Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura - 112-Your Mom's House with Christina Pazsitzky and Tom Segura

Episode Date: October 17, 2016

If you don't have teeth, why don't you sing a song? ALL black people can sing...is something a lot of white people believe. We're a couple of only a few who know this is a great mystery. After this episode you will also know the truth. We give you a FULL REPORT on how the THEO fundraiser was an overwhelming success. We are forever grateful to our friends, fans, Theo, and jeans. Memorable dumps are just that - great memories. We recap some of our fondest brown moments. REAL TALK - Gigolos is back!!! That's right, welcome BACK to Braceland! We have clips of the show and of Nick's NEW Sh***y song! Sex sounds! Fill Her Up and more!

Good for you, then that's good for you. For your farts. Oh. Meow, meow, meow. Insane in your mom brain. Meow, meow, meow. I remember hating people that liked this song in high school. But now, I really enjoy it.

All right, moms. If you're in Austin, Texas, peep me out. I'm at the Moontower Festival this week, April 24th through 27th. And following that, May 9th through 12th, Cleveland Improv in Cleveland, Ohio. Cleveland. Cleveland. And then, May 17th, Portland, Oregon, with my sweet, sweet mommy. Your mom's house commentary time.

But this is, hold on. Big announcement. Major. Guess what, you guys? You just added. A second motherfucking show. Ten-thirty shows been added to the Portland date, May 17th at the Fun House. There's now a ten-thirty show.

First show sold out, or there's like two tickets left, so we added a second show. So, if you still haven't gotten your tickets, please scoop them up. The links are up. You can find those tickets, the link for them at your mom's house podcast.com. They're additionally at ChristinaComedy.com and TomSigura.com. That's right. And then, May 18th, Seattle. Same situation with Tommy Buns and me.

We have not added a second show. No, but that's also a bigger venue. So, the Portland one has a smaller capacity, so that's why we added a second show. Okay. And then, after that, Richmond, I'm coming for you. Richmond Funny Bone, May 23rd to 26th. Boom. Yeah.

What about you, Buns? Yo, so check it, check it, yo. This week, April 18th through 21, I am at, no, I'm sorry, April 25th through 28th. I'm at Orlando Improv. Oh, actually, if you're listening to this Wednesday, when you should listen to it, the day it comes out and you're in the Greater Los Angeles area, I will be doing the Ice House in Pasadena tonight with Joe Rogan, Bert Kreischer, Tony Hinchcliffe. Okay.

Possibly a few more. I expect that it will probably sell out as it usually does, but if it doesn't, then look online so you can get tickets to that. Then I go to Orlando, April 25th through 28th. Then, Toronto, the Underground Comedy Club in Toronto, Clan Destiny, High on Trees, that whole thing. Friday and Saturday are sold out. It's sold out already.

There's only tickets available right now for Thursday. Squeeze my tits. Squeeze them and pull my dick. Thursday is the only available day right now. Please, if you're in Toronto and you want to come, I beg you to be at that show. I would love to see nothing more than fans of the show checking out these live shows. It's the best feeling. Am I right?

It's kind of the only reason to do stand-up anymore. When your mommy show up and they show you love, it's the only thing that matters. Please check that out. 8th through 11th, Austin, Texas. Haven't been back in five years. I'm at Cap City. Tickets are available. Go to TomSugarra.com.

You'll see the link there in my live shows link to the tickets. Then, Portland and Seattle. We're counting on you. Please come out to our shows, Portland and Seattle. One other thing I just added, if you haven't seen me locally in Los Angeles, May 15th, I'm doing the improv on Melrose. I'll be doing about 30 to 40 minutes, which you don't get to do a lot in LA. That's a special kind of thing.

Please come LA. Come get tickets to see me May 15th at the Melrose improv. That's really special, Gene. That's a very neat thing because you're right. That's extremely rare. You don't get to do it. As long as you're doing local, I know Ari Schaefer. It's Ari Schaefer.

I'm sorry. Ari Schaefer. I'm doing his show May 3rd also in Hollywood at the improv. What? There's something going on there. Ari Schaefer. That is how you pronounce it. Yeah, Ari Schaefer.

He's also going to be at the Moon Tower this week with me. I'll be doing his storytime. Is he really? Yeah. Are you doing that show? Yeah. I'm talking about fighting. Fighting.

Fighting. I had kombucha. It's going to make me boo and burp. Yeah, I'm talking about fighting black chicks. I'm trying to think if I ever fought. I didn't fight with anyone else except black girls. You ever fought with a black girl? I've been verbally accosted, I guess you could say.

Yeah. Sure. But I've never physically fought a black girl, no. What about a black man? Again, pretty much the same deal. When the small Mexican boy. I've beaten the shit out of like six or seven. So, that is that.

What is up? Are you ready to start the show, James? I'm so excited for this episode. It's major. It's major. It's major. It's major. Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. Oh, wait a minute. In case you didn't know, I might tell you something very important about this woman, Tammy. She's Michael Jackson's first cousin. Third. Third cousin. She's just like.

No. You were just singing a song. She's like reading. We just heard you singing a song. What song were you singing? No weapon for me. It just makes me so prosperous. Is that Fred Hammond song?

Yeah. Sing a little bit. Give us a little bit. I will do it right now. Just a little bit. You can't do me off guard, no. Now, how are you going to say it? Now, the other day you came to me saying that you was trying to do something and do something.

Well, I'm going to tell you what I'm doing. I'm doing a praise party in August and I need our support because. Now, here's the thing. How are you going to be going to support you? We don't know. And you got the Jackson blood in you. Michael would have hit it. Michael would have hit it anytime.

Janet would have hit it anytime. Hey, I didn't want to put you down. Come on now. You got that Jackson blood. Oh my God. You've been missing it. Tell us names. I wish I was a Jackson.

I sing anytime they ask it. Come on now. Give it to me. Try. I mean, my throat is not together. That's all right. I'm afraid of your enemy. You through the day.

Wait. I just heard Michael come out in. This is big time. Who is Randy? Don't bring anyone loving to this. Come on in the fucking stand. Welcome. Welcome to your mom.

Oh great. How great is that clip? Oh my God. You got to see it too. Because one thing you can't tell from the audio, maybe you can if you're really advanced with your audio listening abilities, but she's missing a lot of teeth. She just sounds super crazy.

A lot of teethies are not there. Yeah, like I would say the whole front row. How are you a cousin? How does a Jackson, not even like Michael, how does like someone else down the line not just go like, I'm gonna hook you up with some teeth though. Just someone, but at one point that girl goes, you sound like Rebe Jackson.

I'm like, I don't know. Do you know Rebe? That might be a nickname of somebody we don't know down the line. There's a lot of them. There's like Jermaine. Jermaine, who else? Randy. Randy.

Tito. Tito. Michael. Michael LaToya. Janet. We're missing a few. Rebe. Rebe.

Ray. Ray. And DeShawn. And DeShawn. The famous Jacksons. Those are the Jacksons. She put me on the spot right now. And they're like, hook it up.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. You know that style of singing that she's doing? You know Natasha Ligero has that great bit about American Idol. Yeah. And how everybody now sings that same way where it's like, it's a great bitch of hers. If you ever, if you Google it, it's so fucking funny. Cause she's right.

People don't even. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. It's like that's not even singing. I can do that. Anybody can do that. Of course. Anybody can do that. Anybody got time for that.

It's so embarrassing. But on the other hand, embarrassing when someone, they always want to put you on the spot. Like if someone's like, I'm going to sing a, I want you to sing for us. It's like, well. Nah. But I got to say.

It's embarrassing. Yeah. Of course. And I can understand. I mean, I would say if somebody told me, if I was a singer and someone's like, why are you singing? I'd be like, go, why don't you go fuck yourself?

The same way. Yeah. When someone's like, why don't you tell me a joke? That's the same thing. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck your jokes. But by the way,

do you remember nothing's worse than hearing a bad singer who thinks they're awesome? I don't know if you recall a little event known as our wedding in Alutra. Oh my. Do you remember that lady who sang? We had a choir. Well, first of all, like it was, it was a surprise. For me. Yeah.

Yes. It was very sweet. The guy told me, he's like, you know, obviously you're in the Bahamas. So everybody's black. Yeah. You can totally buy into all black people can sing. As do I. It's everyone, every white person in the world.

He's like, if you're black, you can definitely sing. So racist. Yes. So, but it's not like random black people walking down the street. Right. He goes, you know, there's a choir there and at the church and I was like, can they sing at my wedding? Like amazing black people can.

Right. Right. But it's the choir. It's not only is it black people who can sing. Like the choir. The choir from sister act. Exactly. They're all going to jump in line.

Sister act to. Right. Electric Boogaloo. Back in the habit. So, uh, he's like, yeah, we can work something out. You know, like, could you donate a little bit of money? And I was like, yeah, I mean, it won't be a lot, but they were like, yeah, they'll sing. We get there and there's three rows of black people in the choir.

So he's we're like, this is going to be fucking right. But Nana's bar is super high for us. Yeah. Right. We went through and they're doing songs that are just so off key and so bad. And then one of them does a solo and do you remember how many people were laughing, shaking, laughing? Families.

Yeah. Like everybody in the pews, this isn't a church, mind you, we got married in a Catholic church. Yeah. Yeah. And, and I didn't even remember your, your relative from Peru, Juan Luis was in tears, tears, shaking. And I looked back at him from the altar. I turned around and look at him and he was like, everybody.

And the best part is the priest at one point called me Christine. Yes. At your wedding. At my own wedding. Yes. And didn't want to do a walkthrough. Right. He was like, why do I want to do a walkthrough?

Because we don't know how to get married. I've never done this before. We need a rehearsal, man. Yeah. But so my friend, Shauna, my best friend, who was my best groomsman or whatever, what is it? Made of honor. Yeah.

A little bit like a girl from the middle of our ceremony. Oh, her name's Christina. Yeah. Huh? Huh? And then the uh, um, and during that lady's solo, it was seriously was like, oh my god. Theo's ears are twitching right now. They are literally.

It was just unbelievable, man. Unreal. This lady could have been in that choir. She had more teeth, thankfully. She had more tweets. She had, well, this girl, no, she had less teeth than all of the choir combined. The Jackson cousin. The choir had teeth.

Damn. How do you go? And I know you have a bit about this, but like no teeth, really motherfucker? And you make a startlingly good point of, well, if that's the part everybody sees and you don't give a fuck about it, what's the rest like? What are your balls like? Yeah. Of course.

Your teeth, man. Everybody sees that. I can understand even missing one and being like, like Alyssa Milano at one point in the late eighties was missing a tooth. She was? Yeah. If you watch who's the boss, she had kind of like a gap back here, like on the upper part.

And then they only have one tooth. Okay. She was so pretty that nobody really noticed. See, you didn't even notice that. No, I didn't. I noticed. I didn't notice that. I was focused on other parts of Alyssa Milano.

Right. But the whole front row, yeah, just gone. You know, yeah, that guy last week when he went to Braco's thing, he said that his tooth hurt until Braco finished. What's so, what a man, I'm Braco's really talented. Yeah. Cause Cropso, I know what he would do to that too. What would he do?

You know what I picture when Braco shows up? It's golden. Like his, his, his love, his magic love is golden flex in the sky. Right. Children are crying and it's on their face and then dogs are laughing it up and old people are like rubbing it into their skin. Speaking of dogs. Can we take a moment?

Oh my goodness. And just talk about what happened last week. Yeah. Pretty amazing. Oh, Jenks, you owe me a Coke. It was my Smurf day. Happy Smurf day. We promoted it heavily on the show, so everybody should know obviously, but if you didn't last

week on my birthday, we did a fundraiser show at Flappers in Burbank comedy club and we had asked our friends to come and do this show for free so that we could raise money towards Theo's medical bills and it was an overwhelming success. So crazy. Not just in terms of the turnout, which we can't thank you enough because you guys, if you were there, you know, it was sold out. It was packed. It was standing room.

There were people in the back standing bananas. The lineup was just insanity. I mean, it was the best show in Los Angeles for months. Okay. We just had an all star lineup and everybody wanted to be there and they were just happy to do the show for us. I mean, it was really, it was really just an incredible night. You know what it is?

First of all, like, thank you to all the comedians like Mary Lynn Rice Cub, Joey Diaz, Brian Hainer, Harry Schaefer, Brian Hainer, Bert Krischer, Krischer and then Joe Rogan. You may have heard of him. Yeah. I mean, for Joe to come and give his time, yeah, it was really special. It was very special. Really cool. Amazing.

We actually, I have to point out that, I mean, obviously you add his name to any bell. It's going to improve it. We had sold, we were in well over a hundred tickets and this is place seats like 250, I think. Yeah. We got like well over a hundred tickets sold as Joe, if he wanted to do it, if he would do it. Yeah.

He said, yes, we told the venue. They put it on, we tweeted it and then we called again. They're like, yeah, it's sold out. Totally. In like a minute. So Joe, Joe's name, you know, it's just, it's very, very kind. And of course he downplayed, you know, his contribution. I mean, what major celebrity star like that does shit for just douchebags like us?

Yeah. Like it's so special. I'm glad you hold us in such a high regard. You know, what, what high, high ranking celebrity would stoop so low to be with a couple of pieces of dog shit like you and me floating on the toilet in the toilet and not even in the toilet and your toilet and yet can I say, mommies, I was so moved by your outpouring of love and everything. I, we kind of on stage to say hello.

Yeah. I start crying. You did. You did. I bawled like a baby because just to see all these people supporting us, I was, my therapist says it's because I've, I have not felt love like that before. And it's true. And I, I, we asked for help.

My strength says it was a big deal for me to ask for help and we did cause the growing up, if I asked for help, I was met with what hostility. Yeah. You don't, you've, and you don't like asking for help. I never do. And, and you guys came and you helped and it really moved me and thank you so much. It really changed me. This whole experience honestly has changed me.

It's completely changed me too. It's changed our worlds. It's completely changed me a hundred percent and it was just, it was an incredible night and I was, I was touched and by the same stuff, seeing the people come out, they cared enough to do that, you know, to watch the show, but really to support us and support Theo, to have our friends do the show. The whole thing was just, it's an amazing experience and it really did, it's changed my outlook on a lot of things.

It was really cool. I want to, I want to make a point to tell people that, you know, you don't need to donate any more to us. We raised our money. We're good. Thank you. And we raised it and, you know, between doing that live show, people, people come up to us at live shows and go, this is for Theo.

They hand you an envelope. They've been doing that for the last few weeks. So we're covered. We can still buy shit from our store, but just don't buy it for Theo, you know, buy it if you want it. I just want to make that point that like, you don't have to. Mission accomplished. Mission accomplished.

We are so grateful that you guys are, are that kind and, and generous with us. So I just wanted to make that point. You know, do you know what Ari said to me when I got off stage after I cried? Airy? Airy? Yeah. What? We had to cry.

I was like, I'm like, it's such a, I was expecting it and I'm like, oh, I just cried in front of like all these comics. Here comes the backlash. I remember one time, I think when you got, you got a gig, you got a job, something and you were like, um, you got hired maybe to write on a show or something and you tweeted or put on Facebook, like, you know, in all seriousness, dream, dream your dreams, dream your dreams, dreamers. Yeah.

Ari wrote lame. Yeah. Such a faggot. Yeah. Yeah. Whatever. But that's Ari. You know what though?

Ari, Ari's a dreamer too. Of course he is. We all are. Everybody is. We are. We just like to, we like to make fun of the people who's just for saying it. It's okay to think it and do stuff. Yeah.

Yeah. If you say it, we make fun of you. Well, and especially as comics, cause we're so uncomfortable with feelings, all of us, which is why we do this. Yeah. But Ari in particular is, you know, kind of an asshole. So. He's gay.

He's only one of our guys. Oh, is that? Is he out though? Yeah. He's out. Ari's out. Are you sure? Yeah.

Oh, okay. Well. He's dating. He has guys show up. Who is he dating? I don't know. I don't know their names. Huh.

He has all kinds of gay friends. Really? Yeah. I didn't, comics or black guys, Puerto Ricans? He did. Cool. Okay. Well, good for him.

We're proud of you, Ari, that you're out and proud and I'll support you. Yeah. Speaking of supportive, Tommy and I went down to the local waffle house about three weeks ago and I went in there and I can tell you, you know, and sometimes you go out in the world, you don't think anything's wrong and then all of a sudden it's not just like, hey, I got to take a shit. It's like, whoa, I really got a shit right now. Yeah.

We went to the waffle house. I went in and I took, I would say arguably one of the most memorable dumps of my entire life. Come on. Yeah. Next up, brown talk, brown talk coming up. You've been warned. I mean, I know you got started, but I think it's fair to give a warning.

So I was just wondering, first of all, the dump that I took and the waffle house was a memory. Like it was one of those were the sheer volume. I'm talking a three logger at least. And for me, that's a lot. I don't know what you normally do. I actually left the restroom and I had to sit down and contemplate it, you know, like a fine wine or a previous sexual encounter with five Puerto Rican guys that you cherish

deeply inside of your memory. What kind of done? Huh? I'm just saying that there are dumps that are memorable and that stand out. There certainly are. Yeah. There certainly are. Do you have any memorable dumps like a fine woman or wine?

Um, women, I, I mean, yeah, of course I think about that, what day and night is all the different holes that I dove in and out of, you know, it's like, it's like remembering a surfing contest, all those big waves that you had to go through in the barrels and doing tricks and stuff and eating their little juice boxes up and smashing them to pieces, beating them up and tossing them out. I always remember the smell of their semen. Oh, remember when we were walking in the tree, smelled like jizz and you were like, Yeah.

Well, I didn't think it smelled like jizz. You thought it smelled like jizz. Well, there's a tree in LA that flowers. It's flowers. I saw it in Indy too. It smells like semen. Jesus. Not everybody's semen.

There's just a few races. How many different races of semen are you familiar with? Oh God, I mean, how much time do you have? How many races could there be where you don't have, you need a lot of time. Okay, Jews. I've had Jews. Jews semen. Chinese semen.

Yeah. Uh, Countless Puerto Ricans. White. Russian white. White guys around here. You're not white. I've never had sex with a white guy. No, I'm just kidding.

I did once, once it was the anomaly in the litter. Um, and then you had a big tall semen. That was Jew. That was a Russian Jew. How was that semen? Fine. Fine. Who's was the stinkiest?

We're going to, you really want to go there? Sure. Let me think back. It's a dietary thing. Okay. It was a Jew. The tall Jew? Bad diet.

No, no. Different one. Had a bad diet? Yeah. He had stinky cum. That's what makes your... Did you tell him? You didn't tell him?

Why would you tell somebody that? Because they need to know. I mean, did you sleep with him more than once? Yes. Oh, then like maybe you should be like, hey man, how about a little fucking fruit? How about some grapes, some berries today? You didn't try to change it at all? Does diet change a woman's...

I don't know the effect. I know some girls have a real stink box on them though. I've had some that smell it through the underwear. Like, well, my face isn't even on there yet. Girlfriend? Girlfriends or... No. One night.

One nighters. Yeah. Didn't deter you though, huh? No. I mean, you still... You kind of just... You dive in and then you... You just kind of...

It's like when you... You know when you hold your nose while you're eating food? No. I've never done that. When you hold your nose, you take a bite. You're like... No. Because your nose will affect your eating.

You're like, you know... So I just hold my nose while I lick their box on you. Is that really true? What? Are you being honest? About what? The vaginas smells. Definitely.

Really? Absolutely. What do you think dictates that? That I don't know. I don't think it's hygiene because these weren't like otherwise, you know, like they're not... Pigs. They're not pigs and you don't... You don't go like, oh, she's gross, you know.

Dirty and disgusting. You don't think that. But you didn't see them as filthy people. Right. There's definitely something going on internally and they weren't like... They weren't like, you know, on their period or something. It was just a strong, pungent odor. Yeah.

It could just be that's your, you know, your chemistry. Yeah, exactly. Your hormonal... Exactly. And they can't do anything about it. And it just... Like there's different... It's just a different flavored juice box, you know.

Yeah. Like maybe these are some old juices. You know, like when you... You ever had a juice? You ever sample a juice like at a breakfast buffet and you go like, oof. What is that? And they're like, that's fucking, you know, kiwi and grapefruit. You're like, that's not a good mix.

Maybe their pussy juices are just not a good mix. Mm-hmm. Do you know what I mean? I wonder if different races, vaginas, taste different. I don't think so. No. No. But it's diet, maybe dietary.

You know, different races eat different things, you know. Like you're Peruvian, so you eat... That's true. What do you guys eat? Lomo soltato? That's right. Yeah. You eat ceviche?

Definitely. Maybe your loads smell like shrimp. You would know. You would know what mine smells like. Yours are amazing. Amazingly good? Almost completely odorless and tasteless. Cinnabon.

You have a very good diet. You take care of yourself. So it's very tasty. Apparently if you have sweet smelling pee, that's a really bad sign. Sweet smelling? Pee. Pee-pee. That means you might have, you know...

The sugar? That's pretty good. Diabetes. Yeah. It's a bad sign. I don't know about semen, but pee-pee should not smell good. But you didn't answer the initial question, which is what's your most memorable dump? Oh, right.

I was thinking about just different boxes, and I was going to say different girls' buttholes smell differently. Well, of course. I've smelled a number of their buttholes. Of course. I can't even imagine what my butthole smells like, because I eat a variety of spicy foods, Asian foods. Yeah.

I eat like an animal, and I can't even, I don't even want to know. Don't tell me what my butthole smells like, please. Oh, it's very easy to tell you. I don't want to know, babe. I can tell you right now. I'm not going to listen to your answer. Croissant. A buttery one, or chocolate one.

A warm croissant. Or you tear it apart in a flake. It's flaky. I'm trying to think of, well, I do have one that I remember when I was on a field trip in high school. We went on a field trip to New York, and it's kind of a crazy field trip, a class trip. That is. Where did you live at the time?

Florida. And we went to the... Why'd you go all the way over there? We went to the Catskills. Just like hiking and all kinds of... It sounds terrible. Yeah. It was terrible.

I remember that I sat down to take a shit, and Cliff, who's a guy in my class, sat down in the stall next to me, after I was sitting down. So I sat down first, and he goes, hey, what's up? And I was like, not much. What do we have next? And he's like, oh, there's someone's going to talk about whatever, making a tent. And I was like, oh, yeah? And I go, I wonder if it'll be a tent like this.

And then I let out a huge explosive shit, and he stopped shitting, pulled his pants up and left. And I remember that because I laughed so hard that he was so upset by what I was doing that he stopped shitting. Wow. That's pretty amazing. You really grossed that guy out. Yeah.

Yeah. That's a good one. Wait, I have one more that I remember. Have you ever tried Dieter's tea, that Chinese slim tea? No. I had tea today, though, midday. Isn't that interesting? Which kind?

Flavor? Chamomile. Oh, I love chamomile. But no, there's this stuff called Dieter's tea. Yeah. Be careful. I didn't know this. This is in college.

I was like 20 or 19. And I drank some because I wanted to lose a couple of LBs, and I didn't know what it did. Apparently, it just makes you shit the weight off. So I was going to a house party that night, and I fucking drank, and I was like, oh my god, I really got a shit. And I shit at this house party all night long because I was afraid to leave because I'm like, once you start shitting, you don't stop.

Really? So I was like, oh, I was so afraid to even get into a cab to drive back to the dorms. So I had this shit all night at this house party. So you kept going to the bathroom? I just kept going. I just locked myself in there for a really long time. Thankfully, there were two bathrooms in this flat in San Francisco, and I just kept shitting. That's a really good story.

Thank you. Thank you. But you'll never forget those shits, though. I'll never forget it because I was so doubled over in pain, like it induces severe cramping. And you just, you shit like you've never shot before because it's really amazing. Spicy asshole. I remember getting a spicy asshole a few times. I learned a trick, a suggestion from the Mexicans that I worked with in a kitchen here in LA.

Before you eat spicy food, they'd eat buttered bread. Very smart. To line their stomach, they said. You soak up. Yeah, you got to. I don't know if that actually does really help. I bet it does. No, no, no.

Because Hungarians eat bread. That's why they give you bread before meals, yeah? Yeah. To kind of, you don't want to just go from zero to like, fuck. You want a little buffer. Yeah, interesting. That's how you get diarrhea. I'm trying to think of memorable, more memorable shits like that.

Really impressive browns. Oh, you know, one that I'll never forget isn't even one that I had, but it reminds me of what your dieters tea. In college, I caravaned up from Florida back to Carolina. Steve was in the other car, Chuck and me were in my car. We stopped one time at like a 7-Eleven, you know, on the side of the road or whatever, a gas station. And Steve was like, man, I got diarrhea.

And I was like, oh yeah? He's like, yeah. So I just ran in here and we're about to like just go back on the high. We're just driving together. Yeah. He's like, so I just went in here and he's got some laxatives. What? Yeah.

And we were like. Why? Yeah, man. And I remember just being like, I hope he can't see the emotion in my face because I just wanted him to take the pills without saying it. You know, I was like, yeah, that's a good idea. I could kill him. And I just was like trying to like restrain my smile.

You know, I was like, mm-hmm. And so I pulled out and I was like, oh my God. And then of course he's like, yeah, because I'm, you know, I'm thinking like I got diarrhea just flush it out, right? And I was like, that's a good idea because of course I would have never, I would always do the opposite. I would get like a modium AD or something to stop it up. But he was like, yeah, I'm just going to try to flush it out.

So we drove and we drove like, I think we left later that day. So we stopped at a hotel. We stopped like at a holiday and on the side of the road to sleep for the night. And Steve got the room next to us and he was like, man, I just keep shitting, man. Like I got so much more shit coming out of it. I was like, Steve, you took a laxative, man. He was like, isn't that what you do? I was like, no, man, why would you do that?

Stupid. Yeah. What? I mean, how much longer did he shit for the rest of the night? He said he shit all night, all night until the next morning. All he did was shit, shit, shit, shit, shit. I'm not supposed to take a laxative. No.

What a dope. Steve. He has kids. I hope he doesn't do that to his kids. He has three kids now. He's got to learn by now. Wait. I have one more.

Okay. This just reminded me. So I was in Jamaica doing the Road Rules Real World Challenge that I did. Yaman! You know what's really funny about Jamaica? He says, Yaman! And nobody says, everything is I read. I read.

That's for tourists that they put on bracelets and shit. So we were all saying it to them and they were like, yeah, okay. Anyway, I was on the one challenge I ever did. I was on a bus. Yeah. Are you yawning into the microphone during my story? Please continue. Could you be a ruder?

I mean, I don't know, and you're scratching your chest hairs and I don't mean to bore you. Can you just tell me the story? Yeah. Anyway, it's such a good story. I'm going to tell you. So we're on a bus. It's me and like Puck and all these douchebags.

Puck. Such a fuck. Is he dead? I hope. I don't know. Him and then Eric Meese and all these douchebags. We're on this bus now. They put us at Round Hill Estates and they gave us a gorgeous trip.

It was actually quite beautiful for two weeks I'm there and they have this cook who's cooking for us. I don't touch the goddamn food because I don't trust it. So I've been eating like canned green beans and peanut butter sandwiches because the food is gross. It was all jerk this and jerk that spicy, spicy. I'm like, I don't need fucking diarrhea. Well, I'm on this challenge.

Sure enough, day three, everybody has raging diarrhea and vomiting except for who? This one right here. Wow. Now we're on a bus and this poor girl who will remain nameless because I actually like her. We're on a bus on the way to a challenge or whatever and she's like, oh, I got a shit. She's like, oh, I got to go, I got to go and we're on a bus in the middle of Jamaica just going through like jungle and stuff.

And I was like, dude, like, I don't know how you're going to, there's no, there's nothing around us. And this is a busload of people. She was single. We were all at a time that maybe you'd want to hook up with. There was like her love interest on this bus as well. And like all of us, the cameras are there and she's like, I got a shit. And she's like, I got to, I have to go is what she says.

And so the bus driver stops the bus like to the side of the road and this poor girl gets off the bus, runs across the street and like down into the jungle and takes a shit and we can all pretty much see what she's doing. And it's so mortifying. You saw her shit. Well, like we can see part of her shitting like, you know, you can't really get lost. You can't really hide. Like it was like levely, whatever, jungle, so she was shitting and then she came back

and I was like, oh, I feel so bad on her love interest. Like this boy that she was talking to was on the bus too. I'm like, oh, it's so embarrassing. Was he totally mortified? No, because she also just she didn't brush her teeth very often either. Dirty and disgusting. And she didn't shave her armpits. This girl.

So he was kind of down for whatever, whatever, you know what I mean? Oh my God, you guys are so disgusting. Yeah, so that's what that's the untold story. She didn't shave her armpits or brush her teeth. Rarely. This is a disgusting woman. She's a real hippie chick. Yeah, real hippie chick.

Well, no, I think you gave away who it was. No, I don't think so. Because there's there's quite a few hippies on the real world road rules. Nice. We'll just say who it was. Yeah, really? It's been like fucking 15 years. She's grown now.

I think she's kids and I don't want to embarrass her. She's a nice girl. All right. I don't want to say it, but isn't that sad? Yeah. That's what I had the most empathy for somebody like, oh, you're fucking, you have to shit in front of everybody right now. You got to shit.

You got to shit. Very interesting. You got to take a shit. Sometimes you got to shit. You got to take a shit. Oh, yeah. We'll talk. Oh, yeah.

We'll talk. Oh, yeah. We'll talk. Oh, yeah. We'll talk. Look, um, we just realized last night that one of the greatest television programs of all time is back. Jiggle on showtime with our friend.

Brace fuck off. And, uh, it didn't disappoint. A new season has begun. They got rid of the fucking dead weight with Steve and dead weight. And now they brought in Bradley, a.k.a. Blake Lords, a new prostitute from the South from Tennessee and they're back. And, um, well, here's just a little, a little sample, if you will, of, um, of some stuff that's going on.

Remember, there's Brace, there's Nick. Nick is the aspiring rapper. Nick Hawk. Nick Hawk, who's also. Don't forget Ash. Ash. And yeah, Ash is the more caring American healing, he'll put beads up your ass and do yoga while he comes on your face.

All right. I got a new music manager who's amazing. You know, he kind of lit up a new spark under me and I wrote this song tipping and sipping a little bit ago. It's a lot of fun and it is a new direction. This is more poppy. This is what's going to possibly and hopefully, you know, get me signed to a major label. I'm sure there's someone else.

And that's Vin. Vin, yeah. Vin. Vin is the voice of reason on the show. The only sensible one. The only logical person on the show. Brace, we love. Brace is not the voice of reason.

Vin is. They're who really likes Nick's music. I've just never met one, but I'll listen to this. I want to give some sexy moaning sounds in the background for this track. So why are you talking to us about it? He wants Brace to do it. Yeah, Brace will do it. Brace, Brace is doing it.

No, I need some girls to put on the back row. So if you guys have some clients or friends who are good at making these noises, you can help me out a lot. I've got a library that goes back 20 years, man. Brace, by the way, I like that Brace is dressed like James Bond for this episode. Yeah, like an old school Sean Connery. He's got like a black turtleneck on and like a leather. He's the best.

He's the fucking best. He looks great. Brace looks great. Yeah, Brace looks awesome. He always looks great. But my favorite is Nick Hawk when he talks you through his creative process. Oh, my God. Like, you know what I mean?

I'm laying down some tricks. So it's so it's just unbelievable. It is. It's totally ridiculous to be a rapper. So Tippin and Sippin Tippin and Sippin is the new track. And here's a little bit if you're interested in buying the song from Nick Hawk from Jigalos. What?

That is a that is a special category of suck. That's terrible. His ears suck. I think this is his Jigalos song. I'm through a night that you remember forever. I make a big entrance. I'd like to be naked. I break hearts every time I exit.

But I'm not playing. You get what you pay for. Believe me. I'm obtained. You don't. His his emceeing ability is just it's not gonna ask you ask somebody. Look, this is not my genre. You know, if Nick were to embark on a punk career or goth, I would have

something to say. So in your assessment as an emcee, what's going on? It's just it's totally it's consistent with somebody who admires, likes the the field, the music of in this particular case, hip hop, who has just doesn't have the ability. So I mean, you could tell he has he struggles. He struggles not just lyrically, like with writing the actual lyrics and like having good lyrics.

But as a performer, he doesn't have the the vocal, like the voice control. He doesn't have the ability to pace well, sounds rushed. He sounds like he's like he's trying to, let's say, when you rhyme really fast, you have to still be able to control the way your voice sounds. You have to be able to breathe a certain way so that it doesn't sound like you're out of breath when you said the thing. And you know, it's just he's he's just lacking as an artist and a performer. Yeah.

So he's just not good. I mean, my assessment is you're not good at this. Yeah. Yeah. Well, what, what do you think compels him to continue? That's really he is. Um, that's really the big question is, well, first of all, he believes in himself. I think he's, he definitely thinks he has the ability.

Um, this guy is, I mean, you watch the show, the wrapping aside, he obviously is definitely into some of him. So there's a big ego behind this. And you know, I, one thing I do like though, I do like when somebody who really wanted to do something tries to do it. Yes, I agree. And failing horribly at it is okay. Yes, I think I think it's okay.

He's not like that. He's, he's not a guy who goes, this is all I am. He's a guy who does this also. You know, I do this, I do that. He's, he's a, he's a slash slash slash guy. So I think it's fine. Like you can do all these things. He's trying this thing.

He's putting out someone's probably buying this shit. I'm sure they are. And, um, you know, he, I guarantee you, he will not have success in music, but it's okay. Like he tried it and he'll look back on this and he'll probably look back like I can't believe I failed at that, but you know, I hope I know, but there's a fine line between like, he's delusional enough to keep going chasing your illusion and then investing all this time and money

and that delusion. And then, you know, I hope it, yeah, it's painful. I mean, you know, he's way more, I think he's into, he likes what, like a lot of people like about like rapper, you know, the hip hop world, he likes the, he feels like I have the swag, which he probably does. Like he thinks he's the shit. Yeah.

And you could tell the way he carries himself. He's got that part down. He's just not a talented artist. Just no musical ability. There's zero there. That's holding him back. Right. That's the one hindrance.

He's, he has that one thing missing. He doesn't write good lyrics. He doesn't tell interesting stories. No, he doesn't have like a particularly good ear for some. He does. He's not hooked up with like, you know, even if you did give him like, you know, whoever Pete Rock or Premier to give him like some insane beat, he wouldn't know what to do with it.

I mean, it would be a pilot shit Quincy Jones, Quincy Jones. I love if he did a Quincy Jones is like now what I'm about to tell you is you fucking suck. I didn't tell Michael this. I worked with Michael. I worked with with Lionel. I worked with Luther and I just want you to know that you are, you are not worth a shit when it comes to this whole music thing.

What is known as garbage? I wonder too, in this day and age, everybody gets to have a song like Paris Hilton. Remember when she put out a song like Kim Kardashian put out a song and these songs are so overproduced that I feel like anybody can do this to some extent. It's a problem. Yeah, it's a problem because that doesn't even sound like Nick, his speaking voice, like they completely don't you just layer sound on sound so that you

just, you sound like you can do this shit. I mean, you can tell like he's trying to pull off the fast, that fast rapping, you know, like it's just maybe you can tell like Busta Rhymes. Yeah, kind of Busta Rhymes, but like, you know, when you're, when you're fast, when you try to rap fast and you're not good, it actually stands out how bad you are, you know, when you're, when you can run fast and it's really good. It's when it actually leaves this huge impression on you like, wow, this is like, and also as a side note, don't you think in my opinion, like I know I

like Jay-Z, I follow his work, his wrappings. Yeah, this guy started rapping, Jay-Z, even the time he was really little. Like it's something that you're kind of called to very early. Well, the best of the best, it is, it's innate. Like it's rhythm, music, it's in you. Michael Jackson started singing when he was fucking born. Yeah. The people who are really good at, I mean, they still have to work at it and

the more they practice at it, they get better. But look, it is the people who are at the top of their game at this. It's a natural gift. They're just good. It's like funny people are just funny, you know? They can get better at it and work at it, but they're naturally funny. Here's a clip from... I'm going to sing a song.

Episode two. Oh, already? We haven't even seen episode two. I know, but it's, it's a clip that I believe has brace. Can I play it for you? Oh, I love brace. Yeah. Drake, nice crib you got here.

Oh, thanks. So do you come here a lot or? Not really. Most of the time I'm back home in Indiana on my branch. It's a farm kind of place. So you get back to like real life, right? Exactly. Get all the BS out of my head.

I'm recently divorced. Well, kind of recently, two years. I was with that gentleman for 13 years. I have an 11 year old son. I share custody with and I have two grown children. You know, the weather is so much better out here. I love hot weather. You like 110?

Yes. I used to live in Florida. Did you? Yeah. We're having you love. Cheers. Cheers to you. Yeah.

Let's see how brace is thoughtful and... Natural. Total natural. I mean, if you're going to be a male hoe, like, I think the, the guidelines, the DVD on how to be a hoe should be just brace. Making you feel comfortable. Can I say about brace too? We've had him on the show twice now.

Yeah. Brace always surprises me at actually what a kind soul he is. He is kind. Yeah. He's very kind. He's a sweet lamb. He is. Underneath all of the saber tooth tiger shit.

He's a real dude. He's just a guy. Yeah. Traveled a lot. That's been fun. Now that the kids are out of the nest, you know, it's kind of like that empty nest syndrome a little bit. I mean, my 11 year old is still there and I share custody with him.

But for the most part, it's just me in this big, empty house, you know. Yeah. So I have seen a lot of the country as I danced on the road for many years as a feature. So on the road constantly. So you were, you were one of those feature dancers. Right. And then they would highlight you and all that stuff.

Right. I used to make adult films. Really? Uh-huh. Wow. Long time ago. That's crazy. I used to be an X-rated movie actress in the past.

I quit in 1996 and retired to just stay in Indiana, raise a family, grow beans and tomatoes and can them and that kind of thing. Okay. So I've never been one to really follow porn or whatever. Right. Maybe I'm weird, but no. So what was your porn name? Hyapatia.

Hyapatia. Hyapatia Lee. How many did you do? Probably 50 at the most. I can't wait to see this now. Alopecia. I can't wait to see this. Good for her.

She got out and she got a family. That's rare, right? Hyapatia Lee. Hyapatia. Let's look up her work. I'm curious to see what she's all about. Yeah. I thought she's going to be like Ginger Lynn because she's kind of, if she's 50,

how old is Ginger? Um, oh, you're, you're right. Maybe even older. Yeah. She was from that first crop of porno. I'm thinking like in the 80s, maybe. Well, she says she retired in 96. Oh, okay.

So maybe she, oh God, who knows? That's interesting. Yeah. Good for her. That's tough. That's got to be tough though, to move to a small town and then everybody knows that you were in porn. Um, yeah, let's see.

Exotic dancer, pornographic actress, quarter, Cherokee. She was one of the most prolific pornographic actresses of the golden age of porn. She's 52. She was, um, she did, uh, 91. Uh, porn, she said, at the most 50. Uh, okay. It's almost double. Well, that's all right.

The girl's got to lie a little. She's in the, uh, yeah, you're right. It's just like you when you're like, I have the number, of course, uh, hooked up with like four guys, I mean, 47, yeah. Um, babe, would you still love me if I did porn? Um, I don't think so. Okay. Just check down.

Yeah. I don't think so. Yeah. That's the daunting. And how do you explain that to your kids too? That's gotta be tough. I used to suck dick son film. I don't do that.

Mommy doesn't do that anymore. Now I plant beans. It's got to be tough. I understand. I mean, I understand like how, I don't think you can hold them accountable. Like where they can't have kids and stuff. You know, that's not fair, but it's got to be a tough conversation. But it's a shitty thing to grow up and to live in a small town, like somewhere in

Indianapolis and then everybody knows who that, who your mom is and what she does, everybody knows, everybody knows your mama's a hoe. Um, let's see. Your mama is a hoe. Um, so here's Hyapatia Lee, because she's part native American. She is part native American is that that's her hook, right? That she's the net. That's why she definitely, yeah.

Yeah. She definitely makes it. Yeah. I think she could have gone with a better name. There's a guy like in her butthole right now. What do you think hers tastes like? I think it probably tastes like the wind. You know, she is like a dream catcher.

Like maize. Is that what they call it? Okay. Yeah. Hmm, I'd like to hear some acting. I know all I'm hearing is moaning. Remember that last episode at jiggalows we watched, he was having people moan on his new track.

Yeah, it's lame. I didn't, I wasn't into that. I wasn't into that either. It's embarrassing. That's people's jobs though, to come and like do voiceover for porn and just moan. How do you get that gig? That's not voiceover work, is it?

I guess. I think I could do it. Okay, let's see it. Ready? Yeah. Guy groans are different, guys are. It's a tricky game, the guy groan. What, how so?

Because you don't want to sound too over the top because then you sound like the dropping loads guy, Nick Manning. Oh, right. You don't want to go too over the top. You don't want to go too understated and you don't want to go too mean. Hmm. Okay, let's do it. Ready?

Oh, is that her? Is that Hyopatia? That's me. Oh, that was your movie? That was me. No, that's Hyopatia. Okay. So should I be a girl doing it?

No, do it as a guy. Okay. Ready? Okay. What's your thing? You need a thing. Don't forget. What do you mean?

Like you want to be memorable. So you want to have a hook like, oh, it's all over your face. Well, can I just do it? Yeah. I'm going to tell you what it is first. No, but just, I'm saying keep that in mind, but maybe that's something you want to consider with your reading today is what I'm saying. Okay.

So this is my porn scene. Ready? You're distracting me. I don't understand what are you, what are you doing? I'm having sex. I'm doing sex noises while I'm having sex. Are you like an old guy? Is this like old guy, young girl porn?

No, this is like your age, your current age. 25. Okay. It's 25 year old guy having sex in a porno. I'm just having sex doing sex noises. Okay. Well, let's hear the finish. That's the most important part of a guy's performance.

I want to hear the grand finish. Okay. Here we go. Going back. All right. I'm thrusting. Thank you. Yeah.

Give me my reward. You think that was a good scene? That was great. You know, we haven't even discussed yet. What? We're all over the place. Um, there's two things we haven't discussed yet that we should be getting to. Remember that girl from Stern?

Who is that one? That was a good one. Yeah. That was a famous, famous clip. I like Nick Manning the best though. Cause he would like be like, hell off, no fury, like my steaming. He was talking about like wretched bitches. Yeah, he was crazy.

So we have the, uh, here's how I would do it. Ready? That's hot. Sorry. That's so hot. Do you like that? Absolutely. Well, let's do it together now.

Okay. Ready? All right. Ready. All right. And you, and you make sure you say things like that. Okay. All right.

Here we go. Action. Sorry. I'm sorry. Please, please don't hit me. I'm sorry. I didn't like it. Cut.

That's a print. That was a really good scene. That was really good. That was really hot. That was a hot scene. Sounds like a motorboat. All right. So do you want to tell, I need to get my charger out of my bag.

Can you hold down the fort for a second? I guess I really got to take a whiz. I've been drinking kombucha. Should we stop? Yeah. Let's take, I got to take a piss. Yeah. Okay.

All right. So I just peed when I was peeing. I came up with a new porno sound. Oh, you did? Ready? Sure. Is that sexy? That is.

I like it. There you go. There you go. Okay. Well, it's about time to get out of here. So not before we do something. You know what it's time for? Fill her up and seal her.

No, your love with your love. Let me go to this. We did do, we have results. Oh, right. Yeah. So. All right. Well,

last time we did Siskel and Ebert. And we also did Annette Funechello and Elizabeth Taylor. And so if you go to Facebook dot com slash your moms house podcast, you can vote right there. You can add your votes. Here are the results of the last one. Jean Siskel just smashed Ebert. What?

Yeah. Right now, Ebert has eight votes. And it looks like Mish, Mish the dish. Mish the dish. She commented, it's the half a face thing. That's the biggest deterrent. How much do you love Mish and Mish? I saw that you're OK in Boston and I love you and I'm glad you're OK.

I saw on Twitter that you were doing. Oh, yeah, absolutely. One of our Boston listeners. We love you, Mish. Absolutely. Mish also added Ebert. Imagine him trying to gnaw on your clam with just an upper mandible. No, thank you.

She keeps it real. It's what I like her. All of our Boston, Mami areas, area, Mami's, you've been in our thoughts and prayers. We were all captivated as was the entire world by what happened. And I'm just so happy that, you know, it's over and we got that fucking piece of shit and then hopefully we'll see how this whatever happens next trial unfolds. It's a fascinating case, but nevertheless, Annette has 10 more votes than Elizabeth Taylor in the female department.

Robert Claypool said, I lost it when Christina called Liz a pig. LOL, LOL, LOL, you fucking pig. I would rather Michael Madrid wrote, I would wrap that diamond necklace around Liz's neck and lead her right to the dog bowl. So that's who you'd fill up. All right. So here we go. Come dog.

New filler up sealer shut. What do you got, Tina? Well, this one was actually a listener submission on Twitter. And I thought, you know what? Brilliant idea. Newest member of our family, Mr. Theo Huckstable Segura. This one's for him.

Wait, I'm sorry. Yeah. Did we read the results of the light skinned black filler shut? No, we did not. Can I just give those real quick? The audience is. I'm sure desperate to hear the audit. You mean the world?

Yep. Okay. So that result was it was Will Smith or Prince. Will Smith 85 to 33. Come the fuck on over Prince. Hey, man, who invented sexy. I took Prince. I'd let.

Yeah, fuck. Yeah. Well, the world is a surprising place, Tom. But the surprise might be in the female result. Halle Berry or Jada Pinkett Smith. Okay. Halle Berry won 140 to 15. The sound.

Wow. She's that unlikable, that Jada Pinkett Smith, huh? Unlikable. Somebody, Joshua Groting wrote, I don't know how this is a choice. It's like picking between shooting yourself in the foot with a rusty nail gun and eating strawberry swirl ice cream out of Charlotte, Charlotte, Johansson's cleavage. Well put, although you don't know who you like.

So I don't know. I'm assuming you mean Halle is the strawberry ice cream swirl. Look, I, you know, I don't know what men's tastes are when it comes to light skinned black women. I don't know. Well, it's pretty obvious here. Okay. So this is for Theo.

This is for Theo. So we should probably just get him in here and get him up on Mike. Come here, buddy. Come here, babe. Okay. There he is. Come here, Fifo. Hi, boo.

What are you doing? Are we taking a shit somewhere? You hiding from me? No, I'm taking the shit. What are you doing? Relaxing. Relaxing. What did you do today?

I took care of my own shit. I had meetings. Yeah, I sent emails. Uh-huh. I do business too. It's not just y'all. Right. It's funny because, uh, it appeared that you slept a good 20, 20 hours today

and you woke up. We took you out for a little stroll. He came back, he slept some more. So I don't know when you sent these emails. No, you work hard. You play hard. You know, that's the name of the game. Okay.

Well, you're the light. Cause I work with IAS often. You work your ass. What business are you in exactly? In Port Expo. I do, I do all kinds of stuff. I'm working with this, uh, this, uh, this sheep dealer, you know, Afghanistan for some, uh, some new sheep rates.

Uh-huh. Don't worry. Sheep. Yeah, I'm doing some wool in Port Expo. Okay. Well, uh, best of luck to you, FIFO. And, um, we have a listener submitted filler up seal her shut. Yeah.

Thanks for the rocks, by the way. You like those? I was kind of hoping I could get some better food, but you always been feeding me these little rocks. But Theo, the reason we do that is so that you don't get diarrhea. You know, this keeps your stool firm and stuff. I like, I like spicy chicken. I like, I like steak.

You prefer that we fed you spicy chicken? I like soup. Soup. I like, uh, I like crème brûlée. Crème brûlée. Or you think a dog should be eating crème brûlée. I mean, if it's what, what his pilot desires, yeah. Wow.

I thought you lived the Mexican family. When did they feed you crème brûlée? I mean, I, I've seen stories about it on the news. Oh, you watch the news. Yeah. I heard something about some French P.S. Johnson made a crème brûlée. I said, I want to try crème brûlée.

Okay. Well, maybe for your birthday, Fifo. When is my birthday? Uh, well, we gave you a new one. It's in March, around March 8th. All right. Just like Jesus Christ. There you go.

All right. So Fifo. Yeah. This one's for you. Now you've, you've listened to the show before. You've been in the room while we've done these. So you're familiar with fill her up, seal her shut, right? Very familiar.

I would absolutely go to town on Miss Halle Berry's box. The same way most of your listeners would. Really? Yes. You're into humans. Wow. I didn't know you were a fan. I could, I could lick like, you know, you know how I live.

Okay. Okay. All right. I lick my balls. Theo. Theo. I lick the bed. Imagine if I lick that little spot between your legs.

All right. Fifo, enough. All right. I act, first of all, I'd like to apologize. The other day I picked you up by your rump and I accidentally touched your balls. I'm sorry. That was not intentional. I've been thinking about it for 48 hours.

Okay. Well, Theo, here we go. Fill her up and seal her shut. I have two selections for you. Number one, Lassie from the classic 50s television show Lassie. Yeah, every dog knows Lassie, yeah. Yeah. She's a collie, border collie, or Bruiser from that movie with Reese Witherspoon

Legally Blonde. Now Bruiser is a little Chihuahua. Yeah. So here you go. You got Lassie the collie who lives out in the forest or more rural, rural. I got you. Bruiser, city dog. I mean, it's actually quite a decision that I have to make right there.

I mean, first of all, I like a big bitch. So Lassie is about nine times my size, but I would love to fuck her. But here's why I take Bruiser. I'm gonna take Bruiser. I'd like to take a bitch, think that she bad and bring her down, you know, bring her down to my level, my owner, my last owner, Juan. He had a Chihuahua that he gave preferential treatment to. And so I would like to fuck Bruiser as a punishment to Lucky.

Lucky was Lucky's the other Chihuahua. But I like to, I like to take Bruiser and put her in all her nice shit first. Her glittery collar and her little bows in her hair and then fuck her in some dirt and fuck her in some, like some, some horseshit, you know what I'm saying? Hold her down and make her face go into the horseshit and just let her know that we all dogs, I don't give a fuck if you wear glitter and shit, we dogs. So I would absolutely go to town and hopefully give us some Theo babies. Absolutely have to squirt out a couple of my seeds.

Wow. Well, Theo, you definitely are your father's son. That is exactly something I would expect somebody like Tom to say. I would never say that, babe. I don't know where Theo got this from. This is not from me. He listens to the show. We all listen to the show.

Okay. Well, you can't just, you know. There you go, guys. Theo Segura. Thanks, Theo. Thanks, buddy. That was really cool, man. Thanks for sharing.

That was really cool. We got to wrap this up. If you listen, hopefully to every show, you'll know that we also have shows on Friday now, so tune in on Friday for another episode of your mom's house. With an exclusive, by the way, we have a really exciting exclusive. It is an exciting exclusive. And also please visit your mom's house podcast.com. There are links to tickets to live shows.

There's a store. You can get a wipe down collection. You can get a real mom. He's only shirt. You can get our CDs or stand up. It's all there. Your mom's house podcast.com. Please bookmark it.

Do your Amazon shopping through our banner. Check out our sponsors. Game fly stamps.com. Sherry's berries. Sub Sherry. And yeah, we'll see you guys back here soon. Bye bye. Back at fans.

Cowboy foods. I just don't know what I'm gonna do. I don't know what I'm gonna do. It all happens. Move from Beverly Hills. Century city. Everything so nice and pretty. And all the people, they look the same.

But don't they know they're so damn lame? Three, two, one. Back at fans. Cowboy foods. And yeah, we'll see you guys back here soon. Bye bye.