Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura - 369-Your Mom's House with Christina Pazsitzky and Tom Segura

Episode Date: November 9, 2016

Even babies know the truth - Bert IS fat, but also our dear friend Burnt Chrystals has a new special coming to Showtime called The Machine and he goes by the name Bert Kreischer in it. Plus Tommy and Tina watched the movie, Shark Bites - you might like but it has one BIG flaw (same as the Martian with Matt Damon).  There's a really white DJ who really feels comfortable with BIG WORDS and all kinds of accents to master in this one. Who is the Water Champ? Now we can all be with the NEW Water Champ shirt! Get one for Christmas or just to show everyone who H2Flow is in your house.  Keep those jeans up!

This is a Narcissist. I love it. By Innuendo. Thank you. Are they trying to say something? I think so. We still appreciate the instrumental. I'll be in Luzville, Kentucky. Luz, Lucieville. Lucieville. Luz Pussyville. Hey. Hey now. Hey. Who came up with it? It's really good work. It's a good one. Luz Pussyville. Yo, I heard the club's closing. No. The laughing derby. Apparently they lost their liquor license. Well, that's really important for a comedy club. I guess what? My shows are still going to go on. So, I might be the last comic ever to play there. That's crazy. So, you know, get it straightened out. Well, then that's a pretty monumental, monumental thing, and you guys should come out and see Tom

do the last week ever in Luzville. I think so. Come out and see it. So, I'll be there, man. Home of Muhammad Ali. Wow. Let's see. Then I go to Fill Her Up Delphia, finally, for those four Trocadero shows. There's about 100 tickets left. Oh, and one show with tickets left. Then the, I go to, you know where I'm going? Basically, home. West Balm's Beach. West Balm Beach. West Harry Balls Beach? Uh-huh. Florida. That is close to home, isn't it? I'm doing two nights only. Four shows. That's it. That's the best. I love West Harry Palm. Me too. I love that mall there. I like that. I like weekends like that. Yeah. Oh, bang bang. So, I'm really excited to go back to West Harry Balls Beach. Then I'm doing New Year's in Momlando.

Junior's. Junior's Eve. And then, if you would, go to TomSegura.com. Click on the tour page, and you can see my 2017 tour laid out. It starts. It's a maze. It's a maze. It starts in Kansas City. Then I'm doing an Oxnard date. So, I'm doing a local week. And then, shortly thereafter, the theaters start. So great. I'm starting in New Orleans. New Orleans? New Orleans, Atlanta. And Clearwater, Florida. And Tallahassee. That's my first weekend. For Atlanta. Yeah. And then. Clearfarter. Clearfarter, Florida. Yeah. What's Tallahassee? Oh, God. I don't know. Tallahassee. Good. Yeah. Look at you. Clearfarter is basically my tampon date, because it's like 20 miles or so apart. Oh, that's awesome. Yeah. So, if you live in

Tampon, Florida, I'm basically coming across the bridge. Yeah. That's neat. You're going to Washington Dickham in December, right? Nailed it. Yeah. Washington D. District of Columbia, December 9th and 10th. And then, I'm right now. One of the best clubs in the country. OMGZ. It's the best, dude. The audiences are so funny because they all work at the government. They all work at the White House with President Obama. Obama. Obama. So, yeah. And then, I'll be planning 2017 shortly, guys. Yeah, you got some cool stuff cooking. Tom's ahead of the curb. Yeah, I'm ahead of the curb. So, speak. I'm booked through April. You guys really got on your calendar quick. They didn't mess around at APA, did they? No, man. We did add, by the way, we added a Minneapolis

show. Minneapolis? Yeah. Some of these shows, by the way, we're not going to add. So, if you want, I wouldn't wait super long. No. On, like, Seattle. Meat rattle is going to sell out. Lickety-split. We got a lot of mommies and meat rattle. Milwaukee, we're not going to add. So, make sure you get your tickets while you can. Why not get tickets for Tom's Segura for Christmas? Hey, I like it. For your mate, for your life partner, for your lover, your paramour, your brother, your sister, your mom, your dad, whoever. Your pet. Your pet. Bring your dog to see Tom's Segura life. But he's got to have his own seat. He or she. Bring your pet raven. Or your non-binary pet. Non-binary. Yeah. Polly by raven. And you're at 1000 Ranch. 1000 Ranch.com, guys.

tomsegura.com, guys. Check it out. What a great Christmas. Could you imagine getting tickets to see your favorite comedian, Tom Segura, under the tree? I think that's a, that's a, a wonder, especially if you're married and you guys want to do a date night. Why not come see my husband? There you go. For date night or me or whoever you like. Joey Diaz. Yeah, I like it. Airy Schaefer. Jorogen. Duncan Trussell. Dude, I love the way you're doing these. I love that. Bacrysher. Bacrysher. Bacrysher. What was the one you said? You said, Jorogen. Jorogen. He put the emphasis on the different syllable. Jorogen. Jorogen. We're ready to start the show. And don't forget if you are

one of those people that are like, wow, that's a lot of ads. Don't forget to bite the tip of your dad's dick off and let us know what he says afterwards. Okay? Yep. Feel free to let us know your feelings. Go ahead and email at Burt Crisher or tweet at Burt Crisher. Yeah. Yeah. Tell, let Burt know your feelings about these ads. And tell him, ask him, well, you know what I mean, get him, tell him how your dad responded when you bit his dick. Also, tweet Burt, hey, Burt, I bit my dad's dick and this is what he did. And then he'll be like, what the fuck? Yeah, this is how I feel about ads. Uh, I mean, your mom says it's free. You won't have to listen to commercials, but this is really going to be about Burt. Here we go.

Um, Burt Crisher, why are you so bad? Burt Crisher, why are you so bad? Who is Ramsey? Don't bring anyone loving to this. Welcome, welcome, welcome to your mom's house with Don Segura talking to Su-Su. And Christina Pajitzi. Welcome to your mom's house. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You're good. Um, that wasn't even going to be our, our opening clip. I just saw it and I was, this kid's adorable.

So I love it. It says, well, why are you so fat, Burt? Baby edition? Yeah. Like we've gotten the foreign. We have so many editions. We have. That was submitted by Alicia C. Alicia, you're an adorable, adorable kid. And we should say this. I want to say this, you know, you guys, some of you know, some of you don't. Burt, sorry, Burt is one of my closest friends, closest, fattest friends. And, um, his new showtime special comes out this weekend. I'm really excited. It's exciting, right? Yeah. So it's airing at Friday, November 11th at 11, right? At 10 p.m. Eastern. Yes. It's on demand the next day. It's, you know, it's, I just, I'm so happy for him. He's a, you know, he's a great guy. We,

he's the fattest, funniest guy working today. There's nobody like him. I mean, nobody's fat. Here's a shot from the special, um, which he did shirtless, which he did shirtless, which I'm hoping not only kind of gives a, another jump start to the bird is fat movement, but also to the bird is fat shirts that are available right now in our store. Um, but yeah, this is, uh, looks good, Burt. Oh my life. Oh, Jesus Christ. He did a whole special like this. No, I know. Well, she's actually smarter for him because he sweats a lot. Yeah. And it's easier than sweating through multiple shirts. Sure. And you know, it doesn't distract the audience. Like, no one's going to want to look at this. So maybe focus more on the material. Right. Right. You

know, so, well, he, he has been going shirtless in the clubs for a while. So this was a natural progression. Yeah. I think it's great. I think it's a good move. Yeah. The thing is though, once that becomes his hook, then he's going to have to do, once it becomes or when it became, because what are you talking about? Right. Cause now it's like doing the tonight show shirtless. Is that, have we commit to being shirtless? I think it's this kind of sign deal. Yeah. Can I tell you that we have a new bet going? What's the bet? It was established today. Oh, great. He was, um, he was doing Ari air, Ari. I'm sorry. Who? Ari Schaefer and him were doing a podcast and I was talking to them and cause Ari had texted me, like, what do you weigh? And I was

like, I don't know. Like you're going to answer honestly. I did. I did. I answered honestly. Yeah. Cause I weighed myself this morning. So, um, at first he texted me that Burt was 257 and I lit up. I was like, what? Cause that's so much for, especially for Burt. What? Okay. Cause I have no sense of what fat is for men. I, to me as a woman, that would be morbidly obese. Like, well, it is two bills. It still is. So what's normal for a boy? Well, it kind of depends, man. It depends like height, you know, and six foot tall. Yeah. That's what we are. We're both six feet. And what should you weigh? We should weigh, well, should weigh or like, what would be a better weight? What's a desirable, healthy, I think a better weight for us would be like in the

215 to 220 range. That would be like a healthier. We can do the math here. Yeah. And then like, what would be like, you know, if somebody was like, here's definitely where you should be. They would definitely say like 200. Oh my God, you guys are way fatter than you should be. Of course. Of course we are. I didn't know how much fatter it was. If we were like really healthy, we'd weigh like 190. Yeah. You know what, this whole time. But he doesn't weigh 257.

Oh, I have mine on, um, airplane mode, I swear. Every time that happens, you look at me like you're going to beat, you're going to beat me up and I call the cops. No, it's on the airplane. Okay. Oh God, I'm sorry, sweetie. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I got to give you my chicks. Oh God. So, you just like turn her so hard. I didn't turn, I just think exaggeration. Fuck bitch. So anyways, he's 240. He says, no way. That's what he said. I weighed myself this morning 242. So we're two pounds apart. So we have a, we have a bet going. We have a bet going. I know, I don't know who knows, but we have a bet going. Okay.

January 1st, 2nd and 3rd, you have to weigh yourself three days in a row so that it's, it's a real weight. It's not like you sweat it out and then you put on, right. Whoever is lower three days consistently, right, right after the new year will win the bet. So whoever's lower and then the loser has to take, like let's, Bert's going to lose, Bert has to take me and Ari to a, an event of some kind of desirable event. So it could be like a sporting event, a concert, some type of show, whatever. Like a Rihanna concert. Like Rihanna comes to town and Ari and I are like, oh my God, oh my God, she's here. Yellow brown diamonds are in the air or whatever. Then Brent has to take the two of us.

First of all, Bert is going to take you. And secondly, 240 is a lie. There's no way. I don't think he's 240. He's way above that. Yeah. The other thing is I fully recognize that Bart could, could win this thing easily because he, he just has the body type that responds to doing this, you know, that cutting something out really well, but he won't do it. You mean alcohol? Yeah. He won't do it. You mean not being an alcoholic? And I have the, I have the advantage of it being after New Year's. Imagine what he does on New Year's. Oh, he's going to blow it out. He's probably got a week's worth of shows somewhere in the country and he's going to be party and then, and then the food after around two 30 in the morning.

He's foolish. So I'm looking at the calendar for what? Yeah, let's see what's at the staple center. I don't want some like top row shit. I want like floor seats. I'm going to make, I'm going to make him cough it up. Is there a football happening? Well, we were talking about the Rose Bowl. Well, that would be like right then and there, but maybe, you know, I don't know, does airy like football? I think he likes it enough. He likes it enough. Yeah. It's a free ticket. So it's just for the hang. Well, let's think of it. Let's plan your event now because God knows that Bart will be buying you guys tickets. Yeah. There's no way it's 240. Is there any way to verify that weight? I feel like he's lying. I don't know. I think, I think airy saw

him weigh himself or something. So I think that one might be. Let's see. What is the, We need an objective scale. I know. Let's see. What are you looking for? Looking for the bowl games for 2017. There you go. There you go. You wore your perfect smile. The big games. Okay. Oh my God, guess where the championship game is? Hmm. In Burt's hometown in Tampa. Tampa on. So does he have to fly you guys out? I think that'd be a lot to ask, but I think going to the game would be really fun. It'll be fun. Let's see. It is, the Rose Bowl is January 2nd. So that'd be right in the middle of it. That'd be the easiest to go to.

Yeah. Maybe we should talk about that. Rose Bowl tickets. Maybe we should get them and just see who that's going to be for. And then whoever has, yeah, that's a good idea. Okay. The big game is in Tampa on January 9th. So you and I have been on a similar diet. I started seeing a personal trainer finally after 40 years of being out of shape and she put me on what's known as the primal diet, which sounds similar. Is this what Joe Rogan does? He does keto, which is what you did. Yeah, but he did. I think he's done primal. I think so. So what's the difference between what I'm doing and what you guys do? Because it sounds very similar. I think, well, mine is supposed to be high fat, moderate protein, net carbs only from veggies. That's it. That's pretty simple. I can

have more carbs than you, I believe. And I can have dairy in moderation, but it's high fat and protein and veggies. Yeah. It's pretty, I don't know. It's pretty gnarly. I've been shitting so much. But you're good at that. I'm so good at it. It's like I take primal dumps and then the thought of eating like what I can eat is not very exciting. Yeah. So I just, I just don't eat as much as I used to. And then then I lose weight. So it's pretty great. So far I've lost a couple pounds, mostly from shitting, but I'm down 25 pounds. It's a maze. Yeah. And how long have you been doing this for? It feels like I'm getting until I'm hitting like around two months. Oh, it's great. You look great. I've had a couple, you know, you fall off the wagon a couple of times,

but basically it's there. Yeah. Yeah. I've been good without alcohol, even just not drinking wine, I think, because then the wine makes me hungrier. Yeah. Because then it's sugar in your belly. Sugar in your belly, sugar in your belly. Check this out. I got something to play for you. You ready? We haven't done this in a while. It's big news. It's chips in a bowl? It's chips in a bowl news. Wow. Sorry, just to get ready for the announcement. Hold on. Wait a minute. I found my flask. It was missing. No, no, no, no. Don't pretend. I'm drinking out of my, if you haven't, my personal main mommy waterchamp flask. Thank you. If you haven't made a Christmas purchase, you may want to get the brand new water champion t-shirt. Go to TomCigarette.com,

click on the store and it'll route you to our store. Looks great. Merch method is our new store, but anyways, it's the brand new water champion shirt. I love it. I think it's really, really cool. Here's the thing. You can rock it. You can be the water champion in your house. You can buy it for somebody else. If you defer, for instance, like Christina does, and she acknowledges that I am, you could then give it to your, let me mute you real quick, and then you could buy it. You would have it to- Hello. You could give it to- That's rude as shit, by the way. To the champion in your life. But anyways, I'm the water champion. We'll see. You know what I'm going to do when I get mine is I'm going to have my initials, my monogram put on there. We're very proud of it,

and we're very proud of the water championship that hasn't ended. People, every time I hit the stage, they're like, drink that water. They ask you to drink water. That's funny. That's because you're not already drinking that guy. And then when I pound a bottle, they cheer like I'm chugging beer. It's really fun. Well, you know what I do is I had a special dress custom made that I can hold two water containers in, and I do- Custom made. I did. I had a tailor sew in two pockets, and I put a bottle of water in each. I'm not lying. Ask my audience. It's come to see. Ask my audience. And I drink both bottles while on stage. You said that like a self-help guru would. Ask my audience. They are. They are my guru. Yeah. How come this got way

louder? Did you turn me up a little bit there? I don't know. Did I? Yeah, that's better. Now, water champ shirt, very good Christmas item also, and jeans. We're moving next week. Do you know that? I know. We've done nothing. Well, we've moved the move three times now. Three times, yeah, because of various annoying reasons, but- Now we're just sticking to it. Now we're just going. We're just fucking going, but we have done nothing so far. We have packed nothing. We have thrown away nothing. But number one on my priority list is ordering toto washlets. Yeah. Now, what's interesting is I went into the- I'll show you what I discovered. I went into the toto store. They don't sell them at the toto store. It's like a showroom. The guy told me that there's a newer

model. Basically, we have the dinosaur of the toto washlet. Let me see if I can find it. Here we go. The model we need to get is a 350E. Cannot wait. Now, they said it's significantly less on Amazon. That's what I want to do with there. That's what I want to do too. You can get it for half the price basically on Amazon. Half sounds good. Using our banner. Oh, yeah. We're going to buy our toto through our banner. Of course. I encourage you guys, if you want to buy a toto washlet or anything on Amazon, this Christmas season, Christmas is coming very fast. Please use our banner, your mom's house, podcast.com, go to the banner, go to the homepage. By the way, we had a very, very exciting conversation with one Dan Peña. Oh my God. Oh my God. So exciting. The reason we

don't have it for you today, because it was extensive and we have to basically have it cut down, edited, so that it's appropriate to share with you. But we'll also, I think we should also just put up the full conversation as a separate video. Yeah, they should really hear him because he's so amazing. Fascinating guy. But when we were on Rogan, this whole start, because we were on Rogan and we were thinking about, you know, what is some of the exciting things we've played on the show since the last time we saw Joe. And, you know, when we, two times before, we introduced him to King Assripper, which catapulted him into the limelight. Oh yeah. And then with Peña, we brought him up, but Joe wasn't sure if he was going to get taken down because of people, you know,

and their usage rights. Peña doesn't give a shit, but Joe didn't know that at the time. Well, because Dan gives everything away for free. That's his whole thing. But we didn't, I didn't know that, right? You know, we didn't want to assume that for Dan, the 50 billion dollar man. That guy. Yes. He doesn't give a shit though. Yeah. That's what he's almost dead. I don't think we could play stuff without getting sued, Jamie. Hello, Joe. My name is Dan Peña. I'm still a formidable force at six one to 25. And if you think that I'm almost dead and I'm not going to be alive anymore, ask this bear that I killed with a fucking knife not too long ago. I'm still a very tough fucking guy at 71. I take no bullshit in person or on the fucking

YouTube. I'm not dead and I'm plenty alive and I don't give a fuck what anybody says about me. I rip people's head off and shit down their neck and from one tough guy to another tough guy. Don't be afraid. Don't be scared to use my stuff on your podcast. It's all fucking free. You ask me, why do you give it away free, Dan? I give it away free to take the last fucking excuse away from the sorry cunts, why they can't fulfill their dreams. I'm calling you out, Joe. You think you're a tough guy? You haven't met me. I'm the 50 billion dollar man and this is my lair. Yeah. This guy's the fucking best. What's the guy, man? Look at Peña's castle, man. I know. Isn't that nuts? Yeah. Motherfucker lives there. And his lair. Look at that shit. Yeah, you know,

they don't know fucking be all shit. You're wearing your fucking suit. What are you wearing? Your fucking jeans? I can't. I was so excited. We had a great conversation. The day we spoke to Dan Peña, he's gracious enough to accommodate because he's in England. So we had to go back and forth for a couple of weeks here to find the time that worked for both of us. And he's also, he just finished up doing another QLA seminar in his castle and jeans. I was, I don't think I've ever been that excited to talk. Like we've spoken with Gloria Stefan, Brace from Gigalos. I love our list. It's amazing. Joy, I remember. Jules Ventura. Jules Ventura has been in the studio. Of course. And Dan was exciting. Dan's a major get for us. I mean, I was sweating with

excitement to talk to him. He was great too. He was great. He's a fantastic speaker and a great guest. And I can't wait for you guys to hear the interview we had with him. So hopefully we'll get it in order. Yeah. We just have to take, you know, whittle it because it'll be like happy. Because we've done that before, by the way, where you like to just play something. The whole thing. Yeah. But we will put it up for people if they want to hear the whole thing. Absolutely. I rip people's head off and shit down their neck. Yeah. I love it. He really talks like that too. And he does. In casual conversation. He does. So I was in ball meat this weekend. Where? Raw ball meat. Raw. North Carolina. Which club is that? The Comedy Club?

Charlie Goodnights. Oh, Charlie Goodnights. Yeah. Yeah. I went there and you know what, I didn't realize, you know, a big Semenhole fan. Yeah. Flora State. Yeah. Flora State was playing there. I couldn't go to the game. I was at the same time as my shows, but I got to meet up with, you know, I'm such a big fan and I've been Twitter friends with some of the columnists and writers, you know, cover them. So I met up with one after the show. It's really fun. That's exciting. So you, it's like a pen pal. It is. It's like a pen pal that I met. Yeah. And did you guys jerk off in each other's mouths about the Semenholes? Yep. Yep. That's exactly what we did. Did you guys meet each other and take your dicks out and go, Hey, that's pretty good. Yeah. That's a really

neat story. How do you can tell our son your version of the story one day? Oh my God. Oh my God. This is not even borderline. You just basically did it. Okay. I'm done with you now. Thank you. Those are big words. That's the way you did that. What are you talking about? It was very... Big words. ...ish of you. Why? Why I was making fun of the song. To me, it felt like you were making fun of Native America, so I didn't like it. Okay. It made me uncomfortable. Big words. That was not racist in the... Blame the Semenholes for... It felt like it. I felt like it. Why don't you blame the Semenholes for having a racist mascot and song? That's not a racist mascot. Absolutely is. First of all, the Seminole Nation supports

the university using Seminoles as a mascot of the team. Right. Absolutely. Absolutely. So then how is my paying homage to their music? It was disrespectful the way you did it. It was disrespectful. Thank God. God. And then you do the Tomahawk chop. I know all this because I've been watching you do it for, like, in 50 years. Yeah. 50 years. Now, before your flight, yeah, before your flight, did you go... This is my song. Come on. Did you guys see their singing? Listen to how you did it. Come on. That's a cool anthem if you're a school. It's cool. I do like it. We're stomping the yard.

Babe, what's that movie? You know, I'm playing there. That's my Tallahassee date. Oh, okay. I'm doing the school. Oh, that's fun. You're doing that? Yeah. Babe, what's that movie where he goes, what are they doing? They're stomping the yard. Remember that? I think that's stomped the yard. But don't you quote that a lot? Yeah, because it's so dumb. Well, say it. Say it the way you say it. He's like, what are they doing? He's like, they're stomping the yard, man. Because that's what he... I think he... Man, they stomped in the yard. Yeah, it's so dumb. I think that's Chris Brown, right? Isn't that who he is? It's him before he beat the shit out of Rihanna. Oh, Rihanna. I forgot about that.

What's going on over there? Man, they stomping the yard right now. I think that's it. Man, they stomped and that means just to dance, right? They're dancing like they're stomping. Yeah, but they're doing it like... They're going, they're going, brrr, it's cold in here. There must be some clovers in the atmosphere. I said, brrr. Is that stomping the yard? It's cold in... I just watched bring it on, so that's why it's in my mind. It's cold in here. There must be some clovers. I want this, man. Yeah. It's not just about you. Let's go. Awesome, great move. Oh. Uh-oh. Uh-oh. It got serious. Someone got in a fight. They got hurt. Somebody stomped

someone's face in the yard. Uh-oh. It's real serious. Sit out here and act like I want to be here. You're the only thing your mama's got left. Oh, dear. Wow, we got lucky. That's in the trailer. What the hell are they doing? What the hell are they doing? They're stomping the yard. See how he says it like you dumb bitch? Yeah, like you don't know what that stuff's called, stupid? What the hell are they doing? They're stomping the yard, man. Yeah, I wouldn't know what that's called. Of course not. I wouldn't know like they're doing their dance routines.

They're working on their raps, man. Yeah, they're rapping. Uh, yeah. Gosh, you don't know that? You guys are dancing. You're the only thing your mama's got left. The guy answers him with contempt. Right. So you put him in this comic boy thing and work out. Right. What the hell are they doing? The stomping the yard. Where are you from? Yeah. Where are you from, dummy? You didn't, you know, an idiot? People don't stomp the yard in the cafeteria where you're from. That's the first time I ever saw that stuff happen. You're going to be a freshman here.

You don't even know to stomp the yard. What part of the world are they like in the South somewhere? I don't know where that looks like an HBU, but I don't know where it is. I was stomping the yard, dummy. Don't you know that? Uh-oh, we woke up LJ maybe. Probably from stomping the yard so loud. You stomped the yard. Yeah. What was the point of this discussion? Oh, I was going to say, so you left really early for your, you had like an 11 a.m. flight, but you left the house at like six in the morning and I was like, are you going to the strip club before you get on your flight?

And then I texted you that that's where I was. I left so early, just because there's a strip club by LAX. She's eating a zip lock, a plastic zip lock bag. Wow, that's, she looks like, I wouldn't say she has eaten some of a zip lock bag. God. What a dummy. How are you alive? What are you doing? She's definitely not stomping the yard. No. So, could you imagine the people do that? Of course they do that. That's why strip clubs, look, they're everywhere and people go at all different times for different reasons, which I understand. I don't think going to strip clubs is weird, but you brought to my attention this specific location and stories about it that

were very amusing, I think. Well, we started joking around the house now that every time you go to the airport. Wow, that was loud. Did you register? Yeah. Imagine if we had the fart mic. I know. It would have been a lot better. I know. But my father had his best friend who's now dead, but they went to a Costa Rica trip once and they went extra early to the airport so that my dad's friend could go to the strip club. So his wife dropped them off at the airport and I'm like, see you later, sweetie. And then they got into a cab and went to the nudie bar. Yeah. And then go back to the airport. And then you go back to the airport, get on the flight.

Yeah. So he's getting ramped up for the trip. That's all. I mean, it makes sense. I don't think it's that weird. I just think it's funny that you know someone so closely. Yeah, it's funny. Yeah, it's funny. It's silly. Yeah, it's silly. It's silly that your wife drops you off and then you leave the airport to go to a tiddy bar before the flight in the morning. Because I was thinking about what I would have to do to go is I would have to leave like four hours early. That's the part that's funny, is that you're going to be like, oh my God, I'm going to get up at four a.m. to catch this flight, just 10 a.m. flight. And why not just land at the destination and then find a nudie bar

at your, like you have to go before the flight in the morning. Yeah, you got to really love it. You got to love it. Or you could just need breakfast. That's something I didn't know about until I was much older, was that there's a buffet. There's strip clubs that serve food and that some people are like, hey, the food's really good. It's not good. It can't be good. It can't be really good. Like, but it's buffet, right? Like, it's crappy. I've never had it. I did have steak. There's one like, in Florida, there's a chain of a steakhouse that's also a topless bar, but it's known to be a good steakhouse. I had to look it up. And then I had to stay there. Sorry, it's a topless steakhouse. Or maybe it's,

you know, it's like, let me see. But you're saying the steak, the steak came first. But people go, people are like, this is like, it is good steak topless. It's like Hooters' steakhouse. Where you're like, no, no, no, I'm going to Hooters for the chicken wings. Is this it? Rachel's steakhouse. Yes. Now she's chewing. That's supposed to be good. Rachel's? Yeah, I went there years and years ago. Where is that? What part of Florida? It looks like there's one in Tampa. And let's see, Orlando. Yeah, it's in like some of the big cities. Now, Betsy's chewing on paper. It's memorable. It's not like I go, she's so dumb. It wasn't like I go, man, it's the best steak of my life. Right. But it's like, it's good. It's good. For a titty bar, I imagine. Right. But what I wouldn't do

and what I've heard of people doing is breakfast. Like scrambled eggs buffet at the strip club. I'm not into that. Especially by the airport. Like I understand if you're in Vegas. Yeah. And you just, you know, you just blew it out all night and you're hungover and you just go there. It's funny. It's fun. Sure. But just for a flight. Like for a flight. Commitment. No, it seems like you really want it. You really need it. Like you really need it to be like, we got to make a pit stop. Like you really need to come in your pants. Well, that's the thing is like, you also are, for a flight, any inconvenience is magnified. Right. You're really inconveniencing yourself. That's what I'm saying. It's already shitty to wake up and go to the fucking airport.

You go through security. You went extra early. Right. Yeah. Leaving the airport. Getting into a cab. That's a lot. Getting hammered and then coming back. Yeah. It just seems like a lot for a morning. But I guess it makes, you know what? It makes, I understand it more that they went on, they did it before their, their bro trip. It was like a 50th birthday trip. Yeah. But maybe, you know, but it sounds like that dude from what I've heard about him, he might have done that on any flight. Yeah. Might have been his routine. Yeah. I don't think it's because this was the special birthday trip. Let me ask you this. Have you ever dropped your dad off at the airport? I'm trying. Yeah. They come to think of it. I dropped him off like six hours early all the time.

Yeah. It's interesting. I hate being late. I hate being late. Sure. Yeah. It's interesting. Yeah. It's so funny when you realize your parents are like, you know, who they are. You're like, wait a minute. And it's funny. It's my dad be like, yeah, my best friends and all this stuff. That's always a good one. But not me. Like, I don't know. If you're the best friends, probably into the same stuff there. It's one thing to know a guy, but when it's your best friend and you're like, we always hang out, but only he does stuff. Yeah. Right. Okay. Yeah. That's pretty funny. Yeah. Your dad's a good friend though. I bet he is a good friend. My dad is a good friend. Yeah. Friend. Yeah. Yeah. For sure. Yeah. Of course. It seems like a, he's a bro. He keeps it to

the fucking self for 100 dude. Yeah. Go to the strip club. This guy reminded me a lot of you. So I wanted to bring this clip up, see if this reminds you of yourself. Whoa. Big words. No, if you don't know yet, that's a white guy that we're listening to. Yeah. Do I talk like that? It sounds like you. I think a lot of people will be like, oh my God, I thought that was Christina. Schnitzel. This dude is apparently a big producer in the mixtape game. He put out one of Naz's mixtapes and he put out, he worked on a ghost face killer, cool G rap mixtape. Let me see. Just so is J. Oh yeah. J love. Okay. So that's his name. But apparently he's really, he's real comfortable with the big words. Sounds like it. Especially

for a white guy. A lot of these DJ niggas, you know what I'm saying? They're like bandwagon niggas, you know what I'm saying? Like let's say one niggas on top. Jesus. Everybody want to follow him, you know what I'm saying? It's like niggas are scared to take chances, scared to play records, you know what I'm saying? It's like everybody got to always, you know, follow and I, you know, that ain't me, man. I've never been that. I'm a grown man. You know what I'm saying? My nuts hang, you know what I'm saying? Yeah. Yeah. White niggas. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Geez, who's saying the big words now, Tom? No, you hit the button. Everybody thinks like you can just throw a seed in the street and, you know,

we spoke some respect to you as a mixtape nigger and this and that. Oh my gosh. You know what I'm saying? Pay your dues on your stripes, man. It's not easy. This ain't overnight success, you know what I'm saying? Yeah. Hey, he's also really good at doing what I'm saying. He's kind of doing both. He's doing, yeah. And you know what's neat too about this video is the beard, the poor lighting, the beard, the audio throughout Jesus. You think his homeboy would have just flicked on any light? Yeah. J love, man. J love. A lot of big words. So DJ niggas that we put in like CDs were like 80 songs on that shit. 15 seconds put out a CD every three days. It's like, yo, you're a combo son. You know what I'm saying? But that's because niggas only sell

200, 300. So please, please, please take it for free. You know, can I, and I'm wondering this sincerely, like at what point as a white person, it sounds like there's a black guy in the room with him. If I'm not mistaken, it does sound like that. Yeah. Like how does that happen where you're given the pass? I think it's a good question. I think the answer is overtime. This dude is so deep in hip hop and specifically what seems like with New York guys, which means that he's hanging out with like real street dudes. And he probably, you know what it probably is? What I think it is. If you're a New York guy like him, you're hanging out. Yeah. A lot of black guys, but then you hang out with a lot of like Puerto Rican guys

who are like some of them technically not black and they talk like this. So then you're like, that's not a black guy. He talks like this. He gets away with it. Then if you have success with, you know, he's worked on a Nas mix tape. Looks like he's worked on a Rock Kim mix tape. He's worked on mob deep, DMX, Lord Finesse, Craig G, Master Ace, like all these guys. And if they're talking to him like that and they start, you know, making him feel like that's, you know, okay, whatever. So I think it's just over time. So what's that first time like where he drops it, you know, in front of the dudes and he's like, Oh, what? Okay. I guess I can keep going. It's probably said to him. It's spoken so heavily around him. It's like becoming fluent in a language.

Yeah. You know, yeah, if it's your culture and yeah, but yeah, I guess you're just, you're in the culture enough. It is interesting. And it is, I think it is like, yeah, when you're like really, you know, when you're learning the language, really learning it, you go to that country and you live there. And after a while, it starts to come out of you naturally, right? So he's hanging out with enough brothers that this is like an in studio street to talk exactly like this. Like he's actually sounding exactly cadence wise, like like a hip hop New York black dude. Right. Right. Put out a CD every three days. It's like, yo, you're a corn bowl, son.

Corn bowl? Corn bowl. Yeah. Like that's how like, that's like a, how a guy who's probably at this point, 40 or older talks about like, you know what I mean? Like a DJ who's 45 would be like, yo, you were a corn bowl son. Right. Right. And he just picked up on all that. It's what he was, he's all he knows is what he's surrounded. I just, I wish I could see black people's faces when he, you know what I mean? Like they could send us pictures of it as they were listening. You guys want to go ahead and send us a picture of your face as you heard this.

What are you fucking saying, bro? There's probably people right now who are like, there's no way this guy's white. He's super white too. He's like Irish pasty. Yeah. He's white. Dude. Yeah. He's, yeah. We had this conversation when I did, I did Jim and Sam, I did them this week when they were in LA, but two weeks ago in New York and, um, Jim was out, but Sam was, was hosting. We had the, uh, a little bit of the N word because there was a Fox news contributor, uh,

who, who's black in studio and about like white people being able to use it. Oh, what did he say? Her position was like, no. Negative, never negative. Yeah. Negative. Yeah. Well, maybe, you know, my position was if you're in your car alone, have at it. I've always thought that the song thing is absurd. Like to be like, you can't say it when you're singing a song.

You can say it if you're singing a song, but use common sense, right? Like it's in a song. I'm sorry. A white person can't say it. If it's like, we'll give that Jay-Z song and words in Paris when you requested it. Right. But all, my point is that you're an asshole and you know what you're doing. Right. If you're saying it out loud and like looking at a black guy, like, don't be stupid. That's obviously like, that's, you know, that to me is just common sense.

Right. You got to be selective when you're saying the N word is what you're saying. Well, I'm saying like, you know, it's in a song. So you have, you can repeat a song like no one's going to tell you. But like, is there's also just stupidity. Like if you're trying to do it to, to test whether or not you're going to get in trouble. Yeah, that's dumb. That's dumb. This is silly.

Yeah. Like you can, you sing your song when you're driving in your car. Obviously, you're going to sing it. Then, you know what I mean? Like, you're not going to get what you're going to sense to yourself in the car. Yeah. Like it's silly too. Yeah. Anyways,

This dude really is deep in it. He is. Yeah. It's just, it's his world. But this is like a, like a Truman show experiment or something. You know, like he's really deep, deep in, in like becoming a, like a hip hop DJ, but also 100% the way a black dude would do it. Yeah. He's, she's tearing that up. Yeah. We got to get, we got to get her out of there.

Hey, hey. Schnitzel. Dude, she's going to eat that. I know. Come on, man. I don't know. I don't want to kick her out because then they're just going to bark. We got to get that out of her, out of her hands, babe.

Okay. Schnitzel. Come here, Stoops. Come here. Oh my God. Yeah, but she's just going to pick something else up on the ground, you know? I can't. Okay. It's just like a, it's just a constant thing with her.

Maybe I should just crate them. I don't know. Schnitzel, come here, dumb, dumb. Yeah. This is not good. Come here, Schnitz. Come here. Come here, baby, Bitzel. You just going to hold her?

Yeah. For now, it's just going to calm us down. So you picked that stuff up? I can't. I can't reach it until I have to take off everything. Okay. She's just going to go get that. There's a million other things on the floor.

It's like an endless thing. Okay. Here is the supercut. Oh God. They love, you know what I'm saying? You know what it is? One love, nigga. You know what I'm saying?

You know what I'm saying? DJ niggas, you know what I'm saying? They're like bandwagon niggas. You know what I'm saying? You know what I'm saying? Niggas are scared to take chances. You know what I'm saying? You know what I'm saying?

You know what I'm saying? You know what I'm saying? You know what I'm saying? You know what I'm saying? You know what I'm saying? God niggas that have sell CDs for like $75 cents. You know what I'm saying? You know what I'm saying?

You know what I'm saying? You know what I'm saying? You know what I'm saying? You know what I'm saying? You know what I'm saying? I don't know man, you know what I'm saying? You know what I'm saying? Yeah, you know what I'm saying?

DJ niggas, you know what I'm saying? Niggas ain't trying to be broke, beat back in the streets. You know what I'm saying? You know what I'm saying? You know what I'm saying? You know what I'm saying? You know what I'm saying?

You know what I'm saying? And it's like, you know what I'm saying? Like whoever's the housemate at the time, you know what I'm saying? Everybody follows. You know what I'm saying? His big words distracted from how many you know what I'm saying? Yeah.

I feel like it just came into, I just came to go like, we should really be talking about as you know what I'm saying? Right. But his big words were so... Or we separate the big words. Of astounding. From the, have two supercuts.

Well. But I don't know if I want to hear the N word over. Say love, you know what I'm saying? This is a you know what I'm saying? You know what I'm saying? Just you know what I'm saying? He's a lot. I like that he said, you know what I'm saying?

Then when I don't know... You know what I'm saying? I don't know. Shit. Why doesn't my fucking caffeine thing work? I don't know boo boo. Why? I fucking downloaded it.

I've activated it. Why the fuck doesn't it work? I don't know. It's a blue band. Look at it. God damn it. Motherfucker. His facial hair was horrendous.

Yeah, it was bad. It was really bad. God, that was more distracting than the n-words. That little, that thin beard. That's terrible look. It's never a good look. That is not good for him. Especially when you've got two chins,

you got to be real careful. Yeah, you do. But you know, he's doing his thing. You know what I'm saying? It's, you know what I'm saying? It's all about the cut of the beard. Yeah. You know, like that...

He should have a thicker beard. A thicker beard. Like on below deck that captain who shaves it like, it's right here, bro. Right on the jawline. Right on the jawline. You can't do that. You got to build yourself a jawline.

Like how you do it is great. Bert's got a great beard too. You got to do it that way. You do. Yeah. If you're a big guy, you got to have a full beard. Even if you're not. I just think that beard cut is horrendous

to do it right on the chin. No good. God damn it. Speaking of interesting looks, CrazyLokes has a trailer out. Oh my God. We haven't talked about him in a long time. For what?

Doing his thing and stuff like that. I think it's, they said, it's called CrazyLokes the movie. Oh my God. Okay, let's see. You want to see it? I'm very interested. Who am I? This is crazy motherfucking loves.

No motherfucking Joe. Sapiani's no. Where I'm from? I'm from the east side of Sanjo. Sapiani to understand. Sapiani's no. In a world filled with haters. Haters won't.

Give me a break and stuff like that. Stuff like that. Most men would crumble. Interesting. You know what I'm saying? So I'll say to everybody, remember to name CrazyLokes. Don't ever fuck with him.

Push to his limits. Fuck them haters. I'm the shit. I'm the shit. There's CrazyLokes right here. Nearly broken. Yeah. Yeah, I know what this is for.

By my whole learnings. Something I should know. The best to show. The best to see. I should get it in the middle of the road. I should have been there. Whoa. This is a pretty serious film all of a sudden.

To cheat. Thanks. Push him? Yes. Yes, dude. Yes. Oh shit. He's punching the concrete.

Sky punches. Times of sky punches. Hook punches. Sky punches. The man. Wow. Check him out. He's looking good.

The myth. Looking good. Oh my god. Sky punches. So many. The legend. Yeah. Well, you're definitely right about that.

Oh shit. CrazyLokes. There he is. That's my favorite. That's how it all started. Supermarket. So many different. Whoa.

Oh my goodness. Let it kicky punches. Yeah. He's got a tan line of a wife beater. See. I bet he wears them. The lows don't keep a blank pushing. All right.

I'm hitting San Jose next year. I hope I get to meet the Lokes. I hope so too. Matter of fact, I'll make a public announcement now. I'd like to meet CrazyLokes at my San Jose show. Are you sure you ready? I don't think I'm ready, but I think I am. You should start training.

I know. I'll keep pushing. You know, if I win that Burt bet, I'll be that much better at this. So get ready. Keep pushing it. I'm a trainee. Turn it wrapping. He looks good.

He does. CrazyLokes looks good. He looks crazy. He's got a whole thing, man. Yeah. He looks good though. Speaking of good looks, we have another submission for horrible hilarious. Okay.

So we're either going to laugh or be really, really horrified. Ready? Here we go. I don't like these. Yes. I want to go home and smoke a fucking huge fucking. Oh, fuck, dude. Oh my God.

I just hit the shit out of a fucking bear. Are you serious? Oh my God. That's not cool. No. I got to get off the phone. I'll talk to you soon. Um, hilarious.

Is that what you're thinking? No. Does that look like a thing? No, that was a bummer. I don't know who would laugh at that one. Hitting an innocent bear. I think that's the point. He's trying to upset.

Jesus, man. That was a bummer. I hope that the bear seemed to be okay. It like walked it off. Yeah, he did. God. That was terrible. Imagine how resilient they are.

How big they are. I think ways how much as much as the car, at least. I don't know about that, but that's a big fucker. And he went rolling and then got up and just walked in the woods. Yeah. Oh boy. God damn. That was terrible.

All right. Well, definitely horrible. Thanks. Thank you for sending that in and horrifying us. Not really. God, I don't want to see that shit. I think I have to take care of the schnitz. She's chewing again.

Go, go, go. You vamp for a minute. You want to talk? Okay. Yeah. Go ahead. Schnitzel. Come on, guys.

The fucking schnitz. Oh my God. That was so, so bad. Please never send me an animal getting hit by a car. Send me people getting hit by a car. That's the shit I find funny. And not hit. You know what I mean?

I don't want to see someone killed. Just something with a funny reaction. You can't see a reaction when an animal gets hit. It's just sad. God damn it. All right. I've been to the Ali Museum. What am I going to do in fucking Louisville?

I'm going to find something to do on a Saturday. Yeah, any Friday? Oh good. Did you talk about what happened? About the double pipe? Yeah. No.

No. You want to tell them? Yeah. Shit. Go ahead. So last night you came home from the road and I made some vegetables, Sunday dinner, and some chicken. I was standing.

I let the dogs out. Yeah. And I burped and farted at the same time. And I go, oh my god. Oh my god. I had double pipe classic. Yeah. And you went, I only heard the burp.

But you didn't even acknowledge my hard work. Yeah. It's kind of upsetting when someone doesn't hear it. Yeah. But that's my second double pipe classic this year. Yeah. It's 501 p.m. last night. I didn't hear the fart and that's why I

didn't say much. No, I didn't. And then I used panty sleep. But what's interesting is that like I forced the burp out, but I didn't know the fart was coming. Well, that's usually how it happens. It doesn't really happen organically is what you're saying. Like usually you're pushing one.

One, right. And the other one's the surprise. You're right. Yeah. Oh my god, you're right because you're pushing. Because like it'll be like you, let's say you lean up to fart, that there happens to be a gas bubble that you don't recognize in your chest. Right.

So you go fart, but burp comes out. You're so right. Or you go to push a burp out and a fart sneaks out. Either way, it's awesome. I mean, they're both great. Now, do you realize what a revelation that is what you just said? Like you figured out the essence of the double pipe. Yeah.

And you're really what you're doing is helping people listening. You're helping them get theirs. Because we didn't really put that together that you kind of are pushing and that's why that happens. Yeah, yeah. Wow. What a neat revelation. She's that one, baby.

What a neat revelation. Wow. That's pretty cool. And we're celebrating something major tomorrow. Yeah, big time. We're going to go away for one night, stay at a hotel that we stayed at. How many years ago? We stayed at this hotel, I want to say somewhere between 10 and 12 years ago.

Isn't that crazy? Yeah. And we were just dating. Yeah. Because it's our banished morphine tomorrow. It's our banished morphine. And also we're going to the hotel that is the banished morphine of our first raw dog. Right.

Right. You, and it's funny because you bring that up constantly. I talked about it on stage this weekend about I asked the guy, a couple in the front row, I was like, do you remember the first time she told you, you don't have to wear a condom? And he goes, yes, I go, see, it's burned into our memories like a significant date. Like animals. Yeah, like a, but it's like an important, and it is, it's like for a guy, I mean, there's some, obviously everyone's been with some sketchy chicks or like, go ahead.

Right. And you just, you know, but like I'm saying when your girl you're dating, you're covered up and she's like, you don't need that anymore. That's like, whoa, that's, Well, it's a, it's a mark of intimacy. Of course. Because it means I trust that you're not banging around. Right.

That you're the only one that's going to be gawk in around this area. That's a big deal. It is a big deal. That means you're exclusive when you take that rubber off and we haven't put a rubber on since. Not, not really. Mostly not. I'm really excited. Our Banna Smurfany, you know, our Banna Smurfany, but more importantly, the raw dog.

The most important, and we're going to tell our son about it. I remember, I remember. You remember. It's the first thing when we, I was like, well, if we go there, that's the raw dog place. Oh, you knew that that was going to happen? No, no, I'm saying that that's what I remember about that place. Is it that we were raw dogs? I can remember you saying like, you don't have to wear that.

I was like, yes. I remember also, if you're a guy, just, you know, if girl ever says like, you don't need to wear one right, don't say anything. Just shut up and get in there. And accept the gift that someone's given you. But you know what I remember from that first, that was our first getaway. Yeah. And we went away for like two nights.

You remember that you were getting just plowed so hard? And I didn't make a brown for two days. Oh, because we weren't shit in front of each other yet. We hadn't started that. And I had to hold in a brown for two fucking days because I didn't go to the lobby and make it. I tried. So what happened was, is I eventually was like, I'm going to go for a walk. And then I, but then I was afraid of being away for too long and that you pick up on it,

that I was browning. Yeah. I tried going at a restaurant. We went to like. You were still like, I'm a lady. Yeah. Well, I couldn't shit because here's why the, the hotel room was set up such that whatever's happening in the bathroom, the other person can hear and smell.

It wasn't, it's not like a closed door. It was like the, um. I wonder if you'll offer the same level of courtesy on this trip. The door's open. Go down the lobby. The door's open. It's going to go see if the newspaper's here. All right.

No, dude, it's, but I tried to shit. We went out for dinner at like this Mediterranean restaurant and I'll never forget that I tried to shit during dinner, during dinner. But I was so nervous and backed up that I didn't brown. I wonder, uh, by the way, I have audio of that, that hotel when we were there 10 years ago. You're a kid. Oh, yeah. There you are.

So weird. I didn't know you recorded us. You should have said something. Yeah. Kind of wish you would have said something. I didn't know I was being recorded. Thought it'd be a nice present to bring it up all these years later. Yeah.

We, we got to, how long have we been together total? I always forget. Um, I'm going to block it out a little. I don't know. No, it's serious. All together. Yeah. It's probably.

Oh five. We started, right? Yeah. So almost 12 years. So crazy, but we've been married for, this will be our eighth. Wow. Yep. All those farts.

Can you imagine? You know how I remember it's our eighth anniversary? I count your tits in the morning. I count your farts. You've got dog tits. Shut up. Like you nursed puppies and then they grew out two, four, six, eight. You have tits where it looks like you have a couple pairs of tits tied together.

And then if you, if you pulled them apart, there'd be tits inside of them. You know what? We used to play this game before I had Ellis where we'd squeeze each other's bellies. Yeah. But it's not fair anymore because I grew a person in mine and mine's extra stretched out and my tits are extra loose and low now. It's not fair. You can't grab my stomach meat anymore.

I sure you can. It's not fair. Well, it's life. You have an unfair advantage because I made our son. Here's you from last night. I like it when he goes, I know, like he's winded from the far. It's the best. Are you just damn?

Damn. I like that one too. It's so weird. It's good. Oh my gosh. It's a nice late night. Oh my gosh. So that's neat.

We're going to check into the hotel tomorrow. We're staying for one night and we're going to raw dog it again, dog. If we don't pass out by 8 p.m. because we're so tired. I know. It's probably going to happen, right? We're going to be like. Well, I haven't had alcohol now in two weeks, so I'm really excited to have a glass of wine. Yeah.

And I'll probably eat a lot of prosciutto and cheese and pickles. And I'll probably be asleep by eight o'clock for sure. So you better get it in right when we check in, if you know what I'm saying. Oh yeah. Oh my gosh. So, god damn it. What's wrong, Jeans? I wanted to play something.

Jeans, Jeansaroni. Jeans, Jeansaroni. Thank you everybody that submitted what's it called for the master. What is it? Do they submit? Patreon. Patreon, put that shit down. Yeah.

That was a really fun episode. We just recorded a Patreon, put that down. And that was cool, man. Put that shit down. I was just looking at my nose because I had something written down on it. I forgot. That was really fun. So make sure you check it out.

Here we go. Oh, did you guys need to play? Yeah, but go ahead. No, we can play or shit. We can play or shit. Here's the thing. I wanted to play. Ladies and gentlemen, Tom Segura, master of accents.

Well, the reason I wanted to play this for you is we have such an amazing accent. And I don't know where this person is from. I don't know if you could maybe help me. Try to guess their nationality. Are you ready? Here we go. And I figured out, I said, maybe there's something for me to do more here.

So I have a reason to come back. And my first time coming to Athens, Dennis is my friend. And that's all he is, is my friend and business partner. But his mother became a very close person to me and his sister as well and his father. And Agilos, another partner of ours, and my friend Manos have really incorporated me into their life.

And when I went through hardships with my ex, I found really a good family in this people from Greece, just like I did in Turkey in a different way with refugees and such. But now it's family. So that's Lindsay Lohan. What the fuck is going on with her? That's exactly what you should be saying. What in the fuck?

What in the fuck is going on? You know who used to do something like this? A version of this? Madonna? Yes, but I'm talking about not as well known. Who? Top dog. What?

When I would have so many Peruvian relatives stay, he would start to talk to them in English the way they spoke English. Right, because he thinks that they would understand that better? Yes. So he would go, Juanito, so today you saw the zoo. It was nice. And were the people there nice to you? Kind of be like, why are you talking to him the way he speaks English?

And that's why he would talk to them like that. Yeah. So I think what happened is that she's been hanging out with these Greek people, obviously. Or it sounds to me like an Irish Guatemalan. An Irish Guatemalan. It's a hybrid between Guatemalan and Irish. Yeah, the Irish thing there.

But then it sounded to me, the more I listened to it, it sounded to me like it was maybe a lot of time with the Greeks. And that the Greeks who speak English have that affectation. And I'm trying to think of what the Greek accent, because I've been there. Or it would sound like Latin, but I'm saying like it's her diffused version of that. It's weird. So weird. So when people are scared of refugees and everything in the world,

there's a minimum. There's a line. A line? Where we can make happiness and provide every situation that is bad and make it good. And whereas in the past, I've been associated with loving and I said, why not do my own and make it a good place? Yeah, it sounds Irish. It does kind of.

But then like good purpose. I think, but she also is speaking in like broken, rudimentary though. Yeah. English, which is like if right, right, right. If she hung out with, let's say like, maybe hanging out with some or like, but some exotic, like high society Greek lady who doesn't speak 100% English. She's like, I hung out and, you know, with my. I will say there's something important that people don't recognize.

What's that? Throughout a good night life, we can have fun tonight. But tomorrow, when you, if you Google it, you look at it between Germany, all of the UN nations, the five, the Bible, speaking English is so weird. She's speaking English like she doesn't really speak fucking English. It's like the foreign accent syndrome people. They would also lose the ability to speak grammatically correct English. This is so bizarre.

She's got to be hanging out with some old Greek billionaires or whatever. I think so. Who doesn't speak. Greece has welcomed so many refugees from Syria. Okay. She's so fucking weird, man. Yeah, she is. Remember when Madonna did that when she first moved to England?

Oh, she was really bad. It was insufferable. You know, and moving to England and we're like, shut up. You're from Michigan, from like Michigan. She's not from London town. This is a Madonna evolution of her accent. Oh, so you're the witch's husband. Where's my stuff?

When I'm going on tour or if I'm doing a movie, I collaborate with whoever the closest I know is, but I mean, what I'm gonna write down is just something I've bought a lingerie store. She falls in love with Dick Tracy who? 1990 here. Who wants big boy, her boyfriend. Still normal, right? Yeah, she's American.

She's kind of torn between being a good girl and a bad girl. Is extremely passionate about it. I knew that it was a chance for me. 1996. As an actress and a singer to do things I've never done before and to push myself and to grow. That's the important thing that I've learned is that music's too high. Yeah, 97. I'm looking for a place to live in London, but only because I go there so much.

I work there so much. 2000. I can't find a thing in hotels. Because art has nothing to do with money and everything to do with love. 2001. And like love, it can be inspiring, inexplicable, provocative, and sometimes infuriating. Religion is synonymous with not asking questions. And what I call religious thinking is robotic thinking.

I'm almost a hundred percent. I've got a little bit of a crack still in my scapula and in one of my ribs. So no one should hurt me tight. I'm a detail-oriented person and I like to have things my way. But I can assure you that I don't often have things my way. Often. The best thing for your bum is dancing. I gotta say, it's not as dramatic as I remember it being.

She was a little, she was worse. Yeah. Why worse? I don't think these clips are that. I don't think they're indicative of how far she went into being English. Yeah. But I totally think you can pick that up. Like, you know, when I lived in England, when I came back, I picked up some stuff.

Just because of all your hearing is that stuff. Yeah. And then you come back and you're like... Speaking of accents, remember this one last week, right? We got out here early morning. Look at the, look at the metal. This is why this is why we're up here. We've been slipping along this big, huge metal, big, long, tall metal.

We've been slipping along here. Just glassing. Just glassing. Glassing. And all of a sudden, literally, I didn't even have, I didn't even put my head net on. I'm like, oh, we're just glassing these big, huge metals. I love them.

Glassing. Just glassing, bro. We're just glassing. Just glassing the metal. We were out there. We were just glassing. Just glassing the metal. He's so stoked.

I know, he's so stoked. I just want to be excited about anything in my life as this guy. Right? Yeah. Wouldn't you just give anything to be this excited? Oh my God. About any, like at his age as an adult? Yeah.

It's pretty cool. Well, the glass and so there was this thing said last week. Just glass. You, you were. I said he was Canadian. He's not. Oh, fuck off. What is he?

He's from Colorado. It's the same. It's very similar, geographically. We've been slipping along here. Just glassing. Just glassing. We're just glassing. Let's go.

Not even a little bit. 01:09:28,920 --> 01:09:29,480 Let's glass. I'm glassing. I'm like, no, just glass. I was surprised that you said that. I would say, I would say, well, how do we know that? Wait a minute.

Now, how do you know he's from Denver? Because they found who he was. His name is like Todd. Okay. He's known. He's known a hundred. So some of the listeners found him and maybe he spent time in Canada, just like Madonna or Lindsay.

There's not even anything Canadian about his accent, though. Sounds, sounds good to me, guys. Look, I know you're the master, but I'm the mistress of accents. And I, I hear Canadian. Well, this person says dear mommy P and water champ. Just glassing. I was stunned when mommy P had the audacity to disagree with the main mommy slash master of accents.

Tommy. Okay, guys. I lived north of the wall in Canada for two years. And have a Canadian baby jeans. The just glassing guy is clearly not Canadian. His vowels aren't nearly far back enough in his mouth. He sounds exactly like Joe Rogan's friend Cameron Haynes, who's from Oregon. Turns out this guy's from Colorado, though.

Okay. Anyways, love you both. Just glass. Thank you, Josh. Glass. Just glassing. Guys, great. Anyways.

Okay. Well, I think you guys are wrong. And I'm looking forward to finding out that that guy's from Canada. He's not from Canada. As a Windsor native, a proud Windsor native. That's the thing. You should know more. I was born in Windsor, Ontario.

And then I moved to LA when I was four guys. People have been like, are you from the valley? Or are you from Canada? Well, I was born in Windsor. So you guys can suck on those nuts. Okay. Well, proud Windsor native Ontario. Yeah.

Cross from Detois. It's been a while since you've been home though, right? Classy as it gets. Yeah, I've only, I've never even seen it. Since we left, I don't know it. You don't know Windsor at all? No. You should go.

I should go. Yeah. Let's go. Let's make a trip of pilgrimage. Make a Ontario trip? Yeah. My dad showed me a picture of the apartment complex we lived in. It looks real nice.

Well, my poor immigrant parents escaped from communist Hungary with like $10 Windsor took them in. The Loving Arms of Canada, which is really nice. How rough was the complex? It didn't look like fancy. Yeah. It was sad. Fancy wasn't fancers.

No, it was hard knocks. Hard cocks. But look how far we've come. Moved on up, man. Like the Jeffersons. Yeah, man. Thanks to Canada. Thank you to Canada for taking my family in, dude.

That's what's up. Hold on. Did you hear it? No. Oh, I had to pee at the same time. It looks like you're flexible. You're about to shit. What does it mean?

You better get your life. I do not know what this means. You don't know what that means? I have no idea. Get your life. It's like, get it together. You better get your life. Yeah.

So next time, you know, you're when you do your show and somebody is just like really out of pocket. Okay. Out of pocket. Get your life. Okay. Nobody believes your story. You get your life.

He said, get your life. Get your life. Get your life. No, I'm not eating that. Get your life. And get you some wheeled cow's milk. Because this is not the business. Hey, Mar.

I love it. She said out of pocket. That's a new one too. Somebody's out of pocket. It sounds like that's not new. I've never heard that. Oh, I have for about 25 years. You're kidding.

No. Where have I been? In white America. Christ square. I think it's funny that what she was trying to explain this square, uh, get your life. And then she was, was someone's out of pocket. And the lady was like, I don't buy it.

I've had a few guests that were out of pocket. That's how I would have reacted though. Yeah. Of course. 01:13:16,440 --> 01:13:17,000 You know what I'm saying? You a corn ball. You know what I'm saying?

I'm such a corn ball. You know what I'm saying? I don't know this shit. Like 80 tracks. They like 10 seconds. Because they only move like 200, 300. But listen. Get your life.

We do have a gift for you. Oh, you do have a gift for us. We do have a gift for you. For our baby coming. You better get your wife. Oh, is she pregnant again? You better get your wife. I think Tamar is pregnant again.

Wow. I thought she was adamant that she was never going to do that again. But she's saying because you got a baby coming. I know. But wasn't she big time about like never again? Because she did not like being pregnant. I think she had a rough pregnancy. Yeah.

That's awesome. Good. I don't think she liked any aspect of it. Didn't she not like newborn aspect? None of it? Yeah. I think she had a tough time transitioning into becoming a mommy. But yeah.

Well, congrats. I didn't know. I had no idea. You better get your life. Here, I'll use the Google machine. Tamar. Google machine. Yeah.

If only there was a way to figure these things out. Tamar Braxton. We are the Braxtons and you'll see that. We are not the ordinary family. Tone and trace you to one and two and a half. And Mrs. Tamar, take you a thing or two. We're Braxton family values. Is Tamar pregnant?

Number two? Let's see. I think she is. I can't. It's hard to tell this. Apparently she lashed out at somebody. Let's see. That's weird.

It's not like Tamar. I know. She lashed out at somebody who made fun of the way her son speaks. Oh, that's not cool. Yeah. Good for her. I would too, though. She was saying that somebody said he could use speech therapy.

Oh, fuck them. Don't say shit about people's kids. Crazy. So we watched a movie last night. We seldom get through films at this house. But we watched a movie. Shark bites. Shark bites.

Yeah. What was it really called? It wasn't really called a shark bites. It's called the shallows. Shallow halos. Shallow halos. I remember when it was out because I was at I was on the road.

Sometimes that, you know, people don't know, but all we do is kill time throughout the day. And you went to the nudie bar and that was done. I went to the teddy bar and I was like, seen enough tits for the day. Well, for the flight. I've seen enough tits pre-flight. So what now?

No, but I remember the kid at the theater, the box office kid, was like trying to sell me on it. He was like, no, I saw it. It's really good. Shark bites. I'll say this. It was entertaining. I loved it.

I mean, look, I wouldn't say you loved it because I sat next to you. And I liked it. Listen, I was very critical. You're like, what? You were so critical of her behavior because I was like, number one, you don't surf alone. Everyone knows that number two is critical of her dumbiness. That was the premise of the film though, man.

Is her being a dummy? You were like, you were like Tamar at the movies. You're like, uh-uh girl. No. I was like, Jesus. And you're like, oh yeah, like that would happen. Oh yeah, like that shark would do that. That's what that was you last night.

You didn't even realize it. Well, I look for truth, Tom. I'm a truth seeker. You're a real truth seeker. You're like, pshh. But Blake Lively, that's her name. And she's this hideous troll of a blonde girl. And her tits were in the movie too.

Really gross body, gross face. I mean, what a bummer though, the whole movie. She's on a rock with her leg cut open. Could you imagine filming that fucking nightmare of a movie or wet and cold all day every day? What a nightmare for her. But she did a great job. And the shark bites, the shark took a bite out of her

and then she had to figure out how to escape shark bites. Yeah. It was scary. That's right. It was, um, it was real scary. And she was in Mexico too. So she, you know, another country. There's shark bites.

There it is. Yeah. There it is. She got her, I think she got her titties done. There's the movie right there. There's the whole thing. It totally was. There was some gross shit.

Um, some of the shots were like, oh my fucking god. Pretty gnarly. Yeah. Um, but yeah, her body's terrible. You know, her lips got real chapped because she was in the sun and she stopped being attractive. But I wanted to turn it off for like few scenes. Yeah.

I was like, man, let's turn it off. But then I feel like she found some chapstick in that buoy because then her lips got smoothed out. Yeah, smoothed out. Yeah. Yeah. The shark was real hungry. He never satisfied.

He never, he hung out for like two days with her dude. Yeah. But it was, it was a fun movie. I mean, it was fun. For, there's times I've killed, you know, time 90 minutes, two hours, and you're like, this fucking sucked. It wasn't like that. It wasn't a great movie, but it was entertaining.

It was Shark Bites. Yeah. Like there's only so much shit that's going to happen. Either the shark gets her or it doesn't end a story, you know. Yeah. And it's an entertaining film. We found one flaw in the film. Oh yeah.

And this bothers me because I've, I've pointed it out to you in other films. Primarily the Matt Damon. The Martian. The Martian movie where he's there for a long time. Right. So here she is. And the premise of the film, I mean, I think it's in the trailer. Okay.

It's that she gets stuck at sea. Shark Bites. Yeah. There's a shark looking for shark bites. And anyways, she's stuck on this rock. First a whole day. She's surfing and then she gets bitten. That's the premise.

Yeah. She's a whole day fucking goes by. Yeah. She doesn't masturbate once. Right. Right. Then day two comes. She's cold.

She's bored. She's tired. She's bleeding. She's in pain. Right. Doesn't masturbate again. That's so true. And then you're like, I'm basically saying that the hole is too big in this film.

Right. It's a major premise flaw. Major premise flaw. Like she doesn't have any pornography to look at. And she's not like, oh, I want to make myself feel good. Like if I was like, I want to feel good. 01:19:34,360 --> 01:19:37,240 And I was basically about to dismiss this entire film.

Right. And I don't mean to be a spoiler here. But look, in the end of the film, when she gets on land, she masturbates when she gets to land. I didn't think so. Yeah. Well, there was a gang, the gang bang scene where the guy's like, hey, you're weak, lay down, but open your mouth.

Yeah. And then my son and I are going to make sex with you. Right. I remember that. But I thought right after that, they were like, she goes, I didn't get off. And they're like, I don't care. And then she masturbated. Oh, I missed that.

Because the Martian, I tried to have Tom Papa ask, because he's friends with Matt Damon, about whether or not that was a conversation. He didn't get back to me. He didn't. No. That did bother me about the Martian too. Yeah.

What bothered me about this one is it was two full days and she didn't make a bowel movement. Where's the scene? She doesn't shit off the rock. Yeah. Show me that. She doesn't masturbate. Neither one really adds up.

Those are the holes I see in the film. The Martian is like, you can't even defend that. They're like, they're either like texting him via the satellites. Like, is there anything we can send you? Yeah. There anything you want? Like he wouldn't even ask. Send me a picture of your tits or like, I'm so hard.

I'm so backed up. Like it never comes up. And he was on the island, on the planet for a long time. Really long time. And he figured out how to grow food, but he couldn't figure out how to download porn. Yeah. Yeah, right.

That didn't make sense. Yeah, right. Big flaw. Yeah. Like you wouldn't be like, oh my god. Because he figured out food. So once he knows he's got food. Yeah.

And he's got life. He knows he's going to live. You'd be like, oh, your basic needs are covered. Your basic needs are water, food and masturbation. And like she's on that rock. She's not going to, like she knows like, I'm on the rock. He's not going to get me. I'm cold.

Yeah. I wish I felt good. What could make me feel good right now? Right. Oh, I could just flick my bean for a few minutes. Or water, but probably masturbating before water is a priority. Like if you were on that rock, your priority list would probably be one, masturbate, two.

God, probably you probably want to. Shave. Consume it. Three, you could masturbate in your own mouth. Is that what you're saying? Yeah, because you'd be hungry too. And so you have protein. They should have showed that on the Martian.

They should have shown that on the Martian. Your version is so gross, though. What's the proper way? She doesn't have a cup. Wait a minute. She wouldn't have semen. That's Matt Damon. Right.

That's what I'm talking about. Yeah. So he should have just come into his own mouth is what you're saying. He should have. Yeah. Of course he should have. Cut down. That's a lot of fucking coffee.

I've really been. Sorry, go ahead. No, I was just saying that I've been really enjoying your photograph of you wearing your perfect smile. Yeah. Feneers. A lot of people are. This is really fun.

But you look really good in them. I don't know what the secret is, but they really fit in your mouth. I feel like the perfect smile doesn't entirely fit my mouth. But for you, it was like Taylor made. Yeah. What do you think the secret is? Is it because your gum color matches the red of the perfect smile? I don't know why, but I feel like he looked at that.

That does look perfect. That perfect smile is perfect. I feel like it's just mouth size. It's just real nice for me. You look so third world with yours. I just look like a guy with a cool smile. That's a thing. You actually do.

It looks okay. You look dead. I do look dead, huh? Like a cadaver. You know who you look like? The old man in poltergeist who would sing, God is in his holy temple. Or just any old person because they always have fake teeth.

Wait, okay. Can I do it? Yeah. Don't put it in your mouth. You always do that wrong. No, no. You just put it in your lips. You always go too far in.

Yeah. There you go. Now it looks like it's your teeth. I can't do that laughing when I lick it either. I know. So silly. I can't have the perfect smile with you in my life. Um, you know, there was huge news.

I probably got teed up by this for this, like a hundred thousand times last week. Teed up. Yeah. Like people reached out to me so much last week. Oh my God. I know. I heard too.

That, um, I've been, I've been loving Russia for life. Stephen Segal is now a citizen of Russia. Fucking defector. Vladimir Putin himself named him a citizen. And Segal has been a really big proponent of better relations with Russia for years now. The last time I asked the CIA to provide me with people and answers, they gave me people and answers

that answered my questions the way they wanted it to be answered, meaning the CIA. And the same with the State Department. Dana knew that I knew the right people in Russia and he knew that I would get them to tell him the truth. And we all feel, Dana and I feel that Russia and America have never fought each other in a war. We believe that Russia and America should be best friends.

Okay. Yeah. But he also believes that I. Yeah. Anyways. Go enjoy it. Enjoy Russia. Comrade.

Comrade Segal. Yeah. It's now official. Go ahead. If you love it so much, fucking stay there. You know, I've been drinking vodka. Don't come back. I've been drinking vodka for like 63 years.

Right. And, uh, I've been, I haven't eaten Russian before. Herogies. I haven't eaten pierogies for like, 64 years now. Yeah. Enjoy it. Enjoy your, your, your Russian, uh, winter and, uh.

Well, speaking of the Burt Chrysler of action films. Scumbag. Nothing. I got a, uh, another treat for you. A new Segal trailer. Another movie. You gotta be kidding me. CIA trained.

CIA trained. This is the new Segal trailer. If you don't know, there is nothing better than of the 12 or so films that Segal releases a year. That, uh, are in the eight to $12,000 budget range. The trailers are even better if it can be imagined than the film. It's a two minute trailer. Wow.

That looks so real with 238 innocent people on board. Who is the target? So I guess you're back. Islamic extremists. These guys are attempting to form a whole new line. Here's the deal. I get to wear my orange shades and I get to show up at any weight I choose. Okay.

And my kimono. What is he wearing? His gi. You gotta spend at least 10 grand on this movie. All right. All right. All right. All right.

All right. Cartel's not pretty to me. It's gotta be actors that nobody knows. Nobody. There's someone to be reckoned with. A covert mission. A covert mission. And my cousin's gotta do the narration on the trailer.

I want my own gear. I've never even seen a film like this. This is amazing. I need a jet. An elite team. You must be John Harmon. Might have a child for you. What do you propose we do?

We interview him. Wow. If we like him, we give him a box of chocolates. If we don't, we kill him. What's going on? Why is he whispering all of his lines in this film? Oh, you don't know? He's whispering all of his lines.

Steven's been doing that for a while now. You didn't know that? He's so lazy. He's whispering his dialogue now. Yeah. He's been, it's sort of like the school he comes from, you know. Acting? The whisper school?

01:27:53,800 --> 01:27:54,760 The whisper school. No, I don't know. The squint school. I mean, there's things about him. A lot of people don't know. I mean, I am the king of improv, if you'll forgive my saying so. I am.

I am the king. I mean, I think people would go, wow, if Will Ferrell said that. Yeah. But Steven said it. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Listen to our cart down, holding a big meeting.

It's my job to stop them. At the elevators, eight to four. Got you. From eight to six. On my count. Three, two, one. Game on. A global threat.

The bear is on the move. There's a yellow car. Look him now. No, boys. I just can't let you come into America. You know, you don't see a lot of body shots, right? No, it's just a, and it's dark. It's like shoulders.

Yeah. But it's especially, I'm saying the whole film is shot by candlelight because he looks. He got to be 285 to 900. At least. At least, yeah. Do you know that you're threatened too much? Well, that's kind of how we do. I don't understand what the fuck is going on.

You understand what's happening? No, I mean, yes. If there was, you're back and he goes, I need my own team and my own gear and he's jet. And then there's just shaky punch. So they went with that new, hey, this guy used to be really well known. He's back. I don't speak, especially play. Oh, you're my partner, man.

They don't think it does so many U.S. city in seconds. You think that director ever says, could you emote something? Could you, because you know what's so funny? He goes, the face says this. And he also does the thing where he basically doesn't really stay in line with much inflection. Well, what I was just thinking to myself is, what does he bring to the table? Because he's not active anymore. He's not kicking punching.

He's certainly phoning in the acting. I think they know there's enough of a market. He's a big enough name where there's enough people out there that are willing to pay something to see these films. Four dollars. It's not your moviegoer of today, somebody who's like, it's probably a lot of, yeah, it's people here who are, you know, a few like old action, but then in other countries where he's still a big deal.

Right. I think. My stepdad, my Indian stepdad liked his movies. Of course. So my stepdad probably would watch this. If your stepdad came to the country a few years later, he would have made his name Stephen. Right. It's true.

Yeah. True. True. Because they had the same hair. They're the same. They did. Oh, that's probably how my stepdad knew to dye his hair nice and easy black. Because this is a real nice and easy job.

This is such a nice and easy job. Yeah. This is a little bit more budget than the Well, I mean, it has a little more. It has kicky punching, but yeah, a lot of editing. Okay. Well, he's no longer American to me. So this is a.

I can't believe he accepted Russian citizenship. That's so, it's so gross. God. Go live there. Go live with the group. It really is like his sixth film of the year, which is incredible. Yeah, he's like the Woody Allen of the action world. Yeah.

Perfect smile. Perfect smile. Yeah, he's a he's a really he's really a fucking not a cool guy. But anyways, I'm just not a fan. Let me give you the move to North Korea. Why don't you the commies? Check this out. It's like America's enemy as a PSA.

Kids have bundles of energy, but they need the rights next to keep them going. That's why I give my kids. Pretty birds. So that was preventing trips around your home can be as easy as tidying up toys. That was pretty good. That was pretty funny.

That was horrifying. Why? That part? Yeah, I don't like that bit. Jesus Christ. I don't want to see it again. That was horrible. Preventing trips around your home.

Oh my God. Can be as easy as tidying up toys. This is a good one for us. No shit. Our whole world is toy city. Great. Well, thanks for sending that in. A couple of big reminders before we leave you.

That was terrible. Do you want? Oh, let's remind people. Bert Kreischer, the machine, premieres November 11th at 10 p.m. on Showtime. On demand the next day. Me, your main mommy. I'm in Louisville, Kentucky this weekend.

The new water champ shirt is on sale now. Get it for Christmas for your loved ones. Yeah. Go to the store. You can go to tomscure.com. Click on the store, yourmomshousepodcast.com. Click on the store, 1,000 Ranch.com. Amazon, please do your Christmas shopping using our banner,

yourmomshousepodcast.com. Click on the banner at the bottom of the homepage. Your shopping is normally there. All right. We have two. Oh, this hurts my brain. Does this ever smash down on your skull and make it hurt? I think that's too tight.

Yeah, it hurts me. Yeah, it's not good. Shouldn't smash on your brain. This is a song, a closing song by DJ Boy Butter. It's called Retarded Kristianza. Thank you, Boy Butter. I like that. Yeah, well, I've not heard it, so let's hear it.

Boy, I'm here with you. Thanks for listening, and we'll see you next week. Bye, jeans. Bye, mommy. I like that. And when you're Puerto Rican, you're just Puerto Rican. What's in poo? Look, I've always wanted to kind of pick it apart.

Hey, you guys. I will make a shit. And you're like, this counts as exercise. It's like getting masturbated by a child, right? And I met my cousin on the airplane. I said, how am I connected? How much my show? I had a baby.

The mother of your baby with your retarded tits, shooting retarded milk into him, giving him retard juice every day. Retard a baby, my baby. I'm going to comedy stall tonight. Thank you, sir.