Wonderful! - Episode 21: Damn, Daniel

Episode Date: May 24, 2016

Hello, and welcome back to our garbage hole. We are the king and queen of the garbage hole, and The Bachelorette is our only form of sustenance, here, in the garbage hole. We're talking about JoJo's debut episode of the new season of The Bachelorette, and the many clown-suitors who have cast a shadow over her life. Let's have a fun, safe and exciting new season, everybody! MaxFunDrive ends on March 29, 2024! Support our show now by becoming a member at maximumfun.org/join.

Maybe you should go and do some contemplating. Right reasons, right reasons, being a good girl for all the right reasons. Right reasons, right reasons, being a good girl for all the right reasons. I'm the best rep and I'm rapping to your pool sign. Here to find true love. Hi, this is Rachel McElroy. Hi, this is Griffin McElroy. And this is Rose Buddies.

And this is Rose Buddies. This television show is a wild, hot, toilet mess. And I want to wallow in it like all real monsters. That was beautiful. This show is trash dropped out of an airplane or a spaceship that sort of collects in space like the dangerous debris that causes Sandra Bullock

so much trouble and gravity that just slams into my body every few months and I love every fucking second of it this show is digging in a nose for two minutes, finding a flag, and

winning super sloppy double dare. This is the sloppiest double dare. This is quintuple dare. Yeah, you heard that right, ladies and gentlemen. Griffin has a new beverage. You want to talk about it? I don't know that the Boulevard Brewery company ginger lemon radler is going to be my go-to buddy first of all it's an alcoholic beverage so you don't get the health benefits that a super water zero gets you

but i don't think any beverage is going to get me the benefits the super water zero gets me uh it's approximately 115 degrees in this studio yeah Yeah, it really, really is. It's hot as fuck. It's only gonna get worse, too. We have this one room in our house that's just a volcano's asshole, which is another great way of referring to this wild, beautiful shit show that we're doing a podcast about called The Bachelorette featuring JoJo Fletcher. Can we start out the episode with a few thank yous? So many thank yous.

A lot of people made me feel really great about myself and yourself and ourselves in this podcast. We got to see photos from watch parties in Chicago and Brooklyn. Our man Drew Davidson created the most wildly popular fantasy draft Bachelorette website. It's extremely popular, this website.

It's called the Rose Reckoner. You can find it on our group, and it's going to do the math for you. Not that our fucking fantasy team needs math. I'm pretty sure Rachel and I know maybe more about love than anybody that's ever lived. I don't know that we can get so cocky, because this is

the first season that I felt like we really had a shot. We've really obliterated it. Yeah. Anyway, if you're new, and that's a possibility because this is the first episode on the first. We're recording this immediately after. By the way, thanks, Dancing with the Stars. Thanks, Dancing with the Stars. Yeah, really pushed it back for us.

No one gives a fuck about you, Dancing with the Stars, except for I care about Neal, and I hope Neal's doing well. You mean Niall? I don't call him what the fuck i want to call him um i'm sure he dances very good he was of course our favorite antm yeah um contestant and he won he murdered that season yeah um but they got kind of a late start went to eight to ten and 10 30 is about when you and i like to retire to the bedroom to make our own hot garbage oh god um is that what you call it so it's a late a late start for this episode late recording session late fucking hot recording session i might go change into my tank top that tank top that you love so much i do love that tank top griffin has a lot of muscles and he doesn't brag about it but there are multiple muscles in his body i don't have a lot of muscles i have a lot of a lot of bustles that tank top really

emphasizes you know who's got a lot of muscles though are the are the filth boys on this season of the bachelorette what a nice segue what a fucking clown car it's like noah's ark and there's two different types of all of the different types of shit birds that there are in the world i love this garbage so much bury me in it uh all right so jojo montage bikini that's a beautiful last name by the way i i guess it's a viranian descent because that's like where her family is from. Jojo Montage. It could be like a bond. Griffin, if we keep up at this pace, we're going to be at midnight.

I don't got shit to do tonight, do you? Well, I guess. You'd like to sleep. You'd like to retire. Okay, Jojo on the beach in a bikini. There's seagulls. There's a lifeguard station. She's looking out at the water. She's thinking about love.

Very good summary. I mean, what's there to say about jojo you know or you love her yeah i guess just like before we even started the episode you were kind of cool on jojo i was a little bit warmer on jojo than you were yeah i feel like this episode was a good sort of shot across the bow for jojo i mean maybe all we saw was her reacting to things which can give you a good hint that's the whole fucking thing i need to see what her initiative looks like um we also got a nice scene with jojo meeting up with uh former bachelorettes including caitlin and ally ally and des uh i did not watch ally season wasn't familiar with her brand of wisdom although she dropped a nug that i was a big fan of where she said don't like focus too much on the front runners that first night sort of like put them on the back burner because you know they're going to

be there week two and instead like trying to do a more holistic dude search experience not sure that she followed that exactly um in fact i would say that she didn't follow that at all i I feel like the frontrunners of the season are very well established, and we have all of them on our team. Yeah, they discuss a wide range of popular Bachelorette topics, which include, do you kiss on night one? How do you know if it's love or lust? And are you ready to get engaged? and are you ready to get engaged? Caitlin, who had been on her season, that must have been uncomfortable.

Yeah. Been, if you remember the Axeman, his final target, that final heart that he laid up on the guillotine, and he chopped up real good, was JoJo's. Caitlin also had a taste of that particular brand of medicine, and she said, Ben told two different ladies, I'm gonna say men, that would have been a cool season, that he loved them and you were the second one.

You came in second place. So you didn't get the benefits of that love. Are you gonna do that to the boys? JoJo said, no, I'm not gonna do that to the boys. I'm not gonna tell two boys I love them. We'll see if she can keep up with that. Yeah, right. And then it's JoJo getting ready in a long nude-colored sparkle dress.

She favors the nude-colored sparkle dress. Everybody at our watch party agreed her hair looked incredible. She looked incredible. Yeah. It was across the board. Stunning. Stunning one, I'd say. Stunning night.

Count the stars on JoJo's bod. Flecked with diamonds. And then it's time for limo exits. We're moving fast because once the boys show up, things get rowdy-duty. I like that. So I took notes alphabetically. I did not go in order. Maybe not the best way to take notes.

Of little exits, I know. But I will say that the first person. Drop on me the guy lights. Well, there were also some montages. So select gentlemen received a little backstory. The vignettes. So for example, Christian, you get to see him training at the gym. Christian was of course the fellow whose three goals are the best three goals that a human could ever aspire to,

which is making Mark Cuban proud of you, going to space and then getting moon rocks for your dumb grandchildren. Christian gets up at 430 every morning, goes to the gym, did not have a relationship with his father because his father's family was racist. He is of mixed race. Yes, he is a man of color, and he takes care of his two brothers. He seems like a fucking winner. Like, I love that dude so, so much. Yeah, he seems like a good guy.

If he had hit it off with JoJo just a little bit more, I was antsy to draft him. But I didn't see that spark there, unfortunately. Our boy, Jordan. Are you talking about Jordan? Jordan gets a football montage. Football montage? Why did you say that like the fucking lead singer of the B-52s? A football montage?

Everybody gets a football montage. All of the kids playing pigskin in the streets hand me the ball i'm going for a beach touchdown um we get to find out about his lost love um and his history with football and his brother aaron rogers i think i know everything i need to know about his brother, Aaron Rodgers. One year, his brother, Aaron Rodgers, had the most running yards on the Green Bay Packers for the people who were supposed to run. That's not right, but it's right for Aaron Rodgers. Jordan was also the first out of the limo.

And if you follow the Bachelor Bachelorette franchise, the first person out of the limo is pretty significant. Yeah, it's a good start. Usually, they end up playing a big role in the series. Yeah. So in our team, we got so we had five teams in our fantasy league this year, which if you listen to last week's episode, you know, like how we operate. I feel so fucking good about the rules this year.

I feel really good about the drafting rules. We did one before the episode started, one after the the limo exits and then one after the first episode and like i feel like that's the only way to draft from now on yeah because it's like such a smart way to do it because you have more information each time you do it and so like the value judgment is different each time so somebody you think like oh i've got to have before the episode starts by the end of the episode you might say oh that first pick sucks um uh but yeah jordan was like the hot commodity before we even got started because the line of logic there was like he's a fucking like the best nfl quarterback's brother that's probably gonna win you some points

but i think he's got i think he's got some game on his own yeah no he definitely does that was our first pick we lucked out we were the we were the second team to to lock him down yeah um go jordan jordan i'm rooting for you buddy um do you want me to go alphabetically now through just give me the guy lights the guy lights i forgot guy lights um because there were a lot of boys that like just got the lumped in treatment when like one of the shittier boys was like i feel like a lot of these dudes are just like here is a joke and then it would show like five guys over the course of like 15 seconds who would like walk up and have some shitty gimmick yeah um uh i mean in ollie's montage we get to see he's a pianist and he does break that out he's a man that plays piano that's all

i ask is just a little bit of it takes a little bit longer to say, but I think that they would appreciate it. And Brandon, the hipster, comes out and says that he knows nothing about her. I like that move a lot. I'm just like, what's up? I don't know who the fuck you are. You prove yourself to me. Chad comes out, grabs both of her hands, will not let her go.

Chad, we're a little aggressive there. Talks to her very, very closely. He did a full-blown two-hand grab like he was operating the Sigourney Reaver robot at the end of Aliens. Did you just call her Sigourney Reaver? I had like seven glasses of wine um christian the one i was just referencing earlier uh he shows up on a bike like rides in on a motorcycle motorcycle not like a peewee's big adventure bike that would have been fun though like hey what's up sorry I'm really fucking exhausted.

Just kidding. I'm not. Because look at my body. I'm like Ninja Warrior ripped. Should we talk about Daniel's entrance? Here's the thing about Daniel. Daniel is the one who referenced the body similar to a Lambo in his bio. He's the turbo teen.

Definitely boy car. Definitely a man-shaped car who can transform when he eats spicy food um he is from canada which we learned um he jumps out the limo and says damn jojo back at it again with the next bachelorette so let's break that down what's it called your you went to school for English stuff, right? Yes. For like a while. Yeah. What are they called?

Those diagrams where they bust it out and they do like, it looks like a weird, shitty, lopsided fork, but it shows you where the adjectives and the participles are in a sentence. They call it like diagramming a sentence. Okay. Let's diagram that sentence. Okay. Damn, Jo jojo that's easy that's just like one little bit and then it's got the exclamation point it's its own little self-contained little nugget back at it again with the next bachelorette again doesn't make sense because this is probably this is definitely her first time being the next bachelorette yeah also you've referenced a 600 year old meme

that was that was discovered in the dead sea scrolls daniel i don't think it's that old i didn't it's 150 000 it's cute it was discovered on a cuneiform tablet all right daniel daniel daniel you can't it's also it's your name you did the meme because it's your name, but then you said JoJo's name. If you're worried about whether or not JoJo got that reference, don't worry. She did not. Daniel gets the opportunity to explain it to her. Jesus, and that scene just made my fucking soul leave my body and astrally project into the sun. Shall we move on? please let's this first episode

by the way thank you for listening to rose buddies this first episode if you're listening to it's gonna be incomprehensible because we have like an unfathomable amount of ground to cover the next one's gonna be much more cogent uh let's skip ahead to james taylor let's skip ahead to James Taylor. Let's skip ahead. That's what I say every time I'm on Spotify. James Taylor comes out with a guitar, as you would hope, and sings an original song that he wrote for JoJo. It's a country song. I don't remember it, which for, by Bachelor Bachelorette standard is actually very good. He says something about how she is in Dallas, or Waco.

We know it to be Waco, but I think it's Dallas for the purposes of the show. And how the Dallas boys didn't appreciate her. And how they must be crazy. Okay, yeah. Something like that. It's no blindsided. In the pantheon of

the Bachelor Bachelorette OST. She seems to feel it, though. She enjoys it. She seems to feel it, though. She enjoys it. She seems to feel it. He drops on her like, you're from Texas? Yeah, I'm from Texas. Cool.

Us Texas people, we know it. When I found out somebody's from Green or Bastrop or Marfa or San An, as I call it, then I just get fucking psyched out of my mind. It's like, aw, dude, Schlitterbahn? And they're like, yeah, dude, Schlitterbahn. And then we talk about Schlitterbahn for like an hour. It's our favorite water slides and shit. Friday Night Lights?

Yeah, dude, Friday Night Lights. Dude, definitely. And then we kiss. Griffin. I meet myself a texas person we start talking about water slides and friday night lights you're lucky if kissing's all we do uh let's move on to jonathan let's move on to jonathan jonathan came out in a kilt as we were teased in the photo of the cast. While he's wearing the kilt, he walks up to Jojo, says that he is half Chinese and half Scottish.

That's fine. And Jonathan, you should have stopped there, my dog. Jonathan goes on to say, don't worry, the half of me that's Scottish is below the waist. And then he leans in and tells her that he's, quote, not wearing panties.

But he also says, like, you can interpret that how you will. And it's like, I don't, you've just like, most jokes follow the structure of setup, punchline. They don't follow the structure of like three setups and then not a punchline after it. It was the worst, he seems like an okay dude. That was maybe the worst moment of the episode of television for me.

Yeah. When the man made like a Asian person penis size joke. I recognize that he's thinking, oh, there haven't been a lot of Asian guys on this show. And there haven't. I'm just going to come right out and address it right away. That's a wicked, crazy thing to address. Yeah. That's fucking nuts. Yeah. It address. Yeah. That's fucking nuts.

Yeah. It was poorly executed. It was poorly conceived. Yes, that too. Nobody, fucking Aaron Rodgers' brother couldn't have pulled off that hilarious gag. Speaking of, should we talk about his exit? Jordan? Yes.

What did he do? He just like fucking rolled up and was like. Well, he says, he's like, I know you must be nervous, but I want you to know that my parents met and got engaged within like two or three months and they've been married for 36 years. And then from their loins sprung Green Bay Packers all-star quarterback. No. This is what's classy about Jordan.

At no point in the night does he. He did not bring up his brother. He didn't tout his football record or his brother's football record. He did mention that he played pro on a few teams, but he didn't mention those teams. He did, but he really downplayed it. Was he quarterback? He must have been like... Yeah.

Third, second, third string, right? I don't know. How... Why did he fucking quit, man? We could have... He played for the Vikings, I think. I want to see the Panthers. I don't know.

We could have had another Manning family thing going, you know? Rogers v. Rogers. Luke showed up on a unicorn, which is to say a horse with a unicorn horn attached to it. It's like you don't even believe in the magic. Look at me in the eyes.

Do you believe in the magic? No. Do I believe in the magic? No. Do I believe in unicorns? No, I don't believe in unicorns. Oh, baby. Are you sure? I'm sure. I guess you've been all over the world.

You've seen it all then, huh? I mean... You've just seen everything this world's got to offer you, huh? I've never seen Africa, but I believe that it exists. There's a man that shows up dressed as Santa. This is very good. His name is Nick. This is a wonderful, refreshing spring breeze for me.

He's listed in the bio as Saint Nick under the screen. I'm glad that everybody had an opportunity to really look inside themselves and be really honest with themselves. really look inside themselves and say just like be really honest with themselves and it's it's it's a great thing about this television show is that it has the opportunity to make you sort of confront things about yourself like you see certain reflections of your characteristics in the show and so like everybody watching this had to like kind of peer within for a moment into their own little fun house mirror and say what i do i want to fuck Santa Claus? Do I want to fuck Sinterklaas? Do you think that's what everybody thought when they saw him?

Like, wait a minute. Wait a minute. Is this a good idea? And if so, which one would I want to do? The best thing about him being Santa Claus is he comes out with a bag of gifts and he goes, oh, Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe. This was wisely. Well, maybe the first piece of like excellent editing on part of the ABC producers. This was the like before the commercial, like fucking to be continued stinger.

And it was a doozy. Yeah, we we all we all lulled when that happened. Jordan took it in stride. Jordan was like, that's fucking great, man. You get a good costume going. You make her laugh. Yeah, we all lulled when that happened. Jordan took it in stride. Jordan was like, that's fucking great, man. You get a good costume going, you make her laugh. Like, yeah, I'm feeling Santa Claus. What did he give her as a gift? He gave her a little box.

I don't remember seeing what was in it. I forget what was in it. A card with his name, like his actual real non-Santa Claus name on it. By the way, I feel like we kind of danced around my question earlier. And I think the listeners are probably curious, which version of Santa Claus, because there's that miracle on 34th Street, like traditional-ass Coca-Cola Santa Claus, but then there's a lot of variety in there. There's Tim Allen.

There's virtual Tom Hanks. Wait, oh, wait. From the Polar Express? Okay. There's many Santa Clauses out there to choose from. Wait, I lost, are you asking me which Santa Claus I find most sexually attractive? Yeah, I guess so. When you put it that,

this is kind of a blunt way to put it, but yeah. Don't be afraid. And none is not an acceptable answer. Of course it's not an acceptable answer. I mean, I guess I like old real beard, Miracle on 34th Street. Yeah, that's not a bad one to go with. I mean, you gotta have a real beard.

No, that's fine. But poor Nick B got real sweaty in that santa costume he got really sweaty and there was a fucking amazing amazing our friend doesn't miss her i haven't seen him laugh that hard in a long time he like lost control of his body because she like like while they were like an hour and a half into the episode it was their first time talking she was sitting on his lap it's just like let's see that face. And took his hat and beard off for a second and a half.

And he smiled this big, goofy smile. Goofy Santa's grin. And she was like, all right. And then put the fucking beard and hat back on. I'm like, I think I prefer the digi Tom Hanks. Oh, you're yawning. You gotta pick it up. I'm sorry all right um

and then there was kind of a hodgepodge that i'll just go through real quickly because they come up again um nick s comes out and does the splits that was a weird nick s brought a very uncomfortable energy to the show peter came out with a stuffed heart and said he wanted to be her man crush Monday. He's the one in the tan suit in the big cast photo. In a lot of ways, I think is worse than damn Daniel. Robbie, old honeysuckle Robbie, offered her a bottle of wine, which she seemed to like. Okay, but you dropped the best part, the fucking amazing part. Did we draft Robbie? We didn't, did a bottle of wine which she seemed to like this okay but you dropped the best part the fucking amazing part did we draft robbie we didn't did we no we had the fucking

choice between thought about it but we didn't think he'd be a big point getter i forgot about this what robbie did that was so dope and he said in the in the fletcher family tradition and he just opened the bottle of wine and they both drank right out of it it was so good because that's what uh jojo's mom did on Hometowns. Yeah. Just like there's an amazing shot of JoJo's mom just like slamming a bottle of wine. Yeah. And I remember seeing that thinking like, this is the fucking best family. Why didn't we choose Robbie? We goofed up.

Because Robbie is too much of a sweetheart. I don't think he'll get us points. He'll get those basketball coach points, which is to say like 10 of them. Yeah. Vinny, the barber, comes out with an actual piece of toast and says that he wants to do a toast or something. I don't know. It was pretty gimmicky. Wells, this is the radio DJ that I was worried was there for the wrong reasons.

And I was so down with Wells, but you were so sour on him. He comes out and says, I brought some friends. These guys start to get out of the limo. We're like, I don't recognize these guys. Who are these guys? It's the band All For One. Who you may know from the song, I swear by the moon and the...

You're supposed to harmonize. And the sky, I'll be there. I'll be there I'll be there That's not how harmony works. Typically with harmony you sing at the same time. It was a power play. It was incredible.

It was funny. It was the guys in the house. They showed their reaction and none of them could even throw any shade. They were like, well shit, that's a great move. No no like yeah you you can't beat that um and then i would say the worst limo exit goes to will who has a bunch of note cards in his hand throws them up in the air and says oh no i've dropped them they're all out of order now. And then reads them out of order. And says like, I've been wanting to tell you this for a while that,

uh, I'm, and he flips the cards and he says the most beautiful woman I've ever seen. And he goes, Oh, I guess they're definitely out of order. And then I just like all the, just like all the blood came out of my body.

I just bled through every pore of my body. Everybody has a gimmick but it's best if you don't incorporate like a an action with the gimmick because then it just is uncomfortable for everyone there's some of this shit i just fucking dissolved number three like cringe shit i think number three was the note cards number two was damn daniel. Number two was Damn Daniel, who then later in the evening had to explain what the meme Damn Daniel was. And then number one was the dude

that made the fucking Asian penis joke. Yeah, Jonathan. Those were the top three highlights of things that made me want to die. And I'm pretty sure all three of those dudes made the first round cut. Which is insane. Yeah.

Or no, Jonathan didn't, right? Jonathan did not. Rip. Rip J-Bones. But Daniel did. Okay. And so did Will. The note cards guy.

The note cards guy. Some weird choices, Joge. But I get it. I get it. I feel like Joge maybe had a number of people that she had to send home this episode and it was a max cap and when she found out who the boys were she was disappointed that number was not much much higher because maybe half of these toilet people she could have handily excused and not had to worry about whether or not one of them

was her husband like i think like will and damn daniel she probably could have safely seen off and then 10 years from now she wouldn't wake up in a cold sweat and be like what if it was damn daniel yeah and then this brings up the question, and we, I think, all kind of believe in it, the producer pick, right? Like, there are people that don't seem to be at all frontrunners, but they end up staying week after week because they are motivated by the producers to keep them.

Big shout out, by the way, to the Censor Bar operator. Must be the same guy who was doing that work on Jillian a couple seasons back for his good work on Jonathan's kilt penis. Yes. Real good. It was so unnecessary. Like, it was obviously covering up the parts that pants would cover up, but back at it again with the white kids. So then we get to see the men kind of interact with each other during the cocktail party while Jojo is meeting them individually. They're all super nervous and they're all talking

about how nervous they are. And Jojo's starting to get kind of frustrated because she's like, you know, my first night when I met Ben, I felt this instant connection and all the guys here are so tense and I'm just not getting to to know them i wish they would just relax and then jordan shows up and jordan gives her his coat ask her how she's been the past few months yeah he actually brings up the fact that like she got this shit kind of dropped in her lap shit well the shit got picked up off kyla001's lap. Said like, this isn't your shit anymore. It doesn't belong in your lap. Yeah. It's going to be dropped on another lady's lap.

He was the only person that kind of bring that up and like. He's got like his hand on her back. And she tells us, the viewer, that he's just so confident and sexy. And he is. Ain't no doubt about that. Yeah. And he plays it real cool he says oh i do media and sports broadcasting and i retired a year ago from football and they go in for a hug and she gives him a little cheek kiss i don't know if you noticed that's when we knew

yeah and so they have a kind of a quick interaction. And then she goes on to the rabble. James F. gives her a boxing lesson. Will uses a cootie catcher to get a kiss from her. That was fucking horrible. Yeah. A cootie catcher is that game where like you do like there's a number and then the color and you do it the number thing. Yeah, it's a little you make a little paper puppet looking thing that you move in and out and they're sometimes called fortune tellers and then but on every fucking insert of this it's kiss jojo on it and he does it and she says oh are you if you're

if she has to say are you ready for that she doesn't want to fucking kiss you dog well and she even says like hopefully we'll have another better kiss. Like they both. Because that one stunk to high heaven. Yeah. So that's over. After it's over, Jordan shows up again. Jordan, not even after it's over. Jordan steals it away.

This is our first steal you away. Yeah. Which in our league is mad points. And Jordan was the first one to score him. Because Jordan was like, it seemed like you were having a fucking miserable time in there. I don't even know. Because that man in there, that adult man in there,

kissed you and used a cootie catcher as an excuse to get the kiss on your mouth. How did they end up kissing? Because they started kissing and I don't even remember how it started. It's like two fucking war buddies in the trench and they just survived.

It's like after the beaches of normandy like all those soldiers on d-day the surviving ones just started fucking kissing each other because it was like that sucked it did suck bill got his fucking arm blown off and he died i know it sucked jim got his whole bottom half is gone reginald got his whole body blown off. This sucks. Let's kiss. Jonathan lost his kilt. Jonathan lost his kilt. Let's kiss. Yes.

And then they just start kissing. And they kiss. And it goes on for a little while. And then it ends and they're both very pleased. What? They're both very pleased? And they weren't very pleased. I find that equitable.

Yes, we should do that again sometime. Yes. And then he walks away and she watches him walk away and she goes, his butt? His butt. His butt? I'm going to have to start doing squats. To like compete? She like looks like she's going to swoon.

Well, just because, you know, he's got a shapely tone behind do not doubt it and she feels the need to kind of keep up with the rogers's wisconsin that milk fed ass he's got that wisconsin milk fed ass somebody please extract that and turn it into just like a cool remix i tweeted at aaron rogers during this show like bro your bro is handsome as fuck yeah you got a handsome bro yeah he's gonna get your back to your back was he like thanks he did not i just all i want in this world is a tweet from aaron rogers yeah i know uh so yeah so jojo clearly locked in um then she goes and and meets up with wells again and they're sitting on a bench all for one is still singing behind them wells is amazing i really like wells that's probably i think my two i i'm sad we didn't

draft wells i'm sad we didn't draft robbie um i think i'm more sad about wells because this interaction where all for one was just singing he's like this is just like our life if you end up with me like all for one's just like always behind me i'll be like making a sandwich and i'll just be like they'll be singing the whole time i'm making the sandwich yeah that's fucking great that's good stuff wells he looks different than he looked on his bio picture on the website now he does i can't explain he looks like he's a super handsome dude and i thought i'd tell you something yeah i'm still not convinced he's there for the right reasons well baby he didn't bring up his fucking radio show he didn't bring up anything i'm sure he did and they just didn't show it nobody brings out all for one and doesn't get

asked a question of how did you get all for one here i guess so i think he's there for the right reasons all right well he just has this like crazy hookup and he's got to use it like some dude brought a kilt and where do you even get a kilt unless you know somebody yeah they're expensive as hell man we rented them for justin's wedding like where do you even go to rent a kilt? Online. Kilt.org. You can do better than that. Fucking plaid boy skirts at tassels.gov. That's much better. Scottish.

All right. Butt and ding dong umbrellas. Oh, Griffin you're just gonna end up editing this out dot biz is that your last one wiener tablecloths gingham wiener tablecloths at websites don't have at in them yeah you have to fucking send an email to gingham wiener tablecloths at websites don't have at in them yeah you have to fucking send an email to gingham wiener tablecloths at rosebuddies.pizza that's good uh this next jojo sits down with chad by the fire um and she gets very excited about chad uh and they have a conversation in which she comes away thinking that he's very vulnerable and then chad tells us the viewer if i'd wanted her i'd have her and then he starts telling us about how he's like the ben but he's a more rugged ben yeah um this whole episode he's been talking like i'm not impressed by any

of these boys yeah he's he's like he's the villain yeah villain's gonna be he's the one they turn to shad's gonna shad after something crazy happens and chad just talks like mad smack about anybody uh yes and then daniel explains damn daniel this was the worst moment. I've had some really bad moments in my life. He was like, hey, have you been on the internet at all? And she's like, oh, is somebody doing like a damn JoJo YouTube? And she's like totally out of her

depth. And he's like, no, no, no, let me tell you about it. Back at it again with the white vans. You know, there's a damn Daniel thing. And that was kind of what i based my thing for you on was that and my name is daniel so i just did that because you should see the internet and it was so bad it was really really really and we went immediately from that to a montage of all the drinking that people are doing in particular Daniel

can I say though can you fucking blame Daniel if I had that bad of an interaction with like a stranger at Costco I would get fucked up that night because it's just to like sort of move on from it if I did it with somebody who

had been brought onto a television show to court romantically and sexually and that was sort of my opening that was the biggest yawn i've ever seen anyone do stop um if i had done that on a sexual television show a sexual television show that i was a competitor is that what we're in the business of now is commenting on sexual television shows? We're not not in the business of sex shows. I'm just saying that was probably it was the worst moment of my life. And I'm like 18 degrees removed from that situation.

It was definitely the worst moment of Daniel's life. So we needed to loosen up. Is it worse than later in the night when Daniel pokes Evan in the belly button? And Evan tries to give him the benefit of the doubt that it's a Canadian thing. The old Canadian greeting. So much so, it caused such a stir that James F. was like,

oh yeah, no man, you don't touch anybody in the belly button. There's no good reason to poke a dude's belly button. There's a hundred good reasons to poke a dude's belly button. Number one, they've got something in there. Number two, they've got an adorable little tummy and they're the pillsbury dough boy number three if they're cosplaying as the pillsbury dough boy that's that one's fucking obvious treasure troll uh and then daniel removes his coat to show everyone his very short tie this fucking time it was so short this fucking mr potato head situation this dude had going on and i'm not

a style expert you know what i mean well i'm not a fashion guru i would say but when your your tie looks like fucking fruit roll up yeah you did a bad job with it and then he takes his clothes off we get to see him do a little posing uh we see his underwear which he assures everybody is quote male underwear see because judge sees him says is that a thong and he goes no it's male underwear okay you just described a broad spectrum of garments and then he jumps into the pool first one in there's a lot of shade thrown at him for this but just like pools there for a reason and then he's like so drunk that after he gets out of the pool he stands around like he continues to stand around in his underwear as if like maybe if i just keep leaning into this people will think i'm a crazy fun party

guy but he didn't you just kind of stood there yeah nobody seemed like drawn. You didn't have any particular party magnetism. No. And then this is when we see a parade of drunk men interrupt JoJo when she is doing interviews. She is back in another room kind of doing the solo work that Bachelorettes and Bachelors do. Nick S. barges in, brings her a water with lemon, and then clearly has no reason to be there and is surprised that he is interrupted.

As he's walking out the door, he literally, not literally, but basically tags out and Vinny comes in, also drunk, and tries to talk to JoJo. This was bad. there was like a good there's like a good five minutes of this episode a good five minute segment where it was just like

this season is just gonna be a ferris wheel where every car is full to brim wheel where every car is full to brim with just garbage you know what's crazy though so nick goes home which yeah i get that vinny does not for some reason well vinny's a handsome boy is he he's yes you love that lineup that's what it does for you sharp lineup dude you could like i could i could measure and cut wood using that lineup as, like, a straight edge. You could set him face down on a deck and figure out whether it was level. Absolutely, I could. And then we get a clip of

Ali playing Fur Elise. This was insane. They were playing Fur Elise, and, like, JoJo was awestruck. And, like, a lot of the people that we were watching with were like it's amazing. It was a good version of the second song you learn to play on piano.

Yeah. Cause your first song is either Chopsticks or Let It Be by the Beatles and then your second one's Fur Elise. Uh should we tell our listeners the great joke that our friend Anna made? I would love to hear the great joke that our friend anna made i would love to hear the great joke our friend anna made because i've forgotten it oh okay uh so ali's playing the piano

we all recognize it as for alice the second song you learned to play on piano she says see you had me take the note but i didn't hear the context you know the joke now that i've gotten closer to it i think she just said hey guys for alice yeah and i was like i would think i was like full tilt you literally told me you were like write that down rachel i was rolling i was rolling on that one um yeah good joke anna uh fucking slammed out um and then just a few final notes before the rose ceremony. James Taylor gets some nice moments with her where she thinks he's a kind soul. He does some good stuff. He's putting on a good game. I think the Texas sort of team.

Yeah, he's from Texas. She's from Texas. I think most of the dudes from Texas are actually going to do pretty well. That particular demo seemed to score pretty high with her. Speaking of which, Luke gives her really nice cowboy boots, which she also likes. That's kind of a crazy gift, right? I think that would be a good game. I think if I was on Bachelorette, which I'm not planning on doing, but if I was on Bachelorette, which I'm not, like, planning on doing, but if I was,

can you just bring, like, an iPhone 6? You know what I mean? Because, like, those boots are several hundred dollars. Yeah, I think the point is that, like, it's a personal, like, this is representative of my hometown. Fuck that. Fuck that. Maybe you're from Cupertino.

I'm from Cupertino. Here's an iPhone 7. Check this shit out. It's got Siri 2. I brought Griffin. My name is Rachel. I'm 34. I brought you a big screen TV.

Thank you. Because I know that you watch things, and I also watch things, and maybe with this big TV, we can watch them together. That's such a sweet thought. Does it do 4K? It does all the Ks. Oh my God, it does 8K? More Ks than you can imagine. It does 56K dial-up?

Up or down? Up and down? Yes my god what a fast little modem this little tv's got on it um jordan gets the first impression rose of course he does no surprise he's got that tight ass his fucking firm cheeks and that like, his cheeks are fucking firm. He's like Aaron Rodgers, but thinner, younger, with more hair. His butt's got those dimples that you know you want. We don't know that his butt has dimples. I can see it through those dirty, nasty khakis. Oh, God.

And then, don't even get me started on the crack do you think that's what ladies are looking for is not just like nice butt dimples but like a good crack you don't want that crack to go too high that would be crazy but you also don't want it to be too deep do you have you ever seen a crack that like goes up above way too. Way too high. Above the belt line. Yeah. Why are you laughing? I'm just picturing a butt. Or a crack. That's like two long ears on a droopy dog.

Two long ears on a droopy dog. The crack goes up to like your fucking C4 vertebrae. And then we get a little bit of a scare because it's rose ceremony time jojo's standing there with a platter of roses daniel drowns no fucking chance and it's sad you get scared because it's like there's a body in the pool and it's like oh it's damn daniel it's like oh well if anyone no daniel is fine. And he gets to stay another week somehow. Somehow. Well, we know how. Those deuces.

No, you know who shows up in his own limo is Jake Pavelka, bachelor from the season of On the Wings of Love with Vienna, in which they had a very public nasty breakup. Very bad breakup. Watch that again tonight just to sort of refresh my memory of who Jake was. because i you saw him and it's like oh jake pavelka i was like oh that name sounds familiar and i googled him i was like oh that's right this guy's a shit fire well and his brother was also a trainer on biggest loser that one season his brother was fine yeah no he was but it was just jake pavelka was just a rotten filth person and so we worry

and the producers do a great job because he comes out and jojo's like he's like a really close family friend like he's like a brother to me and we are all getting super nervous and he starts to say i really want you to find love and i think it's in that room and we're like oh fuck you jim fuck this show good and he's like you know i know you and you know and i and i know how you are and just don't throw your walls up and good luck turnabout's fair play but this show is absolute this this was i think i tweeted out a series of hateful things about the television show the bachelor bachelorette at this point because this was the producers being like hey you know how we've done like this dumb shit every season for the past four seasons uh this time

we're just kind of we're gonna goof on you only this time it was like jake buvelka's 40s early late 40s what would you say early 40s yeah no he's outs? What would you say, early 40s? Yeah. No, he's out of the game. He's out the game. He's out of JoJo's game for certain. This was a bad bit. I think we all collectively breathed a sigh of relief for not to be a goofy goof. Griffin made the point when we were watching, and it's true.

It's become a trope where every season somebody comes back and says, oh, hey, you know what? I really have always liked you, and I want to vie for your love, and here I am. And so you're almost expecting it now. Last season, it was two of the women. There were two women who came back last season. Yeah, Amber was one of them. Amber and, oh, shit, the runner-up from chris's season oh shoot what was her name the the all i can remember is she was a virgin and i know that's

bad becca becca yes yes and the season before that was nick v and then the season before that i forget um fucking weirdo mike michael no fuck that wasn't the same it's happened a lot yeah so like they're obviously playing on that but this was not even close to being sellable because like if this season if one of the angles of this season have been like there's a like a 45 year old dude this like what 45 year old friend who she says is like her brother an old family friend who's like her brother, who's like. Although we know that she is very close with brothers. Maybe a thing for her. And that she likes older men.

Because she would have sex with Santa Claus. I think that's shitty that she would hook up with Santa Cruz. But wouldn't even give Jake Pavelka the time of day. We got to wrap this podcast up. All right. So who goes home? So Coley, the one who I thought looked like a character from Avatar, went home. In the arms.

Jake. Not Pavelka, the other one. Who is an architect. The architect. Jonathan in the kilt. You fucking had that one coming, bro, with your shitty badass jokes not badass in the good way like literally the way asses are bad sometimes nick s who got really drunk you shouldn't offer a shitty lemon water that's where you goofed up that's where you lost it interview times private

time peter in the tan suit i don't even have anything to say about you peter that's where you goofed up and And Sal, who I didn't mention earlier, who came out and handed her two blue balls and asked her to hold them on his limo exit, he also went home. Just fucking crying. Like, I don't know where I got it wrong.

Allow me to put a clinic on for you, Sal. You'd made a balls joke coming out of the car where you come out to begin the show. Like the Lambo guy got to stay.

The lamp damn Daniel got to stay. Vinny who got drunk and interrupted her interview got to stay. That lineup's so crisp. Your blue balls got you sent home.

Your blue balls got you sent. Well, that's fine. And the other sad thing that you'll notice if you watch is these, especially when there are this many contestants, these cocktail parties go on so long that when the contestants are leaving, it is morning. It is daylight morning. It wasn't just morning. It was probably 11.30 a.m. It was brunch time.

They put all the lights away. There was no need. The sunlight was more than enough. They fucking got in the limo, got out of theo and went to howard johnson's for lunch howard johnson's ahojos don't they do breakfast lunch brunch i mean i guess so but of all the places you could have mentioned i hop would have been more relatable or denny's or mcdonald's another sponsor a year ago they could have gone to McDonald's and they would not be serving breakfast anymore. That is how late these folks are. Well, now they do the all-day breakfast.

Should we go back? They do the all-day breakfast, as we've learned from the Bachelor-themed commercials. So that was the first episode, y'all. A confession. A dark confession. We drafted our third team member. We did not watch it at a house that had DVR.

So we all drafted our third team members. And that third round draft went a little bit long. And we had the TV turned off so we didn't accidentally watch. And we didn't want to spoil. We didn't want to watch the season preview before we drafted our third team member. Because we thought that would be an unfair advantage. So we missed the first half of it. And we literally just drove home and started recording this podcast because it's tomorrow um uh so you dear listener know more about this season of the bachelorette than we do

we will say okay so we will watch it before we record our next episode just to have a more so we drafted jordan as we mentioned we drafted luke which is going to be a huge get gonna be fucking huge dude and we drafted chad so that's a controversial choice but like we've changed the way that the rules work where bad boy points will get you just as much good boy and boy are we glad we did because what portions of the teaser that we did see uh included a lot of chad chad and i think i saw jordan with like a busted nose or lip situation i don't know that was jordan i i couldn't tell it was again we didn't have dvr so we could not record it but it's definitely chad getting like in the fucking mix yeah and we have like points

for physical altercations um so like the idea with this season is and it was something we tinkered with last season last season was the first season where, based on Chris Plant's idea to make the bad contestant points, like, a positive instead of a negative, we've leaned even further in that direction. So that it's essentially an even playing field. Anything you do, good or bad, equal amount of points. So if you get somebody who's good with JoJo but bad with the rest of the boys that's like two sources of income essentially so i think chad i think chad could pay off very well i think we may regret not locking down um the dj yeah maybe robbie depending on how well it's hard to tell when they show you teasers it's i mean unless you see some of them out of the country which is usually a good suggestion they make it pretty far but it's hard to tell when they show you teasers. I mean, unless you see some of them out of the country, which is usually a good suggestion, they make it pretty far. But it's hard to tell the footage you're looking at.

Is it from the next episode? Yeah. Or is it from five weeks from now? That score of Jordan and Luke is like, I feel so good about it. And we're the only team that has both of them. Yeah. Which is like sick and the thing with Luke

there was something about his limo exit you know she was very intrigued by him and he did this perfect dance of being like oh hey yeah no it's really nice to meet you you know what I'll tell you more about myself inside and just kind of got out and got out

so fast he got off of a horse with a unicorn on it yeah horn not another second horse there's not a second equine um and like any other dude would have been like oh good good good good is this great look at this horse i got this fucking dude had the most amazing combination of like... He was like, oh, the horse is named Coconut. Anyway, I'll see you inside. Anyway, fuck you. Bye. Like the most amazing like... Yeah, I came in on a unicorn.

What's the fucking big deal? I'm Luke. Later, deuces. Those nice cowboy boots. Whatever. I'm Luke. Don't even talk to me. Here's a $500 pair of cowboy boots.

It's like, which way are you coming at me from? You're coming at me from like hot and cold and unicorn and cowboy boots. She was so into it. She was so fucking into it. I'm just, I'm a little nervous that he needs that quick exit because he is not a man of a lot of substance. Yeah, but I don't give a fuck. You get a hundred kisses, Luke. Yeah.

Then you've earned your keep in the McElroy household. Yeah. And this is why, so we almost pick Robbie cause sweet honeysuckle Robbie. Just you just fucking wine joke was like, so that was like, that to me, that was the funniest moment of the episode. Cause that joke,

that was the only thing I remember about Jojo's hometown is that her mom slammed wine from the bottle. And I remember thinking like this woman rules. Uh, and then for him to bring that up to her fucking face during the limo, it was so funny. He,

he gave a real good impression and she was a big fan uh but he doesn't seem like someone who's gonna get a lot of points he did a lot of like commenting on what other dudes were doing and didn't do a lot of like swoop swooping in there you need somebody that'll give the smooches that'll do the swearing you know that'll that'll go in for you know, that'll go in for, you know, all the points. I referenced the basketball coach. I think that's like the best sort of equivalent here. Yeah, what season was that? That was Caitlyn.

It was Caitlyn's season. You remember he did like the half court behind the back shot? I thought it was even before Caitlyn. I think it was Caitlyn's season. Maybe Andy's, but I think it was Caitlyn's season. Yeah. Brian was his name and like we it was it was kind of funny and he was like a super nice like super sincere dude but like i think we had him on our team and he scored us like nothing yeah and then he did

that half court shot and kissed her on the basketball court that's the thing about last season that was so frustrating for like half the season is to like you gotta fucking get in the game if you want to if you want to like i don't think that was caitlin i think it was older maybe it feels older if you gotta be i'm not even talking about the bachelor i'm talking about the last season the bachelor with um with ben ben higgins is like for the first half of the season none of the women were in the game like nobody was going after stealing him like everybody was waiting on him to come to them to like start their conversations nobody was like getting into it um and i just don't think that's gonna be a problem with this season the bachelorette because these boys are rowdy garbage bags they're garbage bags caught in the wind they're fucking woodstock 99

like three days after once all the like garbage has settled and the water ran out the water ran out and like all the garbage has settled into the mud and then people made fucking snowmen out of them and then they came to life frosty style and then entered the Bachelorette. I fucking love this sewer that we've made for ourselves. How are you feeling about JoJo? Let's talk about JoJo, because that butt line was so good to me. I was already so pro-JoJo. So she said that butt line, and Griffin turns to me, and he's like, are you on board now?

What's it gonna take? Let's talk about it. What's it gonna take? Okay, alright, you wanna know? Yeah, I wanna know what it's gonna take. It's more than just a butt line. Anybody can say a butt line. Those balls, man, they're so cool. I'm JoJo.

I need somebody who A, makes some moves moves make some choices some tough choices okay uh b a little sassy gets a little sassy i think she's gonna get a little sassy well i i need to see it no but look one two three and then who's your favorite one two three oh we've talked about this like multiple times it's emily she's so sassy and so good and so sassy and won't stand for shit and like knew what she wanted and like see somebody who knows her worth somebody that's like hey i deserve better yeah that was emily all over emily is so good if you if you have not watched that season it was a good season it was the only season I think I've watched that ended essentially early.

Because Emily was like, I don't want to do the proper both of them propose to me thing. I know who I want, and that's who I'm going to have. She's so good. And I think JoJo's got potential. Yeah, I mean, she has potential. Caitlin had potential, too. But they didn't. I don't think she was given the opportunity to let that potential show.

Maybe, I don't know if you feel this way, but I know for me, when I'm watching a woman in a driver's seat, I want her to step up. No, definitely. And I don't know if you felt that way with Ben, and Ben probably fulfilled a lot of your expectations. I mean, Ben was very, very dry. I don't think Ben fulfilled... um ben was i mean ben was very very dry i don't think ben fulfilled the only like expectation it was not one that i expected to have was just ben did not like equivocate at all like that we've joked about ben the axe man a lot it's rare to see any like on either men or women uh who are just like yeah you're fucking gone you're. You're gone. You're gone.

You're gone. Like robotic, like sorting hat style, just like cold one between the shoulder blades, gets rid of people that they know that they're not into. Ben sent you on your way. And not a lot of people do that. But that was like the only thing that he really had going for him. Emily was kind of full package. Emily might be my favorite person to do this game.

I got nervous in the bit of the teaser that I did see because there was a lot of JoJo crying. That's fucking every, all these teasers are the same. Which I'm not saying is necessarily a bad thing, but I would have felt a lot better if there was some footage of her. More boys crying?

Well, just, and yeah, and putting the smack down we may miss that because we did miss most of the teaser that's true um i i will say every one of these season-long teasers is designed so that and i'm sure if we went back and listened to what would that would have been the first episode of Rosebuddies, right? We were talking about Ben's first episode. It's designed to make it look like somebody fucking dies. Like somebody just murders somebody else. Remember the mysterious black eye that never surfaced in last season? Yes, that showed up in the teaser.

And then literally was never addressed during the actual... I started thinking about that when they were showing this teaser. And there was blood all over the place. This one this one's gotta be so it could be two different things right okay so we saw two different things we saw uh a dude with blood on his nose and mouth let's let's break it down in three shots dude with no no no because i think this is important and i want to put my prediction i'm putting my stake in the ground right now all right we saw a shot of a dude with blood on his nose and mouth who i thought was jerry jerry not jeremy jordan jordan i don't think it is we saw a fist with like blood and scratches yes like it looks like a punch punch room they punched somebody and then it got bad

and then we saw a shirt covered in blood i think the shirt covered in blood is a different thing from those other two shots. Like somebody got like, somebody like banged their head or something. There was like some sort of accident. I'm not saying there's not a fight this season. There might be a fight this season. Maybe they go on a painting date and somebody just gets red-painted.

I'm saying, no joke. I would not fucking put it past this show. Or like an acting murder mystery kind of thing. They have a fucking spaghetti sauce date. Yeah. And then they edit that into the preview to make it look like somebody gets gut shot. Yeah, I that that's that's what these teasers do yeah it's never as dramatic as the teasers make it seem um this is a i'm so excited and i don't know if it's just

because like uh we got a good group of buds together to watch it or um i love our team or people are all over the country watching this people are all over watching the country we got so many tweets from people who were like i'm watching this the first time ever um if if abc comes out and says this is our most watched season premiere ever we'll know we'll know and you'll know what's up um maybe it's i've had like 10 drinks tonight but i'm feeling so good about this season i am i'm like jenny i'm so excited i like jojo a lot of these boys are just absolute hyenas you are the sleepiest i've ever seen a single person please stop um thank you all for listening to rose buddies it's going to be an amazing season of television

content what are we going to do we'll be in town next week we'll have an episode next week week after that we're going to have to figure something out yeah we will be traveling a little bit this summer June's going to be batshit but we'll get around we'll never skip an episode we'll just

I may have to teach you how to record an episode then we do one remotely it's going to be fucking bad yeah Griffin's going to be in LA for a week I may have to teach you how to record an episode, then we do one remotely. Oh, yeah. It's going to be fucking bad. Yeah, Griffin's going to be in LA for a week, and we will still have to record somehow. Yeah. So that'll be interesting. I'll walk you through it.

I'll set it up. But yeah, I'm so excited for this season. Thank you all for joining us for Rose Buddies. I hope you're doing a fantasy league. I hope it's going well. Hot picks, I think, include definitely Jordan, definitely Luke. fantasy league i hope it's going well hot picks i think include definitely jordan definitely luke um and also you guys if you watched tonight and were just miserable like feel proud of watching the first episode and don't feel like you need to continue you don't have to pressure yourself

just feel like i got to meet everybody saying this specifically for for lynn manuel who's been tweeting at me all night like my bones have left my my skeleton jumped out of my body this show isn't for everybody we understand that like i said at the top it's a hot it's a hot wild toilet mess um but if you hey if you had a good time you're just like us and welcome to the club welcome to the aureal monsters fucking sewer society um but yeah thank you all for listening to Rose Bites. Thanks for sharing it. I hope you hang with us for the season.

It's going to be a fucking frog and toad's wild ride. You know, did Chris Harrison even come out tonight and say when you're ready? He was in the least amount of this show he's ever been. Oh, man, I hate it. Like 63 seconds. I hate it so much. I hate it so much. I hate it so much. There was actually a really good bit where there's a Bachelor superfan who I don't even think we had time to talk about.

And now we can't because you just yawned for literally 12 seconds. And the Bachelor superfan, like, got to meet Chris Harrison. And it was a really uncomfortable interaction. It was. But that was, like, that was at the very end. That was, like, post-credits. That one's going to show up on the fucking Tide awkward moment. The bleachable moment.

The bleachable moment. Anyway, thanks for listening to the podcast. I'm Griffin McElroy. I'm Rachel McElroy. When you're ready. Stay with us on this journey of joy. Spoiler alert. She is up with Soulja Boy. Right reasons, right reasons to be good for all of our seasons.