Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura - 203-Your Mom's House with Christina Pazsitzky and Tom Segura

Episode Date: March 6, 2014

You ain't even wash it???? You NASTY!!! Do ya thang, gurl! If I beat yo a** in a fight, then I do what I want when I win, ya dig? Do you know your weight class? Figure it out, farty weight!  Tommy had to go potty bad and it almost came out in the car! Tina laughed and that's not nice. Do you think that Robin Wright makes possible suitors sniff her snuff spot? Tommy thinks so. House of Cards (Farts) is the Dogs T**s! Talk smack when you get in a fight, but don't lose focus or your breath.  YMH introduces the world to A LOT of things, Knaw Mean? And HONESTLY, we've done it again. Mommy emails are read that deal with playing with the fart pitch and more! Pull those Jeans a little higher, won't you?

Sharkisha, Sharkisha no. Sharkisha, Sharkisha no. But he's supposed to be my Negro. But he's supposed to be my Negro. He's supposed to be my Negro. Sharkisha no. But he's supposed to be my Negro. Oh my gosh, he's supposed to be my Negro.

Honestly, he's supposed to be my Negro. You have to wipe down. He's supposed to be my Negro. Sharkisha no. Amazing. Outstanding. Outstanding. Outstanding. The most amazing thing ever.

Natoya sent that in. Thank you so much. That was amazing. Thank you Natoya for the acapella. Yeah. In the iPhone is what I think that was. Right into your phone. You know what? It was beautiful.

She did it in American Idol style. Like if you have the talent, it doesn't matter how you're singing. It's going to sound good no matter what. Thank you so much for that. Thank you Natoya. Damn. Did you got jeans? Yeah, it's Friday.

Okay. Friday. Friday. Where are you this week? Friday. I'm with Ernie. I'm up in Tacoma. Tacoma Comedy Club.

Tacoma? Yeah. It just stacks around here. It's paper mills and whatnot. Oh, I've been there. It smells. Yeah. Come out.

Come out. See. See me. See Ernie. AKA Andy Erickson. Tonight and tomorrow. That's it. That's all you got left.

Next week. Shit goes on fire. It is popping, rolling, rocking, however you want to describe it. We will be in Brooklyn doing the podcast live at the Bell House Thursday, March 13th. Get your tickets now. They're on your mom's house podcast.com, Tom Segura.com and Christina comedy.com. The next day, the 14th, we're doing a stand up show in Brooklyn again at the knitting factory.

There's limited seats available. You should get your tickets. You can get them for a discount. You get them online. There's also links on all our sites to go there. The 15th, we are doing the podcast in OH. Columbus. I owe Jesus.

Oh, sorry. I thought you just stopped at a previous age. I owe. That's right. We're doing woodlands backyard. Columbus, Ohio. And we did stand up there last time. This time we're doing the podcast also March 15th.

Today, my special completely normal airs begins streaming on Netflix. You can only see it for the next three years. So make sure you get to it quickly. Wow. That's the time limit? Yeah. Well, that's how long they license it for. That's pretty neat.

I know that. The album comes out the following week, like a few days later. So you can get the album. It's a huge release coming up. I'm very excited. What else? The very next week, we go. We put our jeans on our really our Manfran disco jeans.

And we leave the zipper open so anything can happen because that's what goes down in SF. We'll be at Cobbs on the 20th doing the live podcast, the 21st. We're doing it once again in Los Angeles. This time the West Side Southwest. We should say Hermosa Beach throw up that dub because we're going to be at Hermosa Beach. Comedy and Magic Club. It's a fantastic room. And we really hope you guys come out to that show.

I love doing the show in LA. So we'll definitely be doing that. And we have a bunch of other dates coming up, but that's kind of the short term, right? Yeah. Where are you going to be? Well, dude, that's that we're looking at March. And then, you know, I go to Cleveland April 10th through 13th. That's what that feels like so far away.

Right now I'm in Denver. Please come see me at the Denver Improb. You guys, I'm there through Sunday of this week as this drops March 6th through 9th. Denver was my number one choice for college. Are you serious? Yeah, I just I didn't get in. I didn't know that. Yeah.

You know, what's funny is I applied to many schools and I also didn't get into many of them. Maybe that's why we're married. I didn't do so well in high school. Wasn't that bright? Guys, also please follow us on Twitter at Christina P. At Tom Sakura, because that's where we, you know, drop information, knowledge, interact with you guys. Pictures and stuff. You know, I forgot to mention too, at the end of March, because it was only booked a while ago,

but the end of March, I'm doing San Antonio. Laugh out loud. LOL. It's the LOL call. And they didn't name it that I requested they changed the name. I go, please call it LOL. LOL. LOL.

LOL. So now it's called the LOL call. That's an interesting. I like San Antonio, though. I love Tejas, man. I like Tejas, too. It reminds me of California and some places. No, all of Tejas is its own country.

We're going to be definitely going to another state or city that I love in Texas very soon. Very soon. Let me guess. Is it Corpus Christi? No. Brownsville. It's definitely Brownsville. You're close.

You're close, Jeans. I've been to Brownsville. Oh. I've taken to Brownsville or two today. I took to Brownsville a big one yesterday. Oh, Jeans. Dunburn. All right.

Let's start the show. What's going on? I both got a child on it. Yeah, I wanted to fight. Sure. Let me get the pussy. Come on. Come on.

Come on. Come on. Come on. Come on. Come on. Come on. Come on. Come on.

Come on. Come on. Come on. Come on! Come on! Come on! Come on! Come on!

Come on. Come on! Come on! Come on! Come on! Come on! Come on! Come on!

Come on! Come on! Come on! Come on! Come on! Come on! Come on! Come on!

Come on! I got good direction! That's crazy! Come on! Come on! Come on! Come on! Help!

Help! What's the matter with you guys? Yes. Eat that pussy. It's cool. Is that a child? I don't think so. It sounded like a small child. She was younger.

Who's saying that? You're eating the pussy? Yeah. She's a kid? I mean a teenager. So disturbing. Where did you find that one? Somebody sent it to us.

Somebody is tracking, following somebody who they know, who's about to go start a fight. And then the girl who starts the fight, wins the fight like immediately. And then she talks a lot of shit. And then what she does is to have the girl pinned down. She has her, she's squatting over the girl with her knees on the girl's arm. So the girl who's on top, her crotch is basically on the girl. She's closed. She's fully closed.

And she's punching her and talking shit to her. And then she fake rides and she's like, eat my pussy. I didn't even watch it. It's pretty intense. That's kind of a nice thing to say. I feel like if you win the fight, yeah, do what you want to do. You're allowed to do that. You're on the right to do that.

And I like this. You didn't even wash it. That's a real adding insult to injury. Especially, you know, the thing, it doesn't matter if she had or hadn't. Saying that you didn't wash it is what's done. It's pretty genius. I think it's a pretty neat move. I like it.

And the other girl, how large was she? They're both about the same size. They're both, you know, feather weights. Feather weights. Yeah, they're small. I really call them in real life feather weights. In boxing? Sure.

There's a featherweight category. Like is Manny Pacquiao? Is he a featherweight? No, he's, um, I forget what weight class he fights in. I think he's a 140 something. I forget what that is. What about, what about the guy everybody loves here, Oscar de la Hoya? He was a smaller, uh, same, uh, let's see.

Featherweight. So demeaning. I mean, to those guys, they're so powerful to call them a featherweight. So demeaning, diminishing. Come on guys. Hmm. Tony, can I tell you that about the shit that I took at San Jose? Sure.

This last week. I, uh, I, I, I should a lot in San Jose actually. Okay. Just sorry. I know this breaking news. He, he found, he's fought at light flyweight, flyweight, bantam weight, super bantam weight, featherweight, super featherweight, lightweight and welterweight.

Bantam weight. Yeah. These are all just different. They're just different categories. Um, like when he was really young, he was fighting at basically, you know, just under a hundred pounds. Um, yeah. And then he went up, you know, in, up in weight.

Hmm. So he's fought it quite a few. I guess the featherweight category is, uh, I'm trying to figure it out. Let's see. Yeah. Let's see what I would be boxing at. Um, I'm guessing I'm not, I'm definitely not the weight you said the hundred pounds and under.

I'm not there. Um, I'm, I'm definitely triple digits with my weight. Okay. Here are, we'll take, let's see the WBC, um, their classifications. Okay. You start at straw weight. That's so demeaning. Which is 105.

105. Yeah. Why don't they, they should, that's straw weight sounds like, that's terrible. Why don't they just call you fart weight and weighs nothing. You know what? We could send an email. Why don't we send an email? Why don't you just, so demeaning called burp weight, nothing weight.

Uh, light fly weight is next 108. Light fly. Yes. FLY. Yes. Like a shoe fly. Right. And then fly weight is above that, which is 112.

God damn. Super fly weight is 115. Keep going for me. I'm not fighting. Bantam weight is 118. Still not in the ring. Super Bantam is 122. Still not playing feather weights.

126. That's what a feather is. 126. Super feather weight is 130. Was that about, uh, my wedding weight? Uh, The wedding weight. Light weight is 135.

Super lightweight is 140. This is depressing. I mean, Uh, welter weight is 147. I'm a welter. Welter. I'm a welter. Yeah.

That's it. Um, then it goes up. Super welter weight is 154. Damn. Middle weight is 160. Super middle 168. Light heavy weighs 175. Cruiser weights 200.

And, or, you know, also sometimes known in some categories as a junior heavyweight. And then heavyweight is unlimited. Oh, it's unlimited. Well, I mean, you weigh 350 and you weigh, you could fight a guy who's over 200 for sure. I didn't know that.

So there's kind of a, A cutoff. Uh, Once you're over 200, you're a heavyweight. And then it doesn't matter how fat you are after that. Right. Of course. Or how big.

Yeah. So that's, that's kind of unfair though. Yeah. I mean, Well, if you don't want to fight a fucking giant and you have control of like, you're not six, five. So let's say you're,

you know, five, 10, six feet and you, um, and then you have a little extra on you, you know that you can go below that and fight guys that fight, you know,

you could, you could drop weight to fight at a category below. Yeah. But if you don't, you're not going to qualify to fight the smaller guy. Now these weight qualifications, they, they don't really,

there's not a ton of range. So it sounds to me like you could just take a massive shit and then qualify for a ranking under yourself. Um, the way these guys fuck with weight is incredible. It's unbelievable. They, there are guys who cut,

they will do their weigh in and then once they make, they make weight to put on 20 pounds between the weigh in and the fight. Oh, just to, no, because they cut, they were cutting so harshly to make weight. It's not their normal weight that like they're dehydrated,

they haven't eaten, they make weight and then they're like, cool, you're good to go. And then they, they rehydrate and they eat a bunch. They put on like 20 pounds, some of them.

Damn. And that's just from losing water and taking shits and stuff. Yeah. And just cutting so hard. Like, cause basically even, you know, everybody has,

even if you, let's say you worked out really hard, right? And you were training really hard. You still have like your, this is your weight, like this is your normal, even at a training,

like at a really high training level, you still, your body would only do so much. You'd have to go to extremes if you wanted to cut to a level that your body, a level that your body just doesn't adjust to. Right. So that's what they're doing. They're like,

they're trying to make this extreme thing happen. It's pretty wild. Yeah. Well, I know those guys, wrestlers are the most insane. Yes. I've heard this before.

It's, they're very competitive. So right now, I'm trying to see who is, I guess you're a welterweight. And you said you wanted to, to fight. Yeah.

Let's see what my, my competitors look like. And keep in mind, I'm not 147, I'm a doughy 147. I'm not a muscular person. You know who did, who was a champ at this weight class?

Hmm. Was, um, uh, same shit different toilet. Mm-hmm. You could fight him. Who's that?

What's his name? Adrian Brunner. Okay. He was at a time. That's the best thing. He lost, um, not too long ago.

So you gotta, I had a chance at him. You maybe could, you could maybe score a fight with him. Yeah. Fight. There you go. I could,

you know what I could challenge? I could challenge other women and shitting because I do feel like my dumps are competitive. I dump frequently. I don't, I, I'm proud of what I do.

Yeah. Like when I was in San Jose, I had such a dump at the club, like, cause I was, you know, taping and I, I get a little nervous now before big shows like that.

Yeah. And I, I took such a shit like, do you ever take a dump and then you look and you're like, Oh my God. It's pretty bad. It was a foot longer.

Yeah. Yeah. Foot long and you don't, it feels like a normal length. How does that happen? It's like, it's like one of life's great mysteries. How does it happen that I think it's a normal poo

and then it's a foot longer? That's really interesting. Yeah. Um, I think it's called Zeno's parent paradox and philosophy. That, that's what that is.

Yeah. It's the mystery of how come this dump doesn't feel as large as it is. Some philosophers have worked on, I'm sure Bertrand Russell wrote a book on this too. Do you have, um, any more information about how we could discover why that poop was so long?

I mean, this is really interesting stuff. Yes, Tom. Actually, we can discuss. Now I've been eating a lot of power bars because I was traveling a bunch and I don't really have access to good foods and airports. So I tend to stay away from processed bad things. Okay.

I wasn't eating that stuff, but what I was doing, I said power bar. I had, um, at the hotel, I had some salmon and some salad for dinner. And then at the club,

I had some cheese and olives. Oh. Oh. Oh. Somebody sent us that. This is the new one. That's one of them. This is a recent one.

Yeah. Um, Jesus. And it was a sturdy one. It was a good one. It wasn't, it was like a glider as your dad would say. Hmm. How are your dumps been?

Um, they've been, today was real bad. You were privy to that. I forgot. Yeah. I haven't laughed that hard in so long. That was not funny.

It wasn't funny. It wasn't funny. That was the best day of my life. This is the best thing ever. It happened. Ooh. We get seven. Oh.

Oh my God. Oh no. It's about to happen. It sounds sprinkly. It's like raining. Oh, I don't like this. It's,

the email says a six. Christ. Thanks, Tennessee. Well, walk us through your dump today. It was so funny. Today,

we, we went to our snusci spot for lunch. And our waitress, by the way, was so nice. She finally snapped into shape. She stopped insulting us about our order. She just accepts it now that we're two fucking Gordos

and we like to eat. And they're going to get closing soon. So they were just like, fuck it. A bummer. Yeah. So don't walk me through it. Well, what happened was, I got to this coast.

And, you know, when you spend three days, four days on the east coast and you fly back, your body clock's all fucked up. So we had dinner last night. You thought you were going to have gut problems last night. Well,

it's funny because I landed and then I came home and we were like, oh, let's go eat. And then I immediately felt vicious intestinal pain, just like stabbing diarrhea pain. Yeah. And I'm like, oh fuck, I just got diarrhea. And I went to shit.

And it was just a normal shit. And then again, I had that intestinal pain and just a normal dump. So, you know, I didn't end up, I don't know what that was. Maybe just a slight irritation. Yeah.

And then today, you know, you thought you were fine, but what happened to me was, I was fine. Then I woke up this morning. You know, when you wake up

and the very first thing that comes to your attention is that you have to shit. It's unusual. Usually you don't go like, I got to shit the second I get up. I got to tell you, I don't think that's ever happened. Right.

And it wasn't an emergency like violent explosive. It was just regular. So I went in first thing I did was shit. Then I had my coffee and hung out and whatever. Then when we went for a snoosh lunch, I was sitting there and I'm talking to you. Oh, we should bring up what we're talking about in a moment. But then you,

I said to you, Hey, do you remember the last time we were here? And you go, what? And I go, you go, oh, you clogged the toilet. And I was like, yeah. Did we even talk about that on the show? I don't know if we did or not. I don't think we.

We clogged it. It rose all the way to the top. No, no, no, no. You clogged it. Oh, right. I clogged it. You were there though. Yeah.

I clogged it. And then I was like, fuck. Fuck. Yeah. I was really fucking pissed about it. Shit, dude, bro. I flushed. Yeah.

It was a mess. Was it all brown or was it toilet paper that ruined it? The water was very brown. It was kind of, it wasn't good. But what clogged it? You're brown? I think it was the paper. I used too much paper there.

It's always the paper. It's always too much paper. So anyways, I pressed flush and it rose up. The panic. Oh no. Oh no. And then instead of flushing it again and rice, we got to get the fuck out of here.

And I just pulled you out of there. Yeah. They all knew it was me too. Everybody saw me. They knew what's up. They're like, that fucking Gordo white guy just did it. But then today it hit me. It was like second to last bite.

And I was like, ooh, I must do it again. And then I was like, fuck, I'm going to clog their toilet again. And I don't know what, I should have just gone. But instead I was like, we got, I got to get home. And I held on to it. And I was driving kind of a little, little reckless, little speedy. Well, what happened? Yeah, we ran through a few stop signs.

We pulled out of the driveway of the place and then immediately you had to shit. It's like your, it's like your butt has mental telepathy or whatever that is. It's connected. And you sped up and you were like, we were at a red arrow and you're like, come on. Come on. Fuck shit. Come on. We hit every red light.

We hit everyone. You thought it was so funny. That was kind of cruel the way that you were enjoying it. And I liked doing things like, I like when you, we tried to get out of the car quick. I'm like, come here. I want to talk to you. Let's cuddle. I want to talk.

It was a disaster. The really neat thing that you did, that our listeners should know is that we were, we sat down, we're having a nice lunch together. And then my wife says to me out loud, I know you want to sniff that Robin rights butthole when I was like, excuse me. Yeah. Cause I, I'm going bananas on house of cards right now. It's another one.

It's almost, I'm glad again that I didn't watch it immediately because I've been able to enjoy it for longer. Yes. So there's not that many episodes. I think total is 26 for a first season and second season. I'm almost done with season two. I've been just, just devouring it and then telling you like, you got to watch it. Now you got to watch it.

And, and then you're like, I know you want to sniff that Robin rights butthole. Well, I go, excuse me. And you're like, you do. And I go, yeah, that's true. Well, here's what happened. Coincidentally, you were watching house of farts on the road and I was watching a movie with her in it and Naomi Watts. Oh, that's right.

It's a movie about them fucking each other's teenage sons. It's fucking weird. It's called a door. Yeah. Any hoodles. I was watching her and I go, God, this woman is such Tommy's type. You like him older. You like, she's really demure and really pretty and really kind.

And I just, it just reeked of your type. And I, I was thinking to myself, I bet he really wants to fill her up and seal her shut. But more than that, I feel like you really would get filthy with her. You want to sniff her butthole, lick her ass, let her, you know, fart on you. Like you would take it to an absurd level, not just banging her. Why do you think I would take it to an absurd level? Because you're, I think you'd really be in there. Like you really, she really would do it for you.

Huh. Yeah. Okay. But didn't, I thought you felt as though she would demand such a thing from you. I think the first thing that Robin Wright does when she meets you, if she likes you, she goes, you know, she shakes your hand and she goes, she takes her skirt off and she lowers her underwear. And then she spreads her cheeks and she goes, why don't you have a lick of that? I think that's what she does.

Hi, my name is Robin Wright. Yeah. And she looks like one of those broads, like she's super fit. I think everyone does too. I think they go, huh. They just lick her butt. Yeah. Well, that's what Sean Penn did for a million years.

She's a kind of, I bet you, I'm guessing vegan, macro, biotic. Oh, she's not fun to eat with for sure. No, like she, she doesn't have carbs, no alcohol, no dairy. She probably talks about uh, veganism and veganism all the time. And you know, those fucking hippie causes. She was married to Sean Penn. He's another two. Yeah.

She's got way too many, I'm sure, agendas. Demands. For fuck's sake. But you'd still, you'd still sniff her butthole. Absolutely. Yeah, but it's delicious. But the reason I can say that to you is because look, it's not going to happen. We don't know, but yeah, I mean, not today.

Chances are you're never going to get the opportunity to sniff Robin Wright's butt. You can set your own limitations. Please don't set mine. Oh, is this a not positive? Should we make it a positive affirmation? Make it happen? I would appreciate it much more. Tom is now licking Robin Wright's butt.

And Joyce licking Robin Wright's butt. Robin Wright's butt tastes like fresh baked cupcakes. No way. Her butthole, I mean, she's eating. Nice. No. She is well groomed, well taken care of. I think it's a delightful vanilla.

I think it's nice. I think it's pretty, I think she poops a lot because she's definitely a vegan. Number one, a lot of veggies. I bet you she wipes twice and there's nothing, no more brown. Oh, you're saying that she's that much of a lady. There's no brown on the paper even. I bet there's not much. It's really, really fucked up, if you to say.

What if she, when she shits, she says Robin Wright as she shits? You think she does that? Robin Wright. Robin Wright. I'm Robin Wright. Ah, fuck. That's Jenna, you know. Jenna.

She died of AIDS in that movie. Yeah. Why'd you get those AIDS? She had sex with Forrest and made the baby come out of her cooter too. Hello, Bofeo. I'm scared. This is that fight we were playing in the beginning. This is how it started.

Let's see what happened. Oh. One girl took the other one. She's getting her pretty girl. Get out of the beach. Get out of the beach. Get out of the beach. Get out of the beach.

Get out of the beach. Get out of the beach. You ain't going nowhere. Stay right there. Fuck him again. Fuck him again. I know that dick was big. Don't beat them.

This is over a guy again. That's too bad. She's mad that the other girl fucked her guy. You know, when I was young too, I would have fucking beat a bitch. For fucking your guy? Yo, man. Oh, I want it too. I had boyfriend cheat on me.

I was ready to go fuck and claw that bitch's face up too. Yeah. I think in black girls, when they fight, it is a lot of verbal assault. I think that's the source of their power is they also use their words. You know, it's a huge psychological advantage. It's to tell people things like, eat my pussy. Even I didn't shower it today. It's dirty.

Eat it. That kind of stuff gets inside your opponent's head. Yeah. Now, are boxers allowed to talk shit? Yeah, you definitely can. Do each other directly in the fight? With the exception of James Tony, they rarely do. He does it during sparring sessions.

He's like, fuck. Yeah, I shit. And he's like, he's like 40 pounds overweight. You bitch. Your mom is like, I mean, yeah, you don't see it much. They're usually not fucking around because there's probably they're so focused on during the fight. There's really no focus.

You don't want to do, you know, there's been little moments of it before. Can I tell you too, like having fought with black chicks before that at least when I was engaged in. I thought we were talking about boxing or, okay, go ahead. I was thinking about the clip is that when I was just defending myself, let's be fair here. I wasn't really fighting. I was just kind of trying to defend myself.

You're not, you've got to be so, how do I say this? You've got to be so transcendent of that moment to be able to like shit talk somebody as you're fucking them up. It's pretty extreme. You understand? Like you've got to be so proficient at fighting that you can have the wherewithal to be like, fuck you shit. Like to come up with arguments and like sayings.

It's pretty good. You've got to be really good at fighting. Street fighting. Let's see if she says anything else. Oh, she's putting face to C. No. Bitch, you can't fight. How?

You can't fight. Bitch, you can't fight. Y'all see I just beat the bitches. Okay. I just beat the bitches. They quit. As you say. Hit that bitch again.

Let the dick go big and I'll be running like this. Oh my. And I'll be running like this. Hit his face. Bitch, fuck wrong shoes. Fuck wrong shoes. Bitch. Now bitch, when I let you walk, try to do something.

I'll be the fuck out you again. Yeah. It's brutal. It's pretty intense. Um, hold on. I... Oh, listen. Yeah.

That's a pretty crazy clip. Yeah. Yeah. It's really crazy. You know, um, our show has obviously, you know, set the mark with so many different people. I mean, yeah, we, we introduced, um, the great, uh, what's her, what's her tits, uh, deep throat, uh, angel to the world.

Don't think that... Angelflash, yeah. Put your dick between your legs. And then that was on, uh, Stern, we had her first. We obviously brought the whole entire world's attention to King Astro. And then that was on Tosh. And let's be honest, who, if anyone, brought this word to the lexicon, who's the... What show has made this a popular expression?

I mean, let's just be honest. Honestly. Uh... It's our show. Uh... We're the honestly champions. Um, and then Jimmy Kimmel took notice that another show is now pretty into the word. Would you like to hear?

Yeah. Okay, here we go. You know, over the many, many seasons of The Bachelor, we've had the pleasure of... I love Kimmel, by the way. Yeah, he's great. Watching closely for this show. Over the years, we've noticed an interesting thing. They use the word amazing a lot.

A lot. This season, a new word has emerged, which... A word that could possibly knock amazing from its perch. The word is honest, or forms of the word honest. And let's see how much honesty they gave us tonight. I totally appreciate you being honest with me. Everything has been honest. It's offensive to you that I'm honest.

Honesty. The difference between being honest and being f***ing honest. I'm being honest. I'm honest. There's a difference between being honest. There's a difference between being honest and f***ing being honest. You have to be honest. Honest.

Honest. I appreciate your honesty. I'm all for honesty. Based off of honesty. Honesty. Honesty. Honesty. Honesty.

Honesty. Honesty. I'm being honest. It's not honest. I'm being honest. I'm being honest. Okay. 1-0-7-5.

That's in one episode. That's impressive. Again, I'd never heard the word used before your mom's house. Right. So I just want to give credit for credit as due. Honestly. It's your mom's house. That's a jeans unit.

That is a jeans unit. Credit. 100%. If you're not into it, then you can lie to yourself. You can say that it's not, but I think we all f***ing know. Get that jeans unit s***, man. Guys, I have some listener email here. Oh, pleat by all jeans.

Yes. This is from the jeans unit. So a lot of feedback regarding your butt whistle. I mean, a lot of feedback about... Manipulating the fart pitch. I got a lot of tweets about it. Yeah. You know, I had no idea that this topic would be such a divisive issue amongst our listeners.

And apparently just a torrent of feedback correcting me that I am mistaken in my assumption that people don't really do that that often. Here's just a couple of emails, some feedback. Here we go. This is from Adam. He writes, Hey, I wanted to write in to confirm Tom's idea that many men alter the pitches of their farts. Please read this seriously. I'm sorry.

It's just so good. Although spreading your cheeks or lifting your leg are appropriate methods of doing so. I would argue that there is a more effective method. Okay. The method I choose to utilize allows for more control over the fart pitch. Okay. This method starts by making a cup with your hand. You then take this quote cup and place it over the butthole, creating an airtight seal.

Oh. As you begin to release your gas, lift up one side of the hand cup. And he writes, I usually use the pinky side of the hand. Okay. If you do this slowly, this will allow you to change the pitch throughout the entirety of the fart. Or if you're looking for extra fun, you can rapidly lift your hand up and down, creating a duck quack sound. I urge you to give this method a whirl. Wow.

Sniff that one, baby. I also have some more listener feedback. That's really, by the way, really interesting. And obviously this guy is musically inclined to cup and move. Yes. I mean, he's essentially a trumpet player. Like when they put that. Oh, that thing.

That's what he's doing. It's exactly the same. Is that the end of a toilet plunger that they put on there? That's what Louis Armstrong would do. Yes. But he would also do that. If you read his biography, he also did it with his farts. Louis Armstrong did that.

What a wonderful foil. Yeah, of course. He did. He wrote that in his biography. I didn't catch that. That's interesting. It's very well known. It's his secret.

It's his secret. We got another email from Phillip. He writes, you guys talked about deliberately altering the pitch of your flat flatulence in episode 201. Congrats, by the way. I have never done this, but allow me to share a technique of my own or possibly my cousins. We don't remember exactly who invented it. Okay. The goal of this technique is to allow air to enter into the anus for the purpose of farting it right back out.

Okay. Here it goes. You need to assume the doggy style position with your cheek on the floor and your ass all the way up in the air. Okay. Oh, I see. Your face cheek on the floor. You want to sort of flex your anus gently as if trying to pass a perfect number four on the Bristol stool chart. Okay.

All caps. I'm imagining this is very important. Yes. He writes, do not push hard. Okay. You want your anus to stay in this state, almost a neutral state. You want it to stay open, but don't make a conscious effort to suck in with your a-hole or you will actually close it tight as if you're trying to keep a turd in. Maintain your anus in this position.

Experiment a bit. You'll find it until you feel a coldness in your colon. This is the air entering you. Allow it to enter you until you have an appropriate amount and then fart it out with gusto. Feel free to play with pitch for a hybridization of our techniques. The body of mind to whom I taught this technique eventually surpassed my skill and really elevated the art. Can you learn to do this? I always thought this was just a gift certain people had.

He's really telling you how to do this. I had a roommate that could do this, but I always just watched in awe. Like, you know, like he was just as a gift, like he was like a gifted, you know, violin player. I was like, oh my God, you're so talented. Why don't we try it? Would you be willing to try this out? Of course I'm willing to try. Of course.

Oh my God. I hope we get to that point. There you go. Unbelievable. I'm very, very impressed. Oh, I'm sorry. This is from Booger Magician. Oh, Booger.

Yes. He contributes regularly. Thank you, Booger Magician. Thank you for challenging. That seems like it's a challenge to everybody that listens to this show to try to get the farts to enter you before you can let them come out. Just an alternate method, you know. We're all about alternate techniques here at your mom's house. Yeah.

I love this idea. Do you know we got, this song was submitted to us and you're telling me it's not a listener. Well, it was said to us by a listener, but it's a YouTube song and it only has like 80 or so views on it. So I'm wondering if somebody made this who's a listener. Yeah. Or if it's just random. I don't know. I looked in the comments and one of the comments was like, it's your mom's house.

So maybe or it's your mom made it or something. Okay. Well, who knows? Here it is guys with a song. We're not sure who made it. How about that? Here we go. There we go.

What the fuck is this? 00:38:47,340 --> 00:38:48,340 What the f*** is this? What? What? What the f*** is this? What the f*** is this? What the f*** is this?

That's impressive, huh? Isn't that called the kids call dubstep now? There is. I don't know what that is. Is that dubstep? I don't know what that is. These kids are doing these days. Is this a racy cap?

I'm going to eat it. Nice. You know that we got an email about this commercial? They said Christina is the voice of this commercial. Do you see that one? No. No. I listened to it.

I did kind of go like, ooh, I can see how they think, sir. It's a Starburst commercial. Oh, okay. Here we go. What is it? No, no, it's not. It's not bad. Is it some awful?

No, no, no. But like they said that the voiceover part is you. Let's listen. Let's give it a shot. How do they make Starbursts taste so juicy? Well, I hear there's this orchard. There's this orchard where Michael Bolton serenades the trees. It's called Boltonizing.

It creates the juiciest flavors in the world. Okay. Starburst. I don't know. The orchard. No, I don't know. I thought it was it. The first voice would sound like me, huh?

No. How do they make Starbursts taste so juicy? That's you? That sounds like me a little bit better. Well, I hear there's this orchard where Michael Bolton serenades the trees. It's called Boltonizing. It creates the juiciest flavor. Juiciest flavor.

I see that. It's a little bit, right? It's me on a good day. It's me on like a girly, girly. And then when I'm tired, I get real. There's a third voice that tags the commercial. Flavors in the world. Okay.

Starburst. I'm explainably juicy. That's not me. That is not me. That's such a voiceover. Unexplainably juicy. Like Starburst. Yeah, it's so good.

Unexplainably juicy. Yeah. Starburst. Make your pussy dry. Excuse me? That part of it? What? What?

Why would you say that? Cherry flavor. All of that. They'd sell so many more. Pussy drops. They were like, we marinate these in girls. Pussies. And then their pussies, uh, hold on to them for a week and they're not allowed to let

them out of their stinky little pussies. And then once you, the girls, we throw them out. Once the girl lets one of these out, we throw them out because they're no longer useful girls. It's like a puppy mill first for pussy starburst. Yeah. Starburst. It's called pussy bursts.

Why don't you email these ideas? Um, this episode is really classy. So this is a real classic, real classy. I think it's cause I'm brain dead. I think people like pussy burst. That guy is great. You. Okay.

We got this sent to us. Is this craigslist? Yeah. It's like one of those missed connections on misconnection. Yes. I saw you at the, at the baseball game, you had a red dress. I think you're lovely. Right.

Yes. And it's like M when it's like M for M, it's man for male for M for W. So that's what this is. Yeah. This is male for woman. This is man for woman with the headline you farted in Trader Joe's. Is this person looking for me? They might be.

Let's, why don't we read this? I think I do that every week. I go into TJ's story of my life. You farted in Trader Joe's. And now this person, all they want to do is reconnect. Yeah. What's the problem? Yeah.

Trader's Joe is my dad says Joe. Here we go. It says, here's what the ad says. You were the tall brunette with the near perfect body that farted in the bread section last night in the bread. I was the tall guy next to you that looked over and asked, was that you? You quickly replied, no, wasn't me. Wasn't me.

You almost seemed insulted. I would ask as the stink grew, you continue to deny your flatulence, but it was evident. I tried to get rid of the stench by waving two loaves of Shabbat bread. You proceeded to storm off in an angry manner. You are, you are beautiful. And even if you are a liar and fart like a Clydesdale, I'd love to meet up sometime. Yeah. Caught me farted on the bread.

Wasn't me. Wasn't me. And that song. Waving Shia Bada. Wasn't me. More farts later, hopefully. More masterful farts later. I hope she responds with that.

Do you think, how many people check those, I wonder, right? I mean, they're so cute. They're so fun. I don't know. I don't know. Has anybody ever actually gotten together with someone on a misconnection? Of course. It has to have been.

That has actually found love from a Craigslist misconnection. Please write to us at your mom's podcast at gmail.com. Yes. And tell us about it. Because I have been endlessly curious if this ever actually works. Like, do you think, first of all, I'm not sure. Excuse me. I throw up a little bit.

What, um, what his angle is. Like, what's the angle? What's he trying to do? Like shame her. Yeah, I don't know. Be cute. I don't know what he's trying to do. I don't know if it's a good method.

He said near perfect body. I would have just gone with perfect, right? If you really like her. Yeah, that's true. Near is a bit. I think it was just somebody who was trying to humor us all. Trying to bring a little lightheartedness to the world. It's so funny.

It is fantastic. Yeah. I wish you would get on Craigslist and do casual encounters. You know, I didn't even mention the other day. Is that over the weekend, last weekend, I was, uh, I got to spend time with, um, the man. Casey. Oh, that's right. The original.

And, uh, he hinted at it. He knew a little bit. He knew where the dudes are at. Yeah. Yeah. There was a guy came up and one of the guys came up to me at the show. I was like, um, hey, so, uh, is he here? And I go, who?

This is the guy who was just at the show. And he goes, uh, where are the dudes at? And I go, he's actually downstairs right now. We were at good nights in Raleigh. He's at the bar. And then I went down to the bar later to meet up with Casey and his lovely wife, Les. And, um, uh, then the guy goes, Hey man, where the dudes at? Uh-uh.

Casey was like, do you know the real story? Do you know the story? Here's the real story. What a dude that. And then he told him the story. Wow. He didn't share though. He didn't tell.

He didn't tell. No, I kept it a secret. I don't ever know, uh, where Casey keeps the dudes. Yeah. I don't know. It's one of life's greatest mysteries. It's a huge mystery. Yeah.

It's an absolutely huge mystery. You guys have no idea what we're talking about. It's a very early episode of your mom's life history. There's so many things now that are old. Right? Yeah. This is like from very, very, very, very early. If you go back deep into the archives, uh, where the dudes at is, is his friend Casey

from college and there's a story and it kind of blew out of control. Yeah. Uh, cause people were harassing Casey on Twitter about where the dudes are at. And he had to, uh, delete his Twitter account. And then he told me he didn't want that to be an issue. Uh, and future job searches that when people would like Google him, that people would be like, Oh, so why does everybody ask you where dudes are at? It's kind of smart, you know?

Yeah. Yeah. I guess. I guess case you got that one on me. Yeah. Yeah. Um, I asked you guys to write in your favorite moments from the last 200 episodes. My lord.

And, uh, this is just, I just kind of got into these. So my apologies. Hello from mom's Australia. Kylie writes, fave moments by far over the last hundred eps. Anytime shaky jeans is mentioned. Who cares if people send letters. It's funny. Shit.

Yeah. It's an awkward way from a shaky arm right back at you, mommies. And then she writes, judge, judge, judge jeans unit. Uh, Kevin writes in, I'm kind of partial to the King ass Ripper. Damn. Damn. Uh, picking them top moment from your 200 episodes will be like me trying to decide who the main mommy is.

Wow. He goes, but if I had choose the Winnipeg bombing, that was pretty crazy. Yeah. That was insane. The Maria episodes. Well, the Winnipeg bombing is, uh, that's historical event. Right. That's 172.

I'm trying to, uh, give it. So in case somebody doesn't know, um, let me look it up real quick. Yeah. Go ahead. I'll keep reading the Maria episodes. Of course. Who doesn't love Maria and then oil oil oil in the road. Well, they're going way back, man.

Yeah. The retired girl. I like that he writes the retired girl, the retired girl with a quote, big words and the story and the story about you guys getting Theo. Oh, that's so sweet. Thank you for this. Wow. Thank you.

Yeah. Thanks, Kevin. I did like the Tourette's though. Those work. My favorite episodes too. Those guys jump out of dices, pubes, ginger, he dices, pubes, ginger. Oh, those are real. Another gay man.

Johnny Davidson. Yeah. 50 facts. Another gay man. Oh, by the way, I had my old college roommate. Right to me because he listens to our podcast and sound off on our fart debate on whether or not men use the butt whistles. I mean, what do you say?

He's like, oh yeah, I definitely do. He went out of his way. We haven't emailed in a couple months and he was like, I have to let you know this. I listened to the show. It's very important. I'm like, all right, thanks. To any new listener, the Winnipeg bombing is episode 172. And we go in detail to a horrific show that I bomb at horribly.

The Maria spread out throughout a bunch of episodes. It's hard to just lock her down. Yeah. Usually we put her in the title, like if we have a call with her. Yeah. Well, not necessarily in the title, but she would be in the description of the episode. Yeah. Yeah.

But I usually write it in there, like on the bottom of the episodes. You mean title though on our website. On the website. Good call. If you want to search our website for those archived episodes, that's probably the best way to do it. Just type in Maria. Yeah.

And you can go all the way back there to look for the Tourette's. Oh my God. Because we do Tourette's a couple of times. That little girl, her voice is so great. Oh my God. Yeah. And then I was saying swears like nigger and stuff. Oh my God.

And stuff. Big words. Big words. Big fucking words. Big words. And then of course everybody, we get a lot of messages a lot. A lot were about Tony Hinchcliffe's mother. God damn, that was amazing.

The great joy who just let everybody know. Everybody. There's no such thing as Wednesday. God. There's no such thing as Wednesday. What? The last time she was on was 105. If you want to go back, she's unbelievable.

Talk about getting to know the underbelly and the inner workings of a world most people don't. That's definitely one of those episodes. Yeah. I'm sorry. 105 was his first appearance. I think that one is 161. 161 with Joy's mother.

Well, with her telling us there's no such thing as Wednesday. There's no such thing as Wednesday. So Joy was a numbers runner. Yeah. And like a bookie. A bookie. So if you want to know. There's no such thing as Wednesday.

If you want to know what that means, check out 161. But go to Tony's episode first. 107 you said? 105. He's on the first time and we get her. I think we talked to her briefly there even maybe. No, no. We talked about her and then we called her when he came in here.

That's the first time she's on there. I would love to get Joy in here and really get into it. I'd be great if she was in studio. Me too. That'd be fantastic. But what a neat way to find out about the underbelly of society. Yeah. Because you don't really get to learn how to do bad shit.

And that's the problem. Yeah. We want to know how to do bad shit. Yeah. Not just tell me why it's wrong. Because not all bad shit's necessarily that bad, right? Right. God damn it.

That's right, Jeans. Big words. Big fucking words. Let's see. What else I got for you? I've been going through these emails. This girl writes in. This kind of made me sad from her name is El Luisa.

She writes, my boyfriend and I have been living together for about a year. And anytime I have to toot, I have to toot it in the bed in the bathroom or anywhere. I always lift one cheek to silence it. I'm a powerful pooter. That's an interesting approach. You have a gamble, wouldn't you say? She lifts a cheek. One cheek to silence.

To silence. Right. Because if there's no pressure around the air, there's no sound. You know what we need is some physicist or somebody with a science background to really school us on all of this. On sound and sound waves and you know. Wow. Resonance and what have you. Please submit your resumes.

This is a very important topic. We really don't want this to get away from us. I'm just so fearful of spreading my cheeks during a fart. It seems so counterintuitive. Okay. Okay. I mean, if you spread a cheek, how come the brown won't come flying out? Well, you've heard we need to know.

We're at your mom's podcast at gmail.com. Your mom's podcast at gmail.com. There's no house in the email address. We love getting your emails. We read some of them as you can tell. You send us fantastic clips and videos and audio. And you also submit your songs. We have another song submission.

I'm really excited to open this. I haven't heard this. Okay. We'll be hearing it for the first time right here right now. Let's see how this goes. You ready? I'm ready. All right.

You know my name is Carla. Okay, Miss Carla. I'll give you a fucking name. Yeah. Miss Carla. Remember to put your hands together. Mine's called 3-4-7-8-9-9-8. It's the Miss Carla remix.

I love it. That's intense. It reminds me of the 90s. That reminds me of industrial house music a little bit. Thank you, Noel. I feel like I should be wearing a KMFDM shirt stomping around. All right. Well, check it out.

We had a great week this week, obviously. And next week is going to be way crazier. So, we hope you will tune in to our tune in, download, stream, however you listen to this show. Spread your cheeks and listen. Spread your cheeks all the way apart. Put your earbud in your sphincter and let your mom's house resonate in your butthole. Yeah.

There you go. There you go. So, anyways, thank you, as always, for listening to this show. We love you very much. We love you, Jeans. Je-je-je-je-je Jeans units. Je-je-je-je-je-je Jeans. All right.

We'll talk to you soon. Love you. Bye-bye. Bye now. I'm just going to let it go. I'm just going to let it go. Bye-bye.