Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura - 372-Your Mom's House with Christina Pazsitzky and Tom Segura

Episode Date: November 30, 2016

We love our brothers and sisters to the North, but there's one lady in Parliament who clearly isn't on board with the show - she's anti F-A-R-T! Please keep heckling her. You think you know Tom and Tina, but have you met Karen and Bobby? They're here unless they're drinking or smoking or having sex. Plus an outrageous call with Top Dog and Charo and some amazing clips including one really cool lady who loves when guys spray their love on her (face). This episode is LOADED.

Yeah, welcome. You ready to start the show? Oh my god, I'm so ready. Oh my god. Let's get going. Let's go, Jeans. Point of order to the Honorable Member for Sanich Gulf Islands. I interrupt my friend in her speech, but I heard her say a word that I know is distinctly unparliamentary,

and I think she may want to withdraw it. The word was F-A-R-T. The Honorable Member for Calgary Signal Hill. Are you serious? Mr. Speaker, like, is my colleague actually serious? I just gave an impassioned speech about supporting Alberta jobs, and that's what the leader of a political party stands up and has to say, No, I don't withdraw it. Who is Ram?

Don't bring anyone loving to this. Don't burn me to fucking stand! Welcome. Welcome to your mom's house. With Tom Segura. Christina Pajitsi. Welcome to your mom's house. You can feel the bass bump. That's a good one.

Oh, wow. Send it to her. The sound is so immense, my ear can. Rumbling. You know, I got those for you. That's a gift I got you. No, you didn't. These are... No.

I got them recently, but yeah, a while ago. Right, you just said no. Sorry, I thought you just got these. No, but that was a present. I love these. These are what I used to wear on airplanes when I traveled a lot so I could lock out other people. Yeah.

You just seal out the rest of the world. You're a huge fan of noise-canceling headphones. I even got the mini ones, the inner ear noise-cancelers. They're awesome. How does that work? They're fantastic. You put it in your rectum. Yeah, and then your butthole closes and you can't hear anything.

It's fantastic. It's great. You know what I wish is that people in our country talk back like this. Oh, my God. Why is no one talking to President-elect Trump this way? Like, are we fucking serious? Well, he gives a state of the union. Yeah, what?

You're orange. Nobody's making any sense. No, I know. This is great. This just goes to show how sensible Canadians are. Yeah. By the way, we're in the studio. We made it.

It's still a mess. We made it though. It's better than last week so you can actually see a little bit. It's better than it used to be. You can see we have an actual production desk. Look at this. Yeah. This is like your DJ Dad Mouth's Sensoral Station.

I got my turntables right over there. Turntables. We got special soundproofing on these walls and on the ceilings. Vibes. This guy. This guy. I missed him too. I'm glad you brought him back into the fold.

Yeah, that's American and this is Canadian. That's our Congress. Yeah, that's how we talk. We talk funny. I just gave him passion speech and then we go and we'll speak too. America's spoken good. God, this was amazing. This is incredible.

She said F-A-R-T. Why isn't the government talking about how to retain skilled labor? Thank you. Why isn't the infrastructure minister talking about how to implement infrastructure funds and get construction workers back to work in Alberta? There you go. Why does this government treat Alberta like a fart in the room? Yes.

That nobody wants to talk about or acknowledge. That is where my constituents have been at with this government for over a year. And you know what? We're tired of it. Oh, and by the way, constituents, as I'm giving this speech, there's liberal members across the aisle that are laughing at me and they're laughing at you. Okay. Oh, I like her.

Can we get her to work down here? I'm more of a fan of this lady who's like, I'd like to excuse me. My friend in her speech. But I heard her say a word that I know is distinctly unparliamentary. And I think she may want to withdraw it. The word was F-A-R-T. The Honourable member of F-A-R-T. Are you serious?

Are you serious? R-T. What a word was F-A-R-T. I can cry, baby. F-A-R-T. F-A-R-T. F-A-R-T. F-A-R-T.

You know who that is? That's the tattletale of elementary school. Oh, yeah. Teacher. Teacher. She said it. Oh, damn. Yeah.

Elizabeth, you fucking tattletale nerd. She's such a fucking nerd. Nerd alert. Like you said, it's hard doing anything. Oh, what's going to happen? Are they going to punish her for saying F-A-R-T? The Honourable member for Sandwich Gulf Islands. I have a lot to say about the content of my friend's speech.

I am deeply concerned, as are all people in this place for Canadians who are hurting economic downturn. Well, what about Ford? I would like to speak to that, but the first important, excuse me. Oh, good. Well, she's a down bitch. Maybe she has to fart. Maybe she had to fart right then.

I wonder how often she farts. She looks like she can, she can rip up. She farts a lot. But it looks like they just kind of fall out. Ego. Yeah. I think she eats a lot of TV dinners in front of the television. And she farts, and she pets her cats.

Yeah. Oh. Oh. Oh. It's okay. What's going on? Is everything okay? And we're back.

And we're back. So this is part of living in a new place. Yeah. We've had a constant stream of workers, work, things. Nothing, nothing really works when you first buy a house. Internet. Internet's terrible. Internet blows.

The heater's not working. No. The pool needs work. It's all, it's all under construction. Yeah. It's coming together, guys. Yep. Our life, our life has almost gotten.

They, uh, they just shamed this lady into sitting down. The lady who was like, F-A-R-T. Well, they should. Yeah. You know, like I said, we could use a little bit of this. She's no fun. She's from the no fun patrol. No fun.

So what if someone, she said fart in the wind. It was in the context of an event. She's the lady that when she was a kid and the teacher left the room for a second. Yeah. She told, you know, like she, the teacher came back. She said, you said that everybody could have one cookie and Simon had four. Yeah. Robbie had four cookies.

Yeah. And then Robbie's like, the fuck. Yeah. This, this is the syndrome of someone who needs justice all the time. Yeah. Like what? At the point they, you know. No.

Dick head. Such a dick. Mr. Speaker, the leader of the Green Party has been probably one of the most vocal opponents of every part of the Alberta economy for the last 10 years. Yeah. So I will take no lessons from her on this. Oh. Okay, Michelle.

That was a. Oh, shit. All right. Alberta. Bitch. A vulnerable member for the Sandish Gulf Islands. And I feel it's important to make something of the member's choice of words is that she can accuse people opposite her for reacting.

And in that context, decorum is important and respect is important to this place. I remind those who are now heckling me that you are breaking the rules of this place when you do so rules. I have never heckled in this place, not once. And I've never used language that was unparliamentary, not once. And I recognize my friend's passion, but I do not come to America. She's. She just sat down again.

Yeah. She got fucking told what's up, you know, F-A-R-T. I love that. I can hear her say that. Well, she didn't even, uh, she didn't tell her. She didn't say the word. She spelled it out, which is extra juvenile to me when an adult can't repeat a bad word.

Of course. That makes me crazy. Just say fart, dummy. Like you've never said fart in your private life. She didn't want to sink that low. She shouldn't listen to this show. Oh my God. Oh my God.

Elizabeth would have a real problem. This, this show. She'd be like, it was the most offensive, most offensive. Fart in. That's an R-T. Fart in. Yeah. Fart in.

Fart in. I remember, she was from last week. Yeah. The big, the big fluff. Fluff. Miss Fluff. Whatever she is. Yeah.

She was so fucking fat. Oh my God. Yeah. That was way, that was so much. That's not even fat. Cause Bird is fat, but that was like obese. Oh yeah. That was easily two birds.

Two birds. Yeah. Which is enormous. Yeah. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. So, yeah. So big.

Speaking of that. I mean, I'm really hitting this weight loss thing hard. You're really, first of all, you're really hitting your drops today. I got to say you're on point with your drops. Thank you. And you've been hitting the weight loss game harder than I've ever seen you hit it. Are you serious? You're a speaker like.

You have been, well, first of all, working out daily. Yeah. Jamming on the one, the diet's clean as fuck right now. Yeah. You bought the, that tank that you sit in for an hour a day. The sweat tank. The sweat tank. Yeah.

So you're losing water weight in addition to fat. So there's a lot going on. Yeah. It's pretty great. It's pretty great. I mean, it's a, it's a full on challenge at this point about who is, you know, who's going to be less of a pig at the beginning of the new year. Well, and I've seen Burt's propaganda on Instagram.

Yeah. I don't buy it. I don't think he's doing anything. Yeah. You, you shouldn't buy it. No. It's nonsense. He's a big liar.

You know, he, I see him telling nothing but lies all the time and he's a, he's also somebody who you have to remember. Oh, this is him right now. Shut up. Oh God. Hey, Burt. Did you just see who, did you just see who court tweeted us? No.

The rock again. Tweeted us. Yeah. In the, in the ticket team. Oh, what do you say? Uh, did you see my new video? No. Okay.

Watch my new video and then call me back. Well, I'm, we're doing a podcast right now. Oh, son of a bitch. What do you, what is your new, just tell us. Just tell us, bro. Yeah. I did. I, I filmed my workout today and I ended up doing two a day and running on the treadmill

after I did a cross fit. Yeah. Oh, right. And then my line was, uh, I called these two days for those y'all to get posted back in high school. That's where us real men put hair on our balls. And the rock just said the back in high school line had me rolling. Oh.

Tweeted. That's hilarious, man. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Where's the video? Is it on your Twitter?

It's on everywhere. It's on Twitter, on Instagram. I'm going to post a video a day during this weight loss challenge and, uh, and, and just instead of doing a blog, just post them on Instagram. Hey. So, oh, another thing. I was talking to Ari, he was saying that like, we're just doing a straight up weight loss challenge.

That's how I understood it. Right. He was like, well, if he's a half inch taller than you, then he doesn't have to, I'm like, nah, dude, I'm not playing that. We're doing a straight up challenge. Yeah. Here's the deal. We both measure at six one.

Okay. Okay. We both come in at six one. That's our, our height and the whole deal is who we just, all we have to get really is to 227. But we can get below 227. He has to pay for the trip. Wait.

Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait.

Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Okay. And, and, and, and our number, our goal weight is 227. Okay.

Okay. 227. Alright. Yeah. And between me and you and whoever loses the most weight, get to see the other person here. Okay. Okay.

So that's this. That's the addition to thing. That's the adamendem. The adamendem. You mean? The adamendem. All right. So I'll look up, I'll look up this video you just posted.

Okay. Yeah. And call me later. All right. All right. Sounds good. Bye. I didn't know that.

So you guys only have to get to being overweight and not obese. So 227 and above is considered obese. Well, for our height, I mean, yeah, so right now we're, we're grotesquely obese. And if we get down to 227, we'll just be overweight like if we wanted to be healthy, but also you should, you should remember this though. The BMI is a super outdated, uh, measuring, no, it really is. It really is. How?

How so? Explain to me how the BMI like takes into it, doesn't take into it like, it doesn't take into account like your muscle mass really. It's just saying like based on an average size guy, oh, you should weigh this amount, but you could, you could be a muscular guy and, and be considered obese by it. You could also just be kind of a normal build guy and still be considered obese by it. Cause it's, it's an outdated measurement. So it's just taking the number is what you're saying, but yeah, it's, it's like, oh, you're

six feet tall. You should weigh 180 pounds, but you can see guys that are two 10 that are healthy guys. They're like, no, no, you're obese now cause you're, you're. So you're saying instead they should do a ratio of your body fat to muscle tone. Well I'm saying that if somebody were to really want to find out on this scale, you should do like a real, a modern day body fat percentage. So you know how much, yeah, right. Like a trainer when you see sometimes they, they pinch your fat and then they tell you

how fat you are. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. Yeah. That's interesting. It looks like I didn't, I don't, I don't believe he's doing to a day. Oh, I think he definitely just did. You think so?

He did it today. I'm not saying he's doing it every day, but does he have a sweat tank like you have? I don't think he has a sweat tank. You know, diet, I just can't see him sticking to it for the month, especially on the road. He's going to have so much booze flowing through his system every night. The problem with him and this challenge is the road. That's going to be a huge obstacle for him and that's something thankfully you don't have to contend with.

Yeah. Cause he drinks a lot. He drinks on the airplane. Don't forget. Yeah. He doesn't fly sober. So that alone is going to be quite a challenge. Oh yeah.

And it's, it's a month of that, you know, of him trying to. He's going to lose. Yeah. I think so too. It's impossible. This is what's cool about this internet right now is that I can't fucking pull this up because the internet here fucking sucks, even though we're paying for the top tier that they offer.

So that's always our problem. We always pay for the top tier and we never get what we want. Dude, it's such bullshit. Why the fuck is it so hard to get high speed internet? And we've had different companies and they all are garbage, man. Dog shit. Here we go. 618.

618 in the morning. And I'm ready to go to CrossFit waiting for my workout partner, Johnny Blade, to come pick me up. And that's how you start a day. All before Tommy Buntz has had his first jar of honey. Oh yeah. Oh crap, my hat fucked up. Oh, he really did it.

Yeah, he did it. There you go. Doesn't look good. Doesn't look good at all. Oh, he's wearing a rock t-shirt. God, he looks like shit. That's how we get it in the Iron Jungle. Headed back to the man cave for what I call a two a day.

For those of you who didn't get pussy back in high school, a two a day is what us bad asses used to do to grow hair on our balls. It's getting real up here. Can you hear the music playing? Stupid. You know what's funny? A tiger growl. You know what's funny?

He didn't do two a days. No. Because he didn't play ball. Oh, what did he do in high school? He fucking hung out. He's one of these guys too that like, oh my God, I remember one time when I asked him, I go, did you play football in high school? He goes, I was supposed to be like one of the next best players at my school.

Like supposed to be great, but then I injured my shoulder. Yeah. I was, I was going to, like everyone was talking about how good I was going to be. Like hypothetically, he was proud of himself. And he, and then in college, his movements are terrible. Oh, in college, wasn't he Van Wilder? Yeah. He was a lunatic.

Partied. He didn't even do sports. So that looked really bad. That looked terrible. You know what it looked like? Like a 50 year old dude trying to work out and you're like, stop it. You're going to pull your back or something. He looked like he's going to hurt himself.

Yeah. I hope he got approval from his position before he started. I should do, I should do a video just where I show him how to do this. Oh, this is bullshit. What he did once, you've been doing this already for months. I'll take him to a class. Oh, remember when you did Crossfits? Oh my God.

You come home and you're like, oh, it's a burpees. Oh, burpees. I do Pilates, you know? I did a plank yesterday, two minutes. Yeah. First time my entire life. Pretty cool. You're just going to, you're not going to give me any kind of props.

I am proud of you. I think that's great. I really do think that's great. I'm glad. 227, it's a magic number. That's your record? No, boo boo. 227.

Oh, I thought you meant 227 is how long you planked for? No. Oh. Just two minutes. Two minutes is fantastic. Yeah. 227 is not obese. Okay.

So. F-A-R-T. No, you know. Yeah. Pretty incredible, right? Very. I can't believe that. Very.

Okay. Guy didn't do two-a-days and he threw a two-a-days joke at. It's so fucking funny. You know, Bert's never even been to Russia. No. That whole story is just, it's all exaggerations. Oh, that's right. Yeah.

He, they didn't really call him. No. He calls himself. It's all stories, guys. Yeah. It's all stories. And his diet's probably not clean. Oh my God.

He's not eating clean. And not boozing? I mean, maybe for a few days, maybe a week. I could see him doing that. When he's home, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. He's got leftovers because they, they blow it out.

The Christchers. Oh yeah. And there's, I'm sure he's eating leftovers. Sugar. Still. Sugar. We threw him out. We bought, we ate one day and then I threw it all out the next day.

Stuffing greens, peas, tomatoes, tomatoes, chicken, bam, bam. You know. I threw it out. Yeah. So we didn't have, we're not tempted. It's a good, it's a good point. I am to my husband winning the obesity challenge. The obesity challenge.

Yeah. The not obesity challenge. That's right. 227 genes. You're almost there. I'm getting closer. Oh dude. You're so there.

Yeah. I'm getting closer. Yeah. We're eating clean. Clean eating, clean living, fitness. Can't wait. Jumping rope. Um,

Making boxings. Making boxings. I wanted to bring up a story. We had the electrician come this week. And he pushed the doorbell and I answered and he goes, oh, hey, Jean. And I thought that I was heard. Yeah. Yeah.

And I, I let him in. I go, I think he just called me Jean. Yeah. And then later he goes, all right, Jean, thank you very much. Because he heard me call you jeans a few times. Like jeans. You want this here? So he was like, he's like, I'm picking up on it.

You know, he was like, oh, he was like, Jean. Right. He called me Jean. You loved it though. I loved it. Yeah. I mean, for a split second, cause we have had workers come through here that are fans of your mom's house.

Yeah. And I thought for a second, maybe this guy's like a fan of the show or something. Oh, for sure. Yeah. He's a little, he's a little older. So I don't, I didn't think so, you know. Yeah. But just the fact that someone called me Jean based on you was pretty great.

Yeah. Pretty great. Jean. Hello, Jean. Hello, Jean. Um, God. That was fun. That was fantastic.

Jean. Jean. We still say Jean's and mommy to every drive through. Like we do the Starbucks drive through. We live by Starbucks now. So we drive through all the time. Yeah. And it will be like a mommy, can I get a venti iced coffee, extra ice, no sweetener.

And they're like, okay, it's going to be three 58. I'm like, okay, thanks. Thanks, Jean. That's the key is if you say it fast. Yeah. Cause now I do it. Yeah. It's the most fun.

They never say anything. Never say anything. And you can do it to waitresses, to your Starbucks employees, to anybody that you have an exchange with quick exchange, like the grocery person. You go, Hey mommy, I'd like a ba ba ba. Thanks, Jean's. Yeah. I say thanks, Jean's cause that one's easier.

Yeah. Yeah. I think we should start a phenomenon around the world where people start doing this. I think it's great. I know. Hey mommy, I like a double cheeseburger, ba ba ba. Thanks, Jean's. Yeah.

Those by the way, those fucking international bird is fat things are so fucking funny. I love that Indian one we got from the, the female. It's amazing. It's amazing. Japanese one was great. So profesh. So profesh. Yeah.

So profesh. Now there was some controversy I noticed about last week's master of accents. Yeah. I noticed that too. It looks like your title is being challenged. Okay. Um, let me pull it up here. Yeah.

People were like, Oh, master of accents. Huh. Yeah. Okay. Pups, we've had a bit of a rest. Time now for some training. What's involved in human pop plays at first. Now I have to say we were, you were saying something about how dignified, I remember

you were talking about dignified Brits. Right. And then when this clips up, I would say that you actually said Brits first. You're blaming, wait a minute. Yeah. You're the master of accents. You're the master of accents. But you lived there.

Yeah. I know, but I was tired and not paying attention. I'm just saying, I think I followed your lead, but you're blaming me or the master. I'm just saying, I think you polluted my mind for a moment. Uh, but then we had a number of people right in, um, very upset saying this is absolutely very clearly not British. It's Australian. And then people on top of that wrote in and go, this is Kiwi.

Well, yes, you're right. Now allow me to clarify, because I read all the emails and I've done my, uh, my research here. I heard the first speaker is a mom's drillian and this guy, this New Zealand guy wrote in, he's like, I was so happy to hear that we were going to shit on the Aussies because that gives us Kiwis great joy. Yeah. And then he goes, the rest were Kiwis.

Oh, really? So the first speaker is mom's drillian and then all these lunatics. So the dog Wrangler is Australian. And then these little savage piglets of his are Kiwi. Right. These suck pigs. Yeah. And they're latex dog fetish costumes are Kiwis.

Wow. Right. What a masterful. Right. Accent this man has. Right. It's really something. Hey pups, we've had a bit of a rest.

See, but it's. So now that is a rest. Training what's involved in human pup place at first. It's really simple because, you know, most people think you just get. Right. Waddling around. Waddling around. But it's really so much more complicated.

Oh my God. Is it more complicated than that? When do you guys pull your dicks out? Yeah. Learn who sent that is seeker. That belongs to somebody in the room. Well done pup. See.

You know it was mine. Well done. Oh God. So fucking weird. He's petting the. It's upsetting. Human puppy in the latex costume. It's upsetting.

There wasn't any other trainers. There wasn't. Chinese. Teach me. You live in Australia too. I know. Learn and put together. Learn.

But I will say. Can you press pause? Yeah. Is that his accent? His accent feels subtly mom Australian. It doesn't sound as much as lying. You gotta die. Yeah.

It's not like that. Yeah. When I talk, when I talk. Oh, we have a big Australian accent here. Yeah. Yeah. One of the clips coming up. That's from pup play later.

Pup play. Yeah. How much for you to do pup play? With this guy in charge. And just all these other guys. And they all recognize you from your Netflix specials. Even with my dog mask on. Well, they cut your beard out of the mask so people can recognize you.

I might. Good day, my. Yeah. From Netflix. Thank you, sir. This guy, you know, he pulls his dick out and just mouth fucks all these dogs. Well, they don't mention that. I know.

But you know that's coming. Of course. He's wearing this latex shit. Orange stuff from psychology. Oh my God. He's smelling the other guy's ass. Kinesthetics and safe work. Oh, for fuck's sake.

So putting that all together, I've become a trainer. I've become a trainer. And I own pups. I own pups. Who are you barking at again? Who's your owner? Who's your owner? Who's your owner?

That's right. We should have gotten this. It's very disappointing. It is a sad day in your mom's house. I'm going to be honest. And I'm going to be open about who I am. That's who just said that. This guy in a full fucking ridiculous dog mask and latex suit.

Damn it. And by the way. Big fate. Perfect smile dog teeth. Perfect smile. By the way, these late full body latex dog costumes can't be cheap. No. It's a real investment.

A real investment. It's also an investment of your time to live at this fucking pervert's house in his cage. To get the realistic dog face costume with your eyes cut out. It's a really aggressive, like, you know, costumes and masks can go one way or the other. That's really aggressive looking. Doesn't it look super aggressive? Of course. Yeah.

But that's his puppy nature. That's his nature. He wants to express Tom. Oh God. Yes sir. So gross. SNM is so, it's so not my lane. Oh man.

I'm just so, I'm so not into this stuff. Yeah. Where'd it go though? I don't know. To make fun of them. But I want to hear the difference between the Kiwis and the Australians. Okay, okay. Because I'm not sure.

I'm going to be honest and I'm going to be open about who I am. About who I am. That I'm not ashamed of the fetish. I'm not ashamed of the people that I exist in this. It's muffled. Yeah. You should be ashamed though a little. You should be very ashamed.

I want that I'm not ashamed of the fetish. I'm not ashamed of the people that I hang out with. Why not? I think you should be. Just a little bit. I want people to know that it's a normal community. It's not. I don't think that I should be hiding it away.

I think you should. You should. Just like the guy that marries. There wasn't any other trainers. There wasn't. Can you hear that difference? There wasn't. Well, I can't hear because it muffled.

It might get. There wasn't any other trainers. There wasn't anyone to teach me. So I had to go out and learn and put together the ideas. I looked on secret. Got to present for me. Good boy. This is a good boy.

Yeah. I took it off. What a relief to get that off. Oh no. Put it back on. Your parents are watching. There you go. And I'm going to be open about who I am.

That I'm not ashamed of the fetish. I'm not ashamed of the people that I have. You should be ashamed. And I suppose that I want people to know that it's a normal community. It's not. We live in this guy's cage. Harding it away. What a relief to get that off.

What a relief to get that off. So, I mean, I guess it sounds a little more of a thing. What are you doing? I'm checking a message. Oh, who's calling? I don't know. I got somebody just left me a voicemail. I don't know if it's a, okay, it's a different guy.

I didn't know if it was the guy in the house. I gave him my number. So, here he is. He's letting you know. I mean, he seems happy. He's fine. He's very happy. But you would think for a sense of like, hey, I want to keep my day job.

Yeah. I don't need my friends and family to know that I dress up like a latex dog and sniff other guy's butts and then, you know, after them. You don't need people to know, just like what we said last week. Well, sometimes my trainer, he asks me, you know. Your dog trainer? Yeah. Like the gaze.

You know. I asked him, would you ever date your mom? I asked him, will you ever date your mom? He's like, yeah, I really would. I really would. Man. Once in a while, he calls me mom. You know what I mean?

You know what I mean? Yeah. So dumb. So dumb. She looks like a fucking boy. She looks. What's that? That's something else.

Jesus Christ. We didn't even open up that can of wounds. It's just like the gaze. Yeah. God. It's just like the gaze. It's still one of the most alarming things we've ever, in my opinion, played ever. Me too.

And it's one that lingered around the house for days. We kept quoting that one for days. Yeah. It's crazy. I asked him, I'm your mom and you're my son and I am falling in love with him. He said, are you really? I said, yes, I am. He said, you know what?

I was scared to let you know too. I am too. It's just like the old consenting adults. If it comes down to it, you know, it's just like the gaze. They're, you know... As long as they're over 18, everything's fine. Yeah. Yeah.

Same thing. Yeah. Exactly the same. I asked him. I asked him. What would you do with your mom? How do you... Like that's such a...

She just brings it up one day. We were just one day. We were talking and laughing and she was like, I asked him, would you ever do your mom? Like how are you responsible? It's pretty stupid. As a parent, right? It's on her. It's on her.

It's on her. You're not supposed to... So you want to hear a distinctly Australian accent? Yeah. Let's figure the difference out between the Kiwi and the Australian. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

I was in bed and my wife come and wake me up and I come out to lie to me jocks and I saw an old mate running towards the light. He was up the street and then he came back towards the car and I said, Oi, what are you doing there, mate? What are you doing there, mate? I was waiting and he's like, nah, nah. I fell asleep behind the wheel and I'm like, what? What?

Right eye, right eye. Wow. He needs a perfect smile. He ain't devlic. You see that? Perfect smile. He's missing some... Babe, I don't know where perfect smiles are.

I have a perfect smile on my travel case. I travel with it so that if I ever need a smile on the road. Thank God. He could definitely... And then he just decided to start walking up the street again. I said, what are you doing, mate? You got to wait a year. And he just started taking off.

So I was running inside, jumped in my little purple car and started chasing him up the street and then he went down a solid street and I was told the cop is he went down the solid street and they went and got him. This is awesome. Adorable. And I was just chasing him in my jocks. Chasing him in my jocks. He's got like 14.

Hey, no. Yeah. Don't Australians just sound adorable no matter what they're saying? Yeah. Even choppa. Choppa. Choppa died his pubes ginger. Choppa.

I love it. Yeah. They're a fun group. Sweet, right? Yeah. They just don't sound like dicks. I don't... How long did you live there?

Six months? I didn't live there. I did road rules there. What's I'm saying? You lived there. Filmed for like almost three months, I think back in the day. You lived there. In the 90s.

I know, but you lived... How does that make my point? Well, no. I mean, it was an extended trip. I don't know if I would consider... Three months? You wouldn't say you lived there for three months? All right.

Then I guess it's living. I mean, I lived in Boston for a summer. I still say I lived there. Yeah, but I lived in a... I lived in youth hostels and... In a wedding. In a wedding. Yeah.

In the wedding, you were doing challenges. Shit, man. You're wrestling crocs, sitting on ice. Just glassing. You were just glassing. Glassing. Glassing. Just glassing.

I got a bad bite. I got a bad bite. This guy looks so happy, too. He is really happy. And you know, these Australians, they're always happy. I don't know. I've never seen a bummed-out Australian. And they were like that in the 90s.

Everyone's super nice there. You think it was the 90s thing? I don't know. I mean, look, I just know that I didn't meet a rude Aussie when I was there. Really? No. Americans are douchebag. We're mean to foreigners, especially.

But they're so nice. I loved it there. Canadians, Australians. Yeah. K-Weas. They're all nice. They're all nicer than us. Most other places.

Would you say... Oh, this is New Zealand. Except for Eastern. Oh, shit, man. Not this. Yeah. I hate this. Oh, shit, man.

This is cutie. Not this. I hate this. Some bundles of energy. But they need the right snacks to keep them going. That's why I have my kids. Pretty bars. Pretty bars.

They're full. Now you're laughing at it. Because of this. The breathing is... They're obviously very close, though. That's Kiwi. That's Kiwi. It's a bit of, yeah.

Fruity bars. Yeah. It's stronger. And I feel like Australia... You think it's a stronger accent? Fruity bar. Yes. It's a little more fairy cutie.

Fruity bars. Kids. They're bundles of energy. Bundles of energy. But they need the right snacks to keep them going. That's why I have my kids. Pretty bars. Pretty bars.

They're full. Oh my God. Do you know that I clean up the toys now? A lot more because of that. Yeah. See, it worked then. Oh my God. It worked.

No, I don't want to see it again. Fruity bars. Snacks. Snacks. Go down right there. No way. Yes. Have you ever seen a move go down that quick?

No. We've been slipping along here. Just glassing. Just glassing. Glassing. We're just glassing. Let's glass. Let's glass.

That shit makes me so happy. Oh man. That makes me so happy. The ultimate dad boner, that guy. Yeah. Like hearing our son laugh and this guy make me happy no matter what. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. It's amazing. Just glassing. And I like his dad move. Yeah. Just glassing. Yeah. You know how they do this?

Like. He was really doing it. Such a dad move. Yeah. Got out here. Early boarding. Look at the meadow. This is why.

This is why we came up here. We've been slipping along this big huge meadow. Big, long, tall meadow. We've been slipping along here. Just glassing. Just glassing. Glassing. And all of a sudden, literally, I didn't even have.

I didn't even put my head net on. I'm like, ah, we're just glassing these big huge meadows. Wait. No. People wrote in saying I was wrong that this guy's Canadian. No. You thought he was Canadian? Of course.

Yeah. No. He's from Colorado. I don't buy it. How do we know he had a Canadian living in Colorado? Dude, he has no Canadian accent. I hear it. No.

And looking for moose? I mean, there's nothing more Canadian than that. No, no. You don't know. You don't know. It's really bad how far off you are with that one. You don't know. I'm really disappointed.

I'm really disappointed to be honest. Okay. Okay. First of all, I want to bring up something that I'm really thankful for, you know, we just celebrated. Yeah, Thanksgiving. Thanksgiving. Thanksgiving, Mike.

That was a perfect English accent. Thank you. And we invited our friends over. We did straight friends and... Straight friends and no gays. Straight friends and no non-binary. Yeah. And I'm saying, you know, we didn't do anything we didn't want to do.

So the point is you and I made sweet love in our home for the first time here. And I wanted to thank you because you put on deodorant before we did it. That's really... And showered. And I thought, wow, what a special occasion. Yeah. Okay. So...

You did. You said that. And I was like, what are you talking about? Whoa. Deodorant? What's going on? What's the big deal here? Why the deodorant?

I wear deodorant every day. No. What do you mean no? I mean, what I mean is usually when you're asking for S-E-X, I don't want to say the word S-E-X, you don't usually groom up or do anything special for me right before. Sometimes you'll have flown across the country. F-A-R-T. Yeah.

The night before you'll have a show and then you'll be like, can we do it? I was really impressed that you took the time to put on deodorant as well as shower prior to us doing it like right then. That was really cool. See, for me, the most memorable moment was we did it Saturday and it was at the tail end of the Florida-Florida stake game. And I turned it off. That was special.

And as soon as I rolled over, like as soon as I rolled over, I go, can I put the game on? And that to me was like the special moment. Well, I was surprised that you turned the game off. I thought you just mute it. Well, I thought I would mute it and just watch, but then I could tell you weren't into that, so I turned it off and I tried to get through it as fast as I could for you. For me?

Yeah. For me. When I rolled back over, I was like, I put the game on and you were like, okay, I'm going to go to the shower. For me? Mm-hmm. Now, I thought that, by the way, that's a sign of a real marriage is when you can do it and then your husband goes, can I put the game back on and you go, yeah, fine, it's

fine. And there's no anger on it. It means you're in a good place in your marriage, definitely. That's true. Because I know how important that game was to you as Florida-Florida stake. Yeah. And we won. We killed the Gators.

Yeah. The Gay Turds. The Gay Turds. I thought that was really neat and we've been playing this little role play lately, which is fun. Well, because we were making kissy faces the other day and in bed and you'd had a glass of wine. It was kind of like three quarters done, it was the side of the bed and I went to kiss

you and I was like, oh, I like this. This is like back in my bar, my bar streaming days where I used to just kind of troll the bars. Right. And you go, oh my God, really? Yeah. You remind me of what's a good bar, bar troll name, Karen. Karen, yeah.

Yeah. Total Karen. You're Karen. I just made the bar. I wanted you to smoke a cigarette too, because when you have that in your mouth, then I know you're down. Down. If you have booze and smoke, I'm like, yeah, what's up?

And Karen has really low standards. She's not used to being treated well. That's the thing. Karen's like, whoa, you're kissing me. Right. Usually I don't get mouth kissed. I pet my head. And that's why with all these sheets on your bed and Karen doesn't get mad when the guy

flips the game on. Right. That's what she's used to. Karen's actually used to the game on in the background as they're doing full volume. Right. So Karen's thankful that you turned it off. Yeah. And that's why I let you go back.

You know what would have been, what would have been cool if you want to be like really cool white points. We do it in the dog facing the TV while the game's on. That could be cool. This might be the guy. Let me check. Who is that? That's the guy in the house.

Oh, shit. There's a dude at our house. Oh, there's so many dudes in our house always with the dudes. Yeah. Is he calling? I don't know. He just said I'm done. Somebody asked me if I need to come over there or not.

I'm asking him now. Okay. We'll see what he says. Just laughing. But anyways. Can I tell you what I really liked? Yeah. You have been smoking cigars lately outside.

I've been enjoying getting back into cigars. Yeah. I liked them like, I don't know, 20 years ago. When you were 10? Yeah. And now I like them more. 20 years ago. You're only 37.

Yeah. So like a teenager, late teenage. What are you talking about? That's why I like cigars. In Florida? That's why I got into cigars. In high school? Yeah.

Who the fuck smokes cigars in high school? That's how I got into them. I was doing two days. Two days. Two days. I calmed down cigars. Yeah. I was a grown man already.

That is silly. Yeah. So you came in after you smoked your cigar and I kissed you. And I was like, well, it looks like Karen found a match. Yeah. You're Bobby. Bobby. Bobby and Karen.

Because I had cigar breath. Right. And Karen's got such low standards that Bobby can walk around in the shorts. Yes. Unfortunately. Oh, for crying out loud. What's wrong with the heater? I don't know.

I gotta go out there. All right. Pause. Pause number two. Here we go. Here we go. Here we go. Just glass.

Glass. Oh, I gotta stay with the dogs. And back. All right. Interruptions. There you go. I had traffic today in the Cigura. Yeah.

A lot going on. Cigurapigets. Well, I got a little treat for you. You want to hear it? I got a little treat. No, Bobby. Ready? Here we go.

Hey, buddy. Stop dog. Hey, buddy. Stop dog. What time is it, Georgia? Oh, God. Hey, buddy. 618.

Stop dog. You need to lie down. Yeah. Stop dog. Gave Dad a call. Yeah. And... Oh, my gosh.

Pretty fantastic conversation. We haven't spoken with him in a while. Yeah. It's been a while. And I got lucky that not only did I get to talk to Top Dog, I also got to talk. A little bit to Charo. Oh, boy. So it was something.

They're coming out pretty soon. They are. Hello? Dad. Hey, buddy. Hey, you're home? Yeah. I'm home.

I work. I don't work every day all day, so I'm home. Oh, that's great. How's it going? What are you doing? Watching Perry Mason with Mom. Oh, cool. Hey, did you tell me the other day that you had like a new fart?

I did. I did. I did. So what do you attribute that to? You know, I don't know. I don't know. I think maybe a combination of some different foods and things. But, you know, I kind of have my fart smells down to about eight or 10 basic smells.

Yeah. And this was a new one. And it, you know, because it, and it was ugly. I have to tell you, but it wasn't so ugly, but it was just different. You know, it was almost like it was somebody else's fart. Were you surprised? I was surprised. I was totally surprised.

Yeah. Yeah. So what did it lead to? I mean, like, was it a, were you sick or do you think? No, no, there wasn't. There wasn't any, any event. Yeah. Usually, you know, if you have some needed, some restaurant you'd never eaten before

you go to somebody's house, you know, have some greasy Italian food or something like that. Yeah. But this was, this was. Why you put it on the Italian? Greasy Italian food. Greasy Italian food or something like that. Well, he doesn't like Italian food.

Hates Italian food. He's the only person alive that hates Italian food. Hates pizza. I really, you know, I tried, I went back and tried to remember what I ate and I can't put, but it was definitely different. You know, it was a real, kind of a real discovery. You know, that's really something, huh? It is, it is, you know, and I thought I was kind of past the point of new discoveries,

you know, 69 years old and kind of everything is pretty much routine. So it was, there was a little bit of excitement there that I may have opened up a new, a new vein in the old, you know, large intestine. Yeah. So, but your movement afterwards was standard? It was normal? Yeah. It was standard.

Yeah. Absolutely. That's really something. You know, you, you, you just came through Thanksgiving and of course that, that changes your, you know, you have a lot of things and quantity and stuff you don't normally have. So. Oh, this was a, this was a Thanksgiving part? No, it was a pre Thanksgiving, but just coming through Thanksgiving, you know, you know,

I, I'm back to doing, you know, I had basically two's and three there were some Thanksgiving. Wow. Wow. It's good. Incredible. Anyway, but I, I would just start by that one smell. I've never. Two is a little hard.

It's hard. But threes and fours are ideal. So if you're having two's and threes and I would say fours and fives are ideal for me. No. Five's too sloppy. Threes and fours are the ideal. I don't think so.

I don't know. It's not a matter of opinion. Let me look. Threes and fours are where you want to be. Yeah. Yeah. I know this stuff. I go for five.

Don't go for a five. It's too sloppy. You want threes and fours. Believe me, I've studied this stuff. I know the whole scale. When's your colonoscopy? It's next month. Hold on.

You want a four and now you're right. Three or four. You want a four. Right. That's what I just said. Yeah. Not even a three is kind of hard. A sausage shape with cracks in the surface.

But it's all right. You want a smooth, soft sausage or snake for four. Yeah. Sorry. Go ahead. Okay. I don't know what you said before. Yeah.

I mean, having a new, I kind of know what you mean. One thing that was weird was I was on a flight last week and somebody kept farting and it was the same smell. So I knew it was the same guy farting. And then about two hours into the flight I farted and my fart smelled like his fart. That was weird. That was weird. Yeah.

That was weird. You know, I'll tell you, we ever get on like you're on a tram or something at, you know, people have been sitting down. So they stand up and they, and they, and you do that a lot in Florida because if you, you know, if you were cold weather climates and you have a fart, you kind of get in a crowd. It kind of hides in your, your overcoat or jacket or wherever you're wearing, you know, it doesn't. But the time it gets out is kind of diluted.

But if you live in a hot weather climate like Florida or, you know, LA in that summertime, when your fart gets out there, you know, there's, you know, there's an escape hatch. Okay. Oh yeah. And, you know, you know, so, and then people, you know, then they all look around, you know, you always know the people that don't look around are the ones that did it. Yeah. Interesting.

Yeah. Yeah. So it was, I do it. I always look, I always look around with like this disgust of what the hell's going on, you know? Yeah. Kind of to kind of misguide them. Well, the other time we've died with this one, I mean, that's what conversations with

my dad are like, then I, I'll reciprocate, I'll be like, oh, I'll say this back. And then he'll be like, so something else I did the bank and yeah, there's an older person in front of me. They don't know. You know, they're not aware if somebody's behind them, sometimes they're not aware of somebody's in front of them. Okay. Yeah.

And so they had no idea. And all of a sudden, this not only had smell, but it had noise too, had no idea somebody's behind them. And they farted a big fart, huh? Oh yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And then, and then when they, they step up to the counter and they realize you're behind

you, they, they, they pretend they don't have any ownership of the problem. Right. Right. I remember one time I was a, I'll never forget, you know, there's just memories that just stick with you. Yeah. I shared an office with this guy also named Tom when I was working in DC. District of Columbia.

Yeah. I was working at America's Most Wanted. He was a producer and on air guy and I was just a researcher. So I was 20 and he, or maybe 21 and he was probably 40 at the time and we both like hip-hop. So one time we just went to a record store like during lunch break just to look at the records and this guy, this was back when there was record stores everywhere and they had headphone stations. Do you remember that when they came to that?

So you put headphones on and they would have like five or six things you could listen to at the time. Sure. So these are albums that are out. So this big guy is staying there with headphones on and he hits like, so obviously you can't hear what he's listening to, but he's singing the notes, singing the song. He's like, I want to go and as he hits the high note, he rips a massive fart, right? But it was so weird because he turned around and looked at us and because we were busting

out, laughing and it was all, he looked at us like, oh, you're laughing at my voice. I think he didn't know that he farted. Yeah. Because when you're wearing your earbuds, you don't hear your own fart. You don't hear your fart. And I think because he was singing, he didn't actually realize that he pushed out a fart. Yes. Because I've had that happen before when I've been on Treadmills where you're farting and

you think it's silent. Maybe it's not and everyone could hear it. Sure. That's a real common problem. Yeah. Yeah. I know what you mean. Did you tell mom about this new smell or no?

No, no. This is where it gets good. That's not, she's in the other room, so I'm, she's, you know, not into this. She's, I haven't told her about this. Is she around? Can I talk to her? Yeah. Cute.

You can talk to her. Hold on. Okay. Hold on. I'll bring up right away. Yeah. It can wear on you sometimes. What's up?

Did you know that he had a new fart smell the other day? I thought. Yeah. He said, after all these years, he has about eight to 10 fart smells. So, hurry up. It's so great. Hi, Tom. So disappointed.

So upset. Now, is she disappointed at you or her husband? Doesn't want to hear about it. Doesn't want to hear about it. Which Tom? Is she referring to you or your dad? Tommy. It's Tommy.

Yeah. I thought I heard, hi, Tom. No, hi, Tommy. Which made me laugh. I thought it was your dad. Yeah. You smell. Hi.

You tell Tommy you have a new fart smell. I did have it. You never smell before. Ah. You should see how serious he's telling me this. In my life, I had a person, I had it in my life. I had a person talking about this middle of the fart and checking him out. Seven.

This is a new one. Can you imagine? Seven. Seven. It hurts a lot. I know. Seven. Seven.

Oh, by the way, I want to tell you in front of him, this is serious. Yeah. Oh, my God, it hurts to hear this. Yeah. Tommy wants to talk about you. No, no, no. I want to talk to you. Oh, okay.

Tell me. I don't want to talk about farts. But this is... Can you imagine? This is... Part of the smell. I mean... Definitely.

So how did you know when you farted? I mean, do you check your fart and you keep track? Well, this is my fart. It makes so much... I didn't recognize the smell. Oh, you're wrong. Did you hear what he said? What did he say?

When I farted, I didn't recognize the smell. So I know it's a new one. But isn't that kind of amazing when you think about it? Tommy, I cannot believe that. I mean, I know if a minor smell doesn't smell, that's as far as I know. But to recognize the smell of this fart, what is a new one? He says he has eight to 10 different smells that he recognizes. What?

Yeah. You have eight... I'm going to put you on the speaker, yeah? Hold on. Okay. Come on. Can you lift the crap down? Yeah.

He says you have eight to 10 different... Yeah. Different smells indicate different types of farts. So I know, by the way, my farts are what kind of farts. Did you hear that? Yeah. Tommy, this is disgusting. But isn't that...

It's kind of a nice skill that he has that he knows what's coming. You know? A nice experience to know about history or, you know, if you think about the flowers, I know by the smell of the flower, if this is a rose or a geranium, or I know what butterfly is coming by the color of this... He's telling me about the farts, what kind of farts I am going to have. But that can do it. That knows.

If that is the one that... That's for sure, thank God. But he also discovered... I think the real thing is that not only does he have that skill, after all these years, he was able to detect a new smell, which is really significant. Yeah. But really, that was kind of like... You know, it's like being an astronomer finding a new planet.

Yeah. That's really true. Can you believe that? Yeah. It's like they find new solar systems and galaxies. That's kind of... How low can you get on your own? That you are going to live according to your farts and the smell and what kind of caca

you're going to have. If that would be my goal and my meditation for the life, I might as well don't be around. It's important when you go to the bathroom knowing what's coming to see how much toilet caca is. I know it's coming caca and I am... There's a lot of toilet paper, and I know I need an extra roll. So, is the main advantage to knowing what's coming? Just toilet paper usage?

No. Actually, toilet paper, and the real main advantage is, you know, how close you are to toilet because sometimes they come quicker than others, you know, they don't come quicker. So, do certain fart smells let you know you're going to have a really explosive, huge shit? Yes. That I know. Absolutely. Yeah.

That I tell you I know because sometimes we're talking and he runs out and he says, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I knew that I thought it was going to be a fart, but it was the biggest explosion. I said, don't please don't go in the details. Please. And it goes all over that. Wow.

That's really cool. No fart. That's really cool. I don't think... Tommy, you are that disgusting at your fire because you call that really cool. I think that's awesome that he has that skill. You look caca right now too? I don't know.

I'm not at dad's level, but I have some cacas that, yeah, they paint the bowl and stuff. I'm teaching everything enough. Yeah. Teaching you everything you know. Yeah. I'm going to teach my son. It's going to pass it down from generation to generation. Absolutely.

I'd be sure to be sure, to be sure that your son knows that his grandmother never agree with any of the disgusting stuff. Okay. If you're going to teach him or caca, don't forget to talk about God and maybe another thing that I want. Okay. I got to go. I love you guys.

Yeah. Do you know what? I don't think he said that you called. You talk about caca and then you say, I got to, I have, you forgot to say I'm walking into a meeting. Somebody here at the house. I have to go. That's the reason why I got to go.

I feel sorry for the person. I hope he didn't hear this. He did. I'm in another room. I love you guys. Love you. I love you. Okay.

Bye. There you go. Your mom does the same thing I do to you because you always go, I got to let you go. I got to let you go. So rude. So rude. I got to let you go.

Yeah. It's been a long time. I laughed so hard. Man. My stomach hurts from that call. I love how upset Charo gets. That's the best part. I know.

Is how upset she is. Yeah. So. And how disappointed she was when she found out what you guys were talking about. Oh yeah. And she's disappointed in you. I don't. She couldn't be any more.

What was it here? I think it was here. I don't. I don't. Yeah. He said after all these years, he has about eight to 10 fart smells and he had a new smell. Hi.

Oh. Believe me. That's my favorite thing too. That's why I do this. Her disappointment is so profound in you right then. It's so. It's so fun. How bored do you get when you talk to your friend?

Yeah. It can wear. It's funny. She goes, how bored do you get when you talk to your friend on you sometimes? What's up? Did you know that he had a new fart smell the other day? I thought. Yeah.

He said after all these years, he has about eight to 10 fart smells and he had a new smell. Hi. You tell me you have a new fart smell. She's so disappointed in you right there. I don't think I've ever heard her. And usually she just gets angry, but this was thorough disgust and upsetness at you and your dad. It's a very nuanced emotion for Charo.

This one's a little more incredible. Usually she just goes to rage. So funny. I don't want to hear. Ghostface killers. I thought it was your shit. It's a poet from the streets. That's how I like my MCs at each.

So that's when she's a big ghostface fan. She is. Yeah. You know what I thought was really neat, which you have been teaching our son is in the mornings, he and I, we get our coffee together and we go into his room and we wake him up or he's already up and we have like a family time and there's a, there's a rocking chair I sit in. I said I was sitting there with Ellis and you are sitting on like a plastic chair, like

a step stool and you're in your dad boxers like you normally are with your slippers and just a shirt and you're sitting on this plastic stool and your legs were spread open and the fabric was pulling against, up against your nuts. So we could see just a hint of balls. Yeah. To the side. To the side. Yeah.

And you spread your legs, you lifted the legs in the air and then you farted. It was like a snap, snap, snap, snap, snap, like firecrackers in the street. It was incredible. Yeah. And it was cool that our son got to see that firsthand. Yeah. It was pretty cool. I agree.

It was kinda like on that, what was that, the, that great fart that he had, the king ass ripper, he was sitting on a dresser. Right. Remember his dresser fart? That's a good one. It's a ghetto app. Yeah. It's a good one.

That's a neat thing. Yeah. Yeah. Pretty cool. Oh my God, that call was so good. Fart, yeah. Fart, fart, yeah. Now, how is your dad?

I want to talk to my mom, too. I have a question, though. Earlier, she was like, um... Ask them, will you ever date your mom? Yeah. I was like, yeah, mom. Where do you live? Will you date your mom?

Yeah. So, how does your dad hold, does he hold in these farts? No. He doesn't hold them in. No, no, no. So, how does he fart around your mother? He just does. Who has other contempt for them?

He just does. And he'll be like, baby, I got, I just came in, I got a fart, I got a, she goes, we'll go to the bathroom. And he's like, I don't have to go to the bathroom. Sometimes he's like, he's got, and then he'll get matches and stuff, you know. No, she just gets upset. She just yells. She just, but she lets it happen.

Yeah. I have to say, I think one of the greatest things about our relationship is that we just fart in front of each other because could you imagine 20, 40 years of having to get up and go to the bathroom? We know people like that, though. I know, but that's especially because your dad has a sickness, he has a diverticulitis. Yeah. His are rancid.

It's medical. Have you smelled his? Of course. I've known him for years, of course. It's so bad. It's disgusting. Yeah, he's got really bad. It's really rancid.

His farts are like, just wallpaper, peeling, it's really crazy. So I wanted to play this for you. This woman, Shazrad Morgan, she's the author of the book, The Fuck List, a memoir about the two years after her divorce where she fucked a lot of dudes. Cool. We always talk about this. Yeah. We're going to blow, bang, whatever after.

Oh yeah. And by the way, you had a dream and then you tried to kind of dismiss it later. You're like, oh yeah, whatever, just dream where you said I watched you, right? No. The dream was you had an idea for a bit for your mom's house, where I blow the entire cast of jiggalos. This is your dream. This is my dream.

And I went through with it. I did it. Reluctantly. Reluctantly. No, I just did it. I didn't think. And then afterwards I was talking to Brace about it. Yeah.

Brace was like, wow, you really blew all those guys. It was really crazy. And then I had second thoughts. I was like, oh, we can't air that. We can't air that. Right. And then I go. That's your concern.

And then I go, Tom, I blew all the guys in jiggalos. We can't air this bit. This is going to ruin my reputation as a lady. And that was it. Yeah. I liked it. It was your dream. Tell your shrink about that one.

Let me know what she says. Who I roll. And you're like, oh, I had this dream like somebody sounds like someone really twisted your arm. You're like, well, I just did it. I blew these five guys, but I only remember blowing like one. I remember. I only remember one peener.

Really? Yeah. Like in the dream, I didn't go one. Do you remember who it was? Three. Three. Four. You blew Brace in your dream.

Right. But then I didn't. But I just remember seeing the peener. I don't remember it like doing anything, but I remember Brace being like, wow. Wow. And then I asked you to take the bit out that we shouldn't air it. Brace philosophy. Brace philosophy.

Brace philosophy. Brace philosophy. Brace philosophy. Brace philosophy. Brace philosophy. I love Brace. You blew them. Yeah.

In your dream. Mm-hmm. Really cool, babe. You got it. Hi. I'm Sharzat Morgan. I'm author of The Fuck List. So this is a very unusual video.

I have come all over my face. I don't know if you can see it. And thank you, Brandon, for leaving it there for me. Oh, Jesus Christ. It looks like a nice lady. She did, yeah. She did? Before she said that?

Well, I don't know why you have to make a video of come on your face, dummy. Well, she's going to tell you why. We've all had come on our face. You don't need to make a video. The reason I'm showing this to you is because I want you guys to realize that come to me as a woman, come used to be something really disgusting and gross and slimy. And I would have never let a guy do that on my face. I consider it so disrespectful.

Right. Yeah. But it's not. I want to tell you how I came to see come. It's not semi-yaki. What's her accent? You could slimy stuff and make it something that turns me on. And this is how I realized by talking to men that they associate their come with their

pleasure with their orgasm. They really identify with it. Almost like a woman might identify with her. I don't know, with her hair or something about our bodies that we like. She's a really weird accent. She's a really weird accent. There's some kind of affectation. Yeah.

But so far, I'm 100% on board with her. Do you agree with that? Yes. The come is an extension. Absolutely. And guys do identify it with their pleasure and everything. I think that's that part's accurate. And so the fact that it repulses me, is that bad?

It's just reality. I just have to deal with it. I wish it wasn't like that, if that's what you're asking. I wish it were candy flavored. Mine tastes pretty good as far as I remember. I had a couple cups of it last week. It wasn't that bad. And so when they're coming, not only for a man, his come is a very precious part of himself.

Thank you. To him it's not gross or slimy at all. He loves his come. He's proud of it. He looks at it like it turns him on when he sees it coming out. He's proud of it because he sees how much there is, how thick it is, how far it shoots. It's a measure of his manliness. There's so many things about it.

And when he can come on a woman, it makes him feel so close to her. He's giving her part of himself. Thank you. This lady's a genius. Can I tell you something? Her eyes are really... Everything's wrong. Can I tell you something that's so great is when women get hosed into this horseshit,

that guys feel things about their come and we need to be more respectful of letting guys come. Yes, it's true. Give me a fucking break. This woman is so close. I want to talk a little bit about the white tigers practices. I practice as a white tigers for about a year. In the oral sex tradition, there's a lot of things. Doesn't it remind you of her?

For example, we have a technique. Hoding. And she talks weird. They both talk weird. They both talk weird. Looking deeply the penis and you're almost like gagging on it. And when I first heard about this technique and then saw it, I was like... Saw it.

Oh my goodness. And it was this... Like the instant thing that came up in me was that it's degrading to women. Or the technique where you're holding the back of the head and the man is holding her head and then circling his hips and... Hoding. Hoding. Yeah.

This lady's cool. That is your boy. She needs a male approval too much. What's going on? What is this? Why can't this get addressed? Seems like... What's that?

The eyes. Oh, I got that. No, not like that. What's going on there? It's bags. Maybe she should put come on those bags. That's what I'm saying. Such a skin tightener.

There's so much, so much bags and you get all this access to all this cum. Why aren't you marrying the two? Right. If it's a skin tightener. Yeah. Because I think she'll get more cum, which she loves. She loves. If she takes care of those eyes.

Her teeth look good though. She does. Her teeth look good. Yeah. She's an attractive woman. No, she's nice looking. I know, but these are real bad. Real...

I can't exactly... And she has come on her face. I keep forgetting that it's on their face right now. Where is the cum, I don't know. I guess it's kind of dried. It usually gets flaky, right? Yeah. Or crusty.

And it's a turn on. It's not disrespectful. Great teeth. And once you can see that and let guys come on your face or on your body or anything, guys come on your face or on your body or anything, it's just such a respectful, loving act to do. Thank you. A loving, respectful act.

It's a very loving and respectful act to let the guys come on your face. She's a Sesame Street character. Another thing, so after they come on my face, I like to rub it in and it makes a really, really good face show. No, it doesn't. Because when I wash it off, my skin is so smooth. Oh, shut up. Yeah.

God damn it. There's that hose job you're talking about. Yeah, she's totally hosed. This broadness. In more than one way. The only thing is, when I get it in my eyes, it makes my eyes burn a little bit. I get in my eyes because I like to look at the men when they're coming. I like to look in their eyes and I like to see them come out of their penis.

It turns me on now. So I open my eyes to look and then I always get some in my eyes. So I have to figure out how to get better at that. Yeah, you have to figure out how to get better at that. She's really over sexed, I think. I think this is too much of a focal point in her. I'm going to go out on a limb and say that. She's talking like a fucking teenager.

Yeah. She's probably been super repressed. I think so. This is her reverse. I think so. Yeah, because usually when people lead with the sexuality card, it's their whole thing. I'm this super cumbly. I like to watch cum come out.

I'm the cum lady. I'm the cum face lady. You come on my face and I rub it in. Right. It's definitely right. It's years of repression and now she's the official cum on my face lady. It's so funny. By the way, the thought always being that like, oh, you really got to be so accepting of

guys to get them to be into you. No, you don't. You don't need the guy to come on your face for someone to cum. Yeah. You know what I mean? Dudes will come no matter what, dude. Don't worry about it. Yeah.

Dudes. Stop fucking worrying about their feelings, about their fucking cum. Yeah. You don't want to worry about guys cum? No. Why? Who cares? What do you mean?

We're not an underserved demographic sexually men historically. What do you mean? I mean, you guys have ruled the world this whole time. Who cares? We have things we need to take care of, babe. Yeah. Okay. Guys, do your holiday shopping using our Amazon banner.

We haven't mentioned that yet, but if you want to buy the cum cocktail cookbook, we just got that. I've come all over my face. Thank you, Brandon. Yeah. Click on the banner at the bottom of the homepage you're shopping as you normally would. It's very true. For Christmas.

Do your Christmas shopping. Do your Christmas shopping there. Also, we have a bunch of great shirts on sale on the website. We have some posters on sale. They are go to tomcigura.com. Click on the store to shop and it'll take you to our merch page. Can I read an email that we got? Please read an email that we got.

Okay. Ready? Yeah. Hola, mamacitas. Can you please settle this debate once and for all? My wife and I argue all the time about wiping techniques and we are in need of a neutral third party to weigh in on the subject. Ready?

So I myself am a sane person and I wipe from front to back until the toilet paper more or less comes back white. Yeah. She, on the other hand, goes back to front. Cool. Wiping shit towards the clit. She justifies this. Towards the clit.

That's a little aggressive. Jesus. She justifies this by saying she has this claw technique where she essentially uses toilet paper as a makeshift shitty finger condom. Wow. And scoops it out from inside the beehole to make sure she gets it all. Jesus. I agree.

Her bunghole is probably definitely a lot cleaner than mine, but what do you mommies think? Am I crazy? This sounds real crazy. This sounds really, really aggressive on a lot of levels. Wiping back to front is never recommended. No. For nobody.

And that she claws at it and just, oh man. Wait, let me just see though. I do see the point like. She's going like this with the paper in there. Pulling that. The problem is you are putting Kaka on your regime and that's not sanitary. You can also do the claw, do a reverse claw, do a claw front to back and use your thumb as the claw.

Pull it away. Right. A little away from there. No, you should definitely reverse your claw. You should get the total. Yeah. Get the total washlet 350 on Amazon using our banner. It's really the best.

Momshousepodcast.com. Did you know that the button that turns it on, if you press it twice, that's how you get hard pressure. No. Yeah. It's soft on off and then there's stop. So you do soft on a second time makes it hard. You're fucking kidding.

Because I've just been increasing the pressure by pushing the button on it. It's not enough. Yeah. Wow. That's amazing. Yeah. So we were using the washlet from the nineties. We got the total 350 E and it is because the guy at the Toto store, I went to their

showroom and he walked me through it and he goes, Oh, you got to get the 350 E. That's the latest model. Get it on Amazon. It's amazing. And it's pretty painless to hook up. You need to have an outlet by the toilet and the water source is there. This thing has a remote control, a heated seat. You just basically, it's like your old shit to shower thing.

I mean, I still like to do a cursory wipe, just, you know, before you washlet. Sure. I'll do like a wipe. Why? And then I let it rip. Yeah. Why do you, why do you do, that's what the washlet is for? No, I still like to do one wipe because if you have a lot of coca there, you don't have

a big hairy asshole like me. No. So yeah, I'll do like a cursory wipe. I just, I don't even look. I just wipe it, drop it, and then I hit on, and then I just let that stream go. All right. I mean, there's nothing on the paper afterwards. Nothing.

It's amazing. Have you used the dryer? Yeah. That's so cool. Nice. It's a nice, it's a hair dryer in your asshole. It's a hair, like a full powered. Now with art, there's a, the front setting and then the rear setting.

Yeah. But as a woman, I have to use the front one. So it pushes the coca away. Yeah. Do you know what I'm saying? Yeah, I understand. Yeah. You can't do the front to the back to front.

We got a horrible or hilarious clip to watch. I haven't watched it. Do you want to weigh in? Yeah. Yeah. Let's see what you think. Oh shit. Oh my god.

She's fucking. What the fuck? Oh. Fuck. Oh. Oh. My fucking nuts. Fuck.

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

Oh Jesus, what were you thinking, dude? But look who, look who, I think this guy was driving. Yeah. So when you asked what were you thinking, I think I have a pretty good idea, not a whole fucking lot. Right. Right.

Yeah. Past the dope. Summer of 63, that's what I was thinking. Jesus. He's high. Yeah. He goes, Ah, nice. Did you hear that?

Yeah. Yeah. Fuck. I'm bummed out. Oh. Fuck. This fucking guy. Yeah.

Oh. You like it. My fucking nuts. Yeah. It's pretty funny. I think it's a bummer that that's the guy that hits you. That fucking cunt. Oh, yeah.

That hippy asshole. Yeah. That guy's no good. Smoking dope. Yeah. Yeah. No. I have come all over my face.

I have come all over my face. And I really like it. It's an excellent skin softener. I have feel so good. Oh, I don't like it in my eyes. It burns my eyes. Super dumb dumb. Do you see the Hungarian email?

I did. That's funny. You noticed that. Read it though. Okay. Thanks, Tina, and surfer of the water, champ. Champthrown Tom, you surfer. Yeah, okay.

Inspired by your wonderful podcast, I pulled my jeans up high and tight and sent off for a DNA kit from 23 and me. I use the work. I use the code, Bert has fat jeans to payment extra 20% to pay an extra 20%. Which goes towards Bert's liposuction surgery. I received the kit fluid bonded with the test tube. And a few weeks later, I received my results.

The test identified several very close blood relatives I didn't know I had. You see, my mom was adopted and found her bio mother several years ago, but she never found out the identity of her bio father through some detective work and by comparing DNA results on another website called GEDmatch. They compare DNA from different testing companies. I discovered my mom's biological father. His last name was Johansik. Does that sound?

How do you say it? Oh, no. You have to spell it. J-O-H-A-N-C-S-I-K. Johansik. Sounds a check. All right. Well, he was 100% cockroach DNA having Hungarian.

That makes me 25% Hungarian. Excellent. What do I know? How do I connect with my Eastern Bloc roots? Is there anything special about being Hungarian? Should I take up disco dancing and start being rude to people? Should I plan a pilgrimage to Budapest? Yes.

I'm really lost here. I see you at the next family reunion, Andy, P.S., my wife, and I saw Tina in Houston a while back. We already have tickets to see the fake water champ tongue when he comes to town. Unbelievable. And as you'd say in Hungarian, Ksenem. Yeah. I think that's wonderful.

I think you should go to Budapest. You should start eating sausage, drinking beer, and abusing your body because you can because you've got cockroach Eastern Bloc DNA. Also, work on your scowl, right, Tom? Yeah. Work on your depressiveness. You're going to need it. Yep.

No, it's nice. It's beautiful. Budapest is beautiful. Cursing, get a good curse going, disdain for humanity, you got to work on that a little bit. I think it's cool. You should go check it out. It's fun.

Yeah. It's fun how grumpy some of them are. I don't know if they are anymore, but, you know, last time I went, shoes. Everybody in my family is grumpy. Super grumpsters. That's fun. Good for you. So that's a pretty cool message.

Very resilient genes. Very resilient. But someone else told me this, mommy's long time, long time, first time I was listening to podcast 371 when a listener wrote in saying their dad picks up an Asian accent whenever talking to an Asian person. This is my favorite. Well, this seems to be an epidemic as deeply ingrained in dads as dad mouth is. My father does the exact same thing from the unintentional, horrifically racist accent

to reverting back to a caveman sentence structure. However, my father's dad accent goes a little further. Not only does he do the accent of the person he is speaking with, but he is in contact with them over the course of maybe an hour. He starts to switch up accents, even throwing in words from different languages. For example, after an entire meal of him talking to our ratress in a sushi restaurant with an Asian dad accent, for some reason over the course of a few sentences, it morphed into a Hispanic accent, even ending the night with him saying, C, in response to the wagers'

question of whether or not he was finished with his plate. Oh my God. Oh my God. My father is neither Hispanic nor Asian and has not had any extended periods with anyone. He would not have a familiarity preference like was suggested by the main mommy. I think this matter needs further investigation to get the source of dad accents, keeping him high and tight. Blake B. That is just remarkable.

I mean, I have so many countless memories of my dad doing that. Juanito, were you able to buy some nice things today? It's good, no? Why are you telling me you like my dad? And maybe this weekend, I show you some of the things and the church is nice here. You would like it. And they're like, okay, Tom, gracias, tío, Tom. Oh my God.

And he's like, Jess, Jess. So ridiculous. Let me say, oh yeah, oh by the way, do you remember the Master of Accent's last episode, which clearly we, you know, failed. The puppy play? Yeah. No, also the other guy. What was it?

The redneck. Right. Yeah. From Louisiana. That's right. Right. Somebody gave us. Somebody gave us the old one, too.

Huh? What for? Hey y'all, I'm gonna stand up and have around five of you out before I leave. I got a host of old 48 Willis pickup trucks for a well-dried pig. God damn. This guy looks good, right? He looks awesome. His chin looks.

He had a special bad belt on it and hauled prisoners back and forth out in the field. Makes a lot of sense. We said he was hauling printers, just hauling prisoners back and forth from Angola State Prison. All right. That would make sense. Yeah. Instead of printers.

Yeah. Why would they need printers? He had a special bad belt on it and hauled prisoners back and forth out in the field. Well, I got to look it in the tanker and in the tanker. All right. Yeah. But now we know that there's no printers that they need in Angola State Prison. What a dumb fucking.

Well, listen, in your defense as a master of accents, I think that your batting average is pretty high. It's pretty, it's substantial. That one word off. I mean, you translated all that hillbilly. I know. I know. Do you hear this dog?

Of course. Of course I do. Hey guys, I don't have a video in a while, but I'm going to make it up to you because this year I've come up with something called the super burp and super burp is where I swallow in a lot of air. I wait until it sinks down into my stomach and then I swallow in more air because it makes room. Instead of just burping it right away.

So give me a little bit, be patient, because I'm going to have to swallow an extra amount of air. Okay. I like how all those are like, hey guys. Like it's always like, hey guys. Yeah. You have your little team of, you know, people who are. Your daniacs.

Yeah. The daniacs of your crew. It's always super upbeat. Hey guys. So today on this makeup tutorial, I'm going to show you how everybody opens up at YouTube. Hey guys. I just want to talk to you about, hey guys. Hey Hitler.

Hey guys. Hey Hitler. Hey guys. It's me Haley and I just went on a target run and I wanted to show you everything I bought. I got some new candles guys. I'm going to show you what I got. There's some great sales.

Remember the Yankee candle guy and he would do candle runs and then he would, he would review the Yankee candles. I actually like, I really like those good smelling candles. It was just like unbelievable that that was somebody's whole plight, you know, that was the whole thing. Yeah. That's everything that they do in their life is just that. I just did a target run and about this no polish, like who's watching this shit.

Who is watching that? I don't know. It's got to only be somebody who's also doing the exact same thing, right? Like teeny bubbers. Yeah. Little teenage girls. Well, I think just know that other like just sad shopper is like, what'd you get? And then, oh, I got something too.

So is she going to show us the super burp or? Yeah. Let's, let's pull it up. I'm dying. I'm a little too. So you guys better look me for this. Okay. I don't know if I can watch this.

Wow. You should see how that read on the fucking, holy shit. That was disgusting. Yeah. Even I'm like, I'm disgusting. She's gross. She's gross. Really gross.

Jesus. Okay. I can't hear it. It makes it sound like. I don't like it. I don't like it. I don't like that. That's so gnarly.

Yeah. You know how many come. Where's the, where's the pay info? I mean, why isn't she like, guys. Hello guys. You need to pay for this video. Right. I don't like it.

Do you know how many complaints we're going to get from people for this episode? Listen to that. It was a lot of farts. A lot of burps. Brown talk. There's a lot today, but that one in particular was so loud. Fucking gnarly blew up the levels there. This is the hey guys whisper porn.

Oh God. This shit. Hi. Tonight, I wanted to make you extremely relaxed. Oh my God. It's giving me so much anxiety. It's making me so angry. This video is made especially to you.

Especially. She's so gross. I can hear this live on her. I don't like that. Oh, that's somebody's thing. I really hate this. I really don't like this. I'd rather watch the broker.

That's somebody's favorite thing. I know. I know. I know. I'm trying to hold me to this. Okay. I'm ready. Okay.

There. I knew a girl in high school that could do that. Yeah? Yeah. Her name was Tiffany. And she would drink Dr. Pepper in burp like that. I don't like this. This makes me so fucking angry.

All right. I have no patience for this. All right. I mean, I'm not into it. What if Tom? Yeah. What if I talk to you like this? Yeah, I don't like it.

Hi, Tom. Hi, Tom. Is this the show? I have come all over my face. I have come all over my face. I have come all over my face. So disrespectful. Come for me.

F-A-R-T. And those are the best ones of today. So. It's a really good show. It really was a good show. It really was a good show. It was really fun. Should we go out?

Should we go out? Yeah. We got to come back to some Patreon. Put that shit down. Patreon. Put that shit down. Put that shit down. Yeah, let's do it.

Oh, can I request if you have it? Yeah. I was just thinking today that it's your mom's house. Oh. It's your mom's house. You want to hear that song? Yeah. It's your mom's house.

It's your mom's house. I like that one. Let's see. I don't remember how that goes. Let me see if this is it. Did people really listen to this? Oh, that's a good one, too. That's a good one, too.

Let's see. Is this it? Oh, that's a good one, too, though. This is... Is this it? Right here? This is it. Bye, guys.

Bye, mommies. Love you. It's your mom's house. It's your mom's house. It's your mom's house. It's your mom's house. It's your mom's house. It's your mom's house.

We asked you, Now we've had some fun, We've had some laughs And we hope you all Come running back. Now we've had some fun And had some laughs But please, come

On back. It's your mom's house. It's your mom's house. It's your mom's house. It's your mom's house. It's your mom's house. It's your mom's house. It's your mom's house.