Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura - 108-Your Mom's House with Christina Pazsitzky and Tom Segura

Episode Date: October 17, 2016

ATTENTION all Jeans, we hope you can hear this! Sorry for the trouble with 107 - it wasn't me! (It wasn't Blueban either). Can a loving mommy have more than one pair of jeans? Jada-Pinkett Smith sure makes it sound like Big Willie Style has been doing his best to drop his D in as many extras as possible. We discuss whether or not we could tolerate Tina with all her Ricans and Tommy smashin road box. Tina updates you on her Russian teeth fillings and we bring back Fill Her Up/Seal Her Shut with some modern day broads up against some throw-back ho's. Theo gets back on the mic and Would You Rather is at its best - real homerun scenarios. Jeans Out!

Well, hopefully, I'll start off by saying this, hopefully you can hear this. Hopefully you can listen to this episode. My God. I know. What a week, right? We put so much time and care and attention and love into this goddamn show, and we know you appreciate it. Let us know that you do, but what could be more frustrating than what happened with this?

And I want to point out, before people think it's Blue Band's fault, that Blue Band's in the clear. Right. It's not even, it's not even on us. No, it's not even on us, man. You don't even know. Here's the full scoop, just so you do get an idea of what the haps is. Man.

Man. The episode went up. And if you had no problem at all ever listening to it, we thank you and congratulate you. But right away from the get go, we're doing these two a week now. I started to get tweets, emails, Facebook comments saying, you know, we can't hear it. We can't hear it or it cuts out. I thought it was on our end. I immediately took it down, looked over everything, reposted it, and then you beat the shit out

of Blue Band. First of all. Fucking kicked him in the dick. Didn't feed him that day. No paycheck that week and then put it up again. I got a few more. Now I have it and a bunch more. I still can't hear it.

So then I start reaching out to, you know, the people at Libs and the people at Stitcher and anyways, after a couple of days, I got a message that it was an error in a file on their end and they were taking care of it. I thought we were done. I told everybody we're done. More messages. We still can't hear it. We don't know what's going on.

So I don't know, man. I've tried really hard to get you. That's such a fun episode with Sickler and your cousin Julie. It's the best, dude. Everyone that listened to it had great reviews about it. Anyway, I hope we have no problem with this one and I hope somehow some way you get to listen to episode 107. You know what?

A lot of laughs. You know what? I will say I downloaded on iTunes on my, my phone, you know, that podcast app or whatever. I downloaded fine online today. So if you're on iTunes, try to listen to it on iTunes. I know that Stitcher was having problems. Yeah. Stitcher had major problems and they, even after I was told that the file was fixed, Stitcher

told me they still get an error message internally from our file. So Libs and actually it was very helpful, I have to give them credit and sent them a new link today that will hopefully allow you to hear the episode. So they did help us out though. I mean, they, um, they have been trying to resolve this for us. Any hoodles in any ways, where can the genes be seen? Guys, pull them up Denver. I'm coming to breathe your fresh air this week, April 11th through 14th, Denver improv.

Uh, then the following week, April 17th through 20th, Crack a Lackers comedy club in downtown. And then I'll be in Austin at the moon tower festival, April 24th through 27th. And then Cleveland, pull their genes. Hi, I'm coming May 9th through 12th. And then after that, I'm going to be with Teen UTS, May 17th in Portland, Oregon and May 18th in Seattle, doing your mom's house. Uh, we're not going to do the show live, but we're going to perform together, which is something people have been asking for.

Erarity. Yeah. I'm excited, man. I'm going to bring Theo by then. He'll be well enough to go. I really hope we get to bring Theo. Um, so here's what's up with me. I this weekend, April 11th through 13th, I will be at one of my faves in Vancouver,

the great city to the north at the comedy mix on Burrard street. Please come see me if you're in the greater Vancouver area next Tuesday, my birthday, April 16th. Oh, happy Smurf day, Jean. Birthdays, uh, the 16th, I will be with Christina at Flappers comedy club in Burbank doing our Theo Huxtable fundraiser slash my birthday show. I appreciate that, man. No problem.

Theo. And, uh, we have a hell of a lineup. Everything's going to the Theo fund, um, Bert Kreischer, Joey Diaz, Ari Shafir, Maryland Rice Cub, Brian, Heyner, red band. I forgot Brian red and say Brian here. Yeah. And red band to Brian's one Joey, one Bert, we're just going to go up there, I think at the top and be like, thanks for coming because this is a jam packed show.

Yeah, dude. It's going to be fun. Hey, if anything, it's a good reason to get together and, uh, hang out with these people for one night. Absolutely. Absolutely. Um, and come to Flappers. It's $20 a ticket.

It's a really nice club in Burbank, California, their food is off the chain and you're seeing a great show, but you're also supporting an awesome cause, keeping our dog alive off the streets of downy y'all. So there's that, um, April 18th through 21 San Jose, I'm coming to the improv, uh, one of those nights will be with Joe Rogan. The other nights, um, I got my man, the full charge, the concierge coming with me, then the 25th, isn't that what he does? Of course.

Yeah. The 228th Orlando, the improv look, I've heard nothing but amazing things about this Toronto club. I'm coming May 2nd through 4th. If you're in Toronto and you listen to the show and we have a bunch of Toronto listeners, please come to my Toronto shows, the underground comedy club. The link is on my site, Tomseguro.com. Please come to that.

I really want nothing but mommies at the show. Um, then I go to Austin May 8th through 11, having back in a long time. I hope the Austin fans come out. And then the 17th and 18th with my one and only jeans in Portland and Seattle. Get tickets now. It's quickly filling up in it. And the best part I saw, well, we saw the artwork for one of the posters that we're selling. It's like to commemorate this, this tour and it's so good already.

Ashitake is our, uh, designer and it's so rad. You guys are going to love it. You know, what's, um, what's crazy too is that, uh, that Ash is related is the sibling of the great Ryan match who has done so much for our show. So much for our show. What a talented family. All the, the, uh, intros and music intros you hear is that's Ryan match. Yep.

The match man. Yeah. Yep. Now, are you ready to start the show? Hell yeah. You know what I'm saying? What do you say to the rumors? There's a persistent rumors that y'all are right?

Always. I love them. The persistent ones, y'all have an open relationship. Yes. That's the most persistent one. And that's the one that many of us appeal to when we try to get our own situations. Like, look, you want Will and Jada? Well, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Is it true? First of all. No, I think that people get that idea because, uh, Will and I are very relaxed with one another. You know, and I think because, you know, from how I've answered questions of girl, you know, what, what would you do if he came home and this and that and that or, you know, being married to a big superstar like Will, how do you deal with other women? And my answer is always, I've always told Will, you can do whatever you want as long as you can look at yourself in the mirror and be okay.

Wow. Okay. Because at the end of the day, Will is his own man. I'm here as his partner, but he is his own man. He has to decide who he wants to be. And that's not for me to do for him or vice versa. I was going to say, does that go to? Absolutely.

Remember, I see Davis and Ruby D had a similar kind of conversation. Absolutely. But from what Ruby D told me. I love Ruby D. It was much more, but you know, it's much more, but I could look at myself in the mirror, but she wouldn't come from making the same types of decisions. Right. You know what I mean?

So sometimes there's not the balance in the relationship. You know what I mean? Yeah, absolutely. Absolutely. But I think that that just comes from respecting that you're in a partnership, but that you also are an individual as well. Welcome to your mom's house with Tom Segura. Christina Pajitzi.

Christina Pajitzi. Welcome to your mom's house. Every time on that intro, when it plays and it says with Tom Segura, I point at myself and I go, that's me. And then when it says Christina Pajitzi, I point at you. That's you. And you went, you just scared me. Yeah.

Cause I thought you were like, do something. Like I fucked up, you know, like I fucked up a lot. You're supposed to talk about Sherry's berries. I thought I did something wrong. Oh, that's a nice armpit scratch. Is that good, Tommy? Oh, you gotta get in there. Thank you for leaving.

First of all, your armpit hairs on my deodorant again today. That was a nice touch. You that good? It feels good. It feels great. You know what you do that's exceptionally disgusting? What? Is that you scratch with your bare hand on your armpit, like you rake your armpit with

just the hand. Yeah, and? And then that hand touches my face later. Yeah, it's cause I love you. I want to touch your face. Yeah, but don't you think it's gross to touch the itch directly with your hand? No. Do you want to buffer?

Like that's what your shirt's for, to kind of buffer the hand to the scratch. I like to get in there. I want to get in there and really scratch. You scratch your butthole too? Like that? Actually, you know how I'm about butthole scratching. I don't. Yes, you've been with me a hundred times and I'm like, my butt really itches and you

like scratching. I'm like, no. I'm scared to scratch. I'm scared to scratch the butthole because I'm scared of the brown. So you're afraid to put your finger to the raw butthole? Oh, absolutely. But I'm saying I don't scratch boxers into the butthole. See, I think that's what it's for.

I think you should. But I get, I get scared of the brown. I'd rather go to the bathroom, get some toilet paper and really, really rake my asshole. You know? Or you could just do what I've been doing and just take a shower immediately after you shit. Cut out that middleman. We don't even need toilet paper.

Mine is just relax to your back. So great. Yeah. Dude, what was up with that clip with Jada? Jada bullshit pink. So I played a probably a little too much of it, but never enough. I don't think enough. The focus of it is really, I think it, you can tell when somebody, like it's all loose.

You like how she's like, oh yeah. And then it's like, you know, when someone's real emotions come out, it's like, if you ask somebody, how do you feel about this? And they're like, you know, I don't, I don't really have a thing. And then all of a sudden they're like, but you need to decide who you want to be. It's like, oh, we tapped into you. Well, well looks in the mirror and he decides who will and will on the other hand is like, yeah, man, I love this mirror.

I'm looking good. He doesn't even give a fuck. Yeah. And this clearly to me said that this dude's dropping some D. Yes. Big Willie style. Yes. And she's dealt with it for a while.

Yes. And she gives him the, who do you want to be speaking? He's like, I want to be the guy that's fucking all this pussy right now. That's who I want to be. I want to be the men in black guy. Yeah. Dropping whale loads. Should we see if we can find it right here?

Oh, you know, you know, what would you do if he came home and this and that and that or, you know, being married to a big superstar like Will, how do you deal with other women? And my answer is always, I've always told Will, you can do whatever you want as long as you can look at yourself in the mirror and be okay. Wow. Okay. Because at the end of the day, Will is his own man. I'm here as his partner, but he is his own man.

He has to decide who he wants to be. And that's not for me to do for him. There's a lot of emotion in that statement. That's not just a casual. I mean, as a woman, how do you take it? Someone asked me that question, like, hey, your husband's been dropping D. I'd be like, fuck that shit. No, he's not.

It would be a very like, nah, we don't do that. That's how the sagoras don't roll that way. Right. But she's, you know what though, she's real uppity in general. Jada Pinkett Smith loves her. Some Jada Pinkett Smith. Some J-P-S-Y-O. This whole family is so fucking delusional and so up their own show business asses.

Yeah. I mean, their kids have to be famous too, right? They had the stupid whipping my hair song with their... Who is it? Is that the son of the daughter? I have no idea. I have no idea. I really don't know about that.

Oh, well, they pushed their kids into show business. Really? Oh, for sure. Because they're so talented. She once said in an interview, I'll never forget. She's like, well, we are so talented as a family that even our children are talented. We have to share our talent with the world. Like she was talking about how gifted they all are.

And you have to, it's a moral imperative for them to share their talent. Yeah. That's a little ridiculous to me. I mean, getting the kids into the show business that early is bad news. Are you fucking kidding me? I think it's crazy shit. That aside, I will say that... Defensive.

I will. Okay. Well, first I'll say he is box office gold. Yes. Really a tremendous actor. He is a really good actor. Absolutely. Here's your wine, by the way.

You know, you take for granted how... Thank you. Cheers. You're welcome. Cheers. You take for granted how good he was as the Fresh Prince. He was just a rapper. Yeah.

Right? Who got that gig and he knocked that shit out of the park. He was hilarious on that show. He really was. He has amazing comedic timing and naturally funny guy. He's a funny charismatic guy. Can I tell you something? I've seen like one episode of that show just because I was kind of too old for that stupid

bullshit. You know what I mean? I already aged out. But I get... I watched I think almost every episode. Of course you did. You're 12 years old emotionally. But yeah, but I get that that he's a good actor.

Super talented guy. But here's the thing. That's one thing on the sitcom. You go, yeah. And then it was like, he's going to go do movies and you have to remember that it was the first big one. I forget which one it was, but a couple of years in a row, he did July 4th premieres. Right?

Which that is... One was actually Independence Day. All right. That's a big, big weekend for movies and his movies were killing it. And it's like, wow, this guy's went from the Fresh Prince to legit movie star. Then it was like, no, he's legit, huge name above the title. Like he's massive. And what do you think DJ Jazzy Jeff's doing right now?

He's still spending records. Don't. He's a popular DJ though. Yeah. He still is. He's still DJs. Do you realize that Will Smith's career theoretically should have just been... Man, parents just don't understand.

Absolutely. They should have ended it. That's what's so incredible. Right there, yeah. They should be like, I should say parents just don't understand. And then if you're like a real hip hop, you'd be like, what's Smith? Is that a... That's a wack shit.

DJ Jazzy Jeff and the... Yeah, man. Right. I remember... Summer, summer, summer time. Oh, yeah. Yeah. That was a good song, right?

And he's like, in the summertime, when you're barbecuing hot dogs, and the ladies looking fine, in the summertime. I love when you rap. Do you like it? It's so good. Yeah. Thanks. Okay.

So now we understand, it's hard to wrap your head around how big of a star this guy is now. I mean, he really is... Isn't Jada Pinkett Smith a big star, or is she jealous of his success? I don't know about that stuff, but she's nowhere even close to as big a star as... Will Smith is a top five movie star in the world. Yes, I agree. He is right there.

It's Tom Cruise. I was going to say Tom Cruise, Will Smith. Him, Johnny Depp. Yeah, he is that. Yeah. That's his category. That's bananas. It is.

It is absolutely insane how famous... You can be like, Will Smith wants to do it, and they're like, here's $150 million to make your movie. Yeah. And he's not, I would say, that classically attractive. I don't look at him and go like, I don't fuck this shit out of Will Smith. Right. You know what I mean?

He's not a bad-looking guy, though. He's not an ugly guy, but he's not like, I don't know, I'd fuck a Carlton over a Will Smith. I'd fuck the dad before I'd fuck Will Smith. The dad? Banks? Yeah. The judge?

Judge Judy? Yeah. Really? I'd fuck him. I like big guys, though. Oh, man, now you're making me feel bad. But he would... I think, Judge, what's his name?

The dad? I forgot. I thought it was Banks, right? Mr. Banks would be really appreciative of somebody like me. Oh, so that's why you would go with him because he'd appreciate you? He really struck my ego, like, oh, you're doing a real good job. Wait, who was that? Was that Chaz Pumentary that just came?

Are you doing a real good job? I don't even know who that is. Ah, it's just a fucking guinea wop from New York. Oh, was that? Oh, sorry. That's what it sounded like. I was trying to deal with him. Hey, man, you're doing a real good job.

You're doing a real good job, man. Hey, tell Willie to stop with the rapping, all right? That's so ridiculous. Okay, so... But open marriage. So they totally do, by the way. The reason that this jumped to everybody's attention was because that rumor has been talked about for you.

Yeah. They have an open relationship. So it was interesting to hear her address it. And then the first thing I think that we both agreed on is that she's not thrilled with his behavior. Something he's doing. Willie is throwing that D around. And then it makes me think about people always talk about, you know,

oh, the couples that then do that, unless they're really both really, really into the idea, it never works out. Like, could we do open marriage? I couldn't do that shit in 100 million years, yeah. You know, I used to fucking be like, I don't know, I could never see myself doing this and that. But then I think you marry somebody and it's like 50 years in,

and you're like, all right, I trust you. We've been down this road together enough. Let's go to hedonism and sandals. So you're saying, hedonism and Jamaica. You're saying you want to try it is what you're saying. I'm saying if you and I last. Yeah. Like we have the kids, the kids go to college.

We're talking right now. We have show business. No, no, no, I'm saying in 20, 40 years. But I'm talking right now. You need to do that right now. And why not? Why can't you do it? Because we're still new.

We're still so vulnerable. We don't even have kids yet, babe. I can't have you throw in your D, your seed inside of some other suck pig. I'm your primary come dog right now. That's how this works. When you talk like that, it really warms my heart. Really, babe? Yeah.

I really love it when you comb yourself, my come dog. That's what marriage is all about. I honestly kind of feel the same way. Wait a minute. You don't want some guy blowing loads in me into your vessel, your sacred vessel? Oh, Jesus Christ. What?

It would so be fucking murder one immediately. Oh, easily. I just don't understand those couples that are like, I love watching her get reeled by some trucker. There are some people. And that really, you know what? You can't even judge it. No.

No, wait a minute. No, I mean, you can. You can. But I'm saying, I know, I don't know them well, but I remember this couple that I knew years ago, where the girl with pride would get him a girl every year. Tell me who it is. Just say their name on the.

You don't know. Say their first and last name. Tim and Carly Madison. Oh, OK. And I was like, how do you do it? She's like, well, he's a guy. I was like, what? And she's like, that's what guys need.

Can I tell you that argument, first of all, is fucking sexist bullshit? Like, oh, but he's a man and men have needs. Like, oh, really? We do have needs. But women also have needs. Do you think that women, the minute we get married, we're like, I just got to stick to one painter my whole life.

I love it. Like, we too have. What variety? Desires and needs. And I think that's just the old sexist way of, I'm not finished, justifying men from straying in the relationship. Whereas women, because we take care of children, were kind of locked in in a different way.

And that's when they started this bullshit that, oh, men biologically have to... Well, women don't want to fuck, too. We want to make babies. Our bodies want to make as many babies as possible. That's what I'm saying. We want to throw it around, too. It's bullshit.

You're saying you want to throw your post around? I'm saying that the needs are, yeah, mutual. I don't know why they just say it's only God. Only the man needs to fuck other people. I don't know if it's only. But there is something different biologically going on. You need to ejaculate. But I also need to have my delicious eggs fertilized.

I hear you. As many Puerto Ricans as can, you know. But the difference, the difference between the man... I think, I mean, there's a lot of levels of this. But one of them is that as a guy, you actually have this physical... I got it. I'm not saying...

Women have it, too. It's called ovulation. And when you ovulate, you get super horny and you have to fuck. Okay, it's not the same. It's definitely not the same. It's not the same as ejaculating? Yeah. I understand that.

Yeah, it's not the same. But women have a biological... I understand you have a biological need to do it, too. I think the man's is more aggressive and insatiable in some ways. Well, here's what I think is really going on. Is that status in society for guys is pussy. Right. Cookin' the pussy.

You can be in ugly fucking troll. But the minute you make some scratch, now all these bitches that were mean to you in high school want to bang you. And that's your currency. You're a fucking wealthy dude. Right. And that's what's really going on. Women, we can get laid our entire lives,

even if we're poor, homeless, toothless, crab-infested, whatever. Yeah. So that's your currency. Your status as a dude is pus. It's true. I agree with you. Yeah. And I think...

We'll agree on... I mean, I agree on a lot of what you're saying. Essentially, what it is men want to cook the pus and ladies want to get the pus cooked. Right? Yes. I think it's true. We can cook for a woman. We could lose...

There is, yeah. Paternity... We need people to father the child. That's the problem. That's why we can't do it. So, but what you're saying is we make it past the kids and everything. Yeah. You could be like, go cook it and then you want a little bit of the same.

I can't... But can you imagine how awkward it is? Like, how do you even meet the people that you're going to swing with or fuck? I don't know. How does that even... I don't know. Do you want to put your keys in the bowl or come over? Yeah.

Do you want to fuck my house? The whole thing at that is every time I see a show on that and I've seen quite a few, actually, I'm like, well, I don't want to fuck any of those chicks. No, they're pigs. Everybody's a pig. The men are pigs, too. Everybody's a pig. So, it's like...

It's kind of a... I don't know. I think you have to just meet people that aren't even swingers that you'd want to be like, do you guys by any chance want to fuck the two of them? Like, that kind of thing. So, what do you think you... Like, I would be so full of rage watching you pork. No, that's not going to happen, man.

Rage. Of course not. Like, I'd fucking tear that bitch's eyes out. Well, first of all, believe me that I would kill you mid-act first. But even if we agreed on it and then you felt differently in the middle of me porking my Puerto Rican gardener, is that what you're saying? Oh. In the middle of the car wash.

All these guys are railing me, when Manuel and Jose and Jesus are all gangbanging. Even though we've all set this up consensual, you'd change your mind and get mad. I would never sign off on that, ever. Ever, ever, ever. What about just one guy at the car wash? Not even if you donated a kidney to me and I needed it, like, no, never, never. I would take a fucking hammer to your face and just... I would try to disfigure you, but let you live is what I would try to do.

Sweet. You used to let me live. Yeah. Yeah, Jada doesn't sound too happy. That's what... The whole thing is, does that shit work? I don't know. That's a pretty successful couple giving it a shot.

Can you look at yourself in the mirror? You have to be your own man. That is a lot of bottled up emotions. Yeah, I don't know, man. But then Dan Savage, if you don't know who that is, he's a gay dude, he has a podcast called Savage Love. He's a great podcaster. Really good stuff.

Very interesting stuff. And he has what's called a Monogamish relationship with his partner, Terry. They've been together for like 20 years, which in gay years is like 50,000 lifetimes. And they practice this thing where they just tell each other, what's up? Hey, I'm going to go to the bar. I'm going to pick up a dude. I'm going to come home. I'm going to tell you all about it.

So that way it's like, it's consensual. It works if both people truly have that appreciate, like they can, they're comfortable with the setup for the relationship. The problem like in this famous relationship, the Jada Pinkett Wilson is that like, it sounds like from the tone that it's not two people who are seeing it the same way. That shit would work. If she was like, yeah, man, I know he wants to bust those nuts. He's got those big movie star nuts between his legs.

Yeah. I know he's got to bust them. And yeah, I'm cool with that, but that's not what you're hearing. She knows. Yeah. What it is is she knows he's busting nuts and she's so sick and tired of having the conversations. This is a woman who is just thrown in the towel, thrown in the come towel, if you will. Sure.

I'm like, I'm done. I'm fucking, I'm out. He's just going to do what he's going to do. And I got kids with this dude. But I'm definitely not going to leave him too. That's another part of it. I'm not going to leave him because then someone else, some other bitch is going to come in my house.

And be Mrs. Will Smith. And fuck all that. Cause I enjoy being Jada. I got Smith. She likes the, the cachet of doing that. Of course. Yeah. You know, and I got to say for all the, the desire to go out there and bust all those

nuts that you can, I like a comfortable, nice home life. It doesn't bore me. You know, I don't think you need to have open relationships to do, to have a good time. I'm being honest. I like cooking your puss. Thanks babe. Well, I appreciate you cooking my puss and I like you cooking it. I mean, I know you want to wreak it in there and you know, if I die, you can do whatever

you want. Death. I will disembowel you in front of the dog. I just don't know how people do with kids involved and shit. Like now that we have. Let the kids get in on it. Let the kids fuck. Kids want to fuck.

I feel like our son, now that we have the son, I feel like we have a family now. Like we can't ruin this family. Oh, you don't want to break this shit up. You mean? Yeah. Yeah. It's a lot. It's a lot at stake when you think about it logically.

You just, here's the thing. Open shit works like Dan Savage, if you're both gay men, gay men who even then you both got to want it. I know, I know personally a couple that does this really gay couple. Okay. We also watch that show where that gay couple has been together 24 years. And they do that. And they do it too.

Ellie shrinks. Ellie shrinks. I think that's the key to be a gay man. Two gay men can do this. Right. I don't know. Straight people. It's just.

We haven't heard from that. Maybe if there's a listener, a couple. Please let us know. Please let us know. I mean, because the thing is, human nature, you want the best of both worlds. I mean, wouldn't it be great that if we both fucked everybody and stayed married and had the best of everything? Knock every one of your teeth out.

I know, but it's so hard. It would be so emotionally, oh, I'd be devastated. You know, I can't stop thinking about this. So I just, I don't know. It's just, that's all I think about. One, two, three. Charlie, you want to refill? Yes.

Refill be great. No, I don't want to. Hey, Mr. Clark. We've been talking about it. We're trying to reach here. Talk to the president. Well, I've been busy. Yeah, all you should do is return my phone call, though.

Listen, thank you. We talked about this. And I explained to you that there was the possibility you might have to take some kind of loss. Yeah. Yeah. I think I want my money back. What are you going to do, strong army?

You know, I think that you got no wrong impression about me. I think in all fairness, I should explain to you exactly what it is that I do. What is it? For instance, tomorrow morning, I'll get up nice and early, take a walk down over to the bank, and walk in and see. And if you don't have my money for me, I'll crack your fucking head wide open in front of everybody in the bank. And just about the time, you know, I'm going to have to do that.

If you don't have my money for me, I'll crack your fucking head wide open in front of everybody in the bank. And just about the time that I'm coming out of jail, hopefully, you'll be coming out of your coma. And guess what? I'll split your fucking head open again. Because I'm fucking stupid. I don't give a fuck about jail.

That's my business. That's what I do. And we know what you do, don't we, Charlie? You fuck people out of money and get away with it. You're a fat Irish prick. You put my fucking money to sleep. You go get my money, or I'll put your fucking brain to sleep. Well, am I fucking sad?

This is personal. I'll be there in the morning. You can fucking try me, Fatso. You fucking try me. You got the point? Oh, it's so good. I want to play that every show now until the end of time. I don't give a fuck about jail.

Because I'm fucking stupid. He doesn't give a fuck about. Nobody does not give a fuck about jail. Everybody gives a fuck about jail. That's crazy not to give a fuck about jail. That's the whole thing about Nicky. He's fucking crazy. You know what I like?

Is that guy Sam? Isn't he just like a normal banker? No, no, no. Is he? Sam is... I forget now. Sam is De Niro. Oh, oh, sorry.

But the banker, Fatso. Yeah. Yeah, he's a regular banker. He's a regular banker? Yeah, yeah, he's a banker. But Joe Pastry doesn't like that. He just takes your money. Well, he invested money and he's losing money.

The legitimate way. I think about my money back. You can't get your money back from a bank. Yeah, he's like, I explained to you. He's like, I'm going to tell you what I do. I'm going to split your fucking head open. You try me, Fatso. You fucking try me.

You can try me. You know what I really love is that sliding door. Yeah. Because it makes it sound like it's so pedestrian. This poor jack-off lives somewhere with just the glass sliding door. This is the middle of the day. Middle of the day. It's so...

It could just happen to you. You know? It's a great scene. Yeah, you're right. And everything changes because it's daytime. Yes. The stakes are like eerily higher because this happens in broad daylight. It's like, I'm going to fucking kill you.

It's more unexpected. It's more surprising than meet me at the hotel at two in the morning. And I'll fucking break your neck. You're like, all right, that's what happens at night. But it's daylight and he's like, tell you what the fuck I do. Hopefully you'll be coming out of your coma. That's amazing. I'll fucking split your head open again.

Oh, man. That's my business. All right. We're never going to stop at every episode for the next 200 episodes. Mom and Jeans. Well, Jeans, something that I don't know if you recall, but earlier. Oh, my God. How do I not recall this happen to me?

I'm so excited. Of course. Guys, huge dental updates. So I went in for my cleaning, which I hadn't done in two years. And we found this great new dentist in the neighborhood. Very honest guy. I really like him. Now, you went, you've been twice now, right?

Once for the cleaning. Because we did an update for the cleaning. We did an update. And then this just happened. And so I had to go back because what I'm saying, because he took X-rays and he did note, I just want to say, excellent flossing. He noted that. My flossing was exemplary.

Yeah. And unfortunately, I have these old-ass Eastern Block silver fillings. What? I love that stakes are high music. So I have, you know, listen, I used to have some jank-ass Russian dentists growing up. Of course, we only went to fucking Eastern Block dentists. Yeah. And my filling was old and he could see the decay under this old-ass silver filling.

Holy shit. I know. So. So I went in. What happened? And he replaced the silver filling with a, what is it called? Not a flesh tone. A mammal colored filling.

Yeah. But good thing I went because the decay almost was like severely in it to where it would have to be a root canal. Had I waited a little longer, I might have my third root canal. Yeah. Yes. Yes. Yes.

Yes. Do you realize we would have done a whole episode on a root canal? Oh my God. I would kill myself. You know, I just had that fucking root canal two years ago. Here's the thing, guys, if there's any message I may impart on our listeners. The filling cost me $200, okay? Yeah.

But you know something? What? You know how much a goddamn root canal cost me? How much? $1,000 for, I think the procedure, $800 for the crown. So it was an $1,800 endeavor last time. So $1,800 versus $200 to go get that filling done. I mean, I can't, I can't recommend that enough.

And I will have a dental update next week. I can't wait for you to meet me. I'm really nervous now. Are you? Well, I mean, just because I haven't, you know, I've been taking care of my teeth personally, but I haven't actually been in a while. So I'm nervous as to what the results will be. Well, I will say that because we floss and we're diligent about that, that is really going

to save you. But I mean that. I've been flossing a lot, man. I mean it. I took flossing very seriously from the, since the last time that I went. I mean it. No, he can tell. Yeah.

He's going to, because they like poke at your gums and if your gums bleed, he'll be like, uh, that tooth is like a seven or an eight. You're going to have one through fours only. I guarantee it. Yeah. I guarantee it. Yeah. I have an update for you, Tom.

What's that? Well, remember how we were talking about whether or not we wanted to be a dog shit family? Yes. For those of you who didn't hear this discussion, it was like two episodes go and we were deciding whether or not we were going to let our dog Theo just shit in the yard willy nilly and just be one of those dog shit people and I gave you some shit. I gave you some shit about it. You did.

And I really thought about it and I came to the conclusion that, you know what, Tom? I don't want to be a dog shit person anymore. Okay. I grew up a dog shit person. My family were dog shit people and it wasn't pleasant. You know why? Flies, the flies come around, they eat the shit and then our landlord could have come by and see it and be like, oh, they're fucking dirty dog shit people.

So you know what I did? What's that? I went to Target and I got a scooper where you don't even have to like rake it or bend down. It's like a claw and then the claw picks up the dog shit and then you just put it in the trash. So you know what? I did it today, buddy.

I cleaned up all the dog shit. There is a cut on minus. Yeah. Babe, can I tell you something? Yeah. I really appreciate you and I'm glad you came around and you don't want to be a dog shit person. I don't want to be a dog shit person anymore.

A dog shit yard person. Can I tell you what my dad said about dogs? I can only imagine, please tell me what he said about dogs. So my dad came over because now he's obsessed with Theo, by the way. Obsessed. It's pretty funny. From the get go, he was calling for updates. Calling, texting me.

He was like, how is my grandson? How is my grandson, Theo? Just so you know, my dad doesn't give a fuck about anything ever. So for him to care about this dog is really different. It is. Yeah. He came over on Sunday with his girlfriend, which was sufficiently uncomfortable. But anyways, he was petting the dog and I goes, you know, it's not, it's a good thing

having a dog. The dogs are nice. I go, yeah, dad. Why? Why? You know, because sometimes, you know, you, you're having stupid thoughts in your head. You think stupid things and then you look at the dog and then you don't think about those stupid things anymore.

That's the best quote of all time. Yeah. It's so funny. And the thing is so fantastic about it is it's so accurate. It's totally accurate. Yeah. Just nobody has ever broken that down. Nobody.

I've never heard anybody say, you know, sometimes you look at a dog, are you having a stupid thought and you look at a dog and then you're done with your stupid thought. It's true. It's so true. And I was like, wow, that was a really, really unelequent way of saying something totally profound. But my dad's got a way of like grasping the truth. That's his gift.

Yeah. He is. He is the break it down. Yes. Like he doesn't complicate things. When you talk to him, he always is like, that sucks. And you're like, yeah, it does suck. I don't know why I didn't just say that kind of stupid, but you know, so that's it.

So I thought that was really cute. A pet store somewhere should sell their dogs based on the marketing of, you know, when you look at your dog, you'll stop having stupid thoughts. You know, a life gives you stupid thoughts. You look at a dog. No more stupid thoughts. No more stupid thoughts. No more.

That's so fucking great. It's my dad. That's great. So I'm excited. So, um, I mean, Theo's had a pretty, a lot of you guys ask about Theo. So we thought we should talk to him, maybe do some updates and, um, ask him what's going on. Let's do it.

Let's put him up on the mic. Theo. Come here, buddy. Come on. Get up on the mic. Get up here. How you doing, buddy? Yeah, I might.

You sound good. You seem very relaxed. Rest. I gotta get my rest on. Y'all let me rest. That's nice. We do. You're not.

You've been sleeping at least 23 hours a day, it seems. You, uh, we got you some bones. I gave you some really nice bones and more treats. Yeah. Y'all give me the treats. I like to, I like y'all give me, he gave me bones yesterday. He gave me bone today. There's a lot of bones.

You gotta have been giving me a lot about, well, because I, I give them to you. And then I noticed that you don't eat the bone. You immediately go and hide it. Like you, you buried a bone. You saw that? Well, yeah. Yeah. Oh, you weren't supposed to see that.

Really? Yeah, I keep, I keep, cause I, I'm scared y'all gonna take it away. Theo, we're not, we're your parents. Why would we take your, your bone? Ain't nobody white ever not texting shit for me. What are you talking about? Everybody white always takes my shit. What?

Toys, squeaky toys, blankies, dog treats, water, medicine, everybody take my shit. Are you, are you saying in your, in the family that owned you before people took things from you? Lopez? Lopez family, they, they treat me all right, but yeah, they, they took a lot of stairs. Eight other dogs. Eight dogs? Yeah.

It wasn't a lot to go around. Oh, so this is kind of how you coped with being in a, like a dog schwitz situation, like so many dogs. They put tequila in my bowl. I used to drink tequila every day. They did? I smoked, drank tequila with party every day, every night. Wow.

Yeah. Yeah. So you miss them ever? Nah. Nah. Our life's way better. Oh man, y'all live, y'all live comfortable. Yeah, thanks.

Man, I've never been, I've never been indoors as long before. We have noticed that you're really, you're really potty trained. I mean, you haven't shit in the house. You peed one time in Tom's shoe. Why did you do that by the way? Uh, I thought that was my bed, a new bed. His shoe? Is that what that was?

Yeah, that was Tom's shoe. You peed directly into that shoe. Ah, you talk about like day one, day two. Yeah. Because Tom gave me a funny look and I was just like, hey man, fuck your foot. You know, I just wanted to try to get him to know I'm in charge. But then I realized he just loved me. He does.

He was just trying, he gave me pets after that. I was like, all right. You get a lot of pets Theo. All day. Can I be honest with you? Yeah. I'll use a few more. Okay.

All right. Well, we'll get that. So you've been throwing up a little bit at night too. What's going on there? Just, you know, emotional. Oh, getting used to things still? Yeah. I got anxiety.

I don't want to talk about it right now. Oh, okay. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to. You know, you're a shelter dog and we respect that. I get choked up. Yeah? Yeah.

I don't, I don't like shelter dogs. It's a derogatory term. Oh, I'm sorry. Do you like the term? I'm a secondary home dog. Secondary home dog. Yeah. The secondary home dog.

Okay. I promise I won't. Shelter. You might as well just call me a piece of shit, you know. Right. Right. Right. But I'll tell you what, I ain't going to pee.

I ain't going to pee in no more shoes or nothing like that. No. I don't think you will. You seem to be cooling off on that. Do you know where all my bones are? Ah, no. Gosh. Okay.

I don't want to go rehide all my bones. You were diligently hiding them. You, you tried to hide one in a blanket yesterday. I don't know if you realized that was a blanket, but you can't. Oh, no, no, no. That was somebody else. That wasn't me. Oh, okay.

That was somebody else. That's funny. I looked a little. Oh, the cabin came over. He came over later. He might have done something like that. Who? My friend Kevin.

You didn't see him? No. I let him in when y'all were out. Oh, okay. So he put, he put bones wherever he wanted to put bones. Okay. No, I don't, we don't know where they all are. You know, I'm feeling pretty good.

I'd like to go on some walks. I don't know. The doctor said you're not ready to go out on walks yet though. And stuff, some fluid in your lungs. Is that a Dr. Teddy's or Dr. Beard? I'm sorry. There's one, there's one with Teddy's and another one had a beard. Which one said that?

Um, I think it was Dr. Teddy's. Well, I remember when we went to the vet and she put the thermometer in your, in your butthole. Do you remember that? You were really calm. I was very surprised. How'd you, I mean, did you know what was going on? Oh, I'm thinking about it right now.

Let me tell you one thing. If you want to check my temperature every day, I ain't got no problem with that. Oh my God, Theo. All right. All right. No problem with that. All right, Theo. Well, thank you so much for that.

Ladies and gentlemen. So excited for this. It's been a while. Have I got one for you? It is time. For fill her up and seal her shot. You guys, I gotta tell you, I was watching Tom. Have you ever seen the notebook?

I have not seen the notebook. Honestly. Well, honestly, it's kind of stupid. Is it really? I mean, okay. It's got Ryan Gosling in it. Who I really, really want. Yeah.

You let him give you the D. I would. Yeah. We could swing with him. Rachel McAdams. I don't know. She's all right. Yeah.

It's just a cheesy love story. But I got to thinking like, man, I would really, I really want to bang the shit out of Ryan Gosling. Jesus. You know what I mean? Yeah. I really let him rail me as many times as he wanted. I think we got it. He's with Ava Mendez now.

But anyways, okay. I was thinking like, gosh, this is like today's heartthrob. He's with Ava Mendez? Yeah. Really? Yeah. Remember we saw her once at that restaurant? Yeah.

What do you think of her? No. Not even, huh? Not even. Not even. Let's get faded, huh? She's just like fucking, you know, whatever, whatever. Right?

I'm not impressed. Okay. So anyway, I started to think about who are the hotties of yesteryear? You know what I mean? Like there are 12 year old girls lusting after Ryan Gosling and 36 year old married women like me. And then I thought Ryan Gosling or Johnny Depp back in my day. You know what I mean?

He in his prime. Like when I was 12 years old, I had a life-size poster of Johnny Depp in my room and I was like, I'm going to fucking marry this guy. I'm going to find him and I'm going to marry him. But now, you know, now he's okay. So, okay. Johnny Depp and his day for Ryan Gosling now. This is the important point.

Yeah. The important point is Johnny Depp and his prime. And prime Depp. I'm talking 21 Jump Street. Uh, what other shit was he on? Oh, Edward Scissorhands. He was super cute. He's all goth there.

Yeah. So you have to choose or Ryan Gosling of today. Well, yeah, that's the game. Oh, definitely. I thought I know you were going to vote first. For me, it's easy. Really? Easy peasy.

How come? I just have my mind made up. Wow. Okay. Go ahead. Definitely Ryan Gosling. Wow. Why?

Um, Johnny Depp. There's something happens to people who get super famous for too long. They're out of their fucking minds. Yeah. He's been out of his shit a long time. He's crazier than shit every year. Yeah. He looks like a fucking lunatic, walked into a flea market.

Yeah. And then went to an antique store. Yeah. And then went to a Goodwill and then put on clothes. And then got in a Tim Burton movie again. Oh, and then I've seen, oh my God. I couldn't even stomach a fraction of his inside the actor studio. Oh, wasn't that the worst?

As he was rolling. The black cigarettes. No, he was rolling his cigarettes. Oh, give me a break. He not only was like kind of smoke and they had to be like, yeah, of course you're Johnny Depp. You could smoke. He would stop or just continue the interview while sprinkling his tobacco into his paper, and get the fuck out of here with that.

Fuck you. And another thing that really fucking cheases me off, if you're American and you're an American celebrity and you make your money in America, guess what asshole, live in America, pay our taxes, and be a fucking American. And he lives in France. He does, yeah. With some gap tooth model. They just split.

Oh, wow. Okay, so some other fucking model is going to replace her. Yeah, of course. I've never liked that he was one of the guys who resented his fame. He was always like, oh, I'm not just a piece of meat, you guys. I just don't want to be. And it's like, oh, just shut up. You're lucky enough to be a piece of meat, douchebag.

Yeah, of course. That's the gift that you were given. So as I'm trying to point out, the guy makes me crazy. Me too. And because he makes me crazy. He was cute though. He was very, yeah. I mean, he was very cute.

So handsome. For sure. And I would even argue him and his primes is cuter than... Wow, I don't know. I think so. He never had the six pack. He didn't sport a six pack the way Gosling does. That body?

Ryan Gosling is built like a fucking... Fuck machine. Adonis. I mean, I'm not even saying like yoked out. Like this guy is just David. It's like a sculpture. Yeah, he's a beautiful young boy. Yeah.

Do you want that? Johnny Depp was a little more rugged. Tell me what you want to do. Babe. Tell me you want it. Can you not? All right. Relax.

How do you want that, Daniel? Oh, Ryan Gosling. Are you really doing this right now? What? It's so embarrassing. Why is it embarrassing? It's so embarrassing for you. Why?

No, I would get effed by Ryan Gosling. You just said what I was asking you. Yeah, but not a little dirty like that. Why? The way you said it, it was... You know what, Ryan and I have... We don't like that. You know what I mean?

We talk about philosophy. We drink wine and we talk. It's not even like that. Barf in your mouth. Okay. Why? It's not like that. Dude, he has a dog.

I have a dog. We talk. And then what? You ended up making out? Maybe on the first date. Yeah. And then how about a few dates? I mean, we're not there yet.

Would you give him the double eight? Would you give him the double eight? Wait. Let me think about it. Fuck. Fuck. I mean, if you pledged his eternal love to me like in the notebook, and built me a plantation home, maybe.

Maybe. I've been married to you. Uh-huh. And you haven't even proposed the double eight. Double eight. Build me a plantation home. Renovate it with your bare hands. Write me 365 love letters.

Yeah, I know what that is. All right. Well, fine. So... We both want to f-rank Gosling is what you're saying. But now we'll put it out there to the listener. Look, all you got to do is you go to facebook.com slash your mom's house podcast, like the page, and the poll will be there, and you can vote who you want to have fill you up and seal

you shut. You know what we didn't do? What? We didn't read the results for the last time before we do the girls. Oh my God. Okay. So for the last time, we had Virginia Wolf or Anne Rand. Yeah.

How'd that go? Well, there was a third category that was added to it. Who the fuck are these two? I love it. The results were Virginia Wolf 35. Surprising. Yeah. Anne Rand, 23, and who the fuck are these two?

89. Okay. Well, there you go. There you go. The tribe has spoken. Nobody knows who the fuck those two are. For the men, we had Bukowski. Charles Bukowski.

Love that guy. Oh, you mean Chuck or Stephen King. Okay. Bukowski won 37-33. Oh, we know who they are. Very low results, by the way, for people who weren't really digging our authors. Not into them. Too bad.

You know what? Allison Rosen was a smart guest. Very smart for once. I'm not hating. It sounds like you guys are. All right. Well, now give us the females. Okay.

This is one of those fun fellas. So this is known at, oh, stop it, in her prime and the hot babe of today. So in her prime. In her prime. Yeah. Let's go with Nicole Eggert. I know who you loved growing up. She was really pretty.

Oh, my God. I remember just thinking she was so pretty. Just when you, all right. Gorgeous girl. Just saying her name makes my dick do a little. Okay. Thank you. It's a little twitch.

Uh-huh. Like it's a little, guys know what I'm talking about. You know, when like you get kind of a thing. Okay. I got it. No, I know. And your dick does a little pump on its own. Like, yeah, I'm here.

All right. Okay. No, I used to watch Charles and Charge and I wanted to look like her when I grew up. She was so pretty. Oh, my God. Okay. So Nicole Eggert of yesteryear. Load of city.

Yeah. Right now. Or Blake Lively. Yeah. Who's a really cute blondie of today. She's the Nicole Eggert of today, I would say. That's, um, yeah. Okay.

What has she been in that people would know her from? She's been in. Oh, the sisterhood of the traveling pants. I know all the male listeners probably watch that over and over. Like I do. Yeah. Let's see. Yeah.

Yeah. She, um, she's been, oh, she's on gossip girl. Okay. Yeah. I guess I don't know if that ended. Yeah. A lot of dudes watch that. Yeah.

Guys were a big fan of, they saw she was in the Green Lantern. Green Lantern. The town, I don't know a bunch of stuff, but yeah. She looks a little bit like Anna Kornakova. Yeah. She, um, let's see. She got married though. She just got married to Ryan Reynolds.

Oh, he's cute. I like him too. Yeah. Um, so he was married to Scarlett Johansson. What? They were married? Yeah. You didn't know that?

No. Wow. He's really been around. Good for him. Yeah. Um, and now he's married to Blake Lively. Blake Lively. I'm pulling up some Blake Lively photos.

Blake Lively. Yeah. So what are you, what are you, where are you leaning? Can I tell you where I'm leaning? You can. I'm going to go old school and do Nicole Egert on this one. Uh, Blake Lively, although beautiful, doesn't have the je ne sais quoi of an Egert in her prime.

You know, it doesn't happen often, but this is one of those rare filler ups where we agree on both. No. I'm going to go with Nicole Egert and I am going to vote to, I want my penis to turn into a category five hurricane and absolutely cause destruction that has never been seen before on her vaginal walls. I want to make her cry from the, just the thrusts that I am

delivering the goods with. It's not Charles in charge. Tom in charge. There you go. Nicole. Do you think Charles railed her? Oh my God. Do you think they Scott Baio and Nicole Egert did it a lot?

Who did Scott Baio not fuck? That should be our next segment. We should have a segment of a show just called who did Scott Baio not fuck. He threw it around a lot. We got to have what's his name on. He was talking about dropping some D. McCowen.

He was in the movie Teen Wolf. We're going to get him in here. He loved. Yeah. He just texted me yesterday about that. We should get him in here. I bet he's got some stories. Yeah.

Very, very court in his day. He was like a heartthrob. He was the, you know. Charming guy. Corey Hame of whatever. For sure. Oh, very still, still adorable. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So there you go. Okay. So filler up, filler shut. We're doing. I can't remember now.

It's been so long. Johnny Depp. I'm tired. Yeah. Johnny Depp and Ryan Gosling. It's Johnny Depp and his prime. Right. And we both went with Ryan Gosling.

It's pretty. Yeah. And then Blake Lively or Nicole Egert. We both went with Nicole Egert. Wow. That's weird. Okay. And then also, since we were discussing it earlier, I'm going to go with the filler

up, filler shut, light skinned black people edition. We're doing this right now. Oh yeah. I'm sorry. Did you not know? No, that's enough. Oh, that's enough. You want to do another, another additional?

Yeah. I thought that's what we agreed on earlier. No. Like, you know, I can tease it. We'll do it next time then. Yeah. So next time, we'll do light skinned, light skinned, light skinned black people. And the following one will be strictly dark skinned.

Okay. Like super, super dark people. Very dark, minute ball dark. Yeah. I wonder who that could be. Okay. Very dark. And then you can tell us who you want to.

I wish you would have told me this. You know, I wouldn't. I wouldn't have. I wouldn't have changed the segment. Geez. All right. Um, what else, Jeans? Um, I have also, which we haven't done in forever, a would you rather?

What? Yeah. You have a would you rather? Mm-hmm. I love it. Every time I hear this song, I love it. Uh-oh. Here it comes.

Break it down. It's such a good remix. Yeah, it's fantastic. And this is an honor of our son, Theo Huckstable. Yeah. Okay, Tommy, would you rather? Yeah. Every time you watch television, you have to watch Nancy Grace.

That's all you get to watch. Um, this is horrible already. Okay. Horrible. And I got to say already amazing. Okay. That's really good. She's awful.

She's unbearable. It's terrible. Yeah. The Nancy Grace thing, or every time you have a conversation with another human being, it can only be an airplane conversation, meaning it's like the level of the first time you meet a stranger on an airplane. And it's the, what do you do for a living? Where are you from?

Where are you going? Bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, like cursory bullshit. So anytime you watch TV, it's Nancy Grace, or every time you have a conversation with another human being, it's an airplane conversation. I think you may have struck gold again. Thank you. This is so terrible. This is really, really horrifying.

How do you fucking do this? Thank you for asking my method. I think about the worst things in life. And right now we were at the car wash yesterday and Nancy Grace was on and I'm like, who the fucking watch this is so depressing? And then I was like, what's worse than Nancy Grace? Oh, airplane conversations. God.

What do you do? I lie to people now. I tell them I'm a paralegal. And then I have like five kids. I, you know what I've been saying a lot. I don't even know if it's, I just been saying a lot. Construction. That's a good one.

And then they go, you travel. And I go, I just got to go where the work is. You bring your lumber and the cargo space. Yeah. Like I just go wherever the gig, you know, wherever the gig. Yeah. They go, they're building stuff, you know, construction workers do not say that. No, they're building, they're building the bridge in Vancouver this week.

So that's where I'm going. And they're like, oh, I didn't know they flew people internationally for that. Yeah. It's a big job. Big, big job. Well, you'll be amazed how fast the questions stop when you're like, I work in law, paralegal. I don't get asked a lot. Yeah.

Shut down. Yeah. No more fucking questions. Really a numbers guy. And you know what's amazing though is how many times you're sitting in front of somebody having the conversation and they go, so what are you doing, the guy's like sales. He's mostly, you know, folders like binders and then the person's like, oh yeah, he's like, yeah, you know, but we're trying a new thing this year where we're just going to

really attack the customer by this new marketing technique and I'm like, you're going to give them the whole fucking and you got to listen to that. That's why you need noise canceling headphones. Terrible. You can't fucking listen to that. And here's the thing. You know what? We're not shitting on people that sell folders.

No, of course not. It's just that nobody. Nobody wants to hear about it. Nobody wants to hear anything about anybody's job, really, at the end of the day, everybody's job. So it's work, man. Talk about your life. Yeah.

Talk about anything else, man. Talk about Nancy Grace. Work isn't no, man. And the other thing is that that goddamn woman is a pariah. She's the worst human being. She is a horrible human being. I am, oh my God. You know what?

I think I may have just found my answer by my physical visceral reaction to her just hearing her name. And those mothers, it's all, and you know what's funny, she always plays the mom card too of like, how dare you? She has children, yeah, the self-righteous mom. Children's every night, mommy, mommy don't drop her clam down on the seat and you don't smell it. Then you know that mommy wouldn't hear and that's what I tell the twins.

She is, by the way, it's one of the easiest. It's the least, the least respected talent to have because it's not a talent to have a show where your thing is like, I'm just fed up with this shit and the thing you're fed up with are criminals, murderers, pedophiles, and it's like, why aren't people buying, they're buying into your false sincerity, it's such bullshit, it makes me sick. Her righteous indignation against a group of people most people don't like. I'd say the majority of humans are like, yeah, murderers are bad, Casey Anthony, probably not a good person.

And she's one note for every show, for the whole show, if you're saying to me that every time I watch TV, I have to watch her, you have to, it's a marathon, it's nonstop Nancy Grace. I think that my, actually my answer might just be whatever else is out, whatever the other option is, I'm in. Really? I mean, and I hate small talk, you know, I can't, I cannot stomach it. I think I would take airplane conversations over, now I get to watch what I want to watch

though. You watch whatever you want. Do you know that Nancy Grace is an attorney? Of course. Well, I didn't know if you knew that, but I was shocked. I didn't know she had credentials. Yeah, yeah, of course. That's why she hosted the show.

Right. She was doing the OJ trial, apparently. Yeah. And I liked her so much that they kept her on. Yeah. Anyways. She's a lawyer that. Yeah.

She's a bright lady, actually. So, you know what though? My, my, I absolutely hate small talk. I can't fucking do it. I'm going to take, I would watch Nancy Grace and then be able to have decent conversations for the rest of my life. Yeah. Because then all your conversations will be surface level for the rest of my life.

Dude, you're going to watch that show and nothing else. Do you know how quickly you lose your mind? I would be the most, I mean, I would hate everybody. Well, I already do. Actually, here's the only upside to it. I just saw the upside. Current event knowledge that I didn't have. No.

You'll just stop watching television. Yeah. You would. That's what it is. You can watch movies. You can, but you can never watch TV. I want to make that clear to you. Right.

You don't get to watch TV and you don't get to watch them after they've ended and they're on DVD. No. I put in that DVD and you're seeing Nancy Grace. So, if I want to see a movie, I have to go to the theater. Yeah. You don't get to watch anything on a television except for Nancy Grace. I don't know.

And if you want to spend time with me and I'm watching a show, your brain only sees Nancy Grace. Fair enough. Nancy Grace. What do you choose? Grace. You chose, yeah. Because I can't have stupid conversations.

I can't take it. Do you want to hear? It's my torture. It's my personal purgatory, having bad conversations. One listener one before we get out of here. I love that. Okay. Here's a would you rather.

I'm pretty sure we've never read this one. Would you rather eat everything in your bathroom trash can once every week? I like this one already. Or would you rather take a bath once a month and you must drink all the tub water? No. Fuck, man. Fuck. So, just to clarify, it's once a week you're eating your bathroom trash.

Oh my God. Which piles up. Once a week the trash. Yes. You're eating your trash once a week. Here's our trash. I know this because I take it out a lot. It's full of floss.

Right. Full of dirty floss. Dirty floss. Q-tips? Your orange Q-tips. So disgusting. Hair, hairbrush hair, snot rags. It's disgusting.

A lot of hair. It's vomit inducing to eat, obviously. Oh, it's vomit. I can't do it. I can't do it. Well, no. I'm saying you're going to vomit. I can't.

Here's the other option. You're going to vomit even more. You're only showering once a month and you have to drink the tub water. By the way, do you know how long it would take to drink tub water like that? I know. And it's got shampoo in it. Yeah. It's got like chemicals in it.

And dirt. You're going to throw up. So I'm going to puke either way. Yeah, exactly. Fuck, dude. I'm going to drink the water just because it's in a format I can accept. Yeah. Liquid.

You can't eat the little spool that toilet paper comes on that cardboard circumference. Theo can. Yeah, I know. You're not going to eat. Can I tell you what's the deterrent is the dirty floss? That's actually what's making me wretch the most is the dirty use, especially you, because you use like four feet of floss and you can't, your intestines can't process that. You're going to be fucked up.

Yeah. You eat floss and tissue. Yeah. Models eat tissue. You know what happens to them? What? Their intestines get all fucked up. I'm going to eat the trash.

Of course. You're a bear. I'm going to eat the trash. Here's why. I just think I would get so sick and full drinking that tub water, that dirty tub water. Well, here's the thing. It's just, there's so much of it. It's a bathtub full of water.

So you essentially, here's what you're going to have to do. For like a day from sunrise to sunset, you're going to be drinking dirty tub water. That was a great one. Yeah. That is disgusting. I mean, here's the thing. We're both going to throw up. We're both going to throw up.

Yeah, but at least the tub water, I can just do it all day. I can sip it. I could make it a cocktail. That was from Lorenzo. What a talent. A low animal. Oh yeah, low animal. Low animal.

On Twitter. At Low Animal. What a talent, Lorenzo. Thank you. That was really good, buddy. Nice one. Good work. Really good job.

All right. We got to get out of here. You're just full tonight. We didn't even discuss a few other things I had in my bag pocket. Well, why don't we tell them real quick what's going to happen tomorrow for our second show. Oh my God. We have a show that's supposed to come out Friday. Hopefully you'll be able to hear it and it will have, are you ready for this?

Because I don't know if anybody is ready for what I'm about to announce. Okay, so just hold on to your jeans and it's not, it's really crazy. My sister, Maria, will be here. Oh my God. Seriously? Ah. Yes. That's right.

I can't believe it. She's coming tomorrow, you guys. Maria is coming tomorrow. We'll have her here. The full, the full experience, the full Maria experience. In studio. In her home. In studio.

In her home. She's coming to watch Theo because he's too sick to travel with any of us. That's right. So she's going to stay and take care of him. But she's never been on mic. Well, the morning, the morning before noon, it is a single bag, benti, with three and, awake tea, with three inches of steam soy and some three raw sugars. And then you've added a little bit of vanilla powder.

All right. So that's just a little example, but that's who will be here. We'll get the full scoop on all of it and hopefully, hopefully we'll get her to be angry in some way because that's when she might, she'll be flying tomorrow. Yes. Very irritable. She'll be tired. That's the goal.

And her son will be crying probably on the plane. Yes. I'm thinking we're going to get an irritable Maria. That's what we want. That's what we want. Anything else? Jeans. I just love you guys.

Thank you. Thank you guys. Thanks for listening to us. LA area. Please come. Burbank. Please come Burbank. April 16th.

Flappers. I'm going to be flying up a good show. And thank you guys for all your support with Theo. We really do appreciate everything. We really do. We just appreciate you guys. Yeah. Without you, this is not possible.

And that was that. That was that. All right. Ready to go? Yeah. Let's do it, man. Let's go and get the fuck out of here. All right.

Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye.

Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye.

Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye.