Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura - 374-Your Mom's House with Christina Pazsitzky and Tom Segura

Episode Date: December 14, 2016

This week, the mommies dive deep into the world of Orlando Brown, get festive for the Holidays with an amazing Instagram singer, discuss the weight loss competition and much much more!

And we're back welcome to another episode of your mom's house Jeans are you ready to glass just glass ready to go glass or what? It makes me happy every time Happy every single Single to me too. It's such a gift that yeah, I was testing out this new stuff we have You know a new monitor and everything and I was just playing with it And we were running audio and video through it and we just use that clip and

Still man still just glass He gets so excited So ridiculous all right, let's start the show Do you want to start the show with a clip? Oh, no Holiday spirit or do you like Christmas spirit or do you want to do like a silly silly man? Well, we did a silly man last week. I'm gonna do Christmas and you love the Christmas season I love the holidays. Yes, I do too. I love the Christmas And I don't want anybody with diamonds on the crevice of their pussy. No, no, no

So let's just that was so gross and I hate that you keep singing it around the house I know I know it makes my asshole pucker every time. All right, let's do it. Let's start the show And let's get let's get in the holiday Christmas spirit. Here we go. Let's glass Sure close enough Oh Don't bring anyone loving to this Christina I

Yeah, if That sounded weird to you it should it did because we have a replacement computer right now because my logic board Was fucked. Thank you for everybody that messaged me when I asked all those questions last week my MacBook shot So, right that was so weird. Yeah, so I have a I don't have like my normal drops I don't have my normal shit. So I didn't I realized I didn't have the intro. So I had blue band Record Basically a version that's played somewhere, but he doesn't have the actual real deal Yeah, so we don't have all of our drops. No, but I have some you know what what you know

What that's gonna mean is that we have to invent new ones. Oh, yeah, not only that But I do I do I did actually got me into something. I'm really excited to do glass for a glass all fucking day but the other thing I'm gonna do is I Went into the archives and you know, people don't realize I think we get 500 plus legit emails a week. Yeah, like I'm saying not spamming. It's like, you know people listening and writing in and You can only spend so much time, you know Yeah, basically we had to hire someone right do it and then blue band has another gig too So he can only kind of get through so much and prep all this stuff for the show. So

The other day when I when I sent in that computer to get fixed. I'm using this one I went into the archives and I realized there's songs. We've missed and really yeah And then other times this thing we've talked about that before too, which is songs that have played But only once and you know, that's such a good fucking song. They're so amazed Yeah, and they just come and go and we were so lucky that people send us amazing shit. Yeah, we only use Forget yeah, what are are these dicks? Yeah, there's dicks on her tits. So I can't keep looking at it so for the listeners that They don't watch the show we put you know, we try to put this up on on YouTube every week

Right now the clip of the jingle bells lady. She's She has I guess almost like pink biker shorts. Yeah, but they're pulled up over her pretty sizable midsection Got right. I mean, it's a whoo she right there. Yeah, big question. Then she has a hat on and She I don't know the blue band said he he doesn't think she's well a hundred percent, but I don't know But then she cut out paper Drawings of dicks and there are they what's what's used on her tits to keep them there? So she rub shaving cream on her tits and then she put paper dicks on them and then she's saying jingle bells

Well jingle bells They doesn't well she said jingle bells. I think she's I think she's Spanish. Yeah, she's she's doing the best she can Yeah, let's see here. Let's see. Let's just got the spirit. She's touched Yeah, that's a very Spanish way Oh You know what's neat too is when Yeah Pretty sure

I think hon. Do I really want to know I think she said este navidad di le no alpene, which is this Christmas Say no to dick. I think that's what she said. I you know what I love is when People do it in the bathroom That's what she said it's nice when people do art in the bathroom Yeah, why the turlet because the acoustics as you can hear are fantastic the toilet and then it sounds good You know all the tile and yeah, I don't think she's that deliberate. Yeah, but what do you think inspired her to do this? And why the I? Mean I understand jingle bells because she's obviously in the hall, but why this Christmas say no to dick

And oh my god, my thing just went to sleep again Why that you think well, she's got a dick problem. Oh, yeah, yeah, he's got a problem with dick So you got to say no to dick What is the problem she has you think she well she finds dicks on the internet? That's what I'm guessing. Yeah And and they're probably not good dicks So wouldn't the solution be just go find better dicks you'd think that Yeah, but she'd rather write a song about it and put it on the internet

It's so amazing to me that people still do this shit. They don't even think about their families or their jobs What's going on jeans? Help me out man. Keep talking. Oh, I didn't realize I Have an interesting story. I need your help with Tom I'm gonna need you to pay attention to me eventually, but I can set it up because I've told you the premise already I went to what Washington dick come. Yeah, how was that so much fun? It's really fun a lot of mommy's great club I and be honest I had such a hard time getting through my sets because The audience unanimously they were all shouting. You're the water champion. You're the water champion

Oh, it's about me. No, no Christina. You're the water and it was like distracting a bunch of losers went to your show No, no, they're all winners. They're all mommies But I want to go over something that happened to me Mm-hmm So I took a lot of sloppy dumps while I was on the road Yeah, because we don't have the the wash let there You know, I think you also said this before sex the other night. You're telling me about this About the sloppy dumps. It really was right got me like so

This is a sexy story Well, that's why I wanted to bring it up on the show because we talked about this last night before we did it You know really turned on so I thought maybe turn on the audience So I during the day I was hanging out just glassing in my room. Mm-hmm, and I had a fart That it was a hot fart, but it didn't feel like You know, yeah, but then I went to go pee later And I just like I went to kind of wipe it up down there and there was brown on the toilet paper Oh my god, so I'm gonna fucking bomb

Was that a shark you? We but No, I need help was that a shark or was it just a little bit of leaky, but you know what I'm saying You went to pee right and you wiped your badge. Well, I wiped down. You gotta wipe down You wipe front to back and I do a thorough like wait front to back on a pee wipe Always a badge front top down. You always want to push the urine towards the brown So you did that right so you did that and there was brown Yes, so I wiped but I was like I kind of graze my beehull now

And I always do just to make sure nothing's going down there and there was brown on the toilet paper So that makes me think Tom was that was that a shark? I think I think it's quite obvious that you absolutely sharded. Do you remember the fart that? Yes, did you have how soon before that pee wipe? Did you fart? Well, that's I was in bed and I was reading and it was like a hot fart Yeah, that's I'm saying I didn't feel brown coming down. I just felt okay Oh, that was a hot one and then I went to go potty like 20 minutes later and there was a brown on the paper Wow But that but that but then I had but here's the other part. Yeah, tell me the other part the brown lot

And this is where I need to help Yeah, because I took a really hot messy brown that morning because I had Hotel room coffee and I it was messy and sloppy and I had to go shit-to-shower on that one So my question to you is do you think that that was The never-ending wipe like a residual from my hot brown earlier probably was you didn't mention that when you brought up Did I shard because if you just give me the information I farted and then I wiped when I peed and there was brown there You sharded, but now you're telling me there's a big brown messy wipe earlier But see messy brown

Then it probably because I have those sometimes where you're like, ooh, and then you go later And there's all this brown there But but but here's the thing is that I showered after and usually after I shower it means This is another thing you left out right, so now that first of all really sexually aroused Really turned off not thickens the brown thing and well that's I'm saying I don't know what is it was it a true Shark was it a post? You know leaky butt situation. I don't know. Yeah Yeah, it's it's really interesting. Well, what kind of shark tell me about sharks in your past

So maybe I can compare a shark to just an like I farted after a bad dump basically and maybe it pushed some more brown out I've sharded. I mean, you know handful of times. I'm trying to think of the most recent one Well, what's it like in your underwear? usually usually a Shark doesn't necessarily have to get that far because like your body alarms you so quickly It's like a butt clench thing takes place. You know, you feel the brown coming down I mean you you feel like whoops

That's more than a fart and it's like still in between your butt cheeks. I've had one remember we got that um Down in the South Bay that it was like some green It was we're making those blender drinks smoothies. Yeah, but it was like All it was called like ultra green or something Green all day powder. Oh, yeah Dude that thing I remember that start That was standing in the kitchen And I was like, oh, here's a cool fart. That was liquid though. Everything felt it come out

Oh, it's it it completely soaked the back of the boxers. Yeah, but that was Not I mean not your standard. I mean, it's in the shard scale for sure But it wasn't your standard, but that sounds to me is that a shard or was that a shit? No, well, that was a shard I mean, I went to fart rain and some shit liquid came out and that's kind of that's to my point I went to fart and some a little brown came down and brown came out. Yeah So that must be that I'm I'm leaning towards a shard because there was so much time in between my shower And then that fart that happened and then also that that's my second shard because the first one happened over when We were flying to Africa

When I shard that's the only second of your life of my life of my life now post childbirth That hole isn't as yeah taught is it used to be and I fart constantly I can't hold in a fart you've mentioned that and I've also noticed that and observed it and witnessed and Absorbed it. I farted a lot in public on this trip like when I was on the airplane I just farted the entire time. Yeah, but don't you fart on airplanes? Yeah, don't you fart any like free fart, right? Just pound farts into that chair. Yeah, of course Because nobody can hear it. Of course Now I have another addendum to this topic. I

Farted on the plane. Have you ever had a fart? And I think your dad just brought this up recently that didn't even smell like your own So you kind of question like is that my fart? I'm smelling or somebody else's. Yeah. Yeah We did talk about that my dad was saying that he's discovered a new fart smell right and what I had was that I flew a few weeks ago it was when I flew to Philly and Somebody was ripping big farts. Yeah, and and continuous or I was like fuck It was the same smell and you're like god damn it And then about three and a half hours into the flight

I farted and my farts smelled like that fart. That's so quick. That was weird now Do you think it did you guys eat at the same place in the airport, baby? I don't know man I mean, I guess it's possible anything's possible. It's magic. I don't know fart Moses. Yeah Yeah, speaking of by the way That's Elizabeth May and you remember that we Fart a few weeks ago dork. We played her I'm sorry. That was me bits. What happened. I moved and she got startled and barked Usual. Yeah, she gets very scared. So a few weeks ago we played her

She's the lady who in Parliament was like you shouldn't say fart remember Excuse me, but I don't think she's very courtly to say a parliamentary Yeah, why isn't the government talking about how to maintain skilled labor? Yeah, Michelle Why isn't the infrastructure minister talking about how to implement infrastructure? Yeah. Yeah Back to work in Alberta. Yeah. Yeah, why does this government treat Alberta like a fart in the room? Yes, nobody wants to talk about or acknowledge Oh, I thought I made that happen because we both did that that guy's was trying to hold back the laugh Of course like a fart in the wind the Honorable member for sanich gulf islands

He robbed my friend in her speech But I heard her to say a word that I know is distinctly on parliamentary And I think she may want to withdraw it. The word was f a r t Tattletail super tattletail, right? No fun. Not a jerk. No one likes you. No fun. Yeah, nobody likes you that then at the I forget what it's called, but it's like the the equivalent in Canada of the correspondence dinner, right? I like the canadian party Yeah, so where you know members of government and journalists are together and it's you know, it's a little bit looser night

But she she appeared to be Hammered at this thing and was escorted off So we showed you last week very bell guard is here. I want to mention We stand on his traditional territory too and I want to say like what the fuck was wrong with the rest of you He didn't notice we're standing on traditional territory. F. What doesn't scream out first nations about this stage And no one laughs. No, she's bombing. She's bombing and then here later There's a lot unusual about your speech list, but we're gonna take off Look at her

Seeing escorted off. He's got more class in the whole fucking cabinet. Thank you Wow And uh, that lady looks problems. Yeah, this lady looks mortified. She was playing a song from her cell phone into the microphone She was so drunk. So then um, you know, we made it a big thing Obviously we played it on the show a lot and then we were sent in um Her appearance after that Yeah, so after that she made it to

Oh jeans All the news shows in canada Now we've been talking about this all morning about comments from you by the thousands as a matter of fact And we want to hear from elizabeth mayhers She is in ottawa this morning. She is she at your time hung over as may. Thank you for being our guest. Thank you Weirdo Her teeth me wait. She's got the perfect smile. It looks like a perfect smile as in really but it's it looks like she

She puts it in like you do like it's kind of happen Dude, oh, well her smile is not for you have apologized I know in interviews with other news organizations this morning having perhaps seen the video again Any comments you would like to make additionally? well just To make sure that viewers know that what I was attempting to do was to as you do at the press gallery dinners And I know old journalists know it. I don't know all canadians know it that the annual press gallery dinner is an attempt at humor and often

Playing against oneself in ways that are self-deprecating and doing things you normally wouldn't do See, you know what you know what sucks about that is that it's a um She's making an apology non apology. It's I'm sorry. Not I'm not sorry. I didn't do anything wrong But I'm here to do this. It's the worst man. Yeah, you know what you know what the right answer is The right answer is I'm yeah, you know what I had a few too many. Yeah bombed. That was terrible Next yeah, just just why can't you just admit it? It was a it was a it was a night of fun times and I went a little too far I got hammered. Sorry guys. Yeah, have you ever had a drink too many?

Are you is everyone here above that? right Various shticks sometimes shticks they fail and mine did not work at all Oh, see that's the idea that I was attempting humor and failed. I take full responsibility and I certainly apologize, of course Yeah, well, that's good. She needs a lozenge. She did that there. She said she did take responsibility She goes I try because it wasn't my intention ever Do uh to suggest to Canadians that I was making a speech I was trying and obviously failing badly

I delivered with those bottom choppers and had I behind side I should have realized that having traveled so much in the previous 48 hours that I was probably too sleep deprived Oh Sleepy to me didn't seem tired See pretty alert pretty pretty groggy. Maybe seem like you might have been down for uh For a long fun night ahead of you. Yeah, she needs to get those bottom teeth Fixed to match the top the bottoms are yellow. Yeah, so I'm wondering you said you got that Rudy Giuliani A lot of people really wondering. I mean, yes, it was the parliamentary. His are horrendous

Rudy's are and he can afford nice teeth. Yeah him and the guy that wrote down an abbey Yeah, that guy julian fellows julian fellows has a horrible bottom row He's gotta go up a every Below the stairs Below the stairs is where I walk the help would live in Downstairs now you see yeah that you would never rest your back against a chair and Elizabethan time It's a melon spoon. It's only full scooping

melons This gallery. Yes, it's a different animal, but you're still in front of your peers. You're still making public comments You know that still people have smartphones. You know, you know all of that. So so what happened? I got wasted What happened? I was so tired. Yeah, I was so tired. My tits almost fell off That's like when when people are go to rehab for exhaustion in our business like, oh really I actually think that could be real though exhaustion. It's called drogas. I think and mental illness I think if you were to do like the more I've toured when it gets back to back to back nights I could see you going needing like to check out

Yeah, but don't you just stay home for a month like that's the thing is it at home? You still have shit pulling at you. So what do you go to a mental hospital? I don't know. I've never had it But i'm saying I could see how if somebody said we're checking you into a facility to not think about stuff for But I don't think there are facilities. That's like the four seasons But that's what they do is they go checking they check in somewhere for exhaustion. It's a mental health facility But I'm saying I I could see how that happens I could see how it happens too, but it's usually because it's coupled. I think with drugs drogas and mental illness

I don't think it's just like you're tired I think it's more but I think at that level of work load where you're Traveling that much like day to day to day and performing and like have a I I think you could be drug-free Mentally ill free and and have it happen. I do think it's but then where are you going? You go to a mental hospital because you're you're well, yeah because your mental state Isn't well, but you're not mentally ill. You just have worked yourself into a state of Literal exhaustion. Yeah, I always thought it was code for I have a drug problem. I need to go and get help I'm not disagreeing with you. My say my thing now is that I actually want to check into one of these

No, that I think it's real. I think it's actually legit not drug related. Yeah. Yeah, I get exhaustions There you go. Go check yourself check in today I thought that I could do something edgy and humorous Given that I am in parliament the person knowing over the last four years my record in parliament what I've tried to Arti, I never hackle I never swear. I'm respectful to everybody. I've gotten the idea that has skit material It would actually be funny if I was different from how I really nobody cares. That obviously doesn't work, right? She's really giving the explanation, but she thinks that people know her well enough like it. You know what I mean?

Like maybe there they do. Elizabeth's so special Maybe there they do. Yeah, but she ate shit. She ate her she ate her tits So they don't know her that well I guess not I have I have to ask because many of our viewers have commented after seeing the video through this morning Was alcohol involved? Yes. I don't think so, but I think I was very sleep deprived and I'd work to 21 hour day I don't think excuses for myself. I should not in hindsight have thought I was capable of pulling off an edgy So she drank uh

Yeah, that's not a no No, I don't think so as I drank but but I don't think it affected me that much And they did serve wine with dinner not denying that but I think it was primarily I mean, it was just whatever wine the waiter served at our table. I hadn't been too much of an explanation Over that's what I don't think that was a factor, but obviously that's what people are saying on online Yeah, she's like I'm gonna I'm gonna omit that I I um I had six Yeah, and then I had that xanax before the party xanax. Yeah, and uh I'll just be like is it why it's the wine and everyone else drank. Did I have special wine?

Was there another glass? Did they give me an extra fucking? I don't think so I had a bread roll. I think um, she gave such a politician's answer. Like Jesus christ. Just go. Yeah Yeah, I know I remember but she did at least own she was like I was trying to be funny and I just hate shit Well, remember wasn't barack the one of the first people to berry. Yeah, remember when berry was like, yeah, I smoke pot Yeah, I inhaled yeah next question and it was so much better She's like I smoke cigarettes too. I love cigarettes That was kind of story He was like that was the hard thing for him to stop doing smoking. Yeah, he stopped smoking

I think he smoked even into the beginning of the presidency So rad and then you know, they're like, you can't be the president But he's in great shape. Yeah, I mean physically he's physically fit dude. Yeah, he's in Trudeau shape man. Yeah Who do you think's in better shape rock or Trudeau Trudeau? Yeah, he's younger too. Yeah, he's younger. How old buried? Barry's got to be probably at this point right around 50. I think late 40s or yeah. Yeah, yeah I think he turned 50 in office. So Yeah, he's probably 50-51 young president. Yeah, um, uh, old orange sauce. He's uh, he's 70 So he looks every year

I'm a politician not a comedian and that went really badly. Okay. There you go. Well, she did she did actually do what we Demanded it. Yeah, we demanded as people you don't represent we demanded that you apologize that way I need to tell her what to do with their life. Yeah, I just you know Now you need to get a perfect smile. Elizabeth. We should send her one Can we find out where did we can send her mail in parliament? Yeah, that's too bad. Her smile is really bad Really bad. You know what the what flop the perfect smile is They only cover the top Oh, if it's the perfect smile, it should also be the bottoms. Yeah, that's true

Um, I got it. I had an idea to try this week and one of the note it is. Yeah when you hear It means that we're going to do our Our plugs then our travel plugs our live stand-up plugs So that's what that's the code for you like. Yeah So Just real quick. We'll do it fast. Um, I don't know if there's any left, but I'm at the um ice house Uh, oh, actually this is after that. Sorry. This this already that already came out New Year's Eve. I'm in Orlando, Florida horn it up

five shows Um 29 30 31 New Year's Eve is a special event just a fyi. It's always gonna cost more Um, than than any other night of stand-up comedy at a comedy club Um, then I go to Kansas City Kansas City Um And I'm gonna be there doing my thing and stuff like that at the improv first week of january Then ox ox hard in the ventura county at that levity live the new club

That's also in january and then my big Uh theater tour starts the first weekend. I have new whorlings louisiana hotlanta Uh, hordja Then clear farder and then tala hussey doing a florida state. I'm very excited to go Um, and then you can go to tomsaker.com and look at the entire List we've added shows in a bunch of cities. Um added in chicago

portland We added in Mamiapolis We added in detroit So it's a it's a good thing Those tickets are going where christina just was by the way. Washington dick come march You're gonna be there going to march club was announcing it saturday sold out. All right, friday has some left I know it's it's far ahead of time, but those tickets are gonna go

So if you want to come I suggest getting your tickets now genes Uh, should we announce february 12th? Yeah, we should announce that we are doing your mom's house live At the irvine improm now, we don't do this show live very often It's hard for us to usually travel with baby jeans. Yeah, but Irvine totally easy So february 12th the 7 p.m. Show get your sunday. It's a sunday. It's a sunday. So it's nice and early on your sunday night You're not gonna be out too late. Uh, you can get those tickets On thousand ranch dot com. Is it up on your site genes? Yes At the Irvine improv and then may fourth and fifth I go to phoenix fartnix at stand-up live

May 19th and 20th new york city finally. I am doing New york city jude dork titties a gotham comedy club. Yeah, I'm so excited to do the city proper I've done everything else in new york except the city january 16th to 17th san francisco manfran disco at the punchline Hello Fantastic clubs and that's it for now, but stay tuned there will be more your tickets already on sale Yes, go to thousand ranch dot com for ticket links But i'm super stoked to do this show live Oh, this is gonna be really fun february 12th you guys

A lot of you have seen it live or some of you seen it live dallas houston seattle with the san diego We've done the ice house a bunch This will be the first time in a while san francisco. We've done a bunch too. Yeah, this would be fun It's it's gonna be great. They're always wild And get your tickets now because those do tend to sell out. Yeah, we sell the fuck out of your mom's house Yeah, your mom's house live is gonna go it's gonna go pretty quick. Um, so check this out I uh, I'm really excited to do this f a r t say f a r t like dude just this morning We got about 25 emails just between Jesus just in the last few hours. That's what I was saying. It's it's

It's hard man. It's hard to keep up with everything, but this is what happened um So I started going through emails because I I was like, I don't know if I what I'll have on my computer Yeah, I found a bunch of songs some of them you've heard before some of them. I'm I'm certain you have not Um, one thing, you know max neumann. I love max neumann. Oh my gosh one of our all-time hall of fame Musical people. Okay. Yeah, there's like there's ghost crew. Obi-Wan can only Obi-Wan Max neumann ollie. Yeah, zeezer. Um, there's this gaping dad guy. There's uh

tpk, I think he goes by Um, there's like who made like home run songs for us Well max I never knew this was in here when I remember when I was trying to find a dj name. Yeah, so he was like he sent me Drops like dj's play With different names because he didn't know what I was gonna be. He's like, are you gonna be dj brown town? dj gene briefs dj beard flake dj meat farts DJ aseline dj bear denim. It's good. So he sent me to listen to how funny So this is like if I were a dj, right, you're coming out of a break. Yeah. Oh, no

Especially the twos dj That was good. Yeah We'll make you a mommy So lame so retarded. Yeah, it's great. It's great. DJ brown town in the mix. Yeah. Oh my god This is the the horns, you know Down in the mix Yeah, you just got caught up in the bear trap

With dj denim dick The bear trap is my favorite. Yeah with dj denim dick. I really like it dj denim dick is really good I like you just got caught in the bear trap. Yeah, you just got caught up in the bear trap That's hilarious, man. That's good Good work. DJ raw stuff making those denim skirts hit the floor It's so retarded DJ. Yeah, it's perfect. It's absolutely. I mean he's fucking 100% He's glassy. What a talent. Yeah, he just is just glassy. Yeah. So then I started pool songs, right?

I mean some of these you'll remember some of them you might not uh, I don't know if you've heard this one You heard this one before sounds like kmsdm. I like this is a tpk This song is called any cum in those balls Speaking of tpks I love it Oh my god, it's so good That's what I just said This is stupid question

Fantastic It's so good So good this song is good enough to actually dance to it a club Yeah, like if you played this and people are like, wait, what the fuck are they saying? Yeah, I just dance like this is hilarious This is um, let's see what this is. You got any cum in those balls? This is ren one is the artist this song is called cheerio hitler. Oh, no, remember from the hey hitler days Bye darling Oh

If you don't know, um That's that's the hey hitler girl. I guess we should have given you some Reference in case you don't know there's a dany dany Makes youtube videos and she um, she begins a lot of them by saying hey hitler as if he is Watching well, we discovered that hitler might be on you. Well, we think he's in argentina still just only communicating through youtube watching youtube videos Commenting on commenting and dany is one of the few people that knows this so she reaches out to him a lot There we go

And then they put hitler's speech in there Cool Then this there's another yeah, it's really good. Yeah, you know This was uh, that's good. Oh, yeah, I remember this. This is good. Brian and amanda Because she says that This is this is a script from one of her videos So good So funny

Jesus Yeah, because it's like she's asked that's a great song. Brian and amanda Um, let's see does that pop up? No, then there's tophoroi made. Hi mommy. Hey hitler Hey hitler People still say hey hitler when they see me live. It's pretty cool. Yeah, it's kind of not the best one you want I That was the saddest Your teeth are white. I whiten them. Looks good dad mouth. You had the shit last

That's really a cool story Ladies and gentlemen completely different bottles And to me it's no competition Hey Thanks, is there any hitler porn out there? Oh, yeah, we put That's a clip for that Incredible pure pure

You know, I don't know more, baby It's so weird Mike Mike Mike Mike you're you're that's what's up with robin right task Do you think the bottle really tastes different? What is what a skill right really talented work good? Yeah, then that we have um What is this ollie zeezer? made the double-plied classic song So you're hearing that pop correctly it should be there Oh

This is my favorite this one's fantastic. This is my favorite do blip blip classic I shadow dog. This is one of my favorites. It's so good. Yeah Do blip blip classic. Oh, I love this one ready. Let's jam out. It's such a jam Yeah But He's so fast I shadow dance with my hands Finger in my arms

So good. So good. I shadow dance With my hands Finger in my arms. Yeah, these guys are so talented. Who is this? This is ollie. Oh, yeah You gotta tell you the best thing about ollie too He used to submit songs under a different last name like ollie starts with an m I forget what it is and then He changed it to zeezer Like halfway through. It's great. Well, I like ollie zeezer better. It's a great stage name. It's a great stage name

Max Newman who we were talking about He I think I played this once Um, when I when I was on rogan, I was telling him about problems made by dicksoft Yeah, and how I wanted to make that a song. Yeah, so then he made a song right out of me talking about that Wow, you know Oh, I remember this So good You can play this too

This is better than 99.9% of the dog shit that I hear as music today Yeah, I'm amazed all this music is better. He works the conversation About this You'll see it's like What is it Then of course, um tons of of burt is fat songs, you know, like A lot of people It's been like three weeks

Fantastic so talented. Sorry. I don't know who this is. It's not in my file. I'm sorry. It's so good It's crazy anything out there Where it started that lady How long have we been fat shaming bird? Oh for a while now Since the summer It started around july or august. Oh, I love this one. This is gaping dead. It's really good This one's fantastic. I haven't gotten a voicemail from her in a while. Yeah from salami. Yeah Oh

That's the scott the irish guy How about a salami song? I wanted to know what that farce More Yeah It's fantastic to me are that the person who's leaving them never hears back and then there's a This is great. This is gaping dead also. It's a song of vocal fry And

So good anyways, I was just totally impressed. I love it. I'm blasting Oh You guys seriously blow us away if you um If you want to send in your song For submission to be played on the show The email as always is your mom's podcast at gmail.com. There's no house in the email Title so your mom's podcast at gmail.com Yeah, I absolutely love it. Love it. Love it. Love it

All right, I'm excited jeans your uh Families coming this week. That's pretty exciting man. The lj is turning one Yeah on wednesday. Thank god. It's I know been a long year and i'm stoked that he's won It's really great. We're gonna have a party on saturday your mom your dad coming. It's uh my dad's coming He's one year old It's so crazy Some people say one years old. I know it's it's not plural one year old. Yeah No, a lot of dumb people say one years old. I know stupid

It'll officially make him a toddler, right? I think so I think once they start walking they're considered toddlers What about this person? Do you think do you think this person is also? Hi everybody Hi, how you doing? This night this night I want put everybody claro because everybody is confused with me my nigga I'm not a baby. I am a man nigga looking my fucking down nigga Oh

Yeah, is that what ellis is gonna be like? I don't know. I am not baby. I'm 22 years old My name is janitor 22 years old. I am my friend santo domingo He think he has that disease like the webster the webster thing where you're like, oh man, what an adorable black kid He's like i'm 38 man. Yeah, he's a forever puppy. Yeah Yeah, and then don't talk to me You look like baby. No, my nigga. I am not fucking baby. I am a man, my nigga Okay, he's real serious about it. Where are you from? Uh, santo domingo, uh, dominica republic

Love dr That's where we saw a hardcore pornography in our hotel room. Yeah, yeah, that was the best hotel that we ever stayed at Man, I wish we would watch so much more. I was like ready to like just do that for a few days That was so funny hardcore pornography in our hotel channel 69 too. Yeah So weird. I remember at the end we took a survey. Yeah, they said, what was your favorite channel? And I put 69 with a winky face. Thank you for the free pornography. So weird to say. What was your favorite channel? Yeah, it was on the survey. I remember dr And they don't think like americans, you know what i'm saying. Did you have a favorite channel while you were here?

what Okay Oh, baby, bro. I'm turning fucking two years old nigga Here he is He's really sick of being that disease. Yeah people are what if what if next week It's uh our son's birthday party and we

Give him the cake and he makes his wish. Yeah, and we say happy birthday And the first thing that pops out of his mouth is I am i'm a nigga He's so right I'll be like you are your father's son. I'm not a baby That'd be so fun. You know what? I'm actually a little if he said i'm not a baby. Yeah, I'd be hilarious I'm a little concerned because of

The the aggressive farting and burping that you and I do in front of him Now he's starting to understand a lot of stuff. He understands all everything that you say Yeah, he can't really talk back But like we have the fart chair in the morning that you've been sitting on. Yeah, and that it's gonna be a problem Our son's gonna have problems. Yeah Don't think he's not going to be doing that. That's going to be his future wife Yeah, and that's going to be like he'll be making videos like hey ellis here got another big burp coming up I'm getting ass ripper as a child. Yeah

But I but guys I don't I'd rather have him date a girl that can do this Yeah, and some dumb dumb sure some girl who's like uptight and lame Oh, what kind of girls uptight and lame girls that don't rip them like that Yeah, I want him to date the kind of girl who's like I have come all over my face I have come on my God I hated that lady and remember when the guy called me gene That was so great the electrician Jean

Jane is everything. All right, and you didn't correct him. That was my favorite But if I was like it's genes Polar all sir He would have been so confused, but he also would have been oh, I'm sorry genes. Yeah gene We got more somebody else sent A drive-thru or really? I love these. Yeah, thanks mommy. Let me see if I can thank you genes Forward this thanks genes. Thanks mommy

Can I tell you another thing that uh, we were talking about at breakfast this morning? Because ellis is one almost one year old now and he can finally kind of feed himself like he'll He'll pick up whatever you put on his little tray and like mash it into his mouth Yeah, and I remember your sister maria when weston Was about I don't know six months old. Yeah We were like, oh is he eating solids and she goes. Yeah western loves salmon and

Menchego cheese and you're like, there's no way a six month old baby like salmon. He's like he loves caviar That's cargo Beluga caviar only and sushi really don't babies want pasta and like Cheerios my our son lives on cheerios Yeah, there's no way if we put salmon down he'd be like fuck your salmon Salmon should taste nice. Oh, why are we so nasty with your salmon? He loves he likes smoked salmon

And he doesn't he likes it. He likes it. He actually likes that on a bagel. It's interesting Yeah, she's so crazy with that shit, man on a bagel. I give him a whole bagel. I'll let him chug on it Yeah, so fucking weird dude. It's it's weird. Yeah. He's uh, she she has her own way of doing things For sure. So what are you looking forward to with your folks coming? Um, how are we gonna mess with your mom most importantly? How are we gonna mess with her? We're gonna burp in front of her in front of the kid and she's gonna probably get upset about yeah I'm gonna do that stuff. Oh, nothing. I want to do is have her read a ridiculous copy like come in here

Be like, hey, I need you to do this. Yeah for my show and just give her like have it written. What should we have a read? Oh, just I'll have her read Yeah, wrap stuff Just resay drops, you know, and have her do just glassing. Yeah Dude, should we sit? Should we show the glassing thing? Glassing glassing. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. However, do you just glass him? Um, I can't wait to see your pops dude. He's my fave. He's so top dog's adorable He's gonna love the baby You know what I love about your dad is that he has no problem chilling

Your dad is the chillest like he'll come I can I know now they're gonna come from the airport And then he chills like too hard too hard. Yeah, I'll come he'll come in for five minutes and be like, all right Let's go back to hotel. Yeah, I got that's how by the way That's how you know, I've done a couple father-son trips with him And he wants to do he was wanted to do one this year I actually regret that I didn't and he wants to do one next year. I'm like, yeah, of course We'll do we'll do one so he

He goes Like we go on trips and we get there and he's like check in, you know, I guess I'm neat You're like, okay And then you go and as you're eating he'll like let's go back to the hotel and chill And I'm like, okay And then we get there. Yeah And then we're like in bed like, you know, we're like sharing a room. He's in the one bed and Why is he he's like, it's good time, right? I go, yeah

And then he's like, all right, we gotta get dinner somewhere and go see some shit or something We do that and then it's like, let's go back and chill again. That's what he likes to do. Yeah, that's what I like to do Yeah, I mean, I mean, I guess I kind of like to do it too, but he's like an extreme version. I think can I tell you something the only Bummer part about having a kid for me. Yeah, is that no chill? No chill time. Yeah, and for me I'm I'm as lazy as your dad. Actually my natural state is reclining constantly. Yeah, and I really like that about him Yeah, he'd like and by the way, you've picked up the habit of I'm done eating. I'm gonna go And you get up and you leave remember we were eating dinner last week and you first of all, there's no talking now when you eat It's like silence. I have to talk to ellis. He doesn't talk back. Yeah, you just it's silence

What what happened silence and then you get up And you clear your plate and I'm like tom. We're not done yet. Oh, and I are still sitting here. But then what did I do? Fart no, I stayed right because then you go. Oh, yeah, sorry. Yeah. Wow. Wow. Do you hear that one? Yeah Yeah, I don't know man. I'm sorry. Yeah, sorry. Yeah, it's gonna get worse obviously. Oh, I know We become our parents. It's inevitable. I know signed up for this shit. Yep What do you think? I Fucking love this shirt. This might be my favorite favorite favorite ever ever ever. I want one so bad glass and shirt Yeah, okay, we're gonna mess your one over today, right? Yeah. Um getting one over here. I'll have another one shipped to you

Um, oh my god. I love it. It's such a good design. Yeah, anthony at uh Merchant method who we work with I did it just glass and just glass just glass. It's so silly. It's so good Just glass and glass It's so good for the hardcore fan. It's gonna cry, you know, you know what? In the audience in dc, my favorite thing was to see everybody's shirts

Like and you could see it from the beginning of ymh. There was an old school top dog shirt There was some theo shirts. I know there was you with cane Yeah, it's so rad like to look out. It's like a catalog of all the memories of the show And you always like kind of connect with somebody. Yeah, of course Oh, you got a double pipe classic shirt. You're good. What's up, dude? Yeah Double pipe glass. So we're really excited. It's the just glassing shirt. Um, just glass Order now try to get it in time for Christmas Just glassing

That's so stupid Yeah, he's he's his super his stupid sounds Just glassing So stupid we made sweet love last night Yeah, and you showered beforehand. I thought that was really when you stop with that like that's a deodorant What are you talking about? And you brush your teeth. I do that every day. What are you talking about? Not all the time Yes, I do No

Nonsense not before we make sweet love which is this would have played after we had sex You just got caught up in the beer trap That would have been cool Just glassing Um, well, I really love this shirt. Yeah, it's great. Uh, go to tomcigura.com click on the store And it'll take you to our our our merch page. Hey, I have a I have a would you rather you do I don't have would you rather music but give it to me. Okay. Are you ready? Yeah, okay? I came up with it today Okay, okay, would you rather?

Make browns. Mm-hmm without the use of the toto washlet 350e Oh, yeah forever or Not be able to floss forever Wow, you have to choose between going back to taking mushy bear dumps Or going back to being the disgusting animal who doesn't floss. I would take No more flossing Wow, walk me through the logic. Well, I'm thinking of first of all first of all, how much I enjoy the toto washlet

350 350e and all of its magnificence and Just unbelievable technology and I love the clean feeling of a post brown washlet I know it's like impossible to go back. You can't go back in time. Yeah There's there's times, you know where I've Wanted to floss whatever don't floss. You just don't floss. You're like fuck. This is whatever, but you it's gross It's gross, but you go. I don't know. You know, you you still can rinse your mouth. You brush your teeth you You could get a water pick. You could do all these things that are Kind of substitutes. Let's take out the water pick. You can't do that because that's a form of flossing. Okay. Well, I think you could still

You could be really more thorough about your brushing. You could do more thorough rinsing. It's not it's not the same But you're that's not the same But it's like do I want to floss and then have that dirty, dirty butthole all the time and I think the answer is no Well, here's the thing is that I would choose Not having the toto washlet 350e only because I just go shit to shower anyways like I feel like that's always been my toto washlet sure but Not flossing like you know how it is after you eat a steak And there's just chunks of meat in your yeah between your teeth. There's nothing grosser. It's disgusting

It's disgusting and if you can't like brushing doesn't always get those chunks of food out. I know you have to floss Yeah, it's pretty fucking gross to not floss But it's just the way it is man. Yeah, I'm gonna I'm choosing. It's a would you rather No, I know what we're opposed on this. Yeah You would take no more browns, huh? No more clean browns. No, I would just go straight to the shower Like I always did before the toto that was kind of your That was kind of I feel like there was a would you rather that I really liked there was you sent it to me Really? Yeah, I'll you want me to find it? Yeah, okay. Just talk for a while. I'll find it. Okay

What Just talk for a while. Yeah, sometimes you guys send really good ones. So I um, uh, let me see Is this the one that's it? Would you rather? Nope, that's not it But I know there was a good one Yeah, you forwarded it to me and you go, oh, this one's great. Let's read it if you can find it. Here it is. Okay, ready go for it Oh Okay, you are stuck in a small queen bed motel six hotel room for 30 days

With either king ass ripper or john sockers Full on carrying out their famous antics. Okay pause right there just to inform people king ass ripper Who normally I would play a drop of his the fart god He makes the the fart videos and his tiny whitey's and he just Lays in bed. Yeah, damn He gives double thumbs ups as he lets out like these crazy long farts And he's got like brown stains in his underwear and he's it's horrific, right? Yeah, john sockers Oh, he's so vegan enthusiast who makes songs about veganism and he has the vegan vagina

anyhow, he he makes You know ridiculous songs Comedy songs all about veganism and he's totally made a video where he wants to eat every woman's vagina if they're vegan I'm so stupid. Um, okay, so that's just a setup So there's those two you share a bed with them have no contact with the outside world and no form of entertainment Other than whatever you and your person of choice choose to do for fun John sockers is allowed to bring an acoustic guitar for his only. Oh my god

The king can bring one extra pair of clean underwear food and drink are unlimited, but you must follow their diet choices exactly Which will be delivered through a tray slot so as to avoid outside contact Whatever they choose to eat you eat who becomes your 30-day roommate? I hope contemplating this fantastic choice makes you reveal those million dollar smiles Appreciatively, steven right. Thank you, steven. Wow, right the comedian famous comedian. Right. Thank you for listening Um, I think that's a really good. Would you rather got me to thinking personally I like

King asterisk or more. There's no there's no question for me. Oh no But 30 days locked in a room That is disgusting to be with him. It's vile. It's it's revolting And i'm gonna go with shot john sockers. Oh my god. And here's why Annoying. Oh my god Is not as bad as revolting and I feel like He would annoy me. There's on some level. He would um, you know, he knows so much about veganism that he would educate me I'd be like, all right, I'll learn about this. Yeah, but that's annoying. Yeah, but I'll learn. So I'll be like, all right

I'll learn. Um, I would end up probably wanting to write a song with him So I would be like, oh, this is sort of get out some creative juices. Yeah have some fun Eat healthier. He's gonna feed me his diet. So I'm gonna eat healthier So it's gonna be a healthier 30 months 30 days um, if you live with King ass ripper for 30 days, it would be kfc bake beans beer

He would fart All day every day to the point where they're gonna be probably shit because he he does brown. He shards like you did All day. Yeah, it's gonna smell like fucking hell in that room. I know it It's gonna be torture. It's not 12 hours. Dude, but listen, it's only 30 days of your life 30 days. It's a month of your life. So you eat poorly for just nobody else will eat eggs. Don't forget. He likes to eat Dude, he farts on them first. He's gonna fart on your food. He's in charge of the food I know so but here's the thing john sockers will try to lick my vegan vagina the whole time You're not vegan. He'd be disgusted by you. Yeah, but I'm disgusted by him

At least king ass ripper is not a sexual fucking predator John sockers is too sexual for me and it will creep me out and he would try to hit on me the whole time Have sex with him king ass ripper has no interest in women as is obvious because he puts out fart videos and burp videos I think you're so far off on this one. He's no interested in sexually and that would be The main reason I'd go with king ass ripper and I like farts and burps. I laugh at them a lot It's really a laugh in that room. Yeah, but you open a window. What do you think my life with you is like? It's not that far off if you think I'm on king ass ripper's level. You are There are some days you're almost as bad as ass ripper. Yes, dude. No, there's one Muhammad Ali, okay

There's one and there's one you put that goddamn fan next to our bed So you fart into the fan. It hasn't been on since we've been here and then the fan blows the fart in my face You've been doing that for years. I am I am used to this. I'm turning that fan on tonight I am turning that fucking fan on tonight F. A. R. T. I'm used to this kind of behavior to me. That would be like you Entity whitey's for a month. Thank you your honor Come here. Let me take a look. I don't like that guy. I Love that guy. I hate him. I think he's awesome

Uh, so nasty time last week we played I think his name is Orlando his I took it this way. No, I don't like it. I got new stuff for you. I took it that way You got diamonds on you pussy bitch. Oh my god I like him So Turns out we were like, uh, who is this guy and he's a known guy. He's uh, yeah, he was on that's so raven

Which is so is that so raven Orlando brown is his name. Uh, he did vlad tv and interview. So Check out the diamonds in the crevice of your pussy guy giving an interview. Oh my god Well, speaking of speaking of raven and mickey mouse. You had that line and no fear. Yeah You know what line i'm talking about. Yeah, tell me any mice just tell me any mice to suck my suck like raven Dude when she was black when you hit that rat attack. I suggest you you nigga scat. Oh my goodness. Yeah. Well, I meant just that Oh, yeah, wow. That's pretty good. What do you mean to say? Like raven did when she was black. I mean, I told you in the first interview. I mean she gave me

And I gave her some Yeah Oh, wow. So he's saying he ate ravens Box. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, she's pretty. There's nobody. There's nothing weird about that. I'm just saying that he has an interesting way You know what's so interesting is that you and I have been going to tender greens lately. Yeah become our jam Yeah Yeah, god bless Thank you tender greens. You and I are huge fans. Yeah, and lately we've been seeing people with throat tattoos a lot

And he's got a it's a good move I think if you're looking to Put yourself into an a cat in a unique category Where there's opportunity There's um originality There's no no threat Perceived threat. Sure of your behavior. It's it's the it's the choice to get a throat piece throat piece and good for customer service Absolutely when you walk to the register

Yeah, we went to our tender greens And this really cute 20-something year old girl super nice. I mean super sweet, but it's an aggressive Uh, it was a cat. Yeah, right on her throat like a big one too And I imagine when she envisioned it it probably didn't feel that severe in her mind Right, and then when you get like a black cat. Yeah, it's pretty severe. It's it's really she was like five feet tall Yeah, it was so tiny tiny. She's like her head down looking at the register and looks up and you're like, oh my god Yeah, and there's another tender greens employee. Yeah that has a throat tattoo as well There was two throat hats are aggressive so aggressive

I don't know what it is about tender greens, but their employees are covered in in aggressive tattoos Yeah, not that I I don't oppose it. I think it's entertaining. I know but I'm not so sure That's where you want to go as a business model. You know, you got family people coming in there Yeah, and not everybody's as open to the throat tattoos you and I are no no it does limit your job choices. What do you mean? You wear tender greens You work at a tat shop. Yeah, the job stoppers, right? You work at a knife store There's tender greens the knife store. Yeah, what was the other one pet store? Maybe I think you want to stay away I've always you know retails hard. I think face is not the best idea

No, and then I also want to throw in throat I think I think it's an addendum to the face tattoo Yeah, that you had. Yeah, clearly either you're Mike Tyson And that's it with the face tattoo. Yeah, very few people can pull those off very very few And by a few I think we mean one Yeah, it's it's always a lot. Okay, would you rather Get the throat Tattoo of the cat like the one that that girl has

Yeah, or you get the Tyson and it's as an homage to him and people know that you and he are quaint I think that's that's a little much on the fanboying out to be like, hey, I got a tattoo like you did on my face But here's my thinking. Yeah, is that if you were to do the face tattoo and people know it already They would go. Oh, Tom's a girl loves Mike Tyson so much that he did an homage. He's crazy. Tom's a girl is mentally ill He's mentally ill, but you're gonna get that anyways for the throat tat. Don't you think? Throat tat's really scary to see I think um I think with face they go like, okay, I know what I'm dealing with here And I think when someone sees that throat tattoo, they're like, what am I dealing with right?

It's a new level because I feel like the throat tat is crazier than the face. Yeah, it's gotta hurt. Yeah, so bad So tender the throat. Yeah And then and then she had a she had a filled in black cat. Yeah, so they color in that thing Over and over and It's just what's up, bro? Yeah, and when you look at someone and they have that and then the the crazy thing is that somebody with that Throat tattoo immediately you're gonna be like, whoo, right? You're gonna see it and they're gonna be like What?

Yeah, you know what you did. Yeah, you know what you fucking did. It's the same thing as like When a woman has like the see-through Push up. Yeah, and they're like, what are you looking at? I'm looking at your big stupid tits. Yeah, because they're out. Yeah. Yeah, of course But we what what can I just do this and you don't mind well because everybody's looking at put them away stupid Yeah, don't don't you sludge shaming me like no sweetheart Put a picture of a Nobel Prize. Get over here. I'll take your pussy. You know, yeah, let me take all the crest of your pussy Yeah, no bill. So wait. So you didn't say where are we going for it? You said throw over face. Okay. How about this? Let's change. Let's change the game. It's a face tattoo, but any face tattoo you want you can get a teardrop

you can get It's hard to decide on a face tattoo. Yeah stars like Kat Von D's got I mean I would try to hide it I would I would do like an e under my beard, you know for my son's initial or something But you can't hide it. It's got to be visible. Visible. Well, I'm a facial hair. What what happens? No, it's got to be like a teardrop like a gangbanger dude. Come on or on your forehead. No way It's a knife. Yeah. No, I'm not doing that. He's like Like Charles the Manson clan. Oh swastika. Yeah, originally they were exes and then Later turned to swastika. Really? Yeah to x the amount of society. I read a lot of stuff about Manson when I was growing up

Dirt by the force and pal you got, you know No I don't know. Yo, is he in sanguine? Corcoran. Okay. So so what do you choose? You're evading the question. It's a very important question I do actually feel like the throat is crazier. I think I think I would go through the face. I think I would go through the face You know I get I would get A dot on my nose somewhere that looks then it looks like a big blackhead. Yeah, I'll do that You know what I would want you to do. I think you should get your eyebrows filled in

Oh, cool. Yeah, like fill them in. Why won't you do the haircut I want you to get Now that we're talking about this stuff. Will you tell the audience? I've asked you to do this multiple times First of all, I don't think this is as funny as you do and you laugh hysterically every time we're laying in bed Just kind of like joking you go. Why don't you shave the top of your head and give yourself a fryer tuck Yeah, you buzz the top and then you leave the the sides around it like a horseshoe See look how happy you are. Yeah, I don't even think it's that funny and you think it's so funny I think it's a great idea. Um, I don't think it's that good What do you mean? I don't like that

Why? No, and you can't just get a dot on your nose. You have to get There's rules because the throat piece is like this. Okay. Yeah, you have to get at least an inch An inch long an inch wide An inch on your face Because the throat piece is way bigger and it's solid. Hmm. It's not fair. What if you What if you inked in your beard so you wouldn't have to grow one anymore? That's a pretty good idea. Maybe I'll do that. Maybe I'll do that you could tattoo eyeliner

A lot of women do that. You know, they tattoo makeup on women No, my stepmom did it. She tattooed on her eyeliner And you can tattoo lipstick. It looks fucking terrible, but you can Isn't that the craziest thing you've ever heard to tattoo your lipstick or eyeliner? Why would you why is it that important to have makeup on all the time? So weird I don't know. What are you looking at? I'm trying to find a picture of this. Yeah, google fryer tuck I did already and it's not it's not the exact hair haircut. I went you want a moheacon It's the last of the moheacans. That's what that is to google last of the moheacans last of the moheacans

Yeah, it's like a it's an indian thing not not The cowboy not diarrhea indian. Okay, the cowboy. Um, well, here's the images that come up That's it. Yeah like Kind of that guy is what I was thinking I feel like it's a reverse mohawk So that the top is gone. Yeah, it's a reverse mohawk. Let's see. Um, what is it? What is it? Uh fryer? fryer tuck

I'm gonna get a mohawk. They look so good haircut How about for a woman though? That's the best. Can I give ellison mohawk when he's older? Yeah, yeah, of course Seriously, of course. Oh my god. I love it So like that. Yeah, no. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That's not how I no, that's not how I've enjoyed it I want you here's what okay. Here's the idea God damn. None of these people have it. We saw I saw one picture of it somewhere Um, I want you to shave look. Yeah Right here the top out. So it's like a when a man is balding like normal male

Yeah, the horseshoe and then have all the hair long on the sides and around it It's a fryer tuck. But the fryer tuck looks like it goes all the way around though That's the difference the fryer. Does anybody know what that hairdo is called that my husband? Yeah, which one this one? Yeah, it's pretty cool. Um, how about That's old like a male pattern Baldness. Oh and women maybe that would be sad. Yeah. Oh, I'd hate to have that. Yeah, that's not what I had in mind I want you to

create it Horseshoe, what a horseshoe horse. Yeah, look at that guy's hair. It's hilarious the circle Okay, but we get the point Tom. Yeah, you get the idea But I want you to like this like this guy's hair right here, right? See right all shaved on top But long your head longer. I think that would you give me if I did it Honestly, I would really give you whatever you wanted Because I think it'd be and I think you'd end up thanking me though because you'd be like wow Like this is a really cool haircut. Well, I can't really do that

Is there some other version I could do to get something from you? I mean, why why do you think you can't do it? You're gonna stand out so much Can we fool your parents? Can I get a fake throat tattoo? Yes, we got to get on it though. They're coming soon We got to get on it What would you get me for the friar tech a car? You want a car for that? Babe, it's gonna ruin everything. I can't do stand-up. I can't do you can do stand-up It's gonna give you such a boost. You're gonna be you'll be on the today show the next week

If you do that because they'll be like if you see how cool this new comedian is they'll think you're new But you'll you'll what if you tattooed your peener? Yeah, or your throat Oh Dick all the way it would hurt a lot. Yeah, the whole thing is what do you put on there? Your son's name. No, we put a message on there This way in I saw one that um had the word poison with an arrow pointing towards the tip. That's funny. Yeah That's a pretty cool denim dick denim dick. Yeah Wait, so you do the dick over I put like these jeans

Need to get tail. What if you got fingerless gloves tattooed on your hands Like permanent like race driver gloves Or the throat. I like the idea of fingerless gloves tattooed on my dick So it looks like someone's holding it I like that idea too, but for this would you rather yeah, you've got to have fingerless gloves tattooed on your hands full gloves Fingerless it's such a homeless look to have fingerless gloves Or a bad look the throat cat that that shake had a tender grip

I'd go for the fucking horrific gloves and it had to be become part of my persona Like you're holding a mic dice or finger. Oh, it's so retarded people be like wait. Why are you doing the dice there? I'd be like, oh Fucking hickory dickory dock, man Do you know how long it would take to tattoo fingerless gloves? I'm sure someone's done it Let's see if someone looks so crazy You have to drop an image off at school and they're like Oh, no, no, that's a tattoo

That's such a crazy. I don't know might be the craziest thing I've thought of in my life Yeah, fingerless gloves tattooed on your hands. Yeah, there's nothing worse than that. There's no worse tattoo than that It's pretty bad. The throat has pretty aggressive, but that just says i'm fucking out of my mind. Let's see That's a really dumb thing to do Yeah, or is that is that a tattoo right there? That's like henna though. No, no, no, no, no, no Those are just a real nice. It's a nice pair of gloves tattoo tattoo of fingerless gloves

Yeah, fingerless gloves. I hate fingerless gloves. What is the point? They don't keep anything warm The whole point is to keep your fingers warm right of gloves. I don't know You still give you that grip your fingers can get out and take care of things, but I like to I like to drive with them. Do you remember that that was a wedding gift from one of my friends? This is so funny. Justin gave me fingerless gloves as a wedding. You know, he gave each one of us Oh one one of you so that together we're a pair of fingers I still have it in our one of my favorite things. Yeah, so dumb. It's so funny

Yeah, this guy's a little nutty But what do you mean by that? She was black part Are you saying that's because of what she said so is she no longer black? That's what she said Huh, she didn't say that. Yeah, she did black that come on black. Don't make me say. Okay. You do with me back How'd you feel when you heard her say that? How did I feel? I felt like you dumbass. Don't you know that the Cosby's was a predominantly black show motherfucker that's your audience Hilarious

I mean, like I said last time I stand by her if she feels like she's britney spears and all by god Let her be britney spears. God damn it Mr. Lane called me. I don't give a shit. Oh, hey, hey now or they know brown You made another video about looking at breasts. Yeah, the areola areola. They're old right Well, you said you said that she didn't she had clear areola. I didn't say she had cause I said it was the whole tit it was one color That was fine. The whole tit. Well, usually the areola is a different color. Well, nigga. That was let me tell you something Look, let me tell you something, brother. All right. No, I said nigga. What fucking nigga? Let me tell you something All right, you want to look you

Yeah, yeah, it's happening. Yeah, so something's now. It's raven has one titty color That's not that unusual. No, my boobs were all one color pretty much before I had ellis and now they're like I'm kind of an expert in those they are they were not the nips were not that different Yeah, they were like I was very pale and now it's totally different now. I have like purples mushy purples That is gonna be the name of the next of my hour. Yeah, mushy purples. Why not? I know I kind of like it too. It's so fucking good, man. Mushy purples mushy purples I know yeah, they are they're mushy and the nips are perps now. Everything's purple. It's so weird

It hasn't gone back just right a bit about mushy purples I'm gonna okay. That's a good name. You're right. The titty was it was it looked like it had a cataract Whoa, what is a cataract a cataract is you ever seen the shit on the dog's eye, right? It's a little lion or something. No, it's just it was the cat. It's all one color around and it's just a big a big pink Yeah Yeah, he's talking about ravens titties. Do you like that watch? I'm gonna get that for you. Thank you. Don't you love watches I do. I don't know that one twenty five thousand dollars. I'm gonna take out a mortgage on the house I bet that's more than that unless it's probably a fake. Can I take out a second mortgage? Yeah to get

Absolutely for a watch. That's a brilliant idea Do you remember my favorite thing ever is when you called top dog and you told him we were so poor by the way He's so cute. He's so sweet We were living in the rampart division. We had no money and you said to your dad dad How much I'm gonna spend a hundred thousand dollars. No, I said I'm gonna lease a Lamborghini And he was like, okay I'm like, oh, so we got to put this much down and it was like

Something like 2,500 a month. There's more than a rent 2,500. That's it for a Lambo. No, no I was telling him like it's I got, you know, we borrowed some money Putting like, you know, we got like 20,000 dollars to get a threat down payment. Yeah, and then a lease payment Like 2,500 it was like more than our rent at the time. Of course. I was like, and then, you know, we're gonna give up this and that And the whole idea is that all Um when we go to I'd go to stand up and people see me pull up They'll be like, oh, like this is like a significant guy You know, like you're a big deal. Yeah. Like and and you know, this is a business of perception and stuff and he was like, well

That's what you need to do And the best part is he got and I was I was waiting for him to be like, don't do it Yeah, he supported the best part is like it gets 10 mile per gallon. Yeah 10 miles per gallon I was like and I only can drive it like a thousand miles a year, you know, so I have to really really Be careful how often I drive it Because if you know, I understand that that's Different business. So he's so sweet. He totally was supportive. My dad would not be supportive Yeah, not at all. No

What did my dad say last time my dad's been stealing our grapefruits. Do we talk about this? Yeah, I don't remember if we talk he I remember he was I remember from when I first met you Weirdly one of my oldest memories Of you is you telling me how much your dad likes grapefruit. Oh, yeah, he just fucking loves Loves the gravy. Yeah, I love it too. It's in the jeans. But yeah No, so he texts me. He doesn't come over He's seen ellis my father seen ellis maybe five times since he's been alive my son Since we moved into this house. We got two or three grapefruit trees

And my dad texts me. I'm gonna come over and get some grapefruits. Okay, and I'm like, all right, man And he comes and he goes, oh, it's too high The tree is too high. I'm gonna go to the store. I'll be back He goes he comes back the next day and now he's got a tool It's an actual Grapefruit picker picker. Yeah, this motherfucker is now pulling down fruit from our trees and a lot too I was like, oh, I get like a couple, right? Yeah, uh-uh. He's out there pulling for like an hour He eats them every day

He eats and he he stole maybe a whole bag. Who else loves grapefruits? My memories of of grapefruits are. Yeah, charo Oh, she no, she never eats the honey backyard. Oh, that's why yeah, yeah She used to when I was a kid She used to slice grapefruit and pour honey into each little pocket like a little squirt And then that's how she would eat grapefruit. I want a grapefruit But so he bought the thing the picker and now he leaves it at our around, you know by side of the house That's the only reason he comes is to steal fruit

Yeah And then he like waves to the kid did he even hold ellis on the Thanksgiving? I don't think so. We looked at him He looked at yeah, but what he said didn't tell him good job or anything. Oh my god No, but he did he did he was like, you know, he goes You know, they're so young now. It's like there's not much to do with them You know as a grandfather. I go yeah, he goes no four or five That's when you can do things. I'm like, oh, so you'll be back in about four or five years. Yeah See you then kiddo

But he you know, I understand what he was saying like there's not much not a lot happening He's only learning to talk walk stand Uh develop a sense of self and separateness from his mother. It's not a big time Not a lot going well. He's like there's not much I can do right, you know, right, right, right Wow My favorite was when um, he heard us saying good job to ellis To learn to eat good job. Good job. He goes. I don't know this saying good job too much I think you say good job once at the end of the day. You said one good job not not all the time

Yeah, because otherwise you're saying it too much too much He's like I hear these people women are like, oh you did a good job. Good job. Good job. It's too much too much I can't wait to you said to tell your mom that story. I think they're gonna be like explode. What she's gonna go like What? Yeah Because your your parents are the opposite. They're oh my god, very loving. Yeah, well, and they're also like they applaud like you say Applaud a shit. Yeah, Tommy took a shit everybody. Yeah gather around. Yeah, let's take a picture. Oh, yeah I know

Every every move they they they think it's the best thing ever. Absolutely. Look at your self-esteem Look how successful you are through the roof through the roof. Yeah, no That's why I look to you for guidance and guys speaking of self-esteem The weight loss challenge is ongoing A slight update. I've been really good. I've um, I made some adjustments to the diet. Okay I I don't want to give away too much don't because then why why I should burt a benefit from your your knowledge Just know that i'm i'm fully immersed in this uh competition. You're gonna win. I'm you're winning and eating well I'm doing my exercise

And let's just say the numbers are a change in yeah, well because bert's on instagram I saw he was an indian apple. Oh, yeah, and he's parting. Yeah Can't lose weight when you're parting. No We'll see we'll have to see what happens as they like to say i'm gonna tell you what happens He's fat Yeah, well, there's no doubt about that No, man, but no man. I mean that that I said all I have to say is just bullshit. I said nothing You said nothing

I said nothing man. I said I said enough to get people to watch and they watched. Yeah, you just did Yeah, silly goose. I like the guy I gotta say I like him. I like diamonds on the crevice of your pussy I don't like when he jiggles it and stuff, but I like him. I think he's he's a cute guy Um, he's an I don't know. He's a cute guy. He's a nice guy. He's handsome Um, I don't like that bandana, but I liked how he looked in the other one. He's got nice teeth I feel like you have a real strict policy on leftovers um

It's like when there's food in the fridge from the day before you're like, is this all right to eat I don't like yeah, it's from last night and you're like, uh, I think we gotta get like that's the whole point of taking it Like and a bag to go home. Not true. You you're talking about sushi leftovers, which you should not Store sushi and then eat it two or three days later. That's not three days later. That's crazy Not good. Of course. I never do that what you do three days later That's fucking insane. She like a day later, which I think you can definitely do that You can have dinner. I don't like that and put it in the fridge and have it the next day

I disagree. I think that it's not stored properly. Maybe the maybe the sushi chefs they store their temperature It's raw fish weirdo. You have an ally not necessarily sushi, but with leftovers. That's plies Plies has an opinion on this. I'm gonna go ahead and explain to some of y'all What I just had to tell my mama Because some of y'all don't think you bought the soda leftovers away At some point the leftovers got an expiration date on them It's the cap on the leftovers. You that can't keep eating them leftovers as long as you want to man Yeah, he's right. Some of y'all might want to write this down because I finna give you the calendar and the itinerary for these leftovers

Yeah, you cook the food on Wednesday night Thursday you ate the food Friday that woman was his best Saturday, you're pushing it. No, you're pushing it. Sunday. Ain't no more leftovers, bitch. No leftover. Monday, you're tripping. Yeah Tuesday, your ass getting worse if you still eating them leftovers Wednesday hospital Thursday dead. That's the bottom line for the leftover That's a good point. Now. He says Friday is the best. It's gonna taste. He's right. He's saying he's using Thanksgiving as an example

Yeah, so he's saying Thanksgiving The food obviously the next day was this your left this primary left her but Friday is the best day. He's saying right the next day That's right. Yeah, no the day after the day after which is my point Saturday, I think you're pushing it by Saturday. I'd throw I throw out by Saturday. Okay, Wednesday night. You're doing the cooking Yes, okay. So Wednesday night Thursday is the day of Thanksgiving Wednesday night. You're prepping and great Thursday You cook you cook the rest of it. You eat Friday is fantastic. I'm throwing them out by Saturday. God seriously Yeah, you you can definitely have some of that on Saturday. You can I don't think I'm not saying that you can't I don't think I think sunday. You're really pushing it fine with all that kind of food with suji

I definitely think the next day is fine. I don't think so. I don't it's fresh or nothing with raw fish You're out of your fucking cause some of y'all think you can just eat the leftovers How long you want to eat them? It don't work like that with the leftovers, man. All right It's an expiration date on them leftovers. That's right Keep them for a couple days and get them out your refrigerator. Yeah, he's right. He's right. He's right about everything Lies is right. We don't work like that with the leftovers man We haven't heard from him in a while reply. I know a sweet pussy Saturday Can I tell you something your teeth look so much better that you've whiten them? I whiten them

So that was my dental update. I was going to do dental update today But we we mentioned it during one of the songs you look great remember the other night. I told you You look healthy. You look like you eat, right? I've been exercising a lot younger. No, no, no, it's not that It's all in the whitening of well. Here's what I did. I told I go remind me remind me last week when we were doing the show Yeah, and then I was you were gone and I was about to just wind down And I go do I want to go and get the trays and then go in the fridge It's a hassle and I was like and I go well, I just asked for a reminder

I'm just gonna fucking do it. So I got the trays ready. Good got the gel Did it burn? No, but the next morning my teeth were aching. Yeah, that's good. That means it works. Yeah Ain't no more left over, bitch. Yeah Is that if it burns the next day and it's tender to heat and cold that means you you burn the shit out Yeah, I did. It's good. Yeah, you get that layer. Can you really tell? Oh my god. They look I did of course. I didn't do a Giuliani. I did tops and bottoms. Yeah Let's look at Rudy's teeth. You want it? Oh, he's either nasty. Why can't be some nasty Rudy Giuliani?

Dude, his teeth are the worst and he can afford better teeth, dude. Oh, yeah Fix your fucking teeth weird beard. Yeah. He's such a weird Yeah, god damn. He's a weird dog. He's a weird dude. Let's see. Yeah, the tops look aggressive He's got one shot of him. Yeah, it's here. Terrible It's when he's talking Oh my god, the bottoms are just rotten yellows. Oh my god Those are real bad nasty. That's you're so nasty Rudy. You got to fix that buttery popcorn all over the bottom Dude, he's got dad mouths for sure. Those are like

Bonded there's aren't even like those are today's veneers. Those are the ones I used to have, right? He's got his from the 90s. Still. I think he needs to free fix Fix this whole just go do the whole thing and the the veneers they do now are amazing mine. They're glass They're translucent. Those are the old ass ones that were there's like chalk. Yeah, so they're they're not see-through They're not translucent, right? They look like fake chompers with the bottles. Oh, those are yellow And tartar filled they look really bad. Can I tell you something? A lot of people say he just cares about the upper class, you know Can I tell you something? What's that real talk? Yeah, when you and I are 60 years old? Yeah, if you have a mouth That's like this. It's full of tartar and yellow and brown. Guess what? Yeah, I'm not kissing your mouth and I'm not

Putting my mouth on your junk either. Yeah, of course nasty Shouldn't because you're gonna get done at that at that issue You go get the nice High quality veneers. Yes. You just have a nice Have them done every 10 years 15 years. You gotta have your teeth redid. Sorry. That's the fucking cost of admission We don't want it too. I like Dennis Uh, no because he didn't get the good ones though. Yeah, he got shitty shitty veneers You got to go to a specialist and they'll do they'll make even like age-appropriate veneers. They'll be like, well, we won't make them

Fucking billboard white. We'll make it this like so it looks like you have nice teeth. Yeah For your age Kind of goes with your skin like, you know, yeah, the natural they follow the shape of your natural tooth. Yeah Stupid the guy looks terrible. Yeah looks fucking terrible. He looks like a a skeleton Like a skull head, you know those big fake fake white chompers never Stop it makes last night. We were testing audio. It didn't stop making me laugh I I still laugh at at the fucking dad boner Yes, have you ever seen a moose go down that quick?

Holy cow Holy cow is right. That is awesome It's such a dad boner. I can garth brooks went hunting. Yep. We got out here early morning. Look at the look at the meadow This is why this is why we came up here. We've been Sounds like he's gonna cry this big huge meadow big long tall meadow. We've been slipping along here Just glass and just glass and glass and all of a sudden literally I didn't even have I didn't even put my head net on I'm like, ah, we're just glassing these big huge meadows He was like glassing

Is this for a tv show or this is just this guy? I think it's for his youtube his youtube page. Yeah, it's so funny I found who he was Tell me everything. Yeah, he's a big time hunter. Like he's he's a well-known Moose hunter. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Um here. Let me pull Who's name Well the moose just And you know what I usually have a snarky thing to say for people I just I love his joy I have nothing shitty to say about the dad the moose dad. Like he's so red. He's a nice guy. Yeah

Yeah, like you can tell he cares about his family probably He's probably and just a nice dude Um, okay, so here I am. Let's see Not now pepper choney. He's an angel Pepperoni is just a Sweet little angel dog Okay, so I put this uh, oh, yeah the shirt up and that's how it people started telling me who he was

Just glass and his name Oh I'm gonna give it to you. Just people really I got a huge dad boner for this How do I see the video people put it up? Give me a second Yeah, apparently he does he does guided tours too You know, so if you If you want to go

Hang out with the glass and dad with the glass and guy you can yeah, holy shit. What's his name? um His name. I'm trying to I'm trying to pull it up. Just give me a second. Talk talk All right, um, I I still feel like he is canadian though I hear a canadian thing and the moose hunting element to me is canada So I don't know where the fuck this guy is from. I'd like to know more about his story I think he's still from canada. I don't care what you guys fucking say that you write it. He got from canada Dude, how can you say that? I don't think he sounds american

This guy sounds canadian come on F a r t f a r t Here it is. Okay. Here he is. What's up? Can fred his name is fred eichler Fred eichler. Yep. Fred eichler. There you go. Here we go. I'm gonna look him up for you I did this yesterday and I lost the uh He has um a passion For bow hunting

You know, clearly America's favorite hunter. Okay. There he is. So I was canadian born And maybe he's canadian born. You don't fucking know that shit. Look at lurid it. I'm a man of what about fred What does he say? He's a man of personal achievement His passion for bow hunting has taken him all over the world in pursuit of his next adventure Fred truly believes that any animal with a bow is a trophy. Okay His personal any animal with a bow Okay, his personal quest to complete the north american super slam

With a recurve bow reflects that state of mind in mid august of 2009 fred harvested a cow tool elk to become the first to take all 29 north american big game animals with a recurve bow and complete the super slam fred has been fortunate enough to share his love enthusiasm with a sport with fellow bow hunters in this country Blah blah blah who gives a shit. Yeah, it's a way of life. He loves it. He absolutely loves fred is a real diehard North american super slam. Now, see that's why it leads me to believe he is canadian because we don't refer to it as north american Dude, he's so american there. He's got a family Yeah, see yeah, this guy's on the level here. Here's his boys See

The family guy three guys three boys. Yeah home about fred contact fred fred's gear I'll see a glass and shirt. Why aren't you glassing bro? Oh, this is stuff that he hunts with His armbands. This guy's a real deal. Yeah Very cool. Anyways, that's the guy man. I I'm a huge fan. That is this guy right here fred eichler. There you are, bro Just glassing This is why we came up here. Yeah, it's amazing, right? Let's just keep going. Let's glass. Let's glass. Let's glass. I'm glassing. I'm like, I sound like holy smokes

It's never not funny Holy smokes. Let's glass Holy smokes. He's such a dad. That's such canadian thing. Holy smokes. No, he's it's is trailer park boys That's all I hear. We got a hundred fucking canadian emails saying like your ears are full of lax No, I was born in canadia Windsor, ontario proud winds are native. I'm telling you. I feel like this guy's canadian Oh my god. F. A. R. T. Guys Oh my god

Look where proud winds are native fred Eichler from oh people have already been typing it Probably from this show. Okay, let's see God damn it. fred eichler fan page. There's a fred eichler fan page. Yeah, let's see. Maybe he'll maybe Yeah, shit. He's not okay. We'll send him an email. Let's ask him where he's originally from Because this guy is if he's hanging out with canadiens, maybe yeah, because I hear a little Oh my god, here we go. Okay. Fine. Fucking email. Shit right now. Oh, you got an email. Yeah

Just glass and glass glass glass All right, maybe we should wait until after the show. Uh, no, I'll do it right now You're gonna type on an email while yes, I'm doing it right now each other. Yes. Is that fun for the audience? I don't know here in sea. I don't know. Just keep talking man. I got another fucking How can you not think of anything to say? All right What do you mean? You can't think of someone? Oh, I'll talk about this. I uh, you guys were talking last week about the uh The super bowl and how stupid the music is and how stupid not the super bowl. What is it?

Oh, just for foosballs the whole And how they have theme songs for every day on the sunday night monday night football tonight You're gonna love it. Yeah, and we're talking about how the corporations have ruined all these Stadium arena names and how oppressive and depressing that shit is same thing goes for Children's things because we went to go to targe to get ellis's first birthday Like uh decorations and all I want is like hey, uh, do you have like a tiger or how about some trucks? But no, no, no, you have to have the disney cars

A three Yeah thing like even on the cake on the birthday cake. Can I just have a fucking truck the kid likes trucks? Well, we have a disney cars thing or a despicable me part three Fucking character thing like you guys do when what happened to just making Shit that kids liked now. It all has to be sponsored by pixar and disney. It's really depressing. Yeah, it's really crazy I feel like I was at the end of 60 minutes there. Is that morally shapers? Oh, yeah, where he has like a ramp that When a car door slams It makes a noise

Did you know that people work on that noise? That was one of his one time really about the way that a door on a car Sounds different from car to car People will work on that To make the car doors sound different Okay, I wrote where's fred from okay We're big fans. We enjoy your hanging videos. We want to know where fred was from and where did he grow up? Thanks and keep hunting and keep glassing I can't tell that

Keep glass. I'll be like wait, what? Yeah, he won't understand that No Okay scent. All right. Now it's just a matter of time Yeah, and we'll find out where fred's really really from class class class Um All right, that's silly. So there's all these wonderful songs. Which one do you want to hear on the way out? There's pastor pijitski Uh sermon 74 There's my dad's balls. Oh my dad's balls. Let's go to that one. Yeah

That's an honor in honor of your father coming. That's right. My father is coming. Um, it should be fun um Thank you guys for listening to the show We love you. Oh february february 12th come see us at the ur vine sperm vine improv improv We're doing ymh live live 7 p.m. It'll be great See you guys soon. Goodbye Hmm especially since they're such good size at all Hmm it gets bigger when I pull on

Hmm Sometime I pull on it so hard. I rip the skin Hmm Even god, that's a gaping that That's a gaping that even god. That's a gaping that Um I have My dad's dick. I have my dad's dick. I need my dad's balls. I have my dad's dick have my dad's dick

I have my dad Stig I need my dad's I Oh My daddy told me a few things too like how not to rip the skin by using someone else's mouth and steady your own hands I have my dad's dick have my dad's dick. I have my dad's dick. I need my dad's balls I have my dad's dick have my dad's dick. I have my dad's dick. I need my dad's balls Oh Our dad has taught us not to be ashamed of our dicks Our dad has taught us not to be ashamed of our dicks

I have my dad's dick have my dad's dick. I have my dad's dick. I need my dad's balls I have my dad's dick have my dad's dick. I have my dad's dick. I need my dad's balls I have my dad's dick have my dad's dick I have my dad's dick I need my dad's balls I have my dad's dick have my bad district I have my dad's dick. I need my dad's ball I have my dad's dick have my dad's dick

I have my dad's dick. I need my dad's balls I have my dad's dick. I need my dad's balls I have my dad's dick. I need my dad's balls I have my dad's dick I have my dad's dick. I need my dad's balls I have my dad's dick. I have my dad's dick. I need my dad's balls That was really great. It's so depraved Oh my gosh