Wonderful! - Episode 8: H.E.Betrayal

Episode Date: February 23, 2016

It's hometowns week, which means it's time for our semi-annual celebration of a dude telling four families the exact same stuff about their real-life children. But there's more important stuff happening here, in the real world -- namely, the vicious betrayal of a trusted, vitamin-filled friend. MaxFunDrive ends on March 29, 2024! Support our show now by becoming a member at maximumfun.org/join.

Maybe, maybe you should go and do some contemplating. Right reasons, right reasons, being a good girl for all the right reasons. Right reasons, right reasons, being a good girl for all the right reasons. I'm the best rat and I'm rapping to your poolside. Here to find true love, one man from a high life. Hi, this is Rachel McElroy. This is the worst day of my entire life. Why?

I, hi, I'm Griffin McElroy. Thank you for listening to Rose Buddies. This is the worst day of my entire life. Why? Hi, I'm Griffin McElroy. Thank you for listening to Rose Buddies. There's been a... This is not easy to talk about. I knew it would be hard to broach this subject, but I never thought it would be this hard. I've been betrayed, and you've been betrayed by proxy

because you're my legal wife. Who's your illegal wife? You want to bring this up now while we're recording the number one Bachelor Comedy Podcast? Well, I'll have witnesses then. I have been betrayed by H-E-Butts or H-E-B, the grocery retail chain. Yeah, that's right. A lot of people just put the pieces together. And a lot of people listening to this show just went, no, it can't.

Yeah. I reached into the refrigerator to grab an ice cold Superwater Zero. You just figured out what I'm ready to talk about. To get ready to just like luxuriate in that sweet citrus. Oh, I've known. I've known. As soon as you said the word betrayed, I knew where you were going. Where I'm going is I reach up and I picked up a bottle of Super Water Zero.

And expiration date, May 5th, 2015. No, this could... Certainly this is a misprint. Well, certainly I'll have some stock boy's head for this. For sure. I'll put this back and I'll get another one. That one, July 7th, 2015. Well, this is...

Now we've got a pattern on our hands. These were just recently purchased, too. Third bottle, also July 7th, 2015. This is not from our fallout shelter. This is from our refrigerator. This is not from the flavor bunker. This is not from Guy Fieri's flavor bunker and grill. This is from our off-court buddy refrigerator just purchased this week

where the super water lives what the fuck hgb why you got all that old ass sports drink up on your shelves is it possible that you're the only one that's drinking that flavor uh me and other people who post pictures in the rose buddies facebook group who are almost like bragging and now like i look at them i'm like ha jokes on you this is some old ass yeah everybody if you this is a recall recall notice if you purchased lemonade flavor super water zero check the date because it's got fucking botulism in it definitely no no it's just old old and full of botulism that's how it works that's how it works i'm pretty sure that's how it works. This is Rose Buddies. This is Rose Buddies.

This is a Bachelor podcast. I'm drinking vitamin water zero like a fucking regular Joe. I've seen the light and the glory. Is it possible they've just stopped making super water? I thought you had one in there that was good. No, all three are very bad. I looked at them.

All three of them? All three of them are different colors of yellow, which should have been my... You gotta start looking at those labels. I gotta start looking at those caps i just sorry jokes on me i guess that i trust both heb the grocery store that i spend hundreds of dollars at every week uh and super water zero the creators of the finest beverage on the planet this is not gonna this is gonna be hey everybody thank you for listening to the worst episode of of our podcast ever because i'm not gonna have the nutrients that I need and crave.

I'm trying to get them from this super water, this vitamin water, but it's just going to go right through me. You can't even say it. I can't. I want to pretend. We should talk about the show. Are you ready? I'm ready. Like, I watched it, and I know what happened, and I have, like, all these erudite thoughts.

Can you take a sip yet? Take a sip. Can you pretend? I mean, it's pretty good. Okay. You can taste that 20 cents extra. Let's talk about... Can you look at the date on that?

Is it okay? No shit. Where's the date on it? Where would it even be? There is no date on it. This is even worse. Because this could be literally created... This could be from the fucking Nixon administration.

Weird. No, there's no date on this. What the fuck, guys? Alright, well, let's start talking about the episode. Let's start talking about the episode, and I'll crack this escape the room puzzle. Okay, let me provide some context for hometowns on this show. In the past, hometowns were set up. It's always been four.

It's always been ideally visiting the parents in their home and doing something in the neighborhood. But usually what it is, and it didn't happen this season it is the actual bachelor asking the parents if they choose the daughter to propose to at the end do they have the parents blessing which did not happen this you were surprised that i was less surprised by that. I was less surprised by that, because we are dealing with a cold-blooded contract killer, Ben Higgins, and he can't get attached like that. Because he's the best there is at what he does, and he certainly exhibited that this episode, but it makes his job that much harder if he gets that close, you know?

Yeah. Like, why put himself through that if he knows he's just going to ice these ladies? Well, and it surprisingly does work. Like, somebody like Chris Soules would go to the parent and say, hey, I'm not giving you any guarantees, but if I choose your daughter, do I have your blessing? And a lot of times they say yeah, even though they just met that person that day. It's a big topic conversation, so keep it locked in your mind, because we talked about it a lot during this episode. person that day it's a big topic conversation so keep it locked in your mind because we talked about it a lot during this episode there was one family that was so much more hesitant to like fully sign off on this crazy endeavor that everybody is a part of uh and and they they

framed it as like look at this weird mean family but isn't that what you would want like yeah hi i'm dating your daughter and also three other ladies anyway can i marry her or whatever no wow you guys are jerks um so let's start out so the very first date is amanda there's no expiration you said date there is no expiration date like how is that even legal from like an fda. I'm coming after everybody. I'm going to launch my own brand of vitamin enriched fluids. Called Rosewater? That would be pretty good. It would just be one flavor.

Could we call it Rose O'Donnell? No, hold on. It would be a wine. Let's launch our own wine called Rose O'Donnell. No, hold on. It would be a wine. Let's launch our own wine called Rose O'Donnell. And then the, fuck this whole vitamin water idea. Put that aside. No, the vitamin water idea is gone because we just landed on a way better idea. This is how iteration works. Steve Jobs was like, what if this, what if I could use this iPod as a walkie-talkie? And somebody else was like, that's a great idea. What if it was a phone? And he was like, oh, fuck, that's way better.

What if we do a vitamin wine, is what I'm saying. Vitamin wine called Rosé O'Donnell. What are we talking about? Like a white, a Cabernet, a Sauvignon, a Malbec? I mean, why not all? Why not all of them? It would be a Rosé blend with both white and red notes. And also Rosé O'Donnell's no i don't think she's hot right now you're right she's she's a little bit past her

expiration date huh not printed on her either we were watching an old season of survivor a couple months ago and i got got to the after show special. I was like, I can't wait to watch Jeff Probst unpack this. No, Rosie O'Donnell hosted that one. It was a very old season. And it was the craziest, like, what are you doing there, Rosie O'Donnell? Okay, we have to talk about the date. Okay, Amanda is the one that has two young children, and brings ben to her hometown which is um the oc

yeah the orange county no sign of ben no sign of seth i did well definitely sign ben yeah i meant ben mckenzie okay what's his character ryan yes fuck i want to watch the oc right now and you know this to be true you know this is not a joke uh so they set it up so she is on the beach with ben and a a handler which maybe is her sister i don't i don't know i didn't notice uh brings out her two children to her and she was like crying because she hadn't seen her kids like this is this is her her reunion with her kids and somebody we watched with a huge and rowdy group tonight i loved it but it was like a it was a squad we're quite we're amassing like a small army that we watch this

show it's braggy if we talk about it too much babe i think it's great and i think people will be excited for us was dana was there quote unquote dana and her and her boyfriend. Stan. Stan, they brought Egg McMuffins with prosciutto on them. Yeah, to go along. And they were the ones that mentioned it last week. And it's, can I say something? It was really good. Fucking works. It absolutely works.

Anyway, somebody was surprised. Like, how would they have this, like, this is gross. Why would they allow this reunion with the mother and the two daughters to, like, be on camera? And I was like, how would you think they wouldn't have that? Well, I feel like usually it doesn't happen that way. Doesn't usually the parent, like, escort their child into the setting? It hasn't happened that often, has it? No, that's true.

Like, Emily did that. Emily must have had the most strongly worded contract in the history of this show. Because there at the end she was like we're doing this shit my way or the highway yeah emily was the mother of a daughter uh and little ricky little ricky and she was very particular like nobody's meeting this kid until i have a ring on my finger she was also the bachelorette so she could right she definitely had the power um and then she picked the guy that she wanted when, like, halfway through the final episode, when they were final two, and she was like, I want this guy, so I'm going to go introduce

him to the daughter, and I'm going to tell the other guy to leave. And it was, like, the weirdest, most anticlimactic, but also, like, sweetest, oh, Jeff with one F. Yeah. Anyway, they meet the daughters, and... Yeah, and they're playing on the beach, and the daughters are understandably a little standoffish about Ben, but Ben is a real champ and just kind of keeps making effort over and over again. Good with kids.

We learned that from Caitlin's season. Well, and last week when they were at the boys club or whatever. Yeah, that's right. I forgot about that. I remember the thing from a year and a half ago better than I remember the thing from last week. You remember you had to give that speech about sex ed in front of that classroom full of kids

and everybody was flooding their basement? Not the kids. Oh, God, no. The kids weren't flooding their basement. Gross. The fact that you even had to put in that disclaimer makes you the gross one. So they play on the beach for a while. The kids seem to warm up to Ben.

One of them does. Ben's like holding them in his arms and holding their hands. And then they get back in the car and the kids are just tuckered out. And the youngest one. So I don't. It was Charlie and Kinsley. Charlie was the little one. And Charlie hated his fucking guts.

And nobody's going to ever. No, she was tired. No, I don't want to hear any of that. She saw the dark passenger that travels within ben that allows him to boot women off this show so efficiently which i'm not complaining it's good tv uh but she saw that that evil inside of him um and uh she was not having any of it yeah so she so she is crying and ben is like oh we're all worn out like They're pulling up to the house where Amanda's whole family is, and I think Ben's feeling a little bit like, she was good all day.

We had a really great time. They were the best. They really liked me. She's just crying because she's tired. We're cool, though. It's really great. He parted that kimono, though, for a minute as soon as he walked in, and the family was like, well, how were the girls?

And he was like, they were a lot. But, you know, it was really fun. Oh, okay, but I'm going to go off that. Did he say they were a lot? Yeah know it was really fun and oh okay but i'm gonna go off yeah yeah you tried to play it off but you could tell like that promo that they showed last week is like the teaser for this week's episode and it was like the girls crying and ben looking exasperated and you think like oh well that was clearly edited for i don't think that was really edited i think he was kind of like, I'm 26 years old. What the fuck am I doing? Well, and then they decide to put the kids down for a nap. And it shows Ben going with Amanda, which at that point, I'm like, hey, you know, she knows what she's doing.

Like, I appreciate you're trying to be, like, boyfriend of the year. But let her put her kids down. But he goes with her. And they basically, like, put them in bed and then just walk out. And the kids are, like, screaming. And they shut the door. She's like, oh, they'll be fine. it wasn't the most exploitative use of children that in fact i would say it's one of the less just to give you like a metric for how gross this show can get yeah i

would say it was one of the less exploitative the kids didn't have to like write a note to ben right how excited they were ben did ben's bedtime story to them was uh about him and that's later do you want to do that now i thought that's when he put him to bed no okay no they do the nap and while they're putting him down for the nap that's when the family's like all talking shit about ben he literally walks in there was like hey we're gonna put them down and then family's like okay what do you think about ben well i met him about four and a half seconds ago but uh it seems like he's got a dark passenger situation. It doesn't really seem like he's ready.

And they, like, had just met him in that moment. But then again, the first thing out of his mouth was, like, these fucking kids, you guys. Yeah. But I love them. But these little scoundrels. Oh, come here. It was like Bill Murray in Groundhog's Day, and it's, like, the first time after he has to repeat the date with Andy McDowell, and they try to do the snowball fight the same way with the kids.

He's like, oh, these kids, I love them. Are any of you guys up for adoption? It was like, all right, Ben, back up. Dial it back a little bit. But the parents, I mean, the parents are hesitant. But I don't remember them being particularly over the top. I don't remember them being particularly like over the top i don't remember them being anything at all yeah they were just kind of like they were tough the dad was kind of especially tough like sitting on the couch that was when i was like he is really like to

catch a predator in ben right now yeah because he's like so ben you sure you want to do this this is a lot you can't go all the time to the gym with your buddies anymore. Like, really leaning on him a little bit. Yeah, and Ben was not true to form with any of them. Ben was not like, don't worry, homie, I got this. Which I'm totally down with, because there have been seasons where The Bachelor's like, your daughter has nothing to worry about.

And then fucking an hour and 45 minutes later they got something to worry about yeah which is now i have to go catch a plane at lax and and take a red eye because i'm heartbroken yeah he did not do any of that shit he was like well if it if it happens between us we will it's going to be great if it happens if if if and when it happens yeah and then they flash forward to the bedtime story, which you were mentioning, which is a story that we think a sad producer with an MFA had to create, which is the love story of Ben and Amanda as a fairy tale. They started doing that, and I instinctively,

as I do a lot of the times when they pull this shit on the show, I was like, oh, God, oh, no, oh, no, oh, no, oh, no. But then it literally got to, like, one time there was a prince named ben and he lived in los angeles and he met a beautiful princess named amanda end of story like that's all that we got it was like okay so not a great bedtime story i'm guessing or ben just went at a certain point like i can't read this yeah this is awful. And then when he's saying goodbye to her, there's kind of a weird edit. Because they're talking about the kids. And Ben says, they're awesome.

And then Amanda says, okay, bye. Yeah, like, tell your family. No, he said, tell your family I said thanks. And then she was like, cool. He was like, no, seriously, they're awesome. And she was like, okay, bye. Okay. I love you. So not like, no, seriously, they're awesome. And she was like, okay, bye. I was like, okay. I love you.

So not like a passionate goodbye for those two. And then Lauren? Was that really all that happened on that? They really could have. They went to the beach. They went to the beach and they had a picnic, whatever. But they could have squeezed so much more juice out of these kids. I'm glad they didn't.

Because it was a feel good it was a feel good date for the most part which you don't usually get when when chillins get up in the mix but i felt okay about it i feel like these are the youngest kids that have ever been on the show does that seem right i mean little ricky was pretty little yeah but i feel like she was i don't know very mature very wise beyond her years. Absolutely. How do you think her and Emily are doing? Well, they're doing great. Emily's pregnant.

Yeah, she's like married again. Good for her. I think she already had that baby too. I don't think she's actually even pregnant anymore. We know somebody who's found Jeff with ONF on Tinder. So he's doing good, it sounds like. I want to know the true fucking story of what happened there. I want to know the deets.

Because they broke my heart. Part of me stopped believing in love that day for a minute. Yeah, I don't know what happened with them. They seemed so great. But they did not make it very long at all. They made it not long at all. Like a week. Like it was dunzo.

Yeah. All right, let's talk about lauren but lauren is in portland and uh the date starts out with uh her and ben walking around and they stand in front of this big keep portland weird mural and they look at it and they both literally like laugh out loud like i get it what and then they go to food trucks the food trucks is the best because sweet ben from indiana is like what food trucks he was blown away by the concept these but these restaurants have wheels! You just walk up and they serve you out of the... What? I don't...

What's the... They had some kind of like cheesy, buttery bread. That shit looked good. It had like an egg up in it. And then they had grilled cheeses. There was a lot of cheese on this date. Yeah, enjoy your fart date. I don't want to get blue on this show, but you're meeting her family

in a minute. Hi, how's it going? I'm Ben. I just gotta be straight up with you. I feel like shit right now. Can I go take a cheese nap in your bed? You seem nice. I'm crazy about your daughter and I want you to believe me. If it happens between us, it's gonna happen.

I've been farting all day and I'm literally, I'm exhausted from it. I need a room I can go in, preferably an entire book of matches. Do you have a room that you, like an expansion that you're currently building and have not yet painted? You're not going to believe this. I ate food out of a car today a man in a car gave me food and i i guess i shouldn't have eaten it because i farted my own body weight out which is crazy because it's it's a gas you can keep portland weird i guess i don't know so they do that and i'm like you know okay i'm familiar with food trucks in portland we gotta

get up to portland and then they go to the whiskey library yeah we'll be through a hell of a date yeah and it looks incredible floor to ceiling like bottles of like fancy looking alcohol yeah like leather furniture ben ben was very impressed yeah it's hard to throw a date on this show. These were some, that was probably the best date I've seen in a long time. Because a lot of time, like, one of the women, like, took, this was, like, from seasons past. I think it was Sean, or maybe even Ben Flajanek. And, yeah, because I think it was Courtney.

Courtney took him to like play baseball at like a public park and then pretended to get married to him at like an event space at the public park. Hey, shitty date. Yeah. Like, what are you doing? You know what's dope?

Like here's a pound and a half of cheese bread. Now let's go drink whiskey until we black out. Yes, Lauren B. That is sick. So on the couch in the whiskeykey Library, they have a little chat. And Ben talks about how he was worried Lauren was going to leave, which is kind of news to us. There was a weird, there must have been like a unsuccessful B plot that was just edited out of the show wholesale. Where she was like so homesick and he was worried that she was going to leave because she just missed her family so much.

And she was like, yeah, I know. It was hard there for a bit, but like that she was going to leave because she just missed her family so much and she was like yeah i know it was hard there for a bit but like i wasn't gonna leave it's like we didn't see yeah any of this uh so then they do they go to her house and it's like her mom and dad and sister and brothers and their 18 year old dog how many sick dogs is this show gonna make us look at through the course of the season and that's when the family says that this is the longest time she's ever been away i oh so we got that she must have not gone away to college she must have never gone on like a big trip before that's a good point um later later on there is a uh an important letter and the letter calls out the number of days that the women have been gone. It was 39 days.

That's not, I mean, I guess that's kind of a long time. But if you go to college, then it's, like, not at all. You're talking, like, months at that point. Anyway, yeah, meets the family. Family seems okay. The best family interaction we got was in the closing credits when the two brothers, who are significantly younger but dressed up like dapper boys with some fucking jc chazé haircuts yeah they look like 90s they look like 12 and 14 years old um they were like excuse me sir what are your plans for her sister vis-a-vis the bachelor the vis-a-vis the

fantasy suite and he was like wow he like takes a sip of wine he's like good question who well and one of the kids is like yeah you're gonna need that wine i was like damn okay but he was like i'm not gonna do anything to degrade her and he's like i'm not gonna put her in a position where she might degrade herself which is like a little suggestive yeah yeah we're not gonna we're not gonna you know listen we're gonna have consensual sex and it's gonna be great and it's gonna be tame because it's our first time but i mean i'm not gonna like there's not we're not gonna choke each other like what are you a bathroom humor on this episode i was gonna edit it out because now i'm um there's not gonna be any any water sports well is that

okay somehow that's better um not that there's anything wrong like if that's your thing whatever i'm just saying on tv it would probably be we're a very inclusive open-minded family here at rose rose rose buddies uh so the one revealing moment we have is when ben is talking to lauren's sister and lauren's sister is playing the kind of skeptical like well i just know i know there's other women still and i i don't know that you can say anything but if you could just tell me give me a sense of how you're feeling about lauren and he's she's like because lauren is lauren is a catch anybody's gonna want her she's you know smart and funny and blah blah and and he's like i know that i'm lucky and he's kind of tearing

up a little bit it's amazing because he's kind of dropping the ball with this sister because he's like he gives her her best his best line like i just feel so good about our relationship and we've come so far and i'm just so happy that your sister has given me some time from her life and your sister's like no not good enough like my sister is an extremely eligible bachelorette she could have anybody like i i need to know that you appreciate that like what what thing do you like about her that nobody else even knows and he's like i don't know and i'm like fuck ben like you you're you lost you lost this but then he in in subtitles we get sniffles. And I'm like, oh, shit, Ben, no. And he full-blown does a cry.

And the sister's like, aw. Yeah, she's like, that's all I needed. Fucking, he's so good at this. Yeah, he really is. Not for a million, million dollars. Episode one, what I predicted that I would like Ben better than maybe any Bachelor I've watched. He's just so good at being the Bachelor. Oh, you know, the one thing the dad does say is,

the dad is asking questions and, you know, how do you feel about her? And Ben says, when I saw her, the world stopped. He starts to cry a little bit again, right? Yeah, he tears up a little bit. He doesn't cry, but he tears up a little bit. And then Lauren's dad says, well, I mean, I felt that way too, but we dated for years. And Ben kind of looks confused, like, oh, is that a thing I could be doing?

Sorry, sir. I don't think you understand what's happening here. I have tears in my eye. I have tears in my eyes. I produce tears with my eyes. That's supposed to be like the end of it. Did you see? Maybe you didn't. Maybe you didn't see these bad boys, but they wet.

Sorry, son. I didn't see that they wet. I thought his confusion was more like, oh, are there people out there that actually date for more than a few weeks? And I thought that's what his face was saying. Maybe Ben's way of doing things is the right way to do it. Because he's been on, what, two dates with each of these women? After two dates, I know I was going to marry you. It's not that hard.

It's easy peasy. Ben only needs, I think he only needs two days. I feel like people would take a year and a half or longer just dragging their heels what two dates are you calling out in particular because we didn't really go on dates no you just you know oh god a lot we played a lot of scrabble that is true uh like i hate this uh laura doesn't say loves him, even though it seems like she wants to. She doesn't say it. Yeah, well, it doesn't seem like she wants to.

She says, I want to say the words I love you in English to this man who understands English and will understand my words when I say it to him. And then she didn't do it. Nope. Chickened out. Chickened out. Next is Kaila's date, and it is pro is pro man her date is the most professional thing i have ever seen it was like in what regard it was like a groupon it was like it was like they went to a

toy factory and she's like cool look at these toys hey you know what ben we're gonna get to design this toy today and i'm saying it ben looked like a Make-A-Wish kid in that moment. He was like, I get to design toys? It was like, all my dreams are coming true. We do need to take a moment here and talk about the fact, and many of the people in the Rose Buddies Facebook group, which, guys, I can't stress this enough, is fire. Like four different people were like, okay, Kyla001's dad is a toy maker?

You cannot make this shit up. She is an automaton. She is Deus Ex Machina. She is, well, that's not the thing. She's Ex Machina, the movie. She's a cybernoid woman. She's a cybernoid. What is that?

She's annoyed. She's a pizza-destroying, bin-loving robot. She's cybernoid. What is that? She's annoyed. She's a pizza-destroying, bin-loving robot. She's incredible. Yeah, no, she is, like, so on her game. Like, she could do Chris Harrison's job, I feel like, after watching this episode. She could be the president. She's a Replenoid. She could become the president of America, and we wouldn't know it.

But she is doing real good business for her dad, because they designed their own unique house. And I bet you anything, if her dad is a shrewd businessman, he is selling those houses now for, like, twice the price. Let's... Watch our terminology. Her... That was the fingers. Dad. Is that gonna pick up? Are they gonna gonna hear that her dad is deep blue the

chess playing computer so unless her the chess playing computer gained sentience somehow and started investing in this toy manufacturing company let's call her dad what he is griffin's doing a lot of air quotes now if you can't hear hear it. Which is a humanoid supplicant to Deep Blue, who has been told, like, when the flesh hits the fan, you will be the king of humanity. By which I mean the only human left among our colony of silence. He's Gaius Baltar. Does that make sense? I think you've lost me. tar does that make sense i think you've lost me he's guy as baltar in that like he's buds with the silence because he's terrified of them oh okay it's a it's a it's a begrudging friendship

that the flesh dad of kyla god not not her programmer who is dr dr love and her actual progenitor which is deep blue what it's what's confusing you about this because you look confused so who is her who is the dad that we see on on this episode that's gaius baltar the dad that was he involved in constructing her at all because you said like toy factory like no he's just putting on he's putting on a front he's putting on like an act so the fact that he owns a toy factory deep blue owns the toy factory okay okay but you can't have it you can't like walk into the boss's office of the toy factory and have like a giant russian computer sitting there okay um the other thing that happens so they go into the warehouse they've got little hard hats on

and then ben probably as a result of some strong prompting recreates the officer in the gentleman scene where he carries her out they have like a weird that that scene was like yeah it was real weird it was like they decided on the spot like let's have a weird pseudo like heavy metal music video like as they like did like manufacturing work and then pivot to this officer and a gentleman thing yeah because you know what millennials love is officer right it seemed like somebody while they were there was like you know it'd be great let's just do this thing right now yeah sure fuck it whatever uh so then we get to meet um kaila's quote dad and her mom which is uh a woman from the philippines her real mom her so she gets a real mom yeah yeah well she had to get you know you're saying that woman gave birth to a robot like physically out of her body i'm not ready to call kaila zero zero one a robot i think she's far more sophisticated than that oh god room a roomba is a fucking robot

but you can't fall in love with a roomba she's some sort of like bio organism like there's some there's some metal in there but it's not you know you know that actually leads interestingly to a phrase that i had never heard before that kyla's quote dad says which is you know Ben you have what I like to call microwave fame I love that I know I like that phrasing and I think it fits nicely with our our our theme um but yeah he's you know he's again kind of like he's the skeptical dad um Like, he's the skeptical dad. And Kyla pulls her dad aside and is like, you know, I just I know this is it. And her dad's like, you know, there's no rule book for love. Like, I know that you feel this way, darling.

Darling, I know that you feel this way. And, you know, but I just want you to be careful. And then her eyes started to emit this weird blue light, and she opened her mouth, and some Ethernet cable started to snake out of it. And then he was like, I'm sorry, I remember my place. And then he went to his box. His box?

Mm-hmm. What is his box? You know, his punishment. His punishment box. Oh, okay. Yeah. Kaila also does not say that she's in love with Ben. But she's said it before.

Hadn't she? I don't... I mean, they were acting like she hadn't. I don't know. Can we talk about her mom? Her mom was cute as a button. Her mom was really cute. She made this, like, traditional, like, Filipino mealipino meal it was like explaining how they do yeah she was like you ever been with

filipino before and he was like no she was like let me tell you about her food customs i was like okay i thought that was going like a different direction mom she had adult braces and let me just say she pulled it off and then that's when the dad was like let me just say you've got you've got this interesting benefit with kayla you're you're really you're getting into the the filipino community and and you can tell kayla's just really uncomfortable just like i don't know what is happening right now yeah um but ben's ben's down yeah ben seems to have a good time. Things go well. Were there any brothers or sisters there? I can't remember.

I can't remember either. Again, probably adding some credence to the theorem. Let's call it what it is at this point, which is a fucking conspiracy. If this kind of technology exists, the implications for that extend far beyond this reality television show and this podcast about the reality television show well i don't have any siblings do you think i'm some kind of advanced technology no i think you're an angel what i'm saying if rachel and i ever disappear one day, turn your eyes toward Ohio, which is where they live. Or HEB, because they're going to be real upset about our trash talk on this app. I'm not trying to arrange a boycott or anything like that.

I want to get in touch with them and say, excuse me, first of all, you owe me three fucking bottles of Super Water Zero that I paid 58 cents for a piece. And I'm disgusted that you would endanger me like that because i'm your most loyal customer maybe ever but i want to get this thing fucking right because the thought of me living my life without drinking any more of this amazing nutrient-filled poison juice like bums me right out well you are drinking vitamin water zero right now that has no expiration date wait i see i see i see it the light is catching it right there do you see it june 27th 16 yeah see this is good okay this is good this is good to go okay you did drink almost the whole bottle before you saw that that's halfway through i could pump that out

of my veins as much i've definitely drunk some rotten ass uh super water zero at this point i'm like rasputin like i've been slowly poisoning myself i can like just drink botulism and just like shoot it out of my pores there's like a black cloud that comes out of me every time i drink that good good juice last date joelle jojo in d. Very close to us. And so we know from the teasers that this date is going to be a mess. But what we aren't expecting is the ex-boyfriend Chad. It's going to be a fucking mess. It was a disaster from toe to tip.

It was just a complete horse circus. I am almost never surprised by the show just in the way that they tease certain things, you know, they're coming for weeks. But when Jojo walks up to the door and there are flowers, everybody in the room was like, did Ben, did Ben give her flowers and write her this note? And she's reading the note out loud. And you are thinking, Ben is, what does this mean? What is about to happen? And then you can tell JoJo is having the same thought because she flips to the end. It is from her ex-boyfriend, Chad. XOXO, Chad. All right.

Let's go one layer deeper because that's why people listen to this show. There's a lot of Bachelor podcasts, but they take that surface level shit and they run with it. That was, I'm not going to say that's not a man's handwriting because that's hugely normative and problematic what i am going to say is it was not a chad's handwriting i don't i don't because then she calls him on the phone like you know that this is real she's talking to chad on the phone she's talking to a man oh my god you can't go this deep no i can't go that deep i think that part was honest and earnest but what are the odds that unless chad got wise and ran his own fucking guerrilla campaign for jojo and if that's the case that's love because there was probably they probably had that street roped off they probably

had a lot of shit a producer would see the flowers and note and be like is that our boys no that's love because there was probably they probably had that street roped off they probably had a lot of shit a producer would see the flowers and note and be like is that our boys no that's not our boys get that the fuck off there i could see chad because you know jojo's family had to know that she was coming from what i know about chad i'll tell you about chad no but chad must have like very easily could have talked to somebody in jojo's family found out she was going to be in town jojo's horrible family yeah maybe one of the brothers jojo's bizarre family yeah okay so anyways that was a really good anime joke so chad writes this note that's basically like uh i've done a lot of growing up i realized that i love. And so she calls him and he's like, you know, you taught me what love was. And, uh, you know, if, if you're done, tell me right now on the phone.

This is the man who Jojo had previously told Ben about that she had given all of her energy to this person who had not given it back. And in fact, had given it to somebody else. Like, I didn't think that this was ever going to be a thing. Like, they hadn't built it. This is why it was so surprising. It's because this show builds shit up forever and then you usually don't get a satisfying enough payoff

for the amount of buildup they put into it. This was like they gave you no forewarning at all. And then they kind of, it's like they gave us a little bit and they show, as if it's happening at the same time, they show her on the phone not saying much to Chad. And then Ben walking up the driveway towards her place. And then he says that line, Chad says that line on the phone of like, if you're done, just tell me. And then we don't get her response. And then Ben shows up. And so we're where is an audience like what just happened yeah uh and we're like you know is is she gonna say something to ben is she gonna tell him and she's like crying and

immediately tells ben ben's like what's going on i don't know what's going on it's weird from an editing point of view because in the conversation ben is like worried he's like what's going on this is so weird and she's like i have to tell you i got this letter from chad with her huge glass of wine oh my god she's drinking i made the point it was like the uh inside amy schumer bit where they did friday night lights and she played tamie taylor who was always drinking like a like a 40 of white wine uh it was it was that fishbowl comically big. And then there was like a behind the scenes, like in the moment, like camera thing with Ben. And he was like, I've been in situations like this before and it's never worked out for me.

And she's like, but I told him I didn't want him anymore. And I was like, if she really did that and it really did play out like that, why wouldn't they show that on camera? Because that would be great. Like one of the Bachelorettes like breaking up with an ex. Yeah, i wondered if us as the audience were supposed to like doubt that that's really what happened you know that maybe she didn't say that and that's just what she's telling ben it's weird it seems like the obvious thing but i think the better thing is like nothing's better on this show than when the women who are contestants on the show get a like a modicum of power in their hands after, what, two months of not having any of it whatsoever and just being like,

obeying the whims of a capricious production staff. Yeah, no, she definitely had all the power in that moment. Right, but why wouldn't they show it? If you're going to break up with a dude, I want to see that shit that conversation may have lasted an hour or it may have been chad may have cried for like 17 minutes listen if i know chad yeah we know chad we know chad i call him sad chad because when he starts going oh boy he doesn't stop going we used to call him rad chad but but then he started being so fucking sad all the time. Ever since JoJo.

That relationship was bad for both of them. So the one thing that Ben says that's weird is JoJo's telling him about this conversation, and Ben says, I wish I could have sat beside you while you were doing it. Hey, Ben. What? That's the weirdest thing to say i wish i could have known you were having that conversation and gotten on a plane and flown away and come back a week later ben was gonna be in the background like yeah yeah that's right you know that's right go jojo just like cheering her on yeah Yeah, Chad. Eat my dick, Chad.

You know the score. It's your boy, Ben. We're real happy, Chad. I know all about her mouth. What? From the kisses. The kisses they have together. Sexually charged episode of Rosebuddies.

You started it. Yeah, so you see that and you think like maybe things are gonna work out between these two crazy kids yeah and then it's time to go to jojo's parents house and she i rachel we've been together for a long time and when i travel for work or whatever and i come home and like if you pick me up from the airport we always have like a very tender and happy reunion i have never treated you the way that jojo's two brothers treated her when she walked in the door both from like an emotional and also in a like physical intimate level they like came at her from both sides and just, just like a dozen smooches,

just, just, just all over her. Like if they were, if they were playing hockey, it would have been a foul. It was an aggressive, it was an aggressive,

like, like, and you, there's two of you and they're not even Ben, who has also walked in the door. I think one of them was like, hey, how's it going, buddy? And we should also say that they're both, like, much older than Jojo. Yes. Like, these are not, like, 14-year-old, like, mama's boys.

These are, like, grown men who are, like, unhealthily obsessed with their little sister. boys these are like grown men who are like unhealthily obsessed with their little sister let's talk about the fact that the squad really came together to like to harriet the spy the shit out of jojo's whole situation yeah because when when chad sent that letter in somehow somebody was like i found his instagram account like what how did you do that um He looks like a Chad. And then they also found that one of JoJo's brothers was on Eva Longoria's Ready for Love show. I don't know what that was. Was it a VH1 production? Because I think VH1 had a series of like, here's a famous attractive woman. Because they did the Lisa Loeb one.

And it was like, yeah, they did a Lisaisa loeb one and it was like yeah they did like a lisa loeb like i'm single and totally ready to mingle and i wrote the greatest love song of the 90s and does anybody want to date me huh i didn't know about that i think this was part of that same series and one of these brothers was on that show and you could tell he was tv ready because he wanted to soak up every fucking second of the spotlight yeah his hands on yeah they the family the the mom and dad and the dad especially are like uh you know we just we really we want you to to be here and would you consider moving you know because because if you moved here you would have this support system and you know jojo's brothers are quote really attached to jojo um that's one way of putting it yeah for sure and then at this point the brothers pull

ben away and try and like really put the screws on him like what's what's happening here what can you tell us and ben kind of hedges a little bit. He's like, whoa, there's still a lot of time at this point. I don't know. I don't know what I want to do. He says, we just need some assurances because it's our sister and we love her so much. We're her brothers and we love her and she's our sister and we love her. As brothers. As brothers.

You know how it is. As brothers because she's our sister and we love her and she's our sister and she's our brother. I mean, we. As brothers. You know how it is. As brothers, because she's our sister and we love her. And she's our sister. She's our brother. I mean, we're the brothers. You might say that she is a sister and that as a sister, we are her brothers. But we just need some assurances. And he was like, well, you know, there's still a lot of time. And JoJo and I still need to have a lot of tough conversations.

I was like, what the fuck, Ben? Yeah. He was not having the brother attack. I was like, what the fuck, Ben? Yeah, he was not having the brother attack. Most of the family was pretty understandably hesitant about this whole thing. And this is what I was talking about earlier. Just like, you're dating three other women? Yeah, you've met three other families and had these exact conversations.

That's the thing that bothers me. It's not the dating other people. It's the, this situation we're having right now is crazy. Like, we're not TV people, and we're having this situation with you, and this is your fourth time doing it. You've had these exact same conversations. This is the fourth time that you've had them. That's, that's insane.

The dating part is, like, bad, but whatever. It's a TV show. Like, that's what happens. But you're, these conversations where you're supposed to, like, make us feel good about it, you're doing that to everybody else. So, like, what the fuck is the point of any of this thing that we're doing here? Yeah. I don't feel secure about this at all.

Yeah. Well, that's why it surprises me that families don't just ask Ben questions about Ben. I mean, I guess they're prodded into asking the questions they do. But it seems like, okay, clearly we're not going to get an authentic answer out of you about how you feel about our daughter. So let's just find out, like, who are you? They should, though, because the result is then we, the TV viewing Bachelor Nation, get to see the same date four fucking times in a row. And there's a gradient to, like, how chill they are about it. But otherwise, it's just like, do you love my daughter?

I don't know. We've got some tough conversations to have. But we'd be very happy in the future. Good enough for me. Or not good enough for me. And then bye. Do you want to talk about evil timeline Dr. Phil? He was a handsome young dad.

He was a handsome young dad. He looked like Dr. Phil with slightly darker features. I don't remember anything he said. that's literally all i wrote down about him um you know he said the usual stuff the mom was like go for it yeah the mom was balling she drank wine straight out the bar that the whole family got together i don't know where jojo was during this interaction but the whole family got together like fully grill him and the brothers were like you have these women brainwashed because you're having these same conversations with them all across the country and the the women jojo who's like our sister who has a good head on

her shoulders is like i don't know i think i'm in love with them i think it's the she's the one and you've been on two dates with them and that's crazy and like as these brothers are coming at ben the mom is just like slamming rose O'Donnell right out the bottle. Yeah. They were like, oh, you've only been on two dates. And the mom is kind of like, oh, well, you know, she's really holding back. Like she's kind of holding back. And the brothers are like, oh, no, my read is that she's really emotionally invested. And she's trying to pretend like she's kind of holding back and the brothers are like oh no my my read is that she's really emotionally invested and she's trying to pretend like she's not and

to see my sister get more emotional than i would like as a brother as a brother um part of part of me is like they were definitely the worst of all time was des's brother yeah who like made the conscious decision before the camera crew got there like i'm gonna bomb this thing yeah i'm gonna try and get my own vh1 reality dating show like nightmare person yeah this thing i don't think they went quite that far but they were definitely like they did say because ben was trying to answer you know constructively and at one point one of the brothers was like hey you know maybe you've been answer, you know, constructively. And at one point, one of the brothers was like, hey, you know, maybe you've been coached. Maybe you've been coached to say stuff like that.

And I was like, that must have been the TV brother. Yeah. Who was like, listen, I have a little bit of production experience. Yeah, I know how this works. That part was, like, bad. But at the same time, like, I totally, like, yeah, like, totally. These hometown dates are, like, garbage. Because you go there and you meet the families

but the expectation is like you you gotta get some assurances and it never ever ever ever ever happen part of me really likes hometown dates uh because sometimes it can go catastrophically bad most of the time it can be like really really predictable i do too because i mean you know like all the women start to seem really similar you know they all seem very polished and then you finally get to go to their hometown and you realize they all have different parents and different families and aren't the same person uh then they left things in a surprisingly okay place like we sounded pretty negative but the dad was like listen we know you can't tell us that you're like down for sure but you guys seem happy and as long as you're you're cool about it

like yeah have fun just you know, be smart. Yeah. And I think JoJo's a little nervous because Ben does say that he got grilled by the brothers and the brothers were skeptical. Oh, and the brothers did tell JoJo, like, we don't think Ben's as invested as you are, which was pretty cold. And pretty true. Yeah, probably pretty true. Probably extremely true. But yeah, but then the date ends and we're supposed to, I guess, be a little nervous about JoJo.

But we all thought, like, Amanda's going home. Like, clearly Amanda's going to go home. Well, I mean, it's the final three. It's been JoJo, Kyla's 001, and Lauren B for a while now. Yeah. Yeah, and it's not unusual for the bachelor bachelorette after meeting the children to realize like how real this is and how they really need to shut it down see i forgot that i was under the impression like you can't meet this woman's kids and then send her home the same

but yeah that is actually when you do it yeah ideally actually you do it before yeah and that was amanda's point when she got ditched in the rose ceremony she's like i wish you would have told me when we were in my hometown instead of making me come back out to la and doing it here it's the most brutal if this is the first season where it's really sunk in that the hometown's rose ceremony is the most brutal rose ceremony because he comes to your hometown and then you make all four of the women come to los angeles yeah get get dressed up come to los angeles do a rose ceremony and then one of those women is getting right back on the plane to go back home.

Yeah. That sucks, man. Yeah. Especially for that poor mom. Yeah. And that's, and that's what she said.

Like, I really just wish you hadn't made me fly to Los Angeles and come back. And he feels really bad. And you see him kind of tear up a little bit in front of the camera. I don't know about those tears. I think he was crocking it. What? Oh, like crocodile tears i have to keep up with your youth slang i'll hear about that one in highlights magazine um yeah i thought it was a pretty good i i i was so excited for hometowns and then watching then watching it, I realized, like, oh, no, I actually usually hate Hometowns.

Because it usually is, it's, like, at that point, so obvious who's going to go home during the Hometowns. And it was kind of obvious during this one. But it's also just usually boring, because it's the same four dates. Like, maybe every other season you get, like, any amount of conflict. They usually trump it up. Like, they usually play it up it up like way worse than it actually is they play the bachelor like ding ding ding ding ding music you know that high that high string music they play when it shows like something goes terribly terribly wrong during one of the

dates but it's like the dad's like are you sure about my daughter and they try to play that up like he really puts the irons to him well i, I feel like every season there is, there's one family that they kind of tease. It's like, this family goes off the rails. Right, but a lot of times, the going off the rails is like, I'm not sure. It's like, as far as it goes. At least JoJo's family went a little bit ham. But also, like, let's talk about the fact that now this final three, this is an intense final three. I know I gave the the

cast like a lot of shit because they didn't play the game very hard uh for a lot of the season and jojo is kind of a late bloomer um but this final three is like this is good final three yeah from the teaser we get confirmation that they all will declare their love to ben um and that he will tell two of them he reciprocates twice he is in love with them um which has only happened once before i think it was chris souls like told one of the women i love you um are you 100 on kyla and lauren here's the thing here's the thing i the thing i am most sure of is that kyla 001 will be the next bachelorette knowing that that that role is usually filled by third place has second has runner-up ever been i guess it's happened a couple times but most common most commonly third place when you go out in third place

it's usually a really heartbreaking send-off even worse than the second place well emily emily won her season and she got dumped after the Rose. Yeah. And she came back as the Bachelorette. So there's no, like, hard and fast rule. Yeah, it just seems like it seems like they're setting up a Lauren B. JoJo finale.

I don't know. I don't know. I definitely think the connection is, I don't know. I think Lauren B. is going to win. That's the thing I'm most sure of. Yeah. But I don't know, because we have that crazy know. I think Lauren B is going to win. That's the thing I'm most sure of. Yeah. But I don't know, because we have that crazy teaser. I'm actually really excited about this season. It has really turned around for me.

I know I was hard on it, like, in the middle of the season, because it kind of slumped down for a bit. I have no idea what's going to happen in that crazy finale, where it seemed like he sent two different women home in the finale and then called up a third party to like be like hey holler i have no idea what's gonna happen there yeah i don't know i don't even have predictions if it weren't for that i'd be like 100 sure like lauren b is gonna take the take the crown she might still but i just don't know what's happening you got me you got me chris harrison who was like in this episode for four seconds this is the least that we've ever seen him it was literally i didn't even think he was Chris Harrison. Who was like in this episode for four seconds. This is the least that we've ever seen him. It was literally.

I didn't even think he was going to come in at the rose ceremony. But if he just walked in one day and was like, Lady's been his final rose to see, let me let you. Um, yeah. Fantasy Suites next week. Should we talk about what happens there? A say-ex.

Let's save it for next week okay um this episode's already been blue enough that's true um thanks for listening sorry it was the worst episode ever i just wasn't hydrated correctly you're listening to it being like griffin wasn't funny and his voice was like really gravely yep that yes i agree it's not on me though i'm not gonna drink some poison-ass water. Should we tell them about the reviews on iTunes? Yeah, if you could listen. We've reached that point. We've hit podcast puberty. We're going to ask you to please review the show on iTunes. It helps us a lot. We're doing surprisingly, extremely well. There is another Bachelor podcast that is put out by the huffington post

it's good it's a good podcast they get a lot of big names uh but you know they they they trounce us pretty frequently yeah we're getting squished uh which is fine this is a path this is a passion project we're gonna do this no matter what but we know a lot of you are listening and we would love we would love your feedback honestly just to be to be frank, the Facebook group is a source of constant joy for me and Rachel. There are over 900 people in the Facebook group now. Thank you to Mary Costa. Yes. Who did some wonderful art.

Yeah, we're obsessed with it. It's the lock screen on both of our phones now. Yeah, it's amazing. And thank you all for listening. I'm Griffin McElroy. I'm Rachel McElroy. When you're ready. Stay with us on this journey of joy.

Spoiler alert. She is up with Soulja Boy. Right reasons. Right reasons. Can't figure out all four seasons.