Wonderful! - Ep. 43: Scholars on the Mount

Episode Date: October 27, 2016

The Bachelorette Canada is really getting down to the wire now, as Jasmine tries to whittle the list of boys down to a tight three before hometowns. Who will succumb to the BLOOD SACRIFICE?!?! Nah, we're just playing. Everything turns out pretty okay. MaxFunDrive ends on March 29, 2024! Support our show now by becoming a member at maximumfun.org/join.

Maybe, maybe you should go and do some contemplating. Right reasons, right reasons, being a good girl for all the right reasons. Right reasons, right reasons, being a good girl for all the right reasons. I'm the Bachelorette and I'm rapping to your poolside. Here to find true love, one man for my whole life. Hi, this is Rachel McElroy. Hi, this is Griffin McElroy. And this is Rose Buddies.

It's everything you've ever wanted from a podcast where we talk about The Bachelorette Canada. Just real quick. You wanted that, right? Just checking to make sure. Y'all wanted this, right? We're trying to expand our audience and we looked at what people wanted. A. A.

And that's part of it. Definitely. But it seemed like people wanted to talk about Canadian folks just falling in love and just swap and spit and we thought we would fill that niche

and the show's done the show's done well because right if things don't turn out the way we want them to with this election we're all moving there

right sorry to get political but right if the party we want to win fails to win... Then we'll move right over there. Looks like Lookout Canada.

Hey, Jasmine, can we crash on your couch? I just tried to throw my phone on the couch and I fucking missed. So that's one broken phone. That's fine, I'll buy a Canadian iPhone. They make them even better up there. iPhone has a U in it. Yeah, iPhone. They make them even better up there. iPhone has a U in it. Yeah, iPhone.

We are talking about episode seven of season one, The Maiden Voyage of The Bachelorette Canada, starring your friend Jasmine, my friend and your friend Jasmine. And Noah. And Noah. Noah is in the mix again. Featuring Noah. Feat Noah, who may or may not be corporeal.

No, we find that out this week. I still harbor my doubts. Oh, yeah. Okay. So we're in Morocco, which looks really lovely. And we're just going on some fucking dates, because we've got five boys left, and we need to get this down to a tight three before we start going to their hometowns. Which, do we do three for hometowns? We do not.

We do four for hometowns, three for fucking. Oh. That's a good, no, that's a good rule of thumb. Parents at four, fucking at three. And then what's two? Marriage. And number one's a baby carriage. Speaking of which, congratulations, Travis and Teresa.

Yeah. On their birth of BB. of which, congratulations, Travis and Teresa. Yeah. Birth of BB. A little bit early, but doing good. Just had to beat us to the punch, huh? Had to get like one month of uninterrupted baby celebration. No, we're delighted for them. I hope they got her a Halloween costume. We should probably send something really fast.

Oh, shit. I bet they didn't even think about that. No, probably not. You know what's sad? I bet they had dope-ass Halloween costumes that they are probably not going to need anymore. What if they had a big Halloween party planned? I can't imagine they would have done that to themselves. No, that's a good point.

So, Episode 7 of The Bachelorette Canada had a lot of cruft which i don't think i mean we're in we're in um there's i should come up with a name for it but like the top six top five syndrome where it's just like there's some boys here that just don't need to be here and you're gonna spend 20 minutes dealing with those boys and that's 20 minutes of my life that i can't get yeah that's fair um so but drew and thomas are gone drew and thomas are gone and boy the ratings are just gonna plum the dudes the dudes are all talking about how the vibe is different without drew i think drew did a drag me to hell style curse on the producer of this show when he was sent home, where he was like, y'all ratings will suffer.

I'll be curious to see how that panned out. I mean, people are in at this point, right? Like, nobody ever leaves. I don't know how you unplug from this show. Exactly. Like, oh, well, my favorite bro is gone. I guess I won't watch to see how it ends. Yeah.

I can't imagine ever doing that. You know who my favorite bro on this season is? Fucking Jasmine. And I need to know what ends up happening to her heart. So they're still in Morocco and there's a date card. Noah

comes in with the date card. Okay, so here's what happened and then i'm going to explain what i think happened noah walks in noah hi boys got a date card for you this week how you feeling good okay so here we have so just to recap griffin's very abridged noah is a a specter of some sort. He is some sort of geist. We have never seen him interact with anyone.

No, he walks in and he carries in the note and he's like, here's a date card, see you later. He introduces a topic and they recognize that the topic has been introduced, but there is never any back and forth. But this week he asked them how they were doing. How are you boys doing?

And they responded. And then a camera cut. Good. That camera cut is where my theory lives and dies. Oh, okay. I see. Because Noah walks in, how are you boys doing? Silence.

Of course. Because none of them are mediums. None of them are spirit whisperers. And how are you boys doing? Absolute silence. Cut in, craft services shows up with like a big thing of like, you know, Moroccan cuisine.

And the boys are like, what are we having today? Like, oh, we got tzatziki. And they're like, good! Cut that shit in. After Noah asks how they're doing, all of a sudden we've got a conversation happening between two non-ghouls. But why?

Why would they create that obstacle for themselves? Two non-ghouls is gonna be my Halloween-themed cover band of four non-blondes. It's pretty good what's ghouling on will be our show stuff and also our only song yeah your only song um what was your question you weren't trying to poke holes in my thing were you i well i was just saying why would Why would they create the obstacle for themselves of having to address the Noah question? I think that... Do you think...

Oh, dude. It's because they listen to this fucking show. And they know that I'm on to them. I guess, do you think they have no control over Noah as a spirit? And so they didn't realize he was going to ask the question? It's really hard to say. Yeah. control over noah as a spirit and so they didn't realize he was going to ask the question really hard to say yeah i think i think noah is a dead family member of the executive producer or something so like he's got to be in the show and they let him do whatever he wants but they're like

just don't try to interact with them because there was a there was a scene where he went in for a high five and they tried to make that work but fuck it you tell me how how to do that like a quick camera cut to two hands clapping in the air and oh okay remind me remind me of this conversation when we get to the later moment where noah also plays a heavy role because i have a theory about that now okay it's related to your theory all All right. I have my own theory about that. But anyway, so there seemed to be some sort of interaction between Noah and the boys. We just spent like five minutes talking about it. So I hope you enjoyed that. Yeah.

But I'm still not convinced. So our spirit guide tells us that there will be no roses on dates. And he then leaves a card. Someone leaves a card. Someone leaves a card. Someone leaves a card. And it is a one-on-one. And we have heard from Kevin P. Diarrhea deckhand.

Diarrhetic, I think is what we actually call them. Diarrhetic deckhand. Diarrhetic deckhand sounds better than diarrhea deckhand. Yeah, it does. Kevin P. has been telling us that he is the only one that hasn't received a one-on-one date and that he's very anxious for it. And

so when the card is read, I believe by Mikkel. Very no fuss, no muss. He says, and it's a one-on-one for Kevin W. So a little bit of a must there, I guess, at the end.

Mikkel, my boy, you've got to read it just a little bit faster because you hurt P's feelings. This is Kevin W.'s second one-on-one date. And remember, Kevin W. and Jazz got in a bit of a tussle last week. Yeah, because Kevin W. was throwing kind of a tantrum about not getting the rose. Yeah. I was surprised that Kev got kept, but then, well, I guess not over Drew,

who's a ding-dong, but I was double surprised that Kev got a date on this one. And on this date, it never really pops off or comes up. This is one of the more direct confrontations i've ever i i've seen between a bachelorette and a contestant ever and it didn't seem to like it didn't seem to surface that much in this state yeah i mean they get to kind of the root cause of it but they don't actually ever dress it directly yeah um, yes, obviously Kevin P. is very bummed about this.

He is. And so they are going to go to a traditional home, traditional Berber home. Is that right? I could not pick up the pronunciation for the life of me. That's what it sounded like. I don't know how to spell it or what that means. But they go to a traditional Berber home. A very rural setting.

Yeah, they both wear the traditional clothing, and they meet the family that doesn't speak any English. Right. And so they are first going to milk a cow, and they both have cow experience. You wouldn't know it the way that they were just. Although limited. Limited cow experience.

I have zero cow experience. I have never tried to get up on a cow like this. But I know not to just try to mangle that teat. Jasmine said that she had a cow as a child, but she seems to have lost her touch. Then there's no excuse. There's no excuse. Whereas Kevin goes in there like he is squeezing a tube of toothpaste. Kevin gets in there, and I think he immediately gets furious that he cannot produce any fluid from the animal.

Yeah. And just the more furious he gets, the more— It was uncomfortable to watch. He is just grappling with this thing. He is tugging at this this teat vigorously it's like if he were to do origami the piece of paper would just immediately disintegrate destroyed these this cow was destroyed they had to put this cow down i think after this session because that teat was bruised and mangled and whatever causes the stuff

to happen in there it's a beautiful process of nature, whatever it is. And some tubes probably just got just completely just torn out by this man's angry hands, his angry, confused hands, as he just obliterated this. Okay. Okay. Okay. It's a shame. That family probably needs that milk. Okay. It's a shame. That family probably needs that milk. Yeah.

But they can't get it anymore because the large man got so angry. And he just went wild down there. Yep. And so while all this is happening, which is a challenge for both of them, Jasmine says, I'm just really happy Kevin's with me. Yeah. This is this if i'm gonna mangle a teat yeah who do i want by my side part of the the drinking game of of the bachelor like add it to right reasons and is the perfect place to fall in love and can i steal you away

like one of my new favorite things is just like you you know, I'm just happy so-and-so is here with me. And that phrase can work in literally any day. Like there is no circumstance. This was a bad circumstance. You're in this family's home. There's an impermeable language barrier there. And you are humiliating yourself underneath this beast, beneath this cow. And it's just like, well, this is a really uncomfortable moment for me, but I'm just really glad he's here to just really express himself.

Are you glad? That happens a lot on this date with Kevin, and they must have one of those connections that is not visible. Existent, yeah, I agree. Because I am watching them both mangle this cow, and it doesn't seem to me as if they are a perfect match in this moment. Yeah, dog, like, if that had been mine in your, like, first or second hang sesh, I would have walked away from that being like,

well, maybe not. We went into this weird house, and we went into this stranger's home, and we destroyed their beast. We wouldn't have destroyed it, though. No, I would be good as fuck. I've never touched a cow like that before. I would. It's.

It's that. This. Oh, no, I can't. It's easy as hell. You just can't get angry at the animal for not creating the juice the way that you want it to and then destroy it. Well, I wouldn't say it's easy as hell, Griffin. We don't know. It's easy, Griffin. We don't know. It's easy as fuck.

We don't know. I'll milk a cow tonight. We live in Texas. I could fulfill this bet easily. This is not just empty words. I do think you'd be good at it, though. I think you'd be great at it. Maybe we should watch some YouTube videos after this is over.

Not needed. It's all nature, baby. You put me down there, and the blood of my ancestors kicks in and I just start. Oh, God. Get that milk out. Okay, we have talked. Anything, cow, goat, whatever you want. I'll get that milk out.

I'm Griffin McElroy, animal lactation consultant. I'll get that milk out, guaranteed. Okay. I don't want to talk about this anymore why not can we move on let's get into the root cause of your discomfort um well we're about to have a child and i'm really worried what you're going to do to me no i'm an animal lactation consultant i would never touch him i would never touch a breast it says that on my business card animal lactation consultant. I would never touch a breast. A breast?

Me? Perish the thought. Here's my phone number. If your dog or something, though, is, like, having trouble, I'll be there in a hurry. You don't have to worry. Because, baby, I'm an animal lactation consultant. Okay. There's more to this date.

Should we talk about it? I don't want to because it was boring as fuck. It was, yeah. Okay, so they're going to cook together now, which just seems to be them working dough and then putting it onto a hot surface. Yeah. But they both talk about how they enjoy cooking and they like to cook for other people. Good.

And then they go to a rooftop with wine. And this is where she kind of addresses his temper tantrum last week. She's like, oh, you seem so much happier one-on-one. his temper tantrum last week. She's like, oh, you seem so much happier one-on-one. And they talk about how much they value a relationship as a partnership.

Which at this point, Griffin and I were just like, yeah, duh. Yeah, duh, dude. I think a relationship's like a partnership. Yeah, dude. Are there people that say otherwise? I think of a relationship as like two separate entities i think of a relationship as as one where somebody is clearly in control at all times and somebody submits to their every will it's not they weren't i'm not saying that people can't

be independent in a relationship obviously but they were speaking about it like they were like, they had just read the dictionary definition of what a relationship was. I will say, so it sounds like we're being really harsh here. It's because we like all the other boys a lot more. Well, that's part of it. I also know that when you are excited about somebody, everything you have in common seems like, you know, just this incredible

coincidence and this like beautiful demonstration of fate so maybe they're super into each other and they're like you like to cook i like to cook too oh my god you mean the thing that you have to do sometimes to eat and not die i love that thing to do i will say that when we started dating i don't know that you would describe yourself as someone that liked to cook i literally didn't know how i don't i had i had cooked virtually nothing i think the first like thing i ever cooked were these shrimp tacos that i made to try to impress you yeah and they turned out pretty good although i did get jalapeno oil all over my fingers because i hadn't really grappled with that particular chestnut or it wasn't a chestnut it's a jalapeno and um it was it was that was a bad experience it's a bad bad time um but yeah i didn't know how to cook you know

tell me how to cook blue apron they're not a sponsor yet someday get at me blue apron uh but we cook like all the time now yeah well you well, you were cooking before Blue Apron. A little bit, but not three times a week, you know? Not as much for your friends. Not for my friends. And for my friends tonight, by the way, they weren't here, but Rachel and I ordered ramen and it was very good.

And he picked it up. And I picked it up, which is like cooking. What's next? I'm over this date. Okay, so she does talk to him about whether he's ready to commit, because he's the one that says that he's been on like 100 first dates. That was my favorite Drew Barrymore movie. It was the sequel.

If you watch 50 First Dates two times back to back, it's 100 First Dates. Or if you watch 50 First first dates and we're like, you know what I need? I need 50 more of these. And they just piled it on. The deleted scenes are actually as long as the movie and it's just 50 more. That would be a fun,

if the worst idea of all time, guys listening to this, that would be a fun, just like special episode would just be six, what would it be? 600 first dates. And you just try what would it be? 600 first dates and you just try to watch it 12 times in one day. I can't imagine that movie clocks in at over two hours. Although it goes. I watched that movie in a hotel once and I was like, oh,

it's almost over. No, it had like another hour and a half to go. Yeah. The movie gets dark. The movie has twists and turns because you think like they finally cracked it. No. She doesn't. Guys, she just doesn't remember. Okay, so Kevin assures us, I want what my brother has with his wife. I'm ready to settle down.

Kevin, I don't know your brother or his wife, so you're going to have to explain to me what that means. And she says that when she looks into his eyes, she just feels wanted and desired and safe. And that having this conflict the last time they saw each other gave them an opportunity to overcome it. And they're closer now. And there's an intensity between them. And they could both see themselves falling in love. That's what I think. The unspoken thing here is that intensity.

Because Homeboy's got kind of a Tim Riggins quality to him and i give i feel that that's something that does it for some folks i'm more of a landry man yeah me too or saracen even sir i would settle for saracen i think the thing with kevin and i feel like she said this early on is she said she's not used to being um romanced by the the ladies man like the guy that every woman wants and she feels like kevin's that guy and so i think she feels really excited about his attention okay i'm not i just i'm not that's fine i'm not saying he's a bad dude he's he's a fine dude i don't i don. I don't hate him. I just, there's other boys with more entertaining sort of obvious qualities to me, the television viewer. Yeah. And I would love to talk about those boys.

So while this date is going on, we cut back to the other Kevin, Kevin P. And he is talking about how this date that Kevin W is on seems like a sensitive man's date. Um, and Kevin W is not, does not seem to be a sensitive man. No need to throw shade though. And Kevin P, uh, almost as if we wouldn't believe he was a sensitive man, decides to wear a large scarf and 20 bracelets on this day. This fucking dude, like every week he plunders johnny depp's

closet like a little bit more and a little bit more and a little bit more the scarf game this week like a real big bushy scarf the biggest and bushiest dude look like i said dude look like dr strange while we were watching it dude's just dressed dressed up. Dude's just, the accessory game is a little strong. It's a little overpowering. Yeah. I can't, I can't taste the Kevin in this dish because it's being overpowered by the scarf.

Yeah. But he gets a one-on-one date, which all the dudes are very nice and they celebrate with him. Yeah. Because he is overdue. And so, we go straight from a date with Kevin to another date with Kevin.

That's probably in her contract. Like, I only want to say one name this week. So it's Kevin v. Kevin, and they could not be more different. They really couldn't, except they're both handsome men. With real defined hair choices. They're handsome white men with this very similar, well not similar hair. Kevin W's hair is

really growing out. It's a good look. It's a good, good look. But it really puts into contrast how long this filming process goes. Well, he's turning into a full Thomas at this point. Yeah. He wishes, probably.

Yeah. Thomas had a beautiful mane. Anyway, what's Kevin the other one up to? The other Kevin. They're going to go rock climbing. Okay. And she tells us that she really needs him to open up, that she knows that he's guarded and it's hard for him and he's scared of commitment,

but this is a great opportunity for him to open up. And so they both go rock climbing. Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry. No. Rock climbing. Like, this was the most shoehorned, like, I want him to know that he can be vulnerable with me. And what better way to do that than to climb some rocks up,

get up the rocks and climb them. And it's like, by doing that, like, I'll learn what kind of trustworthy he is maybe well they both have to overcome a very literal obstacle together that doesn't mean fucking anything that doesn't mean anything there's rock climbers out there there's probably people who have summited everest who are philanderers i guarantee you google people who have summited Everest who are philanderers. I guarantee you, Google people who have summited Everest. I bet more than half of them philanderers. No, she's saying that it's a good, like, get-to-know-you activity because they have to do something hard together.

Again, if you and I, this was like our first date, let's climb some rocks. I wouldn't be like, so let me tell you about my dad. I would be like, I'm going to die here. But anyway, they both succeed. They both do very well. Yeah, nobody dies. Neither of them seem particularly afraid or uncomfortable. He has climbed rocks before.

She has done it in a gym. They are both relatively fearless. Um, there is a lot of suggestion of like, uh, you know, he was really helpful and kind of, you know, showing me the way and like she was really brave and just attacked it. There was a lot of... I just knew I could trust him. Yeah. Up there while we were summiting. Mm-hmm. Okay.

Mm-hmm. Okay. So they get to the top of the rock and they smooch again, which is their second smooch as far as we know. Oh, there's dark kisses happening on dark days? There's kisses happening? On Bachelorette After Midnight. Yeah, when the cameras aren't rolling?

There's some BTS smooching? BTS? bts behind the scenes mackin going on oh is this another hollywood corner so much hollywood guys there's so much hollywood fat no joke it has poisoned my mind and i bet there's probably a term for people who do one like entertainment project and then become fucking insufferable about this stuff because like every time they're like sorry guys we had to cancel this date for some weird reason that we're not going to tell you about it's like oh well they probably like something happened at the location and or like somebody backed out or somebody had a problem doing that so now you're going to come up with some like really ham-fisted excuse for more on that later. But like it's completely, yeah, I'm insufferable now. So they're climbing and there's a moment that I wanted to pull out.

Jasmine says, this is such an epic place. Oh, fuck. Why did you pull this out, baby? Put it back. Put it back in the show to die and then kevin p says you're an epic place that was so bad for me because like there's a type of person that says something like that and it's not a you know not it's not an evil trait it's not an inherently bad trait but like the kind of person that does

that it's just not i can't i can't i kind of can't well i will say kevin p doesn't usually try to be funny no he's very quiet he's a very quiet reserved man in fact i have my own noah ghost theory about him although i think it's probably been disproven like there was too much stuff in this episode like somebody was belaying him and i don't know how you simulate that with a specter or a ghoul um um yeah so it's just like it's not like he's like drew who's over and over again trying to be the funny guy in the room no he doesn't usually so it's not like i think that and i appreciate him for that god i appreciate him for that very little shtick with kevin p you know what you're getting uh so after they're finished rock climbing they go to like a little uh plateau where there are a bunch of pillows and wine and

they sit there together and we've been kind of teased that kevin has some family issue that he is nervous about. It's kind of an ongoing theme in this episode. Like, more than any other crop of folks who have made it this far, everybody's really concerned about bringing her home. Except for Mikkel. Mikkel is, like, into it, but everybody else is like, it's a really

serious thing for me. Which, like, yes. That's such a crazy... We never talk about this. Hometowns is fucking that's such a crazy we never talk about this hometowns is fucking that's a crazy thing because you it's one thing to suspend your own disbelief going into this this thing to to like buy into the concept of the show yourself wholesale because if you don't you're done you won't you will not make it far if you do not buy into the concept or at least act like you do really, really well. To do that yourself, I can't imagine how difficult it is

to then bring in your real ass family that birthed you and like hung out with you your whole life and loved you and stuff. Like, and be like, hey guys, so I need you to get to this place right now with me where you pretend that this is all like a normal thing and that I might marry this person

and then they won't be filming us but they'll still be a member of this real ass family that birthed me. Well, also what percentage do you think don't tell their family that they're going on the show? Like I could see if I were going to go on the show, there's a chance you kicked off episode one so maybe you don't even tell your family about it because you're thinking

i'm gonna be there for a week i think i think everybody tells their family because if you got cast on a like and that's what this is there's a casting director if you got cast in like a primetime television show like that's i think that's a weird thing to hide and again like i feel like i also just cast a lot of aspersions about like a very normative family but like i it's just it's just like a it's a it's a big it's a big leap and i don't think you and i have ever like really talked about like that's crazy i wouldn't do that with my family i can't like obviously if you and i if my life was very very different like i can like, hey, so I need you guys to be cast members on this television show for a bit and be cool or else I'll lose the love contest. What?

Well, because, okay, so that's what, so what Griffin's talking about with this season that's different than previous seasons, usually at this point, they've probably already said they're in love, which hasn't happened yet. As far as we know, and as far as we can remember, it has not happened with anybody yet. Yeah. And also, they're more focused on convincing Jasmine that they should be picked than, do

I want to bring Jasmine home? Is she the kind of person I'd like to bring? Which? Is she the kind of person I'd like to bring? You know? Which seems to be the focus of this episode more. And nobody's more concerned about this than Kevin P., who kind of dances around the issue a bit before he kind of comes out and sort of says it.

And I don't want to sit here and try and guess what he meant. Yeah, well, so first he says that he's lived somewhere different every five years. Yeah. And so home for him is a little bit tricky, but his sister lives in Edmonton, so they'd probably go there. And then he says that his mom has been through a lot of battles, and she's not really in his life. That they talk sometimes, but he hasn't seen her in 15 years. Which to his Jasmine responds, like my dad also struggled with addiction and I started to pull away from him

until he died. Um, so like, I guess if she was comfortable, like equating that, like, I guess that's what Kevin was talking about, but they never,

he never like is explicit about it for the reasons i just talked about it like this is a real this is the part of the show where i get kind of uncomfortable because it's like that's a real thing this dude has had in his life his whole life and i i i don't know i feel like it's off limits somehow um yeah i think what what feels the most strange to me as this interaction continues is that it becomes clear that that kevin's not looking to like quote settle down or change his lifestyle he kind of pulls a thomas and is like this is my lifestyle i live somewhere different all the time i'm not looking to change that i just was hoping you'd be on board for kevin this comes out of fucking left field because we've not had a one-on-one with kevin i don't know

anything about kevin except he had really bad dookie problems that one time and he's a quiet man with loud accessories um and now he like rolls up and he's like i want to travel the world and i want to what did he what did he say i want to take a woman somewhere and disappear yo dog is this your confession i want to disappear a woman why do you think i move every five years yeah jesus um they also say some oh man he just says like you know i just got this like hippie you know i'm just like just like a gypsy ish like lifestyle and she, like, you know, I just got this, like, hippie, you know, I'm just like a gypsy-ish, like, lifestyle. And she's like, well, you know, I'm kind of a gypsy, too. And it's like, hey, guys, fucking stop it. Hey, guys, put the kibosh on that, please.

Thank you. And then they do this thing that really bothered me. Every once in a while, I get really kind of annoyed at how people define relationships on the show and so they talk about how neither of them is stable enough and that they're both the person with their head in the clouds and that in a relationship somebody has to be the person holding and somebody has to be held somebody's got their head on the clouds somebody's got their feet on the ground. Which is like, I didn't begrudge this.

I didn't find it annoying because they were looking for the angle for the date and the send home. So Griffin, this leads me to wonder. Which one of us has their head in the clouds and which one's got their feet on the ground? Exactly. Neither of us.

That's like a fucking crazy reduction of what the thing is exactly that's why it bothers me but it's but you're you know you're looking for dialogue and there it is it's right there i guess so it's just like no one person is one thing all the time and there seems to be this weird tautology on the show of just like i am this and you are this and we are always those things because like, like, this normalizes relationships. It's like, yeah, he's a fucking disaster, but I got to take care of him. No.

You don't. You don't. You do not need to. You don't need to do that. Yeah, you don't always have to be the person holding. You know, it's a huge fuck up. But, like, if it wasn't for me, yeah, yes, you're right. Don't.

Yeah, I'm not begrudging Jasmine or Kevin for having this conversation. I just, you know, it just like triggered something in me. Their relationship was never like a thing, right? It never like really popped off in any conceivable way. And so they needed like, they needed an out. They couldn't just be like kevin p just like no you know what i'm not feeling i don't want you with my folks bye you got there needed to be a good 10 minutes of like achingly philosophical dialogue of these two scholars on

the mount um going up and and you know dropping some beatitudes to the masses about um it was it was it was one of those conversations where about five minutes in you realize oh he's going to be sent home and then they keep going another 10 minutes because like dude was like giving her was teeing up the ball with everything he said he he well first he talked about how great the other guys were and which crazy, but I'm pretty good too. Yeah, that they would take care of her. And then he says, as they're talking, is this a fork in the road or the end of the road? And then Jasmine says, yeah, this is the end of the road. Because he says

all these things about how I'm not looking for stability, I'm looking for passion and which is shit i'm not looking to be like some stay-at-home guy i'm looking for passion hey fuck you dog i don't travel as much as i want but that doesn't mean i have a lack of passion yeah no griffin's very passionate passion as obvious as it made evident by the fact that I'm very angry at you right now. So yeah, so I think it was just weird. The one thing I can't figure out is why Kevin went on this show.

I mean, he went on this show. So much of the show is I'm ready to settle down in one place and get married to this person. And I guess both him and thomas thought i'm not ready to settle down but i'm ready to have somebody with me when i live my life exactly the way i've been living it i mean he went on this show because he was watching a canadian television program and an advertisement came on saying we're casting for the bachelorette candidate he said that looks like

fun and he went out and a casting director was like hey he's got a good look hey you don't get and an advertisement came on saying we're casting for The Bachelorette Canada. And he said, that looks like fun. And he went out and the casting director was like, hey, he's got a good look. Hey, you don't get sick to the tummy ever, do you? He's like, no, rock solid down there. You have a lot of scarves, don't you? Yes, I do. Yes, I do. I have plenty of scarves.

He showed up to the audition with like 20 scarves. And he's like, which one do you feel like? And they're like, don't worry about it. You're in. I don't know. Bring a're in i i it's it's i i don't know bring a suitcase and a scarf case yes the longer the show goes on the more i am i used to be kind of like pessimistic about the fact that like oh well there's only like three marriages that have actually come out of this thing um and now that number's gone up a little bit because bachelor in paradise is thrown

off bachelor in paradise is thrown off the fucking curve completely because it is the ideal way for human beings to find their soulmates. But I am blown away at the fact that out of, what, 30 seasons between Bachelor and Bachelorette, that there have been any actually, they're actually married. Sean and Catherine are married. They have a baby. They have a baby. They have a fucking baby. That's fucking that's fucking

crazy. Well, think about it. There are people in the world that get married after a few months. Like, it happens all the time. Sure. I mean, it's gotta be the exception, but it happens. It's just, it's wild to me.

I know. It's wild to me. Because now, and I think it's just the way I watch this show now, and then I'm, like, thinking about what it's like to actually make this show. And I think I was like this before we did the MBM show, in that, like, I was always trying to, to like see the producer's hand on the thing. And that sort of gave me this vision of this show as like a produced thing where the people on it are characters with arcs like that.

Shit's gospel. And, and I, I knew that, like, I, I feel like I've always done that the whole time I watch the show and I don't write it off.

It's the same reason I like professional wrestling. Like I like looking for that shit. And when it's well done it is beautiful but what is insane in my mind is that people have participated in these arcs and been characters on this show and then they got fucking married and made new human beings together yeah that's that's crazy to me yeah well. Well, so. And I'm not saying it's not legit. I'm not saying it's all an act. By all accounts, like, you know, Sean and Kevin are super, super cute together.

What's her name? Trista and. Ryan. Ryan. I've been married for a long time now. Obviously, like, it works. It's just like, it's just a, it's a wild, wild, wild origin story. I think part of what you're saying, I might be wrong about this, but they get turned into characters. And the fact that they can still find love and relationships under that lens is unique, right?

Yes, they're characters. And the dates that they go on are scenes that have to have drama because every single one has like, listen to the music stingers. If that's the only way you sort of ingest this, listen to the music stingers. There's always a scene on every single date where it's like, I don't know about

this. But that's not necessarily their experience while they're filming the show. That's our experience as the viewer. That's fair. Yeah, that's fair. And also, I think the more you know yourself, the less likely they're able to manipulate you into a character that is totally different than your actual person. That's also fair. I'm just saying, like, my position has reversed, because now I see it like a television-ass television show, and I still have that, like, suspension of disbelief, because every season we talk about, I'm like, oh cute together oh i hope they get married but in my mind i think like

well it's still a television show but then people do get married like it flips back on itself like three times yeah i think that's why i like this show so much is because there's like suspensions of disbelief followed by like acceptance that that is bullshit followed by no there's real life evidence that it's a real ass thing and if that's the case i'm like what's what is real what is not damn it bachelor you got me again i know there's a lot to talk about that's why we've done so many episodes of this podcast yeah hey i'm gonna get a water real quick i'm very thirsty we can keep talking if you want. No. I'm listening. I'm just sitting here in the bathroom. I'm going to drink bathroom water. I know we get that crisp stuff from the refrigerator, but the bathroom is so much closer.

It's from the sink. It's not from the toilet. Are you going to leave this in the recording? Probably not. Okay. So Kevin P. gets eliminated, and the dudes are at home chilling on the couch and Kevin W sidles up and says, KP's gone. KP's leaving.

The guy came and took KP's stuff. And the guys look up and they're like, that's his ukulele. He would never let somebody touch his uke. We should also mention Kevin P takes it like a champ. Yeah. He knows. Again, yeah, he was sort of teeing it up. So he knew what the situation was.

He knew that they wanted different things. It became clear when they finally had a one-on-one date, he was ready to go. They didn't want different things. They wanted the same thing because they're both gypsies. What? You're wicked not gypsies. I promise. Yeah. that's the other thing so jasmine there may be a lot we don't know about jasmine but she alludes to this kind of wild head in the

clouds lifestyle that she has lived um and we don't know what it is but there's this suggestion of like uh she really needs somebody stable and needs some stability. I kind of like this aspect of her character, because, like, we almost never get any character development for The Bachelor or Bachelorette. They're just sort of this vehicle for the show to ride on. But she at least has this element of, like, do I want to be this freewheeling Bob Dylan? Or, you know, is it time for me to settle down? I may be projecting a little bit. I want to know more, though, about this freewheeling Bob Dylan.

That's a good album. Like, what did she do or what were her past few years like that made them so freewheeling? I don't know, but she's got the tattoo of the word explore on her hand. And you don't get something tattooed on your fucking hand unless you mean it. Because you use that thing all the time. Yeah. You hide it on a, you know. I think it's on her wrist, actually.

You hide it on a thigh. I don't think it's on her hand. And nobody needs to know. But on a hand, that's a defining character. Well, to be fair fair the word explore on your thigh has kind of a different different tone arrow pointing to the knee to the knee perverts uh so now we are at the moment that i wanted to get to earlier where noah sits down with jasmine to have a conversation i was was getting up to throw some

stuff away, and Rachel was like, Griffin! It's happening! Because this is exciting not only for The Bachelorette Canada, this is exciting for the whole global franchise. Because when was the last fucking time that the host sat down and got some

FaceTime on the camera? Now, admittedly, my boy Noah got about 45 seconds, and he got about three sentences in there. Yeah. But that's more. That's a step in the right direction. So here's my theory. Okay. Because they actually engage in conversation.

I mean, I've talked about the fact that I think she's the spirit medium the whole time, and she's the only one that can. I have a different theory. Oh, shit. It will not surprise you. Oh, my God. I have a different theory. Oh, shit. It will not surprise you.

Oh, my God. Noah is the owl to Jasmine Sam. Holy shit! He is a hologram that only she can see and hear. Accompany her on this journey. As she strives to put right what once was wrong. Okay, but what was that? That's the only question. I don't want to poke holes in this.

I want to let... It needs to percolate. This originally worked out so that she chose Drew. Oh my God. Well, then they would have... Here's the thing. They would have left already. Al wouldn't be there anymore.

We wouldn't be seeing Noah. That's fair. If it was to get rid of Drew, she got rid of Drew. Her mission, Ziggy still left her here. Him here. Because it is. Well, maybe she's like, why haven't I leaped yet? I sent Drew home.

And turns out she has to do a little favor for Noah. What's that? I don't know. Help Noah meet his husband in the future no we're that's too far okay so i'm into this because i'm into that because now i can watch the show new second theory suspended in my mind and that is that there's a little scott bacula inside of there a little scott bacula inside of jasmine why aren't we seeing Scott Bakula? Because in Quantum Leap, we see Scott Bakula, not the skin costume. Well, no, Jasmine is the leaper.

The guys aren't seeing Jasmine. So it's not Quantum Leap cast. It is not Sam and Al. It is a different leaper. Not evil leaper, right, from the sixth season. It's just a different leaper. No, Jasmine is the leaper. And so we see Jasmine.

I don't know what the boys are seeing. Is it a different project? What was the name of the project, the Salmon Owl? Oh, no. Oh, fuck, baby. I mean, Quantum Leap was the name of the project. I feel like, okay. Then who's, what's the story here?

Is it, because it seemed like after that project, they wouldn't do another project because it ended kind of bad for the person who used the project. I'm not trying to make this part a canon, Griffin. Then why did you bring it up if you didn't want to do some storytelling hour with me? That is a level that I don't think I can reach. Okay. Where I build it into the entire arc.

What does Jasmine actually look like? If we're seeing Jasmine the Leaper. I don't know. We need to see her in front of a mirror, don't we? No, that's bullshit. Because we see like, that's definitely over the shoulder mirror look is like definitely has happened here. Yeah.

Hmm. I feel like, I'm sorry, babe. I was falling apart. I feel like that might take it apart. Okay. Well, then he's a ghost. Because Quantum Leap, I mean, Donald Bellisario invented that patented look in the mirror, but see a different face technology.

I know. Nobody knows how it worked. I know. Okay, so you're right. He's a ghost. She's a medium. Maybe she's a leaper and he's a ghost. We could do one.

Anyway, they sit down and the conversation is literally like, I just don't know. And he's like, I think you do know. And he's like, I think you do know. And she's like, you're right, I do know. And he says, that's good. And that's it. And that's the end. And so that's their chat.

I just realized that then the next scene, we just wasted so much time talking about theories. Because the next scene, I think, takes the legs out of both of our theories yeah so it's group date time and on the group date it is mike it is mikhail and it is benoit and they are going to go to a street market in marrakesh and they're all standing around and noah arrives and walks up towards them and he their, he grabs two of the boys by the shoulder. Yes. And that's it, right? That's the ballgame. Yeah, because Mike actually flinches.

Mike flinches and makes a punching fist, and it is the fucking funniest thing. I actually rewinded so we could watch it again. Do you think that was like? I think it was staged, but it was still very, very funny. But I mean, like, he touched the boys and they responded that's it unless they felt like a chill like a cool breeze yeah yeah i don't know i think he might have skin damn it damn it i just enjoyed that so much me. I like injecting a little bit of crypto, cryptozoology into this. Cause like it gives you another heat to like pay attention to.

Yeah. Cause sometimes there's episodes that don't have a lot of heat. We should next season. We should see if Chris Harrison is maybe riding that ghost train too. No, Chris Harrison. I feel like cause, cause Chris Harrison had so many seasons there where, well well maybe he died five years ago shit shit i don't know i hope not i mean

he does host who wants to be a millionaire though so i don't know how that works that would be a big con because that's a live studio audience well so is after the final rose so unless every single unless they only invite spirit mediums. Oh, man. So I guess Noah will host Men Tell All. That'll be interesting to watch. That will be interesting to watch. Okay.

So we find out, and this is where Griffin's Hollywood insight came into play. Noah says, hey, we're all standing in this market, but you should know that the super fun date is actually going to be canceled because jasmine has been having a lot of questions about hometowns and she wants to have an opportunity for you all to ask questions and for her to ask questions so we're going to cancel the original date and and go on to a different location right my my only hollywood insight here is that something got fucked up. Because this date was wild.

They canceled it. They went back to a pool in the middle of a hotel. What am I thinking of? Like an open air space between the buildings. Where there was just a little... An atrium? I guess so, yeah. With a little stone pool.

A little stone swimming pool. Jasmine was wearing a bikini with a little... What's the word I'm looking for? A robe. A little cover-up. A little cover-up over the bikini. And it was kind of weird the whole time. Well, because the dudes are wearing shorts and t-shirts,

and she's, like, barely clothed, and they're having serious conversations about their families. And it's never addressed. Nobody gets in that pool. Nobody, well, okay, in the credits, we watch two of the boys submerge their now-ruined testicles into this apparent ice bath. But it's not addressed. It's not like she wants to bring you back to the hotel for a little swimming party even that would have been

even that would have been a start but instead it was just like she's gonna wear this bikini the other boys are just gonna wear the clothes they were wearing and then they're gonna have these serious conversations and then at the end two of the boys were wearing swimming trunks the other boy wasn't and she was wearing a bikini still none of them got in the pool well we find out in the credits the water is very very cold okay i guess it's still like the whole thing is fucked up like there's no reason why they would cancel the yeah like why don't they put her in like in like shorts and a t-shirt the only thing i could think is that like the person who got

drew's drag me to hell style curse was seriously freaked out about it was like we got to get her in a bikini and and and just hope for the best we want to keep these ratings up it was really it was like i'm not that wasn't just me, right? Like, it was confusing. It was weird, because you kept waiting for the moment where they all got in the water together, like a hot tub date. But nobody ever gets in. But I wasn't even waiting for that moment at first, because they were dressed in street clothes, and she was wearing, like, a bikini, and she was, like, the whole date. And I'm not trying to, I'm not trying to shame her or whatever. I'm saying, like, from a narrative perspective, I was having trouble following the plot of this date.

Yeah. It was weird, man. It was weird. I think they were trying to pivot. It felt like a cocktail party because she kept pulling them aside one by one and having conversations with them. And it just felt like the tea ceremony tea ceremony too where they're just all waiting to have that conversation so nobody's like splish splashing around but the tea ceremonies are completely different because the tea ceremony is like they still went to the place got the tea

drank the tea and that was the date what was the date like the date got canceled okay so now we're just still gonna have a date but it's just gonna be like we all sit around a pool and I'm the only one wearing a bathing suit. Yeah. Okay. Anyway, they all have these deep combos. Yeah, they do. She talks to Benoit for a little bit and he kind of confronts her about some conversation they had where he praised her sparkle and she didn't react. Sparkle. And she didn't react. And then they realized it was like a translation issue, because what he was trying to express was, you know, that he felt like she was really excited

about him and liked seeing that. And he just didn't get that across. And then Mike interrupts. And they sit down and they talk about Winnipeg. This interruption, by the way, is like Mike literally just walks in the room and it's like i'm so sorry the interruptions in this i know that's like a probably a mean um stereotype of canadian people uh or perhaps a diminutive stereotype but it the interruptions are so sweet they're so kind at this point, except for drunk cowboy, you remember drunk cowboy from episode one? Yeah. Who's like,

it's my turn. Get out of here. Where'd you come from? Get the fuck out of here. What are you talking about with that? I'm going to fight you. What? Where are you from?

Arkansas? Yeah, get the, yeah, I thought so. Get the fuck out of here. Um, so,

this is Jasmine being a gypsy again and saying that she doesn't want to go back to Winnipeg long term. And Mike kind of gets to the root and says, well, but do you like me and see a future with me? And she's like, oh, yeah, of course. Of course. I like how stable you are okay mike's gotta be feeling bad at this point right which like i can't imagine when you first are excited about somebody feeling like the hottest thing you could say to them

is oh man you're like bread you You're so stable. I love it. Can't knock you down with a stiff breeze. I mean, Mike. Mike's got a lot going for him, despite the fact. Mike's got so much going for him beyond the fact that he doesn't travel often, which is literally all they're all saying. He's so stable. What does that mean? He hasn't been to Thailand.

Okay, fuck off. What? Who cares? He's so stable what does that mean he hasn't been to thailand okay fuck off what who cares he's so stable boring what i mean said stable what did i mike's a funny funny boy he's got an 11 pack fuck off handsome man yeah funny boy sometimes i wonder if there's just and we don't know enough about winnipeg to know how revealing that is as a character trait, that he's lived in Winnipeg the whole time. Yeah, I guess. But yeah, so she says that, yeah, she likes him a lot. And she feels bad that she's been kind of so obsessed with this Winnipeg part. And then she talks to Mikkel.

And Mikkel is willing to move wherever and do whatever it takes. He talks about how he likes his job, but it's just a job. And he'll figure it out on his end if she'll figure it out on her end. Basically making it seem like, you know, hey, I'll do whatever. Like, I'm excited about you. There's helicopters everywhere. I can find a job. That's probably not true.

And then Benoit kind of returns to her because they didn't really get a chance to talk more. And he's really worried about introducing Jasmine to his family and asks her what kind of, what type of guy she's looking for. And he says, or, and she says, I think this is really good. She's like, you know, I'm not looking for a type. I'm looking for a connection or somebody I see a future with.

Like there's not like one type that I'm looking for, which I thought was a nice way to respond to that. People always talk about what their type is, and I've never found a way to answer that question. And I feel like... It's a stupid question. Yeah, because it's not like I have a type. Yeah. And this whole time, Benoit has kind of like a frog voice going on.

And I didn't really know. It reminded me of, you know, in Pee-Wee's Big Adventure. Yes. When Pee-Wee gets to be in the movie about his life, but he has to play the bellhop. Mr. Herman. Yeah. P.J. Mr. Herman.

You have a telephone call at the front desk. They like dub over his voice with this like robotic that's what Benoit sounds like. It's probably kind of dusty there. Probably got a little raspy. Yeah. Are you mad at him? I'm just distracted by it. Paging Mr. Herbert. It's a really good

impression, by the way. You have a telephone call at the front desk. So after this date is over, in which none of them swim... But two of the boys, I think Mike and Mikhail... Mike and Mikhail,

they cut back to them and they're both sitting there in their swim trunks. Not wet. Yeah. Infuriating. Get those boys wet. And I was surprised,

and I don't want to make too big a deal out of this because it's not like I was having unsavory thoughts. But Mikkel is a lot more... He's a thick boy. A lot more muscular than I realized. Thick, thick boy.

Let's talk about something else, because I'm uncomfortable with the energy now. So, after the date, they all get dressed for the evening. And this was no surprise to me, but Noah comes in and says there's no cocktail party. Which, like, she spent a lot of time with these guys. She basically has done a cocktail party the entire episode. Like, she doesn't need that party. So they're going straight to the rose ceremony. I will point out, a lot of people in the Facebook group have been talking about Mikkel's capris. I're seeing a lot of capris this season, which is unusual to see on a man.

Okay. First of all, they can wear whatever they want. I know. Let them express themselves. I know. It's just unusual to see. Second of all, they were in Jamaica, and then they were in they were in morocco they need to expose their their ankles does that really cool you off significantly yes are you kidding look how am i wearing these i'm wearing some me undies sleep pants how do i got them right now they're like rolled up to the knee i gots to do that i thought that was for my benefit so you can see these beautiful luscious

calves yeah of course i'm seducing you but i'm also like trying to stay dry they were they've been they've been been in very temperate to tropical climates, and they just need to get those ankles out. Get the ankles out. You know more about fashion than I do. And I know about

men's calves and their humidity regulation. Okay. So no surprise, Mikkel gets a rose, Kevin gets a rose, and then it's down to Mike or Benoit. Duh. And I was, I mean. No, don't. There was a chance.

Don't shoot them this. No, there wasn't. Okay, so Mike gets the rose, which means Benoit goes home. And Benoit says some really nice things. He's like, oh, you know, the three guys left are all beauties. They'll take good care of you. You're such a nice person, and I feel so lucky. It was the week of graceful exits.

Yes. And that was it. And the next episode, did we even watch the commercial for the next? We did. Oh, yeah. Because we got a little teaser of the fams. Yeah. It appears like Kevin's family is skeptical.

Kevin's family doesn't seem to be as into it. And then Mikkel's family seems worried that maybe Jasmine isn't as into him. I don't remember seeing anything of Mike's family, though. Right. Anyway, that'll be next week. And then I guess I guess i i forget what our estimate was last time we talked about this but because we're going to hometowns with three and we'll be down to final two we may have and i don't know if they do a men tell all

and they do remember because does it take the place as the regular episode remember bachelor at canada contacted us are we sure that's what that was for? Yeah, they called it Men Tell All. What did they say? I guess I didn't see the message. They sent me the Twitter message asking if we had any questions for Men Tell All. Oh, okay. Which makes

me think that it would be a thing. It's very exciting. Bachelorette Canada, thank you for thinking of us. I'll be curious to see how that works. So if that takes the place of a regular episode, we have three episodes left, which may time out with our new human being quite well. I wonder how Bachelorette Canada handles fantasy suites. That will be interesting to see.

They do them, right? When are they going to be in love? When are they going to tell each other they're in love? Hometowns? That happens sometimes. Maybe, but I mean, it used to be the norm.

They better say they're in love before they make love. Is that important to you? It's very important to me. Jesus. I didn't know you were so puritanical. Yeah, that's not true at all. What if they're just trying to make whoopee?

You ain't got to be in love to make whoopee babe noah hands them a card that's like should you choose to forgo your individual rooms you may join each other in the whoopee suite it's peanut butter jelly time let's do this thing he says in person to them he comes to the table this is the only corporeal interaction he has it's peanut butter jelly time he says over and over and over again he does the whole song and that's when they know mikhail's like i think it's time to bone she's like yes it is thank you noah for the mood music i would like to say that i am very excited that somebody that is not white

is making it to hometowns. This is the first all, I mean, I mean, I don't think it's going to be any different from other hometowns, but it is. It's just nice to see. It's the furthest a person of color has ever gotten in a season

that we've watched, right? Like, I can't think, unless we are forgetting something, I've only been watching since Ben Flajananic um and so maybe there was something before that but like it's just it is it is so good i don't know if it's happened on the bachelor canada before but it has not happened or the okay we should also talk about a lot of people have sent us the two contestants from The Bachelor Australia. Yeah.

Two women who are now in a relationship. And that is super duper cool. We did not. I've not watched it. We have not watched the season. But I think it's fucking amazing. And so, so, so great. Yeah. It was two contestants went on the show.

Ended up forming a friendship that turned into a loving relationship. Which is really, really cool. Which is super cool. Yeah. So, like, i don't know i'm kind of curious like because we've watched so much of this franchise now i would kind of like to watch that relationship start up on the show and i don't know i don't know it depends how early they got eliminated yeah that's a very very good point um but yeah that's a really cool thing a lot of

people but a lot of people like sent that to us looking for our heart hot take and it is literally just like that's really really sweet and great i don't know anything about it i don't know those people we've not watched this is the first international bachelor bachelorette product we have we have watched um so yeah thank you all for sending that in oh and a big thanks uh we have a p.o box p. P.O. Box 66639 Austin, Texas 78766. I want to thank Ann Sandoval for sending us a copy of

Now That's What I Call Music, Volume 3 with Smash Mouth, Lenny Kravitz, Blink-182, Enrique Iglesias, the whole squad. And then I also want to thank Rissy Vreggreg or Vroog for sending us just a copy of

Now That's What I Call Music Volume 3 I know there is no way to coordinate it it's a very very sweet gift I'm going to put one in my car one in the home stereo so I'm never ever separated

from the Rockefeller skank from Tell Me It's Real from Nookie from Out of My Head Leonardo My Leonardo She Likes Me for Me, Hey Leonardo is the name of that song, my apologies to Blessed Union.

Anyway, thank you two very much. And thank you to everybody who sent stuff to the P.O. Box. We get a lot of stuff, and it's really touching. We've gotten so much stuff for our baby, and we really appreciate all of it. Is that it? That is it. Is that it? That is it. Oh, I also want to thank just the people that through

mysterious means are able to find versions of this show that we can watch and share that with us. I don't know how they do it. I'm not going to call them out. I'm not going to call them out. I appreciate it. I just want to thank them. And I I'm not going to call them out. I'm not going to call them out. I appreciate it. I just want to thank them.

And I do also just want to say, $2.99. iTunes Store. I would pay, I promise. Is that it? That is it. Thank you everybody for listening. Have a very spooky and safe Halloween. I don't know why I included that old PSA. But I'm Griffin McElroy. I'm Rachel McElroy.

When you're ready. Spoiler alert! But I'm Griffin McElroy. I'm Rachel McElroy. When you're ready.