Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura - 186-Your Mom's House with Christina Pazsitzky and Tom Segura

Episode Date: January 9, 2014

This episode is very CHILDISH in the way that we make fun of other living people. We hope you are okay with that. Former NBA player and current mentally retarded person, Dennis Rodman is, well, definitely not the best at speaking outloud. He's in North Korea and he is apparently mumbling his way back. Why are there no more PSA's? Did we solve everything for kids and now they no longer need warnings? Lets bring them back and make them lamer than ever. Fire, kid touchers and drugs are still around so how about we be adults again and start making bad commericals about them for the children, yo. We learned that Kim Jong-Un is a huge fan of the show, but we are not so sure about going over there to do a live show. Something about that guy (City Connection). The mommies are eating healthy and the brown is falling out of us! You will enjoy this show or you will spend the next 15 years in our fart labor camp. 

I feel like I was in there a long time and I came out and I told you about it and you don't seem really interested. I'm getting used to it, it seems to be like it's happening more than once a day. I sat down and it took so long to come out and then I've been eating a lot of sriracha and homemade fog the last couple of days. It's hot. We've been doing it up in this house. We have a whole lot to talk about.

A lot of stories, a lot of personal things. I'm spent. You know what? I feel like I need to lay down and take a nap for a while. I know exactly what she means. I'll go ahead and let everybody know that you guys can see me, enjoy it. You can see me this weekend, 10th and 11th of January with the great Joseph Rogan at Standup Live in Phoenix, Arizona.

I will be there four shows with him this weekend and here's something that's a little unusual. The very next weekend, the 16th through the 19th, I am coming back to the club, the very same club, Standup Live, Phoenix, Arizona to headline the club and I'm bringing your baby's father with me, Matt Folchron's coming with me and Mike Kennedy, my good buddy out in Phoenix is also on the show. Two weeks in a row, Phoenix, you have no excuses. You can see me and Joe this weekend or Matt Folchron, the full charge, myself and Mike Kennedy next weekend.

It's up to you. What's great is that it doesn't end there, little dirty jeans. Wait, can I point out something just so people understand? When you're with Joseph, how much time are you doing? Yeah, I'm doing like 20 minutes. So that's not really the full experience. Of course. If you see Tommy with Joe, you're going to see a sampling.

It's like the appetizer. Exactly. If you go see him live the next week, you're going to see the whole spread. The whole hour. Yeah. You get the meal. All the mayonnaise and the cheese. Oh my God.

I think I may have to shit again during the show. Excellent. More to that point. If you want the full meal, we have put together a Super Mommy show. We've been talking about doing this in LA for a while and what that means is we love doing stand up. We love doing with our friends and we like to put on shows with them. We don't get a chance to do it that often because we're usually not here, but we put

together a dynamite show January 23rd. You said dynamite. It's dynamite. It is dynamite. January 23rd here in Los Angeles at Flappers in Burbank in the main room and it's going to be you and me with only friends of the show. Matt Bronger, Ian Bag, Ryan Sickle Cell-Sickler and we might add one or two more surprise drop-ins, surprise moments, but this is a chance for all of us to get together.

I guarantee it'll be such a fun show. So if you're around and you want to see a stand up show, that's the night two nights later, the 25th Saturday night, Christina and I will do the podcast live once again from the Ice House in Pasadena, stage two, the same room we did last time. It was so much fun. We'll be there again. So please come by, come watch the podcast live. If you don't have a chance to do that, we will be on Lafster again.

Lafster streams it live. We're going to do a segment that interacts with the audience. So this time we will play to you. We'll talk to you if you're watching live. And fucking Sri Lanka watching and you want to ask a question, we'll totally answer it. Last time we didn't really interact with people watching all over the world. I think this time we're going to make more of an effort to do that. That's what I'm saying.

Right. So what you need to do, though, before we do, we get to that is, if you haven't yet, just go to Lafster, it's L-A-F-F-S-T-E-R, Lafster.com, and just sign up for your account now. We'll post the link that you'll see exactly where the show is, but sign up for your account just so you have it. And those of you who did, I think we had an overwhelming positive response. People loved the laughter experience. Yeah.

And those guys do a really good job of, you know, broadcasting at the sound is good. The video is good. So it's definitely, it's worth it if you can't come to L-A. A lot of you can't. This is the second best thing. Yeah. Cool. Great. Okay.

So I'll do my stuff now, I guess, Alaska, Anchorage. Are you listening to us in Anchorage, Alaska? Holy dog shit. If you are, I'm coming there January 17th through 18th at the Platinum Jacks Club. And then January 29th through February 1st, I'm at the Kansas City Improv in Kansas City, Missouri. And then let's dip into February. Why not?

If you're in Chicago, come see Jeans and I do a Valentine's Day week there, February 13th through 16th at the Chicago Improv. Jeans and I will be co-headlining, which is very rare. Very rare. So I fucking check that shit song. Yeah. I forgot to mention February 6th through 8th, I'll be at Helium in Portland. So Portland, Oregon, come out and see the God.

It's kind of bold. Yep. You all set? Yeah. I'm just contemplating my bowels. I see you moving around. You look uncomfortable. It doesn't feel right.

Oh man. I feel like I should lay down. Well, I still got a little ways to go before you can do that. Yeah. You want to start the show? Yeah. What? I can do that.

Oh yeah. You're not fucking ready for this shit. Boop, boop, hootie, hootie. Hey, don't shoot. I got it. Let me do this. Lily, Lily, I'm going to tell you one thing. People around the world, around the world, I'm going to do one thing.

You're a guy behind a mic right now. We are the guys here doing one thing. We have to go back to America and take the abuse. Do you have to take the abuse? Well, we're going to take it. This shit is big time. Who is Randy? Don't bring anyone loving to this.

Your mom in the fucking stand. Welcome. Welcome to your mom's house. Christina the Jits in Christmas. Christina the Jits in Christmas. Welcome to your mom's house. Was that your drum kit? Yeah, yeah.

That's how you drum. You totally are doing the crossover hand. I got a drum over here and I got a drum over here. Wow, wow, wow. You're drumming like crazy. And I'm keeping it down here. You're pedaling, man. Man, you should be in the band motorhead, man.

You're drumming, bro. Whoa. I'm one of those guys that plays all the instruments at once because I like to. I'm a one-man band. If you didn't notice, do you have an idea of what you were listening to? I know it's Dennis Rodman. Really? He told me today that you were going to pull.

Because I kind of recognized he's always been mush-mouthed. You know he's mentally retarded, right? He's not mentally retarded. He's fully mentally retarded. He is not. How could he play? He's the first NBA player who's fully mentally retarded. You didn't know that?

He is not. He's completely retarded. No, he slept with Carmen Electra. Like she would bang a retarded person. That's why that got attention. You don't remember that there's a thing about somebody this disabled and she was like, I don't care because he's a great athlete. I know she had sex with Dave Navarro who's retarded, too.

This guy is really retarded. He's retarded. Stevie definitely thinks he's retarded. Yeah, he's retarded. No, this is a legitimate. I don't know somebody who listens. Dennis Rodman is a former basketball player who's fully mentally retarded. That is not true.

Is that on Wikipedia? Absolutely. Don't lie. Everybody knows that. He's not retarded. Completely retarded. He's bipolar or something, but not retarded. Well, I think after this interview, it might change your mind.

If you don't know, Mr. Rodman, multiple NBA champion defensive player of the year, probably the greatest rebounder in NBA history, mentally retarded, began a friendship with the dictator, president, supreme ruler of North Korea, Kim Jong-un, who's a diehard basketball fan, especially Chicago Bulls fan from the 90s. Interesting he who hates democracy, but you like our basketball. Loves it. So about a year or so ago, he went there for a trip and he was obviously pressed about, hey, do you know about all their crimes against humanity, basically?

This country has the worst track record exists right now. Their labor camps are just basically holocaust grounds. Disaster. They just kill everybody. Kim Jong-un, as we discussed last week with Top Dog, just executed his own uncle for quote treason and is holding an American in prison there. Yes, and there's been a few times in this is the same country that once held. What's the reporters, you know, Lisa Ling.

Yes, and this is when Kim Jong-il was still alive and we had to send President Clinton right to talk to Kim Jong-il to get them released. It's pretty intense shit. So anyways, that's a real probably poor recap of it all. But just to give you a little bit of context, but I guess that Kenneth Bay guy is not worth it. He's not worth the Clinton going over. No, we're not saying Clinton, but the whole thing with Bay. The guy didn't, what was Lisa Ling on?

She was always doing the stupid channel one stuff news. Yeah, she does Oprah and yeah. So Bay is, I think, is an actual, an ethnic South Korean. So he is. Right. He was born there. Yeah, he was born there. In South or North?

South Korea. And then he became American. Emigrated at 16. Right. United States. Moved to China in 2005. Let's see, described by his sister, Davao Christian. Well, and then he decided to do tours of North Korea.

He thought it would be a fun idea. He was a religious guy and then he wanted to do tours to quote, help the economy, the North Korean tourism economy, which, you know what, not a good idea. A mess with countries that don't really like humans and will imprison you. And I'm saying like, well, my parents escaped from Hungary in 69. Yeah. They didn't go back. They didn't go back until the regime fell.

I gotta tell you, this is probably. You gotta wait. Okay. So they didn't really, they haven't detailed what they said he did just a crime against the state. Yeah. And they announced that he had been sentenced to 15 years in a labor camp. Cool.

He only said that he's found guilty of hostile acts to bring down his government. I think Kenneth Bay is a retard too. Big time retard for doing this, but you know, it's just bad. Tom, would you go to North Korea? Not, not this year. No. But what if you played basketball? Like what if you wanted to?

Well, let me bring you up to speed on the interview. You heard the great, great sound bite. So I want to play this for you. Rodman was on CNN. He was on CNN show with Chris Cuomo, and on this show, it began with another basketball player. It was, I believe, a retired, another retired going in North Korea. You're going to shit when you hear Charles Smith play.

So Charles is the guy who speaks here at the beginning. Okay. We received a letter from the DQLK Olympic Committee on invitation to do this game. This isn't about Dennis. I'm sorry. Dennis, like I said, I got to know, I didn't like Dennis. I competed against him. We were not friends.

And over the last three years, we become brothers. I mean, we go out on the road and we have a great time together. We do a lot of good stuff. But understand this. They all, the whole time, everybody is super professional. They're interviewing these guys as they're in North Korea. Dennis Robin is like a crazy drunk uncle. And everybody looks at him.

He has sunglasses on so you can see everybody else's eyes. And they're like, what the fuck? You can see the what the fuck expression in everybody's face. So Charles is handling this interview. Right. What you'll hear in a little while is Charles tries to help him. Like, let me handle this for you because I can speak coherently. Coherently?

Yeah. Yeah. Sorry. Go ahead. And Dennis insists. Let me do it. And he's like, I got this. It's like defending yourself.

He is not here. Yes. I am not here. Representing yourself. To talk any sense into any politician and to have any other than basketball, basketball diplomacy, which I feel is about having a relation, utilizing the relationship with others in an accommodating way through basketball, which we did today with the North Korean team.

That's what we're here for. Do you really think that the leaders here are going to listen to what we have to say and we're not here to do that? That's not what we're here to do. We're here specifically to put smiles on people's faces, everlasting memories in the minds of individuals. And hopefully with the good work that we do, we give to charity while we're here. So you pretty much go like, I mean, I get it, like the press is trying to address like,

are you bringing up Kenneth Bade or anything and this guy's like, here's what we're here to do. Right? Right. He's like, we're here to bring joy. We're here on a strictly humanitarian level. So now, do they play basketball for everybody in North Korea or just privately for Kim Jong Un?

Like a lunatic? Well, he said, like we met citizens, we played against the North Korean team. No, I think they were with a lot of the public because I was picturing Kim Jong Un. Just been like, you play now. Yeah. You play now. And he's like, and then. More dunk.

Yeah. Dunk stronger. Hot. Right. Right. How much money do you think Kim Jong Un paid them to privately go over? I have no idea, but definitely some money exchanged hands. Sure.

And there's a lot. I gotta tell you in North Korea, there's a lot of expendable income. They really are in good place right now. Everybody eats well. Yeah. Everybody has power. A lot of healthcare. I imagine.

Spend your money on hoops, bro. Yeah, I imagine if you are a North Korean, you're pretty stoked about Rodman coming to play. Fuck yeah. I don't need to eat. That's that one famous retarder basketball player, right? You play now. So we're just going to be an example to how we are as Americans when it comes to the sport

of basketball. So please don't. And Dennis Rodman, all this mumbling you hear, that's Rodman trying to interrupt. And these guys are like, just let him speak. He's got it. Can I tell you his laughter the earlier over the first clip you paid? I was like, oh, that's the laughter of Insane, Insanity. It is, right?

It's an insane person's laugh. Continue to put politics into that. This is not what we're here for. I get it, Charles. I get it. I get why you're there. It's the problem is it's more complicated than basketball. It just is.

It's more complicated than basketball, fellas. I'm sorry. But you know what, you say it's more complicated than basketball, basketball is not complicated to us. And that's what we do. We're not in here for complications. And again, we apologize for what has kind of the storm that has been created from our presence.

We're not apologizing for doing what we do. Those people today, the North Korean team, meeting the citizens, we're connecting people to basketball and people to people. So still at this point, you're like, I mean, it sounds like, I get what the intention is, right? You're like, this guy's really articulating that what we're here to do is come on some type of humanitarian trip to just play ball and let that be the focus. Sure.

Of course, we still haven't addressed the fact that this is also part, supposed to be like, not just that, but a birthday present to Kim Jong-un, like this is what he wanted for his birthday. I mean, you fucking un-American, you fucking hand in your fucking American citizenship, you piece of dog shit, in the way to the best part, still not good yet. I get it. Relational. That's all good, Charles.

Relational. Charles, it's all good. And you say, you get it, but that's all we're doing. So don't. But the game has been presented. The game has been presented as a birthday present to the rules. The game has been presented as a birthday present to the rule. Ruler.

I'm not here to fight with you guys. I respect what you're doing. I'm just concerned for the family of this man who is held there. And I am concerned, as many Americans are, about giving a birthday present to a man who is seen as a despot who just had his uncle executed. Dennis, you understand the issue. He's tapping and saying, I got it. I'll take over.

Now that we're getting into like real fucking politics, let the old captain take over from here. Sure. Let Larry King take it over. He breathes like Bert. Have you noticed that? He has a lot of loud breathing. I don't know what's going on in that guy's head, but it's not English.

Chaos. Chaos. Hating on American basketball players. You can continue to talk about the different activities that take place here. We have activities that take place. There's activities that take place all over the world. We are using basketball as a bridge for cultural exchange. And that's all about communication.

We're not, again, we're not here to deal with the politics. The date of the game is the date of the game. It was arranged that way. We're here to deal with people. Now, let me give you a couple of examples. When we spoke to the North Korean players today through the trans... Our country in basketball in a way that we know that we should do and we were very professional about it.

So he's still defending this trip, right? Which again, I mean, I understand when you say there's, you know, humanitarian type of trip, the cultural exchange, but like, I don't know, man, bringing it to North Korea, it's like... Negative. Can I tell you if Kim Jong-un was like, a big fan of your mom's house podcast, I'd like to listen to you guys, come to North Korea, I'd be like, go fuck yourself because I don't trust you.

You're going to put me in prison. Yeah. I'm never going to see my family again. We'd go there and he'd be like, you make fun of a great leader, now you pay price. You can definitely not go now. You play city connection. You market Asians. You say city connection and not in China.

What? I'm sorry. I like Emanuel Lewis to hear a good singer while you make fun. Every time you have Asia, you make a stupid accent and you play a city connection. We're not the autumn masseuse. Okay. You're a little pressure. More pressure.

That's fucking stupid. I'm falling accent to sing drama. Fuck you. Fuck you. I cannot. I hear my voice. Fuck you. Happy birthday Kim Jong-un.

Happy birthday. Kim Jong-un. Hey Kim Jong-un. I have not actually heard my voice in conversation for nearly three years now. Kim do you think in your country it's possible to get, I don't know, a succulent Chinese meal? You know what though, I kind of wish, I wish Kim Jong-un would have brought over the Harlem Globetrotters.

Are those guys still around? Remember that? Fun. They did already. The Globetrotters went. Wow. He really is a fan. That's when Rodman went for the first time was like with, he went on the trip that the

Globetrotters went on. Shut up. Yeah. I bet somebody that Kim Jong-un would love to get his hands on and sentence to many, many years in the labor camp is our buddy. I like women's pussy and asshole. That's the best part. That is not approved.

I'm sure. I'm sure. So where were we? Slam dunk. Slam dunk. Jampaya. The fans afterwards said things like, we had no idea, you guys are a lot older, but your skill is superior and you've taught us a lot and they thanked us for that.

They thanked Dennis for putting this together. That's the joy that we get out of this and that's what we're going to say and that's what we're going to stay and that's what we're going to do. And I wish you good luck and effectiveness. I wish you good luck and effectiveness in influencing the people there. I hope it's a good cultural exchange. Dennis, let me end on this. You do have a relationship with this man.

You've said it many times. We've seen it demonstrated for whatever reason. Are you going to take an opportunity if you get it? To speak up for the family of Kenneth Bay and to say, let us know why this man is being held, that this is wrong, that he is sick. If you can help Dennis, will you take the opportunity? Paul says, the one thing about politics, Kenneth Bay did one thing, if you understand, if you understand what Kenneth Bay did, do you understand what he did in this country?

What did he do? You tell me. You tell me. What did he do? No, no, no, no. You tell me. You tell me. Why is he held captive?

They haven't released any charges. They haven't released any reasons. I would love to speak on this. Go ahead. You know, you got ten guys here. Go ahead, asshole. Ten guys here. They have left their families, left their damn families to help this country in a sports

venture. Okay. Got ten guys, all these guys here. You know, I got that. Do anyone understand that? How many guys? We appreciate that, and we wish them well with cultural exchange. No, no, no, no.

I'm just saying. No, I don't give a s**t. I'm just going to ask what the hell you think. I'm sending you. Look at these guys here. Look at them. Yeah, but Dennis, don't put it on them. Don't use them as an excuse for the behavior that you're putting on yourself.

You just basically were saying that Kenneth Bay did something wrong. We don't even know what the charges are. Don't use these guys as a shield for you, Dennis. You can't. You listen. Listen. They don't shield. I got it.

Let me. Let me do this. Really? Really? I'm going to tell you one thing. People are on the world. Around the world. I'm going to do one thing.

I mean, it sounds like is, is, is macho man Randy Savage coming up next? Like, is there a f*****g wrestling ring? Why does he talk about he played football for 20 years and not basketball? Wild War. Wild War. Wild War. Wild War. I'm going to tell you one thing.

When, when I see you next week, it's going down brother. Yeah. Undertaker. He's crazy. Your guy behind the mic right now. Yeah. Okay. We are of the guys here doing one thing.

We have to go back to America. Yeah. And take the abuse. Do you have to take the abuse? What are we going to take? What are we going to do? Do you, sir? Let me know.

Are you going to take the abuse? We're going to get it. But guess what I do? What? One day. Mm-hmm. One day. This door's going to open.

Because these 10 guys here, all of us. Yeah. Christy. Ben. Dennis. How many? 10 guys? 10 guys.

Rudolph. I mean everybody. Dasher. Dancer. How many guys were there again? Prancer. You can just open the door just a little bit. Yeah.

For people that come here. Yeah. And Dennis makes a great point. There are other Americans here on this trip. You have to understand. Okay. Now you're not retarded. The guy that's speaking now, right?

Okay. We're not alone. We're in passage with about... Why don't you speak up for the retarded guy more? 50 people. There are other Americans that have been to Korea. In and out of Korea. They're here on a tour.

They're here with us. We interacted with them as well. The key is you can date Dennis or any of us. No, Charles. Charles, that's not my intention. That's not my intention. That's not my intention. But that's not...

Charles, it's not my intention. It really isn't. It really isn't. But let me finish. Please. If that's not your intention, if that's not your intention, we've said numerous times that we're not here for any political aspects. We're not here to talk politics.

So outside of that, any questions that come back through that is baiting to get us into politics. That's not what we're here for. Every man sitting here understands that. Charles, I understand it as well. I wish you good luck with the cultural exchange, but you know the issues that are at play. Good luck with the game. I hope it has the results that you wanted to.

And I wish you a safe trip home. Thank you for joining us this morning. Cultural exchange. I mean, would you even consider... On the one hand, well, and one day... No, let me get it. Let me get it. One day.

Crazy. Out the door. What? And you, sir, we're going to take the view. That's my impression. That was fantastic. That was really good. That was un-fucking-real.

What is wrong with this guy? Retarded. I think it's drug, drogas, eh? No. Retarded. And, uh... Yeah. How do you say it?

It's not drug, but... It's not drug, but the other thing is... It's a little... Crazy. Crazy. There we go. Yeah. I mean, he is Pollo Cermanos, dude.

He's making me crazy. We are so fucking down. Man. With breaking wavos that we can't watch other shows. We tried to watch the premiere of Downton Daddy, season four. And about 30 minutes into it, I go... I just want to stop and go back to breaking mommy jeans. Breaking bad farts.

Breaking bad farts is... We're too wrapped up in it. We can't step away. Oh, I mean, what's going to happen to Jesse? What's going to happen to Walt and Skyler? I mean, it's just getting me... I'm all fired up. I'm getting a fucking ulcer watching this show.

I can't take it. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, yeah. After going to the high stakes show of that and then trying to go back to whether or not Lady Mary is going to dress for tea or not. I mean... Yeah.

We got to finish this before... I mean, we got to finish what we started. Apples and oranges. You can't go in between the two. Apples and oranges. Are you going to fart? Be careful. You might shard.

That was pretty close, actually. Can we... We got to talk about this. Well, here's what happened. We were talking in December. Spanish for December. Been done happening. And we've been done talking about...

I wanna eat better, less bad food, more good food, water, Spanish, good foods, eat them. Dennis Robin is talking about eating healthy. You know, I eat all kinds of foods. The food's got a face. I'll fucking eat it. Eat it. I drank it. You got your fuck.

Oyster. Ain't putting it in your mouth. All these people here, they got mouths. How is he more retarded? What is wrong with him? All these guys. I remember he was on celebrity rehab, remember? Yeah.

I mean, that was for alcoholism. So I guess maybe he's got brain damage from that. Yeah. He's real fucked up, man. Yeah. That's not even close to okay sounding. Well, yeah, because his brain is just fried. Sounds like his brain might be having...

This is your last one. His last one. I mean, it's English, dude. This should be easy. What's going on with you, man? You know, and I gotta tell you that Dennis Rodman growing up, at least in the 90s, this guy couldn't be more famous. So famous. Popular.

Yeah. Wealthy. Looking? Sure. I mean, the guy had all the cards to play, and it looks to me like he really believed it. He boozed it up. I think the booze just got to him. Yeah.

Bang and Carmen Electra. He was cross-dressing on court. Wasn't he coming to work? Yeah. Wearing crazy shit, dying his hair. Oh, yeah. Dresses and... He was the...

Boat plugs and stuff. He basically was like, I'm gonna be this maniac, but when I'm with the Bulls, like they kept them under control because he was like, you know, I'm on this great team. Yeah. I forgot what team he was on when he kicked the guy in the nuts, so he might have been with the Bulls. Oh, my life. He kicked the photographer in the nuts.

Oh, my life. Get your life. Then let's see. Oh, he was badass with the... He was one of the bad boys with Detroit when he was with them, and he was... He was even here on the Lake Show for a while, so he was all over the place. He was always crazy, but it didn't matter when he was crazy. No one cared when you're on a winning team.

Yeah. But it's definitely a form of self-sabotage. Somebody doesn't feel he deserves success. I mean, I don't understand why he's forging a friendship with Kim Jong-un. I mean, you gotta be out of your mind. There's gotta be a check involved, and also, no one talks about him anymore, so how much fun is it to get... Like, he likes Dennis Rogers, the type of guy that likes any type of attention, positive

or negative, and he actually thrived on negative attention whenever people were criticizing him. I mean, he liked it. When he wore all his crazy shit, people weren't like, that's cool. What's wrong with you? And he's like, that's who I am. So now it's like, why are you friends with this dictator? Right.

I'm just crazy. He sounds like he has dementia. He sounds fucking really out of it, man. Even Ozzy... I don't think it's just drugs, because if you look at Ozzy when he was born, Ozzy is slow physically, but mentally, he would say, lucid, funny shit. He had a hard time speaking, like his actual speech was interrupted, but Ozzy still had a fucking brain.

This guy is Rodman. His brain is just fried, man. He must have done so much blow or something. I don't know what the fuck he did to himself. Well, let's change it up a little bit. It didn't greasy. Enough of that real... It didn't greasy.

It didn't greasy. How much do you think Kim Jong-un would pay us to go to North Korea and do the podcast? How much do you think he would pay us? How much? I don't know. I'll pay you a cover on Bobby Q. Oh, yeah, I'll go there. I think after this episode, it would just be a trap.

Yeah. I don't think he would have anything to do. He would be like, yeah, big fan, I like young jokes. And then we'd be done. It didn't greasy. It didn't greasy. Why can't... I wish Kim Jong-un were like a huge Chuck Woolery fan or somebody really random.

I would let the Asian joke slide, but I gotta tell you, I want you to play more Chuck Woolery drops. It didn't greasy. I like that. I like that a lot. Um, let's get this show back to serious. What happened to just say no? Tell you what happened.

Just say no was the 80s. We were talking about this. What are our PSAs? And then the 90s came. We're talking about this in the airport because for some reason we're talking about PSAs and Tipper Gore and that whole fucking 80s was crazy. It's all about warnings. Was warnings?

Why did warnings go away? Why do we live in a world without warnings now? Especially for kids. I feel like if you could say... You've already been told about strangers dressing up in uniforms, but there are other traps you need to know about. Good words. Hi, I lost my little dog.

Can you help me find him? Be suspicious of an adult asking for help. Hi, I'm just playing with my daughter's video game, but the batteries seem to be dead. I have some in my car. Why don't you come over and help me put them in? She's a piece of ass. Stranger danger. If this woman says, and she's got great big tits and she asked you to help with batteries

and you're a young boy, you can go with her and let her show you where she puts batteries. I kind of wish you'd give a more natural read of the script though. She gave kind of a mechanical read. I play with my daughter's hand. She had a battery. She would like to come back and see if you could probably put the batteries in my car. That was even a better read than what she gave. Hi, I've run out of my batteries.

Hi, I'm just playing with my daughter's video game, but the batteries seem to be dead. I have some in my car. Why don't you come over and help me put them in? Stay away from people in cars or vans. Except for this lady with great big beautiful tits. Hi, my tits, they seem to be jiggling. Can you help me jiggle my tits? You notice that I'm young and hot?

You want to eat my butthole? It's fine. This guy, holy shit. Stranger danger. The crackling and popping is not us. This is such an old piece of tape that you cannot hear it without crackling and popping. All right. Continue though.

I want to know what to do. Okay, more warnings. Hey kid, how you doing? Hey kid. You know we're making a movie over there. You want to go see it? I remember this one. Only professional agencies hire kids for TV work.

I ought to know. Hey kid, let's go to the arcade and play some video games. What do you say? Ignore him and walk away. Little boy, I'll give you $10 if you'll take my bag to the car for me. Yeah, that's a good fucking offer. This isn't good. I'd take $10.

It's a lady. Why are you going to turn down a lady who's offering you $10? I know. Here's what you do. Let's see those $10 up front. Your big fat cunt. That's what you say to her. That's how we're going to teach our future kids.

Yeah. I want to see that money. Show me the money bitch. It's okay to say no. Even to an adult. Safety is more. $10. That's a long walk.

About $20. $10 is a lot of money in the 80s. Into a kid. Yeah. For help carrying the bags. Yeah, it's not a bad deal. Nice deal, mom. I don't know why PSAs have gone out of fashion.

Horton's in good manners. Hey kid. I'll teach you how to hit this ball right over the fence. Come on. I'll teach you how to hit this ball right up my asshole. That's what he sounds like, doesn't he? Hey kid. Trust your own feelings.

By the way, when you book this spot, you realize that everybody's like, So you're a pedophile. You're cool with that. So your face will be associated with that fucking nationwide. Yeah, you gotta be hard up for the cash on this one. Here's the emergency trap. That's this one. Oh my god, you're the kid.

Your mom's been hurt. She's in the hospital. She sent me to come and get you. What's the secret code word? I don't know the code word. You don't need to get near the car to talk to someone inside. You know, you look like you could use a friend. Say no.

What do you think is wrong? What do you think is wrong? You need to go and breathe. She won't open the door. That guy looks like a real fucking creep. I can see why they booked him for this one. Yeah, so what is your theory on why these have gone away? I don't know.

Here's, I know why they... Okay, when I worked in animation, I know why we had to have them. Like at the end of cartoons and stuff, it's called, Shit, the IE block, information education. Yeah. And I think it came around in the 70s and 80s that if your cartoon didn't have content that was informational or educational, standards and practices made you tag on like a little good to grow on or one to grow on.

Yeah, or the more you know. The more you know, which is why at the end of like horribly violent G.I. Joe cartoons, they would have like that ridiculous thing of like, pick up litter just because standards... Or... We agree, campsite. Yeah. Give me one for the fire. No, my phone's on fire.

My phone's on fire. Don't run. Here, let me wrap this around you. Are you okay? Lucky thing you were around, Spirit. Lucky thing you didn't run. Remember, running only makes the fire worse. If your clothes catch fire, wrap yourself in a rug or blanket.

And roll in the ground to smother the flames. How we know. And knowing is half the battle. G.I. Joe. Meanwhile, the rest of the 22 minutes are spent blowing each other up. Like, you worked in animation. Yeah. Did you ever stop and look at how bad the animation on G.I. Joe is?

It's so bad. Well, it's old. How old? From like the 20s? That was an 80s cartoon. 80s cartoons were animated by hand. This is before like digital. So everything had to be...

Here's why it sucked. Because it cost a lot. That's why they wear the same costumes, right? Because it costed a lot of money to have outfit changes. Because that's a whole other character. They're called models, character models. Which is why like the Beverly Hills teens, remember that cartoon? They all wore the same outfits every single episode.

Despite them being super wealthy. The Smurfs all look the same. Oh, it was just for the same money. The same sets. Yeah. Because it cost a fortune to model those characters all the time. So it was just super expensive. And now computers do it?

And now like the guys that do South Park. And that can be done in flash, like in your computer in like five minutes. Which is why the Simpsons got fucked. Because by South Park. Because the Simpsons, it took them six months to turn around one episode. Whereas South Park, something could happen that week. The guys could write it, animate it, and it's out. Out the door.

And they had a leg up on the Simpsons. I don't like the South Park guys. That's the best movie. That rude. But can I tell you that this PSA shit, this is how I know what to do when you're on fire. Stop dropping roll, man. That's from PSAs. Yeah.

Do you know, both of us don't like loud people. When people abuse loudness in a public place. I hate it. We don't like it. This guy has a boombox on his shoulders. You know, the 80s was the plug over your shoulders. That's how you do it. He's on a bus.

And the other guy goes, can you please turn that down, son? He turns it up. He turns it up. Noise, noise. Well, there's a difference between enjoying music and driving people around you crazy. There's a time and a place for blasting your music, and this isn't one of them. It's the other people ever write to their piece in quiet. Not everyone cares to hear your favorite music when you do.

That's right, you dumb fucking assholes that are out there that don't know that. Thank you, Jason Bateman, for explaining this in 1987. Blasting in public can also be downright illegal. Blasting in public. You can have your music and people around you can have... Blasting in public. Are you blasting? I'm greasy.

The piece in quiet, too. And then another guy gets on the bus with a bigger boombox. No! And then they both realize that it's rude and loud. They both turn it off and shake hands. And that's Wonder Girl. For you dumb fucking kids that don't have parents at home right now, I'm the one raising you from television.

That was a time, it's funny, the 70s and the 80s were a time of... There's a lot of hysteria about child molesting, about being set on fire, and about taking drugs. People were, for some reason, there was a lot of witch hunts, and Tipper Gore lost her fucking mind and was going after the dead Kennedys, and Ozzy Osbourne, and Two Live Crew, and she's the reason today that we have parental advisory stickers on... Express it, Rear X. There's a great story about, I read about Tipper Gore,

that the reason she got into this is that she caught her 11-year-old daughter listening to Darling Nikki, which is a dirty song from Prince, Purple Rain, and she's like, this is marketed towards children. We have to protect the children, it's not marketed towards children. Purple Rain was a rated R movie, and that was a rated R. But my dumb fucking kid could accidentally hear this, and then her brain will explode, she'll shit her pants the moment she hears this song. And by the way, for the record, that's exactly how I learned about masturbation is the song Darling Nikki,

because that's what he says masturbating in a magazine, and I was like, what's masturbating? And she was like, what, what, what, what? And then, guess what? Your daughter's gonna be rubbing him out, she's 11, in a couple of years anyways, bitch. Yeah, man, that's what the fuck happens. Your fucking kid's gonna love it. You just suck my goat sack, punk. That's what'll happen.

Stop dropping a roll. But why the child molesting hysteria? I guess that was, I don't know, maybe it's better that we addressed it then. No one talks about it anymore. Nobody. They go away, right? In the 90s, the child molesting stopped. I don't know why they, yeah.

But I don't know why they don't tell kids messages like this. I think it's fantastic. Because now we're probably even more PC about things. Yes. So we're like, just don't talk about it. Well, in the 80s, they had, remember the McMartin preschool trials? There's these kids at the McMartin preschool were being molested, and I think that was, you know, part of the hysteria of it.

Jesus. Yeah. You gotta watch out. This is more important than your safety. Hi. You're a cute kid. You know, I'm a professional photographer. Come on, hop in the car.

I'll take your picture. If someone wants to take your picture, say no. Is it a photographer? Yeah. Tell your parents. If you tell anybody about our little secret, I'll kill your dog. Children should never. Oh, my God.

And they used a big fucking Samoan for that one. Oh, no. I remember this one. I remember this one because I remember it scared the shit out of me as a kid. But that guy looked like they're like, you've done this before, right? He's like, yeah. Different people. I cut kids.

I'll tell you something. I'll touch you. My hand. Your legs. Angry. My hands. Your legs. Angry.

About that. My house. Lunch, no. That's why. That was very good, Dennis. It was a good read. Yeah. No, that was perfect.

You're a good actor. I don't want to go. Right. Well, I hope people are telling kids this stuff straight out. Like, hey, guess what? There's people that want to fucking rape you. Yeah, if you have, obviously if you have kids, you can't rely on our PSAs anymore.

So hope you open your mouth and tell your kids. You actually have to talk to your children. Yeah, you have to tell them now. Oh, what a bummer that is. Unbelievable. So we didn't talk about, we got cut off about what happened. We began the year eating right. Right.

Like a couple of healthy genes, but for real. Yeah. Like throughout the day, we decided to do planning, make meal plans, structure. And we feel better already. We've been sticking to it, but it's been making the brown come out. Well, what nobody tells you is that the word cleanse really means shit all day every day.

All fucking day. All day. All day every day. All day. Do you realize that we, I mean, we've been farting and shitting so much that we haven't had marital love in like five days. Because of it.

This is, I'm shitting three, four times a day now. I mean, I just did before the show. I usually do twice. I'm doubling it. Oh, that's dangerous. I know. That's so dangerous. You know, we buy vegetables.

Cause we, we buy just tons of spinach, arugula, you know, vegetable cucumbers, cauliflower, carrots. Yeah. And then having protein as well, but a lot of the veggies, not too many fruits, some probiotics, but man, the brown does not stop. And the problem too is that it's not enough for me just to wipe the brown cause it never stops.

You shower after your brown. So I shower like three times a day now just to clean my asshole. Yeah. Cause you got a dirty rotten, stinky asshole. I wish we had a bidet, man. That's why I wish we had a fucking bidet. Feel nice, wouldn't it? Yeah.

Nice hot water of your butthole or one of those toilets. They have toilets now that the bidet is built in. Come on. So you press the button. Yeah. And right there, the water shoots up your butthole. How does that work? What do you mean?

It's built. Yeah. It's like a fucking, you know, $5,000 toilet. The toilet. So and you press the button and it goes in. Yeah, but I don't believe you cause listen, listen. I'm serious. No, for it.

Listen to me, Tommy. Listen. Yeah. So there's like, it's a toilet like ours, like just a normal toilet. And then they put the sprinkler up in it. So then, but what is the water? Doesn't the shit get on the sprinkler? You know what I'm saying?

No, no, no. The water spigot? No, you're not, you don't understand how it's designed. I don't. No, I know. I don't. I understand. So what they have in the Middle East that was awesome is a, it's like a hose that's attached

to the toilet. Yeah. So you just take the hose. It's like a, you know, a handheld shower and then you wash your asshole off. That's in the nice hotels. I'm not saying like, you know, I don't know what's a fucking animals. I don't know what they do in their own house. I don't know what they do.

The Puerto Ricans. Who knows what they do. Puerto, Puerto Rico's in the Puerto Rico's. You know, some Puerto Rican has got his thing. Well, speaking of PSA, here's another one that they don't air anymore that they probably should. Yeah. Tell kids, man.

Tell kids about all this stuff. This is all important stuff. You know, it's not like. Why are we sugar-cutting? Oh. Hello. I'm Teddy Looms. Boxing trainer and champions.

And I'm Harbell Jenkins. Hello. I'm Teddy Looms. Boxing trainer and champions. And I'm Harbell Jenkins. Cut man to some of your favorite fighters. As a condition of our reduced sentence, we've been caught ordered to inform you of an often-forgotten hazard.

We've been forced to tell you the dangers of ingesting too much carbon monoxide, a.k.a. the Dutch headlock. Remember, if you sit in your car listening to your favorite songs with the garage door closed, set a timeline, like no more than Ronnie Millsap's greatest hits. Teddy. So if your friends are daring you to hide in the trunk of a car while the engine's running and the garage door is closed, you tell them, guess again, you ain't no punk. Set up your arguments with an ice pick.

Or hit them from behind with a shovel, like a man. And if you want to see how long you can hold your breath without dying, do it underwater, like at home, and you're taller. Carbon monoxide is like AIDS. You ain't gonna win. You better off playing in your car with sex offenders and fireworks. Don't be an idiot. Leave carbon monoxide poisoning to the experts.

Si ganas más que gastas vas a morir con nada. There you go. That was great. Yeah. I forgot about that. That was fun. That was Teddy Loons and Harveld Jenkins. Yeah.

That was Teddy Loons and Harveld Jenkins. Two guys in the boxing industry. Yeah. I miss those guys. I haven't seen them around. They don't air that one anymore. They don't. They should.

Absolutely. Carbon monoxide poisoning. It's like AIDS. You ain't gonna win. Well, remember that scene in Breaking Bad with the cartel? They kill the guys in the truck. This is not like a plot point or anything, guys. Yeah.

But the cartel, the fucking Mexicans come, dude, bro, and they fucking kill the dudes in the car by funneling the carbon monoxide. Oh, that's right. Into the truck, bro. Yeah. What? That was great cray cray. It's intense.

So intense. Show's fucking awesome. Yeah. I love it. We're learning new ways to kill people or dispose of bodies. Yeah. Make drogas. I really find that I can't get into a show unless crimes involve somehow.

Yeah. This is the only thing that makes it interesting. Is that Boy Snoring or what? Oh, that's our son? Yeah. Of course, now he stops. There he comes. There's a bed back there.

He's snoring. He's snoring. I got him a new dog bed today at Petco. Yeah, that's what I liked about the Sopranos. You kind of learn how like stuff goes, like pickups and things like that. How much weight are we going to lose on this thing, you think? Well, the promise is 17 pounds and 17 days. Wow.

I mean, look, that's unrealistic. What you're losing is water weight and you're shitting a lot too. So, but you know what? Shit waits wait too, son. That's what the fuck I'm saying. Keep shitting. You know, you're going to feel better after 17 days. What day are we on right now?

6 or 7. Yeah. Come here, bro. We can do this. Oh my God. I can't believe I have brought this up. I went off the diet yesterday, obviously. Yeah.

I went to the national championship game. Oh my God. Bert Kreischer invited me to go with him and a bunch of his FSU buddies to the game. It was the craziest pregame. Lots of booze, lots of other stuff. Yeah. They really get down. What time did you start your day?

At 11. I had my first beer at 11. Actually about 10.45. Okay. And my second beer was about 11. Did you hear that? Was that you? That was a little throat burp.

It's disgusting. Anyways, the game, I mean, I know you don't like football. Oh my God. It was one of the best, ended up being, it was the best fourth quarter I've ever seen in my life. Definitely in person. How many quarters are there? There are four quarters.

Okay. But the game was, it was so incredible. I've never, ever shown that level of emotion in public. Hell no. It was, it was insane. And people were grabbing me and I was grabbing people who were shaking each other, hugging, high-fiving everybody. It was, because I sat in the FSU section, you know, and it was, it was just when Kermit

Whitfield returned that kickoff 100 yards in the fourth quarter, you would have. Kermit? Well, that's his, yeah, Levante, sorry. Okay. When, uh, Whatever. When he took it back to the house, our section turned, it was pandemonium. I mean, like, I thought I was going to get thrown off of these stairs.

It was so crazy. Oh, nice. And then it was dead silence when Auburn came back and scored with a minute 19 left in the game. So you know this is it. This is your last chance. And then when FSU scored again, it was just, uh, it was, it was amazing. Did you high five people around you and did you guys hug?

Yes. Yes. And I don't know what you guys do at games. Yeah, I know. You're so the worst person to tell this to. We just clapped and stuff. It's like, it actually hurts my heart. Oh, I'm sorry.

Yeah. That you can't even appreciate something like that. I appreciate it for you. No, but you don't. You're just saying you do. Here's why. Honestly, can I tell you the truth? I don't want to know why because that's how much like you're, you're telling me why you

don't like this amazing thing. I don't want to hear why you don't like it. It's too great. I'm going to tell you. Yeah. What I would say is, uh, take whatever there's a reason why, put it up your butthole. It'll come right out and then have it come out and wash it off in the shower. Do that and see if your asshole didn't greasy, doesn't stay greasy.

You know what, Tom? What? Tonight, when you're sleeping, yeah, I'm going to take a hose. Yeah. That the cartel used to kill those guys in the truck. Babe. And I'm going to put one end on my butthole and put the other end to your mouth and nose and make you inhale my farts that I have.

All right. What do you think of that? I think that's really awful because without being attached to your butthole, I've smelled what's in your butthole. I guess the reason I don't get excited about sports. I feel like it's just a game of many. I understand. They're going to play again tomorrow and then it's going to play again tomorrow.

This team, Florida State, they're going to play. It's like never ending. It's not like this is going to stop them from playing games. It's the last game. It was the national championship game. They're national champions. Oh, they won the whole season. Oh, I didn't know that.

I thought this was a national like, oh, one of many of like, you know, the playoffs like it's a final game of the season. Oh, I didn't know. They're like the champions of the universe. Yes. They're number one team. Yes. Number one.

They're number one in the country. They're champions. Oh, I didn't know that. They won the super bowl of college football yesterday. Oh, I'm sorry. I totally didn't understand that. Okay. Well, now I see why you're excited.

Sorry. I thought it was just some regular game. I thought it was like, yeah, like, oh, it's just another fucking. I didn't get that. Sorry, man. I had no idea. That is kind of a big deal. Yeah.

Sorry. Shit. You don't have to apologize. Sorry. I didn't realize, Jeans. I'm sorry. FSU stuff all year now? No.

Are you satisfied? Are you happy with them? Yeah. It was just, like, I got to go. That's why, you know, tickets were, I didn't think I was going to be able to go and I didn't, amazingly, I didn't have to pay for a ticket. I got ticketed by Burt. He invited me to the game.

That's nice. So that was really nice because he knows I'm a big fan and it was really. I know how much you like football. I'm sure he didn't drink a lot, right? Burt had it under control. He never pushes the limit. He was fine. Yeah.

He was totally fine. He was like, I got it. I was like, oh, I can tell you got it. Yeah. He was, he was definitely, no, but that's why it was amazing. Yeah. Well, that's awesome, Jeans. I totally didn't get that.

Oh, that was the whole reason. I mean, that's the whole reason it was anything. Got you. That's awesome. I think I won that shit. Good. Yeah. It's for you, man.

It was pretty cool. Wow. Gator choked. No, you know, it's one to grow on and that's just one to grow on. Yeah. Sorry. Um, so yeah, that I did get to go to national championship game and if you saw on TV, you know, it was fucking crazy.

That's why I was watching that over on television. I know. I just feel like they're so interchangeable. I feel like there's always some game here. And they're always men, ugly, ugly, hideous looking men on television, discussing football. I don't know why they can't get that guy. Remember that guy? He had like shark teeth.

He had like two rows of teeth and they were all covered in plaque and he was like, he's not bad. Mush mouth. Yeah. He did the scene. He looked like he had some plaque. Yeah. You're on national television.

That was Al Michaels, but the one, the one that was really bad was Lou Holtz. Yeah. They're terrible. He has, he has, he has a really bad speech impediment and he's got a droopy dog face. He does not look camera ready. Yo, I gotta tell you, if these were women, they would never let dog, ugly women like this on television. I'll tell you that.

It's so fucking sexist. It's unbelievable that these dog face guys can be on television every night. Yeah. Yeah. Shit. They'd never let a broad on TV who looked that Torah, even if she was like the expertest expert on football. Yeah.

I mean, Lou, the thing about Lou is you go, this is crazy. Here's his, just what he's sent him to. This is him. I'm sure you're asking, what qualifications do I have to be called doctor? Well, I did graduate in the lower half of my high school class and it was a rather stupid class overall. This year. I have written three New York Times bestseller.

The only person in the world has written more books than he's read. I have four honorary doctorate degree and my mother loves me. Those qualifications, let's go to our first call. Hey, Coach Oaks, this is Tim Tebow. You know, there's a lot of talk about me winning second house in trophy, but I really like to lead the Gators to the SEC championship. So my question to you is, how do I stay focused on getting to Atlanta? Well, Tim, that's a great question.

You remember this, the good Lord put eyes in front of your head rather than back. So you can see where you're going rather than where you've been. If you want to lead them to an SEC championship, Tim, you have to be significant and significant is when you help other people be successful and referring to your teammate. Can we have him and Dennis Rodman speak to each other? Yeah, I mean, he's a broadcaster and he's a mush mouth. He can't even, I can't understand what the fucking guy's saying. And he looks like a droopy dog and he's on television.

Yeah, believable, man. So fucking sexist, they can't even handle it. Really? Yeah. Meanwhile, they give shit to every woman on TV. Diane, what's her name? Can't swing a break. She has to show her legs and her tits and everything. Oh, yeah.

They made a big deal out of that, right? Like, oh, you got fucking legs. Like, really? All she wants to do is tell the news. You know what I'm saying? Tell the fucking news. Yeah, son. Yeah, let's see. Can we get to see if we can?

I mean, fuck, even on 60 minutes, they're old as shit, too. That guys are real. What's that? I'm more safer, more safer. Yeah, come on, dude. Please stop talking on television and take the abuse. Oh, my God. Do you have to take the abuse?

Um, in ship, Tim, you have to be significant. And significant is when you help other people be successful. Successful. It says to death. All right, we'll work on that. And just for the record, I'm not making fun of the guy just because he has the pediment. Right, we're making fun because he has it and he's on television.

Yeah, like, if your job is to communicate effectively with millions of people, like, that's your one job, bro. Let's just talk normal. Just talk well and look good. You got to look good on TV. You can't fucking look crazy like that. You can't show up with plaque on your teeth like that other guy, man. Yeah, you can.

You got to clean your fucking shark mouth. He doesn't. All right, sure. Unbelievable, unbelievable. Guys, we love you. We remind you that when people ask you. To take drugs, you ask them how much? How many can I get anything else?

James, no, I love you guys. Uh, I think, um, I just think I love you. I don't know. I feel like, girl, I feel like we've been getting along. Where are the links? The links to the on the site for the shows? Oh, yeah. Your mom's house podcast.com and, uh, go to Flappers comedy.

If you're local to buy tickets for the 23rd, the 23rd and the ice house, the 25th. Yeah. 25th show on the ice house is, is in their room called stage two. So if you go to their site, stage two on the 25th, we're there doing the podcast live. 23rd, it's a super standup show. Yeah. Flappers in the main room and sign up for laughter. That's L A F F S T E R dot com, uh, for the 25th.

That's going to be streaming and you have to sign up in advance. So go, go get your account set up so that you're not scrambling like five minutes before and thank you all of you for email or for tweeting. Jules Ventura, we're in the works. You guys, she just tweeted out, um, that I, I spoke to them and we're working on a date. So success. Oh, I'm working on getting her in here. So that'll be good.

Good job guys. Thanks guys. That was massive. So great. She texted. She was like, um, basically I'll be an asshole if I don't answer. Yeah. If I didn't ask you to be a huge asshole.

Really sweet, you guys. So thank you. Oh, that was nice. All right. Just say no guys. We love you. Yeah. Just say no.

Oh, you've got to do it yourself. Oh, yeah.