Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura - 104-Your Mom's House with Christina Pazsitzky and Tom Segura

Episode Date: October 17, 2016

It gets really real this episode, little mommies. We open up to you about our past week - a tough one for us and the little doggie we adopted, Theo (Dr. Huxtable's son). Thankfully, he's still with us. We also get Jeansy with Angel from Angel's Fellatio Secrets - yes, that one. She gives a great interview and gives tips on getting ding dongs down, painless anal and more. Plus, certain cultures behave in very specific, sometimes gross ways. Are you one of those? Do you know people who are? Share with us. We love her!

Blueban just tried to sabotage us. Again, so typical. Are we good? Yeah. Alright, little mommies. April 11th through 14th. Come see me at the Denver Improv, Denver, Colorado. April 17th through 20th.

Crackers Comedy Club in downtown. And then, I mean, I don't know if you're into this sort of thing. Do you love your mommies? Do you live in Seattle? Do you live in Portland? May 17th is which one? Portland. Come see us, May 18th.

Come see us. Go to yourmomshousepodcast.com to buy tickets. Get your tickets now. I know it's really far out, but the tickets have been selling pretty well. So if you are in Portland or Seattle, let's make it a fun night. Comedy, great times. Oh, it's gonna be off the chain. Yeah, it's gonna be awesome.

So fun to have us all together. So here's what you can see me. April 4th through 7th. I'm gonna be at one of the greats. Go Bananas and Cincinnati. Go Bananas. Then April 11th through 13th. Vancouver, I'll be at the Comedy Mix.

The 18th through 21st. San Jose, including one night with Joseph Rogan. Heard of him. He will close those out. And then April 24th through 28th. Orlando Improv. Babe, that's a killer month you outlined up. Yeah, all over the place, man.

Killers. Come see the God. You know where you can find me. Go to TomCigarette.com for all your tickets. The God. Really, babe? What's wrong with that? You already start this show.

Yeah, hello. Well, the first night that he came up to visit me, I took him down to the barn to introduce him to some of my horses and some of the other horses that I enjoyed at the barn. And I took him in and introduced him to my miniature stallion and kind of, I don't know if it was subconscious, kind of, I was very nervous and kind of wanted to do the shock factor, as it were.

My miniature stallion was dropped and masturbating. When his penis is dropped and he slaps it on his belly, they call that masturbation for stallions. And so I just, one thing led to another and I couldn't resist, so I bit down and started sucking on him. And then he tried climbing on top of me, so the next thing I know, my pants are down and I'm bending over for him and I'm like,

excuse me, I can't resist. And I guess part of me said, okay, either he's for real and he won't mind this or he's not for real and he's gonna be totally freaked out by it and run. Obviously he didn't run. This shit is big time. Who is Randy?

Don't bring anyone loving to this. Don't burn me in the fucking sand. Welcome. Welcome to your mom's house. With Tom Segura. Tom Segura. Christina Pajitzik. Christina Pajitzik.

Welcome to your mom's house. Excuse me. Excuse me. That's what she said to her stallion. Excuse me. That's probably one of the most disturbing pieces of audio we've ever used. Thank you.

You think so? Yeah. I thought part two of that audio because I cut it off before you get to hear her sweet husband jump in. No, actually, I was very tempted at the point to have sloppy seconds. It turned me on. It was so erotic to watch this and just the whole thing. And it didn't shock me at all.

In fact, I was like, this is pretty cool. I think I found somebody here that might be on my plane here and it went from there. Here we are married. They're married. How do these two find each other? That is a match made in heaven. Actually, that's a match made in hell.

That's pretty particular. It is good that they found each other. Is that on the match.com profile? I like horse fucking. I like the beach. No, you go on a site for animal fucking. And you find like-minded people. At least that's what I do.

Are they really people? Well, I have vaginal sex with my miniature stallion. He's not a whole lot larger than most humans. He is a bit bigger but not uncomfortably so. It's a horse dick in case you didn't know. But it's a miniature horse dick. I like to suck on him orally. And he especially enjoys that.

I have anal sex with the miniature stallion. He penetrates me. And it's pleasurable but it's not real intense. It's like I said, the pleasure that I get from it is more from knowing how much he enjoys having sex with me. He tends to tell me about it. He talks a lot. He grunts and wickers and blows in my ear, etc.

And that is very erotic to me more than the physical sex. When he's courting me as it were, trying to entice me to bend down or kneel down. He does a lot of... I call it a hubba hubba. He just kind of goes, and makes this little hubba hubba noise to me. I think that's horse fur.

Get the fuck away from me, bitch. I'm gonna fuck you. Listen, there's so many things wrong with this stuff. We can't even scratch the surface in an hour. What do you think a horse cock, first of all, tastes like? This isn't a human penis that's been freshly showered. This is an animal that rolls in its own feces. Maybe is, hey, you've seen a dog's dick, right?

And have disgusting... What do those taste like? Right. A horse dick. Yeah, it's probably not the best tasting dick of all. But you know what? I bet if you asked her, she'd be like 12 pounds of chocolate. It's the sweetest taste of all.

Fresh baked cookies. And then mom's eggnog in the holidays. It's really special tasting. And then he gets penetrated by the mini horse. As a favor to the horse. He doesn't do it for himself, you silly goose. Wasn't there someone that died being penetrated by a horse? Analy, I believe, yeah.

Perforated their colon. Well, that's correct. The horse penis. Good. And the thrust of the horse. Right. Killed them, eventually led to the man's death. There was a documentary made about it.

Animal passions? No, no, no. About that particular case where the guy died. Okay, but this is pulled from animal passions. Am I correct? I don't know. I don't know if it's pulled from animal passions or not. Well, because in the year of 2008, Eric Lundy and I became obsessed with animal passions.

And the blow-up doll one, where the guys are all in love with their blow-up dolls. This is one of the documentaries that stuck with me for a long time. Bob in Nashville sent me this clip. But it's appropriate because I was in Nashville over the weekend with Joe Rogan. And he has a fantastic bit about the man getting fucked by the horse. Oh, he does? Oh, that's wonderful. So it's a really, really funny bit.

And yeah, so, and then Bob sent me the clip and we were talking about it and it's very funny. But those people are very disturbed. I don't know whether it's from animal passions or not. If you want to see the man getting fucked by the horse, it's Mr. Hands. Mr. Hands. It's the name of the video. Sure. Or you can also see it.

I think it's two guys, one horse. And I think these clips are there in addition to the man getting fucked by the horse. So wait, I believe there are two documentaries about this animal passions you can find on YouTube in cases. And then there's one called like Zoo or Zoophelia or something? Yeah, I think Zoo is the actual documentary made about the guy that died though, isn't it? I think you're right. It's really shitty. It sucks.

Yeah, and to hear these nut bags talk is though it's consensual. Oh, he was courting. They're delusional. Delusional. Here's the thing, I'm real behind all types of people's kinks and whatever you want to do to get off. Yeah. These are delusional people.

Delusional. And if you're one of these people, you can go fuck yourself. And I don't... Wait a minute, we don't want to lose our zoo file. I don't buy your argument, your freedom to do what you want. Those animals want nothing to do with you. Go fuck a person or fuck yourself or whatever, but don't act like these horses need and want you.

Go put another horse in front of them. They'll fuck that horse. You're being an asshole. It's so disgusting. Yeah, and then you're going to get your colon perforated and you're going to die anyways. I hope so. I hope this couple has died from being fucked. And then once he's in, I mean, for every stroke that he does, he makes this big grunting

noise. And then when he orgasms, he makes an even bigger grunting noise. And he tends to like to hold on with his teeth and I actually have some scars on my back from where he's bitten on to me, just hanging on. They do the same thing with mayors when they have sex and only his mayors have fur to hang on to. He tends to get a big chunk of skin with me and that can be quite painful. But usually I don't even notice until after the fact because I'm so caught up in the moment

and then I get up to the house and Ellie says, oh, I see you've been down fooling around. You've got a big bite mark on your back again. Oh, Tom, you've been having sex with our many oars again. I got to admit, I have been. How much skin is missing from my back right now? Well, you know, she thinks you're a mare, which is why she's day-winning. I love how much pleasure he gets when he whispers in my ear, I like fucking you. I said, yeah, I like when you get to fuck me, horse guy.

How does this happen? I can't. I still can't get over animal and they just these animals ejaculate inside of these people. And they it's a dump truck of jizz. Right. I mean, you've seen a horse cock. Yeah. Imagine the horse balls and the horse jizz.

Yeah. It's not a couple of eyedroppers. Negative. It's not a tablespoon. It is a fucking shovel of jizz. Just shovel into you. It's a hose. It's like, have you ever seen that a video that was going around years ago of a woman

blowing a horse? It was it was sent around. Yeah. Yeah. Years ago. Years ago. And that was one where like you see it ejaculate in her mouth and you're like that. It just goes everywhere.

Yeah. Buckets of horse come. Oh, this is amazing. Yeah. I just don't get it. I love this horse and this horse loves me makes zero. You know what though? After watching these documentaries about these nutbags, apparently surprise.

They don't feel connected to other humans, which is why they turned animals and they're under, they, they labor under the delusion that the animal is into them. Yeah. Of course. That's what I'm saying. That's why they're delusional. They're, you know, you can't tell them to stop doing it because they think it's real. They think there's real.

He loves that. Yeah. There's real attraction, physical attraction. Speaking of animals and love because we do love an animal. We just not in that way. No. What a wonderful segue, Tom. Well, you know, how's we get into it?

You heard probably a week or so ago when we had Bartnick here. He mentioned that we had a dog and we, and it was very brief and it's true. We did get a dog. We adopted a dog from a shelter a couple of weeks ago and we immediately fell in love with this dog. And he's absolutely adorable. What's his name, Tom? His name is Theo Huckstable Cigarette.

Originally we were going to go with Dr. Huckstable. Dr. Huckstable, but it became too much of a mouthful. So we call him Theo. He is Dr. Huckstable's son and he's also our son and he is fantastic. But here's what we've got to tell you guys because a real, it's been a real roller coaster and we haven't, we haven't really had a chance to tell you about it. It just happened also fast. But basically we got this dog and we adopted him from a shelter.

We were told at that moment when we, they brought him out to us after we, you know, agreed to adopt him. They're like, oh, he's got kennel cough. Right. And we were given some pills, give him these pills and good luck, you know. And oh, we can't even fix them because you can't perform that surgery when the dog's sick. They were supposed to neuter him and they go, oh, he's one year old.

And then when we show up to adopt, oh yeah, I know he's three and we can't spay, sorry, we can't neuter him because he's too sick to be neutered. So in a few weeks come back and we'll neuter him. So we go, okay, we take this dog home, he's sweet as could be and he's sick. We give him his pills the first day and we notice he's reluctant to eat food, very like not interested in food at all, which is so, of course, if you have a dog or know about animals, dogs, especially it's just the one thing that dogs, any healthy dog would want is just to eat constantly.

When Bartnick and I, we were hanging out in the yard when you were getting the equipment ready. I took a piece of bacon out of my sandwich and put it in front of Theo and he just, he wouldn't even look at it. And Bartnick was like, oh, that's a sick dog. And I was like, oh no, Joe, don't say this to me, this is a nightmare. Well he was turning his head away from food, all kinds of food, including bacon. So we, after the pills and they wouldn't eat, we took him to the vet, took him to the vet

and the vet was like, yeah, he's got a cough, it's good you came in, these coughs can really get away from these dogs because they're little, this is a little dog, so Brussels Grafane. Which they're fucking adorable. You know that movie is good as it gets? Yeah. Verdel. Jack Nicholson's dog, right? Right, well it's actually, it belongs to Keneers and then Jack Nicholson falls in love

with this dog. Yeah. So we have the similar, it's eight pound, same breed, same breed, Brussels Grafane, you got to look them up, they look like Ewoks. And we'll put, we'll give you a picture of Theo now. Theo's the cutest motherfucker on the line, but anyways, go ahead Tommy, sorry, I get so excited. No, no, no.

So we're totally in love with this dog, we take it to the vet, we get liquid medication for him to drink, you can kind of just put it in his mouth because he won't chew or eat, right? Give him his antibiotic and he won't, two times a day, he won't eat solid food so he's only licking food and here's how he has to eat the food guys, you have to put the liquid food on his face like below his nose so that he licks off of his own face because he won't eat period. We're force feeding him.

Yogurt, baby food, all this stuff we're just putting on his face. No, no, no, you don't even understand it too, I had to like make it room temperature, the yogurt and then put it on my finger, put it to his face and then eventually lick off my finger and your finger, we finger fed this dog for fucking seven days. Now you'd be amazed at what that doing that does to you emotionally because you realize that like the dog is looking at, like you're the only chance the dog has for medication and food and plus it's sweet demeanor so it's like a baby, it's like a child, a sick child. So anyways, a week goes by, we're giving him the cough medication, oh and don't forget

the wretch, the wretch, so this is, I don't know if you ever heard Google this or YouTube it, but this is the exact cough, okay ready, it went, over, I just hawked a look at it, it's very accurate actually, yeah, yeah, over and over, it was the saddest sound you've ever heard, it was terrible, yeah, so we, we went through this for a week guys and after a week, I came, I had left for the weekend, Christina was here with the dog, I came back on a Sunday, he ate some, Sunday or Monday, listen I broke down and I read on the internet if you feed a dog hamburger, they cannot resist, so I went to the Albertsons and I went to the fucking, the meat guy, I got a nice cut of meat, sorry, hamburger meat and I made

our dog hamburger meat because I, I'm desperate to get this dog to eat at this point, he hasn't shit in a week by the way, he won't shit, he's barely drinking, he's eating baby food, I put the hamburger meat in front of him and he finally fucking eats, and it's a miracle, it's a god damn miracle, we're overjoyed, Tommy and I are overjoyed parents that are eating hamburgers, you're telling me this while I'm out of town, right, you're with Joe, yeah, no, this is different, oh, oh, oh, okay, oh shit, oh my gosh, this is how long we've been dealing with this, yes, this is the week before, so I'm in Virginia Beach at the time, so I fly back on Monday and when I get back Monday, I feed him some

hamburger, remember, I feed him in the bed and he crawls over to it and we're like, oh, this is what a breakthrough, well, Monday's the last day of the antibiotic, Tuesday comes around, I'm sitting here, you left to do something, I'm sitting here with the dog and I'm looking at him coughing, I go, after a week of antibiotic, this doesn't seem right, not getting better, so I call the vet, they say, do you want to see the same vet, which I did want to see, if you do, you have to wait until Saturday, if not, you can see somebody else tomorrow and I think about it, I go, no, I want to see somebody tomorrow, they go, okay, so on Wednesday last week, we go in the afternoon and we take Theo to the vet, the vet's like, yes, breathing's

not good, we're going to run some tests, run some blood work, blah, blah, blah, why don't you guys go get a coffee, so we go get a coffee. I'm going to start crying and fucking telling this, I swear to God, my eyes are tearing. I know, we come back and they say, you know, they got them on oxygen at the vet and they go. Which is a first. Right, which is a first, we're like, well, I'm like, yeah, you know, his lungs are no good, this isn't good, so what you guys need to do is, oh, first they're like, we're going

to give you some new prescriptions, I'm like, oh, okay, by the way, we also recommend you take him to get emergency care right now, to the hospital, so I'm like, how do you go get, how are you going to give me prescriptions and then be like, oh, and go to the hospital right now. So we go from the vet to the hospital. Right, and not only that, Theo, I'm sitting in the backseat of our car with Theo on my lap, because it's close, and Theo is active, he's like climbing up the window, he wants to look outside, we roll the window down, he's just a happy little dog, it doesn't seem

like he's that sick, like I was just saying. Yeah, and I'm thinking, I don't know what you're thinking at the time, I'm thinking, I mean, I don't have like the best thoughts, but I'm like, we're just going to go get just a higher level of care right now. Right, like, oh, someone's going to look at an x-ray and be like, oh, you need this drug. Give them an inject and with this, yeah. So anyways, we go to the emergency place, we bring him in, the nurse comes out, takes the dog, and then, you know, we give him the x-rays that they had just taken at the vet,

and then they sit us in the room and the doctor comes in, and he's like, hey, you know, this dog is not looking very good, and we're like, what do you mean? He's like, well, you know, he's got really bad, his x-rays are horrible, like horrible, and I would say he's got a 50-50 chance of making it, and we're like, what? And we both break down crying uncontrollably, and the doctor really doesn't give us very much hope. No, no, no. And the best part is, sorry, is that as we're crying, as we're like, I'm sorry, like, we

just went from taking this dog in a car ride and like, oh, look at Theo, to your dog is probably going to die, and then he hands us a Junet resuscitate form. Yeah, well, he recommends, he said this dog is so small. Oh my gosh. I would recommend, I would say it would be more traumatic to try to revive him if his heart gets out. And I was like, what? Yeah.

Yeah. And so we try to look at him, and we couldn't even handle that. Anyways, we leave there, guys, and we just are a mess. The whole day, I had plans, the day's shot, gone. We just go home. No, no, no. First of all, I cry in the parking lot. Oh yeah, me too.

Because you have to run home and find a credit card that we can put the enormous fucking amount of money that it's going to take to save this dog for 48 hours. First of all, if your dog ever gets sick and goes to the ER. It's crazy. Just give up. Just tell him to put it down because it costs so much money. No, don't say that. No, you know what I mean.

It was like, okay, well, let's find, anyways, this is another story, but it was a fucking shocker. I don't know. It was like. It's an extraordinary amount of money to do this. It's ridiculous. It's thousands of dollars. And that's like the initial, they're like this, these thousands of dollars are for

48 hours. An estimate. And we're like, okay. And here we are just newly attached to this amazing dog. I'm in the parking lot crying, crying. Tommy comes, you pick me up, we get in the car, both of us break down. So anyways, we give them a payment. Oh my God.

And then we leave expecting the worst. And we, oh, there's people right there, that's Theo, he's sneezing for our listeners. So as you can see, the story has a positive outcome. Anyways, a couple of days go by. We still don't know. They're just like, yeah, he's, you know, he's hanging on. Like there's not really that much improvement. Well, cause we can afford 48 hours at this point.

What's happened is that we can cut, we can't even afford it, but we're like, we owe it to this dog to try to keep him alive. And Tommy and I, that first day we come home, we're just devastated. The next day we couldn't even visit him. We were so devastated to say they put him in an oxygen tent and you can't even touch him. It was just, it was quarantine. It was so terrible.

So after the first 48 hours or up, I went back in and I was like, ah, if this is how much this is to keep this dog, we cannot, you know, you have to help me. And so the sweet doctor negotiated with the hospital to lower the rate. So instead of $1,000, it's $800 a day. That was her discount until the next morning. So we keep, we just keep going. And after a couple more days, they see steady improvement. Thank God.

Like actually he's improving and this morning we were able to pick him up and he's no longer obviously on oxygen. He's breathing on his own. He's eating like a dog, he's, and we are through the roof about it. It's so awesome. He's the best dog. He's the best. He's sitting on my lap right now.

He's so cute. Maybe you guys can hear him. Theo, say hi. Yeah? Yeah? Yeah? Yeah? You're the new baby at your mom's house.

Love that. This is his first podcast. He's very excited. We love him guys. And actually, this would be a really cool thing if you could help us out with this. We were talking about... He farted. He farted.

He's such your son. Oh yeah. That's definitely my boy. We were thinking about doing a... Oh my God. Rotten. A live show, like a fundraiser show. Yeah.

We really cost this, and that might come together. But I will ask you this, because I don't think it sounds too much, too shitty to ask. Instead of being like, we just sent us money, how about if you've never ordered something from our store? Will you consider ordering something just to help? That would be an amazing thing. It could be a CD. It could be a T-shirt.

We have top dog T-shirts. The real mommy's only T-shirts. The Wiped Down Collection albums. Something like that is going to definitely go towards the Theo Fund, which is, like I said, extraordinary. And yeah, it would be great if you can do it. If you can help us out, we would greatly appreciate it. We definitely were not planning on getting a $8,000 dollar.

Well, this has been... We debated whether or not to even talk about this on the podcast, because it really was a gut-wrenching week. I'm getting like you in here, and I'm just talking about it. For us, it was very good. I don't know if you've ever had a dog that you've loved, and it's gotten sick, but it was a very fucked up week for us, and we had to share it with you guys just because it's the truth, and it's what happened in our lives, and I don't know, it was worth it.

I think it was worth it. Yeah, it's worth every penny, and it was worth the hard day, because worth everything. This is the best day ever was today, bringing him home today. Yeah. It was so cool. I think life-changing event, so he's here, and he's alive, and he's happy. And now, he eats like a lot, everything you put down, and you're like, oh yeah, that's how a dog behaves, so he's eating, and he's just the best companion, so we love Theo.

We wanted to tell you the story of him, and tell you what happened, and tell you just how difficult it was, because it really was, and that's that. And now you know the truth about Theo. There you go. And if you ever adopt from an LA County shelter, make sure your dog is healthy, because they kind of duped us a lot. Yeah, they kind of duped us a lot. But look, you know what else this experience has actually, this two-week experience has

shown me? I grew up with dogs in my family, but this connection is way different from me than any of those dogs. Yeah. Like, these two weeks, it's funny how an experience can give you perspective on something. The two weeks with Theo, I finally understand when people who are, you know, talk about their dogs like children, and you're like, what a fucking crackpot this person is. Yeah.

No, I get it now. I know. And I needed this experience to understand the effect that animals have on certain people, because I'd never had it have the effect on me before. No, me neither. You know, I've always enjoyed the dogs that my family has had growing up, but they were just like there. And I was like, oh yeah, I love that dog.

But to be, like, me too, we grew up with dogs in our house, but to be responsible for the life of a dog is extremely different. It's because this is the first time where I'm the adult getting the dog. Yeah. Yeah. And when you're like, oh my God, I'm the only thing keeping him from death's door, and he was on death's door. He was literally, it's not like I didn't leave out food for him.

It's like this dog was about to die. Yeah. Yeah. And so, and it's scary to even talk about him because, you know, he's not a hundred percent, but he's not on death's door. We have all our medications to give him, and, you know, we got to feed him and stuff, and he's just the cutest. He is the best.

Yeah. Yeah. He's still got fluid in his lungs, but he's okay. Yeah. He's all right now. He's good. So there it is, guys. It's a real talk as it gets, man.

Yeah. That's, you know what? You guys went through something with your mom, he's just now. We went through some real shit. Yeah. There was no way to avoid talking about it, man. No. And you know what?

When Bartnick was here, I think you and I were still traumatized by it. It was like, he was here on Tuesday. Right. So we didn't, we hadn't taken him to the hospital yet. Yeah. But you and I had been up for days with this dog. Yeah. We'd been not sleeping.

Yeah. Basically, I haven't slept in two weeks. Because of this, this would deal with you. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Little FIFO. So anyways, we are glad to report that Theo's doing real well.

All right. Yes. And he's here on my lap. How do you segue out of that? I'm not really sure. Did you talk about blowjobs? Is that what we're going to talk about? I don't know.

I mean, it's hard to imagine that if you've listened to the show the last few weeks that you have forgotten. You're going to start with the tip of your tongue on the top right side of the head of his penis. You're going to cross over the shaft to the left side of the testicles. Over to the right. Cross back over the shaft to the left side. And then you're going to suck.

Whoa. That might have sounded like a lot, right? It's a lot. I mean, maybe if that doesn't ring a bell. Put your dick between your legs. Maybe that does. Well, if you haven't guessed by now, that is Angel from the audio clips we played on the show from Angel's place.

She owes secrets and guess what your mommies talk to Angel today. How about that here? Exclusive is an exclusive at your mom's house exclusive with Angel and check it out. Hello. Hi. Is this Angel? This is she. Hi, Angel.

This is Christina and Tom from your mom's house podcast. How are you? Oh, fine. Fine. How are you? Good. Hey, Angel. Hey, I'm Tom.

Nice to meet you. Oh, hi, Tom. How are you? Good. I'm a big fan. Big, big fan. Yeah. Oh, good.

Yeah. We are just so taken aback and thrilled by your videos. We've been discussing them on our podcast for at least a couple of weeks now. And I mean, how did you start all this? How did Angel's blowjob secrets begin? Well, this is kind of my story. I started nine years ago. This may, this may be nine years.

And it all came about with, at the time I was married. And I, you know, my husband was telling me, man, you give like the best head. He's ever had something like, oh, you know, but I have been practicing for a while with him because I never did it prior to him. Hold on a second. Hold on. Before your ex-husband, you'd never done it before? No.

So it's like a gift. You know what? It was not a gift. It actually was. I learned to communicate because I was so wanting to do it so well that I just kept asking him questions because, you know, everyone wants to be better than the last person. And unfortunately, a lot of men aren't the best communicators. They really don't want you to just go down and do something, but every man is different.

So I needed to know what it takes for me to please him that no one else did. So he actually started telling me, and then I would make like little names for like, okay, I did this and I make a name for it. And then so on and so forth. And I realized when I do this first, do the second, I get a much better result because it's really not about just throwing him all the way in your mouth all the time. It's just really targeting the most sensitive areas and manipulating those and then adding all the bells and whistles with it, like it's alive or with the sounds.

So it seems like you're doing a whole lot more than what you're actually doing. Now, can we go ahead? Go ahead. Go ahead. Go ahead. Okay. So basically, I end up telling my friends what I was doing and they were like, oh man, can you show me?

So I actually had some friends come. I had some dildos. I said, okay. We lost her there for a second. Yeah, technical difficulties. Blue band. Such an asshole. Fucked up.

Yeah. We got her back. There was a little chat between you and me before we, as we were calling her. Oh, was that right? Oh, what did we say? What's the one where she licks the balls on the ball? The figure eight thing. I forget what the ball is.

Did the ex-husband come up with that? Hello? Oh my God. I think we fixed it. I'm so sorry. So, so sorry. Okay. So where we left off was that essentially the key to your success with regards to oral

sex is that you are an awesome communicator and you knew to do that. Yes. And I was able to teach other women how to do it as well. So when you said, oh, okay. So you started your ex told you you were amazing at this. Your friends got into this and then you started to have your friends over and show them how? Yes. I thought, actually, I put a class together.

The ladies came and they went home and they were like, oh my God, it really worked. And they told their friends and their friends told their friends. And that's how it happened over the nine years. Nine years you've been at this now. Yes. Nine years over 40,000 women in classes, but even more because of course the DVD has reached millions. I'm a Muslim author.

I opened up a comedy shows, erotic shows. So I'm kind of all over the place. Look at you. This is amazing. Now we have some specific questions. Now, we watched the video. We were of course, like immediately hooked on it. And Christina here tried.

Well, I tried mouth watering. Good angel. And apparently my husband, he started laughing. So I don't know what I'm doing wrong here. But what made you laugh? Well, here's what made me laugh. Angel is that, you know, when you, when you taught, when you teach in the video, hey, to get that sound effect, you do it without anything in your mouth.

You go, just go like, you kind of go like that. Right. Well, she just went, she went for it. She just goes, ah, and started like this. And I just started laughing. I couldn't stop laughing. She's all gross. But you know what?

She's unforgettable. And that's the thing. That's true. Wow. True. And that's the whole thing. Even though, you know, because angels good, she knows what she's doing. Amazing.

I love her laugh. I love her laugh too. But like that is, um, and she made a good point with that. You're unforgettable at that point, right? No shit. Absolutely. Some girl goes on your cock. You're going to remember that.

Yeah. Absolutely. I mean, this is all you need to do is do this. Yeah. There you go. It's still supposed to be fun. You're supposed to laugh. I mean, when you guys are 70 years old, you're going to look back and laugh.

That's true. And that is one of the, and that's one of the things with the communication. Every man is different. It's going to work for some. It's not going to work for everyone. Some people need to learn the justice sound to make it more appealing for him. But I always say, just take risk. Never do what the last chick did.

Always be rememberable. Have fun. You never know what to work until you try it. That's very true. That's actually very good advice. Now, Christina, Christina was wondering about, you know, that like the figure eight. Yeah. Yeah.

How the heck did you come up with that one? Was that your ex husband's guidance? That one, that one seems super far. Yeah. Actually, that night I was just on something a little freak here. So he never had, he never had a problem with me doing like, you know, pleasure, you know, pleasure. So I was doing that.

And then all of a sudden, he just kind of like was moving around and his legs was brand open. And then I just got really bold. And I was like, put your penis between your legs. He put it between his legs. And then all of a sudden I just started like doing all of it. I did like the anus on the DVD. I don't do the double eight.

The double eight is when you add the anus. Oh. Right. So the figure eight is just the head, the shaft, the tentacles, but the double eight is when you also go around and add the anus. You gotta do that. That's amazing. The double eight.

The double eight. The double eight. That is amazing. Yeah. And it's just to get his penis erect. So most men have never got a hand from the back. Right. Right.

No. No, cause I, we. Put me on that list. Well. Cause I haven't either. Well, cause Angel, when you say put your dick between your legs. No, you don't say, you say put your dick between your legs. Sorry.

I couldn't, I like, I, and then the way you described it, I couldn't even wrap my brain around it. It took me like three or four times of listening to it to understand even what was happening, Angel. You're an innovator. That's right. You are the Steve Jobs of giving head for sure. I have to tweet that.

Oh my goodness. You got it. So can I ask you this because of your skills? Do you, do you get a lot of requests from dudes like, Hey, Angel, you have to. Yeah. Like, do they just assume that you're willing to dole these out all the time now? Yes. You know what?

Every single day I get a request somewhere either Facebook, Twitter or in person or email or something, especially since the DVD hit the, you know, the world. Yeah. But I tell people all the time, I give super head, but I'm not super head. I'm not going to give everyone some all pleasure. I am in and out. So super head for those of you who don't know. Oh right.

Good point. Yeah. Just because it is kind of like a hip hop. Actually, you should be explaining this of all people. As a strong black woman like yourself. Super head was a music video. Ho. Who?

Okay. Ho. Yeah. Artist who got a reputation. About by like that she gave the best head and she was kind of like passed around by a lot of rappers and celebrities and, you know, that was our son breathing. Um, but she became very well known and as the scandalous, um, you know, dick sucker and she ended up writing a book.

Yeah. Video vexing. Yeah. And talking about like all her, um, sexual exploits. I think she, wasn't she with Ray J? Every. She blew everybody. And then they of course ended up actually talking about her afterwards.

They were just like, it was just a ho. But anyways, what she's saying with that is that, um, you know, yeah, I know how to do it, but I'm not that chick. I'm not the girl. And she's not. And she's not. Yeah. Angel, Angel, believe it or not.

You know, I think she gives a great service to women and men and everybody. So absolutely. She's, she's a way above that. Yeah. Okay. I am divorced and I am in a relationship now. I only do one person who I'm with because to me is very personal. Um, I don't like, um, even though I teach women how to put a condom or things out,

because I do promote sex, sex, I'm not having sex with him because we're, you know, monogamous. So I can't do that with everyone, you know, and the fact of my skills, I would have stalkers and people standing outside of my house and lying. Yeah. For sure. You get hit up by celebrities a lot. I bet celebrities have tried to, you know, what a few have a few have no names mentioned. Um, but you know, a couple of athletes, maybe.

I know, but you know what? It's funny because it's not as many as people would think because they haven't really, I haven't put myself in a circle surrounding them yet, but I'm pretty sure within this year is, yeah, it's going to be crazy with them as well. But it has been a few. Yeah. Well, my birthday is in a few weeks. I don't know how you feel about it.

Do you like white guys? You ever been with a white guy? Angel. I'm pretty sure she's going to do a great job because I'm going to have to talk to her. I'm going to have to get my, because you have my phone number, any problems you could personally call me. Oh, I love that. I mean, I have a secret phone and I will walk you or talk you through it.

I love it. I love it. Well, Angel, I love that. You hear that? She's going to walk us through it like in the moment. You know what that means? You have to do the figure eight. I will try the figure eight.

What about the double eight? Yeah. I can't wait until Oprah has her on Super Soul Sunday. And she's like, so tell me about the double eight. How did you discover this? How do you do the double eight exactly? I need to do this instead to keep our relationship. Then you're going to take the tip of your tongue on the left side of the head of his penis,

cross over the shaft to the right testicle, over to the left, and back over the shaft till you come to back to the right side of head of his penis and then suck. Now, the reason why you're doing that is because a man's penis has memory. You get it. It's a muscle. Yeah. You get it. Wow.

You promote the time-saving element. You say you can do this in five minutes, right? You should have an orgasm. You should have an orgasm within five minutes or less and your mouth will never get tired. Guarantee. What about next year, maybe developing the three-minute one? Maybe the next year. You know what?

Actually, I have some women who say they can't even get paired like the full technique, and it really depends on your mate. Yeah. But I have 50 different techniques. I have 50. That's just 10 on there. Jesus. Oh, my gosh.

Okay. I want to direct our listeners. A lot of our listeners have girlfriends, wives, couples listen to the show. Where should people go to get anything and everything angel? Angels with an S, erotic solutions with an S.com. So angels, erotic solutions.com. Okay. And they can get my DVD.

They can become a member to get a free tip every month. I also have my author so they can get my book. The beginning of the book is about me and talks about my life, how I got started and me as a child and all of this stuff. And then it goes into 100 questions that both men and women have asked about everything sexual. Oral, anal. On the DVD, I teach painless anal.

I teach fantasies and I also teach how to squirt in my book. What? Wow. Yes. Painless anal. I mean, I didn't even know there was such a thing. So I'll be getting that. Yes.

Anything. Yes. It's in the hotspots on a man's body. Different things you can do to your man or even a woman because you can reverse it. That will make them lose their mind. Like how you can actually screw the back of their knees and make them have like a great orgasm. It's a certain toe that you could suck that like makes the orgasm even better.

It's just so much sexually that people can do this, not just having sex. What's a good way to get like, I cannot get this woman that's sitting in front of me, angel, to play with my ass at all. Like I'll clean it. What's a good way to get her? Do I just get her drunk and hit her over the head or what? Tom, in all fairness, angel, my husband's a bear. He's very hairy.

It's very daunting down there. Yeah. And that's what I was going to say. That's what I was going to ask. I was going to ask, are you a hairy? Because that is a turn off for some women. Yeah. What you need to do is you need to shave.

Okay. You need to just take some clippers. Okay. You can actually make it a sexual thing where you're labbed it up and she, if you trust her enough, she can go down there, shave it. You got glad, but once it's nice and smooth. Yeah. She probably would just dig in.

Okay. That is doubtful. All right. Wow. Yeah. She does have a pretty big appetite. So yeah, maybe she will. I do.

But now angel, I love what you do to help women understand men's bodies. Will there be one to help the men understand the female orgasm? Very good question. Thank you. And female. Well, um, well, I will have a DVD per se like that. I do have a lot of myths like, you know, help us out. Like I said, in the book, I do give a lot of tips for men.

Okay. How to, you know, how to make your mate scored the painless anal. Those are things that men can actually do on her. The hotspots, they can actually do on her. The fantasies they actually can do on her. Um, as far as the classes, I always tell women to have that conversation. When you have that conversation with your mate about how to make him, you know, how to please him, he's going to then in turn ask you because now he's a little intimidated.

Like you're giving this blow job. Okay. Am I doing you right? And you know, so then it gets to the point where he asks you questions and you tell him exactly what it is that you like. Most women are clitoral women. They like the clitoral stimulator. A lot of men, they see so much in the vulva.

They want to look at Libya. They want to put the tongue of your vagina. Most women want the hood pulled back and click the click and just get it over with. But, you know, a lot of men don't understand that a lot of women don't tell them what they do is just move there, you know, they roll over in circles and try to get them right on that point instead of just telling them what you want. Um, so I tell, and that's what the thing is. The communication is the best thing.

But, um, I'm thinking about trying to do some type of book or DVD. Maybe why I'm just discussing because men are the biggest readers. Um, unfortunately they, they like demo vision. They want to see right what it is you're doing. Um, I'm trying to figure out a way that I can communicate with some men. Other men are listening. The best thing to do is ask her. Whatever you did with Sally is not going to work with her because every woman is different.

Every man is different. You can't do the same thing you've been doing year after year after year. You're not going to get the same result. And men, we have a lot of times too much of an ego to ask, you know, we don't want to ask. Exactly, exactly. And this is someone you want to be with forever. And so you want to please them because sex can get born when it becomes routine. Right.

And then that's when the infidelity comes in. That other person can be doing the same thing. She's doing what he's doing, but because it's fresh and new, you know, you're excited. So you need to bring those things back. You add wigs, role play, you know, it's learn how to chair down strip for your man. Talk dirty, blindfold each other. You know, it's nothing better than having sex blindfolded when you both are blindfolded. So because what's happening is that you take away your site.

So now you have to use taste and touch in your hearing and your, you know, and it just makes it more intimate. So I'm going to have to eat my husband's ass is what you're saying to keep it alive. You have to. You have to. Thank you, Angel. I've been asking for years. Thank you. Well, I think this is such a wonderful service you're doing for women and for everybody.

And we love your boldness. I, we absolutely love your attitude and everything that you're doing. So thank you so much. Not to mention it's unbelievably hilarious. So you made us laugh very hard. Yes. There you go. Can you believe it?

Can you believe how awesome she was? She was so cool. So cool. Angels erotic solutions.com. Check her out. And we will, we'll post her site and and her Twitter. Twitter and stuff. I think her Twitter was like angels.

Plurals. Yeah. Angels solutions one. But I went to it and then it said something UK. I'll find her. Yeah. And also I know that she does live. She tours and stuff.

Yeah. I bet a live seminar would be fun for a lady and her friends to go to. She's amazing. Send your girl, what a great, send your girl and her friends to Angel seminar. That would probably be a blast. And then you get a great big blow job when you get home. I know. I just want to hang out with her.

Yeah. Well, speaking of things for your girl, are you guys happy? This spring is finally here. Isn't it great? Better weather, sunshine puts you in a good mood. It's like when you get an unexpected gift, all of a sudden you feel great. Nothing better than being surprised. Make someone you love feel great.

So, we have 10 giant dipped strawberries from Sherry's berries for only $19.99. That's a 40% savings. Go to berries.com. That is B-E-R-R-I-E-S. Click on the microphone and type in mom's house. M-O-M-S-H-O-U-S-E. For our listeners, we can double the berries for just $10 more. They are absolutely delicious.

They're awesome. Juicy. Out of this world. Oh, you guys, you're not going to be disappointed. They're dipped in white milk and dark chocolate covered with this decorative swizzle. We have bought them for friends. We bought them for neighbors. Lovers.

We bought them for lovers and family. It's always a hit. So, it looks great and it's the perfect thing to get somebody, whether you just want to, say, I love you, or a birthday anniversary. You haven't, what was the last time we talked to your mother? Maybe for Easter. Yeah, Easter present. If you're not, you don't live near your family, why not send Sherry's berries?

It's great. Sub-Sherry. That's right. So, here is the only way to get the special $19.99 Sherry's berries offer. Visit berries.com, B-E-R-R-I-E-S. Click on the microphone at the top of the right-hand corner. Type in mom's house. That is M-O-M-S-H-O-U-S-C.

Do not wait. Order now. Thank you, Sherry's berries. What? And by the way, that's also a great thing. It supports the show and that in turn supports our sweet little Theo. So, if that appeals to you, by all means, that counts, please order Sherry's berries. Please.

Twitter account is atangels, a-n-g-e-l-s, secrets, plural, and then the number two. So, atangels, secrets, two. Really? Yeah. Can I see that? Yeah, take a peek. I think this is the one I saw her at, yeah. That's interesting.

That's her, right? It is her, but this is not... Are you sure? This isn't the web... This isn't the Twitter handle she gave out. Oh, crap. It's so weird. You know what we should do?

We should just text her. Why don't we text her? She says it. Doesn't she say it on the recording? Yeah, but still. All right, all right. Why don't we just text her? Like, hey, what is your Twitter handle?

I'm pretty sure that's her. I know. God damn it. So anyways, don't worry about it right now. We'll get it out by tomorrow. We'll get the correct one out there. We won't, we won't. But when we get it out there, by all means, please tell Angel that you love her, and

that you're gagging on dicks all day. So, the other day, we went to Snushy. Happy hour. They got some happy hour deals. You get like a dollar for fucking a roll or whatever. We were, and we were actually hoping to get told to stop ordering. That was the... We ordered a lot.

Yeah, we're like, let's see if they cut us off. Right. And what was going on at the table next to us? You remember? Yes, Tom. There was a Japanese man in his date, and he was eating and really enjoying it, I think, which is why he was making a lot of sounds. Cham chugging?

Cham chugging. And Hungarian, the word is cham chug, which is this. But it was a little more than that. Guys, it was so pronounced and exaggerated. It was the most ridiculous amount of cham chugging you. And Ann... Yeah. So, I was over at Keith Hout, didn't they?

And... Howdy, Hungarian. You know, he got TV Don't Work. We went out back. I mean, he was just going at it, and then the woman wasn't moving, wasn't recognizing, acknowledging it at all, which means that's every meal for her that she gets to witness that. Right, but the thing is...

You pointed out to me that's a very common thing among Japanese. Listen, this fart is so distracting. This dog just farted, and the smell is... Is this because we fed him chicken breast? Of course. Yeah, he's... It smells like diarrhea. I think he just diarrheaed in his sleep.

I mean... Can you smell it? Can you smell it? Yeah, I smell it. Holy fuck. It's pretty strong. Boyfriend, I said that, that is an Asian thing, that Japanese men, it's traditional, or whatever, to slurp.

They're slurped are noodles, and it's a show appreciation for the food, there you go. But he said Asians, but particularly Japanese? This is a Japanese thing, yes. This... But you said he said Asian men. Slurping. Chinese are different. He was Chinese, and so he said that the Chinese are kind of grosser.

Sorry if I'm offending every Chinese person, but this is from my Chinese ex. We're quoting what he said. Yeah, the Chinese guy. And he said that the Chinese are like the New Yorkers of Asia. I think that's very interesting that that's his way of describing it. Well, because... I get it. They're a little...

Not rude, I want to say. Crass. Crasser, harder. They squat on streets. You'll see them hawk loogies. That's the thing I was going to tell you, I've witnessed from Chinese many times. Right. Is spitting on the sidewalk, like on the hard...

That's a Chinese thing. As you're walking towards them. Yeah. Yeah. Spit and you're like, whoa. Yeah. And nobody blinks. Nobody's like, excuse me.

Nobody gives a shit. Yeah, it's totally normal, right? Well, and in Korea too, I was in Korea and South Korea a few years ago. I do think I heard the men doing that stuff too. Like slurping and actually they chew with their mouth open. Yeah. Like the chomchoging thing too. Yeah.

But the women are not allowed to. The women aren't even allowed to drink alcohol in Korea in public. So I don't know what's up with that. But it was mortifying because they also had a bad DVD playing of... Oh, Pink. They were playing Pink. Remember? That's right.

They were playing... It's so funny the way certain cultures love certain musicians. Like Germany famously held Hasselhoff to this like up on a pedestal, right? Where like that's where you can tour and make millions. Yeah. They love them. And there's certain... Not that Pink isn't a successful act obviously all over.

She's super talented. But you can tell that they hold her to a different light. Like they were like, how dope is Pink? And they played it on a loop. On a loop, the DVD and they're like, this ended? Hey man, press play again. Press play? Yeah.

Because that shit was amazing. Here's the thing I want to ask our listeners though. Because I'm always fascinated by different cultures and behaviors. So I have some insight into Latin cultures and Spanish and the way certain people behave. Like what is typically Latin from the way that Latin people are always late to everything. And things start late. So you would never have like a party in wherever Peru or Chile or Mexico that's like, oh, come at seven.

That would just... And then they... And everyone would be there at 9.30. 9.30? Oh, people would be at least an hour and a half late. That's so rude. But that's the thing is it's not considered rude. So you're like, my party starts at four.

That's what you say. And then everyone comes at eight. That's exactly how you do it. People are just way more... They hate when you're not expressive. Oh, your mom does that. Charo, they have a grapefruit tree in their backyard. And I always get the grapefruits and eat them.

And she's like, how can you eat this? And I go, but I like this. But do you love it? Yeah. Okay. I love it. But do you love it, love it? Or do you just love it?

You have to love it. You have to really love it. Yes. She won't let you just love it once. And nothing is more insulting to her than if you say something's good. It's good. It's okay. Or it's okay.

If you say good. Yeah. Yeah. And then like on the grosser side, I can't really think of a Latin one. I remember the thing that stood out. If you have any listeners in Spain, will you please tell me whether or not this is some shit? Because I noticed this for six months.

Everybody and anybody picked their nose in public. No. The Spaniards. Everywhere. Subways. But look. And it wasn't like a thing where I noticed like, oh man, I saw two people pick their nose today.

It was like for six months, every day, I noticed everybody picking their nose. Wow. And of course we would talk about it as the Americans, they were like, dude, what is up with nose picking? And so if you are Spanish, if you have family there, please let me know if this is a common thing. And also share with us any of your cool, you know, stories of your culture. You know what?

I love this shit. You know what Hungarians do? Shani and I went to Hungary senior year of high school. Hungarians love to stare. Oh really? They just fucking stare. Did you hear that? That's our dog.

Is he dying right now? No, he's not dying. God damn it. He's not dying. I know, but I'm so worried that he's going to go sick again. He's not. They stare at you and there was a man one time in McDonald's. Shani and I were in there and he ate an entire Big Mac in three bites and he made eye contact

with Shani the whole time. I was like, oh, it's so fucking weird. They love to stare. Europeans, they don't give a fuck. Yeah, that's very, very weird. Yeah, very weird. You hear that? Yeah, of course I hear it.

That's your son. I know. All right. You're freaking me out. The Hungarians smell bad too. Really? I'll take full credit for that. Okay.

You hear that? No, I don't hear it. Well, it's killing me. Well, then do something. I don't know if you can give him mouth to mouth or something. Okay, he's still breathing. He's looking at me. Yeah, he's fine.

I know, but that sounds appalling. He's getting over being very sick. I know. Well, look, if you have anything interesting like that, I would love to hear it personally, just me. Just make it out to me. You know what I heard too? Shani told me in New York, the Puerto Ricans leave their chicken bones everywhere.

Chicken bones on the street. Is that, I wonder, because when we went to Puerto Rico, we didn't see chicken bones everywhere. That's totally different Puerto Ricans, babe. What? Those are the more civilized ones. They live in Puerto Rico. The ones that come to New York are absolutely out of their minds, and it's not at all the same thing.

You know, when you're Puerto Rican, you're just Puerto Rican. It's different. See? Oh, I got you. Now you get it? I got it. Look, and here's the big, exciting news. This weekend, it is official, Charo and Tom are coming, and they're going to do the show.

You guys have emailed us so many questions that I've been kind of separating some and going through them because there's no way I can ask them all these, but I really do appreciate every email. Any email you want to send us, by the way, you can always send us to your mom's podcast at gmail.com. That is your mom's podcast at gmail.com. Please send us anything you want to say, and we will do our best to get back to you. I cannot believe they're coming here.

They're coming to the show, and it's going to be, I'm so excited. I'm personally just very, very excited about it. So we are going to wrap this up. We got to get going. We have a big day tomorrow. We got to take care of our son. Please visit your mom's housepodcast.com, that is your mom's housepodcast.com. Check out everything that we have up there.

Keep up to date on where we're going to be live, and of course, visit our store. Please get something if you can. Our son is making loud breathing noises. I don't like this. Okay. You're making me so insane right now by repeating this over. Why? Because you keep saying, like, do you hear this?

Because he looks like he's convulsing. I don't know what to do. Then pick him up. What should I fucking do? Pick him up. I can't help him with his lungs, babe. There's fluid in his lungs. Because I know that's what I'm saying.

You can't do anything about it. I'm worried if we should take it back to the hospital as long as I can. Okay. All right. Okay. Okay. Let's do it. Okay.

Let's do it. Let's do it. Let's do it. Let's do it.