Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura - 169-Your Mom's House with Christina Pazsitzky and Tom Segura

Episode Date: October 17, 2016

Don't you look at me like that!?! I'm just trying to impose on you and your family because I'm insane! Cats love BBQ sauce. It's true. If you want to win a cat over, feed it BBQ ribs with lots of sauce. The mommies confess shameful acts of the past - can you forgive them? We love when people stop BS'ing with the PC talk and start droppin F-bombs. Please do us a favor and cut the F'in S and just give us the F's and B's and the C's, you know what I'm sayin? Is anything worse than a co-worker? We think back on our office working days. Good lord do we feel for those of you who are still doing that. Drink water. Poop more. 

Meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, squeak. Jeans, Jeans! This. Who submitted this? I don't like this. Monstas Corporation. Jeans. Jeans. Love it.

Jeans. Oh my God. Jeans. Jeans. Wiping down, wiping down. Wow, wow, wow. Oh my God. It's on the back when I'm wiping down.

I've got an ID there, so I'm typing it down. I'm an incident journalist and I'm a new friend. Oh. I got found taking shit with the wife and brother. Taking force to live in front of whites and brown. Plop, plop, plop. Then I'm wiping down. Then I'm wiping down.

Wipe, wipe, wipe, wipe, wipe, wipe, wipe, wipe, wipe, wipe. That's great. Talented listeners. You guys are the best. Damn, you guys are good. So many golden tracks. You know what I'm saying? You know what I'm saying?

So silly, I love it. Alright. I love this. Oh shit. Sorry, I got something there. What's wrong? I tried to go to another thing that a guy sent us, but then he sent us a link to one of his videos.

Oh. And the video didn't play correctly. Oh, okay. Thank you for your jeans song, Mun Staz Corporation. Really neat. Thank you. I like that you call it a corporation.

You never know. They could be iron seed up. Yeah, it could be. So this guy, let's see, this is an old one here. I like how you see whispers. Jeans. I like it too. Reminds me of Rovers.

Which I'll be at. November 12th through the 16th. Hey, everybody coming to the stage. Coming to the stage now. You've seen a lot of comedy centralings here now at Rovers Comedy Club. You already was funny. Jeans, just so you know, guys, too.

Very exciting. I like this jam. Reminds me of James Bond. It's from Gonzalo Rivera. Okay, Gonzalo. Jeans, seriously though, real talk. We're doing our podcast live at the Ice House in Pasadena. November 22nd.

Get your tickets now because it looks like a lot of peeps are going to this and it's going to be off the chain. And also what we're going to do, which is really exciting, it's the first time we've ever done this. If you live somewhere far, far away, I know we get a lot of tweets like, I wish I lived in L.A. I could see that show.

Guess what? Suck us. Yep. Now you can. That show is going to be available live streaming through the company Lafster, which is L-A-F-F-S-T-E-R dot com. What you should do is go set up your account now. Yeah, go there.

Set up the account. I know I spoke with Red Band and he was like, just put your credit card in. We're working on getting it so that you can pay pallets so that you don't have to put in any information of that nature. Yeah. Lafster provides this service and there's no way that they can do it without eventually charging something.

Yeah. So the way that they're going to do it, if you're interested, if you want to watch from anywhere in the world, if you set up your Lafster account, we will have them charge a very small fee, but they'll have high-tech HD cameras, great audio. And it's essentially like you're watching the live show on your television. On your computer at home.

If you're in New Zealand listening to this. Sri Lanka. Sweden. China. Not so much China. Other countries. The Ukraine. The Ukraine.

The UK. Saudi Arabia. Tunisia. Senegal. Morocco. Hungary. Jamaica. Ireland.

Scotland. Other countries. You can stream, watch. Canada. Live as it's happening. Just go to Lafster right now. Yeah. It's on there.

Our show is on there. So find your mom's house. Go ahead and register. Get all signed up so that the night of the show you can watch it live with us. Could be cool, man. I mean, it's a neat way for people who probably might never get to see us. Like if you are in the UK, God knows we send t-shirts to you guys. So I know you're listening.

Yeah. Or Mom's Strelia. Or Mom's God. Tons in Mom's Strelia. Canada. Guys, here's your chance to see it live and streaming and really good quality like Thompson. I'm really excited. I hope it works.

Out for us. I would love to do it. And we'll see how it goes. All right. So that's November 22nd. We're doing that at the Ice House in Pasadena. And then December 5th will be at the American Comedy Company in San Diego, California. We're doing the podcast live there as well.

You, though, this right now, and this is out, you're already in Jacksonville, Florida at the Comedy Zone November 7th through 9th. And then hold on. Let me get my schedule. I'm sorry. I'm not prepared today. Okay. Then November 14th through 17th, the Hartford Funny Bone in Hartford, Connecticut.

And then. Hartford. November 23rd, a one nighter in Vegas at the Aliente Casino. And then December 19th through 22nd in Atlanta at the Punchline. And then if you haven't made any of these plans and you're in the vicinity of Washington, D.C., the District of Columbia, come see Tom and I do our New Year's Eve show together. We're co-headlining. We're not doing the podcast.

It is stand up, co-headlining, which we never, ever, we very, very, really do at the D.C. improv where they're all week 27th of December through 31st. And it's going to be great. Yeah. It's going to be awesome. It comes by your New Year's Eve with your jeans. It'll be great. It'll be great.

And you, Tom, stick her out. Where are you going to be? Well, if you're hearing this and you're in the Greater Minneapolis area, I hope you're coming to see me tape my hour special tomorrow, Saturday, November 9th at the Goodale Theater, which is a part of the Cowles Center in downtown Minneapolis. I'm very excited. If you're a listener of the show and you're coming to that, just be awesome. Have great energy.

I'm so excited. I feed off of your energy, so just give me, you know, good, positive vibes. Yes. Have fun. We'll have a good time. Energy. Yeah, exactly. Be a Brody Stevens in the audience.

Great. Yes. What else? Tom's a girl. We already mentioned our other things, and yeah, that's it, man. That's it. You're like, that's it. That's all the show we got.

I mean, we did it. We just covered everything. We did it. We did it. We did it. Are you ready to start the show? Hell yeah, boy. Yeah, boy.

Don't you look at me like that. What the fuck? God, shit. What the fuck do you think? I've been trying to take care of that goddamn cat for two weeks, but go, you're fucking ass done to it. Is my fucking ass done? No, you don't.

Okay. God, get it. This is a big time. Who is Randy? Don't bring anyone lovin' to this. Don't burp in the fucking stand. Welcome. Welcome to your mom's house.

With Tom Segura, Tom Sutsu. Christina Pajitsis. Christina Pajitsis. Christina Pajitsis. Christina Pajitsis. Christina Pajitsis. Christina Pajitsis. Christina Pajitsis.

Christina Pajitsis. Christina Pajitsis. Christina Pajitsis. Christina Pajitsis. Christina Pajitsis. Christina Pajitsis. Welcome to your mom's house. So, who recorded you talking to our neighbor like that?

You know what I was gonna say, actually, is that that could be my mom. That is exactly how my mom would get with neighbors and people and strangers. Handle a situation like that, really? Henceforth, we don't have a relationship. Yeah. But don't you feel like you get like we had a neighbor, I don't want to say when or where. But anyway, there are people that don't really take care of their cats when they leave town. Yeah.

Yeah. I know. You're like, hey, that thing needs to eat to live and drink also to live. You gotta put things out there for it. Yeah. But I understand her frustration. She's probably like, you fucking don't take care of your cat. The problem is this woman, if you pay attention to the details, obviously she's an animal lover,

but she's also mentally ill and she is accusing this man of not feeding his cat. But as the guy points out, she doesn't, she's not aware of when or where he feeds her. He's like, I used to feed her where you think I feed her. I don't feed the cat there now. I have a new feeding area and she's like, I need to go see it. He's like, no, this is my property. So crazy. It's so fun.

She's the cat, the cat manager of the neighborhood. Yeah. You know how those cat managers go. I'm not talking to you. Why did you abandon this cat? And what do you, do you want it to have a home? You want me to find it a home? Because you're not taking care of it.

Don't you look at me like that. What the fuck, Gail? What the fuck? God damn. Gail looks so good. You're not going to take care of that goddamn cat for two weeks because you're fucking ass done to it. She's old too.

Yeah. She's old as fuck. Gail? Yeah. Yeah. And it's so great to see old people get really agitated. Of course. It's my favorite thing in the world.

Yeah, it's so great. Oh, I have it in my act now. I love it when old people curse. It's so great. It's the purest form of awesome. Yeah, it really is. It really is. They're so entitled.

They can say what the fuck they want. I saw, you know, the only time it's funny to see couples be mean and just abusive to each other is when they're elderly. Yeah. I was going through security at the airport and I was thinking like any other age just would be like sad, you know, you'd be offended or just be like, please make this stop. And this old couple is like, you fucking bunch of shit around me. And we were all the TSA people.

We were all like smiling ear to ear, watching this two old as dirt couples go through there and hate each other. Of course. You know, they'd been together 60 years and they were like, I fucking hate you. Phenomenal. But that's why they can say that is because they've spent a lifetime knowing each other's annoyances. Oh yeah.

He hated her and she hated him so much. No, you don't. Okay. God damn it. I'm sorry. What is the matter with you? What's the matter with you? You're on my property bitching over things that are not of your concern.

I'll tell you what. I'll tell you what is going to be of your control. I told you, I get offended because when she comes by your house, she obviously comes by your house and pisses you off. And I asked if that was the issue. And it is the issue because you say that to me. It is not. You're a goddamn cat.

It's you. You're the one that said people should be responsible. You are. Yeah, you are for your dog, but you're not for your dad. Oh my. How long have I been treating your cat? And did I ask you to do that? God damn.

Somebody had to. It's not your fucking place to ask to come into my backyard and see where I feed her back there. It goes there because she prefers yours. So should I switch to which brand you do because you fucking impose on me bitch? Show me where you feed her. That's what I just said. Show me where you feed her.

Show you get the fuck off my property. Move your car. Let me tell you something. You're doing the goddamn lie. That's what you're doing. I'm telling the goddamn lie. God damn lie is what you're doing. You're full of them.

What? Yep. Do you think? Yep. Do you think there's any merit to her argument? Do you think that he's abandoning his cat at all? I don't know dude. She's saying you take care of your dogs.

She said that. You're a good dog but not your cat. I think what it is is a cat meanders into her yard it sounds like and she feeds them all the time. And she does. And she's maybe thinking I'm feed like I think what she's thinking is she's like this cat is not being fed so he's coming over here to eat and he's saying because you fucking feed him all the time.

That's why the cat comes around. Exactly. We had a cat like that in there in the old house. Stella. Yeah. Remember? Yeah. Stella would come in and I knew she wasn't a stray she just belonged to somebody else

in the neighborhood. Yeah. And a wise person Sarah Burns was like did you feed Stella? And I go no. She goes well once you feed a cat they're yours. She goes do not feed that cat unless you want that cat in your house every day. And I was like oh good to know because I was like for sure about to do that. Yep.

So this dumb broad. What would you have fed her the first time we don't have cat food? No we don't. I would have fed her you know cereal. I was going to give her barbecue. Yeah. Like some ribs. Wait a minute.

Pulled pork sandwiches. Dry rub or with liquid sauce? No for a cat I would give it a lot of sauce. You don't think that cat likes a dry rub? I think cats like to lick a lot of sauce. I would find the hottest spiciest sauce because I know cats like that. Cats do not like hot spicy. I think they like sriracha and they like they like Vietnamese hot sauce.

That is so silly. Isn't that the thing about if you ever get a cat you've got to give it hot sauce. Isn't that an old expression? Can I tell a story about your cousin? Oh my God. Which cousin Charmé nameless but he had a kitten, a brand new beautiful hypoallergenic cat. This is a cat I can have and I could pet and not sneeze and get watery eyes.

And I'm over there meeting the kitten. That's my impression. So cute. And we were eating Chinese food and my he I had put chili sauce hot sauce because I like my food spicy. And he goes okay you gotta make make sure you wash your hands after you eat because I don't want the spices on your fingers to get in the kittens eyes or face burn her like uh-huh.

And if you clean your bowl that you're done eating with make sure you use this sponge and not this sponge. This sponge I use only for the cat's bowl. When you wipe the counter make sure you use this towel. Don't use another towel. If you use a moist towel it could affect the wood. I want you to wipe this table down with a specific type of rag. The wood is still going through a sealing process right now.

The kind of rag, it's a 100% cotton hand stitched. If you use a paper rag or paper towel you could, some of the paper could get into the sealant and ruin the wood table. I've left several instructional videos uploaded to YouTube. Did you wash your hands? How much cable did you watch? I don't, I didn't wash hands. No I thought you were a nice guy.

I thought you weren't crazy. Do you have dementia or some shit? No, you're the one that he said no. I seriously, who do I need to call? Don't you move with me. Don't you move with me. I've tried to be nice to you. I've tried my god damn.

Coming up my property feeding my animals. You goddamn right cause you're not. Okay. Guys you're not. Okay cause I can't afford cat food or dog food. Gail. He's not the nicest guy either. Well she's a crazy old bat.

I know. I wouldn't talk to the crazy old bat like that I don't think. Well let me tell you that's what you think. When you deal with crazy and then what happens is, crazy pushes your buttons so hard that sometimes you gotta fight back. You can't just let crazy assault on you. No I agree. I agree.

But you can't, I don't know. Well neighbor, an old lady neighbor, who knows dude. There's a first time for everything. I used to fucking yell at my mom dude like when I was a teenager and we lived together. I mean I don't think anyone can piss me off as hard as my mom. You know that like they created your wiring, they created your fucking holes in your psyche and then when they activate them, oh my god. I mean I could have fucking murdered her seriously.

Yeah I bet. I understand that. I understand. Crazy. She was crazy as shit. She was crazy as shit. Yeah it's hard to have a neighbor like that. Yeah and coming onto your property I guess that would start to bother me too.

Did you see your Theo today? Don't fucking worry about my dog bitch. Yeah don't fucking worry about it. My mom, this is a terrible story. We used to have a cat that would pee on our rug. Did I tell you the story? We lived in an apartment complex when I grew up in. The same one Brody Stevens grew up in actually.

So we lived on the second floor and there was some neighbor cat that would come around and piss on our door mat you know. And my mother, I don't know how my mom figured out that the cat was peeing on it. I guess because she smelled the urine. Like how the fuck anyway. So my mother would wait for the cat to come up and start peeing, open the door and then she kicked the cat down the stairs. Oh my god really?

Yeah. Yeah. Because it was constantly peeing. Yes on our door mat so she kicked it down the stairs. Did it pee again there? Nope didn't come back. Probably didn't live to tell the story. Really?

No I think it lived but I, I mean that was really bad. It was so crazy huh? Yeah. It's really bad. It's just sad. Of course you're not supposed to kick cats. No I kicked a cat really hard one time. What?

Yeah at a party. Oh no. Yeah when I was a junior in high school and we were all drunk and I was just a fucking idiot and I feel really badly about it still. When you were a high school kid. I know but I just think back about it like what a fucking dumb adolescent like just stupid thing to do. Dude.

I didn't like kick it in the face or anything you know. I kicked like you know but I just gave it a kick. We know what teenage boys do a lot of dumb stuff though. We do. That's what you're supposed to do. Not you're not supposed to kick cats but you do dumb shit. I know. I also drove off, off the side of the road and woke up like I was drunk.

Like I did that a few times in high school. That was good too. It's fun. One time I was coming back from Miami and like I was like like kind of sliding over into the median just drunk driving 90 miles an hour on I-95. That's nice. Yeah. The good news is.

Those things like doing dumb shit like that it stays in like if you have a conscience like it. I know. It plays in my head all the time. I feel guilty about it all the time. I know. I used to shoot my dad's BB gun at birds in the neighborhood and I always feel bad about that.

You know what I did that I felt I used to shoot lizards with a BB gun in Florida and I never really felt bad about that. I think just because they were like so small and it was like I didn't really see you don't see much. But one time I shot a squirrel as it was jumping from one tree to the other. So at first I was like oh cool got it. And then I go over and the squirrel is not dead. And then I got to put it in the BB.

It was an air pump. Pump it up. Shoot it again. And then it was like still not dead. It was like freaking out. These things are playing my head all the time. Oh gee. No I'm serious.

And that's why I'm not like you know I'm not into hunting or anything like that. I think it's because those things traumatize me for you know I'm like why the fuck did I do that. Well do you want to know what Bernay Brown says about why I did that or why I felt guilty about it. No about shame. Yeah. Because you're a shame spiral right now.

Yeah I do feel shame about it. So what Dr. Bernay Brown says on Oprah's Super Soul Sundays is shame cannot live when you express it. You've expressed your shame for everybody to hear. You won't have the shame anymore. I think every time that I was you know I wasn't like an animal torturer or anything like that but any time that I was you know like I'd shot the thing or if I kicked the cat I think those all play into why I'm so tender with animals today.

Because I feel I'm almost trying to make up for what I my shame over that. I hear you Jeans but you know what you were young and you were violent and you had testosterone coursing. Can I tell you what I used to do that I'm not proud of. This is really sadistic. You're going to do a confessional right now. Yeah. What did you do.

I've never told anybody this. Really. Yeah I don't think I've ever told you and I'm embarrassed about this one. I have a lot of shame. Go ahead. So that apartment building that Brody and I grew up in the same one. Yeah. You've been there.

I took you there once. Yeah yeah. So horrible I was as a little girl. It's I used to find snails and then rip their shells off like I'd like to crack their shells yeah and then rip them off. Yeah I know it's okay. Does that make me a serial killer. I think if you got really much more joy out of it and kept doing it.

Until now. I saw I saw a high school friend like he was taking lizards and like he. We walked in on him one time. We walked up to a friend's house that he was at but he didn't live there and he was torturing lizards. Oh they're so cute though. What are you doing. He was like like we were like holy shit this guy is crazy.

Like he would laugh. I think that's the difference. That was the red flag and doing it. He was like setting them on fire and stuff. Oh no. Yeah it was a total like it was the that moment still plays when you see somebody like really getting joy out of that. You're like whoa.

Well because the snail thing. How old were you. I was really young. 26. This is last year. I was like you know I don't know seven. Yeah I think that that's more excusable. Seven or eight and then I was like it would give me satisfaction but it wouldn't give

me joy. Like and then I'd feel weirdly pervertily guilty. Isn't there a way to fuck with them too. Of course you feel guilty about it. You pour snails. You pour salt on them. I think that's how I started playing with them because my dad would pour salt on them to get rid of them in the garden.

What happens when you pour salt. They just they bubble up. They just can't die. Really. Mm-hmm. Like the sodium does that. I guess. They just it's like poison to them.

What if you what if they eat barbecue like a big bowl of barbecue sauce. Like cats like. Yeah. Like the way cats are always eating barbecue. Do you like barbecue like cats love barbecue. Can I tell you my favorite part of the crazy cat lady is this is like an interesting the way people interact in arguments is that this woman I don't think was going to approach cursing but when he goes what the fuck in her mind it opens the fuck door.

Yeah. I love watching that in a in a conversation especially between people where one of them is like I have a standard for the way I behave. You see this across all classes to is like somebody might be like I work in this realm of vocabulary. Right. What the fuck is wrong with you. They go fuck is wrong with me and then they change their standards change and you hear

it. But this is what I don't understand because you just said that people live at levels and standards of vocabulary. Do you guys that I have never made a conscious effort to not say fuck or not be crass. Yeah. And I feel like is that is that a bad is that what is that like am I supposed to. You're a product of your environment because I grew up with your own trash cursing sailors all of course.

Of course. Yeah. Dog workers. Yes. Mechanics. Yeah. That's exactly why you look blue collar. You don't really blink twice at it.

That's why. Animals. No it's true. That's my theory on it. Yeah. No I was raised around big burly Hungarian drinkers. But I think at the at almost at their core everybody wants to drop the idea of I'm above that like at your core your emotions are raw and the way you speak is raw and people put

on a facade right and it's about I don't you know I don't speak in a certain way. But when you get them to be truly emotional or express truly how they are a lot of times they drop all the pretense and you get hey motherfucker right which to me seems like like when people are authentic it is and it's real and I don't speak this way to offend people I have no I don't intend to offend ears on stage or whatever and people are like I clean it up like it's it's not even clean or dirty in my mind it's just sincere yeah you understand like there's no distinction between those two worlds for me so when I go on terrestrial radio and I accidentally say shit or something and they're all everybody I'm like why are

we what's so crazy about being the word shit who fucking cares yeah I agree I think it's a litmus for honesty. It blows my mind when we have to bleep and cut out so it makes me it makes it's really like a hot one for me yeah this is I'm not talking to you why did you abandon that's her just being old I'm like speaking the way she's and then he goes what the fuck and what and you can hear it in an instant what are you do you want it to have a home you want me to find it at home because you're not taking care of it don't you look at me like that what the fuck he had to say it first and she was like here's who I am that's what

that was this is what I want to say that's the pretense being dropped of course of course because your fucking ass didn't do it I love it I love old people good it's good stuff it's so fun good stuff your fucking ass didn't do it that's how my mom would talk to my mom would talk to me like that all the time you fucking ass yeah that's that's very much in her wheel yeah this is the kind of shit I grew up on yeah this type of crazy I know this is crazy this is you right here right here what am I doing I don't understand I guess if you go to creampiecathy.com you can see the more of these guys who not in cream pie kathy that's how I felt growing up in my house how that guy was screaming just then you would

come like that in the house rage no I don't think that could also just be some guy screaming out of anger or shitting oh okay to me it sounded like rage but would you make these sounds when you had sex no no you sure not until I was married to you I've never heard anybody do it quite like that what's the premise he just comes why is it called cream pie shouldn't it just be called coming inside of somebody why a cream pie cream pie cream in the pie that's so dumb but that's why they call it that fucking dumb yeah okay I like multiple cream pie videos it's disgusting with everybody's cheers and you yeah and then the next guy goes in you and the next guy goes in you and the next

guy goes in you I've always wanted to be last in one of those and then who gets to eat the okie cookie then they bring in some guy on a chain and he gets to go hey do you think that okie cookie thing is real probably to some extent it's been done by a couple of fucking you know zilch is out there but yeah but I don't think a lot of people are taking that just so if you're listening to this and you don't know what an okie cookie game is yeah the legend of the okie cookie is that supposedly supposedly a bunch of guys in a circle jerk they jerk onto a cookie and then the guy who comes last has to eat the cookie with all the cum on it yeah yeah fraternities are cool I don't they say it's fraternity stuff but I don't know I could not fucking I remember going

to a rush event where they're like they're you know soliciting you they did that stuff like you rush week or pledge week or no no no no I went to one of the things where they invite they invite everybody to come to the their event to be like do you know what you want we want you to see how we operate they come to lamb to lamb to lamb to house I went to one the first one I went to I was like oh my god like these are the biggest fucking they were just douchebags right and I was like these are such fucking nerds I don't want to be like they were such fucking nerds and I go I was like oh my god this is like so I was embarrassed to be there yeah and I also never liked group things like that I was never going to join any fraternity yeah then a group of friends of mine

went to like the meathead gathering I was like this is even worse like they were like man we don't fuck around like we're we're the fucking shit you know and we're like uh-huh and I still remember like they're like what what's up with you what do you like to do they like asked everybody to like speak up and I was like not this I like to smoke pot play video games yeah and then I got um an offer to join like the no way yeah to to pledge or whatever yeah and then okay so then respectfully decline as well yeah oh you respectfully then and then so you and then booger and then point dexter yeah you guys all pledged together or I didn't do it I would refuse to partake in that and then the omega moves were your sister house right it was so

fucking lame can I tell you honestly I was goth right like I was super goth in that era of my life yeah borderline into college goth and um part of me kind of I made fun of all those people and then part of me I think wanted the camaraderie of like a sorority yeah I think I can see why it's alluring especially at that age like you're 18 you're leaving home for the first time I totally get it I see the appeal I I do think I would have had maybe a different take on it had I gone to a different university I went to a very small school with 1200 undergrad and I was like you already know everybody and then you just know that that person like if I went to a school with like 30 000 undergrad right maybe I would join one to like have a crew like here's the guys I like

to fucking hang out with of course or like an Arizona state like you go to Arizona state to join I would think so eternity and party and get fucking wasted yeah well usf was not we had like five fraternities total five so it was so small yeah and they were real douchebags too on our campus like it's san francisco it was in the school is in the city three frets and three sororities right but our school is literally in the center of the city of san francisco yeah so like why would you need a social group like there's social things everywhere yeah it's kind of it kind of wasn't the right place to have fraternities yeah I mean it's fucking it's san francisco yeah you don't need a group really to belong to you know whatever that's for san francisco right

oh it's mac sf that's not him that was a mac no mac is um where's mac tell me what that is not him either no that's but this is a guy talking to mac this guy is getting it from yes sir yeah yeah sure thank you sir sir it's so funny that was just thinking about fraternities I used to work with a guy with a couple of guys that were always uh like the ex-frap boys it's so funny point of story being it's so important who you associate with all day every day like that like I remember when I did work in an office like I think the hardest part is your co-workers like dude that that's your whole life it's it's 40 hours a week we've forgotten about it because we're removed from co-workers now yeah it it's everything it's

everything it's literally school it's literally 40 hours minimum a week with fucking strangers people that you would never associate with in real life most of the time yeah and you're just lucky if there's one or two people in your office that you can fucking stomach and tolerate like usually I would find like maybe one girl who was super cool yeah and the rest it was just like I want to fucking blow my brains out every time I hear you fucking talk god they were the I'm trying to think of all the different places I work there was just fucking uh I worked at a place that made grocery carts one time shopping carts I like a factory uh yeah they manufactured them and marketed them what's that like horrible yeah there was and there was like different camps

you know yeah the best crew was like the women in the administration like you know running papers secretarial type they were like the the most fun yeah and then I worked for an absolute moron in marketing and a stupid fucking hillbilly was above above her and it was just the dumbest people I mean I remember just loathing walking into that office then I worked at Granger that's a good job that's a good job though they were actually Granger's a good company those socially I love those people of course they were fucking rad they were awesome people Bucky Henson um that's a real guy's name isn't that awesome of course it's your own name but I feel a little bit of shame over my back here that's rad Bucky was like the fucking hardest dude but like also the nicest guy

um but out here in production is where it's fucking clown central yeah where you have to dude the fuck I remember I used to sell um I used to sell it was a company called uh well world link and they would sell media airtime for infomercials and I was an assistant making like fucking what fourteen thousand dollars a year just peanuts right out of college yeah and I had to enter in you know 14 grand like 14 to 16 to be an assistant and then you work your way up to being an account executive which is when you really make your salary so they're kind of weeding out the losers that's like a fucking thousand dollars a month yeah I'm not sure how I lived honestly at that point but the good news of that job was that I clocked out at a specific time every day I didn't have to

work a lot of you know extra hours I never did and then I would go to the clubs at night so it's kind of why I like that job because I was just becoming a comedian I was 25 26 years old and I had all my nights free right so you work your day job and then you go to the clubs at night and um that that was a total office the office where it was like the main you remember when you worked in office and the main thing was like it's Mary Beth's birthday everybody gather around we're gonna sing happy birthday to Mary Beth and then you're like I fucking hate this bitch Mary Beth I fucking hate her and then you have to stand there like a donkey and then everybody sings you're like happy fuck you bitch or the worst part yeah was having never pretending to care

pretending to care about everything like this person oh they're the worst and oh my favorite is they're dumb office jokes right like there's a million that's what she said every time someone says anything remotely funny that's what she said or um no homo was big when I was no home I never had no oh my god and it was it was from these totally juvenile fucking idiotic guys who like if I mean like it got to the point where I was like do you guys realize how gay it is that you keep saying this because they insisted on saying no homo like we're fucking fifth graders you know if you're like yeah can you uh you help me put this in there no homo man I'm like oh geez go fuck how old are we right now you should have just sucked his dick yeah I did I I showed him who was

boss and he was like thank you sir um oh I remember this about office life too it's such a different end like life yeah office life is its own beast I remember what happened was 11 a.m. is when the one person goes what's for lunch guys and now the next hour is figuring out where you're all going to go to lunch or where you're going to order lunch from remember that whole debacle and then you go to lunch and then what do you do you talk about your fucking job yeah because you have nothing in common with these people outside of the office and now you're stuck talking about the fucking job you hate for an hour with the people you're kind of okay with because you've gone to lunch with them like you like them more than you like the others in the office right mary beth

is not at that lunch yep but now you're talking about the job worse after work is done hey let's go for a drink and then you go yeah you know maybe I will go for a drink with you guys and then what do you talk about your fucking job yeah so like why why are we out I remember that used to make me bananas like yeah I'll come hang out with you David I used to get shit a lot a lot of shit when I worked in production about my um my lack of desire to socialize and they're like what is up with you but you never hang out and I was like we work together man 40 hours a week yeah why do I don't want to hang out with you more like everybody hangs out I'm like well I'm not part of the fucking crew I guess man I'm sorry there was but that worldland company I will

say I did have good I had fun friends there was a guy David yeah it was fun you know we went over to his place once or twice he married his assistant and then uh Carl was my favorite boss he was a surfer dude he smoked a lot of dope didn't um didn't you have a somewhere didn't you work with somebody who like preached to you too yeah I had a guy who landmarked us every day or every few days well explain what landmarking is that was our term for landmarking the guy belonged to the landmark forum which is like a self-help organization it's basically therapy in public so as opposed to seeing a shrink you go up in front of a group of people every week you pay you pay a lot and I think a lot of good comes of it because it's really helped people yeah

but I personally for just for me like I think you should pay to see a shrink one-on-one it might be you know if you're gonna invest in that kind of stuff but does the group counsel you yeah I think how is the group qualified to counsel you that's that's see that's kind of my thinking and I'm sure there's a leader who leads the group like it's not there's leaders and stuff yeah but I think the idea is the publicness of you purging your demons like your shame thing like how we just discussed I I'm embarrassed that I you know cut snail shells off you would say that in front of a group and be kind of validated and relieved of it oh yeah like there's some therapeutic elements to it but the point of the story is I was like 26 years old I was a fucking asshole and this guy was like

10 years my senior and every day he would come he knew that I was a comic and he was a comic we did a comedy class together and every day I'd be like I'd be like oh man I'm just fucking tired he's like well you know why you're tired right I'm like I was out at the comedy club last night and then I came in here you know you maybe you're not living up to your real potential you know the landmark forum can help you live up to your full potential oh no yeah and every day he would landmark that's just as bad as saying um you know Christ is your savior it is really is it's a little menacing it's not it's not did you guys talk comedy yeah because he and I did this comedy class way back when and he was very nervous guy he was he wasn't going to be comedian I think he

he did it to overcome his fear of public speaking and yeah he was a nice dude did he still do it I don't think so I can't imagine no no yeah if I can office I remember too going to a strip bar with one of my old bosses I became his assistant at that company and that was weird going to strip club as a woman was your male co-workers and like one other female it's not normal it's very unprofessional nope fuck my stoma and there you go yeah you know I'm saying I don't work in an office now but I was just talking to somebody at our show on Friday he's like oh I listen to your guys because I hate my co-workers and like and I thought about I go guy but I don't understand that man I remember that there was such in uh in post-production it was so funny how it was chopped

up the the groups and the personalities and it was really us versus them with the kind of phony idea that we were all together meaning that you know when you did a show like the shows that we used to do it was there was a story department and then we were post then there were editors and every and then there's casting and accounting there's so different castings and everybody casting is like as like fucking children and they're they can show up drunk and high and they were like the um they were the most Hollywood of people they are they're like high schoolers actually they're the popular girls absolutely um and they were fashion wise you could tell like they dressed like they were going to a Hollywood party uh-huh every day of course yeah

and like the way like they handle themselves like you guys are acting like you're directing movies and you're casting reality shows like it was really interesting like to see their level of delusion you know like the fuck are you thinking that you're doing here of course dude and then um well there was just so many crazy inter-office things like we had um people that were grossly unqualified for jobs but they were in with the boss one of them sleeping with the one of the owners of the company of course she would get promoted and we were all like what in the fuck she barely speaks English like just crazy shit like that and then he would send her flowers and gift baskets on the floor no so you see that she got a fucking 300 dollar gift basket in front of

everybody from the owner and you have to act like cool no good for you yep ah i just remember there's always in an office there's always a type right yeah there's always the one who has emotional problems and every day is a new emotional problem drama like this girl next to me her name was Lynette every day Lynette was crying about the boyfriend or in a fight with somebody in the office and then they got to rope you into their drama yeah that's the worst part about that fucking guy or girl in the office yeah cry baby yeah i just got angry thinking about somebody from back then who just a fucking guy that i you know when you're like somebody doesn't even work with you at all would work on a totally different show in a totally different department they could

confront you about some shit i remember he's got a flashback to wanting to put that guy's head through a fucking glass wall yeah yeah where is he now let's go fucking get him i don't know but he worked a priest every day and he was straight oh that that was an era though when guys are doing that yeah this isn't fucking Milan put some pants on remember that story i worked in casting once uh buna memory actually the company that did road rules years later i worked in i casted a show called love cruise which is where we took like 14 single people and we put them on a ship together and they all gave each other std's anyways i'll never forget i was young too i was maybe same era 27 no younger gosh this was like 23 23 years old out of college

and uh what we had to do on that show is in order for you to make it as a cast member we had to test you for std's uh just so that it's a liability thing that the production company doesn't get in trouble if you contract chlamydia herpes oh yeah so out of these random sampling of 14 people 14 contestants from all over the united states out of 14 young 20-somethings about 10 of them had std's right and me being 23 years old and very naive and very judgmental which i still am i say this very loudly i'm like ew i was so fucking mortified that all these people had disease and one of the executive producers i'll never forget that one of the sweetest guys who i just loved he turns to me and he

goes you know christina somebody i love very much has genital herpes and i so stupid it was like oh yeah who my wife and i was like oh but you know i'm kind of glad he said that because he was his father figured to me and it really put things in perspective where you're like oh yeah if everybody has a big fucking deal but yeah i was so embarrassed i was so stupid yeah supposed to be one in five yeah i'm sure you do we all have that uncommon yeah no big fucking deal it's not gonna kill you i got spots and pus and stuff i've never i don't even know where it's from me too but if it doesn't burn or it burns why bother burns a lot when you pee or just when you're sitting just living being alive it burns why don't you see you should see somebody for that

i don't know all the spots i don't care you know you should do rub rib sauce on that and then have a cat lick it off cats love barbecue sauce you got to know this if you're a cat owner i don't know if you have a cat lick it but i know that the spices in the rib sauce get it real spicy that'll kill whatever bacteria you have this is all very very true we asked the viewers to send in their burning questions i mean to tell you that nothing was off limits nothing was too embarrassing and the questions poured in from all over and in just a few weeks here we heard from more than 30 000 and tonight show is full of your number one the top questions here and when it came to dr os i didn't know what to think at first but this is what you most wanted to ask take a look

from los angeles to new york city from austin to an arbor america has a lot of questions about poop poop poop lin from howell michigan uploaded her question to facebook hi dr os you say s-shaped hoops are the best hoops when i poop it's hard and small so how do i get an s-shaped poop on the streets of new york marita asked i've been constipated most of my lifetimes i've tried everything what can i do daddy from phoenix arizona emailed dr os her question sometimes i can poop and sometimes i can't but when i do it's always big and painful kimberley from houston texas has been keeping a video poop journal

i pooped in three days i'm starting to feel a lot like a beach dwell the effects of my stroll softener starting to really set in i still haven't pooped hopefully soon i'll be able to poop like a beach dwell like a beach well she says well i feel like a bitch well she talks like that girl who goes honestly honestly i haven't pooped in four days honestly poop poop poop how much do you love that she kept a video diary of her inability to poop yeah and shared on a daytime television and then came on the show and talked more about her poop what's interesting is you can also just ask your family physician you don't need to go on a major daytime television yeah but your family physician isn't on a daytime television show oh baby my anus is relaxed here can we go on

we should talk about our poop on dr os be so much fun i would love to i would absolutely love to poop that's all you got from that clip no there's more there's more yeah i like to hear this i need help to look for this for you honestly i have to be honestly i feel like a bit honestly like a beach well it's well well a bitch well this was on their um their super show showdown with dr os dr phil and susie orman this is actually 2011 this is a two years old it's the beginning of an honest bunch here with ourselves um kimberley who asked that last question is joining us right now i'm i still can't poop from houston and dr os is going to give her some advice in a minute but first throughout the series we're going to ask

here in the studio audience um to use this voting device okay this is called the pageant communications voting device and you have one so we can also see exactly how we're measuring up in terms of how we're feeling about this so we can all vote in the audience about how often we poop let's see what our listeners at your mom's house think of their poops those are totally anonymous here in the studio even though i'm staring right at you so let's get started with the first question it's a moving one honey okay how many times a week are you moved and you know what i mean by that okay shit you mean how many fucking times a week do you shit out of your dirty asshole yeah speak the truth lady shit once or less a week my gosh oh my heart goes out to you if

it's once or less a week um b is two to four times a week c is five to nine times a week or d nine to fifteen times a week that's where i am yeah i'm definitely in nine to fifteen times a day come on no i think on average i do i average between one and two a day right i mean i always do one a day always one and me too it's pretty common i hit two a day quite often uh one a day unless it's a road week yeah sometimes twice because of my road diet you go more on the road absolutely absolutely we're talking uh six six five or six alley usually on the road really calorically you're taking in more taking in more i'm taking in greasy foods club food you know mozzarella sticks late night stuff like that

hmm i have my husband beat there so you vote now and it's anonymous you can be honest i have to say i just think this is a load of crap good job by dr phil dr felon is poop puns uh-huh leaves a load of crap we're talking about crap we have the results okay so let's find out how you measure up with our audience the results are a whopping 48% nearly half of the audience here says it's five to nine times a week so let me ask dr that's probably healthy i mean for kimberley and for everybody else in the audience who answered a i mean you want to say that is not healthy the kimberleys are the world the ones i worry about so we got about 20 people at least and that's i think we

got a pretty healthy group here who say they're having poops the right amount of time which is roughly once a day but it's important that you're not impacted which means that you're not straighting when you go to your bowel movement and i want people to recognize that women and kids you love that yeah why do you love that so much it's funny that we're talking about on tv like it's daytime tv it's the best you are such a seven-year-old means that you're not straighting when you go to your bowel movement and i want people to recognize that women and kids have more problem constipation than they do so why is that let me show you why i got an animation bring this alive whatever i do these shows oprah insists on this animation so we're going to show

it to you right now so oprah insists on this animation now here he shows you in graphic detail the movement making its way through the intestines out of the anus it's so funny the bowl is going through your small bowel now if you're eating food that irritates you when it's happening because you get a little bit of a spasm a little bit of a squeezy feeling a little bit of bloating sometimes another sign you've got an issue with the food but here's where the movement starts now it's in the cecum that's a dive reticulum a little out pouching that's the appendix as the bowel goes through your intestinal tract it starts to look a little bit more familiar some of you and it's going to come down because it looks like shit in the graphic it's a big fucking turd

i'm here and that's the sigmoid the rectum here it's going to just wait there until you're ready to go to the bathroom and then when the show's over you let it come out these are the hemorrhoidal veins right there if you're impacted you're gonna get little cracks in this area gets fissures you'll also get engorgement of these veins and they'll bleed and they cause a lot of issues let me show what happens when you're constipated this time the bowel goes through the small bowel into the cecum and now to the large intestines it'll go work in its way up there but here you're not going to the bathroom the toxic material that's in that poop is getting stuck in there the toxic material that's in that poop is getting stuck in there

yeah that's no good you gotta go you gotta go you gotta shit you gotta drink your prune juice well he recommends magnesium caffeine and water and water there and because of that it cannot work its way through it starts to ball up in the little itty bitty pellets and like a bombardier you eventually start letting this go that is a problem this is the poop proclamation for the new year and this this proclamation is pretty simple what we try to do is get you understand what your poop looks like and check out check it out on open.com but that poop schedule will show you different figures i talk about s shapes all the time which is what kimberley mentioned doesn't have to be s shaped it can be exclamation point shape you can be you know c shape

it doesn't matter what does matter if you're not straining as you go to the bathroom how do you make sure that happens i got a checklist for you fiber we know about that at least 21 grams a day most people get half of that or less number two you want to make sure you get enough caffeine in your diet which is the one time i'll say caffeine is good for bowel movements magnesium helps too that's my little secret you try that susie it's my savior well let me i don't have magnesium i don't poop yeah prince prince magnesium can i just say for susie it's a dollar sign not a yes wouldn't it be so much better if they were saying shit every time they said poop and you shit it and you shit at it and you shit comes out of here and she goes if i don't shit i don't have

magnesium i can't take a shit yeah i think these childish euphemisms like poop like either go full science and go yeah defecation yeah bowel movements use the right words or don't use them at all you understand like even be be real about it or just use a science term exactly how would you say it you gotta take a dump man i'm gonna take a shit a shit yeah poop poop poop poop is very childish yeah just say shit man shit i got a shit i'm gonna shit i wish dr osby like so you're gonna take a shit but your shit doesn't look like shit and they were like oh excuse me he's like no no no no let's be real let's be real when you sit down to shit and you're really grinding them out sounds like you're hurting yourself your veins your asshole is probably swollen shut with all that

shit you need to put something in there it's gonna help you shit better that's right so i hope i was helpful i hope um what i told you helps you shit more um in the future delicious homemade desserts but recipes can be complicated and take so long to make hi kathy mitzel here with my new dump cake cookbook forget measuring now you can easily make homemade desserts in minutes it's as simple as dump and bake for delicious desserts every time you want to try some physical activity yoka's got whole poses designed to let you go to the bathroom water how much water do you need enough water so that your urine is clear and finally you gotta toilet train yourself i know it sounds crazy toilet train yourself he's just saying you

gotta go at the same time every day i know top dog is big on that oh yeah you're right 8 15 you said like clockwork i guess if you have a set schedule you and i don't really have that yeah but i get that yeah smart but actually i shit yeah generally within within the first hour that i'm awake my shit yeah i wake up i drink my espresso and bam now that's another thing in an office shit shit shit by the way when you work in an office yeah that was always tricky oh yeah going to take a shit because either your coworkers are in there yeah or everyone notices that you're gone for a long time i just get a lot of heat for that because i just go and i take fucking half hour i take a shit and my boss would be like where's

grittana where's grittana what would you say i was taking a shit yep yeah i'm not gonna hot you think i was any different when i worked in an office no i believe i take a shit everybody i would just announce it and i go take a shit yeah yep i used to offer people things on my way to the bathroom that was my thing like what i'm gonna go take a shit do you need anything and they'd be like no like all right that's great i had a boss who would announce it too he'd be like he'd get up and he'd put a magazine under his arm it was really funny and he's like i'm gonna go to tile conference he would call it a tile conference that was actually really funny yeah yeah tile conference i don't know you that well

dr phil you pointed out must take a mean shit he's huge yeah and i bet his are explosives huge yeah big loud stinkers adults you got to go to the bathroom at the same time every day you got to make sure you train yourself if you're not ready to go push yourself a little bit work out a little push yourself you just said don't strain you know kimberley is on polycom right behind you guys here oh kimberley of all that advice i mean was there something that you recognize hey i wasn't doing this i wasn't eating this and that's what i can do to make uh movements better well i know i've never heard of taking magnesium so that's cute i still haven't shit in two weeks can you give me something quickly my asshole hurts i guess that's something i'm gonna have to

put in my diet help out tell her how much to take because if you don't take enough it doesn't work yeah so you want to always take magnesium with calcium ideally and the reason you're bound together is because calcium will constipate you so roughly two to one ratio if you're taking 1200 milligrams of calcium which is what most of us recommend with vitamin d at least 600 milligrams of magnesium you can take 800 even a thousand milligrams of magnesium you take much more than that you'll be going to the bathroom all day long doctor has fruit doesn't that it has rough fiber fruit meal there are lots of foods that have fiber all the natural foods the foods that come out of the ground look in the way they look when you eat them they pretty much have fiber in

them okay well there you guys we all want you to just dump eat a mango that'll make you shit they're expensive but trust me one mango this show is about making you go guarantee watch this start with fruit dump on your favorite cake mix and finish with a can of soda or you can use diet regular dessert then just bake it in the oven for a delicious ras and peach dump cake oh so scrumptious look your kids will devour this some more chocolate cake in a skillet and easy here's the cake mix just up on the good stuff chocolate chip i put i put my whole hand on my ass why won't it come out Dr. Oz my asshole have you ever tried a suppository yes but they used to force them in me when i was a kid because i was constipated when i was young

and my dad would shove them up my ass and i would cry really intensely yeah of course and then i would take a huge shit that's what that division needs to do just fucking put us that's where my nickname comes from the king of the dumps no kidding yeah and the big kaka maker because of that because of those days when you put this repository in there wow you see what we learned today about you i had no idea i'd known you for over 10 years i didn't know that yep wow yep oh there you go listeners well there you go my mother told me to use one of my 20s when i used to talk to my mom yeah worst idea of my life you know hard is to put a suppository in your own butthole uh yeah i can't imagine i never had to do it to myself he always forced it in and then

you know hit me i'm forced in my ass did he at least kiss you he'd kiss me gently kiss my butthole all right let's go all right uh we love you guys love you mommy check us out your mom's house podcast dot com follow us on twitter at christina p at christina p i'm at tom sigura and that is that have a wonderful that's what she said weekend joe double your mom's house goodbye i have a song for you i'd like to do with the i'd like to go to the bar plug in my ipod listen to him talk trash on that he's talking about your mom's house podcast stop that laughing ain't gonna happen to fix for a piss poor day to stay this course of mix sorts get the pitch fortune listen bell hey you're in jail laying with your porter we can sell mate or when you tell date listen

before the game starts play cards listen why you're shot lifting the k marty honest i mean it it's not a big secret i'm often seated in the kitchen listen in the time of christina at the end of a rough day get a longer drink get my nut shade if i'm lucky get it then i'll update just great like the devil loves flames like the devil loves heavy metal women who love snakes this is just the thing to help your nerves and calm down i like when i'll bitch welcome to your mom's house welcome to your mom's house welcome to your mom's house welcome to your mom's house got the kitchen man got the got the kitchen man got the got the fresh welcome to your mom's house your mom's house starring christina persitzki

in time syndrome especially parents fly top dog could actually happen to me or land on airport watch and joke double is there anything worse on the fire and white wrap your mom's house your mom's house shop the kitchen man