beach and i thought i'd uh poke my head in here um but we don't get a lot of time spent with them and then does anything happen i don't think the inventor does anything right except for that dance at the beginning i guess yeah he doesn't seem to grab away um and the one thing i appreciated too was that kevin was frustrated that he got interrupted because he got interrupted right as jasmine was like so what are

you looking for and then then Kyle interrupts. You know, my boy Kyle was around the corner waiting for the opportunity to make a critical strike. And Kevin makes the quote that 10 feet of Kyle walks in, which I liked. That's very good. And so the rose goes to Kevin, which Kevin is very surprised by.

And Seth is very surprised by. Yeah. But yeah, it was nice. I'm rooting for old Kev. Yeah. If you've got a K in your name, you're okay in my book. Before, we called him Kevin of the Sea. That's very good.

But I'm worried now we can't, because they're both Kevins of the sea. Yeah, they're both seamen. Which we find out this episode. We just need one of them to get sent home. That's all we need. Yeah. Let's move on. Next date.

Next date. No Laura Dern outfit on this one, unfortunately. Sorry, gang. This date is on the sand where they do something they call Jamaican beach wrestling. Not probably. It might be a thing. Probably not a thing. It's also like kind of a yucky thing.

Like, hey, you boys just fight. Hey, you know what would be great? You boys just fight now. Yeah, they draw a circle in the sand. And the goal is for one guy to get the other guy out of the circle and that's basically it miraculously nobody hurts anybody else which is kind of impressive i mean no but i mean oh no if it had happened you know they would have shown that shit and they would have put it in teasers for the show for you know

you would see like one of the guys with like a bloody nose, and then they'd edit in somebody like, he's dying, he's dying. Yeah, it is a fairly congenial game of beach wrestling. We learned that JP, the nude waiter, the nude butler, is kind of a ringer because he secretly wrestled in high school

for a long time. Yeah, and did you notice he got nothing for winning this? Yeah, he won. And it was like, thanks. The end of your time here. He doesn't seem to get extra time or like any special treatment. He just won and that was it.

He just won and that was it. Well, I guess he gets, you know, the knowledge that he is physically superior to the other boys on the date. Mikkel loses over and over again. Oh, he had that. And this was the thing. This was like a lot of shirtless Mikel.

And so I was looking for it. Did you see it? Not there. Wasn't there. That's what I'm saying. You blink and you miss this nip. But maybe he took it out because they were going to be wrestling

and you don't want that friction up against your... So that was all we can think. The hunt will continue. Don't get me wrong. This is the start of the grand conspiracy. We're going to get to the bottom of this thing. Griffin texted me about this and I told him I didn't notice, but I said it should be an ongoing segment on Rosebuddies.

There's one shot where they are all laying by the pool where he is the closest boy to the camera and it is like, it is a featured player in that shot um the other thing that comes out of this this wrestle situation is that wale reveals the other kevin's nickname to jasmine which is captain canada why well we're about to find out griffin i must have missed this part uh so while i is calling him captain canada and jasmine like well what's that about and it's because he's like he's he's

had all of these like military like various military jobs and like lived this kind of heroic life um that you know they end up talking about later on their date together uh so the dudes go to this like swimming hole that's called blue hole um and jasmine wants to play spin the bottle truth or dare hey jasmine that's not you kind of mixed him up a little bit but that's fine yeah i mean you couldn't just play regular spin the bottle because it's just one there's just the one bachelorette i mean unless i'm you know if these if these canadian boys just want to start kissing that would be a bold new direction for these dates to go in but go for it uh the one of the dudes asked mikhail if he's had his heart broken and mikhail says that he has had his heart broken twice so that was a very like kind of innocent question to ask right off the top

uh that was also a weird thing for a weirdly earnest thing for one of the dudes to ask another like hey hey bro you ever had your heart broke hey dude you ever smell like some really great lady hair what did it smell like and it's just like i miss i miss danielle tell me about that dude you ever think that you like get in fights because secretly you have a lot of unresolved issues about your childhood. I love these soft boys that we're inventing. Kevin, Captain Canada gets asked if he has cheated before, and he says no, but that he has been cheated on. And this is when he grabs her and pulls her away.

And he talks about his five years in the military uh in which he was he was out on the open sea and he would come into port and he would get jealous of all of his buddies who were like rushing to go talk to their see their see their bows significant others yeah yeah uh and that he is he's ready to to settle down. And then apparently they talk about his family, although we don't get to hear it because the next thing is him asking Jasmine about her family. And she just lays it all out there. Yeah. And I guess this is the first time that she's like talked about that stuff. Yeah. Any of the boys.

So she talks about how her parents split up when she was really young and her mom basically raised her and her sister. Her parents split up when she was really young and her mom basically raised her and her sister. And her dad was fantastic, but wasn't always around and had some issues with addiction and alcoholism and passed away when she was 12. And I think Kevin like really appreciates that she shared that with him and they get they get really close kind of in that moment. And then Jasmine is talking to Mikkel and this is when Jasmine kind of lays it out there that she's like a big fan of Mikkel. Yeah, I am too.

I know I've said some critical things of him this episode, but it's just like, I want to know what's on his tit, I guess is the only thing I want to know about Mikkel. And I'm not against it. I just, I want to put it to bed you know i want to put the i wanted to see the x files um have have you never seen a man with a nipple ring before i'm not on fucking bachelorette

that's for sure i guess it's unprecedented and very very the the opportunities are just so exciting rachel i just need to you know i need to see it and i need to know i don't want to know the story of it she explained her tattoo i wanted him to explain oh that's it uh so on this date uh the other kevin gets the road does that mean both kevins get roses yeah dude we got a kevin sandwich. Yeah. Kevin's sandwich is tasty. It's about as good a sandwich as you can get. Yeah. Which, of course, means that neither of them are going home,

so we still have to come up with fun names for them. I know. Well, I like Diuretic Deckhand. It's a bit mean, though, is the problem. It's kind of a mean name. Well, the other Kevin comes with Captain Canada. All right, Captain Canada works, but let's not. it's kind of a mean name well the other kevin comes with captain canada all right captain canada works but let's not well he well deckhand plays the ukulele so like we can call him first

mate ukulele first mate no no we'll go we'll find it we'll find it let's move on okay uh it's the it's the cocktail party uh we know that two are going home this episode uh we have seen throughout the episode we have seen uh wale have a very fun good time with the other boys and i didn't think about it but jasmine's starting to get suspicious that he's just there to like bro out party yeah and so that's that kind of puts him in jeopardy and they don't seem to have a lot of chemistry either like they just they have good fun chats but they're not really into each other and so we get a little more of that daniel i would say or david is in jeopardy i would say because um only the the only reason is because he's wearing like a fucking miami vice circus ringleader two

sizes too small i like the red he was no because everybody else was like a fucking Miami Vice circus ringleader, two sizes too small. I like the red. No, because everybody else was wearing a black suit, and this dude was obviously peacocking. Like, come on, David. Wear that on funny suit day. But it was obviously black suit day, and you only wore that to peacock.

Boo. I liked the red blazer. I thought it was fun. I thought it was a little too small for him. That was it. If it was more well-tailored for him, I think. I didn. I thought it was a little too small for him. That was it. If it was, you know, if it was more well-tailored for him, I think. I didn't know you were such a...

He's got a beautiful body and I just wanted to show it off. You're such a fashion police. Tim Gunn over here. Well, I also no jacket at all, I think, if memory serves. And like, maybe you're right. Maybe he's not taking this seriously uh and so david does some work and asks about the family and then we learn about jasmine's

um ex-step-sister uh and father who i guess were married or married into her family but but are no longer there. So she doesn't tell the whole Kevin story, but she tells a little more about herself, and so it makes David look like he's more interested in her, which he knew he had to do. It's weird. It was kind of weird how upfront he was about, like,

got some ground to make up, and I'm just going to ask her some questions. He's trying to make good, right? But he's also doing it in a very gamesmanship way. Of like, oh, I need to get back in the ballgame. I need to get more points on the board to make up for my deficit. Like, what? Okay.

And this is when she spends some more time with Mikkel. And they have kind of a really cute interaction. Because he pulls her aside and says that he's very interested in getting to know her. And she says, one of the things she likes about him is that he doesn't know how good looking he is. And,

and he talks about how kind of her just open praise of him kind of rattles him a little bit and and uh how she's really good at opening him up they have a good kiss yeah they they have a kiss and she says it's exactly what she was hoping it would be is she and they like pull back from the kiss and she like gives it one of those which is the opposite of uh get your fucking tongue out of my mouth you see creature but it was nice because you could see him kind of, you know, just assume he's going to have to do all the work to, like, get her attention. And she's like, hey, no, I'm super into it.

And then he's like, whoa. I like Jasmine, man. I like Jasmine. She, like, goes out of her way to make the boys feel comfortable. But she also doesn't take any shit from the boys that give her shit. She is really, she's killing it i feel like she is she's probably the most perceptive bachelorette that i've ever seen and part of me wonders if it comes from the fact she's she's a hairstylist by trade and you think about like those people are used to working with a

client for like 40 minutes having very brief conversations and connecting with everybody like in that time span i feel like she is there's a good theory she is perfect for this show it's incredible uh we also have her speaking of her being very perceptive sits down with seth and he's like yo dog that shit was bad oh and seth just falls apart i he he says oh you know it was awkward you're right i wasn't even listening when you were talking half the time oops it was just the biggest buckle ever he just fell apart uh and at least now he realizes he fucked out like you don't go in for that first sweet kiss and like try to ram jam your your whole gob in her mouth um but then she asked him like have you ever been in love he's like i don't know i think yeah you know what

there was one time and maybe i was i think maybe i was a little bit and she's like oh okay dog yeah she's got a little pen and paper like's like, oh, okay, dog. Yeah. She's got a little pen and paper, like wrote. Like, don't pay attention to this. Don't worry about this. She asked him if he's ever like kissed anybody passionately before. And he's like, oh, maybe not. Okay, bud.

It was just really strange. And so she talks about how he's kind of emotionally disconnected, which is exactly right. And she says that and he's like, oh, which is exactly right and she says that he's like oh i can fix that okay yeah he he's telling us the viewer he's like oh i think she's being too hasty you know i think we should give it some time but i mean you know right like you're not gonna have i don't know i mean what if carly had done that to Evan, right? Yeah, yeah. I mean, there's a harmful stereotype of women that like, oh, women love to fix men. Women are looking for a project of a man, which is like, I mean, it's bullshit,

but it's also another reason I like Jasmine. She was like, a no? Yeah. A no, thank you. And since the rose ceremony and Mikkel, Benoit, Kyle, Andrew, David, Drew, JP, Scott, Mike, and Chris all get roses, which means that Wale and Seth are going home. Seth, like going from like at the beginning of the episode, I'm so excited about this dude to like, bye. like at the beginning of the episode i'm so excited about this dude to like bye uh while i while i also like i was i was not so sad to see him go because he had a uh moment in the cocktail party where he sat down with her and just like talked and talked and talked and talked and talked

but like didn't ask any questions about her or anything like that yeah but he was fun like he he was he was like fun with the guys he was like a real bro's bro he was a bro's bro but there's no there's there's there's not a lot of room for that at the top uh and so seth as he's exiting tells jasmine yeah you know it's fine it's fine we just we never really had any real connection there was just nothing really there between us. And Jasmine's kind of like, cool, dude. Why are you telling me this? Like, it seems really defensive and immature that you're like. Yeah, I mean, it's him trying to be like, this is mutual.

Bye. Yeah, really good call. Good call, Jasmine. I also don't like you. It was dumb. And he tells us, the viewer, that while they were kissing, he was thinking about other things the whole time anyway. So. Cool, dude. Cool, Seth. thanks for being on the show seth yeah catch you at the mintel all uh and then we get a little blooper of uh during the truth or dare game jp getting asked to get naked and he's like yeah it's my job i have no problem getting naked in a very aggressive way it was wale that asked him right while i was like hey take your clothes

hey jp take those nasty shorts off take all take everything off take it all off all the nasty shorts and jp's like yeah no yes of course here comes the here comes here come here come the beef uh that was episode two of season one of the Canadian Bachelorette. It was a lot of fun. I enjoyed it very much. I'm enjoying this very much, and we should stick with it, babe. What do you say? I'm into it.

I'm loving it. I'm pretty deep in it now. I meant to go to the P.O. Box today, and I did not, so I'll have to do that for next week. Oh, there's a giant, immediately behind you, there's a giant pile of packages, and I assume that some of that came from the P. no this is all from last week so there's probably another pile there waiting for you wow that's crazy uh thank you all for sending that stuff and thank you all for listening uh next week's episode will probably be

a little bit off schedule too um because it's my last week in huntington but then i'll be back reunited and it feels so good. Yeah, we might do Saturday again, right? Because don't you get back Saturday? I do, but it may be kind of late, so maybe we should endeavor to do it during the week. Okay. Just not Friday, because Friday's going to be the worst day of my life.

Oh, don't say that. It's not going to be the worst day of my life, don't say that it's not gonna be the worst day of my life but we're shooting it's gonna be guys this is how we've this is how we've scheduled the the tv show shoot i'm very excited about it and the tv show's going amazing and i'm gonna be really really really proud of it um but the very last day we're like shooting all day and then going into a live show and like both of those things are very exhausting and so i'm just gonna like fall off stage and just like fall i may like position a garbage can in the orchestra pit and then as i like bow at the end of the live show just tumble over and land in the garbage can and be dead in there this this actually does this help us understand maybe why chris harrison has stepped back from his duties a little bit at the no because chris harrison's no because

chris harrison's in 21 seconds of every fucking episode there's no excuse um anyway yeah so next week's will be a little bit off we'll just stay in contact with you unless you know what's up but we're gonna stay with bachelorette canada because it's it's too good man it's a treat can i mention on twitter uh when we got contacted by the production team the name of their production team is good human productions, which I just think really emphasizes the difference between American and Canadian. Yeah,

certainly so far, like there's the, the piss kids and the rat bags are kind of few and far between. Right. And it's, it's, it's, it's,

it's refreshing. It's refreshing. And it's kind of like proving my point that like, you don't all have to be fucking Johnny drama. Yeah. It's still a good show. Like not every, it's still a good show. It's still a good show.

Not every single person has to have their own nefarious arc. Yeah. Like, it can still be a good show, dog. Yeah. Anyway, that's it. Thanks for listening. See you next week. Until then, I'm Griffin McElroy.

I'm Rachel McElroy. When you're ready. And so that's our story. That's how it goes. But who will get the final rose? Stay with us on this journey of joy. Spoiler alert! She ends up with Soulja Boy!

Right reasons! Right reasons! Take it big or fall for season!