WTF with Marc Maron Podcast - Episode 737 - Robert Kelly

Episode Date: August 29, 2016

Robert Kelly is at the point in his comedy career where he can't help thinking about what's next. He's on the FX television show Sex&Drugs&Rock&Roll, he's touring all over the country, he has a great family, and yet he keeps wondering what happens if it all goes away. Bobby and Marc commiserate over this shared experience as well as the ups and downs of being sober comedians. Sign up here for WTF+ to get the full show archives and weekly bonus material! https://plus.acast.com/s/wtf-with-marc-maron-podcast. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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Lock the gates! Alright, let's do this how are you what the fuckers what the fuck buddies what the fucking ears what the fucksters what's happening i'm mark maron this is wtf it's my podcast welcome to it nice to have you today on the show the beautifully sensitive and filthy robert kelly robert kelly is here at i fucking love robert kelly he's uh he's on uh sex and drugs and rock and roll the season finale actually airs this thursday september 1st on fx um and uh he's a great guy so look forward to that that's happening also something interesting happens now look i get a lot of records. I get a lot of people sampling me. I get people asking if they can use pieces of the podcast for things. And usually it's cool.

It's cool with me. Do a little appropriation. Move it out into the world. If it fits your thing, do it. But this has never happened. There's a band in Asheville, North Carolina, I believe is where they're from, the Get It Right Band, and they actually wrote a song. Well, I actually wrote it, in a way.

I co-wrote a song. They wrote a song using bits and pieces of my monologues and things. They sang it and everything. I didn't sing on it or anything, but it's all my words put together by the band, the Get It Right Band, and they recorded it, and the song is called however broken it is and we're going to play it at the end of the show uh instead of me you know me playing guitar all right so that's going to happen a couple of uh things some business here personal business you have until this thursday september 1st to get my special more later for 7.99 It's available exclusively at WTFpod.com as a digital download,

and then it will be on iTunes in September for a little more dough. Go to WTFpod.com. There's a link right on the homepage under today's episode, as well as in the merch section. Also, I believe Carnegie Hall will sell out. My November 4th date in New York at Carnegie Hall, the tickets are going well. And I'm hearing from people that it's going to sell out. And it's a couple months away. So I would get tickets for that if you'd like to witness that. It might be the end of everything for me. The Carnegie Hall thing, don't know how I can follow it.

So whether it goes well or okay or great or horrendous whatever spectacle happens uh it might be it but i doubt it i i doubt i doubt it i you know i'm i'm just being dramatic and i'm trying to frame it in a way that elevates its importance even more so i can i can really be hard on myself uh as go towards that. I'm going to be running that set the 9th and the 10th of September. I'm going to be in Rochester, New York at the Comedy Club. I'm doing four shows there. I believe my father's going to be at one of them because he's out in his car with his wife driving around the country. That's what they enjoy doing. But I don't know how those tickets are selling, but if you're in the Rochester area, come down. I'm working it.

I'm doing the thing. All right? So those are the immediate ones on the horizon. What else? Oh, yes. I remember my girlfriend, my significant other, my partner, however you want to say it, Sarah Kane, the painter. She's got a big show of her new work in New York City. If you live in New York City and you like the art, you like the painting, this is a big deal, man.

She did some bold shit. The show is called Dark Matter. It has nothing to do with me. It's September 8th at Gallery LeLong. That's G-A-L-E-R-I-E Gallery LeLong. L-E-L-O-N-G-E. September 8th. Dudes and ladies and dudes, women, men, in between, whatever you are,

this show is going to be spectacular. She painted the floor, man. She painted the fucking floor. I don't, you know, it's a whole other world, but I know she was working on it. The big, giant linoleum pieces that she put together, that she painted in her studio and then shipped. So the entire floor of the Gallery Le Long

on September 8th is gonna be a painting. And then there's gonna be paintings on the wall it's going to be it's going to be fucking wild man so if you're in new york september 8th gallery long dark matter paintings by sarah kane my uh my um yeah i'm with her you know i'm saying huh you know i'm saying what Huh? You know what I'm saying? What else? What else can I tell you about? Right now, I don't do this often, but I'm going to do it now. I'm going to read a few emails or a few parts of emails because everybody seemed to love the Godfrey Shorty, as I call it. You know, Godfrey came in here to plug his Showtime special.

But people like me and Godfrey. This is from Robert, subject like me and Godfrey. This is from Robert, subject line, more Godfrey. Dear Mark Maron, I'm a big fan of your podcast and I've listened to nearly all of them. I loved listening to the Godfrey episode and enjoyed his return. I dare to say that it is my favorite episode. I think the kernel of a new podcast or television show are there. So if you ever do make Mark effortlessly shits on Godfrey's career and dreams, I guess that'd be the name of the show, let me know.

The subtle insulting barbs from you and his reactions have me rolling for all the time he has spent on your show. So thanks, Rob. And thank you, Rob, for that email. Yes, yes, me and Godfrey have a thing that we do. There is no doubt about that, and it is always funny. And then here's an interesting thing,

because another approach to the Godfrey interview from Ty, subject line Godfrey interview, I'm just going to read this section. The reason I write today is because I just listened to your interview with Godfrey. It was the funniest interview and riffing I've heard on your show yet. It made me think about the racial tension in our country right now and within the city and state that I live in, Atlanta, Georgia.

It was extremely refreshing to hear two men of different races identified, relate, and joke with each other in such a comfortable, candid, and jovial way. It is my personal opinion that you should strongly consider Godfrey's suggestion of having him on the show regularly to promote and cultivate a message of hope when it comes to the relationships that occur between people of all walks of life. During this time of tension

and uncertainty as to the future of our country, it would be a welcomed breath of fresh air. Thanks for your hard work and dedication to preserve a message of honesty and hope. That's from Ty. So, okay, I guess it's on me and Gottfried. I guess it's on our shoulders. We're going to have to figure out how to save the country just by me busting his balls. Who knew that it had that possibility? Of course it does.

Of course Gottfried and I can almost single-handedly change the course of this nation. I like the idea of that. I'm also getting a lot of emails from conservatives. And I know your first thought is like, oh, shit. Yeah, they're fucking, they're dogging you. They're not. They're not. They're not. They're not. A lot of them appreciated my relative empathy on my sort of poetic interpretation of why people vote for Trump.

That's a that's before the Roseanne Barr interview. And I've had several of these emails from conservatives basically saying, look, we're disappointed. You know, you and I think differently, but, you know, I'm a conservative, you're a liberal, or whatever the differences are, but they want to make it clear that they are not on board with this disaster. And this guy wrote a very thoughtful, long email about religion, about this and that, this fellow named Brandon. But this paragraph, I thought I would share with you. I wrote this email to let you know not all conservatives support this idiot, and I won't allow myself to vote for him. Although I also see Hillary as a bad choice, I don't see how I can't vote for her based on the fact that I cannot support Trump

because he is outright prejudiced, and I see him as a severe setback for America in general. I'm not the only one who feels this way. I plan on raising my children in a world where they can look around and see everyone treated fairly and receiving their treatment based on the decisions that they make as a person and not their skin color, place of origin, sexual preference, geographical location, or religious beliefs. I realize that's a pipe dream, but it would be a good world if we all took on the you be you and let me be me tone to things that aren't harmful to anyone's health and well-being.

I just read that section because I think it's an important sentiment. I think it's a very important sentiment to try to think about not your anger that may or may not be because of America, or may not be because of America, but to make a decision that may have some bearing on the future well-being of the country and the people in it, and not let the worst of us dictate what the rest of us will be subject to. Now look, before I bring Bobby into the conversation,

Bobby Kelly, I gotta tell you, I love Robert Kelly. He's he's appeared on my television show. He's also appeared on Louis show. He's obviously in sex, drugs, sex and drugs and rock and roll. He's a great comedian and a very sweet man. And, you know, I think the sweet man part gets lost because he's such a character. But, man, he's he's always been a nice guy,

big heart, and he's helped me a lot in my life just by being who he is. And nobody fucking kills harder than this fucker. On stage, he's a fucking killer. And he's honest, and he's filthy, and it's beautiful. And I was thrilled to have him on.

It took a while to get him in here just because he lives on the East Coast. But this is great. It's great. I love talking to guys. I like talking to Bobby. We don't get to talk enough. It's funny.

Before I bring up Bobby, like, you know, a lot of times I don't do much. I don't socialize much. But, you know, for the first time in a long time, I went over to Bill Burr's house and we had a cigar. Just, you know, like in the the afternoon me and Bill out on his deck smoked a cigar had a nice two-hour conversation about life the future career uh stuff family stuff and it was nice it was off the clock and we had a nice time we're going to try to do a little more uh as I said before the finale of Sex and Drugs and Rock and Roll premieres uh well it doesn't premiere it airss Thursday, September 1st.

That's this Thursday on FX. This is me and Robert Bobby. You can get anything you need with Uber Eats. Well, almost, almost anything. So, no, you can't get snowballs on Uber Eats. But meatballs and mozzarella balls, yes, we can deliver that. Uber Eats, get almost, almost anything. Order now.

Product availability may vary by region. See app for details. It's a night for the whole family. Be a part of Kids Night when the Toronto Rock take on the Colorado Mammoth at a special 5 p.m. start time on Saturday, March 9th at First Ontario Centre in Hamilton. The first 5,000 fans in attendance will get a Dan Dawson bobblehead courtesy of Backley Construction. at Dan Dawson Bobblehead, courtesy of Backley Construction. Punch your ticket to Kids Night on Saturday, March 9th at 5 p.m. in Rock City at torontorock.com. Kelly.

You like knives and mid-century furniture i love knives i think it's all all this shit is from my childhood i think well that was what cool shit was like a buck knife was the coolest fucking thing like my dad had a buck knife and i was like go ahead buck knife and he wouldn't let wouldn't let you touch it nope and then every once in a while right my grandfather i didn't yeah i didn't have my dad but my grandfather would let me whittle some shit with his buck knife yeah like a cross yeah or you know yeah only religious items yeah no he um yeah i remember i used to i've loved knives ever since i love and buck knives are the best that's what what I hear. Are they, like, they make fancy artists, like artisanal, you know, blacksmith knives now. I have one. You have a fancy one?

I had a really great knife maker make me a custom hunting knife. Really? Yeah, I got on a YouTube spiral one night about, you know, just the end of the world and I learned how to make fire and what animals to hunt and how to, like, field dress a deer in a small... Yeah, I just learned. I just spent probably around 12 hours. But field dressing a deer, that's something I would think you'd have to try once or twice

to get the hang of. I don't think you could just watch a YouTube thing. I watched probably three hours of field dressing deers. I know that right now, if we killed a deer... If you hit one with your car, you could... I could field dress that deer. Yeah? I didn't know inside you're connected through your throat and your asshole, and everything in the middle is just hanging in there.

Yeah. So if you cut the throat and the asshole, you just pull everything else out. Right. I didn't know that. I thought it was kind of attached to inside, but it's just- You're just floating in there. Your body is just floating this shit. What, did you look at YouTube to feel dressing humans too?

No, no, no, no. Well, it would be the same thing. I would just imagine it's the same thing. Yeah, probably. But it's like, you know, like, you always think at the end of the world, every movie, the guy goes out and just goes and kills a deer immediately. Right. It's like, that's the dumbest shit ever ever unless you have like a tribe to feed right you want to go kill

like a little squirrel or just to eat for then gst for a couple what about did you learn how to make jerky and cure shit and yeah you smoke it right so maybe a deer would be a good idea if you fucking saw one even if it wasn't a tribe yeah but you dude this yeah but you i'm gonna smoke fucking you know 100 pounds of deer meat for me and my wife and my three-year-old it sounds like a smart thing to do i was thinking of people like if the apostle does come the apocalypse comes yeah like who like who goes immediately oh you mean if the biblical apocalypse comes or just in zombie apocalypse in general what a biblical it's just over we have to go to like right now no electricity no oh you mean who doesn't make it immediately because they freak out no no it's just like you you add nothing

yeah you add nothing you don't hunt you we don't you're fucking saying you're not saying immediately you're saying the first few months first few months it's like dude fucking sense of humor. You're not saying immediately. You're saying the first few months. First few months, it's like, dude, your sense of humor just doesn't exist anymore. It's not going to get you anywhere. Nothing's funny anymore. Yeah. You can't charm people. Your setup punch tag was great. And that you know math was awesome.

But there's no more money. Yeah. And no one's looking for a laugh. I told like Noam, the owner of the comedy cellar. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Dies immediately. We just, we cut his throat. Oh, so that's how they go.

We're the deciders. Well, what are we going to do? Debate? No, I know. But like, you know, why can't he live? And, you know, maybe we live at the cellar. No. We don't live in the cellar. The cellar's gone.

Oh, so the city goes. Let's see it. This is pretty specific. The city's taken over by so we're out in the woods we're supposed to be homeless people take over the city well if you remember everyone's gonna be homeless so right the blackout remember the blackout yeah uh a couple years after september 11th there was this blackout in new york city right all over right and around i called my wife and we had this plan and i was like look anything happens in the city, you walk the fuck home from wherever you are. I stay home.

If you're home, you stay there. Yeah. And that's where we meet. So the blackout happens. Yeah. I go home. You walked? I was just, yeah, I was close.

So I walked. Yeah. So she, I stopped. There was a couple of delis giving away free ice creams. Right. Because the fridges were out. So I stopped a couple of times. Oh, so this is before you lived in the country.

Yeah, this is when I lived in house kitchen. Okay, okay. And I call her. I go, where are you? She goes, I'm downtown. We're having margaritas downtown. I'm like, do you remember the fucking plan? She goes, what plan?

I go, it's a blackout. She goes, so what? I go, fucking planes went into a building in walking distance from where... I go, get the fuck home. So she walks home. Right. And all of a sudden, the city started going to chaos. Yeah.

Like regular squares, pedestrians were directing traffic because people were almost getting murdered by other people driving. That's what I love about New York. People fucking step in. Like there's no other city like that. Right. Somebody goes down, three guys are like, what's the problem? What happened?

Right. Go tell a guy. You know what I mean? Go tell a guy. But it happens immediately. I love that about New York. But here's what happens at night with no lights you know what new york city becomes what fucking new hampshire yeah

yeah there's no nobody's out when the dude there's no lights and no electricity in new york yeah nothing you can't see your hand in front of your face it's fucking new hampshire yeah it's like being in the white mountains okay Now, all of a sudden, who is fine in those conditions? Homeless people, dude. We walked up to 9th Ave, or 8th, from our,

we lived on the 43rd and 10th or 11th, and we walked two blocks. There was a barrel on fire and homeless guys just walking around grabbing titties

and grabbing ass. Just coming up and going, her, yeah. That's all and going, her, yeah. That's all you heard was her, yeah. And then, oh! My friend's chick just starts screaming. She's like, somebody just grabbed my vagina. Like a guy walked up.

Just out of the dark? In the darkness and just grabbed a vag. Yeah. And went, huh. And that's it. And actually gave that little, yeah. So I was like, we're out. We're going home. It was crazy., we're out, we're going home.

It was crazy. And we had to, we lived on the fifth floor. Thank God for fucking, I didn't have enough money to live. There was people that lived on the 40th floor of our building that there was no lights in the hallways.

And no elevator. No elevator, 40 floors. And then you're stuck up there. So now you live in the country though. I bought a house. Is there deer up there? Yeah, we have deer, we have rabbit. So now you live in the country, though. I bought a house, yeah. Is there deer up there? Yeah, we have deer.

We have rabbit. So now that you did this research, have you gone hunting? No, no. I don't want to kill. I don't know if I could kill a deer. Right. Like, I'd only kill something if I had to. Right.

I fly fish. Yeah, all right. I do that. I lip hurt. I let them go back. Yeah. I don't fucking keep them. Is that what it's called?

Lip hurt? Lip hurting. I thought that killed them. Doesn't kill them? No, no, no, no, no. You hurt. I let them go back. I don't fucking keep them. Is that what it's called? Lip hurt? Lip hurting. I thought that killed them. Doesn't kill them? No, no, no, no, no. You hook them and let them go? You pinch off the hook. Oh, so it just stays in there?

No, it's like they have a better chance of getting the fuck off. It's harder to fish like that. Why don't you keep them and eat them? I don't want to eat them. Why not? What's the point? Just the sport of sitting there with the fly going back and forth, giving a little line, dropping the fly so the line just floats down back to you.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That's the meditation of it. I've done that shit. I've tied flies, motherfucker. I did too. All right.

There's something about that. There is. There's something about being in the water, even having your line in a knot and just untying that knot for 40 minutes. Yeah. While everybody else is fishing. Everybody else is catching fish around you and you're just sitting there quietly. Untying a knot.

Untying this impossible knot. That's a good day fishing for you? I don't mind it. That just sounded like, I'd be watching other people catch fish going, fuck, fuck. And thinking that when I got my line in, the fish would be gone. I do that in this business. sounded like i'd be like i'd be watching other people catch fish going fuck fuck and like you know thinking that like when i got my line in the fish would be gone i do that in this business that's what i do in show business i just sit there and go fuck he's got a fish fuck she's got nine fishes fuck you get she's got 10 000 fishes and i have a big knot in front of me that i'm trying to untie for 20 something years maybe that's the show

bob kelly unties knots dude i'm i'm literally at that point in my career where i'm thinking of these weird like okay maybe i can just go and, you know, redo furniture, like find furniture. Oh, it's great to think that shit, isn't it? Well, it's scary. I guess it's scary, you know, because when I, like my, when I was thinking about that and I think about it now from a different perspective, like, cause like I'm making a few bucks

and I think of it more in terms of like, I'd like to not work. But when I was desperate, you know, in the darkness, I could never i'd like to not work but when i was desperate you know in the darkness i could never think i could not come up with one thing that i could make a living doing yeah like what like maybe teach what try to get a writing job from a buddy yeah that's what that's what petrifies me well i you know what's weird it's like i remember seeing you at the cellar sad eating ice cream a lot yeah Yeah, with the chocolate cake. Yeah, I remember that.

I remember it made me happy. Because, not that you were sad, but that somebody that I knew felt the same way I felt. Do you know what I mean? Like, somebody that I never thought you should feel that way. Right. Because you were one, in my eyes, you were one of the chosen people yeah especially when i came to new york it was like and then when i saw you sad it made me happy because i'm i feel you know what i mean yeah and then when you made it i felt really happy for you like when you

popped off i remember when you gave your speech at oh yeah yeah and i was like oh my god he he did it he you came out of the fucking rubble yeah you know what i mean yeah and reached up and grabbed a stick yeah and pulled yourself yeah you know what i mean it's like uh i mean it must feel that feeling i don't like what does it feel to actually get pulled out of that? It's hard to process, because I feel like, here's why, and I've said it before, but the one thing guys like me and you, and I think we have a lot in common

for whatever fucking reason, because we're both sick fucks in a way, but the ongoing insecurity of not having success and keep trying and sitting there looking at friends and like fuck how the fuck did that guy and then you don't like him and you don't you're not happy when other people get successful the bitterness like when i finally found my little place and it seemed to have an impact like i did something relevant to people and people enjoyed i'm making a living and i think it's honest living that filled in as something in my self-esteem that that that can only happen that way yeah because i sort of resigned the fact that like i'm fucked and i'm going to be a sad motherfucker for the rest of

my life and i'm not going to make it so when i started to to sort of and that was on my own terms made a big difference too but so that thing where i'm like financial insecurity is a little better and just the fact that i achieved something just the fucking thing that i achieved something on my own terms i feel good about that that part of my self-esteem got shored up right right yeah i mean but even people say money doesn't matter blah blah blah blah but it sure it sure does when when you can fucking not worry about rent or mortgages. Absolutely. Yeah. It's like I don't need fucking a trust fund for my kid.

Right. But I would like to not worry about his food. Yeah. You know what I mean? I would like to not worry about him having to. Because my childhood was fucked up. not worry about him having to because I was my I try you know my childhood was fucked up you know

I just remember being fucking sad a lot I remember just being fucking just sad and lonely I remember just being alone yeah all the fucking time

where'd you grow up Medford you grew up in Medford like you're a real Boston guy like I'm trying to remember when I met you I met you you know when you had

hair on your head I met you at Catch a Rising Star. Really? In Cambridge? First time doing comedy. In Cambridge. In Cambridge. You had to sign up on a sheet.

Right, with Robin Horton in the back of the room. And there was another guy that looked like you. I forget his name. Cristino. Might be out of the business now. Cristino. Maybe. Right.

Yeah. I remember you went on. He was a bigger asshole than me. Yeah, he was an asshole. Yeah. He was a. Maybe. Right. Yeah. I remember you went on. He was a bigger asshole than me. Yeah, he was an asshole. Yeah. He was a piece of shit. Yeah. And I remember you went on.

I don't know if he is anymore. And you were great. And then I went on. I did some, I had five minutes or something. I waited six months for it. Yeah. I had to wait six months for it. Yeah.

Five minutes. Yeah. Brought my whole family. And I remember the guy who ran it, is his name Robin? Mm-hmm. Came up to me, says, listen, tell your family I don't want them laughing too much. I went, I don't know, what do you mean? I go, because I don't want them, there's other people going on, and I don't want them just

to laugh at you. What a fucking monster he was. And I go, okay, I don't know how to go up to my family and tell them not to laugh at me. So I had to go up to my family and go, hey, guys, make sure you give it up for everybody else too. Yeah. You know, and they were like, huh? So, and I remember the guy introduced me.

The fact that like you, of all people, like someone like me, who were like, you you know cocky assholes right but that we we even took that instruction at all like the right response to that is like all right and then like shut the fuck up what does that even mean but like you're like i better figure out how to frame it for my family that they'll understand well because i can't i can look i can't make this i i can it takes three days. I need three days to make any decision. Me too. What is that, man?

If someone comes up to me like that and does that to me, if you give me three days and a time machine, I can go back to him and go, you know what? Go fuck yourself. I'm not doing that. My family's here to support me. Fuck you and leave. Right. If you give me three days.

But I cannot make a decision in a moment. I cannot. That's why I admire, like Patrice could have an opinion in a little seconds. Yeah, yeah. Just be like, that's bullshit. And I'd be like, how do you know that? Like, how do you know it's bullshit? Because it kind of makes sense.

Right. Like, when he said, you know what? Yeah. I don't want the other comics to feel bad. Right. Like, maybe he's right. Right. Maybe I'm wrong.

Am I wrong? Mm-hmm. And then- Right, because there's a part of us that people pleasers i'm a fucking yeah because i never had somebody telling me hey fuck that or fuck them right one way or the other i never i never had a male figure or an adult tell me be something like i see my kid now my three-year-old, and he acts like me. Right. He does what I do.

Right. So, good or bad, he's going to be influenced by me. And his decision-making is going to be... Have you gone out of your way to do it differently? Absolutely. It's a constant. Every day I think about it. So, wait. So, your dad wasn't around?

Well, my original dad wasn't around. Where'd he go? It's so weird. He was in Vietnam. Yeah. My mom had my sister when she was 15, had me when she was 18.

Really? Irish Catholic home. Yeah. So she pretty much, you know, she was a kid. She was a kid, yeah. Yeah, she was fucking around

in a bush. Yeah. You know what I mean? Is that what happened? Well happened well i don't know but i would imagine it wasn't very romantic right right right they're probably banging in the back of a monty collins your dad the vietnam vet and your 18 year old mom well he went to vietnam while i was born he came back all fucked up oh really and him and my mom you know there's two sides to the story that how old are you i'm 45 yeah yeah so i never knew them they were gone she moved back in with my my grandmother so there was 13 of us living in a three-bedroom with your grandmother yeah so me and my mother and my sister were on a mattress on the floor in my uncle sean's room yeah next to a weight bench you know yeah my other uncle

tommy was on the sun porch my other uncle was in a closet the other two were down in the basement what the fuck my aunt shared a bedroom and then my grandmother grandfather had a bedroom and uh my great-grandmother was there for a minute and then she passed away um so i just out of necessity i think they killed her i think they needed the room i think one of the uncles took her out but so that's how that's your

early childhood memories but that was great I remember those times it was great at least there's people around but then yeah it was great my uncles are fucking great

I mean they were just amazing you know I remember my uncle would always bring me a cupcake home or something when I woke up from a nap there was always like

a little treat or something my one uncle was smart I remember Tommy was smart yeah I remember David Bring me a cupcake home or something. When I woke up from a nap, there was always like a little treat or something. My one uncle was smart. I remember Tommy was smart. Yeah. I remember David knew how to make bow and arrows and fight. Yeah. My Uncle Jimmy and Uncle Michael was cool with the women.

My Uncle Jimmy was the businessman. Right. My Uncle Sean was like the cop, the blue collar dude. So it was like I had five fathers like right there and then you had my grandfather who was greatest generation yeah world war ii yeah coolest motherfucker ever had a garden yeah knew how to grow shit knew how to fix shit could talk forever you know how come i had that there yeah then my my grandmother was the best my two auntsts, awesome. All Irish? All Irish Catholic. Yeah. And then my mother met this fucking dude, Billy.

Yeah. And she got married to this fucking savage. Yeah. This fucking guy who should never been around children. Right. And then she got married like that. And I thought it was great. I thought it was amazing.

I remember- You liked the guy at first. Dude, he was so so fucking great he parted his hair to the side he had a mustache you know he had like a nice car right and i remember we got an apartment and i remember walking in i had my own room yeah and i never had my own room really i never had it i remember walking in and looking up at the lamp there was like a this beautiful cool lamp yeah like a like a hanging from the ceiling this light fixture and i was like it looked like a spaceship and i was like is that mine and i remember i'm going that's your lamp and i was like i love this fucking lamp dude i loved it every day i would come in and go that's my lamp yeah

i loved it how old were you, like four, three? I was in kindergarten. Yeah, yeah. And I remember I had this side room and I had my own TV. I had a toy box full of toys. This room, all this shit, like literally like out of a movie. And it was just you and your sister? Me, my sister, my mother.

My sister had the same thing right across from me. What'd this guy do? He was an insurance adjuster. Uh-huh. He had one of those fucking wheels with a- the measuring wheel yeah every time i see those i fucking so i remember i was in my room everything was great i had this little side room with two beanbags and a tv and i was watching tv one night and i fell asleep from from day to night and i woke up and it was dark out and i just heard noise and i got up

and i remember i was so happy i was just so fucking happy and i remember i walked out i opened the door and i look out and my sister my mother's bent on her knees crying and then my sister's grabbing the phone crying to make a phone call and i remember he wrapped the phone around her head and then threw it at her head and punched my sister in the stomach and then I remember my mother saw me and she ran she ran to get me and she grabbed my sister and we went into my sister's bedroom and I remember I shut the door and I held it shut and he was kicking it was locked and he was kicking it and kicking it kicking it and i

was just in shock i didn't know what the fuck was happening yeah and i remember he kicked the door open and i went flying against the wall and i fell and i pretended that i was knocked out because i was so scared i remember i remember just saying like in my head at this little dead i'm dead just play dead yeah and i played dead and he looked down at me he goes i mean don't fucking lock that this is my fucking house and he looked at me he goes get the fuck up stop playing yeah i didn't hurt you and i remember my mother screaming at him and that was like the day everything changed like that was the the that was the day your innocence was over it was done that was the day that i learned that i i was introduced to fear yeah that was the day that

i was introduced to anger yeah and uh you know that was a day that you know when uh being hurt turned slowly started turning into rage you know what i mean and how long did that go on for it went on until i was in like i think it was sixth grade i remember she stayed with him that long yeah i mean i i don't know why i don't know what the fuck happened it was years of i remember you know coming home late and getting punched or thrown down the flight of stairs. I remember second grade. Yeah, man. I remember second grade coming home being so happy I got Miss Julian for second grade. Yeah.

Which I didn't even know what the fuck that meant. They just told you, you have Miss Julian next year. And I was like, yeah, skipping. I remember skipping. Yeah. I love skipping. Yeah. And I remember I got home a little late because I talked to this,

one of the Porvecchio sisters, Rachel, who I was in love with. Yeah. This is second grade. Second grade. I fucking was in love with this girl. And I got home a little late and then he had to do something and I was late.

And then, you're fucking late. And I remember him screaming at me. And I remember he hit me in the back of the head and then he punched me and I fell down the stairs. And nothing. Nothing. no no not no nothing dude i ran away i think uh that night i remember running away and i didn't know what running away was i remember i it was cold out i left i only went like five blocks and i was at a red light crying and i remember this girl was saw me and i'm a little

kid yeah a second grader yeah fucking crying at a red light cold with no jacket yeah i remember she was like what's wrong and i was like you know i'm running away and i remember you know she she walked me home i remember that she walked me back to my house back to the bad place back to the and my mother was there and she was like crying whatever she was like oh my god she brought me upstairs and i remember she hugged me and loved me and that's all i want i'm yeah fucking held me and and i was like oh my god thank god i saw you know what i mean i remember i was underneath the coffee table in the living room and i was just so happy yeah like i went from this tragic place and all and then she fucking gave me all this love and then I remember I was just so happy because that's all I wanted yeah and I

know she was on the phone with a friend and she was talking and then and I'm when we when I came home fuck it kills me man when I came home she was like Bobby what you know what she's like I love you Bobby and I went I went oh mom I love you too and we hugged yeah and we had that moment and then I remember I was under the coffee table and I was so happy and feeling good and he wasn't there she was on the phone and she was talking to somebody and she was like and then he went oh mom I love you too and she started laughing and I fucking just crumbled. Oh, my God.

I mean, looking back now, she didn't know I was there. She was probably telling her friend. She probably thought it was cute. She probably thought it was cute. It wasn't an evil laugh. It was just another. Embarrassing. It was just like, fucking, you two, you fuck.

You know, it was like. You felt like you were belittled and made fun of. Like, yeah, yeah. I felt, it just killed me, dude. It crushed me crushed me and i remember and this is second grade second grade so then you know then we moved again and slowly but surely what happened to your sister is she all right it fucking you know it's sad because she's not you know she used to call her fat and stupid and in fact you know he hit me and he used to call her fat and stupid and what it did between us it separated us because we separated to survive yeah and I remember if he was making fun of

her he wasn't making fun of me right he would always go come on let's go take a ride right and I was safe yeah well vice versa yeah you know so it's it separated us she went and you know kind of went off in her own world and it still fucks her up. Yeah. Yeah. I love my sister, but we've been trying to reconnect. Yeah. Since then.

Oh, really? Like, yeah, we've been trying to reconnect, I think, since I got sober, which was like 30 years ago. 30 years already? Yeah. I went, yeah. So we still try to talk like my sister's you know she's got kidney disease she got a kidney transplant seven years 17 years ago and uh

she uh she it's you know there's a limit on those so she needs a new kidney again yeah you know she called me up the other day crying and you know it's like we're finally starting to connect but there's still this survival yeah yeah you know she's like we're finally starting to connect but there's still this survival yeah yeah you know she's back in boston single she has a beautiful kid that's all grown up now and she's dealing with this kidney stuff and it's like i'm out here and it's fucked up man literally this fuck this fuck it's yeah it's the the pain of it of you know seemingly unresolvable emotional like you know pain you know that like that like how do you have like because i deal with a little of this with the sort of like you have these patterns the shit was set you know what i mean the dynamic is set and you crave something

more you're at you're at an age where you can handle something more but you just don't know if you can fucking get there with the other person or whatever yeah you know you can't get that shit back no you can't and it's so funny too is that someone just said to me uh do be be as good as you can be with your kid right now be if there's something that you do that's stupid stop doing it if there's something you do that's fucked up stop it so you think that about that all the time all the time because because um when he's 16 you can't fix it it's there forever right it's just there well it sounds like when you're two in second grade it's there fuck yeah i remember all that shit my mother because my mother's irish catholic and i love her to death but it's like can't we just move on mom i don't i don't know how to fucking live life so i don't know how to fight everything

i've gotten is through pure willpower pure fucking just i'm i'm not gonna it's all hustle yeah but you she's still around my mother oh yeah my whole that whole side of my family she got remarried after billy after billy how long did it take to leave her after she fucked up her kids five years five years of five destroying their child but here's the thing is i don't think they knew back then what they know now i don't think they knew because you think about her life think about her childhood 15 having a kid you get sent away you go to some nun place did she yeah uh where were you then who got you i was nine i was 18 when she was 18 and she had to go uh away again i think with my sister

she had to go away and i think with me she actually moved in with my grandparents right so why were all these people living with your grandparents when they had jobs like a cop and everything else no that's who they were personality wise No, that's who they were. Okay. Personality wise. Oh, okay. That's who they were. They weren't that then.

Yeah. They were just partying fucking teenagers, fucking psychopaths. But I'm saying like what they gave me. Right. That's kind of what, you know, if I was a, if I was going to be a superhero. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

That's where I got all my powers from those five guys. They're just a house full of nuts. Yeah. It's, it's, it's what they actually became in life from. I get it. Those five guys. They're just a house full of nuts. Yeah. It's what they actually became in life too. Later in life, if you look back, that's what they became. Right, right, right. Yeah. I remember when he...

I remember just being fucking scared all the time, dude. Scared of getting beat up. Scared of getting killed. I remember scared of getting fucking killed. But see, this thing is like, we do that thing. That's this thing we got to tell ourselves. They didn't know better. But who the fuck doesn't know that the guy that you married

shouldn't beat up your fucking kid for no reason? I don't know. I mean, I'm not trying to. No, no, no. Because she doesn't remember. She wasn't there for some of it. They go with the blinders on. It's like the people with sexual abuse. They know they know but they don't know yeah i fucking yeah i mean i can you

empathize for that i mean can you i mean i you know you say you love your mother but i just had this conversation right before you came over here did a therapy session and like the only way you know and we're programmed guys so like at some point you got to forgive them right yeah because to really forgive them you have to forgive them because if not you're just going to be in hatred forever and repeat it and i'm going to repeat it with my kid that's my biggest fear like i don't like i have a temper dude the temper is from him my temper i'm i'm like this fucking crazy sensitive pussy yeah you're a sweet guy and but what happens is if i get hurt i get i go immediately to anger me too and that's from that's fear anger is just hurt that's all it

is you're being hurt and it becomes anger because it's safer to flip the fuck out and scare people away from you then to be sad yeah because i don't want to hit anybody yeah but i don't want to be hurt yeah so i learned that i remember the day i learned that is that when he would hit me one time yeah and i went and got a knife yeah and i chased him and he and he actually ran yeah how old were you i was in sixth grade yeah and he ran i remember he was running away from me for the first time yeah and i chased him around the house with this knife and uh and then my mother grabbed me she's like bobby started he was, you little fucking psycho. You want to stab me?

Go ahead. And he put his hand out. And before he, I just went down. I was cutting his fucking hand off. And he pulled back. And he knew that he was. And he was like, okay, this kid's fucking lost it. Yeah, yeah.

And that was it. That was it. That was the last memory I have of this guy. I don't remember anything else from him. That was it. That was the last memory I have of this guy. I don't remember anything else from him. That was it. That was the last time. But in my brain, it clicked. I was like, oh, shit.

If you hurt somebody physically or you flip out or you get angry and you scare them, they'll fucking leave. So what ultimately happened to that guy and your mother? Like, how did that end? She divorced him moved in like in a panic like we're leaving the house today kind of shit i think you know no no i don't remember i remember it was pretty quick i remember it was pretty fast it's over divorce but i remember this scumbag he had money and i remember he came out they were getting divorced he came home one day with atari when at remember he came out. They were getting divorced. He came home one day with Atari when Atari first came out. Yeah. Like you don't have Atari.

Yeah. And he came home with Atari and he just hooked it up. Yeah. Started playing. Had an extra joystick. Yeah. And I remember he came, hey, you want to play? And I was playing Adventure.

Yeah. You know, with the little dot that went around. Yeah. And we were all playing and I remember, yeah, too bad you guys are leaving, you know, with the little dot that went around. Yeah. And we were all playing. And I remember, yeah, too bad you guys are leaving, you know. And I remember my mother came home. We were like, Ma, don't leave. Yeah. Maybe we should.

And he got us. He hooked us. This fuck. Just that easily. Yeah, because all we wanted, me and my sisters wanted to fucking be loved. Yeah, and play a game. Yeah, just be happy and shit. Yeah.

And she comes home. She grabbed the atari fucking smashed it like you fuck it and she flipped out on him and then i remember we were gone yeah and then that's when she met this guy she met this great guy who she's still married to today larry and he was actually in a marriage and my mother was in a marriage and they worked at the same grossman's bargain outlet uh-huh or grossman's Yeah. Which is a Home Depot back in the day. And I think they fooled around a little bit on each other's or something.

Yeah. Or maybe it happened and then after they did. Yeah. So I remember he would come over and he was the fucking greatest guy I ever knew. It was like living with Frank Sinatra. And you believed it though. It lasted.

It stuck. Well, I was already- It wasn't a sham. I was already gone, dude. You were like, yeah. I was already started. Who the fuck is this guy? I started drinking at 10.

Yeah. I started drinking like whiskey. At home? No, I just was hanging out with this 30-year-old guy named Dickie. Well, how does that happen? I just met him through this girl, Patty. At 10? 10.

10. I remember 10. I was- Do you have any questions about the 30-year-old who's hanging around with a 10-year-old, giving him whiskey? No, he was a cool guy. I remember we went to his house. I think his father, they were hoarders or something.

And I go into his house and it was just shit everywhere. And it just smelled like shit. And then we went in there and he had that dicky voice. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I drank so much fuck. I remember drinking pints of 7-7 and just being by a barrel with him and Patty. Who's Patty? Patty's just this blonde chick that-

How old was she? She was probably 15. Yeah. She was 15. He was 30. Yeah. I was 10. Drinking around a barrel.

He wanted to fuck Patty. Yeah. Patty fooled around with me, patty was dating this tough fucking 19 year old but you were 10 10 she fooled around with you at 10 yeah we kissed right we kissed yeah we kissed this is not a healthy environment for in any by any stretch of the imagination i had nowhere to go man i get i'm not judging you i'm just saying that like you know that how these people all found each other who the fuck knows well if you think of it, it was like- This was in Medford? Well, we had moved out of the house.

No more toy box. No more room. We moved into a two bedroom. My mother slept on the living room floor now because we don't have any more money. Yeah. Because Billy's gone. Right. So we live in this shit apartment.

But you got the guy who works at Grossman's well he starts coming over but it was by it was like almost like a year they started hooking up yeah and in that year i started drinking i started doing some drugs and i started hanging out with these people just like on the corner shit in a way yeah it was like they became like they gave were they in the complex no no no it wasn't a car it was like you know it was medford so it was like, you know, it was Medford. So it was like, you know, fucking blue collar town shit. Yeah. Yeah. I hung out with this kid, Dickie and Scott and we, they drank and I just started drinking

and I didn't, I remember I hated drinking. I just did it because they did it and I didn't want to, I was alone. I was fucking alone a lot. For around three months when we moved. Yeah. I had no friends. Yeah. I didn't have one person in my life

i would wake up i remember for i would wake up in the morning and go in the basement we had this fucking dusty old basement and there was three families living in this home and i would go in the basement and i built this little bedroom on the floor with a blanket a pillow and i remember i would go down there and i would bring my lunch. I would go out the front door. All right, I'm going to school, sixth grade. And then go around the back and go in the basement and just curl up in a ball and sleep all day. Until around 2 o'clock, 2.15 and then I'd come home. Right.

I'd just come out the back door and just be like, hey. Oh, so sad. It was fucking pretty. I remember being there and just lying there all day on the ground and you know the sun was coming through and just sitting there and just fucking being sad well you're all it was all beating at you and like you know all this fucking change and weirdness and you're drinking you can't relate to other kids and shit well yeah well that's what happens there's three months of that you know just being sad and lonely and then i met these people dicky and patty and

then scott and dicky sewell and all of a sudden these guys wanted to be with me every day they would come to my house my doorbell rang and they they became my family that became my father figure dicky and scott dicky the little dicky there was big dicky and little dicky little dicky was age appropriate age appropriate and big dicky was the leader big Age appropriate. And Big Dicky was the leader? Big Dicky, yeah, Big Dicky was, well, he was a separate guy. Right. Yeah, I started hanging out with the regular age appropriate Dicky. Little Dicky.

Yeah, Little Dicky and Scott Kelly. Yeah. We started hanging out and then I left Big Dicky and Patty. Oh, good. Yeah. But you're all drinking now. We were drinking a lot, man. We would drink every day.

Every fucking day. We would try to get booze. Did it make you feel better? The drinking didn't. The actual, the friendship did. Right. Yeah, the actual somebody fucking having my back did. You know, somebody, you know, actually wanting to be around me did.

So what the fuck happened so you're 10 years old you're already drinking every day and so you get sober at 15 is that what you say yeah i went to well it just you know i kind of always upped my friends right it's like kind of like this business you keep up up in your coattails yeah you know what i mean yeah like you know you you you make more famous friends and yeah all of a sudden you're hanging out with fucking the holy grail of famous people you're like oh my god you know yeah i think that happens in friendships too like when you're younger it's like for different reasons well back yeah holy grail is not that holy well my goal was to hang out with the toughest meanest guys yeah because that was the safest place for me to be. Right. So when I got an opportunity to hang out with this other group of guys from South Medford

or whatever, I remember, yeah, it was so funny that it was Frankie Policastro. Yeah. It was like the Fonz. Yeah. He's just the coolest fucking kid. How old are you now, 12? I am. I'm around 12 going on 13.

And I meet Frankie. Yeah. 12 i am around i'm around 12 going on 13 and i meet frankie yeah and he's got blonde hair italian guy leather jacket wife beater smoking cigarettes yeah and then i met uh jake gagliardi fucking coolest motherfucker ever from the italian family his big older brother uh two older brothers were just fucking just gorgeous human beings yeah like that italian yeah holy shit yeah gorgeous men yeah yeah and then i met uh mikey dots yeah and mikey oh yeah and it was like it was like out of a movie dude it was like being in a michael man film or something you know yeah and here i am the they took me in and they were like come on I would hang out

with these guys you got no dad that adds to all this you need these role models right well at this time she's seeing now she's seeing Larry

but you like Larry but still I'm done I'm gone right in terms of real real guidance and shit those days are over

I think if Larry was my father and I've said this to him before he is my I would say he is my dad right you know what I mean but if he was my father from when i was a kid you'd be i wouldn't be here i would be i would have some fucking great little job back in boston yeah i'd have a triple decker my sister would live on one of the fucking right apartments yeah i'd have an above ground pool right we'd have parties and barbecues yeah we'd probably go to the

cape yeah in the summer right oh yeah i would my life would be fucking i would not be here i wouldn't fucking have anything to do with this shit business at all not fucking one bit just bad timing larry had bad time he dude the first i remember he came over one night right when i started hanging out with dickie and scott and I started drinking and I started getting into it I remember he I'm with him and he's teaching me how to make chicken soup and he's he's he's sitting there in the kitchen boiling the chicken you cook the chicken and the vegetables and you you boil the the stock and then you put the vegetables and then you put the chicken you let it simmer and I remember we spent like hours making this

and he's Frank Sinatra's on and he's teaching me about all this old music and I was like, this is it. This is my, I've been waiting for this guy. And then the doorbell rings and it's Dickie and Scott. And they're like, let's go. And I was like, I didn't want to.

I really didn't, man. I was like, I don't want to. I want to stay with this guy. I want to eat chicken soup. We just spent three hours making this soup. Yeah. And Dickie's like, I know where they want to go. They want to go to the tracks and go get into trouble and drink and fucking be idiots.

But I was like, I don't want to go. Yeah. And I was like, do you guys want some soup? And they were like, yeah. I was like, really? And they're like, yeah, all right. And Larry was like, come on in, some soup? And they were like, yeah. I was like, really? And they're like, yeah, all right. And Larry was like, come on in, guys. Let's have some soup.

Right. And he brought them in and he gave us all soup. And I remember we're sitting there in the kitchen eating soup and Larry's talking to these kids. He's like, so where are you guys from? And you know, that's great. Be a nice guy. Yeah.

It was great. And then we were like, all right, let's go. And we left. And then we drank a bottle of whiskey and we all threw up the soup remember we're just on the track go projectile vomiting fucking the best chicken soup i've ever had it was just fucking everywhere that was but that was the battle right you know like that was you know sort of like it's interesting though that the pressure of that that like you know you that

this is a safer place it's a better place there's more to be gained it's a healthier place but you got these monsters with the fucking all of you have these little monster hearts that are full of anger and sadness and that's the pull like you don't want to be uncool well if i say no to them who you got what if he goes yeah what if larry goes right and larry's not you know and also like you know he's still an older guy he's still like a grown-up you know you still want to be a kid right yeah i want to be a kid i want friends but i also i want to make i don't know what to do i didn't know i don't know what to do i don't know what's the right thing so when no one ever fucking taught me i know know. No one ever said.

This is how you live. Go with your instincts. Right. You know what? It's okay to fail. No one ever said, you know, do what you want to do. I mean, I don't know what to do. It's like, I don't want them not to like me, but I don't want Larry not to like me. I don't want nobody not to like me because if people don't like you,

if people don't like you, then you feel like shit. But if everybody likes you, even if it's fake, even if it's fucking a sham, you can feel good. You can at least not think about them. Hence stand-up. Yes. That one twat in the front who doesn't laugh. And it's like, why?

Why? Why? Everybody else is fucking finding me amusing. But you don't like me. Well, you know what? Sometimes I've found they're just sort of like, they're sitting there going like, oh, Christ, did I leave the toaster on? He's got nothing to fucking do with you.

Oh, dude, I yelled at a lady one time in the crowd. She was on her phone and I screamed at her. I go, you know what? Fuck you. I'm fucking up here. Everybody's having a a good time you're on your fucking dumb phone yeah and she goes bobby i'm i love you it's just my daughter got into an accident and i was like oh god the whole crowd the whole crowd just shut down the fucking oxygen left the room. And I went, is she okay? She's like, I don't know. She starts crying.

And I'm like, oh my God. Now I got to go back into some fucking. How far are we into the shit? How far are we? Dude, I was probably 30 minutes into my show. I had a half hour left. Yeah. And it was just no recovery.

She's just crying. And I was almost crying. I was like, you should. Did she go? She's just crying. And I was almost crying. I was like, you should, you know. Did she go? She had to go. And she left. And she wound up being okay.

Yeah. And then she came back in. I was like, you know, now it's like she was just sitting there. And her eyes were still red from crying. But she found out that she was okay? I thought it was all right. Yeah, she was all right. It's one of those great moments as a comic where you you learn something you're not sure what but you know it's not necessarily going to stop you from saying what are you on your fucking phone for you know yeah for whatever

reason like i didn't know you when you started really like when when we started to sort of connect like at the cell or whatever yeah you always saw right through me and we there was a sensitivity i always felt like crying every time i saw you because like i'd be like you just look at me and go like what what what's going what what what's the matter what do you like because i knew you knew the the score and there was some sort of connection yeah where like you know i knew you're a very sensitive guy and that you know that it was i was always just shy of like losing my shit around you just emotionally. Yeah. I don't know what that was.

Do you know what that is? Well, I don't know. Do you know what I'm talking about? Yeah, I do because I've always liked you. Yeah. Even when people were like, fuck Mark Maron. Right. Well, fucking asshole.

Yeah. I'd be like, I like him. Yeah. Because like I said, I would see you there. Right. You know when sensitive people, that's the weird thing is like, because I'm like that. that i don't know if you're like that you seem a little more magnanimous than me like there's not a lot of people that think you're an asshole right but for me like i did have a a sort of disposition but you would see right through it anyways you're just one of those guys i just you

i knew you were always a really sweet guy i just knew you're a nice guy that's why i go to see you the ice cream of being sad and fucked up and all that shit that happened to you that's what drew me to you because i said oh good man you're you're you're you're fucked up and i'm fucked up too right now yeah well not right now i'm okay now but i've been where you're at a lot you know yeah but sometimes i think dude like i think of you having like i don't have that reputation but maybe i should right no maybe i should be more of a dick maybe i should be more of like is that me being uh just fucking i don't have an what the fuck am i doing that more people don't hate me no that's i don't think that's true i mean i don't even think for me it was opinions it was really just fear and defensiveness and assuming yeah i was always preemptively hostile because i always thought

you know what i mean like everybody was you know you know kind of judging me like i was paranoid a little bit and and really kind of hyper sensitive we just did a different thing with it i wanted to keep people out you wanted to let people in yeah you know like i i just like i'm i'm still have hard time with that accepting love or wanting to be like like yeah you know like i i just like i'm i'm still have hard time with that accepting love or wanting to be like like because you think as a comic all we want to do is be like but i fight that i i literally like that's the challenge why do you fight it because i i'm afraid that like if if if i open up like that that i'm just gonna fucking disappear it's a weird thing yeah i i'm afraid that every time i do it every single person i've

ever allowed in my life has left me every person that i was fucking ultimately close with yeah has fucking has left me yeah especially male figures yeah the only person that's ever stayed with me is my wife through thick and thin you know there's a there's a couple of i have like a few friends in comedy outside of comedy like but everybody else guys there's a group of guys that like would never fucking leave you there's a core group of dudes that it's very funny about that that whole cellar crew you know like when i you know even when i go back you know i feel like a closeness like you, it's not like everyone's in touch every day, but I bet you most of those guys, you know, they're like Colin or Jimmy or those guys, right?

I talk to Colin every, pretty much every day. Right. Like, you know, you know, they would show up for you no matter what. I think, I think so. I think Keith and Colin. Keith. Oh yeah. But it's this, here's the problem.

Yeah. The, and I, I got to find some way and I hope, I know it's this here's the problem yeah the and i i gotta find some way and i hope i i know it's through my kid or my family that i've created because now i've my therapist is like you know one day he's like stop bitching about your dad you're never gonna you're never he's like you're never getting one which one oh he goes you're never getting a dad yeah that you're never getting one yeah you the opportunity's gone it's never gonna happen stop harsh but true he goes he goes you're the dad right so just be the fucking dad and also do it to yourself to parent yourself yeah right which is i'm just fucking learning that parent your fucking self how do you yeah how do you fucking do that like how do you and it's like you're never

gonna get the friendship i'm i've never gotten the friendship that i wanted you never get the friendship a hundred percent that you want that's why i liked you that's why we're connected because and i used to do this like there was one moment in my life you know chuck scar yeah so we started together right and chuck's like moment in my life, you know, Chuck Scar? Yeah. So we started together, right? And Chuck's like the most kind of like, you know, kind of like hyperly, you know, kind of rigid-y kind of, you know, not the most emotional guy, you know what I mean? But I decided that he was my friend, you know, at some point when we were starting out, like Catch a Rising Star days.

And I just like, but when I got a friend, when I decide you're my friend, that's a burden. I'm a lot to handle. You know what I mean? Like, I got a lot of expectations, a lot of needs. Right? Right? So, like, so one time I just lost my shit on Chuck, who's just emotionally myopic.

It's one frequency. And I'm like, you're not a fucking friend. And he literally says you have a very expansive personality and I thought it was a very nice way of sort of encapsulating that like you know when I commit to a friendship I'm like you gotta be my dad

you gotta be my friend you gotta be there and it's exhausting how are you gonna keep a friend like that? it's fine you know what? you say that I've never put it into words but it is true

yeah if you're my friend you have to be a lot of shit yeah and you're a lot to handle and you have you have to have navy seal loyalty right it has to be military grade yeah loyalty to me you know what i mean and if you fail at that whatsoever fuck you it fucking you don't give a fuck right there's a few days then they get that part of you yeah and they don't even know what you're talking about yes because they're just normal people yeah three days you know you don't talk to some guy for three days you're like what the fuck and he's like what are you talking about and then you're like oh nothing you're cool you still love me it's like fuck it took me a long time to get that it's fucking it's but it's i'm starting to figure it out but i dude i don't know is it i don't know how to get rid of dude i've done fucking you know meditation i've pray i i don't know what the fuck it is i i i i i just don't

know if i'm fixable. I just want somebody to go, come here. I just want a sensei. You know when you see these kung fu movies or these karate movies where this guy grabs somebody and just goes, wax on, wax off. I just want somebody to teach me how to fucking wax on and wax off. I just want a fucking sensei to teach me how to be a fucking like a professional adult you know just to be able to handle shit and because i i i try to teach myself but i always

fail that's the one thing too is that you look at how the fuck could i be sad because i'm i'm i'm touring i'm making good money as at a con a comic. You're funny as fuck too. Like that's the other thing that we neglect to say. I mean, it's pretty apparent if people are listening that don't know you is that, you know, you're very honest, very fucking real. You can't help but be yourself and you're not afraid to say anything and it's great.

There's so few comics that do that anymore. Do you ever think sometimes like if you were emotionally disconnected and more focused just on being famous or successful that that's how it's done? I don't know. If you weren't in tune to your emotions as much or spent- I know, but I can't separate my creativity from, that's where it all comes from. There's nothing I can do about that.

It's no way, here's how I do it. It's sort of like, I should really write better jokes. And I'm like, I've never really written a joke in my fucking life. Like, you know, you see these guys that they sit there, they write, they organize, they structure. Like, Seinfeld to me is from Mars. Like, I don't know where the fuck that guy's coming from emotionally. I don't know where he's coming from comedically. I know he works very hard, but that's another fucking planet, man.

But, dude, that's so funny that you say that because I've had people say, dude, like Seinfeld, you got to get up and it's a job, right? Six hours a day. I do the job. Yeah. And you know what? It's more taxing on me because every time I get up there, it's life or death. It's not like if this doesn't go well i'm not gonna be okay for a

while yeah yeah yeah i don't walk out going like that was an okay set tomorrow's another night no fuck that i go like why do i do this i'm a i'm terrible i'm a piece of shit i don't work hard enough and i'm fucked yeah i'm fucked for days yeah yeah so am doing it wrong? I don't think so. I guess it's just the way you do it, I guess. Yeah, but at some point you've got to be like, what's the risk of that? The risk is not everyone's going to like me because I'm too fucking raw and I'm too whatever it is. And it took me a long time to accept that, and I don't think I would have had I not somehow built a small following for myself through the podcast and other things where like, I'm not fucking Kevin Hart.

I'm not Louie. But I got, you know, I got, you know, I got a few thousand people like me. Yeah, but I'm not even you. But you were. I'm not even fucking this. You know what I mean? Like, it's like I look at this 25 years in. Right.

And I'm doing great. You know, quote unquote, I got a show. I'm funny. you're closer to me than you are to louis i'm i'm yeah but it's like like i i still go on the road and fucking there's a bunch of comp seats and yeah you know i'm still i would that would happen to me if i did comedy clubs i bet i i but it's just it's like i still have to do thursday friday and saturday all right it's but you know what i mean it's like i know what you mean it's like you But it's just, it's like I still have to do Thursday, Friday, and Saturday. All right. But you know what I mean?

Yeah, I know what you mean. It's like, when, is there going to be a day where you can sell out or you can just do your comedy? Like these guys who just- For people that like you, but would you like that? You want the whole room to know you and like you? I would, dude, I don't know if there's any better feeling than performing in front of your fans yeah no there isn't you have to know that i mean when they show up to see you they fucking love you it's great when you show up at a club and there's 30 people

that are there for you and the rest the 120 are free tickets free tickets and and some type of uh fucking coconut shrimp coupon i'll tell, I'd rather just the 30 people. And then 10 people that pay, like, I hate free tickets. Yeah, but I can't, I have a fucking kid. No, I know. I got a, you know, it's like, it's like, like, that was fucking great when I was living, I was just a single guy. But now it's like, I have a fucking kid that I have to, like, that whole other fucking

aspect of it now. It's like, I don't know, dude, everybody. I hate that, dude. I hate the fucking, why don't you have that? Dude,

I'm still very specifically famous. Like, you know, like you, at some point, you know, you, you,

you, you've got to like, sort of like contextualize, you know, your success, you know, like, does that make sense?

Maybe not. Let me try to put it a different way. Is that like, there's a lot of people don't know who the fuck I am. You know, my show's on IFC. My podcast is a podcast. Yeah, that fucking President Obama came on. Yeah, I know.

I know. But that doesn't. I mean, but you found it, dude. You found your thing. Right. You got it. I know. That was lucky.

Cosmic timing. I earned it. But you earned it, and you found it, you you did the work for it and you went through it and it's like am i not doing am i just you know what i mean dude like fine did you get your health insurance from doing the show yeah okay shut the fuck up it still doesn't it does nothing it does not yeah that didn't work that did not work sorry no it almost worked i for a fucking second i was like it was almost like wow yeah but no it didn't i'm still where i was before you said that i'm still petrified i'm still petrified i'm petrified of being 55

i know having to work uh work in some uh some fucking one-nighter in Poughkeepsie. That was my biggest fear. When I was in the garage not knowing what the fuck to do with my life after Misha left me. That was my biggest fear. And I'm so grateful that things worked out. But that was the biggest fear. But here's what I'm telling you. You're working.

Yes. And people know you. Yes. And you're on a. You're working. Yes. And people know you. Yes. And you're on a fucking big network show. Yes. You have great friends. You have creative friends. You're thought of as an actor.

You do a great job as an actor. You do a great job as a comic. Just fucking at least know that. Yeah. Maybe that's it. Maybe the key to it is is enjoying that and not worrying about it's hard though worrying about where you're going yeah and just i mean like the program one day at a time maybe it's just that but it's i it's hard to how is your program

it's not that it's good you know but it's not as good as it could be you know let's go back though so you got sober at 15? Why? Because you went to jail? What the hell happened? Yeah, I went to jail. Oh, you did?

I went to jail at 13 for unarmed robbery and assault and battery. Did you do it? Yeah. What'd you do? I ripped off a mafia-owned pizza store.

What? Yeah, I was drunk. I was fucking shit-faced. Me and Frankie went in and he went in and I was trying to pick up the chick.

This chick who worked there was in my geography class. Big-nosed Italian girl. I was in love with her. And we just took the money out of the register and ran out. You had a gun, though? No, we just fucking threatened them. What's his name? Frankie threatened the cook that he was going to beat the shit out of him.

Yeah. I guess he beat him up a week before and went back in and threatened him again oh and uh we we took the money we just took it and ran yeah and then i had the mob after me and the uh i got arrested went to uh juvenile jail for a while like six months at 13 yeah i remember that that was that was fucking shocking. Yeah. Yeah, that was pretty fucked up. Just because... I remember when I... My bail was 10 bucks and my mother wouldn't pay it.

To go learn a lesson? Yeah, well, she was told not to pay it. By who? By the judge. Oh, because he wanted to... He said, let him go through the system. Yeah. Because he's never going to change.

Really? So she did. Believed him. She believed him. Believed any shitty guy that tells her something. Well, it actually worked. I was the only one out of all my friends who kind of got sober in his life together.

Oh, yeah? All those guys. Oh, really? Yeah, because I went... I remember they took me away and I remember... This is weird. I still sucked my fingers.

Yeah. I still... In juvie? juvie yeah well the last time i would suck my fingers and pick my nose yeah with my pinky finger yeah it was just my instead of sucking my thumb yeah i would suck my fingers yeah my two fingers yeah and uh i remember that was the last that night in juvie jail was the last time i ever did i was so afraid of falling asleep yeah sucking my fingers i was 13 and i just i remember i was like i can't do it i stayed up i kept waking myself up i just want to wake up and just catch a beating because i was sitting there sucking my fingers and picking my nose so i was fucking paranoid so i remember that was the last time i i ever did that and then they took me into this place i remember i went into this room and it was the first time i was around puerto ricans and black dudes yeah like you know rough it's just i was the only white kid in there and uh they

we sitting in this room watching cartoons on this big fucking tv up at danvers state hospital yeah remember the mental institution? Kind of. They had this mental institution, but they had this little side building that they gave to the state for juvies. Yeah. And you'd go there after court. Yeah. And you'd sit there, wait to see where you're going. Yeah.

And I remember they brought in subs, all these subs. And there was an Italian sub, and they had these wet onions on top. Yeah. All the kids took the onions and threw them on the ceiling. And I looked up on the ceiling. It was like years of onions. That was what people did. That's just what they did.

Yeah. Just years of onions just dried on this fucking ceiling. Yeah. It was the fucking grossest shit. So I just took my onions and threw them up on the fucking thing. Yeah. And then I was in the system. I remember going to jail and being in this fucking crazy shit and and then going into

a foster home for the next three years you fight in jail i didn't fight um i was funny that's where i learned to be funny yeah yeah that's where i actually learned to be funny i i remember one night they were coming in they were beating up up, there was three white kids. Yeah. And they beat up one kid at the, playing basketball. They just threw basketballs at his face. And then they came in to get the other kid. They gave, they beat him up in the shower. And then I was sitting in my room and they all came in, all these black dudes, little tiny dude.

Yeah. They called him the Godfather. Yeah. Little squeaky voice. Yeah. And they came in and they sat all around me on my bed and ignored me like i wasn't there yeah and they were like these motherfucking white boys they're talking shit about white white dudes yeah they were like yo you what's up man you a homeboy you a white boy

yeah and i was just like i'm a homeboy motherfucker and they were like this fucking kid's crazy they just started laughing they were like you're all right motherfucker i'm like you're all right too motherfucker they were like all right chill out enough yeah i learned i that's where i learned to be funny yeah is in jail your life depended on it yeah well yeah it was either that or fight i mean i learned how to fight too i'm just i was the same way you know for being as big of a dick as I was, it's amazing I haven't gotten my ass kicked, but I never did. Ever? Nope.

Are you going to do it? No. I would never do that. I love you. I never did. That's the one thing about you. I remember when you would come to the cellar, you would sit in the bottom and just, like me and Garfrey were so loud.

Yeah, yeah. I remember, because we'll, I remember I used to sweat. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Garfrey was on stage or I'd be on stage and he'd be there. Why? Why do you... Why do you got to fucking yell? Why do you guys got to scream? I mean, can't you just...

Because you had to go up after. I know. And I would be like, Mark, it's okay. I go, Mark, you're fucking hilarious. You're going to just do just fine. It has nothing... And you were like, really? Is it good?

Are you sure? I'm like, marky you're fucking yeah yeah and you'd come off you'd be like yeah it's good yeah it's good i just thought like you know yeah they're just ruining everything yeah it was uh yeah juvie was fucking crazy foster homes were worse than juvie though but now you're like 14, 15? Yeah, I was. And you can't go back to your mom's place? No. You would go to jail for a few months, and then you would go to a foster home for a few months.

And then you'd work your way back to. And I went back eventually to my mom's, and then you get arrested. Yeah. You're a ward of the state. So when you're a ward of the state, they you're a ward of the state they own you so there's no more court yeah so you just do you get you do something bad you go right to juvie jail yeah there's no more of that shit it just saves money and time right so that's what kept happening anytime i did something i would just go directly to jail yeah and that's what happened over the next three years i just kept going to jail and the last time i uh went to jail

was I was living in New York, upstate New York, near Rochester. I was working on a farm. Court ordered? Yeah, court ordered on a farm five days a week. I was a farmhand. Yeah. And I fucking fell in love with it.

Yeah. I worked with animals and fucking all this crazy shit and kind of got my shit together a little bit, but I was still hanging out with the fuck and that was my mo anytime i went to i went to seven different high schools six different fucking bad kids i would i would always anytime we moved i would have a thing of weed and i'd find the fuck i'd get i would do something fucked up to go to detention first day second day you know tell everyone knew you so then i would be in detention and whoever was in

detention with me those are my new friends. Yeah. So I'd be like, dude, you want to smoke some weed? Yeah. And we'd go smoke weed after detention, and that would be my group. Yeah. And I would just hang out with those fucking guys. And that's what I did up there.

Same shit. But also work with animals. But I started working on the farm, and the responsibility of that. Yeah. And coming home and being so exhausted and fucking just smelling like fucking shit, animal shit. Yeah. I had this responsibility for the first time in my life. And I actually started getting self-esteem.

Yeah. And my mom and stepdad, Larry, we were actually, we were connected on some level. Because now I- Before they couldn't really have you around. Because I was just a fucking punk. Yeah. on some level because now I before they couldn't really have you around because I was just a fucking punk yeah and now all of a sudden but I was still you know drinking

on the side yeah partying on weekends and stuff and I got arrested again and that was it and then I just fucking

I went they flew me back to Boston on a plane I remember that's when you could smoke on planes too right

I remember being 15 smoking on a plane yeah me too that was the greatest shit ever and it was back four rows. How the fuck was that even possible? How did the whole plane not smell like fucking cigarettes?

It did, but how do you fucking... Imagine looking at a 15-year-old lighting up a Marlboro on a plane. I know. I smoked at that age too, and no one fucking did shit. Nothing. They ought to smoke in our high school. They couldn't stop it. There's 3,000 kids there.

I remember flying back. I asked the flight attendant for a light. Yeah. 15-year-old. Yeah. On the plane. Yeah. yeah and then she loved me they were great to me the whole flight and we got to boston there was two state troopers waiting for me at the thing and i just turned around and they handcuffed me i was like bye ladies they're like what the fuck is that and i went right right to fucking jail and then i went to rehab for a year holy shit a whole year i didn't see anybody all male rehab that was that's changed my life the guy tom tompkins who ran this fucking thing

was the greatest one of the greatest men i've ever met in my life he's alive still he died while i was in there which which fucking killed me that's another thing with these fucking here it is i met this i met the guy This guy was in show business in a weird way, like old show business. His wife was a famous opera singer or some shit. And his world fell apart through booze. And he opened this thing up to get kids, to save kids. Oh, it was his place? It was his place.

Wow. And I remember he- How'd he die? Fucking heart attack, man. Oh, God. I'm so scared of that He was like 70 or something And he used to smoke those misty cigarettes Yeah Like nine packs a day

The thin ones? The thin ones Yeah And he would just smoke all day The first time I met him I was on the Our first day there And this kid was like

I want the fuck up Fuck this place And all the staff were there And he comes down the stairs This old guy with a fucking weird beard and he had psoriasis and just looked like shit yeah looks like he just got off an island yeah you know what i mean yeah and he came down and he goes what fuckhead wants to leave yeah and i everyone was like what i was like what the he got and he started yelling at the skinny you fucking dumb cunt You want to fucking leave you stupid cunt then get the fuck out of here. Fuck you you fucking pussy

I go we're trying to save your life We're trying to fucking save your fucking life and you want to be a fucking pussy you dumb cunt I remember this new employee was like, excuse me, but I don't think he goes fuck you you're fired get the fuck out fired the guy and then the kid starts crying he goes yeah you're fucking sad aren't you it's scary isn't it yeah it this is life or death you fucking asshole we're trying to save you do you want to be saved he was like yeah he, all right, then shut the fuck up. And he walked over and he goes, look at me. And he gave the kid a hug.

And the kid just lost it. Lost it. And I remember I was like, what the fuck is happening? And he goes, where's Kelly? And I raised my hand. He goes, upstairs. I was so scared. And I went to his office.

And he was like, he goes, he was the sweetest guy. He's like switched. He was like, all right, so how are you liking it the first day? I was like, I don't know. And then he goes, I want you to tell me, tell me what's your baggage? I go, I had a father. No, no, no. no he goes what's the thing you've never fucking told anybody

yeah what is it what's the thing you've never told what are you fucking walking around with yeah and I go

he goes I want to know the thing you never fucking told a soul that haunts you that you feel shitty about and I was like one time I jerked off my friend.

And I, you know, I feel really fucked up about that because I'm not gay, but I feel like I'm, you know, I didn't, he goes, what? I go, you know, and he goes, he goes, he goes, this kid, he goes, whatever his name was, Glenn, go get fucking Michael, Sean, and get Miguel up here right now. And he brings these three kids. I'm like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Brings these three kids up. Now there's these three kids. He goes, hey, you, you, and you. Do you ever jerk off one of your friends? Yeah. Absolutely, yeah. You ever jerk? Yeah.

You ever jerk? Yeah. He goes, everybody does that you fucking dummy part of sexuality it's you're not gay you're just a little kid that was exploring sex i was like i'm not he goes no everybody i was like really they're like yeah i fucking jerked my friend off i was like get the fuck out i i was like oh my god like it was gone it was fucking gone forever the the thing that I walked around with for all these years,

I'm like, I'm this dark secret. And it was like gone in two seconds because these other three kids. Yeah. And he was telling me, yeah, dude,

you know, you're just exploring. You don't know what's sad. Nobody taught you. Nobody fucking sat you down and told you what your penis did and how would a mo, and all of a sudden you go through puberty

and blah, blah, blah. And then he just, from there, the sweetest guy ever, ever, ever, ever in my life. Did this guy, he used to bring me and a couple of the kids over his house. I always thought he was going to try to fuck me. Yeah. To be honest with you.

I always thought there was going to be that moment where he's going to go, let me see your car. Yeah. Yeah. I'm going to show you how to jerk a guy off. where he's gonna go let me see your car yeah yeah yeah i'm gonna show you how to jerk a guy off i always thought there was gonna be that moment yeah because he would bring us over his house and we'd put furniture together yeah like ikea he had like uh he loved records and stereos yeah and we would put the stuff together and he'd make us those uh pizzas yeah those french

bread pizzas yeah and little french cakes he'd have these little cakes and he'd feed us. He was like a grandmother. Yeah. And he was like the greatest guy I've ever met. And he changed my life. And I wanted to be a better person. And then he fucking died. Just one day they came in and they said Tom's passed.

And he was never in my life again. And then the guy that took over was just a fucking dildo. Yeah. And then I left a couple months later. Well, you got enough of that guy. I got around nine months of him. Of this amazing fucking human being. Yeah.

That actually gave me these these moments of hope and these these uh and he took away a lot of my uh fucked up shit this he took away a lot of my baggage at that but he also you know he was that guy that i was that man that i was looking for i just wish i wish you know like i said before it's like i've had these amazing men in my life i've had it probably around 12 fathers right you know what i mean probably around 10 dads right these amazing you know yeah yeah i i did the same thing because my dad was like sort of abusive and and fucked up and absent that like there's a lot of guys in my life some of them better than others yeah some of them that were frankly dangerous that didn't mean no good but

i i do knowing that's why i i gravitated towards them i'm able to find something good about all of them really yeah so you get out of this place and you're you're going to meetings and and and you're doing the thing well i went to you know you get out of that place and it's almost you're institutionalized yeah and i was like i thought i was gonna die i swear to god i was like i'm i'm not i'm gonna die i'm not gonna make it and uh and i went i just went to a meeting yeah i went to a fucking meeting and i remember i asked a guy the guy told me when i left rehab go to a meeting that's far away from your house so you can't get a ride home you can't i mean you can't walk right you have to ask somebody for a ride or you're going to be fucked right so i found this meeting way the fuck out and i got dropped off i remember larry dropped me off yeah and he goes you sure you don't need a ride i go

nope and he left and you're like what 16 it was 16 yeah and i went to the meeting and i sat by the door panicking yeah and i saw a guy that i i met at a meeting while i was in rehab and i go hey can you give me a ride home and he went no i still hate that fuck i still i was so like what the fuck yeah and then i panicked i'm like i and then all of a sudden this guy comes in long hair fucking rocker yeah and i go hey can you give me a ride home and he looked at me he goes fuck yeah and he goes over to the piano and there was a piano in this fucking room and he starts playing and all these chicks these you know rehab chicks come over and yeah and then we hung out until two in the morning at a bickford's yeah talking sobriety and program it's the best part

about fucking early sobriety it's just just like fucking smoking, talking, drinking coffee with whoever, and you know the language, and they're fucking, you know, there's a context to the conversation. It's not weird. No. Yeah. It's the best part, and you're constantly being grateful. You're constantly, you know,

I just remember just talking about every fucking day. And there's no shortage of fucked up grownups to fucking talk to you all night. I remember first time I ever saw stand-up comedy. Bob Keene. And I remember I was so excited to fucking go to this. First row, I fucking got. And I remember the guy, not Bob, the other guy, whoever he was, I was laughing.

And then I looked at him and I reached up and he touched my hand. Yeah. And I was like, he touched me. Yeah. And I remember I was so, that comedy that night. That was it? It took me out of that. Dude, I was going to kill myself.

I mean, I just remember loving it. Love and stand up comedy. That was my first time. And then I would go sneak in and see Sweeney. At Knicks? I remember I saw Gavin on stage hosting. At Nick's?

At Nick's. The original Nick's. The original Nick's upstairs. Sold out. That's great. Gavin's on stage hosting. Gavin. Talking fast.

He brings up Steve Sweeney together. Yeah. The two of them are up there? The two of them are up there. And I've never seen anything that funny in my life. And then I think DJj dj hazard went up

after them yeah and i've i was just like it was i've never been in a room where it was just like fucking it was the it was just fucking not it was that's like it's almost like the rap pack of boston you know like that you know everybody you felt the community of it it was like being at a sporting event yeah yeah yeah you know what i mean that's how funny it. It was like being at a sporting event. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know what I mean? That's how funny it was. It was like, that's the energy. I remember being at the garden. Yeah. And it was fucking crazy.

I remember seeing that happening. And then somehow I got into this fucking thing. But did you finish high school and shit? I went to college. I went- I wasn't being presumptuous. I was in the rubber rooms. No, I went to two classes a day in ninth grade.

Yeah. And then I worked my way out of that. Tenth grade, I was in regular classes. Yeah. And I was in art, and I excelled in art. And then the art teachers loved me. Eleventh grade was great. Twelfth grade, unbelievable.

I got a scholarship to bunker hill community college for art um i was gonna go be an art teacher and i remember never got in trouble a week i think it was a week before we were graduating high school i i got kicked out of high school again the guy behind me the guy behind me i mean nothing, nothing, no problems for years, just excelling and doing great. Yeah. Got a scholarship.

Yeah. I remember the kid behind me was fucking with me and he's going, hey Bobby, you're a faggot. And I was like, yeah,

yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,

yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, faggot. I was like, all right, this is funny dude,

stop. He's like, you're a faggot. I'm like, dude, enough, enough. Faggot. He's like, you're a faggot. I'm like, dude, enough. Enough. Faggot.

And I go, I'm not fucking around, dude. Shut the fuck up. Fag. I snapped. I picked my desk up. I threw my desk at the kid's head. One of those desk seats that are together. I picked my three you

fucking cocksucker i'll murder you and the teacher went robert kelly i go fuck you too fucking asshole it's a whole lifetime of rage comes out all came out a week left a week left and i i remember walking i just walked down the hallway right to the principal's office and every kid in the school heard it they were all leaning out of the fucking doorways yeah and i went and mr d was like hey bobby what's up buddy how are you doing i go you're gonna want to talk to me his fist is black comes in he just fight it and he was like what and they they let me graduate but they suspended me for the last week. So I didn't go to school for the last week.

But you know what that was? That's like one of those things, right? So there you were at the precipice of everything turning around. And, you know, that fucking idea of who you were because of your fucking life took over. Yeah. I'm a bad kid. Yeah. All that fucking thing that, you know, I'm gay.

Tom Tom kids because I jerked a kid off when I was fucking six or whatever. I guess they didn't get rid of it. Yeah. It really fucking annoyed me. That cocksucker. He really bugged me. But yeah. Yeah.

But then I went to Bunker Hill, man. And you were going to be an art teacher? What kind of art were you doing? Dude, I was going to be. I was going to work at a fucking Y or macaroni. I could do art. I could paint. Yeah. I could draw, but not, you know.

So when did you start doing the comedy? After Bunker Hill? No, in Bunker Hill. Me and, there was a talent show, and we took an improv class as in a, whatever, an elective. So we decided to do improv. And that's where I met Dane Cook. This kid Al was in my class and these two other kids, and Al and Dane were best friends. Yeah.

So we wrote sketches. Yeah. And I remember we went and saw an improv group at Tufts University called Cheap Socks. Yeah. And we just stole everything they did, like their improv games. Yeah, which were probably just improv games. Yeah, that was it.

We just took their improv. We took two improv games, and we wrote a sketch. And we rehearsed and rehearsed and rehearsed. And then we did this talent show at Bunker Hill and won. And that was it and i from that i told him was at bunker hill or he was no he was just he was uh he was just yeah he was just hanging out yeah he was a he wasn't we were in comics yeah we did improv first yeah we did this group yeah where we would uh so he wasn't doing comedy yet no he was we were doing

stamp our first all of our first things was that catch a rising star we all signed up on that stupid list yeah and of course dane went up and killed yeah you know he had some fucking bit about a speaking spell he had speaking spell and then i think it was the snowman bit he had some it was like crazy and uh yeah then we did that for a couple we won the bcn comedy riot we were the first group, comedy group, to win that. What year was that? I forget. Remember the Rock of Boston show? Yeah.

Yeah, we did that. 14,000 people. And we got booed off stage. 14,000. They put us on after the Spin Doctors and before Phish. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. To do improv. Yeah, no good.

With no microphone. We all had handheld mics. But we all went out and bought different colored shirts. Yeah, no good. With no microphone. We all had handheld mics, but we all went out and bought different colored shirts. Yeah. We all had, like I had purple, Dane had blue. Yeah. And we all went out with the same kind of outfit on, like a little uniform.

And I remember we turned around and we started doing this sketch. And all of a sudden you just heard people. It was dead quiet. they thought we were a band and then we started talking and i remember it just got really bad really fast yeah and then just shit started getting thrown at us and it was like the craziest shit ever i've never been that hated by that many people yeah in that fast a time yeah and uh i remember we did the first sketch and they were like uh get the fuck off but there was still like a few people in the front

going keep going we like it it was enough it was enough to keep going yeah and uh i remember i fucking took my shirt off and i went people 14 000 people i go people we know you didn't come here to see comedy you came here to see spin doctors fish but before we leave give us four things that piss you off and jobs fucking shoe lighter fucking just started throwing more shit we all just ran off stage Mumps. Fucking shoe. Lighter. Fucking just started throwing more shit, and we all just ran off stage. It was bad. That's pretty funny, though.

Yeah, it was terrible. And I remember they fucking left me. Yeah. They were supposed to pick me up out front. They left me. I'm outside in front of the old Boston Garden on a pay phone as the place is letting out, and everybody walking by is going, there he is, just pointing at me. Yeah. That was the

fucking worst and then a life of comedy starts yeah the the i guess my main addiction yeah but what if i become a good person whatever what if what if you become you already are a good person well what if i become really healthy you won't then i'm not going to be as funny you're not going to become what am i going to do on stage you're not going to become people are nice you ever notice no i know i'm fighting with the same thing but but you know that is such a fucking hypothetical and there's no reason to think that that will ever happen what you could get is a little fucking peace of mind a little self-acceptance yeah i mean let's not go crazy you're not gonna what do you think's gonna happen to you what you're just gonna lobotomize yourself no it's just like basic management of of like you know the bullshit

that makes us crazy which is like fuck that guy how come i don't have that when is mine gonna happen some of that could be turned down and you'll still be the same asshole you are yeah yeah you're right i mean you even spend a couple minutes just trying to be grateful yeah and make a gratitude list i do that yeah it goes away a lot of the shit goes away gratitude list is like one of the best ones because when you're sitting there like feeling sorry for yourself being resentful cunt you're just sort of like make a gratitude list wow yeah i like my furniture i like your furniture i love you no i'm talking about doing you oh i love my furniture. I like your furniture. I love your furniture. No, I'm talking about doing you. Oh, I love my furniture too. Yeah, right.

I got this nice house. I got a kid that likes me. I love my grass. My wife is okay with me. My wife is fucking, I mean, my wife is the best motherfucker in my life. Yeah. I luck the fuck out with this girl. She is the best thing that's ever happened to me.

Yeah. If I was to go back and she's the best thing that ever happened to me. Well, good. So now, you know, then you go take care of yourself a little bit and she'll be happy and you'll be nicer probably.

Maybe have sex. Less draining. Yeah, maybe a little sex. Yeah. You wouldn't exhaust her every day. Yeah. Well, having sex with her? No, just by being you.

I really do, man. I'm not even kidding, dude. I know. How could you not? She is so not fucked up. I mean, she's fucked up, but I really do exhaust this fucking poor woman. Yeah. You got to get that in check, dude.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. We good? You want to get something to eat? I'm hungry. Yeah, let's go eat. That's another addiction I have to fight.

What are we eating? Something healthy? We can. No. All right. Can I have one thing? Yeah. What do you want, Mexican?

I love Mexican. All right, let's do it. All right. Thanks. Love that guy. Love Robert Kelly. And I'm glad we had that conversation and i you know and i've been in touch with him a bit since then and right now premiering the get it right band who i hope

i'm right from uh asheville north carolina i think doing a song i kind of co-wrote they used words of mine taken from different uh monologues and whatnot and put it to music. The song is called However Broken It Is. You can hear more of this stuff, soundcloud.com slash the dash get dash right dash band. But here is However Broken It Is, co-written by me, Mark Maron. guitar solo I deal with sadness Existential anger Frustrations of being alive Frustrations of being alive

Just trying to be Compassionate people to be compassionate people and know yourself in the world and know yourself in the world to act from your heart however broken it is There's a gray sadness Yeah, it needs to be filled

With temporary spackle Huh Cause there's anonymous monsters slinging out garbage. It's a cultural malignancy. Try to act from your heart However broken it is guitar solo Is there room in your narcissism For a little optimism? optimism optimism Is there room if your master sits up for a little Is there room in your narcissism For a little optimism?

I really like you, I'm fucked Do you see me spiraling downward? Do you see the plane crashing? Do you see smoke? Do you see burning? I need to be deprogrammed I need to be deprogrammed I need to be deprogrammed. I need to be deprogrammed. I need to be deprogrammed. Pretty cool, right?

Good song. Boomer lives! It's hockey season, and you can get anything you need delivered with Uber Eats. Well, almost, almost anything. So, no, you can't get an ice rink on Uber Eats. But iced tea, ice cream, or just plain old ice? Yes, we deliver those. Gold tenders, no.

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