Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura - 131-Your Mom's House with Christina Pazsitzky and Tom Segura

Episode Date: October 17, 2016

Sometimes when you say BIG WORDS people won't hire you any more, ya'll! We visit the Paula Deen debacle and encourage all of you to deny, deny, deny when asked if you say offensive words. Poor Paula even got dropped by Diabetes, ya'll - oh DYA BEETUS! Plus we investigate other celebs who have accidentally said the N-word but they were being recorded. Their careers may surprise you! The mommies also recap their week in the Dominican Republic that was a delight with the beach, the food, and the porno, porno, porno! There's brown talk and more! Get thinner jeans for these hot summer months. 

Boom, jam jam jam. Who made this pretty song? Harrison Bose. Thank you. This song is called She Called Me A Retarded. Is it really? That's what he says, that's what it says. That's so cool, man. Yeah, I dig this stuff.

Yeah, me too, I like it. I dig the fresh beats. Mommies, do you live in the Chicago area? Well, July 11 through 14. I'll be at the Chicago Improv. We know what's there, too, by the way. Schomburg. Right, but you know what's at the Chicago Improv.

Oh, chicken asiago. Yeah, I can't believe I haven't mentioned it yet. Luke Luke. Luke Luke here. Luke Luke here. Ha ha ha. Luke invented it. That's Luke's invention, yeah.

Some of the other Improvs don't know what they're doing. They don't do it right. They don't, man. Luke has the fucking flavor, man. He really does, yeah. July 18th through 21st, the Columbus funny bone in Columbus, Ohio. H.

Oh, is that how you say it? You gotta say I, oh, you don't just say oh. Where's this from? I don't know this. That's the Ohio State cheer, you say oh, H, I. Oh, there you go. Was that right? We could work at it.

July 27th, Uptown Theater, Napa, California, with Mary Lynn. It's a monster lineup. Yeah, it's Mary Lynn Rice Cub, Lottie Love, Tammy Pescatelli and myself. Tammy Pescatelli's doing a special. She's recording a special. Yeah.

I think maybe this week, an hour special. She should have hit up her Twitter feed to find out what's going on. Cause I know they're doing like that, you know. What's it called? Where you can get free tickets. What's it called? You know what I'm saying?

They do the list. So. Yes, to get to see the tape. Yeah, yeah. So go to Tammy's Twitter feed and she's a great comic. She's also, yeah, great comic, wonderful, solid citizen. Definitely. In show business.

One of the few. Yeah, I'm a big Tammy fan. Me too, man. She's awesome. And then I'll go to August or not, right? August 1st through 4th, Omaha, funny bone, Omaha, Nebraska. Yeah.

I've never been to Omaha have you. I have not. I've heard a lot of good things about that club though. Really? I'm excited. You know what I have gotten are boxes of Omaha steaks. And I really appreciate that. Yeah.

Nebraska has great steaks and corn. Great hot dogs, pork chops. Sure. Top buddy. What you got? You done? I'm done. All right.

Come see the God. I'll be in West Palm Beach. Okay. July 5th through 7th. At the Palm Beach, improv. And the 11th through 14th. I will be at the Hartford Funny Bone in Hartford, Connecticut.

Actually, it's outside of Hartford, but that's what they call it. I think it's in Manchester. All these places, they just use the name. Right, right. But then they're not in that bar town. And then the next, where am I next? The Toledo Funny Bone,

which is probably in like a suburb of Toledo. I'm there. That's in Omaha. July 18th through 21, I'm in Toledo. So come see the G-O-D and I will spit science on. I like that Toledo one. I've been there, I featured there when it was snowing, snowing, snowing.

And they have that fat fish blue connected to it. So there's all kinds of good food. And by the way, we want to announce our next cities, but we can't because we have to have it signed, sealed and delivered. You know what I mean? We can't announce it and then have it, you know. Backfire.

Yeah, yeah. So we're just waiting on a contract to get signed. That's so exciting. Yeah, we're really excited to do this. I can't wait to meet the new mommies. And then I lick her clit like this. Don't always eat it. And then I lick her clit like this.

I don't lick when you do that. I find the clit like this. Stop it. Why do you like that one so much? Because it makes you so upset. Why does it make you so upset? Because it's a retarded person talking about sexual. But it's irrational how upset you get about it.

Because he's an innocent. But he's not retarded. He's an actor. That's why it bothers me even more. Why? It's a regular guy. Because they're like putting that on a retarded person. Like retarded people would never fight.

Have you known retarded people? They don't talk like that. They don't say those awful things. I feel like your reaction to this is just there's no. Because I'm a woman and I have that body part. And I imagine like a retarded guy. It's an actor in a movie saying it like that. Why is it so upsetting?

It's called suspension of disbelief. I can't believe that the guy is really retarded in the moment. That's what watching movies is all about. But now you know he's not retarded. Who is it? Sean Penn? No, no. It's not Sam I Am.

You lick it like that. Aw. I hate it so much. I don't like it. I don't like it. By the way, good God has the feedback from the Fit Simmons episode just been explosive. I haven't even read it. Do you know that I am so mortified at that episode?

I refuse to even look at my Twitter feed. Babe, you gotta look. People love the episode. This is probably the most number of times I've seen best episode. People really, really like it. Terrible. Well, I'm just telling you. I lied once I looked.

And this guy was like, your jeans were all the way down on that one around our ankles. I think it was a phrase, but it was a really unique episode. It was really fun. Listen to it. If you haven't yet, it's basically where I, both of us got bamboozled by Greg Fit Simmons. Bamboozled to sharing too much. Well, he did it. He did it like a real pro.

A master came in here. Smooth operator samurai came in here and then a few minutes later, we were just looking for our clothes. Yep. Glass of champagne later. Man. Motherfuck. Ready to start the show?

Hell yeah. This is a big show. Yeah, yeah. Real big show. Okay. I see people like, I sometimes say what I'm thinking about them, but I don't mean it kind of thing. Nigga!

Nigga! Like that kind of, but I'm not racist and I just can't help it and I feel really guilty afterwards. Nigga! This shit is big time. Who is Randy? Don't bring anyone loving to this. No mom in the fucking stand.

Welcome. Welcome to your mom's house. With Tom Segura. Tom Sutsuru. And Christina Pajitzi. Christina Pajitzi. Welcome to your mom's house. Do you remember my Downton dance last night?

Hell, so good. I wish we could, I wish they could see your dance. I should put a video up doing the Downton dance. Let's do a divine one. Yeah. Was it like this? Very. Yeah.

You know what I'm reminding me of? The Olympics when they do the twirling of the ribbon, but in the stationary position. Oh, there's so much to cover. I mean, why don't you know where to start? We have to talk about the DR. One thing that we've been discussing is this big story. You know, we're a little behind on it because we weren't around when it dropped. The whole Paula Deen.

We tipped our hat to her with that opening clip there. A tip of the hat to you. A tip of the hat to you, Miss Deen. Miss Lady Deen. I don't know. Paula Deen has been, she's sued by a former employee suing for racial discrimination. And then in the deposition, she admitted to using the Ann word. And she said, I think she said something like, yeah.

Which Ann word? Naughty. Never. Never. New. Nincum poop. Newtons. Newtons.

Newtons. Newticles. And she said, I've said that before and then she admitted to wanting to throw, I think like a wedding reception where she wanted the servers to all be black. So have like a slave theme servers. Hilarious. So that dropped and then her world fell apart. Wait, so let's clarify just so we can get through this.

So somebody's giving a deposition. She is. As part of the deposition for the racial discrimination lawsuit. Gotcha. So one of her former employees who is like, is black. She's a racist. And I felt, you know, I felt whatever. A little uncomfortable.

Right. Right. It's a hostile work environment. And then your lawyers sit you down. They're like, you know, it's a recorded deposition. And they're like, let's recap what type of person you are. And they're like, have you ever said the N word? And she was like, I made a couple of times, I guess.

I mean, whenever I see them. Whenever I'm just filled with hate, which I normally am, a lot of me and biscuits in the morning, I butter them with the end. Sometimes you can't help yourself. Sometimes they just come out, you know, you just say what you feel. But yeah, I've said it one or twice. Well, here's the thing. If you're in a deposition and someone's like, do you use the word, the N word?

You know what you say? What's the answer? What is the answer? Tell me. No. Yeah. Always. Always no.

Like you don't. You go, is there a recording of it? Me saying it? No. No. Those are evidence of me saying that ever. Do you have a recording right there of me saying it? Yeah.

No. Why would you? Who admits to? Just say no, dude. Can I tell you? That's the biggest point. Here's why she admitted to saying it because she didn't think it was that big of a deal. That's the problem.

That's the problem. That's why she was like, yeah, I mean, I've said it. Yeah. And therein lies the entire. Yeah. Right now, the lesson is lie about certain things. Dummy. Yeah.

You're right. But she doesn't know that it's so, so inappropriate to say it. It's so offensive. You don't say that. Yeah. That's just, you know, it's just one of those, you know. Big words. You know what I mean?

So a lot has gone down for her. She apologized. Well, she was supposed to appear on the Today Show earlier this week on Monday and she couldn't. Why, y'all? I can't understand. Why don't you let her tell you? Her sales. Hello, y'all.

I'm Paula Dean. I was invited this morning to speak with Matt Lauer about a subject that has been very hurtful for a lot of people. And Matt, I have to say, I was physically not able this morning. The pain has been tremendous that I have caused to myself and to others. And so I'm taking this opportunity now that I've pulled myself together and am able to speak to offer an apology to those that I have hurt. I want people to understand. What? That there are blacks that you just have to say it for.

I did it. What I said. Big words. I said, mmm, and then the eager just came out right after. I was saying, mmm, that looks bigger, but I stopped. I said, mmm, and I said, eh, and I said, eager. So just a stream of words that came out. Hey, do you know how to start a really sincere apology on the Internet?

Hey, y'all, it's Paula Dean. Is that how you open? It's such a bad, you know what? This is somebody who didn't hire the crisis, like the crisis people who are like, this is a disaster. You fucked up. Yeah. You have a lot of money. Pay the people to teach you how to do this right.

Don't be like, I'm gonna set up my iPhone and say, hey, y'all, I don't know if you're cooking breakfast right now, but you may have heard that I said a couple of words you might not like. Well, that's kind of in the way that she phrases it have caused pain on myself and it's still very not sincere. It's the wrong language. That's what you need the language to be direct. Well, it's bullshit language because she's obviously not sorry. It's here. It's not an apology. My family and I are not the kind of people that the press is wanting to say we are.

Rednecks. I've spent the best of 24 years. Calling people and words. To help myself and others, your color of your skin, your religion, your sexual preference does not matter to me. But it's what in the heart. What's in the heart. And my family and I try to live by that. And I am here to say I am so sorry.

I was wrong. Yes, I've worked hard and I've made mistakes. You know, that's how I worked hard and made mistakes. That's what it shows you when when somebody is this is what a bad apology is when you don't apologize directly. Right. So she goes, yes, I've been wrong. Right. Made mistakes.

I've worked hard and I made. What are you talking about? What are you talking about? Somebody put this on didn't know the story. They'd be like, what about what? What do you do? Why are you? What are you apologizing for?

Yeah, it's vague. That's the left. Here's the here's what the lesson about these these apologies, I think you either don't apologize. Right. Or apologize profusely and directly. I agree. That's the way to do it. I agree.

These apologies, you should just not apologize. I agree. And don't you feel bad for Southerners that are a normal kind of people? I'm sure they exist. Of course. And they're like, I can't. And she makes every Southern person sound like an inbred retard Hillbilly. But that is no excuse.

No excuse. All right. No excuse for what? Kind of reminds you of another woman a few years ago. Nigger, nigger, nigger is what you hear on HB. Why don't you let me finish a sentence? Okay. Don't take things out of context.

You know what? If you're that hypersensitive about color and don't have a sense of humor, don't marry out of your race. And to put it in its context, she said the N word. And I said on HBO listening to black comics, you hear nigger, nigger, nigger. I didn't call anybody a nigger. Need a sense of humor. Big words.

Wait, what is having a sense of humor have to do with calling someone the n bomb? It's not funny at all. Because she tagged her shit was like, just get a sense of humor. Right. Well, this is, we played a much more short cut down version of that. But Dr. Laura, this is what got her fired from terrestrial radio. These broads are losing their jobs. Rightly so.

I mean, listen, we here at your mom's house are huge proponents of freedom of speech, obviously. And we like offensive stuff. But if you choose to say offensive things, the repercussion spin, which is why you got to choose it wisely. For instance, I say content on stage because it's supposed supposedly an offensive word towards women. I can say that.

You know who can say the n bomb? Black comics. That's it. Right. And black people, right? They can say. A lot of black people are not fans of it. Of course.

I mean, like amongst themselves. Yeah. I know black people who are like, yeah, I don't say that. I don't find it amusing or funny. But I'm saying coming from other black people. Right. Right. But again, that's a debate that they're allowed to have in their own community.

Of course. That's not even our debate. Yeah. My favorite though is Paula Dean is like, hey, is, didn't it come from the really funny, funny idea to have a slave party? Yeah. Well, that's part of what came out in the deposition is that she was like, let's have a dinner. I think it was like a reception for a wedding that she was like, let's have all black servers

wear white coats. So it's like back in the slave days. And everyone was like, Paula. Big words. Paula. What a funny, fun idea. Yeah. To mock human suffering.

Here's what's happened to her since. Let's have a holocaust party. Why don't we? Come on, Paula. We'll get real skinny servers and we'll get them kind of loose, big clothing. Looks like that lost a lot of weight. Put them in a big shower and I'll be naked. It'd be proper German shepherds running chasing them all around.

Run can be a Nazi. If they want, they can wear a Nazi costume. So here's what's happened to Paula since this went down. Food Network is not renewing her contract and she's a big star. So they're like, nope. She lost a couple of her sponsors, like she's a spokesperson. And then she got dropped by diabetes. Oh, no.

No, not diabetes. Yes. Diabetes. They dropped her today. And that was her milk money. That was her gravy train. That's a new one. Fat pig.

She can do that. That's a new one. She came out and said, she was like, oh yeah, I make all this fatter than shit food for you. And by the way, I have diabetes. Right. That's what I'm saying. It was a perfect marriage.

It was. Well, she lost a bunch of weight. She lost a lot of weight after she was like, I have it. I got the sugar. Oh, Paula. We all feel the same way about this. Unfortunately, Paula. You made my pussy dry.

Right? Absolutely. Did you feel dry when you're here? It's so bad. It's such a bad choice. It's so stupid. Yeah. So yeah.

Dr. Laura did that and she lost her radio job. Paula Deen. It's going to devastate Paula. It is devastating. Oh, and then furthermore, this is the stuff you haven't heard yet. She did the Today Show. The one that she missed. Matt Lauer.

I went on Lauer Show. And I like how she has the name drop in her apology video too. I couldn't go on the Today Show with Matt Lauer because I'm so excited. Like, why are you? So today she went back. It was a today or yesterday. And she, well, she did the interview that she was supposed to do four or five days ago. Okay.

Made a shock. Still? Somewhat, yes, because there's been some very, very hurtful lines said about me. I want to get to specifics in a second, Paula, that the difference between Friday and now is really on the business side of things. Yes, yes. Food Network. Let me just say Food Network says no more.

Smithfield Foods said they're severing ties with you. QVC, a big partner of yours, is weighing their options. Do you think you've been treated fairly by your business partners? Let me say this. Before we even get into that, the main reason I am here today, Matt, is it's important to me that I tell you and everyone out there how what I believe and how I live my life. I believe that every creature on this earth, every one of God's creatures was created equal. Except for?

No matter who you choose to go to bed at night with, no matter what church you go to pray. I believe that everyone should be treated equal. And that's the way I was raised. And that's the way I live my life. One of the headlines I wrote Paula. And so I love this is so great because he's trying to be so much more direct because she's being this bull shit and this vague soft like let's talk about your business stuff. I thank God's creatures are all equal to lay for that sweetheart.

I think that we're all about your slave party. Let's talk about that. Yeah. I said millions of dollars at stake for Paula Dean in today's show interview. So are you here to express what you just said or are you here to stop the financial bleeding? I am here today because I want people to know who I am and people that have worked beside me have walked beside me know what kind of person I am.

And I'm so distressed that people I've never heard of are all of a sudden experts on who I am. And you know what distresses me the very most mad at their words are being given weight. Well they're having an impact. Paula let's stay on the business side for a second. Do you think you've been treated fairly by the companies that have now distanced themselves from you. You are a cook but you're also a business woman.

You're the head of a brand. You understand the bottom line. You understand image. Yes. In the same circumstances with you have fired you. What I have fired me knowing me know I'm very lucky in this aspect Matt I'm so fortunate that so many of my partners that know who I am have decided to stand by me QVC has not dropped me.

They say they're weighing their options. So there's there's only two that has dropped me. And I am so very thankful for the partners that I have that believe in. Right now as we sit here it seems to me an informal jury of your peers and your fans and your critics and your business associates are weighing the question is Paula being a racist. So I'll ask it to you bluntly. Are you a racist.

No. No I'm not. Birth by choice by osmosis you don't feel you have racist tendencies. No. As a child I was raised in a hole this is here we're going to go here and go that my father tolerated tolerates he would tolerate maybe me breaking a curfew but he told me he said girl if I ever find out that you have behaved in a way where you think you're better than others or have been unkind your butt is going to be mine.

All right but you raised your right hand yes and you swore under oath yes that you have used a word that is the most offensive word you can use to describe an African-American and you've talked about this wedding this wedding you wanted to plan that plantation style wedding whether you use the n-word or not so how does someone use the n-word whether in anger or in a joke or in private the most offensive word to African-Americans and not be considered a racist yes the day I use that word it was the day I use that word. I think wouldn't you say that I would think the n-bomb to be the most offensive word in English language I think to Americans yeah yes pretty much over not just African ones

all of us it's pretty real it's a jarring thing it's one of those you know words that you hear and you're like whoa do you know what I do is that if Matt Lauer's like are you a racist just say yeah just be like yeah you know what I am and then because there are people they'll be like fuck yeah Paula I'm on board too and then she can start a whole new business with people she would definitely just like her yeah she would definitely get some fans let's see why are you lying about it then just it was 30 years ago 30 years ago I should remember a gun a shaking gun because the man that had the gun to my head unbeknowing to me was my customer at the main office didn't you also know that you used the

word on other occasions no no so you have other than that one time in the bank a robbery attempt you're telling me you have never used I have never I mean there you go she's smartened up like nope one time yeah dummy did she call the robber is that what she's claiming she's she's saying that's the time so I don't know wait a minute but someone has a gun to your head you don't call them I think she's I think maybe what she's implying is that I said it about this guy who put a gun to my head that's what she's saying I think he asked me in all of my 66 years on earth had I ever used it that man was so frightened that day he put the gun to my head because he was a customer at the main office he was later called and I had gone out on a limb for him and gotten him alone and he

was frightened that I was going to recognize that you were asked in that deposition whether you would use the n-word on other occasions and said probably or of course are inaccurate no I answered the question truthfully so you have never used the n-word other than that one occasion no it's just not it's just not a part of it's just not a part of who we are let me all right well why you're done with it yeah yeah I don't want to keep you're over it yeah yeah yeah that's all I mean the line of question tell me the time that you said it's just it's that's it that's just court system nonsense but it's Matt Lauer just being like so what just to recap right can you name all the times you've said the n-word can you can you break it down how much time do you have yeah and

then I was saying swears like nigger and stuff big words he should have had her on the show tell me how many times you've dropped it oh it's it it's so silly in a way I mean look if she's a racist which I'm probably guessing yeah maybe you think she is yeah here's the thing do you and I throw it about no like not really it's not really part of our vernacular really no I mean like as comics we've said it's other comedians as part of jokes yeah I mean I've said it prominently in a joke that's right on television and on your cd yeah I said on a comedy central half hour but within a context the context was the comparison to the word midget right right so that's the context yeah man I mean that that part that part does hold weight like I do think the Dr. Laura thing

is that let's talk about her I love her so much yeah the thing about her is that she was telling she just chose to say it instead of saying n-word that caller when she said it the caller was telling her like oh you know I'm black my husband's white and my husband's friends are making me uncomfortable and then they always asking me black questions and then you know what do you think of the n-word and Dr. Laura was like well depends how it's said she goes you know you've turned on HBO black comics drop it all the time but she said you know she said it and that's what the listener took offense to that she's actually saying the word but she goes yeah but I'm not saying it to you I'm saying that comics say it do you understand what I'm saying yeah yeah right right

right so she had a point but I think of the fact that she just kept saying it over and over and over on the air is what people were like Jesus well because at some point it does become a gratuitous it does become antagonistic right she was doing it to a black caller to elicit a response right you know listen Dr. Laura I just started listening to her two months ago on XM radio yeah and she's discussed this incident and apparently oh yeah listen I listen to this broad so much now I'm obsessed because first of all her ideas are so fucking retarded on so many levels you know she advocates going back to the 1950s socially essentially like so you listen to her for a laugh for a giggle for a gut busting laugh absolutely now is she completely off her nut on everything

no I do like a lot of old school American values so I like some of what she says but the point being Dr. Laura has referenced this as being the incident that made her go to Sirius XM because she's like I got so much heat essentially from that like so much hate mail yeah poured in and it was so much drama that it took her off terrestrial radio and she went went and made a deal with Sirius XM now that's how much it affected her career which should give you an indication like it should tell you as a public person you may not want to drop yeah and then keep in mind there's a we have recordings of Dr. Laura yeah right she's actually it's there it's her right Paul Dean's just like admitting to it right that's the right you know what I can't very big difference

do you know what I can't wait for what is because you know her and Oprah used to be but buddies oh yeah is is Oprah going to interview her opo do you think how you have things been different for you Paula well Oprah it's a world of difference I don't know what is the difference Paula sorry I interrupted you well you know just can't I just don't associate so much with your kinds no more I don't have them over here as much as I used to it's been so hard to find the help I took Chitlin's off the menu if you know what I mean do you think but I don't know if Oprah would even interview her because no I don't know I don't know what I mean I think that you know she probably liked Paula as like for that personality yeah and now she's southern and so is Oprah I love the

south southern people so I don't know it's interesting to see you know I just like watching it's a fun show to I'm saying like the the scandal is fun to watch these things are fun it's fun to watch people tread water and try it and they're like what what what what I meant to say was I love watching this well we were we were in dr when the story broke and our internet connection wasn't that great but I just got to see some vague headlines and it really filled my heart with joy to know that Paula Dean's going through oh yeah this debacle oh yeah did you see you had a sense of humor about it you guys did you see Bill Burr on on Conan talking about it no you got to hear this let me see if I can pull this up for you um yeah uh Bill Burr went on Conan to discuss uh

Paula Dean it feels so good Jesus of course he's fantastic I mean but everything he he always has an angle on these current event things it's just so funny man so good here he is Paula Dean might be like next door that's a very strange situation she's in right now now that the hammer came down because now it's like all right the executive's got to be like all right what is the because she's basically like a hundred million dollar whale just sitting there that's not a fat joke that's a gambling thing all right that's a gambling joke I mean like she'll make you a hundred million dollars and she's just sitting there on the beach right and they're gonna figure out when is the what is the acceptable amount of time yes after somebody drops the n-word or admits to it that you can

bring them back on tv to make cookies yeah so you're saying she's gonna be back you're saying she's coming back she's making dude dog the bounty hunter I looked it up three months three months you got a three month suspension and within three months he was back on tv and some of the guys he was chasing were african-american and nobody had a problem with so really weird situation what you're saying is they can't they can't some of one of these situations they say oh my god I'm so sorry everybody says we want nothing to do with you dog the bounty hunter I remember was insane because he was like threatening the kid his own son was dating a black girl and there's recordings of him not just dropping it in the most offensive like he was it was outrageous does he still have a tv show

yes yes so bill's right about that I mean oh god let's see uh dog the bounty hunter let's see if I can pull this up his stuff but dog dog and dogs not defense but rash like reasoning he's he works with street people he works in a really tough like prison-y environment people drop all kinds of shit I'm not taking a chance on some motherfucker out here she's a mexican or whatever it's not because she's black it's because we use the word nigger sometimes here I'm not gonna take a chance ever in life I'll lose in everything I've worked for for 30 years because I'm fucking nigger her to say nigger and turn this into the inquire magazine odd career goes over and that's the actual fucking audio that gets people get the and they're like you can still do your show the irony that's

crazy wow that's crazy so three months and dog came back huh three months man that is because I remember now that I think about it do you know when this happened yeah I can almost swear that I get it right and this is why I think I was doing jokes about it at the Tampa improv I think it was the week after we got engaged yeah maybe because I made jokes about him and I was like really the guy with the sleeveless leather vest and like colored like ribbons and his ponytails mad max drops and bombs that's I would never in a million years believe that like I remember making that joke and at that Tampa improv but do you love his reasoning if you listen to the reasoning yeah he's like listen we love saying this word yes yeah you're gonna bring someone over who's gonna get offended and

then we can't say that word I love that word that's his whole problem yeah that's not he's not hating on the girl for being black yeah yeah just that we can't use our fun word anymore guys that's hilarious and then the clock is running no first well first what happens is you get caught and then you have the people who are like professionally like outraged you know those people get on they can't even get it out what kind of a person oh shit billy bird so funny it's I mean look we've heard people drop it in comedy world never yeah here's the thing that people don't understand though about comics necessarily is that comics not on stage off stage like to say things to anybody yeah to elicit reactions right right comics say it because it's taboo it's supposed

to right it's funny it's the idea of like oh did you say that and that's how comics say it and they say it in conversation and it's like it's like a you know there's they're just seeing if you'll react to it who's gonna it's like that game of chicken like who flinches yeah and that's an emotional chicken you know they'll cash and they'll act like it's casual to seem right like it's even you know more to get even a bigger reaction like you know and that's why I told that cunt to you know wipe up her cunt I guess but I guess it is the intent behind it is you have to yeah yeah the intent is really what matters this is pretty direct though right I'm not taking that chance at all taking the never in life never never his son here's how much of a piece of shit this guy's

gonna be his son recorded this and his son turned it in oh yeah yeah to fucking do that to your dad the fuck he must really hate his day must really hate his dad is it one of the sons that's on the show with them guess what guess what what this is uploaded November 7 2007 oh my god we got engaged November 8th so my prediction of that week is correct wait jeans though which son is it is it the son that still works with him and the family I have no idea I mean that you think that's one way to get out of the dog family it's incredible that sucks that this one's way way crazier than Paula Dean or dr. Laura it's way crazier because it's it's blatantly he's like I love saying this word please don't let me this is this is a huge we're talking about intent and context and all

that this is a guy who's straight up like I hate these motherfuckers right yeah and I want to be able to say that shit but I think your joke being that like oh but you expect him because he looks like that and yeah yeah yeah well you look at him and you're like if you if you were looking at this guy you're like you think this guy drops m bomb and you didn't know who he was you'd be like I think that guy wakes up to him yeah yeah yeah for sure he has some of his orange juice and his eggs in the morning absolutely Jesus well because I think my family is super inappropriate my stepdad being Indian my mother being Hungarian I had three Indian stepsisters where like I feel like we threw around awful things all the time yeah again never in hate never in yeah my mother called my stepfather

a towel head you fucking rag head towel head take your laundry off your head motherfucker and then you know he went oh you got your big titties whatever but I mean you know he wasn't like you're horrible like those those the relationship yeah it's different yeah I mean my dad says stuff all the time that like I know is a joke but he's doing it to see if I'll laugh like you know like whatever we're driving by you know he's like you want to go to this chopstick joint here see if there's any right pops out of a rice paddy and I'm like Jesus man and he goes ah come on come on that was a joke like he's saying it to right he's saying it to see if I'll laugh of course you know just to play inappropriate yeah yeah it's it's to be for the sake of being inappropriate I don't

know it's always complicated these things because you're like you like I like the inappropriate game yeah me too from anybody I'm not talking about like just from certain people everybody yeah everybody does that by the way yeah of course I just wish there were a word for white people as equally awful yeah it would have to be more offensive but it just seems so unfair like there's only one awful thing and there's nothing equivalent for whitey yet I mean there's cracker yeah what is there I mean peckerhead there's a lot of wood hate sometimes when people say it but it still doesn't sting as bad it's not as good crackers yeah like that's all right peckerwood wait what else is there honky oh remember that that's sketches Richard Pryor yeah and Chevy Chase they

did it they did and Chevy Chase drops and bomb there's like really nothing else to go after that I think that's what they're like going different yeah yeah he's like peckerwood you know yeah darky fella and then he says n-word and that's it which n-word dead peckerwood or something he says back which n-word nancy which which n-word big words yeah but dr. Laura that really fucked her man big time big time big time if there's anything we want you to take away from this it's say you didn't say it yeah deny it man what's wrong with you if there's not a recording you didn't say it if there is a recording you say I was playing the inappropriate game with somebody that's how we do it or you just say I'm a huge racist I'm just admit to it yeah but then your

your shit's done right if you admit she her shit's already kind of done she's she's salvaging I think you can pull it out of the oven now dain I think she'll be back she will like Bill Burr said yeah yeah she'll be not over because I'm trying to think in show business she is this cash cow he's right she's a she's a cash cow and there's also a lot of fans still there's very few things you can do to asshole your way out of the business if you're that successful look at Charlie sheen yeah bipolar junkie wife beater also has left his wife a voicemail that's out there and he drops an n-bomber Charlie sheen Charlie sheen I swear to god okay but the point being what how did they how did show business punish him they gave him another sitcom so

uh it doesn't last very long no remember mel Gibson too doesn't he drop an n-bomber or jew he calls uh he calls a police officer a kayak or something like that no he um he says I think mel Gibson does it yeah god they all mel Gibson dropped it and if you're talking about if you don't answer the phone and if you don't have to talk to current for the air with all price you're not there too with me you're just you're not going to honest if it has to have sex right like this I just gotta stop being disappointed by that because that's just how I like to do and uh I guess we're trying to shut that off first I just like to say

it sucks to hangers so whatever I think I'm mad you're closing a phone call okay could it gain if I put the phone in the channel I think it's not going to be good all right so whatever I didn't even hear him say it yeah okay see oh my god that's a fucking voicemail to his ex-wife right and that yeah didn't get as much vitriol nothing and there's a recording right there is a recording of that let's let's think about this so what about Paula Dean is so hateful why do we want her crucified part of it is that she's southern and old and they're like oh you're

just an old southern race like like it's confirming what we already wanted to believe about you you see her and you go that's a racist that's the old school racist some savannah georgia and she's confirming that she's admitting to it right so it's the dream the fantasy come true and we're all applauding like yeah we knew it this guy is you fucking yes I mean this is yes and he's got a new tv show because of it the warlock came back he toured but that speaks more to bill burr's point if you generate a certain amount of money that's right that's where the permission goes doesn't matter gipson is hundreds of millions of dollars so people have written them off but still if he wants to make a movie this shit's gonna go it's so crazy yeah it is all

about the the dollar of course isn't that crazy that's really what this is that's what we just discovered unbelievable it's the dollar amount of course man god damn trolley shane is insane yeah he's a real piece of shit because if he were just a civilian if he didn't you know play make believe for a living this guy would be in prison long ago because for beating up now denise richards and then the wife before i don't know how many people yeah he's been uh he's a junkie and they keep putting him in the aspen rehabs and stuff the the judges sent him to these highfalutin places i guess what if he weren't a celebrity his ass will be in jail yeah that's true wish they would yeah it's crazy so we haven't talked about that we were in uh

in uh how much fun ask our resort you can have all the food and all the drink and most importantly all the porno you want wait eight eight a.m we're watching porno then you have lunch yes but after lunch maybe another porno and then after the other porno porno discussion time talk about what you like about the porno what you don't like about the porno and then you have your dinner and then you watch maybe one more porno then you go to bed do you like you have to ejaculate before dinner and they have many different genres of porno maybe we should explain this we were in a beautiful dr outside of punta cana

uh in an area called ubero alto beautiful beautiful beach beautiful kindest nice brown people beautiful brown men looking very Puerto Rican looking very handsome a lot of them named Juan Carlos or John Carlos or some variant handsome boys all right i was a little taken aback by the one who was not only dark like you like but also had light eyes i was like this guy John Carlos i remember his name i think it was John Carlos i was like this dude crushes love it crushes tail here he was like dark dark and had like bright eyes i was like shit imagine when he slings his dick around this neighborhood what happens what a room service maybe he'll deliver but the best part of this resort so it was very

secluded which was nice off the beaten path there were like no 20 year old kids doing shots and no children sliding down water so it was very nice uh the highlight of it for us was that we went into our beautiful clean air conditioned room turned on the television not only do we get hbo we got channel 96 which was hardcore hard for fame hard hard and not just spice channel level it was full dps full you know black guy white girl multiple inputs what you see like if you what you search for online except on your television really changed our opinion like watching on tv is way better right you you so we were on the beach and you mentioned you're like you know i forgot the pleasures of watching porno on television yeah and i can't agree with you more

i gotta hook up that thing so that we can watch uh our our laptop on the tv we can we can set that up you can watch porno on tv all the time it's fantastic it is fantastic yeah when you remember we used to watch dvds before you know and that was really special to see something just like videotapes you know yeah yeah uh so that was fun welcome to republican dominicana we have all the porn you like it's so great that they were just like just put that shit in every room man you let these people watch porno but the best part is that some people didn't get porno right they're like it's scrambled right and i was like what do you mean they're like you get to see it i was like oh all day yeah man we put it on every time we go to the room

and this guy was like hold on i was seeing like snow like i could see what was there and i was like no we have the channel and the best is that those guys were kind of dad bonery like they were like the total khaki like you know like the dads yeah and they we were drinking peña coladas and they're like what you guys got the channel we're like oh yeah man yeah just pay for that and i was like no i'm free just dicks out all the time all inclusive porno included i mean there was dps there was gang bangs there was two girls and a guy two guys and a girl right some school stuff yeah interracial porn uh we got what did you tell me you know you you thoughtfully shared with me uh i didn't know these things what's the term when all the holes are plugged

oh that's airtight air tight yes but i also taught you about that that's a job breaker i i didn't know a job breaker is an industry term for when a girl puts the dong in her mouth and you can see it through her cheek like you you can you push your tongue through your cheek all right well they do that with a dong it's called a job breaker you know what i like best about our marriage learning sharing and learning yeah i mean i have this bookcase full of kierkegaard and niches and jump pulsar dick i'll make you slap somebody in the face and it's like we we have a free exchange of ideas in our relationship right right i tell you about existentialism and you tell me about what a job breaker is yeah so we're we're each bringing our expertise to the

table in our relationship it's kind of what a marriage is based on yeah it's a great example of how to lead a happy life and have a great marriage so porno and my favorite part of porno in the room is that whenever my husband would order room service in the background we would play loud porno or if the housekeeper was knocking on the door loud porno she made she scared me that a couple times what do you mean we spent your smurf day in dr that's right listeners that was nice that was really nice very special i got a nice cake made by the chef he made a tracelay chase it was a great time that was a great can i tell you i mean three milks three different milks y'all and the blacks can drink it too um there's something so great so great about

any vacation you can take yeah vacation just it doesn't matter if you do a staycation whether you drive to the next town or whether you leave the country it's something that everybody deserves to do is take a week off from i don't care what your career is what your job is you have to look into doing this plan ahead and go you know and that's why i encourage i always tell people you got to get if you have a credit card that you use and you're not you getting some type of reward system please do that because if it's money you were going to spend anyways you might as well get something extra out of it you can call like if you have like a visa or master card and you can call the bank on it and if you're like you can just say hey can i upgrade this to

it's not even an upgrade you can just say is there an affiliate program with an airline or a hotel and then every time you use that and i'm not saying this is not like a sponsor thing but every time you use that you get these points and over time you can use that to travel and it's great i'll tell you great we didn't pay for no ticket no it was all included yeah my dad took care of it but the thing is now with the plane ticket was from our from miles yeah is that uh when you look back on your life i don't remember uh my weekend to leto ohio performing necessarily i don't remember these things what i do remember is being on the beach with my husband right these are your real memories talking about watching porno on channel 96 it after

put on 96 watch a little porno maybe a guy put something in your anus and then you come back down to the beach and you have a nice swim and then you go watching my porno do you think maria was like the dominicans oh yeah she she told me today i told her she was like how was your trip there i was like it was great and she goes i guess dirty and disgusting i she goes i guess everybody that's dirty gets sent out of that country to come work for the restaurants in new york and i go i was like jesus she if she were paul adaine she would be fucking fired in a second they're so sweet though the dominicans were so kind of course they are and uh we saw didn't she say this here hold on you worked in a number of i'm glad place the last place that i

know in new york that you worked at and haven't on the green when there's a lot of dominicans and porto rican's working under you at that one was that that oh my god no thankfully no oh my god no thankfully no okay okay uh they're dirty and disgusting but you know we did see so uh this was a couples only place and um you know we love to we we would speculate on different couples before oh it's the most fun yeah that's one of my greatest memories of this vacation is gonna be talking about people just judging them yeah like where are they from what do they do what's the story yeah so there was a one couple this remember we were in they were in like the the

jacuzzi area that spa area and you said that you saw a guy and a girl the girl was much younger than him and they got out of the spa and she toweled him off she toweled he sat there fully capable he had arms and hands and then she was like i'ma drop your back daddy and then he he had some on his chest still so he cocked his head back to expose it like to show her and then she dried off his chest and stuff too like a toddler dude it was so i was like this dude this is like i felt like this was done for show this is for like for us right and it was like watch how this what you know i don't you know i don't towel myself off god forbid yeah and i missed it my back was turned and then i was amazing you were like oh my god this guy just got her to tell

him yeah it was like oh shit that's your job we we speculated that that was um hey i brought you here bitch so right you gotta do shit like tell me i'm gonna fill you up until you shut all week that's the reason for this shit bitch i don't care if there's sand in your cooch what it was is i'm taking a dr how's that sound great we're gonna towel my shit off and drain my nuts okay tell me shit off drain these nuts yep also we saw uh there is this awesome we were we were saying to pull with those dads uh with the khaki crew and then uh we look over on the beach and we see this like young couple from detroit and they're taking really provocative like couples pictures it was like they're in their bathing suits and you know like there's a photographer and we're

like oh maybe this is like their wedding whatever and then the positions get more and more provocative like she's super uncomfortable on top of him on the beach public yes and then they're standing and then he's lifting one of her legs they were in sex because they were doing porno stills right but just with bathing suits yes it was like a comma her leg wrapped around him like him holding it and him basically inside of her right that's what it looks like for my distance and then she lays flat on the beach yeah and he plays him where his dick is but between her butt cheeks like folks like that and then they switch shots and a lot of like i mean what blue steel kind of looks a lot of eye contact oh my god unbelievable so the best part of that is we were

we were like Tommy and me and then these like strangers essentially these other men at the pool you know when you unite you bond with strangers over making fun of somebody else that's what happened like we saw this and this ridiculousness and then we all drank and laughed from a distance yeah so now the next day i'm in like the computer room trying to check email and i look and it's the photographer and it's his portfolio book and i open it up and i call you over and it was like it was all collection of those exact photos yes and that was his mo we put it together that the photography we thought that like this girl and this guy right so vain and so into themselves they're like take photos of us doing these poses because that's what it looks like

it looks like they're going now we're going to do this pose that's what we're like oh my god and then you see that the photo book was all that and we're like oh so what it is they direct every couple to do each and every one of these right which are wildly inappropriate wildly ridiculous poses that i don't know how you could look at and not laugh at yourself or how you could seriously hang one of those up like they're so ridiculous you cannot hang up i can't hang in your living room yeah and you're like oh mom and dad this is one Carrie and i were watching on the beach and it's been a republic and we were about to shoot a porno and then um we were watching a lot of porno channel 96 and then we shot these pictures

this is so inappropriate it's ridiculous so trashy so tom and i were like oh we should do these because first of all you and i were the fattest people at this resort even even the people that were older we were the 45 year old and 50 there may have been a fat lesbian couple very fat you're right those pigs were definitely right they outpigged us yeah a little but we were ordering like the portions at this place were were rational very yeah very like normal sized portions and we were like just keep them coming like we were well there was an appetizer one day that was there like because it was all inclusive right and they're like yeah give me more sushi appetizer and then there's i'll go i'll take the sushi appetizer and they brought out three little

come on now piece three i mean you talk about how i surely myself at sushi joint right you can imagine when they brought out the three i was like you can go ahead and double up on this man you can bring out another one he's like oh okay i wanted to be like why don't you bring it out four more times i know because we totally did but no we didn't do that too bad there though we didn't i don't think we did that do we a few times i felt like i did but i felt safe for doing it because that the room service was also all included yeah so we didn't it's amazing so that's the best part if you really want to be a pig you just order it to the room and that way your shame is only between you and the guy that delivers it yeah and then you just give him a few bucks and he

forgets about it yeah yeah and you cry yourself to sleep now here's a really neat update i don't know if you want to do the brown talk um you're just gonna drop it on me like that like i don't know if you're gonna do the brown talk all right next up brown talk brown talk coming up you've been warned so uh interesting you know my friend eric texted me he's like oh you're going to dr yeah good luck diarrhea city mm-hmm proud to report guys not one bout of diarrhea between the two of us not even close not even a loose one not even a loose stool yeah i had some cramping on the ride back to the airport where i thought i had one oh that's right i had one too many glasses of passion fruit juice because that's my favorite taste in the world yeah i asked for two glasses

and then i thought oh dear i'm gonna pay the price i shouldn't have had that second glass is what you thought is that what you thought but you know when you're in another country and you're like oh fuck this is a third world shit of course to take and i know that it's a third world shit and so i'm in this car ride with you on the taxi on the way back to the airport and i'm like just please and now you have to breathe and focus and breathe and calm myself down that i wasn't gonna shit in my pants and you know what i didn't i held it and then i shit at the airport yeah and was it it wasn't a diarrhea it wasn't a diarrhea i'm real proud of you thank you it was uh it was it wasn't loose it was just quick you know it was it was the it was ready to go it was knocking on

the door uh uh huh now the interesting thing too is i made a bad mistake on the flight there yeah we took a red eye and i ate a lot of chips and salsa i remember and i try i remember we were uh sitting in that lounge waiting for our flight and i go i says to you i says baby you were about to eat something i go i says do you remember south africa remember the right because i started yep and you go i sure do remember throwing out those panties on the plane so i'm very happy to report that i had some really bad smelling farts on the way there but i never had diarrhea neither did tom that's true but your farts didn't smell very nice um yeah that's true we had a great time that's a great fucking trip you know what it was good

and i i think having time off really gives you perspective on life you realize that not everything is as as important as it seems i want to be grateful right now i want to be thankful and grateful to um our listeners yeah um we really appreciate you guys this is so it's so much fun to do this show and um just really you know i missed you i feel like i missed i did we even miss them i miss them we took care of our great um our great intern erin yes thank you um took care of uploading the episodes because i was like look we're going to dr there might not be a real good upload speed and there wasn't yeah so thank god um but thank you erin but yeah we just have an awesome we have an awesome uh listenership our audience is just great we appreciate the shit

out of you guys somebody i wanted to play this um i'm sorry what happened was i i pulled this we were going to play it before we left and we didn't get a chance to okay and i think so because that i don't know who to how to um give credit but i think it may be a youtube thing okay i think it's either a youtube thing or it's an audiophile but somebody put put this together which i thought was fantastic i think it's a oh homage to top dog part of enjoying life yeah is to make the most out of everything that you do you see lions out in the serengeti when they stake out their territory you know what they're sent is what i do anytime i start blowing farts you know 30 minutes later i'll be dropping one in did you just fart did you just fart your hand this was a real squirter

drop my load just chill and take a dump he's the opera of shitting absolutely kind of the dr oz of the radio network you know the wipes people use to clean like their countertops industrial strength always use the handicaps don't hard to hold your cheeks together when you're walking downstairs the cheeks don't stay closed on the butt the toilet seat covers work great it did the job you gave me great advice on how to wipe if you wipe too hard i got you to get dingberries you need to wipe down wipe down wipe down that is amazing that is so good my stomach hurts from laughing so that was so good oh my god and i like i said i feel terrible not being able to give credit to whoever we gotta find we'll find out we'll find out so if it's you i'm sorry it's honest mistake i

really don't know but that is fan fucking task i can hear that 10 more times and laugh just as hard we'll play it again for sure um may i read this letter from an uh yeah from a listener since we're on the brown brown path right now sure this is an email we got a while back eric from st louis writes um i'm excited to report a wonderful discovery i recently made i am a truck driver who unloads his own freight one morning while unloading the urge hit me hurrying to the bathroom i left my weight belt on while i sat down let me tell you that weight belt was as rewarding as a hug from jesus himself apparently that tightness on my abdomen i can't wait it's so funny it helps focus the power being exerted by my body

you really like this i don't know why plan makes me laugh so hard oh my god the the belt makes the bathroom experience so much more rewarding everything comes out sorry oh my god are you serious i can't i don't know why it makes me laugh because she can't finish this i'm in a second class that belt makes the bathroom experience so much more rewarding everything comes out so easily and completely i now try to use the belt as often as i can i thought the mommies would enjoy giving this a try if you don't mention this on the show please at least top let at least let top dog know every time feces easily passes through my colon i think of him jeans always high

eric from st louis holy shit eric i've never seen christina break down like this i'm crying i don't know the weight belt it's such a great idea it's so silly but it makes so much sense i know it pushes everything down that weight belt is tight is tight around your waist right giving you back support and it's squeezing you squeeze i'm gonna tell my my dad has weight belts and i am it's squeak it's like somebody going like this like that to you it's like squeezing toothpaste out of it out of a toothpaste tube right it's squeezing it and the shit just flies out i'm gonna get you one i'm gonna get you a belt i can't take it i can't take it will you tell yeah tell top dog absolutely because he does have them oh my eyes are crying crying that's fantastic

thank you eric i think we'll definitely have to uh we're gonna have to go out on that that was amazing that was beautiful yeah thank you eric and thank you mommy's uh we missed you in dr believe it or not we talked about you guys does that sound weird yeah we love you um so we'll see you next week please visit your mom's house podcast dot com weight belt get a weight belt put your weight belt on amazon dot com always use big words and and deny them if you deny them if you say them thanks again guys we'll see you we'll see you out there and we'll see you in a week bye gene or less than a week yeah you