You Be Trippin' - Vietnam w/ Bert Kreischer | You Be Trippin' with Ari Shaffir

Episode Date: January 14, 2025

Ari's new special "America's Sweetheart" is out now on Netflix!! Go watch now!!! (Obviously right after you finish this pod) Follow Bert on Instagram here: https://www.instagram.com/bertkreischer/?hl=en SPONSORS: -Sign up for your one-dollar-per-month trial period https://shopify.com/trippin , all lowercase -Get up to 43% off your order at http://mudwtr.com/TRIPPIN On this episode of You Be Trippin, Bert Kreischer gets his ears cleaned, rents a junk boat, and gives candy to children in Vietnam. On the show, he and Ari talk about the crazy traffic, incredible sandwiches, and beautiful nature in one of his favorite countries that he visited during his time on the Travel Channel. They also discuss the world’s largest cave, getting lost in the woods, and awesome farmstay, and a motorcycle ride that changed the course of Bert’s life. Other topics include: Joe List, log burning, rock climbing, and a six hour hike. Chúc vui vẻ! You Be Trippin' Ep. 49 https://www.instagram.com/arishaffir https://www.instagram.com/youbetrippinpod https://store.ymhstudios.com YouTube Chapters 00:00:00 - Intro 00:00:56 - Open Tabs, The Travel Channel, & Dave Portnoy 00:05:56 - Vietnam & Traffic 00:15:34 - Best Sandwich in the World 00:18:23 - Ha Long Bay & Junk Boats 00:23:27 - The Food & A Long Hike 00:32:41 - A Village in the Forrest & The World's Largest Cave 00:41:00 - Getting Lost in the Woods 00:45:58 - Getting Your Ears Cleaned 00:55:08 - Toilets, Bags, Bitcoin, & Fruit 01:01:12 - The Train, Remembering Things, & Log Burning 01:05:57 - Goose Toilet & More Junk Boats 01:12:08 - The Hike, Quitting Drinking, & Joe List 01:22:56 - Farmstay & The Motorcycle Ride That Changed Bert's Life 01:38:42 - Fun Facts, Travel Tips, Bert's Favorite Places, & Where to Next Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey everybody, welcome to UB Trippin. It's a travel podcast every week. We go to another place with a different guest. I'm excited, excited to have Bert Kreischer on for the first time on UB Trippin. Bert, where are we going today? When I was 22 years old, I got involved with the Russian mafia. No, no, no. It's a good story. No. They made a movie out of it. No.

Trended number one on Netflix for almost a month. No. There's parts of the story people haven't heard. No, everyone heard everybody's story. No. No. Run the song. All right.

Where you been and where you going? This is Ari's Travel Show. Yeah. We're going to talk about travel today. It's you be tripping. Yeah. Are we drinking? Yeah.

OK, good. OK. Good. And we're? Yeah. Okay, good. Okay, good. All right, well, that's a clue to that. We're back. Bert, where do you want to go? This is, I swear to God, there's two things I regret in life. Number one, number one regret.

You called me one day and you said, hey man, you got this new podcast called Open Tabs. I would like to help you with that. I want to do it with you. I was thinking about it today. I wish I'd done that. I wish I'd done that. I wish I'd done that. I wish I'd done that. I thought about it today when you said, like, I was searching this and this.

And I was like, I don't know, because I didn't know what I wanted to do with it. And then it was that time people were buying television and I wondered if it was gonna be a television show. And you said, no, we should bring on comics. We should bring on celebrities. Just open your laptop. Just open your laptop, let's see what you've been Googling.

Let's see what you look at. They can easily go, you can't show that one. Sure we won't. Oh, I had something on my phone the other day that I was looking at and I was like, I was like this is exactly what Ari was talking about. Like if you pulled it up, it was. Scoop it out of your caves only, you know, whatever.

But this, is it crazy that Pornhub, you have to get them to create an account in Texas? What are they talking about with their freedoms? Does that? The origin of every NBA's team names. Ooh, and why is WNBA so allergic to the S? What do you mean? WNBA, they're like mystic links with an X.

Save, like they don't have plurality. What's their problem? I don't know. Mercury. What's their deal with the ass? Well, this, I get the problem with the C. Um, the, I don't, I don't follow enough WNBA teams. Uh, I, uh, but then, and then this show, I wish we could, this is I don't follow enough WNBA teams.

And then this show, I wish we could, this is like my favorite idea for a show ever. I'm loving it. And I obviously, I have that great travel story, but what I did for seven years was travel around the world. Professionally. Professionally.

You know, and what's interesting is- What a wild way to do it. A wild way to get you out, please. Weessionally. Professionally. You know, and what's interesting is- A wild way to do it. A wild way to get you out places where like, I have to. I would get a call every beginning of every January, like January 7th. And they go, where are 13 places you want to go? We got, you can go four internationally, four, like somewhere.

And then, and then some places in the middle. Like we went to, we went to so many, I saw so many, I remember one time just taking a map and going like a globe and going Zanzibar, I know nothing about Zanzibar. And they're like, Zanzibar sounds sexy, it sounds sellable, no one's really covered it. Let's go to Zanzibar. And then they're like, well, where can we go

close to Zanzibar? And we're like Tanzania, South Africa. Like, and so we, it was so fucking fun. And, but I think, and I, and I want to do this podcast again, because I have, I never posted, I never posted anything on social media because I felt, and this is ironic, ironic. I felt like it would disconnect me from my fans. I felt like anyone who was sitting at their office desk to see me just having,

having a Candlelight dinner in the middle of a bioluminescent Bay in Puerto Rico Drinking champagne would make them feel like fuck that guy. Now. This is before Shut up. You posted about your private jets This is but this is pre that time. Yeah Timeline now. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah's pre. So then your feelings changed a touch? I was on private jets at the time, working for Travel Channel, and I never posted it,

so I felt like it was disconnected. I also didn't feel like I had earned it. I didn't feel like I had earned any of that shit. Because Travel Channel's money. Yeah, but listen, by the way, I wanna just, nevermind. I just think, I think you're disingenuous, you're manipulative, in my opinion.

If what? If you fly on a private jet and you don't share it. I think it's manipulative. Cause you want the audience to think, I'm still a regular guy. I'm just one of you, blue collar. I get my hands dirty just like you. But you don't tell them,

but I also don't want COVID, so I just fly private everywhere. Disagree. Okay, let me show you another example. Single guy, rich, famous, fucking a lot of hot chicks. He goes, look at this hot chick I just fucked. I love it.

Oh, okay. Fucking, that's why I follow Dave Portnoy. Yeah, he's into it. Dave Portnoy's got some fucking dimes. I love Dave Portnoy. I saw him outside, we were eating pizza or Thai food or some in my neighborhood. I saw him, I was like, oh, this is Dave Portnoy.

I was like, do you know him? I mean, I know people who knows him. And then it's like, should we go talk to him? I'm like, for what? To interrupt him to go, hey, we know, oh, this is Dave Portnoy. I was like, do you know him? I mean, I know people who knows him. And then it's like, should we go talk to him? I'm like, for what? To interrupt him to go, hey, we know, sorry, focus on me for a second. We know some same, okay, see ya. I best thing you can do.

You would talk to him. No. You would have, you'd go up to somebody. Shane would go up to someone like that. Oh, Dave Portnoy, probably. Yeah. But I think I know Dave Portnoy. I mean, I know that I saw him one time,

he was doing the same thing but at a hotel, and I was leaving and I saw him and I wasn't gonna bother him. And he went, Bert. And I went, oh, hey Dave. And so the best thing to do if you ever see a celebrity, just like, dude, big fan, just keep walking. The best thing to do is ignore them.

Don't say a word. That's why they do it, they're narcissists. Everyone who gets on that stage, who gets in front of the camera who sits in hair and makeup The reason they do it is to fill a void inside every Buddy, you're different other people you have a void you have a void Yeah, but I don't fill it with people fucking bothering me in the middle of the day. Where are we going today? Bert let's go to Vietnam. Yo, yeah

Vietnam changed my cultural DNA Interesting it changed my cultural DNA. Interesting. It changed my cultural DNA. It is the best, thank you. We can put in whatever we want into it. Did we put anything in before it? No. Just checking. Fair, fair. I've earned that.

It's the one that I'll live with. At Mark Norman's bachelor party, we're at a strip club and Ari pulls me aside and he goes, you have to know, I will never drug you again, I promise. I need you to have a good time. I might have to get around, I can't have you like second guessing it.

No, so this is Vietnamese coffee? Yeah. So where do we start on a podcast like this? Where do we start? Because what brought you there is now we know, it's usually like, it's either some sort of like, I've always wanted to go, my mother-in-law is Vietnamese, but do you, it's like business brought you there.

Business brought us there. We were doing, I'm imagining we were doing two Asia trips. Yeah. And, oh yeah, we were doing Tokyo, Japan, and Vietnam were the two Asia trips. And our best friends were Vietnamese. Our best friend's mom wrote, when heaven and earth changed places. I met her. Yeah. School. Our best friend's mom wrote When Heaven and Earth Changed Places.

I met her. Yeah. It's cool. Yeah, she's awesome. She's awesome. And she had a bunch of great hookups in Vietnam that we didn't take advantage of any for the show. But it was one of those places that I was like, I got to see Vietnam.

And I will tell you, in Asia, Asian countries are so fucking different. They really are. My analogy I said, and you know, this is just a standup analogy, a dumb guy analogy. In Japan, everyone keeps their hands to themselves and stays in their own space and no one bothers you. It is quiet getting on the subway, it is quiet getting off the subway, it is quiet getting off the subway,

it is silent. I remember I passed out on a Japanese dude on a train one time. On him? Yeah, I know I have that picture. I'll send it to you. Okay. Who took that picture? I just fell asleep on him. This guy was so cool, he let me sleep on him for the whole train ride. Didn't wake me up. Yeah, send me that picture. You guys got to start a list of pictures we need. Hold on. That's a good picture. I fell asleep on the dude, I was drunk,

I just fell asleep on him, and he just let me sleep. Wow. And then Vietnam, it's like people are putting their fingers in your mouth. Like it is just a very aggressive, a very, like if you are not, like if you're not a traveler, don't go to Vietnam. And so you're not going though, with this show,

you're not going just to like the hot spots of, was it Saigon? Is it Saigon? Yeah, Saigon. Yeah, you're not going just to like the hot spots of, was it Saigon? Is it Saigon? What you mean? Yeah, you're not just doing that, you're going other places too. You're going all over. We had, we went everywhere. We went all over Vietnam.

We went, you're right there, all on you. Oh, it was, and it's so, I mean, I'll start with traffic. Okay. Traffic in Vietnam. I got on a motorcycle, pulled the picture up. Pull it? You can find me on a motorcycle. Oh no, I texted it to you. Oh, okay.

And you can find ones of traffic in this, there's me on my motorcycle. Wow, that's cool. And I got on a motorcycle and drove around the pond that John McCain got. Shot down? Shot down in. You're a bigger hero than he was.

You didn't get captured. I took the path that they dragged his body to the fucking, the, the, the prison they kept him in. I, I was fascinated by that. I was fascinated by that this bike, but traffic, it's kind of like New York traffic a little bit is like, don't look behind you, just deal with what's, what's in front of you. They told me they were like, cause it's a thousand people going. It's chaos. You can find traffic pictures in here of what it looks like.

And you got a, you got to cross. And you're like, how do we cross? Oh, this is great. This is great advice. Yeah. And they go, you just go. Yup. And do not change your speed. Don't change speed. You walk at one pace across the street. They see you and avoid you and it's like it works for them. But every 13th person has a, a, a limp from not doing it correctly. Look at the traffic in Vietnam. It is chaos. And we got all motorcycles. And they're all just zooming.

It looks like a fucking zombie movie. It is so exhilarating, especially on, I think that was an old Russian year old that I was driving. And so I had to feather the clutch to keep it from stalling. I had to feather the gas and feather the clutch to keep it from stalling. But it was crazy, crazy traffic. Yeah, look at that, look at that.

Look at them crossing the road. Hold your breath. All right, with the background music. Yeah, do you have to be ba-dung-dung-dung-dung-dung. Look at this guy on the side of the road hauling a fucking bumper? How are you gonna get across that that's a crosswalk they're on dude How the fuck are you gonna get across that mask COVID conscious mask COVID conscious? They were doing mass

Walk we just walk and you keep your pace because if you slow down your pace They'll hit you good to have a baby with you to make some less likely to want to hit you Do you see people with like their whole family on the back of these scooters? So you know what I did is I have a Vietnamese guy on my left always. And I'm like, and I'm trying to follow him. Just keep him as the bumper, the Frogger.

That's fucking great. I'll tell you what else we did, which is probably the coolest. What are we putting in this? What would we have? We're putting something in it? Or not. No, let're putting something in it? Or not.

No, let's put something in here. Or go separate. Is that a stirrer? Could be. We got vodka, we got whiskey, we got tequila. Can you put your dick inside here? So from what I understand is- And your balls, I'm taking this home.

No, it's all yours. Wait, this is my dick. This is how big my dick is. That's my dick. This is how big my dick is. That's your dick? That's how big my dick is. How did this get in here? That's how big my dick is. So someone's dream dick is my dick?

And then this is a pussy, you put this pussy on your dick. And then you let a dude fuck your dick? Ew, what's coming out of here? Let's put a little bit of this. I mean, we can put vodka in it, or vodka, and it would be like one of those. What's that? What are the things? Yeah, I could use some of that too. It's a first for this pod.

What is it? I see we just put whiskey in it, right? You could. Now this is high level whiskey that Zolo just got. It's from whiskey from around the world. Suntory. It's from, I've never had it, Irish Scotch American Canadian Japanese whiskey blend. That's great.

Let's put that in there. Let's not taste it. So, um, Ba ba da da ba ba ba. Ladies and gentlemen, my new special is out today. I'm going to break into this week's episode to tell you about it. Ari Shaffir, America's sweetheart on Netflix, a team made straight from hell. Netflix and Ari Shaffir.

Yeah, the evil algorithm and the evil Al-Gajoo. That didn't make sense. Anyway, go on there right now and watch it. Guys, let me tell you how their algorithm works. You've got to watch it all the way through. So if you're going to start it, and I hope you do, just let it play. Even if you gotta leave and get back to it later, just let it play. Their dumb algorithm works so like if you don't watch it all the way through it doesn't like... it registers as like you're

not interested. I don't know. It's stupid. Let me skip a rock. And if I skip this rock well, that means you will tell 70 people about it. Legitimately. Can you guys go post about it? I want everyone to see it. I think it's going to calm the world down. America Sweetheart on Netflix. Oh! That's a good skip. I'm a good comic. You should watch it. Tell everybody about it. Okay. This is dumb. By the way, you can get this shirt on my website, recheffere.com where you can find all my dates. It's a stay positive shirt. There's also another shirt. It's a little bit different than this. This is from the special taping.

Fidelberg, buy a shirt. Help me pay for the remainder of what Netflix did not pay me to make this. Yeah, I lost a shit load of money. Put those on Netflix so it'll make it easier for you. Rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr some places that I'll be but much smaller places. I'm gonna be in Vancouver and Calgary yeah at far smaller place although I did add shows in both those towns. My shows I added Monday shows in Salt Lake City this weekend off the back of this fucking special all the others were sold out. Brea January 31st and

January 1st and February 1st and February 1st. Then Nashville, San Antonio. Nashville's with Adrian Apollodici. San Antonio's with Ari Mati, the evil empire coming together. Tampa, Denver with Colm Tyrrell is coming to Denver. Schomburg, I think that's with Adrian. Atlanta, Portland, second show at it in Portland. Both with Adrian. San Jose, Orlando, Fort Lauderdale, Seattle, Vancouver,

Calgary, Edmonton, and finally Anchorage in June. And then that's the end of my tour. Guys, get tickets right now at recheffered.com, the new recheffered.com, buy a shirt, watch the special, let's get back to the episode. I love the world, I'm excited. It took a while, it took a while for me to get into my head that I have a new special out that I worked really hard on. And hopefully you get it.

Where I just want everyone to calm the fuck down, get off the news, and enjoy your lives. Look at it. It's beautiful out here. It's beautiful out here. I'm far away from any sort of fire. I actually would love a fire right now. I would legitimately love a fire right now. Like if all this went up, if all this went up... Homeless people of LA, can we ship them out here? Let's get back to the episode. Vietnam, oh, warm thoughts, Vietnam.

Okay, here we go. So let me start off our trip and tell you, because I wanna, it's very, very difficult for me because I wanna share all the things we did, but I think I gotta do it sequentially for it to make sense. Okay. So the first thing we did is we landed in Vietnam, we took all our bags to a dock, we got on a speedboat.

This thing fucking hauls ass. By the way, best sandwich I've ever had in my entire life. Right, I can tell you, the exact street. The bon-meat. It was on a side, they had a lady with a sterno and a steel thing making egg sandwiches. Eggs over easy in the Vietnamese bun. So it's so light and crispy, so airy.

She'd take shredded pork and just the right amount of hot sauce. And so I went and I had, I walking around, they're loading gear on the back on this speedboat to get us to our, to our junk boat. So as they're loading gear, I'm sure I got a picture of all the bags sitting there. And I go, I'm just walking around and I see this lady and I go, I could use an egg sandwich.

And I take, I take one bite and I said, how many eggs do you have left? And she shows me and I said, I want you to make as many sandwiches as you can, clean them out. I want to buy them all for my crew. This reminds me of when you bought a hundred dollars of Taco Bell for our ski trip. Buddy, my mouth is watering.

The egg sandwich in Vietnam that you get on the street is the greatest sandwich I've ever had in my life. Buddy, my mouth is watering. The egg sandwich in Vietnam that you get on the street is the greatest sandwich I've ever had in my life. And I bought probably 15 to 20 of them, took them to my crew, and as I handed them out, I watched the look on their face. Everyone was like, what the fuck? That was my first moment in Vietnam.

That bread in Vietnam is so fucking fresh. It is so fresh. And I can actually tell you where you can get this sandwich because I've actually gone, when I think of food, I go and think of the sandwich and I go on my map to look for this fucking sandwich. Do you do that? Do you go look at memory maps, like Google maps where like it was right here. It was right here. I know it. And you can look stuff up sometimes with the Google Earth. It was, we landed in, it was... Look, look, here's all our gear on that boat.

We're loading the boat. So wherever this exact picture is, one block north is where, December 7th, 2014, is I can find exactly where that is on the map and tell you exactly where you can get this goddamn sandwich. It was so good. There's no way it's still there.

Was it a store or was it a stand? It was a stand. It was a stand. I mean, it could be. How long ago was this, seven, eight years ago? This was 2014. Wow. Dude, in Cat High.

Cat High is where we got the sandwich in cat high. That's a town. Cat high is a town on how long Bay cat bar island cat high is where we got these sandwiches and it was the greatest fucking sandwich. First of all, you got to tell how long Bay was. There were two things I wanted to go when I went to Southeast Asia, and I went to one of them, and second was Halong Bay, and I didn't make it in four months. If you're, I'm gonna try to put the,

if you're 25, I want you to get 13 of your best friends, you're gonna have 14 people total. You're gonna rent a junk boat in Halong Bay. Damn. And it is gonna cost you, roughly I think, that's a junk, that's, there's prettier. You can find my, that's not our junk boat. That's the one to get. That's, there's prettier.

We, the one we stayed in was gorgeous. See if you can find my junk boat. Your specific? My specific junk boat was fucking beautiful. Wow, look at those. It slept our whole crew. We had a crew of 13. It's like a fucking vlog.

It slept a whole crew in beautiful quarters. You had maids on it, you had cooks on it, and it was $1,000 a night for 13 people. And you had all your food was paid for, and you had beautiful evenings on Ha Long Bay. Out, and you know what we did during the day? We go rock climbing. You'll see rock climbing pictures.

And you could rock climb over rocks where if you fell, you just fell in the water. It's in Ha Long Bay is absolutely amazing. You can take your junk boat they have villages that are just live on the water they are these people it's like water world they live on the water. They're just fishing villages and they live on the water. Are they all connected to each other? What do you mean? They're tied up like fucking water world. Remember water world with Kevin Costner and I'm sure you can find pictures of it in there, but there are villages that's actually,

as a matter of fact, right behind there is one of them. You can see it. You can see it all tied in. Yeah. And you could go up and you can buy pictures of the internet. This is my pictures. I'm sure. And so you could go up and we would go and say, we'd like to get crabs for the night. We want to get, uh, some fish and they'd sell them to you right there. You put them on your boat. The one thing they had that was crazy, that was one of my favorite meals. It was prawns, but it was prawns. Oh, that's the fucking prawns. That's the fucking prawns. But that sauce, do you see that sauce with the lime in it?

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Oh, that over there. Okay. Yeah. This was one of the sauce or like a powder. So it is lime, chil lime chilies pepper and salt and with some chilies in there and you dip your shrimp in it and it was so Fucking amazing, but you get all this and those little water world villages and your whole crew You have your chefs on there They prepare meals like this and bro if you're 25 you have 14 of your friends for $100 a night And bro, if you're 25, you have 14 of your friends, for $100 a night, can stay on a junk boat and have one of the greatest meals every night. Everything's prepared for you.

And drinking wine. Look at that hair. God, look at that hair, fuck. It goes all the way down. Oh, it's gotta be sprinkled in. Oh. It has to be. Even then?

Uh, oh no, I can't remember. Peter looks young there. These two guys, these two guys were fun. They were really, like probably my favorite two travelers we ever took anywhere because they were just, there were kids out in Cleveland, they were in a band, punk band. One of the kids hadn't talked.

Oh wait, you would just take randos? That was the deal with the show? Yeah, we'd take people off the street. We met them in Cleveland over by Hilarities. And one of the kids hadn't talked to his dad in like 10 years. And we got, we aired this episode and his dad reached out to me and said, yo, I don't have a relationship with my son. I still love him, you know, but I just want to thank you for taking him on this trip. I watched the episode and I'm so

happy that he was happy. I probably should have told that kid that. Yeah. I just was like, good job, Bert. Another victory for the B man. Sorry, buddy. But yeah, junk boat was the move. So we lived on a junk boat for probably, if we were there seven days for like three days, we lived on a junk boat and we took it all over. How long by did you jump out and swim and swim everywhere so those little raised things mountains in the water how is it just like breathtaking like it's just yeah like what it's otherworldly like you feel like you've never seen stuff like this and you can swim we swim it was cold it was December but we swam I would swim to shore we'd swim to shore with a bottle of wine.

We'd swim and go rock-coar with a bottle of wine from the boat. From the boat. Those are those little villages. So those villages, they just live on the water. They live their whole life on the water. Never leave the water. Really?

It's crazy. I think people come by with trading food and stuff. Trading food, I'm sure they'll take a boat to the shore, trade their goods, buy more food. But yeah, it's really, this is the move. If you're going to Vietnam, especially like a trip, how long, but you're gonna see some of the most beautiful places.

Wow, did you get to talk to any of the fishermen and stuff? Talked to all of them, yeah. We had a guide named Titi who would take us everywhere. Titi me pregunta. What? Did he ask a question? Yeah, I have a question for Titi. Should I stop fucking all these bitches?

And Titi's like, no, you shouldn't. It's a bad bunny song. Oh. Yeah. Whoa. What? That's really good. Oh yeah.

Holy shit. Holy shit. That's really fucking good. Does yeah. Holy shit. That's That's really good. Take you back at all? The food in Vietnam was outrageous. I mean, outrageous. I was blown away by how everything I ate was, it felt farm to table. Like everything was fresh. Everything was clean textures. that dipping sauce for the prawns, man, oh, you go into this, go into this, into the alleys and get lost and you just sit down. We gotta talk about this.

Okay. What are you sitting on? I have no idea. It's tough to see. But they're these little chairs that are like this big plastic for kindergarten classes. And they stack them up and then everyone just sits on them. Look how short they are.

And everyone just sits in these places, all over Southeast Asia. And the lady just cooks for you right there. What the fuck, she even cook it. There's a whole kitchen and an alley. But this is the difference between Japan and here, is Japan is like, everything's a little like Disney-fied. And then you go here and it's like,

Oh, these are benches, okay. And you're walking through and then the lady, I'm gonna do the horrific Vietnamese accent Yeah, those little they're like little stepstools and then she just sees you and she's like you eat now you eat now sit down Be big American big American eat a lot of food and you're like, yeah Guys say it's way go back to that. Look at the fucking food. Go back to the other one Guys, today's, wait, go back to that one. Look at the fucking food.

Go back to the other one. Guys, today's episode of You Bet Shippers brought to you by Phu Thuy. If you're in some fucking alley in some goddamn town in Vietnam, look no further than Phu Thuy for your best freshest food. 5,000 bite. 5,000 bite per K-lo-m-y.

Dude, they loved me. So the Vietnamese people love me. Yeah. Love me, because my energy's big, my energy. Dude, they loved me. So the Vietnamese people loved me. Loved me because my energy is big, my energy is American, and they kind of celebrate the idea that I'm not Vietnamese. You know, like, okay, so hold on. So let's, okay, so this is the story. This is my favorite story. So every episode we have a tent pole, you know, an act four of like something wild.

So we land in Banh Mi, we land in whatever high, I'm thinking of food. It's like, oh, I never went to pho. We went to that. Dude, I fucked pho up. I fucked pho up. But so our tent pole was going into the world's largest cave. That was our act four. We're going to do a six hour hike into the jungle, into the world's largest cave. That was our act four. We're gonna do a six hour hike into the jungle,

into the world's largest cave. What's so interesting is I so much don't remember these parts of my life that I heard a guy on Rogan one time talk about going to this exact cave. It was this whole episode, it was him, this is what he did, and I remember going like, that seems cool, and then I was like, wait, I think I've been there.

And I was like, well, I've been on Rogan like 35 times I never once talked about any of the cool shit I ever did I just never thought to do that. You're gonna while we're doing this episode you're gonna remember something you haven't thought of in 10 years. Oh this you know what's crazy I did a podcast in this cave. No. I swear to God I bet you could find that fucking podcast you can find that it's it's it find that. It's when I did my whole podcast myself. I did a podcast in the cave. Did you put it out?

I put it out. Was there ever a podcast you didn't put out? Why tilt? Oh, yeah, there is one. There's one podcast I didn't put out. I should put that out. I mean, I got a special coming out. So today.

So it's a six hour hike. The one thing they said when we said they do two things they did for us. They said number one you need different socks. I don't care what you say. I think we're gonna sell you different socks right at the foot. Right when you're about to take like everyone take your socks off. What do you mean? I thought it was a rub right? So I was like because I have tactile issues. I was like this is a fucking rub. What issues? Tactile. What does that mean? Certain things bother me. like certain textures bother me.

And so I said, I'm like, this is a fucking, this is one of those. Upsells. Yeah, they're gonna take us on a hike, but we're gonna sell you socks also. That's how they get you on socks. And I was like, fuck that, I'm not gonna do the socks. And then T.T. goes, put the fucking socks on.

And I was like, okay, but I have tactile issues and I'm about to walk through rivers and in sand, I'm gonna, it's gonna go, the leeches are fucking wild. They go, you're gonna get covered in leeches, but leeches can't attach to these types of socks. They're like a polyester or some shit, or they're like wool. And so they're like leeches can't,

so the leeches can't get onto the socks so they won't go up your legs. Trust me. One dude didn't buy the socks covered in fucking leeches. Not one leech on me. And so I was like, thank God I bought the fucking socks. Second thing they said, do not grab onto any branch. If you're falling, fall into the, do not grab onto a branch. The number one people way people get hurt on this hike is grabbing branches to like steady themselves. And they go, there will be a viper, a green viper snake. You will think as a branch, it will bite you.

We can't get you out in time and you will die. Oh, I'm like, mother fucker. Six hour hike is no joke. Ah, I was wearing a Fitbit at the time. And I want to say it registered something like 45,000 steps that day. I mean, it was the most aggressive hike. But the beginning of the hike, this is my favorite part of the story. Hi everybody.

Today's episode of UB Trippin is brought to you proudly by Shopify.com. Whatever you're trying to sell online, be it reused cum loads. Yeah, that's right. For a while I was trying and failing to sell reused cum loads, in which people that would try to trap Drake into having a baby, they would empty out his condom

and try to put in the semen into their vaginas. Now, it didn't work because Drake was smart enough to put hot sauce in the condom, thereby rendering the semen unusable and also quite painful to the woman who was trying to trap him. Quite painful indeed. But why waste that semen? Why waste that load? I hear at ruchafir.com say don't waste it and I was trying to sell reused cum loads. However, the women that were trying to trap Jake were less than forthcoming with the rights to said semen.

They were trying to use it for litigation and stuff. So it didn't work. So what I'm trying to sell now is these T-shirts for my special. Stay positive, it says. Yeah, you can get it at rhschafer.com. My entire web platform is built by Shopify. Guys, from the ground up they help you get, is that a crap? They help you get where you're going, legitimately.

They help you build your store, they help you make your online sales, they take orders, they take emails, so you can tell people when your next special is out. Mine is out today. It's called America's Sweetheart and that's what I am. And you can get this stay positive shirt at my website, Shaffir.com By using the Shopify app there's also another t-shirt This is gonna suck this is gonna suck That you'll only get once you've seen the special you won't get this joke unless you've seen the special Feidlberg he was a hero. He made us free. We were free men that day he died. Damn it's cold! Why did I do this? Why did I do this? I can't just do it inside like a regular person.

Selling for a one dollar per month trial period is Shopify.com slash trippin. All lowercase. That's Shopify.com slash trippin. Just start selling with Shopify today. Shopify.com slash trippin. Where's the sleeve? Where's the sleeve? Come on. Legitimately I do use them in the store. You should use them too. Hey guys, today's episode of You Be Trippin is brought to you by Mudwater. Let me tell you how my day starts. I wake up in the morning and then I struggle to remember anything about the previous day. I sit there, I get on my phone and I go, let me just

make my brain rot away even more. I ran into Mark Norman last week and he goes, what'd you do today? And I go, uh, I don't know. I'm like, what'd you do? I'm like, brother, I really, I can't remember. It's frazzled. I don't know what I put in there or just being online too much or maybe not having read a book for the last 25 years. Could have to do with it I read books but it's like under 10 God I'm losing it so I was like I gotta do something so I looked into the to the functional mushrooms they seem to be all the hype right now and I'm like maybe that'll help me get back to where I'm going I'm really sensitive caffeine if I drank too much caffeine I get jittery and anxious.

I just had so much brain fog and stuff. So, Mudwater gets you there. Their drinks are good, taste good, and they get me more focused. If you're ready to make the switch to cleaner energy, head to Mudwater.com right now and grab your starter kit today. Right now, my listeners get an exclusive deal that's up to 43% off your entire order plus

free shipping and a free rechargeable frother when you use code TRIPPIN. That's right, up to 43% off with code TRIPPIN at MUDWTR.com. After your purchase, they're going to ask you where you found them. Please show your support. Let them know that I sent you. That'll be a win-win for all of us. Keep your energy natural and refreshing all year long with mud water because life's too short for anything less than clean, delicious energy.

Now let's get back to the episode. I'll tell you about the cave in a second We walk into a village a Vietnamese village that has not been touched since I'm gonna dare I say the Vietnam War no one's walked through this village. You know what they call that war Just war the American War over. Do they really yeah, we just had the French war that ten years apiece Oh, they don't want the Vietnamese Vietnam Doesn't call Vietnam the Vietnamese Vietnam? Yeah, they don't call it Vietnam. Wait, Vietnam doesn't call it Vietnam? No, they call themselves Vietnam, but they just had a French war. Now we have an American war.

That blew my mind. Because anytime I tried to take people off of the people to trip to go, you guys want to go to Vietnam, everyone went, you want to go to NAM? And I was like, no. It's not NAM anymore. We're not going to walk with our fucking guns above our heads. That's crazy. So this village probably hasn't been touched by Americans.

I haven't walked into it in fucking 60 years, whatever. So we walk in this village. It was crazy because a woman was squatting, smoking a cigarette, looking at me through a missing wooden panel in her house, like squatting and smoking a... And just sizing me up. And I was like, oh, I guarantee you... She was older, I guarantee you she saw white men like me walk through this village during the Vietnam War and she is fucking triggered. The kids had never seen a white man. So adversely, they'd never seen someone with a beard.

Oh, because they don't have them. They don't have beards. Vietnamese people can't grow beards like we can. Look at that kid wearing her free waters. The kid was just like. Nothing. Can I? That's a good one.

The kid's like, I think that's Titi. He goes, all the kids were staring at me. The kids were like mesmerized by me. And I was like, what is it? And he's like, they think you're an animal. They think you're like an animal, like a, like a, that came out of the woods. Not an animal at all. You're a machine.

I said, no, I said, they, they don't know what your facial hair. They've never seen facial hair. And one kid goes, can I touch it? And I was like, yeah. So they touched my beard and I was like, I was like, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. I go, if they ever had Skittles, what, what, that's M&Ms in my hand, but I go, have they ever had M&Ms or Skittles? And he was like, no.

And I had a ton of candy with me. So I break out. Nobody's going to accuse you of making that part up. I break out fucking Skittles and M&Ms and I watch these kids try Skittles and M&Ms, and I watched these kids try Skittles and M&Ms for the first time in their life, and they're just like, dude, that's a cover. They can never go back. They were like, can I have more of that?

And then I was like, yeah, but you gotta touch my beard. And then they touched my beard, I go, rawr! And then I give them candy, and it just kinda got creepy. They were like, hey, stop making them touch you. But they were- Look how happy that kid looks. Oh, but they were all touching my beard. They're like, Hey, stop making them touch you. But they were happy that kid looks. Oh, but they were all touching my beard. They're like, we you'd give pictures of all the kids. Those are the kids. What is that? First of all, badass outfit.

That's something Schultz would wear right now. That ABBA XO style alternative style. Whoa. Look how grizzled they are. Yeah. K-pop. And so, but we go into that village, we sat, we had dinner with them, we ate lunch with them, and these were all the kids, this is me feeding them all candy.

Oh, remind me later, we gotta talk about stray dogs. But. Oh. But. Do not pet those dogs, they've never washed a dog. Yeah. You see the fleas on it, like, oh, oh. The other thing that blew me away is how they just burn garbage.

Like garbage goes in the front, they just burn it. I forgot about that. They burn garbage everywhere. And they stand over it, as if it's a campfire. Yeah, the rivers, the river passages were pretty hectic. What do you mean? Like walking through the rivers to get to this cave. Cause you get to the cave and it is, I mean, it is,

I think, pull up the name of the cave. There's interesting facts. I think you could put the Empire State Building in this cave. That's how big this cave is. How would you do that? Look at that. Look at this thing. It is absolutely crazy.

And so we're in there for six hours? So we go, no, we hike six hours in, and it's, I mean, it's an aggressive hike. $450 to do this tour. Well, that's $152, that's what I'm interested in. And then... You guys sure laugh a lot in there. But you camp on this beach.

Yeah. You camp on this beach. Oh, it's a beach in the cave. Inside the cave there's a beach in the cave. And you go in the water, it's fucking great. You cook in there. I did a podcast, did you find the podcast? No, I haven't found it yet.

That's when it was audio only. It's just audio. Those are the best times. Just audio, but you have pictures, I have pictures of us in the cave. I'm certain. Let me see those. Let me see those. Let me see those. So, wow.

What is it? You walk some on land and some in the water and some back on land? This is the cave. And so. Look how quickly the darkness comes. Oh, it gets so dark and quiet in the cave. And then you hear bats. Like, yeah.

Did you do the thing where you turn your, everyone turn your lights off for a second and then just see how dark it really is? We did that once in Costa Rica and we were spelunking and they did that and I've never had a more severe panic attack in my life. We had this cave area in Northern Thailand and this this guy discovered 30 caves, John Spies, and so it's like, he takes you on some hikes on them.

And at the end, two of them, one of them we went, like, let's turn off our flashlights for a second and see, and it's like, you can't see, there's no change, you're like this. So the next day we did it, and one guy kept freaking out. Like, turn off your lights, and then immediately turn it back on, and then they're like, all right,

but we're going to turn off our lights so we can see where the darkness is, and it's like, okay, and then immediately back on. We're like, let's leave it off for a minute. I left it off for like a full minute. That was two seconds. Yeah. Yeah.

I got lost in this cave, not lost lost, but took a hike and got, and ended up on the other side of the cave. On the other side of the cave is like, keep going, scrolling through these. There's one picture where you can see. So you're camping there. Yeah, we're camping in there.

Look how big it is compared to those tents. Oh, it's so, this cave is so fucking massive. Oh, where's that? Let me see if I can find that, where that cave is on here. Yeah. Because there's one picture. Look, the deep in the outside is gorgeous.

I mean, it's just like a jungle. Oh. There's one picture. Even the outside is gorgeous. I mean, it's just like a jungle. Oh, there's one picture where you can see I'm standing on a rock. Yeah. You're living in LA at this point or New York? I'm living in LA. I'm living in LA, I have two kids. I came back from this trip, and man, it was Christmas time.

It was December 14th is when we took this trip. And I came back and I had to go to Christmas parties, and I hadn't, my fucking hours were wildly off. I mean, I think we left. Where'd we go hours? We left Vietnam to go to Japan. That's the other side of the cave, which is fucking, there's a Travel Channel pose.

I had so much. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. That's the other side of the cave. So you can walk through the cave and go out the other side. The other side's fucking gorgeous. There's waterfalls. There's me doing a read.

Wow. Yeah. Damn, it's so big. It's crazy Ari because even in this, I was working so much that you don't really get to have a moment to stop and go, man this is wild. You're almost like, cause also I have anxiety and I know I had to swim with whale sharks in like three days after this.

Can I say one of my biggest regrets? What? My first commercial I ever did for Kia. They flew us out to Monument Valley, two commercials, mine in one day, or a few days, and theirs a few days. Some overlap. And they go, hey, you're not working tomorrow until the afternoon, I'm so tired from waking up early.

He goes, but they're shooting at the Grand Canyon, do you want to just go? And I'm like, no, I want to sleep in. And I had never been. And it was another 15 years till I ever went. And I was like, what am I doing? Get up and go to the Grand fucking Canyon. And then when you're in shooting all day,

I can see you going like, oh, I don't have time to just go off on a hike by myself. No, you just go like, and then we had to hike six hours out. So you have all this stuff in your head of like what I gotta do what I gotta do Do you remember the smell at all? Yeah, it was a it was musky. Oh all cave smell like I think I mean Vietnam in general You know, I don't remember the smell. Okay today's episode of you be trippin is brought to you by the moorings.com guys

The morning is the world's premier yacht charter vacation provider they've been in business for over 50 years they specialize in providing guests with private customized boating vacations and select destinations all over the world and I told my friend Tom Segura I was doing this ad and he said Ari I wouldn't be interested in that because my listeners are poor and I said Tom it's not for your listeners, it's for my listeners. He goes, are you not hearing me? They're poor.

And I said, Tom, it doesn't even really matter if they are because the Morse can have pretty reasonable rates. It's not a crew, it's a private yacht reserved just for you, your friends, your family. It's ideal for groups up to 10. And if you're an experienced boater, like Burke Kreischer is, you can captain the yacht yourself. Or you can hire one of their captains to do the work for you. You can get an all-inclusive shaft. It's all sorts of stuff at themorris.com and it's more affordable than you think. And I

told that to Tom and he said, I don't care. I'm just interested in calling my audience poor. And I'm like, Tom, you're obsessed with this man. And he goes, what are you talking about? I said, dude, I think you actually should hire a yacht from themorings.com and just chill out. And he said, I hate poor people. I just hate them so much. And I said, Tom, chill, bro. And then he ran off mumbling,

mumbling something about economic status. I don't know. But guys, the important thing is, your journey begins at theorrings.com. Reach out, get yourself a boat, get out there. Live the boating life. So you live in LA? I live in New York, which is way more concrete jungle.

When you get out to there, whatever that was, where you see the outside of it and just like this jungly trees, it's so, it's like 100% nature. It's like, oh, it's kind of not unsettling, but it's like, oh, this is what it's like 100% nature. It's kind of not unsettling, but it's like, oh, this is what it's like to be on the land. You know, I keep thinking, people, look at this, matter being out in this, there's nothing there. No one cuts that grass.

No one mows it. What, so far from Mexico. No one cares, no one waters those trees, they just grow. If it is, it was so wild. The, that you know what the other thing I kept, I always was hyper aware is any injury there is deadly. Like you're six hours, a six hour aggressive hike into a jungle.

You break an ankle and all of a sudden it becomes a real issue for everyone. We all have to walk you out. And there's no, and like everyone's trusting that the guy leading us, we had porters for this. So we had dudes carrying all the stuff, Chris Porter, Jason Porter. No, we had porters carrying all our gear. So these porters were carrying 300 pound

packs with our tents, our food, the kitchen, the pans, the pots, and we were carrying a backpack, if that. But these porters were carrying like 300 pound packs out there. And you're trusting that they know where they go. And have you ever been lost in the woods? Yeah, too much.

For real? Yeah, it's scary as fuck. The scariest thing ever. As soon as you're like, that's fine, it's fine, it's fine, and then the sun starts to go, you see it just over the hump, and you're like, oh, fine, it's fine, it's fine. And then the sun starts to go, you see it just over the hump and you're like, oh, I could, I might die out here. When did the night animals come?

Even when you're like three hours away and you're like, hey, this is getting real. Yeah. There is a, if you're listening to this podcast and you know that feeling, just raise your hand. Cause there's a moment where you go, hold on. Wait, wait, wait, should we take a left or do a right? And then if you have more than one person and somebody's fucking around,

I was like, Hey, stop fucking around for a second. We gotta find this. This is fucking real. Yeah. We got, we got lost in the, we got lost in the woods in Wisconsin one time. Yeah. And uh, we hit, it was the worst way to get lost. We took a couple to go. The guy was going to propose. We took him to a waterfall for him to propose. He proposed. She said, no, lost on our walk. She said, no, she said yes for the camera, but no to him. And it was like,

Oh, and then we got lost on the walk back. No one's talking. We got lost and it got in the sun just starts to go down and we started fighting over whether we take a left or we go straight and I was certain it was left and all the women were certain it was straight and we went straight and we got really fucking lost. So there is, okay, so there is a bit of a nice, at least you bitches were wrong.

Well, it took, you know what I did? Because nice, at least you bitches were wrong. You know? You know what I did? Because you don't want to be the one wrong. I'd rather be dead than be wrong forever. No cell phone service. No cell phone service. And we're just fucking hoping a walkie talkie, we get close enough so we can get to someone

a walkie talkie. And then we got, Tyler was our cameraman, and he was back at the vans and he just started honking the horn. To give you like a triangulation. He knew we were lost. He just started honking the horn and we were like, I hear the horn. And we're like, just start walking towards the horn.

Dude, when you go out there, you realize, if the lead guy has a heart attack and we don't know where we are anymore, we'll never find our way out of here. It's a movie, it's a movie. I'm with a guy, we're trying. It's like, oh, the guy just, the rock fell on his head, he's dead.

Yeah, I think of that, I think that's why I have anxiety. Like when I go surfing, I always think, I'm on blood thinners, if I get bit by a shark, I will bleed out, like I'll die. This is why I'm going surfing. If I get bit by a shark, very minor bite, I will bleed out. But here's what should calm you down, if you get a very major bite, anyone would bleed out.

Yeah. So really the blood thinners don't matter in that instance. Yeah, I guess. Yeah. Thank you, thank you. The- One time me and Matt Edgar were walking, we were hiking with Benji Aflalo's dog,

this little fucking chihuahua. We're lost, lost in one of the hikes near LA. And I mean, we're just like, eh, let's take this side thing. And we're just fucked and it's like, ah, sun's coming out, we're starting to get worried. We have to like, get through brush and like stickers and stuff.

And we're like handing the dog over because he can't get through. And we finally just like, just like, ah, there's a fucking path. And we're like, ah, and right then there was this beautiful dog, this other dog. And we're like, Hey, what's up, buddy? How are you doing? I was so excited.

I was so petting this dog. And then we started walking away and Matt's like, dude, you handled that really well. And I was like, yeah, I mean, I was excited to be back on the path. He goes, no, but you played it cool. And I was like, what do you mean? He goes, the dog, the owners was like, who's that? It was like the lead singer of My Morning Glory, me, Kunis and Ashton Kutcher.

And I was like, didn't even glance at them. Are you serious? That's how I played it cool. Did not even glance. Hey, can someone get me a glass on the rocks? I wanna have a real whiskey. There you go. Hey, so wait, can I?

Los Dos Porfa. Can I, I don't know why I thought of this. Can I backtrack one? Because I wanna tell you. Yeah, 100%. My favorite part of this trip, I have a story that I've told on stage. I think I've told it on one of your storytelling shows.

Okay. But, I think I did, but. Oh, one of the live ones. One of the live ones, yeah. But we ended up going to a farm stay. I want to tell you about the farm stay. So that's a good story. I thought about it for a second, 10 minutes ago,

and I was like, when you said like, I never appreciated this, I was like, no, no, I know a story where you did appreciate it. Yes, yes. So, but if you go back and you can find these pictures, that day on the motorcycle, exploring, exploring, I think it was Ho Chi Minh City, or exploring that city was crazy.

And one of the things we did, and this is possibly one of the most unique things I've ever done traveling, is we got our ears cleaned. Have you ever gotten your ears cleaned? No, what? So can you find the pictures? They're called ear pickers. And what they do is they go into your ears.

Look at your face. Ha ha ha ha ha. There's actually, you know what, there's a video of this on YouTube. Look at you staring at this guy who doesn't talk to his dad. This, this. That's all the pain of not having a father of this on YouTube. Look at you staring at this guy who doesn't talk to his dad. This, this. That's all the pain of not having a father figure

in his life. Is there a picture of the utensils? Can we get a second one? Someone who doesn't drink whiskey? Yeah, with lots of ice, just lots of it. Tom's fucking cheating us on ice. So do you have more pictures of the tools in here? So they clean your ears. There's a video. Zoom in.

You got to see what they're putting in your ears. I hope it's leeches. And there's a video on YouTube of, of it's called Ear Cleaning. Bert Kreischer, you'll find that is the whole thing. Go like this, like that, like that, like that. I want to see that ear. Get in that, go like that. Go like that. I wanna see that ear. Get in that ear. But they go, so on the side for like fucking three bucks. I mean look, he's sitting on one of those seats. I gotta start writing travel stuff.

I need to write an essay on those chairs. The one that he's sitting on. Did you find the ear cleaning video on YouTube? She's got one in the back over there. It's Ear Cleaning Burt Kreischer, Vietnam. The one he's sitting on. Did you find the ear cleaning video on YouTube? It's Ear Cleaning Bert Kreischer Vietnam. And you'll see, and it's the whole thing, but this is it. This is us driving all the things. Can I get permission to use this?

Yeah. Thank you. So they go and you can get a haircut on the side of the street. On the other side is, that's the lake that, what's his name, fell into. McCain. McCain, on the other side of this.

But they cut your hair, they give you a shave, on the side of the street for like three fucking bucks, and then they clean your fucking ears. Straight razor shave. And then they clean your ears. You gotta see the utensils they use to clean ears. Because Ari, they go in with needles and little knives they shave the hair on the inside of your ear and they pull out tootsie rolls full of

wet look at here the dark Ari Ari these are the tools oh thank you these are the tools thank you wait do you see what they pull out of his fucking ear look they go in like this look at that work where do you see what they pull out of his fucking ear? Look, they go in like this. Look at that. Wait, do you see this? Wait, do you see what they pull out of his ear? It's fucking amazing. It's a Tootsie Roll full of wax. I wish they had this in the States. I was so blown away by what was in everyone's ears.

I'm showing it to everyone. Those were jokes on my hand, isn't that crazy? I'm still a comedian. Look at that! Look at that they pulled out of his fucking ear. And by the way, all of a sudden, he goes, he's going, I can hear, I can hear! Well, he's like that kid where he hears for the first time

and he's like, what? This is the coolest thing we did in all of Vietnam. In my opinion, this is the coolest thing we did in all of Vietnam in my opinion This is the coolest thing because I was like I wish they had that in the States because I really really really enjoyed Um, are you don't drink ice with your whiskey? But that was getting your ears clean was probably one of the coolest things. The food and that. Can I just say that's the kind of thing that I want this podcast.

Not here's the hotel to go to, here's this. I want to like, no one's ever, I've lived on this earth for over 30 years and I have never heard anyone talk about the Vietnamese ear cleanings. Dude, I once heard David Chang, no, David. Cho. Cho talk on Rogan about getting his ears cleaned in Asia. And I was, I remember hearing it and going, what the fuck? Dude, I met the guy at the mothership and I don't, you know, I don't follow life.

Yeah. So I'm like, who's this guy in a robe with like paint on his face? That was talking to me. It was so interesting. I'm like, and then I told Joe, like, who's this guy in a robe with paint on his face? And I was talking to him, he was so interesting. And then I told Joe, who's your friend with the robe, bro? He's fucking cool. He's an artist. I'm like, yeah, I can tell. Yeah, that guy's a fucking fascinating story.

One painting and he takes stock in Facebook. But he's living it right. Sounds like he's living it right. Dude, he's living the fucking best life. I would love to have that life. Tap me out, give me $20 million. Come on the pocket. But that ear picking thing was one of the coolest things.

And so we do- Wow, did you hear better afterwards? I didn't have anything in my ears. My ears are clean as shit. I clean my ears every day. I just saw these and I had to like, the shit that was on the edges of them, I just kind of cleaned them out so it won't do me justice.

It was like, ugh, that's in there always. Oh, I wish they had that in the United States. I think it's highly unsanitary. What? I never once saw the guy like dip his utensils in alcohol. Yeah, they don't do it. And I'm pretty sure we all got searing ear infections after that.

But- Nothing's worse than the fucking infections we got after going to be in a hot tub with Norman. Remember that? Yeah. You remember that? Every one of us got his chlamydia. I told the guy, I was like, hey, I think something's wrong with your hot tub.

He goes, I clean it literally every day. And he's like, who, was any, I'm like, oh, fuck. Yeah, eye infections, skin rashes. Everyone gets spas. Yeah. You remember my hands wouldn't stop itching? I was like, what the fuck? You know what's really cool about this?

So we took a train. So we went, we took a, it was a good one. Thank you. Oh my god, that's crazy. What the fuck? That fart just set off your. I just said, we took took a train and the pictures from the train just showed up on my phone I Said we took a train and the pictures of the train just showed up on my fucking phone and it started playing. I

Mean they can make us think whatever they want to that's fucking what do you think? They're just fucking with us at this point Yeah, they're just playing it hardball It's like putting a fucking weird third eye on a pyramid on a dollar and they'll never figure it out. So we took a train to, to do this hike. Yeah. I remember Red Band texted me and asked if I could do,

if I could do, sorry. Yeah, it texted me and asked me if I could do, if I could do, yeah, he texted me and asked me if I could do Death Squad East or whatever, you know, like remember that you used to do Death Squad? Pasadena? In Pasadena. Yeah, yeah. He texted me, he's like, hey, can you do it?

And I was on the getting off train, getting into a Jeep, you can find a picture of the Jeep. In Vietnam. In Vietnam, and I said, I think I'm in Bo Mi or wherever in Vietnam, and he was like, what? And I was like, yeah, I can't make it. And he was like, what the fuck? How fun is it to have that as an excuse? Oh That just reminds me actually

we we have a lot of shit talk text threads in our lives and So on one of them sober October it was right after January 6 and it was I saw messages I wasn't there so I was like seeing messages from you comes like this crazy. This is crazy. I'm like what's crazy I don't know what the reference is. And it was like, this is crazy. What's happening? And then I remember being on a hammock with my dog on my, looking out of the jungle. I'm like, I don't know guys, this is what I'm looking at. And then Rogan's like, yeah, you win. Don't just go back to that. Oh, that was the fucking. I'm not feeling any of it.

He texted me. He's like, can you do the podcast tonight? And I was like, I'm just got off a train. I'm getting into a Jeep. You can see the picture. The Jeep is a bad ass fucking Jeep. And I'm like, I'm not feeling any of it. I'm not feeling any of it.

I'm not feeling any of it. I'm not feeling any of it. I'm not feeling any of it. I'm not feeling any of it. I'm not feeling any of it, I'm not feeling any of it. He texted me, he's like, can you do the podcast tonight? And I was like, I'm just got off a train. I'm getting into a Jeep. You can see the picture of the Jeep is a bad ass fucking Jeep. We drove it around Vietnam and then it's like, so it's it. What a fun excuse. Oh, the, um, that's the Jeep. Wow. Great. Wow. And God, don't know. I think it was where I was.

I remember texting that to Red Ben. I'm in Ga Dong Ho, I can't make it. This Pat was in Ga Dong Ho for a while. Did you see the clip of Ms. Pat? Do you ever, okay, do you ever like? Rep in you? Yeah, yeah. But everyone's like Joe Rogan's the man.

And I was like. I was also in that. I was like, was also in that Fuck you, it made me feel bad. I'm like, wait, did I not call it? Wait, why should I have called her? Yeah, call me wait we talked But uh, but so after this I'm trying to think go through my pictures see if there's anything else I'm leaving out That's really interesting. Well, we gotta get to that. We gotta get that. To the farmstay. Yeah. It's such a cool story. Did you, let me think what else, how were the bathrooms there?

Did you experience any? Don't remember, but I think I shit in holes. Yeah. I think you shit in a hole. Yeah. And I loved it. I was like, this is how I was meant to shit. I think so.

All that like, tushy whatever, or like, Swatty potty. I have to have a picture of a toilet in here. I know I have to have a picture of a fucking toilet. Yeah. I know I do. Let's, before we end it, how about this? Before we end this, we're gonna just leaf through them, and if anything catches your eye,

go hold on, I got a story about that. Okay, I want it, oh here, I got a picture. This is, whoa, these are the toilets. I hope this is true. This was the toilet on our speedboat. I love these toilets, because they have the sprayer for you to spray your ass. The bum gun. I love these toilets because they have the sprayer for you to spray your ass.

The bomb gun. I love it. I love washing my asshole. After I shit, I love to wash my asshole. The bomb gun, you just take that and hit it. It's like one of those things on the sink. You pull it out and then hit the sprayer. I love that.

Chad, I'll send this to you right now unless you have it. I don't have that. There's no way he has your number in here right no okay so um scroll the picture see if there's anything interesting that that pops well what is this oh I took some panoramics of how long Bay I'll send these to you. They're so, it was so beautiful. I want to be there so bad.

It was so beautiful. Ari, did you air drop that to me or the studio computer here? No, I sent it to myself. I'm sending it to you right now. This is the speedboat we took to get to our junk boat and it was all aluminum or aluminum and it was so fucking loud. And I had the biggest panic attack. Here's what's crazy. Can I tell you, do you ever look at bags that you miss?

Bags? Oh yeah. Look at these. Hey you know what I'm trying to do? I'm trying to... Look at these two bags. These traveled around the world with me on Travel Channel. There's something to them. I just rode to Osprey and I was like, I had this great bag that I traveled through Southeast Asia was just small enough to get on overhead, just small enough with a detachable thing. It's breaking. I used it and I wrote them. They won't write me back.

And I'm just like, guys, I, I use this bag. I just listed the countries it's been to. And it's just like, as you say, you're you're like, oh it was like it was like your companion So you want to know something wild? Look at all the stickers on it. We look at they got a judah freelander sticker That means judah freelander has been to all these places, you know, you know what I was doing at the time was I was taking No, no Brody was still alive. Oh, that's so this is the podcast. Did you find the podcast? I couldn't find it It's just audio. It's gonna be on Burtcast.com Okay, it's on it's just Burtcast.com and it'll be like early 60s

I'm guessing like it'll be one of the early ones. It's just audio We got a podcast here and these are the two guys and this is where we ate and we just had beautiful fucking meal in The middle of this cave on this tarp? The sand was so fine. Oh, this is in the cave. What's crazy about these bags, and I got these, these are Kirkland bags. These are the best two bags I've ever owned. Kirkland. Kirkland from fucking Costco.

Kirkland makes good products. Fuck yes. And I had so many- Guys, today's episode of You Be Chippin' is brought to you by Kirkland Products. When you're looking to save money and still wanna not get the worst thing possible, look no further than Kirkland from Costco. Now back to the episode. I used to bring Brody Stevens trading card with me

places after he killed himself. I just take pictures of Brody. It went up in value. I'll tell you that. If you're a collector, you wanna get those the day before. Someone just explained Bitcoin to me by those trading cards. Really?

Because they're like, I was like, they're like, you know, you can buy your trading card. My trading card sells for $200 a trading card. Yours does? Signed. Yeah. And I was like, so many of mine. And I was like, it sells for $2. I was like, well, that's crazy. Who cares about that? He goes, that's the whole point about Bitcoin.

If you believe it's worth it, then it is worth it. You just got to believe. That's how the... I thought Chiropractic works also. It's also, yeah, it's how it, then it is worth it. You just got to believe. That's how the. I thought chiropractic works also. It's also, yeah, it's how the US government, China had paper money for years, for fucking hundreds of years. In America, no one would adopt it because they

wanted to feel the weight in their hand. And then we went to war with France and Canada, try to win over fucking Canada, get back Boston or whatever the fuck it was. And we didn't have the money, we needed $7,000. So one of the fucking general, one of the mayors is like, yo, let's just make $7,000 worth of paper, tell them it's worth the money.

And then when we go in, we'll win the war, we'll collect all their goods, and then that'll be what their paper's worth. They can trade their paper in and get their goods. It's money, it's money, that's what we're gonna do. But everyone has to believe it, okay? So everyone's like, okay, we believe it. If you don't believe it, just say you believe it. Just say you believe it. Just say you believe it.

And so everyone believed it. And then everyone was like, yo, paper's a lot easier. I can walk around and I don't feel paper floating around in my pocket. I don't have to take a bag of paper with me to the store. Like I can just put it right in my pocket. And then that's how we got there. It's like when you go to a hotel and they have this old style actual key and you're like, this is cute, but actually it's super lame. I can't put this in my wallet. Do you know what I was doing when I was traveling Travel Channel? Is I'd steal Don't Disturb Me signs. Wow.

Because you got, there were really cool ones. Like there was one in Hawaii of like, what you could deem like a racist picture of a Hawaiian in a hammock with his feet up. And it's like, not today bro, or whatever. And I was like, I love that one. Are there any more pictures in there before we go to the farmstead?

I got in China, I have people send me money so I can put it up in my other studio, like just bills of places, you know, like in like Key West or whatever, you know? And so somebody sent me Chinese money during COVID, they reprinted a new bill to honor like nurses and stuff and like doctors. Yeah. What is that fruit? That is dragon fruit. Dragon fruit.

That's their breakfast. It's just, I mean, we ate so fucking clean. I lost so much weight on this trip because everything you eat is clean and we were walking everywhere. Um, there's something about tropical fruit too. That is just like the pineapples in the, in that region. It's, it's like, you're like, what the fuck? I've had things that remind you of pineapple until then. Do you know what's crazy is so I was showing you the train. I was telling you the story about the train.

We got on the train to go take it to Ho Chi Minh or whatever the fuck we had to go south. And, uh, and as soon as I got on the train, I went, nobody, this is 2014. I not the machine story. I don't think I'd, I maybe had told it on Rogan, but it wasn't viral, no one really knew it. And we got on the train, I realized, these are the same trains in Russia.

Vietnam was still communist when I was there. They were still communist, those were Russian trains. And I got on the train and I went, holy shit. I literally had, I was like, this is the exact same size. And I was like, and everyone kind of- Did you start stealing from them too? I know I told the story to my crew, and to the two kids, and I was like, yeah.

And I go, I bet we can find the bar cart, and I'll show you exactly how big the bar cart is. So we walked, we found the bar cart, and I was like, this is surreal. It was the identical train to the one we took in Russia. What is it, it just reminded me about something, when you go back to a place or when you, like that, where you're like, it's just this unlocking,

like oh yeah, and they had this over there. Like if you were somewhere as a kid, and as you're there, like I think around this corner, you ride, there's a falafel thing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And it's like, it's just this unlocking. It's not deja vu, it's like, it's like new ja vu or some shit, where you're like, oh ja vu, where you're like, oh shut just as unlocking. It's not deja vu. It's like, it's like new deja vu or some shit.

Where you're like, oh, deja vu. Where you're like, oh, shut the fuck up. Hold on. It's like, like, you ever go back to your old house? Oh, right, right, right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Go back to your old neighborhood. Like I did that, I'd get emotional.

I took my girls back to our first neighborhood. We lived in like a redneck neighborhood. And I drove my daughters through there. And I was like, that's the house I grew up in. And it's not impressive. I mean, it's like very, very small. Even, even after everyone bought property in Florida and tried to flip it to make it look nice, it is still track housing. It is, it is.

And the neighborhood just doesn't. And I was like, and I started going, there were Asian people that live right, the hoes live right next door. And I was like, and that dog, there was a dog there that tried to attack me. They had a dog in there. I go, Corky Gaines lived down here and they're like what I go her name or Bernal lived in this house and you just and you unpack you go I wonder if the old swing set still up and you go by they're like oh they put a new one up and your daughters have no it I used to live here

and like cool story bro did you see Did you see Arnold Schwarzenegger, his documentary, went back to his childhood house and went to his bedroom, and they dressed it like it was his bedroom? I was like, that had to be fucking wild. The man who lived there was a pussy, no lifeling iron at all. My buddy Eddie one time goes,

we're driving through Hollywood, and he goes, bitch, $100 if I can get us into this house. That's a bet. That's a bet. let's do it. Pulled over, knocks on the door, and I'm just looking at him, he's smiling. Lady opens the door and he goes, hey, I grew up here, I was wondering if I could see my old room. Lady's like, oh, of course, come on in. Wow. I mean, Eddie is one of the smartest motherfuckers

in the world. And he had no relation to that house. None. Yeah, that's great. And he was like, whoa, this has changed. She goes, yeah, they've renovated it a few times. He's like, this isn't even like, I couldn't even tell you where my room is.

She goes, well, did you live in the house? And I was like, no, I didn't. I was like, I didn't. I was like, I didn't. I was like, I that house. None. Yeah, that's great. And he was like, whoa, this has changed. He goes, yeah, they've renovated it a few times. He's like, this isn't even like, I couldn't even tell you where my room is. She goes, well, did you live downstairs? And he's like, yeah. Yeah. Oh, sure.

Look at the fucking food though, Ari. I mean, all the food, the food was like, you know what I learned here? This is one of the one things I learned. Big log burning. Explain. So you're not gonna find a picture, I hopefully you'll find a picture. They would instead of chopping firewood they would simply take a huge log and lean it into the fire and as it burned just scoot it down. Just keep the

log, move the log, move the log. So they would burn one big fucking piece of log and just let the whole log burn down as opposed to like keeping adding to the flame. Let it go up, let it go up, right. Just keep moving the log, moving the log. They did that all the time here. Wow. I mean, they got that shit down. Yeah. Small fire just to keep warm with like little pieces of like twigs and stuff. They got that shit down. Like I got two hours for sun comes up. I just kind of.

This I told Leanne. Look at that, it's like you're cooking, everything's there. The teapot, all these pots, it's just like, I know it's not more real food, but it's just like you're actually doing it right there. I don't know, there's some connection to it. Everyone squats and smokes.

They squat like a catcher and smoke. The men, the women, everyone squats and smokes. And you're just like, they're so agile. Like everyone in Vietnam is agile. No fat people. Like it was just like. No fat people is real. Oh, that's why they love me.

Like big American, loud as fuck. Like you're what we heard about. Yeah. But so any more pictures? I'll see if I got any on my phone that I want, that are worth. Um. Yeah, I'll uh, I'll kind of go through them

and you can stop me if you see something. Yeah. By the way, don't forget, I have a new special out today. America's sweetheart. Another toilet picture. Okay, it's up there. I walked into the bathroom to take a shit. Did you get it?

I want to see it on air. And someone had what I'm assuming was gonna be their lunch waiting in the bathroom. In the bathroom? And I was like, I'm gonna take a shit with your lunch. Wait, wait, what do you mean lunch is waiting in the bathroom? What do you mean?

Do you have the picture? What do you mean their lunch is waiting in the bathroom? I don't know, I guess it was their lunch. I'm pretty sure it was their lunch. I gotta see what the fuck this is. Okay, this is... I had a goose in a bag What the fuck man or a duck whatever the fuck that is?

I don't even know and I walked in to take a shit and I was like hey did someone want to move their goose? No one spoke English. I was like, I guess I'm shitting with this goose in here So I fucking sat down I took a shit with a goose in a bathroom What's up me like man Goose looked at me like, it's not my best day either, bud. I love how also the toilet is angled to make room, but then also they just fill up that room with pails. Yeah.

Oh, it was a. Is that a flushing pail? Wait, is this on the? This is on the speedboat. It's on a boat. This is on the speedboat. And then I sent you a picture. I want everyone, I really, if I can do one thing,

it's to implore people to go to Vietnam and do the things that you wouldn't normally do. And I'm telling you, a junk boat is the fucking move. $1,300 a day, you can put 14 people on it, more of you double up in beds, and show them what my bedroom looked like. And this is my bedroom on the junk boat. It's, you know what it reminded me of?

Agatha Christie's Death on the Nile. That's our dining hall. So this is where everyone can eat. So it's real communal. It's real communal and they have chefs that cook all your meals for you. What were the conversations like here at these dinners? That was me talking about going, getting involved with the Russian mafia. Because these are all your employees.

These are all my employees. So what's interesting, Ari, you witnessed a little bit this today, I would, no one on this crew would be allowed to pick a seat. I would tell everyone where they had to sit. Because I knew the best way to direct conversation. So I couldn't have certain people sit in certain places because they would get ignored in the conversation. So I need them to be taken care of.

So I sit people according to how good the conversation is. And I can almost promise you I am the very far end of the table and I work my way South. What a good conversation is being the far side, far side, far side. The best conversation is, is the furthest away from everyone. So that everyone's in the middle. Everyone's in the middle. Because you're going back and forth with that guy. If I'm in the middle, I'll ignore one side of the table. Right. I told that to when we were talking about two bears and I was like, oh Tom has to be in the middle. Oh really? That's how you set it up that way? Yeah. I was on two bears

last week everybody. Yeah. Go check it out. One of the best episodes I've done in years, people are saying. So okay. So let's see. Hey can you fake some like feedback? Some Twitter and Instagram feedback on that? Finally, it's been seven years since we've got a good episode with these guys. Just anything you want. Fucking finally, it's been seven years. All right. So I'm going to send you a couple pictures. Protect our parks. So I can tell the story.

Okay. Sober October is worse than the regs. It's kind of crazy. What? You know, I do get bummed that I can't, because I'd love to party with you guys on Savior Parks. Anyone who's like, I want to be part of that. I was like, we're not actually doing that.

We're just, this is the crew. No, I would never do it. Yeah, but like it's already too good I mean, I've never listened to episodes says you guys just I'm not fans, but You keep saying I've never listened to episode as if it's some insult that like No, I've listened to three episodes of any podcast of all time. What's the last podcast comedians podcast you listen to mine Schultz comedians What's the last podcast, comedians podcast you listened to? Mine's Schultz. Comedians. I think the last one I listened to was the Liz Fair episode of Joe Rogan, probably eight years ago. Really?

Yeah. I should have done this all before, but you can edit some of this out, right? 402, why is it so funny? I have to type in your number every time. Save it, maybe. 402, why is it so funny? I have to type in your number every time. BEEP Save it maybe. So this is a portion of the hike. God damn it, we have the rivers. I should have sent all these to you.

Yeah. You can also, you can send them after and we can put stuff in like. If you want me to show me. The stuff from before is sent after. You've gotten the goose, you've gotten the dining hall, you've gotten the picture of the girl with the dog, you've gotten the hike, and you've gotten, they're all delivered, and you've gotten my bed in the foot. Guys, take this opportunity of me entering to subscribe to this podcast. I know

it's been a year and you've been like, maybe I'll subscribe later. Go ahead and subscribe. Now's the time. Also, I got a special out today. Hey, congratulations on the special. Hey, will you pour me another little, I'm celebrating for your special. Thank you. Thank you. Today's the day. Yeah, I got the bed now. Which one do you want first? Pull up the bed in this, because I really want,

that's my sister. Oh, it's my wife. I thought that was my sister. The bed first, because the bed is, I really want people to try to find one of these junkboats and take that as a vacation. Okay, also, if you do ever do this, or anything we talk about, there's a UbiChip and Instagram account that Heather runs. Look at that as a vacation. Okay, also, if you do ever do this, or anything we talk about,

there's a UbiChip and Instagram account that Heather runs. Look at that bedroom, Ari. Send it to her, that is cool. That's all fucking- That is cool. This is almost as good, I mean, maybe as good, as your back bunk on your bus while you make your employees sleep in the bunk beds. I don't make them, I let them.

They are, don't ever, hey let's never get it fucking twisted. I pay them a fucking hefty salary. I fucking, you know, stop shooting CEO's in the back and understand. They do a lot of work. Yeah, we were at the office and I said, what do you guys think about this CEO thing? And they were like, fuck yeah, kill all CEOs. And I was like, I'm your boss.

I was like, hey, let's pump the brakes with that thought. Free bagels today. Remember the health care I give you guys? And they're like, oh, thanks Bert. This is the bunk. And then I want you to see how intense this hike was. Wow. Pull up a picture of the hike.

So cool. Look at the old like sockets, the different sockets. Oh up a picture of the hike. Wow, it's so cool. Look at the old sockets, the different sockets. Oh yeah, this was the hike. It was a legit fucking hike through the jungle, six hours. To get to the cave? To get to the cave. It was not a fucking cakewalk. Six hours?

Yeah. What's that bag? Me? Yeah, what are you wearing? Oh buddy, I was an adventure whore. Cause you got this, that's what broke up my osprey, is that thing that connects here that really alleviates a lot of the pressure on your back that chest Oh, yeah, the chest thing and then I got a waist strap. That's TT right there TT is a fucking stud

I love that guy would love to keep it. I'm just much as repressed us Um, but I was Ari I would be at our I could go to REI and stay for hours I had I had I have belay gloves or I have my own belay gloves. What is belay? Who knows? It's when you fucking repel and you and you you carry someone else down the rope when you when you Bobby Kelly are a lot of like You except he stopped Boozing you've maintained I argue I never think he started like I think he had like when you quit at 16 Good point, you know

You ever got to try to be an adult with it or like try to have wine. Good point. A lot of these guys get a bleep ready. A lot of these guys, they like, oh, I couldn't handle it anymore. It's like you were a fucking f*** at 14. You were a child.

None of us could handle it when we were 10, Bobby. Yeah, of course not. You shouldn't have had it. You shouldn't have had it. Where was your dad? But also you may, this is my argument to Bobby and I know that he would feel differently. You also couldn't handle life.

You were in juvenile hall, but you fixed a lot of things about you. Some of these guys are like, come on, man, let's just shroom. I think Bobby could go back to drinking. Should he? Probably not. Probably not, it's not worth the risk.

It's not worth the risk. Because if he's like, oh, it turns out I couldn't handle it, well, then now I feel bad. Yeah, but I think that he never got to have a margarita. I had a heart to heart with Joe List once, your enemy, that we, let's move on. I was drinking when you said that, I couldn't argue. Joe, I love Joe List.

Everybody does. They accept you, but they, we had- No, no, I got, can I tell you? Yeah. I understand who I am. Yeah. I get who I am. Yeah.

And sometimes it's just, it's like oil and water. It's like I, with Joe List, I work at my pace. I'm the main character of my story. Like he's like, we're gonna do this. He goes, I don't know. And then it was a game on. Oh yeah, and Joe List is the main character in his story and he works at his pace.

He likes certain foods and I just look at it like, I'm gonna make it done for everyone so we don't have to think about it. I'm gonna pay for everything so we don't have to think about it. I get it. Neither one of you are wrong. I wanna take boats out, I'm gonna pay for the boats. Neither one of you are wrong. Neither one of us are wrong.

Until we were back at the house, and then you were wrong. Yeah, I told everyone that. Yeah. But hold on. Yeah. Acknowledge that I admitted I was wrong. Yeah, oh you're right, you're right. Hold on, hold on, hold on.

No, that was cool, man. You're right, you're right. Because a lot of guys were gonna be just going, that's cool, you admitted you were wrong. Because Cause you can fuck up, you can fuck up. You just gotta go, yo, I fucked up. I acknowledge. I fucked up. When I thought about throwing him over that balcony

into the pool, I did, I did. We talked Norman out of jumping off that balcony into the pool. And I know. You came out hot, I forgot, you came out hot, hey, it's all about me. And we're like, we're trying to see if he's gonna break his leg before his wedding.

And we're like, oh, all right, backseat. Anyway, the point is, I had a heart to heart with Joe Les, we had a comedians movie once, 30 comedians. I remember Mark, Jim Norton was there with Carmen Lynch and they were buying popcorn and some popcorn for my little brother. She was like, whatever, But we were all talking.

And I told Joe, I'm like, Joe, you should do, I'd get your alcoholic, but come do mushrooms with us one day. Like I'd like to include you. And he goes, bro, it's a fucking, it's so much of a risk. My life was fucked. And I'm like, just do mushrooms. Here's the deal. That once again, this is my argument is,

your life was fucked. Yeah. But you, I'm doing pretty good You're doing great. Yeah, I'm just saying great assaults for what I was watching. Oh, yeah. Oh, don't take my advice Yeah, absolutely. What are you gonna say? My point is your life was fucked Yeah, your life was fucked and you fixed it. You fixed it fixed it And by the way, how much more fucked does it get? Are you the kind of guy that if you drink you're gonna beat up your wife then don't drink if you're are you the kind Of guy that if you drink you're gonna get no fight in wife, then don't drink. Are you the kind of guy that if you drink,

you're gonna get in a fight in the street with some homeless guy, cause you just, like then don't do it. But if you're just the guy that shits in someone's shoe on random nights, those are epics. Those are awesome. Those chicks are dead. Those are awesome stories.

Yeah. I mean, I always think to people, it's like, was it the alcohol or was it you at the time? It's like Leanne, you, Leanne had a drinking problem. No, really? Oh yeah. And she probably drunk, but she got mad at me. No, she was sober.

That was over. But she, she quit drinking for seven years and then was like, I don't want to not have wine and had wine. And now Leanne never drinks. She'll have a glass of wine every now and then she'll have a couple drinks every now and then, every now and then, once a year, you'll see her get buzzed and she'll tell off an of wine every now and then. She'll have a couple drinks every now and then. Every now and then, once a year, you'll see her get buzzed and she'll tell off an actress at a party.

But. I tell you, in Vegas at Skank Fest, I had such a good time with her. We were having a beer, watching you be Burt. But I rolled my eyes and I'm like, oh wait, let me pretend to not be upset because I'm with his wife. And she's like, in the middle of eye roll,

I'm like, oh, let's connect, You guys connect on me. She said to me, she connected with Joe lists this weekend. Oh really? I said, I hope Joe, I hope you're listening. And I filmed a video for you and I almost posted it, but I know that you didn't want to draw any attention to it. So I almost sent it to you personally, Joe. So we went to dinner, right? We're going to see the Eagles at the sphere. I got my kids, my sisters, both their boyfriend and husband.

Uh, Saquon Barkley there? Uh, no, I think one Berkeley. Yeah. Chaelin hurts. No. Oh, who was there then? My sisters. Who's playing.

Is this a bit? Yeah. Who's playing? Is this a bit? Yeah. So I got my in-laws, I got my parents, I got my daughters, my daughters both bring a friend. It's a big dinner, right? Five o'clock reservation, need to be at the Sphere by seven. So I go, I go, Hey guys, I'm going to order for everybody.

And they're like, okay. And I so I ordered two seafood towers, two, I hooked it up, appetizers, done. Two of each, five orders of bone marrow. I just, I hooked it up. I said- Hey, can we do a mind pressure to me at this meal? Yeah.

Just focus on me for a second. Oh, you got it. Yeah. I said, Hey, it's my treat. I'm paying for everything, but I want to make sure we get in and out. I don't want any long orders. I don't want to orders to be sent back. I said, I'm just going to order for everyone.

Now, if anyone has a dietary issue with that, like someone doesn't eat the stuff I'm about to order, raise your hand. I'll order you whatever the fuck you want, but I'm going to order for everyone. Is everyone cool? Boom. Order for everyone. Nice.

And Leanne goes, Leanne goes, that would have driven Joe this crazy. And I went, it would. And I go, but you got to understand is that I look at it as going, I'm on a timeline. I speak louder than everyone. I can get it done. I'm also paying. So let me just book it out. We got three orders of prime rib wagyu. We got three orders of tomahawk rib eyes. We got an order of fish for the table, we've got the two sea volti, I mean and I was just like oh yeah but and I have to measure myself on them around other people because I just go at my pace. Yeah each of you eats three meals I assume? Yeah by the way five orders of bone marrow each came

with three bones. I have 15 bones out there. Wow. And everyone was like, that's too much. How many people were there? Uh, 15. That's a bright amount. Thank you. If it's bone marrow and there's like, Oh, like if there's anything else, a bunch of sushi, I was like, Oh, I'm leaving. Let's go. If it's bone marrow. Yeah.

I'm like, well, before I go, let me clear each of these. Can I ask you a question, a real question, because I have a little bit of a buzz. Okay. Do you think, cause I do think sometimes that like, there's people that listen to the podcast and go, ugh, I hate Burt because of the way he, I don't know. Who? Communists.

Thank you, thank you Ari. Take it back to Vietnam, you commies. Okay, so, last day, we hike out of the cave, and we go to a- You know what was lost in that meal with you fucking angering Joe List? What? Is the waiter coming over and I was in a fucking bitter

fight with a couple of friends who couldn't make it to... And one of them was DeRosa. I was fucking, I was like fuck, honestly man, fuck you. Fuck you for not coming because you have to do some fucking Hollywood reshoot. And the waiter comes over with shots, and it's Joe DeRosa with shots, who was going to play that whole,

and I'm like, no fucking way. It gets lost in this fucking you and Joe fight. That was a great moment. It was a great moment. Let's go to Bayley now. Joe and my fight happened later. I think it started then. It was that meal though.

I didn't realize it started. It started then. That's what made it worse. I didn't realize it was starting. And it was because Joe was planning a party privately without including it. He had his own little secrets, and he wasn't sharing them.

He had secrets. He wasn't sharing them. And so if I had known that DeRosa was coming, I would have been like, oh, of course, you lead it. But he didn't want to tell me. He couldn't tell anybody. He didn't tell anybody. Smart not tell you.

I have a special called Secret Time because I'm bad at keeping secrets. Right, yeah. Yeah, he's a really good call-out call'm bad at keeping secrets. Right. Yeah. Yeah. He's a really good call. Yeah. He's like, anyway, go ahead. I love Joe List. I should do a boy's, we should do a boy's trip. Me and him. Bro.

Yes. Ride motorcycles. Yes. There's got to be something sober. Cause I don't, I don't want to drink if he's not going to drink. Right. He's okay if you have like a beer or dinner. It isn't too big. Right. Wait, you're not. Wait, like a beer or dinner. It doesn't, right, but you're not okay.

Wait, hold on, hang on. Can I tell you what just happened with me? Now I go, no I'm drinking. But you're gonna tell me I'm okay to have a beer? Hold on, I wasn't gonna drink at all. Don't tell me I can have a beer, because now I'm getting fucking lit. You know what was great with me and Bobby Kelly in Havana?

What? Is that I was like, okay, so he's sober, but he's safe in his sobriety. He's not like teetering, you know? So with those people, I'm like, I don't, if you just got sober, I'm like, no, no, guys, don't drink around him. If I can't drink around you, I won't be around you. Right, but he's safe, and I'm like,

oh, I'm gonna get lit up, and you're gonna walk me home, Bobby. He's like, okay, I'm like, yeah, you're my protector now, let's go. Yeah, let's do a boy strip, I'm down. Fitzsimmons is gonna start drinking again. Interesting. He's like, you know, it's been long enough.

I should have a party, I should go back for a night. He stayed at my apartment once, because I would have people stay there. Theo lost the keys, and I fucking coke haze. Oh, there it is, overnight training in Vietnam. Wow, that's the episode, Burkett, December 22, 2014. I'm an OG podcaster, baby. Fucking suck a dick, smartless.

And anyway, he was like, I do smoke weed sometimes, but like, Greg, here's the keys. And then I texted him, like, oh, I forgot to tell you, look in the bottom right drawer, whatever you get in there, you can take. And he was just walking the streets, getting high every day. Reed's so fucking awesome. Yeah, Reed's great.

So we hike out of the cave, six hours back out, and we stop at a farmstay. And I sent a picture of the farmstay to you, Ari, I'm gonna send it to these guys. It's absolutely fucking beautiful. Oh, the one before? sent it to you earlier. Just now. Yes.

No, I sent you four pictures. I'm sending it all to them. Yes. Oh, that's the motorcycle. Oh, that on that place is the farmstay. That's a farmstay. So basically it's kind of like, I'm going to, I'm going to reference it. It's like a castle.

It's like a, it's like a house, but it's, it's gated. It's it's there's like a big. It's like a house, but it's gated. There's like a big gate to open it up and once you get in, there's like a restaurant, there's rooms everywhere. It really is like a commune, like a legit commune. Big fire pit, absolutely great. And we get there. Now one thing was never, it was a big no-no on Travel Channel was drugs. Never do drugs. Never take drugs with us. But you did drugs. Yeah, of course I did, and so.

But wait, so you can drink, they say you can drink. Yes. Let me ask you, wait, timeline here. Is this before or after Bourdain was doing this kind of stuff? It was during, Bourdain's still alive, he's still on Travel Channel, I think. Oh, he was on Travel Channel, then he moved to CNN. Then he moved to CNN. And it was kind of the same show, just different channel? It was the exact same still on travel channel. I think he was on travel. Then he moved to CNN. Then he moved to CNN and it's kind of the same show, just different channel.

It was the exact same show, different channel. It was like, I think he tried one called the layover. Uh, maybe that was his one, but it was where he goes. He goes like 24 hours in the city. I think they just do, but it's a gimmick. Oh yeah, it's a gimmick and it wasn't him. She's documenting random. Oh yeah. Vietnam was the one that set him off. Really? So he's a chef. Yeah.

I mean, I never got into the show. I watch him now when I'm about to go to a place because it really does give a good breakdown of a place. But he's a chef. He wrote a book about being like a low level chef, but a real sous chef and doing all that stuff, like the Coke and the fucking dealing with it. And it's like, oh, you're the chef guy,

he was on Letterman, they're like, chef, come welcome. And then he goes to Vietnam to like try the food and stuff. They go, the first episode out of 12 was just like not good. It was just like he's like stunted and like weird, he's not like used to being on camera. And then he goes, all right, so next gig is in whatever, in like five days. And he goes, all right, I'm gonna wander,

I'll see you there. I'm like, oh, you're not coming? He's like, no, I'll just meet you there. And comes back a traveler. Comes back from being five days in Vietnam, might be somewhere else, but I think it's Vietnam. Who's Myanmar? Myanmar, I think that's later.

Maybe the next one was to Myanmar. Maybe they had to go to Myanmar after that. I love, I'm not going to correct on how you pronounce that. Um, but, um, but then it was like, oh, this is all I care about now. And I'll do a little bit about food in these places, but I'm just a free traveler now.

Dude, that's right around when you're doing that. It's like, it's almost like the zeitgeist is allowing it. Well, it's Vietnam was not a place for the week of foot or the week of heart Thailand is the first place to go and in Southeast Asia it's that's a more user-friendly right that's the entryway yeah the king set it up for tourism these other places like Thailand's anal sex Vietnam Vietnam's pegging I love it all. Sure. Yeah.

So we go to this farmstay and it is fucking beautiful. I forget the dude's name. Let's just call him Brian. I know, by the way, I know this guy. I know this guy. And so I apologize if I'm telling this story. I have friends, my Vietnamese friends, our best friends in LA, they know him personally.

Like they know this guy. Okay. Well let's change the name first. I just made it up. Yeah, great. I think it's Brian, maybe. So we go in. Now what you can say is instead of saying

I don't remember his name, just go, I'm changing his name for anonymity. Okay, I'm changing his name for anonymity to Tom Segura. Okay, so Tom Segura. So Tom Segura owns this farmstay. Okay. And just please put not real name on there. No, no, no, no, put definitely real name.

And so. Start to put not real name and then cross it out and put definitely real name, yeah. So he, we get there, he has a, I remember we walked into there, what theoretically, oh don't worry about me, I'm fine. Don't worry about me. What? I have dinner in 20 minutes, so like start to wrap up, Bert has dinner in 20 minutes, I'm good, I'm fine. Don't worry about me. I have dinner in 20 minutes, so start to wrap up.

Bert has dinner in 20 minutes. I'm good, I'm good. So, no, no, no, I got this. So, I remember the first thing we did is we were the only ones in this farm stay. We had the whole farm stay to ourselves. So we go in, they have almost what seems like a like a little shop to get food, like in the center, where I'm sure you buy your beers there.

So we all get beers, and TT takes us out back and he's got a fucking joint of tie stick, is what they call it. Ooh. And I was like, I haven't smoked weed in a little bit, I wouldn't mind a little weed. Oh. And so I smoke a little weed, drink the tall beers.

They got the tall beers, the 20 ounces recycled bottles. So they're, they're bruised around the sides so that it's almost sexier, right? Recycled bottle cold beer. Come on, baby. I remember saying to the guy, Tom's a girl who owned the farmstay. I saw that he had a old Russian Euro motorcycle with a sidecar on it if you Google Berkreis or Vietnam sidecar motorcycle You'll see it and I was and then I saw you I had an old Russian Euro

Like an old these Russian URLs were like the hottest fucking bikes So I said to him Hey, man, can I take one of your, that's not it. Is that the Russian yoke? Maybe that's it, maybe that's it, I don't know. Yeah, there's a Russian writing on it. Yeah, it does. I think that says yoke.

So I saw you had a motorcycle and I said, hey man, now I took motorcycle lessons because in this season we went to Sturgis and I had to learn how to ride a motorcycle because we were going to skydive in Montana and then ride motorcycles from Montana to Sturgis. I'm jealous of this because I've only been able to ride mopeds and I don't know how to ride a motorcycle because we were gonna skydive in Montana and then ride motorcycles from Montana to Sturgis I'm jealous of this because I've only been able to ride moped and I don't know how to change gears It's so fucking awesome one thing the first thing they tell you in

in Russian no The first thing they tell you a motorcycle class you have to take a two-day course the first day thing they tell you is never drink and drive 80% suck dick motorcyle ass The first thing they tell you is never drink and drive. 80% of motorcycle fatalities happen because of rider intoxication. Ari, you know my brain. And now listen, everyone please, I hope you love me on this podcast

and you know I have a fucked up brain. All I heard in that class was it must be magical to drive a motorcycle drunk. If people hear that stat and then go, I'm still doing it, right? 80%, 80% are still doing it, so I'm like. What I wanna know is how many drunk driving motorcycle trips result in fatalities.

If that's under 5%, then we're great. You know what I mean? If I ever get sober, sober, sober, have an intervention the other way with me and get me back. Get you back. Agreed, agreed. Thank you.

Award is bond. So, that's a great, that's a great, that's a great video. Hey man, we know you're doing good, your life seems good, but we miss you. We need to talk to you. Yeah. And it's like me, DeRosa. You know?

And it's just like, yeah. So I see these motorcycles, I go over to Tom Segura, which is his real name. He owns a farm stay. I'm high, I've had like two cold beers. And I say, hey man, I noticed you have a motorcycle. And he said, yeah. And he goes, I got a couple.

I said, well, I was wondering if I could take it for a spin. I've been certified to ride a motorcycle. I'm licensed in the States. If I could just take it for a quick spin. And he goes, well, I was wondering if I could take it for a spin. I've been certified to ride a motorcycle. I'm licensed in the States. If I could just take it for a quick spin. And he goes, well, I noticed you've been smoking tie stick with Titi and drinking some beers. And I said, I have. He's like, you'll love it.

Oh, he goes, it's so fucking fun. He goes, get your headsets, put on some music. Get more distractions. Yeah, put on some headsets. I have the best headsets you're ever gonna get. They are called Ultimate Ears, they are $1,300, they are custom in-ear monitors, they are shaped to your ears.

So when you put them in, you hear nothing around but the music you listen to. That's no, that's no. The best. Not for when you wanna hear a train coming at you. No, we're in the middle of fucking fields, Ari. It's rice patties everywhere. Rice patties everywhere.

He goes, go in between the two middle rice patties. You'll see them. There's a little road. It goes like a quarter of a mile down. There's a little loop, quarter of a mile back. I just let it out. And he goes, you can just open it up. And I said, do you have a helmet?

And he goes, you don't want one. And I was like, no. He goes, you want to feel the wind in your hair. And I put on, you know, every time you tell a story you know stories change you try to make it better the real story is I put on the doors break on no no no well fuck what song it is I told it to Jay and Dan and the real song is what I played I think it was break on through to the other side or it might have been I forget the fucking real song because

I told it so many different times this way, but I put on the doors, I get on the bike, I take it up just in between the two things and I'm a little timid at first and there's ox just sitting in the rice paddies with oxen with birds on their horns just staring at me as I'm driving a fucking motorcycle It's these little things that make you not it's like these just set the tone They just set the mood those little moments where it's like that's not what you're gonna write home about a fucking birds on an ox horn But like man, it paints the picture. It's it's now mind you we've hiked through the jungle all day and it's it's getting towards sunset So it's beautiful

out it's Vietnam we're in the middle of nowhere oxen in rice patties birds on their horns and I feel alive and I open this fucking motorcycle up and I'm listening to the doors and I'm just having a fucking moment and my phone rings I don't know where my phone rings and I answer it. I pull over. I answer it. I look at it. It's Rogan. I'm assuming now that I'm telling you this story that he probably talked to to Red Band when I'd coming off the train and Red Band casually said birth in Vietnam right? So Joe just gives me a call. He goes hey man what are you doing? I said well I'm

assessed the situation. I go I'm drunk. I'm high. I'm on an old Russian Euro motorcycle running through rice paddies in Vietnam. And it's quiet for three seconds. He goes, you are a bad motherfucker. He goes, you are the fucking machine. He goes, don't ever. He goes, listen, fuck travel channel. This is your life. If you don't tell this story on stage, you are fucking wasting your life. You need to come home, get on stage,

and talk about this on stage. This is what you are, man. You need to get the fuck away from that Travel Channel and you need to be living this life. And he's like, I love you, stay safe, I'll talk to you when you get home. And so I'm like, fuck yeah, now I got the stamp of approval from Joe,

my big brother, like just like a fucking, and I'm like, fuck. All Now I got the stamp of approval from Joe, my big brother, like just like a fucking your, and I'm like, fuck. Both our big brothers. Yeah. Both our big brothers. Yeah. And I opened this bitch up and I start fucking flying. Now I can see the oxen are looking at me like you're a bad motherfucker, right? I'm fucking hauling ass. I hit the turn and as I

turn, I do the number one mistake they tell you on motorcycle driving. I break into the turn and the front wheel squirrels, back wheel squirrels. I panic. I save it. My heart's racing. And I'm like, I almost fucking died. I almost died. But I'm alive. But I'm alive. And I'd make the turn around. And as I'm alive, I'm now racing back toward those two oxen who are on their hind legs now going, come on, man, come on. I got the shadow of me, the sun setting behind me.

Peter Pan himself is like, you'll never catch me. This is why we live, Bert. This is why we live. I am hauling fucking ass on this Russian motorcycle and my phone rings again. I'm like, it's gotta be Rogan, right? Pull it over, answer it. It's my wife.

She goes, what's up baby doll? I said, nothing. She goes, what are you doing? I'm like, it works so well with Joe. I go, baby, I'm high as fuck. I'm drunk as fuck. And I'm running motorcycles through rice paddies in Vietnam. She's quiet for three seconds. She goes, the fuck is wrong with you? Get off that motorcycle. You are not the machine. You're a father of two. You have high blood pressure, high cholesterol. Walk that motorcycle home and you go to bed. So I walk the motorcycle home. You walked it.

I walked it home. I get to the fucking front gate. Tom's a girl, his real name, who owns the farmstay. Opens the door. And he's like, what happened, man? I said, my wife called. I go, I'm in trouble, I think. Give me another shot.

Here's the best part of this story, right? So you've got a picture of best part of this story, right? So you've got a picture of that girl with that dog, right? So that night, we're sitting around the fire. Just Tom Segura, real name, he owns the farmstay. His wife, it's just us, it's just us, it's just us. And so I feel depressed. I'm like, what the fuck is wrong with me, man? Like, it's just us. And so I feel depressed. I'm like, what the fuck is wrong with me, man?

I should know better. I shouldn't be getting drunk and getting on a motorcycle in the middle of Vietnam. If I get hurt, I'm dead out here. I'm dead. There's no fucking airlift. And I go to bed early. I get in bed, I'm high, and I'm just kind of like feeling a little depressed, a little anxious. Around like 11 o'clock my door opens and it's Titi.

Is my fixer. He's got a joint and he was like, hey man, we're all still by the fire. I said, yeah, I know. I think I'm gonna go to bed. I kind of fucked up today. He goes, what happened? I said, I don't know, man. I'm a fucking, I'm someone's dad.

I'm out there fucking taking risks. I go, I shouldn't. He goes, hey, you know what would cheer you up? I go, Titi, I don't want dad. I'm out there fucking taking risks. I go, I shouldn't. And he goes, Hey, you know, we cheer you up. I go, TT, I don't want to smoke anymore. And he lights a joint and he goes, no, no, no, no. And he comes over and he sits on my bed and he hands me the joint. And then he hands me a puppy. Pull the picture up. Pull the picture up.

These are these puppies. No, he hands me this puppy. Oh, and he goes, maybe he'll keep you company tonight. Look at me this puppy. Oh. And he goes, maybe he'll keep you company tonight. Look at that fucking puppy. Look at that fucking puppy. Oh, look how happy he is. He's just happy to be on the lap.

And this puppy, you know how dogs can read your energy? Uh-huh. This puppy like just curls up to me and just goes, hey man, it's gonna be okay. And it just nuzzles right into my jaw, right under my chest. Joining a puppy. I take a little hit of weed and I fucking go to sleep. And I wake up the next morning and the puppy's just pawing at me like, hey, hey, what are

we doing today? Like just fun. So I take the puppy back, give it back to Tom's girl, real name, he owns a farm stay. And I get on my bus, we're taking a bus now to go to the airport, to go to Japan to swim with whale sharks. And I said, hey, they go, how'd you sleep last night? I go, pretty good. Did anyone else get a puppy in the middle of the night?

Someone goes, yeah, I got a puppy. Someone's like, I got a puppy. We're like, what? They go, it got cold at night, so TT took all the puppies and gave them to us in our bedrooms so that they could stay warm. And I went, really, you guys sleep well? I'm like, yeah, except for one girl. She's in the back of the bus.

And she goes, I didn't get a puppy. We're like, you didn't? She goes, no, I was too busy getting fucked. What? And we're like, wait, what? She was like, yeah, I got fucked last night. And the place goes nuts. We're like, you got sex?

She goes, yeah, I go, wait, with who? With one of our true travelers? She goes, yeah, I got fucked last night and the place goes nuts. We're like, you got sex? She goes, yeah. I go, wait, with who? With one of our true travelers? She goes, no, I didn't fuck them. I go, with someone in the crew? She goes, no. I go, well, it couldn't have been Tom Sager, a real name of the guy that owns the farmstay. She goes, no, no, no, because his wife was there.

She goes, it was his buddy who was taking care of the fire. I go, you mean his 15 year old son? She goes, he's 15. My buddy Paul stands up and goes, turns out we all got puppies. Last night. Oh, what a fucking great fucking day. And then we went and swam with whale shark. God damn dude.

That's such a fucking cool trip. Yeah. Southeast Asia rules. Fucking Vietnam. I'm telling you, if you're 25, you're living in New York. That's such a fucking cool trip. Yeah, Southeast Asia rules fucking Vietnam I'm telling you if you're 25 you're living in New York Why would you not go? You go to Vietnam and you do all the shit I did and you will have one of the most amazing trips and it will It'll tell you what to do. It'll thin the herd of your friends. You're gonna find out what friends are cool

Which ones you want to fuck with which ones you want to keep in your life for the rest of your life? I'm telling you even one step further. If you can save up 12 grand, Oh my God, you can go for around one year through that region. That's that's the truth. If you can save up five grand, you got four, four or five months, plus a ticket. God damn, that's so fun. I miss that area so a ticket. God damn that's so fun I miss that area so much. God damn that's so cool. You know three dog night you know where that

comes from? No. Super cold night. Three dogs around you to keep you warm. Now you know I just I had the same reaction when I found out. Orlando Magic? Yeah. Named from the Magic Kingdom. Makes sense. I never did that connection. Indiana Pacers? Indiana 500, the pace car. Pace car, interesting. What else do we got?

Black people? Yeah. Color of their skin. Oh, wow. Yeah, that's tracks. Yeah. That tracks. What do we got? Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Dude, this is the greatest podcast. It's fun, right? It's funny shit. It's fun to go over these stories. I'm telling you man, anytime I can. People are like, can I last an hour with my trip? I'm like, 100% you can.

I have, I want to tell you about New Zealand. New Zealand was, my highlight places. New Zealand, without a doubt, one of the only time I thought I was gonna die on the show, one of the craziest things. Why, they didn't have booze? No, we went spelunking, like legit spelunking. Like legit, where they're like,

hold your breath for 30 seconds. The last time we did Birdcast, you were like, let me just show you some stuff. And I remember now, I was like, I kept being like, this is great, you can't, we gotta save this, bro. I have a place for all this. Yeah, and I'll be better next time. I'm gonna focus more and kinda like.

No, this was also great. Yeah. Let me ask, this is where I ask everybody some questions. I probably already got to them. These guys are pretty good at finding them. I ask everybody for a travel tip. It might be for a specific place. It might be an in general place. I think you already got to them. These guys are pretty good at like finding them. I ask everybody for a travel tip. It might be a specific for a specific place. It might be an in general place. I think you already got one, which is take 12 year friends and go to Vietnam.

That's the thing. 25 years old, you live in New York and you're looking to fucking plan a spring break. A plan of like, you're not done with college. Go to Vietnam, have it be fun. Bring some fucking smoke. Two, three weeks. You can do it for that. Two, three weeks. And by the way, it'll cost you nothing. It'll cost you nothing. You're gonna eat amazing, clean food. You're gonna drink great cold beers. And don't ever underestimate how beautiful a recycled bottle is.

It's got stories. Where else? So this is one that maybe, because you've been a lot of places. There's a few people that I want on this podcast that were like, oh no, I have to have you on, but I have to have you on a bunch of times. Yeah, I would love to. So like, you're one for sure. There's a few people that are like, this podcast that were like, oh no, I have to have you on, but I have to have you on a bunch of times. Yeah, I would love to.

So like, you're one for sure. There's a few people that are like, I need you to come back a lot. Like, you're like one of the guys who has stuff. Where do you want to go that you've never been? India. Whoa. India, without a doubt.

India, it's always been India. It's on your mind. Yeah, India, India, India. And I want to go by myself. I want to create, what do they call it? Uh, what do they call it when you do stuff by yourself because it creates something inside you it's like, uh, internal wealth or like, uh, something like that. I don't know.

I don't know. Leanne knows the word. I don't know. What is it? I don't know. I'm gonna call Leanne. Where did Leanne go? Did she go to Vietnam?

Yeah, she went to Vietnam twice. I remember that. She had a fucking, Vietnam? Yeah, she went to Vietnam twice. I remember that right before. She had a fucking, she had fucking changed her. And she has the funniest fucking stories about Vietnam. Maybe I'll have Leanne on to talk about Vietnam. Hey baby, where are you? I'm in the car, I had dinner confused. I thought it was at 730, but it was at 530.

Leanne. It's at 530? Yup, I'm on my way to meet him there. So you're supposed to get in the car and meet him there too. Okay, I'm coming. Hey, what's at 530. Okay. I'm coming. Hey, what's the thing where you do stuff to, and you don't do it for anyone to see it, but you do it so it makes you better intrinsic intrinsic value intrinsic value.

Okay. All right. We're wrapping up the podcast. I'm heading over to someone know where I'm going. That's okay. It's okay. All right. Let them know that. Let them know. I'm sorry. I know I'm on sorry. I'm so sorry. I just had the time wrong. I really apologize. That's okay. All right. Let them know that. Let them know I'm sorry. I know I'm on my way. I did. Okay. All right. Love you. Intrinsic value. I like how you didn't tell her that you actually knew the time the whole time and you said, don't worry, I'll be late. And now you let her take the blame of like,

yeah, you did tell me the wrong time, but don't worry about it, babe. I love you. We've all made mistakes. We've all fucked up, Liam. That was great. That was great. That was great. You let her eat that fucking wrong. Can I tell you what I do? I don't watch porn anymore. I put Leanne through AI and I just jerk off to that. To her doing crazy shit?

No, no, no, no. Just putting her in cat suits and like fucking Wonder Woman costumes. It is so fucking sexy. If you're looking for a way to just spice up your relationship, get. AI Leanne. AI Leanne is fucking hot. I post them looking for a way to just spice up your relationship, get...

AI Leanne. AI Leanne is fucking hot. I post them sometimes and people are like, what the fuck? And I'm like, and then I take them down. They're like, oh, I screen saved it. What are the questions? Where you want to go and then travel tips. That's it. So I want you to come back a bunch of times. Yeah, please. Obviously you're the guy for this. You are a traveler. There's a few travelers. Russell, you in comedy. Gaffigan, underrated. Sells tickets everywhere.

Did before he was even famous. I'm trying to think who else. Yoshi goes places. I'm trying to think who else. Jim Jeffries was seen a traveler to me. Yeah, maybe Jim. But you're one, it is like you've been places you've actually like gotten your hands dirty. I've seen some wild cool shit and

what's interesting to me is and this is only a conversation me and you have I've ever had really with you. We've had it a lot. Is I never shared any of it. I never talked about it. I never told anyone about it so I was always like I feel like it'll disassociate you with who I regularly am. And now I feel if I find that manipulative, well, there's a travel version of yourself that's different than your regular self. And that's a different stuff. You see couples traveling, you're like, great, they come home, they break up. And you're like, why? It's like, that's not who you that's that is who you were, but not who you are. Yeah, dude, Brazil, crazy. Fucking, New Zealand's one of my favorite places.

Switzerland. We'll do New Zealand next. Switzerland is, dude I just had a. I did a New Zealand, a Switzerland podcast last week. That was the reason I started traveling. You know Morrissey, Paul Morrissey? I don't know if you know him. Morrissey, the guy that's big with Mexicans?

Not that different, less emotional. We went to Switzerland for a festival and we made a deal. Because we're like, it's so cool the comedy's bringing us out here. Because we weren't doing anything. We were like, and then we went to Switzerland for a festival and we made a deal because we're like, it's so cool the comedy's bringing us out here because we weren't doing anything. We were like, and then we went to Amsterdam right after that as long as we're out here, let's have them fly us home from Amsterdam. Yeah. And we're like, bro, let's make a deal.

Let's go to two new countries every year. It's fucking great. Not together, but alone. And then we've done it. Paul Morris, he's so fucking funny. He's great. But it's like, he's just so, he's so underrated. Like people forget, he's one of the best fucking joke writers out there. Yeah, and he's a fucking funny. He's great. He's just so underrated. People forget he's one of the best fucking joke writers out there.

Yeah, and he's a letterman, kind of like joke, joke, joke, joke. He's a fucking great comic. But it's like, anyway, whatever. Switzerland was ruled. All right, I'm going to go into dinner with Liam. I love you. When do you leave? I leave tomorrow morning.

I got to go to LA for press for my special and then holidays and whatever. But also I want you to come in one time and interview me about a place for this podcast. Okay. Yeah. Okay. I would love to. You gotta tell my story sometimes. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

And then let's figure out what to do with Open Tabs. Let's figure out what to do with Open Tabs. I think we can do it. I think so. It could be a side thing. Yeah. Save up a few. Yeah.

It'll be fun. It'll be fun. It'll be fun. Yeah. I'm in. It's a cool idea. I'm like, what do you do with that idea? How fun would it be for me and you to bring in a comic?

Well, we'll start with Gillis. And I would love to see what his tabs are. And go, hey, man. Search history. Listen, here's the deal. We're not going to fucking. We're not going to fuck you. We're not going to fuck you.

Yeah. But we want to see what your open tabs are. Because I bet they're wildly bizarre. It's a lot of like how the South was correct. It's too vulnerable for some people. It might be too vulnerable. Mark Norman's like Mark Norman's Norton at wealth. How do you know if you're autistic? Yeah. A lot of that. Yeah. Yeah. All right, buddy. I love you guys. Check out bird cast all the time. Um, and uh time and two bears one cave and I put in bumpers before so it'll all be there

yeah but uh yeah buddy I love you this is great thank you for doing it check out my special also that's available right now on Netflix calm well everybody that's the episode I hope you liked today's episode was produced by the YMH Network your mom's house network. It's not your mom. It's not my mom. It's your mom's house. It was edited by Alan Calfie, expertly, as always. I have frostbite everybody. And I hope you liked it. I was burnt. I've been trying to get burnt on for quite some time now. Quite some time now, and I think he'll be on many times. He's one of the best traveler comedians around.

He has a history, forget the fact that he has a travel show, had a travel show on the travel channel, forget about that. He's just done it right. He's been places, he's really done it right. It is a joy to have him on, we'll have him back. If you guys liked the episode, can you do me a favor? Can you reach out to Burt on Instagram, on Twitter, and just let him know you liked the episode?

It was good. It was very interesting. A good way to do Vietnam on this podcast. I know he takes a lot of abuse. He's too fat. He, uh, fake laugh. Um, butts in on conversations. He didn't do any of that here except the fat.

He's a good guy and he's a great comic. His new special coming out March 18th called Lucky which was based on his thoughts about still being alive as an obese man in his 50s. Lucky. For myself I have a special on Netflix right now. Guys have you watched it yet? Can you all go watch it and please, I'm fully telling you, tell like a million people. Go on, get off Twitter. But if you're on Twitter, get on there, tell everybody if you liked it, get on Instagram, make a post. Take one of my things, post on Instagram, a picture or a little video. Oh, that's a good idea. Take a little video section of any, just like

screen record it with your phone and post it. This is my favorite joke from R.E. Shafir's new special America's Sweetheart. I am very proud of it. It's funny. It's funny. I had to tell Netflix what I was intending and I was like, what's the deal? Like it's just trying to get everyone to calm down. Stop reading the news. Enjoy your lives. Things are good and we have to see it that way and as I started saying that I go, oh, but also first and foremost, it's funny and they laughed like what do you mean I'm like well because so much stuff is garbage this one's funny and then all that other stuff on top of it America's sweet I'm proud also got a couple of new patrons

coming Brendan Sagalow is joining the patreon patreon.com slash you be trippin pod or you be trippin you be trippin Please subscribe wherever you're listening or watching this episode subscribe to this podcast. Oh damn. It's cold You ever do this we have to turn your back To the wind this is a very New York thing. No one fully understands that turning your back to the wind God it hurts. It just sucks. I'm just remembering this. It's a video I saw. Anyway, I can't tell you about it. I hope you liked it. Guys, please get one of these shirts. Stay Positive shirt, which you'll get once you've seen the

special, or a Feidelberg shirt, which you'll also see once you get to the closer. I will tell you that closer is, you wanna get to it. You wanna get all the way to the end, because the closers, I know there's this thing now in specials to be like, put your closer first. Nah, it's too harsh. It's way too harsh. So I had to put my special, my closer last,

like it should be. You should have seen the one Hasidic Jewish guy in the audience losing his mind Like he was laughing the whole way, but when I got to that he was like Directed by Eric Abrams produced my Matthew Schuller and DP by Jordan Levy guys if you're looking to do a special yourselves, that's the team you should get. That's the team you should get.

James Kronzer, who did the set design, helped me find Design Foundry. He does all of Kill Tony's Live stuff. That guy rules also. Everybody who worked on it ruled Design Foundry. Pink Louds did the song. Everybody, guys. I couldn't have done it without, I don't know, you guys.

I hope you enjoyed it. And that's it next week on this podcast you know what I wanted to get I wanted to have a run of shows on this podcast to where people look at someone as divisive as like meh but I'm gonna show you that there's joy in it this was week one with Burke Reicher. As I said, I know he takes a lot of abuse. That guy fucking rules. He's a great friend. He had to switch me and his phone to agent for a period of about four years so he could talk to me.

A lot of guys would have cut me off. No. He just switched me to another Jew's... a Jew position, agent, and kept me as a friend. So next week, Tucker Carlson will be on episode. Talking about the UAE, United Arab Emirates. I know he's also a divisive character but I don't see it. I see Burt is a fucking great man. And I see Tucker Carlson is a great friendly dude. I don't know guys, I met him. He rules. All the shit you've heard,

none of that's real. None of that's real. Everybody's cool. He's a good Christian. He made me breakfast. Nobody makes me breakfast before podcasts. Ow. We talked about gospel music, the guy ruled, and we talked about travel, and he's a great traveler. And I'm lucky to have him on here talking about travel.

He's been to some wild places. And then maybe I'll do one with Michael Malice about North Korea. I don't know, I got to see who the one after that is in terms of like divisive characters that I think are positive. I'm gonna get off into the sunset now because I feel like this episode's about over. I don't know if that caught this whole thing, this whole walk up or if the wind moved it but guys thank you very much for watching. Oh, get one of the shirts, as I said, and that's it.

Where else do you wanna go in the world, and who else do you wanna see on this podcast? Please leave it in the comments on YouTube. We got to 100,000 subscribers the first year, and now we start the hunt for 200,000 for this year. Ah, where do I wanna go? I think we gotta do one with me, right? All right, guys, the episode's over. Bert, thank you very much for joining. America's Sweetheart everybody! I did it! I put out another special!

It's the only thing I care about in the fucking world! It's putting out specials, stand-up comedy. I'm not big. There's a reason. Because I don't give a fuck. What I do care about is what you're seeing in America's Sweetheart. Great, fun, stand-up comedy where everyone's having a good time. Nothing's better. Enjoy it. See you guys. I'm literally walking off into this... Sunset. Oh, I should turn one and get the sunset.

Ari, sometimes you're a genius. I know I could do these from a studio, but isn't it more boring that way? Where is it? Fuck, it's too cold! Okay I'm not. Guys this was a mistake for sure. Hey I'll tell you a story about Vietnam for me. I went to a small town in Vietnam, Chodok, and took this hike up a mountain we could see in Cambodia. The guy dropped me off. He said he was gonna pick me up in two hours after I got this hike.

When he found me, I had a big fucking stick. It was way bigger than this. But I had this big stick and I was walking like this. He came up to get me. I was gonna walk down to meet him, but he came up to get me. And he goes, what are you doing with that stick? And I go, I don't know. And I think I must have learned some words by then. Oh, look at that sunset How else would I be able to communicate with him? No, maybe he learned some he learned some English. That's what it was. Yeah, that's pretty I'm into beauty

America sweetheart You get what America sweetheart is right one because I'm the only guy really who's trying to see things for like the good that it is That's what I say or one of them anyway, there's a lot and two because I'm known as divisive character. Anyway, so I'm walking with this stick and he's like, what's with the stick? And I go, uh, I don't know. And he goes, he goes, he goes, what's the dogs? Are you afraid of the dogs? Like, yeah, dude, there's fucking wild dogs out here!

And they're everywhere and they snarl at me and I don't know how safe they are! I don't know how safe they are! All over Southeast Asia they go, these wild dogs, and people are like, oh they're cool! What if they're not cool? Then they stomp them to death and get rid of the uncool ones. And then they're bred- ooh, how's that? Anyway, Vietnam rules! And one thing I always wanted to do that I never did with Paul Morrissey from last week

is buy a motorcycle in the south or the north and drive it the other way to the south or the north. Drive it straight the other way. You could do it 20, 30 days. Turner Sparks does it. He's got to come back on this podcast or come on. And drive to the other side, to the other area of it. Like, let's say you start in Ho Chi Minh drive up to Saigon

No, no, wait, that is Saigon Ho Chi Minh is Saigon. What's the one in the north? Shanghai? I don't know the other one Fuck come on weed and then you sell it for about $50 less than you bought it for buy it for 250 sell for 200 And you just go on a motorcycle. That's a dream. Has anyone here done that? Leave it in the comments, I guess. Um, alright. Nice. Guys, that's the episode. Until next week, when we go to the

United Arab Emirates, I'm Ari Shaffir saying goodbye in Vietnamese. Seeing all different types of faces We're gonna talk about travel today It's UV Trippin' UV Trippin' UV Trippin' Yeah