Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura - 373-Your Mom's House with Christina Pazsitzky and Tom Segura

Episode Date: December 7, 2016

Diamonds on the crevice of your ??? I'll give you three guesses. We have so much to share with you! Get ready to pull 'em high and tight! This week we tickle some bodies with our new favorite Disney star, talk about Tom's time in West Palm Beach, and find out just how unparliamentary Elizabeth May can get when she's had a few drinks! Jeans up!!

Okay, here we go. Welcome to another episode of your mom's house. I am the water god Tom Segura. Okay. And here is Christina Pajitzki. So I will be sharing my thoughts, interesting, funny things. And Christina will also talk when she talks you'll hear. So back and forth, back and forth, blah, blah, blah. This is Tom. That's Christina. Super funny, Tom. Thank you. Welcome. There you go. Can I tell you what I think is going on with our power? Tell me. The pool guys are in the breakers because they need to fix the electric and they I think they're hitting the breakers. You're probably right. Yeah. That's what happened last time. Jean, you got a big one coming up. Why don't you tell everybody this weekend. I'm in Washington, Dick come December 9th, December 10th.

I'm only there for two days. I'm only doing four shows Saturday. The early I think is already gone. I don't know. So get your darn tickets now. It goes man. It's how it goes. Darn tootles. Moves quick. Yeah, I've got some stuff lined up for 2017, but I'm not announcing just yet, but I will shortly. Listen to that steep row. And that's it. What about you, man? December 13th. I'm at the Ice House. It's almost sold out. So if you're in the area in Pasadena, you can get that. I'm doing New Year's Eve. I'm doing a whole bunch of shows. Oh, junior's knee. Yeah. In Orlando, Orlando. The New Year's show. Just I feel like we have to say this every year is more expensive because it's a special event, but I'm also there the day before

that and the day before that. So if you just want to come out to a show in Orlando, come out. Otherwise, a big fun night will have on New Year's Eve. Kansas City is on sale. Oxnard, California. I'm doing Liberty Live there. That's in January. And then the big tour starts with New Orleans, Black Lanna, Clear Fartter, and Tallahassee. That's the first theater weekend. Clear Fartter is probably my favorite new name. We added shows in Portland, Oregon. Oh, poor. We added a show in Chicago at the Vic. We added a third show in Mamiapolis. Well, I'll tell you, all those three cities you named are Mami Hubs, too. They're hubs, yeah. So that's going to be a fun show for all the moms coming out. And we just added, just outside of the Tois, Royal Oak. What's that? Oh, I

just did try. Yeah. So we just added it. So now there's a, it's sold out. The first show sold out. So make sure you get your ticket. That's in March. This is a 64 Ryder by Eddie Bojangles. I was going to say, is this you singing? There you go. This sounds like some jam you would really love in Junior High. Thank you. Let's do this. Let's start this show, man. You ready to start the show? We have so much to go over. I can't wait. There's a lot to do. There's a lot to do. Very important business. F-A-R-T. Okay, okay. Here we go. F-A-R-T. Okay, hold on. Hold on now. F-A-R-T. Let's start the show. Just glass. Come here, let me tickle your pussy. Oh, no. I said come here, let me tickle your pussy. Not with that fucking thing. I said come here and let me tickle your

pussy. Uh-huh. There you go. This shit is big time. The poll is randy. Don't bring anyone loving to this. Your mom in the fucking stand. Welcome. Welcome to your mom's house. With Tom Segura. Tom Segura. Christina Pajitse. Christina Pajitse. Welcome to your mom's house. That's good. That's good. That's the cool guy. He just walked away from the switch. I just see the guy walking. I see him around now, walking away. What is he doing? The circuit breaker is there. They're fixing the pool right now and they need to turn off the power to get to the electrical. Believe me, I had the same fucking shit happen last year. Well, we're doing this right now,

so it's kind of more, I mean, can we tell him to not do that? I have to stop everything. Like, we're in the middle of doing this. All right. Do you want to tell him? Man, man. Go tell him. Go tell him. All right, so. You just farted and then you judged me for farting two seconds ago. Here we are, week two of fucking. I can't believe you're calling the kettle brown like that. I farted and you chastised me. Fucking thing. What's wrong, baby? Let's talk about it. Oh, it's just annoying. That's all. The constant stream of workers that interrupt our lives on a daily basis. And now fuck up our audio and prevent us getting our work done. Come here. Let me tickle this. I don't like this guy at all. What's that?

Is he still fucking with that breaker? No, no, he's not. That's what I'm telling you. It's not that, babe. It's not that. There's just, there's new shit every time. So we have a new monitor. As you can tell, it's much bigger. Much bigger. Way bigger. We were more excited. We were excited that it would, you know, it could serve us as a great, there you go. Dip that again, pop back in again. It should be fun. It's gonna be a fun thing to do. It's not that, babe. It's not that. Okay. So here it is. Now we feed our video and audio via HDMI into this television, and then the, the television shoots back the audio into this board. That's how it's working. I'm already preparing for it not to work out. That was about as exciting as the microphone guy.

Yeah. The way you described it. I know. Hi. I'm the Evie, my guy. Yeah. I almost blacked out. You did, right? When you explained all that. God damn. You're schnuzzle. I hear. Yeah. Yeah. I tickle it this way. Oh, look. I don't like it. Oh, come on, man. You had diamonds on your pussy, bitch. That's a stupid idiot. Cut out again. Diamonds in the crevice to your pussy. I like the guy. I don't like that our feed just keeps cutting out. I don't either. Yeah. So that's cool. Does it affect audio? Does it make a pop sound? Yeah, you hear, of course. When you hear, when you hear a pop here, they hear a pop there. And it sounds to you. Yeah, of course. Oh, geez. Should be fun. So I feel like just setting this

room on fire right now. Should we, real, should we have Blue Band come back and fix this? Of course. Before we continue recording this episode? I don't think you can fix this. No, no, no, no. He can't fix it like that. Who can fix this? I'm probably going to have to get an entirely new monitor and I'm going to have to use that for something else. Well, then should we just do audio clips today so that we don't have to go through the aggravation of the visual being fucked up? I don't know. We'll see. We'll see. Let's see if you can even. I said bring your ass. Come, come here, bitch. Come here, bitch. What's on his finger? Yeah. Tickle it. I don't know. But it's like a, it's a ring. Right. It has two like bands. Right. And then it's pointed. It's

like a coke nail. But it's a pussy tickler. But it's not because if you tickled mine with that pointy metal thing, it would scrape and hurt my. How do you know? But you've never had him do it. That guy could be good at it, you know? I don't think so. I tickled it this way. No, thank you. Oh, what? I tickled it that way. What is wrong with him? Who does this turn on exam? Diamonds on your pussy, bitch. Okay. He's really selling it. Yeah. Diamonds in the crevice of your pussy. I like the end of that song. Yeah, that's really great. Diamonds in the crevice of your pussy. I said bring your ass. Come, come here, bitch. Come here, bitch. God. Tickle it. You know what that guy is not into? Just glassing. Yeah. Because that is,

I feel like somebody that's just glassing has like is more relaxed. Yeah. Well, the glass is a dad. Yeah. This guy is devil. He might be a dad, but he might have multiple children. But he's not, he's not a dad. He's not the kind of guy that starts off his day with glass. Yeah. Just glassing. Just glassing. Oh my God. What a crazy week it's been, huh? I know. I know. Oh my God. Oh, but before we forget, if you're going into your Christmas shopping, do it at yourmomshousepodcast.com. Yeah. Go to our shop. Get a water champion t-shirt. Let the real water champs in your life, aka me, let them know that you're into it. Sure. Shop there. Do our Amazon banner. Please use our banner. I beg you. Just go to

yourmomshousepodcast.com. Click on the banner at the bottom of the home page. You're shopping as normally would. I hope you're shopping on Amazon for Christmas, by the way. Oh, yeah. Don't fuck around with a mall. Get it mailed. So stupid. Get it wrapped. You can even add a note. Yeah. Like I was thinking about you. I love you, Mary. And I want to tickle your pussy. Diamonds in the crevice of your pussy. Yeah. That dude just really said that. Just glad. He sang that to you. He did. What a sincere fella. I took it this way. Yeah. I'm going to throw up. I know. Diamonds in the crevice of your pussy. At least he really likes it. He does. For it. Yeah. For it. Yeah. How much he's not that bad. I think the vegan vagina guy is way

worser. Yeah. This guy is he's actually cute. Like he's attractive. This guy. Vegan vagina dude is is gnarly gnarly. He's a gnarly gross fucking guy. Yeah. Ain't got no teeth. He pops his fucking teeth out. That's nasty. It's so nasty. He needs a perfect smile. And then maybe I would get on board. This guy or that guy. No. Vegan vagina. Vegan vagina. Yeah. He's he's gross. See but what's the difference between vegan vagina and like this guy. It's the same pitch. Well here's the thing. This guy is all about sex. He's just a sex maniac. Yeah. Right. He bought a ring just to tickle pussies with. It's a tickle pussy ring. Yeah. Vegan vagina guy is using like he's using sex for his real cause which is veganism. Oh boy. And he's a gross dude like aesthetically he's much grosser.

You know facially you know shit like this guy is just more visually appealing. Yeah. He's got his shit together. Like he's got a look. Yeah. This guy like he's put together. He's got. He wishes he was Tupac. You know. Yeah. He's got even the bandana. Nice eyes. Nice teeth. Yeah. He's got. No he's cute. I was so wanna let him tickle my pussy with that thing. And he can sing you know. He can sing. Diamonds in the crevice of your pussy. I like this song. I like it. Diamonds in the crevice of your pussy. Yeah. He said was it weird though he said like diamonds in the crevice. Did he say D. I don't know. That's what I keep hearing there. In the crevice. Right. Diamonds in the crevice of your pussy. Yeah. The crevice.

In the crevice. Maybe he meant to say crest. Or crevice. And then he thought. Crevice. In the crevice of your pussy. Diamonds in the crevice. D to the I to the A to the M on your pussy. I was in Breast Balm Beach this weekend. Breast. West Harry Palm. West Harry Balm. Four shows. Electric. So fun. A lot of mommies. A lot of mommies. Big crowds. Fun crowds. First of all how was your eating since you're on this diet to lose weight. I did really well. I did. I had a I didn't have any food fall offs the whole weekend. It's very hard on the road. It's hard on the road but I was I stuck to it. I did have two vodka sodas. That's nothing. And it's not it's not good if you're trying to stay in ketosis but you know whatever it happened. I'm sure it's many less than

Bertrand had. Oh that's what he had for breakfast today. Oh yeah. Two vodka soda. And I don't want to give away any I don't get what I lost a couple more pounds. Wow. I would say more than a couple. You're looking well I'm saying from last from last week. I'm down a couple more. Yeah. I don't know. I I love these team Bert losers that like they believe in that bloated carcass. Yeah. And they and they're like Bert's gonna do it. And it's just it's just I use it as motivation. You should. Yeah. Haters gonna hate. Oh yeah. And they're all they're like all his fans like the guys that are like hardcore team Bert are such fucking zeros. You know like you look at their profiles you're like I guess they're just kind of drawn to their own type. You know they're such fucking zilchers.

Wow. You just put them on blast like that. Well you know I think they know who they are. They're they're attracted to their kind. Yeah. And then like yeah mine like the people on team Tom they're like oh you know I I just I got promoted I'm CEO today. Winners cool man. Achievers. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It's much different. Show me your friends. I'll show your future. Yeah. You know you're a fucking loser. Fucking losers. Fucking bums you hang around all day. Right. Yeah. Yeah. Your followers don't hang out with bums. No good for you. So how are your browns because you don't have the washlet 350 E on the road. Just glass. Yeah. That guy's the best thing that's happened to us. Just glass and look at what's glass. Yeah. We came out here.

I know. Can you play the whole thing. His whole thing. Yeah. It's the best. Came out here. Came out here. We were expecting to see the mooses. Oh god. Just glass. Just glass. He um. Glass. You want to like see his whole thing. Take place. Okay. That's so fun. He makes me so happy. That was good. It's just time to time. That's not what I meant to play. I love that that was on deck though. Yeah. Well that's. No. Having this cord like replace the other one is what's changing everything. That's what it is. That's a problem. That's what we're going to have to change this eventually. Just glassing. Just glassing. Look how thin I was in this photo and I thought I was a fat load there. God damn. And then I had a kid. It stretches all your shit out. Dude come on. What

are you talking about? I'm talking about. You thought you were a fat load there? Yeah. Look how flat my belly was. Look how flat mine is. How many years ago is that? I don't. This is uh. We had Feef. 13. 2013. This is the one we first moved around to. Yeah I remember that girl did it in Torrance. Right there. No way. Yes. Have you ever seen a move go down that quick? Holy cow. Holy cow is right. That is awesome. Do you think Joe Rogan would hang out with that guy? Definitely. Hunting? 100%. He'll love the enthusiasm. We got out here early morning. Look at the metal. This is why this is why we came up here. We've been slipping along this big huge metal. Big long tall metal.

We've been slipping along here. Just glassing. Just glassing. Glassing. And all of a sudden literally I didn't even put my head down. I'm like oh we're just glassing these big huge metals. That's so fucking stupid. It is. It is fun. He is like it makes me happy. He makes me happy. Let's just keep going. Let's glass. Let's glass. Let's glass. I'm glassing. I'm like holy smokes. I gotta move. I gotta move. And I'm like oh man it's a bull. It's a bull. And I'm like no it's a cow. We got a cow right there. Jesus. He's so stoked. I know he's really stoked. I've never been that stoked about anything. Me either. I don't even think when I told you I was pregnant. You were like cool. I was pretty excited. But I wasn't. I wasn't glassing. You weren't glassing.

We've been slipping along here. Just glassing. Just glassing. Glassing. We're just glassing. Let's glass. Let's glass. Let's glass. I'm glassing. I'm like. Yeah it's amazing. I've been loving the hashtags just glassing. Yeah the hashtags glassing. Look at it. Oh you see how it's saved. There's a file for it. It's called dad boner moose hunts. That guy is such a dad boner. Huh. Huh. That's neat. Well good. So your weight loss has been really kicking in high gear. It's been great. You've really been glassing. Yeah I've been glassing hard and um. Hotting those mooses. Yeah. You didn't think you'd see any moose but then you did. I didn't think I did. Then I was like is that a bull. I was like oh shit. I lost my mind.

Yeah. You know what's great about you and I really admire the most is that you're so dedicated to this diet. Yeah. And I went to whole farts. This was so mean to you. And because I know you're dedicated you haven't had a sweet treat. I haven't had. Like Thanksgiving we all had some. I had a couple pieces of pumpkin pie. Right but that's not you know that's not going to break. That's the only time you've been bad this whole fucking time. You've been so good. And so I thought I'd buy you a whole farts chocolate. I got one on the primal diet. It's primal friendly and it's no sugar and it's only has a coconut oil in it. What did it taste like. No you're not getting into it. So you go oh you gotta try this chocolate. And I go I can't. I can't have it. And you go no no no.

It's paleo and it's keto friendly. I checked. And I go are you sure. So I was like really trying to be good. And you go yeah yeah. You go look just try a little bite. And I put it in my mouth and I actually thought you put a piece of dog shit in my mouth. It was the most fucking disgusting thing I've ever had. And you were thrilled. It was so happy. Well because I actually I chewed and then I not only did I spit it out I spent time just spitting and washing out my mouth for a couple of minutes because it was so disgusting. It tasted like something you would bake with. It's like baking chocolate or something. Like in the raw. It's like when I said no sugar they meant no fucking sugar. It just tasted like a hunk of dirt out of the earth. Yeah it was

this shit was so damn nasty. And I was so excited to have a treat on my fucking diet too on that primal thing. Did she tell you about this or you just happened to stumble by it. No it's on the list of things I can have. Yeah. And so I thought oh it's gonna be exciting. I'm gonna have primal chocolate or whatever. And it just tasted like such shit. Yeah. That's the thing when you're on a diet it's like not even worth it. Yeah. Fuck it. I don't even want to. I just don't eat because I'm so miserable. The idea of eating. Eating so depressing now that I'm like once you get really in on it like really into your diet then what happens is I don't know you almost don't you look forward to saying no to you know what I mean. Right. You look forward to not indulging in things.

You're like it'll be exciting to not enjoy things today. That's how it feels. Right because when you break the rules you just know that you're fucking yourself. Yeah. Just setting yourself back. Yeah. So you're like I mean it's gonna be so good to not enjoy stuff today. Yeah. Yeah I hear you. True man. I'm glad you like that chocolate. I'm gonna get more for you. So obviously you remember the biggest nerd ever. I got to show you this. Glass and no this fucking point of order. Yeah dude. Fuck her for a sandwich. My friend in her speech but I heard her to say a word that I know is distinctly on parliamentary and I think she may want to withdraw it. The word was F-A-R-T. Nerd. Yeah. Big fucking nerd right. Sit down nerd. So her name her name is Elizabeth May

and I guess in some of the Canadian circles in you know politics she's she's known up there. Apparently she did this speech at some event maybe a year or two ago and she got drunk. So the lady who's against saying F-A-R-T is now god damn it. I'm really gonna lose my mind. I know. Why don't you just not play the visual for this episode. These are visual. They're visual drops. Okay. Okay. So this is let me see. I gotta write that down. 32. God damn it. F-A-R-T. F-A-R-T. I like how she had to spell it out like a fucking toddler. And since Perry Belgard is here I want to mention we stand on his traditional territory too and I want to say like what the fuck was wrong with the rest of you. You didn't notice we're standing on traditional

territory. Like what doesn't scream out First Nations about this stage. Well anyway. She said F-U-C-K. Yeah she's opposed to F-A-R-T. That is the worst word in the English language. I know and you notice that there wasn't like big laughs or anything. They were like no they weren't having because this is obviously like some type of gala. It's kind of nerd event. Yeah but I mean she's wearing pearls and you know people are it's black time saying you know. Oh she got her gown on. Maybe he doesn't like to be with humans. But the thing is now we know that's not true. He can do funny. He can do music and he still doesn't show up. I don't get it. I really don't. I mean he should be here. That's what prime ministers do. They show up to be humiliated like the rest of us schmucks.

Wow. Yeah. So she's kind of loosey goosey. She had a couple in her. Yeah that's the problem. She needs to get drunk before she goes to parliament. No shit. She could be like F-A-R-T. Why don't you suck on these T-I-T-S's. That's right. That's right. I'm the oldest one. I think you know this but I'm also the only leader with artificial parts. You do know this. I don't mean my boobs. I mean my hips. Oh my god. My hips are both artificial. Wow. The right side has a consumer malfunction part. The security guards. Sarman Son. You can tell them I squeak. I walk through the floor's department and the guards have told me Madame May. You cannot sneak up on anyone. Because this is a part they don't use anymore because it squeaks. I thought she was about to say her posty

squeaks. I'm looking forward. I'd like that much more. It goes some days like a chirping grass popper. Oh my god. Grass popper. Other days like a really bad squeaky screen door. I'm not kidding you. She's hammered. Some of you know this is true. I love it. Diamonds on the crevice but the thing is I'm the only woman party leader and I know what men immediately think because the poor boys they really bought into Freud. That whole sexual maturation thing on the Freudian scale that we go from the oral. I'm not going to eat the mic. Oh my god. The anal. God I don't want to think about it or the genital. Wow. I can't believe this is her. Yeah I know. But isn't it interesting like you know we were just talking about this yesterday. Yeah. When you

have a couple in you who you become it's really telling about how much you're holding back. Yeah when you're not lit. Exactly. And so if you're if you're like this when you drink this person she's repressing so right. Remember for who's offended by fart erupt my friend in her speech but I heard her to say a word that I know is distinctly on parliamentary and I think she may want to withdraw it. The word was F-A-R-T. The thing is I'm the only woman party leader and I know what men immediately think because the poor boys they really bought into Freud. That whole sexual maturation thing on the guys get stuck on this Freudian stuff so they immediately assume that I'm envious

of the things the boys have that I don't have. They assume that I suffer from classical Freudian debate envy. Oh my god. But I no longer do praise the Lord free at last. And she's like they're not giving her a big laugh. No she's bombing. This is called bombing in our business. She's eating a fucking dick sandwich. Yeah. But isn't it interesting that this is who she wants to be the woman that says crazy things and so when someone else does it in parliament maybe that upset her. I want to say F-A-R-T and then she you know chastises the other. Isn't that interesting. F-A-R-T. F-A-R-T. That's that on that but you know what I have a completely deranged and not there is no sequitur. This is a non sequitur.

No shit. You guys ever wake up with old theme songs from former black and white TV shows that you never thought your kids would ever see and they're running through your head. Like every now and then I wake up. I gotta hydrate to watch this. You gotta wait. Wait. They're cutting her off. They're cutting her off. A horse is a horse of course of course. This morning I wake up thinking them. Oh my god. She's ripped. What would you describe her eyes as? Her eyes? Yeah. She's ripped. No but look at her eyes. They're what? They're kind of. Glassing. You know. They are kind of glassing. Yeah. Just glassing. Kind of glassed over. Right? Yeah. Yeah. Wow. Yeah man. Hang on. Hang on. Wait you know what? They're trying to walk her off. Dude this is

embarrassing. Yeah. Wow. Well. Well. Isn't this interesting the one who's a tattletale? Yeah a little tattletale. Has the most shit going on. That's always how it is. She got a shit face. It's like those. See there's also if she was cool like if May was like oh people like her and cool this lady would come on and be laughing with her. Yeah. Instead she's like get off. Get the fuck off. Just like Ted Haggard and all these people that were hated the gays. Yep. They've always got some secret thing going on. Of course. Always. So she's so repressed this poor woman. Wow. This is so interesting. Welcome back. Who knew Carter was spelled K-H-A-D-R. Welcome back. Third track. She's being okay. If you're not watching this. Wow. The lady is forcibly removing

her from the stage. Like it's you know when like someone's done something it cringe worthy. That's the way it's being perceived. It's embarrassing. I wish I knew more about her. If I was more into Canadian politics I would know exactly. How come Canadian. I mean we have good politicians. Interesting ones. Interesting ones. Interesting ones. But the Canadians I think are much more interesting. Remember the mayor of Toronto. What was his name. Oh Rob Ford. Is he dead. He's dead. He was interesting. Interesting is a spin on maybe Rob Ford. Elizabeth May. Interesting. It's complicated. Prime Minister. I think he's a cool dude. I mean he looks like you might want to start training with him. Have you seen that bod. He's regular bodied.

No he's not. What is he. Trudeau. Let's look at him. You can look at him all night. You're going to probably put him in your phone and look at him when you're in the bathroom. There's a lot unusual about your speech list but we're going to pick up. Omar Cotter. You've got more class than the whole fucking cabinet. Thank you. Wow. And effing again. Effing again. And look how like unamused this lady is. Here let me pull it up for you. Don't look on your phone. I'll pull it up for you. He's smoking hot. That's what I'm trying to tell you man. Wow. This is like the Canadian Kennedy. Of course. That is super cute. I thought you knew this. It's like the Ryan Gosling of Prime Ministers this one. You didn't know this about him.

And now I listen to NPR. So I hear about Trudeau but I don't see Trudeau. Let's see if there's a. Americans are very self obsessed. We don't actually show anyone else's leaders. Well here's him. Here's him just glassing in. Look this is in. He's doing yeah. Look at this yoga pose here. Oh. Hold on. Whoa. He is just glassing. Yeah. Holy moly. Look at him. Jesus. He's doing like a what do you call it. Like he's suspending himself in the air with like an underneath a yoga pose. I guess they're calling it. It's like a cobra that's raised. Unreal man. This guy is like sting. Yeah. Let's see. I typed in. Let's see if you can see. Want to see this bod. Look at this bod. Jeez. Huh. He's got an Obama's got a bod like that. Oh I would say Trudeau's got one up on him.

He's more ripped. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Damn. Look at his family. They're all fucking cute and red. Yeah. Good looking family man. Okay Mr. Trudeau. Prime minister. I'd like to see him make another baby with her. I mean I'd like to watch. Right. From the from the corner. You want to tickle their pussies. Tickle the president and then just go wee wee wee wee wee wee wee wee. Okay. All right. Okay. Thank you. I'd say madame. There's diamonds on the crevice of your pussy. Stupid. Look how upset this lady is. I know. The lady that escorted Elizabeth Mayoff said did it the way. Did it like if you were at a wedding and somebody gave an insulting drunk toast and you were just like I'm so sorry. Right. So that's my aunt. Now did this happen before or after

the F.A.R.T. incident I wonder. That's a great question. Because I mean then she's really casting stones. Fart stones. Fart hard fart stones. Yeah. Unreal man. Wow. Unreal. Unbelievable. Really. Really. Do you care. Do you care. I got these new ergonomic chairs. Yeah. And I tried yours when I was recording that's deep row and they're the same though. And this one feels much better. They're the same. I must have been sitting wrong in that one. I did. I'm changing the lift on mine. You can change yours if you want to. Lift. How high and low it goes. Gotcha. I want mine to go lower. Okay. It's a little too high up. Oh interesting. Diamonds on the crevice of your pussy. Yeah. Yeah. There's a there's all kinds of good stuff to show you. You liked

the pussy tickling. You did not really like it. You were a fan of that. And now I have a lady who is very upset. Oh I should tell you this first. This was great about about breast ball and beach this week. So one of my good friends Steve came. He's one of my best friends. We were best friends in high school and you know we've remained friends all these years. It's crazy to think about right. I've been friends with this guy since I was 14 years old. 14 years old. Yeah. So that's a long time. That's a long time. That's when he knew you when you were a compulsive masturbator. Yeah. 20 plus years. I know it's nuts to think about that now. Yeah. So whenever I'm close he tries to come to a show. So he comes to this show and you know your old friends will really give it to

you real. So like you know I remember like a few years ago he would come to a show and be like that's you know it was pretty funny. Are you going to do a sitcom or what. I don't know man. He's like man whatever. I'm still a fan I guess but you know you're still not impressed by you. Yeah. Yeah. And then you know every little achievement you have he's like we'll like kind of check off a box for himself to you. Yeah. So this time he's like wow man there's a lot of people here to see you. Yeah he goes I mean this is different right. I go what's good you know there's a couple things going. It's good. People are at the show. He's like yeah all right. That's good. And then he loves the VIP treatment. So he's like he tests like free alcohol. Oh my

god it's his favorite thing. It's so funny. Like he's just like hey man tell him I'm here and tell him to keep the drinks coming. And I go okay. So I tell like the staff hey take care of him and I'll take care of you and and then you know he just kind of like indulges and he's like let me get two steaks and like show like that. So it's really exciting to get free french fries. Yeah yeah it is free. Free is just amazing. Bottomless mozzarella sticks in the green room guys. Like my parents entered with me and I think they're most like the part they were impressed with the most when they came to a show was they were like we got escorted in. They were like they were like that was cooler than the show. And by the way being a comedian those are the only perks is free green room free

food in the green room which is like everything fried. Free booze. Free booze. If you're a Burt that's like a lot of money. That's actually yeah that's a big deal. Like thousands of dollars. It really is. I know. But those are the only perks and then oh they let you in on the back entrance which is usually in the alleyway next to the dumpsters. Always next to garbage. So you smell you smell garbage as you walk into the club. Nobody knows that but I mean I don't know people do but they they'll pull you up in like a nice town car if you're lucky that week and then they let you out right by the dumpster and you're like all right showbiz guys. And it'll be like they're like oh this is actually where we just we collect garbage here. This isn't even actually

to throw away. We just keep it here. It smells so bad. So I walked by the yeah the vomit pile with them. They watched the show. They hung out. They left. So Steve comes in. He's like you know we're just hanging out the green room glassing glassing just hanging and then it's time. It's like what do you want to do. And you know he came down to see me. I go well next door is a bar that the club owns. So they have more pool there because they own it. Right. It's called copper blues. So they go we have a table for you next door. If you if you want to was he's buying just blown that like that VIP table at cover blue you have a table but they also send security with you so that nobody harasses you. He's like are you fucking are you fucking are you fucking

are you just fucking for real. And I go yeah but you know it's just like it's there it's their place. So it's not like they're not sending security with me to another venue. Right. It's the same it's the same place. Yeah it's like a security guard at the club which is what they do when you have meet and greets or something. Right. Right. Right. So anyways we go next door and he's like he's like this is fucking cool. Like this is fucking cool man. Security you know people are at your show like this is cool man. You're doing it. You're doing it. OK. Thanks man. And then I pull up my phone and he's like how many people are following you on social media. And I go well you know there's different ones on different platforms Instagram Facebook. He goes you don't

like Facebook. I'm not really into Facebook. I prefer Instagram and Twitter and he's like I like Facebook and he goes oh I got it. Put a picture of me on Facebook and tag me. Oh shit. You sure you want to do that. He goes yeah I go here I'll do this for you. So I pull up. I mean pull it up for you. I go yeah man this is going to be really cool. I'll show you. Because everybody knows if you really want to have a good day post a picture of yourself on social media especially on a comedian's right. Right. If you're any sort of if you're in entertainment or whatever. So you want to feel validated by strangers. Definitely post a pic of yourself. I take a picture of us and I said yo and I tagged him because he asked me to tag him.

If you want to feel I just wrote if you want to feel good about yourself check out the comments in this picture of us. Yeah. It has been commented on how many times here. 144 or so. It's reached 36000 people. How's he doing. Is he getting a lot of love. Is this one of those porn's where you fuck your ugly real estate agent because you have shitty credit. Yeah. It sounds about right. It says that he's a real estate agent. So it's there and it says I hope you're better at selling houses than you are at choosing Barber. Barber is you fucking slobs. Steve looks like a mediocre real estate agent with a crack addiction. One eye slightly art. Yeah. So far it's all positive. Right. I don't know what's going on here. It looks

like some guy went to Tom's show. They took a selfie and Tom posted the photo. He remembered the dude's name. What is going on. Tom you're not that fat. I hope that guy dies in front of his family. Jesus. Relax. Let's see. The two of you together probably weigh less than one fart Chrysler does. Truth. That's true. I just had a bunch of gay guys react to this picture. We ran out of lube. God. That's the one compliment so far. Yeah. Somebody said I just saw you the improv. Apparently the camera doesn't add 10 pounds. Jesus you're fat. Oh that's neat too. Thank you. Anyways it is it's a lot of that. You know. Yeah. So it's and it's it's it's they're all there's not a nice one in here. They're all you know. No. You look time to this guy screw you over

into real estate. Whatever. So he texts me please take that photo down. I cannot handle the comments and I was like nope. That's exactly what you asked for. Welcome to showbiz. Welcome to the spotlight. Yeah. So you asked for this. So I'm giving it to you. It's neat. Anyways pretty cool. Just wanted to tell you about that and another cool thing that happened Jeans. You know how I meet black celebrities a lot. Yes. I met Method Man. I know I dated him in the 90s. It's funny. You did not. And he had a show called Method in Red. That's right. That's right. Method No. He's part of the Wu-Tang Clan. He absolutely 100 percent is Wu-Tang is dangerous. Protect your neck brother. There you go. My mom's a big fan. So I'm in Fart Lauderdale

Airport because that's where I flew because it's direct on the six something flight. I mean it's fucking early. Right. And I had two late shows Saturday. I'm walking through security and who do I see to cow Johnny Blaze. You know the iron lung. I know him. So I look and I just I try to figure out what am I going to do. What am I going to do. We're in security. I just kind of lean forward. I see him and I stick out my hand my fist like that. And he just gives me he's like oh yeah yeah and he leans forward and nods and I was like that's perfect. Yeah. I was like it's right exchange. It was a I you know I'm a big fan I respect you but I didn't even say anything right just a little fist bump and it's like feels good. We get on I get on my flight and he's in my row

but across the aisle. So I'm aisle he's across the aisle but window right but same row. So I'm like shit man it's fucking methaman dude some girl boarded the flight and asked him for a photograph as they're boarding full paw big faux pas the the fucking lady sitting next to him has to get up so this girl can go sit down anyways the flight's a long ass shitty flight right it's Lottardale LA when we land I get out of my seat he leans in and whisper something to me and I'm like I'm like wait what and I really want to know what the fuck he just whispered to me so he gets off and on the jet bridge he waits a second so that I can walk off and I'm like wait what'd you say man and he goes that motherfucker never shut up and he goes dude in front of you

man I felt bad for you guys that was the whole flight he talked the whole flight he talked the whole flight and you know when someone like that says something like when somebody does that who you think is cool yeah so what you do even if you don't know what's going on you just agree with it yeah yeah yeah like I did yeah it's exactly what I did when he goes he goes you know I mean he's like he's talking I go dude some people never shut the fuck up like I made it my problem even though I had to zero problem with it because I never heard the guy right and then when I said that he was like word and I was like yeah man the guy would have shut the fuck up like I totally exaggerated that it bothered me and I felt like such you know like disingenuousness yeah because I was doing it

to make to make a mic to bond to bond more with him anyways I ran it and then we walked to the luggage together I'm fucking friends with method man did you get his phone number and stuff no I asked what he was doing shows and he said he's shooting some show tv show with John Singleton but yeah man it's it's nuts I have been a fan of his legitimately since 1993 yeah he's pretty big I've known him as long as I've been I've been a fan of his as long as I've been friends with Steve wow so anyways is he that's cool that's very cool James I wish I had more of an interaction with him you know but I took what I get I'll tell you though I've because I've seen rappers and airports fist bump and athletes yeah that's a perfect exchange it is with a rapper or an athlete yeah

just the fist bump because it's like oh I get it you get it yeah we're not gonna talk and I was texting friends obviously yeah you know my my good buddies from college and they're like you're getting a picture right and I was like no dude I can't ask this guy for like can I take a picture with you I mean I could have but just his vibe was like not like listen you know like hey man put it on selfie mode it wasn't like that yeah it's super lame he's not he wasn't in that and plus when you're traveling if it's early you don't want to you're not into that stuff and but you now you have a memory you don't need a picture you know exactly it looks like you know by the way he looks like exactly the way he looked 20 years ago wow like metham and hasn't

changed his physique his face isn't that amazing yeah I hope I get like that probably not I mean I wonder if we like let's just see um a comparison method man you think he works out a lot uh yeah I think so I think actually he takes care of himself that dude's like that's the secret either lean can I tell you when I see older people now and I'm like oh you just don't take care of yourself bro like it's a fucking it's voluntary to look like shit mostly right I mean unless you have some sickness or something geez yeah I mean I'm trying to think if he uh this looks like this looks like probably what what I saw him as right here you know yeah I mean good looking dude yeah the dude doesn't look his age you know no this is 93 right okay yeah yeah I remember you know but I mean it

doesn't look that different man no he looks better now yeah pretty wild looks much better wow look at that shit I wish I had an edible army go for him that would have been the move like oh yeah man you want like it's like you and me that's how we hang out he'd been like tom you don't know me and you don't know my stuff yeah man yeah look at all your fire even I know that to cow thing yeah I'm not very cool in the radio station that I managed in college so that was like heyday especially breakout years of Wu-Tang stuff you know late 90s so he has so many aka's that we wrote in permanent marker on the wall every time an aka of his came up so it said method man and there was like a poster and then in permanent marker on the wall it would say you know to cow johnny blaze

hot nick whatever iron lung and it was like it ended up being like fucking 20 long I wish comedians did more of that nicknames yeah yeah we need a case man that's me it's really neat jeans that's pretty cool I too posted a photograph of myself on instagram this morning yeah of me chilling in the studio here with the two dogs yeah a week ago and it's really nice to read the compliments like you look like a total mom yeah nice mom shoes nerd yeah what kind of fucking shoes are those yeah what are those nice sweatpants loser like it's it is nice to hear that kind of stuff but I'll tell you these slippers are actually the fucking coolest thing you love these things you talk about these constantly so I was I was in the airport I don't know two months ago and I saw this like 50 year old lady

on the tram that takes you and she was wearing these just glassing yeah and I'm like bro those look like the coolest shoes the most comfortable shits I've ever seen yeah and she goes oh they're called mahabas this is an english thing and I looked it up and I ordered it immediately just glassing and this is the dopest part these are house you can wear these out and about in the world but I wear them around the house because we don't have carpet and my arches are fucked since I had a kid but on the inside it's soft and then you can take off the sole which is cool it's plastic and you can wash this part that's the best fucking part you can wash the inside you can wash the insides because I hate slippers they get all sweaty and smelly and then you know what I'm saying

yeah you know I'm saying if you want to talk about I know exactly what it is yeah I know exactly what you're saying anyway they don't sponsor the show or anything but it's great to have like you know what I'm saying I'm always looking for ultimate comfort shoes of course I love vans but there's no arch support in a slip on van those like fucking tying shoelaces man I've also you've had them now for a few weeks and you talk about them constantly this is the best purchase and it's expensive it's like eighty excuse me eighty I almost threw up wow eighty dollars or something but uh but I've had them I love them good now we need a slipper for you yeah I do I want to get them because right now you got the ugg slipper with the open back style but you don't

like that mm-hmm why don't you like about that I like slip in and out I like that I like being able to just walk in like an Armenian guy yeah I don't want to have to pull up on the back right but what don't you like about your current oh those are just worn those just worn because the uggs that it's not that good because it's flat-footed too you need some kind of arch support in there I like a little warmth and I like ease and comfort of getting in and out of yeah I'm gonna find it for you I just found some aliases I wanted this is kind of going back to metham at the man yeah we're just for a moment okay the ghost rider johnny blaze meth mr. meth meth mr. meth hot nickels hot nixon hot nicks big john stud shakwan god a lot to call the iron lung metaphysical man to callian stallion uh john

john mclean john john blazini johnny dangerous uh the shallon assassin the blunted one john blazini the method man the heatmeister okay I just wanted to remind myself of those this is college memories all right so you guys make your own fucking aka list and um will you get me some slippers then yeah I mean I like to I feel like you you're wearing some bullshit right now right now I'm wearing flip flops because I came to find my flip slippers yeah man here's what I'm gonna do I'm gonna get you some on zappos but what you need is a material like soft on the inside and then free on the back yeah yeah that's what I need okay I'll get it for you um because a good pair of slippers can change your life it sure can I'm telling you because I don't like to walk around in socks

because it's my feet fucking hurt yeah it's not getting dirty dirty and then I gotta take the dogs out to shit and piss 500 times a day yeah and I don't want to wear normal shoes around the house because then the tracks and dirt and everything by the way if anybody knows it's listening why this hdmi cable makes the um like why the screen goes blank and then it pops back up even though nothing's being done will you please message me and let me know why that's why it's causing that and if there's a way to remedy that so I don't fucking you know shoot someone thanks um how about this jeans what do you think of this I swear on my fucking life who's been to my house on saturday has stolen my fucking 185 pound Gucci belt when I fucking catch you all Bob I swear on my life I'm gonna bang

every single one of you that was in my house on saturday Bob Bob is she saying Bob I don't know because for a second I was like is she blood in it like that arsenal guy love love love love and she's gonna bang everybody yeah bang them no but I'm sure it means hit I know right still she's still saying bang yeah she's real classy this one yeah she has her Gucci belt her favorite damn white people are just the fucking this ain't a joke team Bob there's a hundred eighty five fucking pound fucking Gucci belt that everyone thinks they can steal from my house Bob you're fucking mad Bob I swear on my brother brother brother brother brother brother brother brother brother but brother because English yeah people feel feet they can steal from my house Bob you think you can

steal my oyster cards my bank card and now my fucking hundred eighty five pound Gucci belt Bob I swear on my life I go bang every single person that was in my house Bob she's gonna bang every person that was in our house yeah like that and they also stole other shit this happens to her did you hear how it started no like they stole this and then my debit card and so there's people know to steal from her feel feet they can steal from my house Bob you think you can steal my oyster cards my bank card and now my fucking hundred eighty five pound Gucci belt Bob I swear on my life I'm gonna bang every single person that was in my house Bob on Saturday Bob I swear on my life I'm gonna bang every single cut that was in my fucking house on Saturday stealing my hundred

eighty five pound Gucci belt yeah yeah maybe she shouldn't let these assholes come over yeah I think you have a bad bad group of friends yeah bro yeah brov brov meet them at the pub love don't make too much ass if you fuck them all like you're threatening to they might just keep stealing stuff remember that story about the the girl that went to go bang the Wu-Tang Clan or had all of them oh yeah oh yeah down her throat yeah and by the way I knew it's funny you brought that up uh did you ask him about that well I I thought you were gonna say that and I imagined that like dozens and dozens of comments were gonna be like why didn't you bring up that blow bang most importantly yes like can I tell you the reality of it if I would have brought up that to him he would have been

like wait which city right uh you know how long I've been famous for right right like world fame like how many blow bangs have the Wu-Tang Clan done or him in particular because he's also considered like the good-looking one of that crew he's handsome yeah that's what I'm saying so like can you imagine like if I was like hey do you remember when you got a blowjob once on a tour bus he'd be like oh that one time yeah yeah I remember that no he'd be like that's like saying like hey do you remember that time you had tacos for lunch and he's like yeah no I remember I want an extra cheese on your fucking brother uh who's the guy the the sweet baby Jesus big baby what was his real name old dirty bastard yeah like yeah that guy was in the band too he's not a looker the hottest one's

method oh yeah so yeah I mean he's he's getting all of it yeah you could you know you can make obviously it's it's subjective but I think you know um Cappadonna Cappuccino yeah so like why did that happen right there why did that just pop I don't know it's the spirits yeah Cappadonna's definitely not cuter well no I'm saying that like he's also not even an original nine so he's getting like he's getting that trickle down puss he's not getting the which can't be bad no if you're hanging out with them all the time but if like one of them is like I want to blow method man they're like he's busy right now he's getting his dicks up and then who's second after method is what you're saying like who's after him oh after him methods busy you can fuck you can blow who's second

in line well you know you're you have like the um the CEO of it all also that carries a lot of weight a lot of power because he's the architect of everything method no RZA so like if you were like woo obsessed right he would actually be the the real achievement so you're okay so let's say I'm going to the Wu Tang Clan for a right for a blow bang yeah so the first gentleman I will approach is on the pyramid of the hierarchy of rappers in that group in that group I think it depends on that's what I'm saying it depends on what if you're talking about I want to blow the most powerful male RZA okay for yeah the RZA then the JZA well no hierarchy and that's not necessarily true I mean some people like but I'm gonna say RZA than JZA because I'm a fan of the liquid swords out oh I

got you that's the only album I really know and love yeah so I'd I'd blow those guys first that makes sense that makes sense and then a lot of people you know a lot of people hardcore Wu Tang fans are feel like there's just a supremacy dedication and and just you know something about Ghostface uh I forgot about him so he would definitely be but aesthetically I'm talking I'm going on aesthetically I mean you know I would say you would probably have JZA and method as the top two probably more traditionally handsome guys blowing JZA first okay and then I blow method okay and then I blow RZA you could and then Ghostface killer okay still got a lot of dicks hanging around kind of waiting to get sucked though I mean you got inspected decks just hanging out

there you know Ray Kwan's just like what about me man I'm having some ice cream I can't get my dick stuck right um there's a lot of dicks that if you go in you got to go all in you god uh he's suing them right now there's aren't they always suing someone in the Wu Tang well he's in the Wu Tang clan and he's suing the Wu Tang clan okay for royalties yeah yeah there's a lot of guys in that band that there's a I don't know how they're making money he's got a bad bite yeah but I'm how do you make money in a band with fucking 20 000 dudes that's a good question that's got to be a bad bad bite yeah it's a bad bite um a bad back a bad bad a bad bite you got a bad bite I don't know there's 20 yeah there's there's nine guys but then there's all these side guys and

that's what I'm saying now the now you know what I heard the guy in the rolling stones is pay to play the drummer yeah Ronnie Wood yeah I heard that yeah what were we talking about that yeah we were in Thanksgiving I told you that yeah which is so interesting to me yeah because I guess I cut out the royalties question right and he's paid to play it's it's paid to play he gets paid per gig I mean paid handsomely you know sure but but like rolling stones is only Keith and um Mick that's great yeah for those two bros yeah so like they get the writing credits they're that that's them that's their empire and they get the residuals they get all all that stuff brilliant but Ronnie Wood has got to be worth the fucking I don't have any millions he's getting

paid right but but that's the way to do I don't know if the Wu Tang structure their deals the same way I don't know what their deals are we'll see that that structure would be all all in Riz's hands so he's the owner so I blow him first for sure okay yeah now interesting well thankfully only hundreds of thousands of people hear this so maybe your dream will come true could you imagine me and the Wu Tang blow bang no hey guys no because you're not like that guys what I would not even know of course not gosh goodness gracious look at his little little bitty blonde yeah that'd be really bad for me hey guys anybody else a mom yeah they would really like that he's like your jeans high and tight I want to see if this lady can get her her belt

back or not all right most importantly yes you think you're fucking bad you think you're fucking bad watch all my life but I'm gonna fucking stop every single one of you don't even stop you but I'm gonna stop all over your fucking faces but I swear on my life but you think you can still with me but you think you can still with me mate well it's a lot going on here yeah well you think she has like gypsy blood you think or what absolutely gypsy you know she reminds me I have the bad girls club remember that one that was like uh oh yeah come on what's her thing she goes you say no you know I need my privacy you know what I'm saying she reminds me of that no like that kind of that that character yeah no oh you know what I'm saying I got no privacy

I can't no no I know what this is called in England what a chav a chav I think it's a chav that's their white trash that's their version of like ladette a lad that was the best reality show that was the best ever from from ladettes to ladies yeah we fucking loved that show ladettes to ladies this is the best show ever and it was really great I don't know where to find it now if it still exists so fucking I think people feel they could come to my house and still off me you little champs you little tramps look at you you tramps I swear you are all tramps you're tramps tramps tramps tramps fucking little tramps baby hearing that whoa there's people in the background like what are you doing when I fucking catch you oh bub bub bub bub what bub bub bub bub

can't yeah bub bub bub bub hey bub bub bub bub bub bub bub bub bub bub bub bub bub bub bub bub bub tramps tramps tramps tramps tramps tramps tramps tramps that's good that's blue bands work right there good job blue band that's funny man oh super good super damn good man jeez I love these angry videos brav brav brav brav brav brav brav brav brav brav brav brav brav brav brav brav brav I swear on my fucking life who's been to my house on saturday has stolen my fucking 185 pound Gucci belt she really hates you 185 oh not the weight for a minute I was like no she had a belt away to 185 does she win the UFC championship god brav brav brav brav so you and I were watching football last night yeah and I've noticed that every fucking time football's on Kelly

Kelly Clarkson shows no Carrie Underwood one of the two I don't even know who it is honestly I don't know but that she's on every time there's football yeah Carrie Underwood and she's cute as fuck and she's really talented I really I like her actually yeah but that fucking football song is the dumbest thing I have ever heard in my entire and it's so boring too it's like she's a it's Sunday night we're gonna watch that football Monday night football on a Sunday night we're gonna watch that ball get thrown around it's Sunday night like Jesus Christ who wrote this I know five-year-old wrote this song it's so funny you know what happens you get conditioned to these things yeah so for me it's just background noise I don't hear it but then when you point out like when an outsider points

it out then you're like this is so fucking dumb because it is every it's like ready for the football and they have like this it's all like a pop video right and now they have like the football players walk by and go like yeah and like wave they're all gonna blow bang her later yeah and then then the lady's like we're gonna play football you're gonna love it tonight yeah stupidest song I've ever heard yeah it's so stupid football Sunday on the Monday night Sunday on the Monday night gosh I used to love there's a couple of theme songs that I liked um there's I like the old-school college football theme song let's see if this is it or not from it was years ago

oh this is good I like this there you go I'll tell you what I like this is better which it's nice so it's like a marching band I like it

that just reminds me of what are they doing over there glass it's long as fuck yeah well this Jesus Christ okay um it's no carry underwood but I'll take it let's see let's see if the uh everybody likes football and she looks cute she looks amazed yeah and then stomping around and high-fiving I like this one a lot yeah I can see some dad donors playing this in their garage Kevin Kevin it's a good theme though great but this is better than let's play football tonight

yeah I just want to hear the instruments yeah everybody likes football you like it too this would be a big swell here it's a good song come on that's actually that's a that's a song there you go that opens that's it man that's American right there they should have just bring that shit back yeah but you know what's good about carry doing that song is that she's so american like she's so apple pie i know perfect for it middle america is like fuck yeah i want to

catch that football too carry come on old girl yeah yeah you want to play football we all like football that's how i feel like the uh the song should be like that that's what it is yeah that's except it's like honky-tonky somebody has to help me with this hdmi question i like football i like football it's so much fun it's tasty lactoritos now what's the name of the stadium they played in last night was it these staples uh oh right fedex ups i'm sorry fedex ups fiji water stadium let's see where that last i think the game was in seattle last night so what did they name i don't know what the name is corporate oppressors fucking i don't know it is something the corporate oppression it's definitely there's definitely a

score a score starbucks kentucky fried chicken mcdonald's burger king venue nightmare bloop bloop bloop bloop bloop bloop bloop bloop bloop bloop wow they fucking dropped a hammer on him last night jesus 40 to 7 i didn't even realize that um i haven't muted good let's see where they play i don't even know the name of it it's it's like a famously um oh century link field so surprising that sounds like fun can we mommy can we go to the century link i know field god what a bummer let's see we go to the codac the codac gallery auditorium uh so many are named after banks i know the chase national stadium guys yeah the wells fart go arena i know we did this once and i forgot okay here it is

okay kansas cities are still awesome that's arrowhead stadium oh thank god yeah the cowboys play at at&t the panthers play at the bank of america stadium god seattle is century link oh boy jacksonville plays at everbank Washington redkins play at fed x field fedex cleveland plays at first energy stadium what a bummer detroit plays at ford field which makes sense ford yeah when they car industry sure yeah atlanta plays in the georgia dome which is cool okay it's still called something normal new england plays at gelette stadium that's neat miami plays at hard rock stadium hard cock pittsburgh plays at hinds field which well that makes sense that's from there uh green bay lambo which is the only one of the only traditional ones san francisco should be our favorite

they play at levis stadium oh boy those jeans man you go because they're all the levis companies there too that's right philly plays at lincoln financial field oh boy that's a bummer so the lincoln financial now the rams are playing at ellie memorial coliseum but that'll change when their thing is done right because who bought that well no i don't remember but they're that's they're you know they're building a stadium for them so that's definitely i wonder who i forget as some horrible if i can the colts play at lucas oil stadium oh my god yeah there's mercedes benz there's met life new era field nissan stadium god what a fun authentic experience here's the only other cool ones are oakland alameda state coliseum paul brown is where the

bangles play uh raymond james where the hamper plays and soldier field chicago still plays a soldier field um god yeah they're terrible names absolutely terrible it's it's a it's just shameless shameless yeah i know it's a bummer it's nothing just named and like the rose parade no like we have to call it yeah the city bank rose parade yeah they pay so much for naming rights i mean it's unbelievable we're talking nine figures oh i bet just to be able to call it because they know yeah and then every week when they go we are here live at uh u.s bank stadium yeah yeah so you know what your mom's house needs to buy naming rights an auditorium or maybe a public restroom facility no i know we need to do what's that we need to sell naming rights to this place oh that's oh to the

studio yeah that's a great idea welcome to another episode of your mom's house live from chipotle studios you know that's a great idea yeah that'd be really cool right chip only be a great sponsor i absolutely no from arman hammer studios right colgate we should have a tooth sponsor and and all colgate studios or um what is that toilet paper we get we could do that shaman shaman studios that even has a nice ring to it live from shaman studios there's so much toilet paper here and we say it at the at the very top right then we go yeah of course we'll say it you guys give us a hundred million dollars and we'll say it every week welcome back to shaman studios yeah back from a break it's live from shaman studios remember that show this has nothing to do that just reminded

me we we happen to catch that show uh out daughtered yes in tlc about the quinn tuplets yeah and that the woman that stays home with six kids five babies one year old babies and then the like five year old daughter right i mean and she's really got such a better attitude than we do about child rearing sure we you and i are exhausted at the end of the day with a one year old with one oh yeah one year old yeah and she's like well they're challenging she had a by the way we love they had an amazing disposition they weren't like i know we're fucking wrecked right i don't mean would be like oh my god twins would have just put us one of us in a hospital i know and they were just like well these five we feed and eat and they were like fine they're very spirited oh boy you're really it really

makes you feel lazy right like i do i'm like wow have a fuck i guess when you're in that position though you're like this is my reality you surrender because you can't be like this sucks no you know you have to be like that's why i do you can't if you're five babies deep in the game you can't even acknowledge that it sucks ever because it's too late you're all in you're all in for the rest for the 18 years five it's so nuts now imagine if they had our arrangement where i had to get on a plane and leave you i can kill myself now you'd have to have live in help live in yeah because we have a you know our lovely wonderful nanny but she goes home of course and also i don't like to have my kid raised entirely by another right person i like to spend a lot of time you want to take

that pussy too you know right right yep did you see our sassy uh our our sassy nanny shoes today yeah she had real sassy shoes on today she kind of had like like uh date shoes i was like hold on i'm gonna say it was it was quite a thing you know do you think do you think girl yeah come here let me tickle your no thanks i don't need this drop not diamonds on the crevice of your pussy okay can we play finally i've been dying to play this the guy who sent in him doing the starbucks oh yeah it's the way that we put out the um what is it called the the challenge call that mommy challenge the jeans coffee challenge and this is how you do it the way this guy did it is exactly how we do it tom and i do this every time you order from a starbucks or from a fast food place do this

let me see where you gotta start the revolution what uh you forwarded it to me to your personal my personal oh here we go bitsy is such a jerk last night we gave them both t reat s's and fief was chewing his chaunt his bone yeah and schnitzel was just hot just glassing him yeah remember she was right she's not scared of him not scared zero not scared at all she should be so what we did is we told everybody when we get drive-thrus especially we go to starbucks a lot we order our coffee we always call the person jeans and mommy and mommy we say both you know um but the way he does it this guy he really nailed the right way to do it right because you're supposed to do it like you're

supposed to go kind of you know kind of fast you make it sound like you're saying the right thing it's almost like you're saying sir or man right yeah you know like excuse me sir like you do it like and you make it hard yeah nonchalant it's all about nonchalant and and just make it a throw away you don't want to draw too much attention right right you wouldn't go like mommy hello mother no no mommy i want to get yeah right very chill all right here he does it great let's see good work hey there what can we get for you hey mommy can i get a venti ice uh he's on a coffee with cream and uh i'm gonna do a grande bold with uh cream and two sugar in the wrong two sugars in the wrong you said yeah and that was a venti or a grande grande grande bold with two sugars in the wrong

did you say cream yes okay anything else that's all you can travel enough thanks jeans yes that was fantastic that was perfect that was absolutely fantastic thanks jeans that's exactly how we do it that's exactly how we do it yeah what's a bold bold he ordered a boy i have no idea is that a drip coffee flavor maybe uh maybe tom i don't know if you know this but in the summer who was this uh 1997 i was a starbucks employee this is tom sorry tom is the one who sent that thank you tom yeah really good work great great work yeah hi mom um he goes hey mommy that's exactly how you do it hi mommy you know what's really insidious that they started doing through at our starbucks drive-thru is they go hi would you like something to eat today yeah and they and to the

to any normal person you're like of course i'd like something to eat today but we're trying not to be fucking fat fucks yeah but there's also this thing about they know that people order drinks at bar stocks yeah but now they're encouraging food right because so they're like and they're so aggressive so aggressive it's it's it's recent yeah it's the last few weeks where they've been like when you pull up and they know you're gonna get a coffee so they just start they go they give you some food today and you're like no they're like you sure you don't want anything to eat come on fatty eat something done and then when you're done and you go that's it they go you sure you don't want any food yeah and you're like they sure you sure about that fat fat fat you sure about that you

don't want fat fucking piece of shit and you know what she did to me yeah last week i was there with lj in the car and she's like you sure you don't want something you don't want like a cake pop or a paste and i was like dude you're so sneaky i'm like no i'm trying to be good dude by the way i just saw on our on our cheat sheet here yeah the tickle pussy guy is orlando brown he's the former star of that so raven no yeah no wonder he's so handsome and he was arrested in february 2016 for hitting his girlfriend while parked at a police station and also having a meth on him and now he's at the full finger ring that he makes instagram videos with the what is it called a full finger ring a full finger ring yeah because it goes and then he tickles

pussies with that yeah so he was on that so raven yeah he's got those actor good looks that's for sure yeah you noticed that he's handsome so we have another a couple other emails can we want to get into a couple other ones yeah water champions solved it said oh boy i don't know i don't even know the kind it could be you i don't know i don't know what it says hi mommy's i was masturbating in a fart porn this evening jesus and began to wonder where's the come right which naturally led me to wonder about the evening the never-ending debate of who the true water champion is in head to head sports that are combat oriented traditionally gender weight stuff like that are considered christina peas clearly the female water champion okay well tommy's undisputed male water champion

right so the female asterisk is unfortunate for mommy t or is it there is a loophole tommy and alias dj dadmouth are both openly non-binary the fact that they whose pronoun is currently unknown are openly non-binary excludes male considering the rules of gender fluidity tina has the option to become male long enough to simply the killer both feel and me male female titles within seconds of each other this would also make the fluid champ in several respects tom does not have this option due to his rigid stance on being non-binary neither gender tom may have the title of genderless water champ should tom choose to claim it in order to keep his browns violent and his genes acceptable case close wow sincerely jesus christ wow so that's um

yeah that's a that's a dissertation on it so he what he's saying is i can claim the title if i claim my gender fluidity now hold on he's that's what he's saying i don't know i mean i've got it i've got an email update do you i've got a report on you uh from wet balls beach from wet balls beach tom where's the cum tom's water intake this this weekend in wet balls beach he writes i am proud to say the champ stayed hydrated his entire set and topped it off by annihilating an entire bottle in one sip it was truly inspiring and i in turn went home and drank an entire gallon and stuff like that truly enjoyed the show and can't wait till your next time in south ball beach now i will say paul to my friends cheers it's the first time you've

drank water this entire show let the record note that i've been drinking i've been hydrating this whole fucking time and i have two primaries to be fair though no this and that this is my 38th glass of water today liar i've been keeping track i wrote in the notes you know you always say you drink water off camera yeah or you only do it on continue i know i just wanted to say that this is possibly the very first positive uh tom drinking water report that i've had yeah so it sounds like you're deliberately doing some so are you proud of me or water posturing oh now it's pot you're not even proud well i'm just saying it's about time you stepped it up and he's pretended that you're the water champ i'll just be proud i am that's why i fucking i'm encouraging you to drink more water

you need to pee clear also can i read another one sure just an interesting thing just wanted you guys to know that there is a town in oregon called brownsville interesting now i think isn't there one also in tejas yes there is wow what a neat world well we know where we're gonna retire that's for sure speaking of b-holes dear mommy's in my 34 years of life i've been doing something we all do every day wrong apparently it wasn't until i saw numerous times on the television actors wiping their b-hole in the sitting position that i realized i must be the only one if you didn't guess already i wiped standing up i don't know why i don't know why not okay when i realized this was a situation i asked my wife she was astonished and bewildered to the fact that i not only wiped

while standing up but i also thought that everybody in the civilized world also wiped standing so i tried to do it the normal way and found it incredibly uncomfortable stand up grab a cheek and spread with one hand and wipe with the other that's how it's been and that's how it will be my ass is clean don't judge me your thoughts rob koon yook what do you think i'll tell you what i did before the washlet well i would also ask him are you seven because i think that's how they do it too jesus spread and then wipe stand up can i tell you what i used to do what real talk before the washlet 350 e okay i would do a combination of both if it was a difficult wipe now this is before or in lieu of the shit to shower these are hard to fart on hard to fart on hard to sit on

doesn't feel good sorry i had to get that out you know you look like the cause the cosby look on your face was like when the cause would be eating a hoagie and then claire would catch him and then he's like you know he pretended like he didn't see it well he's pretending did you hear that one or no barely heard it i don't think they heard it either please continue i don't know what i'm talking about oh you said okay okay so this is this is if i don't do a shit to shower yeah before the washlet i would do a combo of both meaning i would do an exploratory yeah first what's going on in here what's going on yeah if there was if there was a lot happening i would do some sit down wipes and

then i would stand and then do more wipe standing so i would do both uh-huh what are you saying yeah i mean i i'm a i'm a i'm a mostly sitter here's the times i i've stood to wipe if i'm having a real itchy ass whole day and um let's say i'm out yeah and i'm i don't know i'm in a department store right i'm like jesus right when i go to check i won't sit down to check i'll check standing wait wait wait check the paper like you'll get like i'll be like i'll be like my ass is itchy right so what i'll do is i'll go in the bathroom i'll wet some paper yeah but i'll do a standing wipe yeah yeah that's like yeah yeah i won't sit for that one no because you're not shitting right but if i would you i won't stand to wipe and this guy's obviously mentally ill but

yeah i i disagree i've often done a sit and then stand to finish up the cleanup yeah yeah that's not that crazy he's good somebody wrote um you know we had the the nfl butthole debate i talked about josh potter right he also did um wet balls beach with me this weekend had great shows yeah we were talking about what position has the cleanest a hole yeah um this guy writes the cleanest a holes has to be the center if they stink the quarterback will let you and the whole team know because your hands are on that guy's taint makes yourself conscious can't wait to see an atlanta thanks mitch um interesting thought i mean i myself played center for um you know many years middle school high school oh um yeah so you really have an interesting perspective on this i do

and he's right you are more your butthole is in your head sure because you're you lean forward your butt spreads a little bit and the the quarterback puts his hands under your asshole and on your taint interesting yeah you know what i've been thinking about my asshole because now i do pilates twice a week and i'm like i really like i like to shower before and after pilates because she's right there yeah her nose is so close to everything yeah as i'm sweating and everything i feel bad for yeah yeah this guy writes long listener with a short response behold debate i feel like you're missing a major category here i feel like the worst butthole category goes to the coaches dude that's really funny interesting just picture robin rex ryan wade phillips the

list of disastrous old man holes goes on yeah i want to thank both of you jeans for my making my week enjoyable interesting tyler no that's there it read it read on the meter but these chairs are not optimal farting tears they're not good farting chairs they're not good farting chairs that's gonna be a problem for our show yeah i mean this chair this show was made for farting so i kind of don't know you know it would be an optimal chair for farting what's that uh elementary school plastic yeah chairs well you know what happened elementary school you know i i did it again i sat on that step stool and i i spread down i sat and i farted again it was crazy sounding those are great step stools step stools because first of all it's the plastic but it's also the deep squat yeah

because you're you're squatting down all the way and it's in our child's room yeah isn't that interesting yeah what a neat thought i've done an update do you want to hit the music uh yeah you gotta prepare me for this more i told you i had one time you didn't tell me that before i just thought this was interesting in in lieu of our okay we have a lot of contractor people around okay is it a listener dental update yeah okay we do me a favor will you encourage me tonight to do my whitening trays i i've tried for years no i'm asking you to tell me tonight i feel like bitsy has whiter teeth than you i want to do it tonight will you encourage me or no all right if i remember okay so this comes in uh mike writes in i thought this was pretty

fucked up i'm a construction worker and i was recently working for a contractor whose denim is the lowest and loosest imaginable after asking for the correct tool for several weeks because the one i was using was unsafe and someone was going to get hurt it finally happened the socket blew off into my delicate chompers and blasted about four of them into how do you say oblivion whoa right luckily enough i only have to get one fake one oof and this thursday i am getting the other three composite and crowned and wait how did this happen what kind of tool is he just says he was asking he doesn't say what the socket flew off but wait of what like where is he working he's a construction worker and he's been asking he says he just said i was asking for the correct

tool and he doesn't say what he was doing wow uh anyways three compositing crowns so i only have to walk around looking like a cousin fucker for a few more days damn we'll send more photos after my tifers are high and tight that is unbelievable terrible that's crazy oh i'm so sometime around march i will get the fake one after the implant has healed up enough jeans up i'm so sorry mike that is a terrible terrible terrible i'm sure you can sue the fuck out of your boss though by the way jesus i know right there's probably but he's the kind of guy i'm sure like kind of they're just like ah they're like people get their teeth knocked out here this is what we do yeah but he's he asked for the proper tool that he needed to get it that's right but you should fucking have someone pay for

that um i don't have a dental update i was flossing very hard around my crown on the side and i think it's i think the crown it's time to be replaced jeans we got to go to the goddamn i know we do dental updates every week we haven't gone to the dentist i know well after the new year after we've settled a bit i don't you don't want to get into the dental work now i know life is chaos right now let's make the appointment yeah i am all right we have a closing song it was submitted by dj boy butter and it's called mommy farting in your face okay thank you sounds like it could be pretty good let's see i have not heard it yet but here it is here it is goodbye guys hi mommy's i'm a chicken freak i think i eat chicken like i don't know how much i eat you gotta mind how you

got my z you know what i'm saying foreign you know what i'm saying s8 art store yeah foreign you know what i'm saying s8 art store yeah i would say five hours before foreign you know what i'm saying s8 art for me i like chills for me s8 art for me i have come all over my face for me i don't you know you know you know you gotta hold yo oh