Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura - 258-Your Mom's House with Christina Pazsitzky and Tom Segura

Episode Date: October 8, 2014

POP! Pimp Squad for life, baby! If you can't see, then that should be your story and you should always say that no matter who asks you what. You know what we're sayin, you feel us, know what we're talking about?   Kentucky Jeans and Momlando Jeans were worn this weekend - get the breakdown, Gawd. Plus Tina explains what that drop about God and blessing is all about. Do you watch comedy? Does it ever upset you. Please blog and share in detail how you feel and your disappointment about it. Even if you laughed, somewhere inside you there is surely something to complain about.  And we have a song that we can only WISH came from a listener - Maybe it did???

Oh, this is... It makes me want to break dance. It's called Funky Fresh. It sure is. Can you break dance? I can break dance, yeah. I used to be in a break dance in Truth. What were they called?

The Butt Scratchers? Yes! Oh, God. Oh, yeah. It's called Cup and Smell It. Stoops. You've been doing that a lot lately. I've been scared to let it out.

Hey, guys. If you're in Man of Francisco, San Francisco Cox Cops Comedy Club this week, Thursday, Cops Comedy Club. October 9th. We're there doing the podcast again. It's one of our favorite cities to go to

and do the podcast live. It's the best one. So we hope if you're in Man of Francisco, Thursday, we have a great show lined up for you that you'll come out and spend some time with us. 8 o'clock show. 8 o'clock Thursday, October 9th.

It's not so bad for a school night. You'll be home in bed by 10. It'll be good. It's good. Then I have a full week in Minneapolis. October 21st through 25th at Acme. Please come and see me.

Do Acme Comedy Club. November, we take the podcast on the road. We have November 6th at the High Line in Seattle. November 7th at Analog Cafe in Portland. And November 8th,

in Chicago. We didn't say that right either. We're really excited to do that live show. Two of those cities we've never been to. Seattle, we're going back to because you couldn't go even last time.

We're bringing thunder. It's going to be thunder all week. I really need your support and I hope you come see me do on my mini tour where I'm going to New Orleans, Dallas and Oklahoma City. That is in November

the 14th through the 17th. That's November 14th. November 15th. November 16th. And November 17th. And I am going on the road one night only in those cities.

All the tickets are at TomSugarra.com Please come and see me. Jeans, what else? Okay Jeans. I am in town for a minute. I'm going to be in Toledo, Ohio November 20th. November 21st.

November 22nd. And November 23rd. And then at Fartford, Connecticut. December 10th. December 11th. December 12th. December 13th. Wait you're going to go on the 10th? That's a Wednesday? Yeah, they switched the week. So I'm actually going to do

Wednesday through Saturday fly home Sunday. Oh brilliant, brilliant mate. And where'd you get that from? You silly goose. And also it's a little early to make your New Year's Eve plans but if you're in the great city of Austin, Tejas. We're going to be together.

That's exciting Austin. We're going to do shows that week. I'm sure you're going to be with your family trying to ditch them the way we ditch our families. We're definitely doing that. I mean, you said to at least to hang when I go to Fartnix in December, right? Yeah, because I like to be with you.

I'm going to bring the dog. We'll have a good family week. It'll be good. So I didn't imagine it. But Phoenix, I'm coming back December 4th. You're coming back. I love downtown Phoenix. The club. I love stand-up live. Oh, stand-up live is awesome.

That's a really good club. Yeah, I'm bringing Pat House with me. All right, Pat. I see what you're wearing. You got to have a new outfit. There goes that bark again. It's much better. Are you going to bark in the mic again?

Cheese. Also, guys, guess what's around the corner? Halloween. What does that mean? It means our house is super spooky right now. How did you make it so scary in here? We got all kinds of stuff from Moms On.

All kinds of decorations. And if you're going to do your Moms On shopping, please go through our website. If you could go to the homepage, there's like a little square at the bottom. Click on it and do your Moms On shopping as you normally would. And it kicks back money to our show.

And thank you so much to everybody that has already done that. It really, really helps us out. You know, you can buy animal food, pet food. You can automate cleaning products, which is... Our house is... We're using an ungodly amount of toilet paper.

One roll a day at least. And so I get that stuff sent to us in silos because of my husband's pooping. No, I knew that was coming. It's because of you. No, it's yours. First of all, we got a lot of short stories of yours to cover.

We had two major incidents in this house. Are you ready? Okay. Also, let's talk about your beard a little bit. It's really full. Let's open the show. Here we go. Let's party. It's Wednesday. There's no such thing as Wednesday.

Let's do this. Oops! Now this... This shit is big time! Who is Randy? Don't bring anyone loving to this. No mom in the fucking stand! Welcome.

Welcome to your mom's house. With Tom Segura. Tom Segura. Christina Pajitzi. Christina Pajitzi. Welcome to your mom's house. Hi. Wow.

What was that we heard? Pimp Squad, baby. Pimp Squad for life. What's the Pimp Squad? I guess it's who this lady rolls with. It's weird to mention the Pimp Squad when you're crying.

Yeah. Through your tears you're representing. It's really cool. Pimp Squad for life. P-O-P. Only dad. Pimp Squad, baby, for life. That's so ridiculous.

She's getting arrested, right? Yeah, she's in the back of a police car. She said she's legally blind and that there's no way she could have been the getaway driver, which is what she's accused of being. But that clip has really taken over the interwebs. People...

I don't know. What's up with the Pimp Squad? Are they really holding it down for life? Are you from Houston? Man, I'm from Portland, Texas and I'm a female. So that's the thing is that one of the reporters is like, sir, I'm a female.

I'm a female. That's very correctional officer talky. Female. Most people just go, I'm a woman. It's a hard way. Someone's been through the system, okay? Yeah, like...

That's hilarious. You can always tell I feel like somebody did something when they're bringing up the way it's not possible. She's like, I'm legally blind. She just said it like 15 times. Here's what led up to this.

Hey, so tell us your side. What happened? Hey, I'm an innocent bi. I said, I'm a female. I'm a female. Hey, I'm an innocent bystander. They saying I drove a getaway car but I cannot see.

I'm legally blind. That's my story. That's my story. If you didn't do it, you don't go. There's no stories. And also legally, some legally blind people correct me if I'm mistaken but I think you can wear

glasses to correct some hearings on that. It doesn't mean you're not Stephen Wonder. There's degrees of it and I think you can wear corrective lenses. Yeah, I don't know. This is great.

I'm no ophthalmologist. I'm just part of the PIMP squad. Are you from Houston? I'm a female. I did not drive. I'm legally blind. How did you get wrapped up with these folks? I got wrapped up.

I was walking down the street and I caught a ride. Oh. The old walking down the street caught a ride. And then I got involved in a felon. You don't know these folks then, is what you're saying? I know two of them. I don't know the other two. You know two of the people involved?

Hmm. They saying I drove a getaway car but I'm legally blind so how am I going to drive a car? So did you know what happened to the 73 year old victim then? I don't know what happened. I just know what the police said. So you can't see at all?

You can see though, right? I'm legally blind. I can see. Barely. Barely, boy. I'm not going to answer no more questions. PIMP squad, baby. I'm not. Yelling out.

PIMP squad. Still representing though. That's important. Yup. And then this dude is part of it. Discussed it with him. Come on. She wants them to come over.

So they're interviewing another dude. This guy is clearly gay. That's part of the PIMP squad. Don't you dare point out his orientation. You might get blogged. Oh, don't blog about me. Don't write a blog. We were enjoying.

We were enjoying this episode of your mom's house. And then we got offended. So homophobic and transphobic, Tom. Please. That should... Wait, let's see. I love that right now

that woman is being put in a police car. She's like, PIMP squad! And then she goes, come over here. I got something to say. So she's baiting them to come over. Yeah. I was up front, good enough.

And like I said, yeah, I am guilty. I'm innocent. I ain't no robbing type of person. I wouldn't do nothing. I'm innocent, man. I've been robbed. I've been pissed at will. They got that on file. I'm innocent.

I ain't do nothing. I don't know what's going on. All I know is my side of the story. I can't tell no other story. I'm innocent. And mom, I love you. P-O-P. Now, did you

did you did you watch it? By the way, you're supposed to go out on PIMP squad for life. Yeah, and just shut up. He's like, now to further continue this. Right. She's like, man, I'm ready to wrap it up. I didn't watch nothing happen.

They caught me walking down the street. They was giving me a ride. Ma'am, you have the same last name as one of the other suspects. Are you all related? I'm not no good old. My mom, my last name is Gidry. A.K.A. White, because she married.

I'm sorry? My dad's name is Michael Morsy. He deceased. I'm not no good old. I'm innocent. And I don't care what nobody say. My family go give me a part of this. It's good. Sad.

I've never seen people get arrested and then do just like full interviews where it's like to interviewers keep asking question after question. Yeah. Usually, if any of you guys get arrested,

I think the best policy is to shut up and talk to your lawyer. Always. Maybe she likes to see attention. Maybe this is finally somebody listening to her. Oh, and somebody is saying this happened three years ago. Why is it exploding right now?

It's everywhere. Pinsquad's got a resurgence. I like the nerdy white guy though. She's like Pinsquad for life. Another question. Excuse me. I'm white. I plan on blogging about this.

Can you even believe that? Get your life comedy bloggers. Get your life, okay? Should we talk about it? I guess so. We already brought it up. Yeah. You were high yesterday. I'm so over it, man.

I'm so over these people who they go to comedy shows and they write blogs about how they were offended.

It's the new trend. This generation is offended by everything. They got to fucking write about it. I'm just... So this is... A woman went to Meltdown and wrote about how...

Just so you know, Meltdown is a show in LA. Oh yeah. And it's a very progressive room. It's a popular room. It's popular, but not only popular, I would say that they're very liberal leaning. You're not going to see acts that are

outwardly racist or homogenrally speaking. These guys are pretty conscientious dudes. They're more hipster oriented. Yeah. You could label it... Alternative. But the truth is it's just a great room. Yeah. Everybody does it

when they're in town. It's a good room. And it's a desirable room. That's where you want to go up. It's an awesome show. These are your snot rags, by the way. Thanks for putting them in front of me. Jonah Ray and Kumail Nagyani have been hosting that show.

They've been hosting it for, I don't know, a few years now. Yeah. And it's bananas. You get maybe regular comic up and coming and working comics, but then you get crazy drop-ins there.

Yeah, and the audience is good. They listen. It's packed. It's like a tight room. Yeah, it's a great room. I did a show there, I think, last year where the lineup was... was it Brendon Burns from Australia, Sarah Silverman, Mark Maron, Jim Gaffigan.

It's all heavy hitters, yeah. It's all good. So, this last week, looks like there was Baron Vaughn, Pete Holmes, Susan Burke, Bobcat dropped in, Aziz dropped in, and then Dave Chappelle dropped in. Who's that last guy? I've never heard of him.

Yeah, David La... Yeah. He'd never been and he did a drop-in and... This is a minor comic, yeah. That's pretty much as great as it gets in the stand-up world. And this blogger writes that they're, you know,

flipping out, they love Chappelle so much. And here's the thing, he was very, very funny. She writes. And she writes that she had a really good time and she laughed a lot. He riffed on a number of subjects, was personally revealing,

had the whole room enraptured. We were all lucky to be there and that she doesn't want to be known as somebody that's trying to censor comedians. And talk about what they should be allowed to say. And in no way am I arguing that

Chappelle should not have been able or allowed to say anything he said. She's just disappointed because the truth is that his set was riddled with transphobia, homophobia, and a bit about the Ray Rice incident that changed the energy

in the room in a tangible way. He talked about seeing a drunk transvestite at a party and mocked her. Right, because God forbid you mock any drunk, you know, and if they're transvestite, then you should just take,

just never mock them again. It should be over. And then he complained about having his pronouns corrected when he referred to her as he, the transvestite. He maintained he should be able to use whatever pronouns he wanted. He called her a man in a dress.

Can you believe him? I can't believe it. This bit was not really a joke, just a strange, awkward story, but people laughed. It was pure absolute unabashed transphobia that broke my heart. He then started talking about the gays

in quotes. He doesn't essentially saying that he doesn't understand why they need a whole parade because everybody has freaky sex. He compared his foot fetish and the negative reactions and judgment he's gotten from people for it to being gay. Don't get me wrong,

the personal stuff about his foot fucking was very funny, but comparing his sexual proclivities, the experience of gay people was also ultimately problematic and misguided. I, you know, I'd be offended for the foot fetish community too. I mean, everybody should be offended.

I have feet and I'm offended that he's talking about people's feet. It's a very foot phobic in my opinion. Let's see. Why he felt the need to talk about being mugged by a man who he knew was gay on the way he walked. That was offensive. How could you know?

Hmm. It wasn't all bad, of course. Oh, thank God. But then, okay, so then it wasn't all bad, but then we go back to it being bad. I mean, you know, it was a very funny joke about the Ray Rice incident

and made what was, I admit, a very funny joke about it. I mean, you're complaining about somebody doing it well. Yeah. And also, just, you know, the reason Dave Chappelle, I wasn't there so I don't know what he said,

but nine times out of ten, when a comedian is bringing up these issues that are in the zeitgeist, I don't know how to get to it in order to allow the collective to deal with their feelings about it. And if he feels icky about a transgender person

at a party or a drunk something, then that's his feelings about it, right? Yeah. He's not advocating violence against anything. He's saying, look, I'm assuming the bit was something like, I don't know how to, I don't know how to address it. He shied it.

That's fine. Right. That's his feeling. He's not advocating hate or I'm assuming Dave Chappelle's never advocated hate against anybody. It's just, I think what bums me out is the idea that

every set is going to be broken down and put out to the universe. There's something in my mind where sets, stand-up sets are like for the people that were there

and then for that night and then for that moment and breaking it down like an investigation is like, it goes against everything that what stand-up's supposed to be like. Like stand-up's supposed to be like, yeah, you know, hey, remember when you said that and then you go like, did I say that?

You know, I, you don't even remember sometimes how you said it and people go like, and you go, oh, like, yeah, that made no sense. Or that was stupid and they go, well, I still laugh because like, they know you're trying to make them laugh. You know what I mean? Like, if you're an authentic

audience member, you go like you were talking about the trans gender person at the party and you're like, oh, yeah, and I said this or that and it's like, we know that you went for it for the sake of entertaining us and making us laugh.

Not to be hateful. Yeah, and it's like, and then to like to try to find what's wrong with how you said it and then to try to rally other people to be offended with you. Collective. Why do you go to shows? Just stay away. Right, and especially because

everybody knows that there's boundaries that can be crossed with certain audiences. For instance, this weekend Kentucky, Newport, Kentucky, Thursday night was amazing. Mommies came and Sunday night was amazing and thank you to everybody that came to all the shows but for some reason those two nights I had a lot

of permission to go places I couldn't go on the other four shows. So when you have a room where there's consent and implicit consent for instance, I talk about how lots of geniuses fuck 14 year olds. Elvis Presley was fucking Priscilla at 14. Can you imagine

the blog about that? Right, and I go who else? Oh, R. Kelly Pete on a 14 year old. So I go the point in the story is if you want to be a genius, you got to fuck kids. And it just came out of my mouth. I didn't even plan that and I got to laugh. Yeah, so someone would blog about that out of context

out of that space of consent and now I look like a monster. There was a space of consent in that room and that's why everybody laughed and that's why it was permissible. It's not fair to blog outside of context. I don't think so either. When you start

taking statements literal Oh fuck off, it kills me. The person cites that Tracy Morgan story from years ago how he was at shows and he was saying if my son was gay, I would stab that little faggot to death. Right. And like everybody

I'm guessing he wouldn't really. I'm guessing he wouldn't and I'm guessing you have to, Tracy Morgan is a crazy person who does stand up. It sounds like a Martian is on stage. Right. And like you can't tell me that if you have seen him say that in person that you took him literal and like he's

playing the part of crazy Tracy. Right. Like that that whole point of view of stabbing his gay son because he's gay is it's an exaggeration. Right. Like it's done for the point of like he's playing

the crazy homophobic guy in that moment. Right. I don't know man it's just exhausting. But you know what though I know here's how here I'll defend her. The flip side of this is it does promote a culture in which you could you make the argument that because it's an acceptable

baseline argument that it's okay to be afraid of these people. It's okay to mock these people. That's what she's saying like oh it's a bummer in society but here's the thing and I agree with that to some now here's the transformative element to that is that once we're allowed to say our real feelings

about things and there's an open dialogue then that subject opens up and then change occurs. But until you're not if you're not allowed to even discuss it you're never going to change it. You know what I mean. So until it's a blessing that Dave Chappelle's honest about his feelings. Hey I maybe I'm

ucked out by X, Y, and Z. So now people are going to talk about it. It's not going to promote I hope so it doesn't promote hate crimes. That's fucking retarded man. I think it's and also I also advocate young comedy bloggers out there. If you're so

obsessed with what we're saying and what we're doing I think some part of you wants to get up and do it too. Why don't you pick up a mic and why don't you see what it's like to be on the other side of that experience before you go blogging about what people are doing. Why don't you give it a try? Hey okay pick up a mic lady

and we need more women by the way if there's a female blogger please pick up a mic and do stand up. It sounds like you have some opinions. Yeah. Please share them. Yeah. We need more women. Anyways so in Kentucky speaking of I had the fucking craziest shit happen to me Saturday

pepsquat pepsquat I was doing my late show Saturday and I'm not going to lie yo Newport Kentucky maybe not my demo maybe not the place for me to to be wildly successful

stand up so I'm 40 45 minutes deep into my set 5 minutes left on the clock and I'm going to be honest I was kind of like alright let's just fucking get her done get back to the hotel I can't really

5 minutes left and it's been a ruckusy I can hear the show room has been gurgling burbling people are getting booted because they're fucking hammered this and that's happening I know it's happening I'm just trying to get through it last 5 minutes this guy

runs up to the stage and he's skinny and he's wearing like some kind of cartoon character shirt like a Yosemite Samish. Does he run? Yeah because he's being escorted out later I find out he's being escorted out and he kind of breaks

away from the guard whoever's holding him runs to the stage like quickly and stands there and he goes hey you suck no really you suck do another line and in my head I'm going wait a minute do another line

does he mean tell another joke? Say another punchline? and then I'm like oh no he's talking about snorting drugs which is something I don't do so foreign from my brain at the minute like I didn't process it he's telling you to hit another bump right

which is what he's been doing all night that's hilarious and I'm like what the fuck and oh it's just one of those what else did you learn about this guy so I learned apparently he wasn't even in the showroom during my set

he was stumbling around the lobby making phone calls to people and then when he was in the showroom he was in the very back and he was talking very loudly the entire time and that's why they escorted him out so what happens usually to these drunks is that they get escorted out

and on the way out they like to zing the comedian to show me that he's the boss that happened to me one other time in Jacksonville I booted some drunks and on the way out I was a fill in for Tom Green that week and then they're like I wish we saw Tom Green

I go believe me I wish Tom Green was here too this is fucking terrible you guys are the worst so yeah that's cool it was fun it ended up being funny and here's the best part of the story the part that I really loved is that that audience was so kind

I was standing outside talking to people every fucking nice person stopped everybody stopped and that was an amazing show you're wonderful that guy's wrong that's humanity one turd can't ruin all of that

it was really nice pimp squad for life also Zach and Nick diehards those two dudes are always there I got to see them hiding from my wife I got to meet him and his wife that was pretty dope

she's fired up she's great she's saying to you yeah she's like you need to give him a shout out on the show and I was like alright okay okay Mitch holding it down

what the fuck he got his real and god blesses a nigga alright here we go you know I've been thinking about this clip because I feel like as though we have to re-explore it we can't just have me playing the n-bomb

and then not re-explore this clip alright it's making me very anxious that is crazy talk okay it is it's making me so uncomfortable that you're using that as a drop right now this clip

and I mean not just a drop but what happened there was so funny this made me laugh so goddamn hard so we're gonna go back because I have to explain myself here I don't like you just playing me saying that

and then people not knowing the origin of that so we should play the whole thing right yeah okay so from the episode 253 and we kind of we had explored a little bit with half ounce so you called 12 ounces all the time

he's a gangbanger and this clip we'll just play it in full like you say his name no no it's half ounce though yeah he's a rapper see but why diminish yourself why not be 12 ounces

why be half ounces are you listening half why why half I literally thought I think I was gonna have an aneurysm I was laughing so hard you being perplexed at this at his nonsense you know what I'm saying

you know what I'm saying you know what I'm talking about you know what I'm saying this guy invented the triplet yeah he's a triplet okay here we go you believe in God is so does my man half ounce that was kind of what I mean

just focus on this music because that's all I'm about because that's what I mean I believe in God big shout out to God this is 12 ounce half ounce big shout out to God now half ounce took the

you know what I'm saying to another level because what he does is he does a three drop triplets you know what I'm saying you know what I'm talking about you feel me you feel me

you feel me you feel me you know what I'm talking about you feel me you know what I mean that's a crazy talk that is crazy talk that is crazy talk

you know what I'm saying you know what I'm saying you know what I'm saying God blesses a nigga that's crazy God is real you feel me God blesses a nigga I'm blessed right now

God is real God blesses a nigga wow man is that what they say your church wow I didn't remember that from catholic school all you niggas is blessed

what oh my god I was struggling after that one that's gonna take me a second I didn't make it up that's what he's saying I didn't make it up I made it by course

been stabbed up I was still here not everybody what do you think Jesus Christ that made me laugh I don't think I I still don't get what he's fucking talking about How do you not get what he's talking about

he's clear his day I don't know what he's saying 12 ounces okay It's half ounce I don't disrespect Mr. Allen but I guess I don't here's my thing I just I don't think God

I don't think God uses the n-word is what I'm saying I think that's my point when I heard that I'm like God doesn't bless n-bombs on anyone God doesn't use the n-word right God doesn't God's not like a

bless y'all niggas he never says that okay been through that experience man that shit hurt man I got stabbed up 12 times that's where you get the 12 front maybe oh 12 stabs 12 stabs

he should call himself I'm sweating right now talking about this I just I I think it was just like what God doesn't say the n-word dude no I what happens is most people don't use both in the same sense

most people say God blesses and then drop that also they don't that's not generally generally it's not what happens God blesses the meek God blesses the poor yeah it's God blesses children

that's it horses puppies dogs horses yeah God blesses horses it's not shit that's rough it's not common to hear and that's why it stands out to you because when someone talks about

you know God is real and shout out to God they don't also throw in that's another thing too you generally don't hear shout out you're supposed to be my niggado it's supposed to be we're gonna bring up every clip now that has the n-bombs in it

I'm making a point that's why I think you this is dangerous this is a slippery slope we're on right now what are you talking about there's n-bombs on the show I'm getting nervous I don't want someone to blog about it now let them blog about it

you're supposed to be my niggado sharky yeah I just I don't know shout out to God God is my gangster God is real why do you put the brakes on

if you ever get like a comedy award can we make a deal now or any kind of award like you're gonna win your Emmy will you be like God blesses a nigga I was gonna say shout out to God it's pretty funny you promise me right now yeah I mean saying God blesses a nigga it's crazy

but on an award acceptance might definitely be the last thing you say on television God is real you know what I'm saying you feel me you know what I'm saying you don't talk about yeah I don't feel like it's weird that

you that you heard that and that it caught your attention to repeat it I don't think that's weird I think it's standard I don't think it's weird can you lend a nigga a pencil okay okay

multiple checks man alright well is there anything else you need to say about it um yeah I mean just that really I think cause I was thinking about it

yeah and I was thinking about what I meant to say what I want, what I meant to say was back then I think the thought in my head was like God would never say I bless mm-hmm and bonds

yeah I know hey I'm talking about you feeling yummy it's just not it's not, you never read that in any like spiritual texts is what I'm saying okay do you feel good now to get it off of you I feel a little bit better yeah I just you know I got

let's not talk about it anymore uncomfortable as shit guys listen to my new podcast that's deep bro with Ryan Sickler this week we discussed the topic of change um he's going through some changes now he's about to have a baby he's not going to his wife is

and uh it's very it's a very wonderful episode he's so funny in it Ryan's so funny dude he's the best so funny Ryan's great yeah he's talking about his childhood stuff and I meet people all the time on the road who are like will you tell him to hit the road

I'm like yeah he's not going to hit the road he's smarter than us yeah he stays town damn it go to Newport Kentucky you got a big um you got big people big endorsements from people in Mom Lando

we have a lot of fans there yeah we do good who uh we're giving you props swole swole sister uh gave you props on that deep bro thanks guys yeah I've been getting a lot of positive emails I really uh appreciate you guys listening

so um sorry I was looking up my notes and then I accidentally hit Siri no worries uh that's deep bro though tell me more no that's it that that change the subject to change

and it's a there's only one philosophy bit from Heraclitus which is no man steps in the same river twice nega you know you know in the same river twice nega that's the the text

the Jenny Pentland episode huge the surprise mystery guest episode yeah fantastic yeah yeah both yeah they're fun I can't wait to have you on the show I have a topic for you you can talk to my one of my producer friends

to see if I'm if I'm available do you think you can make some time for me maybe okay maybe yeah it's such a fun show it's different than the show but this there's two sides to everything right you gotta talk about some real shit and then you gotta talk about farting speaking of

yesterday we both flew home from our respective weeks well I should say yeah speaking of mom Lando thank you to everybody that came out it was a really great weekend I'm I'm surprised you ever get like just

surprised at it's basically because of your thoughts on a city or an area that you're like that's not going to be yeah great for me or like you know I mean like you're like well I'll do the week but whatever you have like Orlando has been this is

three years in a row where it just gets better and better every year mom Lando yeah it gets better and better every year I did it last I did a few months ago I remember one yeah I liked it too it's good the the crowds are super diverse which I really like huge yeah it's like

all races all demos all age groups are there Puerto Rican sir definitely well because when you're Puerto Rican you're just Puerto Rican I understand yeah so it's um yeah I just I thank you to everybody that came out that

listens to the show but I'm definitely coming back to mom Lando well this so then we came home yesterday and that was nice and the first thing we do is you know the mommies make sweet marital love together and we're playing there

post-coital I get up I make you a lot a la latte mm-hmm my own homemade brew for pumpkin spice latte I bring you the coffee and we take a few sips I'm sitting at the edge of the bed what happens I rate I go to

lift one side to fart for you and and you get when you get one out I get one out and I go for a second one right oh oh sniff that one baby

and then you are like excuse me and I go for my second one and I clench you see panic on my face my hand grasps

my butt cheeks and I go oh panic sets in total panic sets in I've never seen your face like that like there's one other time you gave me that face and that's when I came home with my first set of Steve Harvey's you you looked at me like

oh shit this is bad yeah the only two times I've seen that look of fear in your face yeah and well I didn't even want to mess around I just kind of I scooched with my cheeks tight to the bathroom and I sat on the toilet

and there was nothing there how do you have a false shard alarm what led you to believe I think it's the I think it's internal and you think it's external like it's right on the edge of being external yeah you know I mean like what's about to be external is still inside of you okay but your senses

tell you it's out how philosophical we should discuss this on that's deep I know the science of farts the philosophy of farts my senses were like it came out but when I sat down no undies no not like it was fine and then I released and it was absolutely

but it was that breakfast place I told you about it yeah well we just did an autopsy of the shard this morning yeah the non shard the ghost shard and I believe it's that place yeah because every time I've eaten at that restaurant I too it's too bad

I love that he's friendly and like it's not good service I taste good going in I know but it's like how do you make Ria every time yeah I diary every time you know what's really sad about us traveling apart is that you know I woke up in Newport

Kentucky the first morning and I farted and there's nobody there to answer oh I farted a lot in my land and I farted for Krista and for the comments that's hilarious you farted in front of the manager

multiple times does it ever end with you because I farted in her car I farted in her office send her a text send her a text send her a text I farted for you all week

do they smell bad the office one didn't in the car she goes that is horrendous and she had me leave the car you know what you and I have been doing in the last like month or so you and I are like two orca whales like

yeah like this morning at 5am I got up to pee and I came back and then I farted and then it's like it's like we're connected now in our toots when did that happen

I don't know man but you're right you'll send up the call and then I'll answer it or I'll send up the call and then you'll answer it so gross I thought I sharded I was sitting in the hotel in Newport and it is it is that moment of panic

because if you shit in your hotel bed that's a whole other story you thought you did because I was like oh I know you're talking about it feels like you you think it's out and then that panic of like I have to

have a staff clean this my underwear is gone the sheets are gone the smell is going to be strong and intense and then you soiled a hotel mattress now am I going to have to pay for that

so can we talk about something in this world and that is this song that it's not submitted to the show but we know this is a fan clearly this is a fan

one of our youngest fans and this song spoke to our heart it's just it's really I don't know how else to describe it other than to tell you that I saw this I sent it to you immediately and you were like is this Jeanette well either it's your cousin Jeanette

or it's some child that you've clearly fathered before us or during our wedlock I don't know this kid is your kid but adorable I love her is that your stomach do you have to shit

no it's just making noises I'm hungry let's go the poop comes out of my butt tonight no toilet paper to be seen a bathroom with nothing to wipe with there's no way I'm getting

clean my stomach's growling with the poop that is inside couldn't keep it in heaven knows I tried no one come in

no one can see oh my god now I feel like I have to pee I hate how this feels let them know well now they know let me poop can't hold it in anymore

let me poop let me poop I should have closed the door I don't care what they're going to say to say let the poop come out the smell never bothered me

anyway this is genius genius American Idol America's got talent, the voice America's got everything and she's so committed too when she's singing to the camera

she really feels this song I want to see her do this on television so badly it really would make me so happy an American Idol could you see that with J.Lo being like I don't really understand why you would choose that song but I mean the lyrics are like what

and then Simon like have a voice let me poop an appropriate for television I can't get enough of it though it's funny this bowl's too small miss all the poop I have I don't think it will hold it all

it is already full it's time to see what I can do to rid my body of this poop no right no wrong no rules for me I'm free

let me poop let me poop I'm scared to look inside let me poop so she wrote this I'm assuming she's like one of the Beatles clearly

she's 9-10 years old probably clearly the next Paul McCartney the next John Lennon she wrote these lyrics you got the summertime jam was that Chinese food song is good this leapfrog is that by 100 million light years

let me poop I think I'm gonna cry here I stand here I stay until it all comes out we gotta send this to top dog I just realized that you think this would definitely

oh this is his wheelhouse yeah solo my poop overflows from the bull onto the ground oh like yours that's happened to me before in Jacksonville my socks are fully

soaked in doo doo all around and one thought how could it smell just like that it's so bad I think it killed my cat let me poop

I'm just blown away by her that's Emily Mandelbaum Emily Mandelbaum real talent a real genius can we try to get her on the show oh my god I would love to she's awfully young I don't know if she's on twitter

I don't think she's on twitter but you know there's an email account that uploaded this maybe we could send him a message how many views does this have 2.6 million oh so she's already a huge star well I don't know

I don't know that's really her main I mean she sang another song called when I'm gone and it has 9000 views and she sang a song at a contest it has 5000 views

let me poop 2.6 million well clearly the world has spoken they know what they like they know what's good what topics are of importance yeah let me poop she does look like cousin Jeanette though

and Jeanette would sing that in a heartbeat wouldn't she Jeanette's an animal I'll never forget that time we were home in Florida with your folks she likes to leave the bowl full for you as a joke and then you went into the bathroom

I saw it and I was like holy girls like a truck driver I mean she shits like you said like a full grown man it was and Jeanette's shits are sloppy and bloody

yeah there's mucusy lining I don't know what the fuck she eats but it's not good doesn't smell better than you used to either no it's disgusting how's your beard

I feel like your beard's on another level these days I've been getting a lot of people talking about it I'm surprised you haven't done this sooner because it's a really nice full I'm looking at the poster behind you like you had a beard then but it just wasn't

as full is that what's happening it's just trim it's just much tighter and then so now you're letting it get full and bushy and how long do you want to grow it I don't want to grow it much bigger

I like the fullness but I like to trim a lot of the stragglers it looks so good on you full time gig though we were combing your beard last night with a fine tooth comb and it actually got caught in your fur in your face

this is like a head of hair this is hair it's not just like scruff like coarse pubic hair but it's on your face wow imagine gizzing into this

so much coming that beard oh oh it's all in my beard now that's a thing I bet there's like a huge there's got to be websites for coming in beards

whatever you can think go at it though please I was listening and then when you talked about coming you mocked my community the beard coming folk

you know we deal with enough as it is and then to hear you on your show mock us and laugh about the cum that's in our beards it really took a look at out of me I used to like you

but I was just disappointed you got all that sticky cum in your beard you said you made it sound like less than we have pride in the cum in our beards what's wrong

do you know what it takes to get cum in your beard you got to make somebody cum first then you got to have a beard to catch it you ruined my podcasting what would happen if you had cum in your beard what do you mean what would happen

I mean such a ridiculous question well no it's not ridiculous I want you to think about the consistency fuck my stoma what it would do to the fur it would make it stick together after you let it sit for very long

then it would start to just over it's got to be hard to wash cum out of your beard it's not going to be an easy let's put it out there listen if you're listening and you have a beard and sometimes people come in it can you tell us what that's like

could you tell us what it's like to deal with that your mom's podcast at gmail.com please send us an email your mom's podcast there's no house your mom's podcast at gmail.com come beard

or do you think there's got to be a movement of people who like having a false beard made of cum that's a totally different thing though but you're talking about two different things I am I am Tom

then there's the cum beard which is just a beard of cum right I mean there's a distinction being made right now right yeah it's not the same thing guys I know you guys are like well beard comes and cum in my beards those are two different things

yeah two different things I think San Francisco, I'm sorry Manfrin Disco might have some answers for that they really might have some answers that's a city of cum beards or beards or beards of cum

yeah so Thursday we can spend some more time talking about cum beards Manfrin Disco oh yeah this is another thing we haven't played it on the show but you know we wanted to talk about it because

you know I'm buddies with the former champion of the world yeah you guys are tight now and I've been telling my Tyson story on stage and it's really fun to tell it and but some of you know some of you don't know last month

Mike Tyson was in Canada doing his one-man show in Toronto Toronto and he did an interview with this fucking Dick Slap and this guy basically is trying to he's trying to ask Mike the question

hey you're up here and you met with Mayor Ford today oh our favorite and how is that going to affect Mayor Ford's bid for reelection and it's kind of like what do you mean he goes well you know the fact that

you're a convicted rapist could that help him and the guys acting like that's a logical just run-of-the-mill standard how do you think that will affect him and Tyson's kind of like

like the fact that you're asking that and you're phrasing it that way and then the guy's like after it's like I was just asking questions I don't know why he got upset but Tyson

this is live on the air I love it and you can see the fear in this man's body language and face you should be afraid well you know you can't poke at the tiger

and then be like I don't know why it's growling at me now would you ever insult Mike Tyson not like this fucking asshole did nope get your life listen to what he said I'll start with yourself many are wondering how did that happen this meeting with the mayor I have no idea

at the end of the day he is the mayor of the city that's the promoter so the accent of voice is Tyson's promoter the mayor of the city Mike Tyson is here to promote the first ever performance in Canada

and when I had Sugar Ray Leonard come to Montreal to launch the book we went to the mayor's office we're here it's an habit we go see the mayor this is the first time probably in the history of Toronto where the mayor is bigger than the whole city he's bigger for everybody in the city

everybody wants to see the mayor everything's cool right now then the guy has to switch it up right so that you sort of follow no I didn't read up on my watch on television he's a big hit mistake

some of your critics would say there's a race for mayor we know you're a convicted rapist this can hurt his campaign wow he just threw that in there we know you like tacos are you gonna go eat at Jim's taco stand exactly

the fact that he says it that way like slip it in there it's a total shit dick move you respond to that hey I don't know who said that you're the only one I heard say that and I don't have no comment to that

because it's negative and you're being negative and I met the mayor and nothing they can do about it we actually had a really good time we talked about George Trevallo who's a legend in your city a great man with whom

Mike spent quite a bit of time yesterday talking about you can see right now that he's getting angry his life highs and lows so interesting that you come across like the mayor but you're really a piece of shit come on man come on that was a piece of shit

we're doing live TV what are you gonna do about it that's awesome I don't care what are you gonna do about it we're doing live like that's supposed to stop him from getting up and leaving we're doing live television what the fuck you that's exactly what he said

and the guy's like oh and then you can tell the guy's like you got a show that you're doing tonight we are and now he's trying to be like let's talk about the show like after he did that try to get him to stay

let's be cool right? are we cool again? nope you already fucked up dickhead a lot of people are gonna be there to see your show it's big for the show anyone saw the show it's a Broadway production it went to Vegas it went to actually 28 cities

in the United States and we're really really proud to bring it here and we're actually going to Monaco on October 9th we're gonna be in Monte Carlo is it nerve wracking for you to do something like this or is it more nervous for you to box how does it compare? it's more nerve wracking for me

to hear us talking to a rap piece of shit like you yeah that's awesome and I love that the promoter is just like I am not ever gonna say anything to him about how to do an interview like he's just like

you fucked up man he's letting him have it not because you're a piece of shit we're gonna wrap up this interview thank you for coming in fuck you nice I love it

fuck you that's great I heard that a while ago and I should have played it on the show when it happened but I just been thinking about it because I don't know I almost feel like that guy

that asked that question I think the reason why it hit me today he's the equivalent of a blogger who complains about you know what it reminded me of we were in you and I just did radio together in Florida I hate when people do this

to us when they ask those inflammatory questions trying to pass it off we're just being wacky DJs they'll say shit to us like which one of you is funnier first of all

we're married what's the right way to even begin to answer something that stupid really one of us is going to be like I'm the funnier one that's what she said or you know that really bothers me

people ask this stupid fucking question does it bother you that you guys are both comedians does it appear to bother either of us does it bother you when she gets something in her career that's amazing aren't you competitive

I would be really competitive well you're an insecure dick aren't you super competitive and I go no we were hoping for more and I'm like well you asked I think you're a piece of shit that's what I think right now man

I think you're basically a piece of shit and you're a rat piece of shit that's competitive it's only like insecure old white guys that ever ask that question cause they're like old school sexist pieces of shit of course was a shitty morning radio DJ

yeah you don't have to worry about that there's no winner there's only one shitty morning radio DJ in your family sir I think you know who it is oh my god what a doucher

yeah I think that that guy though I equate him with the blogger people that shitty interviewer guy one quick note blah blah yeah it's brutal

yeah I hate those motherfuckers well look we gotta get going we got a lot to do today we do we had a full day and we gotta go to mom's man friend disco we have a Friday episode to do hey what do you want to go out on let me poop

or do you want to go out on another song no let's do oh my gosh you want to go out to that I feel like it's been a while did we just do oh my gosh oh wait then

let's not do that one then sharkisha I like sharkisha no I know we'll go out on to honor the let me poop girl let's do turds on the ground Jeff Tibbler sent this in

this was a song after you got your turds on the ground alright alright Jacksonville Florida that's right comedy sound that's right I love you guys thank you for listening bye guys you're my favorite positive

what I didn't tell you that oh yeah I thought it was implicit and Mike Panix called you there's turds on the ground what what

there's turds on the ground there's turds on the ground what there's turds on the ground there's turds on the ground now back up and out

oh my god