Yannis Pappas Hour - Shaking D*cks Hello w/Jay Larson | Yannis Pappas Hour

Episode Date: May 19, 2023

Hilarious stand up comedian Jay Larson pops thru to tell us his pitch, High school baseball and post divorce dad life. His new special just came out and is free to watch here: https://youtu.be/V_8KgbIHc4E   See Yannis live Dates & Cities below All tickets: https://www.yannispappascomedy.com Boston July 8 Poughkeepsie,July 21-22 Long Island Aug 17 Salt Lake City aug 4-5 Dallas Aug 24-26 Springfield l, MO sept 7-9 Calgary Sept 22–23 FORTË Wayne, Indiana Sept 29-30 Toronto Oct 7 Red Bank, NJ Oct 14 San Fran Oct 27-28 New York Nov 4 Providence Nov 10-11 Phoenix Nov 16-18 Spokane Dec 1-2 Tulsa Dec 8-9 Louisville Dec 15-16 Watch Yanni’s stand up special: https://youtu.be/ArlCFemEDvQ Join our highlights page for highlight clips of every episode: https://youtube.com/channel/UCfMy34qIYYy7XiRaHKO1ykw New episodes every Friday and new bonus episodes every following Tuesday at Patreon.com/yannispappashour

Hey everybody, welcome to an all-new Giannis Pappasour. Just wanted to make a proud and happy announcement. We are now part of the All Things Comedy Network. Yes, very excited about that. To work with good people. Now, for my live dates coming up. Like I said, I'm off the road until July 8th. And on July 8th, I will be in Boston at the Wilbeth Theater.

Get your tickets now. Most of them are gone. Then I'm going to be in Poughkeepsie. Just added July 21st and 22nd, Poughkeepsie, New York. Then I'm going to Jordan Landing, Utah. It's somewhere by, it's basically Salt Lake City at Wise Guys, August 4th and 5th. Long Island, Huntington, the Paramount Theater, August 17th. Tickets going quick. Get your tickets right now. Long Island, Huntington, the Paramount Theater, August 17th. Tickets going quick.

Get your tickets right now. Dallas, Texas for my birthday, August 24th through the 26th. Springfield, Missouri, September 7th through 9th. Calgary, Alberta, September 22nd through the 23rd. Fort Wayne, Indiana. Can't wait to get down there. September 29th and 30th. Toronto's being moved for some reason,

so I will get back with that. We'll be at the Royal Theater, but that's being moved. If you bought tickets, I don't know. They probably contacted you. Red Bank, New Jersey, October 14th, The Vogel. Then San Francisco just added October 27th and 28th at Cobbs Comedy Club. There's a big comedy club, so let's fill that room, shall we? Sony Hall, New York City coming home November 4th.

Providence, November 10th through the 11th. Phoenix, 16th and 17th. Then December 1st, Spokane, Washington. Can't wait to go there! December 8th and 9th, Tulsa Comedy Club. Really hitting all the tourist spots. And then we're finishing it off with a Parisian tourist's favorite place to come, Louisville, Kentucky.

December 15th and 16th. All tickets, yannispapascomedy.com. For our bonus episodes, patreon.com slash Giannis Papasour. If you love this show, please, please consider supporting it for $5 a month. I got another baby coming. So now, if you don't, I may show up at your house like Clark Griswold in Vacation and just take me to Wally World. Now enjoy this episode with the hilarious Jay Larson. Trust from the truth to the news and cameras To the fake politics and the propaganda Get his kids screwed in, got a lot to say Aw shit, it's about to be a long day

It's a long day, it's a long day What's up everybody, welcome to the Giannis Papasar The first one ever done in Mike Albanese's studio Which I learned through Paul Verzi I did my podcast here with Paul Verzi This is where he records This is Jay Larson I assume this is just in a nice

tight one shot. We got singles here. Oh shit, look at the singles. We have three. Hold on, Renny, I'll go to you. Oh! And now we'll go to Jay. Oh! It's television! Now to me. Just kidding. When you got into this business, did you think that this would be you'd be doing a big show like this where a guy

calls you and says, I'm running late, I'm on the FDR. I'm on the FDR. Meet a guy named Mike. He's a big guy. He's going to meet you in the hallway. You thought out you were being kidnapped. The best. I know Mike. You know.

I know him from Atlanta. As soon as he came in, I go, dude. He goes, hey, man, Mike. And I go, dude, I know you. Which is normally, I'm the guy who forgets. And he's like, I just didn't know if you'd remember. And I'm like, oh, bro, talk highly about yourself, would you? Why do you have such low self-esteem?

remember and i'm like oh bro talk highly about yourself would you have so why you have such low self-esteem plus there's not many comedians who are six five and do look like a guy who would be kidnapping you yeah but he doesn't feel six five he doesn't no offense he's just gotta like a you know he doesn't like hover over you you know yeah i try to i try to stay in the shadows which is creepier yeah he gives you space yeah he doesn't he doesn't impose his height and weight and will on you. Well, we took one corner. Like you do with plastic. Yeah, taking it around a hallway corner, and he pinned me up against the wall and put two hands this way and had me under here.

And I go, what are you doing? He goes, I just want you to know where I stand. And I was like, bro, this is fucking intense. You know, that's weird. He did that to me first time I met him, too. And it was like, you come on a little strong and he's like, look, I just need you to know how big I am and what the deal is.

I would do that if I was 6'5". I wouldn't just play nice nice. Whoever I met, I would really tower over them and maybe corner them a little bit. That's just because we're not 6'5". 6'5 guys are like, oh, I'm too tall. If there was a basketball hoop and I passed it,

I would dunk on it with whatever was in it. I'd grab a kid's lunchbox and I'd watch this and just dunk it and just get out of my face. I'd fuck a guy's girl right in front of him. And be like, what are you going to do about it? I'm 6'5", you bitch. Take it. Watch. There's a taller, fatter, gayer comic than me that did that to me once.

He sexually assaulted me and then got a couple TV shows. So they do do do that that's why i don't do it because it's too possible well you know what it's going to be very easy to figure out who he is if he's bigger and taller and gayer than you are yeah i mean the gayer part's a tough one who was it shakil o'neal i mean who's tall in six five charles barkley who does comedy so you know now i think i know is it uh the chick that was just released from russia Is it Brittany Griner? How many people are up there? That is the craziest thing of all time. That she has no tits and she looks like a guy?

Does she have no tits? She has zero tits. Yeah. And they weren't removed. Got it. Yeah. Yeah. I just think it's insane that like, I think it was also insane that like Russia could

go into Ukraine in 2023 and be like, hey, everybody, we're doing it. And the whole world was like, man, I guess we'll just watch. Yeah. Yeah. It's so crazy that you can just do things and be like, hey, everybody, we're doing it. And the whole world was like, man, I guess we'll just watch. It's so crazy that you can just do things and be like, hey, in our country, you got weed? We're just going to put you in jail. It's crazy. Yeah, it is crazy. Well, Putin, yeah, I don't think he follows the rules.

No, but there are no rules. He's a bad boy. He's naughty. He is not afraid to just do what he wants. He's like John Travolta in Grease. He's from the other side of the tracks. He doesn't play by the rules. Yeah.

The guys are trying to play basketball, and he tries to fight them. You know that? He runs around with that fist. Yeah, that's Putin. Yeah. Yeah. So you're a big, first of all, if people don't know Jay Larson, he's a hilarious comedian. Hilarious.

Originally from? Massachusetts. Okay, I was going to say Russia, but that's wrong. No. You're not a spy. No Russian in me, actually. I did the 23andMe. I got a little, I got a dash of everything else. You're a good old Scandinavian, Larson. Yeah, I got 14% Swedish.

And what's the rest? Everything is just a crazy mix. African American? Trust me, I was like the whole time, come on, come on. That'd be funny if it was 14%, Scandinavian, the rest was African American, but you look like that. Dude, first of all, when you talk about being 6'5 and rubbing people's faces, if I was, what is that, 86% African American? It would be on my shirt, my percentage. I'd be like, don't, I'm badder than you.

Yeah, if I was African American and didn't look it, I'd do everything. I'd wear African medallions. Everything. Yeah. Dude, black people, I was just downstairs in this building waiting for you. And I get up to come over here, and I tripped over my bag, and I almost fell. But I caught myself, and there was a black guy at the table, and he made a move. And I go, oh!

And he goes, dude, I was about to. And I'm thinking he's going to say, hop up till I catch you. And he goes, I was about to just go safe. And I was like, I go, dude, that is hilarious. It is. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, they're always right.

They're always in rhythm with the, with life too. Totally. That's just like, that's the perfect joke at the perfect time for the perfect thing. Yeah. Yeah. I was thinking he was going to say perfect joke at the perfect time for the perfect thing. Yeah. Yeah. I was thinking he was going to say he was going to film it, but saying safe when you fell

is as funny as it gets. It is as funny as it gets. He had a joke ready and then he put the joke on top of the joke. Right. Now you don't like me drinking water out of plastic

because you're an environmentalist. You have kids and you haven't had a glass of water in plastic in nine years. You told me, but you are drinking coffee out of a plastic cup. I know.

Last I checked, coffee doesn't come off a spigot in any room in your house. What does that mean? Did you understand that? What's a spigot? A spigot, a faucet. Sounds like a... A faucet.

You can get it off a hose. Sounds like he was making fun of the guy downstairs. That's why I'm safe. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Yeah, spigot really does sound like a slur for actually the co-host of this podcast, who's not here, who is half Puerto Rican, half black. I may call him, spigot really does sound like a slur for actually the co-host of this podcast, who's not here, who is half Puerto Rican, half black. I may call him a spigot.

Spigot? That's just, you know, that's where you attach the hose onto the spigot outside the house. Oh, it's called a spigot. Yeah. I mean, you can look it up. I don't know. We will later. I think you might have just sneaked in a pejorative or a slur.

Oh, he said pejorative. He said. Yeah, and that's not even accurate. I use pejorative inaccurately. Man. Because it's more of a slur we're accusing. And I wouldn't know. Yeah, and I wouldn't know if it's exactly wrong or right either.

No. I just feel like it's wrong. Yeah. I know pejorative means like, hey, I'm being mean to you. I'm saying something mean, but I don't know if it's exactly a slur. I still don't know what it means. It doesn't matter. Yeah.

Using it pejoratively. Anyhousers, tell me, since you'll be playing the role of Leonardo DiCaprio today, what is the situation with you and water bottles? Because that's why we have you here. Yeah, of course. No, you know the deal. I mean, we know listen whether you're into whatever your politics are whatever your environmental thing is i'm nazi right that's right what i've been told plastic is just it's crazy the amount of it right i mean everyone's seen trash island the five square mile trash you've seen videos of countries

that like plastic is just washing up right it's not we're not idiots i try not to think about it right of course we try not to think of anything that's like seems insurmountable in which it is me not using single-use water bottles isn't going to change the world it's just my part of like oh this is what i can do you know what i mean right for your kids well and just for like the world like i would love to just walk through it's fun walking through like fields and nature hikes and stuff like that. So do you really care about like people in Madagascar and stuff like that and like their well-being? I care about, you know, I just think the world in general.

And then, you know, like fish now has plastic particles and almost all fish you eat, you know, because there's just so much of it. So, I mean, again, I'm not putting it on you. You can do whatever you want. Tons of people do. I just choose not to. And I try to use as little as possible. I mean, dude, you'm not putting it on you. You can do whatever you want. Tons of people do. I just choose not to. And I try to use as little as possible. I mean, dude, you're going to hate me for this. But when I go to my coffee shop and I get a coffee, I don't get a top.

I go, I'm good without a top. Because that's plat. So, I just, like, just don't want it. I just don't want it. You're a radical. You're fully radicalized. I'm crazy, bro. I'm crazy.

No, that's, I respect that. That's, people like you can be a little annoying in social settings, usually, if people are not into it. Yeah. But people like you are the ones who change the world eventually because you push the, you're radical. You're like the John Brown, you're like the John Brown of environmentalism. So the world produces about 400 million tons of plastic. Well, here's the deal, too. So once this happened, this dude came to me and he goes, hey, man, I make these like PSAs comedically with comedians.

Is there anything you believe in? I'm like, I do plastic water bottles. So then I started researching. And then it's like to make that plastic water bottle. It takes two times the amount of water that's in it to produce it. Whoa. That's a mindfuck. Yeah.

Wait. So that's what? 12 full ounces. It takes 24 ounces to make the plastic of that bottle. Because they got to like, the guys who are making it got to drink. I don't know how you make plastic. They also use 17 million barrels of oil every year in the United States to make the water bottles to supply the United States for one year.

So why do they got to use so much water? Are the guys making the bottles got to hydrate? Yeah, they got to hydrate the guys working. Hey, we're dying in here! I don't know, it goes into plastic. What's the solution? What do we do? For me?

Should we do shoeies like an Australian drink out of shoes? Yeah, that's what I was gonna say next. Why don't people use shoes? And then we could... Every now and then you do, you know? And listen, shoes, after you're done wearing them, you gotta recycle those, but those get thrown out. Those contribute to waste.

But if we use those as water bottles, we can combine and kill two birds with one stone. See, now you're getting progressive. Now I'm getting very progressive. Now you're progressive. So you've been sticking to this for nine years. Have you ever sneaked the water? Twice. Nobody around?

Twice. Twice. Both for my kids. I believe you because it was right on the tip of your tongue. One was at a Kings game. Either that or you're a psychopathic liar psychopath well i've been ready second period i had to get a they won't let you bring a water bottle into a king's game you know what i mean right like my kids and me and my ex we all have our own water bottles can i just take a moment

to acknowledge you are a hockey fan and also an extreme environmentalist those two things never really not a hockey fan. Oh, okay. I'm a sports fan in general, and my son was interested in hockey and skating, so I took him to a game to expose him to it. So he's into hockey and skating? He tried skating.

Right. Didn't take. So he's straight? We don't know. We'll see. He went hockey over skating, I'd say. That's as much of an indication as you need. Good point.

Yeah. Good point. Yeah. Good point. Yeah. It's sort of saying it without saying it. Yeah. You ever hung with hockey players? No. Hockey players, they're swinging their dicks around each other more than any other sport.

Are they? Oh, my God. I played baseball in college, and so we would hang with hockey players, and those guys are just nuts, dude. At a young age, they're just in locker rooms. They're a different breed bro, and my friend's brother was on the Kings Yeah, so he would hang out with them sometimes you know what they would do on a Friday night They would sit in a garage in Manhattan Beach and drink out of 30 packs Wow not in the fridge Just out of the case man hockey players are a different breed that so they party harder you think if it was... They party hard, they don't give a

shit about their face, they don't care that your dick's... They don't care about a thing, dude. Right. They just throw caution to the wind, those guys. Those guys are nuts. Their teeth, everything gets knocked out. They don't care. Yeah, wow. They don't even fix their teeth. You see a guy in a game and it's right before the game and his face is beat up and you're like, what happened to him? Like, oh, that's just how

he looks. Yeah. That's years of hockey right there. Yeah. When you're... I guess when you play hockey like you play baseball right so in baseball like you would probably pick up some spanglish spanish there's so many baseball players are from latin america i think when you play hockey it's probably you pick up some swedish and russian same way oh yeah it's like yes he has a whole team's full of ruskies and finnish guys tons yeah yeah totally those are that's like the Latin American for hockey. Yeah, 100%. Hey, man, I'm from Finland.

Yeah, that's my friend Zvusnit from like whatever. Yeah, this is Drazan Filovic. Yeah, Markan from Finland. Yeah, yeah. You played baseball. Yeah. I knew it was something. Have we talked in person ever before this?

No. Remember, I came up to you in Austin. I'm like, bro, man, I've been a fan. I just watch you clips on social, your stand-up, you on pods. And I'm like, this dude just like, I don't know, I just like your rhythm. And then so I introduced myself. I like your fucking rhythm. This is going good.

And that's why RU Garbage is like, oh, you're going to have a fucking blast. And I go, is he from Mass? And they're like, no, Brooklyn. You're like, same shit. That's it. Fucking small market crew. Are you a baseball guy? I love baseball, but I knew it was something because you got an athlete's confidence.

Gotcha, yeah. You don't have the, you don't come, and ballplayers, perfect, because ballplayers sometimes, or former ballplayers, don't necessarily look, like they're not imposing, like when you're like, oh, he played hoops. Yeah. You see. When you're like, oh, he played hoops. You see me, you're like, oh, he played badminton. Yeah, yeah. I got a badminton belt. Bocce.

He was doing bocce out in Brooklyn with 70-year-old men. Yeah. I have a professional bocce look. Yeah. And you got the, because it's a confidence. Yeah. Former athletes have a confidence, a little swagger, a little masculinity, if you will. Dick's swinging a little bit.

Maybe. So you played college ball? College ball, D2. We weren't that good. Still, it's better than D3. Yeah. You had a couple of— We would play some D1 teams.

We got—like at Dartmouth, I had my best game ever at Dartmouth. Dartmouth? Yeah, I went three for three with two singles and a triple. And then they brought me in. I was having a great game in right. They brought me in to close out the inning. The pitcher went to right. I came in.

I got a guy to pop out. He's fucking doing a dance in right. Drops it. Gets a guy in first and second. I hit the next guy. Load the bases. Ken Griffey Jr. gets up. Rips me off the hockey arena.

Off the hockey. Like, over the fence. Hits the hockey arena. And then the ump throws a ball out to the shortstop. And he comes over. He's like, God, that was a bomb. And I'm like, Jesus Christ, dude. And then I hit the next two guys. Boom, boom.

I set an NCAA record. Three guys in one inning. Are you from Massachusetts? Yeah. Stone them, baby. Yeah, what pot? Stone them, Mass. Stone them, Mass.

Nancy Kerrigan, no big deal. Man, that's fucking Jay Larson. You got the Stone Zoo out there, baby. What's it feel like to get rocked like that? Dude, I would get rocked a lot. We played UMass Lowell, and they are a legit team. I remember it was my senior year, and they were like, can you come in and pitch?

We're getting shacked. I was like, all right. I'm throwing change-ups, lowing away, and guys are just going the other way with it. I'm like, get me out of here, man. You can't get out of an inning. My boy, John, he played at UMaine, and they were playing Miami down in Florida, and I was on TV, and they were getting killed.

D2 game on TV? No, no. He was at UMaine, and they transferred, and we played together at St. A's. That's where I went. St. Anselm in New Hampshire. And he was in this game, and they're getting destroyed. And the coach comes up to him, and he's like, thank God. And he was in this game, and they're getting destroyed. And the coach comes up to him, and he's like, thank God. And he's like, listen, I got nobody else.

You got to keep going. And he just had to stay in and just get hammered by you, Miami. Just future number one draft picks just. Just teed off on him. Just crushed him. Like he was the machine at a batting practice. Yes, exactly. Yeah.

Yeah, I mean, when a pitcher doesn't have his stuff, it's just you're just struggling with location. Let me just tell you something. I never had stuff. When you're a DT, you know what I was really good at? Yeah. I would have been a great BP pitcher because I just throw too many strikes. I don't have enough speed to blow you away. I didn't have a sharp enough curveball or a drastic changeup.

I did have location. But more often than not, it was just right down the gutter. So you were like a female softballup. I did have location, but more often than not, it was just right down the gutter. So you were like a female softball pitcher. Oh, man, those chicks just fucking bring it. They wing it in there. They wing it. Why do they do that? You think chicks can't throw overhand?

I don't know what the thing is. Yeah. You know, it's way better for your arm to throw that. Absolutely. This is your natural motion. Yeah, they don't have to have Cynthia John surgery. No. That's hilarious. Yeah, they're like... And they whip off the leg. It's crazy.

Yeah. How come, like, why is there no female baseball? And it's ironic because the softball's bigger. Bigger. But their hands are smaller and their brains are smaller. And the base pass is shorter. Everything is smaller. I love that look. You're like, is he serious?

No, I know where you're coming from. I'm totally serious. Dead serious. I mean, you know, it's correlation. Hands. Everything. Yeah. Stuff like that. So it's ironic, at least, that they should be playing with a smaller ball like they do in basketball.

They play with a smaller ball. Is it smaller in basketball? It's smaller. Yeah, because their hands are smaller. Do you think there'll ever be a sport that women will compete at a professional level with men? Women to men? Yeah. Of course, because it's equality.

They're equal. Yeah, I mean, but we know that. I mean, you see that. They should be allowed to compete with. Yeah, I mean, but we know that. I mean, you see that. I wonder. They should be allowed to compete with. Yeah, it's why there's a, the reason why they're, how come the controversy is always with, only with M to F. Male to female, trans. Yeah.

That's where the controversy is. Because it would be hard to fathom Elliot Page keeping up with Odell Beckham Jr. in the open field. Yeah. And I don't want to say that's because of anatomically anchored or biological reasons because obviously it's not. But I just, I don't think anyone would be against it. The good part about

trans male athletes is everyone supports it. Because if you can show me a trans man who can beat Odell Beckham Jr. in a foot race, we're all going to be cheering him on. We're all going to be like... Because they're the underdog. Yeah.

ODB would be getting some shit. He would, yeah. Everyone would be like, that's amazing. Then you get in the locker room and it's going to be flying. He will be like, what, yeah,

you just got beat by a guy, but... But did you? That's what they were just doing... But did you? That's what they were just doing. But did you? I guess you would have to say you got beat by a guy, but there would have to be a wink with it. You got beat by a guy.

There's been a college football player who was a woman, but they're like a kicker. They can just fucking slam it. Now, you told me before we got on the podcast that you think... This isn't true. Now you know what I'm doing I know where you're going

Yeah because you told me You said naughty You preempted it I like it I'll get ahead of you Yeah because you said to me in the text You said you feel like To make it fair Women comics should transition to men

So they can try to compete with us Just so we can be on the same page. So at least they can come off a little funnier. That's what you said. And I said, I don't know. I think women are funny. Right, right. And I said, Jay, I don't know why you'd say that.

And I said, you're fucking out of your mind, bro. I said, yeah. I mean, I don't know. You've been on the West Coast. I don't know what's going on on the West Coast. But here in New York, we are equal with them. Yeah, yeah. So I don't know what's going on in the groups you run in.

But women are allowed to perform here. And I still just don't agree. Yeah, and I don't know them. Yeah, yeah. So I don't know what's going on in the groups you run in, but women are allowed to perform here. And I still just don't agree, you know? Yeah, and I don't know why. Yeah. I don't know what's going on. I mean, some of them can be funny, right? They don't have to transition to be funny is my point. I disagree with you is what I'm saying.

That would be, if you could get someone that just has no idea that that's what's going on, you know what I mean? Like, if you could be throwing some politician into that idea that that's what's going on, you know what I mean? Like, if you could be throwing some politician into that shit, that would be so funny. That's what we do. Yeah. That would be fun to get them on. Yeah, get someone on and just be like, so I got this text from you and that's what you said. God, I read this article that you had said.

Yeah. And I'm just saying, I don't agree. Yeah. Now, you're from Mass and it looks like you have, you just have a look that when the summer comes you throw on flip flops you have a cocktail in your hand and you enjoy you enjoy summer man handset or whatever it's called

I hate flip flops will not wear them the only time I ever have flip flops is every time I go to Hawaii I have to pick up a pair to go to Hawaii because you can't like walk around and I've only been to Hawaii I think three times with my ex. That would be our spot. Cause when you're in LA, it's just five hours over.

Look at the judgment that's coming off his face. No, no, no. I was just seeing the pain in your eyes when you said ex. So I know there's something there that you say when I went with my ex. I saw like a little. I had a mini stroke. Fucking Lawson died doing Giannis' podcast, dude. It brought back some some that brought back some

stuff right yeah i mean yeah god i mean you're married the one you married i'm married now yeah um i first of all i wanted her to be the one right because i wanted just to have one marriage and just like because i grew up without a dad and i was like oh i want to have like a marriage a family and like you know and it just didn't work um but we're like great friends she's a great person we get along great but at the same time i'm like i just would have been fun yeah i would have been loved live that american dream you still can it's not i know but it's gonna you know i'll find another girl i will yeah i mean come on yeah you know what i mean yeah yeah yeah it's uh how long were you together? We were married 10 years.

We were together for 13. You were married 10? Yeah. Oh, there's no joke here. Yeah. Oh, wow. So you're ex meaning ex-wife. Yes, ex-wife.

Because usually you first say ex-wife. Yeah. Yeah. I just say ex, you know? Yeah. Well, ex, nobody who, usually it's ex. Ex-wife's a little more grizzled, too. You should have said ex-wife.

I have a- Because I'm looking at you like, oh, this guy's grizzled. Yeah, I was with a friend and they were like, they're married and they're like, yeah, I don't know. I hope we don't break up. And I go, break up? You don't break up when you're married. You divorce. You divorce. I go, what are you, a teenager? And I'm breaking up. Yeah. So what happened? Did she exceed

her plastic water bottle intake? She was behind the plastic water bottle. She was on board for it. Yeah, you know, sometimes it's just not a fit. Sometimes you're like, oh, I think we're better friends than we are like a couple. And now we get along really well and I'm hoping we continue to

build and be like really good friends. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, I'm glad you guys broke up because I married her and she's my wife. I know, and you guys seem like you're doing great. We're doing great right now. Wow, so you went with her to Hawaii three times. Three or four, yeah. Yeah.

That was her jam. Like, she had a, like, a corporate job. So for her, she was like, I need a vacation every year. And I was a comedian. We never took vacations. You were like, work? Yeah, I'll go take work. So then we started vacating.

I was like, oh, this is the life, you know? Yeah, yeah. Hawaii, North Shore. Yeah, I quit it completely. And you went to Hawaii, and you... And I I just tried I opened up a little surf bodega spot Yeah, and we did like tuna tacos Didn't take so you can get a he pokey anywhere in a gas station Hawaii and it's unbelievable. Yeah, you never been I've never been no yeah, you'll get there, bro. You'll get there. I'm not I'm yeah, but you'll get there

Oh, I know I need to get there things are gonna You'll get there. I'm not. Yeah, but you'll get there. I know. I need to get there. Things are going to take off for you. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I need to. It's a level. Hawaii's a level. It's a level up.

Yeah. It's a level up from Cancun, Miami. When you go to Hawaii, it's a level up. Yeah. It's a real vacation for a grown up with a little bit of scratch in his pocket. Yeah. It feels nice out there. You got to get a rental car.

You know what I mean? You're not just, you know. But there's still, there's like dog to bounty hunter parts of Hawaii that you don't let go, right? I wouldn't know. I don't go to that. You don't go to that part, right? I mean, we're in the North Shore of Kauai, bro. Come on.

Staying at the Princeville Resort. You know, what are we doing here? Yeah. No, you got something coming out. You got something coming out. Special. I don't know when it's going to drop. April 19th is when the special drops.

April 19th. Yeah. So it's two weeks from today. It will be out after that. But guess what will be that podcast that pulls up the rear? Yeah. Because I know you're probably having other ones push it. Yeah.

And then those will catapult you forward. I love it. Yeah. And then this one will do barely nothing for you. Perfect. Yeah. YouTube Jay Larson Comedy Sounds Like Bruce. Yes.

Name of the special. Check it out. Comment, rate, review Larson Comedy, Sounds Like Bruce. Yes. Name of the special. Check it out. Comment, rate, review, share with friends. I appreciate it. Now, you're a funny gentleman. I like to think so. I saw one. One of your things went viral.

Yeah, that's the one with the Sounds Like Bruce at the end, which is why I call it the special Sounds Like Bruce. Ah, so you piggybacked off the thing that got big. Yeah, it was the wrong number story. Yes. And so, not to give anything away, but I opened the special with that story. I had never done it on anything of my own.

And Kreischer was like, yo, you gotta put that in a, why didn't you put that in your last special? And I was like, I don't know, I thought it was done. He's like, dude, it's never done. And you know, and I was just like, huh. So I'm like, let me open on it. Because it went viral on a Conan clip and another clip. And I was like,

people accuse me of stealing for myself. That's hilarious. Yeah. People like, I heard that before it was on another thing. Were you skinnier? People straight up were like, this dude stole it.

I've seen this joke before. Thief hack. And then other people like, it's him, you idiot. He just had a beard and glasses. Yeah. You know,

different look. Yeah. So I was just like, you know what? It's, you know, I just leaned into Chrysler's world with the machine. And he was like, it's your story, Jay. Go do it. And so I put it out on my own.

So now I own it. It's not on anyone else's. It'll be my joke. That's really good. Yeah. Yeah. Chrysler is really good at that stuff. He's amazing.

I remember I did his podcast and I was staying at Whitney's at the time. And Eli Whitney. Eli Whitney? Eli Whitney's house, yeah. Historical site now, but. It's a historical site now, but at the time he was alive, we were writing together. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We were writing stories. Is he a poet?

Eli Whitney did the cotton gin, right? Oh, that's right. Right, I was thinking of Eli Weasel, who was more of a. That's a made up name. You don't pronounce it Weasel, by the way, it's Weissel. Weissel. But he did more of a Holocaust story. So that's a big difference.

He was a denier, right? Yeah. Yeah, a big denier, which you got a big fan of. Which is why we were hanging out. Right, right, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Eli Whitney. Yeah, Eli Weissel and Eli Whitley.

I don't think those two have ever been confused except for on this podcast at this moment right now. Yeah, so I was at Eli Whitney's house hanging out, talking about the Holocaust. Yeah. And he goes, he goes, bro, why aren't you? He was like, oh, man, you're at Whitney's. This was after, too, when cameras were off. He goes, he's like, you got any dates coming up? I'm like, yeah.

He's like, you know what I see? He's like, you're in Whitney's house. You're running around. You're saying you're in Whitney's house. You're in her bathtub. Boom. Then you got any dates coming up? I'm like, yeah. He's like, you know what I see? He's like, you're in Whitney's house. You're running around. You're saying you're in Whitney's house. You're in her bathtub. Boom. Then you plug your dates. And I'm like, this dude is a marketing machine.

He is, dude. And he's so good at it. Yeah. Yeah. That's what people want to see. I'm at Whitney's house. Just use her house and make it funny about how I'm crashing her house. I broke into her house.

And then you plug the dates. Because that's what people... People need an increasing amount of... It's got to be increasingly off the wall. For sure. Because everyone's seen everything now. Yeah. So what are we going to do to get attention now?

It's already out. What are you talking about? There's no attention to be had. No, but me and you got to take it to the next level. Should we... Want to kill Mike on camera that would it would be big but he's got to edit it and stuff like that it'll be funny though if we plan to kill mike on camera and then we failed because it's not an easy task no he's not he's not easy he's a chunky big guy he's like a giant marlin you're trying to like reel in on a like cvs bot uh fishing rod you know yeah that'd be funny if we tried to

make a video saying we're making a snuff video where we're killing Mike Albanese, the comedian, and then one of us gets killed. And then he leaves one of us alive to tell the story. Does that make sense? Yeah. Because a killer always leaves one.

A badass dude always leaves one guy around to spread the word. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just like, remember in Unforgiven? Was that with Jennifer Lopez? No. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just like, remember in Unforgiven? Was that with Jennifer Lopez? No. Unforgiven is Clint Eastwood, right?

Oh, that's right. He's the greatest. One of the sick, when he goes in, he kills everybody. He goes, is this your establishment? Yeah, Gene Hackman. Dude, great movie. Yeah. But have you ever seen a snuff film?

A snuff film? Remember Faces of Death? Yeah. Remember when that was doing on VHS? Yeah. Oh, my God. I remember when that went out. Remember when that was? Those were like in video stores.

Yeah. You could get Faces of Death. Yeah. That was before the internet. But I've seen snuff films, yeah. Not like produced. You know, like my cousin made one. Yeah.

What do you mean not produced? Not produced. Not produced. I've seen them like, you know. I didn't go to the back lot at Sony to watch a screening. Okay. I watched one in an alley in fucking Bay Ridge on a cell phone. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, exactly. No, well, you know, I've seen like, you know, I've gone down those internet rabble holes. Yeah. Where you like, next thing you know, you're like somehow looking at like a Russian soldier getting his head cut off by some Chechnyan rabble. I've seen things like that. Yes, got it, got it. I feel like your YouTube search or, like, search history could, like, really raise some red flags around. Without a doubt.

FBI's, like, keep an eye on this guy out here. I could not run for office. Yeah. No, yeah. They definitely, they're definitely, I think comedians' search histories are for office. Yeah. No. Yeah. They definitely, they're definitely. I think comedians search histories are pretty dark. Yeah. Because we need every, like all life is trying to balance itself out. We're always funny.

We're around funny. And so we try to get away from it by watching snuff. And people do not know how dark we get and can get. Yes. They do not. I remember when I was, when I was married. There it goes again. there's the flicker and uh like i would go to like you know civilian parties you know when you go to like a civilian party and it's funny that we call them civilians yeah yeah but there's no comedians there

and like you're just kind of all sitting around and you're like no kid imagine she killed herself and then everyone's like what and you're like oh yeah sorry there's no comedians here yeah i mean i had this idea once but it was too inside of a sketch i had an idea to do a sketch about a clown that um the purpose is for comedians to go see a comedian that makes them laugh yeah because like we're always making other people laugh so it's like the comedian clown yeah all the comics like and the clown and he like kills kids and he does stuff, and guys are cracking up. Did you ever pitch it anywhere?

No. I didn't pitch it. I had this one sketch that I used to pitch, and I took it out when I was trying to sell different sketches, like,

Funny or Die, and stuff like that. And I'm gonna give you the pitch. It's five dudes, and they're all smoking weed, right, in an alley. And then all of a sudden,

they see cops, and everyone's like, oh my god, run, dude, the cops. And my character's like, everyone chill,

relax, stay right here, you don't need to run. Like, what? And he's like, just everyone take your shirts off. And they're like, what? I'm like, yeah, just take your shirts off. So they all take their shirts off,'s like, oh, my God, run, dude, the cops. And my character's like, everyone chill, relax. Stay right here. You don't need to run. Like, what? And he's like, just everyone take your shirts off. And they're like, what? I'm like, yeah, just take your shirts off. So they all take their shirts off.

I'm like, they're still coming, dude. Cops are still coming. I'm like, calm down. You run, we'll get pinched. Just relax. Everyone take your pants off real quick. And they're like, what? I'm like, just take your pants off.

And then one dude comes over. He's like, yo, man, I'm not wearing underwear. And I'm like, well, you'll be all out then. Come on. So everyone takes their pants off. And they're like, dude, the cops are still coming, bro. And I'm like, well, you'll be all out then. Come on. So everyone takes their pants off. And they're like, dude, the cops are still coming, bro. And I go, all right, everyone just make out. Everyone make out.

And they're like, what? And I grab a dude. And then these two other dudes make out. And then there's one dude who's not making out. And then the cops step up. And they're like, what the fuck is going on here? And then they start making out. And while they're making out, I see them.

And I go, run. So we all run, except the guy with no pants. And then the two cops look at him and he just starts jagging off. That's what I pitched. I did this in the room to people. And this would be the reaction too. This is what would be happening. They would be losing it, dying.

And they would go, dude, you're crazy. Like we could never. And I go, why not? I did not see that coming. I did not. That was like, yeah, that's what makes it so funny is you're like we could never and i go why not are we pushing that coming i did not i that was like yeah that's what makes so funny is you're like where's he go where's the thing and then you go oh it's just more of that yeah yeah i go well are we pushing boundaries here like what are we doing and i don't even know what it means or i don't want a reason for it to mean anything i just it every time i tell someone they lose it because it's funny. Yeah. But yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. That is. And then I'd be like, all right, well, I have another sketch about a couple, you know, you can't bounce back. Yeah. No. From there, you just go, all right, let's talk sequels. It's like, let's talk.

You can't go to any, you can't lessen. You can't. It's like opening with like an anal joke. Yeah. Then you can't go. All right, let me tell you what about my supermarket experience yeah this is the other one i want to do you're in a you're in a you're in a locker room right yeah and you're just like you're just like dolly cam and dollying down like past like the different lockers and you see guys walking to like showers and stuff and then you land on two guys and it's me and another guy and

i'm like what you think it's a good course right he's like yeah great course i'm like you're like he's in great shape he's like yeah and i go the food was great it's like dude food is awesome and i'm like listen man come meet some of the guys see if you fit in and you know i just think it's a good place for you he's like all right and i go come on let's let's go and he goes well let me just grab a towel and i'm like you're good and we're both naked and he's like are you sure i'm like yeah come on and we walk over and i'm like hey rich this is yannis and they're like oh hey and you go to shake hands and they only shake dicks so all the guys start shaking each other's dicks and he's just like um and they'renis. And they're like, oh, hey. And you go to shake hands, and they only shake dicks. So all the guys start shaking each other's dicks. And he's just like, um.

And they're shaking. And then they're like, great to meet you, man. Great spot. And then I go, what do you think, right? And he's like, yeah, I think it'll be great. I'm like, let's hit the showers. So you got a lot of gay themes in there. A lot of gay themes, yeah.

Why is that? Well. Did I mention I got divorced? Yeah. Honestly, I don't know. But there's a part, you know, there's an element of it to me that like. It's funny to you. It's funny to me.

And I think like there's something like breaking down the norm that like this. You don't shake hands with dicks. You don't shake hands with dicks. Which is a crazy norm. I don't know why. Right. Wouldn't that be funny to say hello, everyone zipped down, took their dicks out and just like. Slapped a little bit. Slapped dicks. Which is a crazy norm. I don't know why. Right. Wouldn't that be funny to say hello, everyone zipped down, took their dicks out, and just

slapped a little bit? But if you think of it, locker rooms are this weird place anyway, especially at country clubs. You know what I mean? Especially when there's like, country clubs have so many, there's a lot of places that like, men's only rooms. Like, women can't even go in them. I think it's just a way of breaking down like, what are these guys doing in there? It's like,

are you chill with this? You know what I mean? Like, who knows? Right, right, right, right. Anyway, I don't know what it is. It's just something to me that just, it cracks me up. Like, remember that there was like a two-year span on SNL, right? Where they were making dudes make out all the time.

Paul Rudd was always on. He'd make out with someone. And it was crushing. Everyone was breaking the fourth wall because everyone was just like, this is so funny to us. But now I don't I mean, I don't know if like we'll revert back or, you know. Yeah, I think now you may get in trouble for thinking that it was funny. Exactly. Because it's supposed to be like you're supposed to.

Everyone's accepted. Like if you're not doing it, then it's you're doing something wrong. Right. I wonder if we'll get to the point where we elevate it it where a gay man making out with a straight woman is hilarious. Right. Or a gay man and a gay woman. They have to make out and they're just like, oh, my God, why would we ever do this? Right.

What is it that makes something hilarious? Is it the taboo, you think? It's like the taboo, breaking down the taboo, playing with what's the norm, conditioning. Is it going against something that, like murdering a guy can be funny. It can be if you're not supposed to. It's always funny. It's like farting in church. Like you fart outside, not always funny. Remember any farting in church? Like you fart outside.

Not that funny. But if you fart when you're not supposed to, yeah, it's funny. I do. Where's the line? One time in college, my roommates,

we had like these townhouses in college and I was out of town visiting my girlfriend. And I guess like my roommate got in a huge fight with one of our friends and they threw a snowball through our window, like an ice snowball and shatter a window. And they got in a huge fight. I was our friends and they threw a snowball through our window like an ice snowball and shatter a window and they got in a huge fight i was out of town i come back we're there the whole week the next weekend they start like the tension was still there between us so they're like arguing and there's a group forming and we got like this fruit basket from the basketball team and i had an orange and as they're fighting i just walked over their apartment and i

threw it right through the window of their their apartment. And it just went and everyone turned. I go, are we good now? Are we good? It's just like something, you know, it's not murder. Right. It was like to me, it was like, oh, this should be great. Everyone will love this.

That's great. They didn't really. My friends fist fought that night. They did. Later, later on the campus, my roommate was walking across campus and just bumped into the other kid. Yeah. You ever seen Jeremiah Johnson, the movie? No.

Basically, it's Robert Redford. He's a white dude. Hooks up way, way, way back. As opposed to? Settler. Well, he ends up marrying a Native American woman. You said Robert Redford's a white dude. Right.

Well, that's who he was playing. He could have been back then. Who knows? Right, right, right, right, right, right. Marries this Native American woman. You said Robert Ruff is a white dude. Right. Well, that's who he was playing. He could have been back then. Who knows? Right, right, right, right, right, right. Marries this Native American woman. They have a kid. A different tribe comes through when he's off helping soldiers navigate. They kill his whole family, and now he's just on a rampage to go find everyone from that

tribe and fight them and kill them. Wow. You couldn't make that movie now either. Dude, it's insane. Wow. There's one scene where- He killed Indians? Yes.

I mean, natives? Yes. Wow. Robert Redford is fishing in a killed Indians? Yes. I mean, natives? Yes. Robert Redford is fishing in a little pond, and across the pond is a Native American on a horse just coming, and they just look at each other the whole way. That guy comes over, gets off his horse, and they fight to the death. Wow. And it's badass. So my friend's walking across campus.

No one else is there. He bumps. Here comes the kid, And they fist fought. Just randomly. And I'm like, you didn't even have to. Nobody was there to be like, come on you pussy. And they fought, dude. He came back and he's all blood. We're like, what happened? You know that's some real animosity

if you're not even putting on a show with the fight. Exactly. Fighting alone is weird. Yeah. It's almost like fucking. Yeah. It's so private. It is. It's weird. It is very private. Fighting alone is weird. it's almost like fucking yeah it's so private it is weird it is very private alone is weird fighting alone dude that's so weird because when that docu-series coming out yeah that's weird fighting alone is weird like even in war i think it's like the people know about it otherwise if it was completely private that's weird yeah because the soldier would go

like what are we doing that's why i like in savior Prime Ryan, that scene where they're up in the thing and the kid can't go up. He's so afraid. And those two guys are fighting alone. Yeah. To the death. And it's like the most intimate scene in that whole movie because it's the two of them and one of them is going to die.

Yeah. I think, do you think we're, do you think we think it's weird because we're performers and the only way we'd fight is if there was a crowd to watch? No, bro. I think innately we're feeling it's a weird vibe to fight alone. You're like, why do we need to do this? Do you hate me that much? I fucking hate you too, but let's just walk away from each other.

That's a really interesting insight. Yeah, fighting alone. Nobody ever talks about that. I've never even thought of it until I just realized. I'm like, oh yeah, they were walking across campus and bumped into each other. If two people have a problem, if you put them in a room, just the two of them, do you think

there's a chance they'd probably work it out more than if there's people around? Yes. Fuck him, fuck him, fuck him. Even like when a brother, two brothers fight, there's always someone there. Right. A grandmother, a mother, someone that can give the attention to say, no, stop. Right. Don't do it.

Right. But when you're alone, no one's fighting when their parents are out of the house. That's true. No one's there. If some dude does fight you alone, he's like a psychopath. Yeah, you're a psycho. He's getting off on it or something like that. But most people probably wouldn't fight.

No. They'd probably start making out, shaking hands with their dicks. Making out, dude dude that is so funny the cops come everyone gets naked and fucks that's it i'm just going i'm just going in the j i'm just writing that's what you said i remember when we were in austin you're like dude when you come to the pod please bring because i've always wanted to fuck around with dudes and i was like oh that's a weird thing to say and you're like dude and i go like touch dicks because i go i have an idea and you go no no no i've wanted a guy to put his dick in me and i was like oh like in your ass and you're

like more like a bj and i was like oh all right yeah man i'm i obviously you know i don't judge no no no and i just thought it was odd coming from you because you are so anti all of that shit you know what i mean yeah i just yeah yeah yeah it makes me uncomfortable i don't know what why it's a sin i think they're going you know know, it's like how you get into heaven that way. Yeah, yeah. So that's what. Yeah. My brother's gay.

Oh, yeah? Yeah. Older or younger? He's older. And, you know, it's now I, it's like, yeah, don't mess with me. Like, it's kind of a, it used to be like, my brother's gay. Oh, what's gay? You know, now it's like my brother's fucking.

How old were you when he? It's like saying my brother's, it's like saying my brother's, it feels like I'm almost saying my brother's gay oh what's gay you know now it's like my brother's fucking how old were you when my brother's it's like saying my brother's it feels like i'm almost saying my brother's in the nba when you say you got a gay brother now yeah yeah it's like i got a gay brother like it's i'm proud yeah you know what i mean how old were you when he came out um he didn't come out i found out on a phone call you're like they were on the phone you picked up downstairs like old school he was on the phone with my mom and And my mom said, because you're gay. And I went, whoa, he's gay. And then I thought that meant that I was gay.

Yeah. Because I was young. How old were you? I don't remember how old I was. Gotcha, yeah. But yeah, I just thought it was a bad thing to be gay. Interesting. Little did I know that it's the fucking tits

it's the fucking best so my brother came out to me would you? are your brother gay too? you have a gay brother too? I knew we had a lot in common dude when he came out to me it would have been like he said should we get tacos? it didn't do any I was just like

and I go oh cool and he goes are you cool with that I'm like yeah and people were like you weren't I go no it didn't change anything about the way I viewed him and then years later my friend came out to me he was 36 he came out really late and I just went

fucking yes I'm like congrats this is amazing you know like I was able to like really celebrate it and I wish I'd been able to do that with is amazing. You know, like I was able to like really celebrate it. And I wish I'd been able to do that with my bro when he came out. Yeah. I mean, I didn't obviously shun. There was nothing about me that like, either way, but I wish I could have celebrated it. Yeah.

Why do you think you didn't celebrate your brother's big moment? Because I didn't understand it. And he caught me off guard. I didn't, I'd never been through it. How old were you? I was 21. And how old was he? He was 22.

You guys are that close in age? 14 months, bro. Whoa. Yeah. Whoa. Youngest of four. So your womb, like, touched the womb he was in close. So a little got on you.

I don't know if that's true. No, that's science. Somebody knows nothing about science. Yeah, but the womb's kind of touched. The womb's touched a little. You touched a little of his womb. Yeah. Oh, wow. Yeah. And so you guys of his womb. Yeah. Oh, wow.

Yeah. And so you guys grew up close. Yeah, we were very close in age. Never close as brothers, but like, yeah, we were close in age. And that would have been funny if he told you and you went, that's why. Now I get it. Yeah, now. Now I understand why we don't hang.

Comedy's fun. We take things that we shouldn't make jokes about it. We make jokes. Yeah, of course. Yeah. So you guys never really that close? No, but like we love each other. Of course.

I love my brother too. Yeah. But you know, I wouldn't touch him. Um, yeah, I used to be, it used to be like, I wouldn't talk too much when I'm in LA and he was in Boston, but then I'd come home and like, he would just clear his schedule and I would just like kick it. And like we would, I'd stay at his house and he just, whatever show he was in Boston but then I'd come home and he would just clear his schedule and I would just kick it. I'd stay at his house and he'd just, whatever show

he was into, I would just sit there and we would just binge whatever show he wanted to watch and he'd be like, do you want to go to bed? I'm like, I don't care. I would just stay up as late as he would stay up. Just to be around him. It's the best because he's your brother and you love him. Is it just you two? No.

We have two sisters, two older sisters. Two older sisters. What about you? I got one other brother. Okay. He's brain injured. So I have a gay brother and a brain injured brother. What's a brain injured?

It's a, he, the doctor squeezed his head when he was born. Is that real? Yeah. Okay. It's not funny. I don't know why I'm laughing. Yeah. Something about the energy here. It's just, yeah. Yeah. Okay. It's not funny. I don't know why I'm laughing. Yeah. Something about the energy here.

It's just, yeah. Yeah. We're in that comedic energy. Yeah, he was, they used to use forceps. Yeah, I know. And they used to make that mistake. And so how old, where is he? He's in Jersey.

He lives in like a program where they kind of like, he works and they monitor him and stuff. Okay, cool. He's a happy guy. He's got a great life. He's a happy guy. He's got a great life. He loves pussy. Yeah. Yeah.

It sounds like that would be the first thing you'd say about him. Yeah. He's a real puss out. I'm just saying he's straight. He's straight. Yeah. You know? Does he know your brother's gay?

Yeah, he does. Is he cool with it? No, he's a raging bigot. That would be... He doesn't get it. Nah, man. He's totally... A lot of other stuff is complicated for him, but that he's really adamant about. Yeah.

He draws a hard line. Brother or not, he's like, I'm just not into it. I'm sorry, bro. Yeah, sorry. Can't support it. I can't. I'm not into it. At Thanksgiving, don't even sit near me.

Not into it. Yeah. He's just... I don't know. He's the only one who has a problem with it. At Thanksgiving, don't even sit near me. Not into it. Yeah. He's just, I don't know. He's the only one who has a problem with it. Yeah. I'm the same way, though, about when you say, like, saying your brother's in the NBA, like, it's the same thing.

I've always, like, I feel like I want to take, I've been trying to take more pride in it. You know what I mean? Like, go another level. Yeah. You know. Yeah. Well, we could fuck guys to celebrate it. Yeah. Yeah. Did it ever make you feel like you might be gay did you ever have that thing i mean i still entertain the idea that i could be gay you know

what i mean like i was telling someone like every night ever been a conversation with a guy and he's talking like can i just fucking make out with this guy and you're like nah just this doesn't click with me yeah i mean it just doesn't click yeah i feel the same way like i'm just not attracted to guys yeah i often there are some times where i'm like i I'll say to women, I'm like, do you think that guy's good looking? And they're like, no. And they're like, do you? And I'm like, yeah, I don't know.

You know? Cause I don't know what you look for in a good looking guy. Like, I don't think you're good looking. I, uh, I don't know. Mike's all right. You know what I mean? Mike, you feel safe with as a girl. I don't know what they're into, but I think it's a little bit of that.

Yeah. They like, it seems like they like funny, but they always say that, you know that you know what's funny about women they always go like i love a sense of humor but it's like then why aren't you with all funny why aren't all funny guys just fucking packing hot chicks they normally are well not as much as rich guys not as much as fucking rich guys yeah well i mean comfortability is a very attractive thing who doesn't want to be comfortable so that's the number one it would just be nice if they admitted it instead of going like, I like a guy with a sense of humor. No, you don't. You like a guy with a big bank account, and then a sense of humor is optional, but nice.

I mean, think of it. If you could be with someone that's going to take you to Hawaii seven times a year. You have a place in Hawaii, and they're not that good looking. I couldn't know because I'm a year. You have a place in Hawaii. Yeah. And they're not that good looking. And... I couldn't know. Because I'm a guy. I need my wife to be a smoke show in order for me to be turned on.

I'm superficial. Yeah. Yeah. I'm not into personality at all. Got it, got it, got it. Yeah. My wife's a fucking doornail. I mean, that's what you texted to me.

That's what I told you in Austin. Yeah. Yeah. That's after I gay bas me. That's what I told you in Austin. Yeah. After our game bashed. Yeah. Dumb as a brick. But that was supposed to be between us and the text. Yeah, yeah.

Is intelligence something that you're attracted to? It depends what it comes with. Let's be honest. Let's talk honestly. We're a couple guys from Massachusetts. Comes with two cheeseburgers. Let's be honest. Yeah. We can sit We're a couple guys from Massachusetts. Comes with two cheeseburgers. Let's be honest. Yeah.

We can sit here and say it's important and all that, but if the girl, if the woman looks like Roseanne. Listen, I'm not. Yeah. And I don't mean Roseanne Barr. I meant Roseanne O'Donnell. I meant Rosie O'Donnell. Rosie, yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Because Roseanne had a period where she was chunky, but fuckable. Yeah. Yeah, that's what you texted me in Austin. Yeah, I remember. It's exactly the same. Yeah, when we were standing next to each other, I'm like, oh, I should text it.

Just so there's a paper trail or a text chain. Yeah. Yeah, of course. We all have things that we look for in a woman, like physically. Right, and you told me in Austin, tits, ass, and fucking quiet, like an Asian slave. Right, right, right, right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Dude, you were so attentive.

I really appreciate how much you really took consideration of what I was talking about. Yeah. So it can't just be brains. No, I never said it was just brains. But for me, emotional intelligence is huge now. Oh, come on. You know what I mean? I need emotional intelligence.

You like E-I? EQ? EQ. Yeah. I want someone who can have in-depth conversations and is looking forward to growing as a human. Wow. You know? But when you get divorced...

When you get divorced... I just wanted to take a moment to appreciate how... Can I even say this? How gay that moment was. You can't. You can't say that. You can't say that. So bleep it. Yeah,, how gay that moment was. You can't, you can't say that. So bleep it. Yeah, we'll cut that in post.

Actually, heighten it. Yeah. Zoom in. Zoom in and say it. So you want someone who has an emotional intelligence who you can grow with. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

As a former baseball player from Massachusetts, that's what you're saying to me. Mm-hmm. All right. Maybe you aren't gay. No, but I think that we all... It's a mature thing to say.

Well, I mean, it's just like, you know, and, you know, we all have different interests, you know. Some guys, you know, like you. Like guys. Now, you, what's, are you looking now, you're a 25-year-old man

coming out with your first specials. You just started doing comedy. Do you think marriage and kids is on the horizon for, is there going to be a little Larson running around? So I have two kids. You have two kids? That's right. You told me you have kids. That's because you care why you care.

Is that with the ex-wife? Yeah. Holy shit. Crushing that world. Reproduced. Yeah. Holy shit. Crush in that world. Reproduced. Yeah. Yeah. We killed it.

Fuck. And that's why you had the son. I have a nine-year-old boy and a seven-year-old girl. Wow. Yeah. And you have a girl, right? I have a girl. How old?

She's two and a half. That's right. Yeah. And you also told me dumb as fuck. Dad, I told you in Austin. Yeah. We really bonded in Austin. And it was a quick hello, goodbye, but we got a lot in.

We got a lot in. So you're a dad. So you know what's important in life. Yeah, I mean, I just put it this way. I love it. I love it. It's like my favorite thing in the world, being their dad. Yeah.

So it's really great. I mean, I love it. If you had to choose between comedy, being a dad, or meeting the woman of your dreams, right? That is like your soulmate. Which of the three? Easy. My kids. Two seconds flat.

I would drop, you know, any of it. You know what I mean? Any of it. It's why I never really like toured. I was always just like, no, I want to be home. I want to be around my kids always. You know what? I'm going through that it's why i never really like toured i was always just like no i want to be home i want to be around my kids always you know what i'm going through that right now it's interesting yeah you got to figure it out and it's good that you have the podcast and now now you know when you're divorced you only we're 50 50 in custody so i only see them 50 of the year

which is 26 weekends so you know the deal is a comic. Like, what are you going to do? You're going to go 26 weeks on the, on the road when I'm not with them. And then I have, there's no chance of anything else. But even at that 26 weeks is not enough as a standup comedian to like touring at the world word out. So I'm trying to like, look at it. So I'm like, all right, is there a way that I can start doing like three cities a weekend going one nighters? You know what I mean?

Even, you know, I just got to figure something out because I do enjoy stand-up a lot. I love storytelling. That's what I've always wanted to do. You know, that's why I got into the business. And then I just started stand-up and I was good at it. So I just kept going. But like I love storytelling. But I just want to be able to like include my kids in it.

So it's like a weird, it's a weird balance. You know what I mean? And you look at Kreischer talk about it, how he never was around for years and DiStefano getting broken up because he's not around right now at times. So you have to look at this balance and you're like, you know, in a way the divorce is sort of a blessing in that way is because I don't have a, I don't have a choice if I can have them or not, or be around them. And like, you know, I used to coach their baseball team. I use, I, you know, I volunteer volunteer at the school we do all the shit you know what i mean so it's like you know you find that balance and if you have a really good relationship with your wife which i recommend

everybody have one right and and be emotional available so that you can have conversations and you can voice your needs like you wanting dicks in your ass and or just fucking for her to touch my dick once in a while right i mean it's fucking it really the marriage goes up and it's like the blow jobs fucking go down yeah i mean i touch my dick much more than my own wife and that's not in the fucking margin that would be nice if the priest mentioned that you know instead of like uh through thickness and thin it's also like you know even when you're not attracted to him anymore, you're still going to have to yank his horn. Remember in I Love You Man when Jason Segel's like, you know, just give it back to him once in a while.

At the version or whatever. What's he saying? Yeah, essentially that. Yeah. He's like saying, you're telling my wife she'd be giving me a blowy? Yeah. He's like, well, she should. Yeah.

I mean, it's just, you know, it's an important thing an important thing yeah that really gets uh it gets brushed under the rug people think like sex is like this surface level thing but it's not no we need it yeah yeah everyone does too yeah it connects you even more absolutely you know it's something that a couple needs to work on um to keep the intimacy going to keep for the relationship 100 that's really touching though that you uh i think, chose your kids. I think it's the right move. Oh, my God. It's no question.

But you got to understand, my dad bounced when I was really young and lived the town over, and I didn't even see it. Like, he came, never was at one game, never, nothing, ever, zero. So for me, I'm like, oh, I'm going to, we are going to, we're going to have a great relationship. We're going to be open with each other. We're going to talk. I'm going to be there for you.

I'm going to give you space so you can grow, and I won't always be there for you. I'm going to make you do things on your own. Other times I'll hold your hand, you know, whatever it's going to be. And I just try to stay on top of it and communicate with them so that, like, I check in with them. Divorce wasn't things that get said once in my house. Like, when I was a kid, I never had a conversation about it zero times.

So what I'm saying is some people, you know, people whose parents get divorced, they're like, yeah, they sat us down on the couch. They told us to get divorced and they never brought it up ever again. I,

I talk about it nonstop with my kids. I say, you know, my son, the other day I'm FaceTiming. He goes here, here's your ex. And he handed the phone to my ex wife.

And I was just like, I love that. It's like not a taboo. It's not like, it's not a taboo. It's not a negative. It's who she is. She. It's not a taboo. It's not a negative. It's who she is. She is going to be my ex-wife.

She's always going to be. She's always going to be in my life. I'm going to invite her over to dinner. She's going to come over to the house. I'm going to go over to her house. If she needs something hung and she can't find, there's not a dude in her life, I'm there. I got you.

Your water pipes burst. You're at my house. I got it. You know what I mean? Same for her. That's amazing. It's got to be that way. You're at my house. I got it. You know what I mean? Same for her. That's amazing. It's got to be that way. That's a good thing.

I'm going through that now because I have a two-year-old. And you're getting divorced, right? We're getting divorced. Well, you said you wanted to, right? That's what I texted, yeah. And I figured this would be the best way for her to find out. Yeah, well, that was a voice text you sent. It wasn't even, it was just like a voice memo.

Yeah, because I had to get it out. It's too much like anger. You got to hear it verbally sometimes i just i was like i hate this bitch yeah yeah and so i had to get out uh yeah but it is it's it's something when you do comedy and then you get a family it's like oh wow because we're gone so it's different from like going to work and then coming home it's like we leave for a couple days and that's it's tough there's gotta be a thing you remember like that uh nba wives or like basketball wives the tv show like yeah comic wives yeah i mean you i mean look at it i mean look at the fucking trail that would be a great show yeah i remember there are

walk streets in venice like that are like the side there's like a houses there's no street that you're on it's a walkway they're called the walk streets and i'm walking down one time with my girlfriend this was like 20 years ago maybe 18 years ago and louis ck is renting this house or staying in it i think it was fitzsimmons house and he's got his kids out in the front yard and he's taking pictures and his wife's there and i i stop and i go louis ck and he's like yeah and i'm like hey man i'm just boston comic i just i'm a fan and he's like cool and i just kept walking and then now you look and louie's divorced you know what i mean and you're just like but back then it was like this was their life right and then it's like it takes a certain person to understand especially if you're someone who talks about your wife you know what i mean because

some guys some gals they don't you know what i mean they don't bring up and then other people it's their whole act you know what i mean so it's a fine line because it can you know and we change in marriage you're really thinking about this yeah yeah no i'm thinking about it and it's uh yeah it's an interesting thing it they don't they're not congruent they don't go together comedy and marriage don't go together whereas you look at gaffigan and he's backstage with his wife and she's giving him notes. And that's the way you can do it, is just bring the family. I heard Sandler does it, too.

He'll just bring his family. And he doesn't tour that much, because he's a Gonzalia. Margazzi. You can just bring your family. But that's also abnormal to ask your wife and your kid or kids to be like, hey, you want to come on the tour bus with me and Dustin Chafin and Graham Kay? Yeah. And they're like, no, I'm your wife. I'd like to have a home. I don't want to come on the tour bus with me and Dustin Chafin and Graham Kay? Yeah. And they're like, no, I'm your wife.

I'd like to have a home. I don't want to be on a tour bus. But what I'm saying is if even if you're the communication is what I'm saying is like you now always keeping it open. Like, hey, are you cool that this is what I'm talking? You know what I mean? Yeah. Communication is just everything.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That's all it is. It is. It is. It is true.

I got married older, so there's no threat for me to leave. I'm not leaving. I'm not starting over. No, I know. I think we all know if anyone's going to leave, it's her. She's going to be like, this dude is fucking a six at best. You know what I mean? Yes.

Yes, absolutely. He's got the emotional IQ of a fucking pumpkin. Yeah, fucking spam calls. I'm telling you, somehow fucking China got my number. And I get these, like, voicemail calls from Chinese, like, they speak in Chinese. And I'm like, what the fuck is this? It's just crazy to me how many scam likelies you can get. It's like, why are they even getting through?

And how, it's just like, it's like an invasion. It's just like, leave me the fuck alone. I think they're just fishing for, like, a really old, confused person. Of course. Because that's the only way scams work. That's it. You know, you're not going to go like, hi, I'm you know, they go like. Dude, they're making billions a year I bet. Yeah. Yeah, but they do it they really take advantage of old people.

Yeah. That's what they get. And the fucking Greeks. They know how fucking dumb they are. They know Greeks are fucking dumb idiots. Oh, God. So the special is coming out April 16th. April 19th. April 19th. And this will come out after it, so I don't even know why you say it's coming out. It's out. It, God. So the special is coming out April 16th. April 19th. April 19th. And this will come out after it, so I don't even know why you say it's coming out. It's out. It's out. I mean, we discussed it already. Everyone who's listening is like, is he a fucking

idiot? They know that already that I am. Yeah, they know. April 19th is coming out. It's out. Is it good? I think it's great. I really, I'm very proud of it. I think there's a lot of cool stuff in there. There's some parenting stuff in there. There's observational stuff in there. There's observational stuff in there. There's some great long stories.

That's kind of my thing. So there's three or four nice long stories, a little bit of crowd work in there. Lance Bangs directed it. He's a great guy, really talented director. Shot it in Austin. I funded it on my own at Creek in the Cave. That is a nice,

that's like a really nice looking spot to film. That's where Shane filmed it. I know, that's why. I saw him, that film some that's where Shane filmed. I know that's why I saw him That he did it. We changed it. You know what I mean to just make it fit The aesthetic that I wanted to look like so it didn't look like his or just it looked like its own space Yeah, and just naked guys around everywhere. Just dudes jacking off. Yeah Kind of the vibe think of like a Greekreek fucking bathhouse you know what i mean that was yeah i don't know if you have any uh familiarity with that just dudes whacking each other with like sticks well you're a hilarious dude so i bet you it's funny is it your first

no no it's my second i self-produced another special called me being me that's also on my youtube yeah and then i just i had two albums before that, just like hour long. So this is like my fourth hour, but second special, yeah. So you guys got to check out all that stuff, but especially the special that just came out. Jay Larson Comedy on YouTube is called Sounds Like Bruce. Please like it, comment, rate, review, share with friends, make your mom watch it, you know what I mean?

Definitely make your mom watch it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, that's a big part of, comment, rate, review, share with friends, make your mom watch it. You know what I mean? Definitely make your mom watch it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. That's a big part of, I think that's like one of the things you want to, the message you want to get out there. That's really, I mean, what we talked about in Austin is- See your mom down at Forrester. Yeah.

Yeah, Forrester. Forrester about to watch comedy. Sit her down. Yeah. They're doing it in like prisons in Russia right now. So that's it. Congrats on the special. Thanks, buddy.

Thanks for having me, man. I know it's going to be great. And check out all that other stuff, too, because what they're going to do is they're going to watch that special, and then they're going to go back and watch the one that's also on your YouTube, and then they're going to go listen to those two albums. Yeah. Because they're listens. I love it.

Yeah. Yeah. So thanks for doing this, man. Yeah, buddy. Thanks for having me. And, you know, good luck. Thanks. Yeah.

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cock for a penny this he's a hardcore hyenas fan and he misses the old patreon he goes Yanni please start a patreon contest or something so there's more engagement with the community. He's not wrong. Give me Jesse's goddamn address so I can send you all the comic. I might show up to your door in the future, though, Jesse.

What's the latest on his novel? Right. The chat GP. Dude, this is AI. This AI wrote A better summary Than anyone could write I mean I'm telling you I'm holding on to this podcast

Tight And I want to make sure Everyone is quality Because this is the only job An AI cannot do Because AIs don't understand context And they don't have comedic timing This is all we got left

They can paint They can write But they don't understand Comedic context this is all we got left. They can paint, they can write, but they don't understand comedic context. We're the only fucking profession that's safe. Not yet. They can't say context. Not yet. We're buying some time.

But look how good this summary is by AI. So a robot wrote this. In this graphic novel, readers are taken on a thrilling journey through the dark underbelly of a crime-ridden city where an aging crime lord finds himself losing control over his empire. As terrorist groups and rival syndicates

rise up to challenge his authority, the crime lord must navigate a treacherous landscape and fight to maintain his power. Why the fuck don't you just let ChatGBT write the book? That's good. Yeah. So anyway Go check out his book Wherever you can find it

Where can you find it again? This is taking too long He has an Instagram page Yeah Scroll down Jesse Go to Serizard.com Yeah and it's called The City You can go to The City Graphic Novel on Instagram

At The City Graphic Novel on Instagram. At The City Graphic Novel on Instagram. Yes, correct. There you go. Yeah. Okay. These are my guys. Staffing Beaver. Staffing Beaver.

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