Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura - 234-Your Mom's House with Christina Pazsitzky and Tom Segura

Episode Date: June 27, 2014

Take care of your rectum and its "situations" or get a Woolery-approved lubricant to stop the pools of blood.  We can't stop the madness and the madness is in the form of music. MAKE IT STOP! Or don't?  How come an itchy butt will just pop up out of nowhere? We break it down! We're thinking of getting a (legal) slave - PLUS Dental Updates, a NEW Corporate song and more!

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I have a song for you. I'd like to do it. I'd like to go to the bar. Plug in my iPod, listen to him, talk trash on that. He's talking about your mom's house. Podcast, stop that laughing, ain't gonna happen, the fix for a piss, poor day, this gay discourse of mixed sorts. Get the pitch, fortune, listen by the bell, hey, you're in jail, laying with your poor

to wicked cellmate. Or when you tell, gay, listen before the game starts, play cards, listen by your shop, listen to K-Mart. Honest, I mean it, it's not a big secret, I'm often seated in the kitchen, listen in the time of Christina, at the end of a rough day, get a mug to drink, get my nut shade, if I'm lucky, get it, then a love date, just great, like the devil loves flames, like the devil loves heavy metal women who love snakes, this is just the thing to help your nerves and calm down.

I like when out, bitch. Welcome to your mom's house. Take it mom's house. Welcome to your mom's house. Welcome to your mom's house. Welcome to your mom's house. Welcome to your mom's house. Your mom's house, starring Christina, Prisciuscu.

And Tom Sidoro. Especially parents fly. Top dog. It could actually happen to me, Orlando Airport West. And Joe Double. Is there anything worse on the planet than an inspiring white wrap up? Yeah. Your mom's house. Your mom's house.

Welcome to your mom's house. Congratulations. It's great. I got to meet Joe Double in person. And I was like. I feel so bad. I made fun of white rappers. Because I really like your song.

Yep. Good call. You know it. You hear it and you know it. You know Beyonce sings about? What's that? Fucking. And then getting dissed by a dude.

I think there's a lot of, you know, undoubt with feelings in her marriage. I'm just saying. It's always like. Fuck you bitch. You know he's like. You don't think it's on the up and up? I think she deals a lot.

Let's just, let's put it that way. Okay. Yeah. That was top dog side. That was pretty good. Okay. Okay. Where are you going?

Where are you this week? Double dog jeans? Right now I'm in Buffalo, New York. How's the weather? It's hot. Yeah. It's humid. You know.

It's east coast. It's summertime. Your summer jeans are on. Oh yeah. 100%. You have your jeans shorts? Your shorts on? I always wear my Daisy Duke shorts.

Yeah. In the summer? That's what I'm all about. Okay. You got your shorts on buddy. Multiple shorts. Yeah. Good buffalo.

So that's fun. And helium? Yeah. Helium and buffalo. I'm actually very excited to do it. Never been to Buffalo. The pearl of the northeast. I'm very, very excited.

It's not. They don't call it that. The pearl of the northeast. Yeah. Of course they do. Who calls it that? That's sort of how they're known. No.

That's silly. Yeah. Nebraska is. Yeah. Yeah. Of the northeast. You're right. I get them confused.

I'm going to Buffalo, Nebraska. That's the sound of buffalo next. Yeah. I hope you guys are coming out to see me. Next week I'm in my home right now, Los Angeles for a week. Just wearing jeans and sitting around. And just, you know, being. Calling in jeans.

That's better. Yeah. Then in a couple of weeks, the Fox and Fiddle of London, Ontario, a place called Absinth in Hamilton, Ontario, which is what's it called? Hamilton, Ontario, which is two days before the great big amazing super show. Super jeans. Taking place in Toronto at the, what is it called? The cinema?

Oh, I'm, I'm afraid I don't know the name. Okay. Well, it's on their website. Yeah. Yourmomshousepodcast.com has that super show ticket. Um, the other cities I have on my site, TomSugarra.com. Uh, a week after I go to Fartford, Hartford, Connecticut, um, the funny bone 17th through the 20th, then Christina and I are together, Ontario Improv, Ontario, California 25th through

the 27th and punchline Sacramento. I ran out July there. TomSugarra.com for those tickets to super show in Toronto. Go to yourmomshousepodcast.com. Tina Jeans. Oh, you can see me performing the Brea Improv July 3rd through 6th, but there's no 4th or 3rd July show because it's America's celebration. Um, and then July 12th with my jeans.

July 24th, 27th in Ontario with my jeans. And then very special August 9th. I know it's a little bit in advance, but August 9th, I'm doing a show at the Ice House Annex, a 730 and a 930 for jeans only, real mommies only. Real mommies only. Only come if you plan on wearing your summeriest jeans and pulling them up so high and tight that your crotch splits in half and you rip your nuts off. Wow.

What if you're a lady? Then your labia gets cut up. It's already divided, but it's going to rip your vagina in two. Okay. And then August 14th through 17th, Roosterty Feathers in Sunnyvale. And that's in California. Boom. Boom goes the dynamite.

Is that it? That was it, Jeans. And then guys, I know you shop on Amazon.com. I'm sorry. I'd say that address right. Yeah. W. W.

No, that's not even right, dude. Ah, shit. H-T-T-P colon slash slash. Forward slash. Fuck. It's a forward slash. Forward slash forward slash. W-W-W.

Dot. Amazon. Your mom's house. I want them to go to all that and then your mom's house, podcast.com. Correct. Go to that URL we just said when, when you need to do your shoppings on Amazon. Right. Don't go to theirs.

Go to ours and then go through our banner. Yeah. What happens is you click on the banner on our homepage and it takes you to Amazon. And then you do your shopping like you normally would. Right. There's no extra step, dude. That banner. It's so easy.

And then... And then Amazon knows that you went through our site and we get a little bit of a kickback, but if a lot of you do it, it helps us out. We can get a new bed. Yeah. If you like our show, if you enjoy the show, please support your jeans. Got it. Yeah.

Buy your barbecues. Your 4th of July stuff's coming up. You want to buy your flags? Yep. You want to buy 40 flags for your house? That's right. And if you go to the site, you can also keep up to on what we're doing, live comedy shows, live podcasts, and of course, clips from the show.

People ask for clips all the time and we've created a clips page so you can watch the source videos of some of the things we play on the show. Friends are the worst. Your friends are the worst. You can see that up there, too. Yeah. It's great. Friends.

Don't trust your friends with your dog. Let's do this, dog. Okay. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye.

00:09:09,640 --> 00:09:11,640 Who is Randy? Don't bring anyone loving to this. Don't burn me in the fucking sand. Welcome. Welcome to your mom's house. With Don Segura. And Christina Pazitzitz. Welcome to your mom's house.

Wow, wow. All right. You played the shit out of that song. Yep. You played the guitar with your tongue on that guy. Yeah, that was new. I'd never done that before. It's actually hard.

You got to get really good at playing it regular first. Yeah. Before you step up and try to play it with your mouth, you know? So cool. Yep. That was really neat. Yeah, I'm advanced. I want to kill me.

I want you to caress me like a tropical priest. That's not the words. Who sings this originally? Do you know? Um. Is this Jodicy? No. Just assume everything's Jodicy.

Touch my body. Oh, right. It's Mariah. Oh, it's Mariah Carey. Yeah, she doesn't say do the thing like a tropical priest, right? No, not a tropical priest. That's definitely what he just said. He says.

Here, let's go back to how he gets this shit kicking. How much do you love Mariah Carey? She's like the best, huh? Mariah Carey? Seriously? Mariah Carey or Biggie Smalls to play your birthday party. Let's do... All right, let's do...

You're out of your mind. Obviously. What? Mimi, of course. Mimi. Um. Silly. Touch my body.

Mariah version. Okay. Oh, there's a... Of course, there's a little setup for the fucking song. She has to talk, right? Yeah. You know, I was just thinking. Mariah Carey.

I don't know. I am. I am. All right. Here we go. Super game. Let's go. She married Nick Cannon.

I know, yeah. Okay. Oh, boy. I gotta tell you, this crush is my spirit. Yeah, I'm not digging it, but just... This makes me want to fucking... Jump on board for what we're doing. Kill somebody.

Yeah. Go ahead. Go ahead. Go ahead. Go ahead. Go ahead. Go ahead. Go ahead.

Go ahead. Go ahead. Go ahead. Go ahead. Go ahead. Go ahead. Go ahead. Go ahead.

Go ahead. Go ahead. Kill somebody. Yeah. Go ahead. Just let her do it. Yeah. This is really amazing.

This is like... It's funny though, because I feel like she's giving zero effort. Yeah. And she still can like make a hit song by not trying. Yeah. You know what I mean? Like it's a hit without even trying. It's not.

I think because your audience is like 12 year old girls. So what? And all they like is... Like you're out. I'll write a song for her. Okay. Just... Boy you know I like you.

I want you to touch me. Kisses all over the place. There you go. That's my shit single. That was really good. That was much better than the next one. Is it better than that guy? What's wrong with you?

What's wrong with y'all? Your niggas are crazy. Fuck this. Let's go to I Will Hunt You Down. Here we go. Put your fucking phone down, man. I'm trying to look something up in our email. I do.

I do. I do. If there's a camera up here. There's a flea gum. You too. You too. Go to your mother. Break a bottle.

Secret rendezvous. No. I'll be around you. Rendezvous. Little peanuts. Definitely, right? I won't be in my pieces like a Wendy interview. But this is private.

Between us. Touch my body. Touch my body. Touch my body. I can't even keep up to a what part. Touch my body. That's my body. It's like I hear this part.

The difference will probably come here. You hear the difference yet or not? Not yet. Not yet. I thought she hits the high notes. This shit is like she's just like fucking falling this in. Well, I think that that dog squeal thing, you can't do it every song. You know, that's her gimmick, dude.

Right. But I mean, like does it come later in the song or something? I'm sure. I don't know. She doesn't every song. Well, I mean, so far she's talked this song. Yeah. That's good.

See, you got to lay that track down. Yeah. We don't fuck around on this show, you guys. We're going to bring the heat every episode. That's our version of. Well, you know, but the very annoying thing that other shows do. We're not doing it. The air horn.

Yeah. We're not doing the air horn. Instead, we're doing a bag of chips coming in. We're ready to party over here. You guys ready? Yeah. We're ready to party over here. You guys ready?

That's my buddy. Hey, you know what else was sent to us? What's up? It's supposed to bring us together. We both liked Bossa Nova. Oh, God, yes. So, let's see. Fuck, I love it so much.

It really makes me so happy. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You understand what's going on? It's music, babe. What is it? They know other lovers.

It's the Beatles. The Beatles on Bossa Nova. This is wonderful. Thank you. The Brazilian Tropical Orchestra. I farted. Nobody heard it. I don't want to leave you now. You farted in the streets last night.

It was the loudest fart I'd ever heard in my life. But set it up. It's not fair that you just say that. It was kind of cool because I timed it out. I think I timed it out perfectly. Just please give me the credit. No, yeah. You timed it out really perfectly.

Well, tell them what happened. I had parked on the street. I told you to meet me on the street so I could move a car up the driveway. Yeah. Because you were scared to do that or something. Because it's too narrow and I'm afraid I'm going to damage the car. Right. So I said, okay, I'll meet you on the street.

And the street is, I mean, dead quiet on our street at night. There is not a heap. It is silence. The neighbors gone. Yeah. But it's like being out in the woods or something. You could hear somebody step on a leaf. Yeah.

So I got this dead silence. And I go, hey, babe. And you walk up and you go, hey, what did you say you go? I wanted to tell you something. Is that what you said? I think so. I got a kiss for you. Yeah.

Like I got a kiss for you. Yeah. And I started to lean it and then literally as I lean in, I just, I hear. That was like it, huh? Yes. That was good. It had different like pitches and then. I didn't go.

But you should have because it was extra disgusting. Dude, I didn't do that. But I'm in. First of all, I'm glad you got that. And secondly. Yeah. Are you done ruining the show? Oh, come on.

The third one is just for attention. And the neat part is that I drag the fart. You know, when you drag the fart with you into the car. Yeah. And I was like, oh fuck. Like it stuck to me and I sat down in the car and I shut the door. It was just like stuck around me. It's like a hula hoop of fart.

It's really cool story. Have you ever done that? Yeah, of course. Yeah. It's a good story. Hey, did you take a shit at the studio today? Yeah. It smelled because I came out and I was like, we took a shit in the studio bathroom.

And I'm like, that's got to be my husband. It's just neat when I put two and two together like that, you know? It was like I solved a poo mystery. We were good. By the way, can we talk about the RectaCare commercial that you played at the very first time? Oh yeah, I did that just for you. Do you know what? I've been hearing that.

That's new during Dr. Laura and it makes me laugh. Why does that have to be so explicit? You know what hemorrhids are. They bring up the itching and the burning and the itching. And they make you feel like an outsider. Your asshole itching makes you feel like an outsider and you can't participate in things that other people do. Yeah.

We know what they are, bro. If you've got them, you know. I'd like to go out with you guys, but my asshole itches. It's stopping my life. Remember when I had an itchy asshole when we were walking on the beach the other day? Yeah. And I had to wait until those people passed by us. Just stick your hand in there.

Oh, it's the worst. You sniffed your finger. I did not sniff it. You told me to sniff it and I didn't want to smell it. Yeah. Why does your butt play get that way? Sniff that one, baby. I should have said that to you.

That's what I'm gonna say. That's a horrendous thing to say to somebody after you fart to go sniff that one, baby. Really, really, really grotesque to say that to somebody. But also kind of loving because he's like sniff that one. Baby. You're right. Sweetie. Baby.

I can't believe the king never got back to us. It's a little alarming. A little? Yeah. Come on. It's disappointing. It's just disappointing when you love somebody as much as we do and he doesn't reciprocate, you know?

Yeah. It's like loving a fucking hoe that doesn't love you back. I can't trust his hoes, man. You know, when you have a crush on some boy in seventh grade, you just love him so much and just treat you like shit. That's true. That's what this motherfucker's like. You know what I'm saying?

Yeah. I don't fucking, it's a real bummer. But back to the very real topic. Yeah. Yeah. Two parts. This is a two-parter. Why do you lean forward to belch?

I don't think we've ever really addressed this. Helps it come out. If I'm like this, if I'm leaning back like this, right? Yeah. I feel a burp. My instinct, the instinct to get it out and the way, the natural path to help it out is to sit up and basically engage the diaphragm. This helps push it forward.

You know what I've noticed about you, Tom, which I think is one of your best qualities is that you're very naturopathic, if that's a word. The farts come and you want to help them. So you'll do things like spread your butt cheeks open or move your leg up, kick your leg up to help the fart come out. Leg pumps. Leg pumps. Yeah.

Or when you have to. Do a bicycle kick. Yeah. Or when you have to burp, you lean forward so that everybody can see you lean forward. Yeah. It helps though. It helps the burp come out. You know what you're like?

You're like a doula for burps and for farts, like you assist the birthing of gas. It's a really neat thing. You should help people. People who go like, I'm having trouble with my burps and my farts and then I show up. Yeah. What's my outfit when I show up? You're the burp doula. The fart doula.

What is the burp doula or fart doula where? Well, first of all, it's a scientific kind of medical thing and you're going to need to wear scrubs, like OR scrubs. Yeah. But yours are brown. Okay. Because obviously it's the fielder and you want it. You know what I mean?

You don't want false advertising. Right. But you coach people. Like you know how there's some girls who are like, I never burped. I've never burped. Like I feel like you could help those people. Yeah. Realize their first belch.

Do you think that, do you think that it's a business is worth investing in? That's what I'm wondering. I mean, someone out there needs your help and I think it's selfish that you don't help. Yeah. That's a good, that's a good point. There are people out there that need my help. Second point that I want to bring up on today's very important show topic is what causes that extremely like panic itchy asshole.

Like why, why does it come? It seems like it comes out of lightning the blue. Like you'll, you just walk down the street and then like, like a lightning bolt of itchiness hits your butthole. And you know what I mean? Like, it's like the most aggressive itch. I can tell you why. Oh yeah.

Bacteria. I know exactly what's going on. Bacteria. Okay. And you get some leakage. Okay. And you know, I'm going to tell you exactly what causes that kind of fart.

And it's just bacteria there. You just kind of scratch it. Do you think so? Yeah. Or wash yourself, clean yourself. Yeah. You're dirty. I'm going to tell you exactly what causes that kind of fart.

I also have a theory because I think that theory is correct. That it has to do with your length of butt hair because sometimes when I shave down there, I'll, Your butthole you're talking about? Yeah. I don't shave my butthole per se, but sometimes I'll take a few generous swipes of the razor as I'm doing my undercarriage and I'll accidentally take some of the butt tuft off. And then I'll,

How much hair do you have back there? I've never noticed hair. Oh, that's silly. You're not very attentive. Okay. How much hair is there? A little sprout. Are we talking undercarriage or butthole?

No way. Undercarriage has normal pube hair and then my butthole itself has like a little bit of hair around it. Right. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. So you, you think when that's lengthy?

No. I'm saying the opposite. When I accidentally shave my butt hairs and then they kind of grow in and it hurts, you know, and then it hurts in the itches fast. Now, Okay. I thought you took my undercarriage. You're, you have a good bit, a good solid bit of butthole hair.

Like you have like what's on my face around your butthole basically. I don't think so. You have a full beard around your asshole. No. You have a lot of hair around your asshole. Not my asshole. I don't know whose asshole you've been around, but that's not my butthole. I've seen like you basically have the equivalent of what's on the top of your head around your

butthole. Okay. It's so stupid. It's just not the case. Your asshole, on the other hand, Jesus Christ. When you, when you get, God, what is your butthole? I'm fucking terrified of your butthole. You say nonsense like that.

I feel like it's time to show you who's boss around here and I'll do that. Yeah. Sure. Take fucking shit from anybody and I'm certainly not going to take shit right now. I'm not going to allow myself to be disrespected on this house, on this show. How did you even find that sound? It's so random and dumb. So are you saying then it's better to let the butthole hairs belong?

I think in the lessening of the itching. Yeah. They're growing in, they're a little spiky and I think that's definitely been the cause of my itchy butthole in the past. I have a lot of hair everywhere and I shave my cock and balls, you know, all the time. The shaft, the hair grows up and down my shaft, around and on my balls underneath them and I'll bring a razor to it all the time to have it freshly shorn, feels nice but those couple days later when they start, when it just starts coming in, whoo, whoo.

Look out. That's a very itchy area. Yeah. I really start to scratch and it's like, you know, whoa, man, itches. The thing is, is that over the years though, I don't get those itchies anymore on my cooter, you know? It just doesn't, you get used to it, which is kind of neat. Yeah.

Also, interesting point, today I saw getting, I was going to my shrink today and I was getting on the elevator and I saw the world's most exemplary dad boner, like this dude was super mommied out, he had his, like it faded blue jeans, the right color, light blue and then he had him pulled up way over his fat roll, like way over. Up high? Up high, super tight. He had the belt he had on the ugly brown, like moccasin shoes, tucked in super tight button down shirt and then like weird gold Elvis glasses and he was like kind of some

Asian and kind of some Asian and then he, I saw him and I couldn't help it but I was like, all right. I was like, I had verbally said something like, hey, like what it is, I was so like taken with him and he said something weird, he goes, I haven't seen you in a while and I was like, what? What? Like I think he thought I was a person he knew. This was where exactly?

In my shrinks. Oh, okay. Getting into my shrinks and I was like, who the fuck is this guy? But it was so, it was so neat to see all of that come together in one place. Come together in one place here, right here. It's all right here. Touch my daddy, bring me to my thighs, all around your waist, just a little taste. Touch my daddy, know you love my cup, come and give me what it's love, when you can't

put me on you like a brand new IT, I'll hug you but I'll tell you that my favorite is the tropical priest, he sounds like the oh no, my pee pee stuck a buttock, oh no. We learned, I think we share with our audience, I hope everybody knows that this is Cambodian Oh no. It's not Vietnamese like we originally thought. Vietnamese, the most beautiful language in the world is Vietnamese. That's offensive. This paper is stuck in the buttock, oh no.

Oh my god. That's what I heard. There it is. Welcome to VietnamesePod101.com. The fastest, easiest and most fun way to learn Vietnamese. Hello, I'm Giang, very happy to be friends with you. Hi. That's all.

See you. Okay, you might not be ready, but here you go. Wow. A very important dental update. The band on my snoring guard, one of them broke, which happens, I mean it's been on there for a while, but the night before I replaced the broken band with basically a looser band, like looser jeans, and I definitely, I woke up, my throat hurt, I had snored, it just wasn't working.

So what I did was I had to go to the dentist to replace the bands, but I did have the original bag that had the full range of bands, so I found the tightest jeans that they make, where I showed it to you, I put them on, and it looks like crazy homeless underbite, and there shouldn't be a peep, but you said I still hum. You, yeah, you no longer snore, it's just a hum. That one is as far as it goes, that's like this. We know we need next, we need to restrain your vocal cords. That's invasive, I think.

Not a big deal, they'll just sell them shut every night, and then in the morning you'll just get them snipped open, it's not a big deal. We have a dental update from a listener, are you ready for this? Christina and Tom, I have been with you since about episode four. My jeans are so high and tight. This picture, and I'll see if I can get it, I hope he gives us permission to post this. Please let us know if we can post this cord. This picture is me getting a dental update in La Cruz, Mexico.

Oh shit. I went there to visit my brother, who is a world famous fishing guide on Lake El, I can't read, El Salto. If you know anything about bass fishing, you know that the nine and a half pound I put in the boat is a trophy. My brother's bass is 15 and a half. Look at the picture you will note, I am tequila wasted, and high is a kite because I'm nervous as hell.

Also note the tooth debris and shit all over my shirt. I was brushing it off for hours. The crown that was prepped for me costs $180. In the States it would have been over $3,000. Of course. Of course. My Mexican dentist put me at ease and was a real professional, hand washing, latex gloves, and tooth debris aside, pulling my jeans higher.

Cord. Oh man. Let me get this right. He went to Mexico to get a new crown. Maybe. He looks so fucked up in this picture. It's fantastic. Did he get waisty pants before he got his crown replaced?

Please tell me we can post this. I'm writing back to him right now. I'm not sure. One time I was visiting Hungary for a month, and right as I left for the trip, I noticed I had a cavity. I was young. I was like 18 years old. I'll forget.

By the time I come back, I can just get it filled. I was in Hungary for a month, and I was really hooked on apple flavored Mentos at the time. I was eating a roll a day, just aggravating that cavity. I was like, fuck. I really got it. It was hurting me in Hungary, but I'm like, you know what? I can't do it. I'm like, no way, dude.

I'm not going to the Hungarian dentist. I waited. By the time I came back to the States, it had to be root canaled. I just destroyed the tooth. Fucked it up bad. I would rather have done that than go. At the time Hungary was a wayward. Wayward, sir.

Wayward, sir. Shit just got wayward, sir. Wayward, sir. As you can see, the gypsies never go to the dentist. Oh my God. They don't go get anything taken care of. They age in dog years. Those women look like shit.

Do not mean a lot in the gypsy world. Not past the age of like 28. They just really do. Yeah. Remember that old dog that was 22? She was like, this is it for me. Oh yeah, poor girl. Yeah.

She was like, if I don't meet a husband today, I mean, might as well just kind of walk into the lake and see what happens. Poor girl. Yeah, 22 and she thinks she's over the hill. Unbelievable. Unbelievable. Unbelievable. You really pushed that one out.

Now I noticed this time you didn't lean forward, but what that did is it pushed you pushed the burp back into your throat, made a richer, deeper sound. I did engage the diaphragm though, you know, pull it in, let the gut kind of move in. Oh man, I want to do, I can't wait to do stand-ups tonight. Should be fun. I saw Bill Bward on my way to the shrink today. Did you know they're coming out with a James Brown movie? Yes.

Of course. You don't even know. Yeah. I've seen the trailer. Anyway, I thought you and Sickle Cell would be interested. We're going together for sure. Yeah. We have to.

It's adorable. Now, how do you, you always know show business stuff before me. It's so unfair. What do you mean? Like what? Like that James Brown movie. The trailer's been airing on TV and in movies for the last, yeah, of course. Oh, wow.

I guess I'm not hip anymore. But you also don't, you don't like look up any show business news. Yeah. I follow that stuff. Oh, really? No, I'm saying like I follow on Twitter. You like follow the news, the breaking news stuff or Hollywood stuff? Oh, for show business.

Yeah. Well, that's why I know. Yeah. It's not like. It's like following nonsense because you're like, there's no rhyme or reason to our business. I know, but you work in this nonsense. It's like, oh, today unicorns are president of show business. Yeah.

But you do that. Tomorrow, fairies are going to run NBC. You're one of the unicorns. Jesus Christ. What's wrong with you? You're talking about like it's some outside thing. Like I'm not interested in that field. That's what you do.

Do you want to bait me? It sounds like you're ready to. You're very angry. I'm not angry, but you're just making no sense. I was just pointing out that you do the thing that you're making fun of. Okay. You know what? What?

You need your balls milked. You're a little aggressive. Not aggressive. You're full of testosterone poisoning your body, the rage, the bear is raging. Can I play something for you? Yes. There's, there's some audio. There's, there's obviously very famous audio clips on the internet.

Some of them have come across and we've pointed out that we didn't play them because we just figured like everyone's heard it. But this one, this one, I mean, I think everybody has seen this, but the audio portion, the best part of this, it is YMH worthy. And we should have played it a long time ago, even though everyone's heard it. And I'll play it for you right now. Oh, I can't breathe. Stop it.

I remember that one. Yeah. That's awesome. That's the lady stomping on grapes. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. That, that, that noise is one of the best ever. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. Oh, I can't, ow, ow, ow, ow, oh, stop, oh, stop, oh, oh.

She falls face first. You know what it reminds me of? That sound that she makes sounds a lot to me like this. Oh, my fucking cut. Oh shit. My cut, my cut, my cut. Doesn't it sound a lot like that? Yeah.

Denon, go I couldn't tell those two ladies apart. It does sound like it, right? Yes, a little bit. Yeah. Oh, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow. Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow. Oh shit. My cut, my cut, my cut.

Oh, I can't breathe. I like the festive music kind of in the background. You know this sort of thing. Yeah, radish like Italian. Stamping on the grapes. The festival musics. Oh, that's silly. Yeah, it is silly.

I wish they could mash grapes into your beard and make it all purple. The dogs been licking my beard today. He's never done that. He comes right up and he steps my mouth. He gives me nose kisses. Very, very seldom. One quick lick to the lip or something. But today he went crazy on my beard.

Because he smells poo. There's not poo in my beard. He smells poo on your mouth. He knows you've been eating out of cat boxes and he likes that. Come on. Well, what did you eat today? You had snusci for lunch. Right.

So he's maybe smelling those? Soy sauce. Yeah. Probably dripped into my beard and he's like, mmm, salt. Hey, have you noticed that our shitty waitress isn't there anymore? Yeah. Dude, she's like gone. Yeah.

Too much. Yeah. She left. She got fired. I don't know. I don't know. Oh, shit, man. I think our place keeps saying that they're going to close and I think maybe they scared

her off. We're going to close. Maybe they don't like her. Well, remember, she almost was in tears when we asked her about it. We were like, are you guys closing? And she started tearing up. She got emotional. Yeah, she did.

I didn't think she had feelings. Yeah, did I? No. She's hard fucking core. Fucking for real, though. Too much food. You ate too much. Hard fucking core.

It was. It was hard fucking core that her attitude and it's like we outlasted her or something like she was like, do you think you're going to be here longer than me or how's this going to go? And then we fucking showed that dumb bitch. Yeah. She actually takes the order the way you should. They're just like, okay.

I don't judge. Like today we ordered some extra shit on top of her shit. You know what I'm saying? I know what you're saying. And like, she didn't say nothing. I was all, that's right, bitch. Yeah, I know. I was all, yeah, but bro, yeah, go ahead.

Go ahead. Dude, I did the math today. I was in a car for four and a half hours today in traffic. It's mind blowing. Yeah. How do you not masturbate? Well, it's a great question. I've been listening to like other, hey, do you know that Freakonomics Radio has a

podcast, which is pretty neat? No. If you're interested. I know you like that book. Yeah. What's the, what's the shittletater on it? What's the channel? The channel?

It's a podcast. Oh, it's a pod. I thought you meant in the car on the radio. It's called Freakonomics Radio, but it's a pod. It's like, same as the book, but they analyze all kinds of shit. Okay. It's pretty neat. Why we saw, why we should all think like a child and stuff like that.

Really? Yeah. Apparently children. Like when they watch a magician in, they are looking at every step to see what he's doing. Whereas adults are like, yeah, yeah, yeah, get to the point. So kids are more likely to figure out like how tricks work because they're watching every single step.

Whereas we, because we've just been conditioned to not give a shit, we don't really pay that much attention to the setups. But aren't they more mesmerized by it because they're stupid? Yes. That's the point is that children are inferior in intelligence. Right. Therefore we should make them slaves. I think that was the point of that program is like, they're the best to make.

No, but they're dumb, undeveloped minds. I mean, how are they? I mean, they're just like, you know, you can dangle a fucking keys in front of a kid. Yeah. I'm fucking and my kid, you know, they don't say that on the, on the podcast. They didn't mention that, but my conclusion was what you're saying, like kids are dumb. Yeah. Be dumber and you'll be happier.

You're a dumb fucking kid. Yeah. You know why we don't use kids more as slaves because they are kind of ideal for that. Like they'll believe whatever you tell them, they'll do pretty much anything. A lot of them can't lift heavy things, but there are like, there are kids that can lift heavy things. Hmm. Do you think we should have a child's life?

Um, yeah. But I mean, where would we get the kid? Still one. From where? Hmm. Somewhere in like Asia or Africa. I mean, haven't we really done a kind of overdone the Africa thing? We go somewhere else.

Thailand. Yeah. Make it an Asian kid. Why not a gypsy kid? No way. From a young age? Gypsies are the worst. They're the worst.

No. Gypsies are no good. Tommy, that, that kid's going to steal from us. We're going to have to keep an eye on it. No, but you get them real young. Stiff fingers. You get a stupid gypsy kid when he's real young. No.

The genes are tainted. No way. You got an Asian kid. The Asian kids are smart. They'll do your taxes. What age of kid are we getting? What kind of Asian? Japanese are the best.

What age are we getting the kid at? Workable. I mean, what age can they start working? Five. Yeah. You can start lifting things. Yeah. Cleaning.

Their little fingers can get into crevices easier. Yeah. I mean, our house is a mess. It would be great to have a five-year-old slave in here cleaning. Thai. Thai. That's what you said. Yeah.

Yeah. Service industry. Yeah. Massage. Massage, yeah. For sure. It's a child, Mrs. Even more pressure.

All the things I have, I'm only five. You know what we need to do is take all of our money and like, I know we put it in the savings sometimes, we pay bills. Let's just stop doing that and hire a full-time masseuse to live with us. To live here. Yeah. In this room. Yeah.

But put a little bed. I bet we could get one for a pretty good deal. Like a human slave. I want a human slave. Right. Where you going, here's a bed. Yeah. You know, we'll make extra food for you.

You don't have to worry about food. Yeah. Um, massages every day, seven days a week. There's no days off. No days off, dude. Yeah. No way a day off. Well, that's, that's what you, that's how those third world slaves work.

Yeah. Yeah. Well, like my friend Rena said in the Philippines that you can get basically that, like you can get a woman who lives with you, you have to give her a room. Right. She got, she has this room. Right. And then she just, she works every day all day.

Does it clean? Cooks? It's like nothing. Yeah. Nothing much to share the bathroom with her though. Yeah. No. She's third world.

We put her outside. That's right. Put a bucket out back. Yeah. And you go shit and piss in your bucket. Here's the hose. Shower here. Yeah.

And then get, clean your bucket. Give him the hose. Take pride in your bucket. Yeah. Clean the fucking bucket, bitch. Yeah. And don't complain about it. You know how we do it here.

Hard fucking core. And she'll be so happy that there's air conditioning. She's never felt air conditioning before. Oh no. She'll catch pneumonia. I know. What do we feed? We don't want to feeder like the good food in the house.

We'll feeder like leftovers. Scraps. Like FIFO scraps. Yeah. Whatever the dog doesn't eat. The sausage, leftovers. Because you got to, you got to maintain that power dynamic. Yes.

You know, you got the, the threat has to be there. The fear has to be there. Yeah. Yeah. This is good. I like this idea. Um, I'd love a human slave. I mean, not, not against our will obviously, you know.

Well, I don't know, are slaves willing slaves? Well, you know, like in the Philippines and stuff, but we're going to pay. That's not, that's against slavery. Are you talking about paying? You're right. You're right. You don't want to pay. Not a fair wage.

Not a fair wage. Right. Like here's 20 bucks a week. Like that kind of thing. That's generous a month, maybe 20 a month. Oh, I see. Because I'm back in the old country. That's a fortune, you know.

Right. Here's 20 bucks. Yeah. You know, send your family back home to college this year. Yeah. Not so much a cost to send somebody to college. Right. Right.

And like India. Sure. That's a fortune. $20. Yeah. Yeah. That's true. It's a lot of money.

This is a really, I feel like this is a good idea that's really going to get us new fans. Don't you feel like that? Uh. Like someone who's listening to this for the first time is like, these guys are pretty cool. Like what other stuff do you do? Well, we wanted a cum dog. Remember that?

The cum dog. Yeah. I saw that girl, the original cum dog girl, like in something, another production. Oh, another feature film. Yeah. And she does that. That's like one of her go to things. That's just when she's eating cum or when other things.

Just like put it on, put everything in my mouth is like, she's like, I want more. And she goes, I'm like that. That's how do you, I wonder how one comes to their porno hook. Like I remember Jules Ventura telling me, she's like, I just gave really sloppy blowjobs and then people were like, Jules Strolls. Yeah. So you just have to like, I guess you have to follow God's gift, like whatever your natural inclination.

Yeah. Wow. Somebody, by the way, emailed us two things. First of all, Italy is out of the world cup so Rocco can ejaculate again. Oh, thank God. We were very worried about him. And also that Jules and Rocco recently did another scene together. Oh, we got to have her back.

I'm meant to text her. She was out of town this month. We're going to get her back. I want to hear all about Rocco. Can you give us details, please? Yeah. He's got a big hug on him. It's like a coke can.

I bet I bit it. You really sound like your sister. I bet I bit it. It's like such a big fucking dick. I was like, ah. I realized how much it was tagging in. I was like, I don't know. My that's a big hug.

Not my fucking face. Yep. There you go. That's your sister. Yep. That's my sister. Is she always been an animal like that? Or did it blossom?

No, she's a fucking animal. Even as a child, what was Maria like? An animal. Like that? No. Well, I have one thing of her. I got one time. This is her from when we were like in, I don't know.

She was probably in third grade. Come over here and shit on my tits. Pension or a lot of them honestly are jealous. That way, but honestly like I, honestly, it's just like, I believe that it does because honestly the relationship. So it's honestly, if you. There's some, I honestly isolated in this. Love, we gotta get her back.

Yeah. Yeah, she was out of town, so she couldn't come in this week. No, honestly, honestly, like I was like, there's something else I wanted to play for you. I have to play with your nuts. Hey, are you going to milk yourself? Should I? And Buffalo?

Yeah, of course. What are you out of your mind? How many times do you think you'll do that? Depends on the shows go. Okay, fair enough. Fair enough. Okay, let me. Wait a minute.

What? We also have a new song to go over that you and I made up. Oh, yeah. Oh, right, right, right, right. Let me pull up something for that real quick. What are you doing? You're type, type, type him. Yeah, hold on there.

Oh, I can type. My name is Tom. How come you move your lips when you type? You move your lips when you read. Sound out the words. Yeah, and you sound out the words when you type too. It's neat. Is this the real song?

Yeah, it's instrumental for you. Oh, I'm sorry, I was waiting for words. You want to sing with the words? Yeah, I'm trying to think. I don't know the song well enough. Okay. I'll do this for you. This is from the Music Dirty Dancing.

Yeah, this is the original version that we wrote. It's good. Oh, I like that. Yeah. That's good so far. So brown and white. Got you in my Hershey's sights. With nails, hungry ass.

You got a really hungry, hungry ass. You got hungry ass. I'm so tired, so I get asked to eat. Well, maybe we should work on it more. I mean, we didn't rehearse or anything. Well, I think I like the original germ of the idea. It started off as hungry tits. But that goes for a girl that has smaller tits.

You see a girl with smaller tits, which by the way, we both love. We're both big fans. We're not sizists. Right now. But when the girl has small, it's a nice way. It's a fun thing to do is like, oh, she's got those hungry tits. They want to eat some more, right? Right.

And then when they're big sloppers, you call them... Oh, those are vitamin Ds. Right. Because they got all those milk. Yeah. Okay. But then in the song, we decided that hungry ass, singing it goes better with the hungry ass.

Hungry ass. You know, one time, my friend was dating... She's got that at the kids' homie. Yeah. My friend was dating a European gentleman and he was wearing really tight jeans. Yeah. And he was at the stove one time and we were like, damn, he's got a case of hungry butt. He got hungry ass, you know?

Yeah, yeah. I'm just eating up those jeans. He got mad about that, right? Didn't like it. We were making fun of him. Sweet guy. You got that. Hungry ass.

That's got the ass that just came funny. Because it keeps eating up those jeans. Yeah. I feel like that's... Yeah. What was that? I don't know. People came over to say hi to you.

We have one last thing here. It's a song. Come here, baby. You know, there really seemed to be nothing quite like it on this show. There's been a lot of audio, but the thing that really took over was Let's Get Social. I feel like that really... Oh, best song ever. Really inspired people.

Yeah. Well, this is a work training video. Why don't you just listen and enjoy and see what it does to you? Okay. I'm selling to the customers to make them feel all right. I'm buying all these products with both so much delight. I can help you find anything you could possibly want. Such ostentatious good that I can flaunt.

Selling is service. And service is selling. Service is selling. And selling is service. Can you guess the name of the song? Ostentatious. Close. Selling is service.

Yes. Oh, that was giving me my first choice. You were right there. You were right there. The audio mix could have been better. Everything could have been better. Well, you haven't seen the video and you're going to shit your pants. Let's go back.

Hello there, Nicky. How you doing today? I'm in a good mood. And it's here to stay. Oh, no. Oh, boy. That's always the tell of like this isn't going to be... Not that the rest of it was good.

But when it's here to stay. When it's here to stay. It's like that 80s rap. The fuck do they sell? I wish I wouldn't. Jesus. Oh, man. Service is selling.

God, kill me. This really is like, it's incredible in... This is incredible in how bad it is and how good at how bad it is. And how good at how bad it is. Yeah. It's so good at being bad that you can't stop. Do we know what year that's made? What does it look?

No, it looks like it could be maybe 10 years old. Yeah. You know. I've got a customer here that wants to go to buy. I'll send one right over. I've got plenty of supply. Oh, my God. Hello there, sir.

I've got some news for you. The funny thing is that the store just sells a lot of stuff. It looks like a Walgreens, but it's like an independent one. They just have dumb shit, like a picture frame with a fucking reindeer on it. Like just dumb shit and they... Like it's confusing to buy things and they're selling. It's terrible. Your product is coming.

It'll be here by two. Service is selling. Selling is service. Service is selling. Selling is service. Selling is service. Service is selling. Wow, there's that hook again.

My name is Jill and I don't like to sell. I'm an unhappy person. Everyone can go to heck. Complain, complain. That's all I like to do. The kids are ready. The weather is cloudy and I'm feeling sick too. This is the part of the...

Yeah. This is the part of the video. I love when you can't say hell. Come on. The video where they're like, this is a bad service person. Right. She's got all the problems. She's got everything.

Things are not good. Bad attitude, Jill. She can go to heck. Hell's in the Bible, guys. You can say that. Let's see if somebody gives her heck back. Get out of here. Get out of here.

Hello there, Jill. They call me happy Pete. I came to the store to buy myself a treat. Do whatever you want. I don't really care. Just leave me here moping in the depths of despair. You look so unhappy that you're making me sad. I won't buy as much.

Because now I feel bad. Oh, see what you did? Oh, Jill. Jill, your bad attitude is hurting the bottom line. Jill, just be accommodating. Be a happy girl. Trying to drive revenue here, Jill. And you're moping.

You're complaining. Jill's a real see you next Tuesday. A lot of people don't want to spend money. Jill, come on. Get happy about your sales job. Service of sales. See how your cunt attitude affects us all. You're affecting our business.

Selling is service. Oh, my God. Service is selling. Service is selling. Selling is service. Oh, my fuck. That is unbearable. It's amazing.

You'll got to watch the people dancing. This video is unbelievable. Is when you look at this, and I really think that maybe new hires had to watch this. Yes, of course. Of course. This is the instructional video. I mean, if I got a job here,

and I was watching this, I would be, I mean, I would just be floored. And then my immediate thing would be either suicide. Yeah. Or violence against whoever put that maybe watch this. Just quit. Yeah, this is horrific. Just quit.

This is really bad. You post, you have to post this. Yeah, give me some of the URL. How about a scarf you're dashing in, Jade? Oh, my God. You will have it made. You've got key chains and mugs and shirts to fit your budget

by all your gifts here. Everyone will love it. I love spending money. It makes me feel so good. Look at all this cute stuff. Who cares if I should? Selling is service. Oh, my God, I get it.

Service is selling. And selling is service. I got to tell you something. It's so depressing that I have to wash it off. I got to wash it off. Oh, please, please. That's so much better, yeah. Oh, man.

That was... I think it's a FIFA staring at you. He's sitting on my lap and he's got eyes locked on you. He's dreaming of sniffing that beard. Looking at beard. Looking at beard, FIFA. Oh, FIFA. Oh, I love you.

I love you, FIFA. I love you. I love you. I love you. All right, Jeans. I love you. The R-Pod song. Yeah!

It startled Theo. He got scared. Thank you guys for listening. Don't forget that selling is service. I didn't see any white people. They were all blacks. This is the place I should have been always. Detroit. It's in Detroit.

Detroit is your mecca. I love you. I love you. Because Canada is terrible. Canada is worse than it's too good. Bent to Detroit. See, they're blacks. No.

That's the best thing I've ever heard. I love you. You don't want to live next to people like that. No. They ruin your life. Sell me to gypsies. Sell me to gypsies. Sell me to gypsies.

Are you dumb getting whopped? You can fucking understand this, right? Italians are really crazy. I love you. That is so like ugly little babies. It's your texture. Women say, oh, she's so cute. And you look at...

This is a monkey. I love you. Fuck off, get the fuck out of here. Fuck off, get the fuck out of here.