Wonderful! - Episode 23: Gary Oldman from The Fifth Element

Episode Date: June 8, 2016

Breathe in deep the fresh Pennsylvania air, and bellow out the first stanza of the Song of Chad. We're covering a very special two-episode chunk of The Bachelorette; a chunk that promised us lots and lots of man-on-man punching. How much man-on-man punching? We don't want to spoil it for you, but literally none. MaxFunDrive ends on March 29, 2024! Support our show now by becoming a member at maximumfun.org/join.

Maybe you should go and do some contemplating. Right reasons, right reasons, being a good girl for all the right reasons. Right reasons, right reasons, being a good girl for all the right reasons. I'm the Bachelorette and I'm rapping to your poolside. Here to find true love, one man from the whole wide world. Hi, this is Rachel McElroy. Hi, this is Griffin McElroy. This is Rose Buddies. I sound like two hams.

Two wet hams that have been pressed together. And somebody's blowing into them as though they were going to make a fart noise. And that someone is Harvey Fierstein. And that someone is Harvey Fierstein. He's making ham farts. He's got an artificial ham diaphragm. A diaphragm. And he's making fart noises with it.

And he's talking about this double episode special. Gang, I feel like a Harvey Fierstein ham fart right now. But these two episodes of television are too important for us to not put out an episode of the podcast. This is going to be an unusual episode because both of us will be stone cold sober i hate it what's griffin drinking tea tea oh yeah a little bit of that irish tea no just tea you know for survival um we got a lot to talk about this week guys we sure do um the first thing we should talk about probably is that we will not have an episode next week just get that out of the way just like rip that band-aid off there's no episode of the bachelor next week and that's fucking perfect actually because i'll be at e3 um so yeah we were going

to have to bring in a a guest host to but we good we got your spot but it looks like there's no episode to discuss this week we have a lot to talk about this week because there's a double episode two header double episode special and kind of a triple episode like they definitely it has a cliffhanger yeah so they're like definitely it's going to be a triple episode special and then they're just going to keep that combo going as long as there's to be continued to go around yeah just a few quick things that came up with that cliffhanger after the monday night episode uh you only redraft after rose ceremonies. Yeah, no matter where it comes in the episodes.

And we had to make that rule after the last couple seasons because the last couple seasons is where they started doing these. Yeah, Caitlyn's season especially. Every episode on Caitlyn's season. Maybe it's more common on The Bachelorette. Yeah, maybe. But yeah, you draft after the rose ceremonies. So, for instance, if somebody goes home during a one-on-one

or perhaps a two-on-one or perhaps a two-on-one day you wait until the next rose ceremony to draft back up um let's get into rachel mcelroy sing me the ballad of chad the first stanza of the ballad of chad well do we not want to go chronologically through i don don't. If there were other boys. There were other boys. If there was other boys. All right. Let's start unpacking.

Okay. I feel my spirits are buoyed. So this first episode on Monday night starts off with the aftermath of the previous night's cocktail party. A ham mess was everywhere yeah there were meat plates um by the way mad props big shout outs to our friends dan and shana who showed up to this episode viewing party with just a big little cutting board with some cold cuts on it yeah kick that fucking glass of water over yeah all over that rug what What do we do? Should we stop? Well, why don't you talk and I'll get a towel and clean up your drunk mess.

It's just water. You're a disaster. The one thing that was nice about this two-part doubleheader series of episodes is that we got to see a lot more Chris Harrison. episodes is that we got to see a lot more Chris Harrison. So I will say that one thing that was fun was that when we cut to the aftermath of the cocktail party, there's a lot of toilet paper everywhere. And we get to see Chris Harrison play at cleaning up the toilet paper, which if he's only going to be on camera for three minutes an episode, you got to believe he's not cleaning up toilet paper.

But it was a fun goof. You don't know that. That might be a part of his contract i'm having to talk in your mic by the way because i'm cleaning up your water mess um thank you for doing that it's a lot like it was all the full cup i know it was you want me to get you more water because now you don't have anything to drink i would kind of like more water good lord that's not your towel, is it? It is. Why did you do that? I don't need any backseat rug drying. Okay. Monday morning rug drying. So this episode really sets up the Chad and Daniel romance, or bromance, some might call it.

We get to see them talk about working out and working on their back and abs, which they affectionately call Babs. And then Chris Harrison drops off a date card, and the date card is for Chase. And so Chase gets to go on a yoga date with JoJo. And I'm going to pause here because I have a feeling griffin will want to weigh in i just got to the place where yoga date yes uh the look on chase's face and he realized the subject matter of this date there is no there was no hiding this uh uh uh like fucking mission impossible facial prosthesis would not mask the disappointment on Chase's face when he found out he would be doing the hottest, screamiest, most upsetting to watch yoga I've ever seen in my entire

life. JoJo says that she has always wanted to try yoga and has never done it. And she still hasn't, because I don't know what the fuck they did in there. But that was not yoga, as I call it. It starts out, they're laying on their backs. Do British people call it yoga? I would assume so. Because they call it. It starts out, they're laying on their backs. Do British people call it yoga? I would assume so. Because they call yogurt.

Probably Canadians, too. They call yogurt, yogurt. Well, first the yoga instructor, air quotes around yoga, asks if they've been intimate, which is an uncomfortable question for them. You hit that? If they've been intimate, which is an uncomfortable question for them. You hit that? And then they lay on their backs and thrust their pelvis and say, hey, hey, hey, hey. And why?

I guess if I were to start with one question, I mean, why were they doing that? Yeah, it's not clear. It's not clear is the problem. And then she instructs them through a tantrum exercise in which she encourages them to shake their bodies and yell in what she calls is a angergasm. That's first of all, the only kind of orgasm that chad can have it's good thank you uh but it's also sadly not a thing and if it were a thing if we were to live in a fantasy world where that were a thing it would not be a yoga thing it wouldn't be a yoga no what would it be griffin it wouldn't be a yoga thing i it would be a like it would be like i don't know some form of like juggalo sign language or something like

that but it wouldn't be a thing like i'm trying to get my chill on and trying to lower my fucking blood pressure in here because i live a very very very stressful like fast-paced life and i just came in here like bend my body up and like get chill and connect with with buddha in this yoga studio i certainly don't want to hear somebody like having a scream gasm in the other oh and it was hot yoga by the way it was like 100 degrees in there so they are sweaty do you think yoga places when like hot yoga became like a thing they're like oh ty we don't have to pay for air conditioning anymore i bet uh and then they do something called a yub yum um which was which was my favorite ewok there can you name some ewoks wicket is like the only one that people know i think there was one called jub jub yeah yeah but wicket was like the main one i feel like that was also the name of a simpsons

character maybe it was the name of selma's lizard oh yeah um so this was uh they made love i've seen i i i think that there are situations that people could enter into where there is penile insertion that is less uh less intimate as this was because this was she's he sat down she straddled him while he was sitting should we do the rest of the podcast in that pose i would get you sick i don't want to do that to you that's true i don't want to do that um yeah the the purpose is to put your hearts in alignment and to put your third eye in alignment. And to put your penis and her vagina onto alignment. Needless to say, they end up smooching in this pose. And then they go to a vineyard where they have dinner.

Chase reveals that he is a family of divorce. He is a one-man family of divorce okay yeah you're right that phrasing is confusing his elbow broke things off with his forearm and his finger kids have to have get two christmases now okay um he gets a rose here comes uncle leg he says he gets a rose they go see a band which um is apparently the singer from lady antebellum charles kelly do you know that for sure did you google that because one of her friends said it yeah no i confirmed it okay uh and they dance that's good research baby you're welcome i didn't thank you for it would you would you thank you for it thank you for the research thank you

no no you don't thank me for thanking oh god we gotta go over we gotta listen to schmann or something so then it's on to group date time this is all that matters to me and early in the series um the group dates have a lot a lot a lot of people uh later of course when there's less people they get more sparse but this this group date has jordan grant wells james f christian ali daniel vinnie nick evan alex and chad the chad is in this one i forget which one this was um oh my god no of course i don't forget which one this was this was the best this was a fucking all time this was such a good one yeah we thought here were the the phases that we went to they were brought into a theater relatively small like black box theater what's wrong well there's more stuff

to talk about before we get there sorry sorry sorry what happens uh chad throws a little fit because he's bummed he's going on a group date with all these other bros um and chad talks about maybe not going because he's like i don't want to go if there's as many other guys so the other boys who and this was not in like a um like a playful like jubilee way um from ben's season when she was like i don't know about this which was like just joking chad was like no i don't want to go on a date with 16 other boys no that's not chad yeah there were there were dudes who like hadn't had a one-on-one yet though and also were not on this group date and knew that they weren't going to get a date and

so it was a little shitty yeah and this is where they start to get personal on the attacks. Jordan makes some comment about saying, oh, well, Chad better hope that it's a weightlifting competition and not a spelling bee. And this is when Chad really goes after Jordan and says, like, you're a 27-year-old failure. You're a failed football player. Yeah. Like, you've done nothing with your life. I would actually argue if you ever make it to the pros, like, in any conceivable way, you are actually a very successful football player compared to, like, the 99.999% of collegiate and high school football players who never make it that far. But, you know, I might just be a little defensive because he's the brother of your beloved Aaron

Rogers. Yeah. And then Alex starts to join in the attack on Chad. And then Chad gives Alex a real stare down for a very long time. A lot of people call a lot of other people pieces of shit. Yes, exactly. Lots of that. And those are swear points.

Those are good swear points. My boy Chad racked up that five point cap like every fucking episode. Yeah. Love it. Okay, now they go to the black box theater and um a lady comes out on stage and begins making groaning noises so we're like when they walked in the theater was like oh my god is this gonna be a stand-up challenge please god no anything else and then the woman walked out and started to make an orgasm sound not a not

a yellgasm not a chadgasm a regular one um and then i thought because i'm kind of unfamiliar with the subject matter but i thought it was the vagina monologues and then i was yeah i was the most excited i've ever been in my whole life griffin you know that i was in the vagina monologues right i do which one did you do, though? For two years in college. Wait, two years? Was it a fucking like a repertory, just like every month you guys would put that on? The Feminist Alliance would put it on every year. And for two years in a row, I did it.

Which one did you do? Because he liked to look at it. Okay. The only one I think I really know is where the woman tries to, she says the P word. The C word, yeah. A lot. That's called reclaiming C word. Reclaiming C word, okay.

And apparently I don't know it that well. What is because he likes to look at it about, if you don't mind me asking? Well, this is going to be uncomfortable. Okay. mind me asking um well this is gonna be uncomfortable okay uh a woman grows to uh appreciate and love her own vagina because a man uh makes her feel like it is beautiful oh well that's very nice yeah it is nice that's uncomfortable well but you know it's not usually the kind of thing we talk about on the podcast not on rose buddies podcast like to think. Okay.

Just wait. Just wait until that fantasy suite. That's referring to how sex-positive we really are. Speaking of sex-positive. Holy shit, this date. Okay, for real, though. For real, real, real. For real, real, real.

I cannot fucking believe that this date was allowed to happen. I don't know how it came about. I can't figure that out. Because there were a lot of explicit references to cunnilingus. Yeah, they really had to edit down this episode because there was a lot of content they could not show. But they definitely defo left a lot in. And it's like, cool, ABC, a product of the disney that's like rad so this is so this is something called sex talks um where individuals get on stage in front of an audience to talk about

sex and all the men on this group date and there are a lot of them are instructed to tell sex stories on there's a little um bit with jojo that was very that was like a weird like i'm so down with it but it was like a weird um a thing for uh the main bachelor or bachelorette to say which is like sex is awesome and i think we should be able to just like talk about sex and like not have it be like a big deal because it's like it's a part of every relationship when typically this show treats it as like this especially with the bachelorette yeah we're i mean we had the whole maybe this was in response to caitlin the caitlin season where she had sex not in the fantasy suite and it was a whole fucking thing yeah for the show it was that was that season for like four

episodes of that season was just that happening and then the reactions to that and it was gross and terrible and maybe this was kind of a pivot i mean i hope so yeah i hope so too uh and so uh evan who is on this group date is instantly excited because as a erectile dysfunction specialist yeah um he is primed and ready with stories yeah no it's definitely i mean later later uh in this episode that happened today jordan got to go on a football day and i would say this is an equivalent like yeah this was evan's football date yeah uh and so backstage they're all preparing we see evan and alex talk and evan reveals that he is gonna stoke chad's fire uh which is not what he says but it's what i wrote in my notes because i'm a poet uh and and so we know evan's gonna get up there and he's gonna do something crazy some highlights from the date was it uh ari that gave

the or ali ali that talked about um the threesome no Wells Wells Wells told a story about a three the setup was this it like Jojo was talking about like the different stories and it was like running through a bunch of different ones and they were fine uh oh we gotta touch on Daniels yeah we gotta touch on Daniels because Daniels was about like so at this, I had her tied up. And I just reached out and I just cut off some of her hair. I don't know why. I guess it's weird. Yeah, Daniel. Damn, Daniel.

You're a serial killer, Daniel. Daniel would be the star of this season if it weren't for Chad. 100%. Yeah. And that's, I guess, yeah, that's a real shame. Hey, Daniel, that fucking sucks, dude. That's a shitty story, bro. It's a real shame. Hey, Daniel, that fucking sucks, dude. That's a shitty story, bro. It's a bad, bad thing, dog.

Yeah. No thanks, bro. Yeah, I don't know why he thought, like, this is going to be a fun story I'm going to tell in front of the girl that I want to go out with me. Wells' was the best, though, because the way they cut it, Judge was, like, talking about this super cut of, like, sex stories. And then it showed Wells laying on his side with his legs splayed apart, making a fart noise, like, really, really loud and, like, shaking. And then it cuts to the presenter for the night,

like, after Wells had left, walked up and says, Wells, thank you for that story about a very interesting threesome. So, like, you, the viewer, was like, he was showing him farting a huge fart, and then she was like, cool threesome story. And everybody in the viewer was like, he was showing him farting a huge fart. And she was like, cool threesome story. And everybody in the room was like, I have to know that story.

I know. Well, you're in luck because he posted it on Twitter very quickly. And it was just that he was visiting, like he was having some kind of rectal exam. Yeah, he was seeing a proctologist. Yeah. And there was a nurse pushing on his stomach and he. I guess farted on the proctologist? And made a joke about how that was the worst threesome he'd ever had.

Oh, Wells, I love you. Wells. Never change. So when Evan gets on stage, and I'm skipping a lot of good stories, but in the interest of time, we'll just go straight to Evan. Evan begins telling a story about the impact of steroid use on men. I assume at some point he like brings this back to how it can affect your sexual ability,

but all we see are him talking about the symptoms of steroid abuse, which are, you know, just like what is basically a description of Chad. It's just like irritability and rage. Eats meat. Only eats lunch meat. Chad does not like this.

No, Chad is not happy. This is where we have our first moment of Bachelor violence. By the way, if you have either of these people on your team this is a physical confrontation that's how we judge it and we got points from that um because if this doesn't count i don't know what the fuck does because i looking back i don't think there's ever been a time on bachelor bachelorette where two of the contestants just fucking beat the crap well it's the combination of actions right if he had just pulled on the shirt, which is what he does, when Evan's trying to walk by Chad back to his seat, Chad interprets this as him trying to push him.

And so he grabs his shirt collar. While Evan is like leaning down to hug Jojo. He has like his arms around Jojo when Chad grabs the back of his shirt and yanks him back. So like not very stealth Chad. Like you literally did it on jojo um uh and one thing that was fun about that shirt grab was that um after it happens there's some nice foley work and you hear like a which is like very clearly not a shirt ripping yeah it's bad so that happens and then they get backstage chad punches a door and then oh my god no baby you can't chad gets up there oh to do his

sex story and his sex story is he says jojo will you come up here for a second he's like i don't want to talk about a sex story from my past and i don't want to know about your past because all that matters to me is the future he puts the mic down and leans in for a kiss on jojo and jojo fucking gives him the coldest like yeah and she actually says no and she says is that all you have he's like yep that's it and he goes to put the mic in you can't put them put the mic back in the stand which is great because there is a thing about sex talks how's your innuendo pretty bad i think and then he just takes the mic and like throws it across the stage and it's very good and then he goes backstage punches a door real hard yeah gets an owie on his hand and then confronts evan and comes at him with a hand towards the throat and pushes him yeah um and

that's when i thought okay this is this is a physical fight yeah um he also like lunges at him again a bit later um and evan evan uh who i consistently referred to as the brave little toaster because this fucking dude done back down this little dude yeah uh evan uh yeah evan is not especially afraid of him, which is amazing, because Evan is about half of his size. And this is when Chad says, if I can't lift weights, I'm going to murder someone. Which is a real good... Really healthy sort of attitude. Yeah, really appropriate.

And then the day continues then they go to this like little weird mystery place that has they go to some weird strange furniture you know that shop that you go to in the beginning of the oregon trail to like outfit yourself that's like where they were yeah um and they're all having drinks um and this is you know it's it's the regular montage of like dudes getting close to Jojo and talking about things. Chad keeps coming in trying to steal Jojo away. Uh, and she is not. She like turns him down.

No. And she's not interested. And then Chad just goes and sits around the side hallway and is like whistling and making noise. And Nick is upset about this. He's being very, very, he's being childish, but he's also being like, I think he was also pretty uncomfortable in this moment. Like, it's not often that you go and try to break up a, like, convo and get turned down by the Bachelor or Bachelorette. I have to imagine your pride at that point is wounded beyond repair yeah um this this whole chad arc is one of watching this man make mistake after mistake and just feeling very conflicted uh about how badly he is doing yeah um um so he finally gets his time with jojo

and um she's like what happened there and he gives her this line about how evan's bullying him bullying the bully she's like wait are you the bully's like, well, that's how they perceive me. It's like, whatever, dude. And then Evan comes in and steals JoJo away from Chad, the first of many times that Evan just stays in the fucking mix. And the most amazing thing that has ever been said on this television show, Chad's a fucking monster. And he definitely, like, that stone tumbles way downhill past the point where I can find him even remotely admirable for the tea that he drops.

But he does say that he's, like, talking about Evan and how he's, like, a failure or whatever. He says some nasty things about his kids. But then he says, like, he's Gary Oldman from the Fifth Element. Yeah. And that is, that's patently hysterical. That's patent. That's absolutely the funniest fucking thing that anybody's ever said on this show.

Rose buddies. You'd appreciate it. I immediately recalled that somebody had posted this in the group several weeks ago. Yeah. And was just like, yeah, no,

of course he is. We already noticed that. The, I'm going to go and put the captions on blast because the captions uh translated that as uh evans the gay one from the fifth element that's not what he said that's not what he's captioned person he's gary oldman from the fifth element chad knows his his cinema that's too good of a amazing burn for you to mistranslate it like that in such a hateful way uh another thing that happens is evan is confronting chad over and over again he does it when they're in the group and he asked chad

you know why he's here and he says you owe me an apology in a new shirt um which is a weird one of those like kind of undercuts like the honor of the other you owe me an apology end of old navy blue v-neck um um and that's about it for the group date was there another there was another one-on-one can i please request that we just burn this one-on-one down because i don't i it was a it was an old-timey back to the future fun romp well we should say evan gets the rose on that date for being such a great bull toaster but not before he gives an ultimatum and says i don't want to stay here if chad stays here yeah um and jojo says well i can give you this rose i don't know if you can accept it because i'm not ready to make a decision about Chad.

And then she comes back to the group. Chad sees that Evan got the rose. Chad says, is this real? Is this a real scenario? And JoJo says, I don't appreciate what you're doing. And then by the time they get in the limo, Chad is just irate that Evan got a rose. So then it's the next morning and, uh,

there is a security guard on campus. Um, I get, I, okay. So let's talk about the security guard. Cause they tried to like, they tried to play it off.

Like it was like a funny thing. They tried to play it off. Like the security guard was like walking around always in the distance and he was like a prop right and they would play like the bachelor fun music yeah exactly like the goofy bachelor musical sting when this security guard was on camera i think that has to be like a thing that you legally yeah if somebody assaults somebody else which is like that's what that was it was a little bit of assault but it was still assault um either the person who assaulted the other person has to leave the show or you get a fucking security guard yeah i became really fascinated with what

the protocol is on this show like like clearly they have a list of if-then action response situations. And this was one of those, oh, somebody has been pushed. Somebody has made other contestants feel threatened. Now we have to enact the security guard procedure. I think about the Are You the One when Mike assaulted Amanda. And he got booted off. But even when they came back to get his shit, there had to be security guards there with him.

That has to be, from a liability perspective, that has to be a thing that your show fucking has to cover itself with. Yeah, because if Chad had actually really broken somebody's arm, they could come back and say, this show didn't do anything to protect me. They knew it was going to, yeah. So the security guard's walking around.

We don't really, nobody seems to really spend a lot of time talking about it. It's addressed. The contestants were aware of it. Yeah. But we go right into the James Taylor date. I've seen fire and I've seen rain, but I've never seen a date that bored me this much.

Oh, Griffin. It was fine. It was like a little, like, 1940s little Pleasantville little slice of pie. Yeah, they get all dressed up in like what is it, like 40s

clothes and hair. James is wearing a nice set of suspenders. An older woman teaches them how to dance and talks about her dancer husband. Yes. It's very nice. Then they go to some sort of weird box social where they have been time-traveled, and everybody's fucking swing dancing, but they can't swing dance.

They can do, like, a two-step. Yeah. I mean, it's cute, and then there's the newspaper jojo looked phenomenal she did she had great hair and makeup looked wonderful uh how do you feel about jojo let's take a little quick break from talking about chad for so much i think she's very very good at the game she is she's definitely made some moves this week that suggests that she's a woman that knows what she wants and she's not afraid to express it yeah i think she's i think she is i think she's good at the game she's good at making like everybody feel included um obviously the things she's doing are

um mandatory and thereby kind of scripted but i think she makes it feel very um very natural she is not particularly funny uh at all i would give i would give you that yeah uh which i'm missing because caitlin caitlin was funny i would say caitlin's funny emily was very funny i thought emily was very sassy especially like and when emily sent home that dude for saying that her daughter was quote-unquote baggage that was like the well short of um that woman whose name i fucking will never remember i will never remember her name starts with a c she's won juan pablo season came in second place got booted off claire claire what the fuck why can i never remember claire's name that was the harshest like burn send off

i've ever seen but like otherwise emily taryn i kind of hoped that we would get some of that from from jojo from jojo episode but yeah anyway anyway um on i like jojo a lot. I'm still waiting to fall in love. You know, it takes me a little while to open up. It sure does. They get out on this car at the scenic overlook. James, of course, has a guitar in the trunk and is prepared with a song he wrote. And the song basically seems to be about JoJo and Ben. It's all about a woman making a mistake and confessing her feelings.

And a man making it seem as if he has the same feelings. And then the woman finding out she's mistaken. Kind of a weird thing, bro. Yeah, very weird. I wrote a song for you. It's about your last boyfriend. Back at the mansion. This is when Daniel and Chad have the Hitler conversation.

Oh my God, the Hitler conversation. Chad is eating a sweet potato just out of his hand like an apple. Like one would eat an apple. Like one would eat a fresh, ripe apple. Fucking, this, okay. This exchange, I think Chad's a, I'm so conflicted on Chad. I think he is an emotionally and physically abusive guy. Yes.

I think he's a bad, bad person. But he's smart. I don't know, I don't even fucking know about that but his his sense of humor is a comedic timing yeah that i think may be entirely unintentional but is like a rich and pure and i would drizzle it over pancakes because daniel said is trying to like talk to him about how he isn't comfortable hanging out with him anymore because he he makes the other guys in the house like hate his hate daniel just because of how negative a person chad is and daniel says let's pretend you're hitler and chad like without missing a beat says let's not pretend i'm

uh and then daniel like walks it back through like worse and all right what about uh why don't why don't you just like uh more like mussolini or bush or trump he's like be more like trump or like bush he's like i don't like that he's like all right can you at least just dial it down to mussolini for me and then chad in response doesn't seem to agree to anything but does eat a piece of lettuce. So how's your dim-dim? Because you just ate a yam and some lettuce. That's not balanced, my boy. So we find out Chris Harrison appears again, which, you know, I just, I love seeing him.

I love hearing him talk. I was so grateful that he was in these episodes so much. Do you think he is a genie in a lamp and they just rub him whenever they need him to come out? Probably, yeah. Now you're thinking about it. I am thinking about it. Is Chris Harrison a genie? But it's got to be a recent,

a recent capture into that lamp because he used to be on the show a lot more i think it was like caitlin season is when they got they put him in there here's what i think i think he bet his freedom on juan pablo season and i think he was like this is gonna be the best season ever yeah i love this guy i think he's hysterical and amazing and it blew up in his face so hard that abc people the fucking ursula came to him and like extended the golden contract and was like sorry chris you know the deal into the i'm mixing my disney you are a little bit yeah into the lamp with you and he said no someday he'll meet that bachelor that doesn't pick either of the last two contestants and instead uses his wish to release Chris Harrison. I love that.

I love it, too. I'm working on it. Okay, so Chris Harrison informs the guys there's no cocktail party. And they all look around nervously. And he says, it's an all-day pool party. Instead, the guys are like, you should have led with that. That's much better than we thought and then evan grabs chris and yes rubs his lamp summons him and says um i don't feel

safe in this house chad tore my shirt and chris is like oh he tore your shirt yeah chris he tore your shirt get out of the fucking lamp sometimes and pay attention to like the monitors the tv monitors back chris kind of victim shames him a little bit he's like well there's a lot of testosterone here you know like so kind of stuff happens yeah um but evan says like i feel unsafe a lot of dudes feel unsafe there's fucking security guards here this is crazy so chris and then chris is like i'll handle it and then he pulls chad aside and basically tells chad hey here's your chance to settle it. Like, go in there and settle it. And then Chad starts saying, like, I'm going to tear this world apart. He says, I'm going to go in there and I'm going to tear off everyone's arms and legs and throw their torsos in the pool.

Yeah. Just a bunch of torsos in the pool. And I thought, that's horrific. But also, Chad, still pretty fucking funny. I know. That's kind of a funny, Chad, still pretty fucking funny. I know. That's kind of a funny mental image you've just created. I just wish he wasn't such a fucking dick. Yeah, no, he's the worst.

And this is when we get the to be continued, which leads us into tonight. So if you're Slylock Foxing it from home, because the commercial for this two-parter was like, it showed bloody knuckles, and it showed like, Evan bleeding from his face, and it showed James Taylor bleeding from his face. And so watching this, you're like, oh my god, Chad is gonna murder these kids. But then if you've watched like a single episode of the show before, you know that that's just how they do it. I think I maybe called it. I hope I called it. Well, we know the bloody knuckles is from when he punched the door right so that is one clue that has been like

taken out of the equation anyway we get back in the pool party they're just hanging out with jojo having a good time evan jumps in the pool weird i guess and gets a bloody nose it's like well that's another one it's another one out of the mix yeah i mean you look at evan and you see a man who see gary oldman from the fifth element you see you look at Evan and you see a man who... You see Gary Oldman from The Fifth Element. You see Gary Oldman and you think, I bet Gary gets some bloody noses. And he does not disappoint. I mean, I'm sitting here with, like, a fucking sinus infection, so I can't, like, get nasty on a dude for having a dumb nose.

God knows I suffer from it. But it does happen a lot, doesn't it? For Evan? For both of us. But it does happen a lot, doesn't it? For Evan? For both of us. So this at first starts out like just an 80s fun movie, which is a technical term.

The guys are getting in chicken fights. They're doing synchronized swimming. Everybody takes their shirts off. They're playing with pool toys. It seems like, oh, everything's great. Can I tell you something? Yes. I don't like chicken fights. I don't think anybody does.

It makes me nervous, doesn't it? Because if somebody falls, if one of the top people falls forward onto the other person's bottom person and have a head-on collision, that would fucking hurt a lot. Or if you fell backwards and hit the edge of the pool, you're dead. You've died. And as a woman, if you are the chicken instructed to fight, it feels very hugely objectifying. Yeah. But, yeah.

And as the person on the bottom, I don't want to have a big person on top of me. When I'm in the water. Because if my knees buckle, I drown. It's so dangerous. Don't chicken fight. I got nervous watching these big boys doing it, even. If you take nothing else from Rosebuddies... Don't chicken fight, please.

Don't chicken fight. It's pool season. Don't fucking chicken fight out there. There's better ways to do your things. So, Chad tries to explain to JoJo why he was mad about Evan. And he says, it's like, I didn't know, I didn't understand why you could like him and like me. It's like, if I'm going to take you out to dinner, and I'm asking you, do you want ice cream or steak? Dog, you can have both of those things in the same meal, Chad.

Both of those things are both very, very good. Well, and the whole premise of The Bachelorette is you get to have both. Yeah. Chad just hates other boys. He hates other boys. No matter where they are or what they're doing. But while Chad is explaining this evan interrupts uh so evan is kind of writing his talk like that's what chad's whole thing is like i just want everybody to leave me alone i just want evan to leave me alone

i'm not a bad guy it's just people come at me and then i get aggressive towards them i don't know what evan would have done this season without chad like he's yes at the yes we should acknowledge that that he is like the the orphaned twin um that's a terrible way of putting it but from last season when one of the twins got sent home and the other one didn't have much of an identity and so her whole thing was just coming after olivia i think i forget yes it was um just as there is a there is a villain role in every season and then there is a co uh a sub villain there is also like the person the main the the core tattler and none of those people ever fucking win unless you're courtney robertson um so after the pool party is over chad's upset because he's overheard a lot of guys talking about him.

And so he picks Derek and pulls Derek aside. And Derek just says, hey, she asked me about you. So I told her, you know, you've been making some misogynistic comments. And Chad is like, oh, is this like the first beautiful girl that you've ever seen? Like, is she really the most beautiful girl you've ever seen? I'm just so tired of you guys acting like she's so incredible. And Derek's like, yeah, she is the most beautiful girl I've ever seen. And Chad's just like, oh, well, are you just like obsessed with this show and like watching all the previous seasons? And Derek's like, yeah, why would you not watch the show? That's the thing man like chad puts up a lot of air balls like a lot of his balls are air balls well his whole argument is that like this is ridiculous that you guys are so into jojo

and the guys are saying like yeah that's why we're here like he refuses to believe that this is like yeah and at first i found that endearing because i thought he was familiar with the system of the show and saying like i'm gonna bring a new authenticity no i think it's literally that he doesn't understand i think when he showed up and there were 26 other dudes there he was genuinely shocked. Yeah, I think he thought like, oh, I'm going to go on this show, and maybe I'm going to like her, and I'm just going to give it time and see if that happens.

And this is giving him the benefit of the doubt, if this scenario is correct. And so he's confused when all the other guys are like, hey, I know JoJo, I know a lot about her, and I already like her. And he's like, what? What? How? How is that possible? Anyway, let's get into a date. Let go on a date first rose ceremony oh fuck that's right uh so who gets roses so grant derrick jordan luke robbie wells james f vinnie daniel alex and chad the chad gets one and that's

in addition to evan who had one from the day and all the people who got him for dates and james taylor james taylor and uh what's his face nobody gives a shit chase chase uh what's his chase so since chad gets a rose um we lose some good soldiers man ali goes home ali i liked you man i liked your style like your stuff his his impressive eyebrows and his incredible cover for elise christian with his christian with his aspirations to be a good space granddad yeah space granddad grandpa i'm gonna miss you uh and saint nick santa claus goes home that's a shame i i did like him uh so there's a, and JoJo announces they are leaving the mansion. And then I think maybe they're going around the globe.

Oh, where could they be going? The Bahamas? Could they be going to Spain? Just anywhere in Spain? Shanghai? Seoul? Where could they possibly be? Pennsylvania, here we come.

Nimacol, Pennsylvania. Everyone's favorite place to find trees. It's Pennsylvania. Come to our house. I fucking can't. JoJo gets there by plane. We get to see her in a little biplane. The dudes get there by off-roading in her in like a little biplane uh the dudes get there by

off-roading in in vehicles okay no i gotta stop you both the jojo and the men took large commercial airplanes from los angeles to pennsylvania i'm sticking with the fiction though jojo didn't go on a fucking cross-country biplane She'd have to stop like 19 times to get gas on the way These boys didn't off-road from LA to Pennsylvania They'd have to like drive through the Rockies to do that Okay, Griffin So they get to the very nice resort In Nemecolon

And a date card comes in And Luke gets the date. Luke, as you'll recall, is the one at the beginning that gave Jojo the nice pair of boots, came in on the unicorn, seemed to be an early favorite. So we are excited also

because he is on our team. And their date starts off, they are riding a dog sled. And they are riding this dog sled to a wood-fired hot tub. Which just seems like a lot of work, doesn't it? The whole thing. You gotta take care of a bunch of dogs. And then you gotta make your own hot tub. Yeah, Luke has to chop the wood as a display of his strength.

And like, spoiler alert, he apparently doesn't do a very good job because he creates like a little sulfur volcano. Yeah, the tub is very, very hot. So much so that Luke has to hold Jojo and then very daintily. Cook her. Cook her. Cook her alive. It was probably one of the most ghoulish things I've seen on this show. The screams will stay with me forever they both talk about how much they love nashville and austin which i appreciated

and how much they're gonna miss having skin and then they go to a supper club, hideously burned. It's just horrific. Covered in bandages. Chris Harrison has to feed them soup. Soup? Man, that's unfortunate given how hot they are. It's what they made for dinner, okay? Beggars can't be choosers. It's Pennsylvania. Not just anywhere in Pennsylvania, Griffin.

Nemecol in Pennsylvania. It actually looked tight as hell. That seems like the kind of resort I could really sink my teeth into. Yeah, you big hiker. There's waterfalls and wood-fired hot tubs. I like resorts in nature because it's camping, but also you can have a nice hotel room in there. So Jojo tries to find out more about Luke's, what she calls relaxed confidence.

Because he's just he's just a very stoic man. And he tells a story about how he was recruited to play football for west point uh and then was kind of unprepared for the demands of college and then became a lieutenant in afghanistan and a platoon leader and he had a older friend that was killed in action yeah and that kind of gave him another like an approach another delicate like conversation that jojo kind of just stumbles into like jennifer connelly in the labyrinth um it's just labyrinth it's not the labyrinth um sorry i thought you were gonna correct me on that so i thought i'd get ahead of it um because she's like tell me about those dog tags you wear on your neck jojo nine times out of ten yeah that's it like it's good to talk about that stuff but just like

you kind of like bars right into it i inherited this dog from my mom oh how's she doing well i inherited her the dog in a legal battle we ran a bit of small business together does not volunteer anything She She has to take risks And So He gets the rose They go to a venue Where everybody's holding up their phone

And who's on stage Drake and Josh Your favorite band and mine Drake the sweet life of josh and cody zach and cody dan and shay dan and shay evan and jaron's younger brothers what if evan and fucking jaron had been up there i would have lost my mind are you kidding me um what's your favorite evan and jaron song well yeah will you remind our our listeners about evan and jaron this distance i've ever known who's brought my head and my heart there's that

one no people don't know that one fucking the distance that was a good one i can't take the distance a lot of songs about like the distance between objects the relative distance i feel like you're not singing their number one which i can't remember now what it is crazy for this girl crazy for this girl that was their number one anyway it wasn't evan and sharon this is not a useful tangent um and so they dance and they kiss uh it's it's all you would expect um but it's date card time and it's a group date and there has been some speculation that whoever doesn't go on this group date is going to be going on a two-on-one um griffin and i remind us what a two-on-one griffin and i are familiar with the two-on-, but for those of you at home that are new to the series,

two-on-one, two men enter, one man leaves. Sometimes no men. Well, sometimes both men leave. Yeah. Two people go on this date, there's only one rose to be had. Whoever does not get the rose has to go home. I'm going to ask

that we burn this next fucking group date just to the ground okay uh so the date card is for a large number of people uh and they are playing football at heinz field um they're greeted by ben roethlisberger and two of his friends whose name i didn't bother to write down friends or fellow football football players okay they might be friends i don't know uh so the dudes run drills which is what you'd expect uh jordan who is on the state natch um and reveals to us he was a quarterback at vanderbilt uh so he will be playing quarterback for both teams the guys on the group are divided into teams uh after they scrap for a while uh and evan does get a bloody

nose evan gets a bloody nose james taylor gets fucking clocked gets hit in the face starts bleeding profusely like a lot of head blood like a ton of it so much so that they're like you are going to need stitches and he's like well can i keep playing and then he does like an over the like in the moment interview there where his head is like bandaged like he's like leprous or something there's just blood like all over his face he's like i just want to get out there and like impress jojo put me in coach put me in coach i'm ready hey rudy you're fucking dying he has blood still running down his face your brain james tay brain, James Taylor. It's real gross. I can see the little songs that you have floating around in there that you're writing.

Wells is on this date, and I was initially worried because I was like, oh, Wells doesn't do great with physical challenges. But you know who's worse than Wells? Evan. And so Evan took off some of the heat on Wells. Wells didn't make any of his own blood come out. some of the heat yeah wells wells didn't make any of his own blood come out so although evan defines uh his mode that day as beast mode uh and is really putting in his best effort i'm impressed with evan i'll say this he's a brave boy he gets in there he fucking mixes it up he's a smaller boy than the other boys yeah but he'll get in there and mix it up uh so the game is tied

with like almost no time left which i don't know how they decided how much time uh it's five on five derrick intercepts uh turns the ball around as one does when they intercept it's more of a strip than an interception uh yes that's true and he gets the game winning touchdown congratulations blue team and so james vinnieny, Evan, Derek, Robbie, and Jordan get to spend the evening with JoJo. So movement for who, what were the big moments? I think Jordan had the biggest one where he was like, he kind of laid it out for her, like,

I feel myself falling for you. And JoJo was on this thing about like not feeling like jordan was very good about talking about his feelings and so jordan was like here they are what's up and he got the rose for that day did anybody did anybody robbie robbie has a showing honeysuckle robbie like lifts her up puts her on the pool table um judge says robbie made her feel sexy yeah he really like he really puts himself out there a little bit more, which is good because Robbie has given nothing to nobody all season. Yeah, so Jordan says, you know, I take a little time to open up, but I feel like I'm falling for you. They're by a fountain.

They make out. He gets the rose. And so then we get confirmation that the two-on-one is happening because the date card comes, and it's Chad and Alex. And these boys start scrapping. These boys basically scrap from the moment they are given the date card to the moment of the date. Everybody keeps trying with Chad.

I mean, I will say there are people like Luke who just keeps trying to give Chad a chance to explain himself. Is it that or is it like, Chad's obviously a piece of shit. I think there was more than a little bit of bear baiting going on here. Oh, yeah.

No, I will say people like Grant and Alex and Jordan and Evan of bear baiting going on here oh yeah no i will say people like grant and alex and jordan and evan really enjoy getting a rise out of chad whereas people like luke and daniel seem to be like hey chad please please say something that will make me like you yeah but that's not like but at a certain point you have to know he's not going to give you that ever and to just fucking leave the dude alone and let him burn himself down which is like and that's what people like him always inevitably do i think there's people that just like kind of poke them because they have fun with it and that obviously doesn't excuse the shitty response that those people

have to that poking but like come on you know better than that yeah i mean they're they're forcing the issue you know and if they had all just kind of stayed away from him chad probably would have lasted a lot longer that's a good point yeah uh which spoiler sorry for those of you that aren't there yet well you're listening to a bachelor recap podcast um the biggest thing i think that happens before this date chad jordan chad literally threatens jordan's life jordan's kind of fucking with him and chad says you don't think i won't come find you after the show you won't think i i won't come to your house uh and kick your ass which is like way over Yeah, it's a little much. Like, even if you haven't, like, what, is there a point where you have threatened somebody enough that you are not allowed to be on the show anymore?

Obviously, I think if you punch somebody, you're done, right? But I think, can you say, like, I'm going to come to your house and murder you, Aaron Rodgers' brother? Well, and in previous seasons, the villain usually has an issue with maybe one or two people. But in this case, in a series of two episodes, Chad goes after Alex, Chad goes after Evan, Chad goes after Jordan, Chad goes after Grant, Chad goes after Derek. It just keeps happening.

So then they go on the date, and everybody back home is talking about how this is a battle of good versus evil at which point i told griffin this is like an avengers movie yeah uh because everybody is saying alex has to win alex has to come back chad has to be defeated alex has to be the one to do it it's like an avengers movie only i want to date everybody that was a joke that a woman said at the sex tales date. That really stuck out to me. Talking about all the handsome men.

It's like an Avengers movie, only I want to date all of them. Do you mean like the Avengers? They're all like attractive Hollywood celebs. That doesn't make any sense. The comedy choices on this show seem to only be good when it is coming directly out of the contestants' mouths.

Yeah. Oh, Amy Schumer had that episode. No, that's true. That's very true. So Alex and Chad go to the woods. They're going to go hiking. Which, like, come on, Bachelor producers, it's a murder spot. They're in a secluded area with axes.

It's actually pretty, I will actually say, I think it was pretty short. Like, this two-on-one date. Two-on-ones usually, they only have one activity, and then they knock it out. The activity they knocked out is Alex gets JoJo's side and says, straight up, Chad just threatened to murder Jordan once the show's over. And then Chad and JoJo get some time and says, JoJo says, did you threaten to murder Jordan? And he's like, well, you're not in the house. You don't understand.

Because they pushed me. Yeah, he's like, well, I haven't touched anyone. Which is, like, not true. But also, you just can't fucking threaten to murder somebody. And his response, she's like, you can't just threaten to murder people and he says you aren't in the house like you don't know like they push me and she says that's not a good response he says what do you recommend she says not threatening to murder somebody he tries to turn it on her it's like oh are you saying when you were on the show like everybody was great and she's like yeah no women

would ask me questions but i wouldn't threaten them if i didn't want to answer um and and she's like yeah no women would ask me questions but i wouldn't threaten them if i didn't want to answer um and so she's like oh you know what i'm emotional i need time to think about this she gets up and walks away uh after she has given chad a chance to explain himself and he has not done so and he does a little fucking kill Bill whistle walk back down to Alex. Yeah. And the Bachelor really wants you to think that Chad's going to murder somebody. Tells Alex that he's not happy with him. I'm not mad.

I'm just disappointed. And then they have a, they exchange a series. They exchange some idioms that some space aliens came down and taught him. Is it about hay in the barn? He said, hay's in the barn, dude. Pig's in the castle. Alex says, hay's in the barn he said hay's in the barn dude pigs in the castle alex says hay's in the barn dude which i think means like it's all like it's the hand is dealt it's all over and but then chad responds pigs in the castle and i think that was him just being a smart ass and it was

like kind of a funny thing and chad like chad walks down to like see him and does his little murder whistle and instead of murdering him he just lays down and says like you know life's not always blueberries and air paper planes yeah it's gotta be from a movie or something i don't know chad's big on movies as we know uh at this point i think chad knows like i think chad knew before like as soon as his name was not on the group date card chad knew he was going home the other thing chad says is uh that um he's telling alex to chill out and leave him alone he's like you know just like sit down and drink some milk and alex is like i don't want any milk i'm not gonna drink milk i don't like milk and chad's like you should milk's delicious it's just some genuinely great stuff i just i could see a parallel universe where chad was not a piece of shit and was genuine it could

be like the audience surrogate which is like a role that is almost never filled in this show but when it is it's like really genuinely great yeah um but like no he's that ship is so so sailed he's such a dingus yeah so jojo comes back from her her little solo time and says chad i don't think you are who you think you are i don't think physical violence is ever the answer you know this, this is not going to work. She says, I'm going to say goodbye to you here. Doesn't even like walk him back to the car. Yeah. Like, just like, go walk in the woods, fucking Sasquatch ass.

And Alex hugs her and says, oh, this is the happiest I've ever been. Which is kind of sad. And then cut to Alex and JoJo having a drink in a cabin. It's night. And we get this fucking stupid Friday the 13th view of Chad walking through the woods. Meanwhile, the guys back at the house are celebrating. Clearly, producers have given them literal party poppers and beverages. And they are shooting off confetti and cheersing. Because once Chad's suitcase is gone, they know it's Chad that was eliminated.

But we keep getting these jump cuts back to Chad walking through the woods, and it's dark, and he's whistling. And then he comes and knocks on the glass door of the cabin, and you see a producer run down the stairs and say, it's Chad. Chad's at the door. Yeah. To be continued and yeah and the other thing i don't think you saw so he knocks on the door and then he kind of like drags his hand down the glass slowly this is what i'm talking about like you're the this shit is obviously not to be trusted because now we know chad never goes hulks out and like punches a guy yeah right

you know no matter how hard they want the commercials to make it seem like chad never goes hulks out and like punches a guy yeah right you know no matter how hard they want the commercials to make it seem like chad's not gonna fucking kill all these people in this cabin with an axe because we'd have heard about that what's weird is that they tease next week or not next week sorry the week after next episode and they make it seem like chad sticks around and raises more hell shows a lot of lot of people crying. She shows JoJo crying, like, I didn't come here for this. Like, that's not Chad. Chad's not going to be in the next episode for more than three minutes. Yeah, I know.

JoJo's going to be like, get the fuck out of here. Or Chris is going to get summoned from his lamp and do a capricious wish. Just wish him away up into the sky um that's not how it's gonna happen like bachelorette i know he's not gonna murder anybody bachelorette yeah you can't be like you can't show like chad like climbing into a spaceship and be like i'm gonna go to mars in the next day no because it's not fucking sci-fi fantasy they're gonna keep intercutting him in every episode the rest of the season just like standing in the background just like his fucking head it like pops out of a lake like in like lake fear just like hey everybody was asking in the

facebook group and it's a fair question why this was a two-part double week or double episode week because they found a dank story nug yeah and they're gonna chase that shit down that's why it's a fucking three-parter now because chad is out and they they know that america loves him and can't get enough of them but like real talk this season's about to get mad boring and or at least more boring than it was with chad on it chad's an asshole and like we need to confront this fact as a nation. He's a completely horrible person. Fingers crossed that Daniel steps up and assumes the role that he... Daniel did some good work in these past couple of episodes. But despite the fact that he's a serial killer and he admitted that creepiest fucking thing I've ever heard anybody say on TV. Chad did some entertaining stuff.

He's a bad, bad dude. This is an entertainment product and he did some entertaining stuff. As gross as that is to say, that's the thing. And now this show is about to get more boring than it was, and so they are stretching the fucking Chad juice out as much as they can, because once it's gone, it's going to be the fucking...

It's going to be the James Taylor show or something. Griffin and I were talking about the group date that Chad wasn't on, and how the guys are all sitting around and they're having these like genuine sincere conversations about how they feel about love and and their chances going forward yeah and it's just like the kind of stuff that makes for good guys and boring television yeah last season we didn't have a villain right right? In Ben's season of The Bachelor. There were people who tried to shoehorn into that role and it was clumsy and bad. This season they did have one. And jordan but that's all your basic your basic stuff we'll find out in a couple weeks um final thoughts what are you thinking uh still feeling i still feel like jordan's gonna run away with it i'm happy to see chad go even though i recognize that he was good television uh because

it got us a fuckload of points he got 56 points in week two that's insane he got us a fuckload of points. He got 56 points in week two. That's insane. He got us a lot of points, but it was uncomfortable to watch at a certain point. Um, he went to, he went to, he went too hard. And like, I actually had to confront this idea.

I had a, like, and in that first episode where he kind of stood out, I thought he was, he had this like legitimacy, like this, like earnestness and talking about how like and and how by the end of the episode you could tell that the

long hand of the producers had like placed itself on his shoulder like it's time for you to be that it's time for you to be the villain but then like in this episode like the shit he was saying it didn't seem like play acting it seems like he is a piece of shit, like abusive dude who, um, like reacts to situations where he does not feel like he is in control by threatening people and being like an aggressive asshole. Um, and that's,

that's not, that's not play acting for the show. That's just like, that's who you are. Yeah. Uh, but Luke,, clear frontrunner. Luke Jordan, James Taylor. Chase seemed to be a big frontrunner this week.

I don't know. But then there's people like Evan, who I think Evan's probably feeling victorious that Chad left. He'll probably go home next episode. Yeah. That's it for this week. Thank you all for joining us. That's it. I need to go get in bed. Yeah. So again, we won't be

here next week. Taking a week off to lick our wounds. Well, fuck that. No, I'm going to be in Los Angeles playing with the PlayStation 5. Hanging out with Crash Bandicoot. I will miss you. Me or the Rosebuddies.

I'll miss you, my wife. Because I'll be gone for you. I'll miss you, too. I don't know what I'm going to do. No Bachelor, no Griffin. I know. That's the only two joys you have in life. Should we talk about the baby that's growing inside of you?

Yeah. I put it in the Rosebuddies group. Thank you to everybody who was excited for us. We are very excited. Yeah. Rachel's having herself a little baby. And so are you. So am I.

And so are you, the audience. Yeah. And the timing is such that we will have this baby right before the season of The Bachelor starts. So we're naming it Ben Higgins. No, yeah. We're very, very excited. Yeah. It may impact the show recording schedule, which is why it's germane to you,

our listeners. Not for a long time. Not for a while, yeah. Anyway, thank you for listening to Rose Buddies. I've been Griffin McElroy. I've been Rachel McElroy. Kind of a weird. I'll still be.

And we will still be those people. When you're ready. Next time, when you're ready.