Yannis Pappas Hour - Seth Rogan’s AssTrays - LongDays with Yannis Pappas - Episode 22

Episode Date: May 30, 2021

Yanni goes long on all the Chapelle photos by his crew on the gram, John Stamos passing up heaven, Elliot page is swimmer buff, the tale of Yanni’s lost sushi and much more! Long Day activated.   For an additional bonus episode every week and more Yantent, click here and support the show: https://www.patreon.com/yannilongdays   Get 25% off at SundayScaries.com with promo code [YANNIS].   The show goes out every Sunday at noon to youtube and audio platforms but while it's being recorded the show goes LIVE on Yannis' Instagram!   Come join in on the LONG DAY Follow Yannis Pappas   Instagram - https://www.instagram.com/yannispappas/ Twitter - https://twitter.com/yannispappas Website - https://www.yannispappascomedy.com/ Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

What's the delus? Welcome to Long Days. What a time on the planet we have. Elliot Page has no tits. Also lost her name, but still has the puss puss. Rachel Maddow is scared. She's scared. I mean, what if, what if she gets it wrong and yells at somebody without a

mask who happens to actually be an ally? Easy. Just look at the short hair and if they smell like spilled beer and wet dogs or have purple hair, just assume they're vaccinated. Problem solved. John Cena. Work the balls. Kiss the asshole of

China. Very nice. We have a mass shooting in San Jose, California. Eight people are dead, and it's 91 degrees. That's like a weather report at this point. Epstein definitely, definitely killed himself while guards were on duty, and we still don't know what happened. AOC is a Vietnam War veteran and deserves benefits at the VA hospital.

What else is going on? I'm sick of Dave Chappelle's black and white photos with his crew on everyone's fucking Instagram. We get it. You're dramatic. There's cigarette smoke in your pictures. You're doing long-winded fucking speeches that

sound like you're Frederick Douglass or you're some fucking poet like T.S. Eliot. Get back to the jokes and put your fucking Instagram photos in color because you're starting to annoy me. You got $400 million. Go fuck yourself. Where's your Gilead Fake politics and the propaganda. Get his kids screwed in. Got a lot to say. Aw, shit. It's about to be a long day.

It's a long day. It's a long day coming. Every photo got to be in black and white. Okay, Donald Rawlings? I mean, every time I go to one of his crew's page, all the fucking tour photos have to be in fucking noir. It's like I'm watching a German film. It's like, Chappellepelle please just go color guy

you're a legend you're you're not in the 50s we have 4k right now okay let me see those let me see those nicotine stains under those eyes okay stop with the fucking black and white i just i've been dealing with it all pandemic and I've just fucking had enough of it. Him, Rock, Kevin Hart, they're all on the stage. And then Donnell's trying to peek his head up over him, but he's too short and he's in the back. We get it. Michelle Wolf, you guys are all there. Just put it in color. We don't got to fucking have a group photo every time you guys are comics we get it anyway what a time i just uh i just got back i did a three-hour facetime with john stamos feels like we're getting to know each other you know it was a lot of fun and um this is

gonna build some anticipation what we're gonna do is we're going to go to Los Angeles, and I'm going to dust off the wig. I'm going to dust off the Maurice wig, and Maurice is going to interview John Stamos as per John Stamos' request. So John Stamos wants to play what you call comment roulette with his career, and I am willing to facilitate. So that's what we will do. Huh? We've only FaceTimed. It's only been kind of a FaceTime thing. Um, we were supposed to meet up for lunch, but you know, he did the whole LA thing, um, where he was like, yeah, yeah, I can't, you know, I got in-laws coming in, you know's jews on the windows whatever you know he you know an airplane just fell into my backyard uh you know

i've got to save a couple children who you know my adopted kids from darfur trapped in the toilet la they just make excuse uh you know yeah there's a smoothie that got caught my daughter's face i got to get it out um oh rachel maddow's coming over and she's upside down in the basement and uh I don't know what to tell you Tom Cruise fucking flew a helicopter into my face so I can't make it right now but we did FaceTime for a while and me and John Stamos are hitting it off he watches the show so yes you got me how funny is that there's a lot of like Tim Dillon told me he went to lunch with the Winkle boss twins those two tall wasps who got fucked out of Facebook me he went to lunch with the Winkle boss twins, those two tall wasps who got fucked out of Facebook.

Yeah, they listen to his show. I mean, that's the thing. Chris Rock, I think he was on, what was it? The Golden Globes, the Oscars, the Grammys, some fucking award show that nobody knew happened and nobody cares about. Somebody told me the MTV Movie Awards still happened, and I was like, what the fuck?

I was like what the fuck i was like what the mtv movie awards were they hosted by who is that old guy kurt loger who is he the guy who hung around too long what was his name kurt warner kurt loger you know what i'm talking about he was like ah today in news uh somebody who's too young who i shouldn't be telling news about uh checked into rehab and her album's coming out next year and i'm kurt lorger kirk luger what was his name kurt lauder what do you think he's doing besides getting uh applesauce shoved in his face in an old folks home he he's the only dude that went from went from mtv straight into a retirement home. He didn't even get to enjoy like, hey man, I used to work at MTV. And not only did he go straight from MTV into a retired home, MTV became totally irrelevant, right? So like nobody even, I couldn't even remember his name.

And he was like a famous guy when I was Drew's age. You know what I mean? Like, could you remember Kurt Lauer? And how about the guy, Max Pinhead? What do you think? Max Pinhead is definitely fucking handing out a buzzer at Panera Bread. I mean, Max Pinhead has to have a part-time job as an Uber driver somewhere. Where's Max Pinhead? He pulled up fucking, yeah yeah that's the wrong pinhead

um yeah michael pinfeld whatever his name is yeah so um so we didn't meet up we didn't meet up but we we've been having a good time talking and he's a great guy i mean johnny is a great guy and it's just a very funny thing that made him becoming friendly because everyone says I look like him if he got hate in the face with a meat cleaver. You know the deal. My nickname is Special Needs Stamos.

So- Does he know that? He knows that. He knows that I'm the iPhone 2.0 and he's the iPhone 11. He knows. I'm not even the 10 and he's the 11. Like he's the 11 and I'm the two.

So like I'm the i'm the i'm the apple with the i'm the laptop apple and he's the iphone he gets it the only advantage i have over him is um that uh you know um i have a feeling that there's i was just searching for something i have over him, and there's not one fucking thing. That just is going to happen in life, guys. Not everyone's born equal, okay? John Stamos has those like just perfect, he's also like a very talented drummer who goes on tour with the Beach Boys and drums. And then on top of that, he takes special needs kids and pulls them up on stage and sings Beach Boy songs to them. So, I mean, not only is the guy a great guy, he's a handsome guy.

He's actually a funny guy. He's got comedic timing. And look at his wife. Yeah, Johnny, baby, you got nothing to complain about. In fact, you know what you should do, dog? Johnny, this is how good a dude he is from my this is what i sense from how good he did i think when he shows up to heaven he's gonna be like he's gonna be like i'm is there somebody else i'd be like come on like i

just i just came from heaven like i was i'm john stamos so it's like where i my life was kind of like i was like i'm he might even be bored of it be like more bliss I can't do this just send me to hell so I can try something different I want to struggle

a little bit why don't we put Jesse Scaturo through he's got a receding hairline and a mullet that'll work why don't we put Giannis Pappas through

he's got one eyeball he looks like a Greek myth Cyclops why don't we put Drew through, his air conditioning unit doesn't work in his truck. And he's graduating from New Jersey State University, which I mean, you might as well just have a,

you could have, that could be a degree from DeVry. What is it, Montclair? So me and John Stamos have been talking and we're gonna do that for sure i had a good time in los angeles and then i was i was in austin i was in austin which um they just voted in austin to get rid of all the tent cities which is a shame because there was so many of them i started to see them pop up on zillow because it's getting so pricey in austin i was actually looking at a couple of tents to Airbnb

before the tech boom goes in a full swing. I mean, those were going to be affordable housing. What are they going to do for affordable housing now? So they've voted 56% to get rid of the tent cities, to ban tents. Now, when I say there was tent cities, we never seen anything like that in New York because the thing about the East Coast

that kind of balances out homelessness is winter. They just freeze or they go underground or I don't know what happens. They come to San Diego or they go live in Venice or whatever. But when you go to any city with good weather, it's like half the population has homes and half the population doesn't.

Now, the population in't now the population in austin um the people just voted very liberal city austin so it was only like 53 this referendum passed where they're going to get rid of the homeless people um so in response to that the homeless people have just been taking bricks and throwing them through people's car windows so it's what you call a quid pro quo. You know, no tents, but you are missing a window. And you might have a little shard of glass on the baby seat. So that's the trade-off,

which is cool that Austin has so many homeless people because I think Joe Rogan, that's part of Joe Rogan's plan, is he's going to move there, and he's going to create like a zombie army. He's going to get all those fucking, all those homeless people into jujitsu and just create a fucking homeless army to just attack anyone who tries to come to Texas. So it's a good move.

It's a smart move. I support it 100%. So it was a good move. It's a smart move. I support it 100%. So, it was a good time. And I had an interesting thing happen to me today. Before we get into what's going on all over the world, which is what you guys tune in for, you know, this objective news that I give you. I had a very interesting thing happen to me

where I ordered sushi. I ordered sushi. Here's the thing when you use Grubhub or Seamless or any of these apps, they leave the sushi at your door and then they just tap out. They don't work for the restaurant. So if something goes wrong with your sushi order, you call the restaurant. They're like, we don't control that. call the driver he doesn't respond he treats you like an ex-girl who's

fucking somebody else he just leaves you unread like you don't exist after clearly he said your food is on the front door and then you're like hey man my food's not on the front door i think you sent it to the wrong house you just get no response until you order the second meal and he brings the second meal to your doorstep. And you're like, hey man, how come you're not responding to my texts? And he's like, I'm not in love with you anymore, man. Okay. That's over. That delivery is over. Move on. We're dealing with the present. Now I want to go see other people. I'm going to do more deliveries. Don't text me. And I'm like, I can't quit you. So what happened was this guy delivered a hundred dollars worth of sushi to the wrong house. Okay. Now, partly it was my fault because

I saw that I had put a different address in for some reason, for some kind of but i didn't put it in it would like automatically did it okay but i temporarily forgot my address is what i'm saying because i saw the wrong address and for a second i thought it was my address so i either have sleep apnea and i'm not getting enough oxygen to my head i have early onset dementia or i just don't care about the details in life because I'm just so lazy and I was in the middle of a bath yes I do sometimes bathe when I'm not even recording an episode that's how I like to relax so I noticed about an hour in that the sushi wasn't there so then I checked I was like what's going on I was like oh shit it went to a different house so then I got

out of the bath i got dry my wife's screaming at me because she wants a sushi and a woman who's been dining to a baby all day like when you order sushi she gets extra excited okay especially since she's been having sushi cravings since she's been pregnant she couldn't you can't eat raw fish when you're pregnant so then um like you know it's you know how like you know how like Charlie Sheen, like after he goes to rehab for like a year and then he does blow once and then it just goes off the rails

because he misses blow. That's how my wife is with sushi right now. She wants to eat sushi every meal, every day because she couldn't have it for nine months. So she starts screaming at me. She called me a fucking loser. She's like, you're too fucking lazy and disorganized and i'm like i'm disorganized to pay for this whole fucking house and she's like i don't give a shit about you because they she just doesn't give a shit about

me anymore because now there's a baby there so like i'm like useless now my dick is you know my dick is like it's like a banana peel like the dick served its purpose like you know what my dick is like? It's like a banana peel. Like the dick served its purpose. Like, you know, the fruit and the banana, you eat it and then you're just holding, you're just holding the banana peel. That's my dick. It served its purpose.

To her, it has no use. So she just looks at me like a banana peel that's supposed to order sushi and make things happen. So what do I do? What do I do? I don't just roll over and go, you know what? We didn't get our sushi. I'm gonna take this yelling.

I didn't yell back. Okay, I just went like this. You're mean. And she just called me a loser again. So I went, you're mean. You're talking to me mean. I actually said I'm gonna tell her parents, which was funny.

And she said, tell my parents you fucking loser. Can't even figure out the right address for sushi. So I'm getting a talking to by my younger wife. And I'm like, you know what? Let me go try to find the sushi to make. Because, you know, you just work for your wife. It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter who's paying for what.

You just work for your fucking wife. So I go out there in flip flops, right? And I'm walking around the neighborhood. Now, I live in a neighborhood where there's only a few people on the block. So I live in a type of neighborhood where if you see someone outside you pick up a gun it's one of those like who's everyone you get a gun you answer the door with a gun and like who are you what are you doing walking around so I'm aware of that and one of and then I've realized the address I put in is of a cop's house who lives across the street they have no fucking lights either that light up when you walk there pitch black and it's a cop's house right so I'm like

fuck I hope I don't a part of it in my mind you're going like I hope he doesn't shoot me by accident because I'm like walking onto his property unannounced right if he opens the door I'm just gonna pretend to be the Amazon guy right he's gonna be like where's your uniform and'm going to get shot, but at least I'll be able to maybe squiggle away. It's just different out in the country. You know what I'm saying? That's just the truth. If I saw someone walking in front of my house, looking around with his iPhone, trying to read the addresses on mailboxes, I'm just shooting.

I'm not asking questions. I'm just shooting. You just shoot first. It's just a true thing. So I walk over to the house and I ring the bell. Okay. Because obviously I don't see the sushi on the porch. So right away I'm going, shit, whoever lives, you know, the person who lives here, who was a cop and his wife, I know. I hope they don't watch this podcast. You're going to eat the sushi, right? That's the thing.

Okay. It's, it had been 45 minutes at this point. It's been 45 minutes since my app said it was delivered. I don't know why I continued to bathe for 40 minutes, except the fact that the temperature was just right and I was getting my groove back. It was just a good bath and I wasn't gonna cut it short. So whatever. I figured I could go find the sushi when I got out there. So I see the sushi on the porch and I ring the bell.

I should have just walked away so I wouldn't have had an awkward thing. The woman, the wife of the cop opens the door chewing. She's chewing. She's actually chewing. True story. She's like, she's chewing. There's like tuna hanging off her face and little pieces of caviar, like hanging on her whiskers. She's in her sixties. All right. You just don't wax as much the pandemic in 60s you don't care as much so there's a little i see like one like piece of caviar just hanging off a whisker and she's going i'm going like did you get um i'm sorry um i think my sushi was delivered to your house by any chance and she goes and this is what i knew right first of all she was chewing so it's

like what's the chances she's having dinner at the moment that my sushi's there secondly she goes it's a thou doth protest too much you know she goes no I just I made some chicken cutlet uh chicken chicken cutlet spaghetti she was like you know french fries uh there's broccoli there a little spinach uh some leftovers she started talking to me 10 minutes about her meal I'm like in my mind I'm like this bitch is eating my sushi and then I go here's the part. Then we have an awkward exchange where she keeps talking to me. She's like, yeah, I know your wife. I met your wife. And I'm going like, if this is the wrong part of me, still holding out hope because my wife is so angry at me. I want to come home a hero holding the sushi. So party holds out hope. You know what I mean? It's like, it's probably that moment when you're kidnapped and the kidnap, you know, the kidnapper is going to kill

you, but there's that little party that's going like, yeah, maybe he's got a heart. You know, it's probably like, you know, that just that moment where John Wayne Gacy is just biting into your nipple. Right. And you're going like, maybe he'll be satisfied. Maybe all he wanted was bite of my tit and that's it and he'll let me go but you're it's just hope it's faith right it doesn't exist like jesus and so there was a hope me going like maybe i got the wrong house so i said i go i say the address i go i think it was this address she goes listen to this she goes oh that's the next door that's what's his name blah blah she gives the name right so i go next door fuck and i ring the bell i hear the tv i see the lights on

guy doesn't answer the door so at this point i'm going this motherfucker is the one with the sushi he's not answering because he's eating the sushi and that's him, right? I had it wrong. Then this morning I get in my car with, you know, cause it's like, it was dark out. So I can't see everyone's address and you don't memorize people's address. You just, you know, so then I'm in my car this morning driving by and I notice it's her fucking address. So not only did she lie to me about the sushi, she sent me to another guy's house to ask him about the sushi and she lied to me about what his address is so now when i see this woman i just have to pretend like she didn't lie to me three times okay you eating the sushi was bad enough

then you fucking lied to me about what your address is. And you lied to me about everything else. So anyway, she ate the sushi. She ate a hundred dollars worth of sushi herself. I, cause I'm a, I'm a big kid. I order four rolls. So she must've just opened the door. She must've just saw on her ring camera. Um, some guy delivering the sushi and she at first was scared, probably got her gun, went out, probably fired a warning shot in the air.

That guy ran away. That's why he didn't answer my text because he's like, I'm not fucking answering this guy. They're shooting at me. And then she went out there and for her it was like, hmm, ah, you know?

Now, question. Somebody just said, she's a champ. Comment roulette. Fuck you're sexy when you're fired up thank you local space cadet somebody's saying bold lol i say good for her see that's the thing i would have i wouldn't have eaten the sushi would you have eaten the sushi drew your brother would have fucking eaten the sushi for sure 45 your brother would have eaten the sushi, Drew? In 45 minutes. Your brother would have fucking eaten the sushi for sure. 45 minutes. Your brother would have taken the sushi

and resold it for double the price. No, my brother would have ate it in front of you when you were at the door. Right, he would have just ate it and been like, what are you going to do about it? Exactly. Would you have ate it? We're on a podcast.

You got to go quick. After a certain time, like 45 minutes, then yeah. And then I would have said like, sorry, I ate it. I like it. See, you would have told the truth. I would have been not paid though. See, that's honest. I like it. So you would have told the truth. I would have been not paid though. I would have said that's your problem. That's honest.

I like that. So he gave it a time limit, 45 minutes. And then if someone asked him like, oh, I ate it. Yeah. That's an honest guy. Jesse, would you have ate it? Or what would you have done if I came to the door? Would you have lied?

Yeah. You would have lied. Yeah. Just with a mouthful going like, oh, Harper. Yeah. You would have walked out with chopsticks like this. Just going like this. I don't know what happened. You would have walked out with chopsticks like this just going like this. I don't know what's going on.

How funny would it have been if I was like, if she said, I just had chicken parmesan spaghetti and what if I was just like, do you mind if I take a look around? You mind if I take a look around? On garbage night?

Yeah. If I was just looking over her shoulder. Yeah, I was just kind of looking to see in the kitchen. And she just was trying to hide, you know, trying to go like, no, it's just, you know, meatballs. Or actually, I might have not answered the door at all. That's actually how she went, not maybe.

That's what the second guy did. I wouldn't have eaten it at all. I don't think I would have eaten somebody else's sushi because I, here's the reason why. I'm so paranoid. I would have been like, what sushi because I, here's the reason why. I'm so paranoid. I would have been like, what's this sushi doing there? Who's this sushi? Is someone trying to convince me to eat this sushi?

That would be a really great way to kill me. You know what I mean? Sushi Unabomber. Yeah, if there was just like a rival podcast out there that's had enough of my shit, you know? They've heard me mention their name too many times or whatever. Like, who was I talking about at the beginning? What if Dave Chappelle just sent me sushi say you know what motherfucker you know you're tired of my black and white photos and he just fucking put poison in sushi and the next

thing you know drew's up here filling in going like what's up guys i like soup soup's the thing and you know i'm just like talking like an autistic kid for 45 minutes. That would have been it. Okay, guys, pandemic's over. Everyone's a little stressed out. You were even stressed out during the pandemic. Modern day life is stressful because things are way too easy. And that gives us a lot of anxiety. What do I do? Like again, everybody who sponsors my podcast, I use them. You know I'm an anxious kid. I like to spiral. I go down spirals where I overthink. I can't sleep. I hit that CBD, okay? You got to have a little CBD in your life to calm you down.

It works. You got to go with my company, Sunday Scaries, okay? What you do, just to let you know off the bat, you go to sundayscaries.com and you use the promo code YANIS, Y-A-N-N-I-S. You see it right there. That's 25% off at sundayscaries.com, promo code my name, YANIS. All right? And you get yourself some CBD. It's great for handling your anxiety. You're having trouble sleeping. Your boss is hanging over your back.

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And I'm 220 right now. So Sunday Scaries, okay? If you get those Scaries and you want to do away with your anxiety, get your CBD products at sundayscaries.com. 25% off with the promo code Giannis. So it's maskless now. It's masked or vaxxed. Masked or vaxxed, right?

That's what Joe Biden said. I know this is going to be hard for a lot of you people. Hold on. This is, I don't know if you guys watched Rachel Maddow. This was, it was like her personal 9-11 speech. You remember when Jon Stewart aired on 9-11 night? 9-11 speech. You remember when Jon Stewart aired on 9-11 night? This was like Rachel Maddow's post 9-11 speech when it was announced that you could walk outside without masks if you were vaccinated. She said, you know, this is gonna be hard for some people

because, you know, you're gonna see people and, you know, you're not gonna know and you're not going to know, you're not going to instantly know that they are fucking idiots who work for the other side. They basically work for the Russians. If you see a guy without a mask before Biden said you could take your mask off,

you're basically just staring right into the eyes of Vladimir Putin. Staring right at Vladimir Putin. You're staring right into Donald Trump Jr.'s eyes. Part of it is that I feel like I'm going to have to rewire myself so that when I see somebody out in the world who's not wearing a mask, I don't instantly think you are a threat or you are selfish or you are a COVID denier and you definitely haven't been vaccinated. I mean, we're going to have to rewire the way that we look at each other because the CDC's guidance, which she just told me we are sure is that if you're vaccinated, you don't need to wear a mask except in very specific circumstances.

So, you know, you got to do. You know what you got to do. You got to put them on notice. You're going to want to call a social worker to come handle the situation and make them mask up. Mask up. I actually saw an article in Vox, not Fox, Vox,

which goes the other way as Fox. And the article said, what to know about fall, what was it, fall, COVID surge in fall. That was the headline. The upcoming surge of COVID in fall. You can find it. And I just looked at the phone right at the article

and I spoke right to Fox and I said, Fox, just say to COVID, I can't quit you. I just looked at the phone right at the article and I spoke right to Vox and I said, Vox, just say to COVID, I can't quit you. Just say COVID fear mongering. I can't let go. I can't quit you. Comment roulette, CCP only people who are mask and vax. You're on fucking notice, bro.

Thank you very much. Why are you wearing your mask right now? I'm not wearing a mask. Joe Biden wants us to wear a mask with a text on it saying, I'm vaccinated. At this point, you know what I mean? At this point,

everyone who's older and vulnerable has been vaxed. And if you haven't been vaxed, remember my rule. I think it's a good one. If you have not been vaxed, especially if you haven't been vaxxed, remember my rule. I think it's a good one. If you have not been vaxxed, especially if you're vulnerable and you need to go to the hospital,

I think the ambulance shows up and goes, how come you're not vaxxed? And if they're like, I spoke to Marjorie Taylor Greene and she told me the Nazis were coming and they were going to throw me in a concentration camp after cross-fit practice then you go you're gonna have to recover at home and then you walk out you walk out okay because all vulnerable people are vaxxed so that person

could even walk around supposedly with covid coughing everywhere you know obviously that's not ideal but that's the same thing with other sicknesses. People go out when they're sick, people get it, but we're vaccinated. We have major layer of protection. Like even if you get COVID after you vaccinated, supposedly you're not going to be hospitalized. You're not going to get sick. The chances are almost zero that you're going to die from it, which is as good as it can get guys okay we can't achieve nobody dying okay people are going to die okay okay so let's open open the country up at this point i mean it's kind of like you know i'm kind of embarrassed for my city a little bit like when you go to austin and shit

like that and they're full capacity i mean it was a nice thing to see the Knicks game, you know, 15,000, you know? And the Cuomo book's coming out. So that's great. That's great. And Chris Cuomo admitted that he gave his brother advice on how to beat the scandal. Do you remember that?

And he apologized. He apologized to CNN. Apology accepted. Fredo. You got to give him. I respect him for trying to step to that guy and saying that Fredo's like the N-word for Italians. Fredo's like the N-word for Italians except it's named after a fictional movie

and it was played by an actor and it was said by Al pacino and it doesn't exist yeah so he's um his book coming out um how to survive sexual harassment scandals and kill old people while taking the credit for saving them no here's a here's a good title for his book. Here's a good title. Ready, Jess? His book should be called Do As I Say, Not As I Do. Does that not encompass it? That would be perfect. And instead, it's called American Crisis. And of course, he's there with his hands crossed, you know, because he rose to the occasion

and really reached out and grabbed some ass cheeks. Look at him grabbing it right there. Yeah, there he goes. He's grabbing. So, Rachel Maddow, I know this is a difficult time for you. I know this is a difficult time for a lot of people in a lot of neighborhoods and cities. Here's the thing, guys. if you see someone with purple hair blue hair someone who's overweight um someone who you can't

tell whether a girl or boy someone who appears to be female with hairy legs and they don't have a mask, you can assume they're vaccinated and they're an ally, okay? If you see someone wearing a shirt, okay, and that shirt says feminist with a middle finger on it and they don't have a mask, you can assume that they're vaccinated. If you see anyone walking in your neighborhood who is white, because I assume the neighborhood you live in is very expensive, and usually those neighborhoods, by eyesight, tend to be more white,

and those neighborhoods tend to be more liberal, you can pretty much assume, okay, if they're getting into a Tesla and they're not wearing a mask, that they're vaccinated. You're not dealing with the enemy. You're not dealing with a foe. I know this was hard. I know Rachel Maddow was very concerned about a lot of you having to adapt, okay, because it's going to be very jarring to see people without a mask because your first instinct is going to go, you fucking Russian, you fucking Trump moron.

Put your fucking mask on. Do you not care about people? Do you not care about people, sir? But you don't have to do that unless you see somebody wearing a bathing suit, no shirt, Tampa tattoo, and flip flops. Or if you see a guy with a sleeveless shirt, okay, Derek G, New Jersey, Yankee hat, little bit of a gut, holding a Budweiser, and smoking a cigarette, okay?

Then you can assume that that guy never wore a mask. Ask him how he pronounced his mask. And if he goes, I don't wear no masks, just know that he may not be vaccinated. But he's probably going to die soon of sudden cardiac arrest because he's got sleep apnea, not from birth, from just the amount that he drinks. And he's going to have a heart attack from 3 a.m. to 6 a.m., which is when heart attacks usually happen for people who have sleep apnea. So you don't have to worry.

John Cena is starring in a movie. What is it? Fast and the Furious 72? Yeah. I don't even think we should call it Hollywood anymore. I think we should just call it the Fast and the Furious 72? Yeah. I don't even think we should call it Hollywood anymore. I think we should just call it the Fast and the Furious factory. You know how Tesla has the Tesla factory? Why don't we just call Hollywood

Fast and the Furious factory? Because that's the only movie that they make that makes money. I mean, it's Fast and the Furious. What movie was it? I'm sure there's Cars and Explosions and The Rock is in it at some point. Fast and the Furious.

It's Fast and the Furious. So yeah, I guess, right. I didn't even know because I didn't read the article because I don the rock is in it at some point. Fast and furious. It's fast and furious. So yeah, I guess, right. I was, I didn't even know. Cause I didn't read the article because I don't read anything that John Cena's in. Like I don't affiliate John Cena with reading. Okay. I don't just like,

there's, there's no books or words affiliated with John Cena when he walks into his fucking jean shorts to his own rap song. I'm not into it. Okay. I'm with Jimmy superfly snooker when wrestlers were wrestlers and they had a murder charge that nobody knew about. We looked the other way

because the guy could fucking fly off the top ring. Okay? That's my day. Where all the guys had tiny little pieces because they did steroids and they dropped dead at 42 either from a cage match or because their heart exploded

because they were on so much fucking juice. Or they had a murder charge. mean randy savage is dead i think he died at 17 you know how many guys are dead the heart brothers i mean they blew didn't one wrestler blow his family when they blew his brains out those are my wrestlers guys had a little grit to them you know what i'm saying not these new who are going, you smell what the rock is cooking and then he puts his eyebrow and then he's in a movie with Charlize Theron. That's not my era. My era is Big John Studd.

You know where Big John Studd is right now? Outside doing meth with Rick Rude. Those are my guys. The only guy that made it out of my era of watching wrestling is Diamond Dave Page and he started a yoga class. Ric Flair. Ric Flair's dead.

Ric Flair has the same anatomic heart that is keeping Dick Cheney alive going. Yeah, Big John Studd. Where's Big John Studd? He's on meth. Andre the Giant, dead. Hulk Hogan. I think Hulk Hogan's wife left him for their son's friend. Okay?

And Hulk Hogan made, Hulk Hogan's got a decent piece, though, which you would expect from a six-foot-six kid from Florida. Made a second. Now, John Cena, this is not my era. This is your era, Drew, of these coif, like, movie star wrestlers. You know what I'm talking about, Jesse? We had Dusty Rhodes. The guy couldn't stay away from a fucking barbecue.

We had Rowdy Roddy Piper who just looked like a normal guy. Jake the Snake Roberts who smoked crack. The only one who made it out is Diamond Day Page. And I don't even remember his name. Diamond Dolls Page. Yeah, Triple D, right? And he started a yoga class that tries to help Rick Rude because Rick Rude got on pills.

They got paid nothing. Those were ballplayers. That was like when Duke Schneider just lived in your upstairs basement apartment. You know, when baseball players got paid nothing. That was our era. It was called WWF. And, you know, that was when the McMahon family

was behind the scenes just stealing everyone's money. Just getting paid a lot. You'd wake up on Sunday morning and you'd watch wrestling and it would all be bad matches. It would be like some guy named Ted Stevenson fighting against the Junkyard Dog.

So you knew the Junkyard Dog was gonna die. I mean, the Junkyard Dog. So you knew the Junkyard Dog was going to die. I mean, the Junkyard Dog now, I mean, definitely in prison, right? I mean, Junkyard Dog didn't start a business. These guys all, tables, ladders, and chairs, baby. Exactly. Wolfpack, NWO. Come on, kick me. I'm looking down.

It is comment roulette where I look down and whatever I read I see my baby can only fall asleep listening to this pod very nice living in a one bedroom walk up

exactly he died in a car accident so Junkyard Dog's dead so John Cena one of the now he's a movie star too he started in the Amy Schumer movie

and now look at him now he's a fucking action hero supposedly he made a big no no He's a movie star too. He started in the Amy Schumer movie and now, look at him now. He's a fucking action hero. Supposedly, he made a big, no, no. John Cena.

Sorry, John Cena. So he referred to Taiwan as a country, which if you know your geopolitics, that is what you call a no-no because China wants Taiwan. I think they've kind of de facto taken it. We've covered that. If you guys don't know what I'm talking about,

I mean, it's expected. So he accidentally referred to Taiwan as its own country, which a lot of Taiwanese people do see themselves as their own country, but China doesn't see it that way. So John Cena then proceeded to make what you call a video of him kissing the dick. It's called a kissing the dick. Work the balls nice, kiss the tip, you know, circle the asshole a few times just really work that dick where he apologized in Chinese to the Chinese people and John Cena doesn't speak Chinese I have one mistake. Everyone asks me if I can use Chinese.

I have one mistake. I have to say it now. It's very, very, very, very important. The studio must have gone, listen to me, you fucking pituitary case. You steroid fucking meathead from Jacksonville, Florida, okay? The only reason you're a star is because Vince McMahon fucking, you know,

was able to finger pop your wife or whatever he likes to do to make people sign the contract. Listen to me, you fucking meathead from Jacksonville. You just insulted our entire fucking audience. We're not making this movie for Americans anymore. They can't afford to go to the movies, okay? They're robbing each other in the street and shooting each other. There's no food. They don't even have real money. They're investing in monopoly money right now. The only people who go to the movies are Asian, so you

can't make that fucking mistake. You understand you fucking budget Hulk Hogan, nobody with your fucking gap jean shorts and your high. Nobody cares. I mean, his, isn't his, his, his, his persona is just a cultural appropriator. He's wise Sean. Yeah. Nobody cares. So here's the deal. I want you to learn Chinese in two days or we're going to shoot your wife in the head,

the one that Vince McMahon finger popped, and we're going to kill your entire family, all your cousins, and we're going to take out all of Jacksonville and you will never work again.

And he went, I keep confusing Japanese and Chinese. I apologize. I apologize. Hold on. Let me learn Chinese and apologize. Do you see him talking? Now I need to learn Mandarin and I need to issue an apology for mixing up Japanese and Chinese. I know you see him talking now. I, I,

now I need to learn Mandarin and I need to issue an apology for mixing up Japanese and Chinese. I apologize because I know this podcast sells very well over there. So if you didn't think for one second, that CCP China is in control of us. First of all, you didn't watch the last episode of Yanni Long Days Before Surge where I told you that they are the sugar daddy

and we're the ho. This is a good example of an American movie star. Why is he apologizing? Why? Is it because John Cena's just a sensitive guy who feels like he really made a big mistake? It's the same reason why all the NBA players backtracked real quick.

Remember that GM for Houston was like, you know what, they're cutting Muslims' heads off or whatever they're doing over there. They're disappearing these oogars. And David Stern was like, yeah, yeah, can I talk please? Hello, Houston. We have a problem. Yeah.

Um, tell your general manager that yeah, Bubby, Bubby. No. What's his name? Tell him to shut his fucking mouth or else I'm going to come over there, put the condition that I'll put them, I'll put them away for good. I'll put them away for good. That is, we don't talk about China okay bubby we got business over there

it's a lot of money good night now I want to apologize to the Jewish community Moslemach Pesedek Baruch Adotay Nachalim Baruch Adotay Nachalim

Moslem Jerusalem so i apologize to you as well um elliot page handsome but needs a sandwich do you think this is something that her publicist saw the photo and was like i think we should have waited for her to put on a little weight elliot elliot i send my elliot to the world i guess i will i love your arab bits thank you i noticed appreciate you good looking kid i appreciate you you're your old dude cold cuts are bad for you um thank you mazel brah you're officially a man now somebody who knows that i did the beginning of a bar mitzvah because that's you know i had so many jewish friends i knew i knew that part but Baruch hara tov and elchenu melech melech melech sheinu. Did you get bar mitzvahed?

Yeah. You did? Of course. Listen, here's the thing. No matter how unobservant a Jewish kid is, yeah, when 15 rolls around, he's like, wait a second. So how much do I get?

Okay, let me learn. Torah, baruch hara tov and elchenu melech. So you're telling me I gotta fucking learn this thing in one hour and I make 15 Gs? Yeah. I tell you,

I tried to get a bar mitzvah when I was 15. You know? I have a circumcised dick. How else do they recognize if you're Jewish? There's no other real way to prove I'm not Jewish except by looking and see if I'm caught. And I'm caught. Are you caught?

Of course. Of course. They cut Catholics? Yeah. Yeah, that's what the priests prefer. Yeah, exactly. They made that decision a long time ago. They're like, ew.

It's not as aesthetically pleasing, right? Pontius? Pontius? Doesn't like, um, don't, what are they called? I totally forgot, so be on my mind. Like the priests for Jewish people. Oh, the rabbis.

The rabbis, don't they like do something about with the circumcision? Yeah, they use their mouth but that's um but that's the correct way yeah it's not all rabbis right i think it's like the orthodox jews they do it the correct way yeah with the with their mouth yeah yeah they use their mouth to suck it off or cut it off right uh is that true the oilsles? Maybe some of the ultra-orthodox. The ultra-orthodox. The ones that are wearing wool today in 91. Yeah.

I bet you they sweat less because they're just used to it. They look at us in shorts going, oh, it's hot, and they probably just go, pussies. You know? I mean, they don't know.

Dude, they dress like they're still in Poland in the 13th century, so they give a shit less. They could give a shit less about the fucking weather. They don't even know what century it is. So the lab leak hypothesis is catching some heat. So this was, if you uttered this a couple years ago,

you were a Russian spy and you were spreading disinformation. a Russian spy, and you were spreading disinformation. Now, this shows you why it's so dangerous to ban disinformation. And for that, who's the arbiter of that? I do agree that disinformation is very harmful. There needs to be some way to credit. My opinion is I need to be able to tell the difference between a real journalist and a fake one. Just because you post something

or some gazette bought it doesn't mean you're an accredited journalist. Like why are you just because you wrote something? Like you know in comedy like you have to there's like you get passed

and like other comedians know you're funny and you have some experience under your belt. Every field and journalists used to be the same way. They had to graduate

from journalism school, then they were accredited, they were hired by an organization. Now you have all these independent guys just running around, you know,

sitting on their fucking bed Googling shit, writing an article based on some podcast they fucking listened to and they Googled a few things. That's their research. And so there has to be

some sort of way to tell the difference between that fucking guy and somebody who's like out in the field getting the real story, who's being held accountable by the organization they work from because they have some sort of standard. That's the way you do it

if you're asking my opinion, okay? That is my opinion. So I understand disinformation is dangerous, but I also understand that it's equally as dangerous to censor or to subdue or to, what's the word I'm looking for? Submerge. You know what I'm talking about. Do away with what is considered misinformation or disinformation because here's a story here that it kind of changed. Things kind of changed a little bit, okay? This story went through a transition, if you will. This story is trance. It went from false

and then it changed its truth value to probably true. So if you haven't heard it, there was some good American intelligence that suggested that a few lab workers, you know, what, around November or December or something like that, right before the pandemic hit, got very ill, mysteriously very ill. Here's the situation okay there is a lab in wuhan where they fuck with viruses the virus emerged a stone's throw away from that lab um if it didn't leak from the lab that would would be conspiracy. You'd go, wait, what? A bat ate a penguin and then Bill Gates, his asshole opened up. It went in there, mixed into the stew of that.

He got a divorce and then COVID. That would be a conspiracy. You know what I'm saying that would be like that would be like you stealing my car me seeing my car in your driveway and me going hey man you stole my car and you going

I did not steal your car and you're going why the fuck's it in your driveway and you're going because I ate a bat I ate a bat and can we can we label what

you just said as disinformation and that's it that's the end of the story so now that now actually fauci's even saying hey we got to look into this biden saying he wants to launch an investigation put it wants to make a top priority to find out the origin of this virus. I think it's pretty clear it came. I mean, common sense and street smarts, like I just said, you're going like, that would be a huge coincidence. That would be a huge coincidence if it didn't come from the lab. So then it becomes, was it intentional or not intentional?

That's a more difficult question. Of course, that question will never be it was intentional, even if it was, and we find out through intelligence that it was, because, because, I will say this in Chinese. I'm sorry for even suggesting such a thing. Because we are their bitch. And that's the end of that story. Such a thing could never even be suggested at this point.

We're so intertwined with China and they run our shit. And I just asked John Cena. That's what it is, man. You get into the business. You get into the business. You want to wrestle. Your dream comes true. And then you just don't know when to just feel blessed.

And then the offer comes fast and furious. Yeah, I want to be fast and furious. Are you fucking kidding me? Is Ludacris in this one? Yeah. I'm going to play Paul Walker's ghost? Yeah. And then the next thing you know,

you're just learning Chinese to apologize to the Chinese government. It happens that quick. It happens that quick. So UFOs are also have been confirmed. I think it's absolutely hilarious that we live during such a coddled and spoiled time. The amenities of modernity have made us such narcissists that who would have thought that the government would finally admit that UFOs are an absolute real thing

and it would be on 60 Minutes, which is probably the only legit news program left, and one of the Navy pilots would admit that he would see them almost every day, and the people of this country would go like this. Eh, okay, so are we doing Grubhub or Seamless? Nobody fucking cares, dog. I mean, we should right now be preparing how we're going to defend ourselves

against these creatures who are going to come and take over our planet. But maybe the reason we're not upset is because we know that they're not. Because if you were an alien, would you be interested in this pile of shit? You know what I'm saying? That would be like, that would be like me craving a 99 cent slice of pizza. That's like, we're like dollar pizza in the universe. I bet you there's fucking DeFaros and Lucali out there. And then you got Papa John's, which when you're in your 20s and at college, you throw a little mayonnaise or ranch on and you deal with it and you think it's good.

But it's better to step up from dollar pizza. But yeah, I mean, there's plenty of footage. The government has admitted that UFOs are real. They cannot explain these objects in the sky, the way they move. They certainly say they exist and they did move this way and we have no explanation for it. And my favorite is they're going like, either it's an enemy craft that we need to be concerned about or it's something we can't identify and you're going like okay here's the deal we know it's not an enemy craft because if that was an enemy craft we'd all be speaking russian right now it would just be a wrap they wouldn't just fucking use that

use that technology to just have navy pilots see them so we know it's otherworldly we know it's a ufo the question is what are they doing and here the thing. We have to explain all theories. We have to explore all theories and possibilities. Now, I've done some deductive reasoning and I've figured out what they're doing. Okay. What are they doing? Well, let's examine. They hover around, they hover around, and then they bounce. What are they doing? Obviously, they're jerking off to us. They're jerking off to us, and then once they bust a nut, they leave. They're no longer interested. Makes sense. Yeah, where are their porn? What do you do when you're done with your porn? Do you sit there and watch the rest of the fucking movie? Do you sit there to see the next scene? No, you close your laptop or you clear your internet history on your phone, right? God forbid you forget that. So you clear your internet history

and then you feel shameful for a second or two, right? of waddle you kind of you waddle up and hold you you know if you came on your belly you kind of just waddle over get yourself a nap and clean yourself up like the fucking piece of shit that you are and then you go get a cup of water or uh you start watching some more wholesome programming like let me see what's going on in sports center or let me check in on uh i haven't finished money heist yet and it's completely erased from your memory what you just did we pull a men in black so quick we just erase it because it's such a shameful visual of us just sitting there fucking feet together that as soon as you're done,

you pretend like it didn't happen. So that's exactly what the UFOs are doing, right? They come, they nut, and then they just bounce. You know, they're just gone. What other explanation is plausible? There is none. I'm just using what you call deductive reasoning

to figure out what's going on. Eric says, I jerk off to aliens so it's mutual uh jacob saggart says false flag alien invasion coming up because he's yes okay so here we go it's just not going to stop with some of these people i mean the government admits that they're aliens and and this guy's going, well, you know what? You know what they're doing? They're planning for a false flag operation, and that's the way they steal all the children, to put them into the adrenochrome machines. What are these adrenochrome machines?

Well, I don't know if you've ever been to 7-Eleven, brother. You ever see those slurpy machines? Well, what they do is they use a similar type of device where they hook the child up to the slurping machine. And what they do is they show the child Friday the 13th movies to get his adrenaline growing. And then they suck the blood out and all the hormones are released, brother. And then Tom Hanks comes in and has his lunch.

And Tom Hanks comes in and has his lunch. You know what's so funny about that? Is because people have been wanting the government to admit that there's UFOs for so long. So they've been going, we know you're hiding something. We know you're lying. And the government's going, yes, we've been lying. We've been hiding it. And this kid goes, you know what?

Here's another conspiracy. The reason why they're inventing aliens is because they're going to do a false flag operation. Because let me tell you something. If the government can pull off a false flag, simulated, animated 3D UFO invasion, then they deserve to subjugate us. If I look at the sky and I believe that it's an alien invasion and that's not really there, it's just a hologram and Tupac is leading the invasion, well then, take my free will. But you got to respect Americans in their spirit too, like, because this guy's, you know, this guy's not that bright, you know, like most of Americans. We just have a, we have a public school system where they serve fucking you know bologna sandwiches and snickers bars and people go in there coked up you know when you're a kid you're having a snickers bar that's like giving a fucking kid a

line of cocaine and telling them to go learn math it's like here's a slice of pizza filled with sugar in the dough here's a snickers bar and then you can wash that down with some skittles and then they're going now we want you to calm down and listen to math. And they're sitting there going, of course we're fucking stupid. This kid's obviously not that fucking bright, but you got to respect his American spirit that he's going like, I'll rebel against anything, brother. Freedom or death. Fucking aliens, Joe Biden, Kamala, whatever comes on my property, I'm fucking shooting it, brother. That includes any communist fucking winds that blow. I'll take you out, brother. I'll take you out.

If I'm walking that way and the wind's blowing this way, impeding my freedom to walk forward, I will put a bullet in that wind's ass, brother. A bullet that's painted red, white, and blue. This guy just goes, this is my favorite guy right here he goes we're all just dumb bro fucking do something about it that's a guy i'd like to hang out with because he's fun i mean he's a stupid guy he's a guy you could convince to jump off the roof to see if he bounces be like yo cuz you had a couple beers from what i understand the government's just been lying to us telling us if you jump off a roof, you don't bounce. But that's just a Fauci lie.

Why don't you jump, and I bet you bounce up at least three floors, and he's gonna fucking hold my beer. Fucking crazy Jets. Fucking Jets lost that. Anyway, let me try something else. And he fucking just goes, do something about it.

Yanni, love on the subway and can't hear, but still want to say hi. There's someone watching from the subway. So we have a very local fan base. Somebody right now is just sitting on an F train watching and not hearing.

So how about this? Fuck you. Someone wants me to talk about Palestine. Is that what you want? You want Yannis Pappas to weigh in? Is that what we need?

By the way, a ceasefire. So why do Ias to weigh in? Is that what we need? By the way, a ceasefire. So why do I even need to weigh in on it? There was a ceasefire, guys. And Israel and Palestine has finally found peace. It's over. It's over, thank God. It's over. Finally, the war and the tension

in the Middle East is over praise Allah praise Yahweh we found a solution the violence is over I knew it could happen one day and it's happened

Yasser Arafat is somewhere in Muslim heaven taking a breather in between fucking his 72 virgies and just giving a thumbs up and David Ben-Gurion is holding his thumb up

and they're just going like this and they're playing footsies with their thumbs I don't know what happens in Jewish heaven you guys don't believe in heaven right? I don't know you don't know

you're the worst Jew but you showed up for Jew class when the bar mitzvah came, right? Yeah, you're one of those Jews who are like, wait, there's money involved in this one? Yeah, call me a Jew for three days. And then the rest of the time,

you know, I'm going to be reading what the what and listening to fucking David Copperfield. What's the guy everyone reads? The spiritual guy? Come on, man. Come on, man. Everyone's like, you got to read this guy.

Jewish? No, he's not a jewish he's like a writer like have you read david blaine or whatever his name is copeland or something he's like some spiritualist he writes books he's like an eckhart tolle type uh come on he's like he's like a christian but like a new one joel osteen no not joel osteen who i love i mean a kid crushes do you think joel Osteen does a late show? Do you think Joel Osteen does a late show like a comedian? Like he does an early show where he's like,

there's moms there and stuff, so he cleans it up a little bit. And then at the midnight show, Joel Osteen's like, open your Bible to page 676. Okay, I'm gonna need a volunteer, preferably a woman. Okay, we're gonna fuck the demon out of ya

demon be gone we're gonna create a human centipede chain and we're gonna fuck the demon out one next one fuck it out yeah demon be gone demon be gone and they're like yo cuz if you saw fucking Joel Osteen at the 8 o'clock show

you gotta check out the midnight show he fucks people on stage dog I mean he talks to devils I out the midnight show he people on stage dog i mean he talks to devils i mean the midnight show is uncensored and litty hey my sister last night cuz she doesn't act weird anymore i'd watch before that she was doing drugs and listening to marilyn manson and now she turned on you know there it goes no what's that what was the guy he kind of tricked us with that song and then you found out he was christian rock and then we hated it go down the white guy they all sing like that raspy voice he had who's the famous Christian rock band? Come on. Me?

Creed. And what was that song? There Goes My Hero. No, that's not the one. Can you take me higher? How funny is that? The first time we heard it, we were like, yeah, dog. Oh, fuck, yeah.

Take me higher. And then he does his interview, and he's he's like yeah I just want to give all my love to Jesus my wife who I don't cheat on and we've put four Christians into the world and we go to church every Sunday

and we're like yo dog I thought you were talking about doing mushrooms you're no longer cool I liked that song until I found out

it was Christian rock because that song kind of that song kind of rips can you take me higher he tricked us dude we got catfished. We got catfished. We got, we got, you can't, cause you can't like a Christian rock song and be lit.

You can't be lit and listen to Christian rock at the same time. Christian rock is something you live a lit life and then you turn to Christian rock. Christian rock is something you live a lit life and then you turn to christian rock christian rock is something you turn to after real rock has ruined your entire life so your wife is gone your child you gave away for gambling money and everything is gone and your life's a wreck and you smoke so much cigarettes you got a robotic lung and then that's when you find Jesus. Who the fuck, here's the deal with Jesus, okay? Let me talk to Christians for a second. Jesus forgives. He forgives.

So why the fuck would you not party right up until the very end and then ask for forgiveness? That's my philosophy. Yeah, why would you not sin? Okay, he's gonna love you either way. So why don't you get Liddy? And then when you're ready, be like, I'm so sorry for all that I did, Jesus.

And he's like, I forgive you because I'm Jesus and I love you. And you're like, Liddy. And then you're fucking going party in heaven. It's like this is the end in heaven. White dudes are funny, aren't they? Liddy. Devil horns. Every picture, devil horns, devil horns, devil horns.

Liddy. funny aren't they litty devil horns every picture devil horns devil horns devil horns litty oh man so seth rogan says uh you know if you did a if you did a bad joke just change with the times guy um you know just like if if you did a joke that doesn't age well just admit it move on. So what do you guys think? Seth Rogen. Has Seth Rogen been outside by himself in like 10 years? All I do is I follow him on Instagram and the guy's making fucking ashtrays. He does fucking ashtrays every day.

These people in Hollywood are so high off adrenochrome. They don't go outside. It's like I'm supposed to take advice from John Stamos. John Stamos can't walk the street. John Stamos is going, how come I haven't heard of you? He's like, you're so funny.

I don't know if you've noticed, John, but being a white guy is a crime in Hollywood. It's not the 80s anymore, guy. They see my white face and they go, he's a Republican. Even though I'm not. What do you mean you haven't heard of me it's not like hollywood's been knocking down the door to create another white dude movie let's make dudes wear my car four with yannis pappas and mark norman there's no more dudes whereas my car it's all woke-ish, you know, brownish, lady-ish, trans-ish.

You're not going to see just, you know, hey dude, where's my car? Our time is over, as it should be. Eric197777 wants everyone to know that he'd go down on John Stamos. Yanni's a prophet uh someone said i'm gonna write a show called whitish oh man so i mean seth seth rogan has he's just making fucking ashtrays dog here's the thing about his ashtrays too he's making the same ashtray over and over again you've seen it right i, he's lost his mind. All he does is smoke weed and make fucking ashtrays, okay?

So it's like, guy, you got $400 million. You're a movie star from an era that's over, okay? It's like you're making ashtrays all day. You're not really the one who's out there on the front lines doing comedy and stand-up clubs. You don't got your finger on the pulse, okay? Daniel Day-Lewis. Daniel Day-Lewis is sitting there making boots in Italy,

and you're sitting in fucking Woodland Hills making the same fucking ashtray over and over again. Look at all these fucking ashtrays, dude. They're all the same. Yeah. Good color. Yeah, and here's the thing thing you don't have the talent for it dog because those ashtrays are not that litty they look like vases oh you moved on the vases because that's what the world needs dog we don't have enough vases like i can't go to fucking ikea and get 14 vases for three3. I need a fucking vase made by Seth Rogen, my favorite comedic actor. Go back to the,

go, keep going to keep, go down to the ashtrays, the ashtrays. He makes the same. No, keep scrolling back. Yeah.

And he makes them all like that. So you can hold it. Yeah. So you hold it there and then you put it in there. So it's like a coffee cup with a, with a cigarette holder. It's very cool. They're very cool, dog.

But you know what? Somebody who has the passion to make the same ashtray over and over and over again. And dog, look at his beard. He hasn't been outside. You can't go outside if you're Seth Rogen. People are going to do, look at this dude, man. I mean, he looks like he just got pulled out of Osama bin Laden's cave.

He's just, the thing, I've been pulled out of Osama bin Laden's cave. He's just, the thing, I've been noticing that about people when they talk about things, they don't take into account like how insulated they are from the real world, you know? And they don't take a second to think about their opinion may just not be right because they've never experienced it.

It's like, dude, he was like, you know, he was like dude he was like you know he was famous when he was like in his early 20s right the 40 year old virgin yeah i mean he just went he didn't he just went straight to fame so very funny guy very funny guy but you get a little out of touch when you get a couple milo when you get a couple mil in fame you get a little out of touch you know you don't know what you know you don't know what you you really don't know what taco bell is bringing back you don't ask seth rogan like hey man what's taco bell bringing back and what's san antonio like this type of year okay because this kid goes from the hamptons to la to fucking la and that's it that's all he doesn't you know

maybe monaco once in a while where him and James Franco, you know, make some girls sign some NDAs and then he does some bad stuff and then he goes and he tweets some hashtag and then he goes back to making his fucking ashtrays.

So, that's all there is to it. Guys, God, sorry. We're gonna end on Epstein. Finally, we know for sure that he committed suicide, killed himself.

The guards were, tried to get to him. They tried to get to his bars, but at the last second, it was too late. In a heroic effort, LaShonda, you see the guards? Yeah. I mean, yeah.

I mean, supposedly they, so what'd they do? The two guards admitted that they falsified records. Now, here's the deal. I think he could have killed himself. It just could have been that these two guards had the itis and fell asleep. I don't think he did. You know what I'm saying? Like, it could have been a lunch break.

Like, you ever have a big meal and just fall asleep? You get the itis. Now, if you're watching a dude 24 hours a day, at some point, if you eat, a dude 24 hours a day at some point if you eat you could fall asleep you know he wanted to kill himself i'm sure right he was on suicide watch so it could have just been they fell asleep because i mean it how how tired are you going to be if you're a prison guard? You're tired. Part of your job is being tired because you're just sitting there.

You know, I imagine like doormen and guards are just always, like when they get up, they probably go like, ugh. They probably make noises when they get up, ugh. Because they do, what makes you more tired than sitting for 12 hours straight? You know, it's the most tired you've been so these two and it's hilarious because like you know that uh you know that they that they fucked up they know that they fucked up they probably woke up and they were like oh shit

homeboy killed himself and they're like we got to falsify the records let's just write um camera broke or whatever what's your names oh god bless noel and michael thomas tova noel that is a name that does not match the picture if I saw Tova Noel I would think I would see a 5 foot 6 Jewish girl from the Upper East Side are you dating Tova yeah I'm dating Tova oh god is that Michael Noel's sister yeah

Michael Thomas he looks like a Michael Thomas for sure yeah he looks like Michael Thomas but Tova Noel does not let's can we pull up Tova for a second? Yeah, that does not look like a Tova. That looks more like a LaShonda. Okay.

So these two, they fell asleep or something, and they falsified the record. So they're admitting that they're falsifying records, but they made a plea bargain. So you're saying they could have just made that up to get the plea bargain, which is true. I believe Epstein killed himself. And that's it.

That's my story. I'm sticking to it. I have no evidence for it, except for the fact that I believe official stories. I believe they put their two best prison guards on this and they were watching with hawk eyes, but everyone's got a blink. And as you know,

you know, as you know, Jewish people can be very slippery. They can shape shift. They can turn invisible. So you try guarding a Jewish guy who's intent on killing himself, knowing that he has the power to cause rainstorms, hailstorms, distractions, and turn himself invisible and reappear.

Good luck with that. You know they sat him down and said, okay, you guys are our best guards, but here's the deal. This isn't an ordinary prisoner. This is a guy who can shapeshift and turn invisible. These are all jokes I mean you know there used to be a day people knew I was joking right guys

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have fun the kid is wild he's got a mustache like he's like he's f-a-cupping in the 1930s. We get it, dude. Stop fucking honking.

Car alarm. These cocksuckers. I hate this fucking city. Okay, now for the Patreon names. All right, before we start the Patreon names, I want to give a special shout-out to the Hall of Fame comment,

maybe of all time, from Spencer.jd.art who says i play this show to my demented grandma and tell her you're johnny carson okay patreon.com slash yanni long days another thing i need you guys to go to itunes rate and review go to long days with yannis papp, write a nice review, give it five stars. Please be proactive and do that. Give us more ratings. It moves us up, makes us look more attractive to new people.

And patreon.com slash Gianni Long Days, all one word for weekly bonus episodes and other content. Become a long hauler. Welcome to the long haul gang very disturbed but slightly chubbed so is so i subbed very disturbed but slightly chubbed so i subbed very good to start welcome kevin frank adam i think we did these guys just keep going up yeah we're frank's and beans operation white cis mate white cis male

but if yanni p puts the piece in me i wouldn't feel too bad about it yeah we did these already cody howell flossy skank bank john joseph garcia this is a good one yas yas in my ass yas so that is i hope i got the intonations right. Yas, Yas, in my ass, Yas. Because the last one was all capped. Then we got Dimitri D. Lil Twink Pig. Lil Twink Pig.

Alvin nicely said, alien lives matter. So that's what he means by all alm alien lives matter okay um then we got denise gomez welcome chrissy d only has one chrissy d only has one good stand-up joke and it's a story about someone else nico nico zitko sarah cook loco oh no Nico Zitko, Sarah Cook, Loco Ono. Loco Ono. Loco Ono is probably the Hall of Famer right there. Loco Ono, are you kidding me? Yeah, Loco Ono. Niha Talreha.

I mean, that name could be a joke. Niha Talreha. Then we got Nikki P. P, P, P, P, P, P, P. Then we got Rowan Rowland. Welcome. Magic Powers. Welcome.

Then we got Jimmy the Fumed Up Cuzzy Wuzzy. Welcome, Jimmy. Then we got Jordy Van Zanon. Welcome. Brianna. Hi, Brianna. Welcome. Shane Lynch. Hi. Here hi Brianna, welcome. Shane Lynch, hi.

Here we got a long one. Pablo MMA, about Chrissy D versus Yanni P. Commentary by Joe Rogan and Timmy D. Ref by Father B, Ring Girls, Venetia and TT, Jerry Nunez. James Roa Jr., welcome. Jake Goody, welcome. Seneca's Cock, welcome. Andrew Parrish, Cam, Isaac, Habib, Perez, Perez, welcome. Cameron, we pick Yanni's side in the divorce, Kayani.

Amanda Robinson, welcome. Joe Sui, Diaz, welcome. Josue Diaz? Jose? I think you meant to say Jose, but you misspelled it, because you spelled it J-O-S-U-E Diaz, and there's only one name that comes before Diaz that has a J-O, and that's Jose. Nick Glikas, welcome, you Greek fuck.

Oakland Batista? Dangatang Milk? Could be a company, and he's just screwed in dd black conservative coming to see the woke mob in a different way welcome steve duby uh harry dorsey or jerry dorsey tony weijong peng hinge cliff funny very funny i don't know if you know about the hinge cliff thing Tony Wei Zhong Peng Hinchcliffe. Funny, very funny. I don't know if you know about the Hinchcliffe thing. Tony Hinchcliffe.

Owner, onward of a catapult. Owner of a catapult. You misspelled owner. I mean, these people are fucking Franks. Onward of, I'm going to read it how he spelt it. Onward of a catapult, and I'm real close to the border and i'm gonna running low on taters try me doherty ladder 14 so that kid was just hammered and joined my patreon he just fucking and so what i go page one right all right free toady bro pooping a shoe for money yana should i get snipped at 29

i mean the fucking the comment roulette is lit today yanni i hate my job sergio and ac inspired me i'm fucking writing my open mic stuff just quit hit a miss okay uh sean paul schmidt welcome fat fuck who shucks and sucks clams, but make no mistake, my favorite meal is chicken. What's the dollars? Real good one. Mike Myers, welcome. Evan J., Gavin Gates, Chase Mack, Lila,

Mitchell Kaczorowski. I mean, you're a Polack. Bad big time. Mitchell Kaczorowski. I mean, you're a Polack. Bad big time. Mitchell Kaczorowski. I hope that's it. Off the Rope Boys. Nobody's listening to your podcast. Off the Rope Boys.

But if it's your podcast, you're screwed in for getting free plug. Ben Fletcher. I person. Sammy Stackin, pseudo clits, a. clits, AKA the swelling cackler fully charged like Turkish coffee. My bad Yanni, but make no mistake. Your, and then it cuts off Anthony Cardoza, cam K and DM. Welcome Connor LaRue. Welcome. Jonathan Waihai. Jonathan Weal. Wile.

Welcome, Jonathan Wile. Then we have Great Shark Hunt. Welcome. Aaron Emery. Chandler Hoskins. Mario. Avocado. That's your real name.

It's funny. Miguel. Welcome, Miguel. The singer Miguel's in here uh then we have uh goon fro on twitch kid plugged himself then we got carl nielsen nicholas rivera dash harlan holly welcome girl adam tate logan lasky ben derrick i'm keeping the baby call me back if you discriminate against shania twain one more feckin time canada will put you on permanent fucking notice permanent welcome that's a good one luke smith josh i'm jewish and adolf wasn't wrong about everything lafond LaFond. Andhar Shwarma, Vincent, Matthew Alagreza, Joe Powell, Yanni, it's ethno-synology,

love the pod, but make no mistake, your eyes are closer together than Kevin Spacey and my 13th birthday. Yeah, I mean, that's leaps and heads about of ads ahead of everything besides the one we have on the list then we have edward jim g paul nam joseph toderik patrick dunn b-boy mark petrorius james white downtown amber wow okay downtown amber kimmy Garcidueñas and Eric Nielsen. Welcome all you guys to the long haul crew over at patreon.com slash Yanni Longdays. Luma Limon says, this sounds like a graduation at a special needs school

and Yanni is principal. So that's it. What was the first one that i loved loco loco oh no loco oh no has got to be the chicken finger for the win very funny and uh also that last one was very funny deserves a read uh make no mistake your eyes are closer together than kevin spacey my 13th birthday. So those are good. Dang, bro, you're a cute kid. You're cute too, man. You're var. So patreon.com slash yannilongdays to get bonus content, an additional episode every week.

And there's other tiers with videos and all types of stuff. But if you want another episode every week, go to patreon.com slash yannilongdays. Peace.