Wonderful! - Roze Buddiez: Are You the One? - Part Three

Episode Date: April 19, 2016

Rose Buddies is dead, long live Rose Buddies. We're the One-ders, now, your one-stop shop for everything Are You the One? related. In this ep, we break down episodes 6 - 10 of Season Three, in which most of the dudes do some monstrous shit, and everyone does everything they possibly can to not win the game. MaxFunDrive ends on March 29, 2024! Support our show now by becoming a member at maximumfun.org/join.

Maybe you should go and do some contemplating. Right reasons, right reasons, being a good girl for all the right reasons. Right reasons, right reasons, being a good girl for all the right reasons. I'm the best rep and I'm rapping to your poolside. Here to find truth. Hi, this is Rachel McElroy. Hi, this is Griffin McElroy. This is Rose Buddies.

Should we even call ourselves that anymore? Should we change our name? Let me throw this new podcast name at you right now. Let's just see how it hits you. And if it hits you good, this could be a bold change for us. A breeze is going to come, like Bob Dylan said. In his song, A Breeze is a Coming. Yeah, A Breeze is a Coming.

That's a good one. And his song, A Breeze is a Comin'. Yeah, A Breeze is a Comin'. That's a good one. Can we change our name to The Wonders or The Oneeders? Yeah. What would you think about it? No. Okay.

I just, no tea. How quickly, your loyalty. No tea, no shade, no pink lemonade. No tea, no shade, no pink lemonade. I just had such a great time during our little dangerous little affair. And the Bachelor and Bachelorette franchise is great, but where the fuck are they now? I am worried that you are not on this podcast for the right reasons. podcast for the right reasons. I came to this podcast to find people on television who could love each other so much.

End of thought. We just finished watching episodes six through 10 of Are You the One, where that answer, that question was definitively answered, and Americo's made all the better for it. If you've joined us for our previous two episodes of this podcast, which have also been very Are You the One-centric, you probably know the score. But if not, Rachel, do you want to drop some knowledge on them? Wait, do you want me to tell about the show? Just like 10 seconds. Just blast it. Okay, there's 10 men.

There's 10 women. Science has determined their perfect match, who is on the show. They have to find that match within 10 episodes. And they can do that two ways. They can do it through the truth booth, which forces an immediate verdict. Or they can go to the elimination ceremony, or rather the match ceremony. Stuff got eliminated. Possibilities got eliminated. Relations stuff got eliminated possibilities got eliminated

relationships nobody leaves the show that's that's what's unique about this reality dating competition show people leave well our eyes people leave our sight lines but they're still they're still there somewhere operating in the background um it was confusing but now i get it because we just finished the show are you the one And I really want to endeavor to speak about this chronologically. Okay. Episode six. Episode six. I think, real quick, because I do want to sidebar it and say

a lot of my conversations about episode two through five, which was the last episode of Rose Buddies, was about how great I thought Devin was. Oh, what a funny, goofy boy boy i said boy boy was i wrong did i misread that one devon like most of the contestants on this show has a lot of growing up to do and unfortunately that adolescence he's in is pretty hateful very hateful very like very um uh malfoy like, he's a sociopath. And he's funny, but, like, eh.

Yeah, he's, yeah, sociopath is a good way to describe him. All right, let's hit him. Hit him with that six. Episode six. Uh, Chelsea and Connor go to the honeymoon suite. It looks pretty posh. And then they are never heard from again. Like, I thought it would, like, between the houses.

I thought we'd continue to follow them. Because, like, I'm curious'm curious of like what happens to you after you are found a perfect match like after after your perfect match like i'm curious what that dynamic is like just like so are we supposed to kiss now or are we kissing enough like you're my perfect match should we be kissing like a lot uh we didn't get any of that no uh but from what can we can tell they're really happy like this was a good call for them they're really enjoying their time together uh seems like yeah it seems like the right move yeah yeah um so that's it seriously they show up for the match ceremonies at the end of the episode you literally i don't think we saw

them outside of the match ceremony i think i think don't think we saw them outside of the match ceremony. I think it is. Well, they show them, like, on the beach, like, exercising and stuff. For, like, a set, like, B-roll. Like, they are very much. Like, we didn't kill them. They still are alive. It's weird, right?

It's like, they're still on the set. Like, they still have to be there during the shooting of the television show, Are You the One? Just let them go home. Do you think they had like 10 honeymoon suites all primed and ready? And just sat there? Just none of them. Okay. Again, we're going to get out of the time. We've got to stay. Rachel, look at me.

We've got to stay in the time stream. Okay. No paradoxes here. Never give up on love. Never give up on love. I learned that. I was about to give up on love. But then I did. It's fine because I'm not going to now obviously i couldn't now

uh so i'm just gonna go straight into the the challenge yeah uh because you know like kayla sad because connor's gone and then yeah but kayla's also like that was that was one of the more forced relationships of the show kayla just wanted something to be angry at. And then Kiki and Chuck have a conversation where Chuck's like, you know, I just want to have kids, man. I just want those butterflies. And Kiki's like, oh my gosh, maybe you're my match. This is the second time that Chuck's talked about regenerating. Because he also said something like, I'm beautiful babies.

I'm a beautiful man. Gonna have them. gonna make them. Beautiful little surface, bro. I got a text message. Oh, it's from Justin and Sydney. I texted them about if they had watched Are You The One Season 3. Have they? They have, but they haven't finished it.

I'm glad I asked if they finished it. They're watching multiple seasons concurrently? Apparently they are out of the fucking time stream. All right. Okay, so the challenge is that there are lady quotes. The men must match the quote to the woman and then find the keys to open a chest, which will reveal puzzle pieces of the lady's face.

Which looks like something that a murderer would make. Yeah. Like, look at these beautiful faces. I have caught them. I have caught them and torn them. This was the first challenge I noticed where there was no prescribed name for it. So I made Griffin come up with a name. What did I say?

I forget. Married Treasure. Because they had to dig him up under the X's. Yeah. That's pretty good. The only thing is it's not filthy. Most of these challenge names have been pretty filthy. Okay, how about...

How about... Put these ladies in your holes. Because they have to, like, dig the... There really wasn't much digging. No. I guess. I'll figure something out. I'm not a dirty boy you

know kind of like when i'm like clean lifestyle grab her piece grab her pieces something like that um and then the so the lady quotes i mean it's not particularly interesting it's not as good as almost like i burned a dude's house down and then uh there's one like i i text other guys uh so i have a fallback um i leave guys on for a week and then i lose interest i still have a blankie yeah some of them were more some of them were crimes some were like i killed a man in an alleyway uh so chuck matches up with kiki and austin matches up with cheyenne they're just having fun with it like you gotta this is week fucking six this has to like we said this last episode during weeks two through five like this has to be the point in the game where it's like

we should really figure out who we want to win these challenges so that we know who descended the yeah they're not there yet that literally doesn't happen until the final episode and they waste that anyway uh so chuck and kiki since they won first they get a helicopter tour and then austin and cheyenne since they were second place get to go get ice cream downtown pretty i mean that's kind of a bad prize doesn't it seem like that's kind of a bad like you probably got ice cream back at your place also you two ain't a match well i mean it's a chance for them to figure out i guess that's true over ice cream that they could have just had their house yeah as they watch, like, fly over an helicopter overhead. Yeah, it's true. That would have been nice.

Dang. If only I'd put your face puzzle together faster. Hannah, at this point, is totally done with Chuck. Has a lot of harsh words to say about him. Well, in the last episode, he just, like, fucked somebody else. Yeah, Brittany. So she is, like, done-zo. britney so she's she is like donezo uh and then ryan announces there is a all-night lovers luau beach party for all of them waiting which i started to get very into there's another thing

that happens in a in a later episode i get into this idea of them i mean this is the point of the whole fucking show and this was such a season full of people just obstinately refusing to play the game, are you the one that they had been cast to play? But it seems like the way you do the shit is you have as many big hang seshes as you can possibly do, and then get to know people, and then see if there's a fit there yeah but people aren't i mean to use language of the show they're not open in their hearts they're like having these real surface conversations about like you know what i want i want a relationship where we're like

nice to each other and like we do fun stuff and like but, why don't you get those boobies out that shirt? Like, that's very much like... Also, now that I... You seem like you're a nice person, and I need a shorty to hold me down. But also, would you get the boobies out of that shirt just to like... I don't know. For the game? For the game.

For the game? Very the game. For the game? Very much a lot of that. Like, physical. That physical. That intimate. That heat. That passion. That's important.

That's important in a love. In a love? It's important in a love, but it can't be the only thing. Well, it's just, it's not like they're finding out things about each other. They're just saying what they want at each other. You know? Like, I want this. I want this. I want this want this i want this i'm glad we had this talk i feel so close to you right now like not like the most real talk conversation i had not like connor season was connor being like

yeah i'm a recovering drug addict chelsea's like whoa that's crazy like i do this because and this is why this is why i i am a drug counselor yeah like oh well this is why i started doing drugs he's like oh okay this is how people do it how people like have conversation interesting yeah uh so at the all night lovers luau party and i'm really going to talk about the date between chuck and kiki and austin cheyenne because fucking nothing happens no like this is austin's first date he's real excited about it but cheyenne is like not really feeling it because austin's like you know if i immediately if i find something i don't like about somebody i shut down and i and i back away he's on that anomalies

shit yeah exactly exactly good reference thanks uh and chuck and kiki are like oh yeah we're totally a match we both like water yeah but there's like no actual real chemistry there uh and so uh all night lovers luau there's like a dj and torches and and hula dancers and parrots. They said we used to get our personal DJ, we get a personal bartender and our own personal parrots. You can't have personal parrots. Unless it's your pet parrot. You can't have a personal parrot. How can you cage a bird?

Yeah, I know. You can't. Well, you can put a bird to cage know you can't well you can't well you can't you can't put a bird to cage but this is where zach and hannah meet really for the first time in a real way they're dancing on the floor they're really grooving on each other which is something the kids say really grew hey Hey, kids, groovy moves. Is that the nae nae? I'm sorry, you have no idea what the nae nae is. We were in a conversation last weekend about what these different dance moves were because we're not 100% sure. Don't say we. I wasn't there.

I know exactly what the nae nae is. I wish there was a video component. Yeah? That's it. That looks more like... This is the... Okay. That's it. That's all there is to it.

It's the pile. That's not the whip? That is, yeah. It's the pile. So that's the whip. And then the nae nae is... Just kind of like you wave it off. Okay.

Now you show me. No, don't. Let's do a podcast. Zach and Hannah go out to the water. Zach makes some line about slippery when wet because Zach loves what he thinks to be a funny catchphrase. Yeah. And they really groove on each other

they get really hannah takes an article of clothing off they have a fun time and and they are really they're doing some dangerous stuff out there well yeah it's the ocean at night there could be anything in there manta rays the fucking scourge of the sea you laughed at me last week when i talked about how scary manta rays were they're they're gigantic you said they were like smiling kites and then i had nightmares about just that that night um wouldn't really that's not a pleasant image for you smiling kites it is but it's not like what they are it's like you call a shark like a i don't know like a smiling there's another a shark is so scary it's not that easy to turn a phrase like i did is it and i understand like i know the numbers of like we kill way more of them than they do of us but

i'm saying i'm so scared of the ocean what kind of podcast is this i'm the one where i talk about how very scared of the ocean okay you'll never catch me in the ocean not past like i have i have exactly i'll go like 10 feet into it but then once i reach the the once the water becomes deep enough that a manta ray could potentially be and after you have used the restroom and after i've well that's just a power play that's me letting mother nature know what's up i built i we built the fucking trains you know what i mean we built trains we built we invented the wheel discovered fire like i get to pee in you you know what i wonder on all these reality shows where like couples are embracing in the ocean you know somebody's accidentally been

peed on they're just right in there yeah yeah. Courtney and Ben having their little infamous rendezvous. Oh. I'm glad to know that you still remember The Bachelor, even though clearly you've abandoned it for Are You the One? Yeah, well, it's a part of my past. And I cherish my past, but I'm a wonder now. I'm an oneeter. I'm an oneeter through and through.

Okay, so... This is when Devin starts to get jealous of Kiki and Chuck. This is where Devin... This is where the fucking transformation begins. And, like, weird... Like, funny audience surrogate Kevin becomes... Or Kevin. He doesn't even deserve the name Devin,

because he becomes... This is what happens. He becomes a becomes, or Kevin. He doesn't even deserve the name Devin, because he becomes, this is what happens, he becomes a real, genuine Kevin. You know what I mean? I can't hear Kevin without thinking of two very specific Kevins, and both of them are darling. Yeah. I think of Kevin Arnold from The Wonder Years. Yeah, he's great.

And I think of Kevin Hart, who is adorable. Yeah. Those are, there's not a bad Kevin. But I don't know a good Devin nealon yeah well i don't charming i guess uh all right then he's still just devon but fuck that dude turns bad we gotta pick up the pace we're like 16 minutes in we haven't even cleared one episode yet okay okay um something happens with kiki right yes and uh no britney and chuck hook up right he sees it and kiki and chuck were like kind of a thing at that point and then later kiki is like what's the deal how can you do this and everyone's trash

because it's uh they got fucked up at ryan devlin's it's an all-night lover's luau beach party and they're all like in the kitchen like eating in the drunk way that people do. And Kiki pulls Chuck aside. And Chuck is like, she was like, can I give you a lap dance? And I said, yes. Like, what's the big deal? She offered. Like, do you want half of this candy bar? Do you want a lap dance?

Same level. I said yes to both. She said them both together really fast. So I had to accept the lap dance or else it'd be rude uh and then kayla's there and everybody's like chuck you're an asshole and kayla says chuck you have dick all over your face which i remember you really liked i did like that yeah i think that's my favorite line from the movie garden state and so then as soon as kiki and chuck like hash out kiki's like where's devon like i really want to spend some time with devon now and devon's like fuck you yeah let's not do this anymore who

goes into that truth booth is what i want to know truth booth chuck and kiki trying let's see if we can make it work everyone's like the game is riding on this this is this is the moment not a match not a match no um why was it riding on that just because they need to get fucking kiki done i think they had matched last week yeah they had gone into the matchup ceremony together last week and so everybody's like we got two beams last week if they match match, then we know that they were the other match. And then we'll know that everybody else hasn't. Yeah. But they're not a match.

No such luck. They didn't get, that week two blackout gave them so many, like, hard data points that they would not, would not have, like, matched anybody without that week two. Like, they wouldn't have gotten fucking anywhere without that week two blackout. If they had had this, like, yeah, that probably would have. Yeah. or without that week two blackout, if they had had this,

yeah, that probably would have... Yeah. Well, and this is when I coined the phrase, and I think it holds up for the whole season, is it's not the match you want, it's the match you deserve. Yeah. People here are pretty terrible. They may get a terrible match

that reflects how terrible they are. Okay, I didn't end the show just not liking as many of the people as you apparently did. I don't think you're a big fan of most of the, you want to go through now who you like and who you don't like. Yeah, sure. Fuck it.

Connor and Chelsea very much into that. Yeah, of course. Zach and Hannah. Yeah. I think that's all right. I'm into that. I,

um, Cheyenne. I like Cheyenne. I like Rashida. I like Rashida a lot. Like Tyler a lot. Um, Cheyenne. I like Cheyenne. I like Rashida. I like Rashida a lot. I like Tyler a lot. Cheyenne, Rashida, real standout moments where they said who they were, stuck their flag in the ground.

Got in a fight with God. Said, I care about things. I have opinions. Sure. Hunter? No. No. Alec?

I thought he was okay. Alec is okay. Kind of lost. Kind. Hunter? No. No. Alec? I thought he was okay. Alec is okay. Kind of lost. Kind of a lost man. And of course Chuck. And Devin and Mike. Just kidding. They're trash.

Yeah. I mean, I like Tyler a lot. Yeah, yeah. I like Tyler a lot, too. Okay, anyway. We've gotten in the weeds. So when Chuck and kiki aren't a match devin flips the table uh and even nelson nelson who has like a history of the week

the week the week before like fucking hulk broke two doors two doors apart it's like hey devin man devin also says her name will uh speaking of kiki her name will never come out of my mouth again, because I will fuck her and then tear her down. Yeah, and everyone's like, oh, man, hey. Like, literally, everybody's like, because everybody said some pretty whack shit over the course of the show, because they get fucked up every night. But not like evil genius. Yeah, everybody's like, whoa, dude, you need to reign it in.

And this is where the full Kevin transformation has, like, set in. And so this is Austin. Austin comes up with his no blackout strategy he's like hey guys follow me i know exactly what to do and so everyone's like all right i don't understand what you're saying or what your strategy is but i'll do it because i don't have any ideas yeah uh and so they do it um there's a lot of weird choices here like tyler picks hannah like and everyone's like what there's so many people who like haven't spoken there's like a lot most of the people here like haven't spoken yeah like um there's just a lot of choices that happen and everybody's walking up there and they're saying like i don't know i don't know why i'm doing this austin told

me to yeah uh and they get three matches so not a blackout not the worst they've ever done what was the strategy there just like we don't want to like we're so fucking far behind we just don't want to lose any of the money that we're not going to win any what like it just seems like one of many many opportunities where they just fucking wasted time well there's like some stuff they wanted to keep. Like they wanted Alec and Stacey together because they'd been together a few times. They wanted Devin and Rasheed together because they'd been together a few times.

But then they just kind of threw shit at the wall. Just kind of threw some spaghetti at the wall. Yeah. Well, I'm sure a lot of those were based on, there had to be some sort of logic to it, right? There had to be some sort of like, these people didn't match up in these ceremonies and these people didn't match up in these ceremonies. So if we switch everybody one to the left, then there's probably some sort of logic to it right there had to be some sort of like these people didn't match up in these ceremonies and these people didn't match up in these ceremonies so if we switch everybody

one to the left then there's probably some sort of math that like we weren't following um but yeah didn't go so great no uh episode seven everybody everybody's always like kind of outraged after these and this is when hunter gives a speech and says like we have to be each other's family and then they decide to have a talent show to get to know each other that's good shit though that's what i'm saying that's that that's that that's that meat that's that meaty sauce that i crave uh so there are so i let's see what you remember because i just wrote down real general notes i mean hunter delivered the most beautiful speech the most beautiful poem i've ever heard in my whole life.

Yeah, everybody loves Hunter's poem. He goes last. Devin did a rap. There were impressions. Do you remember the celebrity impressions? Did Tyler do Bill Cosby? Yes. And then there was like a weird political one by Zach.

He like, he was doing... Zach did like Obama, I think. I don't know who that was. If you're doing an impression of a... If you're doing a presidential impression, I can't tell if it's President Barack Hussein Obama, and a lot of people have forgotten about the Hussein.

God, Griffin. This is the second time you've made that joke. It's a joke. Just some, a lot of people have forgotten as long as I'm saying. I'm not only making a statement one way or the other, I'm just saying a lot of the people have forgotten about the as I'm saying. I'm not only making a statement one way or the other, I'm just saying a lot of the people have forgotten about the Hussein, but it's important. Okay.

I can't tell if you're doing Barack Obama or Bill Clinton, your impression's bad. Yeah. Is it not a good impression? Well, Zach never claimed to be like a, you know, like a Jeff Foxworthy. The master of impressions. Do some of Jeff Foxworthy's impressions.

He's so good. Sorry, you want me to do my impression of Jeff Foxworthy doing an impression of who? Give me the other person. Well, you know, like his famous ones. No, you can fucking put this on me, but you can't ask me to freeform half of it.

Do Jeff Foxworthy doing Matthew McConaughey? Oh, man. Okay. Now, when I get in my Lincoln and turn it on, I want to know that this car

is premium. Get her done. I fucked it up. No. That was the wrong one. I thought for sure you were going to be right. All right, so let me try again. What I like about these high school girls...

It sounds like your jaw is clamped together. Well, he keeps his mouth really small when he does the impressions. That's the Jeff Fox really secret. Okay. One of the good things about these high school girls is they keep getting younger and I stay the same age. Get her done. He doesn't say get her done.

You guys are the same age. Here's your sign. No. Lord, I apologize. Get her done. I thought you'd be like you might be a high school girl. Alright, alright. You're saying that jeff foxworthy when he does impressions of other people he injects his own blue collar catchphrases into them of

course he does okay you you haven't seen his latest special that's what it is and what's the title of that special um red white and going blue. Oh, because he's like swearing. It's weird. He usually goes pretty clean. Is the word white in like all caps? It's bolded. Okay.

Anyway. Crawling. Crawling. talent show. And then let's see. What was the challenge? The challenge. The challenge was, um, quote, you guys really need a helping hand. That was just Ryan Devlin.

Just like injecting his own sort of yeah opinions into the show uh the guys are the arms and hands of women as they stack blocks yeah this one was okay yeah um alex and melanie or sorry alec and melanie hunter and rashida are the winners no and no no and no i know no and no. No and no. I know. No and no. What the fuck, guys? No and no. Now, eventually they do, teaser, eventually they do figure out that we should engineer challenges so that certain people win. But even that, they can't fucking do. But yeah, they don't execute it well. These fucking idiot kids.

I got too angry at them. They're beautiful souls. They're just trying to find their way out there. So the four of those people get to go on a horseback ride. Meanwhile, back at the house, Kayla and Mike get into an egg fight. Oh, this really has tickled you. At which point Amanda is like, because Amanda is a big fan of Mike, as we know. She can't let go.

But Kayla and Mike are starting to vibe on each other. And Amanda witnesses this egg fight and instead of revealing like hey i'm really jealous she's like you guys don't waste food that's gross people are starving i just get really angry when people waste food she like leans into it because uh who is it that like uh shit somebody's like hey i'm gonna be honest with you all. This is not about the food. This is Nelson. Nelson, like, puts her on blast, like, just so everybody's clear. Yeah, like, let's not pretend.

This is not about some eggs. And she's just like, I don't, I've never been in a food fight. I just, like, it's really, it's important to me that, like, no matter what, if I fight with somebody, I'm just not going to waste food about it. Like, oh, you're, that's kind of a crazy thing to say out loud. I would not, no matter what kind of beef I get into with a person, wasting food just doesn't enter in the equation. I will say and do a lot of things.

Waste food is not. But I will not waste food. Especially eggs. That's a hearty food. There's a lot of valuable nutrients in those eggs. Mm-hmm. a hearty food with a lot of valuable nutrients in those eggs. So on the date,

Hunter is there and he's on a horse and so everybody's like, oh, cowboy, because they're all wearing cowboy hats and cowboy shirts. Can we skip the date? None of these couples are fucking anything. Alec and Melanie get taken to the truth booth for like, I don't know, why?

Why? I guess because Alec had been with Stacy so long and they were just trying to figure out is it possible Alec should match with somebody else? But they're not a match. Tyler's super exh nice conversation okay whatever yeah yeah tyler's into melanie melanie seems to like get that tyler's a good guy but seems to have no no chemistry with him um the one thing i will say about this when they're selecting their truth booth match uh zach literally puts on a blindfold and goes up and just jabs at the screen good like what the fuck like there's no metric for this one this was just one how many fucking challenges did they waste how many truth they wasted all but maybe like three truth this is episode seven and they're fucking they're still like i don't know pick whichever whichever. It's the worst. So this is when Kayla says, hey, guys, this is ridiculous. Look, because after the truth booth, they all separate off.

And the women are sitting together talking. The men are sitting together talking. The fake couples are together. And Kayla's like, this happens every time. Let's sit down with a new person and talk to each other. And so they do a speed dating thing. This happens every time let's sit down with a new person and talk to each other. And so they do like a speed dating thing. And they all treat each other like we are geniuses.

That we are finally doing this on episode seven. We're having a fucking conversation. Yeah. Seven weeks in. Yeah. It seems like it's going okay. I feel like there's one couple that has like a, oh, this person's actually pretty cool. But then Kiki looks over and is like, boy, Deon sure has been talking to her for too long huh yeah it's like nobody gives a fuck

about this storyline anymore this plot line's over yeah yeah there are some good conversations people actually seem to be like talking about themselves and what they want uh tyler feels real confident and they're all in the hot tub and he like gives a speech like hey guys y'all did really good i'm really proud of us um but then devon and kiki start fucking with each other because kiki's like i really need to talk to devon again tonight we really need to have a talk um and this is when devon starts saying some really fucked up shit about kiki i forget this but there were a few salvos in this particular battle. I'll take you on good credit, because it sounds like the kind of thing. This is when he brings up the puppet thing.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's just kind of like, you know, I can manipulate her. Like, I can gather ammo and use it against her. Like, you know, like, I'm the, like, puppet master. And then they get in bed together in the big communal room and everybody is like this is terrible you're idiots mainly i mean obviously devon is a mess but they're also like kiki what are you doing that's to stop this is the fucking fifth time it's hard because it's in balance.

And Kiki is like, why am I getting all this shit? And Devin gets off easy. And it's like, well, everybody knows that Devin's a nightmare. Yeah, but that doesn't. It's in balance. I know, but it's... Kiki is like a nice person. Kiki is a very nice person, and it's not fair.

This show is also engineered to create these circumstances. Because it's like, where the fuck are you going to go? you gonna do what you're gonna do um so it's time for the match ceremony uh alec and stacy get back together um because alec and melanie were in a match they're like well let's throw alec and stacy back together like, well, let's throw Alec and Stacey back together. Oh, wait. No. No, it's Rashida and Alec. So they've really moved away. Oh, I'm looking at my notes now. So Rashida picks Alec. This is another one of those weeks where they just do whatever the hell they want. Rashida picks Alec. Kiki picks Nelson. What? Yeah. Everyone everyone's like what is happening right now you guys haven't even talked to each other uh Amanda picks Hunter Devin picks Britt Mel picks Chuck I mean these these are all like rando except for like Zach and Hannah um Kayla and Austin it's just everybody just

you know whoever whatever I don't know what's happening. And they get three matches. And Ryan says, you are still following what you want, not what you need. Keep in mind, when we say three matches, that includes Connor and Chelsea. Yeah, every time, yeah. So that's not, it's really two matches. Now we get to episode eight, which is your notes. Oh yeah, do you want me to read it i do i drew a penis there at the top yeah two reasons for that one i got bored so we we were watching on the mtv app and there were so many shitty like

like buffering breaks and so in those one of those buffer breaks i drew a penis so we up until this point i have taken all the notes at a certain point i was like i want a break griffin's like i'll take notes and so we're swapping roles right now all right uh first note the mtv app has the worst commercials that's true we watched the same commercial for that fucking andy sandberg movie like six times in a row. Yes. Only on that episode, though. We never saw it again after that episode. They're showing a trailer for a commercial for some fucking phone. And it's the one where Jason Statham is like every person in the city. You know what I mean?

It's the one where like, he's like all the women and all the men. And there's like a bull chase. It's not Jason Statham, though. Yeah, it is. It's Jason Statham. Oh, there's another one where it's Ryan Reynolds. But there's another one where's not Jason Statham, though. Yeah, it is. It's Jason Statham. Oh, there's another one where it's Ryan Reynolds, but there's another one where it's Jason Statham. Oh, okay. So they released that commercial for this fucking phone

with Jason Statham as every person in this city, and they released that commercial on April Fool's Day. It was April 1st. They're showing like a teaser trailer where it shows a guy on a phone, and you pan up, and you can see it's kind of Jason Statham face, and it's like, tune in for more on April 1.

Cool. It's tax day. It's April 15th. So why is MTV showing me a commercial for a commercial for a thing that came out two weeks ago? I didn't even notice that one. Drove me crazy. Okay. So this is week 8.

Everybody's really, really bummed out. Hannah chimes in and says that she thought that one of the matches was nelson and kiki just like i feel really good about that um and then we get into the drama of uh devin's bad dick yeah oh we get into the drama of devin's bad sex something must have happened we didn't see they're in bed and they're like she's like can you do me again because i didn't even get close yeah but how much more that's literally i think as explicit as television there must have been something that

motivated kiki to then go on and tell everybody like devin probably devin has been fucking horrible to her for like three weeks running at this point uh there's literally a scene where they're like in bed and close up on some condoms and kiki's like can you do it again because i wasn't even close and he's like and his quote was uh i'm just still learning what well each woman has a series of intricacies fuck that it's not like the maze on the back of a cereal box. That you have to learn over time. So then Kiki runs and talks some shit to

a whole gaggle of people. Which blew my mind because the thing I had convinced myself, I was like, why does Kiki keep going back to him? It must be because their physical relationship is so great. And then this episode... Apparently he's got a bad wing-long. Well... His wing-long might not be bad.... Apparently he's got a bad wing-wong. Well... His wing-wong might not be bad.

I think he's just a selfish lover. That's the sense I get. Yeah, that might be it. She never... She never explicitly says you know what I don't like about Devin is his wing-wong. He's got a curly wing-wong like a duck. Tell me about ducks' wing-wongs.

Oh, you're not googling it are you talk us through this i don't want to see this i thought you were actually going to type duck wing wong oh looks like a wizard staff oh i don't like this griffin griffin i don't i don't like this. Griffin. Griffin, I don't like this. Have you ever seen an echidna's penis? What's weird is that a picture of Daisy and Donald came up. Oh, yeah. An echidna penis has four heads.

How do you know what so many... Check that shit out. What? How do you know what so many animal penises look like? Why don't you know? You took science classes. Okay. Anyway. Back on the notes.

Back on the notes. We get to the challenge. It's extra dirty laundry. It's a women's challenge. We note that the women are really catching the fucking worst of these challenges. Yeah. They had to eat pig feet and put their hands in squid. lunches yeah they had to eat pig feet and put their hands in squid and now their exes are on screen given the opportunity to warn the contestants of things that their ex have done terribly wrong

right um but the the objective is to match the ex to the woman. So the guys are listening and they think, oh, that sounds like so-and-so, and they have to guess. Brittany's ex gets up there, talks some trash. He also says, I still get I love you texts. And Brittany goes to the women like, oh, well, that is true. This man has a very thick country accent, so everybody immediately is like,

oh, this must be or britney um when you oh so when the okay so the game was also you had to guess which woman it was but you had to run and grab a life preserver with her name on it and then run and toss it onto a hook yeah which is weird you know um devon laundry uh out first round, and Kiki makes a joke about how he's bad at ring toss. That's not the only thing he's bad at. His wing-wong's also curled like a duck's wing. It says it right. Stacey's ex gets up there and talks about how clingy his ex is, and everybody's like,

oh, Stacey. It's gotta be Stacey. Everyone gets that right. Cheyenne's ex, whose name is Yader, gets up there. It's just like, Cheyenne's great. Yeah, and she's like, yeah, I still love Yader. And she says, if you're in a relationship with me, you're in a relationship with him, too.

Hey, there's a cool little setup. Amanda's ex gets up there and says, she's really, really hot-tempered and everyone's like yeah like yeah we got doesn't they doesn't he use the phrase pop off yeah she pops off all and that's literally the verb that they used to describe she must have introduced that because it seems weird that they would both use that same expression um the winners were hunter nelson and austin nelson chooses uh kiki uh hunter chooses amanda and austin chooses kayla for the dates um none of these are especially good i don't think yeah aust. Austin chooses Kayla just because she hasn't gone on a date yet,

which is like a sweet little gesture, I guess. But like, damn, we should really be figuring this out, don't you think, guys? Because it's episode fucking eight. Also, there is an uncomfortable interaction between Chuck and Brittany's ex, where Chuck is like, is upgrade. Yeah. Whatever. Brittany's ex is like real clean cut, I want to say.

And Chuck's like, hey, man. Like, clearly I know what I'm doing. And I did it to her last night. Yeah. Whatever. Yeah. I don't know. They're going spearfishing uh which hunter like gets so

psyched about and i have this headcanon of like maybe hunter and chuck to merman otp what do you think what do you think about that otp baby you are a professional podcaster now on the internet you have to know internet terms one true pairing whoa yeah it's like what is that a reference to i i think it probably started with like i i'm so wrong about everything i've ever said on about internet things i think it's like a it started i believe imagine like in in your head like oh well harry potter and hermione that's my otp because they're both so smart but really hermione ends up with ron what does that have to do with podcasting i'm just saying it's like a nerd shit and the podcasts are nerd shit oh yeah okay um this is when uh

is it nelson who can't do water it is nelson can't do water very well uh before the day even get we even get to the day uh mike talks to amanda and it's like please please god go with anybody else go with hunter we're not a match please she's like no it's you it's like it's fucking you're gonna lose the game for us um and devin finds out that he's been talking smack and defends his bad sex um and attacks kiki about it he doesn't even really defend it though if i remember correctly he's like why would you tell people yeah it wasn't like i'm really great in bed guys she's wrong it's more like why would she say that so then he goes spearfishing exclusively for beautiful tropical fish yeah they're spearing they kill the fuck out of dora like yeah killer killer all these like fish you would see in fish tanks not like we, we're going to eat this tonight.

This is a beautiful black and white striped fish. And we just speared it. Hunter is very into Amanda. Amanda is not at all. Hunter just keeps swinging and missing on this show. And then for the truth booth, of course, duh, Nelson and Kiki. At this point, Kiki has four men that it could possibly be. That is how many fucking times that she has been in the truth booth.

She became like the control group. Which is, I guess, good data to have, but like, not if it's... But Kiki who has no strong opinions about anything, like somebody that cannot help them at all. Somebody that won't be like oh you know what i i have great instincts and i'm gonna say no to nelson she's just like hell i don't know maybe it is nelson they have an okay time on their day and so she's like i don't know maybe it is and they know she's really upset that he won't get in the water and swim she's like i am adventurous he is not which she brings she brings up uh to spite him uh after they are of course not a match yeah kiki is the fuck i have written down here that she is the devourer

of the truth booth she has wasted so many and it's not her fucking fault like it's it's explicitly not no everybody sends everybody's the one that sends her it's just fucking insane i see their reasoning of like well let's just keep going with this person till we narrow it down but they're wasting so much time because literally there are nine people there that are not a match for her and we're gonna go through every single one of them and they almost do yeah they almost do they waste so much time uh so uh what happens? Oh, Alec and Stacey have a talk where they're like, I think we should make this work.

I think we can make this thing work. Well, Alec. Because Stacey's ex gets up there and Stacey's ex is like, she's a great girl. I don't know what you want me to say. Yeah, she's real loyal. She's real loyal. She's real cool. And Alec hears that.

Stacey's been really clinging up to this point. So Alec's like, I gotta bail. But now they talk about it like, all right, let's talk about this thing. Oh, this is good. This is like, this is good. Amanda and Mike get back together. That's a fucking dumpster fire. Well, wait, do they go into the match ceremony together?

No, but they- They just hook up. They hit that boom boom. Yeah. They hit that boom boom pow. And then we get to the match ceremony. I have written here, Tyler is a sweet boy. I don't know why.

He's a sweet boy. I like him a lot. Mike picks. D don't know why. He's a sweet boy. I like him a lot. Mike picks, duh, of course, Melanie. And everybody freaks the fuck out. Because it's like- Melanie's like, we haven't even talked. We've literally never talked. Kiki loses her fucking mind.

Because Kiki's like, at this point, they've weeded out seven men in the house, except for Mike, Alec, and Tyler. Yeah. One of those three. 33.3 repeating percent chance. Yeah. That I'm your match. And you picked this fucking girl you've never talked to before.

Yeah, everybody was real mad at Mike. It gets better. Hunter picks Brittany. Alec picks Stacey. Because they're like, you know. They're trapped together forever. But again, Alec, one in three chance that it's kiki doesn't go for it uh and then tyler the only other person that it literally could be with kiki gets up there pick cheyenne yeah and everybody's like

kiki freaks the fuck out everybody else freaks the fuck out this we know for sure we're not gonna get all 10 now a bomb goes off're like, you've wasted this ceremony. Tyler says, like, I've never talked to her. So, like, you want me to throw my vote away when I think I have a thing going with Cheyenne? That doesn't make any sense. Well, yeah, and this becomes an issue because this was the week for the men to choose. And the women are really leaning hard. Like, you men are idiots. What are you doing?

Chuck picks Amanda. Like, no. Devin picks Rashida. the women are really leading hard like you men are idiots what are you doing uh chuck picks amanda like no uh devon picks rashida uh it's the third time that they've picked it rashida freaks out because like everybody's sitting with the same people yeah like the same like we are not changing anything in a meaningful way uh zach picks hannah and then uh austiniki. Confirmed non-match. When I say confirmed non-match, I'm saying because they went into the fucking truth booth together. Yeah, they know. There are only three men left for Kiki. And then Nelson takes Kayla, and we get three beams of light.

Stop me if you've heard this one before. It was a fucking disaster. All right. At this point, we switch back to our note-taking roles for episode nine. Let's just go straight to the getaway challenge, which is everybody has decided Alec and Stacey need to win. Let's finally, for sure, figure out it's Alec and Stacey. Let's let them win the challenge. Let's send them to the truth booth. This is when they finally started to figure out if we compare the first week results to the second week this is when they finally started to figure out if we compare

the first week results to the second week blackout then we can start coming up with some really hard data that we can use as a foothold yeah to compare the rest of the shit against yeah so they're pretty sure that stacy and alec who sat together most of the time have been one of the three matches that most of the time they've had three matches so this is so each end of a rope is tied to a partner each partner has to untangle meet in the middle and hug in order to get the date so everybody goes into the same we gotta let alec and stacy win three slots one of them has to be alec and stacy uh stacy immediately freaks out uh because she doesn't understand how to untangle herself and she's very loudly freaking out and everybody is listening to it and thinking maybe we don't let

him win maybe stacy would never figure it out maybe this is my chance to go on a fun date this is we're setting stacy free she'll fucking die here on the beach tangled up in this fabric she'll never be able to escape. She lives here now. She lives in her fabric prison. Oh, and I will say, this is another challenge that didn't have a name. And so Griffin called it Not Afraid to Find Love. But with K in it.

With a K. Yeah, it was good. I think what really kicks it off is Hannah and Zach finish really fast. And so they run to the middle and hug to win. And everybody freaks the fuck out. Like like hey yeah we made a deal and then everybody else is like enabled by their despite the fact that there's three spots like why wouldn't two of them go to the people that went like have two people like do the challenge regularly to like go on these dates yeah and then hunter's like come on britney just come here let's just do

it let's just do it you come here they do it. You come here. So they do it. That's number two. And then, most shocking of all, Austin. The fucking Judas Iscariot. Austin, who's like, Mr. Strategy. Like, guys, we need to do strategy. It's so important. Gets his spot. He's like, well, they're gonna do it.

Come on. Who is his partner? Kayla. Kayla. Come on, Kayla. It's, first of all, fucking Kayla? Like, that's who you think? Yeah.

And so the three of them, or the three couples, get an off-roading waterfall date. But, like, everybody loses their, like, everybody's like, what the fuck is wrong? We can't even do this right. Like, we talked about how we literally talked about rigging this so this people could win so we could get them in the truth booth and finally figure this shit out. If they had done that in week nine, they would have saved. They could have done so much.

But they couldn't even fucking do that. They couldn't even lose a challenge good. No, they're so, everybody is so selfish and so willing to give up immediately. Like, oh, is she having a little trouble with the knots well fuck it i want to go on a date no just stand perfectly still all right um so this is when mike and amanda fall apart oh yeah okay it's they both have a lot to drink and they start fighting

kisses mike kisses kayla yes uh who was the woman who was like into connor until he left and she had a big blow up and he mike decides i'm gonna tell amanda because i want her to know from me first of all no conversations like this should be happening at night. Yeah, because they're all trash all the time. Because they're all fucked up out of their minds. Yeah. Immediately, it's like a switch is flipped and Amanda's immediately like super duper pissed off. She's like, I'm going to smash this glass bottle over your head. I'm going to like.

Yeah. She's yelling. She's swearing. And it continues. It just goes on and on and on multiple locations they're outside they're inside he's like in so then he's in bed uh and amanda is like up on him and like grabs a pillow and hits him in the face with the pillow and everybody is there everybody's there like maybe not everybody but like six people at least are there in that room with them including like chuck and um hunter are there and they're like you know they're everybody's like laughing somebody makes a comment about like

get the popcorn like they're all like laughing and having a good time and then hannah's there too zach is there zach is there and amanda hits uh hits him in the face with a pillow, and he stands up, and he's like, well, now you're getting me pissed off. Now you're getting me pissed off. And he, like, at first he'd been, like, trying to, like, I just want to have a conversation about it. But this is, it's, like, terrifying how quickly, to use Amanda's words, like, how quickly this dude pops the fuck off.

Yeah. In, like, a genuinely, like, genuinely like scary way he's just he's laying there the whole time nobody's doing anything and you can feel it escalating as you're watching it and so first he hits her with a pillow like really hard and she's like she'd been hitting him with a pillow so i don't think it like makes her nervous and then he like grabs her by the neck right by the back of the neck throws her down on the bed yeah and he is yelling and she like rolls like somersaults like yeah because it is hard out of the throat because like he chucks her yeah um and it's like it's scary man it's bad

like pretty much pretty much instantly the dudes like run over to mike like i i guess hoping to run over to mike like i i guess hoping to get a little body shield she finally the group is like oh shit oh shit we should have done something about this a while so amanda goes outside but she comes back in to like yell at him like don't you fucking put your hands on me and then finally the group like breaks it up and um the the guys are like hey mike you fucked the fuck up dude yeah you fucking idiot like what the fuck is wrong with you mike like immediately tries to turn it like why don't you guys do something why don't you guys like why don't you guys do anything like no dude yeah nah dude nah um chuck like chuck like is immediately just done chuck's like i'm done like you've you don't have any friends in the house now like you're done um

and then you hear mike say all right because some producers and security guys come into the room so there's an extra clip on the mtv website by the way of the the security guys getting him out of the house oh um so then there's like a black screen and it says that the producers take mike to a hotel for the night and this is is... We're immediately like, is this the punish? Like, is this the punish? And it just made me wonder, like, they have to have some kind of contingency plan. Yeah. And and the way it reads as you're watching

it, it's like, okay, well, let's see. So, one woman to one bed equals one hotel room for one night. Like, it just seems like a weird like what would have made the difference what would have made them be like hey no now we have to call the cops or like hey no now we have to like immediately kick you off the show yeah it was just like it seemed like a strange scramble to me uh and i was real confused about how they were going to rebound from that well okay

so i i don't watch a lot of uh music television programming but certainly they know how to fucking handle this like certainly they and i'm not saying they know how to do it the right way um i'm not saying that they know the correct like part of this punishment like physical violence punishment spectrum to land in but after fucking what a hundred seasons of the real world and road rules and the real world road rules they had to think this might they have to know like that this shit happens fuck there was that season real world awesome that guy almost died because he got his face beat and that wasn't by somebody else on the show yeah like they they they it's not like this is the first time this has happened on an mtv yeah show and it seems like they have a fairly zero tolerance

policy because mike ends up going home they say this okay this part this part gets this is where this is the part that put a weirder taste in my mouth the next morning uh there's another black screen and it says under the supervision of the producers, Mike returns. He comes back. He packs his bags. And I'm just like, shit, what the hell is going on? But yeah, then he immediately goes to his suitcase, starts packing his bags. Well, you know immediately he's going to pack his bags.

It's not like the producer. I thought maybe he was going to hang around. Who's your date? Well, Mike. Hey, I'm Mike. I'm going to take Kayla on this date. And of course, the two producers that have to come with me everywhere I go because I assaulted a woman. So yeah, so Mike immediately starts packing, says he doesn't want to be there anymore he doesn't like he doesn't feel like i mean he says like no woman's gonna want to go out

with me which is like yeah dude um but like it is very much position like it is his choice and he has he goes around and he says his goodbyes to like a few of the folks yeah he's like that's not me you know i didn't i wish i could take it back i'm so sorry it's not me it's not me yeah cheyenne's talking to him and just like you know everybody played a role here um and and mike and uh amanda are both like neither of us is able to walk away like once we start escalating like neither one of us will walk away. Because everyone's like, Mike, why didn't you just leave the room? Why didn't you walk away?

And they both are like, we just can't. Like it just doesn't work for us. So he ends up leaving. And as he leaves, another black screen with another like title card that says violence is never the answer if you are like if you're subject to or know somebody who's subject to domestic abuse here is like a website hotline thing for it it's like i i mean definitely the dude fucking gotta go like you gotta fucking go like you gotta have a zero tolerance policy like there's no you there can't be a gradient like there can't there has to be a zero tolerance policy why didn't they

just make an example out of it and say we're asking you to leave i don't know uh it was a yeah it sucked uh there were so many fights like there were so so, I guess, we watch a lot of reality television, right? Like, I don't think there's anything this bad in The Bachelor of just like, well, no, I guess not even physical violence, but in terms of like, just like fucking fights. Like, fights. It's a lot of what Nelson does. It's a lot of like, throwing stuff, hitting doors. There's not even a lot of that.

Nobody like flips a fucking table over like devon did in the bachelor like nobody punches through a door i think that happens on the bachelorette when it's like a bunch of dudes like in a room together i feel like it's not unusual for the dudes to yeah it was uh yeah it sucked uh anyway so then there's ATVs and waterfalls. Kind of a weird tonal shift. That date lasts like 30 seconds. I literally looked at my phone to read a text message, and I looked up, and I missed it. Brittany and Hunter go to the truth booth.

Because they're like the country couple, they've been at a match ceremony before. Everyone's like, yeah, let's figure it out. They are not a match. At this point point they're like well it's got to be alec and stacy they have to be together so this is when they finally oh by the way we should point out at this point mike is gone yeah and the way that they're going to handle it is just like if the women are picking the last woman left just picks or you can pick

mike if you're a woman and yeah some poor lady is still a perfect match for mike when the men pick whoever's just the last woman standing ends up with mike boy that's oh dream date so some lady leaves this show knowing oh you know who my perfect match is my perfect match is the guy that had to be removed from the show from pushing violence cool um so this is when this is when this is when devin the fucking devin sucks like he was a garbage person this is when Devin, the fucking, Devin sucks like he was a garbage person. This is when he's like, okay, I'm going to win this fucking game. He gets out the red Solo cups. This is amazing.

So you pointed out there's no pins, paper, markers, fucking anything in the house. He gets out Solo cups and literally makes all 19 of them sit down around these Solo cups. And he has this system of like beams of light represented by the solo cups and figuring it out. He figures out, uh, by comparing who was matched up in week one, taking out the match they know now,

uh, and then comparing it to the week. Well, this is all on the assumption that Alec and Stacy are a match. That's what I'm saying. They figure out that there's two. Zach and Hannah are a match. Well,

the two matches that come out of that process that they can cancel out by comparing the week two blackout against the week one matches is that alec and stacy sat together and didn't get blacked out and uh zach and kayla who sat together in week one and didn't get blacked out in week two could be the other match and everybody looks at alec and stacy who have sat together a million times they call them fucking mom and dad. Yeah, they do. Like everybody is so on board with them being a couple. It is an assumption that if,

on the weeks where they only had one beam, they were it. On the weeks where they had two beams, they were one of the two. Yeah. They devise, Devin devises an entire strategy around this. And in that strategy,

all these different stars align, like Zach and Hannah match up. All all these different stars align like zach and hannah match up um all of these different couples come together and they are like renewed um they apparently sit around these solo cups for three hours just figuring out who is what solo cup and it's like that i wanted to see i wanted that to be half the fucking episode i know and we got more of it in the next episode but it's like that's all i wanted is for these clowns to finally piece this shit together. And everybody is like, thank you, Devin, for doing something that none of us know how to do or have the attention span to do. And unfortunately, doesn't work.

Two matches. Including Connor and? Yes. Fuck, I forgot it wasn't even three. Yeah. It is an absolute catastrophe. Yeah. I mean, should I say now that we know the results, should I say what they got right?

Yeah, who was the only one that got right? Kiki and Mike. And even that, Kiki was not psyched about it. I called that, by the way. You know what Kiki said? Because she goes up there by herself, and it's right after Mike's been kicked off the show. And Ryan is like, you know, Kiki, how do you feel about this? And Kiki says, I mean, I can find the good in any person.

All right, really trying to make lemonade out of that one. Lemonade out of that one. It is Devin like fucking head and hands like, I have just lost $750,000 for these 20 people. But they do all know after that ceremony, they're like, if it's not Alec and Stacey, it has to be Zach and Kayla. So keep in mind, this is going to be important later. They had deduced beyond a shadow of a doubt

that the match that they got there were two matches in week one the new one was somebody uh they knew that the second one was either alec and stacy or zach and hannah so they built this entire strategy around alec and stacy and it fucking failed catastrophically so at that point you know it's it's ali or uh zach and kayla you know it is you know it's them it's them that's a lock that's the only good thing that came out of this is it's, it's, uh, uh, Zach and Kayla. You know, it is, you know, it's them. It's them. That's a lock. That's the only good thing that came out of this is it's a fucking lock of

these two. You've eliminated one. One is the remainder. Two minus one is fucking one. It's Zach and Kayla are a match. This is important. Yes. Okay.

So episode 10, uh, we go in Chuck. So fucking dumb. Last week of the show, Chuck is like, you know what? I'm just going to go there. Chuck. So fucking dumb. Last week of the show, Chuck is like, you know what? I'm just going to go there. Last ceremony.

I'm just going to say matchmakers are wrong. I'm going to stand there with Britt. You know, I'm just going to be a man, stand in my truth. And Nelson's like, yeah, man. And Alec is like, what the fuck? Why? Why are you giving up? This is the last week. We have one more chance. They get altercation yeah they're like throwing stuff they're like mad at each other

yeah um and chuck is like let's just stand up there let's just say amen let's say we believe in what we feel and lose three quarters of a million dollars um and this one dev gives kind of like a like an inspirational speech and he's like if i can get this group across the finish line it would be equivalent to the greatest moments in sports history i'm just saying if he could do it this really would be fucking Chicago Bulls 1996. Fucking Golden State Warriors 2016. Like the greatest of all time. The GOAT.

So at the getaway challenge, which I also didn't write down a name for it. I don't think there was one. I didn't even ask you for one. Shit. Well, we were like in it at this point. Okay. So the ladies get on the men's backs while the men go over obstacles. They have the option to take a detour to a true-false question, which can shave time off of their total time to complete the course.

The only one of those that we see is uh who is the one melanie melanie and rashida did true or false did melanie and rashida offer chuck chuck a three-way on the first night and she was like oh that's true i was like why the fuck didn't we see that like it's been i guess a couple weeks since we watched episode one that didn't happen did it i mean clearly it did okay i guess so uh so kayla and zach um who we now know are probably a match they're definitely a match mathematically yeah i don't want not alec and stacy get into the fucking they're a match i'm sorry you're right they're a match mathematically a hundred percent they're a match. Kale and Zach, Devin and Rashida, and Mel and Tyler go on this date together. And they go canoe sailing.

Alec and Kiki do the challenge together because Alec knows, okay, maybe my match is Kiki. But Alec is like, no, man. They do so bad in the challenge that Alec is like, Kiki is not my match. There's no fucking way. And Kiki wants it so bad because she doesn't want it to be mike understandably so i don't blame her uh they go on this date she's private beach only disappointing thing is tyler and uh don't seem to like hit it off really he's like keeps thinking we are starting a friendship that is going to be the basis of the best relationship ever and mel is like yeah, Zach and Kayla have a good date.

They have a great date. Yeah, they're both Italian, which is a very big deal to both of them. On this show, it's a big deal to all the Italian people. And Rashida and Devin are just kind of like, we get each other. We're a good match. We're having a good time. I think it's a a good time i think it's a fun match i think it's a fun couple yeah um also devon has like a moment of reflection where he's like oh

man i was a fucking asshole like oh man i was a fucking asshole with kiki i can't but the only thing about like his revelation that sucks is his like i don't think me and Kiki are a match because she would just let me walk all over her. Yeah, exactly. And it's like, oh, dude, you almost had a nice moment of self-reflection where it was like, oh, I treat women fucking horribly. There's this weird ethic on the show of like, men are inherently assholes and women's job is to put them in their place and this happens over and over again or vice versa like oh yeah or like men or women are train wrecks and they need a man to

hold them down yeah it's like why does everybody have to be so terrible yeah why can't it just be like we're too good we're too good folks i wish connor and Connor and Chelsea had stayed on the show longer. I would say there are a lot of people in the world that share this idea of like a couple's need. You know what I need? A fucking babysitter. Yeah. Like, I'm not capable of doing something on my own. I need somebody to make sure that I survive. She's like a baby's day out philosophy.

Okay. Okay. So they decide. You know who we should send to the truth booth? I literally shouted at the television. I was so fucking angry. They had the option to figure out if Melanie and Tyler were a match. Something they didn't know.

But something that Tyler was like trying to sell them so hard. Maybe Devin and Rashida are a match we don't know maybe we should figure that out that would have been cool to know you know who we should send we should send zach and kayla who are definitely mathematically oh my god oh my god it's unbelievable you know what i will say though this is their final truth booth and they did it they fuck they're consistent if anything and that they're fuck-ups because they they wasted their final booth of truth you know what i will say though what it gave them some confidence so much in your comments they're a perfect match hey everybody like stands up cheering like here

we go we can turn it around now yeah you could have fucking definitely turned around if you'd done one of the other two and then there's a one in two chance that you would have had three matches definitely going into this oh fuck it made me angry wow wowzers bowsers did i get upset at this television show yeah uh so at this point kiki is really trying to work alec like we're we're a couple you know like this makes so much sense alec is like oh maybe um but it's alex putting moves on amanda now that mike's gone yeah so he's got like this like he's torn between alec has always had this real like paternal thing with amanda of like you deserve better i can take care of you you need somebody like amanda says like it's true like i date assholes um and alex a nice dude so like

maybe i should like pivot so then devon brings those cups out again and now we're into that fucking like oh we get into the numbers and the possibility. They come up with two scenarios. Both involve Tyler and Alec. Yes. So one is Tyler and... Cheyenne. Cheyenne and Alec and Amanda. Situation two is Alec and Kiki

and Tyler and Melanie. So again, if you put Tyler and Melanie into the fucking truth booth, or if you would put Devin and Rasheed, well, that wouldn't help, but if you put Tyler and Melanie into the truth booth together, you wouldn't be doing this together. You would know which one is the right one. You fucking idiots. And then, and maybe it didn't really go down this way, but now they're trying to decide between two scenarios. Kiki's like, it's me and Alec. It's me and Alec. And Alec is like, no, is like no it ain't no it ain't no hunter is like let's do the

inaugural coin flip which like what inaugural like he does he's like let's do let's no i know i know he said it but it's like they're probably not gonna do this again you fuck yeah i don't think he knows what inaugural nobody else is ever gonna come down to this point i think he thinks inaugural means like important uh i mean it is and so everybody's like are we really doing this is this really how we're doing it all the women and mostly kiki are the ones saying are we really doing this and all the dudes like yeah coin flip and then we get the most dubstep ass coin flip in the history of yeah like up in the air falls to the carpet it's scenario one with tyler and cheyenne alec and amanda and kiki's like fuck this you idiot kiki's bum because

that means she's with mike and tyler's bum because because he really likes Mel. Yeah. But he's with Cheyenne, who he picked as his match like three weeks ago. So like, what is it, dude? Okay. This is when Austin is talking to Tyler, and Tyler's like, maybe I'll pick Mel anyway. And Austin is like, Tyler's just riding that ERC. That emotional rollercoaster. Emotional rollercoaster. Let's say that to each other like five times right now

so we remember to say it because that's going to be a useful phrase in this podcast. I know, yeah. I'm on the ERC right now just looking at you and I think about all the wonderful memories we have together. You know, I would really love to go out tonight but man, I'm on that ERC about Grey's Anatomy

and I don't think I should leave the house. Watching these 20 goobers waste six of their ten weeks essentially Grey's Anatomy and I don't think I should leave the house. Watching these 20 goobers waste six of their ten weeks, essentially, before doing any conversations with each other or like statistical conversations got me on that ERC

to Angerville. Mm-hmm. Okay, so at the matchup. The final match. Zach gets to join Kayla over in the winner's circle. That's two.

That's two guaranteed beans. So, yeah. So, we know it's Chelsea and Connor, Zach and Kayla. Austin. I called both of those. Austin uses what he has coined as heart-a-gee. This is right after he said ERC. So, Austin, he is an entrepreneur yeah sure uh which

is a combination of heart and strategy to choose brit um and he also mentions is he the one that reveals to ryan devlin that this whole fucking thing came together on a coin flip i think that might have been hunter yeah somebody reveals it is on a coin flip and connor in the winner's circle says uh are you guys fucking kidding me um and this is okay now i'm gonna read these out loud and you can react to them okay um i'll give my like gut check like what i think austin chooses brit any precedent there i didn't get well i didn't get any precedent with austin with anybody so like whatever hunter chooses hannah i don't no i don't get it i mean hunter's like sweet country man hannah is sweet but like a complicated lady we should point out like i'm saying i don't get it

all i have to base that on is the fucking things that they did in in this house that they filmed and then put on this television show for me to watch. So if the two of them never discussed anything, like, of course, I'm not going to like, yeah, have any feelings. But you know, both of them pretty well by now. I just didn't. If you were like friends with both of them, would you set them up together?

The two dudes that Hannah dated were Chuck and Zach. And I don't think either of those dudes are like hunter like literally at all uh devin picks rashida that i'm into i've been into that this do you remember what they what he says no do you did you write yeah he says uh he's like he's like devin and rashida big d i need a she and she needed me it's good it's i guess whatever um tyler and cheyenne which we've seen before tyler and cheyenne yeah okay they they did a commercial break here because tyler's like i don't know who i'm gonna pick yeah and they made it seem like maybe he was gonna pick mel but he doesn't sticks with the plan cheyenne alec picks amanda which is new a new thing

kiki gets upset about this yeah uh nelson picks stacy like what i don't know but every almost every week she's been with alex so again like we don't have anything else to go yeah uh chuck picks mel which we've never seen anything does she swim there can she swim like is she a swimmer if not he's gonna be heartbroken and then kiki ends up with mike and then those lights start going up we get we get like four we get like four and everybody which is the most they've ever gotten which is fucking insane up to this point they've only gotten three they get four and when they get four they celebrate pretty hard pretty hard and i'm wondering so i'm wondering if that was just like they've never gotten four before and they were psyched or if they had gone

they knew if they had gone i don't think so well no i'm thinking there has to be a point where they knew they were going to win because if they'd gone with scenario the wrong scenario they would know that they were going to lose by a significant number of beams of light you know what i mean i mean maybe but they show lots of cuts of alex saying like please god please yeah like maybe i should have gone with kiki well i mean they figured this fucking thing out with solo cups because they're not a lot of pins and papers so i imagine the margin of error is pretty big so then the lights keep coming fifth light sixth light everybody's like losing it seventh seven lights and then like nobody taught like there's no more cheering for this point on and then and then griffin turns to me and he says well if they get nine they have to get ten

there's not gonna be nine matches yeah uh and then melanie says like my heart is like good work editor nine ten victory they got a hundred percent it's it it's, I can't, I fucking. 750,000 between all these idiots. From the, from ashes to glory. The previous week, they got two fucking matches. They didn't even get their high score of three matches. They got two. Yeah.

I don't know what they did with those solo cups, but they worked it out. They flipped an American currency coin. Yeah. So there was a 50% chance that these two things that they'd made up from fucking whole cloth based on like almost nothing,

there was a 50% chance that these made-up imaginary bullshit plans would work. There was even, like, a pretty big, like, factor there that could have fucked them over for this thing that was definitely already supposed to fuck them over. And they won. It's incredible.

Like, I'm upset. Like, as soon as we're done recording this, I'm going to get on the internet and, like, get on a blog a blog and like figure out how the fuck it was all devon like devon is the one that sat everybody around this room and like solo cupped it out forever and then it ended in a coin flip so like they didn't have enough hard data they fucking could have they'd use the fucking truth booth ever but like it props man like that's pretty incredible that is actually game recognized game you said some garbage shit yeah that's fucking incredible i would never want you to come near any of my friends but i respect respect the game the way you pulled that out holy shit um

so we got on the internet to see what couples were still together because it is on mtv.com um let's go down the list we're looking at uh none of the to be fair none of the perfect matches are still together so fucking chuck had a point these matchmakers don't know anything um but chuck and britney are together um they are living together in hawaii uh as you'll recall i mean everyone knows who chuck is britney is is the one who was kind of toxic for him they kept making out anywhere and everywhere i'm like i don't know that she was more toxic well no i mean they're definitely more toxic they're the ones that like hooked up in front of hannah and hannah had like a but britney was very

much like she's the one who took her top off in the pool and he was like my mermaid yeah britney was like chuck's not the right guy for me but here we are and then the only other couple that came out of it which i was like on board with and you were like it's all physical it's hannah and zach yeah apparently hannah and zach are still together going strong they've been together since the show thanks mtv for love and money the canadian says while his gal adds we got both both. We know. We know you got both. Connor, Chelsea didn't work out. They're really good buds, but nothing more than that.

Rashida and the Big D didn't happen. Hunter, apparently his Instagram got taken down or something. None of these other ones really took off. Oh my God, apparently Devin and Kiki dated for a while after the show came to visit me in virginia i met my family and friends long distance was a major factor in our breakup but we still talked every single day up until episode seven came out and i realized how he played me the entire time he tried calling and texting me a million times telling me how horrible he felt and how sorry he was and how much he loves me as of now i can't believe anything he says oh my god she also

hasn't seen her perfect match mike they are strictly friends since the show and is still holding on to her perfect match bracelets oh kik maybe they invite her back for the next season no she can't become the fucking player of this show they do that on most reality shows where the old guard comes back yeah i guess so um melanie says she can 100 see why chuck and i are perfect matches even though things didn't work out and uh uh i'm happy we didn't try to work things out because he's happily in love with my real perfect match britney oh see there's some good friendships that came out of this show um people can look at this on the website i liked this show so much we're gonna can we please keep watching older episodes like not to talk about like we should move on to a new show in our free time we should yes um but fuck i want to watch more of this show because i want to see what it's

like when like people play it good i was wondering like is there a season where people genuinely try and find a relationship or is it always just like season one there's somebody who's like married with kids it's like it works this process works trust the process go with your heart i've been ryan devlin a lot of people are tweeting at ryan devlin trying to get him on our show um it's not really the kind of show we're running but i mean i love him i love the dude a lot um i don't know how we would get we're literally like sitting in my office right it's hot as hell we just ate a shit ton of pizza and watched like three hours of are you the one um i'm not really in like a socializing mood and i don't know what we would

ask him either i think we would just be like hey man so so what was that like like i don't know what i would want to know this show is fucking incredible maybe if he names the challenges himself i would i would like to know that i said it uh i said last week this show's great if you listen to our show and don't watch the shows we talk about, that's totally fine. But, like, you have to watch Are You the One? It's fucking exceptional. Well, if you like reality television, this is definitely a stellar example of reality television. I'm looking through the Rose Buddies group right now trying to find our hit list. Because I don't know what the fuck next show we should watch should be.

Oh, the poll. I know people wanted us to watch I Want to Marry Harry. I don't know what that is. That's the show where they get a guy that looks vaguely like Prince Harry and they convince a bunch of women to compete for him. Can we do it? Okay, but is that like a genuine dating show? Or is it like you got to love him for his goofy face not for the money um i mean

they have what they do is they like pretend to train these women to be like royalty i feel like i would find that gross like i like the day it's pretty gross i mean i watched like two episodes of it it's disgusting i don't even know i ate it up like chocolate pudding i don't even know if they finished the whole season honestly um i liked what i liked about this one was there was a lot of like dating going on there's a lot of it because in the good thing about bachelor and bachelorette is you could like hypothesize like oh these this contestant is having a connection with the only other contestant of the other sex uh uh this contestant is having a good relationship with the bachelor or bachelorette but there's only one of them this time there's fucking 10 of them so you're doing like yeah

there's a grid in your head and nobody gets eliminated like that i know i've mentioned that a lot but that is really rare and it's cool because you like get a lot of time to get to know these people i i compared to and obviously we only gave like the other shows we've talked about uh one shot but like watching these other reality shows well it's weird going through and watching the first episode of a bunch of reality shows because it really burrows in your brain like just how little information you absorb about 20 people over the course of a single hour you know i mean like i want to go back and listen to the first episode of us talking about are you the one because i bet i didn't remember fucking anybody's name

now i know i could probably list off all their names like one by one because i know all their names because they all stuck around anyway um beauty and the geek is another option which i've never seen it sounds hateful married atried at First Sight sounds real nice. Yeah. Again, we would have to find the location of these shows. I don't want to commit to anything yet. We need to see what we can find. This is a great reason for you to get on the Rosebuddies Facebook group.

We'll announce there what we're going to do for the next episode. But yeah, thank you for joining us. Thank you for actually indulging us in this three-episode deep dive into Are You the One? Because we fucking needed a break from... But yeah, thank you for joining us. Thank you for actually indulging us in this three-episode deep dive into RU1. Because we fucking needed a break from... We've done six episodes now since... Isn't that crazy? We've done six.

It's been six weeks since The Bachelor went off the air. Wow. And half of those episodes have been about RU1, which is fucking great. But yeah, thank you all for listening. Thank you for sharing the show with your friends that you think like reality television. Thank you for reviewing us on iTunes. I personally love it.

Anytime anyone talks about how great our chemistry is, it feels like it validates our whole relationship. That's what Rachel's been waiting on. I'm like, thank you stranger. Now I feel like I made the right choice. Excellent. Great.

Uh, we need that. You are our truth booth. Uh, yeah, we'll let you know what the next show is going to be stay tuned join the rose buddies group i'm griffin mcelroy i'm rachel mcelroy when you're ready stay with us on this journey of joy spoiler alert she ends up with soldier boy