Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura - 376-Your Mom's House with Christina Pazsitzky and Tom Segura

Episode Date: December 28, 2016

Does your shoulder hurt? Have you tired saluting the Fuhrer? We can tell you one thing for sure - It Helps!! Christina considers the Skullet - the haircut that Tommy has been pushing for years. Will you urge her to get it done? Thanks. The Mommies consider potty training for their little boy. What word should they use to describe going number 2? Making brown, caca, taking a dump. Lets figure it out together.  We revisit the EV mic guy and more mommies are doing "Hey, mommy" orders.

What's Glass? What's Glass? Just like that What's Glass? What's Glass? Just Glass Yeah! Just Glass

Oh, we're chillin' Just Glass Yeah! Just Glass Really? Hey, hey! Just Glass Just Glass

Yeah, we're just glasses Just like that That was unbelievable Holy cow Right through this chest Holy smokes We came up here We could slip it along

This big huge metal Big long tall metal We could slip it along here Just Glass Just Glass Glass Just Glass

Just Glass Holy Cow Just Glass Yeah! Just Glass Just Glass Just Glass Pretty good, huh?

So good Just like that What's Glass? Just Glass That was Guy Higgins Just Glassin' Well, that's great Apropos our week

We've been singing the Les Glass song Over and over in the house Last one The song was so good Which I met on 375 That one was excellent too Let's Glass I got a Moose

That was phenomenal Yeah Let's Glass I got a Moose Where is 375? So funny So good Where is that?

Did you steal it? Downloads 375 Replace it There you go There it is, so it was there I didn't see it It's a very cold day in LA today

46 Let's Glass I got a Moose Let's Glass I got a Moose Let's Glass Let's Glass Let's Glass

I got a Moose So good That's Joseph G Wow That's Glass Two great Glassin' songs Just Glassin' is such a great phenomenon Because now it's replaced

Chillin' People say I'm just Glassin' And a lot of people got Glassin' shirts I'll get into more of that after the Open What do you want to do? You want to start the show? I feel like we got so much to catch up on

With the mommies Oh, shit! Thank you for everybody that did their shopping On our Amazon banner And for those of you who haven't Why aren't you doing this? What's wrong with you? Go to yourmomshousepodcast.com

Click on the Amazon banner Go Shop Every time you purchase something It kicks a little back to the show And use it as a bookmark Bookmark it so you don't have to think about it God

Jeez Chase Anyways, let's um Let's Glass Let's Glass Here we go So, the next exercise that you want to do After dislocating your shoulder

And after you've immobilized it Is you're going to do some range of motion And the range of motion you're going to do Is just up to 140 degrees of flexion Which is like, hi I'm the hitler And you can do Just 40 degrees of external rotation Hahaha

Hahaha This shit is big time Who is Randy? Don't bring anyone lovin' to this Come on, we're in a fucking mess Welcome Welcome to yourmomshouse With Tom Segura

Tom Segura And Christina Positsa Christina Positsa Welcome to yourmomshouse Um I don't know why that sounds distorted Yeah, it doesn't sound good I know, but I don't know why

Well, we'll fix it I think we're in a list of things Can't Blue Band figure it out? No, he's not an audio guy You said because it was a copy of No, it's not Now this is the original song? Then I don't know

I don't know why There must be like... Some setting or something, or something Going through that board? There's a volume too high somewhere? No, because it wasn't too high It was super distorted Showing the emails

Here's what's wrong A bunch of people are getting right now Because it's always... When something goes wrong audio wise People go... You know Remember the... We had the old monitor here

I got like a hundred emails And it's all... Probably your HDMI cable Is plugged in all the way You should try it And then the next guy goes Do you have this input? Do you have this output? Do you have this setting?

Everyone tells you a different thing That makes you really upset No, it doesn't make me upset It ends up being like They end up proposing 50 different things So what will happen is That sounds distorted

So someone's going to be... It's this channel, it's this cable It's going to be 50 different suggestions No one can know without being here What the actual Problem is, you know We have the Hitler therapist to help us

So this guy I don't know This is just what he does I like how these guys introduce themselves I don't know if you saw this or not This is how they introduce themselves We're talking about top three exercises That you want to do after dislocating your shoulder

You know, I saw that And I go Is that accurate? And then I go I actually can't dispute that Maybe they are the most famous people On the internet Exactly But you can claim to be

Sure, we're the most famous... I have Bob Schrupp, physical therapist Brad Heineck, physical therapist Together we are the most famous physical therapists on the internet How about top three exercises That you want to do after dislocating your shoulder So Bob and Fuckin' whatever his name

They're the most famous physical therapists Can we claim that? We're the most famous Fart therapists Fart therapists? You think more than anybody? Definitely On the internet

I think we're the most farty And shitty show On the podcast world On the internet Can I see that guy's reaction again? The guy goes, you just give like a hail Hilar and the other guy was like, yup Didn't even

After The first exercise That you want to do after dislocating your shoulder And after you've immobilized it Is you're going to do just some range of motion The range of motion you're going to do Is just up to 140 degrees of collection Which is like...

And you can do Just 40 degrees of external rotation Just like, roll with it We have it dropped Blue band anticipating the need Oh, I love that, good job Who does that? Interesting, but I guess what else

Would you call That move, you know I think if you're thinking with your brain It's just funny that I don't know if for the guy that Is the most famous physical therapist On the internet, I don't know if you realize What you're doing when you put that on the internet

You're putting yourself Saying hail Hitler on the internet Do you know what's going to come to that? Perfect gift Little Photoshop stuff's going to start Your outfits Going to change, first of all Familiar with swatsikas, but they're going to be all over

And it's two white guys too Which is the best, yeah Yeah, the other guy's like, you are That's the way to do it, you got to hail Hitler And you know that that's what he says In all his private sessions too You just got to give a nod to the fear If you want that elbow to heal

A dislocated shoulder Do it, Tom You do it You've been doing it No, I'm making sure that The dislocated shoulder is back in shape Yeah There you go, it feels good

Can you lend a little pencil? No I didn't say that Let's say they called these niggas Always setting me up I'm not setting you up Interesting, we should bring this up So remember last week

I put out a call To our English or anybody in the United Kingdom To let us know if they still say fags For cigarettes I'm writing it to confirm that Yes, we still call cigarettes fags Can I bomb a fag off you Translates to, can I have one of your cigarettes

Interesting I have an actual fag as a friend The other day I asked if I could bomb one of his fags He was fine with that No confusion, he gave me a cigarette Interesting I held that position that it wouldn't change That slide

It's unchallenged Consensus is unchallenged But they also They don't say he's a fag, she's a fag Or something like that I was waiting for this And I'm surprised it took this long To show up

So if we could review real quick Where is this photo even from? It looks like it might be from That show that those two put on The couple Super serious Super serious picture That's a good one

For a while I've been suggesting a hair style To stand out from the rest Stand out from the crowd I know that she's been developing This hour And working on getting An hour shot and I go How about

For the special I know you're going to end up shooting You do something that really pops Like You're scrolling through who specials should I watch And then And then you land on Just imagine you're paging through

Who do I watch And this is the cover art Tell me you're not clicking play Right, well what's the title? The title is Fart shit No, no You know who I look like there, Benjamin Franklin

You do look like Benjamin Franklin It's kind of similar, did he have a skull it? He did Kind of, yeah, yeah Interesting, the coloring and the expression So would it be electricity Please That would be the name of your special

Yeah Oh how about I'm electric Picture that Because I'm And now for the people listening We're looking at Unfortunately it's Photoshopped I wish it were real

But it is the skull it Style that I was encouraging you Where there's no hair on top It's completely shaped but on the sides You're full length And you have an expression that says I got something to say Something interesting going on

It's neat being married deal Tell me what's wrong With standing out with something like this You know Right now I go Oh you got a nice head of hair Here I go, whoa Plus then you're going to be like just another female comic

She's talking about her period, I don't want to hear that But this chick Has shit, this is raw This chick's a little I wouldn't even need to put caution tape Over the Oh no it's already there Is there

Without being there I don't even need like a comedy shirt Flames on it It's a really nice look Thank you Tom You're welcome, I'm glad That you finally could see why Who else would be married you

I remember I was talking about this yesterday We were sitting in the nursery with our son Our one year old now Who is just winding down for the night And you're sitting in your robe In your dad boxers And your slip slips And just a filthy shirt

And your legs are open You're sitting in the one proper chair I'm sitting on the fart chair And you're farting Nuts are hanging out And you go who could be married to you I was like a lot of people And you're like

Here's why A lot of husbands fart Make photo shops of their wife But very few husbands Really unleash with the fury that you do Like who of your friends That are married Like who unloads as hard

As you do on their wife In terms of like the burps The farts You spread your ass cheeks and fart Oh you did this yesterday You got it from the dinner table The kid and I were sitting there You bent over

You put your hands on the table And then you farted As you stood up Do you think a lot of men do that? I think so I don't think many do Why do you think that many don't do that? Because they want to be seen as sexually exciting

We were talking about who goes more savage To their wife than me And then we agreed That Burt definitely does That's true that Burt takes it to that level The stories you've told me Is pretty heinous I know that he clips his fingernails

And then puts them on a piece of scotch tape And then tapes them under the coffee table That is raw That's horrendous He told me about one time he was toying with his asshole I don't like the story at all And then laying in bed was like What's that smell?

And then he was like Oh my god That's really vulgar I don't care if I ever get laid again That's Burt But most of my friends you're right They do dial it back a little more Why do you think that is?

It depends on which friend you're talking about Some of them just have different relate Some of them their wives will fucking kill them We get emails from people That oh me and my spouse Are like you and this and that So we have people that People only know the show version

Which is not far from the real version But I'm saying that they don't actually get to see you In your boxers with your nuts hanging out And not only that Modeling some pretty great behavior For our one year old He's really gonna Because it's in high gear now

He's waving hi And Laughing a lot now Little jokes that we have and it's coming Where he's gonna start ripping them and then laughing And then we're gonna be like oh shit Oh we have to pick a poop word We've been talking about that

That's the whole thing is when you have A one year old You start thinking about potty trainings Coming down the line Well I've been reading in a book About infant psychology That the way to lead into potty training Is you come up with a word that signifies

What's happening very early And you don't make a big deal out of it So when you see that he's pushing out one Because our son grunts one out Today he got on all fours and grunted one out It was gnarly And you're like well what do we call that Poopoo

Or we thought Making brown But then you think about him in school Being like teacher I gotta make a brown Or mommy I gotta go make a brown I actually thought today I realized That he can say dump I need to take a dump

Because I would love to hear a child go I gotta take a dump Like in school I'm not actually crude It's not a curse You can say I have to dump

Do we teach him the whole phrase Take a dump Teacher I gotta take a dump He's like excuse me And he's like I'm gonna dump Right now if I don't get to a toilet He's like

What's gonna make us laugh more Because you have to think about how long It's gonna take to toilet Oh dump will make me laugh Brown's also funny Yeah I gotta make brown And then we can teach him brown and yellow Do you have to make yellow too or brown

Is it yellow and brown Now we go with dump He talking about the size I had a big dump And then what do we go with For peachy do we say That like peachy Yeah

I don't know That's Hungarian too Well you say peachy I have to piss Peachy on thee That's how you say it in Hungarian For me right now I've narrowed it down

To making a brown I gotta make brown Or taking a dump is funny Making brown is one of those that He can get away with it more Because he's so small that people won't think That it's us teaching They'll also figure out

Like it's gonna be an extra beat So it might be funny Because no one else will say it I have to make brown And they're like what And they're like brown And they're like oh okay This was sent

I gotta make a brown Dad I gotta make a brown I gotta make a brown Dad I'm done browning Come white me It's gonna be fun I can't wait for him to start saying this kind of stuff Do you know

Let's glass Somebody sent this This video And it's a Hungarian guy Oh I saw that I was watching it It's really Colorful Explain what's going on

I'm trying to wrap my brain around how hateful this shit is Is it really bad? Well a lot of the stuff you hear your dad My dad saying in Hungarian growing up Like this one Those are immigrants that he's running all over All over They're called the Tiggans

In our gypsies So there's like these are refugees Oh jeez And he's a hongo What was he saying back there? Well he said you know I'd get the fuck out of my way He was actually driving off the road

And he's trying to hit them Well a little secret Some Hungarians are very racist Yeah I wonder if Just a little He said Milban right? At first

Did he say Milban? I thought he said Milban Oh he's saying to them Hey what's up They're coming Migrante Migrante Yeah immigrant

But migrante I don't know that word That he's saying he might be fun of them or something Migrante means immigrant I'm sure But I don't know if that's a Hungarian word Or like a Latin or whatever they are Like he's mimicking Here's the children Hello so he's being a douchebag

It's like sarcastic I know that one And I don't know if it translates to Sons of bitches but Yeah I mean loosely How the fuckers go back Should we be reading this for them For the listeners?

Sorry guys I mean we're just reading it So there's a Hungarian driver And I think it's one of those dash cams And there's these immigrants and he's screaming Like Your wives pick up guns and fight ISIS You just fuck around you filthy dogs Parasite dickheads

I thought you were going to say it as he said it Oh I'm sorry yeah I'm enraptured by this man's level of hate Yeah he's got a lot of hatred You fuck around You filthy dogs There's a lot of people walking on the highway Yeah this is

Usually I've only seen in the Middle East I've actually never seen this in Hungary Well it says it's in France Oh oh oh oh Trucker Rams and Refugees Jeez I didn't know people walk on the highway In France You're just stinky

It definitely has your fucking Musical taste too I like that all this racism is through a dance Like house music Your wives are fighting Against terrorists with machine guns Fuckers Again but I don't know

What the word is they say Same song client Test shake They throw those plastic Craps on the road It's not necessary now because This truck jam is six kilometers Basically I can

Translate really what it is Is the immigrants are filthy They make trash they're horrible They ruin everything It's a table Compulsive head checkers Damn there's so many people walking Yeah

Like why are they trying to climb On the backs of these trucks Oh these poor people I think they're trying to hitch rides Yeah because they're walking on the highway Oh my god Come down from there Come down from there

One of them is on me He is behind me One of them jumped on his truck Damn They're walking between the tractor And the trailer I like the beginning It's like I'm going to go out of a bus

I'm like I know what this is Terrible These poor people Well it's good to know that Hungarians are super sweet and just really Welcoming energy They kind of have that rep in Europe by the way Yeah a lot of anti

Immigrant policies They don't like Albanians They don't like Gypsies They call them gypsies Roma They don't like anybody that's not Hungarian I shouldn't say everybody but it's a lot

Yeah Don't like gays so much either That's your tribe I know Speaking of tribe I got an email from a guy About I fucked up on that crumpest thing

This guy Wrote in from Austria And he's right I fucked it up The guy I was thinking of It's named Sverte Piet Which guy? What are you talking about? We were talking about these European Santa Claus white is what we were talking about

And I was like oh maybe because he's a Nordic Saint or whatever So this guy from Austria wrote in and said that Saint Nicholas Is actually from Turkey so he may have been Darker skinned Yeah and then in the U.S. I think there were like caricatures drawn of him

In the 1800s that drew him white In the U.S. which is probably why we came To adapt to his white We learned from my cousin who listened to I think a PBS thing That the modern day depiction Of Santa Claus as in the fat Guy in the red suit

From a Coca-Cola ad campaign In 1938 So before that he had been depicted As thin and just Like whatever Oh Saint Nicholas is thin But the modern depiction of the fat guy In the red suit was in line

With a Coca-Cola ad campaign That advertising changed how we see Like a saint by the way He's a saint So the black guy that I saw in Amsterdam and my toy that there are like Chocolates of him and everything It's not crumpets

That black guy is called Sverte Piet And it's like Santa's homeboy That is Like his companion and he's a moor From Spain which is why he's so dark Oh the moors, yeah So there's that and yeah I'm totally I'm sure it's totally racist right

It's fucking falling Okay so then it's November 6 Saint Nicholas comes to your house Remember I told you this And you leave your shoes out This is in Hungary it's November 6 And if you're good you get candy And toys in your shoes

And that's named Crumpus In Austria and some other countries I don't know what the fuck they call it in Hungary And they put coal in your shoes and then they hit you With branches And sticks because you're a bad kid And your parents tell the guy in the village Who dresses up like the devil to come and hit you

And my uncle got hit a few years in a row Steve? Yeah And then on December 24th Christmas Eve It's baby Who brings you toys not Santa Really? Yeah so the 24th is our Christmas And baby Jesus brings you toys

See here it's different Yeah I know American holiday Most Americans do it where You know the kid For the whole month is told you know Santa's coming Santa's coming You meet him at a mall he's just on break Yes so how do you justify the mall

How do we explain that? He's traveling dude He's only in town today And then he goes back to the North Pole And then on the 24th Most American kids are taught That he's out now all over the world Delivering the gifts yeah So you know they look out in the sky

Oh yeah you see him up there He's going to fly all over the world That's why you leave out the cookies and the milk You do all that shit And then he's supposed to Come down the chimney the night of Christmas Eve So that when you wake up Christmas day The treats are there

Yeah I know 24th in my house was Christmas I didn't tell me yes we should have brought it Santa just came on the 24th So we kind of meshed those two holidays Yeah He'd be like let's go for our drive and look for Santa And then he'd be like I forgot something

And then he'd run back in put all the gifts out And then we'd come back for our drive Just like I was like 16 Yeah How long did you hold out for? I think by third grade there was a Jewish kid In our class Eric Friedman And he told all of us

He was like whoa whoa I went to a Christian school too And he was like guys The Santa things not real I saw the presents in my parents closet And we were like what Who ruined it for you Which is like how did it hurt I know

Who ruined it for me I think I don't remember I really don't remember how it was ruined Probably Maria Probably Maria Oh my god you're such a kid Guys I didn't know anything What I do remember

Was one time Christmas Eve She goes I saw him Staying out the window and I looked at the window I didn't see anything so I said that I saw him too Maria was like I saw him and my parents were like really And she was like yeah She didn't talk like that back then

Yeah I saw him too I was so upset that she saw him Of course It was like a total liar face And now here's what I couldn't imagine As a kid is being forced To sleep on the most exciting night

In the fucking universe That was a thing too because the older the kids get You know a young kid You can just you know the kids passed out But when you start to get a little older You can fight those instants So did you stay up till like I would stay up till four in the morning looking for him

I couldn't I wouldn't be able to sleep Did you sleep I mean I remember crashing pretty hard You know I also remember actually When I finally knew what was up Having fun Playing that game to my younger sister Like being in on it because it's fun

It is fun to do We can't wait to torture her We tortured her for a few more years That's going to be fun next year when Ellis gets it a little more Yeah This year he doesn't know what's going on I like that photo we got of My niece

She's like eight months old Just terrified of Santa They always are at that age We didn't take our son to meet Santa yet Because it was that new fucking Kylie Some stupid store It popped up near our mall Here and it was just swamped with people

Yeah We couldn't even get in line for Santa Way too many people I don't want to scare my kid I'll wait till next year This I know is going to make you happy So This is a

From the Netflix Someone sent this as a clip from Netflix It's a toilet And In an apartment I mean how would you describe the toilet for our listeners Just a nightmare Somebody made brown

A lot, you know what it's like The train spotting toilet It's pretty bad Look at that whole area though I don't think I would go there I don't like that I'd shit outside If I had diarrhea I'd go outside

I'd shit in my living room before I shit there When we went in the toilet was all plugged They said they haven't used it for a year So I'm going to take this up and try to unplug it See if there's something stuck in it Or anything that's causing it to drain Here comes your lunch Mikey So now he stuffs it in the toilet

To get what's going on out What is in there Dude how do you let it get that bad Yeah Or they said Well these people said they They didn't use the toilet for years So why would you

Why would you not You know How are you just going to neglect to hold a toilet for years I'd say that's priority in the house If the toilet's not working You should probably call Phone call right At the latest

I'd say minute one And all he's going to do is snake that thing So what You know what I mean you're paying a guy just to snake it Well let's see where it goes What's the cost God bless this man for doing this job What did you put in

Oh my God Nasty He got over his leg What the fuck is in there I'll share it If this won't go in the toilet There's something stopping it In the toilet

We find toys in there sometimes Teeth in there He's got one lonely tooth One toothy And he just touches that They're handed the snake He picked it up and then he's like Bro

How about gloves That doesn't give a shit Zero shit's given about anything I've been wearing a hazmat suit This is gnarly Cars, you find a lot of those in there Or feminine hygiene products Oh that grosses you out

I'll probably find whatever in it when I pull the toilet I can feel it It's stuck right there What's your fucking hands This dude knows that the vacuuming is going to trigger the smell So now he's vacuuming up the toilet I can't listen to it

Dude How do you let it get to even bits Over it That is so gnarly Look at his cool haircut too What do you call that look That's pretty much a military cop cut Super high and tight

It's real high and tight It's a reverse skullet I love it Dude this guy is disgusting I'm sorry I can't get over He's covered in feces It's what he does for work He's a busy guy

Would you rather Hold on Do this guy's job Full time as your gig Or be a deck hand On below deck Outdoor crew This guy's job

We've been watching a lot of below deck But this The deck hand That's hard They clean The deck, the windows They get in the water, the barnacles They scrape it off the hull

Then they do They set up the toys The inflatable thing They carry this, lift that And it's all out in the sun 100 degree temperature But you'd be in such great shape You'd be so ripped so fast

Doing that job But heat stroke definitely I'd rather be a deck hand This is terrible Toilets Six days Toilets I can't even look at this

How are you doing? I don't know I feel like I'm one of the thinner guys out there I know what your number is I'm not going to reveal that right now But you look amazing You've been You've been very vigilant

And I think the rewards will show And you have to admit Yeah In the last week Incredible amounts Oh shut up Lies, propaganda Look what I'm doing

I've got a full pint And I've just finished off a chamomile tea I'm seriously drinking so much water You know why you're bringing it up? Because it's the first time you've ever drank that much And you're so stunned by your Brand new thing This new thing called hydration

I get it Here's what happened I can't look at the toilet I went to a spa And I had a massage Yeah I swear to God At the end of it she goes

Do you drink a lot of water? And I turned and I was like It's pretty well known And she goes, your muscles feel very hydrated I swear On our son's life Well, that's what happened I can't roll my eyes far back enough

And she goes, you should just keep that up And I go, yeah, I know You know there's a real water champ at the house That we don't talk about, it's bitsy That dog drinks so much water With her Yorkie sips? She drinks out of her sipper in the crate And she empties it daily

I have to refill it I'm not exaggerating every two days Otherwise, and you know who's not the water champ? Feef I hate drinking water The other big time water champ though Is our son Pound sippy cups

First time I give it to him in the morning He goes boop And then when he puts it down It's down to my holy shit, man He kicks off his day like that Just like his dad No, just like his mom Oh, it's almost done

Watch Oh Oh Dude The back party Wear a mask You know it's gonna smell That was fantastic

I think we have to get into the show The super And I think Someone said they got it on Netflix Bro, if you know it's gonna stink You know it's gonna be dirty Wear a mask and wear your gloves You told me earlier that

The Hitler guy Let me refresh everybody's memory Of what an enthusiastic fellow This guy is This guy here After the first exercise That you want to do after dislocating your shoulder

And after you've immobilized it Is you're gonna do just some range of motion And the range of motion you're gonna do Is just up to 140 degrees Of flexion which is like The Hitler You You said you know how this guy reminds me of

The Evie Mike guy Just how boring those two are Yeah, God Those two boars And if you don't remember The Evie Mike guy This is him It's up to 33,000 views now

Yeah, this was our plug These other views have like a thousand videos Kevin writes Hey Rick, thanks for the great programs I'm really learning a lot I'm thinking about buying an RE320 For my studio and live shows Thanks so much for asking

Let's take a look at how the capsules vary Here we go Here I have the capsules for me The RE20 and the RE320 As you can see they're quite different The RE320 uses the same capsule design As in the RE27MD Each head barrier will be phase sports

The RE20s are The RE320s are integrated Into the capsule structure The RE20 uses a standard gas Magnet to create its energy And the RE320 uses a neodymium Magnet to create its voltage The RE320 will have a brighter and higher output

The RE20 sensitivity Is 1.5 millivolts per Pascal And the RE320s Is 2.5 millivolts And they both have humbucking coils Microphones best for farts and burps The RE20s is an enclosed bobbin Pro non-binary lifestyle

How about his variable de-explained video? I don't know, please Oh, this one only has Hi, I am Marcel, the EV Mike guy Thanks for watching Reading through our viewer mail He gets mail? Right

Hey, Rick I love your series and my EV mics I keep seeing variable D mentioned in some product specs But I'm not really clear on what it is No, please don't explain Sure, Brent That's a great question and thanks so much for asking Variable D is an exclusive EV feature

Found on our RE16 RE20, RE27ND And RE320 premium mics Okay The quick answer is that it's a magical technology That stabilizes the mic's tonal performance Throughout an extended working distance But there's a lot more to it than just that

I want to know more First think about polar patterns The mic is fixed in a sealed housing The front of the element is exposed It'll be on the directional and capture sounds Arriving from all directions So Mike, that's what we want He's so into this

Which is that exaggerated bass response You hear when you get right up on a mic I don't have proximity effect In some situations Cuing that I've done to these mics All three that we're going to show you They're flat There's no additional sweet

This... The most boring video in the world You know what this reminds me of? Watching him Being in high school And trying to take chemistry You're just like Chemistry and physics

I got big solid Ds Ds I dropped out of chemistry I was like, nope Chemistry teacher He liked me so much He was just like... Basically, he talked to me

One time he was like, are you retarded? Because I just... It was like this The cardioid I don't understand anything It's a covalent bond Oh my god Hi

Hi It's so boring I love him Oh my god This is Lady Money Made this It's the Evie Mykai song Die

Made a song The Evie Mykai The Evie Mykai Hi I just... I know He knows so much about microphones Now this is a cardioid dynamic mic

And I'm going to get my lip right up on it Now I'm directly in front of the mic With my lip is touching the grill And you hear what it sounds like Now I'm going to come out about 3 inches I'm 3 inches off on axis Now I'm 3 inches off axis On the other side

3 inches off axis Now I'm about 6 inches off axis 6 inches on axis 6 inches off axis Now I'm out to about 10 inches off As I back off of the mic Jesus Christ Do you think the Evie Mykai

Do you think that he sits in a chair With his legs spread open In boxer shorts And farts in front of his wife and son Maybe in the microphones We got to find out Which microphone is the best to pick up farts Which is the best fart mic

Which is the best to call to Rick The Evie Mykai Which is the best fart mic If we wanted to set up a couple of farts In our studio Should we get a cardioid mic Something with A variable D

Please let us know Very important Can you make a video Can someone email him that question So it's in his inbox Which is the best fart mic He's a He's a good guy this guy

Oh yeah, without question Definitely a good person Probably nice to his wife Probably doesn't Push farts out And smile at her Stuff like that You did give me a lot of head scratchies last night

Which I'm very thankful for So thank you for that In our household I make Tom buy me things But also my other currency Is head scratchies Every time I ask for something you go How many head scratches am I going to get

But you should be more thankful All you tell me you go I woke up today and there's a lot of knots in my hair Why don't you go like I love you But that's what that means Good job But you get one a day

That's how it goes in this house It can't just keep giving him out Increasing your self-esteem Good job My dad and his brother came over For Christmas On Christmas Eve And what did you think? Did you have fun?

I enjoyed them actually, I really had a good time I really respect that I think I told you this Your uncle went to learn a language He went to learn Spanish And he did the program where you Live with a family He was like 70 years old

When he was telling me about it I was like I'm 70 I have that sense of adventure Me too As my uncle was telling us About his experience in Nicaragua My father's eyes couldn't roll Far enough back into his head

It was so funny My dad was just like This is a bullshit Your uncle was sitting In the kitchen Like obstructing the walkway Get the fuck out of the way When he shoved the chair

My dad wore his Christmas track suit It was a Ferrari track suit And he made no Kedli for the chicken Puppet cash, which is really nice You posted a photo of him The only side of his head I should post a better one I will eventually

But it's crazy to watch My dad and my uncle now As a 40 year old woman with a kid I grew up with that These guys are Different world They inhabit another universe They're animals

They're savages My dad told me When you were Alice's age One time I was Cutting films together And you ate a piece of film I go to the doctor We just waited a little bit

That's it I just shit it out, I guess You're fine You're fine You probably could have swallowed Fucking cleaning solution Swaggered I think the highlight

Of the dinner was that we got to talk shit about My ex that mom's cooking That was actually really fun You really liked that part Here's the thing When you date somebody From a culture you hadn't been exposed to before You know, all your

Impressions and opinions About something and become specific To what that person teaches you When we started dating I don't even know if I met someone who said they were Hungarian before And then you know You introduced me to Hungarian traditions And obviously food is like

The big part of a culture If you start dating a Dominican person They're going to cook Specific meals and be like This is what we eat and same thing goes for anywhere You know, German Peruvian, anything So the big

The flagship meal Among Hungarians Is basically chicken paprikas That's the signature dish That's the signature stew thing But I was only exposed to yours Now I love yours Mine's the best

I didn't know what to expect It's the only thing I have exposure to So when you go like Now the first time we went over to your Your dad's When he was with your stepmom And you go, she's making chicken paprikas I was like, oh shit

Because not only did I go, do I love this dish But now I'm going to eat it from an off the boat Right, she's from the old country So it's going to be like It's going to be better So I was like, this is going to be off the charts It was dog It was terrible

I hated her food That whole dinner was terrible There's no flavor in any of the stuff She just had no flavor No love in her food But the alarming thing to me Was that even that they're split up See sometimes people divorce

So they split up and then they go And how about that fuckers cooking I had to live with that We're having chicken paprikas And your dad goes, you know who's Because you were talking about your grandmother She made a good one And he was saying he didn't care for it

Which is crazy because my nana's was The best, my nana She was like a terrible human But her food was really good So anyways, that comes about He hates his mother's You love it And then he goes, I'll tell you who was good

His ex And I couldn't Because it was one of the things That I've held on to for like 10 years I told you Obviously But I felt comfortable because They've been divorced for a while now

I gotta tell you I didn't like that Isn't it feel liberating To be able to talk shit about the former Step-parent Because I was To the point where It stood out to me

How bad her was Can I tell you other shit that she messed up I'm not saying all her stuff was bad But her stuffing Dude, she used to You know like the bag of innards that they give you I know some people put them in their stuffing But hers were like hardened giblets

So it was like you'd be eating like awesome stuffing And then they'd be like Hardened, I don't know Appendix or whatever A cartilage was disgusting She didn't seem like a cooking type No She didn't seem like the loving, nurtured cooking

No Oh my god I also wanted to go like, why are you acting like that was good Because his is terrible too So my dad's, so chicken paprika It's just paprika, onion, garlic It's red chicken dude It's a stew

And all he does is put the chicken in there Some garlic And then paprika And then it's just oil It's oily, greasy Because the chicken juice And that's it It's just grease

Yours is the dog's taste Mine's the best, you know why? Because I got it from this girl A woman named Magdi I think she's on the internet You guys can google Magdi's recipes I have a book that she gave me years ago We usually have it with pasta

Yeah, because the no kelly's hard to make What my dad did, the dumplings Yeah, I like that too That's my death row meal I could eat that every day I love sour cream and everything That's one of those meals too Where if you've never had it

You know, somebody introduced it And you're like, what is going on there? Yeah, it's a lot Because it's poor people food And all Hungarian stuff is poor people stuff Like lecho It's all stew And you're a ranto-tush

It's the same as Milanese Milanese, right, which my father loves It looks like a hammered fried piece of beef Wienerschnitzel All the cultures fry I think they fry the bad bits So you can eat the bad bits Same with stews

You can put anything in a stew I'm theorizing I know you love these Hey Jeans, can I get A number 4 as a medium meal With peach sprite Oh, peach sprite That'll be it

Can I eat that a medium meal? No way That's Anthony Fantes Good job What's this here? How long can I have this? Can I get a number 2 plane With a

Let's see We'll make that a large with a sprite Anything else for you What's that? I could also get You guys wanted to Get a 2 tin piece Chicken McNuggets

I love it Honey mustard And could also get a large french fry On the side with that And a medium chocolate shake Wow That's a lot of food You're not a fucking tom diet

You're not a bird diet No shit You're not quick on the draw Answer already You had 2 of them 2 tin pieces I love nuggets too She said you're welcome

I don't think there's an entree I don't like in McDonald's McDonald's is killer I've never had the chicken sandwich But you like that The McChicken The grilled one I used to have that when I was

Going there 15 years ago and trying to eat healthy You get a grilled piece of chicken You tell them nothing on it but mustard So you know that they're making it specific to you Oh smart And then I would just basically take The bun off and eat a piece of chicken

Wow That's a Move to make when you have No options You're like I'm starving Or there's nothing around here That's how I would go there But they have barfi salads now

They're fried chicken You know what I mean? I'll eat the fuck out of that Now the chicken that's On their chicken sandwiches Is it the same chicken that's in the nuggets? The mashed chicken nuggets One guy that worked at a fast food place

Told me never get anything but beef Really? He's like if you saw Where we're getting half the stuff Ronnie goes at least beef He said it was better to get beef Now what are you going to eat When you

Hi mommy I'll do A venti iced coffee with cold milk and sugar I love it And a venti mocha Anything else? Okay thanks jeans Thanks jeans See

They never say anything It's the perfect crime Or like the lady earlier Who goes thanks jeans You're welcome Well I think Remember when the guy was like hey jean He heard jean was my name

You kept calling me jeans So what are you going to eat After you're done with the diet For people that don't know You know that burnt chrysler Weight loss contest And it's all about who weighs less Essentially january

Second and third The way in The first I fly back It's essentially going to be about january second And third The reason we're doing Back to back If you did a big weight cut

On the second You'd have to do a two day Weight cut Essentially I think on the first We'll probably call in our weights Like hey you know maybe stand On the scale Take a picture

And then We go okay so now you know That you have to do it for two more days You have to weigh in Oh it's top dog Hey buddy Hey dad How you doing?

Hey I'm in the middle of something Oh just came in for my 45 minute power Let me tell you something This knee back in shape Has changed my life Oh good dad good Did you take a big christmas ship by any chance?

No but I had one today at the mall That I texted you about Oh that's right what did you text me that you uh Oh my Using a handicap stall Is like flying first class Oh yeah You have all the room you want

You got your own sink Um dryer there You know you don't have to worry about being your elbows Tight You got room on both sides Yeah And uh So I try to use

It is like flying first class Yeah it's like shitting it's nice And I went in there and had a real Not real big but Nice slide four Yeah A Bristol school Stool scale four

Yeah oh yeah You know and basically It was You know I went four lights For you a third light there's a little bit on it A fourth light And it's good to go It's got to get the toilet that we have

Yeah you got to get that washlet you know to clean your asshole Yeah but it was Yeah I was But I tell you that I bought my calorie book today Yeah It's got calories for every food And every restaurant item That's awesome

Oh hey I wanted to tell you I got a joke for you What What did the policeman say to his stomach I don't know You're under a vest Oh You know what's funny about that joke Is just how horrible it is

Oh good thank god Yeah I'm on the phone baby Okay all right I got to call you back okay Okay buddy Meeting to go to He's yelling at your mom

So he's starting to get fitness too Yeah well I inspired him He said when I saw him So His dogs are really going out What's your first meal That's what I'm saying though to tell people we're doing this big weight loss thing And I haven't

Fucked around In a while now like I haven't had Cheat meals or even snacks Even you had those treats out on Christmas Eve I didn't even try it You didn't try it So I haven't had sugar Any like real carbohydrates

No I get carbs from vegetables but that's it And I haven't had desserts No treats you know none I tell you I think the thing It's not hard to like Cause once you're focused on it you're like yeah I'm not having that I think what I really want to have is a waffle

Yeah A waffle man What do you get on the waffle I'm kind of a purist I like a Belgian waffle I like real maple syrup Yeah I like it to have a little bit of crunch to it

You know what I mean Like a little bit Not burnt but a little crunch And I'll even do something Where I'll double up or I'll do The syrup and whipped cream I like it like that No fruit

No chocolate I'll do that too I'm not the biggest fan of fruit On pancakes and waffles You know some people think that's the big treat To me it's not that appealing Well cause fruit is like It's good food

And you want to be bad I think it kind of takes away From the taste that you're going for In other words I want the waffle Syrup taste The fruit then detracts from it It's not a thrill for me Now I know I brought this up to you

Probably a million times in the last 10 years But we got to go to Belgium Belgium To get a Belgian waffle You've told me this I kind of want to fly there Just for this and do it Because you will shit your pants

How much better those waffles are Than the American shit you have here Their waffles are like really thick Crunchy and you get them on the street And the streets just smell like that wonderful Waffle smell Oh my god Let's see

What's going on The steaks Of the bed If I lose I have to take Bertrand To the Super Bowl in Houston On February 5th

Oh that's coming up So I have to buy tickets Super Bowl, it's expensive Yeah it's very expensive to go to So that'll be February 5th And I also if I lose I have to shave my beard Which is such a hassle

Plus you just had Alan trim it up It's going to be so annoying It's going to suck If he loses I chose, because it was about to go to a sporting event I've never seen Barcelona play Soccer They're like the 96 Chicago Bulls

They are superstars I decided I want to go see Barcelona play Paris In this like I think it's one of the cup finals Or some stage of it February 14th, Valentine's Day Which we don't give a fuck about

So I'm fine with that Thanks Jeans But that means he has to take me to Paris Great And buy tickets to the game It's going to be expensive And shave his beard too So we're going to see just how fat his face is

How long has he had that? He had a goatee for a long time Remember? Yeah I do I do remember That's exciting Jeans You love football How exciting, that'll be fun

They go nuts for soccer over there Oh right This was him like we did his first special Yeah Well The end The end And then

Yeah I like his beard better I think the beard's better than the goatee The goatee like you said just looks like Hair around an asshole It makes your lips look like an asshole Plus it cuts in the most Unflattering Place

See how his chin is not He creates a double chin He kind of created the double chin Yeah I know what you're saying I'm trying to be kind Yeah Well You mean you're going to take him to Paris?

Shit you haven't taken me to Paris That's what we're going to hear a lot of I know We should get Leanne involved in this more I need to hear her Her side? Yeah let's see how he's doing Let's talk to Leanne

Okay I'll set this up real quick What number do you have it? I might actually have it but just give me One second I don't think it's even on this phone On this computer Let's see Oh I have it right here

What do you see? Just using this Oh Here I have her number I'll send it to you Share contact Miss Leanne Miss Leanne

What's Bert doing right now? He's Showering in the backyard He does right? He hoses himself down In the backyard after a workout So while you're doing that I would like to update the listeners

On a little English thing The In-Nit stuff There was a clip last week And I was perplexed by the In-Nit Because it didn't make logical sense That they would say isn't it And I got a tweet from someone From Raz

Hey Jean I like that I'm Jean now Just to fill you in In-Nit is both a short form of isn't it And an alternative no I'm saying Gotcha In-Nit In-Nit

Very cool In-Nit In-Nit Okay let's see If we can get Leanne to comment On Bertrand's Eating

Here we go I hope she picks up Me too She's probably gonna ignore it Hi Bert Hi Tom She might pick up for you Coming from a Skype

Should I text her Shit She's not gonna answer Yeah Oh well Hold on from Skype Hey Tom and I are calling you From Skype

Leanne's so busy All the time She's like a real mom Three kids Two children One adult Child One morbidly obese adult child

If she If she will actually In the meantime I also had An epiphany Like a big one Remember for the longest time I didn't know that In-Nit

And then find that you can tilt The sweet part over And put that Fruity part on your yogurt For the longest time I was scooping it out And then putting it on the yogurt Then smart and final happened Remember where I go

I thought it was like an office supply store When it was like yeah you're smart But all sales are final We looked up what it was Wait and I had no idea It was like a grocery store It still doesn't seem like a good name You thought it was

A corporate board Set up a store that was like Yeah you're smart for shopping here But all sales are final I thought it was like a final sales Place Essentially insulting their customers It's smart and final

You're smart to shop here But all sales are final Because this is like a close out discount store That was your last chance to get this item And then El Torrito We were at El Torrito They were in the parking lot And I see El Torrito

And then I see the little symbol of a bull And I put it together El Torrito Is the little bull Right Now did you know that? I never thought of it But for years I was like El Torrito

I thought of it like El Tortilla For some reason Not a tiny bull Sorry it's a big deal for me I remember You were real excited about it I do remember that You thought it was like a significant breakthrough

But don't you think that's great That for 40 years of my adult life El Torrito just didn't make sense to me You just thought it was like a Mexican name And now I get it Now you get it That's pretty cool For someone that speaks pretty good Spanish

I never thought of El Torrito Being the little bull Just like your Ruth's Crises It bothered you Ruth's Cris Ruth's Cris It's Cris Steakhouse and Ruth bought it It's Ruth's Cris Steakhouse

Yeah It's dumb Our third son No, Tom's Ruth's Cris We're not going to name our next son Tom's Ruth's Cris Third son Second son will be Carl's Jr

Carl's Jr Ellis is going to feel super left out Because he's not food themed You should have been born later Can we call him In-N-Out? You want to just call him that? It's a double entendre That's how he was conceived

And I ate In-N-Out twice a week When I was pregnant with him God damn, yeah Do you love it more than your western bacon barbecue? I do, because it's fresher Carl's Jr western bacon The meat's frozen, it's no good But I do love the onion rings and the barbecue sauce

The cheese and the bacon, god damn I got a couple funny things to play for you Thanks, James This guy gets convicted Of a crime And then he sings an apology in court Shit I'm sure he's totally sane

Oh shit, hold on Keep your business I forgot to switch the audio back Hold on, it's okay No, I mean, oh no, this guy He's probably not pleasing the judge It's not good Keep your business

Keep a Facebook Hello there Here I wanna say I'm sorry For the things I've done And I try and be stronger In this life I chose But I want you to know

That door Are closed Do you think his Attorney is cringing or just Well, I'm trying to figure out what Satan's doing here In the suit Damn, that guy looks weird It's got a good voice, right?

Yeah, he does It's a nice song Yeah, it's a nice song I'm sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry Yes, your honor, I'm sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry Thank you, Your Honor That's so weird It's weird, but it was kind of heartfelt, though

I mean, it was heartfelt, but I don't know if He said to the victim, I don't know if they want to hear a song Yeah It's kind of a weird choice It's kind of singing, George Michael died I know I hate it, and they gave you that weird thing Of like, oh, he had heart failure

Which just means he took too many Pills before you left Yeah By the way, just for people that are Under, basically younger than me If you're younger than 35 You probably have no Recollection

Of how massive this dude was I mean, there was a stretch where He dominated MTV It was just the hits But I mean, I was looking today I go, I want to look at some of these George Michael songs Freedom

Father figures Faith, I want your sex Those songs right there, each were number one hits Don't forget Careless Whisker Oh, here's the thing, we can't play them Because YouTube Will take it down for copyright

But I was thinking was I could throw in an earpiece Just for some people and give you You know what I mean? Well, I mean, I can make, in case you're not familiar What song did you want to sing? Well, what do you want to hear? I like Careless Whiskers

Okay, let me see I'll pull up the lyrics Careless Whisper lyrics Here we go Okay Such a heartfelt, remember he was so serious He's never going to dance again Yeah, it's really good

Guilty feet You have such a good voice Can I sing it? It's just music right now Right now, it's just a keyboard I'm trying to pay tribute, so if you don't mind Having a little respect Just have a little respect

It's still music It's just kind of building Sing it, sing it Oh, I feel so Ah, so Is that it? That's a really long build up for this to start We'll sing it, we're at 30 seconds

Sing the meow Do the heart and mind Heart and mind, right There's no comfort in the truth Maybe pick a song you know the words to Well, I had the lyrics in front of me That was really good Should've known better

Do you like it or no? Nope Shane Lee does a better job than you That's really insulting Well, he's the master Do you want your sex, faith, freedom? Do faith, that's a hard one It's fast

It's really fast Well, I guess it would be nice You don't know the words to fucking faith Well, I'm trying to do this Are you a child of the 80s or not? And wham is good, remember? Jitterbug You put the boom boom into my farts

We're trying to pay tribute If you don't mind Jitterfarts into my farts Here we go A little organ A little church organ playing It's beginning of faith, everybody knows that No, we're doing this for the people that

Don't know and they're going to get An experience right now They're going to get the George Michael experience Through me Is there a guitar in yet? The acoustic guitar And they're like, Tom, give us the experience I'm about to

Okay, close Here we go Quiet Cause it would be nice If I could touch your body I know not everybody Has got a body like you There you go, that was nice

We'll sing the rest I think twice Before I give All the games you play Cause I played at you But I need some time From that emotion Stop looking at me like that

It's horrible, you're terrible You're terrible Thank you Tom, that was wonderful Thank you Showing you the door Not the floor Okay, thank you for the retarded version By the way, remember a time

I didn't know he was gay when I was a kid I was going to say, so Wham was a band he came out with He was in a band called Wham That was colossal So the song is Wake Me Up Before You Go Go It's a really catchy And in the video Yeah, go ahead

Wake me up before you go Go I'm not planning on going solo Okay Yeah, that's it So it was him and his bandmates And they were wearing the shortest of shorts And there was like a catwalk

On a stage And they were wearing shorts that said Life And they were like clapping And their sleeves were rolled up And they were clapping And it was the 80s And the boy George was popular too

And everybody was like, are they gay? Are they? We don't know And then surprise He's totally gay Well even at the height of this stuff Like I want your sex, faith That's when he was a member of the tight jeans

And he had the real The groomed shorts double And I still remember Women would lose their mind Yeah, my sister and Maria and her friends Saw hot Saw hot And I was like, oh that's what like

Because in my mind At that age My only idea Of gay had to be a super effeminate Like hello So I couldn't comprehend Yeah, I think most of us It didn't occur to me

But I think that's why We were so under He was so under the radar with us Because we thought of gay dudes like Liberace He was gay Because George Michael, the women loved him They loved him And then his video had all the naked models

Oh my god, that was the best one They all said later Of course we all knew him It's so funny because back then Being gay was such a big deal Even When Liberace died, he died of AIDS Right, they couldn't even really say it

They didn't want to say it, it's so sad By the way, and I mean it sincerely Rest in peace George Michael He's 53 years old So young That's just Suck, we don't have many of our legends left I think we have Madonna

Yeah Is boy George still alive He is, right? Yeah, as far as I know So this is apparently the Oh wait, do you remember where Frankie goes to Hollywood? Relax, don't do it We didn't know he was gay either

Yeah When you want to come He got a way of saying that in his lyrics When you want to come Because it used to be every fucking dad Would play that in the car And be like And then all of a sudden

Then all of a sudden someone just tells you Oh do you know what this song is about I don't know what it was That's the thing about catchy He made a hit song About busting nuts About not busting nuts I bet most

Middle America was like Such a catchy song Relax, don't do it It was a great song When you want to suck to it Relax And he's all And at the end he's all

And you can hear him He fucking begots at the end of the song And that's the little girl I love this song But those dudes were totally gay too Just like the gays And I was like Would you ever want to marry your mom

So I was like I really would Tommy, when you marry your dad It's never easy It's something that As a team you just kind of Take a breath And

Refocus And look back To what made us Win those games We're just going through your nose He had some dip in his lip He sure did, I used to rock a dip like that I can't see you doing that

I don't like that Stay on the same level And get back to the simple things That made us win I guess I haven't really paid attention I guess enough But you always say It's just going the road

Keep it simple and we should be doing that At home too I think it's just For the whole team It's just another guy That brings Leadership And everything that

On the ice He's one of the hardest working guys A good centerman for us That means a lot In every aspect of the room What's this professional microphone A lot of journalists do that Just their iPhone

They're not playing on the air So they can write their report They're broadcasting with that You always made a very important distinction Many many years ago Thank you You know what I'm saying Totally different

As far as you know This guy's killing it I haven't counted them But it's a lot You know You know You know You know

You know You know I would say it's above 20 Yeah And a Canadian submission Dustin By fugly I don't know

Winnipeg We sell them We don't get a lot of Canadian This might be the first But you know As far as you know I feel like this guy's near the top Yeah

He's at the top of his game I know You know Then there's that one You know You know That was my favorite I know what you're saying

I know what you're saying Who was the guy that did the triple You know what I'm saying The triple That was half ounce Half ounce Let's see if I can find him You know what I'm saying

You know what I'm saying That's the best one And the chug night Top interview I feel like You know what I'm saying Fuck your mother Um

Here we go You know I was still in my music mode too I was writing music Every day I wrote about 15 albums I was writing music every day You know what I mean

You know what I'm saying That was a good one You don't have to get the two conjoined You know When I started fuck with exhibit Exhibit I already had Mitchie Slick Crying down for the agony

I'm talking about Them my niggas They already had Mitchie Slick They already had Their little group I fell in with that group I was fucking I pulled that from memory

That was really amazing This is like a live clip that you found My ex you feel me After that I started fucking with Mitch Right now he's going back and forth He's doing feel me Sometimes just not I mean But then he does

Which is the trifecta Right so in a way In a way this is one of the most Complex you know what I'm saying We've ever had This is the most complex It's layered It's multifaceted

You know what I mean That absolutely blew my mind We made a shirt about it You know what I mean It just became I'm all kind You know how that go That was my niggas

There he is Did you get any Sort of Backlash them As opposed to somebody else in LA How does that work out No not really I don't get no

Negative nothing My nigga Mitchie Slick He had real niggas from there He just collaborated With a real nigga from Eaglewood That's all it was He was just doing na-means for a second But I think he takes it

Just came about Made it worldwide All that now was just like You feel me now See na-mean And they feel me But no I'm talking about It's still not there

Nobody talking bad about it They know real goon That's all it was I got that new exclusive It's way back I just really Put it out That exclusive

Featuring Jessica She from the bay She fuckin' best tomorrow Exclusively you can go get that on iTunes, Amazon, rap ICD, Google Play, Xbox Live Oh yeah My nigga Slick

He hit me up Yeah we got this new track He touched down to the real Diamonds niggas Yeah we got this I know I found a single wood 500 block

You know what it is Wrong kind of records Niggas strong on a steady gang Yeah that Clack, clack, clack, clack There you go That was wild This is uh

Maybe this is the clip Oh yeah yeah You an Inglewood killer fun You know what I'm talking about You know what I'm talking about Right at the boom I was a baby It was hard

You know what I'm talking about I was about that You know what I'm talking about Niggas had a lot of problems 72 times in 8 minutes Niggas had a lot of problems Niggas had a lot of problems with the lord Niggas been to jail

You can now order them To the penitentiary county jail Niggas did all that You know what I'm talking about He did it I heard it You know what I'm talking about I'm a real nigga bitch

Oh shit We can't play that It's starting to fire I'm keeping 1000 I'm possessing the lord It's starting to fire I haven't been there for a couple more things I haven't been there for a while

Gang of shit I ain't even gonna speak on this I beat that I beat that He did it My music name It's so special when he does 3 It's special

Triple rainbow Triple rainbow Oh god it's a triple rainbow Niggas know I bang I know you bang I keep it 1000 I don't know shit because I know you bang

But I'm not banging I'm not dissing nobody I fuck with creeps, I fuck with bloods I fuck with everybody I fuck with hoovers, I fuck with gangsters I fuck with everybody God blesses That's him

God blesses it I love people It's wrong kind You loose them You love the wrong kind You love me Trust me I think I can take my

I'm a real nigga I think I'm done Thank you I feel like I feel like I've got it Wow wait Stupid young Talks about being fresh out of prison

And getting back on track Stupid young That's his name, his rap name I don't know if I'd call myself stupid I'm stupid young man Yeah stupid young I don't know about that one God that made me laugh really hard

I got it I think I understand I don't know if I can listen to him But me personally I fucks with essays all day I fucks with essays They are more mad kinds

I don't understand what's happening here That was a lot He fucks with the essays He does his thing You know what I'm saying You know what I'm talking about You know

We haven't really done vocal fry stuff Wait hold on, his name is Plyes and half ounce right? No that's a totally different person Why did you talk about Plyes? I thought his name was Plyes He shouted out to Plyes Did he?

I thought he said shout out to Plyes Sorry, so his name is half ounce Half ounce yeah Plyes is totally different I don't know who gives the wisdom Oh yeah okay That's a nice way of putting it He's an artist as well

Sorry, you're saying vocal fry Oh yeah I love it We haven't tapped on it in a long time I don't have my fucking board set up But you guys remember You know that vocal fry Apparently there's a really crazy vocal fry in a commercial

It's everywhere I'm Maureen Petrosky and I'm an entertaining expert Wow That's terrible I'm an entertaining expert I'm an entertaining expert Listen to that You guys know what we're looking for

Vocal fry is when you do that It's actually forced You don't do it naturally But some people get so accustomed to talking like that That they They talk like it all the time And it's prevalent amongst younger women To sound smarter

Like some of the Kardashians Yeah I'm Maureen Petrosky and I'm an entertaining expert That's terrible And it's insecure sounding Because you're not projecting And she also did that I'm an entertaining expert

Cabals are perfect for cooking outdoors Over the grill or an open fire See how that How ire is extended She didn't say fire Yeah And it's up talk at the end They're fire

They're an open fire They're perfect for cooking outdoors Over the grill or an open fire A fun way to combine dessert and cocktails Is to add a shot of whiskey to your hot cocoa Hot cocoa God, our vocal fry is terrible God

A shot of whiskey to your hot cocoa Hot cocoa You sound really dumb when you talk this way I mean, there areさ- There's a lot of melodies out there That are common in this world And everything's life And there's noっていう

But there is But there is A big camp But there is A bunch of phrases Of closure Of being, if she warms up If she Tim Large

ольно You know what you've been making me laugh By what you're doing? Around the house so much Is when you curse at Bitsy It's real fire Fire Because you really get mad at her

It's so funny You're like, Bitsy, you asshole You get so mad Well, she's adorable She's the sweetest dog Fuck off, asshole She's so dumb She's the sweetest dog I've ever been around

And literally, I'm holding our son Or I'm carrying a box And, I don't know, most Every dog I've ever had or been around Like, sees you and they go like Oh, I'll go here, she does the exact opposite She sees you and then steps in front of you So I trip on her, I step on her

I'm always like, the fuck are you doing? And she's like, huh? It's unnerving And whenever the kid drops Any morsel of food Bitsy chews it up immediately She also chews feathers, plastic, rocks, glass This morning, Christmas tree

And then she barfed it right up I'm sure that's not good for dogs Unreal What a player Hot cocoa Can I hear more for hot cocoa? That was it Can I hear it again though?

I'm Maureen Petrosky and I'm an entertaining expert Oh my god Cabobs are perfect for cooking outdoors Or an open fire A fun way to combine dessert and cocktails Is to add a shot of whiskey to your hot cocoa Top it off with some toasted marshmallows And graham cracker crumbs

And you have a sweet ending to a night around the fire God, how many calories is it? I would think that a director would just be like You need to stop talking like that When we're going to shoot this whole thing again Stop going fire You sound like an idiot Yeah, you do

The street for your open fire would be to Talk like a person Just project, because what you're Intentionally You're right, it's intentional It's lazy speak It's like you just woke up Yeah

I'm just getting up, man So lazy So lazy Stop talking like that, you asshole There's more I don't have to stress out with last minute guests Just look and see what you have And work with it

No shit, that's advice For me, I'm serving a Jack Daniel single barrel Select the barrel proof And also the rye So there's something for every taste The rye, did you hear that? The barrel She's a barrel

You know what I think it might be? Okay, here's a theory Because appetizers can be as easy as Assembling some things from your pantry It looks fancy, but it's so easy Because she's actually talking Really soft Because that's an ADR, meaning she had to go

And record a voice over Maybe she's not used to being on a microphone And hearing yourself Because it is louder than normal So maybe she's like being timid And work with it And work with that Pantry

Pantry Pantry pad The rye That's bad The barrel and the rye Play the beginning of it The barrel and the rye You don't have to stress out

With last minute guests Just look and see what you have And work with it For me, I'm serving a Jack Daniel Single barrel, select the barrel proof And also the rye So there's something for every taste That is horrible

So we got A funny YouTube comment On one of our videos About Steven Seagal So they sent us this Who are these about us? Who are these two ass clowns exactly? They are playing the video of an interview

Conducted by someone else And an interview neither of them Could ever hope to conduct themselves Even if they somehow did Both would sit there silent As the grave Reverberating the same answers He did the real interviewer

Why? Because he is Steven Seagal And they are a couple of Nobodies who host a No-name talentless radio show That features talking about other people Who have accomplished, seen And done more than they could ever hope to do The entire premise

Of this video is ridiculous And I'm annoyed for even clicking on it Steven Seagal could Or could not be the biggest Joke on the planet But no matter what planet he is on These two are far below him It's not even funny

Try getting a real show, bozos Wow, so he's not even really At the end it sounds like He's not defending Steven Seagal But just that we are below Steven Seagal So he needs to let us know Thank you sir for letting us know And if I have any unexpected guests

Thought it was about I'll put the ride in there And then another comment was This is about you That bitch That bitch wants to throw up Because of Steven Seagal I want to throw up at that grime

Inside her coffee cup That bitch Yeah Did you talk about Oh, you talked about Black Santa Yeah, that's what I already addressed You already read that Would you want to do the would you rather they sent?

I read that, I don't approve of it If I haven't read it Here we go She said Cowboys not diarrhea Is the most racist thing Mommy C.S. ever said when talking about Indians Cowboy, oh right

No, no, that's wrong I said diarrhea, not cowboy So if you're going to quote the joke At least get it correct, that's not what I said You were saying, yeah Go ahead, so wait, why am I racist? Because that was the way you You know, specified which Indian you're talking

Oh, okay, thank you For pointing that out Maybe I could drink a rye Whiskey I want a rye The rye The pantry The pantry

So, we got to wrap this up What is your Thought on the skull? You are dates Oh, okay, well shit Shit, Blanca, first and foremost February 12th, we're doing your mom's house Live

At the Irvine Improve Come and see us do the show Live, we seldom do it So come and see it That is a big show And then May 4th and 5th I'm in Fartnix, Arizona Stand up live, May 19th or 20th

New York City at Gotham Comedy Club June 16th and 17th And Manfred Disco at the Punchline So come see me do those dates, guys Segura, what do you got? I'm in Orlando, Florida For New Year's Eve Then Kans ass

Shitty For the first week in January Then I'm in Oxnard Cox Hard And then The big leg of my tour Begins TomSegura.com

Slash tour And some shows have sold out And we're not adding even So make sure you get your tickets now Like for instance Atlanta's sold out We're not doing a second show There's still some tickets left for New Orleans Louisiana

Clear Farter Near Tampon, Florida Tallahassee So get your tickets A bunch of those are gonna sell out Added a third show in Boston at the Wilbur There's a third show in Mami Appletits, Minneapolis

And there's a third Is there a third Chicago? No, there's a second Chicago There's a second Royal Oak There's a second Portland, Oregon The first one sold out and that's in April So you gotta hop on those tickets Just check out the page TomSegura.com

TomSegura.com Slash tour That's it Jeans There you go Oh, I didn't address this I wanted to address this This is at Hartfeld This really bothered me

The first round of Glass and Shirts that went out I thought you were saying something really different I thought you were gonna tell me something Put me on blast Call me a racist like that Other person just did

Glass and Shirts were below Our standard And it upset me greatly Because we've worked really hard To establish A You know, a consistency Where you know when you get a shirt from us

That is a certain level And so now that I want to apologize To people who got everybody that has Ordered one now, it's already been changed It's been upgraded to a better shirt We started working with a new company They've done a fantastic job So I'm not throwing them under the bus

There was just a Miscommunication when we Place this order because basically what happens Is you get a design You know, you email Yeah, yeah, yeah, order this quantity Do this, do that The previous stock of shirts had sold out

They sent me a thing Do you want the same price For this and in that We lost that it would be A quality difference So it super bummed me out I want to make it up To people that got the lower quality shirt

And I've been trying to figure out a way to do it One thing that I thought of Was if you Send an email And maybe I'll set up A new email address for it You know, so it's just for that I'll do that, I'll set up a new email address

For the next episode and I'll tell you what it is And if you have one of those First Glass and shirts That's a Gilden shirt You're going to send an email to this address It'll just confirm that You ordered one and it was sent to you

And then I'm going to send you A small make up Freebie Nice, very good That's what we're going to do So again, 100 apologies If you've ordered If you're ordering now

A higher quality shirt And I apologize And we will make it up to you And we won't do anything like that again There's that Are you ready to go? Yeah Click on it

Shop around, check it out Come see a show We love you We'll see you next week Bye jeans Hot Hot Hot

Hot Hot Hot Hot Hot Hot Hot Hot

I heard her say a word that I know is distinctly on parliamentary F-A-R-T I farted in the room F-F-A-R-T Nobody wants to talk about F-A-R-T I farted in the room F-F-A-R-T

Nobody wants to talk about I farted What's it like in New York? I farted I farted I farted I farted I farted

I farted Whoop, that's a more than enough I farted I farted I farted I farted I farted I farted

I farted I farted I farted Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus