Young and Profiting with Hala Taha - Martha Beck: The Way of Integrity | E119

Episode Date: June 21, 2021

In this episode of YAP, we are talking with Martha Beck, bestselling author, life coach, and speaker. Martha is known for her unique combination of science, humor, and spirituality and famous for being Oprah Winfrey’s life coach. Her written work includes several international bestsellers, as well as over 150 magazine articles.    Martha holds three Harvard degrees and for over two decades she has been, in the words of NPR and USA Today, “the best-known life coach in America.”Her published works include several self-help books and memoirs, including New York Times and international bestsellers Finding Your Own North Star, The Joy Diet, and Expecting Adam. Martha’s newest book, The Way of Integrity: Finding the Path to Your True Self, was an instant New York Times Best Seller.   Tune in as Martha will share how not telling a single lie for a year drastically altered her life, and how to know if you aren’t following your truth. We also chat about culture vs. nature and get into an emotional discussion about something I’ve been personally going through. And lastly, we’ll get Martha’s guidance on how to live our life with the utmost integrity and her alternative to a hustler’s mentality.  Sponsored by:  Olay Body. Fearless In My Skin. LinkedIn Learning. Try free for 1 month at LinkedInLearning.com/FREE MONTH. Social Media:   Follow YAP on IG: www.instagram.com/youngandprofiting Reach out to Hala directly at [e-mail] Follow Hala on Linkedin: www.linkedin.com/in/htaha/ Follow Hala on Instagram: www.instagram.com/yapwithhala Follow Hala on ClubHouse: @halataha Check out our website to meet the team, view show notes and transcripts: www.youngandprofiting.com   Timestamps:   00:38 - How Martha’s Life at 29 Shaped Her 02:56 - The Frequency at Which People Lie  04:05 - How Not Telling a Lie For a Year Changed Martha’s Life 05:44 - The Way Martha Used Dante For Inspiration 08:06 - Why Martha Decided to Write, Leaving The Saints 15:59 - Culture Versus Nature 24:10 - How To Know If You Aren’t Following Your Truth 26:07 - Martha’s Perspective on Hustle 27:32 - The Right Way to Make Progress  30:36 - Why You Should Accept Losing Relationships When You Speak Your Truth 32:15 - Actionable Steps To Live Your Life With Integrity 34:11 - How Martha Dealt With Integrity in Pregnancy 36:30 - Martha’s Secret to Profiting in Life   Mentioned in the Episode:   Martha’s Website: https://marthabeck.com/ Martha’s New Book, The Way of Integrity: https://marthabeck.com/the-way-of-integrity/ Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

This episode of YAP is sponsored in part by Shopify. Shopify simplifies selling online and in-person so you can focus on successfully growing your business. Sign up for a $1 per month trial period at Shopify.com slash profiting. This episode of YAP is sponsored by Ole Body. Why do you shower? The most obvious answer is cleanliness, but there's way more to it. If you listen to YAP, you know that cold showers can improve your energy

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They completely changed how I thought about my body care routine and my shower. You can find ole body care products in the store or online. Ole body, fearless in my skin. shower. You can find Olay Body Care products in the store or online, Olay Body, Fearless and My Skin. You're listening to YAP, Young and Profiting Podcast, a place where you can listen, learn, and profit. Welcome to the show. I'm your host, Halla Taha, and on Young and Profiting Podcast, we investigate a new topic each week and interview some of the brightest minds in the world.

My goal is to turn their wisdom into actionable advice that you can use in your everyday life, no matter your age, profession or industry. There's no fluff on this podcast, and that's on purpose. I'm here to uncover value from my guests by doing the proper research and asking the right questions. If you're new to the show, we've chatted with the likes of XFBI agents, real estate moguls, self-made billionaires, CEOs, and bestselling authors. Our subject matter ranges from enhanced and productivity, had to gain influence, the

art of entrepreneurship, and more. If you're smart and like to continually improve yourself, hit the subscribe button because you'll love it here at Young & Profiting Podcast. This week on YAP, we're chatting with Martha Beck, bestselling author, life coach, and speaker. Martha is known for her unique combination of science, humor, and spirituality and is famous for being Oprah Winfrey's life coach.

Martha holds three Harvard degrees, and for over two decades she has been in the words of NPR and USA Today, the best-known life coach in America. Her published works include several self-help books and memoirs, and her latest book, The Wave Integrity, Finding the Path to true self, was an instant New York Times bestseller. Tune into this episode as Martha shares how not telling a lie for a year drastically altered her life, and how to know if you aren't following your truth. We'll also chat about culture versus nature, and I'll get into an emotional discussion about

something I've been personally going through. And lastly, we'll get Martha's guidance on how to live our life with the utmost integrity and her alternative to a hustler's mentality. Hey Martha, welcome to Young Improfiting Podcast. Thank you so much for having me. So I'm super excited to talk to you today. You are a best-selling author.

You are a life coach most notably over his life coach, which is huge. And you know, you have so many accolades. I want to talk about your background and I want to talk about your new book, The Way of Integrity. But before we do that, I love to give my listeners context. I love to give them background and especially for those who might not know you. And so I thought a good place to start was when you were 29 years old. At 29 you had a New Year's resolution that you weren't going to tell life for an entire year and I want to understand what was life for you at 29, like what were you up to at 29 and how did that year and that promised yourself change your life? Okay, so yeah, I was like

cruising where my family and my culture had sent me, really. I mean, we're all born with our own particular genetic profile. And then we start getting social pressure even before we can talk. In my case, I grew up in a very, very Mormon household in a very, very Mormon community. And then I went off to Harvard when I was 17. And I was there for the next many years because I did my BA and then I stayed for an M.I. and a Ph.D. and I was miserable,

completely and totally miserable. I wasn't happy when I was in Utah and I wasn't happy when I was in Cambridge. In both places I was basically bending myself to fit the culture. So, you know, if you have a family culture that wants you to be happy all the time and you don't feel good, you may pretend to be happy. The moment you leave your truth and pretend something else, you start to suffer. And typically you don't even notice that you're just like you're doing everything for approval. So I was doing everything I could for approval in two very different cultures, neither of which actually fit my personality. And I was so unhappy. I was depressed. My body

was my 20s were like most people's 90s. I had so many health problems. And when I was 29, they said, okay, everybody tells you the truth will set you free. All right, I'm not going to tell a lie. Okay, everybody tells you the truth will set you free. All right, I'm not gonna tell a lie. And I didn't. And things got much worse and much better at the same time. And they stayed much better. The worse when it came to pass

and the better stayed for a long, long time, still going on that. So yeah, it's a really violent way to decide that you're gonna live in complete integrity, but it sure does get the job done if you decide not to lie for a whole year. My book doesn't recommend such drastic measures. So for my understanding, people lie all the time

and you say there's three types of lies people say, and we'll say multiple lies in a span of 10 minutes and they give me white little lies but tell us about how often we lie and why that's so problematic. Yeah, most people lie to each other at least three times within 10 minutes of meeting and repeatedly throughout that most women by the way lie to make other people feel good and most men lie to make themselves look better a little bit. And that's not a judgment. That's how the culture teaches us to act, right? But even the tiniest little white lie like, how are you doing? I'm fine. I'm not fine. I'm sad.

And my body's achy. The moment you depart from your truth, the body has an incredibly strong reaction. This is why polygraph machines work. you depart from your truth, the body has an incredibly strong reaction. This is why polygraph machines work. The moment you just say anything that isn't true for you or do anything that isn't true for you, your immune system suffers, your muscles get immensely weaker. They get so much weaker, it's incredible. Your whole everything starts to go wrong. The moment you stray from your truth.

Wow, that's really powerful. So back to 29 years old, you decided that you weren't going to tell a lie for an entire year. How did that change your life? What changed for you? So I ended up leaving or losing my religion, my family of origin went with that because you know, in a very, very religious community. And if you leave the religion, you're not really good with the people. So all the friends I'd

made before the age of 17, I realized I didn't like my job. My father was a professor. I was a professor because you do what you see, right? But I didn't like academia. So I quit the whole industry. The only way I knew how to make money. Realized I was gay. So there went my marriage, left my home, left like I had to move to another state to get away from the, I fled Utah. So yeah, everything looked like it was falling apart. And my life had looked so bright and shiny before that, right? Now it looked like a complete mess, and I came out of depression. I started being able to sleep well for the first time in my life.

I had a whole clutch of autoimmune diseases that all, they're all incurable. They all went into remission. So I got healthy and happy for the first time in the midst of these catastrophic losses. Wow. So it's kind of like you had like your best year and your worst year. It was the best of times. It was the worst of times.

You had to go through hell and back to kind of get there. So tell us, I know in your new book, you talk about Dante and you really, you believe that his book was like the first self-help book. Give us the example of Dante and kind of how it relates to your story and how everybody can use that story to kind of come out of the chaos, better on the other side. Well, Dante begins the divine comedy by saying,

in the middle of life, I came to myself in a dark and terrifying place and I didn't know how I got there or why or how to get out. And I remember reading that at 18 and going, oh, I've been there. And then he tries to get out and scrambles and he climbs and nothing works. And then finally, he meets a teacher who says,

you have to go through the inferno to get out of here. And the inferno is hell, it's a pit. And he goes through it. And he talks to all the demons. And to me, those represent our inner demons. And the lies we tell ourselves that we don't even know about. Most of the people in Dante's hell did nothing wrong. They were just trying to be good.

Most people don't know that. But he goes to the very center of the earth, the lowest possible place. And as teacher says, you've got to keep going. And he's like, there is no more. And the teacher says no go. And so he has to climb on the body of the monster, Satan, who's locked in a lake of ice at the center.

And as he passes the center point of the earth, without changing direction, he's now going up because he's coming away from the center of the earth. And I remember reading that and thinking, right, that rings true. I'm gonna go out, I have to go down through the things that caused me to suffer suffer and the only way out is through. And that just felt true to me. And I decided, all right, I'm going to do that. Oh my gosh, it's so powerful. It

seems so like simple, but it's so true. Like you have to go through all that pain, actually acknowledge it. And then you can kind of come out the other side and heal yourself. It reminds me I had a Holocaust survivor on my show, Dr. Edith Eager, and she talked about how you kind of need to release the trauma, talk about it, talk about it to someone or else it's always just going to hurt you physically, mentally, you're never going to be able to get over it. So I want to talk about something that happened 10 years after you 29 years old, you wrote a new book and it was all about leaving the saints. It was all about some people say it was not denouncing being Mormon, but essentially like you kind of

unearthed some things that many people didn't know unless you were in it, right? And it caused a lot of controversy. So tell us about that book, why you decided to write it, what happened to you when you wrote it? Because that also, I feel like, really aligned with you speaking your truth and not being afraid of culture. Yeah, it really did. So during that year of not lying at all,

when everything comes up, when you stop lying, the truth arises, the truths you've been trying to hold down come up. And one of the things that came up for me was that I'd been sexually abused by my father when I was very young, like five. And he was a very important figure in Mormonism. He was the foremost defender of the faith, a scholarly defender of the faith. And I think it actually made him go crazy, quite literally, because he was defending things

that were obviously false. So for that story to be out there and for people to be joining Mormonism, I was trained as a sociologist, and one of the things that I started to see was that there was kind of an epidemic of abuse of girls and women in that very fundamentalist community. And I thought, okay, I now have a public voice. I've been published, and I thought, okay, I kind of owe it to the world. Alexander Solgiannitzin says there's a time when silence is a lie. And I thought, my silence is a lie at this point. So I wrote down, not just what happened to me, but what I thought was happening to a lot of people, and the fundamental,

I'm just going to say it, the fundamental And the fundamental, I'm just gonna say it, the fundamental lies that are at the heart of some of the beliefs of the Mormon faith. And those people who are on the fringes like that, they're not only more likely to be abusive, they're quite violent. So I got death threats, I knew I would. I had threats against my children, Anyone who had helped me got threats.

Legal action. I was told I would be putting prison for the rest of my life. It was really, really sporty in there. It wasn't fun. But again, the freedom that I got from that, the freedom from the trauma, the freedom from the tentacles of the culture. If I hadn't done that, I think I'd be dead now,

from illness, not from being a taxi. Yeah, I can't put help, but relate this to something personal for me. So as I was reading your work and understanding what you've been through, it really struck a chord with me because I'm Palestinian. All my listeners know I'm 100% Palestinian. I'm so American. I'm so American. I'm so liberal. I have so many Jewish friends.

I am the least anti-Jewish person. I've interviewed a Holocaust survivor. I just mentioned before. I'm pro-human. I'm anti-racist. You know what I mean? And so there's a lot going on in Israel and all of the human rights organizations have said that Israel isn't apartheid state.

And for me, it's like our culture knows apartheid is bad, right? Our culture knows that police brutality is bad, right? And there's so many, like morally, we know that's wrong. But when we talk about Palestinian freedom, we're called anti-Semitic, anti-Jewish. When it's really like, no, I'm I'm pro-human rights. I just want people to be able to drive on the same roads to get equal amounts of water, you know, to not be brutally massacred and ethnically cleanse and kicked out of their homes that they've been living

for hundreds of years just because they're not Jewish. That's racist, you know? And as an influencer who has a platform now, I have all this turmoil because I'm like, do I speak on it? Because I've experienced it. Like I've been in the airport where my father, who was a freaking angel who passed away last year,

was literally interrogated for hours. And when he used to be a doctor that would save hundreds of lives, like you know what I mean, treated like shit when he was just a good man. My grandfather died at a checkpoint and because he couldn't get to a hospital in time. So like I've witnessed this, like people, they used to break my windows

in Palestine every summer because we had a pool and they were so mad that my family was doing well. So it's like I've experienced the apartheid and racism myself as an American citizen. I would have to drive on different roads. Like I experienced it. So I know the truth inside of me. Like I've been there, I know the truth.

And I've had neck problems. Like, all of a sudden, it's like I was so healthy and now I feel so sick sometimes because I'm sorry I'm like crying. It's just because I just feel like I can't talk. I can't speak my truth because I'm worried that I'll lose my fans. And that, like, I'll lose my relationships.

And all this thing I worked so hard for with the name like halota to achieve right so I'm sorry I'm getting emotional it's just like it's just so hard to feel like I'm unaligned with the truth you know yeah You're right in the crucible and in that place where silence is alive But the truth is gonna get you attacked And I know what you're talking about. And I, in the book, I write about how this other ring, it doesn't matter whether you're coming, what your perspective is. If you go into what I call, well, I call it the right-just mind, Bonta calls it the violent

mind. And it just says, the other is bad. And you can, one thing I see a lot of is people who have been victims in the past, then attacking other people, because they feel justified. And one thing I see a lot of is people who have been victims in the past, they're attacking other people because they feel justified. And the violence of the anger has nothing to do with the facts. It has nothing to do with the truth. It has part of the brain that wants to clump together and then attack anyone who seems

different. And it is insane. And if you give, I say just look at the statistics, look at the actual facts of who's dying, right, and who's killing. Like, that's what's happening right now. And if you look at that, and you say it out loud, there are people, I've had Jewish friends who got really mad at me because I agree with you about a partied system in that part of the world. And here we are and we're both going to lose followers over this. All right.

Okay. What would it, does it profit us if we gain the whole world and lose our own souls? And the moment you start to, especially when you've been through it like you have, you've been traumatized and that Holocaust survivor was exactly right. You have to express the truth in your heart. And if you feel muscled, that's staying chained in hell. And speaking out is going to get you violent reactions from violent minds. But what I always say is there are two ways to get angry. One will save your life and one will ruin it.

The second one is the violence of rage that attacks to sort of protect some fictitious we are all like a newer bad system. But the anger that saves you is the one that says, no, I'm going to get my principles in line. I'm going to define my values and I'm going to look at what is actually happening. So all the systems in our bodies have to agree. The heart has to agree. The soul has to agree.

The body has to agree. That's why your body is struggling because you've been silent about something that you want to speak out about. And then the mind has to agree. The math has to work too. Like you have to be able to look at the facts. And the crazy thing about the violent mind is that if you show it facts that disprove what it believes, it believes itself even more. So it's very weird. And you have a public platform, you're just where I was, you know, where I said, I have a voice, I need to use it or silence this

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You can find Olai soothing body wash with vitamin B3 complex and Oat extract and other Olai body care products in the store or online. Olai body, fearless in my skin. I really want to dig deep between this nature and culture. I really want people to understand like why is that so powerful? How does culture shape all of our actions or decisions? culture. I really want people to understand, like, why is that so powerful? Like, how does culture shape all of our actions or decisions? And how can we step back and look at whether we really believe this or whether society is kind of guiding us to believe that we believe

something? Because I feel like we all believe, like with this example with Paulus and Israel, it's like, we just believe because we have movies and just constant the propaganda that Muslims are bad, why people are good. And you know what I mean? And it's like, and we can't even see the facts for the facts because it's so ingrained in our minds. So, tell us about that. Help us understand.

So, you're born pure and whole. And my book is called The Way of Integrity, but integrity doesn't mean a moral virtue. It just means your whole and intact. So you have not betrayed yourself to please anyone else. So that's your nature to be whole and at peace and one undivided thing. But the moment you think, okay, what I feel in my heart, body, mind, soul, is going against other people. So I'm going to abandon my true nature because of the pressure of culture. So I'll agree with the people around me. And I will not even know that I'm not happy with it. So I often just ask people, are you comfortable? And they're like, yeah, I say, if you were home right now, would you be sitting in this position?

They say, no. And I say, why not? And they say because it's not comfortable. And the interesting thing is that people look me in the eyes and clear daylight and swear that they're comfortable. And then a moment later, when I ask them what their body is saying, they realize they're not comfortable. So what we do is we go through life adjusting for the people around us. So they'll approve of us getting more and more and more uncomfortable because we're straying from our whole true

nature. And we're in duplicity, which is two things, instead of integrity, which is one thing. And we need to, like, with you with your body, if I were coaching you right now, I'd have you do a lot of quiet sitting and relaxing and breathing and then going to the places like in your neck and say what is like let's do it right now why not? So your neck hurts you said. Okay so let the pain relax briefly and let the pain

get as big as it can be. So instead of resisting it, relax and let it become huge. All right. So, is it getting bigger, smaller, warmer, colder? Just pay attention to that. That's like I can feel it a little bit more. Okay. Now, let yourself go all the way into the pain, so you don't feel anything else but that. And then as the pain, say, what am I trying to express? What is your neck trying to tell you? Probably stop working so hard. You need to slave. That's number one.

And then also, I think do the right thing is like what keeps playing in my head. Interesting. Okay, so here's the great thing that your integrity first tells you to rest. So it will give you in every instance that you really get honest and let your body and your heart and your soul talk to your mind,

they will tell you what to do first, second, third. So one of my good friends is Liz Gilbert who wrote Eat, Pray, Love, and I don't know if you've read that, but in the first scene, she's on the bath and floor in torment because she doesn't wanna be married. And she starts to pray for the first time in her life. She doesn't really believe in God, but she starts to pray and she sort of pours it all out

of her heart and she sort of feels in her heart of voice saying, go back to bed, Liz. And she said, this is why I knew it was true in her heart of voice saying, go back to bad lives. And she said, this is why I knew it was true because it didn't say go forth and change reality. No, it was like sweetheart, put yourself to bad. That's the first thing. And then we'll work on the next thing.

So yes, you need to change the world and you are changing the world, Hala. But do you dare, Will you be brave enough? Will you be strong enough in your values to rest first? And then keep speaking out. Can you do that? I have to because I feel like that's the best way to kind of put your best self-worthness to make sure that you take care of yourself first. It's kind of like on an airplane, you know, you got to put your mask on first before you put it on somebody else. But I don't know if it's particular to like Arab cultures, but I've had friends from

the Middle East who and the the the work ethic is insane. Like work tell you drop in your tracks. Is that what you learn growing up? Yes. I had a very, very, very hard working father. And I'm running a big company that's growing really fast and kind of working 16, 18 hours, like just being a little crazy.

And I think so, that's probably, that's probably where this neck problems are coming from too, just always like hunched over on the computer. You know what, there's a relationship there though, because one of the things the exercises I have people do in the book is write a letter to the people who are ruining the world in whatever way causes you to be at attention. So one of mine is like climate change and

destruction of animals and pollution of the earth. And then, there's a write a letter to them telling them everything they should do and then go to the top of the letter and cross out their name and put yours because if you don't do it first you can't lead that part of the world if you're not in integrity yourself It's like trying to build an airplane out of broken parts, right? You so when you say I want to be treated better, I don't want to be in this crisis mode all the time. I wish people in that part of the world

were kinder to people like me. Well, are you being kinder to a person like you? Are you giving yourself as much joy, relaxation, good treatment, and time off as you would like everyone in the world to have, because if you're not and you go telling the world to be different than you are, that's hypocrisy. Yeah, that makes total sense. So I want to talk about more about integrity and your definition of integrity.

How do you define it? It's just, I love the term structural integrity. And that just means a machine is in working order. So an airplane in structural integrity can fly. And if it loses structural integrity, that is if it's part stop working together, right? It'll crash or not take off. So our lives are exactly the same way.

When there are pieces of us that are torn away from each other in that duplicity I was talking about, when we've abandoned our truth, our true selves, we're not in structural integrity and we crash. And the first thing we feel as a sense of meaninglessness, the second thing is like emotional discontent, and the third thing is physical pain. So you're right on the cusp of that. And if you don't address it, if you don't go back to your structural integrity, you're going to have to start to have much worse problems. Not because you're being bad, it's because you're trying too hard to be good.

And when you're trying too hard to be good and you're leaving yourself because the culture says good looks like this, when you do that, your suffering arises to help wake you up and say, look, nothing is as important as what you know in your deepest heart of hearts. No matter what they tell you about it, believe that, go to it. And if you do that, you start to heal. And so how can we tell if we are out of alignment and we are not following our integrity? Because since that power of culture is so strong, we might not ever realize that, oh, like I feel this bad because I'm just going with societal norms and not following my truth, how do you know if you're not actually following your truth?

You'll have those discomforts. I actually came to believe, and this is after 30 years of looking at it, that the only reason we suffer psychologically is that we lose our truth. When we come back to our truth, there's this peace that we arrive at that is it's sometimes called the peace that passeth all understanding, because it just even in the middle of chaos, the soul goes into a place of deep peace. The moment we step into our truth, so we talked about how the moment we lie, we start to feel worse, well, the moment we return to our integrity, we start to feel better. So I have found one sentence that feels that clicks, that click of truth more than anything else for everyone I've talked to

around the world, all different life circumstances. And that phrase is, I am meant to live in peace. So if you just think that or anybody listening, think that phrase, I am meant to live in peace and let yourself believe it for a moment. And you'll feel everything going junk like a puzzle piece fitting in. And that's your body, heart, mind, soul saying, yes, we are aligned. That is the truth. Go there. And it starts to fix you. The moment you believe it, the moment you come back to your truth, everything starts to get better. Oh my gosh. I think that's so powerful. I feel like I'm going to say that phrase when I'm trying, like, if something bad happens, I feel like that will help direct me in the

right situation. I love that. So let's talk about hustle because we were just talking about how sometimes I'm working 16 hour, 18 hour days, like I literally wake up 8 a.m. to midnight. I am working pushing deals, whatever I literally wake up, 8 a.m. to midnight. I am working, pushing deals, whatever I'm doing to move the needle, to grow this podcast. I know you have a very particular perspective on hustle. Talk to us about that. Well, I had a friend who, she passed away, but she was a drug addict for 20 years, and then she was clean and sober for 20 years.

And when you're a drug addict on the streets, you're always hustling to get more drugs. So 20 years after getting clean and sober, she said, I can still walk into any room and tell who's hustling. Because it's an artificial way of trying to get what you want from the world. So I looked it up in the dictionary, several dictionaries actually.

And I think this is amazing. This is a portrait of American culture in one word, because here are the definitions. The first one for hustle is go out there, grab life with both hands and make something good happen for yourself. Yeah. Second thing is to go very rapidly in a certain direction.

Third thing, force someone else to go rapidly in a certain direction. Fourth thing, prostitute yourself, and last, to cheat or to swindle. And so we start out thinking, I'm just gonna get life, you know, and I'm gonna do the credible thing, you know, do the noble thing and hustle my way to success.

But then we start falling into the other forms of hustling. And that's, that is very much our culture and we need to like put the brakes on a bit and come back so that we make sure we don't fall into the negative side of hustling. So like what's the alternative then? Like how do we, I don't know, what's the right way to make progress then? The best way, I think the most effective and also by far the most enjoyable is called flow by psychologists. And it's a state of working toward what we value the most in ways that correspond with our values at a level that's almost too hard for us. So it looks very similar to Hasline because we're working, we can work really hard in

being flow. It's where athletes are when they're just, they become the game, you know, or painter who discipline, like when I paint my verbal mind shuts down and nothing else exists. But I'm really working hard, I'm working the problem. So what you could do with your podcast or whoever out there is trying to build something,

if you think, I'm selling myself out, I'm like I'm doing things I don't really want. I'm trying to push people or deals that don't. It feels like a push. I always say that people don't push the river. It flows by itself. So instead, you find your values like that, what is a verb and an adverb that defines what you want your life to be about. So it could be loving them conditionally or creating continuously or serving joyfully. Like what would yours be?

I like serving. I do a lot of serving, serving creatively maybe, serving creatively. So then you think, all right, is the thing that I'm doing for my podcast this day? Is it serving creatively? So then you think, all right, is the thing that I'm doing for my podcast this day? Is it serving creatively? Is it in line with that, with my values? And then you make sure that every goal is a goal that comes from your whole self, not from, you want to please this person, that person, the other person, like when you're dealing with this issue with the Jewish Palestinian conflict, you have to say,

okay, I want to serve creatively, but I'm afraid I'll lose followers. Now, immediately you start creating a new story that'll spin people, right? You're like, I have a lot of Jewish friends, really, really. And I'm the same way. We're all the same way. We want to say we're not being that, really, really. And on the same way, we're all the same way. We want to say we're not being that. But do you feel that that starts to go into anxiety instead of flow? Yeah, 100%. Yeah. And so you go, oh, there I got into the hustle. And the hustle isn't integrity. It's not, it's done for the right reasons, but it goes in a bad direction. So, okay, what would be serving creatively to help address this problem? I'm going to lose followers. Well, how could I gain more followers that I really want when the ones

that I really don't want go away? And then the anxiety goes down and you're like, this is now a creative problem to solve. It's not me running around trying to please everybody. Yeah, exactly. And I'm sure, like, to your point, you may lose relationships, speaking your truth. So is there a way to get around that or is just that's something that we have to accept that we may lose relationships and connections sometimes when we go against culture and speak our truth?

We can't control other people, period. I mean, that's something, if you think you can control other people, you are out of integrity because you can. You can put a other people, period. I mean, that's something. If you think you can control other people, you are out of integrity because you can. You can put a gun to their heads. You still can't control what they're thinking or feeling in their hearts, right? So if you set out to control other people, you are lost.

And if you just live according to your integrity and people don't like it, you're gonna have to accept that those are not the people that serve your happiness the people that serve your happiness the best and they will slough away. And that I go on these periodic, what I call integrity cleanses where I like get super intense about it. Many times I've done a year without lying or I tried to. I'm sure it slips out here and there. But the moment I do that, I lose friends. You know, there's one woman who I, she asked

if she could come say at my house and I said, let me check with my integrity. And she said, no, if you have to check, then we're not friends anymore. And I'm like, okay, oh my gosh. Bye. I'm old enough now. I'm like, all right, I'll get some new people will come in. And there'll be people who are drawn to your authenticity. And that actually, even if you go online, people hate being hustled. They don't wanna go with a podcaster who's hustling them.

They want somebody who shows up authentically and vulnerably. And honestly, but it's scary as hell to show up that way. Too bad, we have to do it anyway. Do you have any like actionable steps that we can take or like a challenge when it comes to speaking our truth and getting used to living a life of integrity? Yeah, I would say if you wanna do a no-like challenge,

take a day, take three days and see if you can do it, see if you can get creative and watch what happens if you do decide to be really honest. If that's too big for you, that's fine. Make a one degree turn every day and by one degree turn, I mean, if you're steering an airplane, somebody just told me if you're steering an airplane from New York to LA and you changed course by just one degree north you're going to end up in Seattle. I don't know if that's true I haven't done the math but you will end up in a different place. Now if you change by one degree every day for a lot of days think of changing the course of an airplane by one degree every half hour. You wouldn't see the turn at all but you'd end up in a completely different place. So every day, just notice,

the whole first half of my book is just about noticing what's going on inside you. You don't have to do anything scary at all. Just notice, wow, I lied to that person. I said I wanted to do that when I don't. Okay, interesting, I'm gonna observe that. And the next time, I'm gonna say, give me time to think. And you can still, you can still, you know,

you can leave your integrity because you're scared, but you will at least have said, give me time to think, that's a one degree term. And do it every day, you'll be in a completely different life. Oh my gosh, I love that. And I think it's so important to say no to things and to be comfortable with saying no to things because your time is everything. And if it doesn't align with your and goal

Then you could be doing a lot of stuff and making no progress at all towards your dreams. Oh, I've only done that for about 30 decades Take it from me. I'm old enough to tell you don't do that What's right for you and say no Yeah, you were right for you. And say no. Yeah, bam, if you're ready to take your business to New Heights, break through to the six or seven figure mark or learn from the world's most successful people, look no further because the Kelly Roach Show has got you covered.

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You can't beat it gain new skills and as little as 10 minutes on your phone, your computer tablet smart TV and my personal favorite way to learn is their audio mode to listen on the go. That way I can multitask while I learn get unlimited access to every class and right now as the app listener, you can get 15% off when you go to masterclass.com Sush profiting that's masterclass.com slash profiting for 15% off an annual membership masterclass.com slash profiting I love that so the last story I want you to tell us is a story about your son So I believe your second child has down syndrome and you were told to son. So I believe your second child has Down syndrome and you were told to abort him or you were recommended to abort him. Tell us about that story and how you stuck to your integrity and what happened as a result. Yeah, this was the first time I actually came back from the from selling out. Like I was selling out to my culture all over the place and And I had one child, and then my second child

was diagnosed with Down syndrome late, late, late in the pregnancy. I was only 25, so it wasn't an age thing, but I'd been through some, like I was in a fire where I got smoke inhalation. All these terrible things happened. And then they tested the baby just to see if everything was okay, and it wasn't according to them.

And there were five doctors at the Harvard Health Clinic and I had several advisors and they all said, you will get a very late term abortion or you will throw your life away and your career. And I'm pro-choice, strongly pro-choice. So that was not my reason, but my reason was I was thinking, this is not about deciding about whether I want to have a baby. It's about deciding what kind

of a baby is worth living into the world. What kind of a life is worth living. And I looked around me at all these people who lived for intellect and achievement and none of them seemed that happy. And I thought, you know, Famerson said, beauty is its own excuse for being. I thought, I think joy is its own excuse for being. Not achievement, not intellect. So I said, no, I don't want to terminate. I want to keep this baby.

And they said it was like having a malignant tumor and not letting them remove it. I just want to say that a few years later, my book about him was my first best seller. So as far as ruining my life, I like to say the kid was a total cash cow. Okay. Couching.

So don't believe what people tell you. If they're asking you to brutalize your integrity, go with your heart, go with your truth. And the results will speak for themselves. They will be their own excuse for being. That's beautiful. So the last question I ask, oh my guess is, what is your secret to profiting in life?

And this could be your chance to tell us any lesson that we didn't get to hear yet, whatever you want to leave our listeners with in terms of improving their lives. What is your secret to profiting in life? My secret is, I told you that suffering arises to get us back on track. I used to go deeply into suffering

because I was very high at chieving and I had a lot of energy. Now here's my motto and I want you to write this down, cave early. Like the moment you start to suffer, you go, whoa, wrong way, I'm not gonna do that anymore. No, thank you, ma'am, sir.

And like turning the direction, just a little bit in the direction of your truth and trust yourself. Then you'll know how to live. I love that. Thank you so much, Martha. Where can our listeners go to learn more about you and everything that you do?

Thank you, Hall. I just go to MarthaBeck.com. And it's all right there, or Amazon.com for the book. Yes, and so that's called the wave integrity. Make sure you guys go grab that. I'll put all of that in the show notes. I'll put all her links in the show notes. Thank you so much Martha. It was such a pleasure. I love this conversation. Thank you. It's wonderful to meet you. Thanks for listening to Young and Profiting Podcast. What a great interview with Martha Beck and my favorite part of this interview hands down was when we were talking about culture versus nature.

So let's go back to Martha's story. She grew up in a very Mormon household. At 17, she went off to Harvard. She stayed there for many years. She got three degrees. And the whole time, she was in those environments. Back in Utah and then in Harvard, she felt like she was lying about who she truly was. She felt like she was just going along with the culture. So to cure this, when she was 29, she decided not

to tell a lie for an entire year. We've all heard that phrase, the truth will say free, and she wanted to prove that point. And it did that year of her life changed everything. When you stop lying, the truth arises. She lost her religion, she decided to change her job and she realized she was gay. And she said it was the best of times and it was the worst of times. She experienced so much loss, her family disowned her. She lost her first husband, but she got physically healthy. She started to align with her true values. She started to follow her passions. So there was good and bad, there was

loss and gain by being one with yourself, by being truthful with yourself. So when it comes to culture versus nature, when she says culture, she means any set of rules humans create to control their own experience. And when she says nature, she means what we truly feel we're inclined to do. So what we naturally know is the truth of who we are. So culture is what tells you that you must have a normal job when jobs that are quote unquote normal are disappearing. And your nature is to explore the unknown. Culture is to support in a part-hide regime because it's what everyone has always done, even when your nature tells you racism is bad and the murder of innocent children is wrong.

So the word integrity comes from the Latin integer which simply means intact, to be intact. It's to be one thing, whole, undivided. So think about a plane. When a plane is in its integrity, all of its millions of parts are working together smoothly and cooperatively, and everyone is flying safely. But if the plane loses its integrity, it may stall, falter, or crash.

So I've been having this inner conflict about how much I should share my beliefs in regards to what is going on in Palestine. I have a platform now and it took a long time to build this and I've done nothing but good in terms of my good intentions of building this platform and the things that I speak about is always with pure good intentions. And for me, I feel very dishonest that I'm not talking about Palestine. Because to me, what's going on there is wrong. It's injustice.

I've studied it. I've studied the history and I've looked at the facts and I've looked at what the human rights organizations have said. And I've seen it with my own eyes. I've been in Palestine. I've been on the separate roads. I've seen people get mistreated. I've seen people get mistreated.

I've seen it with my own eyes. So there's too much proof in my life that I've witnessed for me to stay silent about this. And the same way I spoke up about Black Lives Matter, the same way I speak about any social justice issues. And I felt like I haven't been honest by not speaking about it and not spreading the message to everyone so that everybody can know the truth about what's going on so that we can all make a difference.

And so I will be talking about it more because Martha reminded me that we have to express our truth even if it means we lose people in the process. It's better for me to lose followers than to lose my integrity and at the end of the day, anti-racism and inclusion are some of my most primary values. And again, I need to stand up for what is right, even if our culture is not 100% ready. I need to be the culture. I need to lead the way. And nobody has to validate that.

Thank you so much for listening to Young & Profiting Podcasts. Please subscribe to this podcast so you can always be alerted every time we drop a new episode. And as always, I'm going to read a recent Apple Podcast review. This review is from Kacha. So inspiring. I love listening to Yap and I always learn something new. Thank you so much Kacha Benz.

You are so appreciated. And if you would like to be featured on Younger Profiting Podcast, be like Katya. Remember to subscribe and give us a 5 star review. And go ahead, share Younger Profiting with your friends and family on social media. We love seeing your stuff posted on Instagram, posted on LinkedIn, and I'll always share and support the love. You can find me on Instagram at Yap with Holla or LinkedIn just search for my name, it's Holla Taha. And now on one clubhouse and hosting

rooms in there almost every single day, also on Greenroom, my username is at Holla Taha. Be sure to follow me on there, big thanks to the Yap team as always, this is Holla signing off. This is Hale signing off. Are you looking for ways to be happier, healthier, more productive, and more creative? I'm Gretchen Ruben, the number one best-selling author of the Happiness Project. And every week, we share ideas and practical solutions on the Happier with Gretchen Ruben Podcast. My co-host and Happiness Guinea Pig is my sister Elizabeth Kraft. That's me, Elizabeth Kraft, a TV writer and producer in Hollywood.

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