Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura - 371-Your Mom's House with Christina Pazsitzky and Tom Segura

Episode Date: November 23, 2016

Would you marry your mom? Really. That's so cool, cause like, me too. Kiss her for real.  The Mommies moved this week and with a lot of help came a lot of stranger dumps. So many.  Plus a really massive, fat lady will let you pay to watch her be gross. Master of Accents, Pup Play and a lot more. As always, Bert is so fat and it's being celebrated all over the world. 

Are you ready to start the show, Jeans? Yes. Let's start. I'm your mom and you're my son. And I am falling in love with him. He said, are you really? I said, yes, I am. He said, you know what?

I was scared to let you know too. I am too. We're both consenting adults. If it comes down to it, you know, it's just like the gays. They're, you know, as long as they're over 18, everything's fine. This is the big guy. Who is Randy?

Don't bring anyone loving to this. Your mom in the fucking stand. Welcome, welcome. Welcome to your mom's house. With Don Segura, talk to my sister. Christina Pajitzi, Chris Pajitzi. Welcome to your mom's house. Yeah, amazing, right?

That clip I saw on Facebook yesterday and I almost had a fucking coronary. I thought it was so funny. Yeah, you called the blue band right away. Right away. You got to add this. I go, that's the new opener for tomorrow because that was the craziest shit I've ever heard.

Yeah. What's, can we hear it again? Yes, of course, of course. I feel like I really need to get into it. There's so much amazing about that clip. It's so unbelievable. Yeah. By the way, oh, this is what I wanted to say.

Don't fucking, don't fucking break my balls. Fucking. Because I know that someone right now is breaking my balls because there's no video today. Well, you listen. You Jew motherfucker, you know. First of all, guys, we barely had our lives together enough to do today's episode.

Yeah. This has been a massive move and Tom. Oh my God. Left town, the day, we had one day here and then you left town and I've been along with the baby and workers, workers coming in and out. We have everything's chaos. We've got electricians and handymen and baby people.

There's a guy right now doing shit in the house, like. All kinds of stuff. And I know some people are like, dude, I fucking, I like to watch it and you're fucking up my thing. Well, look, it's chaos right now. So you guys are probably like, well, good luck to you then. Well, you know, we're like, you have a good motherfucking night. You have a good fucking night then, OK?

Yeah, guys, listen, it's a miracle that we pulled together audio tonight. So sorry, we're going to have to. No, and look, it's chaos in here right now. There's, we did this like a, this is a makeshift studio right now. There's cords laying on top of stuff. Like this isn't set up.

So no, I'm looking at just everything splattered everywhere. Yeah, it's bad. Yeah, it's not. And not, not healthy. This is a level eight hoarders, right? Yeah, this is not good. What's the highest on the hoarding? I think five.

This is a five. Yeah. There's pathways, which is a good sign. Yeah, you saw pathways. I mean, there's, there's fecal matter everywhere, which is bad in buckets. My friend Matt told me, he's like, you know, once you have the fecal matter.

Is that when you're at a five? Oh yeah. Is that what pushes you to the last? And no, no pathways. Like you said, you can't have. No, wait, sorry. So if you still have pathways, you're like a three. Yeah.

I mean, you're somewhere on that, you know, you're below. You like that. So we're at a three. I think it's so hilarious that there's like call, because I know that guy Matt, what is it? What's his, his website? It's like five steps or something. Yeah, I forget, man.

But that's what, that's what he, he classifies people as the hoarder levels. Like if you got dead animals, you're definitely like a five plus feces and buckets, you're five. You want to hear the, the. Yeah, of course. Of course. I live for this kind of shit.

I love psychological things like this. This is so peculiar. Well, this says, this is for, for fire service. They, they, they watch, it's a fire service hoarding scale. So level one is the start. Most of the homes we see are at this level. You encounter large amounts of materials to find normal clutter, apparent signs of insects, some apparent signs of insects and rodents.

Clutter and at a level one, all doors, windows and hallways are accessible. We're not even, we're, well, our, our doorways are not that accessible right now. And windows might be a level two, level two is a hoarder home that the amount of overall clutter has begun to appear. This is the point where you would consider the amount of belongings to be over and above a normal level. Okay. Trash cans are overflowing.

One or more exits are blocked. Housekeeping is at a minimal level. Yeah. At level two, the piles of belongings may be at or above waste level. Oh my God. Oh my God. Windows are starting to be unusable as piles to continue to get larger. Level three, quote, big problems begin.

The amount of belongings have taken control of the house, making the rooms unusable for the occupants. Oh, boy. Serious hazard for firefighters. Yeah. The goat paths become the only access, a usable space. The goat, like the animal. Yeah.

I guess cause they're so narrow. Right. Goats can climb up mountains on narrow trails. Level three, the clutter may be visible from the exterior. Oof. Yeah. And you're fucked. Stairwells are mostly blocked from belong with belongings.

It's just a narrow path. Number level four is also the beginning of the end. Uh, the beginning of the end of the unusable areas of the home starts in level four. Most of the rooms are unusable, hoarded space levels. Uh, the piles of belongings will be at the ceiling. We're there. All windows are covered.

I think we're a four. Are we at four? God. Added spaces are full. Yeah. Oh boy. Yeah. Out all cabinets are full, even under the floor spaces.

And level five is uninhabitable, unable to enter. There's obvious structural damage, broken walls, men. Does it talk about the feces and the dead animals or no? No. Cause this is like, that was what I read you was for firefighters. Oh, so they, they do that. They don't get the fun stuff. Yeah.

Roaches and. Oh, he's clutter cleaner. What's that was? Clutter cleaner. Yeah. Oh, this is a different, this is a different one. So this one, level five is, um, according to this, animals at risk, and danger, uh, pervasive spiders, roaches, mice, rats, squirrels.

Yeah. Key living spaces are not usable. Um, uh-huh. Toilets, sinks and tubs are not functioning. Human urine, urine and excrement is present. Rotting food, cans or jars are expired. Oh boy. Yeah.

Remember, remember Tommy, that episode of hard horrors where she was, she was like, well, it's not puffy. I can still eat it. Yeah. Like when the bacteria, so they would be like a, like a box of like super broth. Yeah. And this woman would be like the hoarding, cleaning lady would be like, this is a year past eight.

And she goes, well, the box isn't puffy. I can still eat it. It's not puffy. I can eat it. They're bacteria. Is it puffy yet? She would ask that. And they're like, no, not yet.

Well, don't throw that away. Shit. My favorite too is when the women had a problem collecting things like beanie babies. And then an entire bedroom would just be a floor to see like beanie babies. The tags still on like, well, I got to collect all 700. This one's a limited edition. They're so crazy. The hoarding shows really do.

It sounds like a bit, but they do make you feel good about yourself. That's why I think that's the allure. That was the, I think why they had viewers before like, I got my shit together. Of course. Of course you watch it and you go, oh, my house. There's a lot of alarming shit on that show. Yeah. One of the most alarming though was when they had a psychologist.

Do you remember that one? When the psychologist was the hoarder? Yeah. And I was like, how could you do that? I don't remember. And she was like, well, I know I treat people, but you know, everything's fine. The cobblers, children just have shoes. Incredible levels of denial.

That's really what it is. It's some kind of trauma, I think that happens and then it's unresolved. And then they turn in, they, they, yeah, and they hoard to deal with the trauma. Usually that's what happens. I don't know. Yeah. Unless some people are just nasty. Some people just so nasty.

You got to be so nasty all the time. My favorite episode of hoarders. Remember the woman that had 75 dead animal carcasses? 75. What's your favorite, huh? That was my favorite. Yeah, that sounds really. I wish there was more shows about mental illness.

I just love mental illness shows. I could watch that. Oh my God, you guys are so disgusting. Yeah, it is so foul. I can watch an entire series of people who just shit into jars and collect them. I love that. I can watch that shit all day, man. It's, it's really, really gross.

No, what are you talking about? It's just, wait, so what's our house at right now, like a three? No, we're not there, man. You got to be kidding me. It's not that bad. We're not that bad, but it's just, it's, it's still, it's chaos for not mentally ill people, you know? It makes me, it gives me so much anxiety to have boxes.

I fucking hate it so much. Yeah. Like it, just the appearance, just boxes everywhere. It gives me, I just hate it. Boxes smell too. They smell. Yeah. You just, you know that.

And like, I was my asshole smell, huh? And then there's just stuff like you're missing. Yeah. Like I've got the, uh, I've got the cup, but not the lid to the fucking, you know, like, oh boy, I'm missing, um, one of these right here for that one. It's just, and I'm never going to find that order, order a whole other piece for you. I'm missing all kinds of shit.

That's just anyways, we will be back with, um, you know, with an actual camera show next week, but well, it's Thanksgiving week too. We're going to be home. We'll be around so we can straighten things up a bit more. Definitely. But, uh, so boy, oh boy, you know, it was neat about moving, Tom, my favorite thing and having workers around is, um, all every, every mover that was in her home took a shit.

They did. There was real neat. Yeah. That was really special. Yeah. And what's cool is there's a point in the day where the door would be shut, but the fan would still be on. So you knew that people were just taking dumps.

Yeah, yeah, through the door, you can hear it. Yeah. Yeah. Cool. That's what you hear. It's like a stranger. A strange dude. Yeah.

And like, you know that lunchtime, I remember lunchtime came. They broke for lunch. Remember moving day? Our packing day. Right. Right. Move. There's a break for lunch and then five dudes came and shit in our tour.

You move a whole house like they had, they had, they sent like the crew, you know, so these six guys show up, moving couches and beds and just heavy shit. And then all six of them are like, I'm going to take a shit right now. All shit in your house, man. All of them. It's so gnarly. Yeah, it's been. Now, my favorite was we had a carpenter come a couple of days ago to the new house.

And the guy shook my hand. Sweet guy. Yeah. Shook my hand. Hey, I'm doing and my name is so Steve kind of do the thing. Great, great, great. Not five minutes later. Can I use your bathroom?

And I'm thinking, well, he's going to go number one. It's the morning. It's early morning. No, the guy takes a full steamer. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You can hear it.

I can hear it. I could smell it and he used the bathroom by the kitchen. I'm cooking for my son. I'm eating breakfast and this carpenter is taking a shit in my bathroom. Yeah, that's pretty great. Thank you. But why save it for my house? That was a first call in the morning.

He was a cool guy though. You think he wanted to pull over to Starbucks and maybe shit somewhere else, but he brought it to my house. I think I just saw what he did to this too. I think he gave me a modification hole there for this. Oh, what I was looking for. I'm excited. I'm so excited to show this to people when we have it set up.

Dude, you guys are going to shit when you see the studio. Yeah. It's a professional studio. It's nuts. It is, but we'll give you a tour. I want to do this as a like a Patreon bonus or just a bonus. No, we'll just put it up, man. Yeah.

You guys to see the quality of the studio is bananas. It's soundproofed. It's got like velvet on the walls, sound paneling, just beyond anything. Um, a number of like major motion pictures were scored in this room. Right. And we have a couch here that the original owner left behind that like Dr. Dre sat on and all these crazy directors and I was a composer for films. Yeah.

So it's a cool. It's a great studio. I can't wait for y'all to see it next week. Hopefully I'm your mom and you're my son. And I, if I fall in love with him, he said, are you really? I said, yes, I am. He's saying, you know what? I was scared to let you know, too.

I am, too. Both consenting adults, if if it comes down to it, you know, it's just like the gaze, they're, they're, you know, as long as they're over 18, everything's fine. Just like the gaze. It is just like the gaze incest is just like the gaze. Man, it's just like the gaze. Do you think it's just like the gaze? Yeah.

So let's set this up. These two dum-dums, they have that real dumb way of speaking, too. Yeah. Like she's like, he, you know, he's. I'm your mom and you're my son and I am falling in love with him. So I guess the story is this fucking lunatic woman gave this guy this kid up for adoption. Oh, cool.

Mom. And then they were reunited 20 years later. Yeah. And then they fell in love. That's what a sweet, wonderful story. What? I mean, and he talks real dumb like mom does. So you can tell that they're related.

The dumb apple. They're kissing in that photo. The dumb apple doesn't fall far from the stupid tree. Oh man. These two idiots. I mean, is there anything more repulsive? It's just like the gaze. Man.

It's so good. That's, uh, that's about 19, that's 1991 logic. I mean, are you going to marry your dog? Oh, I think people still say crazy stuff about that. Yeah, I know. It's just so dumb. Yeah. I got to tell you as a mom, as a mom.

As a mom. I'm a mother and a wife that. And I'm also in show business. The thought of falling in love with my son, it's just not on the table. Why? You have a father. What's wrong? Oh my God.

The other day when we found this clip, you're like, what would it take for you to date your dad? Yeah. I think you said I'd rather, you said something horrible. No, I'd rather be. You'd like be drowned or something. Executed. Yeah.

I would literally rather die. Yeah. A slow, horrible death. Yeah. The only way I would do it is if, is if they were like, Alice's life depends on this happening. I'd be like, absolutely. Like it's my son, but.

Yeah. No, I'd do anything for that boy. Yeah. God, marry my, date my mother. Look at this kiss. And they both have teardrop tattoos, which is kind of nice. Pretty sure. Would you French her mom?

And I was like, I love my mom. And she was like, I love you too. And like, and then we kissed. Huh. Huh. Here we go. And I'm like, I think I'm falling in love with you. Ask them, will you ever date your mom?

And he said, will you date your son? I said, all in truth. Yes, I would. Because 19 years, you're the best thing that ever happened to me. And I really want to be with you the rest of my life. I'm going to throw up. How can we talk so dumb? What?

Why come you talk dumb? But wait, for 19 years, it's the best thing that happened. Or why'd you give him up for adoption then? Well, I don't know. I mean. God, she's all kinds of fucked up. She asked him that ever important question. Ask them, will you ever date your mom?

You fucking dummy. No, no, I asked him. I asked him. I asked him. I asked him, will you ever date your mom? And he was like, he's like, yeah. I was like, all right, me too. I was all, I was all like, yeah.

And then he's all like, yeah. And then we were all like, yeah. Yeah. And then we kissed. Ask them, will you ever date your mom? And he said, will you date your son? I said, all in truth. Yes, I would.

All in truth. Because 19 years, you're the best thing that ever happened to me. And I really want to be with you the rest of my life. Yeah, dummy. It's called having a child, you dumb fuck. How could you imagine banging your, it's just so gross. Of course not. That little boy grows inside of you.

You push him out of your, your meow. And then, you know, sex with one of your parents. It's just like the gaze. The first approach was actually me. What happened was we were, we were hanging out. And, you know, just talking, you know, just laughing. And I looked at her and she looked at me and I just, I kissed her. Oh my God.

There's a real kiss. There's a real kiss. There's a real kiss. There's a real kiss. There's a real kiss. There's a real kiss. It's just like the gaze. Yeah, yeah.

God damn it. These two, oh man. I don't know. You got to stay in school, you know. That's what you take away from this? Guys, you got to go to fucking school. You know. You got to study.

You got to learn. You got to not marry your mom. And you got to not be like the gaze. Yeah. Yeah. All that fancy book. All that fancy book learning. Seriously though.

Real talk. Good Lord. What would it take for you to date Charo? I want to fucking hit you for even asking me such a disgusting thing. Oh, oh, like, kiss her and she like, kiss my butt. So like, um, like what? I'm your mom. Would you ever consider dating your mom?

That's the question she asked him. I would like, what a beautiful courtship story too. One day I was like, would you ever date your mom? And then he was like, yeah, I want to date my mom. It was a real kiss. Here's a real kiss. Stupid fucks. Sometimes I call him Hinojito.

That means son. Once in a while he calls me mom. You know what I mean? There are cases about whether I have the right to love somebody. I sure as hell have the right to love Monica. No, it's not about whether you're the right to love somebody. You can definitely, you have the right to love your mother. Right.

Just not. I guess the courts are taking the new task. Yeah. So they're, why can't Mary, why can't they just stay in their house and not tell anybody? I don't know why they weird by yourself. Yeah. Why do you have to marry somebody legally?

Like why don't you just do your weird shit and keep it quiet? Yeah. You're not going to fight for the right to marry your mom. I don't think society is going to get on board with that one guys. Yeah. I don't think so either. Jesus. Yeah.

Just be goddamn weird at home. Right. It's like, it's like you always said, you know, you've always said, no, no, you've always said, why, why do you have to tell everyone? I'm proud to have come out as polyamorous and now I'm excited to share that I'm bisexual. Like why? You have to tell everybody. No.

Nobody needs to know. This guy was like, and then I told my parents over Thanksgiving dinner and they're like, why? Why? Let them eat stuffing. They don't need to know. 70 year old parents don't want to know who I'm Polly and I'm by I'm Polly and I'm by dad buddy.

Hey, I got to tell you something. I'm Polly and I'm by what's that? I'm Polly and I'm by like they're old. They're old and they, they don't want it. They don't care or in this case, like nobody cares. Well, it's disgusting. People care if you inform them, but no one cares if they don't know. Fuck your mom.

Well, fuck your mom with the doors closed. Yeah. Shut the blinds retard. No one cares. God, just do your weird shit on your own time. No. Don't make it a legal thing. Yeah.

Well, the things I have to marry her. Why? Well, they're dummies, baby. Yeah. They don't know how to shut the fuck up and just do what they got to do. That is just not necessary. Just don't talk about it. Just like people that fuck animals and do all this weird stuff with, you know, they,

they stay in the shadows. It's, there's some things you got to keep in the shadows. Oh my God. You guys are so disgusting. It's so gross. It is so, so, so gross. You don't want to, wait a minute. You don't want to go down on your mom.

Oh my God. Shut up from that same sweet virgin that you came out of. Really? You're, you're fucking. What about sucking on those Ted does? It's really gross. Remember when your mom used to feed you on moving on? So maybe you could drink milk again.

So I should, uh, from those low hangers, those swinging hangers. By the way, I want to thank everybody. Do you, I can't even really describe. I, you know, I've had a lot of fun on the road recently with like just being away from your family. The best part, that's the best part, but the second best part has been the shows. And I'm saying brawl, brawl, raw meat, chartlet, Fran man disco, yeah. And judo are titties.

Yeah. They've all been so fun. But my God, this weekend and fill her up. Delphia gave every show of the last year a run for its money. That's how much fun it was. The crowds were amazing. And so I just wanted to say thank you everybody for coming out to the truck. It was awesome, man.

Won't you marry him? I wish I could. I wish I could marry each and every one of you. Like you were my own mother. Now Josh Potter opened for you. Yep. And what's new with him? How's he doing?

He's great, man. I mean, same old shit. He's still in Buffalo. Barfalo. In Barfalo. He's still doing his thing. He was, he killed. Stuff like that.

He killed. What's his Twitter? Is he on Twitter? Can we give him a shout out to help out? Oh yeah. Let's see. What is Josh Potter? Josh Potter.

You love Josh Potter. He is very funny. And he's a, he's super. He's one of those dudes that's funny off stage too. Yeah. When you're just talking to him and you're like, this guy's crazy funny. Yeah. His self-deprecation.

Yeah. Super good. He's at J underscore Potter. P O T T E R. J underscore. Yeah. He's on Shred and Reagan in Buffalo in the mornings. He's really a great guy.

But like, I probably got hit up after that show. I can't tell you how many times people are asking about who he is too. So. That's wonderful. Yeah. It's really good. And he's sweet dude too. He had great sets.

And so he and Throatzilla were dating. Is that true? Well, I mean, they met. But I think it reminds me, I am going to her city later in the year. Maybe I should bring him again. That's a great idea. Maybe those two can spark up kind of a connection. Maybe a little love connection.

Did they start a connection last time? They certainly got, you know, there was a hello and a goodbye. I don't know if anything happened. I mean, I don't, you know, I don't hold his hand when we walk around. And because Josh was the one that turned us on to her Snapchat. Josh turned me on to the whole story. Josh was the one who let it be known who she is and what exactly, what was going on. The story, of course, was about, you know, her and a famous athlete.

So he told me about that story. And I was like, wait, what? And then he actually is the one who, he, uh, he's the one that, that got me thinking about which position in football has the best kept and worst kept assholes. Really? Yeah. And that's an ongoing conversation that we've had. We had it.

Yeah. We had it even this, uh, this weekend in the car with the Uber driver was like, hmm. Who do you think has the worst kept a hole? Well, you really got to understand football to have, uh, an opinion. Well, I'm just asking, can you just give me the top? Well, we basically excluded everybody, but linemen, you know, so we have our top tier grade A assholes are like the quarterback, diva, receivers. We decided are probably like just real nice assholes.

Like, we mean, ripe and very well kept clean. Oh, I'm sorry. I misunderstood. I thought you were talking about the best of the best. The best are probably wide receivers, diva, corners and quarterbacks. Why the best? Why do you think it's just, you know, the, the, they just appear to be guys that take a lot of pride and appearance.

They take care of themselves physically. They're in great phenomenal athletic shape. And, um, you know, they, they probably take care of everything, including those rosy red assholes. So that was, that's a conversation he and I had, and then it further got into, well, then what would be the worst asshole? And that's where we, we have a difference of opinion. Cause I say offensive line and he says defensive line, but it's, it's an interesting theory

that he presents. Well, may I, may I throw out something? May I throw my hat into this discussion? Sure. Sure. Have you considered, I just think that sometimes they're, they have white uniforms. Yeah. Those tight pants.

And I think that those teams would have to keep the cleanest be-holes. Oh, just cause they have white. Yes. And because I can see everything when they bend over and I'm, we got the, that widescreen TV. Yeah. I see, I can see cheeks. Yeah.

They don't wear panties. They're not wearing panties. I can see outlines of balls. Yeah. So I think you can, you, you gotta be careful cause if the chocolate smears, if you're wipe, wipe, wipe, wipe and you know, you gotta be careful. Yeah. Well, it's like,

By the way, I've had horrible dumps since like we moved in here cause we don't have our washlets installed and I've had disastrous bowel movements and I've had to shit to shower here. Well, it's like, really? Have you really? Yeah. Because I don't have a washlet. The bidet is not here yet and it's terrible.

Yeah. The wash that we got to get that hooked up, that's a, that's a priority. I mean, how disgusting was it to shit on the road without a washlet? It's horrible every time. Like, do you think this guy's asshole's gross? Let me just see what's, what's this person's name? So, B.J. B.J.

And he's got a 90. I'm going to say, I wish I could see his hair situation cause I feel like, does he have dreadlocks? No. No. I feel like people with dreadlocks are extra dirty downstairs too. Yeah. That's just my bias.

Yeah. Don't you feel it way? They're like, if your head smells, then your asshole and your cooch are going to stink like that too. Could be. Could be. Maybe. I mean, I've heard people say that those are pretty bad smelling sometimes, some dreads.

What do you think this guy smells like? I think his beeholes clean. You think this guy? Wow. Christina's talking about Vince Wilfrick right now. Yeah. If you don't know who that is, you can look him up, but I think a lot of people would look at that and go, oh, that guy's asshole is a disaster.

No. And here's why. Cause his head is clean shaven and he grooms his facial hair nicely. I think he takes pride in his appearance. And here's somebody who doesn't know anything about football and you're throwing a whole wrench in the game right now. Interesting. Well, sometimes it takes a fresh perspective on an old timeless problem.

I'm wondering, let's see, who we could probably look at that might change your opinion. Right now. Let's see. Let's see, is this guy, let's say Barnes, is he, he's a, okay, he plays for the Chiefs right now. Let's see what this guy's ass, what do you think of his asshole? I think this guy's asshole smells. First of all, I think all of their assholes smell.

I don't think there's a football player alive whose butthole doesn't. Yeah. He's dirty. Yeah. Yeah. Cause he, you can tell that he doesn't care about his face. He's got a shave. Like you said, it's groomed.

You know. Yeah. But a man that maintains facial hair shape, that's a guy that cares about his appearance in general, but if you're just clean shave in, it's like, well, there's effort, but not as much effort. Okay. Okay. Let me, let me pull up.

Like you put a lot of effort into maintaining your beard. Right. That's true. And over the years, I've civilized you to care about your be-hole cleanliness and your body cleanliness, you know? Yeah. Although every now and then you do slip up and you'll fly home after a long weekend of shows not showered and then demand that I orally pleasure you and I'll be like, have

you showered in the last 24 hours or is this your swamp nuts from your fly? And then everyone makes mistakes. Yeah. Okay. Who's this guy? He's disgusting. You think so? He's disgusting.

This is Cody Wickman. No, he's a pig. What makes you say that? It looks like a real nice smile. No. That facial hair is. Bad facial hair for sure. Dirty guy facial hair.

Yeah. He's got just the chin cover. The shaggy. The one, one quarter of a goatee. It's gross. I'm nuts. I'm not. He's six, five.

He's gross. 320 pounds. He's a little boy. Six, five, 320. It's just tiny little sweet muffin. Okay. I see what you're doing. No, he's a dirt bag.

Yeah. You think so? Mm-hmm. How about? About Peyton Manning, Eli Manning, Peyton Manning, Eli Manning. Well, you know what they look like. What do you think? Eli's retired or Peyton's retired.

Peyton's retired. I love Peyton. Can I tell you that I love his commercials? I think he's so funny. Yeah. He's actually really funny. He is funny. His timing is great.

Yeah. He's a funny dude. No, those guys are clean. I think Greg's clean. You think Greg Robinson? Yeah. Clean. Left tackle for our Los Angeles Rams, six, five, three, 32.

It's sweaty, but he works hard at maintaining his. Really? Why? What are you just? You know, they live in this city. We probably can get some of these guys in here. And get their official perspective. Yeah.

What a neat idea. What's up with your asshole? And who's got the dirtiest asshole in the LA Rams? Well, that's, I mean, come on, it's going to take us a while to figure out, but I don't know. If someone's listening and you're in the LA Rams. Well, look, I just showed you a couple of offensive guys. You said one was really gross.

Yeah. So let me give you a big, a big defensive lineman. This maybe you're not even following necessarily, but do you think this dude's ass smells bad? Hideous. So maybe. Terrible. Maybe you're on Josh's. Maybe see, cause you don't really know what the position was, but she's looking at Michael

Brockers right now. He's a mess. It's a mess. And you know why? Why? The facial hair is all a mess. But see, that's what he, look how groomed that is. No, it's not though, because it's too bushy, but see, he's not, there's a lot of attention

to that though. That doesn't just happen. It's not a good, but somebody faded that down. Yeah. But I think it needs to be made. The maintenance is not there. He doesn't. Josh's theory is that the aggression with which this position is played.

In other words, these guys are chasing after the guy with the ball. Yeah. Leads to a funkier, dirtier asshole. Interesting. You know, it's an interesting, you have to really understand football to. I know I see I'm not, I don't get the nuances, but that's what, that's part of why he thinks he's neither one of us talked about facial hair. Interesting.

Well, I'm going on aesthetics alone and my own Michael Brockers, we want to smell your asshole. Michael Brockers. I like that name. Yeah. Michael Brockers. Dirty and disgusting. I got, that guy's going to fuck you.

Michael Brockers. Oh, I think so too. Yeah. And if you don't want to, too bad. Because he is six, five, three, 26. Michael Brockers. My God. Yeah.

Michael Brockers will fucking hold you down. You realize these last five guys that showed you would make me look like a child? That's crazy. Yeah. They're meat and cheese. Oof. All meat and cheese. Big old fucks.

I think our son's going to be big like that. I don't know about like that. He's a big boy. Our son's almost a year old. He wears 18 month and up clothing. Yeah. She's a big guy. He's, yeah.

He's a big dude. Man. All right. Oh, I wanted to show you this. This came in. It's pretty great. Do you? Everybody.

His name is Bart Kreiser. Everybody say Bart Kreiser. Bart Kreiser. One more time. Everybody. Bart Kreiser. Bart Kreiser. Bart Kreiser.

Bart Kreiser. He's fat. He's fat. He's fat. He's fat. He's fat. He's fat. He's fat.

Draw a picture of fat Bart Kreiser. Love it. Isn't that fantastic? This is a Japanese class of children. This is adorable. Dude, it's not only do we have that. We also have from India. Oh my goodness.

Today's lesson is Bart Kreisler. I'm going to ask a few questions. How about you? Bart Kreisler is fat. Bart Kreisler is fat. He's like 40 kids. India. So beware.

Bart Kreisler. Bart Kreisler. He's too much. He's too much. Bart Kreisler. Bart Kreisler. He's very lazy. He's very edgy.

Bart Kreisler. Bart Kreisler. He's very edgy. He doesn't go to the gym. He doesn't go to the gym. But Bart Kreisler. But Bart Kreisler. He's very edgy.

Drinks too much beer. He drinks too much beer. But Bart Kreisler. But Bart Kreisler. He's fat. He's fat. What? That's fat.

He's fat! That's fat! For those of you who are younger, stop eating like a pig! Stop eating like a pig! They took it to another level. This might be the most impressive one. Yeah.

This is an entire class of 40. You said 40 Indian children. Yeah. Adorable little kids. They're so cute. And the teacher. The woman. This is our first female.

And she's like improvising too. Yeah. Adding all kinds of shit. So good. Oh my God. That was amazing. What's up, Gora? What's up, man?

What's up, man? What's up, man? Show me the camera. What? Wait a minute. What's up, man? What's up, man? What's up, man?

Alright, I'm Gora. Is the real water champ? I don't like it anymore. Pretty cute. I don't like it anymore. Yeah. I can't believe it. Give your genes.

Give your genes. High and high. High and high. Oh my gosh. I can't believe this. I know. This is truly an international. And this isn't like an American teaching abroad.

This is an Indian woman who, I'm assuming, listens to the show, and then this is amazing. Wow, I'm blown away. I'm blown away. Thank you for this. Yeah, so Sean sent the Indian edition, the children of Kolkata. He did it so that they don't suffer the same fate as Burnt. And then Chris wrote to us, I moved to Japan to teach English, I remember specifically that mommy Tina, aka water champion, asked for a video from Japan.

So I made one for her. I hope mommy buns, aka IBS champion will enjoy this too. That is from Chris. Let's, uh, let's see what else is in the Japanese video that Burt is being shamed in Kolkata now. Oh my God. And we've had this. How many foreign language ones have we had already?

It's countless. We've had it already. No. It's just. He's... He's... He's American. Comedian.

Comedian. Comedian. Comedian. He's the biggest celebrity in the world. Comedian. Comedian. Number one fat comedian. In America.

I love it. Oh my God. Why is he so fat? I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. Why? I don't know.

I don't know. Why? I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I'm so. stuffed with pig flesh. Yes, he goes.

So, He goes eating with... You're right. ...how to say it. He goes eating with another fat friend. His friend is fat. But he is number one fat. I love it.

I love it. He's explaining it to an adorable little Japanese child. Do you know why? I think my favorite thing is teachers with kids talking about fat personnes. Yes. One more time. Is he fat? Yes.

He's fat. One more time. Is he fat? Yes. He's fat. Very good. Very good. Thank you, Chris.

Thank you, Chris. Amazing. Amazing. Chris had the kids draw pictures of Bert. Thank you, Chris. These are fantastic. Yeah. These are wonderful pictures.

Yeah. It looks like big titties on Bert. Bert's wearing a diaper in this one. Yeah. Or it looks like Santa Claus in this one. So good. Yeah. Here's Bert.

Yeah, it's Speedo. Yeah. It's really great. Wow. I'm so impressed. I cannot believe. So here's the thing. Bert and I have a weight loss competition going now.

Right. It's really real now. Right. Just as the holidays come too. Oh my God. It's going to be tricky. So we have a new side bet going. Okay.

So the big bet is that whoever's lower has to take the other comedian, the other friend, and for some reason Ari too. Yeah. Ari get inject himself in this. He just re-zilled his way into it because he was the driving force he said behind it. So the other, the other, the loser, the guy who weighs more has to take the two other people to like some desirable event. Like a staple center event.

Yeah. And it can be in another city. So I could be like, I want to go to Super Bowl. And it's like, you got to take everybody. Okay. We have a new side bet and it made it really real. Because the thing is that's a costly endeavor. So I'd like Bert to spend that money.

Of course. So we need to slim. Me down. Yeah. I got to win. Yeah. The new side bet is that the loser. Yeah.

Has to shave his beard. Oh my gosh. Yeah. And then you can see exactly how fat the loser is. Cause there's a fat cover up. It's been a long time. I know. Both you and Bert have had beards for years.

For a while. And I was looking at this photo we have up of the us back to back here. We took this at Sears a few years ago. Yeah. Look how thin your beard was. Yeah. It doesn't look good when it's thin. I know.

Looks good bushy. Yeah. So I haven't seen your face and I don't, I can't remember. We're talking about a full shave. Yeah. Yeah. I don't remember the last time that you've done that. So I, when I, I texted him that.

I go, how much anxiety does that give you? And he's like, so, so, so much. So much. And then he sent me a picture of him at some press event like years ago without a beard. And, and I was like, oof. Terrible. Oh, well, it's just what he goes and not, and he goes and I waste so much less in this photo.

Cause I can't even picture Bert without a beard. I've, I've only ever known him with a beard. I've seen him without it a while, but you know, I'm kind of banking on a couple of things. First of all, you know, I've been working out a lot. Yeah. Your, your, your stomach is almost gone. But the other thing I'm banking on is his gluttonous lifestyle. Oh.

And it's the holidays. Oh, forget it. And guess what? December, I'm home. And he's on the road every week. Forget it. Forget it. Here's the variable that's going to mess with Bert, the party life.

Cause he's the life of the party. Yeah. When he's on the road, it's booze, booze, booze every night. Yeah. Waiting it to in the morning and then sleeping and waking up and doing it all over again. I mean, I want to win for a lot of reasons, but I also think I have that in my favor because I don't have to get to like a crazy number to win this. I think if I just get ahead and, and then, you know, just stay, stay working out.

You just have to weigh less than Bert, right? Well, to win. Yes. It could be a pound. It could be. Yes. But, you know, I think that I don't think he'll be able to dial it back. No, of course not.

During the holidays, we know that because everyone parties in the holidays, he's renovating the house. They all live in like the same room right now. He stressed out all the time. So when he is home, he wants a drink. When he's on the road, he's going to party. He wants to party. He's going to party.

Yeah. So where were you guys the last time we weighed in? Who was ahead? Who was behind? Well, it's funny. So when we weighed it, when I weighed in with him on Ari's podcast, I was 242 and he said he was 240. Bullshit.

And I go, okay. And then he, he texted me like a week later. He goes, I was lying. Of course. I was 250. So actually I haven't had a start on it. So you're already, of course you weigh less than him. But you know, a lot of people came up to me and fill her up and they were like, you know,

you're smaller than I saw you last time. I think you're going to beat Bart. I got a lot of people pulling for me on this. I mean, he's got his, you know, he has losers, like the people that are into him. So they'll be on his side. But like, you know, I think, I think, I really think if I stay, I think December is going to be a big month for me with, I'm home virtually the entire month, get on the routine, sleep properly.

You're, you're, you've got my support and that we're on the, I'm on primal. You're keto. We're there. We're, we're maintaining. Yeah. No, you're going to kick his ass, Jeans. I think so. Of course you're going to kick his ass.

And I think that. No willpower. Yeah. Those, those road days he has coming up, the thing about it is what actually happens is the booze, what happens when you drink a lot of booze, it leads to more food. Eating. Yeah. Yeah.

So I think his days are fine. It's just that when the, when he starts boozing it up, he's then going to need to fill up the stomach with. The alcohol. Yeah. And don't forget alcohol itself is, it's sugar. Oh sure. That's a lot of calories.

Yeah. You're talking, that's your daily caloric intake, how much he drinks. Oh yeah. It's birds and alcoholic. So we're doing, you know, we got a real thing going. Can I say something though? Real talk. In order for Bert to defeat you, he would have to stop drinking.

Right. In which case. Period. Yeah. He could. On the road. If that was his big, if that was his big goal, he could do it, you know. But he can't.

Because he's on the road. It's just like the gaze. He got a, you know. It's just like the gaze. Yeah. Jesus. What a couple of knuckleheads. So anyways, that's our new side.

The shave. The shave to me is way worse than the sporting event. Oh my God. Because that's just money. Yeah. But this is like, that's embarrassing. It's embarrassing. And if I were to do it, it means I would go to, I think Kansas City with a fully shaved

face. Well, the good thing for you is that your beard grows back so fast. It grows back so fast, but it would be shaved for longer than you think. Yeah. It would take to the end of the month to start looking like myself again. I wish you guys would shave your heads too. That would make me laugh. I'm going to get a haircut on Wednesday.

Oh, you're going Alan. Oh, hi, Alan. Oh, hi. Hi. Yeah, they're coming. Those balls. Okay. I can't wait for TG jeans.

TG is a lot of fun, man. I'm going to make a feast. I've decided to cook full American Thanksgiving because we haven't done it in years. Just as we wrap up weight loss talk, you're like, I'm going to make a fucking feast. I got us a smoked turkey from honey baked ham, and I got us a honey baked ham, and then I'm going to do green bean casserole, sweet potatoes. Yep. I'm going to do mac and cheese.

I'm excited. Add a pumpkin pie. One day you can fall off the wagon for one day. Yeah, you know, but you know what the funny thing is though? Don't eat the leftovers. I'll just give them to Sarah. She's coming over. The funny thing about when you start eating healthy or like sticking to something, you're

like, don't even really want to do that stuff. It's a bummer when you do. It's a total bummer. Yeah. What are you looking for? The motivation. I'm a fluff. I live in North Carolina, and I'm a web model.

Meet Nikki. Otherwise known as Ms. Fluff. I think the name is Fluff because I thought it was cute and a fluffy. How would you, what do you think her asshole smells like? Fuck, it is never clean. She weighs 700 pounds. She's a big girl. I don't know if it's seven, but I mean, it's definitely got to be close to five, I'm thinking.

It's Manuel Uribe. It's really bad. She looks like she's the couch. She's kind of, my God. How much to go down on Ms. Fluff? Oh. Okay. Here's what you rather.

Oh. You got to either, would you rather French your mom or go down on Ms. Fluff? I mean, go down on Ms. Fluff, but it's, it's not going to be nice. No way. Her legs are glued. There's like, she's got that fat person thing where she gets lesions from where the fat lives together. I know.

It's really bad. I mean, this is no way to live. This is not. It's not. That's not, that's not, she's not like overweight or, or, you know, she's, this is life threatening. I like her like, this is, this is no way to live, dad. I mean, it's, this is like, you know, a doctor would be like, we need to hospitalize you right now.

Of course. No, something's mentally wrong with this person. And she's like, I'm a web model. Oh boy. Oh, geez. My body is just round. It's got like character. My body has just chopped off my head.

And my body has its own character. You know what I'm saying? It's got lesions. And I don't believe, by the way, I don't believe that she believes now she's doing that thing. I believe that she does the sell, you know, she can sell it, but she knows she's a disaster. She's, she's turning the negative into a positive, but I don't buy it either. I just love myself like, no, you don't. There's no way you could be into being that fat.

No way, dude. Dude, would people like jerk off to this? Like dudes are like, she has a pay site. People are paying. It's so great. Is there a site where I could sell my soggy mom tits and my, my destroyed mom body? Will you shut up? Is there a, is there a hot, a soggy mom body site?

You're not a soggy mom post part of bodies. Come on. No, I am. My tits are fucking destroyed. No, they're not. Yes, they are. Why are you lying? I think you sound like you're Ms. Fluff.

I am Ms. Fluff. No, you're not. Okay. Let's go on. My favorite part of my body is my ass. Jesus fuck. And I do love my ass and I want my ass bigger. The second favorite part and the softest part of my body is my arm.

Right here. Do you see how my fingers can actually get lost in my arm? It looks like dough. She looks like the Michelin man with fatter. Her arms are the sand. Like it just kind of goes through it. Yeah, totally. Totally.

It's not good. And she likes her ass. She wants it to go bigger. Yeah. Far and. What? I don't know. Far and.

You know what she's saying? I think so. Ms. Fluff uses her super sized soft body to make cold, hard cash. Good for her. It's 15.99 for a 30 day subscription and you know, you get to see the pictures, videos and all that good stuff. I'll throw up. The weirdest request I have had was to do a farting video.

This one fan told me, he was like, I would pay you $5 a fart and I didn't respond to him. So he said, I will give you $100 if you can just make a couple farts on it. I was like, you know what, that's not really my thing. She didn't do it. This bitch has it all figured out. Here we are working for a living. He's got a fart on a webcam.

Fart. Yeah. Fart. Yeah. I can't believe this. Fart. Eh. How dare she, she did it.

She can't turn down $100 for a couple of farts. Come on, man. I would do that. I would do that. Fart. Yeah. Fart. Yeah.

Yeah. $100 for a couple of farts. Would I do it? Yeah. Yeah. Of course I would do it. We doing for free on this show. We try to fart on Mike all the time.

I had a big fart before we were rolling. We got to get those fart mics. Yeah. Get the carpet out of it. Are you making out of it? No, I was making sure that Nanny's not texting us. Maybe we'll do, I think we should do a show where we have some meal before that'll create a lot of farts.

Well, I just made some chili. I feel like, but you got to time it right. There was that Peruvian joint on the east side. We had Lomo Saltado and it would give me so many farts. Interesting. Yeah. I've never heard you say that before. Why is it?

Something about it was like, there's some type of oiliness to the way that they made it there. Yeah. Where whenever I ate it for dinner, the next morning I'd be in bed like, so maybe we need to have that one day. And brassel sprouts make me fart a lot. Oh yeah, that'll do it. But the time.

Cali wobbles. That's the issue because for me, it takes a few hours. Well, yes, the thing is we're going to have to really work on this, you know, but that's what scientists do. I mean, you know, trial and error, keep trying to get it right, don't get it wrong. It's important. It's for the listeners. For sure.

For it. Yeah. For it. Yeah. Damn, she is so fucking. She's an enormous person. Jesus Christ. She's enormous.

Good Lord. Those special poison videos. Oh, Jesus. They make good money because you can charge them a set rate or you can charge them one thing and still put it on your website. So it'll be like double the thing, but when I do special question videos, I don't really put it on my website. I kind of let it be like your private gifts to you.

You know what I mean? Do you think she's going to marry her mom soon? She talks. God. About it. It's just like the gaze. She's about as bright as the mom and son team. Open mouth.

You could dodge it. She was out of breath right there talking. I know. She's just sitting there putting on ice. Now this poor woman, I actually, I mean, she needs to go to the hospital. She needs that surgery. Yes. Let's try this puppy.

Why do you think people like to see you trying on clothes that are too small? What does it do for them? Makes the illusion of maybe even more enormous that I am. I like it too, though. I like to hear the sound. I did it. Now. She's putting a small shirt.

I did it because now the question is, how am I going to take it? Ow. But the point is, what kind of gig? The incredible haul. What kind of gig could she have? You know what I'm saying? No, she's making the best of her horrific situation. Like if she, she can't really work in an office because, you know, she's too big.

I mean, I get it, but she needs to work on staying alive. You know, she's passed the point of like, oh, if she were a couple hundred pounds less doing this site, I'd be like, oh, okay. But right now, she looks like she's going to die. Yeah, she's killing herself with food. This is not a good thing. I'm a food whore. I like expensive, nice food.

I don't like cheap food. And it's bad because I don't, I hate cheap food. Oh my God. She's eating a watermelon. She's eating a watermelon and she's topless in bed. Yeah. She's eating a watermelon. Yeah.

You don't see that all the time. But everybody likes food. You just have to be like, hey, I can't eat all the food. It's part of the illusion though, when you're fat, the denial is you go like, oh, I like food. I like it so much. It's my thing. The reason other people aren't like this is because they don't like it as much as I do.

Right, right. You just, yeah. You know what I noticed with being on this diet thing is that I would, I would make food a prize for something. Right. Like a reward. Like, oh, I had such a bad day, but I'm going to reward myself with cookies. Right.

Or like the reward can't be food. Right. It can't be the emotional outlet. Like I'm lonely. I'm just going to eat something. And that's totally what I did. Yeah. The other thing is like the mindfulness, you know, of going, of reaching for food.

But if you stop and you go, am I eating this because I'm hungry? Right. Am I eating this because I'm just trying to like fill, you know, fill this a moment. Yeah. A feeling. Nervousness. Nervousness. Yeah, anxiety.

You know, instead of smoking a cigarette, I'm going to eat this thing. Well, every smoker that quits gains weight. Always. Some of them gain incredible amounts of weight. I did. Yeah. But I've seen people put on 50, 60 pounds, 80 pounds. Mm-hmm.

Yeah. And you can see how, I'm sorry, I was just drinking water because I'm the champion. Yeah. But you can, where's your water? Interesting. The cameras aren't rolling. Yeah. But where's your water?

I'm just curious. What are you talking about? I'm looking right here. Mm-hmm. Let me hear you take a sip. Oh, you're such a faker. You're drinking your imaginary water? No, I'm drinking water.

I have water on camera right here. Sure. Okay. I forgot even when I was saying, I don't fucking know. The point is it can't be an emotional thing. No. That's the problem. Yeah.

It's with anything. Yeah. Alcohol, cigarettes, food, it's just an easy thing, you know? Yeah, it's tough. It is tough. It's hard to be vice-free. Sober, essentially. Yeah.

I mean, you know, and I, yeah, because food is an addiction thing, everything. Oh, yeah. Sex, gambling. I like chips. I like fruit. I like watermelon. Beach, everybody does. I'm a chicken freak.

I think I eat chicken a lot. No, you don't. I don't know. How much I eat chicken? You eat fried chicken. Something juicy? Something juicy? She's a fried one.

Cool. If she just had like chicken breasts, she would not be this fat. Yeah. No, of course not. No, she's eating like the buckets. Mm-hmm. You know what I'm saying? Yeah.

Fart, yeah. Oh, I wanna remember my mom. Yeah. Oh, like, and I was like, would you ever date your mom? And he's like, yeah, I would date my mom. Oh. Tom, let's do the scene, okay? I'll be your mom.

Okay. So, like, would you ever consider dating your mom? And I was like, uh, yeah. I mean, I like her. And I was like, do you like me too? Yeah. And sometimes I call you, like, my son or Juana Juito. But not all the time because you're my son, I want to make sexes with you.

And, like, I made the first move and I was like, what's up? And she was like, hey, and I gave her a kiss. It was like a real kiss. But it was like a real kiss, huh? But it's like, what's the big deal? I mean, just like the gays, you know? It's just like over 18. It's like, well, it's a big deal, you know?

It was a big deal. I love my mom. It was a real kiss. It was a real, it was a real kiss. It's just like the gays. Yeah. Far, yeah. Um.

I had a good drop sign today. Yeah, some good stuff in here. Far and. Far and. So, we got an email here. Dad accents. Hi, mommies. In episode 369, Master of Accents and Water Champion Mommie Tommy talked about how Top Dog

would speak to Peruvian family members in English the same way they would speak English. I thought you might find it interesting that my dad, a white cisgender man, does exactly the same thing with Asian people. My dad makes toys for a living. So growing up, he was in China a lot and he's traveled to many Asian countries as well as many other parts of the world. You would think a well-traveled mommy such as himself would be respectful of the cultures and dialects he was exposed to.

Well, within the last few years, he started doing this really neat thing where he speaks to Asian people at restaurants with broken English. Things like this good, right? Or food comes soon. He's also gone as far as to ask people in a Korean restaurant, what part China you from? It warms my genes to hear that the legendary Top Dog does the same thing and that our dads have something really neat in common. I hope you mommies have a stress-free move.

I'll see Tom on December 30th in Momlando Bo. Dude, that is so fucking funny. I like that. And it's so amazing. The broken English. Oh my God, it's such a fucking dad move. And he does, my dad does it like, it's so embarrassing. And he's like, Juanito, Juanito.

Because he doesn't do, he can't do any like correct Spanish. He's like, Juanito, today you enjoy the, it's very nice, no? The museum, no? And they're like, I had a good time, Uncle Tom. Yes, tomorrow maybe you like we go a very good place to eat. And they're like, okay, why are you talking to him retarded? Like he's retarded. Because that doesn't help him learn English better.

This good, right? Food comes soon. That is fucking. Such a dad move. Amazing. God damn. Boy. I gotta fucking figure out a way to incorporate this into more.

It's so fucking funny. I love that he does that. I really love it. I wish we could get a recording of your dad doing this to someone. Does he do it in restaurants too, your dad? He doesn't do that to make food. No, but if anyone, if there's another culture, especially Latin, I think it's like he's saying his dad spent a lot of time in Asian countries.

It's the foreign culture you're most comfortable with that you do it to the most. So my dad would do it probably to more Spanish speaking people. So if someone was Spanish, he would start speaking retarded English that a Spanish person would speak. And this guy does it to Asian people, which is just outstanding. This good, right? This is good. Food comes soon. I can imagine too that those people are always like, why is that guy fucking talking like that?

I imagine my cousins too were probably like, of everyone I spoke to today, only he talked to me like that. Like a retarded person. Yeah, because I never, ever was like, school fun today? No. Oh my God. Yeah, you slow it down for a foreigner, right? You speak slowly. A listener wrote this in, hey, Tom, wake up.

Dan Pena is trying to bang your wife. No, please. This is textbook billionaire evil villain behavior. Okay. Pena is trying to get Christina all up in Guthrie Castle and out of those jeans. Keep your enemies close and your jeans closer. Best of luck, a concerned fan of the show. Yeah, I wouldn't worry.

Joshua, thank you very much. I wouldn't worry. I think Dan's got a wife that he's really into. I don't think he needs to squeeze on my tits, you know what I mean? Well, thanks to the unexpected hundred or so episodes that you guys put out all at once, I decided to go back and listen to some classics. In a recent momma so, Tina claimed to have a story where she went to the dentist and they told her she had 15 cavities and so she went to another dentist.

Yeah. Where they told her that she had none. Buns looking baffle was like, hmm, yeah, that's my story. Well, thanks to some free time, I listened to episode 78 with Bill Burr and Tom told the exact same story and not a peep from Tina. Because it hadn't happened at the time that we lived with Bill Burr. You think she'd have spoken up at that time? No, that was years ago.

I don't know. Liar, 808. See something, say something, Derek. No, because I remember when Bill was in our home, that was back in Silver Lake and that's before that happened to me. Okay. All right. Well, you know, just know that the listeners are paying attention.

Okay. I know that. They are paying attention. Yeah. They are dotting their eyes. They are crossing their T's. It's just like the gaze. Okay.

So you can't get away with anything. No, I listen. They keep us both in check and I know that and I know they're very vigilant. They are. I like that. Yeah. But just for the record, it hadn't happened yet. That was a long time ago that Bill Burr was in our house.

That's true. That was a long time ago. Yeah. Burr. That was one of the early. Wilfred. That was early. Let's see here.

Here's a weight loss email. Dear Tom, number one champ forever. And Christina, number two water champ forever. Rude. Forget this email. Your bet with Burnt is an easy win for you. Money in the bank. You know what I'm saying?

You were, Christina had stated getting an unbiased scale, but I urge you to get your pal Joe Rogan to help you with the way. You'll be the only way to officially weigh in by a true professional. Keep shocking. Mommy's just watched a few minutes of Bert on Rogan's election podcast. They had to put Bert at the kids table and made him sit by himself. He, he is not 240. He is over twice the weight of Billy Burr and grapefruit Simmons combined.

I think Bert is at least 270 with an added 20 pounds of box wine and holiday weight. Well, there you go. Of course. Of course. Oh, everybody knows he's way fatter than you, Tom. Yeah. This is going to be easy peasy. Yep.

Jeans, there's a new accent, master of accents to break down. Are you interested? Yeah. I feel like you're not really the master though lately. Wow. I'm just saying. I don't feel like you're really, I don't know. Let's see.

That's really hurtful. That's really hurtful. Why would you say something like that? I just thought I'd lately it's like you've been slipping. Really? Yeah. Okay. Let's see here.

If I have this. Doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo. Master of- These jeans, are you, do you still have these? I remember these jeans that you're wearing in that photo. I might, I might. I don't know. I don't like them anymore.

Ladies and gentlemen, Tom Segura. Master of accents. Here you go. Hey y'all. I'm gonna stand up. Down here, round five. You out to lose the honor before I leave. I got a hope to vote.

Four to eight. Will it pick up truck? Wow. So he said, hey y'all, I'm, whatever his name is, down here in some part of Louisiana. Before I leave, I got a hold of, what's his name? It's 48 pickup trucks. Yeah. I got most of that.

Did you? Yeah. Well, because you lived in Ramiad. I did. I don't know anything about Sal. Hey y'all. I'm gonna stand up. Down here, round five.

You out to lose the honor before I leave. I got a hope to vote. Four to eight. Will it pick up truck? Wow. So he said, hey y'all. I'm, whatever his name is, down here in some part of Louisiana. It's 48 pickup truck.

I'm sorry. I take it all back. Hey y'all. You are the master. I'm gonna stand up. I'm gonna stand up. Down here, round five. You out to lose the honor before I leave.

I got a hope to vote. Four to eight. Will it pick up truck? Jesus Christ. Four wheel drive pickup truck. He believed this guy speaks our language. Yeah, I know. And he's American.

Look at him. Jesus. How would you describe him? Just hot. What do you think his butthole smells like? Hideous. He's healthy too. Yeah.

He's from Mangola State Prison. Oh boy. Had a special bad breath. I went to the hall of prayer and he was back and forth out in the field. So it came from Angola State Prison. Oh, you've got a transcript there. I know. You do.

Look. Well, I got to look it in the tanker and in the tanker. That's hell. I'm gonna make me a camper, motorhome. So he got it from Angola State Prison. He's got a bed on it. They used to haul like printers and shit around on it. And now he's gonna modify it to make it into a camper for himself.

I cannot. How did you understand that? Is this from spending time in the south in college? Maybe. There were some guys there that I didn't understand, but I also live with my name. That was my first roommate. Yeah. And he would talk about it.

My name. That's so I've never lived with someone that spoke like this. Angola State Prison had a special bed on it and hauled printers back and forth. It's depressing me. Hulled printers back in the field? No. Hulled something else back. I love his beer cozy.

That's a real trash thing too. He's got the camo t-shirt. Yeah. You got a can of beer and a cozy. God damn it. God damn it. He's wonderful. Well, I got.

B.J. Porter told me the funniest thing, the writer, B.J. Porter told me that his wife has it. She's also a writer. When people wear fashionable camo, she'll go, thank you for your service. That's really funny. He said he was at some elite Hollywood party and somebody there had a camo jacket on and she just looked real serious and went, thank you for your service. And then you walk by and they were like, what?

Looking and tanking and tanking. I'm going to make milk. I'm going to make milk. Motorhome cracker. Jesus Christ. Okay. You know, I don't know. I feel like I should be able to choose who gets to live.

You? Yeah. Like God? There should be. Okay. Here's the thing. Yeah. I think there should be a basic IQ test.

For living? For life. Yeah. And if you fail, you're just not on the planet or you just, we send you somewhere else. Yeah. I don't know where. Alaska. He doesn't make the cut.

This guy? He does not make the cut. We ship them to some like the Arctic tundra in Alaska. Somewhere really hard to live. And if he can survive, he gets to live. But I don't, you don't just get to live and being this dumb. Same with the incest couple. I think we give them an IQ test, ship them off to him.

Oh, they would fail without question. This guy might pass. You don't know. If he built a truck and made it into a, I mean, you never know. Yeah. I don't know. Starting off here. Got me a PTO.

Wank on the front. Ten thousand pounds. That's true. He could build stuff. Yeah. Yeah. That's true. That's true.

I take, I take, I might take it back. Now then, here's a good ingredient. That's why I call it my tractor motor home. I got. He called this an ingredient though. Here's it. That's what I think what he just said. Here's a good ingredient.

This is my tractor motor home. He said, but here's a good ingredient. Oh boy. Oh boy. Now then, here's a good ingredient. That's why I call it. Right. Right.

Right. I mean, is that an ingredient? Bro. Here's a good ingredient. Here's a good ingredient. Okay. Now then, here's a good ingredient. That's why I call it my tractor motor home.

Tractor motor. Okay. That's factory. Willie's a quick. Got a gearbox on the bike. You a bull of wood splitter. Woods out. Well.

Woods splitter. Pretty much anything. 80 and forward truck. Got a gearbox on the bike. You a bull of wood splitter. Woods out. Well. Pretty much anything.

80 and forward tractor. Wow. Anything a Ford tractor can do. Yeah. And 80 something, right? First of all, if you're listening to this and you don't live in the United States, you got to have your mind blown right now. Yeah.

I'm sorry. Can I just apologize on behalf? Well, no, because we pay, we play that. Those fucking whatever Irish gypsies and shit. And we're like, what the fuck is that? Right. Right. So this is just our version of that.

These are our gypsies. Our soccer holy gypsy. Yeah. These are fucking Roman people. I got. Jesus Christ. That's factory wheelie's equipment. That's factory wheelie's equipment.

Mike. You a bull of wood splitter. You a bull of wood splitter. Woods out. Well. Woods out. Well. Pretty much anything.

80 and forward tractor. Anything a Ford tractor can do. And 80 and forward tractor. Yeah. He's got dogs right now. Wow. Cow. Yeah.

He's got dogs right now. Yeah. He's got dogs right now. Yeah. He's got dogs right now. Wow. Cows running around. Antico-cola over there.

Antico-cola. That's kind of cool. Yeah. A cup of soda water. A cup of soda water. A cup of brad duck. Good decorace. Come here, mister.

Good, good, good. Jesus. Jesus. That's a fucking Christ. Not a smart way of sounding. Yeah. I mean. That does not sound smart.

I mean, they don't sound right. They don't sound right. Son. Get it right now. Wash your mud cat. He doesn't. Your hands. You took brush your teeth.

Wash your mud cat. He doesn't brush your teeth. All right. Now you don't got hot. You've been cutting grass all the way. Yeah. Then buzz off. Look at him.

Bit this way. There you go. Wow. So he's got a makeshift shower. It's his RV. Yeah. This is. It's his traveling shower.

His tail-building RV. Yeah. Wow. That dude is a special man. Can I tell you. I'm not convinced that making stuff is necessarily the money-saver. You know what I mean?

Yeah. I mean, it's time and energy. I took that guy to peace together. The RV. He's so happy with it though. He could have just bought it. There's no one happier than him. Yes, there is.

Just glassing. Glassing. Glassing. Glassing. Glassing. Glassing. Glassing. Glassing.

Glassing. Glassing. Glassing. Glassing. Glassing. I saw the moose. Yeah. That guy.

See, that's the sound of joy. That's true. That is glee. But this guy, he gets glassing sometimes. Yeah, he gets glasses. Glassing. Just glass. This guy's pretty happy too.

Duck date. Duck date. Duck date. Duck date. Duck date. Duck date. Duck date. Duck date.

Duck date. Duck date! So, you're making us sound bad and you're like all these brits got it all figured out, what about this shit right here? Okay. Okay pups, we've had a bit of a rest. Time now for some training. What's involved in human pup plays at first seems really simple because most people think you're just getting on all fours, waddling around and going wolf-wolf and bark-bark.

But it's really so much more complicated. So there are people that are wearing puppy or dog zip or like leather zip-ups. Like S&M. Dog masks and they're on their hands and knees. And this guy had them in a cage, he had them in a crate. And he's describing that it's not just about that. You know, I gotta tell you. It didn't sound like he was from Louisiana, did he, Christina?

He's definitely UK. I just, I don't even feel like this shit, like how much fucking free time. How do these people have time to dress up in latex dog costumes? I barely have time to fucking take a shower every day. You know what I'm saying? Yeah, these assholes have time for fucking puppy play. Getting their dicks hard in latex dog costumes. No, we really don't have time to do anything like this.

Who the fuck has time for this shit? It's an addiction, I guess, in a way. I feel there is a hidden dog in me. I feel I have to live two lives at this point. What? Oh my God. It is kind of like being part of a secret club. What?

Take a mask off. There's sexy time involved, but that's not the whole essence of it. Oh boy. And you know something else going on here? You notice how many ladies are in the room? Zero. Whenever it gets real weird, it's only dudes. It's only dudes.

It's only bros. And they're dressed up in the dog, and they're smelling each other. And why? It's just like the gaze. And there's a fuck swing hanging. Yeah, and they're in there. Yeah, their leather dog outfit. I like that they had to do the interview with the mask on.

Right. It's not just about that. It's about being alone. You think you could take the mask off for the interview? Take it off, dude. God damn. In my days, I work as a doctor. A doctor?

Life as a GP is really, really busy. It's tiring. It's exhausting. So he doesn't have time for this shit? Having the outlet of pup play gives me a recreation. Oh my god. You gotta be fucking shitting me. I think that we all have animalistic passions.

As humans, we are sexual animals. And my animal just happens to be a bit more German Shepherd. This is insane. But how do they... This is a general physician? I know. It's usually professional people that have high stress jobs that like SNM and this stuff. So how are they fucking each other?

Because they're in full body latex costumes. Do they unzip their dicks and then fuck each other's butts? I don't know how this works. I don't know. I really don't know. What draws me to human pup play is I like the gear. I like the lifestyle of it all. It just makes me feel like I am 10 foot tall and bulletproof.

It's not just physical, there's emotions in there. By having a hold on, I get to go to my secret persona where I have no human inhibitions. It sets me free. Yeah. This is so alarming to me. This is like more bothersome than the woman marrying her son. No, that's not true. Well, just like the way they talk about it is like it makes my fucking...

It makes my asshole pleasure. The thing is, is like, I envy that these people are so in touch with their feelings. That they can find something. I am so shut off from how I feel that I could never be like, you know what, secretly. Are you? Are you that shut off? I just want to be a dog in latex. No, but I'm saying that I'm so shut off.

I might love this, but because of who I am, I'm so quick to be like, fuck you, you fucking asshole, that I wouldn't even be open emotionally because he's right. Think about it. The argument is during the day I'm this helpless car mechanic, but when I put on my puppy play costume, I get to be a dog with no human inhibition. So it's his channel of freedom. But I'm so fucking uptight and judgmental. I could never get there.

Sure. I could never get there. My dog, persona, I wouldn't say it's a specific breed as such, but in terms of the personality that he has, it's a very loyal kind of dog. You guys have to see these people. This is unfamiliar. I use them for a little bit of social anxiety. Yeah, I see.

Wearing a pup hood allows a bit of anonymity, so it means that I can interact with people and not be so concerned as to what they're thinking of me. Uh-huh. Okay. I didn't go into human pup play for the sex part of it myself. I don't think that I have had sex with anyone in pup gear. It doesn't just involve men. I've met female pups.

Yeah. It doesn't depend on your genitalia. They're still not in this video, are they? I haven't seen any ladies. Outside of the human pup play community, there's not too many people that know that I'm human pup. Yeah. They might want to keep it that way. Exactly.

Pups, come present. Oh, God. Jesus Christ. This guy. Come present. Come dripping out of his nose. We've gathered the pups here today for training to test their skills. So, pups, show me a kneel position.

Oh, wow. It looks like I'll be eating at school. Yeah, I couldn't get into this. I mean, I'll just give them a treat and keep them doing it. He pulls his dick out. Right. There you go. There you go, pups.

That's what we do with our dogs. Oh, God. Yeah. Well, then, who sent that is, Seika? Oh, boy. That belongs to somebody in the room. Well done, pup. See?

You knew it was mine. Well done. Thank you, pup. So, you don't even get to pet them at night because they're wearing that latex shirt. Latex, yeah. Yeah, I don't understand why they're not wearing fur. Yeah. That would make sense to me.

And less creepy. And less creepy. What makes it creepy- There wasn't any other trainers. There wasn't- What makes it creepy is the fetish, the latex. Yeah. And he's like, we don't fuck each other.

Well, then what's the point of wearing fetish stuff? If you're not getting laid, it's fetishy, but not. Shit's weird, guys. Shit is weird. It's just like the gaze. This guy, this body type, it is a very English thing, sorry, English listeners. It's the male physique of, I've never exercised once in my life. I've never lifted away a day in my life.

I mean, there's obviously some Brits that do. Yeah, but I'm saying this particular mush brand of male, it could be American too. I shouldn't just single out English. True. The guy who's like, never, ever, ever lifted away. Yeah, that's him. For it. For it.

Yeah. Yeah, we gotta go, man. This computer's about to die. And I don't know- Yes, it is. One of the things that I don't have is a charger in here. Oh, I got a charger, mom. Guys, it's Thanksgiving.

Thanks. So thank you for- Thank you. But say it in the master. Thanks. Thanksgiving. It's Thanksgiving in Marica. Oh, that's right.

They don't have this anywhere else. Well, the Canadian Thanksgiving is- That's right. Is last week, the week before. That's true. Thank you guys for listening. This is our first episode in the new house, in the new studio. We really hope to have-

Oh, my God. We hope to have a lot more up and ready to go and have our cameras back next week. And I don't know, we love you. Thanks for listening to the show. Go to your mom's house podcast. Oh, my God. I forgot to tell them this. There's a huge sale on the merch page.

It's going to be Black Friday and Cyber Monday, big sale on all your mom's house merch. So if you're looking to shop like a lot of people are during this time this week, go to your mom's house podcast.podcast.com or go to thompsongirl.com, thousand ranch.com. Click on the store. It takes you all to the same place. Big sale this Friday. And of course, Cyber Monday. Thanks again for listening.

We will see you in a week. Bye, jeans. Bye, mommy. Oh, it's my favorite jam, dude. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

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