Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura - 375-Your Mom's House with Christina Pazsitzky and Tom Segura

Episode Date: December 21, 2016

These Jeans are ready to party. We always knew that Subway served up sandwiches, but we didn't realize there was so much MUSTARD on them. In this episode we explore two entirely different locations with two very upset customers - each expressing their disappointment in a unique way. PLUS - Top Dog and Charo stopped by to do some line reads. We play you the whole thing. That and SO much more. Merry Xmas, Santa Jeans.

["Close Your Eyes Song"] Let's glass. Let's glass. Let's glass. I got a mousse. Let's glass. Let's glass. Let's glass.

I got a mousse. I didn't like glass. Let's glass. Let's glass. I got a mousse. Let's glass. Let's glass. Let's glass.

I got a mousse. It's you! Yes! If you ever seen a mousse, go down that quick. Holy hell! There you go. Genius work.

That is really good work, man. That is really good work. I got a mousse. That's by Joseph G. Thank you, Joseph. Thank you. Welcome to another episode of Your Mom's House. I am very thin comedian Tom Segura here,

along with my co-host, the slightly dehydrated Christina Pajeski. Excuse me. Now, welcome. Very good, Jeans. That was very professional. Yeah, it was until you killed my headphones. Oh my God.

There's only two things plugged in. You can't see which one is yours. Oh my God. Oh, yeah. I didn't think of it that way. Yeah. Did I totally ruin your read? It screwed it up at the end.

Do you feel like it wasn't perfect because of that? Oh, no, no, no. I feel like it's... I feel like it was still perfect. I didn't... I think you get really upset with me for making innocent mistakes. And I'm just trying to do my thing and stuff like that.

You're right. I don't know. It's just this new thin body. Listen. Oh my God. Any other... Did you talk about that already? No.

Well, shop on Amazon for this Christmas using our banner. Hello. Go to yourmomshousepodcast.com. Click on the banner at the bottom of the homepage. Do your shopping as you normally would. I advise you just do that right now. Go to our website, yourmomshousepodcast.com, and click on the banner and go ahead and bookmark that site that way.

You don't even have to think it's there. You do your shopping and it just kicks back a little change to the show to help us. It's nice. New environment, new studios, new husband. It's all very expensive. What? Okay. Thank you for those who've already done it.

And I don't know why you're going to the mall. We went to the mall yesterday to pick up with the computer and I wanted to pull my brains out. Yeah, I picked up. I needed a new logic board for the old MacBook. Yeah. Didn't know that. It was terrible.

And of course, don't forget this. Go to tomsegura.com and click on the store, go to tomsegura.com and click on the store. I get some of the new shed, dj.tanmouse, the water champ, just glassing, all that shed is fire dog. There you go. I can't believe what I'm saying. There you go. There you go.

Get your just glass and shirts. Yeah. Get your water champion shirts. All of them, man. Get it all. It's all there, man. Get it all. Glass, glass, glass all day.

Yeah. We had top dog and Charo in here doing some line reads for us. It's really good. It's pretty fun. Pretty fun. Glass, glass, glass all day. They came for our son's Smurf Day. They did.

Just glassing. Got a lot to catch up on. There's a lot. There's a lot to talk about. There's a lot to talk about. I also have some great, I got great audio from them. I have a bunch of clips, a bunch of audio to play. Oh yeah, Bobby?

Yeah. Bobby's ready to be Jimmy and Bobby around. Let's see. Do I have the, my YMH thing? I don't even know where that is. Oh my God. Which episode was last week? Do I have so many?

Is that one? I don't have the intro. I don't even have my show open. Oh my God. Where is that? Oh my God. Oh my gosh. You think you're ready to go?

And then you realize. There's so many elements though. I know. He won't realize that there's so many moving parts to a podcast. We've got the visual, the audio, the drops you have to prepare. And then just getting the intro song can sometimes be annoying. I mess up on that deep row constantly. Yeah.

Well, the thing is too, new computer. New pooter. We got a new pooter. All right. That's a little story for our listeners who don't know. But Tom got me this computer for me just as an everyday mommy. And it's so complicated. I had a fucking nuclear meltdown because it was the end of the day.

I spent all day with my kid. You know how it is. You actually had a faulty thing out of the box. We'll get into it. Let's open the show. We'll start the show. We'll get into it. The point is, it's too much computer for me because I'm a mom.

All I do is check emails and look at photos of my kid. So now it's our production. Right. Yeah. Yeah. Fuck computer. Do you want to open the shutters for me, please? Because the police want to speak to you.

You're money out, you f***. Why have you closed the shutters? Because they're going to try and take my fucking property. We've got here. The shutters are down. This man's right inside your... If someone comes into your house and says he's going to fucking take your shit out or your head...

Listen to me. What are you going to do? Listen to me. Open the fuck. It doesn't make a difference. Look, he's in the studio. You can hear us right now, straight away from what I've seen. Fucking wankers, isn't it?

What are you... Who's pulling the wanker? In there. He's not doing big time. Who is Randy? Don't bring anyone loving to this. It's your mom in the fucking stand. Welcome.

Welcome to your mom's house. With Tom Segura. Tom Segura. And Christina Vazitsa. And Christina Vazitsa. And Christina Vazitsa. Welcome to your mom's house. That sounds like shit.

Yeah. Oh shit. Dude. Dude. Dude. Dude. Dude. Bro.

Bro. Bro. Dude. I'm looking up in it in the Urban Dictionary. Yeah. And what comes up? What? Dog in a bathtub.

Really? And you and I were just having... Well, yeah. How does that come up? It's under. It's like different trending now words. Yeah. You and I were having this very important debate about what dog in a bathtub is.

Now, you say it's the twig and berries and the beans inside a woman's mouth. Well, that would be the berries, not and the beans. Twig and berries. Oh, I'm sorry. The twig and the berries. I'm adding an extra set of nuts right there. I'm assuming there's two or four gentlemen there. So, yeah, the twig and the berries.

I'm saying it's the twig and the berries inside a girl's vagine. Yeah. You're saying, okay, so let's see. Dog in a bathtub. This is a proper name for when you attempt to insert your nuts into a girl's ass. Oh, that? It is so named because it can be just not keeping a dog in the bathtub while giving it a bath. Right.

We know why because you can't keep the berries in, they pop out. Right. But they're saying it's anal, so both of us are wrong. See, I have to disagree. So do I. Yeah. I'm not anal. No, because don't you feel like a dog in a bathtub is hard to achieve in both the mouth

or the vagina? Yeah. It's almost impossible. Yeah, that's not correct. That's not correct. No. I wish we had an authority on the sort of thing. I feel like, look, can I see one thing here?

I want to see if the intro I have here sounds different. Sure. Let me see if I could play the audio. In it. In it. In it. Let's see. Ready?

Because I know it means isn't it, but sometimes English people use in it and it doesn't make sense. Like he's like, fucking wankers, in it. But he wouldn't say fucking wankers, isn't it? In it. Yeah. Because in it is short. That sounds better.

Oh, that sounds so much better. Why does it sound better? Don't bring in one muffin for this. Come on, we're in the fucking stand. Welcome. Welcome to your mom's house. That sounds better. Way better.

With Tom Segura. They're the bass on now. Christina Perzi. That's a little muffle now. Welcome to your mom's house. That's a better sound. Way better. Way better.

Way better. Way better. No, but it's getting distorted. The bass is the same. Yeah. It's something there you shifted last time when this happened, remember? Okay. Well, there we go.

In it. In it. It's a bit of a wiffle. In it. Say it, Tom. It's a bit of a wiffle. In it. I say that in my act now, by the way.

Oh, good. Good. Well, wiffle's not even a thing. You made up. I know. But I remember because we would used to do, you know. Wiffle. Wiffle.

On it. Accents. And then the thing was that you could always do British better. Yeah. Because you live there. Yeah. And I would do that impression. And you were like, that's, you know, one talks like that.

Yeah. I was like, yeah. Well, I actually, I get that all my accents are better than yours. Oh, that's a nonsense. Everybody that knows, knows everything, knows that. Everyone knows that. I don't think so. I feel like my accents are much better.

This is really funny, by the way. Way better. Way better. The clip. No, you're dog shit. No. In it. Yeah.

That one. That's such a bad file. He goes, fucking wankers. In it. So here's what's happening. That guy's a shopkeeper. Right. Right.

And the tax man came to collect. Because he owed taxes. And he locked him in his store. Nice. So that's what's going on at the beginning of it. The guy. Oh. The guy's like.

The situation threatening to turn really ugly. Help arrives just in time. Shit. Yeah. Hello. Hello. That's the tax guy. Yeah.

I put that together. That's the police, yeah? The police, yeah? Yeah. The enforcement officer. The enforcement officer. He's pulled the shutters down inside. He won't open them.

So this guy is going through trying to get his money together. Yeah. Open the shutters for me, please. Because the police want to speak to you. The police want to speak to you. It's funny that they bleeped him there. Right. Right.

But maybe it wasn't a curse. Maybe it was like a name or something. His name or something. Yeah. Because they're going to try and take my fucking property. He's right. Shutters are down. This man's right inside your.

If someone whoops into your house and says he's going to fucking take your shit out or your house. What are you going to do? Listen to me. Open the fucking door. No. No. No.

You could be arrested right now. Straight away from what I've seen. Fucking wankers, innit? What are you calling it? Wanker. See? Fucking wankers, innit? Innit.

It just, it put it grammatically wouldn't make sense. So I guess the tax guy can, can seize the actual items. Propota. Yeah. That's crazy. In a store like that. Wait, I guess we do that. The IRS will come and take your shit out.

Yeah, they'll seize your property. Yeah. Who do you think you're talking to now? Are you going to arrest me? Huh? Are you going to arrest me? I don't want to arrest you. Are you going to arrest me?

Are you going to arrest me? You're too close. He's getting. Yeah. In our country, the police will be like, sir, get back. Sir, get back. There wasn't a camera there. They were cracking the fucking jaw.

Yeah. If you get yourself arrested, you're not in a position to pay this debt, which means I'm going to have to take all your stuff. Look, I make fucking 15p a fucking pack. Yeah. How about that? Yeah. Yeah.

15p. That's super, that's super British. He makes 15p. That's nothing. 15 pence is 15 cents. Yeah. 15 cents. Well, he's saying that's his margin on that bag of Doritos.

Yeah. You know, different business. Yeah, that's not the business for you. Yeah. Yeah. 15p, yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. It's a bit of a whiffle. It's a bit of a whiffle, isn't it? Huh? Yeah. If you get yourself arrested, you're not in a position to pay this debt, which means I'm going to have to take all your stuff. Stop.

I make fucking 15p a fucking pack. Yeah. How about that? How am I going to pay this? That's so British. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Listen. I'm trying to fucking pay the fuck. What am I trying to do? I'm trying to fucking pay the fuck. See, they keep bleeping something. I'm to pay the... It's probably he says his name or the man. I don't know.

Dude, you know how expensive ciggies are? Yeah. Well, look how empty his... Hey, I've got a neat question. What? You know what they call cigarettes in England? Hmm. What is it?

I think it's a bit of a riddle. I think they call them fuckboys. Not fuckboys. They're definitely called... Farts. Nope. They're called... Fags.

Fags. But do you think because of the PC thing that now you can't even call cigarettes fags? No, of course not. Come up with fags. Come up with a fag. But that's still a... Fag. We're talking two different countries, different...

But I feel like don't they inherit our political correctness too? Yeah, but that word, they would be like, why would we stop? Because it doesn't mean the same thing. So why would they affect them? Because it's fag. Yeah, but that doesn't mean what it means here. Yeah, I know. I know.

So why would that affect them? Well, that's like them calling it the N word. They'd have to stop saying. Could you hand me a, you know, big word? Oh. Do you know what I'm saying? I'm pulling back on it now. You've never pulled back.

You can't say, can you lend a pencil? Uh-huh. Why can't you say that? Can't say it. Why? Well, okay, let's say they call these niggas. You can't be like... We'd like a nigga.

Can't say it. Wait, what? You can't say it. Yeah, but they've... Okay. But fag is bad too now. Fag is, fag is equal to the N word. My point is that fag was never bad there.

So why would they care? I know, but because they're cousins of ours. Yeah. So our political correctness trickles across the pond to them. I don't think so. They don't say the N word. I don't think so. I think you're wrong.

Definitely. No, I don't think so. Dude, bro, I know. They're way more politically correct in some ways than we are. Hmm. Hmm. Well, right in, if you're from England... We have a lot of British listeners.

I know. If you're British, tell us. Do you still call them fags? And is it considered a little bit sensitive to call them fags? See, I don't think that applies for this. I really don't. Well then... You might be right, but I don't think so.

God damn it. You know what it's fun now is how angry you get when the myriad of technology fails, when the monitor goes to sleep, you fucking lose your mind. When you get an email, you lose your mind. If I turn the sound down for a minute, you lose your marvel. All right. Can we just make a montage of Blue Band of Tom getting angry at every time the equipment goes bad?

It's true. It's a constant. It's a short fuse. And you shouldn't have such a short fuse because Karen milked you today. Yeah. Karen's a fucking slut. Get the fuck out of here. Well, because we, Karen and Bobby, made sweet love this morning in the 10 minutes we had

before. Yeah. Ellis went down and then the nanny shows up. So we have a nice sexy 10 minute window to get married 11. Yeah. And... Glass, glass, glass all day. And you finished and I was like, Bobby, I love you.

And you're like, I love you too. I'm like, Bobby doesn't say that. That's right. You're correct. Bobby doesn't say that. Bobby doesn't say that. What does Bobby say? He just said, get out.

Go. Oh no. You said, what are you doing tonight? And then Bobby said... What are you doing later, man? You gotta date, right? There's this girl I'm really into. Right.

Like Bobby says hurtful things. That's what Bobby would do. Yeah. Right to her face. Because Bobby would be like, well, no, date you. Right. You know what was good in true Bobby fashion though? What?

You didn't brush your teeth for me this morning, which was nice. Oh yeah. I felt like you were in character. Yeah. Took you to Poundtown too. You really got it. Like a P-I-G. Well, she purples.

You know what I noticed about my purples? What? They change color. Like when I'm just, like I get undressed for a shower. Yeah. Then they're the normal color. Then I get in the shower and I get cold and then now they turn purple. That makes sense.

It's so weird, right? The temperature is affecting, you know, capillaries, blood vessels. Yeah. Yeah, sure. Does that happen to you and your testicles? My purples? Are you just beating purple? No.

But there's some, you see different cues sometimes. Yeah. I've seen purple balls before, yeah. You've seen, I mean, then there's blood rushes obviously, so things can change color. I have, I've had boyfriends where it's, it's all skin, like a lot of skin and then the two beans and like the two balls, but then like so much skin. Why is that? Skin underneath.

Yeah. Like the bag is enormous and then the two beans are just floating. So you've had big ball boyfriends is what you're talking about? Wait, you're saying that their bag just hangs low? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I have one boyfriend whose penis was like real short and fat and then his nuts would

just hang super low. Yeah. That's pretty standard. Yeah. You're nuts a lot of times hang lower. Sure. When you're relaxed and warm. Yeah.

I know that. Yeah, it's just true. But you're saying. But it was like abnormally. What was his name? Not telling you that. Why? Was it somebody in real life?

No way. They're not going to find him. I got too much respect for the men in my life. Really? One like you, I'm not indiscriminate about who I allow mash genitals. Mash their genitals of mine. How was he a lover? Okay.

How were? Not great. I mean, nothing to get married over. Did he ever try to put the dog in the bathtub? No, nobody's tried that with me. Did he do a face squat? Did he squat on your face with it? Remember when you used to joke about that more?

Yeah. The pile driver. He used to pretend to give me a pile driver. That was fun. That was fun. Remember? Yeah. We did that a lot when we first started dating.

Yeah. That's neat. Why'd you drop that? I'll bring it back. Bring it back tonight. Do you think people really do that or that's just important? I think people really do it, but I think, you know. The pile driver.

Yeah. But I mean, I don't think it's part of like someone's love-making repertoire. I think it's something that, you know. It's like a special. This special or it's, you know, people on Coke and they're like, let's just do this. Right. Because I don't, I feel like that's not a everyday thing. No, it's not like we're kind of just cooking up to this, you know.

Like when you have 10 minutes to do it before the nanny gets in, you don't. Hold on a second. Okay. What's happening? Just hold on. Hold on. Oh, dad's getting mad. Oh man.

Red band. I mean, blue band cut this part together. Watch the rage build. I'm just trying to see where the hell is this thing? Here we go. Okay. We're back. I'm going to do a police ride along.

Hello. Hello. Oh, that's great. Perfect. Okay. That's perfect. So we'll plan on six p.m. Okay.

Great. Thanks buddy. Right. And it all worked out. Good. All right. We're rolling anyways. That was a phone call.

I'm going to do a police ride along tonight. Great. So the phone call was, hey, can you come right now? And I said, no. And then they said, can you come in a couple hours? And I guess I guess so. And now they just pushed it to later. So I'm doing a ride along, a writer that I've been working with for months now.

We've been working on this police story for a script. And we arranged to ride along with the police. And we're going to do a police ride along tonight. Great. So the phone call was, hey, can you come right now? And I said, no. And then they said, can you come in a couple hours? Right along with the LAPD.

LAPD. Yeah. You're going to see some shit because you're doing it in Hollywood, right? Yeah. You're going to see some crazy shit. Yeah. You know, my dad used to have police scanners in the house. Yeah.

But in the valley, you know, but we used to just listen to all the colors. What should I wear? For this? Yeah. For the ride along. Definitely red or blue, like you want to pick a side. Yeah. Especially.

Don't tell me on the fence whether you would gangbanger. I was thinking just something loud. Attract attention. Yeah. We'll definitely get something gold. In the line of fire is what I want for you. Like get out of the car a lot. Yeah.

If you see guns getting pulled, stuff like that. You know what I bet you're going to see? A lot of homeless shit. Like, hey, there's a homeless dude face down on the floor. It's going to be a ton. It's going to be a homeless, a lot of mentally ill. I've done two ride alongs before. Yeah.

I've done one in Tacoma. Tacoma, yeah. And I've done one in Hickory, North Carolina. Yeah. And mentally ill, drugs, a lot of vagrant. And then when I did Tacoma on your comedy club, and I did the ride along there, I rode along for, I don't know, four or five hours. He dropped me off.

And then when I, he texted me half hour later, the next call was a gun call. A guy pulled a gun on the street. That was the one I missed. Well, it's a Monday night. So there's less drinking, partying happening. It might be, it's a good quiet night. But it's the holidays. But it's the holidays.

And that's when shit goes down. Yeah. Yeah. Interesting. Well, you'll have to give us a detailed report. Yeah. I'm going to guess homeless. Homeless, yeah.

Gangbangers, yeah. And that. And that. And you hear some gunshots. Because remember when we lived in the Rampart division? Don't really. No, what was that like? There were gunshots nightly.

Yeah. I would say like once the sun went down, the shit hit the fan. The helichopter too. Every night. That's better to go at night for right along. This will, this will be a boring ride along. If you get the middle of the day on a Monday, there ain't shit happening. Ain't shit.

Once the sun go down. Bang, bang, bang. So I got to pull up at six. Okay. In Hollywood. Hollywood. So you got to leave early and meet the traffic. You know what they say.

Yeah. It's going to be. It's going to be a thing. You're going to take the 405. There's going to be traffic. We're going to look like a couple of boners sitting in that car. Wide-eyed. Oh, you're a boner.

I'm not. We, you mean. Oh, you and the writer. You're my writer buddy. Yeah. Yeah. Should be fun. They will be fun.

We take pictures. If they allow. Yeah. Yeah. Are they going to put you behind the mesh? Hopefully they get to sit next to some perps. What are you in for? Yeah.

No way. No way. Figure out some codes. You know, there's code for that means everything's good. I still remember it when I did the ride along 20 years ago in Carolina, that the guy's car number was 127. Yeah. And that his radio call was 127 at County.

So when you, you know, we pick it up, you go 127 County. Yeah. And that was the beginning. Like I still, it's still burning in my head. I would like if, if you wouldn't mind asking for a list of radio codes. Yeah. Because there's an app you can download. That's the police scanner app.

And I downloaded it when we lived in the rampart division just to see what was happening around us. And I could pick up on some of them. 19 all that. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Like, you know, 720, 10, 700, 10, seven is a rest.

I know that 10, two is like all good. I think a two 11 is a, is code for robbery. Right. I don't know. Everyone knows one eight seven. What's F. A. R. T. F. A. R. T. is like a, I think it's a biohazard. Yeah.

Yeah. F. A. R. T. F. A. R. T. Faced with the prospect of having his stock taken. The shopkeeper starts to pull together the cash. So you've given me, I ain't taking it in that game to transfer it. Money is money. Okay.

He gave him coins. Here you go, bro. He gave him coins to pay his tax bill. Which in all fairness, you know, the English don't have dollars, single dollars, they have pounds. Yeah, of course. Coins, pound, pound coins. But they also have paper.

They do. But maybe, you know. Get him to transfer it. But this motherfucker gets paid in pound coins is what I'm saying. Yeah. For the Doritos, someone gives him a coin. And he does have a point when he says money is money. But he's definitely being a dick.

He's making a job a little difficult for the tax man. Money is money, Baba. Baba. You've given me one thousand. This is the English saying, Baba. Money is money. You've given me one thousand and ten pounds. Look.

One thousand, five hundred and twenty seven pounds. A thousand and ten pounds is fucking money. Money is money, lad. So yeah, you're getting yourself all upset. Money. Yeah. Something else happening. Yeah.

You guys got a life. Yeah. You can't do that. These are my old teeth. Those are the Sears photos we took. Those are years ago. Years. Yeah.

Yeah, but I brought it. I had it adjusted down. Looks great. And then a blue band came here and we threw up the old picture. Looks really good. I'm wearing denim. I don't think you are. I have denim pants on.

Of course I do. My jacket on. Really show my love for the show. Yeah, that's true. Yeah. End net. Do you want to see some more love for the show? Yeah.

Check this out. People have been sending these in. I told you last week and I don't think I could find it. But where is it? End net. End net. It's the Kauai show. End net.

They don't say end net in the right place though. Yeah. Do you want to tell them how to say it right or no? Yeah. I feel like end net. I've heard it just in weird places. See if this is fun. Yeah.

Yes. I love these. Hi mommy. Thanks James. Hi mommy. Can I get a Grundy hot white mocha? Good job. Yes.

Good job. Yes. And also can I get a sausage and cheddar bread for sandwich? Yes. Good job. I always check if they have it. I know. Just have them.

We're actually all out of that. Oh. No. Oh. Fuck off. That's not what he wants. You don't want me. That's fine.

You know what? Just leave it at that. Just the Grundy hot white mocha would be good. Alright. Thanks James. Good work. Yeah. It's a good one.

Oh man. Oh so which item did he want that they were out of? The sausage and cheddar or something. That's at Starbucks right? Yeah. Or Barstux. Yeah. Why are they always out?

That must be a hot ticket item. I don't know. You should get more if you think they're always out. I mean get more. That's true. God. You know I just saw this thing here. Where is it?

Is it as McDonald's on? McDonald's. Somebody did McDonald's. And a Taco Bell one too. Yeah. I saw. God I haven't been there in years. Yeah.

I also used to eat there a lot when we lived in the Rampart because it was right by our old apartment. Remember? You get off that sweet 101 exit on Rampart and it was right there across from a Tommy Burger. Yeah. Cops hang out there at that Tommy Burger by the way. That was a cop hangout.

That was. Yeah. That's right. That's like a, it's a real LA institution that place. Tell them, tell them where we used to live, your cop and see if you guys can cruise through our neighborhood. He'll probably be like, uh-uh bro, we can't go there. I can't.

They're definitely going to say, they're definitely going to be like, we're not going there. Yeah. I told you one time I went to the bank that was just outside of the neighborhood. Yeah. It was down on Wilshire. Yeah. I rode with a sergeant, LAPD Sergeant in the elevator. So I was like, I was trying to get an honest answer.

I was like, what do you think of like this neighborhood? He was like, right here. I go, what? And then I named our neighborhood like the cross streets. He was like, that's terrible. It's terrible place. Really dangerous. I go, how bad?

He goes, oh no, no, no. He's like, I mean, there's streets over there. We won't even drive down the street. I was like, cool man. You just screwed if you call 911, right? Yeah. Yeah. I was like, okay.

That's great man. Um. What happened to the? Hi, mommy. Thanks, jeans. Is it your mom, your mom's house? Is this the one the guy, the guy just did? Is that Josh almost who just sent that one in?

I'm not sure. Okay. Um. I know it's online. The cheat sheet, they're right under each other, right? Yeah. Okay. That one went through the McDonald's one.

Where'd that go? Should be on cheat sheet. Yeah. But it's an empty, it's an empty thing. Ooh. That's a blue band boo boo. It's a blue band. Empty.

Empty file. Uh-oh. Yeah. Someone's going to get the treats taken out of his nest. How about this one? Okay. This has something in it. Let's see.

It's McDonald's. Hey mommy. Can I get a cheeseburger? Actually two cheeseburgers, a McChicken with ranch, no mayo. Good call. Good call. And, uh, a small fry please. All right.

And then what else? Because it is a cheeseburgers McChicken. A small fry. A small fry. All right. Your total is going to be $5.98. Okay. Thanks, Jeans.

So ridiculous. Yeah. It's so funny. Really warms my heart that people are doing this now across the country. Yeah. If we get, if we get some international, uh, hi mommy. Thanks, Jeans. That's a drive-through.

That's great. Yeah. I really, really enjoy that. Um, you know that guy that does the, uh, the, what's it called? So stupid. Hi mommy. Thanks, Jeans. By the way, Barry, who makes the barbecue is dropping off that barbecue tonight.

Maybe I could bring the police there. It's a great idea. Should I go pick it up with the police? You should because I think those guys would also want a rib or two. Yeah. If you would share the queue. You have permission to share my share with them. Okay.

By the way, Barry, I asked you for that video and, um, you sent a still image. So he did this great call where he did customer service and he, uh, Barry did the guy who, who did that. Yeah. And he, um, he had the entire conversation with them. Yeah. Saying mommy, Jeans. And I, I, I direct message him to, uh, to send it, but he sent a still image.

Oh, Barry. You didn't attach the video. You attached a still image. Um, it was really funny. So we'll play it, but you got to, you got to get it right. Thanks, Jeans. Um, nobody said anything and we've been doing this for a while. No one's ever said a thing.

Yeah. And we've even done it to waitresses face to face. Yeah. Oh, you used to do it to the sushi waitress. Yeah. And Redondo, you would go, thanks, Jeans. When she would take her money and then you would flirt with her. She was like, you look beautiful today.

Thank you. Oh yeah. And she was like, wow. My favorite thing was to do that cause you were there. That's what made it fun. Of course. Is that sitting with my wife and I would just go, uh, thanks gorgeous. Well, and she didn't speak English.

She didn't speak English. She didn't speak English. My dad would do that. Yeah. My dad does that shit. Yeah. I mean, I don't know if he does it in front of other. It's kind of generational.

Girlfriend. You know, like. He would do it with me. What'd he do when he was with your step mom? No, but he would eyeball waitresses. Hard. Hard core. Hard fucking core.

Yeah. Yeah, but with me, he would just flirt. Yeah. It was so gross. Nothing's grosser than watching your dad flirt. Really? Except maybe hearing your dad talk about, um, his past girlfriends. Oh my God.

You know, it's the grossest when your dad was visiting. Yeah. And your mom, your mom was playing with Ellis and she was on her hands and knees. Okay. And your dad turns to me and goes, ah, she hasn't been on her hands and knees in a while. And I go, don't tell your son that you're going to hurt him. Thank you.

Thank you. I don't want to hear that. Yeah. I haven't seen her hands and knees in a while. Really? He loves, he loves. Well, what happened if I started flirting? I don't care.

Waiters. They won't care, right? They think that we're like swingers. If the woman does that, then guys will think I'm a swinger. Most actually it's different, the dynamic between men and women. If you flirt with a guy in front of a guy, most guys go, I don't want to, I don't want anything to do with this. Most guys, you know, some of them will flirt back, but a lot of guys are like, because

guys see that as, is, um, is this woman trying to provoke this guy that she's with? Oh, right. Am I going to have to fight this dude? Yeah. This could be a violent encounter. Sure. That's how guys think, you know? Smart.

Yeah. Women do roll with it on either side. Some women that are with a guy like their man flirting, vice versa. Yes. I don't. I don't flirt. Whatever. Whatever.

I certainly don't. No, that's so gross and disrespectful. Yeah. Certainly. I mean, I've never been on a date or out with someone and been like, I'm gonna flirt with other girls. You know? It's so weird.

No. Bobby would. No. I remember one time that we were on an early date. You and me? Yeah. We were. But I went to ask.

I got up and asked the serve or something and when I came back to you went, did you just touch her? And I was like, what? You thought that I leaned down and touched her stomach. Her coach? Her box or something. Like leaned down. Oh, right.

I was like, no. And you're like, oh. I thought you touched her. I was like, what? You probably did. No, I didn't. You're always flirting with all the girls and stuff. You're flirting with our nanny and stuff.

Let's talk about that. I know. So we had to get her. You know, our nanny is this really sweet lady, Guatemalan lady, and we, you know, Christmas is coming. We gotta get her a gift and it's hard to shop for someone like that when you go, well, because I thought because it gets cool around here at night, you get her like a nice sweatshirt or something.

But then you brought a good point up, which is then do they feel the obligation? Right. Oh, I have to wear it. If it's not her style, then she feels obligated to wear it around us and that sucks. So we went to the department store yesterday and I got the idea. What about we get her or I get her some panties and a bra and, but like a crotchless one and holes where the nips are. Yeah.

And I give it to her and I go, you let me know when you're wearing it and like, you know, kind of stand over. No, I suggested that. I could make sure they're crotchless panties. Right. And I suggested, I'll tell her, like, yeah, tell me when you're wearing these. You give it to her. Yeah.

And you go, you give me a signal. Tell me when you're wearing them. And then she'd be like, Miss Cristina, Mr. Tom, you tell me to wear the panties. And I'd be like, don't you tell on me, you give me a signal. And I know what she would do. She would look down and go, I'm wearing them today. I'd be like, yeah. I'm wearing them today.

Yeah. I'm wearing them. Can you imagine anything more soul crushing for her to work in someone's home with her child? And then yeah, I would be, you have to wear these panties. It would be awful. Wear these panties. Some people have done that.

I'm sure, you know, I'm sure. Yeah. Oh yeah. I've heard, um, nightmare stories of nannies flirting with the dad and the family and sleeping with the family dad and that billionaire guy, I think in West Palm, uh, who turned out to be like a pedophile, but he also had kind of a sex ring running through his home, you know, bring in different girls and the staff would cry in the interviews. They're like, the staff was mortified because he had a full, you know, he's a billionaire

cleaning staff and they're, they'd be so sad to be like, the girl is here to see, but the thing about that is those people need those jobs. So they never, yeah, she needs the, they need the work, which is why it's even more messed up. It's so abusive or yeah. We even saw, um, like I made the naughty list this year. Right. Right.

Or just, so there's that kind of subtly sexy. So there's the crotchless panty, which is an over sexual or you do the subtly inappropriate gift, which is the t-shirt that's like naughty, not nice or whatever. I'm on the naughty list. I'm on the naughty list. And she's like, man, maybe he didn't understand the words, you know, like, maybe she doesn't. She's like, oh, okay. And I'm like, no, you know what kind of naughty I'm talking about, right?

And she's like so religious and sweet, she would never, I'm scared today. Speaking of sexy, we saw the arrival last night that, um, that movie and I don't want to be a spoiler, but first of all, I had the wrong movie in mind. I thought I thought it was the, um, the Brad Pitt movie. Yeah. That's not fair. Cause you were like, oh, I was really excited. So was I.

You go, oh, it's a new Brad Pitt movie. He's in a war. Yeah. I thought it was that thriller love story anyways, so excited for it. We see the arrival, Amy Adams. So what happened, by the way, it's really cleverly written. I will say, I don't want to give away the premise totally, but we can set it up a little bit. She is a linguistics professor and spaceships land on earth and they're trying to communicate.

They get her to communicate with the aliens. And upon her first communication with the aliens, they're like, do you like big dicks? That's what they say to her. And she's like, um, what? And then they're like, what's the biggest dick you've ever had? Right. And she's like, she like holds up her fingers and she's like, I guess like that. And they're like, is that a boyfriend or a one night stand?

And then she goes back and she tells the CIA and they go, what'd you tell them? And she goes, I don't know. And they go, go back and tell them you like big dick. So she runs back and she's like, I like big dicks. And then I don't want to give away where it goes from there, but that's kind of the setup. Yeah. Don't want to spoil or alert.

We've already given away too much already. Yeah. What those aliens want. Yeah. Cause at first they're like, we like red heads, send us the red and she's like, oh my gosh, me, I get to communicate. Yeah. It's pretty neat.

Yeah. It's pretty cool. And it was kind of neat to see how many dicks there were. There was a lot. How many she could handle. And, but it was neat that they addressed that early because that's when the problem with so many of these space movies is they don't address the sexual needs of the humans or the aliens at any point, like in the Martian, yeah, I don't know why you're laughing.

It's true. Right. You're like, I'm going to masturbate. Why hasn't he requested pornography? Is he going to come again? Yeah. All those things. Yeah.

Yes. You figured out food. Yes. You figured out water, air, but what about masturbating? Yeah. What about dick touches? And it's good that the aliens, that's our first order of business. Yeah.

A sexual pleasure. Yeah. But it's so funny because you said Brad Pitt was in it and so Amy Adams is in it. And I was, I still hadn't figured out that this wasn't the movie that you set me up for. Sure. I was waiting for Brad Pitt to show up. How far into it were you waiting for him to show up? 30 minutes.

You're like, where's Brad Pitt? I was still like, I wonder if her partner, the other scientist is going to be Brad Pitt. And I'm like, and then it's not him and all, oh, okay, it's definitely not. This is the wrong movie. And then we both said something like, oh, this is definitely not the same, but that's like that slave movie I was watching 10 years of life. That one, that one you're not forgiven for because I remember the details so much. The movie is 12 years of slave.

We are, I got back from Hong Kong, right? And on my way there, I think I watched this movie on the flight. So we're in Florida. We're about to go on that family trip on the cruise. I'm out of my mind because I have jet lag. You start watching 12 years of slave on either you ordered it or it was on HBO or something. It was on cable. Yeah.

It was just in bed. I watched the first 15, 20 minutes with you and there's a scene. And first of all, the title is 12 years of slave. There's already, you know, you can put together the type of movie it is. And the scene that I pass out on is the scene where in the very beginning they're on a river boat and a slave tries to stop a white man from raping a girl and the slave stabs him, kills him, and they throw his body off the back of the river boat. I'm laying next to Christina and she goes, oh my God.

And I go, just give it a little, give it a little, it gets funnier, right? Like I'm thinking that it's registering completely that that's not a true statement. The next morning I get up and she goes, that movie wasn't funny at all. And I was like, yeah, I know. She goes, I was waiting the whole time for the comedy to start. Like really? What part of that made you think that there would be funny stuff later? Well, I thought maybe that was just like the hard setup.

Like, you know how, like, you know, Quentin Tarantino movies, like Django is a really serious plot, but there's also comedic moments to break up the tension and it was right around the time that we've seen Django. And I thought, oh, well, maybe this is someone else's attempt at doing like the slave, the slave comedy. Yeah. Right. Yeah.

Very few people can pull that off. Yeah. But I was thinking maybe there's a subversive element to the story and maybe this will get funny. No, it's all tears in that one. Gosh. I know the wife dies, everybody dies and he's crying alone and I go, I got to stop watching this stuff.

He'll really feel like shit if you watch four years of slave. Maybe not as bad as you'll feel about the arrival though, because again, no, no giveaway here, but it's a white bummer for sure. It's a white bummer. Now, I don't... White people love... Love being upset. Bummers.

Now, I was thinking about why it is that white people, so let's do some other examples. For instance, the one where Hillary Swank is a fighter, what's that movie called? Oh, cry, something cry? Cry babies. But my baby don't cry no more, something like that. Cry, cry. Boys don't cry. Boys don't cry.

Boys don't cry. There's a million of these people. What about the butterfly in the whole thing? Remember that? It's like paralysis and there's always like these babysitting retards and like, you know what I mean? All those things. There's a white people like retarded people and death, cancer, dying children, poverty,

and I don't like these fucking white bummer movies. I don't need to see this shit. This happened, so then we committed suicide together. That's a white bummer. Oh, that movie about Marky Marks in it and the daughter gets captured by a pedophile and murdered and then it's about her being a ghost from the other fucking side. That was a Clint Eastwood one. It was a good movie.

Oh. No, no, no. It's not Clint Eastwood. I'm thinking of The River. It's based on a book. Yeah, The Mystic River. Oh, for fuck's sake. That's a good movie, but it's still a white bummer, you know.

And I call it white bummers because the awards academy, they love throwing awards at these movies. At white bummers. At white bummers. I mean, people love it. Shouldn't they go and change the category to white bummer of the year? Here's the movie that the most white people felt best about being bummed out about this year.

Yes. And Amy Abbs is going to get it. Because my cousin loves white bummers, like whenever it's, you know, the trailer is she lost her legs and then she had cancer and then her daughter died. He's like, you want to go see that and I'm like, no, not at all. That looks horrible. Do you know why? And he feels enriched by the more depressing the storyline, the better he feels about it.

You know who likes white bummers? Show business people. Yeah. I guess. White people who have never had real suffering or hardship in their lives are like, let's go watch this so I can access feelings I can't normally get to. There's enough bummers. And that's what I'm saying.

Life is hard enough. I'm not going to, I don't want to fucking get bummed out at the movies. I was driving last week and I heard on the radio, on the radio. So imagine I'm not seeing anything driving. I hear about this kid dying. Oh my God. He's five years old. And I started crying in the car.

Yeah. I have to change the station. I just sit there and cry for a while. But you liked it, right? Like that was the best part. No. It was horrible. It fucked up my day.

He died in Santa Claus's arms. Right. It was a sick kid. Oh my God. It was a make-and-make-a-wish thing. No, that's what I'm saying though. That 30 seconds of that, you know, bummed me out for the rest of the day. Right.

Well, they're going to make a movie out of it. I don't want to see that movie. I don't want to see that movie. I couldn't handle a news blurb about it. Meryl Streep's going to play Santa. Santa Claus is black, first of all. I've always believed that. Of course.

Yeah. But why do you think so? Why do you think he's black? Just these kids in Florida convinced me when I was in high school. Seriously? Yeah. Why? What do you say?

They're like, of course, they were black and they just told me, you know, he's got a lot of swag and he takes care of shit and he knows how to move and he knows how to get down that chimney even in a difficult way. I don't know. And then they just told me and I just believed it. Okay. So I've never subscribed to the notion that Santa Claus isn't black. He could be.

I think it's got to be weird. You know, when we were walking, I never thought about it until we had a kid. We were at the mall picking up my MacBook. The worst place on earth right now. That was horrible. The wrong mall too. I forgot about that. You're drinking water.

I'm so hydrated. You know, we were sitting there and I saw the Santa Claus line. And I saw all these non-binary white people and I was like, I wonder for them with their children if it's weird to go sit on a white guy's lap. Yeah, it's terrible. I would think that if I were them, I'd be like, no, let's go get a fucking Chinese Santa. Right. Why no Asian Santa?

Why no black Santa? Definitely. Latino, especially in Southern California, there should be a Latino Santa. But I really do think that now here's my one reason maybe Santa is white. Yeah, hear me out. Okay. Uh, it comes from a European tradition, St. Nicholas. Oh, okay.

Yeah. So St. Nicholas, I know he's a hungry St. Nicholas. You know, that's, it's a German. I believe it's a German stuff that Nordic tradition is where St. Nicholas comes from who brings the gifts. I would say sometimes you're good, sometimes you're good. Now there's a, say a Crumpus in Austria who, that's a black Santa. There is a black Santa.

Remember in Amsterdam? Yeah. No. Burt brought me, it's the black Santa. Yeah. It's a chocolate. And it came back and it was a black Santa. That's the, it's an evil guy who goes to the children.

Oh, that's nice. Remember when I told you my, my dad. Yeah. You told me about the witch. Yeah. So, no, the devil. Sorry. The devil goes around the village and if you are bad, you get whipped with branches

and they do that in Germany and Austria too. And he's a black guy. So, that's racist, racist as shit, obviously, but well, you've only drank once a day. Of course you got to make a big deal out of it. I've already cleared. You're the water champ. Thank you. You've been the water champ for as long as I've known you.

Thank you. I mean, I've never even seen anybody try to fuck with you or try to take that title. I didn't even talk about it. And now it's just. I remember the first time I met you in Phoenix. You was on this like the stand-up tour and you came up to me to my set and you go, I've never seen someone drink so much water during such a short set. And I was like, wow, I was, I felt connected to you that you, like that's what you saw.

Well, I recognize this is unusual. Yeah. You just kept drinking and no one said a word. It was almost like if you drank one more bottle of water, someone would have to say something. Yeah. Like you were your pound of the water, but you got to the point where I don't want to show off and you put the water down, but you let them know.

Like you're not fucking around. Yeah. So did you like set out to be the water champ or is this something that just happened or something? It's like a calling. Yeah. It's like, you know, the guy set out to be the fucking, I don't know, the yo-yo champ, you know, you know, in that six a.m. flight, I'll be walking through the airport like,

dude, just don't fucking drink for the next hours. You can sleep on the flight. But you don't do it. Usually I can't. My, just my overwhelming urge to consume more water takes over. But it's a competitive thing too, right? It's also you're putting down numbers. You share these online with people.

People will ask like how many, you know, like what's your record and I know for, for these in a day, it's somewhere in the fifties. Yeah. Yeah. It's true. Yeah. Right. It's true.

How did you, I can't believe you had Joe lie. I didn't have Joe. He brought it up. No. I didn't say anything to him. This is coercion. No, it's not. I'm going to do some investigating and we'll see what happens.

You'll see it. And I know that like gallon wise, it's just over three. Yeah. It's a lot of water, but when someone brings up, you know, dude, I know this guy drinks a lot of water. I go, shut the fuck up. That's what I said. I go, shut the fuck up.

I go, just stop talking about your fucking shitty friend and his shitty water consumption. Yeah. I know the guy. I know the guy. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Man, my friend, he downs like fucking 15 bottles of water a day, bro.

He might drink a thousand in a day. Yeah. It's true. He just drinks water and peas. He drinks water and peas at the same time. Dude. Like sometimes he's peeing while he's drinking. You don't understand.

It's so true. And I feel like I should get a let's go water champ shirt. No, let's go water champ. Unbelievable. You listen. I don't know how you got Joe to participate in this. He just did it. Propaganda machine.

He just did it. You must have coerced him or bribed him somehow. Joe, I forgive you. I know that you don't know all the facts. You only know one side of this story. I'm empty because I've already drank mine. It's such bullshit. I will give you this though.

I have to be honest with you. Cristina is the water champion, but Tommy is the poster champion. Look at those shoulders. Good job, Tommy. She's right. Yeah. It's pretty good. I have horrible posture.

I don't care. It's all right. I can't believe you talked Joe into lying like that. I didn't. Oh, man. I'm going to have to talk to him. You ready for this? I love you.

You know what that means, right? That's our new... It's time to do dates. Ready? Thanks for drinking my water. Fucking rude as shit. You aren't going to drink it anyways. Don't worry.

Right. I've got dates. I have dates. Go ahead. There's some big stuff I got to announce. Are you ready for it? I'm ready. Of course, everybody knows that I'll be in Orlando for the last week of the month doing

New Year's at the Orlando Improv. Then after that, I go to Kansas Ass Shitty and that starts off the New Year. But what I really wanted to tell you guys are the places that are... You're in a... In what? In difficult? In danger. That's the word I'm looking for.

In danger of not getting tickets anymore. Number one is Atlanta. There's single digit tickets left. They're only singles, meaning you can't buy two tickets together. So that's done and we're not adding a second show. Atlanta, I love you. If you're coming, you got them, you're in. Otherwise, you're probably going to miss out.

That is going to be January 21st. Just let you know. Mamiapolis. The third show, it's filling up quick. Make sure you scoop those tickets. That is the 29th of January. Let's see, Chicago. The second show is over half sold.

DC, Saturday is sold out. Friday late is almost sold out. That is in March. But again, if you don't get them now, I'm just letting you know, you might totally miss out. Boston Massive Huge Tits. That's good. We added a third show at the Wilbur. That'll be it.

We won't add more. That's going to be it. Those go on sale Friday. If you're listening, Friday, they're going on sale. And Van Cuter, British Kamiya. That is nearly sold out. I don't know if we're adding there. So if you want to get your tickets, make sure you do.

Portland, Portland, Oregon, we sold out in April. So we added a second show. Make sure you scoop them before they're gone. We can only do two in Portland, Oregon. So there will be no added third show there. Jeans, go ahead. Don't forget, February 12th. Oh my God.

Yeah. Irvine Improved. We're doing your mom's house live, February 12th, 7 p.m. Show. Get your tickets already. Hurry up. Absolutely. The first time we do a venue of that size for the podcast.

And we're really excited. If you guys can come out, we really, really do appreciate it. Also, I'm May 4th and 5th at Stand of Live in Fartnix, Arizona. May 19th through 20th, New York City at the Gotham Comedy Club. June 16th and 17th, I'm in Manfran Disco at the Punchline Comedy Club. So that's what's 2017's doing. It's starting. Yeah.

It's starting. You good there? I'm good. But February 12th, guys, get your tickets now. That's the big one. I love doing it live. Live, it is like this mash-up of the show. Yeah.

The audio. And it's like we're doing a weird version of Stand of Live because we're playing to a live crowd. Yeah. And you'd like to take a shit live in Fartnix. Spread your butt cheeks. Yeah. You do. You do.

So again. White bummers. Don't forget, if you want to see Christina, go to 1000 Ranch dot com and buy some tickets to see those big mushy purples. There you go. Mushy purples. That's top dog. Give me a plug.

He really enunciates mushy purples. Mm-hmm. Mushy. It's fun to have them to read. Tommy, would you marry your dad? Tommy. Tommy. Tommy.

Would you marry your dad? Would you marry your dad? Tommy. Would you marry your dad? Would you? I'm Charo. I'm Polly. I'm Bai.

And you can call me Xer. There you go. Who would you marry? Your mom or your dad? I think I'd marry my dad. Yeah. He's much easier. Yeah.

It's really something. Never burp and fart at the same time. Can you even say that you live? I honor you. The double pipe classic. It's so funny. She's sitting right where you are. My dad during the, in the middle of it's like, I know he's not doing what we do, but clearly

you realize we're recording audio. Yeah. He gets up, walks out, opens the door, gets other people. I'm like, what are you doing? I wanted to get them in here. I'm like, don't you see that we're recording? Yeah. I'm like, well, don't you think that'll screw up the audio of it?

Huh? Nothing. He's just excited because it's a showbiz thing. He likes to be in showbiz. You want to hear Charo's? Yes. I want to hear all of them. We had a really good time, Charo.

That was a good trip. It was so fun. You never know with the folks, man. I think everyone feels like that, right? You're like, oh man. Yes. Because you don't know. I wonder if it's just the three of us without any sister interference, honestly.

Yeah. Well, also there's a nice buffer with having a child. That's the best part. When you have a kid, it changes the dynamic. It changes everything. It's no longer about you. The kids with two dogs to distract. Yeah.

It's perfect. Yeah. All right. Here's Charo. Let me see. I should do it this way. The original mommy. What's up little mommies?

This is child. I'm not just glazing. Glassing. Glassing, excuse me. Can I say the whole thing again? Can I see what I'm saying? Can you just keep going? See, the whole idea there is that I wrote line reads for them.

Yes. But especially with her, you just want her to go ahead and read. No, what is this? Yeah. You don't want her to think too much. Right. Just glass. Just glass.

Can I start again? Okay. What's up little mommies? This is Charo and I'm just glazing. Glassing. Glassing. I start again. What's up little mommies?

Yeah. This is Charo and I'm just glazing. It's part one up and pass it around because I want to kiss this guy. I'm Charo. I'm Polly and I'm B and you can call me zero. That's great. But it's Polly and I. That's okay.

We'll leave it. Polly and Polly. Polly and I. Okay. So again. I'm Polly and I'm B. I'm Charo. I'm Polly.

I'm by and you can call me zero. It's good for her, right? So good. Zero. Zero. I don't have time for non-binary bullshit. Non-binary, she was supposed to say. Right.

She said by not at all. You're a guy or a girl and both and you can kiss my ass. I don't talk like that. I have to be honest with you. Christina is the water champion but Tommy is the poster champion. Look at those shoulders. Good job, Tommy. That's hilarious.

Poster. If you have never burped, I know. Please. Come on, Tommy. If you have never burped or farted at the same time because you even say that you have lived, I honored you the double pipe classic. Can you even say that you've ever? She's so disgusted with it.

If you have never burped and farted at the same time because you even say that you live, I honored you the double pipe classic. I honor you. I honor you. I honor you the double pipe classic. Go to tomseguira.com and click on the store. I get some of the new shed. DJ that sand mouth.

Sand mouth. I love a church. All the shed is fire dog. I can believe what I'm saying. She doesn't realize it until afterwards. That's the key to it. She reads it and she's like what did I say? She also doesn't know slang.

She doesn't know. And she wore a tracksuit. Which I admire actually. It's funny to see her in it though because people are like you're an athlete. But remember when we were at dinner and I was talking to your dad about his brands and she was getting so upset.

She doesn't like it. And so disgusted. But you were saying the key is to act genuinely interested. That's the key. The more that you're like oh that's neat she's like please. She gets bothered by the fact that you're having a real conversation about it.

Because if you're joking part of her is like well this is a joke. If you're serious it bothers her more. Because what was I asking your dad? I forget how I got away with it. Because we did a long conversation. I forget but you did it real sincere. He's top dog.

And then remember the way. Because he will answer very sincerely and that bothers her more. She's like well you know the thing is I'm going to get shit and it's there. You got to really clean it. Well because he goes today was a travel day. Messes it all up.

Messes it all right up. She's like please. Wait remember when the waitress came to the table. Oh yeah he's like oh I didn't tell you who died. And she started laughing so hard. The waitress heard him. I didn't think he had a personality. Because that's our second time having her.

And he goes I didn't tell you who died. That's what he said. I didn't tell you who died. And she goes. Because your dad loves talking about shit and death. Yeah he was my cousin. He said it with a smile. He was real happy about it.

Yeah. Yeah pretty good. That was amazing. I remember one time my friend said would you marry your son. And I said no because that's not my son. I remember one time my friend said would you marry your son. And I said no because that's my son. Oh okay.

I remember one time my friend said would you marry your son. And I said no because that's my son. Because we're of course playing off of the. I was like would you ever date your mom. He's like I really would. I love method man but God's face is still my man. That's what's up. Don't forget to go to your mom's house podcast.com.

And it's the rare truck. Wait just wait. I think she had a stroke. I don't know what was going on there with that one. Slurp. Slurp. Slurp. Wait because I love that he does this and that.

Yeah there's my dad. Slurp. Wait just wait because I love that he does this and that. Yeah. Is he leaving it open? Yeah. Dad. Just walks out.

What is wrong with him? He probably needs to pee badly. He probably needs to pee badly. Because what do I say? Don't forget to go to your mom's house podcast.com. And shop through. But it doesn't say through Amazon. Through there.

Second page. Oh. Oh. He's really like coaching a really old person. No. Why are they coming here? And why don't you have to see mom's? See he was excited.

We're recording right now. Oh. You see that? Nothing. Nothing registered. Hey we're recording right now. Oh. Don't forget to go to your mom's house podcast.com.

It doesn't even say it. Don't forget to go to your mom's house podcast.com. And shop through the Amazon banner. Every time you buy some shit. You are helping the show. Excellent. Like you're homeless. Buy some shit on our store.

And give it to the negating need. Give us a what? What? Try it again. Read it again. There's Jeanette. Yeah. Buy some shit on our store.

And give it to the negating need. I don't know why. Excuse me. What? There's no the. Why are you saying the? Give it to the. Okay.

Buy some shit in our store. And give it to the negating need. Whoa. What am I saying? She doesn't understand what she's saying. Realize that everybody in the room knows what she's saying except her. You're at that comment. Get tickets to see Tom perform live.

Maybe after the show you can click his bad hole. Click his bad hole. Yeah. You can, I'm not going to say that. Okay, said one before you skipped one. Leak is bad, huh? What? Oh.

Oh yeah. Go to the southern ranch.com and get tickets to see Christina perform live. She bring both of her tits. It's pretty good. Fuck boys. Hello. I can't talk like this. Why don't you put your fire to do this, sister?

No. I don't use that word. I know, but it's great. No F boys, hello. Come on. You have to say fuck boy. No fuck boys, hello. Hey, Hitler.

Did you like YouTube? What? Hey, Hitler, do you like YouTube? I love stamps. I got some promo stuff. There you go. Seed saw? What is Seed Saw?

What is that? Tommy, would you marry your mom? Tommy, give me a movement watch. Please, Tommy. Some ad stuff. My preferred pronoun is the original mommy. There you go. She is the original.

Just glassing. What is glassing? Say it in the mic. What is glassing? Glassing is either looking through binoculars or just chilling. Just hanging out. Can you also say that I don't use the F word, please? You want me to say that?

Yeah, say that I don't use the F word. Okay. It's uncomfortable. Okay. Okay. I love you. I love you too. You did a great job.

Really a great job. You know what really bummed me out? Can I get paid for this? Yeah. Okay. Thank you. You're welcome. I love you.

You're welcome. You're welcome. Okay. I recorded her. Then I recorded him in a total fucking amateur move. I stopped recording. Started doing shit. Then they start talking.

And I come in a little late, but he's telling her the Orlando airport story. No, no, but I get part of it. But then I stop again. And now I'm like, okay, we're done. She's sitting on the couch behind you and she has like 20 second fart. No. And I miss it. And you know what?

If we had the fart mic, we would have heard it. Or just if I, the, here's the lesson, by the way, if you're ever stated here. Yeah. And someone like that. Somebody in the room, just leave the mics on. You just leave them recording the entire time. It was so, I was so bummed out about it. Cause top dog, it's just in the middle.

Like I'm, I'm done. I'm just trying to, you know, clean up these files or whatever. And then I just turn up that night. I had to throw my underwear away cause it got in my underwear. I couldn't wear it. And some of it got into my trousers here. Okay. So I had to get on the plane and fly with a little.

Oh my God. He had a kaka on his pants. I thought it was the funniest story. No. It's all right. Nothing I could do. Either that or go home. He had kaka, but he had to sit on the plane with kaka on the pants.

I thought. Yeah. It wasn't real good for the person that sat in there after me. Imagine you sit after that and you're sitting in his shit. Can you have some class in your show? Third class. There's a lot of songs about dad, you know, a lot. People make songs about him.

Holy shit. That was so funny to hear her get mad. It's my new favorite. It is fun, right? You guys are disgusting. She gets so mad at us when we talk about it. We talked about farting, shitting, peeing so much. You know what your dad really liked?

Is when we talked about how we yellow on each other's yellow. Yeah. He goes, I like to let my pee sit there too. And then my mom's like, he'll pee like five times and not flush. We were all, we were real proud about that. Yeah. Yeah. Tom and I do that too.

You want to hear his line reads? Yeah. I got him to do some too. Oh my God. Yeah. That's true. That's true. It was such a big fart though.

Yeah. So upset. Something funny. Okay. Top dog line reads. Did you hear that? Read the title. Yeah.

Total dad jokes. Like his blonde jokes. He's such a dad boner. Yeah. Dad jokes. Yeah. Dad jokes. Dad jokes.

Dad jokes. Dad jokes. Dad jokes. Dad jokes. Dad jokes. He's such a dad boner. Yeah. So the top of the page that I hand him says top dog line reads.

Right. Something funny. Okay. Top dog line reads. I couldn't help it, Tommy. You know, I love my, my own stuff. This is top dog and I just farted. It smells bad, but at least I know what's coming.

There's no feeling like killing the enemy. Well, there's keeping the lady alive for a week in my basement. And buried her in a field, but still the enemy is the enemy. It's good. I remember when I farted and burped at the same time, like remember my first kiss. Actually, it all happened on the same day. He's laughing through his lines. That's why a lot of people burp then fart or fart then burp.

So when you do them at the same time, that's magic. That is a double pipe classic. Nice. It's good. Go to TomCigarette.com and click on the store. Buy stuff from my buddy. Tommy, would you marry your dad? I'm just glassing.

Glass, glass, glass all day. Go to 1000 Ranch.com and buy some tickets to see those big, mushy purples. I have a big announcement. I'm Polly. I'm bi and I'm marrying a squirrel. Would you like to come to the wedding? Go to the Orlando Airport Terminal B, gate 55, men's room, third stall on the left. That's where I left my trousers.

See, now the reason that Charo's laughing is she thinks that it's a made up bit. Right. And that's why afterwards she goes, I thought it was a funny story. I didn't realize. It's true. Yeah. So that's why you're seeing the laughter is because, oh, this is made up. But when she's horrified later or what I played earlier, it's because she realizes it's true.

You got to do the Tommy, would you marry your dad line again? Correct. And that one you just did again. Okay. Tommy, would you marry your dad? He sounds so serious. That's my favorite part. It's funny.

Tommy. Because he's bad at acting, which is so funny. Yeah. But he's too eager. Like your mom, her reluctance is what makes her. I agree. Hilarious. Your dad wants to be in showbiz and that's why it's like different.

It's different. I want to say it's just different. Nope. That's you nailed the analysis of why one works better. Yeah. Comedically. Yes. But his reeds are so flat that it's funny.

That one actually, that's the one. The reason that's the funniest is because I think he delivers that line the best. Right. Because to him, he's, he actually. Would you marry your dad? He doesn't know why that's funny. And that's why it's funny because he's reading it sincerely. Right.

Tommy, would you marry your dad? He's saying it like it's a real thing to ask me. Yeah. That's good. They did great. That one you just did again. Okay. Tommy, would you marry your dad?

Go to the Lander airport. Go to the Orlando airport. Okay. Go to the Orlando airport. Tommy. Terminal B, gate 55, men's room, third stall on the left. That's where I left my trousers. I'm the fart master.

I fart, I shit, and I teach. I love stamps. All this good buddy. I love stamps. Okay. Good. He wants to be an actor. Yeah.

But I like it. He's the best when he's not trying hard. He's the best when he's sincere. But that's so hard for him to do. Right. That's why the phone calls. I used to call my dad and go, I'm going to call you in 10 minutes. For the show.

For my show. Right. And if you listen to the old phone calls, not early, early, but once he realized people were listening. Yeah. And they liked to call with you. Then there was a period where he was like, oh, and he would like be all prepped. And that's when I started to call him from a, like a different line.

Yeah. So that he would just answer. I go, oh, hey, dad. Oh, what's up, buddy? Yeah. So when you hear him answer like that, basically the last few years, it's because he just thinks I'm calling to say hi. Yeah.

Definitely more natural. Yeah. You got to catch him off guard. You got to catch him off guard. These chairs are so fucking uncomfortable. Yeah. I'm just trying to get comfortable. Yeah, man.

I know. I know. That's right. He did a really good job. They both did a really great job. You shouldn't have it available all the time. And yet, somehow, you guys don't ever have it available until most of them don't have it.

But you should have it available. That's the fucking problem. Why don't you have it available? Wow. That's funny. What does she want? I don't know what she wants. I think.

Before he fucking get on on on. She is that it. If he's actually on your menu up there, then take it off the menu. It's not available. Wow. That's, um, I think we have two subway people. Oh yeah. Because let's see.

This one says sounds like Maria went to subway. She's losing her shit. Um, and then there, I swear there's another one. There's another one. She's got hungry butt. She does. Butts all hungry. Uh, wow.

There's a, there's multiple. Let me see if there's another subway. I feel like there's another subway. Why do you, but you're freaking out at the subway employees. Like, dude, you're not the four seasons relaxed. I know, right? God, people get so mad about that shit. Poor person just is working at subway.

Yeah. Just trying not to throw up every day smelling that shit. I don't like subway anymore. I don't give a fuck about none of it. I'm spending money. You're going to give me what I asked for. That's right. I'm special to you.

I'm special to you. Let's have your baby. American cheese. Yes, ma'am. Now you're ignorant bitch. Your mama the bitch. You faggot ass fag. Now you can come outside and we can get it.

Cause I'm a real nigga. Whoa. Jeez. You know when someone's voice trembles too? It's so much rage. She's mad. Oh yeah. Drenaline just.

Something else is going on. Bitch ass nigga. That's what you are. Come on outside since I'm an ignorant bitch. Come on outside since I'm an ignorant bitch. Don't die. Dumb like your mama for having your ass. She should have swallowed your punk ass.

She should have swallowed your punk ass. It's Carla. Whoa. 24-7. Lettuce. You can take some of that lettuce. She goes right back in here. Tomato, salt and pepper.

Yes ma'am. I wanted them all in the oven. Hilarious. Fuck man. Is it subway like the nastiest? Now when you look at it. I used to eat that shit on the road and it's so fake. Like the meat is totally processed.

It's not good man. It's not good. It really sucks. Even the lettuce is frozen. Sometimes it'll have like ice on it. I think when you're doing fast food options. It's the better. It's the one at the top.

Dude I mean yeah. We've all driven through nowhere and been like alright dude. At least I can get spinach and avocado on some shit. She's fucking cheated man. And on my other sandwiches because I was having four. Fuck you. These my grandkids bitch. You're new to stop talking to me while I'm talking to her.

Why you been an unprofessional bitch ass nigga. Cause I don't give no fuck about your job at Subway. And I'm gonna show you that tomorrow. Okay. Well. But when y'all close I see your punk ass when you get off. I see your bitch ass when you get off. I will.

I'm gonna see how the motherfucking same attitude. You had the same attitude. Is that a kid with her? Yeah. Bring your punk ass outside. Same thing you just put on everything else. That's too much lettuce. She's able to go back and forth though.

Yeah. That's kind of the impressive one. Yeah. Wait. She didn't lose her cool that much. Fucking nothing ass nigga. Subway working ass bitch. Damn.

Come on outside. Come on outside. Come on outside. Come your punk ass outside. All the kids are with her. To call my motherfucking husband. Why you talking shit so he can come and dust your punk ass up. You right.

You right. Can I just one of y'all please. Let me. Bring your punk ass out here. Your mother the dumb black bitch. Like I said that whole shit will swallow your punk ass. Whoa. It's so intense.

Yikes. And then she's going to be like mayo. She should have swallowed your faggot ass. You dick sucking ass fat. Don't talk to her. Okay. Take some of that lettuce off. Wow.

Cause I wasn't saying all I asked you was all Italian. I ain't saying nothing else. To make your job smooth. I said all sandwiches was. Oh fuck. I'm a straight ignorant bitch. Bring your punk ass out here. I'm talking like your mama.

I'm talking like your mom. All right. Enough of that. Well let's go back to Maria. Getting anxiety. I know. Maria at Subway is a little more. You know.

Yeah. I'll. It's a double fortune with extra claims. She's like. You should have had it available then. It shouldn't. Why is it unavailable. I like white people rage over silly things more.

Over silly things over black people rage. Well. Yeah. White people getting mad about like. Why isn't that there. I like everyone looking at each other. We think she's asking. I don't know.

But why was the other lady yelling. Um. Like I don't know what started that fight. I don't know. She's mad at a menu. That's what I'm saying. It started after it started after the altercations began. You know.

Yeah. See. I don't know what the other ladies meant. I know that this lady's mad at something stupid. A menu. You know. You don't understand. I think you're just trying to calm me down.

Oh. By the way. It's not a lot. That's not a lot. What I want you to do is. If something's on your fucking menu. Then make it available. Okay.

It is. She does have that. Yes. Make it available. Then you gotta make it available. It's not available. There shouldn't be on the menu. It's a total white chick thing.

Available. Oh yeah. This is the white people get mad about shit that does not matter. Yeah. They're entitled to everything. I moved. I moved. I moved in upstairs.

Six years ago. Six years ago. Six years ago. Yeah. Six years. You have done the same fucking thing for six years. So then you know that. Wow.

But if you know that, then don't expect it to be different. That's on you. One thing that I notice in both subway scenarios. Yeah. Everybody minds their fucking business. Yeah. No one gets involved. Yeah.

Well, who's gonna school this woman? I know. But it's just funny. This guy is like, I'm not even looking at this woman. Of course. I'm tuning this out. Crazy person. No fucking problem.

No fucking problem. That's six fucking years. Okay. Well, what's she, what's really bothering her? It's not that there's something out on the subway menu. You know, her husband and her fought this morning. Yeah. Or she didn't get what she wanted somewhere else.

Yeah. It ain't about the subway, folks. It never is. It's never about the sandwich. It's never about whether they have Parmesan cheese. No. If you're happy, none of the shit bothers you. Me ball marinara thing, you know what, it's a special thing, right?

It's not a special thing. No, no, no, no, no, no. Signature sub. Me ball marinara. Tell me about it. Tell me about it. I don't have it in the sub. Jesus, the poor guy.

Signature sub. I don't have it. Get a fucking me ball sub. I don't have it. Get it. Fucking get it. Shut your fucking head off it. Just fucking make it.

Get it. Tell who? The head office. Oh, tell your head office to make it? I thought she was saying something really different. I don't know what you heard. I like this guy. He's like, what?

Fucking get it. Shut your fucking head off it. Just fucking make it. I don't want to be an asshole to you. I get it. I get your fucking right. I fucking get this. But.

She's losing her mind. That's fucking bullshit. Over what? Over, like, there's no bread left for the sandwich you want. So crazy. Go to another subway. Have you considered that? She's lived upstairs for six years.

That's what she said. Go to another one. Call ahead. Yeah. Don't eat a subway. How about that? Just eat somewhere else. This guy reminds me of you, by the way, here.

Okay. Do you see that? Yeah. That's a lot of shit. Go in there and cover it up. There's cat litter. He's dry eating. He's not puking.

You're lying. He's dry eating. I don't want to eat it. He can't handle it. You really don't like this. Why are you doing this? It's done. That guy has a burp body, too.

Did you see it? He had that big old burp body. Why are you upset? Because you know I don't like the barf and the dry heaving. But it's fat. Yeah. He just couldn't handle it. Some people just can't handle it.

I felt like that during some diaper changes. Oh, yeah. But it's fat. Good one. Good job, kid. But it's fat. That's true. I'm going to see Bart tomorrow.

Where? At the show. In the Laugh Factory. He's going to be super bummed because you're so much skinnier than he is. I know. By the way, we didn't hear back from Fred, the hunter. Glasson. Glasson.

But we got this video of him slapping a bear. Cool. That's going through a trash can. He gets so excited. And there's also toilets in his yard. You want to see? It's really amazing. What is wrong with humanity?

I don't know. What is going on? God damn it. I love that this is a brand new pooter. Oh my God. There you are. There's like a bear's on the dump, sir. Let's try and sneak over and pop him in the butt.

So this is like his idea of a lot of fun, right? I wouldn't fuck with a bear. Yeah. Oh my God. Fred. I'll be right on the butt. That's Fred. Look at those toilets.

Did you hear it? What? I got him. What? Whoa. That was awesome. How many people have counted two on a bear? Oh my God.

Yeah. That was awesome. He's crazy. He's crazy. And there's toilets in his backyard. Yeah. And by the way, he's in Colorado. That's where he's from.

Sure. Not originally. The toilets are... I've got two on bears in Colorado in my backyard. Got a lot. There's two toilets in his backyard. By the way, is Fred my dad? Because he would be that excited about that too.

The high five really solidifies his position as a dad boner. Yeah. High fiving is just the lamest. Yeah. Yeah. He really... My dad loves high fives too. Of course.

All dad boners, that's what they do. Real dads. Real dads only. High fives. Yeah. It's a real dad noise. Yeah. It's pretty good.

Pretty good. Real dads only. Oh man, yeah. Real moms don't approve of bad behavior like that. No. Real moms, they shake their heads, they go. By the way, Bert and I, Bart and I, we weigh in in two weeks. Well, you're already ahead of the curb.

I know. You're so ahead of the curb. He's got no chance. None. I got a text from this buddy of mine in Florida who was at the radio station that Bert did on Thursday and he goes, I think you're going to win. Yeah. And I go, why?

He goes, I just gave him, I just watched him drink six drinks this morning at radio. He had three breakfast sandwiches and two, two burritos. Yeah. He's done. Yeah. Hi. How are you today? Hey, Jeans.

How you doing? Can I get a grilled steak soft taco supreme? Just audio. Bald. Caserito. And hey, what did you want? Cheese roll up. Cheese roll up.

And yeah, can I get in four cheese roll ups? Okay. And that'll do it. Anything else for us? Yep. All right. Thanks, mommy. That's Dave.

That's really good. I like the, hey, Hitler, he's down there. Yeah. It was really unexpected. Hey, Hitler, what did you want? Good work. Very, very unexpected. Hey, Hitler.

Hey, Jeans. Thank you, mommy. Hey, mommy. It's me, Jeans. Hey, Jeans. Hey, mommy. It's your Jeans. Hey, mommy.

It's your Jeans. Yeah. I know. You're the water champ. Thank you. You've been the water champ for as long as I've known you. Thank you. Infuriating.

Yeah. Actually, you have to admit something though. No. This past week. No. Dude, you've seen me taking that big plastic one up after my workouts. What are you talking about? You're blatantly lying.

What plastic ones? What are you talking about? The big water tumbler. I've been drinking that. Oh, you know what? I saw the water tumbler because I saw that it was upstairs in the bedroom and it was full. And then I saw it full.

And then I brought it down because it was full. I probably had five gallons of water. Oh my God. You lie. No, I don't. So much. I've been drinking. I don't want to hear it.

I don't want to hear it. Oh my fucking God. It's true. I was actually stopped and I was like, man, I was just impressed with myself. I had to stop and go like, you're the fucking man. I don't want to hear you. It's true. Your lies.

It's true. Very true. I really want Korean food. I am dying. Well, it's not going to happen. It's going to happen. I'm going to go alone. Oh, you are?

Yeah. After Patreon. Yes. Put that shit down. Yes. Patreon. Put that shit down. After.

We're doing... Oh, cool. Somebody sent in... Just glass. Glass. Somebody sent... Let's see. Bird is fat.

Hey, mommy. Just want to submit some more proof of who the number one water champion is. Oh, stop. As if we need more proof. Tuesday's show at the Ice House was great, obviously a result of superior hydration. Keep up the good work. Thanks, Jeans. This email came in and look what they circled.

That's one photo shopped. After the show. That's a photo shopped. Somebody... It's after the show. It's daylight out. How's that after? Because they have lights on outside.

Wow, those are really good. Yeah. That's not... Anyways. So first of all, that's a photo shopped bottle. Thank you for submitting your art. Yeah. Thank you very much.

Look how thin your beard was. Did you have an email you wanted to read? No. Okay. New fart smell. Hey, mommies, I moved in with my fiancee over a little year ago. Little over a year ago. Now my farts and brown smell like his.

We are currently working opposite shifts and aren't even eating the same foods. I'm very scared that I have lost my fart and brown identity. What do I do? Lots of love. Hannah, I think you should take that one, Jeans. First of all, really interesting problem. Yeah. Real issue there.

Life changing issue. I mean, look, on occasion, my farts have smelled like Tom's, but that's because we've eaten similarly. Now here's the real question. Do your brown smell like? Yeah. Yeah. Because men's brown tends to smell more pungent than women's brown.

So I wouldn't stress too much about the farts. Well, she said fart and brown. Oh, wow. And brown. Oh, wow. And you're not eating the same thing. I find that hard to believe. You're sharing a home.

Could be bacteria in the house that you guys are sharing. Yeah. It could be a beverage. Are you guys sharing the same coffee? Because coffee makes you brown and fart. The main thing I would just emphasize is that this is a breaking point in the relationship. I mean, you need to solve this problem. Right.

Maybe take a trip, I would say, into the wilderness together and pitch a tent face to face. Don't even bring firewood. See if you can make it and see what happens to your browns when you're out there. When you're away from your house is what you're saying, but also when your life is on the line to see how the stresses affect your digestive system. It's a really interesting point. Yeah, that's what I would do. Okay.

It is upsetting for her, though, to not have your own brown identity. I don't think that that's fair. It's really interesting. True water champ mind games, someone writes, they said I had a breakthrough on the identity of true water champion when I started engaging my own water competition with my girlfriend. My girlfriend was formerly very adverse to drinking water. Instead of nagging her and trying to bully her into drinking it, I drew inspiration from your mom's house and simply stated that I was the water champion and I pointed to her

full glass of water as evidence of this. Human beings being prideful creatures, she immediately disagreed, pounded the water to her face and has since started drinking way more water to prove that she is the real water champion. She doesn't realize this was my main plan all along and no matter how much water she drinks, I will always and forever be the water champ regionally, of course, because it was I who put us both back on the path to hydration health. A win for her is a win for me as long as she drinks more water.

If you listened in earlier episodes, mommy Tina actually pulled this exact maneuver on Tommy when she was worried about the color of his urine. So even though Tommy Buns, giant bear that he is, drinks more water by volume, not that the competition has begun, all of his water gains are points scored for Tina because she essentially tricked him into drinking more water. I think if you go back and listen to the origin of the water championship, there really is no doubt that mommy Tina is playing head games with Tommy. Absolutely right.

Thank you for your observation. Well, but I guess we picked up another retarded listener. So there's all, there's that. Stupid. Oh, this one says I'll keep it short because you got to read the other emails, but that hair style is called the scullet, the one that I want Tina to have. Yeah. Let's try.

Let's see. I don't like this hairstyle. This is what I do. This is what I want you to have though. Why do you insist on this? No, I don't like that at all. That is it. That's it.

She's right. He's right. I would say this one is the best, most like it. So we just, we cut the top off. You tell me that you have a special coming out and the promo is you with no hair on top, but long hair on the sides and that that's not going to draw attention to it. You have to think in terms of, I need to drive people's interest into clicking play. So wouldn't that help do it?

A woman with this haircut. Yes. And can you click on the third from the right there? Yeah. I know this guy. Yeah. He's fine. Yes, but only when you start to make your retarded comedy albums.

Why are you making it? No. We're talking about you. You do the world's only retarded comedian and I all do the skull it. Oh yeah. Phil Spector's got a good one. That's not good. Oh, Bill.

That was weird. I mean, that's a, what's his name? Gallagher. Weird Gallagher. Weird Gallagher. Same diff. Yeah. Hogan had that going for a while.

He does. Yeah. Anyways, I still think it's a really good idea that I had for you. Okay. Thank you. Here you go. This is you. Right here.

He's got the blonde hair. See? It's not going to, it's not a successful look. Well, I have to respectfully disagree. Let me see if there's any topics we're forgetting. Okay. I'm about to play the closing song. Now we got it.

We got it. All right. We're going to get some food. We're going to go Patreon. Put the shit down. Patreon. Patreon.com. That's where we do the Patreon episodes.

Patreon. Put the shit down. We got some packages to open. Pakazos. Pakadog. Pakadog. Pakadog. You guys got to take it off.

If you don't have it, and it's on the, you should take it off the fucking menu. Because it says you have it on the menu. I'm taking the fuck off the menu. You imagine that any time a restaurant ran out of anything, they go, we have to remove it from the menu now. It's nonsense. And then we'll reprint these tomorrow. The only point she has is that it's a chain restaurant.

Yeah. And it's a corporate thing. Yeah. Like if you're going to a regular restaurant, they run out of something. Yeah. They didn't order enough. Whatever. It's Saturday night.

But dudes, no. Dude, bro. Bro. I forgot to bro it up with the dudes. Super gay, bro. All right. This was a lot of fun. Thank you guys for listening.

Put the shit down. Your mom's house podcast.com. Please click on it. See what we got. Come to our live Amazon, February 12th, the sperm vine improve. Come see us do the show live. Your mom's house podcast live February 12th, 2017. There you go.

Bye jeans. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Let's just keep going. Let's glass. Let's glass.

Let's glass.