Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura - 123-Your Mom's House with Christina Pazsitzky and Tom Segura

Episode Date: October 17, 2016

Nothing goes in Tina's booty - Well, lets just say NOT MUCH! Hehehehehehehe! We got a Chuck Ramsey update, wussup McDonald's?! What is Richmond, Virginia? Southern? Eastern? Full of murder? We talk about Nazi's AND Slavery. Whoa, that's pretty serious stuff in the Mommy Dome. Don't worry we're soon listening to retarded kids singing. Is that for them or us? Theo's back plus Would You Rather and more!

This reminds me of the 70s. What do you know about... ...Yuchini way? You know what I'm saying? This is it. Ah! It sounds like a PBS... Oh! Ready? This is great. I like this.

Let me take a sip of my summer wine. Mmm! You know, we like to go chilled wines in the summertime. We don't drink red wine in the summertime. We go white, chilled. This is my favorite beat of 96. Is this it? What is this jam? This is the instrumental version of Luchini,

a.k.a. this is it from Campo. Who produced this? Ski? I don't know. It's just dope though. Campo is the group. 1996? Yeah. I was blowing English dudes. Jesus.

I was listening to Oasis this year. That's what white people were listening to too. I was listening to Campo. Oh, I like that as much. Dude, I was just blowing trees, you know what I'm saying? It's good. What's up? Where are you at? It's Friday. It's Friday.

Hi! Jeans! Come see me in Cincinnati, y'all. I'm at the Cincinnati Funny Bone. June 6th through 9th, Hala Atmeen. That is what's up. And then July 11th through 14th, Chicago Impov, and Schomburg, Illinois.

And then July 18th through 21st, Columbus Funny Bone, Columbus, Ohio. ChristinaComedy.com has links to all those shows. Yeah, and then please follow me on Twitter and chat ChristinaP. You know what? I'm starting to have fun with Twitter. Good.

I'm starting to enjoy the confrontation and the weirdness. The confrontation and the weirdness. Yeah, because that's what I didn't get into. I didn't want to offend people. Be confrontational, man. I like that part. I try to post awful things and people don't take me seriously. Remember the other day you were sitting next to me

and we posted that I like to park in the handicap spots? Yeah. Nobody believed me. Nice. Well, it's my mother says, too. What about you, Jeans? Yo, right now I am in Denver, Colorado for two nights.

That's it. Friday and Saturday. Tonight and tomorrow, the 30th of May, the 1st of June at Comedy Works South, Greenwood Village. Come on down to one of my shows. I'm in and out, but I love the city. I love this club. Actually, I really feel like if I didn't live in LA,

Denver would be my first choice. Oh, wow. Old choices. After that, let's see. Grand Rapids, Michigan, the 6th through the 8th. And then I rescheduled my, well, I'm moving my New York appearance to later this year, but I am going to be in Minneapolis again.

The 25th of June through the 28th. Doing like this punchline workshop thing, doing shows every night at Acme that week. It should be really fun. Hit me up, yo. Come see me. Check out all the tickets are available at TomSegura.com. Follow me on Twitter at TomSegura.

And that's that. What are you going to get your dad? What am I going to get my dad? You know what I'm going to get him? Jeans. Seriously, my dad's been wearing like American dad boner jeans. He's been wearing, first of all, very loose and very light colored denim.

Like way lame, dude. Way lame. My dad on the special episode that I recorded with him, says how much he has contempt for blue jeans. That's what foreigners call them. That's what my dad calls them. Blue jeans. Because I hate blue jeans.

Blue jeans. Hates them. Hates them. It's so weird. Because your dad, even lounging around the house, he will lounge in his khakis. That's like a Sunday lounge outfit. Or like dark dress pants.

They could be like gray or black, like formal. And he doesn't wear sneakers unless the purpose is to run. That's it. I don't think he'll wear his nice shoes around the house. He's a formal dresser. That's generational, man. And southern. Don't you think that's his southern upbringing?

Yeah, I think so, too. And his upbringing was pretty formal. He even threw in, he didn't say this on the show. I wish he would have. But off the show, he was like, I don't think people should wear T-shirts to fly. To fly? When people travel, he should wear a collared shirt. He should see how I roll, dude.

I think he does. He just bites his tongue. Oh, and he's picked me up from the airport in my sweatpants. Full sweat gear. Yeah. Yeah. Well, it's America, Jack. It's America.

Do what I want. You ready to do this? Let's do it, man. All right. My name is Joe Kramer, and I'm a massage instructor. With this self-anal massage, you can reclaim an important part of yourself. You know little babies enjoy their assholes. When you were very young, you had no shame.

You certainly didn't carry tension in your sphincter muscles. We were taught that there are places on our body that we should avoid. And the asshole is at the top of the list. What is the purpose of this anal taboo? Break the taboo and see what happens. Remember, till I was 30 years old, I hated my asshole. I had nonstop inflamed hemorrhoids, not fun. I even had surgery on my asshole.

Breathing techniques demonstrated in this video, I have relaxed and healed my asshole. I have a whole new relationship with that part of my body, and I wish the same for you. This is big time. Who is Ram? Don't bring anyone loving to this. Your mom and the fuck is there? Welcome to your mom's house. With Don Segura.

Christina Pajitzi. Christina Pajitzi. Welcome to your mom's house. That clip, you know? I saw that clip. It's an old clip. But I think it's one of those really well done dub jobs where the guy isn't saying asshole. Is that what that is?

I think that's what it is, but it made me laugh probably five years ago when I first saw it. I love when people do stuff, especially if they do it really. That one, if you watch the video, it seems like he's saying asshole, but at the same time, it seems like they're dubbing it. It's really funny to me. He says the exercise is you have to clench and release your asshole. Your asshole. And then there's another one that I forget.

I think he's saying maybe you're anal sphincter the whole time and they're just dubbing asshole. I kind of wish they didn't make it dirty. I wish he would use the proper terms because then it would seem more real. It does, but asshole is one of those words, especially if you're talking about it as an anatomical part. It's really funny to me. If your doctor was like, how's your asshole doing? Are you having any problems with your asshole?

I would laugh hysterically if my doctor was like, let me check out your asshole. Your asshole. Is your asshole okay? Does your doctor look at your asshole? Not yet, not at this age. No, it checks out my balls. He cups them, right? He cups them, cough.

Fucking camp. It's what I feel like when he's doing that. Do you know that women, I think at the age of 40, you have to start getting erectile exams? You're what? Yeah, when you go to your gynecologist. He said erectile exam. No, you're erectiles. You have to get your rectum checked out.

Yeah, sure. Well, guys do it at a certain age. I don't have it yet. Prostate, you have to get your asshole looked at. But I said to my doctor, because I'm extremely phobic of my asshole. Not when... My mouth is down there. Why do you have to share that with everybody?

That's our personal love life. Hey, but that's very personal. I can't believe you're sharing that right now. Why? Anyways, I said to my doctor, because she's like, I'm terrified of anything in my butthole. And I go, I just, I don't want it checked out. I don't care if I'm dying of butt cancer. I'd rather just die of butt cancer.

Jesus. What do you want things in your butthole every year? No, but I mean, I'd rather die of butt cancer. No. That's how you feel? Yeah. That's how I feel. You would rather have a guy putting a speculum in your butthole and opening it?

Would I rather... I'd rather have it over dying. You're saying that you'd rather die than get it examined. Yeah. Okay. That's intense, man. I have a fear of it. I don't want stuff in my butthole.

Nothing? I don't really like that. Babe. Nothing? Babe. Nothing at all? You know that you've never gotten far that way. Why are you pretending like you put...

Babe, quit pretending like that. All right. Okay. Can I put my fist in your butt? Excuse me? What? Can you fist? I want to put all five, four fingers and then a thumb.

In? Your butthole. No. In your asshole. Hey. Why not? Oh, come on. Why do I always get it?

You never get that. I've never used profane language on the show. You know what? I'm not going to use it anymore. I've decided I'm no longer using curse words. I don't like cursing. I don't like when people say curse words. Jeans.

Cussing. You know what? We have wanted to talk about what we did and we should just, you know, in case somebody missed it. Our boy... Cleveland 911 police, ambulance or fire? Yeah. Hey, bro.

I'm at 2207 Greenmore, West 25th. Charles Ramsey from the infamous, the famous... I know. My favorite American hero. Cleveland case, Ariel Castro, the guy that saved Amanda Berry and Gina De Jesus. And Michelle Knight. He was famously eating a lot of McDonald's. He told everybody about McDonald's.

What happened? Well, so I went to Cleveland and I asked mercilessly every media outlet I wanted to... You did it all over the press, right? I did so much press that time and I kept inviting him and everybody was like, Ramsey's too big right now. He's not coming to your dumb shit. So anyway, I Googled an article and he's a pretty cool dude, man. I guess he was offered free burgers from a group of local restaurants looking to honor

him with a gift of a lifetime of free burgers. It's true. They're giving him a card and these few restaurants have agreed to honor the card. Anytime he wants a burger, he can come get one. Right. And he said, no, thank you. I mean, this guy's a real class act. This is what he said.

He says, he's encouraging people to do things that will help the victims. His lawyer said, he was never asked about authorizing it, especially his lawyer, Charles Ramsey says he wants people to help the victims, but needs no undue publicity. So he's basically kindly refusing the free burger stuff. And he also heard that he turned down the 25 grand. Yeah. To give it to the girls. Now, what about McDonald's offered him free McDonald's for a year?

Right. I love that they put a time limit on it. I know you cheat, mother fuckers. Yeah. The biggest corporate, the restaurants locally. I'm sorry. Mother efforts. Yeah.

You got it. You earned it. Oh, cheese and rice. But the corporation that literally earns billions in revenue, so we'll give you a year. Can you believe that? Now, did he turn down Mickey D's? How about that? That one?

I'm not sure. Can you, can you find out? Can you look that up? I know they offered and I'm, I'm fairly certain he. Hey, check it out. I just came from McDonald's, right? So I'm on my porch eating my little food, right? Yeah.

I know what you're saying, Chuck. He works at a restaurant and he is a, he works in the kitchen. I think he's a dishwasher. They have come out, they've designed a new burger at his restaurant and they've named it the Charles Ramsey. So there's a burger you can get in his honor there. That's super sweet. Yeah.

Yeah, that's pretty cool. I can't find this. No? I can't find it. Come on. Well, let's see. Hold on. I'm finding the article.

Come on. McDonald's heard the calls for free burgers and offered Ramsey exactly that. Well, there were rumors that Ramsey would receive free burgers for life for McDonald's. That's not exactly what happened. I asked McDonald's about the reports and the spokesperson said, we have confirmed that the local owner operators of the McDonald's restaurants in Mr. Ramsey's neighborhood have connected with him and offered complimentary McDonald's food for the next year. In addition, we have made a $10,000 donation to the National Center for Missing and Exploited

Children in the names of Amanda Berry, Gina de Jesus, and Michelle Knight, the kidnapping survivors in Ohio and Mr. Ramsey. And let's see. It doesn't say. It doesn't say if he's accepted this or not. Well, let's see. I mean, would you eat free McDonald's for a year? I don't know.

I mean, only if I could have a breakfast, lunch, and dinner, yeah. You know, the first time I ever gained weight in my life is when we did road rules and we were so broke that we were eating McDonald's pretty much every day. Interesting that you're saying this right now. Well, when you look at who eats there the most and is the most obese, it is people who are broke. Right, right, right. So it's pretty telling when you're like the most obese and was the brokeest I ever was

was eating McDonald's. Oh, for sure. Yeah. For sure. Tasty. And I even tried getting like filet of fishes and shit, and it doesn't really, it doesn't keep you any center. That's the first time I ever gained weight.

And it's just kept on going since then. Yeah, man. So there you go. You could fucking try me fatso. You're telling me. Yeah, yeah. So I went to Richmond, Virginia. You did.

How was Richmond? It was tough getting in there, man. United fucked me pretty hard. I'm sorry. United. Free to me. Watch your profanity. I keep trying not to curse.

I'm not going to curse. Yeah, dude, they I ended up spending the night in Chicago. It was terrible. But I didn't know those genes. I was in Richmond and I was like, is this the south or is this the east coast? Because it's kind of in that weird in between place, right? Yeah. I mean, it feels to me pretty southern.

Richmond feels pretty southern to me. Well, I couldn't really tell because the audiences are slightly east coasty in that, like, they're not really effusive. Like they're not going to be like, we love them. You know, like the northeast tends to be more laid back, more subdued. But then there were people showing up to my shows, missing a lot of teeth. Yeah. And then with swastikas.

One guy had a swastika tattoo. What? Yeah. How did you not say something to that? Because I was kind of afraid of him. Really? Well, do you say something to the guy with a swastika tattoo? I would have to.

I think so. On stage, I would not. Not off stage. Well, my fear, because he was really kind of him and his sister, they looked like they were fresh out of prison. You know, as a sister? Yeah. Because she told me because I was talking to her and because I was like, whoa, you've

got a swastika tattoo. She was like, yeah, girl, that's where we met. And then I look over, kind of sound like Krusty the clown. That's where we met that she was joking to me. Oh, like, yeah, that's where I met you, girl. And I was like, this girl is kind of cool and trashy. I like that. Yeah.

Yeah. And then her, anyway, she points out, she goes, well, he's my brother. And I look over and the brother's missing quite a few teeth. And he has amongst a full sleeve tattoos. Yeah. A really pronounced swastika. Jesus. What's the shirt?

Um, sleeves. Sleeves. But you can see a swat. No, no, but I'm saying he had full sleeve tattoos. Right, right, right. Embedded. Right. I'm saying, did he have, was he trying to show it off?

Or was it just like, it was like what you're wearing, like a normal sleeve shirt. Okay. He didn't really try to conceal it. It was just like, well, I got this was like a back in the pan. Yeah. You figure you'd fucking cover it. Sorry. You figured you'd freak.

What's your profanity? You'd freaking cover it when you got out of out of that system. It's insane. I couldn't say anything because I was one of those things like, how do you joke? If I had said that, the room would have been like, if I'd have been like, Hey man, is that a swastika? Yeah. The room would have been like, how you wouldn't laugh at that?

Well, I don't, it's not that I thought that I would think it's really funny. I think it's just one of those things. I mean, obviously I'm not the one on stage. I'm not trying to criticize you. I'm saying, you saying it to me, I go, Oh my God, how would I not ask something? Well, here's why I didn't say anything. Yeah. Because a couple of mommies.

I can see how it can derail the show. Yeah, it would really throw a wrench. I got kind of nervous because like some mommies, a lot of mommies came out, which is fucking shit. Fuck. What's your profanity? A lot of mommies came out, which was awesome. And these two mommies and I were talking and they're like, yeah, Richmond or was the

headquarters of the Confederacy or Virginia. Sure. The headquarters. And I didn't realize that. And that made me even more aware of race and of the tenderness of that. Well, that's really interesting. I mean, I'm willing to bet that, you know, that guy's tat has a lot less to do with southern pride than just prison.

Yeah. Doing time in prison. Survival, prison, maybe. Well, prison is so segregated and you know, you kind of, you... So awful. It's so awful. Well, you got to get the swastika tattoo if you want to belong to our gang. What?

Yeah. Well, I mean, like if you're white and you're in a major prison, a violent prison, you're signing up with the Aryan Brotherhood. Are you kidding me? Of course. My first day in the pen and be like, excuse me, where do I sign up for the Aryan? It's, yeah, it's that or it's nothing. You have to.

You have to. So that's what that's all about. But keeping that, like, oh, just keep my swastika. It's like, jeez. You're a civilian now. Are you self-employed? I hope. That is crazy.

The other thing that you might not know about Richmond has, like, not where the club is, but like this proper city, a lot of, there's a lot of racial tension. Yes. And historically, historically, meaning more recent history, there's been a lot of violent crime in Richmond. I mean, they used to be in the running. I don't know if they are now, but 10 years ago, they were always in the running for the top five for murder capital.

Really? And per capita, they were always at the top. I didn't know that. Yeah. I didn't, you wouldn't know that because when I was driving around, I saw, you know, an old cute shed I took a picture of. Yeah. Very green.

You know, I was in a place called Short Pump, which is just a mall. Yeah, it's not. That's not proper Richmond. No, no, no, no. But anyway, I started thinking about, like, the nature of slavery and just how fucking it's great, right? Shit. How freaking crazy.

You know, the button's broken. I can't keep it. But can you do you realize what a bananas system that is? Like one white guy is to another one. He's like, man, we got all this cotton to pick. Yeah. And this other guy was like, well, you know what you got to do? What hire people?

No, no, no. You got to get on a boat, go down to Africa and then just kidnap a bunch of people. Oh, okay. I kidnap them and then what will you bring them over and then they work on your line? Oh, do I pay them? No, no, no. You beat the shit out of them. Yeah.

Like it's such a crazy. I know. And system. People always think of slavery as first, you know, because it's where we live and it's more modern to us to think of slavery as being like uniquely American. No, no, no. The Europeans invented it. Oh, come on.

Or the Romans. It was been invented. It's the beginning of. It goes back. 5,000 plus years. Yeah. The Egyptians did it. Right.

You know, the Byzantine Empire, everybody had slaves. But the thing about slavery, you know, if you put, if you put a real face on it, it's like the worst reality of it is the worst, most inhumane, horrific thing as a purely economic system. It is the best economic system you can. It's why people slavery is here's something people don't think about that slavery is why America was able to develop the way that it did in such a short period of time. You had free labor by the hundreds of thousands of millions for this extended period of time.

And all that free labor is what let this country build in that time period so much. Of course. It's horrific. Yeah. But economically, there's no better system. If you're trying to build a business and you go, well, what am I going to do with all the employees? Well, what you'll do is you'll make them work 18 hours a day and you'll feed them nothing

and pay them nothing. And then if they get out of line, you'll beat them. How does that work for you? And you're like, oh, okay, well, as a business, it sounds like a pretty good plan. But how do you, but do you, how do you think those plantation owners, how do you sleep at night? How do you act so out of your humanity? Um, yeah, that's, I mean, I don't think it's, I don't think it's, it's in them like it's

not inherent quality. I think it's because you're from the whoever started that there's some evil bastards. You're of course Europeans, but I'm saying like, I think a lot of those people that grew up in that, like they, it's like you're raised to be hateful. You can be raised to be like, this is normal, these people are dogs, you treat them like, you know, but there were also, there were also people in that era who didn't stand for that even back then, even 150 plus years ago, there were white people who had their morals, of course, correct and didn't, didn't participate in that and they were growing

up in an era, they were living in an era of that and they still didn't participate in that. But I wonder who was the first person to invent it? Who was like, I'm going to take this person and I'm not going to, I'm going to enslave them. Yeah, it's crazy. My grandfather. No shit.

Yeah. Grandpa Segora started this. He's the very first one. Actually, you want to know something like in 2000, in 2000, we had a Segora family reunion and it was in DC and there was like, God, there probably were 40, 40 to 50 was like, that was like my, my dad's siblings, all their spouses, all of their children and some cousins. So much brown at that reunion. Yeah.

And their cousins and they hired a, what is it, a genealogist to track the family and give a presentation, right? It was really interesting. If it's your family, you're like, oh, wow. And so they go, the guy and there's a guy and a woman began the presentation and everybody's like really fascinated and they're like, so we were able to track back on, you know, because you know, people marry. So they're like this family, this part of your family came like, came down from Quebec,

but before that they were in Marseille and you know, they go back and the lineage back forth and they're like in Segora, the first Segora that we found that you guys are connected to was Francisco Segora and he arrived in Louisiana in like 1783 and everybody was like, oh, wow. And they're like, and he was able to establish himself as a businessman very early on and he was very successful and everybody's like, that is neat. And he was, he was very feared in the community. He was had a very violent streak and you can see people like looking around like, uh-huh.

And he actually murdered a man who crossed him in a business deal and then you can see more like kind of glasses kind of go down and people drinking and they're like, and he died with more than a million dollars and this is an 18 something and he left just pages of it as well are the dozens and dozens of slaves that he owned. Everybody's like, oh my God, like the mood went from like celebratory to just like kind of quiet and shameful. Everyone's like, this isn't cool. This guy's a murderer, a slave owner.

Terrible human being. Terrible. They're like, you come from a horrible person. That's what they, they basically were like, just so you know, your great, great, great-great-great-grandfather was Jeffrey Dahmer. That's what it felt like when we were in the room. Such a nightmare. You're like, wow, that's pretty neat, man.

You know, I think my grandfather worked for the Nazi party. Really? Yeah. Jesus. But you have to understand at that time. Never move from my guy. I don't feel as bad. You should really feel bad.

That's not my fault. It is. But in Hungary at that time, it's like people don't, you know, when the Nazis come through your village, it's not like you have a choice. It's not like, hey, do you want to join our neat fun party? It's like you either do this or we murder you. What do you do? Do you choose the party or do you choose death?

That's all your options? I know. I mean, you know. But in his defense, he didn't kill anybody. He was like a bookkeeper or something. So you have a choice to participate in being a slave owner. You don't have to do that. Correct.

Yeah. But if somebody came to the door and they're like, are you joining our Neo-Nazza party or we're putting a bullet in your head and be like, yeah, man, Nazi shit's cool. Like what's up? Do I get a pin? Oh my gosh. And I was watching that vice show. It's fucking awesome.

Have you had a minute to see it? I've seen a couple of them. They're amazing. We talked to somebody about one actually earlier today. Yeah. Well, that whole Neo-Nazi movement that's spreading. I mean, look, it's been. Isn't it spreading in Hungary?

Yeah. It's called the Yobok party. But the thing is, is that people don't understand that Neo-Nazism has been around since the Nazi party died. Yeah. Like there's always been people that are like, remember when shit was awesome? Yeah. Of course.

And there's never been that time in history. No. Things are awesome. Wow. The Greeks are huge Nazis. Really? Their party even has a swastika. Jesus.

It's like a modified swastika. Yeah. Can you hear it? Yeah. He's snoring. Yeah. FIFA. We're not putting you in the Nazi party.

No. FIFA. You won't be a Nazi, will you? He'd be a terrible Nazi. He'd be the worst. He, oh, he's running. Look, his little plasma. Ain't nobody got time for that.

He's a plasma. So he got to meet, Neo got to meet your parents for the first time. They lost their minds. They lost their minds. They tried to adopt. They tried to steal. I think that means steal. Yeah.

Yeah. They tried a lot of things. I wasn't having it. I was not into it. One thing that we, we did, I sat them down in here and we had a very intimate Segura family podcast special, I would call it. And we did a couple things that are like, basically it was a long, just talk was fun. It was a lot of brown talk.

If you like brown talk, you'll love this episode. But one thing is that we tried to do a little bit of stuff in this show. In the last episode, we played them, my parents playing Tom or Black. We also got a little bit of would you rather with them? Can I play that for you? Oh, are you serious? I haven't heard this. I'm dying.

Yeah. Let's hear it. So here is top dog and Charo doing some would you rather's. Okay. So this is our segment of the show that we call would you rather. So I give you a scenario and you tell me which of the two you would rather do. Okay. I don't have to get it with him.

No, it's completely your own thing. Okay. All right. So one of our listeners, Brian Pollock submitted this one, would you rather your underwear is damp? You know what damp is? Like when you get out. Kind of nice.

Yes. And it's uncomfortable. Like it's like when you're in a bathing suit and you're sitting in the bathing suit, right? So your underwear is damp always 24 seven for the rest of your life or you shit immediately after you put food in your mouth every time for the rest of your life. I do the damp. The damp. Well, you know, I do the shit.

Really? I'll tell you why. Can I explain why? Why? Well, you know, when you get older, you get the dribbles. Okay. Mm hmm. So when you go to the bathroom and you're, you know, and then when you put it back in,

you get the dribbles. Okay. So I'm kind of used to. I live already with the shit falling out. No, no, no. No, he's not. He's. And where he's down all the time is what he's saying, oh, yeah, we're saying shit though.

I know, but you said your underwear being wet also it's already wet. So that's what he's saying. I see. Keep that because so I'm used to being wet anyway. Okay. And the other one is you eat and you have to go to a bathroom. You should immediately every time you put food in your mouth, but I sit in a bathroom. No, no.

Just when you eat. No, that's not the question. Well, no, because you could, you could organize your life. Oh, absolutely. Okay. Damn. That would not be a hard adjustment for me. No, I can't imagine anybody choosing that.

It really wouldn't. Well, people have different ones, you know, that was a good question though. It's a good question. I like to have a thought provoking audience. Okay, this is one. This is interesting. Well, usually the would you rather is that people submit are always two awful scenarios and you pick the lesser of the awful.

But this guy said, not all would you rather is have to be bad, which is an interesting spin. So he's, he submitted, would you rather every orgasm you had is the best one you've ever had for the rest of your life or every time you eat, it's the best meal you've ever had for the rest of your life. So in other words, you're in supreme pleasure all the time, but you can only choose one of the other. Definitely meal for me.

Meal. Orgasm for me. I eat three meals a day. He has one orgasm every 10 years. He picked that. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

But what, what did I get? Yeah, it would be, it would be life change, life altering. Oh, it's like a Haley's Comet comes every so many years. Right. Definitely. It's a really interesting one before we finished playing. I mean, that one came in a while ago and I remember looking at me like, oh, that's a really interesting take on it.

That when, when he wrote it, he said, you know, they don't all have to be bad. Right. And I was like, that's really interesting. Um, what would you choose in that, in that? Wait, but I missed the part. Was it the orgasm is once every, no, no, no, that was her joke. It was, it was, it was just either every meal you eat is like one of those meals where you go, oh my God.

The best meal of all. That is the best. Every meal you eat or every orgasm you have, you go, holy shit, that is the most amazing orgasm. Well, because here's the thing. Is that. Okay. Here's my.

Yeah. This is by definition amazing. It's true. You don't really have a lesser orgasm. However, there are lesser meals to be had. That's a good, good point. So I would take that because I would really, I eat a lot of shitty things. Right.

Because of the road. Like my, my diet is fucking piss poor. Yeah. Shit. I keep cursing my diet. Yeah. I just can't stop. I want to try.

Okay. I'm going to take the best meal because those are few and far between for me. The great meals are hard to come by. Yeah. It does give me pause. I mean, like, you know, the thing is, I think a lot of guys are probably like this as soon as you hear the orgasm line, you're like, orgasm, you know, right? But then I think, geez, most of my orgasms are pretty, right?

But you know, you don't have a bad one. No, a bad one. They do vary in intensity. I mean, there are. Of course. Yeah. So there are orgasms where you go, whoa, what happened there? Like that was, you know, you don't ever go like that was a really bad one, but you

do have ones where you're like, oh my God. And if you go every time, you know, like I said, they're all pretty damn good. You don't have a, but you have a bad meal. You don't have a bad orgasm. Can I say something? Yeah. You changed my mind. Thank you.

I would have chosen. And this is one of the first things you've ever said that was. Wait, wait, wait. How many good ideas have I had in the course of our marriage? Two. Number two. Yeah. In four years.

Okay. You said your other one was like a week or two ago, I think. Yeah. I did have a good idea a week or two ago. Yeah. I think we're going to get two. Maybe we're back to one. That's your first good idea.

Cool. That's an interesting, interesting. It's an interesting spin on it because usually people's are just really, really negative. Okay. Yeah. That's a good one. Here's another one that was submitted by Lorenzo Torres, low animal, one of our dedicated listeners.

This is a, oh, this is an awful scenario. Okay. Two awful scenarios. Okay. You poop out of your belly button for the rest of your life or you have three foot long elbow skin. I don't know. But that's what, that's the effect it's supposed to have.

It's supposed to be like that. Oh, I'd go the elbow skin. Actually, there's a lot of people at the mall that look like they have three foot elbow skin. So you'd go with that? Yeah. You see people, you know, I go to the mall. One thing I noticed coming out to California, people are not nearly as fat out here as they

are in Florida. Okay. That's true. Yeah. Okay. Really? Big difference. Really?

Yeah. And so we have, I've seen those people that look like they have three foot elbow, whatever you call it, skin in Florida and in other places in the South, I might add, but not here in California. I'm kind of impressed with the overall physique of people out here. It's pretty impressive. It is. They're walking and they're dogs and stuff and, you know, so that's an easy one for

me actually. I can't pick either one. You can't pick either one? I can't. That's an easy one for me. I really can't. Hmm. Interesting.

They're both horrendous. Both horrendous? Oh my God. That's the whole point though. That's the game. Yeah. Well, if I have to pick one, then the one that I can't search you, so they remember. No.

Then it grows right back. That's in the situation. Which one would you deal with? Neither one. Good save. I would deal with the elbow. Okay. Okay.

Now, here's something. We have this. Those mines. I can't believe coming up with questions. Three elbows coming out. You have three elbows coming out. No. I didn't realize she said that.

Three elbows? She's like these mines. She's giving you guys compliments for your submissions. Yeah. She said, who says three elbows coming out? Three foot skin. Hanging out of your elbow. Oh.

Somebody looks like they've been through weight loss surgery. You see some of that. Three foot. Tommy, you see that if weight loss surgery people. Yeah, of course. And then they have the skin, you know. Have you ever talked to your listeners about what really, really, really, really fat people do to wipe their ass with a little.

I please don't. Tommy. No? What is that? Don't you remember? We looked it up online together. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. They have that tool.

Yeah. Can you please honestly, at this stage, we really need to change the topic. We should have that discussion something. Tom, make your own. You know what? You should write a book. I'm on my dream life and talk about all your poops and all your stuff. It's your dream.

You realize that's his dream and it will be a best seller because he will buy them all also to be sure it's a best seller. Yeah, the color, the color of the book would be brown. That's what you're saying. Here's some questions that people submitted. Oh, it's so great. Yeah. If you listen to this show, you're not just hitting the top dog and Charo special.

I don't know what's wrong with you. It's going to be on iTunes, right? People can download this bonus material. Here's the thing. I'm dealing with them right now. I think it might just be a link that we provide to CD Baby and the CD Baby people. You can get it from them. Okay.

Well, that's good. Let's take it to the man. Forget iTunes. Yeah. I mean, iTunes is a pain in the ass. I was going through the process and they're like, oh, iTunes will price it for you. I was like, I want it to be ... We're not trying to sell it like you would a comedy album.

It's just like a bonus episode. I'm not getting confirmation that we can price it the way we want it to on iTunes. That's why I'm trying to do it CD Baby. You know, iTunes, there's a lot of our listeners that refuse to use iTunes and now I kind of understand that. I mean, the majority. I know. I mean, the majority is iTunes.

Well, okay. So we'll figure out the logistics of this. Yeah. Yeah. I'm working on it. I'm trying to get an answer. But anyway, that's brilliant. It's so funny.

I cannot believe how funny. Your mother is horrified by everything. If you like when she gets upset, there's just a lot of that. It's really good. Now, what's up, Jeans? Do you want to do it with your brother? You want to do it right? Got me in the mood.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, for sure. I hate being retarded. That got me thinking, and we were talking about this, that something that was real big in our life at one point, and we actually got into Top Dog and everybody was the kids of Whitney High. Yeah. This was a huge part of our courtship together.

You and I listened to this when we were dating a lot. Before your audience, before they, why don't we give them a little taste before we tell them about it. You know, when we were dating, I think you gave me a CD, recorded, you know, a copy of this. I did, yes. And I took it home to Florida, and I remember my dad had picked me up at the airport, and he always, he loves the Soul Train, the Soul, what is it called, Motown Era.

And Beyonce. He loves Beyonce too. Yeah, but his favorite is the Motown Era. So he always has, you know, Diana Ross, the Supremes, the Temptations, all those. So he always has a CD in the car. I took it out, I put this in, and what I did was I just, I played it in the back, you know, and I just, I kind of would turn it up a little bit, and like he wouldn't say anything.

And I just kind of, I noticed he would turn it down, he would like turn the volume down, and then I would just push it up, and I go, I just, at one point, I see, I go, wait, think of this, this group, and he's like, it's terrible, terrible, terrible. Why? Why would you say that? Well, since, I think you introduced me to the kids of Whitney High. Well, actually, Eric Lundy. Oh, yeah.

The Lunderpants. I'm pretty sure Lunderpants showed this, or gave the CD to me when he and I were writers together. Yeah. And this is the kids of Whitney High. Whitney High. Whitney, W-H-I-D, anyway, right? W-I-D, anyway.

Oh, okay. So anyway, it's a group of mentally retarded kids, and I guess this is their extracurricular activity project, that they record these albums, and they actually tour. The kids of Whitney High tour. They do tour. They've been on, they've been in the movies, too, that Johnny Knoxville film, where he plays a mentally retarded kid. They're in that movie at the end.

Yeah. Throw away the trash, I mean. So this is Throw Away the Trash. That's a classic kid. I don't really know what the point of doing. A positive message. Yeah. I mean, my feeling about this is always that, you know, I hate being retarded.

You go in and you, this is the kind of thing you don't need to release. You don't need to put an album out there. What? Why, though? They're doing something positive with their time. This is just done for mockery. I mean, whoever's running this group is less point and laugh. No, that's your perception.

That's what you do. But somebody who loves these children is like, let's give them something positive to focus on. No way. Babe, not everybody mocks a mentally ill or mentally challenged. This is so terrible. This is terrible. It's not terrible.

It is absolutely terrible. It's positive. They're doing something good with their lives. They can do this at the school for the other kids. They don't need to put it out there for the whole world. But what if the money goes to helping them, you know, helping mentally challenged people, babe? Look, we're helping them help themselves by playing this.

But don't make me feel guilty. This is just... I liked it on... This is I, Me, Pretty Girls. You know what I told my mother for fun? I said, nothing makes me angry than seeing like disabled people. Just to get... She got so upset with me.

Of course. It was so much fun to watch her react. I go, nothing makes... I go, I just... I can't stand them. She goes, I think the thing is that you can't stand yourself and they remind you of you. Probably. Yeah.

Yeah, I mean, it's terrible. That's terrible. Wait, you don't think they're going to win like a... What do they win? And music? Grammys? They're not going to win a Grammy this year? No.

I mean... Let's vote for them. You guys, let's work on getting the kids of Whitney High a Grammy. Wouldn't that be great? It would be a special Grammy. It would make me so happy if they accepted the award instead of some suck-ass Taylor Swift. Yeah, I don't think it's cool. Fuck Taylor Swift.

I don't think it's cool to have this. Well, I like this one. I like this one. This one's pretty good. All right, I'll turn. This is a good song. I'll turn. I like this one.

Yeah. I like this one. Yeah. I like this one. All right. I changed. Remember this one? Yeah.

Water. Remember? Uh-oh. Uh-oh. All right. You know what I like? What? It's easy to remember the words.

Yeah. I hate being retarded. It is. You can exercise or something and just have this pumping and it really motivates you. That's true. Yeah. That is true. Madeir.

Madeir. Did you ever have retarded kids in our normal school? Uh, yeah. In public school, we had like two retards. One kid was named Albert, but everybody liked him. Everybody thought he was mad cool, but they used to make Albert fight with other retarded kids. Oh my God. That is the worst thing I've ever heard.

Yeah. Jesus. There was like this other retarded kid and so they would make Albert fight with him. It was kind of messed up. That's real messed up. Yeah. But you watched, didn't you? Of course.

That's what you do in public school is like Oz in LA. It's like a prison. It's like prison yard stuff. Jesus. Yeah. You didn't have retarded kids fighting? Um. When you grew up?

I don't remember retarded kids fighting. I remember a retarded kid at one of the public pools. He was real retarded and he would get pretty aggressive sometimes with people. Yeah. Yeah. They're very randy. Retarded kids can be very sexually aggressive. Yeah.

And also just violent in general. Yeah. Yeah. Not all obviously, but you know, it happens. I hope our retarded listeners don't get offended by this. Could happen. Anyways, let's talk to Theo. We haven't talked to Theo in a while.

Let's get him up here. Pick him up. Hey, buddy. Come here. Theo. Come here, buddy. He's sleeping. He's just, he's a little grouchy.

Let me pick him up. Hold on. Yeah. Hey, buddy. Hey, did I wake you up? Shit. I was taking him nap. Theo, you've been sleeping for a lot already.

You've already slept for like 20 hours. I'm trying to catch up on rest. Why are you so sleepy? I've been busy, you know, just recovering. I mean, recover still. Don't forget, I was on a death story, not too long ago. Yeah. But I mean, you've been out of the hospital now for, I don't know, like almost a couple

of months, right? It's saying it takes a year. A year. That's what they say. To get over pneumonia, doggy pneumonia. I've been reading books. Shit. They say to keep taking it easy for a year.

You've been reading. Yeah. Where did you find these books? Where? Google. My computer. Yeah. Whose computer?

I use yours. I use the iPad. I don't give a fuck. I got information. Oh my gosh. Yeah. Why hope you haven't been looking at Tom's search history? He's disgusting.

What do you see on there? Because I don't check it. Shit that I'm into. It's all right. Shit that you're into? My dad and I like the same thing. Okay. Great.

I don't need to know. So Theo, you met your grandparent. What about a fart Theo? I can't even really tell what it comes out. You can't tell? Nah. I can smell your farts. I don't even know.

I don't know what I ate. I'm going to tell you exactly what causes that kind of fart. Who's that? That was your grandpappy. Oh that nice white man that was here. The bald guy. Yeah. So tell me about it.

You got to meet your grandparents for the first time. God damn white people are nice. Tell me about it. What'd they do for you? They were picking up and the lady with the boo boo boo boo. She gave me blankets and hugs and shit. She wouldn't let me go. They liked it.

They threw a lot of petting and stuff. I don't know if she was a maid or something. A maid? Why would you say that? She looked. She talked like maids talk. You mean her accent? Yeah.

I could have. She's talk funny. Okay. What was your favorite part of their visit? Let's see. She fed me twice one afternoon. What did she feed you? She's not supposed to do that.

You're on a strict diet by the way sir. You're pushing 12 pounds. You shouldn't be eating more than twice a day. I heard dad was being a bitch. He said give him a snack once. But she said fuck it. She fed me twice. What did she?

She fed you like a whole bowl of food twice? Yeah. And a turkey sandwich. What? A turkey sandwich? You're not supposed to be eating that Theo. He don't know that. I did know that.

Listen today when I walked you, we walked and you took like three shits and you pee so much. Like just when I think you're out of piss, you managed to find the pee in you. How do you do that? I had a lot of bitches in this neighborhood. I'm just trying to show everybody what time it is. Right. So you dig down deep inside of you and you find- It's Theo's.

You know what I'm saying? Oh. I mean in my year, I got a year of recovery coming up. I just got to let everybody know. A year of recovery? It starts tomorrow. I'm sorry. I don't understand.

Starting tomorrow, I'm in recovery. In recovery. To get better. I don't- Wait a minute. I didn't- Theo. I'm gonna be sleeping more, rest tomorrow.

What was your background? I mean, were you doing drugs? Is that what you're saying? You were on drugs? No, health-wise, man. Oh. I'm still getting my lungs back. I'm trying to get my air back.

Oh, I hear you. I hear you. Air back. Yeah, I'm trying to get my air back right now. Yeah, it's so funny that you don't talk like this when we're alone. It's only when we're on the show, you seem to open up more. Yeah, well, you know, I mean, I like the limelight. Right.

You know, I like- I know people who I know. Right. Wow, that's wonderful. Hey, thank everybody for the treats that came from Seattle in Portland. So many treats for you. You know what I'm saying? I like those treats.

You do? You do like those treats. What's your favorite one so far? The little chicken biscuits. Oh, I've gave you two of those today, remember? Hey, somebody was eating a brownie earlier. How do you know? Because I saw some of the crumbs on the ground.

No. How was it? I read on Google that I'm not supposed to eat chocolate. You're definitely not supposed to eat chocolate, Theo. So how about two of you grow the fuck up and stop eating chocolate? Okay. All right, Theo. That's enough.

I think you should go back to bed now. All right. Well, thank you for talking to us, Theo. All right, bitch. I'll see you in a little bit. All right, sweetheart. I love you. Go back to your little blankie.

Here you go, sweetheart. Good job, Theo. Oh, good job, Theo. Did you guys talk already? Yeah. Did you- I was just getting- No, I was getting wine in the kitchen.

Yeah, he's so funny. You know, he's so quiet when it's just him and me. He never really talks much around me. No, and then he gets on the microphone. It's like he opens up. Yeah. So bizarre. What is that?

He said he's in recovery. Hmm. From what? From pneumonia. From when he was sick. He's still in recovery. He's recovered. That's what I thought, too.

But he says he still needs to- that's why he sleeps so much, he says. That's ridiculous. That dog's so spoiled, so pampered, isn't he? Very much. He's the sweetest guy. God, I love that fucking attitude. That fucking dog. It's the best, right?

Yeah. Yeah, he's the best. Ugh. I love him more than I love a lot of people in my family. If it was between you and Theo, it certainly weren't a boat. And like, they're like, oh, you can only save Tom or Theo. I would save Theo. I wouldn't be able to- like, he's like a child.

Yeah. So the only way that I could choose somebody over him is if I couldn't see him. If I see him, if he's in my vision, I can't- I wouldn't be able to let him go. No, he's the best. I would actually hold you under the water. Yeah. As I held on to him with one hand. Yeah, absolutely.

Yeah. If someone was like, you have to choose between feeding your husband or feeding your dog, I would get the purina bag. Yeah. You know. No, but I'm saying I would drown you. Yeah. You know what I mean?

And I would starve you. Yeah. All right. He's so fucking cute. Yeah. That's kind of- that's not the nicest thing anyone said to me this week. Well, she might be squirt, you know. Make you squirt?

What? Babe. Hi, I'm Jaya, author of Red Hot Touch and world-renowned sexual wellness experts. Today, I'm talking about female ejaculation. By the way, do you know who Jaya is? No. You don't know who Jaya is? No.

I'm not familiar to you at all. This is Jaya. I want to talk a little bit about the white tiger's practices. I practiced as a white tiger for about a year. In the oral sex tradition, there's a lot of things like, for example, we have a technique where you're really sucking deeply the penis. Ah, shit. That's Jaya.

Okay, now it makes sense. She sounds a little more subdued in this video. Is it real? Is it pee? Is it a circus trick? And how do we do it? Well, first of all, I'm here to say, yes, it is real. Can I please try to make you square tonight?

Dude, it's not going to happen. Absolutely real. It's real. But why do you want it? What's the fun? It's hot. It's not hot. I'm one of those women who learned how to do it.

I've seen it in videos. I like it. Boo, it's just a mess. Yes, you can learn. Yeah. It's more a mess I have to clean. You're not going to clean the sheets. I am.

Let's be honest here. It's just more hassle for me if I have to score. It's so ridiculous. It's so gross. How to do it. They've done studies. No, it's so stupid. It isn't pee.

It is actually prosthetic fluid. Women have a prostate. Oh, give me a break. Arethra on the roof of the vagina. Kiss my ass. This broad is so bored. Is she married? Does she have a life?

Does she have a career? She has lovers. You're almost like gagging on it. When I first heard about this technique and then saw it, I was like, oh my goodness. The instant thing that came up in me was that it's degrading to women. Or the technique where you're holding the back of the head and the man is holding her head and then circling his hips. She says, holding. Rinding his penis into her mouth.

How enjoyable it is to have his penis inside of your mouth, deep in your throat. How enjoyable it is, especially around the, one of the practices is to actually have semen on your face. And you're meditating inside the vagina. So visualizing white light and you're drawing in his essence. You insert a steep finger. We know that this is also beneficial. Semen has lots of wonderful proteins and minerals and things in it that are great for your skin. Into the vagina.

Meditating on it. Drawing it in. Massaging it up your skin and just letting it dry on your skin. It's a skin-tightener. All kinds of really great stuff to it. And that practice I have found to be very beneficial to me. You know what I mean? Hmm.

Hmm. Can we? Jaya. Jaya doesn't have a full-time job. Why don't we try to get Jaya on the show? I would love to. I want to talk to her about her personal life. Why the need to squirt and have a guy throat fuck you?

Really? I don't know if it's a need. It just happens, man. We didn't do what you rather. Oh, let's do it. Let's do it. Let's do it. We promised and we didn't. Let's do it. I didn't realize.

Did you tell me that you had a really good one? Well, you know what, now in light of that last one we heard, I don't know if it's as good as that one, honestly. I just love hearing this song. It's so good. Did a listener make this? In Calgary. It's so good.

Not just a listener. A goddamn Canadian. Oh, okay. Dude, I'm coming there. I'm going to Toronto in September. How dope is that? Yeah, I'm doing the same show you did in September. Really? Your mom's in the fucking stands. Your mom's in the fucking stands.

Yeah. In Toronto. My first Canadian comedy date ever. It's going to be amazing. You're going to love your time there. It's great. Okay, so here's my would you rather... That's what's up.

This is odd because I thought of this after, I'm sorry, rather before we listened to that last guy. Okay, yeah. So this is kind of weird. It kind of goes... It's a little in the same thinking. Anyway, would you rather, every time you eat, you taste hot dogs.

So no matter what you eat. You're eating, you're tasting hot dogs. It's a taste of hot dogs. Let's just go with American Oscar Meyers. Okay. So that kind of really processed, tasty. It's not like a good brat or like a Polish kebasa. It's American hot dog, okay?

Okay. Or every time you go to sleep, you dream about having sex with your parents. Jesus. And it's a three way. That's an awful, that's an awful thought. Thank you. To put in somebody's head.

Thank you. Oh, I'm so glad you like that. Thank you. The thing is, it's worse. It's worse. Yeah. I mean, a life of eating hot dogs is terrible. Right.

But the psychological trauma. So you did really good. First of all, I should tell you did really good. Oh, I was worried that this wasn't up to par. I think, I think I'm going to be a disappointed foodie for the rest of my life. I think so. I mean, I'm trying to imagine you're never going to recover

from the dream. It's going to be on your mind all the time. Yeah. It's your daily dream. It's all you're going to think about from the moment you wake up. When you see people, the first people you see, it doesn't matter if it's your spouse, siblings, parents, you're just going to think,

and you're going to get to work. Hey, how are you doing? You'd be like, I had the dream again. Oh, where you fucked your mom and your dad. Yeah, I did. How's it going? It's not good, man. It's a three way.

It's horrible. It's so horrendous. You almost need to carry that into the next, would you rather, where you think of an equally as awful scenario. Because the hot dog thing is undesirable. It sucks. But it's not as awful. But no, no, no.

However, I perceived it as not as awful because it's not real. A dream at the time feels real. But in waking life, you can go, that was just a stupid dream. And you can talk to your shrink or whoever and you can kind of work past it. Yeah. Do you know what I mean?

So one's a reality and one is the thought of reality. It's not real. Jesus, man. So you still take a life of hot dogs? Hot dogs for life, man. Mustard and ketchup all the time. Jesus. You realize that you would just stop eating?

Oh, I'd fucking throw up all the time. You would just, you would lose so much weight. I would lose 70, 80 pounds. You would never be able to eat. Because it doesn't matter if I ate apples or carrots or pudding or kale. Hot dog. Or steak.

It's all hot dogs. It's all hot dog tastes. It's so gross. Jesus. I'd probably just start eating hot dogs. I'd be like, fuck it. I know, right? The hot dog diet?

Yeah. Terrible. What'd you take? I would take the dream just because, like I said, I can kind of go to my shrink and like undo. Tell your shrink about it. Will you tell your shrink about it? Would you rather?

Yeah. And no, ask, ask him like what? Tell her. It's a her. I know. Tell her about it and be like, what would that do to somebody psychologically? Ask her.

Every time you sleep. Yeah. Ask her what it would do. All right. I'm curious. All right. I probably would induce some kind of like trauma for sure. It's inducing trauma just considering the idea.

But it's not real. It's still traumatic. I know. It's disgusting. It's terrible. But I don't want to eat hot dogs every day all day. It's a horrible thing. They're both horrible things.

They're both horrible. There you go. All right. We covered so much. We did retarded Whitney High kids. I was against the whole practice until I heard insects. Insects is a good song. It's a good song, right?

Now I support. Hey, everybody. I support the kids of Whitney High now. Yeah. They're cute. I support them guys. Download their album. I wouldn't go that far.

Don't listen to everything. Go to all their concerts by their t-shirts. Okay. I think within the next two weeks we'll have our next announcement of a live appearance that's going to be just for our listeners. I love it. It's growing. So growing.

So many people came to Richmond. It's wonderful. It's awesome. Yeah. That's awesome. It's great. Well, go see Christina San Francisco. I'll be in Denver.

Thanks for listening to the show. Thank you for all your support. Thanks for supporting us, supporting our sponsors. We love you guys. Love you, Mommy. We thank you for listening and we'll be back here next week. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Peace, God.

Bye. This is the end. You're wondering how you were playing for the way you did be here. You're wondering now what to do. Now you know this is the end.