Wonderful! - Roze Buddiez: Paradise Hotel 2

Episode Date: March 29, 2016

Wowie zowie, what a bad television show. We are sorry that we keep doing this to you. Bachelor, please. Bachelor, we are begging you. Come home, Bachelor. MaxFunDrive ends on March 29, 2024! Support our show now by becoming a member at maximumfun.org/join.

Maybe, maybe you should go and do some contemplating. Right reason, right reason, being a good girl for all the right reasons. Right reason, right reason, being a good girl for all the right reasons. I'm the best you've read and I'm rapping to your poolside. Here to find true love, one man, one soul. Hi, this is Rachel McElroy. Don't it always seem to go that you don't know what you've got? I started on too high an octave.

Sure. Don't it always seem to go that you don't know what you've got? Till it's gone. Paradise. Oh. I see what you did there. See, I started with the Joni Mitchell version. And it's too high for my admittedly wide register.

So I dropped it down to the counting crows version do you want to introduce yourself i'm griffin mcroy this is rose buddies i did that musical interlude because now two weeks removed from what i can now safely call the greatest television franchise oh my goodness i miss the bachelor so bad me too i'll never bachelor i promise bachelor bachelor come back early i'll never say another bad thing about like i don't care how like racist and sexist and repugnant you get sometimes i'll never say another bad word about you if you please god just please please god come home please god please god uh so we're talking this week about paradise hotel 2 it feels like paradise hotel 2 just cut off

the bachelor's like pinky toe and mailed it to us in a letter that is how yes fronted that is exactly that is exactly it paradise hotel 2 i'm sorry like we're sorry we thought didn't know what it we knew literally nothing about it i i said last week we needed a break from the blank of love milieu and shit homie i'm not sure that this was an upward this was to use football terminology which i know you love this was a lateral yeah i uh i thought it looked fun i thought it looked a lot like bachelor in paradise slash bachelor pad which is a fun summer treat and it is it is bachelor in paradise and we'll get to that later there's a few twists and turns but yeah bachelor in paradise uh borrowed heavily from this format yeah and i don't know maybe this

maybe this borrowed from something else too but the similarities were stark um so this is a this is a fox show and you were talking about how this is in the history of of other fox shows so it's not a fox show it is a fox reality show it had its own network of yeah see i don't think i had cable when that was going on i didn't either i didn't either i just know about my what might be my favorite reality show ever, which was Solitary, which was brilliant. It was a show in which nine people were locked in solitary confinement in a big octagonal chamber, and they were in there for a month, and they would do tests, elimination tests, and they were tests of your-

Torture. It was basically torture. Well, kind of like they were tests of your mental and physical endurance, but they were not like walk on hot coals. It was like, put a ball gag in your mouth and then like your jaw will get like sore and tired.

And so people will like, after four hours. Okay. Yeah. Okay. But you get like a hundred K for winning. So whatever. The brilliant thing about the show is you in those endurance

tests they don't tell you when people quit yeah so somebody might do it for like 45 minutes and be like i'm king shit or fuck mountain i definitely outlasted everybody it's like nope you're first and then somebody keeps going for like 10 hours yeah not realizing they could have quit at 46 minutes it's a great i you we've pointed out the grossest things about it it's actually a genius genius show it's by the same uh it was on the same network uh only the only difference one slight difference between uh solitary and paradise hotel 2 is that uh paradise hotel 2 is you know how in the ocean they have those naturally occurring islands of garbage where garbage just kind of gravitationally comes together that's what paradise hotel 2 was and i I assume Paradise Hotel 1.

Yeah. So, and I know that a lot of you have actually watched this because I put it in the Facebook group and it started a rowdy discussion about not just this first episode, which is all we committed to watching, but several episodes after. We had a moment early on in the episode, and I'm sure that many of our listeners had the same moment. And I can't imagine who it was more horrifying for, us or them, when about three minutes into it, you wonder, is this a pornography? And then you wonder, did I just tell our millions of listeners to watch pornography? Or they thought, I trusted Griffin and Rachel, they made me watch a pornography.

And a bad one it's like it's like if somebody tried to cut like this quote unquote sexy clips from big brother where you see like sheets rustling in a gray scale night vision camera uh to porn music and then it's like try just try to jerk off to this so griffin what does good pornography look like then i mean i imagine more than just blankets moving like there could be a ghost under there they could have one of those fucking robe uh like uh weasel balls that you could they had a cracker yeah yeah yeah just put a couple under those under a blanket and it's like that is big brother pornography that's what they are going for here this show is fucking filth uh so it starts out with 11 guests

and we're the told as the viewer that their goal is to stay as long as they can. So it's not about finding love, per se. No, and there's no, much like Bachelor in Paradise, another great thing that this show also has is no prize. No discernible prize, as far as we can tell. Yeah, although there is a suggestion that there's one. There's this sense of like, oh, but winning this would be worth so much more. I don't know what that means yeah i don't either maybe if we had seen the first season maybe the first season they surprised them

with a million dollars at the end probably not that probably no no but probably like 100 bucks we said that about bachelor in paradise too though and all they got was a human prize uh and so then we're told that every few days someone must check out so that someone new can check in life day renew renew and we're starting with six women and five men so the uh there's a woman on the chocolate bean block yeah all right let's talk let's talk about bachelor in paradise very very quickly okay bachelor in paradise will be after the bachelorette it'll be the next thing it is a summer summer treat. Probably start in like August. It starts late summer.

We've talked a little bit about it. It is the sort of conceptual replacement for Bachelor Pad, which was more of a like, kind of like more of a real world road rules challenge type thing where they actually did like fucking survivor games. You could win immunity and shit like that. Bachelor in Paradise, there is one rule and it is get a rose. fucking survivor games and you could win immunity and shit like that. Bachelor in Paradise,

there is one rule and it is get, get a rose. There's a rose ceremony at the end, except, uh, in with each week, um, either the men have a majority or the women have a majority,

usually by two. So there's two more men than women. And then all the women will give the men roses and the two who don't get roses are gone. And then they add two women. So then the men are in power. They give roses to the women and so on and so forth um you don't get a smaller pool of people right you you because you replace the people who go home every week yeah what you get is at the end chris harrison says if you're not going to take this seriously and you don't think there's a future for this relationship you gots to bounce um which people do every season which doesn't make sense to me like i would be like this isn't always paid

free drink free food like baller like mexican vacation it's that code of conduct man like the whole bachelor franchise i guess you don't want to get burned is built on a code of conduct which is why that one season of bachelor pad was just so disgusting to so many people i think correct me if i'm wrong no i'm not wrong two two marriages have come out of bachelor in paradise yeah two or four four people have gotten married in two discreet lacy lacy and marcus and jade and tanner tanner that's one marriage per season the the hit rate is a thousand yeah compared to the what like five that have come out of the the core series yeah i'm i think it is a better formula i mean certainly you're meeting more people like law of large numbers yeah well and you get to spend kind of all day every day

with them yes um so that show that is that is like the main tension point you get dates the new people who show up get dates and so they can use that to like try and woo people away maybe um but really what you get is for the two seasons that it's run is like the early couples usually stick together pretty tight um you know what i miss about bachelor pad is that bachelor pad had more group activities there were more like everybody plays in this challenge with their partner yeah um they don't do that in bachelor paradise it's more solo dates well bachelor pad also had a it had a fucking escape route it had an ending it had an exit strategy and it was the best ending for like any reality show yeah and bachelor in paradise doesn't unless like people

get married which has happened 100 of the time um anyway that is bachelor in paradise the the similarities here are like i said like they're they're very clear you have more of men more men than women and then more women than men the next time uh people who get sent home get replaced i don't know how the shit develops and i fucking never will because over my dead body while i watch paradise hotel season two yeah yeah and and they actually and i see at first i was looking in the facebook group and i couldn't figure out why people watch more than one episode um but then i realized they do the old cliffhanger i think they were trying to see a nipple oh well i mean yeah probably i i mean you see you see some butts you see a naked butt from a man this one and almost a a centimeter of shaft he like rearranges the towel and as the towel moves

around him in a circle like the camera cuts front to back just to make sure you don't get the shaft but if you look close enough if you freeze frame that that. The most TiVo moment of 2004. I don't think there was TiVo back then. So the contestants look a lot like. Porn stars. Yeah. Do you want to use this opportunity to talk about the music? It's porn music.

Not like the traditional. That was really very good. I can't figure out how you know so much about pornography. From books. Okay. There's a book about pornography, and it's really good, because it phonetically pronunciates how the music sounds. That's nice. So they would write that down, like...

How do you spell that noise? It's like B that that noise b-w-o-o-o and then like k-a-k okay all right um it looks like basically the book is saying the words cack and cock over and over again anyway um don't kind of make me sound like some sort of podcast you like that theme song a lot, though. You were real excited about that theme song. Yeah, it's because the rest of the music was like, it was, okay, by porn, by porn music, I want to elaborate. I mean free music.

I mean music that the creators and editors and producers of the show like. That's a very good point. What can we get for, how much money do you have on you? Four dollars. All right, let me get online and buy a song for four dollars. Yeah. How much money do you have on you? $4.

All right, let me get online and buy a song for $4. Yeah. The theme song, though, is like, it's like, has words, which is an impressive start for the show. The words reference how lucky everyone is to be in paradise, remains to be seen. It's a beautiful melody. It's a beautiful melody. Where are they, like, geographically? Not explained. My theory, do you want to know my theory? Yes. They're in Where are they, like, geographically? Not explained.

My theory, do you want to know my theory? Yes. They're in the Bachelor Mansion. No, it doesn't look anything like the Bachelor. No, listen, please, please, please, let me explain. Okay. I think they've got one mansion. I think the Bachelor owns it, and they rent it out to the smaller shows.

Okay? All right. And that's how they subsidize some of the helicopter costs some of the hot tub water costs um that's that's how they subsidize a lot of stuff is they help with the production budgets of other shows and i think they actually give them a pretty pretty fair fair deal right um and then like bachelor or or uh paradise hotel 2 comes in property brothers Paradise Hotel 2 comes in. Property Brothers does like a rehab.

Well, no, I think they just fucking hose it off. No, the house looks so different. It's a good hosing. So much cruft. Oh, God. So much cruft builds up under and on the wallpaper in those places. And then they just pressure wash it and it's a whole new house. The quote cruft, is that what you said? Yeah.

The cruft after Paradise Hotel 2 must have been pretty thick. Oh, my God, yes. There were loaves of bread shaking on the wall in the hot, unforgiving Paradise sun. Oh. It was... So, all right, so we meet all the contestants. Just we get their name, their age, where they're from. And then I think there's a suggestion of what they do.

I can remember Mike. There's a Mike, right? There is a Mike. There is a... That's it. All right. Chelsea? Yes, there's definitely a Chelsea.

Okay, that's it. I got two of 11. Sorry, maybe name yourself after produce with g in it like maybe name yourself like and part of it too is that and picasso and i'll be like able to lock your shit down the particular the particular youtube video we were watching uh had swedish subtitles so that covered up so we're fucking some of the names. We're IP criminals now, too. Rachel just incriminated us in court.

So after all the contestants are introduced, they are all handed drinks. And then, well, I should mention that the women come in and then the bros enter separate. These fucking bros. They are the bro-iest bros. It's like they just saw... We need to check when this came out, because it's like they just saw fucking wedding crashers yesterday. Yeah. And we're all like, one of them said, like, my radar is going off.

There must be some females nearby. Hey, dude, no. Oh, yeah, dude, she is like, ready to go somebody said yeah yeah no they're all wearing like a like button-down shirts and i feel like there were some or many that came in with necklaces pre-fastened this must have been like when like the fucking pickup artist first like did did the thing and dudes like shitty dudes worldwide were like, oh, so I'm supposed to, like, be a fucking weirdo weasel and be, like,

aggressive and weird and shitty to people. And that's, like, that's what gets their noodles going. Ooh. This episode is sponsored by Kraft. Kraft macaroni and cheese. Thank you, Kraft. My favorite thing about the bro entrance was the Ryan James rivalry that was created.

Instantly. They had similar length blonde hair. Well, it's brown hair with like blonde guy lights up in it. Yeah. Who came in first? Because one of them came in with like this beautiful head beautiful head of, like, wonderful surfer hair. That was, I'd kill for that hair. I think it was, well.

And the other one came in with, like, similar hair, but not as, like, soft and flowing. And he's like, who, we got this? I think James came in first. Okay. And Ryan came in second. And Ryan was like, well, it looks like you got the same hair. You don't, because his is like. Or maybe it was the other way around.

I honestly. Who gives a fuck? We'll never see, we'll never that's true that's true uh and then so the men meet the women the women female the women all walk up and the men like they their tongues drop out of their mouths their eyes pop out of their heads their steam out of the ears it's it's a big big moment and we get to witness falls on one of their heads yeah somebody starts to run off a cliff and doesn't fall until they look down michael jordan dunks from half court um so we get to witness some of the conversations and the one i wrote is that what we're calling them when they they're talking to each other. I mean, what did you call them? Mouth fights.

I don't know. It was rough. The point I made while watching it, because it's the whole fucking show, is in Bachelor in Paradise, by, like, the end of episode one, they're like, okay, so here's the couples. These are the people that have coupled off. Like, the establishment of a relationship on that show is usually, like, two behind the scenes camera like i like brian i think he's got a nice smile and it seems like somebody who would be like good to hang out with while i'm here i'm really excited about it and then that's it they're married they're fucking married that's it yeah you get this that you get the sausage in a little plastic package and you can cut it open and put it right

on the barbecue here they like want to show you how the sausage gets made which is not only unappetizing it's fucking boring watching sausage yeah so let me give you an example so the conversation i wrote down was between mike and chelsea and chelsea literally asked mike what his sign is uh and then they are a cancer and Scorpio, respectively. And then we get to hear about the different characteristics of each of those astrological signs with a lot of references to lovemaking. Yeah, like, oh, it's Scorpion.

What's Cancer? Some sort of fish? Did you say Scorpion? No, that's what I'm saying. Those are the signs. I think that's how they figure that shit out. Cancer is a fish or a crab? It's a crab. Yeah, that sounds right. Anyway, baby, we both what I'm saying. Like, those are the signs. I think that's how they, like, figure that shit out. Cancer is a fish or a crab? It's a crab. Yeah, that sounds right.

Anyway, baby, we both got chitin. Let's get on this. Let's get on this. And then we get to see Rahim and Ryan sit aside and dish on all the women. This is a common theme in the show, is they get two contestants together, and they rate all of the people of the opposite sex. That's what I said. One of the women was, quote unquote, ready to go.

Yeah. I think because she was wearing a red dress. Yes. No. I know. They were like, she knows what she's doing. She's wearing a red dress. You know what she knows?

Are you guys fucking like bulls? Are you single cell organisms? Like, that red dress is going to reflect just the right amount of light I need to conduct my photosynthesis on her. Wonderful. Most of these people are like age 22 to 26 or so. Months. Months old. They're working on object permits.

They have favorite color, which is red. And they just know they want to be around that because it makes them feel safe. And this is when the host with no name enters amanda it is we know at the end from the closing credits that her name is amanda bynum but at no point i don't think a pen name does she introduce herself it could be a pen name let's not like who's the who's the director who like every time he made a shitty movie he would use it oh that's not so uncommon to practice i think she's like what do you want to go by this time because my name is actually susan but i think i'll go by amanda good host yeah she just introduces the thing that's about to happen and this time she she reiterates there's six women, there's five men, the odd girl out will have to, quote, try extra, extra hard to be able to stick around.

So here's how it works. Are we at the point where we can explain it? Yeah. There's six women and five men. And keep in mind that those numbers switch every week. So this week it was six women and five men. It took me all to understand this.

The six women, one at a time, I don't know how they establish the order, but it's important, will go up to a man and stand next to them and claim them, essentially. So, despite the fact that the men have the fewer numbers in Bachelor in Paradise, the people with the

team with the fewer numbers gives out the roses to the other team. Yeah, and the way this is staged is, at least this week, the five men... Some goofy farmer in the Dell shit. The five men sat in chairs, and then the women, one by one, were instructed to go stand by the man and put their hand on his shoulder. At least that's what they all did which they would do after doing like a county fair blue ribbon dance slow motion boy slalom as they moved around them there's a lot of like lingering like is it james no it's not james is it mike well i was like bad at it and just like sort of bounced back and forth between two dudes like she was doing the electric slide um it sucks so so the the women the majority group uh picks

and you hear that and i thought like well this the woman who goes last is gonna be fucked right because like you're not gonna pick a guy who already has a woman because if when when two women are with one person one man which is how it inevitably has to work out every week. Maybe they do three and some do get zero. I don't know. When you're in that position, the man picks between the two and the one who doesn't get picked doesn't have a quote-unquote roommate that week and has to try and fight her way into another couple.

It seems silly because the woman who goes last is inevitably going to be in a two. Well, but I think as the weeks go on, I think the last woman or man would potentially be like, oh, you know what? Like, like Ryan and I spent a lot of the time together. I bet he'd pick me over her. Right. Yeah. I guess that plays into it. The only thing I could figure out is the women.

thing i could figure out is the women if you just pick a guy because he's free and you don't pick a guy you think you have a connection with that you like we're gonna fight for that guy might not feel as um beholden to you if the free agent woman yeah is like hey you should team up with me instead of her yeah um i'm saying team up as if there's like a fucking game like my my catch rating is higher than hers like i have a higher strength level no it's just like well it's roommate i mean that's the thing that's weird about this show is that you are picking quote a roommate for the night um so there's a little bit of gamesmanship to it but the drafting part of it just seems like fucking weird. I think it's interesting to think, like, not only do you have to be aware of your connection, but you have to be aware of everybody's connection. Yeah. Because if you have to go up against, you know, like, Tanya, then you have to think, well, who...

Tanya, who was the free agent this week, and, like, I felt so bad for her because she was, like... Like, who did Tanya pick? bad for because she was like like who did tanya pick okay well let me figure out whether i have better odds than tanya based on what i know about tanya and who she picked and who he likes and yeah but anyway tanya had to be like extra hyper hyper flirtatious this way it's like that's kind of a i mean the whole fucking thing is gross but to artificially like juice like how how how flirty you gotta be in order to stay alive. Well, fuck it. That's the whole fucking show.

Where do I draw the line with that? So we skipped a bunch of stuff. Okay, sorry. Which is okay. The only other thing the host tells us... This show doesn't deserve a cogent conversation. The host tells us that rules can change at any time, but hang in there for the prize at the end.

There is no explicit explanation of what the prize is. It's a Sega Dreamcast with a copy of Sonic Adventure. It's an exclusive vacation with Tom Green. Um, so after our, so after the host comes out, then then we we go to the women getting ready and their swimsuits and their hair and their makeup and then they all come out they all do shots um this is when mike starts talking about his ability to dance and how rhythm on the dance floor is suggestive of prowess uh and then we see the prowess like in dancing yes and then you meant in sex let's unpack that you can't just vault over a zinger like that are you excuse me sir are you saying

like i know how to fox trot so i know how to fucks trot that wasn't anything but like yes one two three one two like what are you doing up there? One, two, three, one, two. Stop doing it in trip. You're boning me in three, four times. It's crazy. The syncopation. I can do six, eight.

One, two, three, four, five, six. One, two, three, four. Whoa! No! No! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! whoa no no whoa whoa um uh and then we see all the dudes standing around talking and they they come up with this original phrase that i had never heard before called sharing is caring

i don't know if you're familiar um i mean only in the sense of like if you're on a playground and someone wants to play four square give him a give him a shot is that what that oh yeah no that's kind of so in this sense their four square is they never want to have people in the same squares week to week uh they want to have everybody have a chance to have every square basically there's the suggestion that they're never going to be loyal and that they're just going to take turns with the women every week. All right, all right, all right, all right.

Yeah, it's pretty gross. Pretty gross. This is the worst fuck. Again, I guess, let's just every time we feel the spirit move us, just apologize to the listeners. Yes, we should. We should.

This process of watching other shows. It is imperfect, but at the same time, I like knowing there's a support group of people out there who are there for me to help me get past this thing i made them do yeah exactly like i'm glad like i you don't have to do this alone master frodo like i'm fucking like i'm in a raw emotional state right now and I like knowing that there's a community of millions out there just willing to embrace me and get me through it um all right so then they all have dinner and they're at like tables of like five people and um you can see the producers starting to set some stuff up like Tanya and Chelsea both talk to the camera so

they're interested in the same guys they see each other as a threat uh mike gives us a little strategy and says everybody here is a threat uh and then lauren and rahim are talking and rahim kind of gets called out on all of his flirtation and he's like you know it's, I just met you women, you know, it's not like we knew each other. And they were trying to get him to get specific about like, oh, well, there's not one woman that you're more physically attracted to. And he said, oh, it's physical with every single one of you. It's an interesting strategy, because the idea is you want to stay the longest. So you want everybody to like you. But he is just he's not being subtle in his approach.

Also, it's not a great thing to say. I would have sex with you guys are all equally have sexable withable in my mind. I was on some Shel Silverstein shit there for a second. Sex withable? Sexable withable. Sexable withable. Sexable withable man. It's more and more Seuss, I think, than...

All right. Okay, and then this is where the host comes out, and the women do the do-si-do around the men in the chairs. Yeah, which we described. Yeah, and so the one thing i noticed so at this point they've all been drinking all day and this is when ryan who is james counterpart starts to look real rough i don't know if you noticed blonde ryan he he kind of had transformed into this he grew like a nine o'clock shadow. Yeah. And this is when his strategy of being kind of aloof, you realize like it's really working. But anyway, so Lauren picks Ryan, Chelsea picks Jane.

You know, I'm telling you these names, you don't know who these people are. else he picks james i'm you know i'm telling you these names you don't know who these people are the blonde one picked the brown hair one and the red dress picked the small man the one thing it reminded me a little of heads up seven up because the women as they're walking the men are looking straight ahead and they're not making eye contact because they don't want to reveal that they care either way they don't want to look desperate so there's just like stone face as the women kind of dance around them and pick um but yeah and this is where tanya goes last and she tries to stand next to james who's already been picked the host is like sorry tanya i don't envy you why'd you make her fucking go last she's gonna be whatever oh and before they um they had to pick from already chosen men rahim

was chosen last and the host called him billy no mate is that a thing no it's not a thing he was really upset about that because the guys were talking about him later and he was like you know i can't believe she called me that well the woman who picked him was like the people like i can't believe you picked rahim and she was like it was the last I can't believe she called me that. Well, the woman who picked him was like, the people were like, I can't believe you picked Rahim. And she was like, it was the last one left, which is like, drives home my theory. Like, nobody's like, oh, I'm going to fight for him because I love him. No, no. And so when James is faced with the two women,

the host says, quote, will you please look at both of them in the eye and tell them what you think of them? And he's like, squish your heads real close together. Which I thought was a little unnecessary. Trying to make this thing work, yeah. Like, instead of just saying, like, choose the woman you don't want to select,

be like, tell them both what you think of them. So, Tanya does not get selected. No. She is now the lone... Although he did say that he, quote, dug her SoCal style. Jesus no! He's like

Tanya, I really dig your SoCal style. No, I'm sorry stop the show. I gotta find out when this show was made. Because that was like they must have, like 311 must have like just been the zeitgeist. Some fun facts about Paradise Hotel that I learned

when researching it earlier there are 9 different international versions of Paradise Hotel despite the fact that the OG Paradise Hotel had a humongous 2 seasons a few enough number of seasons that every person who's ever on the show

is is listed in the sidebar of theme music composer eddie money that explains actually a whole lot oh wow okay uh season two was 2008 2008 no uh oh shit you... There's a $200,000 prize. Oh. See, that must have been made clear in the first season, and we just didn't know. Yeah, I guess not. That's a good chunk of change. It sounds like he gets to split it, somebody. Oh, the winners are people we didn't even get to see.

Interesting. Okay. Anyway, we just spoiled the show for ourselves. Whatever. We're not going to watch it anymore. I can't spoil windsurfing for myself because I'm never going to fucking do it. Okay, speaking of SoCal style,

the way that the women are selected, so on the Bachelor's franchise, it's all roses. Paradise Hotel 2, the men are given two necklaces, one for them to wear and one to give their woman. Their puka shell neck, like, I wanted to bark. Yeah, it was really, really gross, so. 2008. That was eight years ago, guys, which sounds like a lot. But I think if you watched this show in 2008, even then, you would have been like, puka shells?

Really, guys? 2008, Barack Obama became president. Billabong was outlawed across the country. And yet somehow this show also debuted. Got bonged out. Did you ever shop at Billabong? Is that after your time? No, this store existed.

No, I know, but did you shop at Billabong? I personally didn't, but I didn't have your SoCal style. No, I went in it with all my SoCal style, and even then I was like, I'm too old for this shit. Well, it's just like surfwear, right? It's surfwear for surfers. And so they had that in Huntington, West Virginia? Yeah.

A lot of surfing out there? Surfing that slurry. Yeah. Get on that wave of slurry. When a mountain collapses. Oh. Well, no, no they dug it out they did horrible atrocities to the environment when it collapses a big wave of slurry we call that hanging dirt we call that surfing dirt well let me think of a funnier thing to say all right take your time we call that right riding the slime we call that dirt scooting that's better i like that better we call that slurry in a hurry oh perfect i called it the ruination of the state's

fucking natural beauty and natural resources do something stand up fight it matawan i think that's what happened i forget what happened to matawan but um i don't know what you're referencing now oh you didn't grow up in west virginia did you because then you'd know to reference matawan about something vaguely mining related but you're not sure what and maybe you're wrong about it and maybe you'll edit this out of the podcast okay i'm so fucking proud of my heritage. I got that Jennifer Garner blood running through my veins. I might bring up, that's a weird thing to say, actually, now that I think about it.

I might bring up that I am from St. Louis, Missouri. Okay. The home to Scott Bakula. Okay, great. The home to Jon Hamm. What's the state burden? Uh-oh, Piscatillos. Is that...

Alright. I mean... I'm just saying I love my state more than you love your state. We can keep talking about this. I don't know. What's your state animal? There's like a bear on the Missouri flag. Do you know which type of bear? Brown.

Brown. Alright. Okay, so just as a reminder, these couples that have formed, they are going to spend the night together. They are roommates. Like, that is established. When you choose your mate, you are choosing your roommate. But, in order to lighten the mood a little they have an underwear party dang this one woman i don't even notice who it was this one woman they're all standing in the

room having drinks and this one woman yells underwear party and then they all immediately strip down well no because it's that one dude says do you remember that scene in the room where the couple, like, comes out of nowhere and she gives him the old how do you do? What, when they're alone in the apartment? Yeah, or in the room. And later he's telling the story and he's like, and I left me underwears. Yeah, yeah. And with this delivery that this dude gave, it was like, what if we all got down to our underpants? And everybody was like, yeah, let Yeah, yeah. This delivery that this dude gave was like, what if we all got down to our underpants? And everybody was like, yeah, let's go with this cool guy's cool suggestion.

Yeah. He delivered it so confidently. So there is dancing in underwear. We are notified that Krista gets drunk. Krista is a 22- old virgin yes which like i don't get i don't care i don't care but the delivery of this information which we've seen it a few times now in the bachelor franchise like the delivery of this information was the weirdest like hi i'm krista i'm 22 i'm a virgin and i know what that means, but hey, whatever. It was literally that flank.

Like, hi, I'm great. It was like she was listing off a series of traits on the MTV show Next. It would be like, my name's Dylan. I love to throw the Frisbee. I love my mom's spaghetti. And one time I killed a cat accidentally. Next was an entertaining show by the way i was trying to decide should we watch a show like next or eliminate or uh blind date uh i think that's up to the viewers i don't want to pick the fuck

i also don't know where we would get those shows i don't either i don't want to pick the shit anymore i don't i don't i don't i don't you know what okay just to bring up so people have been suggesting are you the one it It is on the MTV website. Okay, let's do it. And I've heard that that's actually an entertaining show. I've heard good things about that show. Which is better than the none things I heard about Paradise Hotel 2. Okay, so then all of the couples go to their bedrooms. We get a little night vision camera.

And then we watch all of them do this dance of, camera and then we watch all of them do this dance of are we going to visibly have sex on television on our first night here nobody does it nobody does the damn thing from what we can tell yeah no there's all these kind of like there's a lot of that big brother shit i'm telling there's an audience of people out there who like to them the um the most amount of like salacious material that they can consume and not feel terrible about it is some fucking 2x2 pixels grayscale night vision camera raccoon eyes

peeking out from under a duvet and maybe the duvet is moving a little bit. I will say that I really loved a woman who I think was named Tadisha. Explicitly came from the underwear party, got into the room with Rahim and was like, I'm gonna go put

my pajamas on. Which I love because he was like, oh no! And he was literally like, please! Please! Please! Like, I'll stay on my side of the bed and I promise, just don't put those pajamas on. Please, God. It was uncomfy.

There was one dude who slept on the floor. It was. It was like, alright. It was, especially, yeah, Nathan slept on the floor. He was the Air Force guy that was picked specifically because he appeared to be a gentleman, which, for all intents and purposes, seems like he is. Yeah, I mean, comparatively. But, yeah, then do you want to

talk about what rahim just yelled out loud at a certain point in the night he yelled like i need to get pussy yeah he's like maybe i'll just go next door maybe let's go next door i guess it's talking about uh tanya who was not who then they cut to tanya who was like writhing in bed. In bed by herself saying, I want to have sex. I just want sex. Yeah. And. I mean, they were all pretty inebriated, but man. Wowzers.

Bowser's. That's like a weird jump up from blanket rustling to like somebody actually say, I'm sorry to say that word. I'm sorry to say that word. I'm not saying it proudly. In fact, I won't say it this second time. The P for him to be like i just want p yeah that's a fun that's a fun nice nice edit um and then to cut to a woman who was like in this position of like it was a weird edit it was a terrible thing to say like well if you're not gonna give me sex i know then i'll go to the solo member of the game yeah the person who has been exiled yeah yes um can we talk about how like dangerous that whole environment oh exceedingly like let's put these women in these room with these men and i mean we'll have cameras on but these complete drunk strangers who are all bigger than them

yeah no it's bad with this overt like your roommates your or your quote bed buddies as tanya said like the expectation is you're gonna put out so good luck it's like that's terrifying really rough like it was really awkward and uncomfortable, which is, I guess, better than, like, it being, like, dangerous and bad. Yeah. No, it was a fucking rough idea for a show. Yeah. I don't know if they get little antechambers that they can go, like, sleep in and, like, I don't know. Yeah, like, what's their exit strategy?

What if they feel unsafe? Where do they go? Sleep on the couch? I don't know. It's terrible. Terrible. Terrible show. I think we've been pretty explicitly clear about how fucking horrible the show is uh so the next

morning we they show all the guys eating and the boys boys yeah the little caption underneath says boys breakfast uh which i thought was you know i need to start arranging those because they did some fucking good strategy work there uh and then all of the when the men women reunite they all are complaining about their partners there's there's kind of a suggestion of like hey i'm not really attached to my partner if you know if you want to switch things up because they're still looking you know for that commitment at this point nobody's been eliminated they're still looking for that commitment. At this point, nobody's been eliminated. They're still trying to get a firm yes. There was a weird lack of, like, you get my back, I'll get your back, let's just ride this thing out. And a lot of, like, I think I'd like to fuck a few of the people here. So, like, let's not lock each other down and get $200,000 in a few weeks.

Let's, like, just sort of keep it open and maybe I'll fuck some folks and you fuck some folks. Whatever. There is an envelope that arrives that says that there is a disco party quote above the salon. I think it's pronounced salon and it's

where they discuss. That's what I was honestly that's what I was wondering. I was like are we talking about like a hair cutting studio? Are we talking about a place where they all drink? Like a drawing room. And talk about politics. Where you can sit around and talk about politics, which we learned about from that insane season of America's Next Top Model that we fell off of with the new host. Well, I knew the word before then.

Right. But I didn't, the definition coming from this man who's the most opulent human, oh shit, we got to remember his name. The most opulent human being to ever live. Oh gosh. He was like, the salon is where you would go to discuss politics. Oh. And the happenings of today, the culture.

He was incredible. He was fucking great. I wanted to be him. What was the phrase that he introduced? Oh, it was dreckitude. Dreckitude. That's what it was. Okay, anyway.

Holy shit. Totally not related. Okay, so anyway, there is a disco party about the salon which turns it just gang spoiler alert i don't even need to watch the rest of the show to understand that all of the parties just are gonna turn into underwear yeah there were more underwear parties um boys were giving lap dances and there was some women involved i'm not really sure why. That sequence lasted a long time. Well, it wasn't just women.

It was mostly the free agent woman. Yeah. Tanya wore a very loose skirt that she could remove at any moment and reveal her underwear. Which, like, that was what... That's, like, weird. That's, like, codified. That's, like, what the game required. Like, you gotta go hard. Yeah. because you gotta break a couple up yeah it's like flavor flave if there

were like six flavor flaves and like five this is a bad comparison my baby intestines no my love uh so then then the host who has warned us things may switch at any moment the rules may change comes out says uh tanya's in this tough situation it's okay because she's safe this week and she's going to get two dates so like we're going to change the rules this is welcome to survivor we're going to change the rules there's 18 of you just kidding now there's 26 of you you think the producers were standing around watching and they they saw like if tanya participates in three or more lap dances we will let her stay uh you don't need to add additional backstage grossness to this show there's more than enough out there for all of us to see i just think the rules may change at any

time gives them the option of watching the action and then making a decision that is the most gross decision it also gives him the option to be like at the end of the season be like uh rule just changed no prize money fuck you guys um and then so there's a cliffhanger but right before the cliffhanger chelsea pulls ryan aside now as i mentioned earlier shit about any of those ryan is the one with the long blonde hair who starts to look kind of rough and plays it aloof. And so Chelsea is sitting with him. He looks exactly like the blonde guy from Party Down

whose name I can't remember, but he's fucking hysterical. And also Veronica Mars. And Veronica Mars, yes! He's so good. Shit, I wish I could remember his name. Chelsea says, I'm really attracted to you. And Ryan says, that's cool. And they have a lot of one-sided conversation. He says it a lot, yeah. I'm really attracted to you and ryan says that's cool uh and they have a lot of one-sided conversation

yeah i'm really attracted to you oh cool cool um yeah i think uh i think i could see myself like with you more than my current partner oh cool like i see myself being like physical with you yeah she like she says it like 10 times and then he's like oh all right uh let's go on a walk and chelsea's trying to be coy she's like yeah we're just walking as friends and they go make out and and we get a lot of foley work on that make out the kissing hates the sound i hate the sound of make out i don't know why i think it is it's like it's the suction and the moisture. It's awful. Sounds like you hate the whole kind of idea, the whole concept of it. I just, the noise is not what appeals to me in the act of kissing, you know?

I don't want to hear that. Yeah. I would rather hear, God, okay, so if they could replace the sound, I would rather hear. Now, when you say they, do you mean the editors or God? No. I would rather hear. When you say they, do you mean the editors or God? No, I would like if while Chelsea and Ryan were making out, I just heard like an accordion or a slide whistle. But not playing music, just like going in and out. Yeah, that's really good.

Thank you. Doing a lot of good impressions this episode because i'm in hell so that was the cliffhanger so then there's a suggestion that if we want to see this elimination ceremony we have to watch the next episode which we will not be doing let me know how it is i'm real invested no i don't want to guys we did our best we're in the wasteland. It really, I've seen some people in the Facebook group say, and it's true, it makes you appreciate The Bachelor and Bachelorette. I thought, you know, maybe I just like reality dating shows. Maybe, you know, there's just something inherently entertaining about those shows and I will

like all of them. No. No, that is not the case. That's not it. It's not it.'s not it like oh man maybe you know what i wonder it's a tricky needle to thread it's a tricky needle to thread and i don't think for all of his many faults and foibles i don't think i appreciate how hard a needle to thread the bachelor attempts every every episode because it's hard to get that

balance of like drama that doesn't feel too artificial building up to a romance that you have to at least a little bit believe in while also producing like a high quality reality television show get and all three of those things are fighting against each other, right? Like you can't, you could juice up the drama dial, but it's not going to result in like an even semi-believable romance. And as goofy as it sounds, like I really do think that's a huge component to the show's success. Well, we're also watching shows where the pretense of romance

is not anything they're working very hard on no but i'm saying it is a factor and it's a factor that works against the other factors because if there is a season that immediately the first woman out of the the limo meets the bachelor and they fall immediately in love and you're like oh they're legit in love and then that was the whole season was just about them that'd be a fucking terrible season because it'd be boring because you've got to have the drama shit and it's true like in order for them to do all that stuff have it be a good season and not be fucking gross as hell i'm not apologizing for the times that it has been gross as hell because like a lot of that

stuff is needless and actually works against what's good about the show from time to time but man it's a fucking that's a tough putt that's a tough putt. That's a tough putt. And I think watching these shows has sort of shown me I was half-joking when singing Joni Mitchell earlier. But that's a tough job. What, singing Joni Mitchell? Yeah, absolutely. She's got a high, beautiful voice. She's irreplaceable.

Do you think, here's another question I had. Do you think if we, I'm not suggesting this at all, but do you think here's another question i had do you think if we i'm not suggesting this at all but do you think there's something desensitizing about watching an entire season and that if maybe we watched an entire season we would convince ourself oh this actually is good maybe but no fuck that like i don't want to do that no i don't either i'm just saying like maybe we think the bachelor is so great because we let ourselves be manipulated through a whole season no because that show's so easy to onboard people on, too. That's true.

You saw this season. We got, like, four new people in our group who had never watched the show before who are, like, devotees now. As well as, like, hundreds of Rosebuddies fans. Yeah, I suppose so. No, it's a whole world apart. Did make me think if Fox Reality could do another season of solitary help me figure this out solitary but with a dating aspect to it there's an ai a fictional ai because it's like a

woman doing an ai voice really really well that is like the only point of contact they have the entire time while they're in isolation so they like ask this who is essentially a cybernetic dominatrix who punishes and tortures them uh but they because they they create friendships i want to is there a dating aspect to that or am i talking about like um like so some her shit right so some yeah so somebody that speaks to them while they're in there that they like grow to care about oh fuck turing test dating show where you don't know if the only person out of the thing and you're still being tortured or whatever and there's still like an elimination aspect and then at the end of

the season you have to decide whether you think the romantic partner who's been your only point of contact is an AI or a real person I'm on some shit right now, right? Yeah. No, that's really interesting. Did this technology there though? Like, it would only be, it would not be spoken word.

It would be text on a screen. Cause they have these monitors in their isolation pods. And it's like the little eyeball that represents the AI is on it. So like they could, you know, type a few things out. I mean, that could be like a challenge.

Like you could, you know, type a few things out. Interesting. I mean, that could be, like, a challenge. Like, you would get your text privileges revoked for a day, but you'd get, like, an extra food bar. Am I fucked up in the brain? I think this is, like, sickening. Yeah. I mean, not any more disgusting than Solitary was, which it wasn't that disgusting. It was an interesting social experiment. It would have to be less torture-focused that's that's the problem with solitary i had a really hard time watching people like subject themselves to actual what if it wasn't a series every episode it was different

people so it was like blind date but they didn't know if it was an ai or a person and if they pick correctly they get a cash prize but they can choose to give up the cash prize if they've found love i don't know i'm not as good at this as you no they can take they can take twenty thousand dollars and just walk away without having to make the choice or they can take fifty thousand dollars and guess which one it is but if they don't even bother to guess and they fell in love now fuck it it's gone it's gone we had it and it's gone and we had something thank you for listening to rose buddies please uh like us subscribe to us on itunes tell a friend about the show and uh join the facebook group rose buddies on facebook and um i gotta pee real bad so is there anything else what are we watching next uh are you the one it

should be available on mtv's website okay good luck good luck good luck i make again let's not stand by the quality of this one before we watch it. Yeah, no, we know nothing about it. Neither of us has seen it. We're just going to say, may the odds be ever in your favor. I'm Griffin McElroy. I'm Rachel McElroy. When you're ready. Stay with us on this journey of joy. Spoiler alert!

She is up with Soulja Boy! Right reasons! Right reasons! Right reasons! Right reasons, right reasons, we've been through all four seasons.