Wonderful! - Ep. 39: Ultimate Jerk Center

Episode Date: September 30, 2016

Our new Canadian friends are still posted up in Sandals Jamaica, just busting out tight fives of super on-point slapstick and prop comedy. Join us for a dissertation on their craft as we discuss Episode 3 of The Bachelorette Canada! MaxFunDrive ends on March 29, 2024! Support our show now by becoming a member at maximumfun.org/join.

Maybe you should go and do some contemplating. Right reason, right reason. He and Queen Girl were all the right reasons. Right reason, right reason. Queen Girl was all for reason. I'm the Bachelorette and I'm rapping to your poolside. Here to find true love, one man for my heart. Hi, this is Rachel McElroy.

Hi, this is Griffin McElroy. And this is Rose Buddies. Hi, Rose Buddies. Are theroy. And this is Rose Buddies. Hi, Rose Buddies. Are the fans of our show called Rose Buddies and have we discussed this before? I usually refer to them as buddies. I think let's call them the beautiful petals of, the beautiful petals that compose the sweet,

sweet blooming bud of our love, of our love, period. End of thought. What would that acronym be? I don't know, baby. I'm so tired. Please, please. Can you do me a favor? Yes.

Because I'm on week three of making a television show. Can you just do all the jokes this episode? And I'll just sit here and just nod and be like, ha ha, yes. That's a lot of pressure to put on me. Like you say like, yeah, and this boy, he was a real dweeb. And I'll be like, ha ha, yes. I need to come up with some like really nice phrasings

because I feel like part of your appeal on this show is that you have this really precise way of saying things about the contestants. That's true. But I also have a lot of good catchphrases and you could just use those if you want. I guess I could just do the formula is like. Oh, I have a four. I didn't even realize there was a formula to my comedic. Oh, no no there is there is it's like good good adjective boy oh yeah that actually makes sense yeah so just work a few

in there and i'll be like good one babe yeah i love by the way that you do again have both the office and bathroom doors open again give me just a fucking primo view of that john because i gotta say i've been away from that john for 15 days now even longer i've been gone from that john for almost 20 days now and i miss it desperately i don't like to close the bathroom door when nobody's in there because i feel like it's a weird decoy like oh like i would be home alone and i would see a closed bathroom door and still get nervous that somebody was in there i know it's just beckoning to me it's just beckoning to me do you want me to close the office door no because now i now i find it a comfort okay um do you want

to talk about the bachelorette canada yes should we also at this point just say hi bachelorette canada because all of you are listening to our podcast now. Yeah. It's very humbling. Thank you all for supporting our endeavor as we support yours. But if you think we're going to not turn a critical eye onto your television program, you've got another fucking thing coming because we are objective journalists. Or are we subjective? What's the good one, objective or subject? I think objective is the good one we subjective? What's the good one? Objective or subjective?

I think objective is the good one. Yeah, that's the good one. Can I tell you, I was a little disappointed. Remember how I said there was a member of the cast that joined our Facebook group? Yes. He is no longer in the group. I checked today. So I feel like we could.

What happened? I don't know. He probably didn't. Maybe he heard some mean things that I said about his wardrobe in the last episode. I feel like we could mention him i don't know um he probably didn't maybe he heard some mean things that i said about his wardrobe and i feel like we could mention him now that he's not in the group right i mean he probably maybe still listens to the podcast so i don't want to put him on blast but like i may have said some stuff that i regret except i don't i'm just saying it's not you it's the wardrobe just you there are better things you could have worn to showcase your beautiful

beautiful body i think he joined to see what it was all about and then figured it out. Gotta take, gotta take. And then left. Okay, I'm done. I didn't want to call him out when he joined because I didn't want him to get unwanted attention. But then he left. No, good point. Anyway.

Yeah, let's not put him on blast. Let's just move on and just be cool with our superstar fan base. I miss you, David. I miss you. Oh, I thought you were going to say Griffin because I've been gone from you for three weeks. But miss you, David. I miss you. Oh, I thought you were going to say Griffin because I've been gone from you for three weeks. But yeah, David, I also miss you. Baby, come back. Let's get rolling.

I miss you too, Griffin. I miss you so much. I get to come home in two days, though. I know. Tomorrow's going to be a long one, huh? Yeah, you got candle nights. Yep. And I got a TV show.

We have a lot of TV show to make tomorrow and then a live show. So it's kind of a one-two punch of things that make me extremely anxious. But then I'm done. You're not used to the TV lifestyle? Oh, God, no. No. I mean, I know all the cool lingo. But that's about it.

And by cool lingo, I mean two phrases about my bathroom stuff. Yeah, okay. My contribution to the show is I make jokes about good, good adjective boys, and then I go to the bathroom one of two ways, and I let everybody know what those ways are. Let's burn this shit down. It's a lot of insight into our relationship. You're just letting the audience in on.

Absolutely it is. Okay. We are still in Sandals, Jamaica. Wonderful. And now it's just 13 guys. That is not very many boys. No. By the end of this episode

we're down to 11. 11. A cool 11 boys. And at the beginning we have a baker's dozen boys in episode 3. I know. Yeah. Can I say something? Yeah yeah this might be sacrilegious kind of like it i kind of like the pace of this because there's no like i know all the boys at this point which is unlikely episode three i know all of the boys there's well sort of less yeah there's one or two that i know less of but i i think i know all the boys though uh well it helps the two of them have the same name i think that's true and one of them is named

ben law been one's name been moi uh okay so uh noah the host arrives with a date card and i gotta say yeah he's no i know what you're gonna he's no chris harrison well he doesn't have as much time to shine that's that's what i'm saying he gets as much time now as chris harrison also gets now chris harrison had years and years of person-in-person interviews and like like hitting the fucking pavement with these with these dateables and we don't get that with noah it's like i don't know anything about that's true I don't. Does Noah host Canadian Who Wants to Be a Millionaire, which would translate to about who wants to be like $614,000 American dollars there? I don't know.

I don't know. So it's a group date. As this group date is announced, we find out about David's nickname. David is the one who has not yet been on a date. And they call him Dateless Dave. That seems mean. Yeah. I guess they didn't make fun of his jacket, though.

So, like, glass houses and all that. Yeah. So, on the date is Mike, Drew, Thomas, Benoit, JP, and Scott. For real, though, this is... Okay, never mind. I got confused about where we were in the episode. I watched this episode this morning, first thing as soon as I woke up at like 8 a.m.,

so I'm a little bit foggy on the particulars. I'm very glad you took notes. So it is a dance hall date. And bye. There it goes. There goes the skeleton. My skeleton actually jumped out of my mouth and then flushed itself down the toilet, so I couldn't get it back. They all meet on the top of a building, which appears to also kind of be like a basketball court or something.

Okay. And one of the guys says that Jasmine looks, quote, stunning. And one of the guys says that Jasmine looks, quote, stunning. So if you're playing bingo at home, you now have every square checked off. So on this date, I'm going to use a lot of direct quotes. The guys are going to learn to ride the rhythm with the Shady Squad. Excellent. Yes.

I was just about to say, if I was going to guess what all of these dudes were going to do, I was going to say probably ride the rhythm with the Shady Squad. Even from episode one, I was like, some of these boys are going to ride the rhythm with the Shady Squad for sure. So I thought for sure Drew's going to throw a fit. Drew hated the singing date. He hates artistic expression. Drew says multiple times in this episode that he is comfortable, quote, moving his body around.

Let me say this about Drew. He's a ding-a-ling, ding-dong. And I don't even care if he listens to the fucking show. Guess what, Drew? I think you're a ding-a-ling-dong. But fuck, you can move that body, though. Yeah, he's real good. That's the bad thing.

I think he's a real ding-dong. But shit, the way he moves that form. Good Lord. Do you think he incorporates that into his medical sales? I think so. He's like, you want some insulin? I don't know. He's like, the price of the EpiPens going up and down.

I'm doing dancing because we have webcams on, so Rachel can see me. It's entirely for her benefit and not for yours. So the guys learn a little bit of choreography, and then they have to come up with the signature dance move to add on to that choreography and that is so fuck what do you think is more cruel having them learn choreography and try to do it or say hey come up with a signature dance move that really represents what you are all about uh-huh i don't know that i move i move my beautiful body in all kinds of wonderful ways i

think i would be hard pressed to create a signature dance move. It's just so much like so much on the line there. Well, and a lot of them, I will say, draw liberally from existing dance moves. It's not. That's fair. It's not as if they they move in ways that human beings have never seen before. Yeah, sure. yeah sure uh and so we get a few of the guys in varying stages of discomfort um mike alerts us that he is going to make some faces and that he is going to try and be conscious of

that and mike i just want to say thanks for the heads up dog i needed it because that shit was insane. Scott is very stiff is the word they use. He just looks very, very uncomfortable. That's a fair assessment of your style, Scott, my man. Yeah. side and and tells us that he's willing to say that he's willing to agree with anything that jasmine says as part of his technique in in winning her over he's like oh yeah i can say yes i want that too to almost anything right he is not he is not reinventing the villain wheel with like all the shit that he's saying like in fact i think he's like it's pretty rote as far as like bachelor villain shit goes um yeah it's like mustache twirling you know it's like classic reality show like i've got a sinister plot i'm gonna make her

think something that's not true that's like that's like real old school villain. I am wondering when this came out in relation to this Jojo season of bachelor. It was probably filmed either at the same time or before. Right. Cause there was, there were some behaviors exhibited by drew that were like very rod like, and,

and again, like, it's not like he was the first villain either, but like this, like, um, wacky showmanship that went alongside like this broey showmanship that went alongside being like this this obvious villain behavior like felt very i don't know there were nothing nearly as like yeah but it's not like gross it's not like rod

wrote the book on on being a tv show villain there was some shit drew does later on where like he has this entrance when the rest of the boys are hanging out. I know what you're talking about. And like does like a little stunt to like show off and make all the rest of the boys laugh and it felt, I don't know, it felt very I don't know. Rod was also apparently

and let's just like get past this real fast was apparently on the after show for this episode of Bachelorette Canada. No, it's the next one. Bachelorette Canada. No, it's the next one. Bachelorette Canada. He's gonna be- Bachelorette, no! He's gonna be on the next one.

And that's why several Rosebuddies have launched a Twitter campaign. It's like Rosebuddies against Rod, I think is the hashtag. We need to protect the the fucking borders and like contain rod is our fucking problem canada should not have to suffer him did you see the news baby by the way speaking of um protecting our borders uh they just announced there's gonna be a bachelor uh uh, Japan. I heard that.

And it's going to be on Amazon. Fuck. Yeah. I didn't see that. I think, I think so. Cause everyone's been asking us in the group if we're going to cover it. And I think it's going to be on Amazon. Dude, even if we don't cover it, I'm going to watch every second of that. Are you kidding me?

That is going to be my jam. Yeah. Unless they like immediately leave the country. I guess so, but yeah, I don't know. Man, I'm going to be so into that. Anyway, okay, back into it. Okay. Okay.

So the guys, after they've learned the choreography and developed their signature dance move, take it to the streets in their quote yard swag, which involves various hats, gold chains, accessories that have zippers on them. Terrific. And sunglasses for a lot of them. Hey, can I ask you a question?

And I don't want to blow right through it. What do you think your signature dance move is? Ooh. Yeah. And I'll just describe it. I'm watching you and i'll just describe what you do and say whether or not i've seen you do it before and whether or not it's bullshit this is a good question because this is actually something that i got called out on when i was in high school i think oh okay um by my friend's little brother you're still rocking you're still rocking this move i don't think i am i don't think it was ever real but okay but it seems like something i would

do okay so we called it the bewildered monkey oh jesus uh it involved putting like both my hands up and kind of moving back and forth like this oh no baby you definitely still do that so you got basically you're kind of miming it a little bit like you have your hands up like you have a flat wall in front of you and you're just kind of like rocking your shoulders back and my mouth is open that's where the mouth is definitely open yeah that's just to let people know that you're like having a good time dancing i think mine is probably the like where i put my hand on my chest and like push my rib cage out and like pop it. Yeah.

But that one I feel is like as recent. That's since I've known you. Yeah. I mean, I didn't dance before I met you. You taught me how. That's not true. And I know it. You taught me everything I know about dancing.

Actually, that move is definitely a Dance Central move. It is a Dance Central move. And I don't think I played that game before we met. So really. I just I know that you used to dance. Mm hmm. central move it is dance central move and and i don't think i played that game before we met so really i just i know that you used to dance and i'm just curious what you used to do i mean i would just do just sort of a just sort of a get the hands up and like fucking feel the just like let the music just like wash over me but mostly nowadays it's a pushing my chest in popping it out pushing it in popping it out people love that shit people love it um playing the air sax well yeah that's but only to songs

that have saxophone in it thank you thank you miss jepson again can i can i post that picture of you playing the air sax in the rosebuddies group oh at at pete's wedding yeah yeah sure of course okay i think people but that was that wasper, and you can't blame me for that. I think people would really enjoy it. No, it wasn't. That was Run Away With Me. Was it? It was absolutely, yeah, that was the one song we requested for Pete and Eva's wedding.

I thought they didn't play it. I thought we got upset that they didn't actually play Carly Rae. I think they did. Anyway, sorry, this is for absolutely Rachel, but tough shit. So this is when we get to see the guys. The guys all do the choreography it looks terrible and then we see their signature dance moves um mike i wrote down mike was one of my favorites he described it as eating a banana in a quote

rhythmic way yes yes yes yes that was the best holy shit that was so good god i love Mike. I feel like Mike is kind of falling off just a little bit, right? After that first episode, you got the FIP, or the fur, the first impression rose. I was like, for sure. I thought for sure he was going to get it. He's still a force, though. They have a little chat. He's still a force, I guess so. Yeah, his banana eating was fucking fantastic.

Thomas does a dance move that involves his hair as a featured part which is not surprising uh jp does uh some flips that he calls the happy roll uh and ben doit does basically what is twerking uh and jasmine comments that she can see all of his butt sweat that That was rough. Yeah, he did like a lay on his back twerk situation and I could see his butt sweat. But she made it sound like the sentence should have gone, I could see all of his butt sweat,

so of course I'm going to send him home this week because it was kind of gross. But I just saw his butt sweat. How funny. Was it? I don't want to see anybody's butt sweat. Yeah, I don't even to see anybody's butt sweat. Yeah. I don't even think we saw Josh's butt sweat and we saw all of his other

sweat. And we saw all the other sweat that he had in his body. I mean, unless some of his butt sweat kind of splashed up and got on his shirt, which is entirely possible. And then drew does his dance move that he calls the swag boy, which was a decent dance move. It was fucking really good.

Damn it, Drew. Damn it. So then they go to a club that appears to be on the Sandals Resort property called the Rabbit Hole, which is a speakeasy. And this is when the guys start to kind of talk smack about Drew, but they do it in like the politest way. Yeah. Sweet JP tells the camera that Drew is kind of a quote pickup artist. Which is not an inaccurate way of describing it. I would be surprised if he had not studied directly under mystery at some point. I would not be surprised if that was his style.

It's just as far as insults go, it's a very tender insult. Yeah, I suppose so. So Drew talks about his last relationship to Jasmine and says that he was engaged. And then Jasmine asks him how it fell apart and he gives this really vague answer and then just says that you know i i i like to be dominant in a relationship um and then that was kind of all we heard. That's what every potential suitor wants to hear is like, yeah, I was engaged, but it didn't work out because I wasn't dominant enough. Cool, where do I sign for the Drew experience?

But she seems really kind of satisfied that he would talk about that. Yeah. And then the date gets interrupted. We find out that there is a new date card, and it is a one-on-one date with Kevin W. At this point, David has gone five date cards without getting a date. Exactly.

And, like, I didn't process it at first, but that's fucking crazy. That's, like like a lot of date cards to not get a date for he said it was a bachelor franchise first which maybe it's true but jasmine just let him die let him die jasmine i'll talk more about this later but i don't understand why she's like punishing him quite so much you much. She seems very suspicious of him. And I get where it's coming from, but I don't think he... I don't know.

Maybe it's just a vibe that she gets. It just doesn't seem like he really deserves it. No, I mean, it was a dumb goof he did. Yeah. Just let him die. Set him free. So then we go back to the group date uh scott has a really awkward conversation with jasmine shaboy in this combo was a rough one she keeps trying to start things like tell me about your family i heard you're the youngest and he's like yep i am and they giggle and there's

just nothing they've got nothing it does not pop off here um and then um everybody that is not scott is sitting on the couch and they're talking about how much they dislike Chris because Drew is not everyone. Not everybody is talking. Well, Drew is leading the conversation because they're talking about who they think is going to go home next, specifically who they think. And I'm going to try and do a Canadian accent here. They're talking about this one. This won't be offensive. They're talking about Chris and whether or not he is. oat there's a lot of that yeah they're like i love it though do you think

chris is oat next week that was pretty good right that wasn't bad i guess it wasn't too offensive like i genuinely adore those little sweet little eccentricities in their in their dialect i mean this is not like groundbreaking material i'm not i'm not bringing like a new heat this is no i know i just don't want to i don't want to make our canadian listeners feel uncomfortable because there's a sizable amount of canadian rose buddies listeners and like i've kind of loved them having this like uh new new place in the group where they pop in they're like uh actually i'm like oh thank you i'm learning so so much well i think i feel like we need to give them ammunition every week and so the ammunition this week guys is me trying to say out in a canadian voice so there you go guys it's fun uh so anyway so drew tells us again why he

is so different from chris and how the differences bother him a lot i'm sorry there is no there's still no fucking justification for any of this i know it seems this this thing just came out of fucking nowhere it is the most contrived shit ever uh yeah drew's like oh can you imagine like jasmine doesn't want to hear about chemical reactions. Maybe she does, dog. You don't know. I do. I know.

I want to hear that shit. I know. I'll date Chris's ass. No, I won't. Please don't. I won't date Chris's ass. Or any part of him, actually. Okay.

I'll date that big, beautiful science brain. He's a good, good science boy. There it is. it an adjective though it's more of a noun anyway anyway um uh so she talks to mike and mike thanks her for their first conversation where she revealed so much uh and she tells us that she likes how much he knows himself and that she's very attracted to him and there's kissing and hugging um and then mike tells us the viewer he said uh you know i did kiss her and i liked it and i think she liked it too such a sweet boy no i'm a big mike fan so pure if anybody's there for the right reasons is mike i think mike's there for the right reasons, it's Mike. I think Mike's there for the right reasons, though. Dang. I do. But too bad, because the group date rose goes to Drew.

Okay. Yeah. All right. Who's the Canadian Elon Musk, or whatever the fuck his name is, who decided that that one should get slung that way? That's what I want to know. Who's the Canadian woman from Unreal that was like, let's mix it up?

Drew. Yeah, you know, I feel like there's been very little producer intervention, and I still can't really believe that there was in this case. I think Jasmine just really has fallen for it, you know? Maybe. I mean, she's so sharp.

I don't think that's... He talked about his engagement, though. You know how it is. You tell him... Yeah, you know? Maybe. I mean, she's so sharp. I don't think that's... He talked about his engagement, though. You know how it is. You tell him... Yeah, you do get points. You do move the chains when you open up like that. Yeah.

It's just like, I can't... It's the... I'll tell you the truth. I'm still really, really enjoying this, but the, like, Drew-Chris combat shit is either the result of, like, some contrived bullshit or, like, kind of a bad edit

where you don't see the inciting like events that led to this beef happening so like anything with drew i'm just like subset suspect about yeah that's fair it's because it's because american bachelors may be hard no that that yes we're definitely a lot more skeptical now because of that show yeah true though bipip opened me up. Bip made me believe in love again. But everything in the franchise, I'm just like, I don't know. Interesting.

It's interesting. And also, now that I'm a TV professional, I can see behind the lines. You know what I mean? It's all just shot lists and sketches. I was thinking we should call, well, it's probably late to name this segment since this is your last week of filming, but we could call it like Griffin's Hollywood Minute, where you like reveal a little biz talk.

Yeah, Griffin's Showbiz Revealed. Yeah. Showbiz Secrets Revealed. I mean, just because I'm not on the set doesn't mean I've stopped being a showbiz professional. Now I'm showbiz professional for life okay so we can we can we can keep this segment going okay well i mean what do you have for us this week um this week you saw the you saw the boom dropping a shot and i bet you that's that sound engineer probably got a real talking to from the DP.

Okay, that sounds like a thing. Yeah, so just keep an eye out for that boom. You won't see it again because that guy is gone. He was fired from the show. Did you really see a boom this week? Absolutely not. I was only kind of watching. Oh.

It's hard doing it by yourself when it's 8 in the morning and you're not drunk. I mean, two of the three I've been doing for a while now i know no i did i did watch it it was just i i watched it and then you know showbiz magic happened for about 12 hours yeah and then here here we are bob's your uncle uh okay so back to the show yes Yes. This is when Drew celebrates his victory in front of the rest of the boys. He kind of, like, he comes out last. They're, like, all sitting around the pool, and he comes out and has, quote, a cocky walk,

makes a big entrance, like, falls into the pool. He does, like, a backwards, like, cross motion with his arms and, like, just falls backwards into the pool. Because somebody's like, oh, hey, it's the man of the hour. And then he, like, really hams it up. So then he climbs out of the pool and he goes and grabs a bottle of champagne. And he's like, mm, champagne, perfect. And he chugs a bottle of champagne and then sprays it all over the boys.

And he says, mm, I guess that other bottle, the boys were supposed to drink that. Oops. And it was like, if that dude had done that shit, and I was one of the other boys like sitting here watching this guy who just like walked in and was like, what's up? It's me. And then threw himself in the pool and chugged a bottle of champagne and then sprayed us with a bottle of champagne.

I'd be like, dog, what are you doing? What is this? What's this bit, bud? This is kind of a crazy bit you've got going on this wild and crazy guys bit you're doing it's kind of crazy that you're doing that right now yeah it felt really like really performative yes this is a lot of prop comedy you're doing in a row, my man. Like, did you say everybody sit still for three minutes while I do my fucking routine? Dog, that shit was crazy. I kept waiting for him to do the thing where you like wrap your arms around yourself. Wait, let me demonstrate because we're on Skype.

Oh, and do like a kiss. Yeah. And you're like, yes, absolutely. Make it look like you're making out with yourself. And then like he goes behind the bar and does like a fake staircase thing like doing a fucking episode of mork and mindy like yo dog did you just tell everybody to sit still while you did your whole shit because nobody else was doing anything but watching you do this routine it was so whack, my dude. It was crazy. And then he says that he's going to get, quote, lit today.

Okay. Because he's already got a rose. He's got nothing going on. And then he makes a little jab at David and says, hey, David, you should come to my place with Jasmine and serenade us when the show's over. Okay, good. So it was just a lot, a lot at once. Man, mancies. That was actually one moment, and I'm not joking about this. This is Griffin's

Showbiz Secrets Revealed. Like, if I was a producer on this part, and Drew was like, yeah, just start shooting. I've got about five minutes of good material lined up. I'd be like, okay, Drew, have fun with it. I guess that was usable. you did like a pool stunt and then you chugged the bottle of champagne so you can't do that again and then you sprayed it and you told a joke about it and then you did another joke and then uh you pulled everybody's pants down that was kind of

cool i guess and then you did like some kind of ground hump for like 15 minutes. You did a ground hump for a really, really long time. You recreated the wood shop dance from Magic Mike XXL in its entirety. That was pretty wild, I guess. You put a fire extinguisher in your mouth and set it off. That was, I thought you were going to hurt yourself really bad when you did that. And then some really, really sexually accurate balloon animals. You did balloon animals and then you ate a whole jumbo shrimp cocktail by yourself? And it's like, what if we need to do a pickup shot to this later?

You can't keep eating shrimp cocktail and chugging wine. Man, what a fucking goober. Yeah. So it's time for the one-on-one date with kevin uh they're going in a helicopter hello which is exciting there's my old bladed friend do you think when that happened mikhail was like i know you betrayed me my oldest friend the the thing about this too is that so this is captain canada this is the ex-military firefighter, Kevin. And he's actually been in a helicopter before and says the last time he was in a helicopter, he jumped out of one into the ocean.

Jesus. Oh, we need to mention Rhi McHale real quick. We got confirmation from the source. From Jasmine herself. From Jasmine herself, who tweeted at me that, quote, I can confirm said nipple garnish. And I'm like,

Jasmine, that is the funniest and best way to explain that. So yes, it was Mikhail's nipple. Not sure why it's, there's definitely some nipple-based continuity errors with that nipple garnish. But thank you for the confirmation, Jasmine.

Somebody in the Rosebuddies Facebook group got like a real tight picture, and it's just like a little barbell that goes through the nipple, so it looks like... Give me a second. I'm gonna get that JPEG pulled down. I've got a new desktop background.

It looks like he has a human nipple, and then a metal nipple on either side. A cyber nipple. It's got an internet port. It's very subtle it's taste it's tasteful uh so yeah they get in this helicopter and just like start macking yeah uh they're both wearing black converse which is kind of a cute coincidence that was really funny yeah um but oh by the way i need i need new shoes. Because we got matching shoes in Hong Kong. My shit has fallen the fuck apart while I've been here.

Oh, Griffin. It is embarrassing. It is literally clown shoes. They get caught in a storm, and she says she feels safe with him. And then they kiss for a while, and then the sun comes out. and then they kiss for a while and then the sun comes out. And then for a little lunchtime snack, they go to a restaurant

that is called the, quote, Ultimate Jerk Center. Do you notice that? No. They have jerk chicken and the restaurant is called Ultimate Jerk Center. That is an alternate title for the TV show called the ultimate jerk center. That is,

that is an alternate title for the TV show. The bachelorette. I know I, this sent me down a loop because I was thinking they filmed this. Did they know it was funny? Maybe jerk isn't an insult in Canada. And then one of the guys later uses the word jerk. So I know that's not true.

Shit. That's funny. God, I can't believe the guys later uses the word jerk. So I know that's not true. Shit, that's funny. God, I can't believe I missed that. That is amazing. It's pretty good. Why couldn't that have been on a group date with like multiple boys getting like burnt up with that shit? Yeah. Do you like jerk chicken?

I've never been a big fan. Why don't you like it? I don't know. It's just not my favorite kind of spice. The seasonings don't work for you? The seasonings don't really do it for me. I also feel like there's kind of a sweetness in it sometimes. And like, you know, I don't fuck with that.

My sweet lives over here. My savory lives over here. My spicy lives over here. My sour lives over there. Do not mix them shits up. Griffin will not accept pineapple on a pizza. Absolutely not. Some exceptions, obviously like sweet and sour chicken.

Hello, that's a good fusion. But like most of the time, get the pineapple. Cardinal sin,inal sin get that out of here pineapple on a ham go go bone yourself no way huh that's disappointing to me because i actually i like i like the mix honey ham absolutely not no what about like a tacos al pastor that has marinated pork. With like, if there's like a little. Marinated pork and pineapple. If there's, if it's like a little bits of pineapple, I can deal with it. Okay.

But it's, it's, it's not my, it's not ideal for me. Okay. Um, well, I guess that's one thing we don't have in common.

We found it. This is our. There it is. This is the inverse of breakfast at Tiffany's. Is this our first fight this is our first fight i think your chicken isn't very good and see i think it's pretty good i don't even think it's like exquisitely good i'm not willing to really put a flag it seems like it's actually your favorite food right now

um okay so this is the coolest date ever because after they finish eating chicken they go to caves and they like eat dinner in like a little cave grotto um i mean there's bats which isn't great but the caves captain canada did not love no he did not like the bats um he didn't like have to overcome his fear of bats but he did not enjoy the bats i don't get people who go down in the caves and are like are afraid of like ah bats are here and aren't afraid of like a cave in crushing them and getting trapped in the cave because that's my i don't i will never go in another cave probably ever again oh no i'm not it's i don't prefer it if i if somebody asked me to eat jerk chicken in a cave probably ever again. Oh, no? I'm not, I don't prefer it. If somebody asked me to eat jerk chicken in a cave,

I would hit them with my car. Griffin, I like caves. We went in a cenote once, and it was good. I like that. Okay, I guess. But I don't want to go spelunking deep down in a cave. Oh, yeah, no. I saw that movie, The Descent.

You seen that flick? No, I haven't. Where all the women go spelunking and there's a cave in and there's monsters down there? No way, dog. No thanks. No, Missouri has a lot of caves, but the tours of the caves are very safe.

And some of the caves, in fact, have paved floors. So you're not fearful while you're in there. Once on a church trip with a youth group, we went out to our pastor's farm. It was cool. It was a fun trip. But we went down into a cave, but it wasn't like a cave that you go to

as part of like an attraction. It was just like a wild ass cave that was out back behind their farm. We went in there and just turned our flashlights off and just sat there in the dark for like five minutes. It was chill as hell. i like that a lot actually maybe i do like caves thanks baby you've really turned around caves you just got to give them a chance you're right um caves are like the evan of rock formations yeah once you get down deep in them. Well.

This was a fun date. They explored a lot of different sort of sea levels. I thought it was a really cool date. Yeah, you get the sky, you get the ground and when you're on the ground, you eat chicken and then you go below the ground. And then you go underground. And then you eat fourth meal, I guess, because you definitely had dinner with the chicken stuff.

No, the chicken was lunch. Oh, right. Okay. That was nice of her to plan out all of his meals for the day. I know. They had bagels in the helicopter. No, that's not true. What happened next?

I like Captain Canada, by the way. Yeah. I kind of like him. He says that he has a history of being kind of a serial first dater. Yeah. I kind of like him. He says that he has a history of being kind of a serial first dater. Yeah. Who did, I can't remember if it was you or somebody I watched the last episode with who said he looked like somebody. He looks exactly like somebody.

It was not me. I mean, I said he looked like a hockey player, but I didn't identify who. Somebody in the Rosebuddies group speculated, but I can't remember who they identified. There was somebody who thinks, hmm, no, I can't remember pull it i'm not gonna pull it handsome though handsome as a devil uh jasmine says that she's never dated a guy that all the ladies love before um which i thought was kind of sweet it was kind of a mckell of like, I'm not used to being with somebody very attractive. And this is exciting. That's fair.

Yeah. And then Kevin tells the story about his brother. Do you remember this story? Yes. His brother got stabbed. His brother got drafted to be on the Mets. And then he went out to celebrate in their hometown and got stabbed and it was really emotional for kevin because he'd always been compared to his brother and

felt like he wasn't good enough to take over for his brother if anything happened um and then his brother recovered but he couldn't play baseball it's very like a very dark story yeah it's super dark like kind of surprising too right because it happened in canada oh griffin i'm just saying bad stuff happens all over i know it does i'm not i'm not i'm not that naive but just a random stabbing well i don't think it was random oh you think what do you think it was like a yankees fan well no because they said that his brother was out and his friends were like hey look out man you better start running there's somebody like it seemed like it was somebody that knew him and was after him in particular jesus i don't know you're doing a lot you're doing a lot of csi there babe yeah

i should google it oh my gosh let's do some research on that it was a horrifying story and like he was talking about how like he always looked up to his brother and was like really worried that when he got stabbed that like he wasn't going to be son enough like there was there was a there was a lot to unpack there but yeah his brother is his brother is okay um he doesn't play baseball anymore but like at least he's okay that's good yeah uh so he he gets a rose uh from jasmine and then it's time for um the group date and on the group date uh is michael or sorry mikhail kyle andrew kevin p and david and david celebrates and literally says i'm on a date yeah it's a and that's funny because it's like a group date yeah um which oh there was also a moment uh that i don't know that

we talked about where on the first group date announcement, Drew was like, I don't even want to go on a group date. David, do you want to take? Man, if this had been the fucking. I mean, Jubilee pulled that shit and and got like like her game salted by the other women in the house. So, like, I'm surprised that all the dudes were like willing to let that slide the way they did. No, they called him on it.

They call them on it, but they didn't rat him out to, no, they didn't to Jasmine. Well, it doesn't seem like that kind of group, at least not yet. Although there's teasers for the next episode suggesting that maybe man

after episode two, I was so psyched. I was like, Oh, a whole season without rat bags or piss kids. Ooh, the slope though. Ooh,

it's getting out. What's this on the slope is this jelly it's getting a little slippery isn't it the slope is well more more sticky i would say it's it's uh ky jelly oh griffin well you asked me what the jelly was no i didn't uh so chris isn't going on a date this week. Sorry, Chris, which drew is very excited about probably because the date was at a school and they don't let bomb makers.

They don't want explosive saboteurs into like elementary schools. So all these guys are on the date. We get a funny moment where Kyle is sitting in a little kid's chair. Holy shit. kyle my dude they make the comment that maybe he's not actually sitting but he's just in fact in a deep squat you know all these facebook videos of um people like making lasagna for a hamster and they just use like ridiculous and tiny cooking i first of all keep that shit up people making those videos yeah we love those videos yeah we

love those videos but it also seemed like a regular sized person wandered into the set of one of those hamster cooking videos and just like started fucking with their shit because this this seat man i was worried it might go in him somehow like it might still be in him today. I was worried that a prong of this chair was going to get, I don't want to be crude because Kyle's a fan, but there was some worry there. I'm glad you're okay. I'm glad you're okay, Kyle. We are, yeah.

You had a really great date. We would have picked you. Absolutely. This was, Jasmine, you did a great job. This was, this was, Jasmine, you're doing a great job. This was your first foolish choice. So the guys have to make art with little kids and whoever makes the best art

with the kids gets more one-on-one time. And so this is when Kyle has this kind of sweaty glitter dance party with some of the kids. It's really cute. It's very cute. But also, Kyle, my man, not the point of the date. You are not going to win with that attitude.

Eyes on the prize. Make some art. He says, I'm dancing because there's really no difference between dance and art. And it's like, Kyle, there's an explicit difference. She asked for a physical painting. an explicit difference. She asked for her physical painting. Mikkel is nervous, and he has kind of a reaction to the kids that I have

when I'm in a group of kids, which is that he's a little intimidated. Because I feel like kids know if you're not like a particularly interesting or fun person. Sure. And I always worry that I'm going to spend some time with some kids, if you're not like a particularly interesting or fun person, you know? Sure. And I always worry that I'm going to spend some time with some kids and they're going to be like,

you're really boring. Miss Rachel. I mean, my thing, I feel like we have the same impulse in that. I don't, I just don't want to embarrass myself around kids. I don't want to make myself seem like an idiot to the kids.

And that in and of itself is enough to make me like screw up. Cause I'll be like, Oh, I shouldn't treat you like a little kid. Like that's probably not what you want. So I'll just like treat you like an adult. And then I do that and they're like, what the fuck's wrong with you? I know.

That's kind of what Mikkel does. But I mean, the kids still like him. He's just like, he's no Kyle. I don't think there was anybody who had like bad interactions with the kids. No, I don't think so. There was one little girl with the braids, with the pigtails. She had me rolling. Are you talking about Amira?

Amira was fantastic. She was real funny. She was the one that was talking about her concentrate face. Mm-hmm. Yeah, it was really good. That was good stuff. So this is when Jasmine kind of unloads that she's worried david is here to showcase his talents and wishes that he could just be himself and she says all of

this because he tells the kids he's with that he's a musician and that they should incorporate him being a musician into their artwork as as if he's like, yo, Jamaican school kids, download my mixtape, it's fire. And if you know anybody who is like a producer, if you could like hook me up, that would be sick. If you could write out the name of my single in this arting that you're doing. And paper the town with it.

Yeah. So let's see. So then all the guys present the art that they've made um and she's frustrated that david's art has to do with his singing she's like oh here we go again uh which i mean all right i i just i like we've seen people on the show for the wrong reasons. It's a narrative, yeah. David doesn't strike me as that person. But you know, maybe we're not seeing something. I mean, it's just like the dude's narrative thread

at this point. So I think everybody's just kind of leaning, leaning into it. So she picks the other Kevin for the one-on-one part. Like she- The deckhand. She is riding those Kevins every week. She's a huge Kevin fan.

She's upping Kevin Heaven. That wasn't that good. Will you sing the song? Kevin Heaven. There it is. It's the theme song to Kevin Heaven. Kevin Heaven. Which is the new Kevin James TV show. Oh, Griffin,

no. It is. No. No, it's called Kevin Can Wait. That's so good. It really is. It's not so good. That's what the TV show's called. That's so good. Well done, Kevin James. You can really turn a phrase, my man. All dogs go to Kevin.

I mean, that's very good, but it's important for me that you understand there's really a tv show called kevin can wait are you serious yeah babe no and it's it's w-e-i-g-h-t that's a lie that's a lie but it is there is a tv show called kevin can wait it's on cbs wow i had no idea yeah it's real it's real. It's real. It's a real deal. Okay. So then for their one-on-one part, we have another scenario where it's raining and so they can't do whatever it was she had planned. So they just sit on a hotel balcony and they just have a deep chat between the two of them.

and they just have a deep chat between the two of them. And this is when Kevin tells a story about his niece. And this made me uncomfortable. Yeah. Where he's like, he's talking about how he's been on the road a lot and but he's not sure, you know, he wasn't ready to settle down but now he kind of wants to have kids and part of it is because he's been spending so much time with his niece. He's not sure, you know, he wasn't ready to settle down, but now he kind of wants to have kids. And part of it is because he's been spending so much time with his niece.

And then he's like, actually, my niece went with us when we were going to the airport. And his niece, who's four and a half, says, Uncle Kevin, are you going away because you're scared to love? What's kind of a crazy thing for, um, it happen right like that didn't like i i don't know unless that kid are you going away because you're scared of love that's that's a pretty big logical leap you've made there niece unless the kid like watches a lot of dr phil like i can't figure out why that phrasing would ever happen that kind of grossed me out a little bit. Unless everybody in his extended family is a soft boy like Kevin is. Have you noticed this about Kevin? Kevin is kind of my new ASMR trigger. Because everything he says is way down here.

And it's all delivered with this tone of voice. I never noticed that. I can't believe he's a deckhand and not like an NPR VJ. That's what they're called at NPR, right? I know, uh-huh. No, that's for sure. Terry Gross is perhaps the most famous NPR DJ. I mean, Ira Glass is a really good VJ.

This is when I noticed... Okay, so he gets the rose, but i noticed he wears a lot of bracelets who does kevin deckhand yeah he's got like four on one wrist and like three on the other a lot of bracelets didn't notice yeah um so before the cocktail party, Drew kind of instigates this thing with Chris, where he's Chris is talking about how he's going to try and get some time with Jasmine because he didn't get a date this week. And Drew's like, Oh, man, you should, you should ask her about you should ask her about her five year plan. and then he like stage whispers to uh captain canada next to him like yeah she totally hate that like there's no way she can you imagine she wouldn't want to talk about her five-year plan like he'd come in like oh what's your five-year dog what are you saying this isn't even a bit is it he just thinks that a lot of his stuff is just going to be absolute gold. Yeah.

An absolute golden dunk. And Chris, I mean, Chris knows what's going on at this point. He knows that Drew is messing with him. Like his reason for bullying him is so insubstantial that he has to make up fake things that he didn't say and then drag him for the things that he didn't say. Like he has to script lines that he said and then like make fun of those lines as if he said them. It's insane.

Yeah, it's like he watched, before he came, he watched a bunch of 80s movies about, like, villains on ski slopes and, like, just co-opted some of their moves. Yeah. This chair, Justin sits in this chair usually when he records podcasts and it makes a noise sometimes and i get i get so frustrated about the noise and i just because i think like justin like is making the noise on purpose it just made that

noise and now i feel like i should go apologize to my brother it's horrible it's unlistenable do you want me to wait while you do that? I hear it. I do. I hear that noise. I despise the noise. Anyway, sorry. I'm sorry I just subjected you to it, audience. So it's cocktail party time. And Mikkel makes a big move.

Yeah, really swings for the fences. That pretty much made, I have to imagine, everybody in this continent just fall in love with him um first he like pulls her away and then immediately grabs her and kisses her and then reveals this necklace he made for her out of coral um necklace too yeah it's a nice necklace i feel bad that like she couldn't wear it the rest of the night because i'm i'm assuming like the other guys would be like oh that's a nice necklace who gave you that yeah and and they'd like rag on him but yeah i was impressed he's like yeah you know i just like to make things you know and i just saw this when i was thinking about you and

so i just made this necklace and um she's like i'm gonna keep this forever and this is really sweet i want to know i want to know so much more about Mikhail. I'm hoping he gets a solo date soon. Because I want to know how you get into being a helicopter doctor. I want to know what's going on with the nipple stuff. Yeah. He's so interesting. He's a fascinating individual. I want to know it all.

So then Chris tells us that he's hanging on by a thread but that spiders hang on by a thread so he's not worried about it nerd let's get him let's let's cream him uh and this is when chris talks to jasmine about this generic non-profit he started for kids um and that the kids would come and hang out uh and that he designed video games for them to play and it just it sounded like hey i started a non-profit it was in my basement and kids could come be kids and i made them play games i don't know i just like i didn't like it it weirded me out a little bit that That actually sounds exactly like the kind of nonprofit that I would get into. So I have a background in nonprofit, and it seems like everybody's always trying to start their own nonprofit, as if completely reputable and safe organizations like the Boys and Girls Club don't already exist. He's like, oh, I'm going to start my own for kids where they can just be kids.

Kids need a place like that where they can be kids. And then I'll make some video games and then maybe some flowers that light on fire. Me and the kids will make some bombs together. I don't know. It didn't win me over, but Jasmine liked it. Well, that's all that matters. Yeah. And so Chris comes back from his talk, and he's pretty satisfied with how it went.

And then Drew is bummed that he is satisfied. And then there's like a series of steals that happen where it's like JP talking talking to her and then mike interrupts and then scott interrupts mike and then kevin w who already has a rose interrupts scott and this is scandal and guys it happens every season like people need to stop treating this shit like it's the first time anybody's ever done it yeah it's like why would somebody that already has a rose want any time with her so you if you if you if you want to win the game you got to get in the game kyle calls out kevin and is like sure does like big boy makes a thing out of it and kevin is like hey i'm not gonna not talk to her i can get why you'd be upset about it right but? But like, just don't treat it like nobody's ever done this move before, because it

literally happens every season. Well, you're just nervous, and you feel like desperate, you know. And this is when, so it's time for the rose ceremony, and this is when I notice Thomas. Because Thomas has what Griffin McElroy would call

a lot of look. Oh, what was he sporting? God, I really wasn't paying attention to the looks this episode. He was wearing like a black pork pie hat. That's what they're called, right? Like a stovepipe hat, like a top hat? No, no, kind of like a fedora, but flat on top. Kind of like a like a Walter White black hat.

Yeah, pork pie. That's what they're called. He's wearing a hat. He's wearing a gray vest with a black shirt and a gray tie. And he's got his hair down. And he's just standing in that group. The only man

wearing a hat. Maybe they have some sort of arrangement where only one of them can look completely different from the other bros. It was really distracting to me because when I first saw him, I didn't recognize him because of the hat. He had kind of like a Criss Angel quality,

and I was like, who's that guy? And then they kept showing him over and over again, and I was like, oh, that's definitely Thomas with a lot of look. Are we at the rose yeah thomas doesn't have to worry because he gets a rose uh so does andrew i don't know anything about andrew but andrew gets i feel like i don't know andrew i'd like to i'd like to know him uh mike gets a rose kyle mckell chris um David, and Benoit get roses, which means Scott and JP are going home.

Scott, not surprising. They had a really bad convo. Like, so bad that, like, minute 10 of the episode, I was like, okay, that's a series wrap on Scott. Yeah. JP, I get, like, I feel like, I don't know. He didn't really. Yeah, they just.

He really didn't. They didn't spark. They didn't have a connection. Yeah. Yeah. Exactly. And so this is when, after the rose ceremony, they all toast. And they find out their next destination, which is Montreal.

It's like, why are we doing it in this order? I know. You have to imagine they're kind of bummed. Like, oh, we got to go to Jamaica. Oh, cool. So do you think that maybe they could only get the block of rooms at Sandals for this specific weekend? Yeah, like they were going to save it, but it was like this was the weekend that worked. I guarantee you it was something like that.

And that was the end of the episode. Yeah yeah and we get a teaser for next week that uh there's gonna be more issues with chris and drew all right yeah um i still like it it was a very like bachelorette ass episode of bachelorette. But I still like it. I still like most of it. I still like a lot of the boys. I still like Jasmine. I just like the feel of it. I'll be excited for them to get back in Canada because I think the instant jump to Jamaica,

you kind of lose sort of the, like some of the defining Canadian characteristics that I think we'll probably get back to. Yeah, that's fair. Oh, and and yeah we haven't been watching the after show um and we're definitely not going to watch one with rod yeah we're not going to start now certainly um it's definitely disappointing that he is scheduled to be on it but you know i don't think he's going away anytime soon

well it's had a lot of people point out that he's going to be on the fucking uh the ben and lauren yeah happily ever after question mark it's just gonna be it's not even gonna be on abc it's like on there i don't know i think it's like a a deep satellite channel or streaming channel or something like that like we we ain't gonna watch that one for sure. I got my eyes. I got my, well, first of all, it's still early because we have a lot of Bachelorette Canada to watch,

I think, but they just put up all of season one, a Bachelor and season one, a Bachelorette. Yeah, they did. For legal streaming. I'm not sure. I think it's just on abc.com. Well, it's on their app. I know that much. Okay. I'm not sure. I think it's just on abc.com. Um, well,

it's on their app. I know that much. Okay. I would love, cause I haven't seen those seasons. Me either. I would love to dip into that shit. Yeah.

I think that might be a good option for us. I don't know if we want to do like a little palette cleanser in between. Hmm. I wonder what that would be. Well, we have to figure out how many episodes we're committing to. Cause I want to make sure we time it. Is Prince charming any good or whatever?

What's the show called? Finding Prince Charming. Finding Prince Charming. My only stuff I've gotten from it has been following Glenn Weldon from Pop Culture Happy Hour. I think he's the only person who I've seen do hot takes. Yeah. And it doesn't sound like a great TV show.

Yeah, I heard that it's not especially great either. But, I mean, maybe we watch the first episode. Yeah. And don't commit to the whole season. Because I want to see it. I know, I've wanted like an LGBT, like, experience of the Bachelor, Bachelorette. Yeah, me too. So yeah, maybe we should dip into that.

But we are going to stick with Bachelorette Canada for for the time being hope you all are having luck finding the episodes oh hey and if you're a if you're a canadian fan new to our podcast um please consider rating and reviewing us on itunes yeah um we we sure do appreciate that yeah um anything else you want to talk about, babe? I don't think so. I'm excited that you're coming home. Me too. I've liked recording with you remotely. It's been a nice time to just like look at you on a webcam for an hour, but it will be much better to be back in the old saddle.

Well, am I the old saddle in this? I guess so. I'm sorry. It's so late here. No, that's true. Anyway, we'll see you next week for another episode of Rose Buddies to talk about Canadian Bachelorette.

Until then, I'm Griffin McElroy. I'm Rachel McElroy. When you're ready. But who will get Final Rose? Stay with us on this journey of joy. Spoiler alert! She is up with Soulja Boy!