Wonderful! - Episode 25: Derek is Imperfect

Episode Date: June 29, 2016

We down in SLUMPTOWN now, y'all. It's only natural; there's a few too many cooks in the kitchen at the moment, and most of those cooks are essentially the exact same person. Fortunately, the producers of The Bachelorette have left us a few wonderful gifts in this episode -- gifts made of human tears and masterful film editing. MaxFunDrive ends on March 29, 2024! Support our show now by becoming a member at maximumfun.org/join.

Maybe you should go and do some contemplating. Right reasons, right reasons, being a good girl for all the right reasons. Right reasons, right reasons, being a good girl for all the right reasons. I'm the Bachelorette and I'm rapping to your poolside. Here to find true love, one man for my whole life. Hi, this is Rachel McElroy. Hi, this is Griffin McElroy. This is Rose Buddies.

Don't cry for me bachelor podcast the song is by madonna i have not seen evita i have not seen evita i have not either well damn that's not gonna be a rich comedy i saw a link of their own which also has madonna that's wonderful i saw that that weird Wayne's World sketch where they made out for a long time, which had Madonna in it. And I hated it. I also saw Dick Tracy, which has her. It doesn't sound like you did see Dick Tracy. No, I did. I think you just lied to me.

I think you lied to our hundreds of thousands of listeners. No, I did see Dick Tracy. For some reason, I couldn't remember what it was called. Gang. Like, come on. Sorry for the late episode. We are very sorry. We were traveling. dick tracy for some reason i couldn't remember what it was called which like come on sorry for the late episode we are very sorry we were traveling we were traveling in our flight like when we were in we went to new york this past weekend and we were there we were like oh when

did we get back on monday and it was like oh far too late to catch the episode yeah not only that uh it's storming really bad in austin right now we're in a brief respite from the storm uh but we've lost power about five times today uh and've lost dinner our internet is currently down so i don't know how we're going to get this episode out to the people i'm basically whatever forces control the universe do not want us to record an episode this week but it's our duty it's our it's our grim charge i wouldn't say a grim charge this episode it kind of felt like a grim because this one was can't mustn't see tv cannot see hurts to look at it directly in the eyes definitely can hear tv a lot of audio this week a lot of audio a lot of foley work but a lot of me just averting my eyes

from the things that were happening griffin can you attempt to replicate some of the kiss noises we heard tonight? A lot of what I would describe as gulping. Gulp. And a lot of like, you know when you go in deep for a kiss and you're in there for a long time, and then you have to get a quick breath of air in there real quick. So you can keep kissing. A lot of that.

That wasn't what's bugged me so much as it was the horrifically awkward conversations that happened. But we're going to get to it in this roller coaster ride. This one may be a short one because we're literally afraid of losing the whole episode due to the fifth power outage of the day. So let's hop right in. By the way, drinking a vitamin water zero because I feel like maybe I've had enough time to heal. How did it treat you? It's been treating me okay, but I'm worried that maybe I just can't remember what super water zero tasted like, which is fucking sad. Isn't it crazy to think it's just over?

It's just gone. I'll never drink another bottle. Although, I don't know. We have a P.O. Box now. P.O. Box. Yeah, we need to check that. P.O. Box 66639, Austin, Texas. Ah, damn it.

I'll have to get that piece of paper from the fridge. We have a P.O. Box now, though. Yeah, I'm going to get it. It's fucking literally right in front of me. It is P.Oo box 66639 and that is austin texas 78766 so super water zero zero and they're waiting for us i meant to check it today but then you know the deluge happened what happened on this episode of the bachelorette featuring jojo fletcher dallas and america's sweetheart uh so we are in buenos aires remaining the surviving tributes are wells there's also a man named after a famous folk singer who is potentially his like half son or something like james taylor and then there's like five or six other men luke robbie jordan alex which are really just sort of code

names for these fucking michael keaton multiplicity multiplicity ass dudes that fell into like a vat of clone goo and then it's just the same white men with the same fucking haircut and interchangeable names. This week, we had been really hoping for a Wells one-on-one date, and we did get just that, which was exciting. I wasn't hoping for one, because I knew what that would be. We ain't had that one-on-one date with the bad conclusion yet, and I knew that we were overdue, and I knew that our boy was going to be offered up as a sacrifice to the hungry volcano that is the Bachelorette.

So, Sweetwells, who we've talked about, he's different than the other men. Because he's not a fucking Michael Keaton multiplicity clone of the same man that fell in some goo. He is sitting on the couch with the guys before his date is to begin, and he admits freely that he has not kissed Jojo yet. Because the date card that he gets for the one-on-one date is, Besamos, besamos, muchacho. Muchacho means, like, mister, right? Like, hey mister, kiss me, kiss me. I don't know, you would know better than me.

And I don't know that well. But I do know it means kiss me, kiss me. Because Wells says, straight up, I'm the only person here that hasn't kissed Jojo. Hey Wells, you done fucked up, dog? And the guys act as if he has just revealed that he doesn't have a penis because they are so excited. Straight up, just no wing-wong down there. And like, seriously, first of all, Wells, you should have kept that little nugget to yourself.

Yeah, you should have. Because we've officially reached that part of the season where everyone's a little bit Chad. Remember, the Chad Horcrux is everywhere many chads there's a bunch of little chads now and literally all these bros are just like you never kissed you what's wrong they're just like what what good luck i kissed her a lot honestly you haven't kissed her how could you not kiss her it seems like you'd want to kiss her all the time how have you not kissed jojo walks in and after like a good five minutes of like behind the scenes interviews of them saying like how do

you know how to kiss i kissed all the kiss um and fucking luke who like to this point i feel like has been okay it's just like so you guys gonna kiss on this date hey luke that sucks dude oh so awkward that's a horrible thing to do to somebody so bad for wells that reminded me of like when you're in middle school and you just start dating somebody and nobody knows how to react to it and so they're just like they're like oh you guys have you guys held hands yet like your friends are all just like oh you guys are in love yet like it just it felt exactly like that kind of shame yeah these guys these in love yet like it just it felt exactly like that kind of shame yeah these guys these bros just start they just start they have a they got a they have a shitty party between all of them just talking about how great kissers they are and how

many kisses they've they've done they try to count how many kisses they've done but it's impossible because the number is just just so big it's just a bunch of a bunch of rat bag behavior yeah exactly well this isn't exactly being a piss baby but it would you you gotta know not to expose not to lift your chitin up and expose your like soft tissue underneath for these boys to like dig their knives into a piss kid griffin what did i say piss baby that's even worse than a piss kid oh you're saying there's a new level? There's a third level. So they go on a very experienced local culture date. By the way, mad points.

Everybody this week, guess what? You got those points if you didn't get them. Yeah, so much local culture. You gotta keep your eyes open for that shit. They go shopping in a market. They look at jewelry. They pick up these ugly sand balloon creatures. That look like they're in kiss position, which just gives the producers time to jump back to the boys.

Like I kissed a hundred times. I kissed a hundred times today. That date card said, kiss me. Clearly she's like, what's the deal? Why haven't you kissed me yet? They talk a lot about that date card and the significance of the words on it,

which is not something. If I had been on that date, instead of this ingrateful bastard Wells, I would have kissed her head off. I would have kissed her dead. What? I'm the best of the kissers. I'm going to kiss you right now.

All the boys in that house are going to just start kissing each other. This is the only way to figure it out. JoJo and Wells come back like, what are you guys doing this is unprecedented but welcome but we but like kind of a crazy thing you are writing some fan fiction that i would happily read by myself and we know i feel like i know how luke kisses better than i know how you or I kiss after this episode because motherfucker put on a clinic. Oh, my God. All right, we'll get to that. All right, so Wells is telling us, the viewer, a lot

about how he's waiting for the perfect moment and how every time we see him in a moment that could be a kiss is obviously not the perfect moment. So he does not kiss her. The worst being a moment where he, like, I don't even know how to describe, like 19 million different little micro expressions all happened at once. And they were all leading to a moment where like he reached out his hand, maybe to put his arm around her, but she moved away. And so he just kind of like put his arm on her near shoulder, which was a weird look.

And then they leaned in very very very very very very slowly to give each other the most grandmotherly peck on the cheek they did like a high five too fuck it was bad uh so they go into this building and there's kind of some cirque de soleil elements there's like acrobats on a water roof that they can see it's like transparent so this was crazy and it seemed like the roof was going up and down because at a certain point like it was like right yeah it's like almost like a waterbed above them um that seems profoundly dangerous right well that seems like final destination seven buenos aires like some bad shit could pop off there i mean maybe but like think about it.

They have those big inflatable balloons that people fall from a huge building into. Like it must be made out of that kind of material. Yeah, I guess so. This was not romantic enough. His argument was that there were nearly naked women, according to him, like they were wearing bathing suits, that were like flowing around in this water above them and the lighting was just perfect and he's like there's too many women no

i didn't want to kiss her when there were women near us so then they go through a few performance arts sequences and yeah there's like a treadmill and wells has to replicate there's a lot of usually on the bachelor bachelorette if they going to do some kind of theatrical thing, they're doing it to prepare for a large performance in front of an audience. But tonight was all about, I'm going to teach you this thing, and then you're going to do it, and no one will ever see it until it's on television. I think these boys have earned a fucking break, don't you? After having to talk about their kidnapping sex stories. Oh, that's true. kidnapping sex stories.

Oh, that's true. So after he does the weird treadmill thing, then they get to practice the water balloon thing. It's like water dancing. Yeah, they're like rolling around in a big wet tarp, and there's all this mood lighting, and it's dark dark it seemed like they had engineered it for like people to smooch in the water and which was like i guess appropriate um and and yeah and so that it's like it's it's dark and there's lighting they're wearing swimsuits and they're encouraged

to play in this water space i'm just not thinking about this there is nothing about this date necessarily about kisses right so this would this date card like usually it's just like keep an eye on the sky well that means fuck we're going like we're gonna go skydiving or something um there was nothing about kissing that was necessarily like inherent to the date this is literally jojo like put your mouth on my fucking mouth let's roll come on home which he eventually does's roll. Come on home. Which he eventually does. And it's kind of adorable because he finally does it. They're both lying on their stomach after they've done this little performance and he leans over and kisses her.

And she was like, that was the moment Wells, you did it. Yeah. And like grab him and shook him. If I, if this was like five years ago, I would have been head over heels about that moment. But I don't think, and, like, grab him and shook him. If I, um, if this was, like, five years ago, I would have been head over heels about that moment.

But I don't think, I don't think after Jeff with one F, I'll be able to, like, really buy into the, like, ducky love stuff. Yeah, I know. I know. Which makes me a lot like Wells, because he had a long conversation over dinner with her about how he had a hard time believing in the fairy tale and all of that stuff. Which, unfortunately, I don't know if there's anything else to talk about vis-a-vis Wells.

Oh, he talked about an ex, about how he felt like they were... Yeah, well, she asked him. She very specifically was like, tell me about an ex. And he gets really sweaty and, like, has to take off his coat. Very sweaty. But basically, his story with his ex is they dated for four years and he realized they were just like best friends living together which at that point judge was probably like oh you mean like this kind well and and he is kind of operating to the assumption of like oh well you know eventually like you know passion fades and you just end up

as friends and she's like well does it have to happen that way and she's like i really want my unicorn i really want you know a passion that never fades and he's like huh if he was any other dude in the house though because this happened this episode of a guy being like really reluctant like i just don't know because i don't know about the signals and she says well that's a bummer he says just kidding i fucking love you more than any i've ever loved anybody and she's like yes that's the correct answer now let's kiss there's any other guy like wells would have been like but you know part of me does you know you know you know no i don't think so at least wells has his fucking integrity at least somebody in this house does which makes

sense because like if one other person wouldn't have integrity they all wouldn't. Michael Keaton wants a place. So there's a rose on the table. She picks it up but tells him, you know, we've built a friendship, but I didn't feel 100% like I wanted to. Doesn't give him a rose. Nope. And we cut to the dudes back at the house. They see Wells' luggage is collected, which they're surprised by, even though none of them are actually shocked. And then she goes back to the place where they were performing earlier by herself.

Yeah. And she's like standing there watching everybody dance and there's rain. And this is when the dramatic music begins. This is when we started to get this big swell of music. This is when we were scored by Hans Zimmer. Bear McCreary presents The Bachelorette. Like, chill the fuck out. You guys are allowed to have three songs.

You guys are allowed to have suspenseful you guys are allowed to have like suspenseful music that they play whenever things are tense or whenever the rose ceremony is happening you're allowed to have your theme song for the season that plays when you get the proposal at the end which they haven't done in a while which is a real bummer because it used to be hot fucking fire yeah like the pilot season was that jay pavelka is he the pilot with on the wings of love yes only the two yeah um i missed that and then you know you get sad music yeah well here's my hypothesis so later in the episode there's a two-on-one date and there's a string orchestra my thought is they just they just they sat down with that orchestra and they're like could you give us maybe like 25 minutes this led to the most some of the most fucking ridiculous sequences yeah i've ever seen on this

television show this episode was this episode was boring it occupies this slump and spoiler i think the next episode is definitely gonna be in that slump too until we get to hometowns where like all the really interesting characters like your chads and your dick doctors and all that stuff, have left the show. And now we're left with the cruft and the frontrunners, and there will be some dramatic tension at the end with the frontrunners. But we ain't there yet, because there's some boys on this show still that...

Yeah, you're going to see a lot of manufactured conflict. You're going to see a lot of dates where it's very clear they're not making it to the end, but for some reason she's still keeping them. And kissing them hard on the mouth. Yeah, a lot of dates where it's very clear they're not making it to the end, but for some reason she's still keeping them. And like kissing them hard on the mouth. Yeah, a lot of kissing. A lot of kissing with boys that you know is not going to be the husband of the thing. Anyway, let's get into it.

We got to go. Are you questioning her decision to kiss as many men as she wants to? No, kiss as many men as you want to, but, like, I would feel weird being, like, an Alex in this situation. Like, you're kissing me. Are you sure? Because I'm not going to be the husband of the thing. Like, if you want to kiss, like, let's kiss,

and then we'll have a fun kiss party. I kissed a hundred times today. I'm the best kisser there ever was. Well, if only Wells had come to me, I would have taught him how mouths work, because I went to school for it. I got my PhD in mouths. Oh, and those of you that are sad that well's leaving um which i was too until i was spoiled for you yeah he is going to be on bachelor in paradise so you will get more wells this summer

being the moderator of the rose buddies facebook group is a fucking thankless and difficult job and i'm i'm i'm gonna make it not thankless anymore thank you rachel you're welcome because you got spoiled and I didn't. I actually did get spoiled by somebody else who tweeted me a Snapchat of a limo exit. Thank you to whoever you were. It's fine. I didn't finish it. Yeah, normally we watch it live.

It's not a big deal. So there's a group date. On the group date, we have Luke, Robbie, Jordan, James, and Alex, which means Derek and Chase are going on a two-on-one. And this was like, I do not want to be a rude boy to these boys, but who gives a fuck? Like, Chad v. Alex, like, you have your villain

and the non, I guess the guy who is not the villain in that but this one it's just like there was such a scramble no tension whatsoever the whole time for me i just didn't care the problem was that chad was too sweet a fruit and they spent a lot of time just really letting us as the audience kind of bathe in those juices. And then he left and they had to scramble of like, we don't like Derek. Derek's the one we don't like. Or Jordan. Jordan's not good either.

We got to get to the group date and we have to get to the confrontation of the group date. Because it's the worst thing that's ever happened to me in my life. So James Taylor suddenly. They played sports or something. It was fine. They did a lot. I'm going to get to that. They did so much local culture. I'm going to get to that.

So James Taylor is really in front of the camera a lot this state. So they're doing the local culture. They're practicing tango in the street. They're playing soccer with kids. And James Taylor is telling us, you know, I'm not the front runner. You know, Jordan's a front runner. You know, Jordan's a frontrunner. You know, Luke's a frontrunner. He's like, look at these guys.

They're perfect. He's like, this is an all-star cast. It's not. Rachel and I then had a conversation of like, wow, Bachelor all-stars would be crazy. Oh, wait, that's Bachelor in Paradise. Then Rachel pointed out, those aren't really all-stars. They're guys that have like little moments of greatness. It's just, it's not all-stars. Yeah. They're guys that have little moments of greatness. It's not all-stars.

It's just all. All of them. All the boys and all the women all getting together for a fabulous time in the sun. And you think they're just setting up this kind of James Sadsack monologue to give a short arc because they have this moment where they're doing like a penalty kickoff and whoever gets a goal gets a kiss that's a fun that's a fun prize and james gets the goal when nobody else does and he gets the kiss and i thought oh how funny they just spent all this time on this little narrative where he's sad but then he gets a goal and gets a kiss but james continues throughout

the group date to be kind of a sad man um there they go to dinner they're having drinks afterwards and there is a discussion that james taylor has with jojo over him and him and jordan were playing cards and there was a rules dispute they were playing the pokemon trading card game and jordan said you can play and tap energy neutral energy on the same turn and james taylor said no of course you're wrong about that that's like not that that isn't how any of this works and then jordan was like you can evolve tapped pokemon and jordan was like and and James Taylor was like, no, stop it. Like, you're fucking making stuff up. You're cheating.

You think just because, you think just because you're a famous quarterback's brother that you can like, tell me how the Pokemon trading card, you can like bend the rules of the Pokemon trading card game or come up with some crazy house rules?

Uh-huh. This is garbage. And then he flipped the table over. And then all their cards got shuffled and they had to get in an argument. And at one point, Jordan was like, that's my hologram blastoise and jason was like that's bullshit look on the back and he looked on the back and his initials were in it he's like oh honest mistake it wasn't a fucking honest mistake you're trying to get your hands on that hologram

blastoise uh that's pretty close to what happened it was a it was a poker dispute and there was something about playing poker and there was there was some question about what the rules of poker were and so for some reason james decides to pounce on this even though him and jordan have been friends and tell jojo jojo that like when he was talking about the rules it was just like his opinion about the rules was the end allall, be-all, and it came off as really entitled, which is a really, like, James Taylor, you're probably the only person left I like on the show. Some real piss-kid stuff, bud. Well, and James Taylor was like, you know, because he was just like, well, I'm Jordan Rogers, so I'm right.

And JoJo was like, well, explain that. And that's when he used the word entitled. So Jordan comes up next, and JoJo's like, we gotta talk. I trust James Taylor. He's basically like my grandpa. He's an old soul, and I love his soul. And anything you say to me to contradict him, I will assume is a lie, because James Taylor's infallible. He's the pope of this show. He said, you were playing the Pokemon trading card game, and you tried to steal his hologram blast toys.

he's the pope of this show um he said you were playing the pokemon train car game you try to steal his hologram blast toys um and jordan this i am so fucking over this whole i i try not to buy into the whole like narrative of the bloids and they're the narrative that the bloids are pushing is jordan is a ding dong so she so she pulls jordan aside and you can tell she doesn't want to bring it up but she does want to bring it up. Because much like James Taylor, she kind of doesn't believe Jordan's as good as he seems. And so this is an opportunity to probe on that. But she's just like, oh. So James mentioned this card game and that your behavior was unbecoming.

And Jordan immediately is like, how was that brought up? So defensive. Yeah, and she's like, well, it doesn't matter. And then he's smirking a lot. So this is my Jordan impression whenever he is confronted with anything. Yeah, we were just playing a game and there was a dispute about the rules. anything like yeah i just like we were just like playing a game we were just playing a game and we like there was a dispute about the rules or stop fucking doing that between every three words you make you sound like a smug guy yeah listen and your brother has a beautiful arm and i do appreciate

and beautiful legs i appreciate all the good touchdowns and run-ins he's gotten for the green bay packers but my man you need to ice your shit because you come off like a a jerk a lot yeah he says oh well james you know we're playing this this game and james was wrong and he got boisterous about the rules this is the word he is he says is boisterous and then um jojo mentions how he said the word entitled and jordan's like well i don't know what you mean by that um which i laughed at loud yeah like i feel like he's the kind of person where somebody accused him of not checking his privilege he would literally need to stop them and be like explain what explain that please explain what you said it's just like it's a technique right it's like a way for him to be like i i am so flabbergasted so not that thing i don't even know what the shape of that thing could even be

it was yeah it was um but he tells us the viewer that he doesn't enjoy his integrity being questioned and that he thinks James Taylor's behavior is pathetic. Those two sentences back to me. Dudes who are so concerned about their, my integrity. No, not anything. Anything. My money, my jewels, not my integrity. You gots to keep my integrity safe. They both come off looking so bad.

Because James Taylor, like, what a weird thing to bring up. Like, obviously it's bigger than the card game. But you zeroed in on the card game, which makes you look petty. Yeah, here's how I would have brought it up. I don't know if you've noticed this before. Jordan, anytime you talk to him about anything he doesn't want to talk about, he turns into a real weaselly bro. And I don't know if you've, have you picked up on that?

Because I picked up on that. Anyway, here's a new song that I've written. He should have just written a song. Yeah. Smirking man, smirking man. You ain't got no integrity. Oh. you ain't got no integrity oh the what happens after this is the scene that i literally i'm not exaggerating rachel can attest to this curled up in the fetal position and turned away from the laptop we were watching

the song because the power was out paired to my phone my phone. By the way, this episode of Roast Buddies probably cost us about $60 to put together. Very expensive episode. So Jordan gets back. He sits down and the guys are like, oh, hey, how'd it go? He's like, fine. And he starts swirling the wine in his glass. Here's some holy work. A lot of aggressive wine swirling.

I think you need to stop that. I want to get it across how furiously he was swirling. And total silence. And the guys are like, you're acting weird. And he's sitting right next to James Taylor. And eventually, after what feels like 15 minutes, he turns to James Taylor and says, so did my name come up at all when you were talking to her?

And then they, I i mean i don't want to rehash it because they literally said the same stuff yeah that they said james taylor cops to what he said jordan is very upset calls him pathetic it's fucking oh man that that silence though sometimes this show gives those to you just raw just uncut just awkward awkward taco and it just it stinks and i hate that this show does it to its viewers um but yeah that's how it was um i will say also on this group date uh this is where we get a very passionate moment between jojo and luke luke got the one-on-one rose because of just guys i can't or not the one of theon-one rose because of just guys I can't, or not the one, the group date rose.

The group date rose. Just because of just how much just... They sat down together, and her hands were basically inside him like a puppet. It was... She kept inching up that leg. Mm-hmm. Like, he would be talking, and he'd be like,

yeah, so anyway, the night of the bus accident i don't and then you see like her hand coming up through the neck hole of his shirt just like stroking his cheek and then retreating um it was he's talking about how you know every time he sees her he's left wanting more and he feels very good about their relationship she has no idea what he's saying because she's just like licking the sweat presenting all parts of herself to him yeah um he wins the he gets the group date rose because yeah very loud kisses yeah and then it's a little awkward and she picks up on that and jojo um jojo tells us about how intense their physical connection is and yeah and then the group date ends and it's time for derek and chase so derek and chase uh we see them getting ready i appreciated the fact that derek

was wearing all black and that chase was wearing white like we're in the fucking final season of lost or something yeah i was like well this seems significant and it at least allowed me to tell the two of them apart they don't look anything alike they basically do baby derrick looks like kris you've watched too much of this show you're like if i we went to the um uh natural history museum in dc yeah and we went into the butterfly room and i was just like look at all these beautiful butterflies that given a hundred years i would never be able to tell apart it's like you are a butterfly expert of the just boring kind of tall white men that are all on the bachelor because i they i literally cannot i there are some of the boys still i just can't tell them apart maybe not still there's like six i can do six. Six is my limit, though.

Okay. Because when we had eight, it was not doable. So they meet Jojo, who's wearing a very pretty red dress, and we hear tango music as she is walking towards them. And then they walk inside to a tango demonstration between one woman and two men. And we all know, including the boys at this point, that this is going to be an elaborate three-person

tango dance. Although don't worry, because you don't gotta perform it, because that would be too good television. Yeah, yeah. Again, they learn this routine and nobody ever sees it. This routine. Rachel said the word tango a few times now. I think what she meant was tuggo

because that's more what it was literally jojo standing in between the two men as they pulled her back and forth dipped her put their face close to her face and then she was tugged away again it was less um a dance and more like jojo ball it should have have been Derek standing on one side of the room just saying, Red Rover, Red Rover, send Jojo right over. And then immediately Chase responds with a similar call because it was just back and forth, back and forth. I invite you, dear viewer, to watch this bit again with the television muted. And look at how bonkers this scene was. Because it's literally two people standing about three feet apart, just taking turns embracing a woman for seven minutes.

Can I tell you, though? Like, I know that Chase and Derek are both pretty bland guys, but Chase has all the electricity of a bale of hay. And Derek... He's in the barn. Pig's in the castle. And Derek at least seemed emotionally invested in what was happening. I don't know, dude. Whenever they would pull her in close, they were both making the same face.

And that face was basically... I wish you could see but I think that's a good sound effect I'm trying to like onomatopoeticize my face hmm I really need to learn how to make that an active verb

I feel like I say onomatopoetic every time I say it I say it a different way onomatopoetic onomatopoeticize I like it yeah I say it a different way. Onomatopoetic. No. No. Onomatopoeticize. I like it. Yeah. Anyway, they talk for a while.

They do the dance and then they go up to a rooftop for dinner. And one of them, one of them is very confident that they're going to win. And I say one of them because I swear to God, I don't. I think it was Derek is the one who couldn't. Yeah. Well, Derek feels like today, especially he had a lot of moments with jojo where the their chemistry tugged on her arm like a child at a shopping mall trying to get tokens for the arcade and jojo's jojo i think surprises derek because she's like you know we had our date and then since then you've seen more reserved and and he's just like yeah you know i i just felt like today especially i'm just

falling for you and she says i appreciate that which is never what you want to hear they do some loud kissing then she rolls up on chase and chase is like since we had our first date the first one and it was fine but like since then i feel like you've just really turned it off. And she's like, oh, really? Because I feel like you've turned it off. And then he goes, but you know. Yeah. But now, now that you've said that thing, now I'm very scared, and so I think I'm falling in love with you. It's like she throws the ball to Chase, and at first Chase is like, what is this? Is this a ball? Am I supposed to catch this ball? How do I catch a ball? And then all of a sudden he's like, but you know what? And he just, suddenly he knows exactly what to say he's just like i i have been reserved you

know because you've been in my position before you know how it is and she's like yeah but i wish if i if i had gone back i wish i had told ben earlier when i started to feel things and he's like yeah oh yeah i am starting to feel that's me i feel. I feel all, what I feel of them. Let's kiss. And she's just like, I need affirmation. He's like, I want to give you that affirmation. I don't want to be scared. And then he's like, yeah, but I really, I feel close to you. I feel like I'm falling for you.

And then Jojo's like, you know thank thank you for that that's what i needed um and then they go back to the table together and i think for sure derrick is getting that rose because i am a complete imbecile of the bachelor bachelorette franchise i just like i was just like oh derrick has it. It's Derek. Derek has personality. Chase has nothing. Yeah. But she picks Chase. Chase gets the rose. Derek was being a little Jordan about it.

You know? And I think maybe she saw that. She's like, this town's only big enough for one Jordan. But if you were on that date, if it were you, JoJo, and Chase, Chase was your competition. He holds so much back as if it were wrapped in twine in a barn. If I was JoJo in that situation, I would literally open up the locket that I have with me that has a picture of Jordan and a picture of Luke in it. And then I would close the locket and I would would sigh, and then I would flip a coin.

That is how I would decide who would go home on that day. Yeah, this is starting to get to be the point in the series where everybody that gets kept that isn't a frontrunner, you think like, oh, you're just keeping them one more week, I guess, and then you're going to send them home, because that's what it seems like. And those guys who aren't frontrunners know it, and try to do some last-minute goof- to try to get some try to get something going and no it doesn't it doesn't go it's just too late as weird as it is it's week five and it is too late if i'd like walked if i was looking for the bathroom at the place where the group date was had their cocktail party and i walked out the door and saw her giving the fucking grover treatment to luke i would have literally turned gone to the hotel

got my bags and been like well there's just no there's just no reason anymore to be here um the other thing i'll mention on this two-on-one uh derrick gets sent home and then holy he gets in the limo he says i'm der, and Derek is imperfect. Which is an amazing thing to say. Are you kidding me? Derek with the clutch outro, Derek. That would be a great t-shirt, by the way. Hi, I'm Derek, and Derek is imperfect. So this is when she takes Chase to a performance of Don't Cry For Me, Argentina.

And we get to see Derek cry in the limo and be mad about crying. The cuts back in, first of all, it looked like some, it looked like a big, a single drop of goo was rolling down his face, and he the whole time was just yelling, don't cry.

Don't cry. Don't, I can't believe I'm crying. I also can't believe you're crying. I think that's like silicone fake tears, but fine. Because nobody when crying says, don't cry, I'm imperfect. While this is happening, they're cutting back to the live Evita performance.

Chase is saying he's the happiest man. Cut back to Derek. Tears in the limo. Music swelling. At a certain point, the cuts back and forth are so fast they literally superimpose the woman singing don't cry for me Argentina over this dude's fucking Michael Jordan cry face it was an unbelievable like this is why I love this show right it's not schadenfreude talking about how I love to watch people cry. It's because in that moment, I felt a kinship with the editor of the television show, The Bachelor.

I'm not joking. I felt like I was in the room with the editor of this part when they did this, just like fucking around. And they're like, oh, this is pretty funny. And they called in some producers into the room. And the producers are like, oh, my God, are you kidding me? Yes, you've done such a great job. And that editor like drove home like smiling i'm not kidding like all that i picture that all in my mind because i know that's how it happened i picture love it i pictured it kind of you know

what it reminded me of is um the scene in the truman show where you're seeing ed harris kind of conduct the music oh my god yes that's. I pictured a producer much like Ed Harris sitting in that booth, just conducting the scene with so much satisfaction. I just pictured an editor's bay where one dude was just turning down the opacity of one of the things until they were perfectly superimposed and everybody just looking like, oh my god, yes, that's so good. I hope somebody can kind of extract this clip and put it up on the group because I know a lot of people still don't watch the show. But I want everyone to experience this moment.

It was perfect. Like the song choice. Are you kidding me? It was the most Oh, it's a literally a song that says don't cry over and over again, which you superimposed over a man yelling at himself not to cry in Argentina. It's so perfect. Fuck. So after that great piece of what should be award winning television, we head to the cocktail party with Jordan Alex alex james robbie uh at risk of not getting a rose tonight and jordan immediately grabs jojo because he knows that he left things kind of on thin ice and um just starts spilling is like everything he can think of just like oh you're the person i mean i want to fall in love with you.

I can see myself falling in love with you. I want to wake up with you. I want to build a future with you. I feel really close to you and like somebody I can fall in love with. And Jojo notices that all of a sudden he's like spitting out all this stuff. And instead of being suspicious,

she's just like, look at you talking about feelings. You just need a little push. He's like, yeah, I just needed a push. Yeah, that's me. I'm just you just needed a little push he's like yeah i just yeah that's me i'm just just needed a little uh so he locks that down i'm just not feeling anymore jordan i'm just not feeling it i was trying to make this point earlier i don't like like buying into this like jordan only in it for fame only i feel like that could be trumped up whatever but i also think every time we've seen this dude get confronted about anything, he reverts to this hyper-defensive mode that puts the nay-stay-stay in my mouth.

I'm starting to think that he's going to be the next Bachelor, and that Luke is going to win it. That's what I'm starting to think. I've seen a lot of people say, oh man, I can't believe this person went Homer. Oh oh i'm so excited for this person to still be in it i really want them to be the next bachelor i literally maybe james taylor would be a fun pick yeah he might i fucking can't with any of the rest of these dudes i think any of the rest of these dudes would be the most boring season of not the most boring that's that's it's all relative it's it would be the most boring season of, not the most boring. That's, that's, it's all relative.

It's, it would be another boring season of The Bachelor. I just don't think any of them have, it would be like the season that we would have gotten, no, no, no judgment. But like if,

if Kyla had gotten it, I feel like JoJo has been a very entertaining Bachelorette. I really like her. I know you're still waiting for her to like prove herself, but I think she's been like fun. And we don't get like a lot of those like fiery sassy moments but when we get them they're like genuine and really great she's definitely likable i like her i like her a whole lot um she just isn't gonna go down in history as one of my faves i don't think i can't i feel like emily blew me away and

all the other ones have been like fine i don't i don't but on the flip side i don't think there's been a bad bachelorette there's been a bad bachelor since i've been watching yeah um there have been a couple maybe um but i just don't i can't except for james taylor i think that would be a fun season i just can't get super duper excited about any of the rest of the boys um so at this cocktail party alex looks really sweaty and pale and nervous and diuretic and he tells jojo he needs more time they need more time together jojo agrees uh james taylor uh sitting on the couch with her they have what he thinks is a passionate kiss but he does not know the metric no and so when it comes time for the rose ceremony jojo leaves the party to think about her decisions, has a quick chat with Chris Harrison, and then comes back, gives a rose to Robbie, gives a rose to Jordan.

There's some music that swells. And when it comes down to James Taylor and Alex, she runs out of the room. Chris meets up with her again and says you know what's going on jojo says i'm sick to my stomach i don't want to give this rose out and gives the rose back to chris and so that he may bless it with one of his miracles she goes inside not holding a rose and says you know alex james and i think oh they're both going home because i don't think again imbecile that that one you gotta see coming chris comes out with a new silver platter with two roses on it they both get roses yeah uh which is bullshit but they're both going home they are both there's no way alex and

james have a big comeback at this point and alex knows that james is like oh man i'm just so grateful to get this rose and alex is like i got a pity rose alex is upset he's like if she gives it to james like that doesn't mean as much like he's like i haven't had a one-on-one date like i don't i don't want to be in this position i don't feel for you bro like you you circle against the square you will not win the game the bachelor at and and i'm sorry but that is that's where you're at now yeah and it just seems like jojo you know who your front runners are why'd you keep both these bros yeah i don't know anyway because we can't go to hometowns yet. Which, at this point, you said was the opposite of the axe man.

Yeah, she's a... I think I called her the noodle woman. The noodle woman. What's the opposite of an axe? Noodle. A noodle. Yeah. So that's this week. We burned through it pretty quickly, partially because I'm afraid of Thor striking us down for our hubris

before we can finish the podcast, but also because it was kind of a lame episode a little bit. There was some, certainly was some wonderful moments, but... Yeah, the producers did a lot of work to make this more interesting than it was. Next week is just going to be a bit more of the same. Because, like, even in this thing, like, the trailer for next week,

like, the fight seems so manufactured. More arguments about trading card game rules. And then at the end of next week's episode, I'm almost positive Alex and James Taylor will still go home. Yeah. Completely. Enjoy your week. Although Robbie's there, and I don't really know what Robbie's got going for him. I know she's a fan. Alex and James Taylor will still go home. Yeah. Completely. Enjoy your week. Although Robbie's there, and I don't really know what Robbie's got going for him.

I know she's a fan. And what's Derek got going? Like, what are the four boys that aren't Luke and Jordan? No, not Derek. Sorry. Chase. See? That was not bullshit.

I cannot tell these gentlemen apart. Yeah. Chase has nothing. Robbie has nothing. Clearly, James and Alex have nothing. Cru cruel ways to fucking reduce those men down um that they have nothing and when i say nothing i mean like no chemistry with jojo nothing you're all used up you put your empty milk bags um give milk bags in St. Louis? No. Fuck, I was hoping that was like a Midwest

thing. We got real cartons. Okay. Anyway. How much was milk at your school? It was like a quarter. That's how much it was at my school. Yeah, and we didn't even get the benefit of a carton to drink it out of. We got a full carton. But the milk bag was fun because you could blow it up

and punch your straw through it so you had like an inflatable balloon. And you could push your thumbs down into the plastic and make little boobs. Nice. Nice, nice, nice. Oh, man. It's tough on the inside. Yeah, clearly. You need something when you're eight.

Thanks for listening to Rose Buddies. We'll be back next week. Wait, next week's ID4, isn't it? Yeah, but we'll be here in order to Rose Buddies. We'll be back next week. Wait, next week's ID4, isn't it? Yeah, but we'll be here in order to record on Monday. Assuming there's an episode. I haven't checked. I haven't checked either. I think there's an episode. Thank you for all the good

love you've been giving us in the Facebook group. You can join it. It's called Rose Buddies. We talk about it. People are talking about the episodes. It's like there's a thousand comment long thread that pops off every week which is really exciting um again we do have a po box if you want to send us whatever uh it's po box 66639 and that is austin texas 78766 um i'm gonna go check it tomorrow and and see what's up got a lot of people offering to give us some onesies. Very sweet. Yeah, that is sweet. Anyway, that's

going to do it for us here at Rose Buddies Incorporated. You want to walk us out, babe? I'm Rachel McElroy. I'm Griffin McElroy. When you're ready. Stay with us on this journey of joy. Spoiler alert! She ends up with Soulja Boy.

Right reasons. Right reasons. We've been going for all four seasons. She ends up with Soulja Boy.