Wonderful! - Roze Buddiez: Are You The One?

Episode Date: April 5, 2016

Yes, it is. The one, I mean. Sorry, let's back up: Rachel and Griffin, in their continued journey through the land of reality dating TV, have just watched a show called Are You The One. It was like a refreshing spring breeze after the harshest winter imaginable. MaxFunDrive ends on March 29, 2024! Support our show now by becoming a member at maximumfun.org/join.

Maybe, maybe you should go and do some contemplating. Right reasons, right reasons, being with your girl for all the right reasons. Right reasons, right reasons, being with your girl for all the right reasons. I'm the best rat and I'm rapping to your pool sign. Here to find true love, one man, one soul. Hi, this is Rachel McElroy. Hi, this is Griffin McElroy. And this is Rose Buddies.

It's like a, weight has been a great weight. It's like a cool breeze. It's like a weight has been a great way it's like a cool breeze it's like a cool love lifts us up where we belong a little pitchy yeah a little pitchy i can say that about it but love has lifted me up to where i belong today today we looked at are you the one and i took a fucking stern look in its eyes we met eyes as strangers and i said are you the one and it said yeah i am i think it was i think it was that l-o-f-s lofts love at first sight little acronym i came up with little dan acronym that's what i call it sometimes sorry everybody i'm just in a i'm in a great mood that was my first beer of the evening

opening it sounds like i'm drunk but i'm just drunk on joy because i found her the one um those of us that have been going through this process together uh we watched flavor of love and then we watched paradise hotel 2 it was 40 40 years in the desert both were pre 2010 correct uh and pre good yeah they were pre before on the good scale it landed somewhere pre it very terrible uh are you the one season three episode one i think is probably just in the past year yeah it seemed fresh it seemed now it was weird the production values were good yes which was a strange it was like an alien i felt like um i i had stockholm syndrome with my tv and it just just beaten me down for two straight experimental show watches and then it came in with that cool cloth i washed my face i'm sure

whatever the fuck we dive into next is gonna be like are you cool is your face cool and wet okay great i'm gonna put these electric paddles on your nipples with rock of love sean sean michaels is gonna put paddles right on those nips i don't think we go back to the of love it's gonna be hard to go back to anything i know it's so good okay let's talk about this show it is modern like rachel said genuinely good production values uh it's been awesome since i've watched an mtv show the whole like modern music shit and like that's how they get their music on now i completely forgot about that i haven't watched an mtv show in a very very long time what was the mtv well i guess real world right we watched a season a real world or two together that's a hard tv i'm surprised that show took off because it's hard to

say isn't it say then say the name of the the show that they do where they fight the people on the other show oh the real world road rules shoot it happened fucking tongue twist real world road It happened. Fucking tongue twister. Real World Road Rules Challenge. Real World Road Rules Challenge. Inferno Season 4. Apocalypse. Fates. Red Leather, Yellow Leather. This show is well cast, I'll say. A lot of diverse, interesting characters, I will say.

I will say that every show we've watched since The Bachelor or Bachelorette has been markedly more diverse than those shows. Yes, absolutely. I don't necessarily think... Oh, no, it's not like they're, like, handling a utopia where race doesn't exist. Oh, fuck, should we do an episode of Utopia? This is Utopia. It's not a dating show. Let's get a brand new start.

Is it not a dating show? Because I remember fucking new start is it not a dating show because i remember fucking hex and what's his face wow you remembered i think her name was hex anyway it was for sure um griffin and i were the only ones that watched utopia and loved it so much so that when that show got canceled i feverishly got on the internet trying to find out what happened to these people where are they now yeah i was googling it it was a show where they did they posted these people up in a utopia and they gave them like ten thousand dollars to build a self-sustaining society and of course it was like bonnaroo without the music right and they blew all of it instantly and then had to get jobs and shit but the thing was you could pay for a pass to watch them all through these security

cameras like 24 7 so when you google like okay well the show's gone so what's up with hex like the top million results are people like uh here is a a capture of her breast that i found on the live stream i was watching uh for um the internet's the internet's the worst but are you the one is the best is the best okay so this takes place in hawaii so first off, great location. Terrific location. Expensive locale. Yeah. The host is Ryan Devlin. I'm going to say it. Fucking great job. At the end, during that final ceremony, which we'll get to, which was very tense, he handled that shit like a magician. He was making hand signals like, two! Like putting him out there like some sort of fucking wrestling referee. I was into him. I was feeling him.

There are ten men and there are 10 women and these 10 men and 10 women have 10 weeks or 10 chances 10 weeks yeah well i don't know if it's we don't know for sure it's weeks yeah that's a lot of weeks 10 chances to find their perfect match which has been very carefully chosen for them through i did dr love fucking get a hand on this one because we talked to your friends we talked to your family we talked to your exes and then they said something about psychology they said dr love came in yeah each of you smell one another secretly without she has a sour smell i didn't love it it's too bad because that's your future wife dog um so yes you're matched up you're matched up through fucking weird science and all 10 so every

person there has to find their perfect match in the same week let's say yeah um in order to get a million dollars split between the 10 of them imagine the game mastermind you ever play that where you had like the five different colored pegs, and there's four holes, and then you had to guess the sequence of the other person, and they would tell you, like, how many you have in the right place, and how many you have... It's kind of like that. You gotta guess... Or Battleship.

Battleship's something, I know. Not the same. A little bit. It's got pegs going in holes. Is that what you... And you have... These MTV shows got you feeling randy. I get why my family didn't want me to watch the MTV shows growing up.

Well, Spring Break. It's amazing. I bet if I went back and watched MTV Spring Break from the late 90s, it would be more tame than The Bachelor. Did you watch The Grind? No, I did not watch The Grind. It was just a bunch of wiggling people dancing on each other? Was it a Spring Break special or was it 24-7? It was just a fucking island somewhere.

I feel like it was especially heightened during spring break. But they would put all these people out on platforms and have them dance. I would get tired. I would get so tired. Yeah, you didn't really ever see. Are they allowed to get off the platforms and take a rest? Not that I ever saw.

Oh my God, I would get so tired. It was strange because I don't think anybody really understood why they were watching it. Maybe other than to figure out some hot dance moves or to see some yeah it sounds like sexy soul train not the soul train wasn't sexy you know what i mean i mean i'm 28 years old i have no idea how sexy soul train was but i'm guessing it was um okay how long do you think i could grind uninterrupted i mean i've seen you go to town at weddings uninterrupted length of grindage how long do you think I could go if it was like one of those like uh sock hop contests

where you're like raising money for the JC and so you're you're you're doing the Charleston and also you're Will Bailey and it's and I think this is a flattering guess okay I'm gonna say four hours a whole I was gonna say like 45 fucking minutes are you kidding me four hours yeah i think so my spine would telescope you couldn't do all your like super aerobic moves okay but i'm going if i'm fucking grinding you would have to do like a lot of your way switch you have to do a lot of your air saxophone and that would have to count it's a binary zero or one grind or not grind whole bean i'm not gonna whole bean it out there i'm gonna grind um we have to explain the rules of are you

the one because they're very complicated they're not that complicated i think they are i think they are genius i like a good i mean it's why i write about games that's why i like love games and i'll watch any sport even the boring ones is i love a good rule set. I know. This show has a killer rule set. I know. Okay, 10 men, 10 women, got to find their perfect matches as determined by Dr. Love and a game of Guess Who on a high-stakes scale.

If they can do that, everybody on the show splits a million dollars. So if all 20 of them are there, everybody gets 50 Gs. The only thing I'm unsure about these rules is there are conditions where you will leave the house and go live in a different place. I don't know if those people still get access to that money or not.

We tried to Google and could not elucidate. We are new to this program. It's not an especially important hiccup, I guess. Let's go over the rest of the rules. So the other rules, if nobody gets a match, then the amount of money, which this is apparently new this season then the amount of money which this is apparently new this season the amount of money decreases by a quarter of a million dollars yes so if they do what they call a blackout and nobody identifies the right match uh then that money drops significantly so uh it's it's difficult the only sort of they they have challenges, which, again, I love.

I love... I mean, Paradise Hotel 2 could have desperately used challenges other than Underwear Party, which was a challenge nobody wins. I'm so smoky as hell right now. This is like... I did Adventure Zone earlier today, and it wasn't even that... It's that WrestleMania's caught up to me. WrestleMania. Were you yelling a lot?

Yeah, David. Were you doing a lot of yelling? Yeah. What kind of things would you yell? I actually got a vine of when uh when shane mcmahon jumped off the hell in a cell and he fell like two stories and went through a table did you scream at the top i screamed uh and i have this in the vine i tweeted it and when i tweeted it my phone was on mute because we were driving home at like 3 a.m last night and my phone was on mute i didn't realize the vine like perfectly captures me going oh my god like

voice cracking nerd ass shit uh yeah i screamed a whole lot anyway uh 10 matches 10 10 men 10 women 10 matches they don't match they lose a quarter million of the prize pool as long as they get one match they're all safe for the week so they have to deduce, based on how comfortable and confident they feel, they have to sort of deduce how to continue in the future. If you get a low number, then obviously a lot of you are wrong. I imagine once you get up into the eights, like eight of you are right, that's where you lose your fucking mind. And Griffin was talking, and it's true, like, we were kind of surprised that episode one, they weren't immediately like, Setting up speed dating.

Let's sit down at a table. Let's write out an essay about ourselves. Let's read these essays. Like, let's take this seriously. I mean, you could come up with a rudimentary, I'm gaming the system right now. You come up with a rudimentary scoring system of just like, here's my top five matches.

And then you compile that data between all 20 of the people and you should be able to come up with some sort of some sort of yeah you gotta get scientific about it but the the data there's gonna be so fucked up by the dudes who are like the that one yeah all the dudes like oh yeah that one that yeah that one right there maybe they do that later on because but dudes are the worst we're fucking weird salamander people and so it's just like the that one of that one of course like that one i don't get the point you're making i'm getting like dudes are gonna be like if there's like one person who throws off the attractiveness curve a hundred percent of the dudes are gonna be like that is that that's like we all want Cheyenne. Yeah, I feel the connection with Cheyenne.

My heart is in Cheyenne. So maybe that wouldn't work. And maybe, like, you have this element of, like, you know better than anybody else. You don't want to groupthink this shit. You want to protect your couple. Because, oh, I know it's her. And so I don't want somebody else, like, fucking up the data. I know it's her.

And so we don't want to. There's so many layers to this that I'm unpacking. Like, a new type of thing i'm so into it yeah um so yeah you you uh you go there's a challenge in the middle of the episode after everybody's like you know gotten drunk and made out and bone down there was an implication of bone down in this episode well let's i mean let's let's chronologically yeah let's go okay so there's another big gameplay element that i is like that's when the show yeah when i was like oh i'm gonna watch more of this show when they revealed the thing um okay so the host tells us that this group collectively represents one big ass relationship fail and that's when i was like rachel turn it off um and then we learn a little

bit about each contestant and we find that they all have terrible taste in finding partners um that a lot of them have been victims of you know being cheated on being broken up with this choosing people that are just horrible it's a lot man there's was it who was it that was like people that are just horrible people. Who was it that was like, I've been cheated on 19 times? It was Rashida. Rashida said, I've been cheated on.

I've been cheated on, I've been broken up with, I've been dumped on Valentine's Day twice. Twice? Rashida? Here's the thing. Were those two concurrent V-days? Because after the second one, it's like, all right, fool me once, Valentine's Day. Here's the thing, and I'm going to say this.

I think a lot of it boils down to these are very attractive people who exclusively try and date people that are very attractive first and foremost yeah and what i kept hearing over and over again you're speaking from experience no not at all before you met me you were in the circuit before you like once you slum out the circuit you're out the fucking game like you're dropped out of the circuit i think you could if you if you drop my ass you can get back in that circuit like tomorrow i don't think that's true i think you can get back in it tomorrow i think there is a certain kind of attractive where you just feel like there's a certain there's a certain a bar that you deserve and you're focused on that above anything else i think that's what's happening to these people and some of them even said that

like one woman said like oh i've dated a baseball player i've dated a ufc fighter uh he was brock lesnar pretty much body is important to me i did it brock lesnar and it was it was i mean his body's insane but like he kept taking me to Jimmy John's do you think there's a real crossover between wrestling fans and Rosebuddies fans he was an MMA fighter that was that was factually accurate okay he was the only one I could think of do you think there's a real crossover between MMA fighting and Rosebuddies uh I work in the games industry I think I probably probably have some bleed there and like everybody in the games industry watches wrestling because they're all a bunch of big fucking nerdos nerd birds i love

this voice nerd birds i feel like i could be on like a 50s doo-wop record the guy that comes in um i've totally lost track of what we were talking about uh rashida got cheated on a whole bunch yeah so we just we learned that all these people have terrible tastes and they make mistakes all the time um and then pretty soon after rashida admits that she has terrible taste she kisses alex in front of everybody or alec sorry with a c no one's quite sure i think it was interchangeable uh alec then goes on to kiss a bunch of other women, and Rashida is shocked. Did you call them women? I did.

I love that. Alec with a fluid C. He got around. You know I have a hard time with those Cs. It's true. Yeah, there seems to be this weird possessiveness immediately where people are shocked that other people are kissing other people and i i i think that boils down from and i i we gotta watch more of this i don't know i don't know if it's gonna happen i don't know if we do

another episode of rose no i don't think so well here's the thing there's only so many reality dating shows out there i feel like we've struck gold we have a whole list of shows people have recommended i know but there's gonna be so many breaks i'm thinking about that break after bachelor in paradise and i'm like terrified of it because it's gonna be like what seven months like not seven months like five or six months it's gonna be a long time so we can pad it out let's let's put it to the crew because i saw a bunch of people in the rose buddies group saying like i really like this show a lot and i want to watch more of it. So maybe they want us to, let's just say tomorrow,

Tuesday, if you're listening to this Tuesday, let us know in the group if you want us to watch more. If you want to move on, I, I, I'll go either way, but I think we could save some,

some of the other shows for later. Okay. Um, okay. So the other thing we, uh, we discover is that Hannah and Chuck are definitely matches. Definitely.

100%. Chuck is from Hawaii, has long blonde hair, lots of tattoos. Hannah wanders over to him, long blonde hair, tattoos, nose piercing. And they start talking and immediately it's like, oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Amber is the color of both of their tattoos. shit was like you and i looked at each other like oh well there's well there it is one there's one out of ten this is one every week we'll take them out they're the control group now we'll take them out of the shit and then there's 18 this is gonna be easy yeah we got a

leg up um yeah that was instantaneous he like, what do you want to do? She was like, travel. He was like, I also want to travel. Mahalo. It was a beautiful connection. They were vibing on each other. They were vibing and craving each other's waves. I bet they both smelled the same, too.

I bet they both smelled super good. How is it? You know what I mean? Like, surfer people, they smell good. They smell like, they smell more lotion than normal. Tell me the name of one surfer person that you've smelled johnny tsunami easy next i don't know who that is johnny tsunami he's like one of the most famous pro surfers in the world okay he um he went through some stuff his uncle taught him to it

was a disney channel original oh griffin you always get me with soul surfer soul surfer okay there's another one with surfing in it blue crush also has surfing in it meet the deetles is another movie with surfing in it and you smelled all these people and johnny from the oc johnny from the oc is the other one and chili his friend from the oc so do you think that surfers smell like i think they smell good they smell like dvd packages you go to billabong and it's like why did i call it billabong i don't know you walk into billabong and it's like this is the second time on this show we've talked about billabong well i want you my birthday's coming up that's all i'll say i want some new fucking board shorts i need some i need some some boogie board pasties.

I went boogie boarding, and it was like I put my nipples through a Parmesan grater. Hard truth. Couldn't even wear a shirt. Couldn't swim in the ocean anymore. Saltwater. Irritated it. How old were you? I just swam in the hotel pool. Old enough.

You haven't wondered why I'm like Adam over here, like fully nipple-less? Why I'm like Kyle XY here with my kid's smooth, featureless torso? Well, I've never seen you with a shirt off, so I really... That's true. I have no idea what goes on under there. We gotta wait till our fifth anniversary. You know the rules. I know.

Double Mormon. You know the rules. I know. Double Mormon. Okay, and then they play spin the bottle with a can of Red Bull. This was amazing. The most MTV thing I have ever seen. It was so good when that happened.

You think about the physics of it. Spin the bottle as a game works because you use a big heavy glass bottle. You get some momentum. You spin it. It'll spin. Fucking empty can of red bull was it empty it was open oh it was okay if it wasn't they were just sloshing red bull all over themselves which is still very mtv but man uh alec ends up kissing some woman that is sitting right next to stacy stacy has had enough at this point she is very upset stacy knows that he was making out with that other girl yeah so like yeah so alec was the one that was making out with rashida rashida got upset with alec alec turned to stacy uh stacy got upset

when alec was alec is just he's revealed himself to be a free agent um so yeah also just just to clarify stacy has a hat that says sexy bitch on it yeah that's true it's worth rachel doesn't use that word but no i wouldn't it's okay to use it if i had that hat it would say attractive b word okay i think it's okay to say that word if it's on a hat for you i would never even if i i don't even get the hat clause i can't even quote it on a hat but if you saw it on a hat and you wanted to say it. So when they called it. And we were far enough away from the person with the offending hat, I think it would be okay. So when they called that show, Don't Trust the Bee in Apartment 23, did you?

That's okay, because it's in a television show title. Okay. There's, do you not know? What about a song? What about, like, what if it was a song? She's up, I'm up. I'm a lover, I'm a song what about like what if it was she's up i'm up i'm a lover i'm a child is that what you do yeah okay i get up there and i do it at karaoke i'll or i'll do like the i'll like do the radio self-edit like inverted like she's a she's a lover and i'll say

she because i won't say i because i'm not like you you know, I'm not a child. I'm a mother. That's crazy. She is up. Yeah. And she is a mother. You know? Yeah. I've listened to a lot of radio songs.

No, I know. Okay. So then that next morning, Devin leads yoga on the lawn. Thank you, Devin. I was feeling very tense and you really guided me through some stuff yeah uh and then we see a like a confessional i don't know what to call them but it seems like a confessional if we're gonna follow like the mtv logic called the shade tree uh kiki and devon are talking and they reveal their enthusiasm for each other and kiki talks about her bracelets

how she has like a bracelet that says like match on it and another bracelet and that her match will get her other bracelet and devon's like isn't she the best uh i don't even think devon believes that no devon was like these are my jelly bands they show you how much stuff i've done oh my gosh was that a thing when you were in school? Absolutely not. No. What do you know? You didn't marry a fucking 15 year old.

I knew that it was a thing after I had left high school and I didn't know if maybe it had already hit. If I wanted to talk about the sexual activities I participated in in high school, I would have done what all my other friends did just lie about them because they didn't exist you know what we had this may have been something that just my friends made up but there was something called third base tabs are you familiar with those no ma'am you would take like if you want to learn like the base tabs to like a song like uh i'm i'm a b word by what's her face then you would like learn it on a base tab meredith brooks you'd be like oh man that was great it's like yeah i had sex no you would take the tab top off a soda and every time you got to third base you would like string it on like a necklace and you could like wear that third base like that one i think so yeah i think that's what

it was first base is like and then second it was. Because first base is like... And then second base is like... And then third base is like... You're using the same hand to do all of these. You want me to fucking wash it? Yes. And then home run it. Yes.

So just to recap. Recap. Just to... I'm going to run the bases. Yeah, no, go through it again. I'm going to run the bases real quick. Okay, okay. And I'm going to get it in the parker real quick.

It's all his right hand now. If Griffin were left-handed, I imagine he would be using his left hand right now. That home run was elaborate. All he was celebrating. He just won the World Series, Rachel. Jeez. But yeah, I just remember instantly and in i don't even feel like maybe it was even middle school and i heard this thinking like oh no now there's

going to be women walking around with these third base tabs you're gonna say because this is true oh no my parents don't let me drink soda no no i think. We're not going to get some fucking soda caffeine. I was allowed caffeine-free Diet Pepsi in my house. Thank you. I bet you got so much action. Come over to my house. We'll drink some caffeine-free beverages together. Show you my... I'll do my dances for you that I learned in dance class.

Oh. You know, the other story that my friend Sarah likes to tell is that one time she came over to my house and we had saltless pretzels in the fridge. In the fridge? Don't want these to go bad. These are saltless pretzels. Got to protect these saltless pretzels. Okay, anyway, I was worried there would be no challenge on this show because I feel like reality shows especially reality dating competitions without challenges just feel driftless but um there's a challenge called worst face forward which is in retrospect kind of a really super duper mean name for the game considering they literally showed uh all the men women's baby pictures yeah Yeah. Look at your worst, look at your ugly

fucking baby face. Well, they weren't all baby photos, but they were definitely not as embarrassing as I thought they would be. Like, everybody still looked cute. It wasn't like braces, acne. It was like,

oh, look at me, I'm wearing a stupid hat. Yeah. How embarrassing that anyone saw this. But the men had to identify the women and one of the guys is like hey i don't even know half these people's names yet which is a fair point yeah fair play

but yeah you would buzz in when you would see a photo and you'd be like oh i think that's uh rashida and then if you were right you got to be uh one of four that got to pick on a date partners to go on a date just again to break down the rules of this game which are terrible um you buzz in and then if you get it wrong nobody else can guess so like there was one dude who was just like buzzing in as fast as he could and if you got it wrong like okay well whatever because nobody else is going to get to guess this one so fuck it i'm just going to buzz in as fast as i can and as long as i keep doing that eventually i'm going to win that was devon actually i think they kept doing that um so um they call these these excursions getaway dates which i'm always interested to learn the vocabulary

of these reality dating shows yeah sure because it's all so similar but they come up with their own little unique to use the bachelor vernacular this would be a two-on-two or a four-on-four? No, two-on-two on two-on-two, a two-by-four. So it's Mike, Hunter, Melanie, and Cheyenne. These names mean nothing to anybody. They mean nothing to anyone. And they get to pick somebody they want to bring with them on this excursion. The only meaningful things that happen is Hawaii Jim, what's his name?

Chuck. Chuck gets taken away from his lady love. And he says, quote, I was a beautiful baby. I'm going to make pretty babies too. That's what's up. That's what's up. Do you want to say it, though, in your Chuck voice? Yeah, sure.

I'm going to have babies and they're going to be pretty babies. That's what's up. Do you want to try that? Do you want to try that again? But, like, a little more surfer. Like, think you're in a billabong. Pretend you're in a billabong. Let me get my billabong frame of mind.

I'm going to have babies, and they're going gonna be pretty babies and that's what's up there you go nailed it um so uh chuck and his oceanic lady love uh get split up she gets asked out by somebody else he gets asked by one of the other women you know they they're just making eyes that whole day yeah so there were a lot of split ups and then devon and kiki who who were talking jelly bands they also get split up by the fates by the cruel fates of love which is weird you got two couples and we didn't understand why that was happening yes and then we found out we found out about that boof of truth that truth boof i love the truth, Boof. There's going to be a lot of spit on your microphone. Truth, Boof.

The princess stick together. Always stick together. With truth, Boof. I thought you were doing DuckTales. Best of friends forever. I got the words wrong. Time and time, wherever we go. So come on, go, go.

Going to the truth, Boof. Sippity bop, bop, bop. Yeah. I can do that part really good, thanks to my WrestleMania voice. Does the Goof Troop theme song sound a lot like DuckTales? No, not at all. It sounded like it when you were singing. I went, DuckTales, whoo.

And now do Goof Troop. Troop Booth, whoo. Okay, anyway. This is apparently something, I I guess that you are familiar with And the contestants we're obviously familiar with If you're a watcher of the show But anyone who goes on these getaway dates Is up for possible elimination

I guess, okay So here's where Rachel and I don't know Let's get to that later They may or may not be up there i think that nobody gets eliminated from this show let's let's talk about that dispute i'll alter that and let's maybe pause the show and google it until we get a fucking firm answer because that's embarrassing okay so uh they all get to go on a open ocean dolphin swimming date um rachel and i went swimming with dolphins once yeah do you want to tell that story

it's fucking i felt kind of guilty about it i felt like kind of bad about it i know well okay so we we were in mexico we were in mexico i got we were supposed to go to chichen chichen shit chichen itza chichen itza that That's the one. And Griffin got very sick. I got so sick. My tummy got so sick. We basically lost a day of the trip. And so we went down to the desk at the hotel and tried to get a last minute trip. It was the day after.

I was still kind of sick. And I didn't want to drive out to some fucking Incan ruins and then be like, get to the top of them. And then sit at them with my lady love. And then say, oh, my dad dad and then shit my brains out um so yeah so the only thing that was left on short notice was this dolphin excursion uh and there were multiple packages for this dolphin place and this was the word i was in like a bad state of mind like i had like my my brain was just fucked up because i was i was like really out of it from the the disease yeah and the man there were multiple levels there was like a silver package and an emerald package and

a diamond package and each one was like more expensive than the last and i remember i'll never forget this yeah i asked what are the different packages for and he said oh well if you pay more money then they let you do more stuff to the dolphins and i remember hearing that they'll let you do more stuff and i was like fuck we humanity has fucked this planet up like that's what switched it for me like we have fucked we are a disease we are a virus the entry level where you just like you touch them and they swim around you and yes i. And yes, I remember, yeah. Pacal.

And a very nice. Not Pascal. I'm not saying that word wrong. It was P-A-K-A-L. Pacal. Very young male dolphin. And we. Virile.

And we were in a pool with a bunch of families because we were apparently the only adults that were like, I don't want to do weird stuff to dolphins. And me and the dad made eyes. We were both kind of green. We're like diarrhea. Yeah, diarrhea. Cheechinese. Yeah, I'm supposed to go to Cheechinese, but I got that. Yeah.

Me and my kid. Both of us. Horrible. Water. Just pouring. Oh, okay. But the trainer, my favorite part was when the trainer asked Griffin a very special question. Very deep in.

I was very brave. I was touching this dolphin dolphin despite the fact that he could kill me she did this thing where she was like pacquiao show him how fast you can swim and he would swim around the perimeter of the pool which is very big uh and we were like on the outskirts of it but he would swim very close to us and she was like he can swim up to 40 miles an hour and i remember hearing that thinking like oh he would fuck me up if he ran into me. Yeah, he'd swim right through you. If he did a wide lap, he would kill probably two or three of us. That would be a rough way to end the trip. Although I feel like dying.

But there was several tricks. So, you know, did all kinds of stuff. Touch the belly, you know, high five the fin. And there was a trick where you could put your face out. And he would kiss you on the mouth. And she said a good boy and then she said uh griffin have you ever kissed a boy before and i was sitting there there was like another family time stood still not for any reason except

for this is the god's honest truth i was like thinking griffin wanted to answer really honestly i wanted to answer honestly well i did do theater as a child so it's possible i did theater which means like it doesn't mean i was i had uh no but your character you know may have had to explore some we were doing fucking joseph and the amazing technicolor dreamcoat you probably kissed everybody in that cast i mean here's the thing about the theater community is you play a lot of kissing games it's an exploratory community that whole fucking american pie like band camp shit fuck that shit that shit is true of the theater community where people are like i kiss you once it's the only shit where you have to actually kiss people yeah there's like sexual energy like everywhere i did go to band camp and we did not have to kiss

anyone yeah we had to kiss people on the stage to like sell put fucking butts in the seat yeah because everyone wants to watch underage teens like yeah yeah i have no i can't i don't remember what i said i think i probably just i think you didn't answer yeah that sounds like you just giggled because the answer was the answer was yeah i think yeah i think so uh and i didn't want to say that yeah this is this was your first dolphin though correct uh this was my i didn't want to say that. This was your first dolphin, though, correct? This was my... I don't want to talk about it. Okay. My first full dolphin.

Not a man in a really, really, like, super-duper-duper shiny realistic dolphin suit. So they go on this dolphin date. Cheyenne gets a little seasick. Cheyenne gets a lot seasick. Pukes over the side a bunch. And then tells us, the viewer, you know, I took off my pants so that maybe everyone would just look at my butt

while I was leaning over the side. She was wearing a swimsuit, which is an important note that Rachel left out because you just made it sound like she let her bare ass hang out while she puked over the side of a boat. Of course she was wearing a swimsuit. Daddy lies.

At this point, Chuck says, I'm a dive instructor. There's no way that they're matches. Cheyenne is the one who asked Hawaii Joe out. Devin is on the date with Melanie, I want to say. Yeah, Melanie. And Devin is asking Melanieanie you know melanie have you ever cheated on anybody and she's like no no of course not she's like why what about you and he's like i have had four serious girlfriends and i have cheated on every one of them so he's

fucking consistent we get a we get a sense of what devon's all about how do you i don't even think how do you how do you not cheat on someone no how do you, I don't even think, how do you... How do you not cheat on someone? No, how do you like... It would be hard to fuck that up that much on purpose. No, it wouldn't, due to the worst. I take it back. No, for sure. Kiki and Hunter are on this date together. They're both kind of southern individuals that seem excited to talk about family

and how it's the most important thing. Is Hunter the one that said, Kiki? I love kiwis. Kiwi? Kiki? Huh? You get it? Dummy. I think it was Devin that said that, actually. And this is something that I think is interesting. And Griffin, you might have more insight into this. Please. Let me tell

you about men. I've noticed on these reality dating shows people always seem to really bond about like you know family's really important to me and then the other person is always like me too oh my gosh family's the most important and they act as if this is like a novel thing that nobody else shares but those two in that moment what is that i guess it's disappointing to hear you say that because i actually this is we haven't really talked about we've been married for a couple years now but um i actually think uh family is pretty important so if you can't fucking hang with that and if you can't join me on my scuba excursions because of your ears i know it's a

sensitive i know it's a sensitive topic but like as long as we're hashing shit out, you don't care about family. You got scuba-less ears. That's what's up. That's what's up. You're talking about my ears on this podcast? You brought it up. I get ear infections very easily. It was not something I expected to talk about on the podcast.

You can talk about one of my deficiencies. Just kidding. I don't have any. I love my family, and I can get real deep about on the podcast. You can talk about one of my deficiencies. Just kidding. I don't have any. I love my family. And I can get real deep down in the ocean. I can get so deep in the ocean. But you can't eat a lot of sugar-free gummy bears. That's true.

I got really bad diarrhea on the way to WrestleMania. Kind of a theme developing in this episode. Alright, anyway. I don't need sugar-free gummy bears when I'm fucking at the bottom of the Marianas Trench hanging out with fucking lantern fish. Like, oh, bro, that's so cool. He's like, I know, I got a light on my head. Is this the scuba date you're talking about?

Yeah, between me and a lantern fish, because you can't come with me. Okay. So they get back from the date, and this is when the truth booth comes into play. So the four people that were just on the date, everyone back home is voting which of the four they think is the match. Back home at the house. There's not like a fucking American Idol hashtag. And so they're choosing between the four couples, and everybody's like, duh, Kiki and Hunter. Because when they got announced, Kiki was so excited because she loved Southern Gentleman.

Which was bullshit because she ran up like, oh, boy, I'm so excited. And then immediately it cuts to the behind-the-scenes interview. And she's like, I don't want that at all. I want to be with Devin. I don't like this dude basically at all. Yeah. But they're both Southern. And she was like, I just want somebody nice.

They both love family. Both love family. Both love scuba. And that's not true they might um and so everybody voted for him thinking like they're gonna be a match yeah and um and so here's here's how the truth booth works it's amazing okay well well first first like kiki makes it very obvious that she is she is upset she was a stink she's like she doesn't want him to be her match and she's worried that he will be and she's very upset that like the first couple they might have to leave um this

is amazing that this is the there's so many fucking tasty ass layers to this blooming onion that element of she had a crush on somebody else so she didn't want to go into the tb with this dude that she wasn't feeling for fear of the fact yeah that all of these different and again we can't trust the veracity of the weird science that went into this but that weird science is probably better to go on than like i saw you and you gave me a boner and i've known you for 36 hours and you gave me a boner maybe i don't know maybe the two are relatively equitable but she literally was like i don't want him to be my love i don't want him to be my soulmate like that's kind of a crazy thing yeah yeah i think it was interesting and

people really called her out on it they were like hey what what is your deal like if he's your match great then you found him there was an element of they were like it's all about the money obviously that's the whole reason you don't leave which makes me think that they are out of the running for the money if maybe they get some um but there's a very like very right reasons shit about that because there was like some shade being thrown of like you're not here for love yeah we're here for your love you're not here for love yeah like how how lucky would you be to have found love so quickly? I mean, it was a little insincere. But Hunter is very upset.

He's like, oh, you're devastated. He's like, you are very clearly devastated. Like he was not happy that Kiki was protesting too much. So here's where they walk into the truth booth we just the i it literally this information does not exist on the fucking internet okay but i'm pretty sure you just go to the honeymoon suite you are separated from everybody else and then you just don't do it which i guess is kind of like you wouldn't want that can you imagine like if it's really 10 weeks and it's

like oh you've been matched up with a person now go fucking live with them for 10 weeks yeah i mean you've surrendered control and you're also but i mean it should be your perfect match yeah it should i don't know gang there's one piece of information rachel i don't have that's just how that's just how this one's gonna be i don't think people are too concerned about it you go to the truth booth yeah well let's let's talk about the truth booth the truth is it is like this set of star trek in there it's like no it's like this set of like the mole from the year 2000 like uh as they walk in together there is a green bar that goes over them as if to be some kind of body scan. And then they're looking at this monitor and the monitor will reveal whether they're

a match. After the body scan. You know it's just fucking Dr. Love back there with one of those RFID scanners just like running it over them. And while they're going through the body scan, the other contestants are back in the house and they're all watching their reaction live.

Looking at a 3D image of their naked bodies. No, Griffin. I was making like a TSA joke. You know, that's really good. I want to give you credit where credit is due. Hey, thanks. It feels authentic and pure. What sells it is the face you're making.

thanks it feels authentic and pure what sells it is the face you're making uh okay so then from what i can tell at least according to my notes they go straight to the uh first matchup is what they call it which is like we say that they weren't a match yeah they weren't okay kiki and hunter went on a match i wanted to keep talking about the truth booth because i got so excited about it and i want to sing the praises of it okay it is it's genius like it's such a cool if if they didn't have the truth booth i'd be curious to see if they had this like this nug in season one because it's the only way to confirm whether or not you are a match with a person i can't this is why i want to watch it because there's so many ways that this shit can go sideways like instantly because you're like all right well you picked me and this girl that like i'm just crazy about

we're gonna go in the truth booth you go in the truth booth not a match like what the fuck do you do weird is it creates i mean unless you're really like you're really into your person and you want to be sequestered with them it creates this incentive to bring randos on your date with you that you think there's no way you're a match just to like and then what happens in the inverse when it's like all right me and this rando playing defense and then you're the match i know we gotta watch more of this show tonight i gotta know how this shit breaks out i want to know uh we got the mtv app by the way on apple tv we recommend that people watch it on mtv.com if you got the mtv app by the way on apple tv we recommend people watch it on mtv.com if you got the mtv app on apple tv they got all that shit oh and somebody um from canada found the

uh canadian equivalent not the same show but like the web service where you can watch it in canada interesting but we haven't heard there if there's an option in the uk do we have a lot of uk listeners well We had somebody ask how they could watch it and they didn't know what to tell them. Okay, so now it's the match-up ceremony. Turn on BBC4 on 7.15pm on a Thursday.

Oh my god. Yeah, baby! Alright, do your surfer voice now. I feel like you could really get it. Just go straight from that into your surfer voice now i feel like you could really get it if just go straight from that into your surfer voice okay okay um yeah i want to have babies and i'm trying to do like a blend of the two yeah i don't have babies and they're gonna be pretty babies that's what's up that's not bad that was good That was your best one Oh baby

I want a baby Do I make you want a baby Oh no My wife Oh it's the best of My name a boy That's a greatest hit Donkey

All of Griffin's emotions Donkey Griffin does this thing sometimes Where he keeps saying something he can make me laugh and sometimes i just obstinately stare at him blankly nothing swing i'm stone cold you're not gonna get anything my wife my wife you can't bring in physical comedy that's cheating my wife

oh god that's awful yeah baby okay so the women are called up semi-randomly it seems to pick shit drives me fucking crazy their perfect match second week in a row

because they get up there and they pick their perfect match and then once you pick their perfect match you week in a row because they get up there and they pick their perfect match and then once you pick the perfect match you lock in and then nobody else can pick and then it's just leftovers and it's just fucking leftovers it's the one to go last it shit drives me fucking crazy i know you're all trying to be team players to try and pick all the 10 perfect picks but like you can't do that shit this early on there's like an early advantage to going early and they're just doing it willy-nilly um should i go through the names even though they don't mean absolutely not okay uh let's go over the perfect okay so surfer boy surfer girl pick each other like yep you got it um rashida picks tyler who we don't know uh amanda picks mike who we

do know uh because i believe they had intercourse and said to each other that they were their perfect matches while they were doing it. Donkey. No. You're my match. Let's get to fifth base tonight. Melanie picks Devin. Let's get to the pitcher's mound. Let's go to the peanut stand, Donkey.

I want to explore your dugout. life god i hate this kind of other baseball but this scoreboard you know they can climb up in the scoreboard there's a sex joke there uh melanie picks devon and um melanie okay that was one of the ones where he's a piece of shit devon okay so devon um melanie's like i don't know that i really want to pick devon but i'm just gonna go ahead and do it and he's like hey you know like like i don't want to be exclusive like you know a love octagon is better than than a than a love triangle. Because Melanie was talking about how Kiki and Devin are obviously in each other. I don't want to be part of a triangle.

And then there was a man in the sidelines who said, Devin, I'm going to put you on blast right now. Because didn't you say that you wanted to smash these two ladies? Yeah, smash both of them was the quote. And he did not deny it. Devin, under duress, says says maybe i said something quickly like that it would be a nice threesome it would be cool to have sexual intercourse with the two women i may have said something like it would be cool it would be a neat time a good hang and kiki is torn up she immediately is like well that's it for devon yeah guess we're not together kiki was

bummed out and yet like the other girl like knew that he was double teaming with kiki and she was like yeah i think he's definitely playing us both anyway i'm definitely still going to pick him yeah that was another one too i think mike and stacy and alec stacy and alec stacy was like alec you piece of shit we fight all the time we hate each other i hate you anyway uh you're my pick i think you're the one. Which I would not be surprised. The way they fight. They fought real good. They seem compatible.

Okay. But yeah, and then there's a bunch of pairs that we don't know anything about. Yeah. And then we're told they're going to shine 10 beams of light into the sky. If you get all 10 beams, that signifies that everybody has found their match. You need at least one beam to continue with this same million dollar amount. With the million dollars.

If you get a blackout, which is no lights, you lose a quarter of the million dollars. And they get two beams of light, which I think is probably Hannah and Chuck. That's a surfer couple. Yeah, and then maybe Stacy and Alec? I don't know, dude. The way they fight, there's so much passion.

The math of this game is staggering, right? Because, like, in order to make this work, and the truth booth is going to help you out, obviously, because they're going to have to hit a point at some point where it's like, okay, we actually need to, like, get together and start figuring out who's in love and, like, knocking out. If you take two people out of the equation, that's huge. That, like, takes it down by, because it's exponential.'s exponential so it like takes out millions and millions and millions of possible

combinations i think my math is right on that and so yeah every time you do that you reduce it so if you can get it down to like two groups of six that might be doable but 10 10 bond 10 you have a 10 to the 10th power number of combinations i think my math is probably fucking humorously off it's an impossible number to like really get yeah so yeah no i hope at some point on this show they they start doing like real strategy where's the pivot right where's that pivot point where it's like all right we need to sit down at a table and stop fucking each other we need to stop spinning this can of red bull and start spinning our brains yeah like let's do hannon chuck again we're pretty sure about them but this time let's think about maybe devon and kiki that collaborative effort is so fascinating

to me because it's like maybe the only reality game i can think of where everybody's like really working together and not exactly competing but there's also love on the line yeah damn it are you the one you got me it's an incredible show fucking snag me good that's a good rule set the people are gross like there are lots of gross elements but the concept the concept is great and not only that the same like way that you watch the bachelor and i've talked about this like a bunch of like you gotta have at least that one point you gotta have that point zero zero zero one percent belief in your mind of like there could be something real going on here apparently from season one there's a couple that is married and like has a kid wow um you gotta have that sort of uh uh

suspension of disbelief uh and in this show and it's probably total phony bullshit but you at least have and they have the idea of well science says like there's a win condition you know i mean like bachelor you could end up with them and it's like that might not be the there's so much interesting fucking stuff happening here and i think a lot of it could be phony baloney bullshit, but it's like, psychologically, like, it's very real to the people playing the game. Mm-hmm.

How territorial can you possibly be? Like, at what point, if you're the only couple, if you get eight beams of light, and you're one of the couples that, like, everybody's like, dude, it's you. It's you, dog. Yeah. It's you.

You gotta not pick them at the ceremony, because it's not you. You're not a fucking match. You're gonna lose us a million dollars you do you give in do you cave to that i don't know gotta watch more of this show tonight let's hang let's end this recording it's a great show mtv you've done it again you did it you got a real world on your hands um there are other shows that people voted for in the poll i created one of the shows is joe millionaire i can't find it anywhere gang fox bombed that shit for more of it yeah it doesn't if somebody can find it on the internet and it's free use and legal we'll watch it but otherwise

i'm sorry we're not going to uh but the rest of the list we i think we will try and make our way through um maybe not in the order although i gotta be honest with you rupaul's drag race is a little far from the point of the show yeah it's it's a sweet thought you know we watch that show we love it we know other people love it but it's not but it's just not a dating show i think we gotta have that date uh just going down the list joe millionaire at the top doesn't exist anymore i want to marry harry you probably find that i did watch the first episode of that how was it it's pretty terrible okay thanks gang uh beauty and the geek i never watched that is that just another name for our podcast oh griffin no i'm the beauty okay uh are you the one check did that married at first sight that one sounds fucking rough. Tila Tequila.

Dog. Let's see. Rock of Love. No. Over My Fucking Dead Body. Temptation Island. I don't know. Unreal.

Another sweet one. Maybe. I mean, that is technically. We're getting out there. We've watched all of that show already, and it's very good. And I don't know that we could say more about it. Dating Naked. There's two old episodes of The Bachelor. They're on Amazon Instant Video.

Is that true? Yeah, but you have to purchase them. No way. Guys, this is a fucking not-for-profit. I don't feel comfortable asking people to purchase shows. I don't feel comfortable asking us to purchase it. We haven't made a fucking dime off this podcast. This is a not-for-profit job.

Joe Schmell, former wife. Next. Could be fun. We've talked about next bridalplasty again all of these would have to be available online somebody's voted for something called please marry my boy i heard about that it's a bunch of moms who put up their sons and they have women compete for their sons please if we can find it, I would watch it.

I thought this was a joke from somebody who has like a Tim and Eric style sense of humor. Please marry my boy. Marry my boy, please. He needs to marry. We'll put a poll on the Facebook group asking if you'd like us to continue Are You The One or go to another show?

One day only. Because if the answer is yes, we're going to eat this fucking season alive. asking if you'd like us to continue are you the one or go to another show and i'm gonna one day only because if the answer is yes we're gonna eat this fucking season alive we're gonna go ham on this season of television yeah um thank you all for listening we have almost 2 000 members in the facebook no it's crazy maybe we should monetize this shit i'm real happy that people are sticking with us even though let us know if we charge five dollars in five dollars to no no people pay twenty dollars to go see a fucking avengers movie and we work way harder on this than that is not true and you know it tickets are movie tickets are twenty dollars our coffers are full i'm a way to brag about our money situation i'm guessing we have a lot of MaxFun crossover and a lot of those people just donated. That's probably fair and true.

Um, anyway, I feel uncomfortable right now. Um, that was all just goofs. What's Daisy of love? What's parental control? Fuck.

We got to dig into this shit. Anyway, uh, thanks for listening to Rose Buddies. Uh, if this is one of those things where like you didn't watch the thing go watch the shit uh you get that you got that griffin and rachel mccarroy guarantee it is enjoyable it is good stuff are you the one

gets the seal i feel like we need some sort of like a stamp yeah like some sort of like because we're gonna do this a lot do you have like a sound effect that we could play maybe like a cash register or something is that really what it would be i don't know let me go through my phone and see if there's like a fun like uh text tone thing that i can just like play anytime i want to and i'll change my text tone because it's been the same shit for like seven years what to like signify a winner yeah so like angel bells like you won good work are you the one you don't like that doesn't really get the people hype

what would that even be like no oh god no they all sound like rings They all sound like rings. Congratulations, Are You The One. You've ascended into the pantheon of love shows that Rachel and Griffin didn't barf at. As you take this honor from our hands on the stage, you're a sentient living television show. Reflect on the decisions that led you here

and just keep chasing your dream and your what the end of this week's congratulations perfect i think that's pretty good yeah there's also no no we should we got it we got it we should quit all our head what about this though no wait we do like a train here comes the good show train. Oh, I... Griffin. Griffin, this is not entertaining anymore. All aboard for a good television show. What if I get you a real train whistle for your birthday?

Baby, you know that would be my dream. We gotta end the show. It's so sweaty. I don't hear my glasses. They're falling off my face. Okay. Thank you all for listening to Rose Buddies. I'm Griffin McElroy.

I'm Rachel McElroy. When you're ready. But who will get the final rose? Stay with us on this journey of joy. Spoiler alert. She is up with Soulja Boy. Right reasons. Right reasons.

Take me to all of our seasons.