Yannis Pappas Hour - The World’s Toilet Stall Wall

Episode Date: November 19, 2022

Elon Musk has purchased the world’s toilet stall wall, Twitter. How’s it going? Will it work? Yanni ponders the midterms and what had happen. Yanni also breaks down the lotto and how the winner is always the government. Where does the money go? And finally, never, ever get on a boat if you have an ex or real money.Sponsors Mud WTRhttps://mudwtr.com/?utm_source=podcast&utm_medium=rss-feed&utm_campaign=longdaysManscaped https://www.manscaped.com/?utm_source=LongDays%20with%20Yannis%20Pappas&utm_medium=podcast&discount=l3VXt422eIga&amount=20percent&name=LongDays%20with%20Yannis%20Pappas&utm_content=LongDays%20with%20Yannis%20PappasWatch Yanni’s stand up special: https://youtu.be/ArlCFemEDvQJoin our Patreon for hilarious bonus episodes each week: https://www.patreon.com/yannilongdaysJoin our highlights page for podcast highlight clips: https://youtube.com/channel/UCfMy34qIYYy7XiRaHKO1ykwNew episodes every Saturday and new bonus every Thursday on Patreon.com/yannilongdays Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

What's up everybody? Welcome to Long Days with Giannis Pappas, your podcast that stays away from all of the hateful rhetoric. We try to just talk about what's going on in the personal lives of the Real Housewives. We want you to just feel calm and comfy and cozy. We are the CBD of podcasts, baby. We don't talk about anything. No anxiety. All we talk about is stuff like toy news, reality TV news, what's going on in the personal lives of Steph Curry's parents.

And that's about it. We draw the line at politics. That's where we set up a wall, if you will. That's a border we never go beyond. We're Truman. We're Truman and the Truman Show. Jim Carrey and the Truman Show. When we get to that edge, we're about to say something that might piss one side or the other side off, and we just stay away. I'm someone who's not polarizing. Everyone loves me. I am the, how should we say, the Jerry Seinfeld of podcasts. We don't do any third rail politics.

We're just an electric solar powered train that's running through with no third rail topics. So let's get right into it. The midterms. Trump is going to kill reporters! We don't know what happened, and I'll just be straightforward with you. We're recording this in 2018, and it's coming out in 2022.

So for a topical show that's a little bit of a challenge. So we tried to find some evergreen news, like Tesla having some problems because 40,000 cars have been recalled because their computers aren't functioning correctly. What happened? Well, guys got in their car, and they wanted to watch a little Netflix

while it was charging up, and somehow Asian porn got on there. Who's getting in there? Well, I'll tell you. Some hackers are having some fun because, like I said, our boy Elon is busy trying to figure out what he's going to do with the world's bathroom wall.

Good thing he bought that. What are people allowed to post so they can read while they're shitting out of their mouth and while they're shitting out of their ass? It's something that you scroll or post on when you want to shit out of your mouth or while you're shitting out of their ass. It's something that you scroll or post on when you want to shit out of your mouth or while you're shitting out of your asshole. Either way, it involves shit. So good job. Now his worth is down to $200 billion.

Boy, did it make him poor. God, it's almost as much as, it's like Ari Shafir investing half of his worth in his special Jew. fear investing half of his worth in a special Jew. Somebody won the Powerball in California, and it was a big one, but nobody's a bigger winner than the government

who is surreptitiously, clandestinely the winner of every single Powerball lotto that's ever been. It's incredible how they do that, right? First of all, they take all your money, and then when they give you money,

they take half of that. That's fun. We're going to talk about that. Somebody needs to tax them on them taxing the guy who won it. And by the way, if you're the guy who won it, move to Monaco.

Get out of here. Change your name. Put on a mustache. Have AC Cowling drive you to Mexico. Get the fuck out of Dodge because your neighbors are going to be very interested in your whereabouts. Skittles are bad for you.

Is that news? Is that news? Are you surprised that there's something in Skittles that's going to put you in the grave? I mean, seriously. You're eating something that's sitting on a shelf that's not refrigerated, that is the color red, and it's not an apple that dies in four days. Okay? If you're eating Skittles and then you're crying about it later, you know what?

You're stupid. Skittles are going to kill you. They're going to kill you. Okay? Anything that is candy will kill you. But I had no idea titanium was in Skittles. Go figure. Never read the packaging on anything.

Never, ever read the packaging on anything. Just pop them in your mouth and enjoy your time in Times Square. Dirkiewicz, who was a lawyer, he's a lawyer, Dirkiewicz, right? He was on trial because some girl said that he was part of Epstein's crew, the bad news bears, if you will,

of the bad news bears of playing the sport of underage fondling. That was their game. He was accused of something, and supposedly the lady has dropped the lawsuit after saying, I might have misidentified him with another old Jew. You know how they all look the same, but she is accused of anti-Semitism. God damn it.

We just got demonetized. Can we have a sarcasm font for talk? That's what we need. Dertchewich. I mean, I get it. I mean, he looks, I mean, all you got to do is walk the streets of Brooklyn and you'll see Alan Dertchewich five million times.

It's like walking around Minnesota and going, is that Ilan Omar? Russia and the United States are sitting down for the first time in a long time to talk nukes. Thank God. Thank God some old pals are getting together to talk about the same old stuff. And Ben Affleck and J-Lo

have gotten married, and Jennifer Lopez quite controversially has taken Ben Affleck's name. And of course, like everything, this has people in an uproar. Is she not a feminist? Is she giving in to the patriarchy? Is she submitting to the white man's patriarchy

and giving up her strong Latina last name of Lopez? Dare I say iconic Lopez. Is she no longer Jenny from the block? What are we to make of this? Well, I say it's a very romantic gesture. And they will live happily ever after until 2023. This is Long Days and let's get deep into, you know, but stay fluffy and fun. We're going to find out half of what's the dullest today. Before we get into this very light and fluffy episode, I just want to give you guys some of my live dates.

Thank you for coming out to see me in Austin or Austin, November 11th and 12th. Who knows? Detroit, Michigan, December 1st through the 3rd. Get tickets. Jacksonville, Florida, December 8th through the 10th. Charlotte, North Carolina, December 15th through the 3rd, get tickets. Jacksonville, Florida, December 8th through the 10th. Charlotte, North Carolina, December 15th through the 17th. Punchline in Philly for New Year's Eve, baby. December 29th through the 31st.

West Nyack, New York, January 20th through the 22nd. San Diego, January 26th through the 28th. Chicago, February 24th and 25th and 26th, Atlantic City, March 3rd, E-Mouse, Pennsylvania at the E-Mouse Theater, March 4th, Dallas, Texas in Plano, March 16th through the 18th, House of Comedy in Phoenix, Arizona, March 30th through the 1st, Tampa, Florida, April 21, 22, Providence, Rhode Island, May 12, and May 13. Also added just recently, Missouri. Missouri.

Missouri. And it looks like Arlington Draft House is coming in, too, for March 9th through the 11th as well. And San Francisco. So be on the lookout for all these tickets at yannispappascomedy.com. Come see me live, do my thing on the Girl Dad Tour. Jared Harvin will be there, the very funny young gun Jared Harvin. So get your tickets right now. Don't miss it because satisfaction is always guaranteed.

If you're not satisfied, I will give you your money back, even though it's not my authority to do so. Sorry, the snooze juice went down the wrong pipe. Also, patreon.com slash yannilongdays for your bonus episodes, and come on over. It sounds like you guys aren't thrilled with the Tim Dillon one right now, so we'll take it.

We'll take it. So, Jared has COVID. I'm getting over a cold. Jesse will get his COVID for the second time. And it's what it is. I'm so glad I got to get on a plane with you tomorrow. Or what is it, Friday? Or whatever it is.

Or wherever we are. Why you got to put the COVID on me? Because you started it with your trip to Asia. You started it. I think you confused me with stefan marbury dog jared i mean is there a more popular popular black person in china than stefan marbury no he is their god yeah yeah but don't lie jared you were doing a suny purchase uh hamlet play over in china and that's where you brought COVID to America.

I forgot which Sunni you went to because they all are pretty shitty. Oneonta. Oneonta. Yeah, it's the Harvard of North fucking, of Northeast New York State. Yeah. Oneonta. The Harvard of drinking.

It's a major in bong rips. It majors in syphilis and uh accident the fentanyl overdose oneonta um it's a fun week the midterms happened uh to be quite honest with you i've already admitted we don't know what happened we don't know we are pre-recording um right now so we have no clue what's going to happen we do know that desantis and Trump have a fun little thing going on right now because they're teammates, but they're also rivals. It kind of reminds me of Shaq and Kobe. Are they kind of not like the Shaq and Kobe of the Republican Party right now?

Right? I wonder which one we would call Shaq and which one would be Kobe. I'd say Trump is Kobe and DeSantis is Shaq I say Trump is Shaq why because he can't get his diet diet in order right yeah no body wise he definitely looks more like Shaq but if you think about it DeSantis already DeSantis already down there in Miami so that's where that's where Shaq went and uh I think he just gave DeSantis he preemptively gave DeSantis a nickname. Everyone who goes up against Trump is going to get a nickname.

So it's kind of like a nip. If you see a nickname pop up, you're in trouble. It's like if you go to the locker room and there's a pink slip in your locker. Things are not going, what do you call them? He called them discombobulated.

Ron Discombobulated or something like that is his new nickname. So, but he did cast his vote for him in Florida. And he sent a message to him, stay in Florida, is what he said. I want you to stay in Florida. So he basically gave Ron DeSantis the message that Jewish children give their parents on the holidays. Stay down there. Ma, yeah, no, listen.

Yeah, Margie's parents are coming. What? What? I can't hear you. Son, we're coming up for, what? Yeah, no, we'll be there for Thanksgiving. What? No, Ma, seriously.

Don't come to Long Island. Just stay down there. I promise you we'll be down there for the December holidays. Yes, I'll take you and dad to Mexico. Just please stay down. No, we're going to come up. Okay, I got this sweater that I bought you that I need to bring up there early. Please stay in Florida, Pablo, honey.

Come to Florida. So, yeah, Trump told him to stay in Florida meaning don't run don't run because it's going to be him announcing uh he said he has a very special announcement November 15th I love how he's doing it like we don't know right he couldn't help himself either he couldn't help himself to try to steal the thunder of the midterms, right? Because he's going like, I don't want to steal the thunder of the midterms, so I have a very special announcement on November 15th. I think you just did. And also, we know you're going to do it, okay?

We know. What else is he going to do? Just play golf in Mar-a-Lago? No, the guy loves the action. He loves the action. So he's called, oh, my apologies. He's called him Ron DeSanctimonious.

Ron DeSanctimonious. Trump at 71. Ron DeSanctimonious at 10%. That sounds like an N1 basketball player. He said Mike Pence at 7. Oh, Mike. Mike's doing better than I

thought. I mean, he just rips everybody apart. He's back. He's back to tear this country to shreds. Can we just call him Hurricane Trump at this point? At his rally in Miami, former President Trump promoted Governor Ron DeSantis' bid for governor. He probably said it like that. I support Ron DeSantis for governor governor. He probably said it like that. I support Ron DeSantis

for governor. Let me say that again. For governor of Florida. Stay in Florida. Stay in Florida. He probably said it with my one like that. Stay in Florida, you fucking piece of shit. These guys,

the Republican Party's not big for the two of them. I think Ron DeSantis won't try him either. Do you think he's going to try him, or do you think Ron DeSantis is going like, no, I think this is my team now. I think this is my team. What do you think? Is he going to challenge him? Anybody that makes a Top Gun commercial got some type of pride, bro,

so I think he's going to challenge him. He's got some pride. He's got some aspiration. I mean, he put a budget into that TopGov. Will it be TopGov versus King Maga? Yeah. That's what it's going to be. At a certain point,

we're devolving to the point where our candidates are just going to be megalomaniac. The debates, you know what the debates are going to look like? They're going to look like an episode of Wildin' Out. Pretty soon they're going to be freestyle raps that Nick Cannon is going to host with an audience going

oh shit! Did he just call Nancy Pelosi an animal? Oh shit! Did her husband just get hammered over the head and I could have had the decency to wait a little bit? No! Because she crossed me and did something so she's an animal. He called her an animal in his the head and I could have had the decency to wait a little bit. No, because she crossed me and did something. So she's an animal.

He called her an animal in his speech last week. Nobody's toning it down. Nobody's toning it down. And nobody's got any class right now. This is classless. It's a very classless time. Or enough, Trump, stop, move on. What was the other one? Go scroll up. classless. It's a very classless time. Or enough Trump, stop, move on.

What was the other one? Go scroll up. Ron D. Sanctimonious. Ron D. said no to Fauci. That's another angle. Says Chip Roy who's a House representative from Texas. I've had enough, dog. Get me out of here. Just keep it there for a second. That is a member of the House

of Representatives on Twitter saying out of here just go keep it there for a second that is a member of the house of representatives on twitter saying uh quote tweeting ron d sanctimonious and so and going here's another one or ron d said no to fauci that's another angle i'm glad that we're really appealing to the highest level of education here this is name calling this is first grade shit yeah is this not first grade shit it's getting wild out there isn't it it's getting wild out there it all started with the jimmy fallon tonight show once once they started smashing eggs over each other's faces, I think that opened the door for a Trump presidency. Nobody's drawn that connection except me, okay? Because when I saw that show start,

I love Jimmy Fallon to death. I don't know him and I don't care and I'm lying. But he's a good guy, okay? But once I saw that he started smashing eggs over, like him and he was sitting down, you know, him and Thor would sit down and they'd stare at each other's faces. They smash eggs.

And I was going, his writing staff looks like a kindergarten class. That really opened the door because the Tonight Show is the cultural institution of America. And that went from Johnny Carson and, you know, sketches and bits to that. To that. To that right there. And you you want to go who wrote that once james corden started hopping into the car and singing with lady gaga you started going this is kind of opening the door culturally for our politics to also reflect our culture i don't know which came first the chicken or the egg but they both walked into the fires of hell together

ended up on jimmy fallon's head yeah here it is there it is look at that that's john ham and jimmy fallon sitting down for a good egg on the face game they got a name for it oh it's called egg roulette i'm sorry i didn't i didn't mean to demean it they did have come up with a title for it i think that was the only piece of writing that happened for that bit. The rest of it was physical. He walked in and some 12 year old goes, and he went genius. So we do,

you know, I think that there's a connection. I really do. You've seen the arts kind of devolve auto tune. You know, then you've seen comedy kind of devolved to egg smashing onune. Then you see comedy kind of devolve to egg smashing on the face. And now you see your presidents devolving

to everyone getting a nickname. They've all given each other nicknames. Ron DeSanctimonious will not be running against Donald Trump. Our government is just the inside of a girl's bathroom. It really has become that. Speaking of inside of a girl's bathroom, I mean, what's going to happen with Twitter, huh?

That's what everyone wants to know. I love the fact that Elon Musk is figuring it out as he's going. He's such a busy guy. He didn't have any plans going in. He's just throwing ideas out there against the wall publicly. But I think ultimately he wants to put it all behind a paywall. I think that's the thing. He's going to make it like Patreon.

So he spent 44 bill to buy Twitter now. And now the latest is that he's saying everyone's going to pay for it, right? He's trying to figure out because he needs to try to make his money back. That's what he wants to do. Yeah. And in order to, he understands that his, by trying to meet the standard of his goal, which is to support free speech,

advertising is not the best model for that, right? Because the advertisers don't want you to say certain things. So he's trying to figure out a way where people can talk freely. And the only way they can do that is uh by paying for it which i think is good because i think if you have to pay to scream the n-word i don't think you will i don't think anyone's paying and if they i think you should allow people to say the n-word if they pay for. Because then you go, okay, then that guy really means it. He's not just saying it to be a troll. And then you get to identify real racists as opposed to people who are just trying to troll.

Because a lot of people just go on there and they shout shit because they're anonymous and they want to fuck shit up. They want to be destructive. It's like hackers. Sometimes when you ask a hacker, why'd you do what he did? And he's like, I don't know.

It was because it was fun. I just wanted to fuck shit up. Because humans will, that's what we do. So, but if a guy pays eight bucks to yell the N word, you're going, okay, that's a real racist right there. He's committed. He's invested. He's invested in his own racism. You know, that's the difference. It's like when you go to a comedy show that's free, you know, and audience doesn't have to pay. The audience is always kind of shitty. They're kind of like, uh.

But when you pay, you know, you really bring it. So if you pay eight bucks, you know, and you're a racist, you're going to bring it. I think the N-word would be uninventive for somebody who paid eight bucks. I think if you paid eight bucks, you're going to see some shit. Yeah. They're going to put on a show. Yeah.

So that's what he's caught between, the advertising model and the subscription model. And he boasted recently that Twitter's engagement is at an all-time high, which is probably true right now. And I don't know what he's going to do. The $8 is what he's touting, is it's going to cost you $8.

$8 is a lot, dude. How much is Netflix? Probably like around $12. $12. Then you got Hulu or Sling, everyone's paying for, right? Then you got the occasional rub and tug that you got to go to. I'm just trying to factor this into everyone's budget, right? Then you got the two for 20 meal at Applebee's, right?

That's a hot family date, right? Then you got gas. Then you got your car payment. Twitter, eight bucks. I think you're going to see it shrink. But financially, he could make his money back, right? Because what's like eight times 100,000? It's funny to see Elon Musk even using the 10,000 fan model.

You know? I think he got on the phone with a comedian podcaster and was like, how should I do this? And like, look, dude, all you got to do is focus on 10,000 fans. If 10,000 fans give you eight bucks, what should I do this? And I'm like, look, dude, all you got to do is focus on 10,000 fans. If 10,000 fans give you eight bucks, what is that right there? You know? Would you stay on Twitter for eight bucks?

I'd stay on there. You'd stay on there. You get everything. Sports, scandals, dramas, porns. Would you stay on for eight bucks? Because his goal is he wants good news on there. Twitter is my go-to social media. For news. I think normal people use it.

That's what I check the most. So normal people use it for news, I think, the most, right? Comedians use it for jokes. For jokes. Like a virtual open mic for us. Right. It's a virtual open mic and also to promote our dates. Trolls use it to sling the N-word.

And that's it, really, though. Normal people, you know, I think you would get rid of all the trash if you made it like a higher society club. Basically, he's charging a cover. If it was a club, he's going, all right, this is going to be a cover. Unless he can keep the bots off. I think that's what the solution is to the bots, right? Yes.

Because someone could just make like a million Twitter accounts, but if they each have to pay $8 for those. They're not going to do it. They're not going to do it. Unless you're a real, unless you're a government and you can invest that. And then that'll be the next level. But he's trimming it down.

He'll be trimming the fat at that point. He also laid off half the company. He laid off half the company. He might've done that just as a troll. He might've just laid them off as a troll. all right i'm just clearing house um or not he probably did it to save a couple bucks too he's got to save some save some dollars but this is actually not a horrible idea right like i kind of see i kind of see the way he's thinking he's going this will get rid of the trash. Because when media was better, you know, media used to be a lot better.

I like to sometimes go back and watch old news reports, you know, where the reporter was a little, you know, it wasn't like Michael Moore throwing his fat frame into every shot, you know, when they just stayed more anonymous. I'm not saying I don't like Michael Moore. I'm just saying, like, stay off camera, guy. You got chef body. Stay in the kitchen.

There's no need for you to be in the movie, you know? Hire Jared Harvin to ask the questions. But you know my point. They all inserted themselves in the story. Yeah. And you look at the old news and they did it. And news back then you know was subscription-based the only one that's managed to stay good with the advertising model is 60 minutes

60 minutes is still good and has always been good you know but i think that's their brand right but it also shows it's not impossible it's not impossible to do good news and have sponsors you know you just have to go, that's our brand. If you don't like it, don't buy ad space. You have to have someone with morals at the top. You can't just do capitalism without what your principle is. And I think that's what we're trying to get at, right? It's like, if you're going to be a shameless, just moneymaker, we at least want to identify you as that. I think that's really what he's trying to go for. And I applaud that because I think that's what the problem is. I think the problem is not that there's shit on Twitter or that there's trolling on Twitter. I think the problem is nobody knows

who anyone is. And I think that's the situation that he's trying to fix. He wants you to go, this is a real news outlet this is a real person this is this and at least you start there and then you could start handling the disinformation stuff like that but at first you got to identify who who everyone is we can't have this strobe light ho environment where the lights are off and everyone's fucking hooking up and then when the lights come on you you go, Ew! I didn't know you were a troll account from Brazil. I thought you were a main news source.

We can't have that. That's what happens. It's a strobe light home media environment where everyone's in the club and the lights are down and they're playing some fucking sexy music and everyone's hooking up. Have a couple of drinks. You feel nice. You go back home, and you realize you slept with BuzzFeed.

Exactly. Yo, BuzzFeed is a real strobe light hoe. They have a good banner and everything. Good name, BuzzFeed. And then you get home, and you realize they were wearing Spanx the whole time. Yeah. You realize it was a dude. Dude looks like a lady.

You get home and you read the Steele dossier and you realize it should have been a listicle. That's what he's trying to get at, I think. Guys, we're brought to you by the king of mowing down your fumes, Manscaped.

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all one word for 15% off. Give it a try, man. I had mine just with nothing, but you can add oat milk, nut milk, honey. It's delicious. It's absolutely delicious. I tried it, and it's a great caffeine alternative that just gives you a little caffeine but lots of healthy benefits. You could probably go about it in a better way, maybe not carry the sink in and go let that sink in. Yeah, the guy wants to be funny so bad. He wants to be funny so bad he wants to be funny so bad jesse just said it perfectly i think he's i think he is a comedy fan and i get it that

we appreciate that thank you very much and i know you want comedy to be legal on twitter but why don't you leave it to the professionals why don't you just stick to egghead shit you're an egghead okay you're a fucking brilliant guy who apparently is a non-practicing fucking Mormon because you're reproducing more than a fucking cockroach. Okay?

I mean, he's like, can I make another kid to not pay attention to? I mean, how many kids does he want to grow up fatherless with the last name Musk? Yeah. Comedy should be legal.

Don't get mad at me. I know I got personal, but don't get mad at me. Freedom of speech, you cock fucker. I mean, the kid is a fucking sperm machine. It's the white Nick Cannon. Yeah, Jesus Christ. He's got more

fucking kids than Madonna and Angelina Jolie's adopted combined. Are Angelina Jolie and Madonna's kids ever going to apply for an IMF loan? Because Jesus Christ, they got a fucking population of third world kids. That was a good smart joke.

No, Jess? Yeah. That would be funny if Angelina just shows up at the IMF like I'm here for a loan. You're like, what? You're like, well, you know, I got a whole population of third world kids in my living room. And I can't afford it. How many kids does she have that she adopted from fucking Madagascar? Six kids. You know, what's funny about these celebrities? It's a very interesting thing because they claim to be such good people that give and all that stuff, but they're such narcissists

that they'll never give birth to a kid out of their own body because they don't want to mess it up because they know how valuable it is for them to be hot. So they're caught in between this thing of like, hey, I'm an ambassador for the UN. I'm such a good person, but I'm also a stone-cold narcissist who doesn't want stretch marks. So I made my Honduras babysitter fucking give birth to every single one of my kids. I don't even know how that creepy shit works.

What do they do? They just stick the baby in someone else's womb? Surrogate. Yeah, how does that work? Like an in vitro. They just like, you know, pump it. They take the egg and the sperm of another person and put it in her womb? Yeah.

Take a little syringe, pump it in like it's butter to a turkey on Thanksgiving. I thought you were going to try to explain it. I was going to be like, listen to Jared. Yeah, they take a turkey baster and they fucking shoot it in there. Yeah, because none of the three of us, we could put our heads together and we could never come up with how they do it. Yeah. I mean, how's that even possible?

That's crazy, right? And you're telling me that they can do that, but they didn't create any of these kids who become stars? You're telling me that that didn't happen? You're hooked on that, man. I know I'm hooked on that, but you're telling me Selena Gomez? Where's her parents? Again, who's Selena Gomez's parents?

They make those kids. Selena Gomez is a real person. Have you seen that forehead, dog? Yes. Her forehead looks fucking big. Her forehead looks bigger than the Alamo. Let's take a peek. Is she old enough to say she's hot yet, or what's the deal?

Yeah, she's like 28. She's hot. But she has a peculiar face. I mean, you are a picky son of a... I'm not. She's pretty, but she... Look at that head, dog. Dude, that head is not that big.

It's weirdly shaped. My God, dude. Most people would say they'd clean her like a cat. I wouldn't, because I'm married. I mean, she's a... But I think most people would say that they would crack her open and clean her out and clean her like a cat and give her a cat bath. She's pretty.

She is. Pretty's not the word, bro. She's a smokehead. I mean, Jesus Christ, dog. Where's the forehead? It's right there. You don't see the shape? No.

You want to see a big forehead? Look at that thing. My face is too small for my head. Now fucking people are going to notice it and never let it go. There you go. There's your reward. There's another one about me. My face is fucking this big and the rest of my head,

and I got a tiny head. I look like Beetlejuice, especially when I gain weight. You ever see me with a little weight on me? I look like I got a fucking peanut head. It looked like someone put a peanut on top of a piece of bread. That's what my body looks like. It looks like a peanut on top of a piece of bread. That's what my body looks like. It looks like a peanut on Wonder Bread. And my face looks like it's being pulled into my nose.

It's a vortex that opens up on your face. As my nose grows and my eyes collide together, there's a gravitational pull between my eyes. It's like my face collide together. There's a gravitational pull between my eyes. It's like my face is converting. It's like caving into the middle of my head. Dog, you are so wrong. That is fake news about Selena Gomez. I didn't say she was ugly.

I'm just saying she has a big head. Oh, God. Most people would say they'd like to bury their face in those tatas. I won't say that because I'm married. But Jesus Christ. Jesus Christ, God. Most people would say they'd like to bury their face in those tatas. I won't say that because I'm married. But Jesus Christ. Jesus Christ, sweetheart. Do you need to take a shower on my tongue?

That's what someone would say who wasn't married. And who didn't have kids who was going to one day watch this and try to bring it in as a science project. Hey, it's career day. You want to see what my daddy does? And then just pulls up a clip of me going, you want to take a bath on my tongue? Is what people would say.

Finish the sentence. Is what people would say. Now, what's her age? She's like 27, 28. Thank God. Jesus Christ. Jesus Christ. Dane Cook's daughter is his wife.

Is she 20 yet? She's 30. She's 30, dog. Yeah, I'm safe. Yeah. So I repeat. I repeat. Most people would say they like to

like to treat treat her foot, treat her athlete's foot with their mouth. Most people would say that. Yeah, I don't think talking to the third person is really helping you out, dog. Oh, God. Yeah, I don't know what you're talking about. I think you could line up 10 out of 10 guys and not one person would mention her forehead, Jordan.

Jared, what are you talking about? When her hair is pulled back, dog, she's got like an alien-shaped head. That's all I'm saying. She's very pretty. But also, I do recognize that I should shut up because I'm probably going to meet her sometime during my career,

so I take back everything I just said. Yeah, right. You constantly have to remember, you're on the Long Days podcast I'm probably going to meet her sometime during my career, so I take back everything I just said. Yeah, right. You constantly have to remember, you're on the Long Days podcast. You're going to be careful. You've got to let me do that. Yeah. I'm the guy with most of my career behind me. Yeah, yeah.

I'll let you do that. I'll let you do that. My career is like this. My career is like this. I'm driving, but the whole time I'm looking in the rearview mirror. I'm looking at an open road behind, and you open your mouth there's traffic ahead my friend there is not one iota of extra forehead on that head and nor is it a weird shaped head okay all right how good must it be to be 24 young,

good looking to be able to find those flaws? Because if Selena Gomez looked at me, if she walked by me, I would bottle the smell off her body, take it off and throw it on my penises. What the people said who would do that. I would bottle up her scent. She'd walk by and go like this.

I would bottle up her scent. She'd walk by and go like this. Is what people have told me. So basically you would treat Selena Gomez like a firefly. Yes, I would. Her scent. Did I just say I would bottle up Selena Gomez's scent in an I love a la mug and then treat it like evil lovey as pocket pussy?

Yes, I did. I would bottle it up and fuck her scent. Is what the people who would say that type of thing would say is my point. This is a great midterm election episode. Wait a second. What's this? Cultural appropriation? Here's Selena Gomez with her hair braided.

Now, as the Puerto Rican man, do you condone this action? She's Mexican, so. Oh, okay. Yeah. Jesus Christ. You didn't get that from the Gomez part? Is Gomez? There's no Gomez Puerto Rican.

Luis Gomez is Puerto Rican And he lets you know it Every time he drops the N word As if that's some sort of Makes it okay But Yeah Gomez This can be Puerto Rican Right

I believe so yeah She's from San Antonio So Yeah I don't know all the fucking rules Is Vasquez Puerto Rican Vasquez is Puerto Rican Yeah

Yeah I mean this look This is the look Yeah that's the one that Jesse would go to Tahiti and get scurvy for. Would you let her kill you like a praying mantis if she said, you can have sex with me, but then I kill you? Yeah, she'd bite my head off. Yeah.

Right after. Right after. A lot of people, I think, would say, yeah. I think a lot of people would let her. She said, hey, I'm going to murder you, but you get to sleep with me first. A lot of people would go, okay would say, yeah. I think a lot of people would let her. She said, hey, I'm going to murder you, but you get to sleep with me first. A lot of people would go, okay, let me get my will ready. I'll take that deal.

And Jesse would go, okay, you can have my baby Socrates statue. She's not going to get much. Oh, God. Well, we know what the name of this episode is. Selena Gomez's fumes and the Selena Gomez fumes. Bottled Selena Gomez fumes. She could actually sell it. If her career went belly up, Selena Gomez could walk.

She could do this. She could do this to make money. And I swear to God, she'd make a lot of money. She could go, okay, okay guys show up in this closed room with no windows i will walk back and forth and you can bottle up my smell and people would pay for that she'd be walking by creating like a little draft and people would just be people would sniff as she went by that's how hot she is she's hot dude like a dog sniffing for bombs at the tsa line here's the thing about her too she's hot, dude. Like a dog sniffing for bombs at the TSA line.

Here's the thing about her, too. She's also, like, smart, and she has, like, anxiety and depression, which is, like, hot for smarter guys. So you know a lot of nerds will show up. A lot of nerds will show up, like, hey, Selena. Because she's, like, was in a Woody Allen movie. She's got anxiety, depression.

That means she's a thinker, you know, because nobody stupid has depression. Let's be honest. People talk about, look, I hate when hearing, like, Andrew Tate, and people go, like, I don't believe in depression. you know because nobody's stupid has depression let's be honest people talk about look i hate when hearing like andrew tate and people go like i don't believe in depression yeah you know you're going to a house there's someone some person says they believe in ghosts they hear knock in the night then then they say there's ghosts i don't believe in ghosts just like you didn't believe in

depression did that yeah it probably means your brain's not working that good anyone who can think is going to be depressed because we are floating on a rock in the middle of nowhere and if you're aware of that that's a little disconcerting if you can't look at the state of this country and get a little depressed guess what you're special my dude you're special wait for the van it's coming it's taking you to bowl don't you hate how people malign people with depression it's like people should be depressed things are bad if you're depressed it means you're fucking looking around a little bit i'm more scared of a person who's like everything's great which is a more

scary look if i knock on your door i want to ask you guys i show up hey what's going on how you doing yeah man i don't know. I hope things don't go over with this midterm. It could be bad. I hope democracy doesn't crumble and we turn into autocracy. I can see the comments now of all the fucking Trump sycophants. Can you get off his dick? Just get off his dick.

Why are people so hard on his dick? You're such a dick rider. You can see them in the comments now oh yanni don't talk about my jesus that way that's my daddy yeah he's your daddy you little fucking cock what's worse me showing up at your door oh yeah trump fucking i don't know if that was the best move calling a man it's i'm really not i hope nuclear war doesn't happen really could you know both sides do have nukes you know if you look at the history the the wars do happen, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera.

Or me showing up going, hi. Hi. Have you ever heard about the Jehovah's Witness program? Yeah. Hi, my name's Stacy. Here's some literature. Hi, I'm here from the Church of Mormon Latter-day Saints. How are you?

Which one's a little weirder? One is wearing who they are in their sleeve. The other one's hiding it. Because all of us are, like, imperfect, you know? Hi. Anyway, Selena Gomez. She'll run for president probably in 2036 or something. And I'll vote for her.

You know? They got to open it up dog open it up to everybody i'd like to see a justin bieber saloon salida gomez ticket former lovers he's got at least once yank it out to her now the baldwin girl she's cute yeah now we're definitely going to get age monetized. For the sexual con, we're getting age monetized. Right? Who cares? Let's just go with it.

People who listen will still have a good time. Yeah. On YouTube, this will get 16,000 views. But, you know, it's funny. That's a good position to be in because, you know, oftentimes when you want a little break, I mean, she's smoking too. But, you know, the funny thing is he has that whenever he wants so it's just funny to think that even justin bieber marriage even justin bieber is probably sneaking off one in the shower to selena gomez even he's getting sick of it he's going oh jesus the baldwin girl again

which is basically like like doing it with himself. I mean, they both look like Baldwin girls. They look like twins. Yeah. It's like, if you show me that picture and said, which one is the Baldwin girl? I'd go, I don't know, both? I mean, Justin Bieber looks like Haley Baldwin

transitioned into a man. Justin Bieber looks like a F to M Baldwin girl. Female to male transitioner. Jesus Christ. Yeah. I don't blame pretty girls, though, you know, for being dumb. It's like, what are you going to do? Nobody's responding to the things that you have to say.

You know, this girl started talking. I mean, the only reason you're listening is because you want to catch some of her fumes. Anyway. Speaking of young pop stars, this Dershowitz thing is interesting. So what's his name? Larry Dershowitz? Alan. Alan Dershowitz. Now interesting. So what's his name, Larry Dershowitz? Allen. Allen Dershowitz.

Now, he's a criminal defense lawyer. And then we'll get to Lopez and Affleck. People are upset, which I think is hilarious. Who cares? People can't make anything not political. So her name was Virginia. I want to read this article like they're doing it in his house and his parents would probably steal here

because a lot of times Jew parents will live to like 150 Virginia Goofrey drops her name was Virginia Goofrey drops her loss was it a criminal suit or a civil suit Virginia Goofrey one of dozens of women who have accused Jeffrey Epstein of sexual misconduct, and dropped her lawsuit

claiming former Harvard Law School professor Alan Dershkowitz was among the men with whom Epstein compelled her to have sex. The lawsuit accused him of defaming her when he didn't. Oh, so it's like that's the lawsuit, is defaming.

That's probably hard to prove anyway, right? So she's basically claiming he defamed her when he denied the claim. Yeah, that doesn't mean anything. That doesn't mean he didn't do it. But she did end up saying, I may have mistaken him for someone else, right? Which she probably got a couple of bucks to say. She kind of probably got a couple bucks to say that. Goofy 39 has also accused Britain's Prince Andrew

of sexually abusing her when she was 17. That lawsuit was dismissed earlier this year after the two reached a settlement. Let me change that sentence for you a second. The two reached a settlement. Let me change that sentence for you a second. The two reached a settlement and the lawsuit was dismissed. How about them apples? Instead of the lawsuit was dismissed earlier this year

after the two reached a settlement. No, reverse that sentence. Prince Andrew has denied the claim. Yeah, as if he's going to say, yeah, I did do it. They did it, right? They did it. Otherwise, why would girls say that they did it?

No question. You know? They did it. I think it's safe to say if you were friends with Jeffrey Epstein, I don't mean like took a picture with him. You know, the guy was like a socialite, so he's in pictures with everybody. But if you got on that plane, what do you think was going on down there?

You know? You're going into these like international waters. Yeah, they're just going down there to play a couple of rounds of golf on a secret island that's like as big as my backyard. I got a nice piece of land. Like, you know what was going on down there.

Nobody had golf clubs checked on the plane. I bet you every single one of those guys that got on the plane did this when they got on. I bet you they were all sitting there doing this. By the way, here's a good... sitting there doing this. By the way, here's a good, Epstein shared hotel suite with Bill Clinton and worried about being poisoned. Jesse, what sources are you pulling out?

Oh, is this the Daily Beast? Okay, that's decent. Juliet Bryant was a Cape Town cocktail, was at a Cape Town, when a friend, when an associate approached her, this guy's bothering me. The woman, American actress,

Nadja Hill told him that night. Can I hang out with you guys? Yeah. I was a silly young 20 year old and thought it sounded like an amazing opportunity considering the people he was with. Let me ask you this question.

How many women were on that plane? Can you just Google, were there any women in Jeffrey Epstein's flight logs? Jesus, I didn't want to make it complicated for you. There were plenty of women. Were there? Yeah, just haven't hit puberty yet. Good call. Yeah.

To be women. There was a lot of to be women. There was a lot of people who one day will be women. A lot of women prequels on that flight. Yeah. There was a lot of women who in 15 years will be considered a woman. The cockpit door stayed closed. I certainly did not see anything on the plane. That's the pilot.

That's the pilot. But I wonder if there was any women. Bill Gates traveled to Epstein's Island multiple times. False claim, they say. Wait a second. Reuters is saying false claim. You know what the problem is, dude? You know what the real problem is, man?

I think the problem is, is people have just, even if it's a false claim, nobody knows. And like, it's not far-fetched that a lot of these people have allies in the press, you know? And money will do anything. Money will make people do anything. So you just don't know. You just don't know.

But according to Reuters, Bill Gates did not get on the plane. They'd met in the past, but the flight logs, which are recently subpoenaed, it's untrue. So I buy that. So if someone looked at the flight log, flight records confirmed subpoenaed, it's untrue. So I buy that.

So if someone looked at the flight log, flight records confirm that Bill Gates went to Epsi. No, but that's not true. Yeah. So maybe that's not true. If they looked at the flight logs, but could have been done. But that's the thing with conspiracy. You can always go down and go down the rabbit hole. But also if he wasn't, that's pretty shitty that people think he was.

And that happens too, right? That happens to a lot of people. That's the other side of it. So the crux of this is nobody trusts the press anymore. That's the problem. So if Elon Musk could do something on Twitter to increase the press's reputation, then that would

help. I don't know. Maybe it will. Maybe it will. You know? Just like if you join patreon.com slash yannilongdays, I promise to give you objective, objective news over there. Over here, we go for salaciousness because it's free

and we're dependent on dad grass. You know what I'm saying? You guys want some Bon Charge? It's over here. You want the objective news? Go over, pay $5. Go to patreon.com slash Yanni Longdays and go listen to our bonus, our bonuses, our weekly bonuses.

So he wants to put Twitter behind the paywall and Tesla has just recalled 40,000 cars because of malfunctions. So it's almost like my joke came to life from last week is that he's so busy that, you know, and people got mad when I posted that because people are

such humorless cunts and they're so far up these heroes' asses now, you know? It's like, if you agree with positions, then that means you're,

everyone's got their little daddy. Everyone's their daddy. Like, Trump's my daddy. Everyone's their daddy. Trump's my daddy. Elon's my daddy. You can't make any jokes about these people. I made a joke about Elon Musk and people were like, Yanni's a libtard. Look, if I'm going to have people call me a Trump supporter or a libtard, I'm going to pay eight bucks for it. If I'm going to put my career on the line or be called a libtard or Trump supporter, I want to also pay eight bucks for it. Or I'd like, if you're going to call me a libtard or a Trump supporter, I'd like you to pay eight bucks for it. And then I'll respect you. You bought a ticket to criticize me on Twitter.

So yeah, they've recalled 40,000. That's not a little. Model S, goddammit, that's my model. That could experience a loss of... That's the hardest I've seen Jared laugh. You're talking all this

shit. Yeah, shit. God damn it. Until it affects me. Okay. Well, you know what's funny? I did this morning on my drive here. I could not do power steering assist. My phone tried to hit the brakes.

It's not working. Like, wait, what's going on? Are they going to recall my test now? An October firmware release has caused some vehicles to lose power steering when driving over bumpy roads and potholes. Okay, that hasn't happened, but this morning I couldn't do fucking cruise control. The point is, is you're too busy, dog. He heard you.

He cut off all your power. Yeah, it's probably what he did. Oh, it's probably what he did. Oh, fuck. It's probably what he did. He heard it's probably what he did. Oh, fuck. It's probably what he did. He heard my jokes and he did not like it. He's not busy enough not to do that. He's not busy enough to do that.

I mean, I mean, please, please just leave my tests alone. Okay? I just got another one. So please, stop. Yeah, I ordered another one. They're not that expensive. They're very affordable. They take a while to come.

Yeah. But I'm used to that. Look at my career. You better make sure that Tesla has airbags, dog. Yeah. So what does that mean when you recall? They all have, all 40,000 have to go back? Yeah, they go back or be sent back.

And then what do they do? They fix them and resend them or are they just like, they fix them and resend them? They'll probably just give you a new one. Do they give you a credit? Obviously, they must give you a credit.

Do they give you another car to drive or something or are you just like stuck taking the bus? Reduced or lost power stealing assist does not affect steering control 97% of the recalled vehicles have installed a new update that addresses the issue

no further action is necessary for these owners 314 vehicles with the problem as of the first of the month in November but the company is not aware of any injuries or death shares of the automaker were down more than 4% early Tuesday.

Good time to buy. Good time to buy. Buy when it's down. Buy when it's down. Buy when it's down. Yeah, I mean, you know, imagine trying to juggle all these companies, dude. I could barely juggle this podcast and stand up.

Imagine trying to juggle SpaceX, Neuralink, Tesla, Twitter. Those are his four right now. Am I missing one? The boring company. He's got something that builds tunnels underground. The guy's got a large bandwidth. He's a brilliant dude. He's dealing with his six babies and his 45 kids.

I also love how much his companies run the gamut. He's a brilliant dude. He's dealing with his six babies and his 45 kids. I also love how much his companies run the gamut. Like one of the companies, he's sending rockets into space and dealing with NASA. He's working with the government to put rockets into space. And the other one, he's trying to figure out how to monetize bathroom wall speech. He's like, okay, all right, I i got one meeting over here okay yeah guys yeah totally totally yeah totally yeah yeah totally yeah we're gonna get the rocket up there

yeah yeah okay yeah so how many people said the n-word today okay yeah yeah we don't want that we don't want people saying n-word no no no hold on one second uh yeah but biden's on the phone yeah no we're gonna get the rocket tomorrow Yeah, we're trying to get people there. A few so large as that. Yeah, another Edward? Okay. He's really going, his companies really run the gamut

from high to low culture, huh? He's the first person to have a meeting with NASA and the NAACP in the same day. It's really, and maybe the only one ever in history that will ever do that have to deal with the anti-defamation league and also nasa he's taking a lot of responsibility on i believe he wants to better humanity otherwise why would he buy twitter he knows he's not going to make any money on it. He bought it for a large sum

of money. I believe he wants to do it. He deserves a chance. Maybe he will. Maybe he'll improve it and maybe it will become a great thing. So far so good as far as engagement according to him

and also not so far so good for probably him listening to the last episode and sabotaging my car. Jesus Christ. So that's weird. Just please fix my car, Elon. I'm just joking, dog.

Imagine he did it. I mean, he might, you know what I mean? Like, he knows Joe Rogan. I know Joe Rogan. Maybe he fucking he listened to it maybe he heard the episode he got pissed

maybe he just got pissed because they said it's not going to work out you know what the thing is you know what the real funny thing is and this is true these people all want to dance in the public sphere they all want to dance in the public

sphere they all want to be content creators and they go around and they they sling mud everywhere they can but they can't take it as soon as you say something about them they can't take it it's like hey man i thought you i thought you wanted to be a comedian i thought you wanted to be a content creator you want to put you, this is what it is. People talk about you. You know? That's the cost of it. It comes with it.

That's the cost. People are going to make jokes. People are going to criticize. They can't handle it. They don't want it. They only want the good. Everyone's got to just chill out. Okay? Don't take it personally.

People criticizing, they don't know you. You're a public figure. They're going to say whatever they say. It's part of free speech. It's okay. Calm down. They're just making jokes. Relax. Why am I talking now in my ASMR voice? This is the part of the podcast where we're going to do ASMR. Hi.

How are you? Welcome to Long Days. Yes. Oh, let me pluck your eyebrows for you. Let me pluck your eyebrows. Dude, I watch those videos and they put me to sleep. Just a beautiful girl going, hi, let me pluck your eyebrows. It's funny because they're talking to women, but I'm there sleeping.

They're going, I'm going to give you a makeover. Let me brush your hair. And I'm sitting there, brush my hair. You ever watch any of these ASMRs? No, I can't stand whispering. Drives me up a fucking wall. You don't like it? Why?

I don't know. It's just one of those things, like nails on a chalkboard to me for some reason. By the way, Jared, doesn't Jesse look fucking younger with his haircut? Yeah, you do.

Yeah, I thought he went and got it styled. He's like, I cut it myself with a vacuum cleaner. Nah, it looks nice went and got it styled. He's like, I cut it myself with a vacuum cleaner. Nah, it looks nice. I did it with some cuticle scissors. Yeah, I realize

people thought you were your dad's brother just because you... I mean, dog, you had Albert Einstein hair for a little while. Once every six months. Yeah, once every six months

you get the cut. I like that you're on the same schedule as the Unabomber. I'm working on my manifesto yeah yeah um so this ben affleck and j-lo thing is pretty interesting right and i use interesting uh sarcastically so but it's news it's it's news here right it's news so they got married they got married and jennifer lopez decided to take ben affleck's name because she feels like it's romantic she said there's still some romanticism to it

and she feels like it's just a romantic thing right and this is their second go around on the on the ferris wheel i mean uh in between their relationship was one big A-Rod dick. That's the only thing that separates their, their two innings of love is the seventh inning stretch of her vagina of her vagina. Yeah. Perfect. You're you're, you come with it.

When you have COVID, you really come with it. Yep, yes, he does. Yeah. He comes with it and gives it to everybody else. Stop saying I have COVID, bro. Come on. What do you think it is? I think it's what you have.

There's video evidence of you coughing on camera. Dog, who cares? Let's both go to shop, stop, and kill some fucking old people. I'm with you. Yeah, we're going to the grocery store right after this. All right, but I'm driving because I don't trust your Tesla anymore. Yeah, Tesla's acting a little funny. So she took the name, and sir, she changed her name legally,

and now she goes by Jennifer Lynn Affleck. So she anglicized her name. But as you said, I think he speaks better Spanish than she does. Spamish. Yeah, he grew up in Mexico. Did he grow up in Mexico? He spent like two years in Mexico with his mom and his brother doing shit. Dog, I mean, look.

I'm a straight guy, but I got to say, Ben looks good. I mean, look at, he looks good. How old is he? He's got a butt chin. Yeah. Jesse, if you were walking next to Ben Affleck, they'd go, is that your dad? How old is Ben?

He's definitely dying his hair. I mean, of course. I like how you Googled just Ben. 50, he's 50. He's 50 years old. He looks good, man. He looks good. So people got upset. People are upset, right? Probably Twitter. That's the funny thing, right? So here's the thing. This

is an interesting thing because this wouldn't be news before Twitter, right? This wouldn't be news because nobody would know that anyone was upset. no one would be able to put on a public forum that they were upset and find other people to commiserate and them all to go like yeah why is she doing this why is she doing that right so before this would never be news it would just be like uh you know mrs and mrs affleck walk down the street and the only the only people the only way you would be able to hear someone criticizing it is if you were standing below Puerto Rican women on the third floor sitting outside in the fire escape on a pillow.

You remember how they used to wrestle the pillow? My favorite. Yeah. All day. All day, dude. Just a pillow on the fire escape, just looking out the window. With Poppy rolling by on the bike with a fucking radio in it and a Budweiser cracked.

So people got upset saying, you know, oh God, she's taking her strong Latin name. She's still a Latin woman. Right? Everyone knows it's Jennifer Lopez. It's not like she's not jennifer lopez anymore jennifer lynn affleck's not selling any tickets no but jennifer lynn affleck's not selling any

tickets but she is selling a book on vegan healthy dishes yes jennifer lynn affleck has a cooking book she's got an Instagram influencer cooking page. She's definitely telling you a hundred things you can do with cashew nut milk. She's not selling any tickets, but she is getting a loan. She is making a sweet

tahini zucchini pasta. She's definitely hanging out with Gwyneth Paltrow in the Hamptons and listening to Girls Gotta Eat podcast. They're definitely drinking some white wine and having a nice little healthy organic brunch together. Jennifer Lynn Affleck is definitely not shopping at Bye Bye Baby, but you might see her in anthropology

buying some candles for her bathroom. She's definitely wearing some flats, some Gucci flats. She's definitely got some pearl earrings, and she's definitely having lunch in Westport, Connecticut. And she cuts the crust off her children's sandwiches. Yes, she's definitely got a son named Carter.

She's got a son named Carter and one named Baker. And they both have peanut allergies. Yeah. She turned herself into a wasp. Big deal. Yeah. Now, as a Latin man with a Latin mother, do you think this is her giving in to the patriarchy?

Talk to me. What do you think? Should she have kept her name Jennifer Lopez? No, I think she's too big of an icon for that to be a factor. It doesn't affect her. You know? So you think the hoopla is just hoopla? Yeah.

You know, people always get mad when you change your name or change the label to something. But also, I do see their point, right? She's an icon. Like, she's a Puerto Rican icon. She's one of the top, would you say top five stars in America? Like, most famous Americans? Jennifer Lopez?

She's either five or ten. I'm just rounding. She's up there. I'll go ten. I'll go ten. Yeah. Who do you got above her? You got Beyonce, Jay-Z.

You got Jay-Z. You got Lil Baby. Tom Hanks. You got Tom Hanks. You got Chet Hanks. Chet Hanks, yeah. Neil deGrasse Tyson. You got all the jokers from Practical Jokers.

You got Theo Vaughn, Joey Diaz, Andrew Schultz. Yep, Andrew Schultz. Andrew Schultz is ahead of her. Marky Gagnon's in there yeah yeah Ashkosh Singh not the dentist the

Dove Dove Davidoff yeah yeah you got a lot ahead of her Alex Media yeah yeah who is Johnny Carson's guy again

Ed McMahon yeah yeah hey-o hey-o because I was going to make the joke Andrew Schultz's Ed McMahon but I just couldn't remember the name

because I have early onset it would have been better if I didn't you know it would have come out if I didn't, you know. It would have come out as a nice joke. Still good. Still good, though. So, okay, we lost Jennifer Lopez.

But what did we gain? We gained one more waspy woman. One more waspy woman. Tell me what cadence I'm doing. One more waspy woman. I got one more. Let's stop before you get the body test. Let's just stop before you get the body test. One more waspy woman. I got one more. Let's stop before you get the body test. Let's just stop before you get the body test.

One more waspy woman. One more waspy woman. They can't get me, dog. Yeah, they can't. They can't. Yeah, I mean, that little jingle, that little phonetic is going to haunt him for the rest. We got one more waspy woman. One more waspy woman.

But people are upset. Also, it's like, I think it's, all right, let's take that out of the, let's take that context out of the story for a second. I just think it's funny that she thinks that that's what's going to do it, that that's what's going to make them stay together. She's like, you know that. You know, it's like, she's like, you know, you can just feel the high schoolness of this, right? Can you feel the high schoolness of this? Like,

ah, it's so romantic. I changed my name. That'll, that'll make it work this time. Even though we broke up and I started getting dicked down by A-Rod for a little bit and we got back, that'll make it stick. He's got a whole family with these Hollywood celebrities, dog dog they can't they look if you're this hot and this famous it cannot work because why would you lock down ben affleck's dick why would ben affleck put ben affleck's dick in jail and why would j-lo put that ass in jail right it just you just don't do it you don't do it until you get to madonna's. And then at that point, you're just a crazy woman on Instagram who's 65, who's got tons of Botox and is using weird angles. And her daughter's going, stop it.

Yeah, there you go. She looks like a bloated fish. I mean, look at what, why is she doing this? She looks like Marilyn Manson. It's kind of, you know at what why is she doing this she looks like marilyn manson it's kind of you know the thing is she's such an icon it's kind of sad to see when you go to instagram you're going oh jesus why can you imagine like you know that would be like seeing frank sinatra on instagram you know that's how big a name she was. That would be like, if you did the generation from another time, it would be like,

can you imagine Prince on Instagram? Prince would never be on Instagram. I mean, look at this. She's holding up panties on her Instagram. Go to her Instagram for a second. I mean, it's really like, it's almost like you're watching Grey Gardens. Go to that one.

Yeah, let's see that one. This one? No, no, the one in the middle. Ah. All right, forget it. Jesus Christ. You got to sign into your gram. Do you even have a gram? Yeah.

Anyway, Madonna, we wish good things for you, girl. Two more stories, and then we'll get out of here to go get some IV drips from the COVID we're about to get. Jared, typhoid Mary. Some guy in California at some convenience store or something. One, uh, 2.4,

one ticket holder got 2.4. Billy Jesse, you had a relative who won the lotto, right? My grandmother, your grandmother won the lotto. Not a lot. What did she get?

She got, um, I think it was close to a million on the Italian side on the Italian side. On the Italian side. So, okay. So the Italian side, they're going to lose the money on the Jewish side. They would have invested in it. They lost it immediately. Yeah. But the Italian side. So, okay. So the Italian side, they're going to lose the money. On the Jewish side, they would have invested

in it. Oh, they lost it immediately. Yeah, but the Italians go, whoa. Yeah. Your mom got it and she was like, oh my God, Sunday sauce forever for the whole neighborhood. I'm going to buy my son an Iroxi. Dante, come here. I just got a million dollars. Go get us all Cadillacs. Make them pink and a fur coat.

And then we're going to Bay Ridge. We're going out. We're going to eat in Bay Ridge. What happened to all the money? The Jews are going, 1.9. Okay, we take a third of that. We put that in real estate. We take the other two.

We buy that grocery store I always wanted. And the rest, we're buying stock in Amazon. We buy that grocery store I always wanted, and the rest we're buying stock in Amazon. 1.9 Billy. So 2.4 is what he won? So he's got the, so the owner can choose between 30 equal payments of about 63 million per year, and that's before taxes, that's the thing, right? Or a lump sum cash value of 929 million.

What are you taking? I'm taking the lump sum because what if I don't live? What if I don't live long enough? Then it goes to one of my relatives who's probably going to try to kill me anyway. When you win 929, now when you earn 929 or you come from a family that has 929, you are slowly groomed into knowing that you cannot just hang out anymore.

And you're slowly kind of like, okay, I got to live in this certain place. I got to have private security. I got to do these things. But when some guy who walks into a fucking convenience center wins 929, he doesn't know. He just goes home and he tells all his friends, guess who won the lotto?

And then he finds out, I don't have any friends anymore. Because they're all going, yo, can you, you know, you know, you know, Berth always wanted to get this new TV. And he's going, sure, sure, sure. He's a target now. So I'm

taking the lump sum. You taking the lump sum? I'm taking the lump sum. Why did I just call it a lump sum? You taking the lump sum. You taking the lump sum? I'm taking the lump sum. Why did I just call it a lump sum? You taking the lump sum? What are you doing with 929, Jack? You still doing comedy? Oh, yeah. Are you going to open your childhood dream was Shakespeare stage? Yeah.

Yeah. A Shakespeare stage that's also a bodega. It sells kombucha. Doug, what are you doing with 929? Because you're buying a fucking artist studio? Yeah, I'm getting off the grid. Yeah, 929, I'll tell you what you're doing. You're out of here.

You're going fucking, you're going to Tahiti and you're catching herps. What did he get against syphilis? 929, what are you doing? What are you doing with 929? Taking care of my family first. And then just saving it. You're a good kid, huh? Yeah. What do you mean by taking care of your family? What are you doing? What are you doing with 929? Taking care of my family first. And then just saving it. You're a good kid, huh? Yeah.

What do you mean by taking care of your family? What are you going to do? Buy them houses. Make sure they never have to work again. My immediate family. Let's just get that out there. How far down the line are we talking? I'm just doing immediate.

And then I'll do my uncles. What about cousins? And the cousins are going to have to wait. You have to show me your loyalty first. It'll be like the movie There Will Be Blood where that dude shows up and pretends he's his brother. Jared will have a whole bunch of those guys. Hey, man.

Someone just reads his Wikipedia page. He goes, yeah, man. Yeah, your dad had a previous marriage you didn't know about. How you doing? My name is Darrell. I just like using the name Darrell. That's scary, though. That's the second time I use Darrell.

That's scary. That kind of makes me want to have it in installments, though. Because when you get that much money, you become John Wick real quick. Oh, yeah. There's a bounty out on your head. Oh, yeah. Big time. Yeah.

Big time. You got to move immediately. Yeah. That's why whoever won it is remaining anonymous. They always do that because it's a target. You're a target. I feel like if you win the lotto in Mexico, it's like you should just basically go just give it to the cartel. Just,

I don't want to be kidnapped. I'd rather live poor than be kidnapped. But here's the thing we're talking about, which is interesting. A lot of people don't know, right? So he gets 2.4 bill or 1.9, whatever, who's counting at that point, right? And then the government takes what? bill or 1.9 whatever who's counting at that point right and then the government takes what so basically when you buy a lottery ticket you're the the government is selling them right so when nobody wins the lotto they just go to all that money right so here if you take the lump sum right so the the excuse me the payout was 1.9 you're walking away with 929 million so they're pocketing 1.1 billion jesus after they already collected all the ticket sales right so they won the lottery so they tax

the ticket sales too they get the ticket money so you buy let's say you buy so they just give you back uh they wait but if they take the ticket money that doesn't mean that they tax you on that they don't take that money because they give it to you but they get no they get all because more people put in than what's one yeah yeah all right because you don't take that money because they give it to you. But they get, no, they get all... Oh, because more people put in than what's won? Yeah. Oh, right, because you don't know

how many people bought in. So they get the profit on top of whoever won. And then if nobody wins, they just keep the money. I think they keep playing until someone wins. Oh, they keep doing it

until someone... That's why it gets so high because they'll, you know, run and gamble. So this is like, this is funny that gambling's illegal, but this is legal, the lottery? It's a nice little thing that they do.

We just do gambling once in a while. Everyone can get in it. Anyone can win. What's the difference between this and gambling? It is gambling. It is gambling. It's the same exact thing, right? A dollar and a dream.

A dollar and a dream. What do they do with the money? Look that up. Yeah. How many Boeing aircrafts do they do with the money? I'll look that up. Yeah. How many Boeing aircrafts do they build with the money? How many fighter jet planes are built? Because they definitely aren't using that money for schoolyards in the inner city

or for teacher salaries. The funds are divided, are divvied out based on ticket sales. States that sell more tickets will receive a larger percentage of the revenue. Who's monitoring this? Select the electoral college. Here, go to that one. Where does the money go?

Oh. 1% of state revenue comes from lotteries. Sometimes that money goes into the general budget. Jesus Christ. But most legislatures use it to fund certain projects Like schools, senior citizens Or environmental projects I almost feel like all the money they steal Then they do a lot of to kind of make up for what they stole

So they collect on the taxes And they collect on whatever profit above what gets paid out So they collect twice Very brilliant But if you try to do that You go to jail If you run numbers you go to jail Inter If you run numbers, you go to jail. Interesante, right?

Interesante. Very interesting. Shout out to Jennifer Lopez. Interesante. And finally, someone who's not a lucky lottery winner. This ticker, kind of the opposite of a lottery lucky winner, is an unlucky lady on a cruise here we go again someone has mysteriously disappeared off a cruise if you were rich or you have ever

had anyone dislike you in your life never get on a boat ever do not get on a boat. Ever. Do not get on a boat. Okay? Because you will go missing on the boat, and here's the deal. Nobody falls off boats. It's impossible to fall off a boat. It's impossible. Nobody's ever going climbing up the railing going,

I wonder where this leads. Oh, whoops. I just wanted to see if there was another boat outside of this boat. I made a mistake and I fell into the water. Whoopsie. Nobody's going climbing up the wall going, is my room this way? Oh my God, I'm lost.

Let me try. Let me try swimming through the water to get back to my room. Whoever falls off a boat has been fucking lifted over the railing and pushed over the fucking boat. a boat has been fucking lifted over the railing and pushed over the fucking boat so she was a tiffany jewelry executive um her name was gotcha atuk is she turkish that's a turkish name she's turkish okay so you know who the prime suspects are go look through every greek name who had a ticket on that boat could have been been a Greek who pushed her off the Norwegian spirit. Her body has not been recovered yet. Of course it hasn't been recovered.

That's why you push people off of boats. Because guess who likes to find bodies in the fucking water? Fish. Big fish like to eat the motherfuckers. A couple of killer whales came along and cleaned up. I guess we're having Turkish for dinner. Gokce Atuk is no longer. Her jewelry has gone missing from her safe.

I guess that fell out of the boat as well. I guess the jewelry in her safe fell out of the boat. You know how jewelry always gets lost. that fell out of the boat as well. I guess the jewelry in her safe fell out of the boat. You know how jewelry always gets lost. A wealthy 71-year-old Turkish distributor of luxury jewelry for Tiffany fell to her death. She did not fall to her death. She was murdered. She was thrown off of the fucking ship

under mysterious circumstances. It's not mysterious. Somebody killed her. Her body's not been recovered experts are reportedly stumped over the puzzle of how the fire i mean these these things are so funny dog these are remember that actress like fell off the boat too what was that actress natalie wood natalie wood just fucking fell off the boat and she happened to what was she with some dude and she just fell off the boat who falls off a boat the one thing you do when you're on a boat is you go hey i'm gonna stay on this boat dog have you ever been on a boat has there ever been a risk for you to fall

off the boat have you ever been on a cruise at At no point was I like, wow, I am really close to falling off this boat. But you know what I have felt when I'm on the rail? Jesus Christ, if someone came up behind me and flipped me over, I'd be gone because it's nighttime and this boat just keeps moving. This would be the perfect place to kill me if someone doesn't like the Long Days podcast. So the experts, I mean, calling them experts here is really funny because they're stumped over the puzzle of how the 5'2", 71-year-old air tech could have fallen over a three-foot-high guardrail on the ship in the South Pacific off the coast of Tahiti.

I wonder how that happened. Was she working on her hops? She had ankle weights on and she wanted to work on her hops? Her son, Gokce Atuk, said jewelry had gone missing from the safe in his mother's cabin. Where was Gokce, by the way?

Ertik had been celebrating her birthday on the Norwegian spirit. You dummy. Oh, wait a second. During a South Sea Islands holiday with a partner at the time of her death. CCTV footage from the cruise ship indicates that Arctic fell from the ocean liner

at about 3 a.m. That's interesting. Was she going for a stroll at 3? Just checking out. Or was she walked at gunpoint or knife point to go up there or did her partner go hey let's go recreate the scene of titanic and whoopsie sorry jack or whatever her name was sorry rose her 74 year old partner did not report her missing until 20 hours later i think we have a

suspect i think the mystery is solved he didn't report her missing until 20 hours later. I think we have a suspect. I think the mystery is solved. He didn't report her missing until 20 hours later, prompting the ship's crew to keep the unnamed Swiss man under observation until the ship docked in Tahiti. He was questioned before ultimately being released due to lack of evidence. I mean, yeah, how can there be evidence? I guess unless he was on the, if he wasn't on the cameras, which maybe it wasn't him.

They're now filing a suit against the operator of the cruise ship, as well as arguing that it is the responsibility of the country of Tahiti to continue leading the investigation into circumstances of her death. According to the Turkish news outlet, unnamed officer working on the Norwegian cruise ship has been speaking out on social media. Safety on board is a really important issue. They just got to get rid of cruise ships.

I mean, what the hell? So your risk on a cruise ship is of plague, COVID, or being pushed off. Just go to Cancun. Guys want to give a Patreon shout-out to our Patreon members, small business shout-outs at that level to Wendy Zimena. You said Zimena last time, so, you know. Yeah, it's Zimena. Zimena?

Yeah. Go to Wendy, X-I-M-E-N-A, wendyzimenastudio.com. And you get a 10% long days discount if you directly message her, and she will make a portrait for you. Go look at her art at wendyziminastudio.com or eczema. How do you pronounce it? I think it's Zimina.

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