Young and Profiting with Hala Taha - Justin Bariso: Boost Your EQ | E40

Episode Date: October 2, 2019

Ready to take your EQ to the next level? This week, Hala yaps with Emotional Intelligence (EQ) expert, author and speaker, Justin Bariso. Justin's column draws over a million readers a month on INC.com , and LinkedIn has named him a “Top Voice” three years in a row. His recent book, "EQ Applied: The Real World Guide to Emotional Intelligence," shares practical ways to increase EQ to improve relationships and careers. In this episode, Hala and Justin discuss why EQ is action-oriented, how our brain's emotional programming makes self-control so difficult, and why negative feedback is truly a blessing. Fivver: Get services like logo creation, whiteboard videos, animation and web development on Fivver: https://track.fiverr.com/visit/?bta=51570&brand=fiverrcpa  Fivver Learn: Gain new skills like graphic design and video editing with Fivver Learn: https://track.fiverr.com/visit/?bta=51570&brand=fiverrlearn If you liked this episode, please write us a review! Want to connect with other YAP listeners? Join the YAP Society on Slack: bit.ly/yapsociety Earn rewards for inviting your friends to YAP Society: bit.ly/sharethewealthyap Follow YAP on IG: www.instagram.com/youngandprofiting Reach out to Hala directly at [e-mail] Follow Hala on Linkedin: www.linkedin.com/in/htaha/ Follow Hala on Instagram: www.instagram.com/yapwithhala Check out our website to meet the team, view show notes and transcripts: www.youngandprofiting.com Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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They start at just $20, but what you could learn is priceless. Check out the links in our show notes to learn more. You're listening to YAP, young and profiting podcasts, a place where you can listen, learn and profit. I'm your host, Halitaha, and today we're speaking with EQ expert, author, and speaker, Justin Briso. His thoughts draw over a million readers a month on ink.com, and LinkedIn has named him a top voice three years in a row.

His recent book, EQ Applied, The Real World Guide to Emotional Intelligence has a wealth of fascinating and practical advice to increase our EQ to ultimately improve our relationships and careers. In this episode, we'll discuss why EQ is action oriented, how our brains emotional programming make self-control so difficult, and why negative feedback is truly a blessing. Hey Justin, welcome to Young and Profiting Podcasts. So great to have you on. Thank you, Hall, that's great to be here. Very excited for this interview.

Emotional Intelligence is one of my favorite topics to talk about on this show, and you have so much expertise. So really looking forward to this conversation. Justin, you are an author, a speaker, a consultant, you help organizations and individuals develop their emotional intelligence. You wrote an amazing and very practical book.

It's called EQ Applied. And your thoughts on leadership in EQ draw over a million readers a month through your various platforms, LinkedIn, and so on. So in your own words, could you introduce yourself to our listeners and tell us how you got into EQ and how you became an expert in this field? Yeah, sure.

So I have probably a much different journey than most people. I worked about 13 years for a nonprofit in New York City. We'll start in New York City. And it was a great experience for me because it was a very mission-driven organization, very forward thinking, very people-oriented. And so that was kind of where I, you know,

earned my chops and got training. And beyond just like training and dealing with people, I had some great mentors. So, you know, I saw how to actually put that training into practice, managing small teams, which eventually became larger teams. But then, some years later, my wife and I actually got pregnant, and this was very unexpected for us. We weren't planning to have kids.

And my wife is from Germany. So we made the decision, maybe an unorthodox decision for some, but we decided to move to Europe, to Germany, actually, to be closer to her family. That was about eight years ago. And so I took all this training and experience that I had, and I kind of went out on my own, and I started consulting just freelance originally for different organizations, and I was helping German executives. The German thinking in the workplace is much different. I mean, the American workplace has a lot to work on too, but I would say in many ways the German thinking was even

behind quite a bit. Like I'll share, there's a phrase, it's very popular in German and loosely translated. It says, to not get scolded or to not get cursed out is enough praise. So that's their kind of thinking, that is in a lot of companies typical over here. So I was taking a lot of what I had learned

and bringing it over here and helping German executives. And then eventually just kind of stumbled into writing about this whole journey and it became more and more emotional intelligence focused. Just based on what I had experienced, but then noticing too that there was kind of a gap because I was doing a lot of research and emotional intelligence. And you know, a lot of the writing I noticed was, well, Goldman's book was already 20 years old.

It's brilliant, you know, but it was two decades old. Bradbury's stuff was almost a decade old. And there wasn't, I found a lot of very relatable, very practical material. So I started filling in this, what I felt was a gap in the space and I did that mainly through my column, which is on ink, ink.com. To me, it kind of proved that there was a gap because the column just took off. I mean, in the beginning I had, I think, my first column had a couple thousand readers, and within a few years it was, you know, well over a million, I think we're averaging two million a month

now. So it seems like something people were hungry for. What is emotional intelligence has kind of gone through a resurgence because you have a younger generation of workers that didn't know it from the two decades ago. And also just, they wanted real life examples. What does this look like, and how can can I improve mine and that kind of thing? Yeah, that's amazing. And so for your articles, where do you base your information off of?

Is it mostly personal experience or do you do any sort of like research in the field? Like how do you get your information? All the above, you know, I'm not a PhD, so I don't have any clinical research, anything like that. But I would write a lot based on personal experience, both in the US, managing teams over the years, and then what I learned now consulting with companies since then, since I started here in Germany. And when I did that, I worked eventually not just with German companies, but then again with US companies too, a few, also outside of both countries.

So a lot of it was based on personal experience and working directly with teams and then just reading and following the modern research from the PhDs and from the clinical trials now and then turning that back around and say, okay, how can we apply that? Because it's one thing to read these papers and to read the statistics, but how do we make this work in real life? And one other thing with the writing is was identifying examples of emotional intelligence in pop culture

and breaking headlines because that was another thing. I thought that people weren't really giving due credence to is like, I wrote an article for example, this was actually based on a tweet. I just came across, I don't even know how I came across it, but it was a lady who had applied for a job. She was really discouraged because she was applying. She had gotten reduced.

Her company was downsizing and her position was made redundant. So, she was applying job after job and getting rejected, very discouraged. And then she just tweeted this great experience she had applying with a company named Digital Ocean. Maybe some of your audience has heard of it and she was just so blown away by the response she got that it was from a real person We really appreciate you applying here's how the process will work moving forward since you knew exactly what to expect and then she actually didn't get hired for the job But the response again was just very human, very real. She didn't feel like it was an automated or canned response. They explained why she didn't get the job.

They acknowledged her and said, you know, we really loved this about what you had to offer, but this is what we were specifically looking for that you didn't offer, which I thought was great because this also, you know, it helps her to kind of see where the gaps are in her field. In case she wants to do some professional development or something like that. But I was blown away that she was tweeting a positive experience with this company that decided not to hire her, you know. And that's what I use my column for also is to kind of elevate and give a platform to these companies that are doing right and encourage other companies to imitate that.

Yeah, well, I have to say, your work is really, really easy to understand, digestible, very actionable. And so definitely a breadth of fresh air when it comes to this topic because a lot of times when I've been reading about it or discussing it with other people, it's very high level. And you bring it down to a place where people can actually take action and improve their EQ. So kudos to you. Hey, appreciate that, Hala, thank you. That's course. I have three small children.

So someone taught me a long time ago. If you really want to teach something well, you have to teach it so a six-year-old can understand it. And I appreciate that on the learning side, because I've read stuff and I'm like, what is this person trying to say? So I try to apply that and how I teach as well. Yeah, really quick, I wanted to highlight that you are in Germany, you are the first person I've

ever interviewed in Germany. So very cool. I always love being a global podcast. We have guests all over the world. So shout out to all my European listeners. Definitely. Okay, let's get into really dig deep into emotional intelligence to give my listeners some background on this topic. The term emotional intelligence was coined by Daniel Goldman back in 1995, and it was really thought of as the missing link in regards to people with average IQs outperforming those with high IQs, 70% of the time.

So this really through a massive wrench into what many people had always assumed to be the source of success, which was previously thought to be IQ. And now more and more findings are showing that EQ is actually the its factor when it comes to success. So in your own words, Justin, tell us why EQ is so important to one success. Definitely. So we're emotional creatures, right? We operate many times on emotion. We have the ability to also be rational creatures. The fact of the matter is different areas

of our brain operate when we're under high stress or when we're in an emotional situation. So emotional intelligence is all about identifying, understanding, and managing those emotions. It's not about eliminating those emotions. Some people think, oh, emotional intelligence, you're trying to turn people into robots. It's not at all. Emotional intelligence is about finding that balance between the rational and emotional

thought, because you don't want what might be described as rational thought without emotion. You don't want that, because where emotional creatures, emotion is great. It motivates us. It inspires us. On the other hand, we've all been in situations where we did or said something that we later regret. And oftentimes it's because we're an emotional moment. And we're not in the practice of managing or even understanding at times what those emotions are and how they're affecting us.

So my job is to help people understand the role that emotion plays in their decision-making, and their behavior, and then see how to understand that and how to manage that. And I try to condense that into one very simple, easy to understand sentence, and its emotional intelligence is making emotions work for you instead of against you. Very cool. And so in your book you say that we're living in an era of post-truths, and that this era of post-truths makes it more essential for us to be great at emotional intelligence or improve our emotional intelligence. You say in this era of post-truth, we lose the ability to think for ourselves, and that our personal beliefs have become more influential than objective facts.

So can you tell us more about this era of post-truth idea because I found it so intriguing? Sure. Well, I mean, a lot of the way we're educated nowadays is through the media, right? And the media on many different sides is oftentimes biased information. So, you know, we're getting facts presented us through a certain lens. And again, that's regardless of political affiliation or reporter, you know, all of us are influenced by our own respective upbringings,

our training, all the above. And so the media is exactly the same. So a lot of times it can be very difficult to know what is true and what is false, what is exaggerated, you know, all the above. So emotional intelligence can help us because it helps to kind of separate that. And to see what is exaggerated,

to see what is not exactly might be coming through factually or might be biased in one way or the other. And it's all about being able to read the news, to be able to see a situation. We all know that a situation can look different. Let's say a situation at work, depending on what perspective you're seeing it. The boss sees it different from the employee who sees it different from someone outside of the team. So being able to kind of recognize those perspectives and again, finding that balance with emotion. So letting emotion influence how we think and how we examine facts and

situations as they're presented to us, but not letting our emotions run away with how we judge those situations. Got it. So I recently had Scott Adams on the show. He is a cartoonist. He had created Dilbert. Yes. And he wrote this book called Win Bigly, and it's all about how Trump used persuasion strategies to win the 2016 election. And it got me thinking, do you think that persuasion and emotional intelligence are connected?

Oh yeah, for sure. I mean, we need to tap into someone's emotions to persuade, right? And we talk about, for example, just think about any presentation, any sales pitch, any political speech that's given, you know, they can cite statistics and they can cite facts. And it can all be very interesting, and it may all be very logical, and you may walk away saying, oh yeah, I should vote for that candidate. Or, oh yeah, I should buy that product.

But if it doesn't touch you on an emotional level, you will not do those things, you know. So, emotional intelligence and persuasion are definitely connected because persuasion is all about combining that data, the facts, with a story, with something that touches a person. And once you do that, then you can motivate people to act. Totally.

So I would definitely recommend, you know, if you listen to this episode, go to number 38 and brush up on your persuasion skills, I think it would be a nice pair of episodes to listen to. So let's define what emotional intelligence is. In your book, you give a definition. You say it's the ability to monitor one's own and other's emotions and use this information to guide your actions

and thinking. And your personal definition of emotional intelligence is the ability to make emotions work for you instead of against you. Now, the title of your book is EQ applied. And so I'm assuming that you're suggesting that we should take action when it comes to EQ. So tell us why you believe that EQ is so action oriented. Sure. It starts off with self-awareness. We kind of break down, and I don't take credit for this goal, and as you said, he was

big and popularizing the idea of emotional intelligence, which originally started with two college professors, Peter, Salve, and John Meyer, who really, they kind of pioneered the research, but Goldman's book is what really opened it up to the masses. And one of the first domains or facets of emotional intelligence is self-awareness, and then another one is social awareness. So self-awareness is being able to understand emotions and how they affect you. So if I'm in a certain mood, being able to recognize that and knowing that that may influence how I respond,

if I'm in a really good mood, I may say yes to something that I don't want to say yes to. If I'm in a really bad mood, quite the opposite, I might turn down a great opportunity or I might write an angry email that I later regret, things like that. And then social awareness is extending it and being able to understand how emotions affect others and how a person might be reacting or acting in a different way because of, you know, the way emotions are affecting them at the moment.

So that's all the understanding, right? That's all the awareness. But then to make it actionable is the next step and these are the domains or the facets of being able to manage myself being able to manage my relationship. So taking all that understanding and then being able to put that in the practice. So I'll give you a brief example that I cite in the book and I actually learned this from an unlikely source, Craig Ferguson, the comedian television personality, and he says, before you say anything, you have to ask yourself three questions to your head.

Does this need to be said? Does this need to be said by me? Does this need to be said by me now? And you know, if he makes a joke out of it, he's like, took me three marriages to learn that lesson, you know, if he makes a joke out of it, he's like, took me three marriages to learn that lesson, you know? But it's so true if you put that in a practice, you know, we talk about thinking before you speak or taking a pause before you take action.

And it's easy to say, but it's not easy to do in practice. But having those three questions in your head can really help you. I know because I use this every single day of my life. I use it in my work life. I use it at home with my wife with my children. And it eliminates probably 70% of the things that I would say, just realizing, this might not be the best time to bring this up. And sometimes the answer is yes to all three questions. Yes, this needs to be said by me right now. And that's great, because you can say it with confidence and not worry how the other person

is going to react, because you need to say this. But other times, you might say, okay, I do need to say this, but this might not be the best time for it. And kind of recognizing that can make all the difference in the response that you get from whether it's your partner or colleague or that kind of thing. And then just a caveat to that. So that's for someone like me who tends to put their foot in their mouth rather easily, but then you have other people who are more introverted.

And these probably are not necessarily the right questions to ask themselves, at least not all the time because they already hold back from talking. So they might want to have another mental dialogue with themselves where they ask, will I regret not saying this thing that's in my head right now? And that could be the motivation to get them to actually speak up and say something that they really should say or should ask. Yeah, I love that. So the questions are, does this need to be said, does this need to be said by me and does this need to be said by me now? Exactly. Very cool. And I'm like you where I put my foot in my mouth all the time. So I'll definitely take that advice.

And if you're introverted, do not take that advice, or else you'll never say anything when you're supposed to. That's right. So in your book, you break down EQ into four distinct abilities. You were sort of teasing them out when you were defining EQ. The four skills are self-awareness, self-management, social awareness, and relationship management. Could you just unpack each one of these in detail for our listeners so

we can start to understand them really well? Sure, yeah. To get back in a self-awareness, again, this is identifying and understanding how emotions affect you. So it deals with a lot of things. It deals with the current mood that you're in, how the mood affects you. It deals with what your tendencies are. So for example, what kind of emotions tend to influence my decision making? Do I tend to make decisions when I'm angry that I later regret? I mean, most of us do, right? But kind of identifying when that happens, we're all going to make those type of mistakes, but when you identify when that happens, it helps you to understand when it's happening or while it's happening, and then the goal is to understand even before it happens, you know,

so that you can make adjustments. And like we said, nobody's perfect. So you will continue to make mistakes and will continue to be emotional creatures, but identifying that can help you to make better decisions that can help you to make better decisions, can help you make decisions that are more in harmony with your values and your principles. So you're not making so many or doing so many things or saying so many things that you regret. So that's self awareness.

Self management, as we mentioned, is now putting that into practice. So what are the techniques and I go into these in detail in the book and we just talked about it too. What are questions I can ask myself, what are exercises that I can practice to help me not only to understand how these emotions are affecting me, but to be able to actually act differently.

If I act the same way over and over again, if I always tempted to get in an incident of road rage every single time I get cut off on the highway, how can I change that habit? Because you know, habit change, and I know you interviewed someone recently that's talking about this too, it's so hard to break habits, right?

Especially bad ones. So what are the things I can do to help me change these emotional habits? That's the self-management side. Social awareness then is applying that to others. So how can I understand others? How can I have empathy for others? And one of the greatest lessons I've learned in my own research with emotional

intelligence and writing the book, I had the chance to interview Chris Voss, which I think you interviewed Chris Voss too, is that right? Isn't he awesome? He's amazing. That was one of my favorite interviews. And when you mentioned before about habits with near A.L. and he's great too. Near A.L. I thought so, yes. I got to interview Chris Voss with a book for those that weren't able to hear that episode. He was the FBI's lead kidnap negotiator for a number of years. He's the one that taught me.

I thought I knew empathy. Well, Chris Voss taught me empathy at another level because he's the one that taught me this amazing phrase. Empathy does not equal agreement And in just those few words he was dealing with these kidnappers these terrorists criminals and he had to learn to develop empathy for them because that's the only way He would ever get to persuade them to you know change their course of action So of course he couldn't agree with them. They were hardened criminals. They had broken the law many times in severe ways. But he

had to understand where they're coming from if he had any chance of, you know, changing their mind. And so here's the social awareness is understanding other people. Now we may differ very much from them as far as their thinking, their ideology, or even, you know, let's put it in a very simple context at work. Let's say someone comes to you with a complaint, and it's very hard to relate to that because you know what they're complaining about. You've had to deal with that before, and you know, you're like, man, what is the big deal?

Just tough it up. It's not such a hard thing to do, but you have to understand the feeling that they're dealing with, okay? You know, maybe you are overwhelmed by that certain thing, but you have to understand the feeling that they're dealing with. Maybe you are overwhelmed by that certain thing, but you have been overwhelmed at work. And if you can relate to that feeling of being overwhelmed, now you can start to understand that person. Now you can relate to them better, and they'll be much more willing now to hear what you have to say. So that social awareness is being just able to understand others and how emotions are affecting them. And then the final kind of maybe hardest one is

relationship management. And that's where you're taking all three of those other facets and putting them together and managing your relationship with others so that you are able to build trust with others so that you're able to give and provide value in those relationships. And you're going to give and provide value in those relationships and you're going to get value in return because when people trust each other whether it's on the same team whether it's at home to partners now you're going to get much more out of that relationship. So that's relationship management. Very cool. Thanks for breaking that down. So from my understanding emotional

intelligence the crux of it is really about cultivating self-control. Can you start to explain to us why our brains emotional programming make it so difficult to have self-control and why we're just hardwired to not have self-control? Well, it all goes back into the habits, right? Once you do something over and over again, you're basically, you're running a little path in your brain, and it gets very, very easy to do that same thing over and over again. And even if you regret it, if you do certain actions that you regret,

if you don't do anything to change that path, then you're just going to do it over and over again. So here's an experience I write about in the book to illustrate this in my own experience actually as I mentioned I have small children so I might take my children to the park and you know, I'm very I'm always checking my email right so I open my phone I get a message or I get an email and they are trying to play with dad. I'm trying to respond to this email or this message I get frustrated next thing you know, I'm like yelling, you know, just leave me alone for a second. I got a respond to this email or this message, I get frustrated. Next thing you know, I'm like yelling, just leave me alone for a second,

I got a respond to this. They end up in tears. You know, and like it's just this horrible scene. Who's that fault there? Okay, well you could say I'm at fault, but if we break it down even further, you know, the children are just trying to get my attention which I've kind of promised them

because I'm taking them to the park. I'm trying to do something for work at the moment, which isn't bad within itself, but the real problem, the underlying problem is, I'm trying to multitask, and I happen to be the worst multitasker on earth. I've discovered this about myself, but I would hate it when that happened,

and I'd apologize to my kids, and then what would happen? I'd do the exact same thing the next day, or the next week. So I eventually had to build self-awareness. I had to say, look, I'm doing this over and over again. I have to recognize that and I have to do something to stop it.

So you can't just get rid of a bad habit. You have to replace a bad habit. So I had to tell myself, okay, I have to completely silence my phone, turn off notifications and everything if I'm taking my kids to the park. Because if I try to do both things, it's going to end up bad. And if I know that there's a message coming, you know, there's always exceptions. There may be something that you have to handle in a timely way and you have to take your kids at that moment or whatever the situation is for your audience.

But if you run into one of those situations, now you have to make the adjustment. So I have to tell my kids, look, you have my full attention. However, you know, I have a message coming through in half an hour. So I'm going to have to check my phone. So I just want to brace you for that. I have to go away for five minutes and, you know, make sure my wife's got them or whatever. Make sure to take care of so I can go back, check my phone, and answer whatever message I need. So here's where I'm replacing that bad habit, but it all came

down to realizing how the emotion of, you know, dealing with multitasking was actually the root cause of the problem, and that's helped me. I discovered this years ago, and it helped me in so many other ways of life. It wasn't just dealing with my kids. It was realizing that I couldn't get through a single task because I had notifications going off on my phone, or on my computer. And I needed to silence these if I'm working head down on a specific task, like when I was writing my book, for example, or anything like that.

If I'm trying to have a conversation with my wife and my phone goes off and it's immediately distracting me and that ends badly, because he's like, are you listening to me? So I had to realize the same thing and sometimes it was, hey, honey, give me just two minutes so I can finish this up and then you have my full undivided attention.

And that simple action completely changes the tone and the nature of our conversation. So these are some simple ways that you can build emotional intelligence into your daily life. Yeah, so there's a really big lesson in all this. It's the fact that our habits are usually what's determining how we act when we become upset. Basically, we develop these internal mechanisms for coping with the things that upset us and they end up being our habits. So for example, you might always act the same way when you get cut off on the highway

or you might always act the same way when your boyfriend ditches you on a date or whatever it is. So you want to start to be aware of all these different habits you have when it comes to your emotions. What I'm curious about is if we have these habits that we might have been doing since we were a child that were so hardwired into our minds of how we react to certain

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Hala, where our emotions take over. We mentioned earlier how a different part of your brain is working at this point. The amygdala is really taking over when you're in that emotional moment. And Goldman kind of termed this an emotional hijack. And I love that term because it really illustrates, you know, your brain has been hijacked. You wouldn't normally respond this way, but now you're responding this way because you've been hijacked by something bad that's happening or, you know, whatever it is, whatever the case may be.

So the key to breaking those habits is recognizing when they happen. And like we said, if you don't do anything about it, then they're just going to keep happening over and over again. So self-awareness starts with taking some moments directly after it happens, or if that's not possible, then later that day or the next morning and say, okay, I'm going to buy out 15, 20 minutes to identify what happened to me. Why did I lose my temper? Why did I make a decision that I shouldn't have made?

And like we said, sometimes it's not anger. Sometimes it's joy, you know, we're in such a great mood and we're ready to agree to basically anything. And so we say yes, and someone says, I wanna be on your podcast too, and you say, okay, yes, I agree to that. And you know, someone else says, I need you to do this, Tash for me.

Of course, I'll do that for you. And then we realize we've overbooked ourselves, right? And then the next day, it's like, why did I agree to do and you know someone else says I need you to do this task for me Of course, I'll do that for you and then we realize we've overbooked ourselves right and then the next day It's like why did I agree to do all these things and my priorities are this this and this and now I don't have time for that And then either you know we break our priorities or we end up not delivering on what we've promised to do So you know that's how it can affect us to being in a positive mood, right? so taking time after that and identifying why did I make the decision and then developing a strategy

for changing that next time. Next time, I notice that I'm in a really good mood or next time, I notice I'm in an emotional moment. What can I do differently? Yeah. And then these strategies, it has to be something simple because if it's not simple, you're not gonna do gonna do it right and so that's like the three questions So if I'm in a emotional moment. I'm angry. I just got an email and I said I can't believe you know

They're saying this I got to respond to this email right now But of course that's the absolute worst thing I can do so if I can ask myself the three questions Does this need to be said yes? I need to respond to this email does it need to be said by yes, I need to respond to this email. Does it need to be said by me? For sure, they emailed me. Does it need to be said by me now? Probably not. Let me take a walk or let me take 30 minutes and come back to it. And now your response to that email will be totally different than it was, you know, half an hour ago or yesterday or whatever it is. But those three questions are simple enough to help you make the change. That's just one. And I go over a number of these different very simple techniques. Another one is what I call fast forward. So if you find yourself an emotional moment and you're about to do or say something that you're going to regret,

just pause for a second and think forward. How is this action going to affect me tomorrow? How is this going to affect me three weeks from now? How is it going to affect me five years from now? And it sounds like a big thought process, but it really isn't. It takes a few seconds to kind of run those questions through your head. And again, it makes all the difference in helping you build that self-control and breaking those habits. Yeah. Well, we love to be actionable here at Young Your Profiting Podcasts.

And I loved the analogies you used in your book, related to audio. You talk about tactics like pause, volume, mute, recording, fast forward, which you just mentioned. Could you talk about some of these tips, maybe go over some of them so that our listeners can use them in practice? But yeah, so I compare it to a media player or to watching Netflix, right?

We're all watching Netflix, and we've got all these controls in our hand. We can turn the volume up or down. What does that mean? Well, you know, one thing, and I grant my wife for actually teaching me this, when you go into a conversation with someone, they often will mimic the tone that you take with them. So if you go into a conversation upset and frustrated, guess what? They're going to come back to you upset and frustrated. If you can go in, you know go in a cool, rational way, then they're oftentimes going to react that same way. The volume control is just that as being able to, noticing sometimes we don't notice it

at first or sometimes we don't go into the conversation that way, but we see now that things are elevating. We'll noticing that and being able to dial it back a bit. Let me reduce my tone. Let me try to calm down and that being able to dial it back a bit. Okay, let me reduce my tone, let me try to calm down, and that's going to calm the other person down. We talked about fast forward. We've kind of alluded to the pause, but let me kind of break that down a little bit more. Yeah. Specifically, so the pause, you know, just like if you're watching Netflix, you might pause it for a second so you can process what's going on. Think about a scene or something like that. So the pause

is when you notice that you're an emotional moment, not just moving forward, not just pressing forward, but stopping. And whether it's asking those questions or like we said, taking a walk, sometimes it's not possible to take a walk or to go anywhere, but just pausing for five seconds before you answer a question can make all the difference. Because if you respond purely based on emotion, then you might say something that you regret. Why did I say that or why I reveal that?

But if you combine your emotion with rational thought, just taking five seconds to think that through, and there's a great example of how Steve Jobs used this. I wrote about it for my ink column. If you just Google Steve Jobs, great way, respond to an insult. And you'll find there's actually a video out there too. And you'll see that someone basically attacked him from the audience. It was shortly after his return to Apple. And they attacked him from

the audience like, why did you do this? And what have you been doing for the last few years? And you'll notice that the first thing he does, he doesn't respond at all. He takes a drink of water. He says a brief comment, I can't remember if the top of my head, but it takes him about 30 seconds before he gives a man a full answer. And the first thing he says is, you know, the problem with this situation is that gentlemen like this are many times right. And he agrees with the man.

And you can feel how he just gains the whole audience. And then he turns the answer into really, you know, persuade the audience to his way of thinking, but it all starts with that pause. And it just shows how powerful pausing for a few seconds before taking action is. So we talked about the pause, we talked about fast forward. Mut, recording.

Mut, yeah, exactly. So sometimes we need to shut up because if we continue speaking when someone else is in an emotional moment, it's not going to do any good. They're not listening to us. We're not making any headway. We're not being persuasive. Whereas if we just mute ourselves, then that gives us the ability to move on to the next tool, which is recording. And it's just listening to what they have to say. And listening is such a learning exercise, right? You're not recording to get something you can use against them in a future way. No, again, we go to, it's all about understanding. Social awareness is about empathy and understanding.

Why do they feel the way they do? Why are they upset right now? So just muting and then recording, listening to what they have to say can help you get to the root cause of whatever problem. Maybe it has nothing to do with you. Maybe they're in a bad mood because of this or this that happened to their day, you know, and that can help you to see, okay, I just need to come back to them at a different time. Or maybe it is something that you said or did, okay, why do you feel that? Have I done something to upset you? Yeah, well remember last week you did this in this?

Oh man, that has nothing to do with our conversation right now. But by listening first, you see that you've actually done something, or they're carrying something with them that you would never have learned if you didn't know to just mute yourself for a second and record what they have to say and turn it into a learning exercise. Yeah. So all these have just like a central theme, which is about like stepping back and trying to see the situation for what it is rather than how you feel in it. Exactly.

And make no mistake. I do not argue that this is an easy practice. It's, it takes years to develop. The thing is, if we're not aware in the first place, we're not going to do it. And if we don't practice, we're not going to do it. Elite athletes, they get to be elite because they practice these movements, you know, what they do over and over and over and over. They visualize what they're going to do in quiet moments. And we need to do that same thing in how we deal with our emotions and our emotional behavior.

And when we do that, we practice that over and over again. I make no claim that will be perfect. I make all kinds of mistakes. Sometimes I don't ask the three questions that I should ask myself, but those moments get fewer and further between. And you become an elite manager and understand of your emotions. And that makes for better decision making. Yeah.

Tell us why putting our emotions into words can be helpful. Sure. Yeah. So I use an illustration in the book. If you go to a doctor, for example, and you tell them, you're in pain, okay? Where are you in pain? Yeah, it hurts here in my arm. Okay, we're exactly on your arm.

Here in my elbow. Okay, what kind of pain are you feeling? Is it sharp? Is it dull? Yeah, it's a sharp pain. Okay, when do you experience it? Exactly when I do this movement. So the doctor's goal is to get you to be more and more specific with what's bothering you or what's affecting you so that he or she can properly diagnose the problem. And that's the same thing with our emotional behavior. Maybe I'm upset about something. I recognize that.

I'm in a bad mood. Okay, why am I in a bad mood? What kind of bad mood am I in? Well, I'm very frustrated. Why am I frustrated? I'm frustrated because of this, this, and this, but it all started this morning when my partner said this to me. Ah, okay, why did that bother you so much?

Well, it bothers me because he or she has been spending so much time at work lately, and I'm not getting enough attention. So, you know, being able to put your feelings into words and kind of walking through that exercise helps build that self awareness, helps build social awareness too, and it can help you diagnose what's going on so that you understand better. And then how about controlling our thoughts to better manage our emotions? How does that play into all of this? This is one of my favorite points because for some people this is relatively new that they can control their thoughts.

You know, say, well, you know, thoughts enter my head all the time and you know, I don't put them there. I didn't choose to think about that and that's absolutely true sometimes I mean we have some influence over it by what we watch what we consume but there are some times that certain thoughts will come into our mind that we didn't mean to have and there's this phrase from I believe it's actually German philosopher and it's been loosely translated you can't stop a bird from landing on your head, but you can stop it from building a nest. So we may not be able to control every single thought that comes to our mind, but we can control the reaction to that thought. And if that thought, whatever it is, if it's a very discouraging thought that can hold us back from doing something we want to do, if it's a thought that's motivating us to do something we don't want to do, well we can choose not to dwell on that thought. And then someone told me, well that's like trying

not to think of the pink elephant, right? How do you do that? Well, yeah, that's true. If you just tell yourself, don't think this, don't think this, don't think this, it's not going to happen. But just like habits, you can't just get rid of a bad habit. You have to replace it. So you replace that negative thought with a positive one. If your negative thought is, how long you cannot just start a podcast without ever having run one before and become one of the top 10 podcasts on iTunes for self-development. Well, obviously you got over anyone telling you that or maybe your personal thought thinking that,

but how did you do it? Well, one of the ways is by replacing that thought. Well, everyone had to start somewhere, right? And how about Elon Musk? Where did he start? He wasn't always the CEO of Tesla and running five companies at the same time. How about my mom and dad? You know, they weren't always great parents with me and my siblings, you know, and knowing exactly what to do. And, you know, you replace those thoughts with just getting out there and trying, and the next thing you know, you're interviewing great people, myself not included. I'm just, I'm just a normal, you are a clean bit.

A normal, I looked at your guest list recently, I was like, wow, I'm in really great company here. But that's a testament, how it's to what you've been able to accomplish. And that's one great thing about emotional intelligence. Everyone has a level of emotional intelligence. This isn't something that you have to completely build from scratch. We all have it, just like we all have different levels of traditional intelligence, or what we might call

traditional intelligence. The key is, how do we make it even better? How do we identify what are our strengths and magnify those, what are our weaknesses, and how do we work on those? Yeah, so speaking of identifying our weaknesses, what if we find it hard to self evaluate ourselves? Do you have any advice on getting an idea of, you know, who you are in terms of your emotional behavior? If you cannot self-assess? Definitely, and let's just be direct in saying that some of us may be better than that

at others, but we all have blind spots. We all have things that we're missing. And I'll listen to this podcast whenever it goes live and I'll be like, oh man, I didn't realize I was saying it like that. I kind of meant something a little bit more like this, you know. And so getting perspective from others, having conversations with others, and specifically with people that you trust, people that you can ask the hard questions to, how do you think I'm managing this regard,

or even better where you think you may not have problems? You know, ask others that you trust for that kind of feedback. And you know, in the book, I talk about the type of people that you can use for that. So if you're in a relationship, I'm asking your partner, your boyfriend, a girlfriend, or your spouse, you know, that's one of the great people in your life that you can balance this off of. But if you have close friends, you can do the same. If you have a mentor at work or a colleague that you really trust and telling them off the bat, look, I don't

want you to tell me just what you think I want to hear. I want to know where my weaknesses are too. Have you ever seen me do something you know where this happened? And I have a list of questions of the book that you can use and I encourage the reader to ask themselves that and then to ask someone they trust and can kind of compare notes and that can help you to identify some of those blind spots. Yeah, bam. If you're ready to take your business to New Heights, break through to the six or seven figure mark or learn from the world's most successful people, look no further because the Kelly Roach show has got you covered.

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And so I know that you think that all feedback is a gift, negative, and positive. So how would you advise our listeners to take in their negative feedback without feeling down on themselves? You know, it never feels good to get negative feedback, right? Because basically, if you boil it down, someone is saying, you're wrong. Or you didn't do this, right? And that never feels good. And our immediate emotional reaction to that is, no, maybe you're wrong.

Or no, you're missing the point. That's not what I was trying to do, you know? But if we can kind of step out of our emotions for a moment, there's nothing wrong with those emotions because that means that you take your opinion, your work seriously, but if we can kind of set those emotions aside for a moment and listen to what the person has to say, then that's always a learning experience.

Because sometimes they'll be right. And we are absolutely wrong on this topic. And Bravo that they've had the courage to tell us that. We have broccoli in our teeth and we don't want broccoli in our teeth. So now we know to take it out, right? Or sometimes they're wrong. And it's not right with they're telling us

and they won't completely change our opinion, but now we're learning another perspective. And I promise you, if one person thinks the way they do, 10, 100, a thousand others think the same way. And now you've got a window into their perspective and that can help you to craft your message or to communicate in a way that you say your message a little bit more clearly

or that it's more easily understood. This is what I call in the book, Diamonds and the Rough, because you get a very rough diamond is that feedback that doesn't feel good to listen to, but if you can carve it, if you can take away not just the way you're feeling, but maybe the way they've expressed it, maybe they didn't communicate the feedback in the best way. And if you can chip all that away, there's a beautiful diamond underneath, because it gives you a valuable learning experience, and you can ask yourself,

okay, what can I learn from this? Number one, and number two, how can it help me improve? Exactly, and self-improvement is not an easy thing. It's not easy to look at yourself and look at your negative attributes and decide that you're going to change them and accept them, accepting these negative things about yourself is tough to do, but it's part of the journey. So on the flip side, how about compliments?

Everyone likes to be praised, everyone likes to be complimented, but how do we need to keep ourselves in check when it comes to these things? Yeah, as you said, we all love that. We all love to feel that we've done well or that someone enjoys what we do. And that's great. And I think in the world, we get a lot less of that than we should go back to the experience of the German executives I worked with. You know, they were not used to at all ever hearing anything positive about that work. That's just an awful situation that I was trying to help change on a small scale.

There's not enough praise, there's not enough commendation. On the flip side, as you mentioned, you have to be aware that some people will use that. There is an interesting study I mentioned in the book about clinically diagnosed psychopaths and sociopaths and their ability to use empathy. And before I came across this research, you know, my thinking was, well, they lack empathy. I mean, that's true in one perspective, but the reality is what this research is proving is that these types of people have the ability to control their empathy. They can kind of switch it on and off. And so they can use that. They can turn on the charm, so to speak, to flatter someone, to praise someone, to get on their good side,

to get them to agree to things, to manipulate them. And so being aware of that, and this is what we, you know, what I described in the book is the dark side of emotional intelligence. Being able to use these skills, you know, in a very manipulative way, you know, how do you guard against that? Well, it comes back to increasing your own emotional intelligence, because if to use these skills in a very manipulative way. How do you guard against that? Well, it comes back to increasing your own emotional intelligence because if you can identify when people are doing that, and I'm not saying to second guess anytime anyone gives you a compliment, not at all. But being able to identify when someone is trying to butter you up or manipulate you or use emotions in a way to persuade you in a way that gets you to do something that's not

really in harmony with what you want to do. It's important to be able to realize that. Yeah, I love this topic. EQ is normally talked about in a very positive light, but like you said, there's a dark side of EQ. For example, the Journal of Nonverbal Behaviour stated that those who tend to exploit others for personal gain were also good at reading those people's emotions. So I thought that a really fun way to close out the episode would be with some real life examples of positive and negative EQ. And I thought Steve Jobs was a great example of somebody who used it both positively and also used it to not manipulate his workers, but I guess get things done in not such a positive way.

So could you just shed some light on how Steve Jobs used EQ in his career? Sure. Well, readers that do end up taking a look at the book. They'll see that I start the book with the example of Steve Jobs just because he's such a great case study on both sides of emotional intelligence. So he had the ability to inspire. If you ever watch one of Jobs's keynotes, because he's such a great case study on both sides of emotional intelligence. So he had the ability to inspire. If you ever watch one of Jobs's keynotes, they're much different than what we watch now from Apple.

I mean, I'm an Apple fan, I use Apple devices, but the keynotes are nowhere near what they used to be with Jobs at the helm. He used emotion to really to build a feeling and like emotional connection to an object, a product, you know, obviously they still succeeded that to an extent. But you know, he was able to do that at a very large scale. He was able to do that with his workers.

Not everyone might know that when he left Apple the first time, a big group of workers actually followed him to his startup, which was named next. And this was interesting because jobs at that point, he was 31 years old, he was very brash, very cocky, short of himself. Why would people follow him? Well, it was because he also knew how to get the best out of people.

And he was able to, and I interview one of his person that worked with him very closely for a number of years. And she talked about, she did her best work under Steve Jobs because he knew how to get the best out of her. So those were some of the positives, but he also knew how to really, at times manipulate people, he spoke down to them, and he made some regrets Walter Isaacson's biography on Jobs,

which he had all this access to Jobs, countless interviews and with his family. And Jobs admitted that there are certain things that he was not proud of, countless interviews and with his family. And jobs admitted that there are certain things that he was not proud of, how he dealt with his family and this kind of thing. So again, and this goes back to the crux, which is emotional intelligence, can be used in different ways.

And so in addition to learning how to develop bars and how to use it, it's everything that comes along with it. What about the moral character and the integrity? How can we use it in a way that we can be proud of? Yeah. So how about a leader who does it totally right? I know the CEO of Microsoft might be a great example, but I'll let you choose who you want to discuss.

Yeah. I say this with a grain of salt because a lot of these people, I haven't met personally, so you name a great one, Sachin Adela, is when I feel it's a great CEO of Microsoft has done a great example with his communication. But I don't know Sachin Adela personally, I haven't worked with him on a personal basis. So I'm hesitant to say someone is a great example of emotional intelligence, but I love to pull out specific actions and examples. So one thing that he's done in the past, you know, it was a time where a Microsoft programmers were working on this artificial intelligent bot and they are trying to work on the way that it processes and responds to communication. It was called Tay. And it was a

quickly lived experiment because this bot Tay, it learned really quickly, but it learned in the wrong way. And it was starting to spew out very racist messages and vulgar messages, and they had to shut it down. And it was the talk of the town. It was the headline of every major tech blog and business insider and ink and all these things. But what came out later was Nadella's email to his team, which was just a little excerpt, but it was like, look, learn from this experience.

I'm quoting loosely here. Fail forward. We don't learn without making mistakes. this experience, I'm quoting loosely here, fail forward. We don't learn without making mistakes. So, hey, I'm behind you. Let's see what we can learn from this and move forward. How would you feel after something that everyone else was judging as a complete failure for the CEO of a company with thousands of employees to write your team and say, no worries, we can learn from this.

That's high emotional intelligence, because that's how you motivate people and get them to learn from our mistakes. So that's one example. I write a lot, Inc obviously is a business centered publication. So I write a lot in the business world. For example, Elon Musk, I've wrote from both sides, kind of similar to Jobs.

I think Elon Musk is brilliant, but we've seen very specific instances of him using emotional intelligence in a positive way to motivate employees to connect with customers. We've also seen it in a negative way where he's gotten attacked and he's responded in a very brash way. And I say negative because he says later that he's regretted, you know, some of these actions. So anyway, those are a couple of examples, but there's a lot more in the book and a lot more in the column, if readers want to find more. Yes, so let's have you cover that in detail. Where can our listeners go to find out more about you and everything that you do? Well, EQ applied is available, basically wherever

books are sold, most easily, probably on Amazon. If you're not ready to buy the book, then please check out the blog. Also, the name EQ applied. And lots of free resources there. You can check out real life examples of emotional intelligence, real life tips. And there's excerpts of the book there too, that you can find. And then the column, my name's Justin Bariso.

I write weekly on emotionalintelligenceforinc.com. So I encourage you to follow the column and hopefully you'll pick up something to value there as well. Thanks Justin, I love this conversation and I appreciate your time. Hala, it's been great, thank you so much for having me. Thanks for listening to Young & Profiting Podcast. If you enjoyed this episode, don't forget to write us a review on Apple Podcasts or wherever you listen to the show. Follow YAHP on Instagram at Young & Profiting and check us out at Young & Profiting.com. And now you can chat live with us every single day on YAHP's side on Slack. Check out our

show notes or Young & Profiting.com for the registration link. You can find me on Instagram at YAHP with Hala or LinkedIn just search for my name, Hala Taha. Big thanks to the YAHP team for another successful episode. This week, I'd like to give a special thanks to our loyal listeners. Without you, Yapp would be absolutely nothing. Thank you for all the kind reviews on Apple podcasts, for sharing your thoughts on social media posts or comments on SoundCloud and YouTube. Our listeners are literally the best and your feedback keeps us going strong. Thank you so much for tuning in week after week. This is Hala signing off. Are you looking for ways to be happier, healthier,

more productive and more creative? I'm Gretchen Ruben, the number one best-selling author of the Happiness Project. And every week we share ideas and practical solutions on the Happier with Gretchen Ruben podcast. My co-host and Happiness Guinea Pig is my sister Elizabeth Kraft. That's me Elizabeth Kraft, a TV writer and producer in Hollywood. Join us as we explore fresh insights from cutting-edge science, ancient wisdom,

pop culture, and our own experiences about cultivating happiness and good habits. Every week we offer a try this at home tip you can use to boost your happiness without spending a lot of time energy or money. Suggestions such as follow the one minute rule. Choose a one word theme for the year or design your summer. We also feature segments like know yourself better where we discuss questions like are you an over buyer or an under buyer, morning person or night person, abundance lever or simplicity lever. And every episode includes a happiness hack, a quick, easy shortcut to more happy. Listen and follow the podcast, Happier with Gretchen Rubin.