Wonderful! - Episode 2: Hydrate the Hustle

Episode Date: January 23, 2016

Rachel and Griffin dive into Ben's sophomore performance, and do their very best to discredit Dr. Love, who is a psychopath. Also: The origins of CA.ILA-001, a bio-organism that will consume us all. MaxFunDrive ends on March 29, 2024! Support our show now by becoming a member at maximumfun.org/join.

Maybe you should go and do some contemplating. Right reason, right reason, here for your world. Right reason, right reason, right reason, here for your world. I'm the bachelorette and I'm rapping to your poolside. Where's my wine? I found it. Hi, this is Rachel McElroy. Hi, this is Griffin McElroy.

Ooh, it's fresh, isn't it? This is Rosebuddies. This is Rosebuddies. We stumbled on a name at the end of the last one, and it stuck, and it's a YouTube hit, YouTube Spanish success. Why did I say YouTube? This show's not on YouTube. Should we start over?

No, I think we've got to maintain this energy. I'm in midair already. I've gone off the ramp, and I can't turn back now. I'm in midair, off the ramp. Welcome back to Rosebuddies. This one's going right off the ramp, right off the cuff. Episode two. From the hip.

This is the second episode after we just watched the second episode of The Bachelor season, what, like 30? Yes. 35? I don't know. It's in the probably high 30s at this point. Just like Ben himself, right? No, Ben's a baby. Past his prime. Ben's younger than you.

Oh, man. Every time I hear that, I just hate it more and more. This is different from the last time we recorded an episode of Rose Buddies, and that we literally just finished. Yeah, we just rolled off the couch right into the recording studio. We ushered our friends out of our house because we hosted tonight's viewing party. We did. Should we dip into the rules of the draft this week of the Fantasy League?

We'll see how much time we have because there was a lot of meaty content to chew on this week. A lot of events, noteworthy events in this episode of The Bachelor. Yeah. If you missed it and you want to recap, there was a lot of smelling. There was a lot of smelling. There were some sports. There's some sports. There was an unlikely athlete winner.

What do they call those? Unlikely athlete winner. I think that's right. Should we make it a segment on the show? I think it's maybe a segment that we can only do when we host at our house and drink as much as I drank tonight. I don't know how you did because you've been nursing those Bloody Marys. I put down probably two-thirds of a bottle of that sweet Clone 7 Cabernet Sauvignon 2013. It was a good year and oaky blend.

So are you saying we do a segment that's like, hey, what you been drinking? What you been drinking? Because for me, two-thirds of a bottle of that good, good red stuff. Now, I had one glass of wine and then this Bloody Mary that I've been drinking for 25 minutes. Oh my god. I need it. For me, it's like a potion

that a wizard cooks up for me. That's like, here, you'll enjoy The Bachelor much more with this. That's definitely true. I'm a New York newsman, but also a wizard of brewing. Boy, what an episode. Yeah, I took a lot of notes because I wanted to make sure that we didn't miss any of it. Let's start with the high school group takes. I think that was the first thing.

Things have settled down a little bit from last week, mainly in terms of Lace, who we drafted. Things have settled down a little bit from last week, mainly in terms of Lace, who we drafted because we thought she was going to get a lot of what is new for our season of the Fantasy League, bad girl points. Yeah. So typically when we played, if you did what we deemed to be negative behaviors. Crying, swearing. Yeah. If you did a lot of swearing, if you got too drunk on camera, you would lose points. Well, this season we switched it up. Now everything's a positive. Everything's a positive. If you do anything noteworthy or entertaining, you would lose points. Well, this season we switched it up. Now everything's a positive.

Everything's a positive. If you do anything noteworthy or entertaining, it's a positive. And that was because of our good friend, Chris Plant, who was like, why are you penalizing these women for swearing? That's awesome. We're like, yes, yes, you have a terrific point. Swearing is great. Yeah.

And Lace is one of those contestants that is constantly unsatisfied with her standing in the competition. And so we knew she would get us those points. She did a lot of swearing this week. But we'll get to that. So, yeah, group date. Open. Open on the group date. Big group date.

A rowdy group date. Yeah. So this group date was Bachelor High, in which Ben took, I don't know how many women it was. I think it was 10. I mean, five groups of two. Yeah. To a high school in which they competed in high school themed competitions. So there was a chemistry component.

Somebody, I want to say maybe LB, actually said the words, Ben looks so sexy. This is definitely the most turned on I've ever been at a high school. And it's like, that's like a crazy thing that's like a crazy like string of words to say as an adult maybe if i was a senior in high school and i was like just about to graduate and like on senior skip day i was at the school for some reason but i saw something that like really gave me a huge boner and i could say like i'm about to leave high school and i can definitively say this is the hugest boner i've gotten since i've been at high school but to say it as like a 29 year old person it's like crazy because how can you even remember well and also saying like this is the most turned on i've been i think leave

leave some room to say like maybe i'll come back and maybe i'll get more turned on we don't know this is the most turned on this is the most turned on i will ever be at a high school would have been better he made these women participate in a series of mental and physical and i would say emotional challenges yeah so first there was chemistry and what appeared to be like an auditorium and we saw this and we were like oh my god are they actually gonna like test these women on like what is it like baking soda and vinegar and it makes a volcano although that was some crazy volcanoes that was more than just baking soda and vinegar wasn't it a volcano? Although that was some crazy volcanoes. That was more than just baking soda and vinegar, wasn't it? Mm-hmm.

Probably Mentos and Diet Coke or something like that. Yeah, I don't know. But except instead of labeling the chemicals as chemicals, it was like you got to have communication. And like one of the chemicals was labeled communication. Were you following how this stuff was going? No, I had no idea what was going on there. It was a bad date. One of the ladies was leaning real hard on Lace for not being able to follow directions well.

And as far as I can tell, the directions were grab the vial marked communications and then grab the vial marked kissing or whatever. And then mix those two together in this volcano and it'll go off. And they had a really hard time with that yeah yeah so then the women that did well in that challenge made it to the next round which was was it shooting basketball hoops uh it was shooting basketball hoops i think it was jubilee who was on lace's team and was like i was very angry and she was like i'm not saying i want to murder lace but i want to murder lace yeah it was like jubilee dial it back and then they had to shoot basketballs there was some other stuff in there too it was a And she was like, I'm not saying I want to murder Lace, but I want to murder Lace. Yeah. And I was like, Jubilee? Dial it back?

And then they had to shoot basketballs. There was some other stuff in there, too. It was a bad day. They had to find Indiana on a map, which did not go well for most of them. It was not as hysterical as I thought. Can I say I'm a little disappointed? They had to find the state of Indiana from a cutout of states and then put it on the map where they think Indiana was. And they were all pretty close.

All the girls made fun of the one team because they put Indiana sideways, which, yes, an embarrassing gaffe. But I was half expecting, like, an Oklahoma to show up on there somewhere, an Oklahoma to show up where, like, Alaska is. Well, I don't think they had all 50 states to choose from. I think it was, like, here's six states. They didn't have the whole 50 nifty. Yeah. I definitely saw Florida and Texas in there. And if those two had popped up there, no.

Get out of here. Get out of here. That's Florida. That's Texas. And then the last was. Mandy and Amber. Yeah. And they ran like a hundred meter low hurdle, but real low hurdle.

Really, really, really low hurdle. Like knee level hurdle. Like lower than the hurdles that the casting directors put the people through to become contestants on The Bachelor or Bachelorette. And then Mandy won Homecoming Queen. She beat the shit out of it. Yeah, it was embarrassing. It was like Amber had never jumped before.

Like it was the first time her legs have ever had to like realize the expression of jumping. And from what I can tell, Mandy winning just meant that she got in a car and rode halfway around the track as homecoming queen and then spent literally no more time did not get the rose with ben after that yeah bad prize yeah she would have been better sir she had like oh my god here's the move you're running on the track you're jumping you purposefully cheese it on a hurdle you beef it on a hurdle you maybe you catch it in the fucking teeth you know i mean like something really really gnarly and then ben comes running out to you and it's like i just wanted to say that your attitude out there was really really great and i want you to take the first impression last week if you struggle and

overcome it during a group date that's the only way because the bad with that early on you're nothing you're nothing about you you are a mnemonic device that he keeps in his head to kind of remember what your name is. Which the Lauren trick doesn't work anymore. No. Well. We can talk more about that. Yeah. But the Lauren trick is gone.

But that's what I'm saying. You won. Great. You won. You beat the shit out of Amber. You made Amber look good. Mandy showed a lot of promise that first week. Because she was the one that came in

wearing the rose hat, giving the dental exam, being like... Wait, you're saying these are promising attributes? Well, I'm saying here's a woman with some interesting qualities and then this week, nothing. I learned she can jump like a fucking gazelle. I mean, yeah, she did some good

hurtling. What show would she be better on than The Bachelor? She's not going to even come close to winning the bachelor but i think if there is a show american ninja warrior american ninja warrior is jumping bachelor american ninja warrior is jumping and lifting and swinging bachelor think about it yeah no that's that's a good point what if at the end of american ninja warrior they took all the semi-finalists and they all dated each other i'd watch the fuck out of that show yeah no i would watch that american ninja warrior nights so what how would doing well on the course translate to a relationship. Prize money. If you find love, the further you got in, like if you scale Mount Midoriyama and then you also found your husband or wife, that's like a million dollar prize right there.

Because that's two really tricky needles to thread. Very few people make it up Mount Midoriyama and very few people find the love of their life that they spend their life with forever. And just true bliss, true happiness. If you do both in the same night are you kidding me millionaire what if you're one of those people that falls off like very first out of love yeah it can be like the first obstacle like the first fight you get in and it's like i can't deal with these pressures i'm out of here yeah there's a lot of good yeah you're thinking about a lot of stuff i need to call i need to drink another three quarters of a bottle of wine by myself in the course of two hours and just call ABC and be like, Sup, it's G.

You know the score. Dating Ninja Warrior. What happened to the date after that? That's when the kisses started to flow. Yeah. Like the waters. They were on some kind of like rooftop setup right yeah he was talking to all he's talking to all the women uh this is when lace decided to deploy her master tactic

which was interrupt another woman great thank you for those interruption points lace uh and talk about her denver say i just want to talk to you because i feel like i embarrass myself and i want to apologize he's like yeah you kind of came off as like that's a pretty like crazy aggressive thing she was like yeah that's right it's like she said yeah i can be she said what did she say so yeah i can be a little hard to handle sometimes yeah yeah this you've known this man for 36 hours and then she was like tell me how long you've been in denver i love denver i love denver he's like oh i've been there for two years it's great great. She's like, yeah, I also love it. Let me tell you some of my Denver experiences.

And Jubilee rolled in. Like, I'm probably saving grace. Like, let me get you out of this convo. My favorite moment about that specifically was that they were talking, and Haste getting interrupted. And so they're having this talk about Denver. And you hear Ben say, thank you for telling me about your Denver experiences. Yes. Wonderful, wonderful Denver experience stories experience so clearly they were hitting it off tell me the name of that sandwich place again sounds great she gets interrupted by jubilee a bunch of other shit happens she comes

back a second time for second second breakfasts this is because they got interrupted she keeps using it's like she loves and hates the interruption because she hates it because obviously she thinks she's like. But she's so good at it. She thinks she's like three seconds away from a kiss at any given moment. But then later. She's super duper not. Later she comes back and she says, well, hey, we got interrupted and I really want to talk more about Denver. She literally says, I have more to tell you about Denver.

Let me tell you about this great Broncos game I went to once. God, I love Peyton Manning. And those mountains? Forget about it. And legal weed? Huh, guys? Who got the early rose on that date? That was JoJo.

It was JoJo. JoJo from downtown, deep in the paint, JoJo. Like, where the fuck did you come from, JoJo? She was Unicorn Mask Night One. I know what she was. Look how far she's come. Yeah. See, in the past 24 hours.

Yeah, that was a crazy move, because he was talking to all these women, and he was like, yeah, tell me about Denver. Cool, cool, cool, cool, cool. I also live there. Anyway, JoJo, let me spirit you away to the helipad on the roof. Look at the lights of this city. It reminds me of the lights over Denver. Now let me like grab you.

Let me put my hand under your dress. Yeah, he was getting inside that weird weird. The like the overall, the shorty overall dress. That semi-formal romper she was wearing. Yeah, that came from nowhere. Came out of nowhere. Obviously he was just like thinking about it. He was like, you know who really

punched my ticket was that JoJojo gotta put some time in with her i hope she wins the hurdle race she didn't no she didn't she wasn't even close she was out of it way before the hurdle yeah he expected her to be better at basketball um and now we we so group So, group date over. Time for the one-on-one date. Oh, my God. Ride along to. Ride along to Griffin being just, like, uncomfortable and really bummed out. Like, Kevin Hart, he's obviously, he's a professional. He's a fucking entertainment professional. He's a charming guy.

You want to like him. And there's nothing, like, he's fucking hydrating that hustle. 24-7 he's hydrating that hustle. And you know this to be true. Well, and this was the day after the Golden Globes, where we saw him get up on stage at the Golden Globes and promote Ride Along 2. Right. And then next night, Bachelor, Ride Along 2, Ice Cube's there. Which is weird.

They filmed The Bachelor, like, what, like four or five months ago? They timed this stuff out, man. They timed that shit out good. They were ready to go. Anyway, Kevin Hart was there. He was hydrating the hot salt. He was putting in the work. And like, it was obvious like, okay, okay, Kevin,

like you're not making me uncomfortable. Like you're obviously here to do a job. And I respect that. Ice Cube, the same could not be said for you, my man. You seem just like genuinely bummed out to be there. And holy shit, I don't blame you because like, this was poorly conceived. Everything about because like this was poorly conceived. Everything about this whole date was poorly conceived.

Is hydrating the hustle like an expression? He was in vitamin water commercials. Is that true? Yeah. And he said hydrate that hustle. And the whole thing was like I'm Kevin Hart and I fucking get out there and I do the work like constantly. And I'm everywhere. I'm fucking everywhere right now.

I'm Kevin Hart. You know why? Because I hydrate the hustle, vitamin water. And now i'm only gonna drink vitamin water and it's true can i go grab a vitamin water right now actually i'm really thirsty we have one in the fridge if you want to it's a limit i'll be right back sorry i got one now uh so it's kayla who we love kayla who we love who gets to go on the stage genetically engineered to be loved and it's actually rubbing on me a little bit she's like the lady kevin hart i could see that but only of love not of like you know oh we don't know that's true maybe she can

sing super good she's also a software sales lady so she you know she would know how to sell that business. This knockoff vitamin water from HEB, it tastes just like the real thing. I think if I did a taste test, it's called Super Water Zero, which sounds like the name of a thrilling action movie. Ice Cube is there, and he wasn't having any of it, and it was just a big, big bummer from start to finish. I made the joke because they said the word ride-along like twice Ice Cube is there, and he wasn't having any of it, and it was just a big, big bummer from start to finish. I made the joke because they said the word ride-along like twice within like the first minute of them rolling up,

and I was like, let's all take a drink every time they say the words ride-along, and I'm glad we didn't do that because I was drinking enough already, and they said the words ride-along like a lot. So the date is Ice Cube, Kevin Hart in the back seat while kayla and ben are up front and they have engineered this date to i guess be cheap um so for example they they buy flowers from a guy on the side of the road who's clearly put there and they boy that was uncomfortable and they try and pay less for the flowers. And they go to a liquor store and Ice Cube's like, hey, you should get some Hennessy and some condoms. And Ben's like, I don't think that's a thing I'll get. There was like a close-up interview with Ben. He was like, my idea of dating and Ice Cubes are obviously very different.

Like, shut the fuck up. This is not representative of Ice Cube. You understand that? He's putting on a play right now. Like, when you see Ice Cube in Ride Along, you're not like, man, he sure drives cars super fast and shoots guns at a lot of stuff. He's in a fucking movie. He's putting on a performance. When you said he's putting on a play right now, I was really hoping you were going to tell me about some Broadway production Ice Cube was doing right now.

In Ice Cube's production of A thousand clowns he put out he was heartbreaking but beautiful and hilarious and he also drove a lot of cars he may be ice cold but he was red hot in that broadway show is what they'll say you deserve to hydrate that hustle after that a joke like that um so they go to liquor store and then they go to a hot tub store and this is where like the fucking rubber met the road and i meant to say where the shine came off the apple but i said the rubber meets the road well this is where this is where the car drove up over the crate of apples and destroyed the crate in the car because fucking kevin hart got in and they made a fart bubble

sound effect uh and kayla and bim were like in the hot tub they both looked super uncomfortable and and then it cut across and we had the captions on and the captions even said like fart bubble and then it cut and there was kevin hart he was like sorry i passed gas and then he stood up and he was like they put a bar over him like he was naked and it was he was screaming and it was like this fucking sucks because they tried to do we brought up do you remember when jimmy kimmel was the guest on a date in caitlin's season caitlin and uh who was the guy maybe sean i don't remember but he was the guest on on that date and it was genuinely like pretty funny because he's a big fan of the show, and he was dropping some reference bombs.

And then they had a sequence where he was in a hot tub with them, and it was kind of funny because they actually played off the comedic timing. Well, and this may be naive, but Jimmy Kimmel seems to be an actual fan of the show, so he was aware of the construction and how this whole thing is set up. That's beside the, it's what made it like work. It was like genuinely like entertaining. I don't know who said, all right, Kevin, get in here. We're going to make it seem like you farted and you'll stand up and we're going to make it seem like your dick is hanging out and you're just going to scream. Like what? Yeah.

That's demented. Yeah. There are two other people in this hot tub and Kevin Hart is just standing there like showing his dick to everybody. Like, what? Yeah. That's demented. Yeah. There are two other people in this hot tub, and Kevin Hart is just standing there, like, showing his dick to everybody? And this hot tub was at a hot tub store. Kevin Hart would never do that. Yeah, it was not a successful celebrity appearance. It was like a bad, bad, bad skit written by a child.

Anyway, they went on a date after that. The only thing I remember is that Kayla said the words. She was talking about how she met a man on a plane. And in two weeks, she didn't name a number, but wrote his fucking phone number in a book and sold it to a bookstore or some shit. Yeah, I don't remember. That was a serendipity reference. But she said she ran into him again. And she said, I ran into him in the city of Boston. Backing up my theory that she is some sort of, like, cyber organism brought onto The Bachelor to charm people and make them think that she's a sweetheart.

No, she does seem engineered by the producers because she has this kind of scrunchy, adorable face that's always making adorable expressions, but she's not really saying anything. And when she does say shit, it's some cyber organism shit like, in the city of Boston, I ate a bowl of the pasta you call spaghetti. What? I saw the sport that is called hockey played by the Bruins, the team of Boston. I think the team of the city of Boston. Ben seems into it, but only in the way of like, this is an entertaining person that has been put in front of me that that i enjoy being entertained by like there doesn't seem to be any sparks i think he's i think no i think he's into it but i think maybe it's like obviously and we'll get to this later but he's a science-minded individual and i think

he is intrigued by this this new life form named kaila kaila 001 um who talks about the city of boston and its many features my favorite male actor is ben affleck from the city of boston uh should we get to to the uh the real chemistry of the show uh absolutely we should oh and then there was amos lee oh yeah a rare uh recognizable music yes maybe they're putting some more weight into it because they fucking did cranberries last was Amos Lee. Oh, yeah. A rare, recognizable music guest. Maybe they're putting some more weight into it because they fucking did Cranberries last season. It's like they're actually

on a streak now of two. Yeah, the memory I have is an early season, but not so early that it made sense where the Barenaked Ladies were on and everybody was like I would lose my mind.

real excited about that. But then in the past five years or so, there's been a string of totally unrecognizable musical They're trying to like start careers for the most part. But wait, they had the one with Caitlin that was like Trace Atkins or something like that. It was like a country music. Oh no, it's fucking big and rich. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Who I had not heard of until that episode. Shush. What's their song? ride a cowboy oh yeah see no i'm no this is something you know better than me save a horse ride a cowboy you've heard of save the horse ride a cowboy have you not heard of save a horse ride a cowboy i have were you grown in the same lab as kaila 001 it's very possible. I am from the city of St. Louis. Excellent. I hear

that the food called ribs are good in the city of St. Louis. I really want to talk about this group date in the Love Lab. Yeah, it really went place. I want to paint the, I want to like paint a picture of our group that we watch it with because we got some, we got some old buds that we were watching the show with.

And then we have our friend Eva who hasn't watched the show before yeah she's brand new to the franchise she's brand new to the franchise it's always very exciting watching the franchise with somebody brand new but then like this episode some genuinely like gnarly shit happened and i was like i'm embarrassed that we brought our friend eva on board to watch this show because it got fucking gnarly. An example of that is during the Amos Lee portion of the show where Ben and Kayla were dancing. Oh, my God. Ben and Kayla were dancing. And it was one of those times where it was believable that both or at least one of them actually liked Amos Lee.

He seemed like he was into it. And then Ben started singing along with Amos Lee. He seemed like he was into it. And then Ben started singing along with Amos Lee to Kayla. Griffin literally hopped out of the chair on the couch, ran around behind the couch. He was so uncomfortable. It was literally like it may have seemed like performance to the people in the room.

My reaction. It was literally involuntary. It was like you put your hand on a stove and you immediately draw it away. My body was like fight or flight. Get the fuck out of here, Griffin. Get behind that couch. Yeah, no, this is not unusual for Griffin to get up and flee the space. But I literally threw myself behind the couch as though it were like a barrier from an atomic blast or something.

It was really rough. Anyway, science date, science date, science date. Science date. Okay, so who was on the state? We know Olivia was on the state. We know Samantha was on the state. Amanda. Amanda

was on the state. It was another group of five. Shoshanna, which is Ben's favorite way of saying that word. Shoshanna. And they show up at what is called the love lab and they are greeted by one of those robot computers is there a name for this yeah i don't know what they're called a little ipad on a stand yeah a little roomba i call it hover hover man because

it's like a hoverboard with a selfie stick on it it's literally the dude saying it that way it's the douchiest object that currently exists um he greets them um and they walk in and find ben in like a like a white pants option with some wires attached a white pants option you look like a fucking sweeted Tron remake. And one of the ladies was like, oh, he looked super nerdy but super sexy. Which is, I guess, that's what they're required to say anytime they see him in an unusual outfit. You know, I thought when he wore blackface, it was really, really gross. But also, he still made it look really sexy. It was weird when they put that like really graphic like blood makeup on him. So it looked like his intestines were coming out of his stomach. When he dressed up like the giant adult baby from the Cirque du Soleil.

Like I was like, no, that's scary and bad. But at the same time, it's also like sexy. Sexy. Sexy. scary and bad but at the same time it's also like sexy sexy uh so they are great the the robot man is dr love was as they call them and they're can i just and he fucking follow me ladies i'm a robot and everybody's like oh he's a robot he's like open this door for me i don't have hands and they open the door and he's like and now here's my body like what what was the point of that it would be easier to have your own like host to show them into the science room is the love lab a real thing should we look into this do you think we need to are you

curious what our fucking score would be i'm just curious if everybody gets greeted by a robot and a little curious about what just like add a little bit of science to it uh so so they're going to use science to find love uh which means they're going to go through a series of tests where things are going to be measured and it's going to be called science you say that and it sounds like like body body measurements no that's not what we're talking about. No, that's true. Maybe on Juan Pablo's season, they would have been like, weigh yourself on this scale. Okay, who got the lowest number? That's the love connection.

Good work, Juan Pablo. No, he wanted to go deeper. He wanted to get genetically intimate. Was the very first test the sweat test? It's the only test that matters to me is the sweat test uh so all of the women on the date had to get on track they did the eye test where they oh yeah they had to like check what they were looking at and it was like babies or diamonds hey dr love fuck you hey for real this is griffin mcelroy from austin texas

dr love fuck you and your fucking test you fucking weirdo diamonds your babies ladies which one is it fucking creep uh can you be cool for a fucking second professor love and then there was sean or ben um so they they followed the eyes which did they they told the women like hey we're gonna follow your eyes on this right if they did and they fucking they don't know then there were scientists ever here's how to win at this science test are you doubting the merit of dr love and yeah i'm definitely definitely doubting dr love's island experiments a fucking weirdo and can we and let's be honest there were a lot of women who looked at sean but then immediately was like, I shouldn't be doing this and looked at Ben.

But everybody looked at Sean because Sean is handsomer, better, faster, stronger, more charismatic. I like him a lot better. Ben has not proven himself to me. This is a rare opportunity, and you got to earn it. Yeah. In my eyes. No, and he hasn't had to do anything yet to earn anything. He did smell all of these women very closely.

Yeah, so they got on a treadmill uh in little white outfits they had been given to wear and then demeaning white outfits yeah i say little because they were literally very small and then he was led to each of them blindfolded and he smelled like their waist area he smelled their neck and he like their waist area. He smelled their neck, and he smelled their waist area. And it was- And he would say a lot of things like, oh, this is floral, or oh, this smells like raspberries. This one has sort of a fruity smell. Yeah.

And then he got to poor Samantha. Poor Samantha. Poor, just pungent. And he knows, like, this is the last woman. He has been through a whole row of ladies who he knows are standing there and hearing flowers and raspberries. And he says, it's kind of a sour smell. She's standing right there. All the women are standing there.

Let's unpack this. What's my favorite? We go to see Creed at the IMAX theater. Yes. What candy do I get? Oh, you always get like a like a sour candy sour patch kids yeah so for me griffin that's a smell that i would enjoy like over a floral you know like if i smell a woman i was like it's got sort of a like a got sort of a like sour

a sour sprees maybe like a sour skittle i'm i'm kind of into that smell like maybe kids that are from some kind of sour patch okay but what i'm saying maybe he didn't necessarily mean like you smell like skunked ass milk what that's what you smell like when you move around a whole lot this is samantha isn't it i recognize this smell um it's very embarrassing all the women did laugh at poor samantha yeah and samantha was like what apparently i smell sour oh no was understandably upset about that um and so then the final science test was they wore these kind of thermal receptor monitors and they went in a room on like a closed circuit TV so all the other women could

watch and they watched as their bodies heated up and then the Dr. Love put them in a variety of poses and then watched their bodies to see how hot they got. Dr. Love, your science fucking stinks, my dude. I don't

understand why all the other women had to watch. Let me do my, here. That was my smell test of Dr. Love's science acumen. And here's the verdict. It's sour. It's sour science. Anyway, did anything happen during the science? All the women had to watch them, like, touch each other, thermally speaking.

And it was bad and gross. Yeah, the only thing that kind of happened is that Olivia and him, they touch foreheads and they're looking at each other. And then Olivia unhinges her jaw and fucking swallowed him whole because she's fucking Galactus, the devourer of worlds. I don't get that reference. It's fine. I don't know what I want to know now. Galactus is a Marvel villain who dev devours worlds that's all you really need to know about it um they're leaning their heads against each other and she's like like how

am i not supposed to kiss you right now and he's like well other people are watching but we're supposed to feel like the heat of that exchange through the tv as we're watching. And science and the sour smell end up really having a resolution when we discover that Samantha, out of a scale of 10, which 10 being, I don't know. The scientifically sexiest. The scientifically most bonable. Samantha gets a 2 for her sour smell. No, it's 2 and change.

Like 2.42 or something. Okay, but still rounded down to 2. Well, don't cheat her out of, like, she's had two for her sour smell. No, it was two and change. Like 2.42 or something. Okay, but still rounded down to two. Well, don't cheat her out of, like, she's had a fucking pretty hard day. Let's give her the extra.42 points. And then Olivia gets a little bit over seven. Yeah, almost a 7.5, again, rounding down a little bit. Mm-hmm. Um, yeah, just, just crushed her.

Just really crushed her. Yeah. Which is like, which makes me think even more that Dr. Love Science fucking sucks. Because if the test is smell these women, you think that one smells bad? Well, it's not her. That's bad science. It has nothing to do with love, Dr. Love. You can call yourself Dr. Smell.

And that can be your test. Like, which women do you think smell the best? Okay, that one I will give you. But you can fall in love with a stinky woman. Not that I did, but you can. It has happened. Give me an example of what celebrity couple do you think has that one smelly partner? I think that Tom Hanks and Rita Wilson.

You think Rita's smelly? I think Rita probably has a smell about her because she's a hardworking woman. She's fucking out there hydrating the hustle. And Tom Hanks doesn't prefer her smell but loves literally every other thing about her i'm just dr love is a fucking hack and he should be he should have his license stripped from him um anyway after the day olivia gets a rose olivia gets that rose even though amanda leveraged her kids that i thought what i thought was like a pretty good point to leverage your kids yeah wasn't enough yeah no ben was like i'm cool with kids i love kids and i'm not scared of them and cool i love your kids i made the point with to our friends that he did like the weird michael

scott like part where jan has a baby and michael scott's like i i'm gonna be there for this baby every day like he did that like instantly. Like these kids are now a part of my life. They're fucking not. You're dating 23 other women, Ben. Yeah. Reigning in a little bit. Yeah, that was kind of uncomfortable to watch

because he was like, you know, I knew there was something about her. Like now it makes so much sense. I've solved the mystery. She had children before. So then the group dates, the one-on-one dates, it's all over. It's rose ceremony, cocktail hour. And Ben starts giving all of the women gifts.

He says to Lauren B., the flight attendant, a strong, i think it's gonna be a front runner he says you're like you're safe don't worry like you're good don't worry about it it's cool and he says i made this or i had this made for you i had this made he says the words i had this i had this made for you and just like keep in mind don't forget either the verb or the noun subject I'm about to say, because they don't align. I had this made for you, he says, handing her a fucking printed out photograph of the shot that they shot on the cameras on the Bachelor TV show of when they met. I had this made for you. You made a picture? What are you saying?

Which, how do you think that conversation went? So he approached the producers. Give me a photo printer now. I need to make this. Or do the Bachelor producers have photos made of every meeting, and it's supposed to be like a little reminder for whoever the Bachelor is? Those are his flashcards yeah yeah her like her name's on the back with like the word it's like flight attendant yeah lauren b not lb not the other lauren b not lauren h not lauren r not laura not laura um

man those lauren's are just dropping like fucking flies huh yeah um and then he has this little craft project with amanda where they make barrettes uh-huh and he was like put it on my hair and she put one in his hair he's like wow you really snapped that in there like yeah ben you asked her to put it in your fucking hair don't ask her to put shit in your hair if you don't want it in your hair ben and then poor sweet amanda gets on camera with those barrettes and holds them up and, like, says to her daughters, like, hey, I miss you guys. Charlie Kinsey, I found him. Kinsey. Kinsey, Charlie, I found him.

Can't believe she named her daughter Charlie. Yeah. That's unfortunate. Just trying to strip some magic out of her beautiful niece. And then what was the blue ribbon part? One of the women got a blue ribbon. It lasted, like, four seconds. He's like, Lauren H., great job on the volcano science projects.

Here's a blue ribbon. This is romance. This is how dating works. You're my girlfriend. Here's a ribbon, girlfriend. I just, like, I can't imagine the production assistant that gets that, like, series of tasks. Like, I want a photo of me and this one woman. I want stuff to make barrettes.

And I want a ribbon. Who were some big, oh, Jackieie we lost a member of our team cool jackie had such a strong start it felt like in the first episode and then did literally nothing week two and i feel like that happens like a lot like every season yeah i mean before we talk about what we what goes home we should talk about kind of olivia's transformation that happened there at the end it's the the i just don't give a shit anymore like i really don't this idea of like somebody making the decision i'm going to be the bad girl and then in order to do that i'll literally all you have to do is spend more time with like be more aggressive about spending time with the bachelor than anybody else and then all

of a sudden you're the bad person and that's all you have to do it's so easy you don't have to like go up to any of the women be like hey i think you're ugly all you have to do is literally play the game a little bit harder than everybody else yeah one she is very transparent and that she's like yeah i got the rose but what am i supposed to relax like she is playing strategy and then you do that once and then some of the women start talking and then a producer obviously comes to you and is like, hey, just wanted to let you know, women are talking shit, so if you want to be this season's villain, and then we'll definitely get you on Bachelor in Paradise,

then just say this during our one-on-one interview. Just be like, you know, I don't care what these other women think because I'm his wifey. Why that voice? What what happened that voice there and i lose my voice a little bit um i just like don't give a shit anymore things that are more interesting to me this season um lace what's your deal well the reason i brought up olivia is then lace has that strange confrontation where she's like, hey, Olivia, that made me uncomfortable when you stole him away before when I was trying to steal him away.

Why would you do that? And then they have this little powwow that seems to have no purpose at all other than Lace trying to say like, hey, I know that you're trying to be the villain, but I'm the villain, so back off. I don't think Lace is trying to be the villain, though'm the villain so back off and then i don't think lace is trying to be the villain though i feel like lace is on some ashley eye shit where she's just a genuinely hyper uncomfortable person which is like fine that that also happens every season

and that to me is more interesting because one of these seasons we're gonna have an arc where they learn to get over that shit instead of letting it like absolutely consume them and take them out of the running uh not gonna be this season not gonna be this season lace uh because she did pull him aside and was like i want to talk to you about some stuff anyway i used to be a nerd and my brothers wouldn't sit next to me on the bus and my hair used to look really stupid oh like damn dude and they were like on a balcony it showed all the other women like down below the balcony like listening to every word oh lace i've i'm I'm feeling for you. But you need to, like, say other, like, literally any other shit. And she's still got a rose.

Why do you think he's keeping her around? Do you think it's really the producer pick that we hear about? She's pretty. She has a pretty face. I don't know what to, like. You don't think the producers are saying, hey, you can pick these ten, and then we get one? That definitely happens.

I don't know that they would use it on Lace, though. Yeah. I think they would use it on Stink-Ass Samantha. Oh, Samantha went home. Yeah, I like Samantha a lot. We're giving her a hard time because she produces a unique scent, but... The weird thing is that LB,

who is the second Lauren B that was designated LB, chose to go home and we were given no setup I forgot about that we were given no setup usually you get a little bit of like maybe it's the realest

maybe that might be the realest moment that's ever had been on The Bachelor of a person honestly sitting there thinking thoughts to themselves like this is a huge fucking mistake I don't want to be here anymore to the degree that i'm not even gonna like do a one-on-one camera interview and be like uh i don't want to be here anymore and then create drama for them to exploit like literally when she said that during the rose ceremony the producers were probably like whoa where the fuck did this

come from yeah yeah because she's she's the and lb for all the shit we gave her is the andy dufresne Yeah, because she's- She's the- LB, for all the shit we gave her, is the Andy Dufresne of The Bachelor. She planned to fucking- Crawling through the shit. LB climbed through a mile of her shit. Yeah, I- Well, she said it's not fair because he tried to give her a rose.

She said it's not fair. I'm having a really hard time being here. And gave up her rose for another woman that actually wanted to be there which was a noble not fucking jackie though god i can't believe jackie went home i thought we're gonna be safe when lace got that early rose i was like oh shit all three of our team members are gonna be safe lauren h was fine not so much for jackie jackie was the one well we didn't feel super good about jackie jackie was the one that prepared the wedding invitation is that correct yeah and then uh yeah she got sent home uh as did um who else lauren b

no lauren b still there lauren h lauren h is safe lauren h is safe um lb went home samantha went home samantha went home jackie went home did she no mandy's fine i think i don't know man no mandy went home okay that was i was like i was like rose hat went home i was getting the spins a little bit she won the fucking race and didn't get a rose at all nope yeah she was on johnny's and cassie's team that's some horse apples anyway it was a really fun episode he smelled like eight women he got deep down in there and smelled eight women intimately i've never seen anything quite like it yeah i i did not have high hopes for this episode but that that was a really defining moment. I've seen a man smell women before, I guess.

Like, if I think about it, like, I've probably seen a man smell a woman before. I've never seen a man smell eight women that have been prepared for him, like a fucking Baskin Robbins lineup of ice creams, for him to have little samples. Let me just get a little sour. I feel miserable about our team. Yeah. If Lace is the star performer of our team, and again, we've gone very long, and I don't think we're going to have time to go over our rules. I will say, though, that in order to replace Jackie, we had to draft from the remaining players we had amber or a twin and we had to pick a twin we flipped a coin we flipped a coin we ended up with hayley which was griffin's pick

to begin with you were more of an emily fan but i feel like neither of us gonna fucking do anything because there's no way they're gonna split these sisters up that would be crazy no way they're gonna split these sisters up yeah i probably not it. No way they're going to split these sisters up. Yeah, probably not. It's the fatal flaw of this game, and it's fun doing all of this. But week one, we know who the final three are going to be.

The final three are going to be Olivia, Kayla, and LB. Or Lauren B, not LB. Lauren B. Those are going to be the last three people in contention. And I know this not only because like I've seen enough of this show to know like how the story is authored, but also like they show that this season on The Bachelor and you see those three seasons and be like, I am falling in love with you. And it's like, well, they only do that in like late destinations, hometowns or fucking

fantasy suites. So we know they're going really, really far. So you get it. You start to paint a picture. I thoughtcca had a good basketball moment this week she scored a basket she scored multiple baskets they had a little chit chat and he made her feel comfortable and she scored some baskets and he seemed very impressed well god knows what the fucking criteria is for the wind bins heart this season you have to smell good have daughters and he brought up leah's football move too he like pulled her aside and was like hey this dude loves

loves sports he loves sports he loves sports do you think they programmed kayla to be able to throw a football good do you think they'll be able to like jack her into some sort of like web that can teach her how to play sports really quick in like the course of one day like whoa i know highline it's like i loved highline in college she did get in the hot tub though so if she is some kind of animatron they've prepared her for water which is unusual for animatrons you're right it's probably like late in the movie bicentennial man not early didn't hayley joel osmond jump into a pool in AI and just like drowned? Pretty cool robot.

Wait, are we talking about Bicentennial Man or AI? Bicentennial Man exists inside of the AI-iverse. That's not true. That's true. That's not true. That's absolutely true. Bicentennial Man was set in the same universe as AI. What are you basing that on? They're set in the same universe as ai what are you basing that on they're they're

set in the same universe so robin williams existed in the same universe as hayley yes bison tail man was a prequel to ai because when in ai it started out with hayley joel osman it's like a full like flesh and blood like robot boy and bison tail man like when he started out he was like a he was like a coffee maker or something but then he got flesh and then he got a real dick and he he made sweet love to that woman where does jude law fall in all this jude law i mean he's not like he's not like bicentennial man's son or anything but he's like later in like 200 years after bicentennial man ai happens and that means they're in the same universe yeah two of yours it's like the same it's not it's like the um it's like the duck tales of verse like how they spun off like

darkwing duck is still part of the duck duck averse okay i'm just saying like ai is the same as bison ten omen what what'd you say this is how I say asbestos to no one. I drank a bunch. It was a fun episode. I watched a man smell eight women like a police lineup. It was her. It was the sour one. Cuff her.

Throw the book at her, Dano. Throw the book right at her. The stinker. I knew it was you. Let me. I knew it was you, you stinker. You sour stinker. I could never love a sour stinker. You sour stinker. I could never love a sour stinker.

Get out of here. So that was episode two. We're very excited about next week. I know. I think this is going to be a front-loaded season of fun. I mean, they always do this shit. You get the sumo date week two. The week two dates are are usually pretty bonkers that's when they bust out the tractor race because it's like we got a lot of human bodies guys let's just see let's move them around let's see we can make

these clowns do these unpaid clowns put them in some hot water let's make them do some jumps and let's call it an episode um This can be another weekly segment. How do you feel about Ben? I grew no closer to Ben. No closer at all. The only thing I find endearing about him is this motherfucker loves sports so much. He did seem to loosen up a little bit with the crafts and the gifts. He did seem kind of like, I'm my own bachelor and this is how I'm going to do things.

Somebody pointed out that in the helipad scene with JoJo, he seemed a little tipsy. A little tipsy. I would totally, I imagine that is a huge position of pressure. And if you are a dude or a woman who is not a professional't, is not a professional, like, TV entertainer, like, if I was The Bachelor, I would be drunk literally constantly for eight weeks. I would have an eight-week drunk. The only reason it seemed that way, though, is because he's typically a man of stone. Yeah. He typically emotes so little that to see him move his body in a way that appeared relaxed was like, oh, he must be hammering.

Oh, my God. Maybe he wasn't drunk. Maybe he was malfunctioning. He was created in the same lab by Dr. Love. Oh, my God. Oh, no. Dr. Love created Ka'ila 001 and Ben H. Unit to fucking love each other perfectly throughout existence. That explains the sour moment, because he doesn't know.

He doesn't know. He has a set number of words in there. He knows that certain smells can be sour. His robotic olfactory senses can only detect three different smells. So he's making broad generalizations. And when he's singing along while they're dancing, he's like, I've been programmed to know this song. Yeah. He was just running Spotify in his voice box.

It's perfect. It's fucking perfect. They're perfect for each other. Yeah. I can't wait to watch them interlock their USB ports in fantasy suites. So when Olivia opens her mouth real wide and looks like she unhinges her draw, he's thinking, I bet I could charge my, you know, my appendages in her mouth. Unless the appendage you're talking about is his entire arm. Because, boy,

that's a crazy mouth scene you have, Olivia. I'm not usually the type of person that picks on people's physical attributes in this show. We saw a lot of mouth. But that's a lot of mouth, Olivia, that you're putting forward for everybody.

Olivia. No, she's not a robot ben and kaila ben and kaila yeah kaila's gonna either win this we're on the same page about this right she's either going to win or be the next bachelorette i think so yeah which again like it kind of feels like the show's maybe losing a little bit of the magic for me because it's the second episode yeah then we already know that yeah oh wow well the i think the other thing that happened this week is that didn't Bachelor come out and say specifically, we are seeking a woman of color for Bachelorette? No, they didn't. They said I would.

One of the producers said I would be surprised if the next Bachelorette was not the summer Bachelorette was not diverse. Just like a crazy thing like what she's schizophrenic what are you talking about what does that mean all right well that's all i got we're talking we basically want a frankenstein we want to we want to build a woman like we built kaila like dr love built kaila uh just out of like different parts of women from different ethnicities. We want her to be basically legion. We want her to be a thousand screaming voices inside of one. Ideally, we get multiple backgrounds, multiple colors.

Yes. Depending on the weather and the temperature. I'd like an African-American left arm and like a Tongan right leg. Just thinking about maybe if we could pick up like an Inuit torso. Anyway. No, this is spiraled into some weird bone collector shit.

This has been Rose Buddies Episode 2. Thanks you guys for tuning in. I'm not exactly sure what the target audience for this show is yet. We'll figure it out as we go. Like and subscribe and leave us a rating on iTunes. This episode's-

Are we going to be on iTunes? I don't know. Okay. We should. Yeah. I'll get us up on iTunes. Go request us on iTunes. This episode is brought to you by Clocks.

I say that just because it's the thing I'm looking at in my office right now. Oh, gosh. Next week's episode is sponsored by Lamps. And then the next week after that is Soundboards. I think the vitamin water was... Hydrate the Hustle vitamin water. No, Super Water Zero, H-E-B's own.

Hydrate the work ethic. They can't take Hydrate the Hustle because that's vitamin water. Bye, guys. Bye. She ends up with Soulja Boy.