Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura - 378-Your Mom's House with Christina Pazsitzky and Tom Segura

Episode Date: January 11, 2017

The McAfee Virus guy isn't just a genius when it comes to protecting your PC. He also has discovered that hammocks are great for lounging on and pooping off of. Just listen to this parade of women tell you about it.  Plus, you've picked sides when it comes to #Water, #Posture and #fitness. Now the two jeans break down who has a better #personality. Which side are YOU on?! We have a new most boring video ever. Is it real? Doubtful. More dad accents, Horrible or Hilarious and some Hall Of Fame level ordering of "Hi, Mommy...Thanks, Jeans!"

And now it's time for episode 378 forget your mom's house podcast.com and don't forget Amazon Sorry, I didn't know you're gonna go there Okay, we'll say it Okay, your mom's house podcast calm click on the Amazon batter do the shopping you were gonna do I should just mute you and I'm the better personality. So you probably want to hear me anyways Sorry about Christina. She lives here. So we let her do the show also, but I'm the best You love me the most. I'm the greatest person that you

Look up to and I'm sure I'll be doing this show solo soon and I will It'll be better for all of us. So get ready. Here's the last episode that Christina's on Episode 378 enjoy Enjoy it and she won't be back next week. No problem. You're fired. We love you. Bye Oh Oh Nips

It's so good Genius Puppies Mushy purple why not that's part of the song for a minute did that really well They are mushy purples They're all covered in Skin tags to babe like Morgan Freeman everything freckles. Mm-hmm That was if you haven't figured it out the song mushy purples by emcee fluid bond and DJ glass gender

From Nashville Purple's big hit big hit big it's sweeping the nation. It's glass in the nation personally. I'm a big mushy purple Oh, stop. I think you were a fan of my of my My flap wagons before I had a kid I think you tolerate them now because they're the only set that you get to touch No, I'm not I'm out there on the road. I'm doing stuff. I'm busy The only set I'm touching you think I'm sticking to one set of purples. Yeah. No, I hope so. No Hello, whose boobs are you touching road dog? Hello road dog road?

I'm road. Get out of here. Now that you're all skinny Feeling myself throwing those skinny jeans around This Oh Such a big episode we're gonna get into yeah, why don't we um, why don't we get it going? What do you say purples? You ready to get those purples going? Yeah, man. Let's uh Oh, shit the the fucking shittletator. Did I send myself shit? Fuck shit. Okay. I'll do it. I'll fucking I'll fucking

I'll do it when I'm fucking doing the other thing Okay, um, you are yeah, here we go. Okay. Let's start the show. Ready Jean? Yeah. Yeah, let's party What is god sex? I mean you poop in someone mode He used to make you shit in his mouth like that I've never had to done that before and It was an experience for me and he puts his hands under your butt and He asked you to shit in his mouth and so I

Man Who is randy don't bring anyone loving to this Well, welcome welcome to your mom's house Christina Welcome to your mom's house Oh That was big These are a pilipino ladies. Yeah, um, I don't know if they're pilipino or if they are all

Um, it seemed kind of latin to me. It didn't seem pilipino. Oh, I heard pilipino I thought wouldn't it be funny if they were talking about my dad? Oh He's named me art by jitski Yeah, no, they're talking about a really six a famous guy. Um, no kidding. Yeah his name I have it here in the cheat sheet somewhere hold on This guy macafe

Is that macafe? It says that in the title of the clip macafe shit. What's he known for? He's known for he's the he the macafe antivirus. Right. I thought so. I've heard the name so if you Um, I'm sure you've seen it if you've used a computer anytime in the last Uh, I don't know a pc. I used to have this on my old computer before I had an apple What's that like logo look like macafe? Yeah, it's familiar, right? Yeah, he had a branded virus, right antivirus thing Hey, my is my mic super hot. Yeah, can you turn it down? Yeah. Yeah, that's better. Yeah, there we go That's much better now. Yeah, everyone's seen the um The images, right?

And he told me to make a poop in his mouth and do it poop And they make a messy brown. I'm the human bidet. Yeah Oh, so apparently he's a he's a he's a scat guy. He's a guy. Yeah, he likes he likes uh, a poopy in his mouth I like the poopy in his mouth Wow through a hammock I didn't I missed that. I was so maybe that that part I uh I got ahead of these poor women how How much in a hard way do you have to be for that to be your he did this in belize actually?

I don't know. I would shit I would shit in somebody's mouth. That's not that big of a deal. It's so nasty. Why don't you be so nasty? It's nasty, but it's not That crazy, you know, it was my first time. I was ashamed, but then I got used to it Say she loves it. What do you do? Um sit on this hammock a hammock the hammock has a hole He put in a hammock And after that he lays down on the hammock

then he um You know, he would cut cut a little hole And he would sit there That's what he used it for because he he wanted to have Like scot sex and then I didn't agree with that. Yeah scot sex So let me get this straight. How long do you think it took him to come up with the hammock system? How many how much trial and error? Oh, there's a little bit of it for sure For he's like, wait a minute. You got to get a hammock. You got to cut a hole

This big as the hammock is is ingenious in a number of ways. First of all Who doesn't like it makes the the user comfortable. He's like, oh, let's sit on the hammock, you know So what why is that the hole in the hammock? Then your your body does something on a hammock is in that it's naturally Designed to poop better because of the hanging Interesting grabbing your body weight is pulled down more. Wow, right? So that's exactly kind of ideal way to shit Your body weight's pushing. Let me think hold on. Let me think Maybe and I think too if the hammock is just low enough that your feet touch the ground and it pushes your knees kind of up Towards you in his mouth

God Damn it. And this is belize. So these are third world dumps these chicks are taking. Yeah, this is not You know, you're saying after the steakhouse at flemmings. You're not swiss dumps Right that's the distinction you're making that if it were a nice first world country, this would be a flavorful thing to do less bacteria What is god sex? I mean you poop in someone more He used to make you shit in his mouth Like that She has a sense of humor about it. She's not say trump. I've never had the done that before and yeah

It was an experience for me and I like it puts his name under your butt And he asked you to shit in his mouth Yeah, one of these girls is scarred regular intercor like vaginal intercourse. No, it's an easy gig None of that easy. That was the only thing I did That was it. Talk about an easy gig. It is a good gig now that I think about it You know, same with these guys who liked getting kicked in the nuts Uh, these guys who like getting farted in the mouth Shitting in the mouth. These are all dreams of yours. Super easy money. All your dreams. Yeah, absolutely. He asked you to shit in his mouth

Yeah, it's nice, right? Poop in someone moat And they're such nice girls. Yeah, they're so like just sweet. I like the kind of the little bigger one who who's really smiling She's like, I think she's everyday And now someone wants to eat it. It's a nice experience. She said it was an experience. It's an experience Yeah, I guess I mean if somebody wanted, you know, to hire you to do that, I don't I don't know that How much do you think she'd they get for that? I don't know. He's in Belize. I'm sure he was just like Do you want a hundred bucks and then a hundred bucks? Yeah, I I think that's too much for Belize

No, I think the reason he would do that is that so it's undeniable because a hundred bucks is nothing to him Sure. So yeah, he'd probably be like You know, don't worry about it. Just keep keep coming over here and shitting over here But these they he should have also said don't talk about it. Yeah, these chicks did a documentary on him Yeah, let's see. Um, that's such a so wait a minute. So they poop in his mouth That can't be good for you How do you not get sick from that? Good question You want to see what he looks like? Absolutely. Can I guess? Wait before you do it? Yeah, okay. Here's my guess

Obviously a white guy You got that I'm gonna go 50s I'm gonna go Reddish brown hair kind of like the stapler this this wing line stapler guy in the office space Reddish brown hair and disgusting facial hair. Okay. Okay. Go ahead Oh Yeah

Wow, well, uh, he's not out of shape. I imagined him out of shape He's got problems. That's him and believes for sure. You know what this guy doesn't look like Not the guy who wants to get his mouth shit in, you know, like he looks like the guy Who likes to get his mouth fucking a man. Shit. This guy takes the loaves loaves in his mouth Let's smile too. He's like that's that's him when he meets you Looking at you if you're a woman and he's like imagining that dump in his mouth, you know I wonder what that fast. I don't I actually understand After our show, I think our show helped me understand the fart fetish more. Yeah people that were like and I started to understand

Oh, especially when they're like, I like the idea of the pretty beautiful woman Right with the dirty smell and you're like, okay, it's taboo. There's a taboo there. Totally get it Shit in your mouth is such another level for me. I mean, why? Well, it's so It's not even disgusting on a subjective level. You know, it's it's such a health hazard You know, it's it's something that can make you so Unbelievably sick. It's so god damn square I just don't understand what the fuck the the allure is and to think that

Such a nerd. Geez. Look at this one. It looks like this. See this was after he ate a bad shit. Yes This is hepatitis. This is not I have to take a bad shit. This is I ate someone's shit and I don't believe Yeah, well in here. Yeah, hi shit I crap for dui and gum possession the thing is Oh, yeah, he this guy's crazy If you're gonna let some chicks shit in your mouth do it in the first world because Listen to you. I'm telling you like that makes a difference. Of course. There's hepatitis Of course, it doesn't make a difference. There's worms ringworm. I don't know what I'm talking about

Absolutely, you're so far off. Of course. I'm far. I'm just fucking kidding. Come on. I don't know Let's see. Um, let's see what he's worth Oh my god, he must be worth a lot That everyone had that yeah Well, that that's when you go to Belize and get girls to shit in your mouth because life is no longer exciting for you Looks like uh, right? What what else can you do with your life? You there? His uh, his Belize compound where he lived before he snuck out of the country to avoid talking to police about a murder Well, boy was burned to the ground. Oh, wow. Wow. This guy's scandalous

Yeah, so he's walking around these poor girls are probably just Traumatized him. Hey, come here You gotta take a shit Don't take shit. Yeah, he drive through the village. It was gotta take a dump. What? Maybe he goes to starbucks there. It says he lived with a harem of young women Of course, I did a dozen some of which he said were presented to him as 16 year old prostitutes Oh my god. Yeah, not the coolest guy that we've talked about feeding them fiber. Yeah You got shit yet?

I'm gonna take shit. So we should catch people up. Obviously Last week I was here and I was telling you that I hoped I I would be having a still have a beard and I do Because you are the weight loss champ. I am the weight loss champion of the entire world Congratulations. Thank you. Thank you very much. That was a victory. You're well dessert And really both of you are winners at the end of the day, right? We are we are both not as bad as you were a bigger winner a better winner. Yes And uh, last last week monday

It was a tough episode to get through because I was in the middle of that weight cut. I remember I was like staring at water I was like, oh Yeah brutal weight cutting, but it's not so hard for you to refrain from drinking water because you don't normally drink that much Anyways, you know, it's funny. Jeff tate said it best went with my water consumption. He goes, you're not just Winning the water drinking Battles you're running up the score And I was like, what a what an appropriate Thing to say, you know, I was gonna offer jeff tate some feature weeks, but i'm not gonna anymore

I'm sure he's deeply offended. He said dumb shit like that. Yeah, do you think he wants to feature for you? Maybe he does I don't think so. Why not? Probably because he's Above that. Yeah, I know but I've got a better personality than you and I feel like he'd want to hang out with me more This is the dumbest thing you've said yet and this one's gonna hurt your feelings. You brought this up last night I don't know why you brought it up But you're trying to talk about which of us has a better personality. We'll get back to your weight loss too I don't want to be a little that. Well, I was talking about that last night. I don't know how it came up

But I thought to myself It's obvious that I have a better personality than you And it must be hard being you know And I know I couldn't tell if you were joking or what was going on. Of course. I'm not joking I'm serious. I have such a better personality than you. I drink more water literally This one is so silly. It's a letter of that. No, it's so silly. I mean, I I can take into account some of the jokes, you know Even though it's clearly night and day with this water stuff that i'm a bigger consumer when it comes to personality Yes, I'm so much better than you. Not even one person that knows the two of us. That's so untrue. First of all, okay

Can I may I share an example? Anybody that knows the two of us is around you like, you know, like, oh like people love me people love me They know they love you. Nobody loves you the way the way people like me That's not so much more than you. No, nobody feels that way. Everybody feels that way people tolerate you It's true people are okay with you being around I'm celebrated It's totally different. You know, well, I know I know you're more popular than me Uh, like you're you're definitely famous like, you know what I mean? You're famous or more famous is that's not what i'm talking about

But i'm saying like in our private life It's me 10 to 1. No people like me. So first of all your family like me Way more than they like it. It's it's so obvious your dad talks to me all the time He enjoys my company. Your mother likes me. He likes those mushy purples It's only only talking to you for that When we're in green rooms, this is you Wait, when are we in green like we've been in green rooms together if we happen to work a weekend together And you'll you'll be on your phone the whole time and like the poor mc in future

And the wait staff they they come in they're like can I help you and you're just like Yeah, that's okay. You know, you're talking about a work environment. It's a totally different thing, but yeah If you go to all the any comedy club and you go like yeah, but like who's your favorite? I'm on their list for sure. Who's your favorite comic or favorite person person person me Everybody likes me more. No, no one would have you on their list If you if you talk about like oh the valet the guy that you know the the host At the at the restaurant they greet you and you're and it's like hey, you met that couple that they would all be like That guy was great. He was so much fun. It's so dumb. He brought he just brought a certain level

He had such a dynamic personality And he was so fun just to have a he was charming We should you know, we should do you should ask our friends and then they would say like oh, he brought that dud with him But but I guess, you know, I don't know. He's maybe he's doing a favor I think we should ask the people in our lives You're gonna get your feelings hurt horrible to vote for who they like like who's got a and I'm not saying who they like more But who's got a better personality and I just I think in my heart that it's you really know Yeah, really think that my personality like I'm just more fun

You're not more fun I'm so much more fun much colder. You're colder Much I have two dogs that I lavish with love that you're one of those my baby You're one of those people like I'm not good with people. I like animals and which is fine. It's fine I think the animals appreciate it. They need you. I'm nothing but human beings feel like you're cold Nobody says that about me. Absolutely much who said that about me much more kind of a downtrodden weather Yeah, and definitely you said last night you're like you're you're more like sullen

Sulky. Yes. Yeah, I am and I am but not all the time. No, but most of the time Yeah, like I would say that I've I'm definitely a dark-sided. I'm I'm more the dark side of course. I'm dork-sided I'm not I'm not like a you know, bimbo Free. Hey, what's I'm a bimbo free, you know, like all the time. Yeah, I know I'm definitely dark But I also I think that my person I'm friend. I'm friendlier to people. I'm just more dynamic than you No, and no Um, I'm more loving and I already know what's gonna happen by the way on these emails We're gonna get bombarded with like I love it's gonna be all chicks that go

I just want to say I saw that episode and that I love Christina You're definitely my favorite and they'll talk about how to love you But just know they're doing that the way someone does to like a kid who got left out like didn't get picked on the team And right so everybody's like oh, we're playing ball and one kid's standing on the sideline like I wish I could play and then a lady comes over puts our arm around them That's what's gonna happen. Okay, so you're gonna get a bunch of chicks Well, I'm not telling you that you're the fucking winning person. I'm the personality champion. I'm also the water champion You might be the weight loss champion. Yeah, but I'm the personality champ and the water champ. Thank you

I'm drinking look mine's been open for a long time. You're just opening my fourth one of the bullshit liar You fucking lie first of all The filtration system in our house isn't working Who demanded that we pull over and get water before the show me You didn't even notice that shit because you don't care. I drink gallons of water a day. What is wrong with you? It's not a battle anymore. It's in the past now, man. I'm the personality champ So as the personality champion Because my personality is just more loving and kind and giving I'd like to discuss your weight loss some more

Everybody wants to know how are you feeling? How'd you do it? Just like after glow because you have so much good reason to glow from uh, you are right. I I do and um I also thought about that. I would do at some point. I think I'm gonna do Uh, a an episode of your mom's house like an extra episode just dedicated to weight loss That's a great idea. Just talk all about everything. I'll give you the quick summary of the left Just so people know all about the wage and everything You know, we touched on it. I don't know if you watched joe rogan last week on monday and tuesday

Burkreicher and I went and spent two full days Uh, where we were we had a weight loss bet going here's people because a few people have misinterpreted The bet just so they know what the bet was because I even seen some people go well technically no No, you don't know what the wager was the wager was this it was not Uh a percentage of body weight. It was not Who started where and ended up where it was a straight up who weighs less By the date that's it. So for everybody's like, well, what if the bmi or what if the We had a he and I had a straight up

Who could lose more weight bet? Okay That's first secondly As far as the starting weights when the bet was sealed like it was when the handshake was made Over the phone he claimed to be 240 And then I said I was 242 And were you lying? I was between this is when you started when we started our bet Okay, and when was this what month it was november early november. Oh, wow. I started losing weight in august He uh, and he he said he was 240 when we started the bet a week afterwards. He told me he was 250

Okay, meaning he's weighs more than what he claimed. I When I said I was 242 I was maybe 244 So I was in the range He said he was 250 when we did rogan. He goes. I was 256. So he added another six pounds interesting But that's a birdism because here's why He the 256 is what he weighed After on Thanksgiving after he binged ate and drank. So it was an inflated number. In other words, he's giving himself

Too much credit for having lost. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Maybe he was 250 when he said he was 240 Here's the point We both lost a bunch of legit weight and then in the last couple days We did a water cut which is like what? wrestlers and fighters do to make way that was so miserable because we both because our side bet was this Well, here's the other thing. I hated the bet was made with Ari airy Schaefer the comedian who His whole thing was he wanted us to get out of obesity on the bmi fail. It's really funny by the way

To just be overweight and not obese. Yeah now if you listen to the podcast where the where the bet was made There is height is brought into it and height has an effect on your bmi. This is what people don't know This is where the discrepancy and all the the bickering came afterwards so If you want to be out of obesity and simply overweight According to the bmi scale and you're six one You are uh, you I think you have to wait 227. Okay. So the whole thing was like get to 227 Bert and I had a side bet of whoever got lower

Wins not only that the bet But also the loser would have to shave their beard. So that was our side bet So that's why we kept trying to go below that After the bet was initially made I got a call a call from from Ari Shafir airy Schaefer. Yeah, and we started to go over This bet and he goes well, you know height wise if there's a discrepancy between the two of you Um, you know, then he might be able to you might be able to weigh more than you and I told him I'm not doing that

Right. So you guys discussed that early in the game people don't know and he and and so for people that go like Well, what do you mean? I told him I go dude. I'm doing a straight-up weight loss challenge with Bert Like that's what I'm agreeing to And we had a conversation which he did agree to and I said just tell me what the goal weight is And he was Which in Ari is 227. Okay now in Going further in this thing we then

Weighed in on day one on day one of the weigh-in Bert was 221 And I was 219. So we absolutely smashed the goal weight. He did great. I was so nervous by the way I was watching on um, Joe Rogan's website. Yeah, Joe Rogan. What is it dot live live? Yeah And I was sitting in this room alone with the dogs just like freaking out biting my nails because Bert weighed in first That's right now and when he got there, let's say yeah, let's let's go through the moment Dude when he got to when he got so exciting. He got to Rogan. He goes, um

First he goes, yeah, I'm running there from his house from his house Which was like 13 miles turned out. He took an uber to the corner and then just jog shut up. He did Yeah, yeah, but he ran in his house. Funny. How fun. I did not know that he had a cup with him hilarious And I was like, ah, I got this dude I thought maybe Bert doesn't know to avoid fluid Yeah, so I thought he was gonna down a cup of water, which I was so excited about on day one I was watching him. Yeah, he was chewing ice and spitting it out and like chewing some of it sucking on it

Because he was dehydrated. Anyways, I go, what do you think you weigh? He's like, I think 227 Like he thought he was at the goal weight and I like he was like, I think I'm shaped my beard I go, okay, and I looked at him and I knew you know, he looked like he was thinner than he had been Yeah, he's definitely he looks much better. Yeah, he looks much better. The other part I have to backtrack before I get to this. Yes after that Ari Schaefer call about The uh, the goal weight thing I immediately called Bert, which he would attest to And said, hey, I just talked to shafir And he's talking about like half inch here and how the boy and Bert was like, no, it's a straight up weight loss

So that's just for the people who go well technically if your height is this and the bmi we agreed to terms right yes now When we're waiting, I really do think Bert must be like 225 So we hold on hold on but let's back it up a little bit more because Can we be frank here about what you did the night before that way in? Can we tell the audience really what went down the lunacy that went down in this house because it was fucking I've known you for 12 plus years now

I have never seen you this laser focused this disciplined and this determined to win And now I've seen you focused like I don't get me wrong. You're very disciplined even keeled dude But this was I I was scared a little by day the second day of the second day was I was getting a little nervous That something was going to go wrong that we'd have to go to the hospital or you'd be sick So the night but tell tell people what you did Before the first way okay, again, this is you know, so fucking crazy We legit were down both of us were down below The 227 right so you knew that you you'd already won the general about the getting lower

So I I talked to a um a fighter Jake Smith This guy so just to be clear you don't you'd already won the bet is what you're saying Well, I knew that I knew that I was you may you made the way and I'm saying that came from months of Eating keto and doing a lot of you did it. You did it the right way. Yeah now What you were concerned with was having your beard shaved Yeah, and also just the win you just want to win you wanted to to to beat Bert. Yeah, I just wanted to win so Uh, my buddy this guy hit me up. We were talking and he tells me about the week of so actually my my

Real cut started so bananas my cut started in Orlando Because he told me that I'll just tell you what he said. Yeah, he said the weight the week before You want to start drinking nothing but distilled water great This is to ensure the body gets into flushing mode. All right Uh drinking lots of water early on the body will down regulate aldosterone a hormone that acts to conserve sodium and secrete potassium And when you suddenly reduce the amount of you drink in the middle of the week Your body will still be in flushing mode. You piss a lot So some fighters like to reduce the water after Tuesday to three quarters of Wednesday half gallon like to say whatever

He goes, I personally don't do that. It's up to you. Here's how he does it sunday two gallons Monday one gallon Tuesday one gallon Wednesday one gallon Thursday one gallon and then you stop drinking exactly 24 hours before you weigh in Friday no water until after you weigh in so all I did was Waterwise I did a modified version of what he told me to do. What was the modification? I did two gallons on Thursday One gallon Friday one gallon Saturday

Half a gallon sunday and the reason I did that was that I knew that I had two days of weigh-ins So I knew that I would want to It was okay to weigh to to drink more on sunday before a monday weigh-in And then drink far less monday for a Tuesday because we had a two-day weigh-in. That was crazy I hate the two-day weigh-in. I fucking hated that part. It was more dramatic brutal So what I did was I did all those things with water. I mean, I was still eating Of a very keto diet, which was like high fat moderate protein just uh greens. Yeah eating clean

Um, and then he also gave me a tip that this uh, albeline is like this uh, uh, uh, this yeah I know what that is now a makeup remover. I think thing. I don't know but anyways fighters use it They put it all over the body opens up your pores and then you sweat more in a sweaty situation So what I would do is Um at night wait a minute what you would do or what I would help you do well I mean, can we be sure real here? It was it was a mommy and mommy effort You're gonna take a hot bath. All right. So we we've made it. We drew a hot bath. Okay, and then Rub that all over my body. I rubbed that all over your body. That's right

And as a dutiful wife, I shaved your back. Yes thoroughly. It took about half hour. I did not take Yes, it did. No, it did. I I shaved your back down Nice and dolphin smooth and then that was that shit on your body and you get in the hot you get in the hot bath Uh sweat. Oh and we turned the heat on Heat and that's right heat in the bathroom and the hot water Here's another thing I learned and not even from him. I was just reading about this a lot of people Get to that sweating and then you shower Obviously they go home and take a shower now

What I read was that some people if you're in a sweating mode And you jump in the shower your body reabsorbs water because your pores are open So what you're supposed to do is towel off Between your sweats Keep toweling off not shower until after weighing. So I did that too Yes, you did and I was sitting in the bathroom with you keeping you company Yeah, and I had to walk out because it was too hot in there and I was going to pass out So I did that at night and then in the morning I would go to berk williams

The spa, uh-huh rub the alboline all over again Uh-huh and then do the steam room. I know and then that would do uh, there's insanity 10 minutes and five minutes Not only the bathtub here. We have a hot tub. Oh, yeah And then you were upset because the hot tub wouldn't go to 104. I had it reset and it works now Yeah You called the guy to come and make the hot tub hotter so that you could sweat more now at which point I was getting nervous because you're basically dehydrating yourself Which you're used to because you don't drink a lot of water in the first place, but you were professionally

Dehydrating yourself and you're not You're not a professional boxer. Like you just have this email from this dude And you're like i'm gonna drink distilled water and and poison myself here So and and you did it like a week Before so i'm i'm like this guy your liver is gonna shut down. I don't know what's gonna happen I don't like it at all. I don't like it at all. Well, this is also No, shit the uh So so day one was you know, we weighed in i'm 2 19

Okay, so you're 2 19 and birds 2 21 now, hold on But you go to berg bark williams. Well, yeah, and you sweat before the weigh in now You don't know how do you know how much you've lost? No, really that morning or no, I don't know. I remember that I left the house Uh, well, I remember this monday morning. I wake up and I think i'm i'm like 2 21 yeah 2 21 is my before i'm right so so i'm like, okay now I eat i'd eat a little something Just a little yeah, yeah get you through the day

Well get to weigh in and I actually I think I ate too much and I didn't eat that much But I did have a whole egg right and I think I something mixed in with it just because I mean I was hungry crazy Yeah, and then i'm like, I think I ate too much, but i'm like, okay Uh, I go sweat anyways when I weigh in i'm 2 19 So which means that i'm two pounds less than when I woke up. It's not that dramatic, you know then the next Then when we get home from weigh-ins we do the podcast last week And now i'm like really trying to cut water until the next morning, right? So I have very very little between

Leaving joes getting here And the next misery misery misery. I do I do a two and a half mile trek Uh on the elliptical, which I was sweating a good bit from then About insanity about an hour and a half after that. I do the hot bath again. Oh my god with the alboline again towel off No water and then the next morning wait wait wait

Again, you're bright, you know The story is all from your perspective, which I understand The other perspective is you're sitting at the dinner table little genes baby genes and I We're trying to like have a dinner and you're just Suffering like I can see it in your eyes your eyes are sunken in you've got these dark circles You're just fucking miserable. You can't even drink water And at which point you're like I just I got to go upstairs. I got to go. I wanted to distract myself Yeah, I wanted to distract myself

It was horrible part of it would be like I would get so tired That sometimes I could fall all you wanted to do is fall so of course And then I would also try to just distract so I would read an article And then realized I was losing myself in the which was good Yeah, so the time and then the hardest part was the um The night before and the morning of was the hardest part But so the night before you fall asleep you're like, thank god We get up at 6 30. I know we have an 11 30 way in so the first thing I say to you is five hours

I got five hours. Oh my god horrible and then we're downstairs We're doing breakfast with a little e-man and then I looked seven thirty. I'm like I got four hours At time, it's 8 30. I was like, I know I need to get ready to get going So I do remember the alboline again everywhere. Yeah, it was horrible this time I know also that um, I didn't push myself as much as I could have in that steam room So I know to do it more like to push it harder the second day So I know to like stay in a little longer and I know to do it for longer So I do that

The second day I did it for longer now One thing I noticed that wasn't in your regimen was a good old fashioned um Taking a shit like you didn't do the Yeah, because I feel like and I I gave you the diet or tea You gotta like and I went to get and you didn't shit and I I felt like you could lose another five or ten pounds Of just shit. I think it was picking a lane. I was picking a lane. You picked water over dump I picked water. No, why can't can't you do both?

um Don't I mean do boxers shit in addition to sweat Yeah, I guess I guess so. Yeah, I just I the thing was I was consuming so little food Right the last 72 hours That I don't think that there was you say that yeah, but you'd be surprised because I accidentally drank some dietors tea in college And I wasn't eating a lot. I did have one. I didn't have so you need more I told you you got a double bag and I remember When you think there's no brown in you there's also there's always a lot of brown in you

There's always a lot of brown in you. I know I'll never be doing that again. It was terrible. It was horrible Terrible to watch the next day. Oh, I hate it when I went in again. I was two 16 Yeah, which means I lost an additional three pounds crazy just from sweating Yeah, and then that's crazy for it was 220. So he lost one pound So it was it was you know, it was over I started to Drink fluid there, right? Yeah and

So the first thing we did was drink these Coke co2. I forget it's called coconut water Right the calm water. Yeah, they're big man. They're like 27 ounces or something So we're so dehydrated Down it no problem Then he has 16.9 ounce bottles of water, which is like, you know, deep like a Yeah, what is this one? This is

How many are those these are It's like this is 50.7. Okay. Well, I drink six 16.9 ounce bottles. Oh my god six. Did you fill your body go? No It felt I was so dehydrated that it felt completely normal Then I had a second Of the coconut the big 20 some ounce bottles of thing and somebody texted me. I don't even know if it's correct But let me see How many ounces are in a gallon?

Is it might be it's 128 128 gallons 128 ounces are in a gallon so Because somebody pointed this out to me Yeah, I he's like you just casually drank a gallon of fluid. That's that's how dehydrated I was Oh, the whole thing is that I was I drank that amount and didn't go pee. That's crazy. You're poor body You really tortured it. Don't do that again. No, I'm I never want to do that again. So horrible We both said that to each other though. Like I would never ever do that. Then I got to shave Bert's beard

That was funny. That was so funny. You gave him a Puerto Rican. I tried to yeah, that was the best part Um, if you look it up on youtube, it's really it's uh, we we laugh so hard looking at each other through it But it just type in Tom Segura shaves Bert's beard. You know, it's good time. It's really fun, man. So anyways Um, I'm gonna do a special weight loss Uh podcast at some point here and I'll put it up. It'll just be an extra episode And um, I'll get into detail about the whole the whole journey Yeah, I mean I'm in workout gear right now because I'm gonna go from the podcast to go work out good for you jeans Um, okay, so and many thanks to Joe and then the bet the bet afterwards

So here's what happened The discrepancy became about the bmi because we were supposed to get out of obesity and into overweight So so Ari's like, yeah, but I want to know your height now because so now he's going back to the original and I go Yeah, but you agreed to the 227 goal weight. Yeah He's like he has he has like amnesia, right? So now he's like no, no, no, no I want to know your height. So we measure my height Without shoes, obviously And I'm just under

Six feet. So technically I'm 511 and like eight 511.85 so But I'm closer to six feet Then I am the 511 most of the online bmi things were like you had to pick an inch, you know, like a round number So if you did 511 I'm not in the correct Whatever bmi for it. If you had six feet, you're giving me too much credit

And I go, yeah, but you got so anyway, somebody found one that had 511.5, which I'm taller then Turns out I was At the correct weight to win But only on day two not on day one. Okay, so then Ari you do motherfucker. You said that he wasn't gonna pay um He got bombarded With people calling him out Joe then was like saying that he wanted to uh, you know

Take like send us, you know, some he was going to assume Ari's debt He said and then really but then to be fair gentlemanly To be to be fair to Ari A couple days later. I don't know if it's because he got so much hatred or he just had a moment He wrote this really sweet email to Bertrand and I About like how proud he was of us and how we're going to be alive now longer and

And how he's like whatever it costs. So now he said he's going to do it. Nice. He's good. You know, I approve juice Yeah, he should Yeah You guys worked very hard and to to welch on that bet would have been really shitty. Well, the truth is that you know I think we both did it outside of the The weight that the stakes You know, I mean like that was just a icing on the cake right that there was some payoff

We didn't do it because we wanted to go to a fucking game We did it because we wanted to do it right. We wanted to get healthier But that's what I'm saying that it's especially shitty for someone. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah Who if if he didn't do it What you know to acknowledge the amount of work and yeah that you guys put in because that's a ton of work To be clear the three of us were all all of means To deal with the repercussions if we didn't do it. So it's not like We're talking to like somebody. It's not about what I'm saying. It's not about money

It's more about the acknowledgement and the gesture of like, hey, you did it. You did a good job Yeah, good job, but only you only see that once a day. You don't want too many good jobs on many I just think the Jews are great. Yeah So So there you go It's over I'm back to being normal And by normal I just mean Not cutting water and then so when you were done with the bet the next day

It's a no it's later that day because you guys ordered like pizza and in joe's studio And I had a piece and not even a half But that wasn't your jam because your jam is sweet and you haven't had pastries in like months So the very first thing we did we got in the car and we found you a waffle place We got you chucky croissant, but we didn't get to go to the waffle place. I wanted to go to and I was closed already I know so we'll have to do a waffle day again, but We did go and um, we had Uh, some sweets and you know, I gotta tell you though the the fantasy of them was better than the read than actually

It kind of is because here's the thing when you have a little craving Yeah, I found that just taking three bites is enough because like oh, I enjoyed that and if you go any for any further Yeah, now you're just punishing yourself. You're you're kind of overdoing it and then you're not going to feel good Yeah, and I didn't go create. I people were like, you don't understand what's going to happen right now I was like, dude, I'm not eating that much. You know, I think the instagram photos you posted Made people think it was like a real hardcore binge Like I had a cookie a bite of the other thing and then the macaroon A three quarters of a chocolate croissant. I didn't have three quarters of a chocolate croissant

What did you have one quarter of a chocolate? Oh, well, then there you go. Yeah, it wasn't a lot. That's my point guys It's the media Yeah, I know the mainstream media was like totally distorting Distorting what's happening to you. I mean, I haven't been emailing any of these people You know you showing your peter Huh? Me me me me but congratulations. I'm very proud of you and last week Was very happy week in this house when you won. Yeah, it was great. Everybody was pulling for you and

It was very exciting and then day two of the way and I remember I was sitting in my car And I was watching on my phone Yeah, and I had to pull the car over and like scream Really I was so nervous for you because I didn't know what Burt was gonna do I mean, I thought maybe Burt had figured out because there was a minute where joe Was telling Burt that he should be sweating it out And I saw your look because I know you so well the look on your face of like, no, no She doesn't say anything

And I thought oh my god if Burt goes home today and goes to sweat it out He could take tom because he had to win He had he just had to overtake you by two and a half pounds That was the bet and he could have done that if he took a shit or sweat. No, but he couldn't have done it because I was I mean, he could have been compared more competitive But he I was already ahead of him So I was right, you know, he he was starting at a disadvantage Yeah

For him to make up and then beat me might he would have had to to drop, you know I mean, it's possible because you were so far ahead. Yeah with the sweating. Well, I wasn't that far ahead You were two and a half pounds. No, I were two pounds. That's why I was dramatic with it Right because you didn't know what he was going to do that day. That's right. Thankfully not much He actually just he says he ran eight miles Um, I found out that he run walks. Let's not give him too much Wait a minute. So all those times he was showing the treadmill and he's like I did 22 miles How did he do that? So, okay

Did he just let it run the treadmill for like two hours and then he covered it But what he would do is he would post it like I just covered. Yeah He goes, I would get up in the morning He still would deserve credit for the work, but he would get up Going the in the um his man cave. Yeah, get on the treadmill do three miles hit pause Oh For the day, right, right, right. He would go about his day Maybe go to a meeting whatever take the girls somewhere come home

Five miles hilarious hit pause. So now it's logged eight miles. Sure. Sure. Sure Then he might walk. He said like three or four miles Yeah, keep it going. That's funny. So he just kept the going the tally just kept the tally going I love that he fooled you on the day of he's like, I jogged here No, no, he took an uber the day before he goes on my job there in the morning And I was like, no, you're hilarious. Yeah, I'm a jerk and then I go, where are you? I stir because he was late and he goes I'm on like, you know on the street and I go you're you jogged here for real. He's like, yeah

And then as I walk out with Jamie and we look and he's like like waving at us with his tracksuit on and uh And then Jamie's like he took an uber and I go, do you take an uber? He's like, yeah, but drop me off around there So hilarious. He jogged like the last hundred yards. It's funny. Yeah Oh All right. Yeah, well, we'll see much better much better He did. I mean, I was just looking at a photo of him that was posted a while ago and He does look like half the guy now

Damn, and he doesn't look bad without the beer shake You know, I do want to talk to leanne about this and get her perspective if she's mad at us or thankful I can't I don't know. Yeah last time we had them over for dinner And I I pulled her side and I was like, leanne, please tell me honestly is all this fat shaming bothering Yeah, bird is just bothering you is this ruining your life And she and her wonderful leanne was like, well, you know, bird's gonna do what bird wants to do Yeah, and I was like, okay, I guess that's not a no That means keep shaming him. It's also a very uh leanne answer

Yeah, which is true because yeah, bird's gonna do what bird's gonna do. You remember the eevee mic guy Yes The most exciting man on the internet. Yeah, here I have the capsules from each the re 20 and the re 320 As you can see, they're quite different. So the re 320 uses the same capsule design as in the re 27 and d Each have variable d phase sports. The re 20s are external foods I got it. Thank you. Thanks are integrated into the capsule structure. Um, um, the re 20 uses a standard gas magnet Thank you. I get it. So the re 320 uses an adenium magnet to create even the titles boring Re 320 versus re 20 the re 20 sensitivity is 1.5 millivolts per

So there's a competition now to see if anything could be more boring So maybe your personality and there's a submission for you didn't even hear that Babe, it's it's you can't you have to understand like you're gonna get your feelings hurt so badly on this I actually feel bad I actually would I might have to like wink at a few people and be like Say you're having fun No one thinks you're more fun. Um So here is the competition has oh for the most boring clip more boring

Here at rockwell automations world headquarters research has been proceeding to develop a line of automation products that establishes new standards for quality technological leadership And operating already with customer success as our primary focus Work has been proceeding on the crudely conceived idea of an instrument that would not only provide inverse current for use in unilateral phase detractors But would also be capable of automatically synchronizing cardinal gram meters Rockwell automations retro and cabulator Now basically the only new principle involved is that instead of power being generated by the relative motion of conductors and fluxes

I don't even know what he's talking about of it. It's produced by the modial interaction of magneto reluctance and capacitive Is he making these words? I think so these are made up and for a machine had a base plate of pre-famulated amulite Prefabulated amulite longer in mccasing in such a way that the two spurving bearings run a direct line with a panometric fam The lineup consisted simply of six hydrocopter marzol veins. It's fantastic. So fitted to the ambifacient lunar wane shaft That side fumbling was effectively prevented Who understands this video The main winding was of the normal lotus o deltoid type placed in panendermic semi-boloid slots of the stator Jesus every seventh conductor being connected by a non-reversible

Tremi pipe to the differential girdle spring on the eye of the brand mirrors This is like a simpsons character. So is this a blue band? Is blue band messing with me? Do you think this guy is a host and he just got hired for this industrial video 100% He has a he's like he had to learn kind of what this crap was Unless is this just a bit? I don't I don't think so Moreover, whenever fluorescent score motion is required It may also be employed in conjunction with a drawn reciprocation ding alarm to reduce sinusoidal deplaneration

The retro-encabulator has no words. No god damn it. These aren't real words The deplanerator and the de please tell me that defarctinated. I hadn't seen that I just saw like the opening five seconds. I was like, oh, it's boring I didn't actually hear his deformity in the flapper neighbors. They're totally fake the defarctinators The cablamaran is yeah, do you want to see a dad boner nonsense? Yeah. Yeah, it's like it's a guy jerking off Okay Now this is a A super super dad boner who he doesn't get quite as excited as our

Just glass. Yeah, our glasses got a moose super like the ultimate dad But this is pretty great Did they breach feeding? He's on a boat I hear him It's pretty awesome. It is pretty awesome. Oh This whale Came up. He just saw a fucking is it a pod of whales? I don't know where it is. He just saw a fucking Oh, that's how I feel that I just shit myself

Yeah, dude That was cool as fuck though. It's a good a good good good moment, right? Yeah. Yeah, he uh, dude, let's go whale watching I think that'd be fun. Yeah, I think that'd be fun. I've wanted to do that Oh lord, I hear him It's pretty great, it's really good Oh my god, wow Evie my guy. So look the it's obvious the the thing that's been taken over the world by storm has been Hi, mommy. Thanks jeans and

Last week in particular so exciting and that is how we ordered whenever we have a drive-through Experience. Yes. We say hi mommy and we say thanks jeans. Yes, and it has you added glass into it than other people It is taken on It's exploded. We had to Bluebein had to send selects because we had over 50 Some submissions of people doing this and it would just be an entire show It's sweeping the nation and the world there are some really and I have to tell you if you haven't done it yet Do it because you feel yeah, even if you don't film it

It's such a you know to film it but it feels like such a sense of accomplishment. You feel so fun It's so fun. You feel like you got one in on yeah, it's it's harmless. Yeah, you're not hurting someone's feelings. Yeah, it's good fun so here is Here's one that I saw that is absolutely I think this is a master for one. Hold on. Let me pull this up. These are these get they've gotten better and better every week Let's see where this kind of farts. Hello jeans Sorry about that. Okay. That's okay. Mommy. Uh, could I just get a number six? A number six? Yeah, but with a ketchup instead of

Yeah, that would be a maze You know what? I'm gonna go full burnt Chrysler. Could I just get a I'll just take a medium though Is this the burger? F. A. R. T. Yeah Oh, no, no The the medium Yes, jeans Look, uh, it's a postal worker. I want some cool stuff. Slip stuff. Needs to probably uh,

A dr. Pepper Yeah Ketchup jeans, yeah You got him on me. All right, I'll have you all free today. That'll be it. All right, so it's gonna be 881 at the window Thank you. Oh my god. See jeans. Wow He got in so many. That's cody Cody nailed it, bro That was so good. Mommy jeans. I don't want to be it. I'm gonna go full burnt Chrysler

He went and then we were talking over. He had a really good one. What which one? Shit when we were talking, he had a really good one. Really? The medium Oh mediums Yes, jeans Uh, I want some cool stuff slick stuff needs to probably uh, that's it And the way he runs through it fast cool stuff slick stuff needs to yeah, that was great That's uh, that's ultimate dad. Uh, garth Brooks. Oh, so good Yeah, he's a postal. We love him. Can I get a

venti cold brew? No, a light half and half Easy ice no water and a pump and a pump of vanilla Can I also get a double pipe classic? A double pipe classic If you don't have them, that's fine. They're really rare Uh, it's just never mind. It's okay. Um, that'll do it Yeah, what is that? That's all right. Thanks jeans. All right, bye

Masterful What is that? They're very rare I nailed it. That was Daniel. Wow. Good job, Daniel. Two for those Uh, yeah, one second. I'm just glassing. Let me look for a second All right, mommy. I'm ready Uh, can I get a medium water, please? Yes Actually, actually, uh, can I get a medium coke instead? I'm trying not to fluid bond with jesse. Can I get coke? I'm real

Yes And then what's that burger up in the corner the reason I like in the corner there. Can I just get a cheeseburger? Hi, hentai And does that come with mustard? If there's mustard on it, you just wipe it off. Just wipe down No, no, thanks And I think that'll be it Yep, that's it All right, thanks jeans

Unreal the game has been elevated to a whole new levels now It surpassed anything we've ever done. Oh my god. That was seth seth. You guys have killed it This is amaze. Yeah, so many references in there. I'm going to fluid bond with jesse I haven't gotten to the the vocal fries get on her too. Oh, yeah I'm going to the band with jesse and then the upspeak at the end too jesse I'm going to fluid bond with jesse Jesse is that a question And I hope you

Uh one second mommy. I'm just glassing for a second Do you guys have the new chicken McGriddle? Yes, we do. Uh, can I get one of those and a um small sprite, please Do you want to make it a meal? Um, no, thanks. I don't want to be fat like burt Yeah, and that that'll be all Okay, so the small sprite Yeah, that's all gonna be 292 at the first one now. Okay. Thanks jeans. It's so good. It's so good. So good. It's so good Hi, mommy. Can I get a large fry?

Um, mcdouble with no ketchup a mcchicken And a large double-plug classic Coca-Cola classic Uh, no, that's it And a double-plug ketchup and a lot more Yep, that's it. Oh my god. Thank you I double my magic. Yeah, I mean I got classic. That was Danny. We have international order here from Australia

Hey, hey, mommy. Can I get a uh chicken fries? Chicken fries? Uh, and uh, sorry, what did you want? And an ice cream cone So chicken fries and an ice cream cone. Yep, and uh, a large coke zero as well, please. Yep, anything else? That's a lot Thanks, mommy Hi, mommy. Can I get a uh bike second cheese on a subcane bagel? We did this last week, right? No Uh multi-subcane bagel Yep

And could I also get a large coffee milk and sugar? Subcane Okay, and just glass and do you guys still offer the turbo shot? Yeah, could I get a turbo double-pipe classic shot? Say what I do turbo to your coffee? Yeah. Okay. Yep. That's it. Thanks. I'm talking about the hash brown Nope, that's it. All right. Thanks jeans That's so funny, man Uh, nobody asks nobody goes. What's it? What's the double? What? I think they also like you got a what?

They just kind of roll. All right, mommy one second. I'm just I'm just glassing. Yes Can I get a uh, a fancy McFlurry, please? Yeah Yeah, that's everything. Thank you. Have a good evening. Thanks, James. Yes, that's international Oh, they're my favorite. So, yeah, they've they've poured in um, Jesus two questions. Yeah, what's a McDouble? A McDouble? Yeah, I'm sure it's double double, but no, that's in and out Right McDouble's probably double patty, right? Like anything like a quarter pound of a cheese probably because they have the metric system

But did you not see fucking no, sorry make that that was an american order. Oh, he didn't work Oh, I don't know fucking. I don't know and then chicken fries. That was in australia. Hmm. Yeah I don't know what that is either. That sounds good chicken fries. Yeah. Do you think it's like chicken fingers? Maybe yeah. Yeah, maybe that's what they call them there guys. What are chicken fries? Let us know. Okay Wow, that was that was the highlight of my week. Do you want to lay under the hammock? I got to take a shit Under the hammock. Oh god, how much is in someone Can I have the fart mic? Did it register? No, you're kidding. I mean, I'm sure they heard it, but it didn't register. Oh, it's so upsetting

Yeah, you did all that work And then no one's here to acknowledge. Well these chairs like you've said before they're not conducive to farting You got to really lean over. You got to practically lay in your in your shit hammock. True What do you think was the process leading up to the shit hammock Because that's not where I would go first It oh it took a little bit of work. It was like I don't know. How do you coach someone into that? Yeah, you don't just say you got to take a shit

It's like would you do something? No, I mean like what what's the what do you think his first time doing it was like Well, he's like can you just squat over my face and the girls are like my thighs are burning Oh, right. Oh, you know what I mean? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I think he was just like Yeah, just squat and then he was like hold on to this while you squat like gave him a rope So he starts with a rub and they're like my thighs still burn Then it was like a box with a hole in it like a like a bucket maybe Yeah, I would have done the oh, but then how does he sit under a bucket?

And then he realized that he's in Belize and there's hammocks everywhere and people are laying around He was like dude up hammock is the perfect shitting instrument. It's kind of ingenious when you think of it It's simplicity Yeah um Well, this is our uh Our show role. What it would it work? Oh, I have a special announcement guys So june 16th and 17th. I'm at the man friend disco

I'm in man friend disco fluid bonding with jesse at the punchline comedy club and i'm doing something special I'm doing a pre-sale pre-sale just for our fans pre-sale pre-sale pre-sale. That's a big announcement I missed that. Yeah So wednesday, that's the day this episode drops between 10 a.m. And 10 p.m You can go to the punchline comedy club.com website get your tickets Use the code jeans j e a s jeans jeans jeans for one day only 10 a.m. To 10 p.m Wednesday get your tickets in advance you get you know better seating and just to make sure that you get the tickets that you Want a smaller venue. It's a smaller venue and I I think we're gonna sell a lot. So go there

Also other dates coming up february 12th We only have a few tickets left for your mom's house live at the urvine improv So if you want to come you better get them because they're gone. They're almost gone. Yeah, april 13th through 15th I'm at brea at the improv may 4th and 5th Thartnicks, arizona at stand-up live may 19th and 20th new york shitty at gotham comedy club There you go jude dork titties go to thousand ranch.com for tickets I'm an oxnard at levity live ox nards Cox hard and uh real mature. I've heard it's a really great club

I'm there this weekend thursday friday saturday if you're in ventura county I'll be there. Um my tour is uh, it's really taken off. Thank you to everybody that got tickets in advance I I know that um a bunch of places are already sold out. I believe new orleans, atlanta Um, I'm gonna be in uh clear farder florida tallahassee Um, I think there's still some tickets left for tallahassee, but the rest are gonna be gone, man um Minneapolis There's only a couple tickets left. I have three shows there indian apple tits mini apple tits. Yeah. Oh, yeah, sorry

mini apple tits and then one ounce to uh, chicago The shows are sold out. We added a third show at the vic theater So that's going to be the next day the 19th of march. I think is the date That's on sale now. It just got added boston The two first shows sold out. So there's a third show on sale there at the wilbur. Um, they're all at tomcigura.com slash tour Jeans also, I forgot I just added two local shows in la if you're in la come see me on february 17th at the hollywood improv

And then the 18th of february. I met flapairs flappers comedy club 8 p.m. Shows on both of those. Oh really Thousand ranch.com. Yeah. Yeah, 217 and 218. Are you leaving town though? When that week earlier that week? Are you doing that? I don't know Oh, what for valentines? I don't know yet. It hasn't been it hasn't been determined. Okay. There's no, you know Nothing came up. No. All right. Maybe we're working on that. Who knows? Shit man, you know what I'm saying? I know what you're saying. I know what you're saying. You know what I'm saying? This is funny. Um The uh, you know the male

Or the the dad accent. Yeah So a guy in a documentary That gets a mail order bride Starts speaking english with an accent. Oh my god. Cool. And so you can actually hear and then the narrator Just makes it clear that he's doing that. He does a dad accent for her So here's the guy. Hi food. What you doing thief? No, no, no So this guy Welcome to america

Doesn't speak with that accent, right? What? Yeah, he's just a regular He did welcome to america. I think that a lot of us have experiences with our own dads And um, yeah, if you're if you have an american dad and he tries to connect with somebody from another place That uh, he sometimes talks english the way they talk To maybe maybe you understand more when I say it the way I think you would say it Instead of just speaking to them in english Um, was it last week that we played the soccer player? Yeah

Our week before I don't know was it the week before that anyways We got some feedback on that. Well, also that he's not irish But the cheat sheets at irish. You got to blame blue man on that one. Fucking blue Everybody was like he's not irish mate. What is it? I don't fuck her. I think it's from liverpool liverpool, but uh But that was a hundred percent blame blame blue man Um, so here listen to the narrator talk about how this guy is doing this to help ogre understand his english Gary speaks to her with a russian accent I know you understand much you will you will ask me you will tell me I don't understand

Now if you do not say I don't understand I keep talking Do you think that helps her like I don't think so I'm trying to think of me speaking me too another language and I always think I responded better just hearing They speak However, the language is to be because it doesn't help you when they because what they do when someone does that to you And you're trying to understand it complicates things in your brain because you're like wait, what are you saying now? And then you know that it's off like you know that it's not correct Yeah, so the party was like well, I wish I wish I was hearing how to say it correctly because then you'd learn it correctly

Yeah, it's a total it is a dad move. Wow. That's so crazy. Yeah. Yeah, they totally called him out too Yeah, well, I mean they're like he's they have to talk like a point out why he's being retarded these poor women Could you imagine that's your way out of this country out of russia? Is some fucking dipshit from We watched that one documentary And it was like the saddest dudes. Yeah, and they would go to these meet-ups and then they're like, I like you No, she's like, I like money. I mean, I like you too Well, the worst, you know, I this is how bad it is some of those women were in die or just like bad situations

and the guy was So unfuckable and such a desperate sad person That the wind would go like no, I'll stay I'd rather I'd rather live. Yeah in a shit in this horrible country This frozen I applaud frozen tundra shit box of a country In the ukraine that go with you. Yeah. Yeah, some of them were in bad They showed them when he's like living in a horrible tiny apartment with oh, yeah 10 people and they go, you know, this is my only chance out and then they would meet fucking sam You know from guys are such monsters. Yeah, or they or they meet the the guy that invented macafe

Oh, yeah, you want a hundred bucks? No hundred bucks. You could take a shit Yeah, I gotta take it boop. Yeah Dude in the hammock. Are you sure? Yeah, I'll be down there. I'm gonna be fixing some stuff underneath it. I gotta fix it Can you imagine that's like as the shit comes out? He jerks off Oh, is that what he's doing? Well, they said it's fecal sex and they go Did you ever have intercourse and he goes they go no never scat sex scat sex. So yeah, I'm so yeah, she shits he gets off Wow, wow, man. What a world. It's what a gig. It's wild, isn't it? It's wild. I'm sure those chicks are still like

I'm kind of where she was back here Well, it's easy money. Yeah, it is a win-win. I got a shit. I like to sit down when I shit You've got the hammock. You've got the mouth. Yeah Now he yeah, he likes it fresh out of the oven. That is just wild How does he not vomit? Do you think he eats the shit or he just spits it out? He can't eat it. He can't eat it Yeah, but even like when that hits here Your nose is right there A fresh turd

So most of us have that reaction that that that not good reaction. Um, but I don't know he doesn't you know And then he just pulled that Oh, come on, man. I don't know these fucking nerve clips He's not barfing It sounds like he is. No, I don't like it. He's not barfing. He's just cleaning a shower drain I can hear him retching Babe, there's a smell sometimes So

The problem that I think you're having right now Is that your your personality is not allowing you to enjoy this moment Um, I think the problem is your personality doesn't respect other people's personalities and preferences Dude Shit in the mouth. Yeah And how many girls did it? I mean they got three on camera. Well, and then there's people Who like vomit too. That's true. That's crazy. It's worse. Oh, it's way worse. Or I don't know. Wait a minute I don't know. Shit. No, I think vomit for me works. Why why works?

So you have the option. I'm gonna shit on your lap. Yes or puke on your lap I would take the shit really. I you know that I have such a phobia. This is an eye opening moment right now It's just I have such a fear of vomiting. I really don't like it. I can't hear it. I can't smell it. There's a smell sometimes Yeah, yeah, but shit. I feel like every day I get shit on my hands changing diapers. So it's like, all right I'm knee-deep in it. Vomit is horrible. Vomit is fucking Yeah, I mean lj's puked on me. I've smelled it. It's not good So what did I just say?

Yeah, you see how shitty your personality is that you would even do something A lot of people would be like that guy's got a fun personality He's having fun with that person. Okay. A lot of sociopaths like you. No Man Horrible or hilarious. You want to see it? Oh, yeah, let's see what you think So this is a I guess the middle of a meeting is taking place. Is there some we shit in my mouth? So what they did was they it's a print Japanese prank show So they set this guy up to go to a meeting and then they make it look like a sniper across the

Whatever the way Across from the building shoots the three other people in the room. Yeah to terrify the guy, right? Well, I didn't laugh did you I seen this one Um, oh, you're smiling on the inside. I enjoyed it. Yeah, it's fun when you see them really scared, right? That is the fun part right is when people are really scared Well, but you know that there's not any danger in other words. It's not a real sniper Can I watch it again knowing that now? Yeah, okay. Let's see if it reads You'll see if it's funnier to you. Yeah, okay. Let's see if I know the premise now

Okay. Yeah, so here's the guy These are all actors and they have special effects and they're gonna make it seem like Somebody shoots through the window It's kind of too short of a clip to see the real terror Right, you know, you can watch these at length and see more You know, see I have I have this pesky thing called empathy Yeah, that doesn't allow me to Like laugh when people are genuinely terrified. Yeah, I personally it's just a small problem

Yeah, well, but it's also kind of like one of those non fun parts of your personality That There's a lot of people Oh the empathy part, please the excuse you mean the empathy excuse. So would you lol's? Uh, I I was immune. I wasn't really like hyperventilating laughing, but I I certainly had a couple chuckles You have to watch that length because you can really see them panic. Thank you. That's a neat Thank you for playing this really fun. Also, what I like is last night I go to bed before you I always do and you you go

I gotta watch my shows and of course I didn't say I gotta watch my show to watch my shows and I go murder and you go. Yeah, I go what part Why would you want to watch? Murder killing sociopath stuff right before bed and you go it's gotta affect your dreams for sure Of course it's gonna affect your dreams. It seeps into your, you know unconscious mind. Mm-hmm It sleeps into my mind because I'm sleeping and I can hear all the stuff like They found blood on Teresa's naked body Yeah, her dismembered head found in the courtyard across the street in the apartment building and like I don't want to hear this at all

I mean, it's a night. I think it's a nice way to kind of Just drift off into the slumber Yeah, I mean look most of the shows are all about solving a case So that's that's what you're watching. But yeah, but no because you like the shows where they're like And there hasn't been a crack in the case in 20 years But then I mean the one I watched last night they uh They saw I watched them solve it and you like the ones where it's the women It's always some cute 20 year old girl lives alone and she's abducted or raped or murdered and all that

I mean you can it's kind of fun to picture yourself trying to commit the crime and then Trying to get away with it and then You know, then you picture being the detective and you sure you go. How would I solve this? But then you go, oh, but I want the guy to get away with it Sure Yeah, this is the fun part of your personality. I was talking about people really it was a really good. Uh, uh, it was a good murder case Where they solved it. I hate it. The dummy

Wrote his name On her chalkboard. He did. Yeah, his real name his real name. He wrote Dennis was here And and when they asked him about her He was like, no, I can't what he was like I know she is but I've never been there and then they go because this is on her chalkboard And he was like, oh, you know what I did. That's right. I was in there and then And then he was like just Running, you know talking in circles and then he was like, you know, I actually witnessed the murder

Saw the guy do it. What a neat thing to have before bedtime. Huh? I slept like an angel. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah I can't do it. I can't watch that stuff before bed. Why what happens? Bad dreams negative dreams, but you would just picture yourself solving a murder and then you got to tell I don't like it. I even have to ask you to turn it down about five times Well, you asked me to turn everything down and you're getting worse with it used to be fun And you used to go, hey, I like when you listen to the tv watch tv when I I'd be like, great. I'll watch a show Yeah, now Every two minutes you go you turn it down a little bit

And I go, okay, and then I turn it down. It's like volume single digit. It's on seven You turn it down a little more and I go, okay, I can barely hear it Why don't I sound homeless? It's too loud. It's so too loud I'm trying to sleep. Why do I sound like a hobo? That's how you sound? You're gonna turn it down. You go Trying to sleep and I kind of it says too loud I go, all right. I keep turning it down It's because I can't sleep

Because you watch maybe take your bell tones out when you go to bed Because you watch dumb shit my favorite thing you've been watching because it's football season Are these interviews they do when the team either wins or loses your perspective on football coverage has completely opened a humor portal that I didn't know existed like I didn't realize first you nailed it with the football songs. Thank you. Oh, it's like football. You guys ready to play football And how dumb those terrible sunday night football songs are yeah, and now you pointed out to me Yeah, what are the interviews like? Well the interviews are stupid because if the the team loses

And what they do is they cart out the poor son of a bitch who played his heart out and lost and now he's completely Destroyed he's he's he just wants to be alone right and drink or do whatever And they're like what what happened out there? And he's like well, I didn't play as good as I thought I could and then we lost That's all they fucking say over and over. Well, I mean I didn't do as good as I could as well as I could have And then if they win, well you guys won. How did you win? Well, we practiced a lot and that's what made us win the game Like well, there's all it's the same Every time you practice you get better. Yeah, and then we practice a lot and then we won

Yeah, practice real good and then the winning happens Well, how are you even and then we're worse. We didn't practice so good. Yeah, and then I Why are you asking that? Why of course they won because they they prepared better and they fucking won and the guy who lost They you know, he feels like shit. Let him let him be alone. Let him be alone. Don't cart him out But the I don't know I get so fucking bored and the worst are when they try to make jokes They do the playbacks. Oh, yeah, and then because I don't understand the context Oh, I hear oh, that's how that guy does that And then they're like, why are you all the uh, like the sports center

Their jokes. Yeah, the sports center. They need better writers. They have a few Genuinely funny guys like if you if you look at the lineup of the commentators. Yeah, there's probably I would say five or six Genuinely really funny. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, sure problem is It's like any other hang it they pepper them with Not funny guys who then try to compete with the really funny guys And that's that's the real problem because there's some real funny dudes Yeah, and then they'll be you know, then they'll hire like just a straight up game Analyst guy who's like

Oh my god, and he'll start throwing in his like his dad his dad bone jokes Not only that a lot of these guys Are not yeah, that guy's on the panel. I know And it's always at his own shit. Yeah the sports session. Yeah, it's horrible And then another thing that really chaps my ass is how unattractive 98% of those dudes are on these fucking panel shows and not the ladies and never the women Like these fucking basset hounds are on tv decrepit old

Dog sleeping on that human pillow If he loves people pillow, it might be blue band here or something right blue band. Maybe you think he's here. Maybe No To pick yeah, maybe here to pick up these cards No, you don't think so. No, she's just barks, but she barks at the sky. She barks at nothing. That's true. That's true No, no, no, no. No, he would be at the window the whole thing Um It was I talking about how ugly these fucking dudes are. Yeah, it's true. God damn it

I wanted that out to me something I never consider because I don't think about how good looking a guy is Yeah, but then you started to be like they let this fucking guy on television Oh, looks like she started to look at him and be like, oh, yeah That guy doesn't look like he should be on no And if you look at the sports casters that are female the ones even down on the field They got fucking tendrils in their hair perfect makeup. It's blizzard outside She's like, how do you think the thing went today? And she looks amazed. There's only like three or four dogs that are women that are in the job

Really? Yeah, there's a couple real fucking hounds, but but are they like actual athletes or former athletes or sometimes or they're just They're actually good. No, some of them are just actually good at the job You know, like they're still good at the job. A few leaked in that are actually good at their jobs. Wow But there's um, but there's definitely Like some some that you go She's just attractive like there's a couple that you're the hot chick that has no business Yeah, and then she's like, I just love I've always loved sports

The gender trader. Yeah, uh, well, I do say that because there is such a double standard. I mean, Jesus christ And if it's ridiculous. Yeah. Yeah. Well, thank god. I don't watch football So I just have to hear it when I'm falling asleep. Do you want to? Explore for a moment the pup training again. Oh my god. I've been waiting for pup training. Can I urinate first? Do you want to urinate? I've been drinking so much water. I'm so hydrated. I gotta pee really quick. So Okay, one moment Okay, her role. How was your peachy break? It was good. I pushed hard and it all came out. Yeah I've been waiting all week for these clips

Well to um kind of Get people remind people of what we're doing. How could you forget if you listened to the last episode? So I think some people might have been like, well, what was that? So in 371, you know, a month or two ago Whatever that was. We introduced you to pup lay in a very Accessible Non-threatening way, you know a non-sexual. Well, it's not it's not about You know, it's just It's an addiction I guess in the way. I feel there is a hidden dog in me. I feel I have to live two lives in some ways

It's just guys kind of like being part of a secret club There's sexy time long, but that's not the whole essence of it See guys, it's not just being dog. But that's not the whole essence of it, Tom Absolutely. No, it's just pups here today for training to to test their skills So pup show me a meal position Oh boy, there you go. See now why can't my question is what's wrong with three or four guys? Getting together in a room with a cage Wearing latex and dog masks. There's there's certainly nothing wrong with it. What's wrong with that?

I think what's also good about nothing being wrong with it is also It's just a hang, you know, there's and there's there's nothing misleading about right this obviously well produced segment I mean, it looks good. It sounds good. He sent that he's sick up That belongs to somebody in the room. Well done. Well done. Oh, so we hold on well done Well done. He was just sniffing those boxers on the floor, but that's I mean who doesn't sniff dirty boxers on the floor Yeah, what's interesting is the guy here is a trainer gets into the fact that he's also a pioneer Right. Oh, right. There wasn't any other trainers. There wasn't anyone to teach me. No one's doing it I had to go out and learn and put together the ideas. Well, wow

Well, wow, what are some of the ideas? What an innovator. I happen to have a clip of some of the training. You've got time during your work day or during those moments when you're in class You want to go here Put your hand down your pants Grab your nuts. Yeah. Have a feel. Okay. Get your fingers over them. Right And bring them up Yeah, that's so amazing, you know, it was fun. There wasn't any other Borrowed some stuff from psychology and philosophy. Oh and also from kinesthetics and safe psychology and philosophy

So pulling that all together. I've become a trainer Yeah And I own pups. Oi, who are you barking? Who are you barking at again? Notice it. Who's your owner? Our own dog's barked during this time. Yeah, he truly is a dog trainer He's like i'm a smell what you don't smell like at different times of the day In the morning when you wake up have a phone Have a phone. Oh my god No, thanks and take a smell

What woman in america hasn't seen that every morning by the way a bunch of emails came in You know, I think when we originally aired the clip Someone said he was british. Yeah, we were like and then and then we got a bunch of emails saying this guy's not key We at all this guy's australian. Oh for fuck's sake. Yeah. Yeah, okay. Well australian or kiwi. It's How about it doesn't matter as long as you're fucking you've done that Reach further back Run your finger along your crack of your ass You don't need to finger your hole. You don't want to come back with shit on your finger

Just run your finger along your crack your sweaty crack. Oh my god Bring it up and smell Yeah, it's nice. It'd be nice to shake his hand right after Just a couple of dudes hanging out in latex dog costumes We're just gathered the pups here today for training to to test their skills So pup. Yeah, show me a kneel position There you go. Just hanging out. It's just about being a dog I'm gonna be honest and I'm gonna be open about who I am. Please don't that I'm not ashamed of the fetish

I'm not ashamed of the people that I hang out with. You should be And I suppose that I want people to know that it's a normal community I don't think that I should be hiding it away. I think you should Oh no relief to get that off so Oh boy, so take your time out while you're at work. Go to a cubicle For the toilet. Have a fondant Have a quick sniff when you get home. God As you take off your underwear

Hmm Have a very good deep Smith Smith the different parts of your underwear Different what your ass smells like. Well, I know what your cock and balls smell. I think we all know Yeah, but don't you feel like you know here is a pup what it smells like A human pup Really connects with odor and scent and smell So he really is the the og trainer. Do you think about that? I'm so proud of him. Um

Don't you feel like you already know what your cock and balls and your asshole smells like? I've gotten a A bit of uh, yeah, most guys do. Yeah, I don't feel like you need to A few loads have come. Yeah Um to take time out of your day, you know, it was super fun doing this week since this clip Came into our lives piece Is um is I'd be on the bed And I'd be like tom if you can you do something for me if you have a minute today And then you'd be like what I'm like put your hands down your pants

And just take a sniff of your cock and balls. It's fun It was fun. Yeah Because you fell for it a few times, which was super great. I'm like to tell me can you do me a favor? You're like what? Open what your ass smells like Yeah Man, that's so good. Yeah, how do you think? Wow, this is see even this one. I can understand. Yeah, this one. I get I love dogs. I understand that Yeah, I don't understand getting shit in your mouth. I think that's gnarly

Yeah, that's that's that's pretty wild. I don't want to smell another guy's Ass, right? Hmm When you say you don't want to what do you mean though? I don't know. Yeah How much for you to do this? Oh, um I mean to my own I've definitely everyone smelled their own No, how much for you to take training to go to new zealand or australia wherever this is

Sign up for pup class. I want you in full latex outfit. This guy would abuse me though This guy is this guy is one of those guys just like just like some guys do it with chicks It's their angle. He's like i'm pup training you and then he fucking Locks you in a cage and sticks it in your butt, you know, how okay, so you're either in pup training. Would you rather? Yeah, you're doing full pup training, right? Run your finger along your crack if you're ass You don't need to finger your hole. You don't want to come back with shit on your finger. You don't need to finger your hole I like how he he just makes that distinction. He does. Yeah, don't sniff the different parts of your underwear Yeah, go ahead and sniff it

Sneak sniff it the different parts of your underwear. So but do you have to sniff another guys? I think it eventually happens. I think we saw them training So you go to pup training or horrible or you stay with ol macafe In believes hammock training and you do hammock training. Well, i'm shitting in his mouth. You got it No problem. You're shitting in macafe's mouth. Yeah every morning you wake up. You have your coffee And when you feel it brewing I feel bad for macafe Of course. Yeah. Yeah, I mean, there's there's it's not gonna be nice. Years are terrible They're not terrible, but I mean still it's shit, but yeah without question this over pup training. Oh

You know, what if you're the one who's getting shit in your mouth? No, there's no question. I'm there's definitely that's not happening. What so you would rather do You'd rather have those prostitutes shit in your mouth than do pup pup training I mean, you're a macafe or Pup training babe. It's just simple I just this is really upsetting right now. You have to pick one. It's the fucking rules It's would you rather so you have to pick one? Um

I guess I'll be a fucking pup. I guess I'm popping the pup now Pup training. Yeah to sniff your master's good fondle of your nuts. Oh god One width of your master's groin. Yeah, don't put your finger in your asshole Oh You don't you don't have to put it in there Yeah, I know I love where he's like if you have some time in your day, just unlace your leather pants He says go to another cubicle. I don't know if he knows is but cubicles are wide open. Yeah Stick your hand in there and then and just during the day

Yeah You have a free moment Because you have to get to know your scent right strengthen your scent right build your musk. I think this guy's terrifying Terrifying. Yeah. Well, because it's that mild mannered horseshit. Yeah No, this is just cold pup plaits a little thing on it And then the next thing you know, he's telling you not to finger your asshole. Just smell the sweaty crag and Stark he talks you know, I'll burn what your ass smells like What your coconut balls smell like

Yeah, we know everybody knows what their own everyone knows that drill because everyone is tracked underwear, of course you guys Oh, yeah, that's bad underwear. You smell but you smell yourself all the time. I don't I don't need to You know now I am gonna go to work out right now when I'm done. I'm gonna let you sniff it Will you save the panties for pup training? Yeah, I will now you have to ejaculate into one part of he said lots of come Yeah, yeah loads loads loads loads into the same pair just over and I'm sure guys do that all the time I'm sure but I'm sure his are particularly gnarly Maybe that's how he gifts people like christmas gifts for him or just his used underwear. He's like I got you something nice Oh, that's a nice part about having this fetish, isn't it? It's kind of nice kind of easy that way. All right farts

Cost-effective Farts hold on. Say thank you to megan and megan and oh my god. Thank you megan and megan for the Unbelievable valentine's day cards. I think we should save them And read them closer to valentine's day. Yeah, and this is we should mention the third edition Yeah, that megan and megan they're impressive have given us. I I really enjoyed them these two women. They make these valentine's Just relative to the show. They're all different. Your mom has themed and it's really funny, man I can't I'm so excited to go through them. I haven't had a chance Do you want to hear the big words or just like?

Oh, just like the gaze. Okay. I like that clip a lot just like the gaze Um, who made this it's just like the gaze. Would you ever want to date your mom? It's a dj boy butter. I said I really would Thank you for listening to the show. Don't forget your mom's house podcast.com Uh, don't forget. Listen to that's deep bro. I talk about Cameron Dallas this week I don't know if you've seen that kid on netflix. He's a social media Uh star. Yeah, I don't know if you oh, I talk about discipline and your discipline for losing weight Yeah, it's good stuff like that take emails

This guy says he's an associate path and he's a 30 year old virgin And he wants to know how to get laid. So that's on this week's episode of that's deep bro. Check it out. God damn. All right Thanks guys. We love you. Love you. Mommy's bye jeans You're my son I'm your mom You're my son I'm your mom asked and will you ask ask ask and will you you get your mom? Yes, I would

You're my son I'm your mom. It's just like the gaze It's just like just just just just it's just like the gaze I looked at her and she looked at me It's just like the gaze What's the way he calls me mom, you know, I mean The both consenting adults Ask them will you ask ask ask them will you

I looked at her and she looked at me You're my son I'm your mom. It's just like the gaze It's just like just just just it's just like the gaze Ask them will you ask ask ask them will you you it's just like the gaze