Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura - 316- Your Mom's House with Christina Pazsitzky and Tom Segura

Episode Date: November 4, 2015

Are you mad at your Mommy? Well, let her know! DJ Dad Mouth is working on his mad beatz and skillz. Is there really a lady out there wanting to lick Tom's b-hole?  Turns out yes, yes there is. Christina is being challenged on her inventing the term "POS". Can she explain her way out of this one? Also, Mommy C raises a question that brings her to tears. Would You Rathers! Tom gives his insight into the new Matt Damon film. 

Go to the nabooch. It's going down. Rob's house. Last night was, um, Orlando. Tonight. Momland. Orlando.

Tampon tonight. Tampon. Tampon Improv, Tampon, Florida. And tomorrow, Fart Lauderdale at the Hard Rock Seaman Hole Hard Rock Cumsino. Wow, you got to say that all together again.

That was really good. Ladies and gentlemen, I'll be performing at the Fart Lauderdale Improv in Fart Lauderdale at the Seaman Hole Hard Cock and Cumsino.

Do you realize that that took like years to put together? It's like building an act. You know, you don't do it overnight. Someone tagged it and someone tagged it and tagged it and now it's that. It's amazing. Pretty incredible. And then Friday,

I, uh, I flew up to Barfalo, New York. That's a good one. At Helium Barfalo. I'm sorry. That's so stupid. That's the most juvenile one we've ever. Somebody tweeted it to me.

I'm going to tweet it to you. So, um, Helium. So childish, guys. Please come up to Barfalo. Two shows Friday. Two Saturdays, one Sunday. And then That was funny.

The big Big show for me. New York City. The Skirball Center. Friday, the 13th. New York City. I'm very excited. These get tickets for four.

And then, uh, the next day, the John Lyman Semmer for the Performing Arts in New Haven. Come Net-a-Cunt. Um, and I'm basically done for the year I'm in L.A. the rest of the year with my special Lady Jeans as we await the birth

of the G.O.D. The Sun God. And then New Year's Eve. I'm in Brea, California. I'm doing a weekend of shows there. Thursday, Friday, Saturday. I think there's even one Sunday. In Brea.

But that New Year's thing is going to be crazy. Um, and then after the New Year, I already have some shows on sale. Downtown Denver. Flappers. In, uh, a Burbank. And actually, I was going to do Salt Lake City

on my way back from Denver. Just one show on a Sunday. But I decided, why? Why do one show when I can do four? So I canceled that Sunday show in Salt Lake City.

And in February, I'm coming to do full Friday, Saturday. Four shows. And Wise Guy's West Valley Salt Lake City. So that should be on sale momentarily. Pretty cool. Good. I'm excited about it.

Um, what else, Jeans? Anything else? Uh, I'm, I am local now, because I am getting awfully close to baby Jeans arriving. So I'm just doing spots around town. Come to Flappers and Burbank. Um, November 7th, the 8pm show. I'm going to play with the label during this.

Let's do this. Steve Agee, Faheem Anwar and myself. And I think, like, one more person. So that's a good show. Also, I'm at the comedy store. I usually do the Saturday 8pm show. So that way I can be in bed.

Time for House Hunters. Okay, Christina. You know what I'm saying? All right. All right. Let's go. Ready to do this? Yeah. Let's do this. Their technique, bio-energetics, designed to help clients release memories

stored in the muscles, in this case by hitting a pillow with a tennis racket. I was angry at my mother. So I started saying, Mom! Mom! Mom! Why did you do that to me?

This shit is big time! Who is Ram? Don't bring anyone mother into this. Don't burn when the fuck is that? Welcome. Welcome to your mom's house. With Don Segura. And Christina Pazitzi.

Christina Pazitzi. Welcome to your mom's house. I feel like I feel like from episode to episode that's some of our listeners. I feel like after the Diego episode half of our audience was just like Mom!

Mom! Mom! Mom! Why did you do that to me? You think people, the Diego scarring people? I think the Diego pissed a lot of people off when they didn't want it.

Mom! How great is that stupid? I was like, what if this is our son in 20 years? This fucking hates me. Of course it could be. How stupid? He's hitting a pillow with a tennis racket.

It's so embarrassing. If you're a guy with a cock, picture me marrying your farts. Where you like the beef, chicken, farts and spicy cream. So that's us. And then the listener is going. Mom!

Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom! We're scarring our listeners. Of course we are. Marry your farts for life, please.

So hassled. But then he's like, come on. Now's the time. Take the camera. The time is now. The time is now. Ready? One, two. I just made four. Jesus Christ.

Jesus Christ. His intent? Mom! Why did you do that to me? That is ridiculous, this man beating a pillow with his tennis racket. I don't know if they necessarily I talked to one of my therapists about that one time. Yeah.

About punching, like hitting a heavy bag when you're super angry. They've studied that and determined that that actually can increase your anger. So that while some of our minds go,

oh, that makes sense. Release that anger. It actually can make you angry to start beating something. Clearly. He doesn't seem to be any calmer, does he? No. They said the best physical remedy is to walk. If you're heated about something, take a walk.

Because you don't want to hit your mom. Or beat her with a tennis racket? So it's a lot. Then the next time you see your mother and she bothers you, what if you grab that racket? You know, I've been practicing this thing I want to show you. Whenever I think about you,

I beat the shit out of a pillow and now I want to do it to you. Mom, why? And it's embarrassing that he let them videotape him doing that on the news? Yeah, this is on the news. So embarrassing, like, God, get your life, dude. Hold it together. Get your life, dude.

There's four Velcro shoes. White ones. This is the guy you dated? No, this is one of the shrinks I saw. He had me do this horse shit where I had the role play. Oh, yeah. And he's like, pretend your mom's sitting in the chair.

Put your hand over your heart. I don't like that stuff. What is this acting class? They've asked me that before to do the pretend I'm you and pretend you... I can't do that shit. I'm like, I can't do it. It's too embarrassing for me personally.

I'm the same way. I'll be like, I guess what I would say. They're like, no, no, say it. I'm like, no, because you're not the person. Yeah, it's like, what method is this? Is this the fucking... Um, hey, man. Yeah, it's too acty.

Yeah, it's very acty. I feel like I was... I don't like that. I'm way too self-conscious for that shit. After coming out to Brea, I had such a great time with you. There was a group of actual moms in the audience, like a party of moms, which is really funny.

I think I disappointed them. I don't think that I was the act that they thought they were going to see. What do you mean? Well, you know what I mean? I think they wanted, like, typical lady comedy stuff. The non...

The moms, the group of moms. When you say moms, I thought you meant fans of the show. The mommies, those are mommies. But I'm saying, like, real moms, like older ladies. Because they always talk about death and Dick Clark and all kinds of shit. Just, like, horrified. It's super funny. Yeah, well, you know, I've learned...

It took me a while to really accept it and understand it. But when people come to your show and they don't like your show, they're doing you a favor, because they won't come back to your show. But the people that do come back to your show is because they like what you're doing. Oh, yeah, the mommies were on point.

Always. So last night, I did this and I... I can't tell if it's offensive or not. And maybe you can weigh in on this. Or just inappropriate or not. Because I was talking to... I wanted to talk about celebrating death and in Latin culture, the Dia de los Muertos,

they do that. Mexican people do that. And there was a lady next to the stage and I was like, uh, you're Mexican, right? Like, and someone was like, Oh! And she was like, yeah, I'm Mexican.

Like, it didn't even... But is it offensive to guess somebody's race? No. Without knowing them? Like, you have no rapport with them? Well, it's especially not if you're accurate. Yeah, I was right. Because I fucking grew up in LA.

I see Mexican people my whole life. Like, I know what the fuck I'm talking about, dude. I guess that Asian all the time, you know? I do. I do it all the time. Right. Oh, right. You guess people's type of Asian in the audience.

Yeah, all the time. You know? Yeah. I mean, I've been wrong, of course, but usually I would say not even usually. Every time I've never had someone be like, that's horribly offensive, you know? Yeah.

Because you're going to be, I don't know, if you kind of know what you're doing, you know, I don't know. I don't think it's that offensive. Yeah, like I wouldn't guess unless I had a level of certainty so that I wouldn't want to offend the lady. But is that inherently shitty to do to someone?

I don't think so. If you ask a really politically correct person, and they would say it's absolutely horribly 50 offensive, but you're not asking a really politically correct person. So I mean, I just don't find it that offensive. Yeah, if someone asked me like, hey, you're German, right? I'd be like, no, I'm Hungarian. No, I'll tell you this.

Whatever. It's, I think, as somebody who has some, you know, Hispanic blood, way harder to guess visually which Latino you're talking to than Asian. I would disagree. I would say that actually I have a harder time with the Asians. How? I just, I just do.

That's impossible. So you mean if I lined up a Bolivian, a Chilean. Oh, now you're, I'm sorry, you're right. That's really specific. Yeah, how would you guess that? Yeah, that's super specific, specifically. But if you lined up a Korean, a Japanese, a Vietnamese. You talking about what?

I'm talking about Latins that we have in America. I listen. The predominant groups in America are Puerto Rican, Cuban, Mexicano. Those are the, you don't meet like, there's not a ton of Bolivians here. Well, okay. I hear you on that. But so you think just aesthetically, you could say Mexican, Al Salvadorian. Yep.

You could tell those apart easily. Rican, Cubano. I guess. I feel like I can. Yeah, I hear you. I hear you on that. But this lady was clearly, I was like, dude, she totally looks Mexican. I know it.

I know it. You know what I'm saying? Yes. What about the Asians? How do you know your Asians so well? I don't know. I just feel like having interacted with, you know, a large number over a period of time, you kind of start to pick up that like, oh, you're, I mean, there's definitely ones

that I definitely can't hit right. But I know I've been pretty accurate with Filipino, Thai, Vietnamese, Korean, Japanese, Chinese. There's just tells, you know, you just. Yeah. Korean and Japanese, I often, I mix those two up. Good luck, motherfucker. They're not too fond of that.

No, but you know. But Chinese I can because I had a Chinese ex-boyfriend. Yeah, we've heard about it. You can identify. We've heard about it. We're aware. Jesus. So sick of that story.

You fucking love that shit. No, I know. I find that actually most people appreciate that you're even, you know, because there's a, there's a type of American guessing that where I guess, I think it's always intent. Yeah. They would be like, what are you fucking Chinese? Nowhere. Like they're throwing it out there ignorantly.

Whereas if you're actually, your intent is to accurately guess. Yeah. And you have a hint about it. And then it's not offensive because your, your, your intent is genuine in trying to guess. Yeah. And I, and I had, like I said, I didn't just like, oh, you're brown. You must be this. Right.

It was like, no, I can tell our features and. Yeah. I was in Brea. Like that's, you know. I would say that the equivalent of the ignorant person in America would be the white person who just assumed that all Latin people are Mexican, right? What are you Mexican? What are you Mexican?

So that might be the person reacting to that. It's funny because Mexican, even just saying like, oh, you're Mexican. Does it sound pejorative to you? Like people like. It shouldn't, but I know. But why is that like an insult? Because, because a lot of people, it's because of what I just said, a lot of people assume that every Spanish speaking person is Mexican because we have more Mexicans than any other

like Latino group. So they go, we Mexican for anybody. Oh, that's why. Yeah. But, you know, it's still obviously a real thing that you should be able to ask somebody, are you Mexican? Yeah. Yeah.

I think you're right. And then people get defensive about it sometimes. You Mexican, but yeah, I fucking am. Yeah. Are you a Jew? And then people like, whoa, whoa. And like, well. Did you ask that?

I've asked people if they're, yeah. And they get offended by that? No. No, just wipe it. You know what it is? It's just white people that are offended. But look at, but you have to put yourself in the other. Of course, white people are always going to, white people are offended for the person you're

asking because they go, here's a blonde white per woman. Yeah. Asking things like, are you this and are you that? You know, they're, they're mad at just that you have the, you know, the audacity to ask. Well. Yeah. That's what I mean to everybody. You know what I mean?

I agree. A succulent Chinese Leo. Yeah. You can ask about that. It shouldn't be a problem. Cast the Asian. That's fun. I'm going to quiz you on that.

I want to do flashcards and see. Yeah. I just do it like, you know, I just do it from the stage, man. I just go like, you know, that's so hard. Like tie. I'd have a hard time. Hmm. Yeah.

Well, you know, everybody has different, um, different skill sets in the world. I'm not saying I'm the best. I think I'm better than a lot though. Yeah. Yeah. I guessing Asians. I think so. Colin, ambulance, please.

Okay. Hold on. Where does it hurt? Ah, my stomach. Ah, it hurts. Ah, it hurts, but it hurts. Okay. She's Japanese.

Clearly. Yeah. The desk and the guh. Yeah. The end of the word. Yeah. Hmm. Huh.

I don't know. I'm not saying I'm the best. I'm just saying I'm in the game. Yeah. I hear you buddy. I hear you. Yeah. Wow.

Very exciting. Hmm. Hmm. Pretty good. What are you doing? What are you doing? What are you looking at your phone? No.

I was looking at this piece of paper. Um, we saw that Martian movie a couple of nights back. Yeah. What did you think? It was pretty good. I liked it. I liked it. We talked about it a little bit, but we didn't really get in depth because then we had P.F.

Chang's after and that was a disaster, but we'll get into that later. It was, Star's a good friend of mine, Matt Damon. Sorry? And what? A good friend of yours? Yeah. He's a good friend of mine. You met him once.

I went to his birthday dinner. Yeah, but you weren't like directly invited. It was like, do you want to go across the street to where my Damon's having your dinner? He asked me. Okay. Matt Damon, one of my best friends said, do you want to come to my birthday dinner? All right. Yeah.

Sure. Why not? We're the best friends. Okay. And he said to me, you totally replaced Ben. Oh, Ben Affleck? Yeah. Whatever.

He said that at the dinner. Do you think they're still besties? I don't know if they're besties. I don't think so. I think they're pretty good friends still. I mean, who can those guys confide in the way they can confide in each other and the journey that they've been? You know what I mean?

Like they've followed this crazy path of being unknowns to super international mega stars. Yeah. It's like the three of us are like not even, like we're, we can't really talk to other people. You know what I mean? Sure. So anyways, I went and saw everybody, Matt's movie, The Martian and I really, I enjoyed it. It's a good one.

It's a cool movie. It's a good story. I liked it. The lighting wasn't good. Everybody looked like shit. You kept saying that. Well, Matt looked about 10 years older because of the crummy lighting and Kristen Wiig looked at it.

They all lit them terribly. I'll send them a text later and ask them why they did that. But there was a couple of things that bothered me in the movie. One is that I thought they, even though I understood the intent of it, I think we agreed that there should have been a little more conversation about the drama, like the drama of decisions. I feel like they were kind of on the, on the NASA side of it, it was well, you know, they would really contemplate stuff, but I felt like he almost was like too, he was too put

together for his situation. That's what I, yeah. Why didn't he freak the fuck out even more? It was very like minimal. Like in Castaway, that was Tom Hanks freaking out. Yes. And he went, oh, wow, that's how I would react. Yeah.

But he was totally calm and collected and positive the whole time. He didn't really lose his, like, you know, lose his shit. Yeah. Yeah. You would lose your shit more, I think. I would lose my mind in like three or four days and I thought he was somebody. Yeah. And I don't want to give it, but it's really cool the way he sustains his life there.

But I just think that it would have been a little bit more and, you know, there's obviously a decision for doing that. Like that's Ridley Scott movie and he did whatever he wants to do. Yeah. But I just felt like it would have been more. So. I felt that way that all the crew, like all the scientists were very unemotional and you're like, what?

Well, yeah. And then when they have to make a decision to go back to rescue him, just gave away the whole movie. Yeah, that's true. But whatever, it's been out a while. When they have to make that decision, they don't really even contemplate building sure everybody's on board immediately. And they're like, it's going to take an extra two years, two years.

And they're like, yeah. And the guy with 20 kids is like, all right, I'm in. He doesn't even doesn't care. He doesn't even think he doesn't even radio that like or do the the Skype thing or what they do with where they're like, hey, it's going to be a couple more years where the wife is like you fucking POS. They have one little version of that with the Latino guy, Mexican Cuban Puerto Rican. Vasquez was his name in the thing.

And he is that's Mexicano. He's Mexicano. Yeah. Try to look it up. Um, I'm going to guess you just guessed I know he's Mexicano. I think so. I think so. Let's see.

I'm looking it up, but he's awfully. He's darker than a lot of guys in a lot of movies. I got a lot of work. He's he was in Eastbound and Down. Yeah. His name is Michael Penya. Pena, this is Mexican. He is.

I don't know. I think he was born and raised in Chicago to Nicolasa, a social worker and and his parents are originally from Mexico. Look at that. Yeah. Know your Latins. Know your Latins. Yeah, he's in a ton of stuff.

Hilarious. Remember when he owns the baseball team? The Kenny Powers is playing on him. Yeah, yeah. He plays a great moron. He's so funny. Yeah. I've seen that guy and everything.

I saw him in Silver Lake one time walking around. Did you ask for his number? No. You know, I saw him at the the yogurt place that Maria went to a hundred times. You know, yeah, yeah, yeah, that sounds good right now. Anyway, I agree. The emotions were a bit flat between them. And even when they recon they reconnected with Matt Damon,

I felt like there wasn't enough emotion between those people. Like they thought he was dead. Yeah. And there was no like, oh my God, you know, we love you. We were so happy you're back. It was kind of very anti-climactic. Yeah. Yeah.

So so there was a but the all those things kind of are second pale in comparison to what I think is the bigger issue in the film. And that is, you know, they address that obviously he wants communication. He's struggling because he can't communicate. He's just recording himself on video for a long time and sending out messages. And obviously there's the food issue, which he ingeniously resolves. There's the water issue, which he ingeniously resolves. Then you get those taken care of.

You get the communication and you never address like jerking off or like wanting sex or asking for like some porn or like when he gets to talk to the commander, like could she send a picture of her tits or ass or anything like that? Like you're saying when he started communicating with NASA that he should have been like, guys, I got the water problem solved. I got the food solve. Can you send some porn ASAP? Yeah, or or just like when he like when he's communicating with a woman

after that long to be like, you know, what's your pussy like? Like a word, right? Like Kristen Wiig should have sent him. Here's a tip. Beaver shot. Yeah. Yeah. Or like, wouldn't you have done that? Sure. I don't know. I'm not sure.

I think because that's like really public. Yeah. He could get intercepted by, you know, NASA. You wouldn't want to help a guy like that, though, if you're working at it. I think there's plenty of other people that he could go to. Well, let's say you're in the room and it's like, sure. Hey, Christina, it's me. Right. The astronaut stuck on Mars.

I haven't seen a woman in a while now. Do you think you could send me a picture of your tits? Like I can just find someone on the internet. But so you wouldn't have to tell me. You could just be like, sure, and then just send pictures. Yeah, I would send someone else's tits. I wouldn't send mine. Where's that scene?

I know, I know what you're saying. And how is he not cranking them out? They never showed that. I'm serious. That would be the best. No, no, here's a, here's a scene. He finally, like he, he awakens and he's alone on this desert planet. And he takes the suit off when he makes his way to shelter.

And the first thing he does is frantically masturbate. It makes sense. It makes sense. Oh, I made it. No, you were giving me shit about it because you're assuming it's not stupid. He's not doing it while he's suturing his wound. And he's not doing it before he sutures the wounds. He's not doing it.

I'm not suggesting that, like, as he's planting, you know, vegetables to grow or but once he's like, hey, hey, and then he knows you have at least 400 days of food and you're safe in here. It's like, why are you not even addressing that you need that a little bit of, you know, sexual flavor. I feel like that's a component of the film that they didn't need to address. I feel like, why? I feel like you would just assume that he's jerking off frantically every day.

He's so turned on because he's stranded. See, you're mocking my thought on this. But what do you mean? I'm fully behind you. He is not, I'm not suggesting that he does it every day. I feel like I'm making this point. You're totally making a joke of it. And I just kind of want to tell you, mom, mom, why did you do that to me?

You're not listening to me. Yeah, you're not. You're not, by the way, what is this on our show page? Our document that we work from that you go like for Tom, it's always for Tom. Because those are pornography clips and I prefer you to stomach. Why do you even put them on there? Why do you even put them on there? Because I need you to go through them.

Because why do we even have to go through them? Why are they even? What do you mean? Why we could just not even have you know what the show is? The show is porno, farts, shitting, coming. That's the show. Yeah, somebody asked me that online. They go, is your show just farts and porn?

Yeah. And I said, no, black people and there's Asians. Mexican people. Yeah. Well, because we get submitted all these cool things. And I often I don't want to look through the porno clips just because it's so hard for me to sift through it. It's so long. I'm going to skip this. OK.

Why? I just feel like it's not necessary. We don't have to be at play this. You think we're too good to play the porno? Of course. What happened? We're moving on, man. We're growing up because we're parents. We're going to be parents. We're going to be parents. We're growing up like our son's not going to know

what animals we are. I think it's time to grow up. But you you did you watch it or no? No. OK. It's time stamped. But I also think they send us the time. Yeah, there's time code on here. Do you want me to play it? Of course.

You want to disappoint our listeners? All right. I mean, I feel like I'm way more grown up than this. Know your brand, Tom. Hey, Mr. Stokes, I'm all done. Hey, actually, did you finish cleaning? Yep. Everything is all clean. OK, well, do you mind if I pay you and come? I love come.

That's it. Do you mind if I pay you and come? I love come. It's not natural. Yeah, it's cool that she loves it, though. She does love it. She's taking it as payment. Yeah, that's not even that. Oh, I'm into it. Sure. I'd like it in lieu of money.

Wow. Did you? Did you was there more? Like, do I get there's a lot more? Do you want to hear? I can skip to the end where I'm sure they addressed it. That's payment. All righty. Oh, God. We're going to put all that come.

All over your face. Oh, thank you. Thank you. Oh, God. Yeah. OK. OK, and there it goes. And now there's going to be a little tag of like, thanks for paying me. Of course, you're going to do the pay off. Yeah, so there's your pay for today.

Does this include the tip, too? Thank you. Is this a thing now? Thank you. Where horse put like little diamonds in their teeth. I haven't seen. I haven't seen that. She looks like she has a little diamond right here. That's like a gum line.

It's a nice way to spend your $60 that you've saved. You got to get to keep those 60. Cool, I put a little diamond on my teeth. Well, there was something else I wanted you to address. OK. Well, Rich, Rich wrote in asking, when is Tom going to get his turntables? That's a great question.

The problem right now is the nursery, you know. It's in the way. Yeah, the nursery is really. I don't know where I mean, I want to. I want to put it in there because I want to I want to show the the the baby, like how like how dad does stuff, you know, but I don't know what else for us.

I want to do this kind of shit for him. Yeah. It's like to help him fall asleep. Yeah. Oh, right here. I go to bed, buddy. Tom. What?

The baby needs to go to sleep. Yeah, the baby's sleeping. He's crying. Hold on, I'm scratching. Tom, the baby's upset. Right now. Can you turn it down just a little? Babe, he doesn't like it.

He loves it. I like it, huh? DJ Dad, Maro. The problem is these. I think this is too big for the nursery. This turntable set, you know, we could do. What's that? We could move the chair we got, the rocking chair, the glider.

Sure, sure. Move that out. Put the turntables there. OK, yeah, I see. I see what you're saying. And then where would I rock our son to sleep? You just have to leave the room to do it. And then you'll DJ as I'm rocking him to sleep.

Yeah, maybe we could put, like, what if I'm scratching like nursery rhymes and stuff and lullabies, you know? I didn't think of it that way. That's kind of a neat idea. See? Sure, you can do nursery rhymes, scratch. And lullabies. Silent, the hope.

Silent, you know? That's not a bad idea, Tom. Rock-a-bye, big rock-a-bye, rock-a-bye, rock-a-bye, rock-a-bye, rock-a-bye, like that. And I'd be out in the living room with the lazy boy and him. Yeah, but we're being a family because you're rocking the baby. I'm scratching the rhymes, you know? Do you think our neighbors will take to this idea, like two, three, four in the morning? Do you think we have to ask for a permit?

I can do whatever I want. OK. They can't tell us what to do. OK. Yep. Now, I don't want to deprive you of your joy. Yeah. How much have you spent so far on the DJing equipment? Not a lot, because I just didn't know, you know, a lot of the stuff I don't know what to get.

So right now, I'm not that deep and I'm like six grand deep, but I'm not like, I'm not in it yet. I haven't gotten the most of the stuff. Because I noticed on our baby registry that you substituted out the pack and play for a mixer. Yeah. Yeah. Was that intentional? I didn't want to confront you on it. Well, it's like if people are going to get us something nice, you know, I feel like why don't we buy the pack and play and let someone get me the mixer, you know?

Feels like the right thing to do. Do you want me to be like a fucking amateur DJ or a fucking disc dude? You want me to be a champ, right? Like a dance. I got to get the equipment. You can't do it without the equipment. I just had a great idea. I just had a great idea.

I know you're doing Brea for New Year's Eve. Yes. OK, but what if instead? Just hear me out. We throw a party at the house and you DJ it. The kids are really going to be like two weeks old. Yeah. Yeah. That's old enough, isn't it?

To enjoy a nice party. Yeah. For sure. Yeah. And you can go check on them. Yeah. You know, and you can put the monitor outside so you can look. So it's like, all right, guys, it's New Year's Eve. Right. And then you just like throwing down. People are you know, whatever.

There's they're like doing shots, right? People are dancing. DJ Dad Mouth. Dad Mouth's doing a thing. Everyone's partying. We know 2016 is moments away. Happy New Year. I'm going to just turn the music up, you know.

So now. Right. The music goes up. I don't get it, I don't get it. The baby crying. What do you think? This is the best part. This is the smartest solution you've ever had.

Thank you. The baby starts crying, just turn that music up. Yeah, I'm going to do like some. Cancel Brea for that night and just let's just charge admission in the house. That's a really good idea. Yeah, and we can pack people in the nursery, we can pack people everywhere, put the kid in a drawer somewhere in the bedroom because we want people in our bedroom. Stop crying so much.

What are you crying about, kid? You've got a great life. You've got a party right now. Yeah. You've only been on earth like two weeks already at a party. Yeah, look at this bitch in party we just threw for you. Mm-hmm. Oh my gosh, so selfish.

Thank you. Crying. Hey, can you pause? I had pee. You had pee? Yeah. Okay, hold on a second. All right.

How was your peachy? Good. I also had a sandwich too. Yeah. It's the magic of podcasting and suspended time. Magic of pregnancy. Yep, all the fun stuff. You know what we didn't talk about though with the movie is how we both got our own

bags of popcorn and then ate them all like dogs. Another popcorn is delicious and disgusting. So gross. You feel so gross after? I crave it so much like when I'm there, I can't imagine not getting, and I don't overdo it. I don't get like a lot. I get a small.

Yeah. I usually don't finish it, but I feel fucking so sick later that day, like whenever it processes like through your system, bodies like sludge. Well, because I ate like three quarters in my small bag and I put extra butter on there and salt. And then you don't know what to eat after because you're so salty and buttery. I thought you didn't put buttery on yours. A little bit when you weren't looking.

When I was, you did that for yourself? Getting coke. Yeah. Yeah, actually like you didn't. You're like, no, I'm good. I was like, I'm better than that. I don't need butter. And you still did it.

You little sneaky shit. But then like I said, I don't know what to eat after because I'm all salty and buttery and gross on the inside. And then yeah, there's nothing to eat after. It is so gross. It is so disgusting. And I'll go and I'll get him next time for sure. Of course.

And then I fell asleep because we have Chang's after. And then I was so greasy. Like I feel like the grease just oozed out of my pores. It comes out of your skin. So gnarly. It's the gnarliest men. We cannot have it. No.

No, no. Anyways. It's so gross. It's so good. So afterward, we have a routine when we go to this particular theater. It's near a, it's near a P.F. Chang's. Okay.

We're such American. Yeah. Well, it's like it's right there. It's literally you walk out and I like the convenience. I like, I like convenience buddy. I like getting my food that I like. All right. Yeah.

You like the convenience and who doesn't like a succulent Chinese meal. Everybody does. So I like P.F. Chang's. There I said it. I'm out. And it's the same. Like when you're on the road and you fucking get a P.F.

Chang's. It's gold. Yeah. It's so amazing because there's no other Chinese food that's. It's the Olive Garden. It is. Yeah. But like I said, when you're traveling, like I just got used to like, oh my God, they

have a P.F. Chang's here. This is highfalutin. Wow. Like Indy, they put you in a hotel across the street from one. I know. I feel like I had won the lottery. Like, wow.

The assessment really breaks down our class distinction, you and I, because I did not feel that way. Are you serious? Of course. God. Oh, shit. Okay. Man.

Wow. You're fucking bougie. I didn't realize. So much bougier than you. But anyways, I mean, I just so you know, I would never, ever have walked into that P.F. Chang's, the one that we go to the movies if I weren't with you. Really? Yeah.

I totally do that because I know that you like to go there. I love it. I love their hot and sour soup. I love the beef with broccoli. Talk to the hand. What's, you get the sweet and sour. Yeah. I like that.

The honey, the crispy honey chicken. Yeah, it's so good. It's really bad for you. It's really good. So good. Yeah. And after popcorn, after a bucket of popcorn. Yeah.

Really healthy. God, we sound like we're on a fucking Weight Watchers meeting right now. It's disgusting. Yeah. So we, yeah, we go there. It's just a routine. It's starving too. They're in a movie.

Yeah. It happened this time though. Yeah. Yeah. We get in there. Yeah. When you're, I don't know who else has had a pregnant lady with them, but when you're with a preggers lady, when they want to eat, they want to eat.

Yeah. So we get in there and they're like, hi, can we, and she goes, we're ready to order. They go, okay. And the lady was very sweet. We ordered, we go, we just want to order everything right now. We ordered three things. We ordered, you like the beef, the Mongolian beef? Here's what I do.

Those of you that are beef with broccoli lovers, I learned this trick from a server actually. From a server. Yeah. Order the Mongolian beef, add broccoli, because it's a higher quality of beef that they use. Then the beef and broccoli. Yeah. Yeah. So Mongolian beef, add broccoli.

Love it. Yeah. Crispy honey chicken. Yeah. And then we get the fried lice. The fried lice. The fried lice. The fried rice.

Take down plain. But the mixed, the mixed combo, the fried lice. The kiwi. You can get fried rice with like nothing. You can get it with just vegetables, just meat or like just shrimp, or you can have them all mixed together. Yeah. Either way, you're going to get some rice with those dishes, you know, something, some

starch to kind of, especially to, to kind of contrast the richness of the, of the meat. Because you know what we did is that we got the savory and the sweet. Right. You know what I'm saying? Right. You need to balance that shit out. You need to balance it out. She very pleasantly takes the order, sure.

And then we get our drinks and we're waiting and then we see her come out, or actually somebody else, because you know, they have food runners at a lot of restaurants, right? So that's always weird to me. The different people bring your food. No. Can I tell you, as a former server, if you don't have a food runner, you are fucked. Right. But a lot of, I feel like a lot of times when I go out to eat, I see the server taking the,

like taking the order and then like the end of the meal with like, here's your check. And then there's three other people in between. Yeah. Well, it's because that's someone's job exclusively to just bring, to run the food. But I'm saying, and then another person will check on you. Like there's a lot of times at restaurants now, I feel like I see five different people taking care of me. I think that happens when they get slammed and then the waitress will be like, can you

take my. I got you. Yeah. Check on my table for me or something. So anyways, we order, they bring out a food runner brings out the meat, the Mongolian beef, the chicken, add broccoli, add broccoli. And then we're just like, okay, we'll just wait a second. And then a couple of minutes go by.

We start picking at it or just like waiting. Yeah. We see another server every time that somebody, a food runner comes out, we think it's our life. I'm so excited too. I'm so hungry. Finally, we call over our server because she's also taking care of a party of 20, right? Yeah.

She comes over and said, Hey, so where's the fly lice? And her eyes kind of bug out. Yeah. She fucked up. Yeah. And she goes, let me go check on that. Then we don't see her again. She stays in the kitchen, which kind of makes me crazy.

I would at least like to know. Yeah. You at least want the report back. Yeah. Just let me know. Like I said, I have waited a table and I knew it immediately when we didn't get our fly lice. Immediately I go, what did I say?

She didn't put it in. Yeah. Because I've done it before as a server. Hey, you forget. You forget. And you ask the kitchen to rush that fly lice out now. Yeah. But the protocol move is then to go to the table and go, guys, I messed up.

I'm having the kitchen rush the dish for you. I am so sorry. Can I take this away and keep it warm or something? Yeah. That's actually the more upsetting part is not getting the update. But anyways, at this point. I demand more at PF Changs. I know.

At this point, from when the food was dropped off to when we told her and how long it's been since we've seen her, it's over 10 minutes. Yeah. The dishes that they brought out have now cooled down, like they're not hot anymore. The orange glaze on the chicken is now coagulated. Yeah. It's a totally different experience. So anyways, the manager comes by and this is what I want to tell you about.

I've learned this. I have to give full credit to Top Dog. Top Dog taught me this. He broke it down for me once and I think he's 100% accurate on this. And that is like the art of complaining, of reporting bad news really. It's not complaining for the sake of complaining because we haven't even gotten what we ordered. Yeah. So I very calmly, right, you have to keep your emotions in check even if you're like

upset or if you're frustrated by it. You can't scream. Once you do all those things, if you lose your shit, you lose all the power in your complaint. True. I like that. So you explain matter of factly what happened and how it's disappointing to your experience. And that's exactly what I told her. I said, our server is great.

She's very pleasant, very nice. We ordered a dish that hasn't come out and now we're stuck with these dishes without the dish that complements them. You can't eat just two meat dishes. Hold on. One second, Jeans. Yeah. Sorry. I had to pause because I had to get that phone call.

Yeah. You can't eat the meat with just, you can't eat two meat dishes without the starch. It's crazy talk. And look, I want to say because people, you know, they complain and I've been guilty of it too. Like maybe you're complaining to a hotel front desk person. Yes. Maybe it's a server or manager of any type of business. Once you lose your shit, once you say this is fucked up, it completely changes the dynamic of how they want to make it right for you.

Right. They just think of you as an unstable person, basically. Before the record, Tom and I are not trying to shit on the mom and pop establishment to the world. No. This is a fucking major chain. You know what I mean? Like we, I only do this shitty chain. Big places that can afford it.

No. You should do it anywhere where the service isn't good. Yeah. But like if we're eating at a mom and pop place and it's like not up to par that day, I won't. Like let's say we go, you know, down the street. If they forget, I'm not like, I didn't make a stink of it. That's what I'm saying. Yeah.

All I did was she asked how everything was and I told her extremely calmly that they, that we were, because the thing is at that point, we didn't have an update. You understand? Yes. Yeah. Like we, all I said was that we ordered this dish that not only hasn't come out. We still don't know the status of it. Yeah. And then she said, let me go take care of that.

So my point is that if you, if you scream and curse, they don't need that person that you're complaining to. Doesn't necessarily even want to do things nicely for you because you're nice about your complaint. Now they want to please you. Yeah. You know, because you're not out of your mind. Right. You're not like raging. Yeah.

And you're also being reasonable. Like I didn't ask for anything other than, can you tell me the status of the thing we're waiting on? Yeah. Long story short, long story long already. The girl came out, apologized, said she forgot like you said she did. They brought it out. It was way too late to bring it out. They brought a new dish to go with it.

And then they comp the whole thing. Great. Yeah. That's the part. Sorry. That's the part that I mean, like these huge corporate chain restaurants. You should push back on them. No, you're wrong about this.

Harder than anybody. You're 100% wrong about this. They can absorb the loss. You're 100% wrong about this. You would do this down the street at our beloved Italian place like that? You're saying you would do that. I didn't do anything wrong. I'm not saying you did anything wrong, but I...

But here's the thing. Yeah. This is something you need to address. Me? Why? Because you're feeling badly about doing nothing wrong. You're feeling badly about holding a business place accountable for the business that they do. I'm just saying I get a little extra joy when PF Chang's, when it's a big corporate place.

I'm saying if we went to the place down the street, our Italian restaurant, and the guy fucked up, I'd be a little more lenient on him because he's like a sole proprietor. But when it's a big place, I want them to comp it. I want them to kiss my ass a lot harder. No, we didn't. But I think that I like sticking it to them a little bit harder. But you didn't stick it to them. That's my point, though.

No, but they gave us a free meal, which I thought was great. But they did it on their own because they fucked... What I'm saying is if the nice guy down the street says, fucks up, and they don't deliver a dish, and don't tell us what's going on with the dish, the normal thing to do there, you're not sticking it to them and you're not being... You're in the right as a customer to say, hey, we ordered a dish. Not only has it not come out. No one's told us what the deal is with that.

Yeah, I would do that, too. But you're saying that I wouldn't do it. I'd be more lenient. I'd be nicer. I think personally, I would be more... I don't know. I just feel bad for the mom and pop. I know, but what I'm saying when you're saying I'd be nicer, it implies that we weren't nice.

I was grumpy at her. Maybe it was because I was nice. I was grumpy. I was grumpy and I could even make eye contact because I was so hungry. Okay. Well, that's all lost on me. I just kept my mouth shut and I kept my head down. I let you talk.

Oh, well, all of that is lost on me. I'm saying that when you say that I would do it differently, I don't know. I would do nothing differently because I didn't do absolutely anything out of line or over the top with them to begin with. And I think that if you're a customer at any restaurant and the restaurant doesn't bring you what you ordered and doesn't tell you what's going on, you should do what I did. The fact that they comped it was, that's their own thing. I never asked for it. They just comped it.

Yeah? Yeah. Okay. I don't think we're arguing different points right now. I don't know what's going on. Why don't you know what's going on? Because I'm just glad that P.F. Chang's comped our whole thing. And if I were down in the street with the mom and pop, I wouldn't want them to comp them.

They offered to do it at P.F. Chang's and I was like, yeah, you're a huge corporation. Well, they just brought out a comp check. Yeah, totally. And I was like, excellent. But if the guy down the street wanted to comp our whole thing, I'd be like, no, that's not, come on. I'd feel bad for him. I would because he's just a mom and pop dude.

They're a huge corporation. Yeah, man. You are just upsetting to me today. Why? Why? This is just such a ridiculous art. Because I feel like you're feeling guilty when you shouldn't feel guilty. No, I don't feel guilty.

I just think the penalty should fit the person that can pay the penalty. If he screwed up like that, he would probably want to take care of you. Yeah. And he would maybe give us like a free dessert or something, which I would take. Okay. I just like sticking it to the man a little better. It would give me more satisfaction. Here's the point that I also wanted to make clear.

As we were leaving, because we were totally surprised that they, we were surprised that they comped the whole thing. Yeah, I liked that they did. I didn't think it was necessary, by the way, to do that. No, I thought they were going to comp a dish, you know, or like throw something in. They comped the whole thing. Yeah, that was great. What did I tell the manager on the way out?

You said we're not pieces of shit. We're not POS's. No. We left. I said we're not scumbags. We're not scumbags. We left the waitress a tip. Yeah.

I wish it would have used my POS. POS is not yours. It is mine. I said we're not scumbags. We tepter. And we tepter, by the way, like 40%. Yeah. I mean, look, that's an error that every waitress has made.

It's not that crazy. I know. My point being that we didn't punish the server. Yeah, I know. We took care of her. And that's why we did. Yeah. Yeah.

POS is not yours. We got so much feedback on that. Feedback? Interesting. We did. We did. And you know what was funny was that I can't believe how many people cite the same thing. Only because I can't believe it's in that many people's memory.

Everybody was saying that in Men in Black in 1997, they're like, Will Smith says it. And I'm like, OK, and then we must have gotten that message 50 times. I know. Well, I just can't believe that that many people, it was that memorable to them in that movie. Unlimited technology from the whole universe. And we cruise around in a Ford POS. Now, what do you say to that? Because you're claiming that this is yours and this is from 97.

Right. Well, I mean, look guys, if you're going to try to nail me, do your research because everybody, if you know, I'll let you know now, I trademarked POS back in June of 1988. That's my phrase. I trademarked it. You trademarked it in 88. I did. You've never mentioned this before.

I did. Oh, sorry. I may have forgotten. It's so long ago. When did you? Wait a minute. In 88. You were a child.

I was 12 years old. And you trademarked an expression. Because I knew that it was going to blow up. I knew it was going to be the future of words and stuff. And I trademarked it. And it's in the office in downtown. Technology from the whole universe. We cruise around in a Ford POS.

And I know the line because I licensed out the phrase. Yeah. And see, like you knew it was coming. So they paid you to say it in the movie? Of course. And I get a residual check every time Will Smith says that phrase. How much did they pay you to do the movie? Just so much.

You can't get into the millions? Or you can get into the... Well, it says 1997. And how often does that movie played on cable every day? And you get checks every time. Every time. Wow. I mean, thank you for bringing that up.

I should have cited it sooner. Yeah, it was funny. You didn't even bring that up in the first conversation about POS that you went through. I went through the whole bureaucratic mess that is trademarking an expression. I mean, that's like paperwork and waiting for... Well, back in the 80s, it was a simple mail order thing. You go, I came up with this expression. How many expressions are trademarked like that, you figure?

Oh, you can... Just zillions. Yeah. But I licensed it to them and I got a nice fee and the rest is history. Interesting. Sure. It looks like... Let's see.

Taylor Swift just trademarked a bunch of phrases from her latest album. They are a party like it's 1989. That's a good one. This sick beat. How can you trademark this sick beat? That's a little generic. Because we never go out of style. That's stupid.

Could show you incredible things. That's so generic. Nice to meet you where you've been. Okay. These trademarks prohibit certain items such as musical instruments, paper products, stickers, decals, handbags, guitar straps, and shopping bags from using the phrases. Well, that's why I did POS because I was like, guess what? That's going to end up on everybody's t-shirt and everybody's handbags. And I trademarked it so that I would get paid every time.

I don't know how you can... Because we never go out of style. And this sick beat... I mean, people have been saying this sick beat... But if they put on a t-shirt, then it's clearly in reference to her music. Here are some famous phrases that famous people own. Wow. Well, it looks like, first of all, that you won't register that.

Well, three Pete. It's funny. I was going to bring that up because I knew that Pat Riley trademarked that expression. Three Pete. And he did it also in 88. I thought maybe that's what tipped you on to do it. No, we never discussed it, but... Because they started to use the phrase three Pete to describe their goal, which was to win three championships in a row, as opposed to three Pete, which is when you win back-to-back titles.

Oh, let's get ready to rumble. That's trademark, but that makes sense. I mean, that expression, he gets paid to say that and people pay him to say that. Let's roll. There have been at least 17 approved applications that trademarked the phrase, let's roll. That was the guy... That's what the guy said during September 11th that was on the phone to take down the hijackers that crashed. That was like, let's go get them, right?

Let's roll. That's hot. Paris Hilton. Yeah. But I think it's, you know, I guess it's all in the timing of it, right? What? Like if that was in 2005 or whatever, that's hot. Everybody knows that's Paris Hilton saying that.

So if someone takes that phrase and puts it on a shirt and she can go after him, right? Wow. Good night, my sweet Anna baby. Oh my God. Where's POS? Is it listed there? Well, that's the thing. It's not on here, but I want to...

Are you searching the right database? Yeah. Where would I find yours? Downtown Los Angeles, the superior court in downtown LA. Okay. Let's see. Well, this is out of Los Angeles. Sure.

Well, that's interesting. They must have missed yours. No. I mean, I don't know. I mean, I was a minor. It could be under my mom or my dad, you know. Yeah. I don't know.

I just... All I know is POS is mine and it's served me well and it was neat to see it in that movie, you know. Neat to see it in that movie. Okay. Cool. Do you think they'll make a porno version of the Martian movie where all he does is jerk off?

That is so much more accurate that that would be happening. Uh-huh. It is. It's this biggest problem. There's no porn on this planet. It's an issue. Why are we not telling you it's not an issue? There's no porn on this planet, this barren desolate wasteland of pornography.

It makes sense, man. Can I tell you what really, really upset me that you sent me yesterday? Yeah. Really upsetting. Go ahead. I think I know what this is. Go ahead. The subject line says from Kenzie Houston Show.

Uh-huh. Okay. Let's go ahead. This is really more of a message for Tina because I wanted to confirm that I did say I would lick your butthole at your Houston Show. My boyfriend Sean and I are huge fans. We were the tall couple that came through your line twice. Anyway, we listen to IMH every week and heard you talk about us on the show and it definitely

made our day. I'm not meaning you. Okay. Lick my ass. Lick my ass. Yeah. Lick it. Nasty.

So Kenzie looks like we have a serious taker. I mean, how does her boyfriend feel? He was right there and it's happened to me multiple times where it's a couple. A couple that came to my show in Nashville also came to Raleigh. She told me right in front of him twice and then a couple that came to Asheville came to either Raleigh or Charlotte. Same thing. Always a couple.

And the guys always like that's what's up. Yeah. The guy's okay with it. They're very, yeah. They're thrilled. I mean, they're probably in by. I don't know. Who knows?

They could be. Right? Maybe that's why he's just like, yeah, I mean, she likes to play. I like to play. Like we're just. Fluid bonding. Yeah. We're just, we're couples.

You know? I'm Polly and I'm by. Yeah. It could be. Was she your type at least, Kenzie? They're all, they've all been attractive. All been attractive. Yeah.

For sure. Yeah. I mean, Kenzie's very, you know, tall, attractive woman for sure. Houston's pretty warm too this time of year. It'd be gamey. Yeah. And like I said, the Carolina's also attractive, nice looking ladies. I mean, some chicks are just super cool, you know?

Super cool. Yeah. Super cool. Super cool chicks. Well, okay. Okay. Kenzie, good luck with that. Good luck.

I don't think you know what you're getting into, Kenzie. I mean, I'm sure you're a sweet lady. I think she's getting into it. What do you call that? Rictum. Rictum. Uh-huh. I don't think, I mean, was her boyfriend, Harry?

I didn't really check out the follicles. Did he? There's no beard or chest hair that. I don't remember. Kenzie. More focused on Kenzie, if you know what I mean. Right. Let me tell you something.

I don't know. Google image search, Tom Segura pics. Notice how many pictures there are of hair visibly peeping out of the T-shirt neckline or his, just back. It's almost like. It's everywhere. You're suggesting that I would not bathe for poor Kenzie before the act took place. I mean, I'm going to shower.

Yeah, but it's so warm in there after, because I've, I've toyed with it. You know, I put my hand back there even after your shower. It's just so damp and hot. It's like, it's just. Look, I'm going to have the air conditioning set at about 61. I'll take a shower and immediately lay on the bed, ass in the air, it's air drying with cool air. It's going to be, it's going to be magical, clean, dry, ready to go.

You don't know? I don't know. Kenzie, I'm sure you're a nice lady, but this is so crazy. Get in there. I don't know. What do you think? Why? I don't know.

It's so, it's such a, it's so crazy to me that anybody would want to do that. Your mouth. My ass. Make a bridge and get over it. Do it. Make a bridge. Get over it. Get over it.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, you should. Oh my God. I don't know. Speaking of brown, how did I do with our guess my brown? Oh, that's right.

Guess my brown is an all new game. We didn't even get into that. Yeah. Guess my brown. I'm going to tell you exactly what causes that kind of fart. You did pretty well. That was what you guessed the other day. I think you actually guessed that two browns were going to happen and you guessed times.

Which meal was this? Sorry. Just refresh my memory. Which meal? This was after... Is this the runny eggs? I think so. We were having brekkie and you had two runny eggs, bacon, and I was like, what's your coffee

intake like? I predicted that you were going to brown at the restaurant because I was like, this is five alarms. You weren't right about that, but then you told me that you said you're going to have two more browns and you said one was going to happen and you said an evening time and this might not have been on the show, this might have been the next day. I made notes. Oh, it's good.

Okay. So I guessed my brown and I said, Tina was right. At approximately 8.30 p.m., I had a number five. Then you said I was going to have another at midnight, right? That's after the runny eggs. Pretty sure. That day? Okay.

So I made notes and I wrote at 10.30 p.m., some serious farts, but then look at the last sense. No brown. No brown. Wow. Okay, well. And there was nothing the rest of the day. I'm defeated.

I guess I can't always. You did well, but you didn't guess my brown correctly. Well, because there was an unfortunate day where we had barites for lunch and then we had Thai food for dinner. And I don't know if you've ever crossed those streams before, but those are. That was horrific. Too spicy. That's what we were talking about.

Yeah. That was the last time. Oh my God, dude. Both of us had horrendous farts and you, I woke up in the middle of the night and I thought that one of the dogs had shit their crates because I'm like, it smells like dog diarrhea. And then I just saw you sleeping. I'm like, oh, my husband just farted.

Yeah. That was, those were the worst farts I've had in a year, easily. They smelled like sick farts. Dog diarrhea. Yeah. They were really bad. Oh, this is so gross. Yeah.

But, well, I mean, look, this is, this is still, I'm still new to the game here. I'm still hoping to guess your Browns. Yeah. As often as I can. Today's been a pretty mild day. Hold on. Let me guess what's been. What did we do for dinner?

No, you did snooshers. I had a Brown experiment. Remember the experiment? I, I, I gave you, you were the judge and I was a Brown lock last night. I made you sit down. That's right. I presented my case to you. I ran a little experiment last night.

You left to do your show. I ordered snuschi, but for the first time ever, I ordered only sashimi and nigiri sushi dish. So just fish, right? Halibut, tuna, salmon, yellowfish. Order those. Got a decent side. Nothing crazy.

Tuna, number of items, no rolls, no extras, no sauces, just sushi, no Browns. Wow. No loose Browns, no bad Browns, no Browns at all. Wow. So we can conclude that it's the spicy, yeah, on a Brown lock is in the court. We can conclude, Yana, that it's the spicy mayonnaise upon the spicy tuna roll. It's the fried elements to any of the rolls that are given you your diarrhea. Oh, that's right, Yana.

That's right. That is very, very astute of you to observe. Also there's the shellfish question. The shellfish question is up in the air and it applies to last night. There was no shellfish involved. Because you had shellfish the other night and you had diarrhea right after. I had Italian, but it was also very, it was saucy. It's oily.

Yeah, oily. Yeah, little buttery. So that's still up in the air, but we know for sure if I stick to just fish when I have snoosh, there's not going to be any rea. Yeah, I'm really surprised that your runny eggs didn't lead you to an immediate bathroom trip. Usually when we have breakfast there and you have runny eggs, you got a shit right away. But hey, you know what?

I live and I learn and every day is a new day with you. Yeah. Yeah, today was scrambled mommies and... At the house. We made our own. Yeah. I don't think there was rea right after that. No.

No. Usually at home you're good. It's out in the restaurants. Interesting. Tom, do you ever have this where you sit down and you go pee and then you make your brown and in the time that you were browning, you actually made more pee? Wait, what? What?

Jimmer. That's really got you, huh? No. Because I've never talked to another human being about this one before. I've always kind of marveled at it, but I've never brought it up to anybody. But okay, like you said. You sit down and then you pee. You pee fully like you empty your butt.

And then you make brown, but it takes so long that you make pee again. I have done that. Oh wow, you're crying. I don't know why it's so funny, but it's so funny to me. Because it's so stupid. Wait, but do boys do that too? Yes, sometimes yes. It's crazy.

I know exactly what you're talking about. I've never really discussed it with anyone before either. It's a great, great observation. Sometimes you sit down to make brown, you pee, and you make so much brown that you have new pee. Yeah, how's that possible? This is a conversation. Why don't they bring this up as a presidential debate?

I would wonder if Hillary Clinton would weigh in on this and then maybe Trump and Carson too. I think it's the only question to ask somebody. It's the most important question in America. Secretary Clinton, you ever sit down to brown and you empty your bladder? You make so much brown that you have to pee again. You make new pee. New pee, if you will. I think, Governor, you can follow up with that too.

Well, that's a very good question. It's a very important question. Next year, if I'm president, sometimes I'll sit down and I'll make brown and I'll pee, and then I'll pee again later because I made so much brown. I want to thank Christina from Los Angeles for this question. I'm going to throw up. I'm so stupid. And then sometimes I sit down and I have so many involuntary farts when I sit down to pee.

It's so embarrassing. I hate those. Especially now, I can't really control it. Do you boys have that too, when you go to pee and then just the farts come out? Sometimes, yeah. I make yellow and brown and then yellow again. But I'm asking a serious question. Hello?

Yes. When you go to pee, do you also fart involuntarily too? The thing is, it depends. If you're sitting down as a man to make brown, you'll pee while you brown. But if you're standing to pee and you have to fart, usually you'll stop peeing to fart. You don't usually pee and fart. Oh, you can't do both. Well, you could, but the mechanism usually is that the pee flow will stop.

You'll fart and you'll pee. I've never seen you this amused by this. I don't know why I'm so stupid. You just flicked a booger again on the floor? I threw the trash. No, you aimed for the trash, but it didn't go in. You didn't see it? Neither did you.

Yes, I did. That's the problem. I'm a great shot. Because I think I can pee and fart at the same time as a girl. You think you can pee and fart at the same time? Okay. This is going to be a great episode for our son to listen to one day. Actually, they're all pretty good.

They're all intelligent. But I feel like nobody talks about this, so how do you know if it's normal? Nobody talks about the important issues anymore. Why don't they talk about the important issues anymore? I don't know, but everybody should be talking about this all the time because it's really important. Yeah. God, I wish they would just... President Obama, when you fart, do you keep peeing or do you stop peeing?

You ain't my bitch, nigga. I didn't know that, though, that you guys couldn't fart and pee at the same time. Yeah, no, we've covered it now, I think. You know what I'm saying? I didn't know. Another interesting... You know what I'm saying? Yeah.

This one's pretty great. This is from... I don't know where this trick is, but it's pretty great. It's important that people really open their eyes and learn about other people's situations. You know what I mean? And how to respect that. You know what I mean? So many people...

It's so horrible. I get so upset reading comments on people's posts. You know what I mean? And I get so personally involved. I just want to, like, attack, but I can't... You know what I mean? Jesus. Wow, we seldom get just straight white girl.

You know what I'm saying? So you know what I mean? Yeah. That might be the first time. I don't think it's the first time, but it's... Oh, well... It's... Yeah, it definitely stands out.

I know what you're saying. It's about time. It's noteworthy. Yeah, I like it. Yeah. And then we have another... God. You know what I'm saying?

And this one also... Yeah. Let me see where it is. Here it is. This one's pretty great. I knew the voice. You can use that. Remember that I could tell the voice?

Yeah, Jumbo. Jumbo. Jumbo Farts. This is Jumbo Fisher, Florida State's football coach. But after watching the film, we thought our kids played extremely hard in the game. You know what I'm saying? You know what I'm saying? You know what I'm saying?

You know what I'm saying? You know what I'm saying? You know what I'm saying? You know what I'm saying? You know what I'm saying? You know what I'm saying? You know what I'm saying? You know what I'm saying?

You know what I'm saying? You don't hear that southern Drol white boy. You know what I'm saying? The often-either... No. These are very rare and special. These are very special. These are, you know what I'm saying?

From the... From the October... This is brand new, October 26th media conference. You know what I'm saying? You know what I mean? Yeah. That's good. Wow!

He really did it, man. Yeah. That's a lot of you know what I'm saying. Yeah. For a coach, Fisher. Wow. Did you hear that? Yeah, I think everyone heard that.

God. You know what I'm saying? You know what I mean? You know what I'm saying? You know what I'm saying? And never... You know what I'm saying? You know what I'm saying?

You know what I'm saying? You know what I'm saying? You know what I'm saying? You know what I'm saying? You know what I mean? You know what I'm saying? You know what I'm saying? He's from West Virginia.

Oh. That's that draw. Virginia. Yeah. Pretty great. Where did this come in from? This is this old guy? Yeah.

Where did you get that? Oh wait. This you said... Is this for SD Pro? Is this... Yeah. This is actually just a sound bite of my next guest on SD Pro. Yeah.

If you want to... So this is the next guest. Yeah. Okay. Life is not long. We know this is true. So why not allow your snatch to get screwed? Why not allow your twat to get fucked by the slown in my slacks that loves to shoot

muck? What? Maybe you like your tits to get pork, your ass to get hunked, or your mouth to get caught. My cop doesn't care which desire you choose. He don't give a fuck, he has nothing to lose. Yeah. This is a guest.

Mm-hmm. That rhymed. Yeah, he's a poet. Is the whole conversation in rhymes or no? No, that was just his piece he submitted for a philosophy journal. What is this guy an expert in any particular aspect of philosophy? Just life existence. Life existence.

Existential questions. Yeah. Yeah. Do you agree with him? You think it's pretty accurate? I think this should have been part of the Martian. Yeah. You see?

Yeah. You see? Yeah. There you go. Yeah, you're right, babe. I'm going to give Mdubs a call and just see what he's, Maddie Dubs. Mdubs? Yeah.

Maddie Damon. And then, what do you think of that? When these hold you may select. We'll suit him just fine. Do you take cash or check? Geez. We're really looking forward to that episode. Yeah.

It's a different kind of show, you know? Yeah. This is, by the way, very important news. I think that's very much in line with what our mission statement as a show. Yeah. This follows the news that would apply to that. And that is the Halloween Whopper from Burger King has some adverse side effect that people are talking about.

Yeah. I wonder if you can guess what it is. If you have half a fucking brain in your head, you know? Yeah. Well, I didn't try it. Did you try it? Of course not. It looks horrendous.

It has A1 in the bun, they're saying. I think it's just black dye in the bun. Do you think it's really A1 in the bun? Probably not. I didn't think about that. No, it's just dye. I love A1. I love most condiments.

I like A1 on rice. That's good. I like mixing up rice and A1. I like that. This Halloween, things will get dark. The new Burger King Black Whopper apparently has quite the Halloween trick. And some consumers are saying the lettuce isn't the only thing that'll be green. What is she talking about?

I'm Christina Bear with Pixel 11. The company released its new concoction just in time for Halloween, complete with a black bun. But the scariest part doesn't happen until apparently after you eat it. The burger has advertised as having A1 sauce baked into the bun for extra flavor. But unfortunately, customers are saying that some ingredient in the bun is turning their vivid green color. And yes, the side effect is now trending on Twitter.

Because of course it is. One person said that he's a little jealous, saying I've never wanted to take a break from being a vegetarian so bad in my life. Some who ate the burger say they didn't care about the color of their... She doesn't even mention that the tweets that she's reading, she leaves out that they say poop in it. Not even shit. It says like my poop turned green.

Hashtag and she's like, she just skips over it. She can't even mention a normal part of human life. She can't even bring herself to say it. She's stupid. They're afraid of offending people with the bun. Others swore it off forever. She puts it up there but wouldn't read it. That is so dumb.

It's so uptight, right? Yes. Yeah, it's retarded. If you ate the Burger King Black Halloween Whopper, send us a message. Your mom's podcast at gmail.com. And don't send a picture. No thanks. Send the email.

We don't need to see it. There's no house in the email address. Your mom's podcast at gmail. You can email us about anything but we'd like to hear any stories you have about your... It doesn't look very... Did it terrify you? It doesn't look very appetizing. No, it doesn't.

So it's a really... Seeing a black bun just reminds you of a burned bun, right? Or death. It's not... You're not supposed to eat anything black, really? I would forget whenever I had that black squid ink pasta. Right. Because like the next day, you weren't thinking about it and it was black.

You shit cancer. And it's really scary at first. Right. Until you remember. Or like that beet juice? Remember scary? I walked into my urologist's office panicked. That's so funny.

Because I pissed red. I literally ran into the... And I was like, I'm dying. She's like, did you by any chance have beets more than you should? And I was like, oh. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. But you know how many people thought they were dying after they ate that burger and totally

forgot the next day and took a shit and thought they were dying? For sure. For sure. For sure. For sure. For sure. For sure. For sure.

For sure. For sure. For sure. For sure. For sure. Do you want to do these? So gross. Do you want to do these...

the game thing you posted in there? You do? All right, hold on. Let me pull up the right audio for that. Because we should... We should do that. It's been a minute. We haven't had it on the show in a minute.

Give me a second to find this. Where the hell is this? Is it on page 19? Yes, it is. Do you think they're peeing and farting at the same time? That's a good question. I think it's enough intro song, man. I think we got it.

Oh, okay. It's the intro song. I forgot. For would you rather... Yeah, that went longer than I thought. You're right. Good job. Good job stepping up right there. So here we go.

So would you rather... Listener submitted. Okay. Would you rather drink a whole soda bottle filled with the urine from two dirty homeless men? Oh, my God. What's the other thing? Well, the other one's more terrifying and less threatening. Really?

Or eat eight slices of Joey Coco Diaz's banana bread. Eight slices. So you basically have a Yoshi death scare. Yeah. I would do that for sure. Because you know going into it... Here's the thing. You know going into it that you're going to recover from that.

You're going to have a horrible 24 hours. Right. Probably 36 hours. And you know it's going to take you to the edge of death psychologically. But it's THC. You're going to recover from it. Yeah. And you can't OD.

No. It's going to be mind-blowingly bad, scary. You could set up your world it sounds like. Like where do you want to be for that? I want to know. I mean maybe my living room obviously... I just hate being super high. I really hate it.

I don't like it either. I don't like it. Here's the thing with drinking urine is that if you let it separate... Oh, my God. I'm like... If you let it... Right now. You dirty homeless guys.

Yeah, but here's the thing is that if you let urine separate long enough. I read this in one of those survival handbooks. You can actually drink the top layer because it's all water. I'm going to fucking vomit everywhere. I hate you so much. I'm 100% eating eight slices. I'm going to see the devil with Joey. You get ready to see the devil bitch.

I'm doing that. No, I would drink the piss because you can separate it and drink it. Dude, fuck off with that. It's so disgusting. I don't like being too high. I hate it. You would take homeless jars of piss? I've been too high.

I hate... I've done too much acid and fucking lost my mind. I'd like to see you like that. I've never seen you. You're horrible. I've never seen you really over the edge. Yeah, because I've done stuff in my younger years. Do it now.

You're fucking already... Oh, my God. You're almost... I mean, it's not... You can't fuck up the baby at this point. Oh, my God. I know. Could you imagine?

Do you ask it tonight? Oh, my God. Yeah, I'm definitely going to go and, like, Yoshi drive around a fast food place looking for the window, like, not figuring out how to pay. So horrible. All right, you know what? I might just... He said that the guy stuck his hand out the window and was, like, waving because they

saw Yoshi driving around. If you have never heard the story, you can go on YouTube and Google or type in the search there, Yoshi on your mom's house, and he tells the story. Just an old episode of him eating, like, six slices of Joey Diaz's banana bread. And Joey eats how many of his banana bread? Joey eats one. Yeah. Joey eats one slice.

Yeah, and you know his tolerance is high level. That Joey has the highest tolerance on earth. Yeah, you know what I might do if I chose the high one? It's just hold up in my house with snacks and treats, make sure not to answer the door, make sure everything... The dogs are put away, everything's fine. Yeah. Program the television to play movies for 10 hours straight?

There would be a point where you couldn't, you know, you couldn't sit still. For me, personally, I had to pace when I'm that high a little bit. Yeah, I know. I've seen that. Yeah. The old house, remember? Yeah, yeah. Pacing in the living room.

I'd have to get absorbed into something, like a watch or something. Yeah. Were you scared for me or was I too high? Yeah, I get scared when you're too high. I don't like it. Yeah. I don't like that he's out of control. I'm scared.

Out of control? No. Yeah, I fear that you're out of control. I don't like it. Yeah. It just scares me. Yeah. Because I don't know what's going to happen to you.

Yeah. I don't like it either. I really don't. Yes. But I like it more than homeless urine. Well, potato patato, you know. Jesus. Yeah, I like homeless urine better.

That's... So just move on to the next one. I really can't take this anymore. This one's... Tim submitted this, I think. Gosh, sorry. Would you rather wear cargo jeans for a year or wear those shitty Jinko jeans that were around in the late 90s and early 2000s, you know, the ones with big wide legs that ravers

and goths would wear? Keep them high and tight. Mama, I love you. Oh, no, Mark. Mark submitted that. That versus what? What's the first one? Cargo jeans.

Cargo jeans? Like I'm guessing... I'm guessing they're... They're cargo pants made of denim. Yeah. Oh, I would take those. Yeah. Over the other ones, those sounded horrible.

They were horrible. Remember them? They're both horrible. Yeah. But that gets a good would you rather because they're horrific. But I'm doing the cargo jeans and I'll tell you why. Because they make that bulge look bigger. They do.

They make huge. They make that bulge look bigger. So I want that bulge to stand out more, that minimal, non-existent bulge. I want it to look bigger. And I'll take, you know, I like, I have my tools, you know, I go everywhere with my tools and I can keep, put a lot of them in my cargo pockets. So that's a very, for me, makes perfect sense. No brainer.

Yeah. I might take the big horrible 90s pants to this room. I don't like wearing tight jeans. I don't. You know what you're saying on the show? Well, right now, because when I'm so puffy, I feel like I need room. Well, yeah, you're pregnant right now. Yeah, I need like air.

Just blast me the way you just said that with that clarifying. Sorry guys, I meant right now, right now, current state of affairs. I understand that, but I still feel like, I mean, which, which are you going to look like a bigger dick in? You look like a dick in both. Oh, yeah, of course. I mean, cargo, cargo's are, you look like an asshole basically, but, but I think those other ones, you look like a bigger, what do they call it, they have a name for them?

Jenco, J-N-C-O, I think Jenco. J-N-C-O? Uh-huh. I think you say. I remember in San Francisco, all the hippies and all the, yeah, the Goths wear those too, like the, the later Goths are horrible. Oh my God, that is not, you cannot wear those. Let me see.

Oh my Christ. Let me see. I know. Those are retarded. Here, let me make a picture for you. They're just so embarrassing. Oh my God. Yeah.

This is the fucking most retarded thing I've ever seen. That's so stupid. They like cut off the cat. Wait, I don't understand. It says Goths. Well, what happened was later versions of Goth, not when I was Goth, they wore a black denim and they wore them, not high like that, but to the ground. Kevin Smith style.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, Kevin likes those. Yeah. That looks really bad. I know. That looks, but he's not exactly whatever. Yeah, maybe he's a big dude, you know.

No, I know. No. I was just saying, those look ridiculous on him. I think he's great. This is not a knock on him, but it is a knock on his shorts. The fuck is that, man? Yeah. Unbelievable.

Yeah. I'm definitely, definitely doing the cargos over that. It looks horrible. Is that it for what you rather? I have one more, but I feel like we've done something similar. Apologies if we have not be able to wipe for the rest of your life or not be able to brush your teeth for the rest of your life. I feel like we've done that before.

Yeah. I feel like that's always been on the table. Yeah. I would choose wiping. Not be able to? I just go to shower. Look down to any. It's so disgusting.

It is so vile. Just did it today. Well, I'll fucking not brush my teeth then. You know, I could just rinse mouthwash. But he says you can go to, I didn't say you can't go to shower. And he didn't say you can't go get a cleaning every other week of the day. It's just been like 10 grand a year getting cleanings because I can't brush. And then they go, why can't you brush?

And I go, I signed up for this, would you rather? It's really good. Yeah. I still like how you did that. Yeah. Well, a lot of detail. It didn't take five minutes. Yeah.

There's a lot of work. Oh, I can. I feel it. Um, smell it. All right. I think we should wrap this up. Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba. I think we should wrap this up, Jeans.

Ba-ba. Okay. What are we going to eat now? I don't know. What are we going to eat now? There's a thing that came in by, uh, Coltrer. Coltrer. Coltrer.

Coltrer. Uh, was it a new submission or is it old? This was from, actually I mentioned it on the last episode, but we had a hard time finding it. Okay. So he sent it in on a sound cloud link. Oh, okay. So now we can, uh, just pull it up.

All right. Well, thank you, Mr. Coltrer. Thank you. Thank you. Yeah. Um, yeah. Thanks Jeans for listening. I hope to see you guys in, uh, Tampa, a fart louder, Dale, Barfalo, New York City, and

of course New Haven, Connecticut. Anything else, Jeans? No, I love you guys. We love you. Thanks for listening. Go to your mom's house podcast.com. Bye, Jeans. Pull the Duke out.

I need to know the truth. I need to know. I need to know. I need to know. I need to know. I need to know. I need to know. I need to know.

I need to know. You're interacting. Lady games. Ducky love. Ducky love. Ducky love. Ducky love. Dookie talk.

Dookie bubble. Shit. Pull the duke out. Dookie love. Dookie love. Dookie love. Atur vevere, to break, to break, to break, to break, to break, to break, to break.