Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura - 379-Your Mom's House with Christina Pazsitzky and Tom Segura

Episode Date: January 18, 2017

Finally! Someone is talking about the real issues - how do you mop up all that stuff after you make kisses? A nice British lady is going to show us the way (it's the Shower). Plus - you weigh in on the Personality Battle. Hey, some of you are a little TOO honest. Thanks. We meet a lady who wants to live with no environmental impact. That includes REUSING toilet paper. NEAT. And Hey, Mommy...Thanks, Jeans rolls on.  

Damn, I was just listening to that DJ high tech to live quality album from 2000, Flection Eternal. It brings back a lot of memories. Of what? Of how much I love that album. Okay. All right. Even though later on in the episode, we have some date plugs.

In case I forgot, because I don't remember when we did it. We have a third show. We have a third show added in Chicago at the Vic. It's on sale and it's moving as well as the Wilbur in Boston. Everything at tomcigura.com slash tour and the big news. I think it's also in the episode, but I don't recall is that we added a second live podcast that's February 12th, nine o'clock show, the nine o'clock show, because the first one sold out.

The nine o'clock show has a special guest right now, Yoshi. If you look at, listen to some of the all time great, your mom's house podcast, Yoshi is up in like three of the top five. Yeah. And just for those of you who have already bought tickets to the seven o'clock show, just know that we're doing a different show. Yeah. Yeah.

So if you want to come to the second one, it's not going to be the same stuff. Yeah. And look, both shows are going to be, whatever show you pick up fun, we just know that he's doing the nine. It'll be a good time. They're both a good time. So that's it. Enjoy episode three 79 of your mom's house podcast by jeans.

Your teeth are so white. I know. I know. I'm not used to seeing them that way. That's really, really, really not nice. Yeah. We're rolling. Did you like my song?

Yeah. It was great. I'll sing it for them. Wouldn't it be nice? If I had matches, dude, this episode is so loaded. You have no idea. I can't wait. It's so great.

Wow. Wow. I love these things. We got an Ali Zeezer Zimzer. That's his new name. He made a new song. So many new. Hi, mommy.

Thanks, Jean submission. Hi, mommy. Thanks, Jean's. There's just a lot. There's a lot in here. So would you like to get started? Yeah. All right.

Let me. Zimzer. Let me do this. Respect my pronouns. Respect my pronouns. Guys, I'm non binary. Of course you are. I'm Polly and I'm binary.

I'm not binary. And I also know you're about to dip your fucking dick back inside me where I've still got remains of your cum and then expect me to fucking suck it off, mate. So I just think finish up. Let me do the come run. Let me have a shower. You jump in the shower. Fuck me in the shower.

Clean each other in the shower. Done. This shit is big time. Who is Randy? Don't bring anyone loving to this. Your mom in the fucking sand. Welcome. Welcome to your mom's house.

With Tom Segura. And Christina Pajitzi. Christina Pajitzi. Christina Pajitzi. Welcome to your mom's house. A lot of people. A lot of people weigh in on the personality battle. It's not really a battle when we know there's one clear one.

Obviously. Oh my God. I bet you overwhelmingly people voted for me. Yeah, that's not how it went. You look like my mom. Thumbs up. Thumbs up. Good for you.

That's what my mother used to say. Thumbs up. Good for you. Made no sense. That had to be embarrassing. It was always embarrassing. So embarrassing. You know, I was realizing I was, I took the dogs out.

I realized, you know, your mom in the fucking stands that plays. Yeah. I realized that I have that entire speech memorized in my head. Do you know that word? This is personal verbatim. Why did you just think, did you rehearse it? No, when you were laying the dogs out. Did you think about the speech?

It just, it might for a moment. Take off the glasses. I can't even look at you seriously. Stop it. For a moment, I just was thinking about it. The playoffs are going on right now. Yeah. I was thinking about football and I was like, his speech, I used to be so obsessed with it.

Did I have it memorized? Coach Ice. Yeah. ICE. You want to hear it? Not E-Y-E-S's. Thumbs up. Good for you.

Let's hear it. I think this is verbatim. Okay. Let's do it. It's personal. It's personal right here, man. You in my house, in my face, disrespecting me. You're not doing it with feeling.

Oh no, I'm telling you, I haven't memorized. But do it with feeling. I don't want to. Now you're ruining the fun. But that's because you're not having fun because you're not a personality champion. A personality champ would do it with feeling. I don't want to perform it. Okay, then do it for memory.

You're in my house. You got remote control. You see how your personality ruins moments of a good time? How I was actually really wanting to do something and then your personality entered? You still can do it. But you see how you put the brakes on the phone? I tried to make it more funner. Let's get grammar.

Just do it. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Do it again. I'm sorry. Take two. Go ahead, Coach ICE. Speech, take two.

It's personal. It's personal right here, bro. You in my face, in my house, disrespecting me. I got to do something about it. My family right there, bro. I got to protect my mama. My mama's sitting in the stands, man. Your parents sitting right there.

They're in your house, man. Your mama in the fucking stands. Try to disrespect me and grab the fucking remote control. That's exactly what they did. They come in your house, Derek Wills. Control your motherfucking TV in your motherfucking house. T Diddy, they came right in our house. Put on the same shit you got on and said, fuck you.

Wow. That's the whole speech. Wow. I mean, that's from like seven years ago. Wow. I don't listen to it regularly. No. It's just in my head.

Do you think that you have a photogenic memory? I think so. Like you say in your act? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It's a healthy thing, right? It's a good thing when you memorize important stuff.

Like the coach ice speech versus like Martin Luther King's speech. I know. I could have memorized that. Yeah. Or anything else. Or this chick's speech. Her cum run speech. Yeah.

Let's see. Don't be mad at me. I hate when you get mad at me. Are you over it now? I'm not even, there's nothing to be over. Yeah. This makes me so upset when you get mad at me. I'm not mad at you.

Oh, and you're so angry because your personality is so sour all the time. Oh my God. Let's see if I- Oh God. Let's see. Shut up. Just listen to it. I want to see if, okay.

Hold on. If I, if I nailed this speech. You did. I feel it. I think I got it down there. Much. Correct. Ready?

Face in my house, disrespecting me. I got to do something about it. My family right there, bro. I got to protect my mama. My mama sitting in the stands, man. Your parents sitting right there. They're in your house, man. Your mama in the fucking stands.

There it is. They're trying to disrespect me in my house and grab a fucking, grab a fucking remote control. That's exactly what they did. They come in your house, grab a fucking remote control. They're willing to control your fucking TV. And you're over the house. Damn.

TV. They can't run it out. Put on the citizenship you got on. They say, fuck you. That's pretty close. You know, I never- I missed a fuck or an extra word here. Oh, I think it was very good.

I think you got very accurate. They didn't have the beginning of it. It was edited where they didn't have the beginning of it. That's why it sounded. No, I don't understand when he says wearing the same shit you got on and said, fuck you. What does that have to do with anything? He's implying that they put on pads in a uniform like you did. Oh.

You know this whole time, I just thought it meant like that guy shops at the same place as you do. Fuck him. Like he was style-sucking you. Like he went to the Grammys or whatever and the same outfit. You guys put on what you put on. Shoulder pads. All that stuff.

Yeah. And then they said, fuck you. So what are you going to do about it? Interesting. It's probably the greatest pre-game speech I've ever heard in my life. Yeah. Yeah. My coach never said shit like that.

One time my coach told us a story about these neighborhood boys. Yeah. That were fucking with one of his brothers and that his dad told my coach at the time who was a young man that him and his brother should go over there and kick the kid's ass. That was his pre-game speech. He got real emotional. And then so that was to motivate you to go kick the other teams. Their ass.

Yeah. But I'd never seen him get so emotional. Interesting. It was great. I really, really liked it. But I would have liked this much more. Yeah. Yeah.

I would have too. I'd prefer coach. Ice is my coach. I mean, if I was 15 or 16 and I heard that speech. A, I'm either hysterically laughing and biting my own tongue to not get murdered by him. Yeah. Or I'm so scared shitless of him that, you know, I'm ready to go out there. See, I think you and I grew up vastly different in that I heard inappropriate things yelled

constantly. So that, that was my norm. Yeah. I don't know. I don't. I remember one time that I had the, the driving instructor that Mr. I shouldn't say his name. He was actually the PE teacher. Yeah.

And he taught us driver's ed and he would tell us about the bikers in the street. Yeah. Yeah. These, uh, faggots on their bicycles wearing their faggy biker shorts. You don't want to fucking hit these guys because then you get sued. People laugh or no. No. Cause back, no, my friend Shauna and I did cause we were like, that's a rat.

This guy. Yeah. No shot. I were both like, this guy's the best. I'm going to come every weekend cause it was like the funniest singing here guy. Freak out like that. Yeah. Um, no one else.

No, I think the, it was, it was all girls school we went to. So it was all girls in the class and they weren't like fun. They don't have the personalities that I have and personality. This girl's got personality. Something she's got. She's got neat, uh, tats too. Yeah. You know, when I was on Facebook, um, that's, this is what it comes, she calls it a come

run, which is a, you know, basically running to the bathroom after sex. Yeah. After a guy jizzes in you. Yeah. I've done that before. Did you always call it a come run? Never had a name for it. Well.

The come run. Unless you're using a condom and let's face it. Who the fuck uses them? Then you're all going to experience the come run has to be the biggest sexual struggle and nobody talks about what you're supposed to do. I get through it. Wow. What is it?

No one talks about it. Like this is the big dilemma of, of our era of this age of living is the come run. Yeah. And no one talks about it because it's not that big of a deal. I don't know. I don't know. Also who the fuck wears condoms? You know, who's, I don't know.

I think it's more. Sailors, queers. Um, a few people. You know, who talks about the come run is your sister, Maria. Yeah. Remember one time she's like, Oh my God, Jeff and I did it. I'm like, this is come pouring out of me for like days. Dude.

She always has talked like that and has always been so descriptive and it's always upsetting. She's like, Oh my God. Cause like, I know when I got pregnant because like Jeff and I had sex like four days before I've related and then like the cum was dripping out of me. Oh my God. You guys are so disgusting. Yeah. It's, it's really foul and I wish she didn't talk like that.

I mean, yeah, the cum runs not fun, but it's not the biggest sexual. Oh my God. Seriously. Yeah. I honestly, and I don't have it. So I don't know, but I feel like butt sex would be the, the most embarrassing slash. Well, let's, why don't we dive a little deeper into this topic that's being ignored by the masses.

Pop situations where a boy's fucking juice that may a pulls out a fucking tissue. Yeah. What the fuck is that going to do? Please explain to me how a tissue that's just going to tear up and fucking stick to me. It's going to help me right now. This ain't paper mache. Paper mache. It's ain't paper mache.

She's selling a little down Nami there. How did down Nami cast wipe up their cum? They never, they never did, but she's right. They never explored that. It's like this big elephant in the room that no one's talking about. Right. The cum run. Like down Nabi would have been a perfect series.

There's cum all over my legs right now. What should I ever do? Certainly my lady. My lady. Allow me to lap it up for you. Carson was a cum lapper. Let that just run right into my mouth. Carson would do that for the family.

Lady Mary. He would. Yeah. He loved Lady Mary. Is that cum dripping from you? Oh, Carson. Where did that go? Why did that happen?

Anyway, I personally feel as if I have mastered the cum run. Oh. This is what I personally do. Okay. That piece is coming over. So you need to prep the room first. Two towels next to you. Easy access.

One for you. One for the bed. Yeah. No designing. No fucking white patch. Smart. So far so good. I'm also a big towel fan.

Yeah, I know. I like towels. You don't like them? No, you're the first gentleman. Well, let's be real. I've been with so many guys. I have so many guys talk about, no, let's, let's be real. It wasn't always a towel with you.

It was shirts for a while. Socks. He got a stiff dick. You'd like hand me. And went after her. You hand me like wet, like not wet, white t-shirts and stuff. And I'm like, do you have a towel, Tom? Yeah.

And then I think. I got into towels. Yeah. I have towels. Oh my gosh. Oh man. Oh man. I got towels.

I like towels. I like towels too. But then. You're saying I evolved into towels. Right. Well, it didn't start at towels. That's fair. It's a towel between the legs.

Legs crossed. And then we've got to sort of hop and wobble to the bathroom. Hi, Cherise. Hi. How long do you sit on that toilet for? Interesting. This chick's asking all the important questions. Right.

She's saying, how long do you wait for that jizz to fall out? They come to spill out. Well, I mean, as long as it takes. Well, but no, but think about it. When do you say that's it? You give a good push. Uh-huh. Like you flip, you know, push.

Yeah. And then after that, you know. So it's a legit question then. Yeah. Cause you could sit there and then maybe a few minutes later, a little more falls out. You get that jizz out. Yeah. I'm so glad she shared this on Facebook and on the internet and.

A lot of family members have heard probably on Facebook too. So it's a good thing to have. Is she called a chav? Nine times out of ten. You're fucking. If so would you say, I thought you scraped what you came out. What? Wait, wait.

You came out and can't still come out. Yeah. Oh my God. Master of accents. What the fuck did she just say? Nine times out of ten. You're fucking. If so would you say, I thought you scraped what you came out.

You stand up and come still coming out. Yeah. You've soiled yourself up. You scraped what you came out. Oh. And you stand up and come still coming out of you. Sure. Sure.

It's nice. Maybe, maybe Granny saw this video. That'd be nice for her to see too. Right. I thought you scraped what you came out. Scraped. Stand up and come still coming out. Yeah.

Come still coming out. Yeah. She's scraping. I wouldn't scrape my veg. Yeah. For that. Geez. You know, I don't know.

Dudes sound like they're shitting when they come. I've then got to get in the shower because there is no way. No way. I can walk in the bathroom with him. Come inside me. Come inside me. Yeah. What did she say when I go in the bathroom?

The next thing I'm doing is getting in the shower. I'm not going to get back in bed with all this cum inside of me. Yeah. Okay. So she's a big shower fan. Yeah. You go back in the bedroom and they're like, come on in. Round toe.

Get your legs open. Don't really want to fuck you and you've not left that bed. You ain't got to change yourself yet, mate. And I know I've come multiple times over that penis. Interesting point. So what she's saying is she gets out of the bathroom back in the bed with some of these dudes. Let's give it another go.

And she's like, you're still nasty. You haven't cleaned up. I've come on you. Why don't you clean up? I'm cleaning up. Why don't you clean up? Sure. You know?

Equal rights. Equal rights. I respect the lady for making that very valid point. And I also know you're about to dip your fucking dick back inside me where I've still got remains of your cum and then expect me to fucking suck it off, mate. So I just think, finish up. Let me do the cum run. Let me have a shower.

You jump in the shower. Fuck me in the shower. Clean each other in the shower. Done. Wow. This chick's got it all figured out. Yeah. I really, I really like her.

I admire her too. I like the amount of energy and the thought she's put into this, the time it takes to make a video, et cetera. I also didn't realize that within this video she brought up an issue and came to a resolution. Interesting. She solved the dilemma. She offered a solution, a constructive solution. Just let's go to the shower and we can do it all there.

But no matter how many times you do the cum run, it never seems to get any less humiliating. It's a sense of fucking embarrassment. Cummy. Fucking waddling about with a fucking towel with two in your legs. Don't look at that in fucking porn movies, does it? Where did I put it? The fucking cup it up there? She's definitely just fucking swallowing the cum instead.

Another good point. Oh, there's an interesting resolution to the Pratt lab. And to her, it would be a practical solution to swallow the cum instead of the cum run. Just put it in there. And then, uh, wouldn't that be a treat for, you know, I think I'd rather she's not doing it. Do the cum run pleasure. Yeah.

That's the best part is that she's like, look, the easiest thing is just right here. I just swallow it. Yeah. Clean it up. Then guys are like, Oh, it makes a lot of sense. Yeah. Yeah. No, I didn't think about that.

Well, she really hates the cum run that much. Well, I'm sure the cum run. I don't know about that. I mean, personally, not that big of a deal to me, you know, but to some people, it's a big deal. How often are you getting cummed in? Maybe that's her. That's a big thing for her.

What if she's right? I mean, she doesn't seem like she doesn't do it a lot. Right. Right. And how many different dudes we don't know. Yeah. Yeah. No condoms too.

She's like, who does that? Who wears a condom? The cum run. In other words, one big fucking bowl like that we all have to do and don't fucking want to do. Bowl ache? Bowl ache. Bowl.

Yeah. One big fucking bowl ache. Wow. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Wow. Classic girl.

I like her. I really like her. Yeah. She's called a chav, right? Is that a chav? I don't know. I'm not sure. In England.

I think of British slang. There's a guy, a Brit who teaches you how to speak like a roadman. Here's the video up. We got it sent. What's a roadman? Oh, here it is. Let's. Gonna get a cheeky Nando's beefy mandem.

That was a bad joke. Split. Are your crops a safe farm? They're still bait farm. You ate my chicken nuggets, innit? You're so bait fab. You ate my chicken nuggets, innit? Innit.

Hello, everyone. This is Billy. Today, I'm going to talk about roadman dialect words in London. We're going to talk about London street slang words or so-called roadman dialect words. Roadman dialect. Okay. London street slang. Yeah.

And he has, he's English as a second language, even though he speaks fluent English. Right. Because there's a, you can tell that his accent is there, but he's also, you know, he's trying to become a master of accents. Which is rad. Yeah. So he's teaching people. Roadman.

Roadman. Is that like cab drivers? Roadman? I don't know. The knowledge? Knowledge. My knowledge. Isn't that, wait, what's the, what's the, the cock, what is it?

Cockney. What is it? Cockney. Yeah. That's when they're real low class. Is that, is that what roadman is? Don't know. He said, well it's London street and that's called roadman.

That sounds like that. I'm assuming the road man being like a cabbie or something, maybe. Just. All right, English people. A blue collar guy. Right in. Okay. London street.

The first one is mandem. Mandem. Mandem means mate. And it usually means male friend. Mandem. Mandem sometimes means a group of friends as well. Jesus. This is, it reminds me of that girl who was like a cock, a collar.

Remember that? No. You don't remember that? A cock, a cock. Give me a cock. A cock, a cock. You don't remember that? Yeah, yeah, I do.

She was like a cock, a cock. Give me, I want a cock. It was a Korean lady, I think, and she was teaching people. A group of friends. A group of friends. A group of friends. English. Mandem, mate, mate.

Yeah, that was the, we played it long time ago. Gosh, it's so crazy that this is the same language. Please give me a cock. Do you have cock? And ask them the price of cock. Collar, collar, collar. But it was not collar, it was cock. Remember cock and what's cock?

Collar. It's not cock in Korean. Collar. Good. So cock. Yeah. Do you have cock? Yes, we do have cock.

And this guy, so mandem. Mandem. I never knew this. No, I don't know this shit. I mean, here I am, you know, teaching people how to learn different dialects. Right. People hire me. They hear that I do that and they reach out and they teach me.

You're like a consultant for accents and, you know, a lot of CEOs have been contacting you. All kinds of people. Actors, you know, artists. Yeah. All kinds of people. Physicians. People in government.

Yeah. Senators, congressmen. Yeah. You know, the incoming administration reached out. Yeah. They said, well, how are we supposed to do this without your help? I don't know. Mandem.

So when someone says like oi mandem. Oi mandem. This person is calling a friend. Oi mandem. You can also use the word blood or fam. Oi blood. We know that. We know blood and fam.

Blood. Fem. Fem. Fem. Arsenal might. Blood. What happened in that match? Blood.

Fem. Blood. Fem. I have to fart. I have to fart. You hear it. Jesus. That took so long because these chairs are not conducive.

Why do you treat me like that? Oh. Really? It's so disrespectful. Really? You're going to say that. You're the one. Blood.

Fem. You've been treating me like I'm a 10 year old boy. No, I haven't. Oi blood. Fem. Yeah. No. You treat me like I'm a 10 year old boy.

Why do I treat you like a 10 year old boy? The other day. The other day. You don't treat me like a wife is what I mean. Like a woman. What do you mean? Who you're sexually attracted to. You treat me like a 10 year old boy.

The other day you go. Let me. Let me check your dye dye. Is it brown in there? And then you pulled my underwear and then you went to sniff my butt like we do with Ellis. Yeah. You fart in front of me constant.

That was affectionate. Babe. You don't think of me like as a woman. You treat me like a 10 year old boy. You call me my boobies mushy purples and soggers and sloppers. Hold on. I made a list of things that you do that indicate that. Yeah.

Oh, you go. You go. Oh, you have chocolate down there. Because I saw your. I saw your bare butt cheeks and I thought you had some chocolate that you smeared on there. Yeah, but most husbands don't treat their wives like boys. They certainly don't ask to sniff their diaper and they don't tell them they have chocolate on their butt holes and stuff.

Well, I sniffed your diaper. Yeah. As a form of affection. Right. But also if it was full, I was going to help you change your diaper. Oh my God. Oh my God. And there's a lot of demeaning stuff for like side meat mommy.

Remember when you said that? I'll see how you laugh already at that one. Remember side meat mommy? Yeah. I was laying in bed with you. Yeah. And I put my arm around you. We were spooning.

Yeah. And then I was a little spoon. I said, Oh, here you are. And then I pretended I was you. And I went, I'm side meat mommy. And I laughed. That's not all you did. You grabbed my stomach meat.

Yeah. As you said it, you squish it and then you go, I'm side meat mommy. That's the real game. That was years ago. I know that's the first incident. You know, what's funny is that, you know, because we, I call them hangers and sloppers and mushy purples and everything. Yeah.

One of my buddies goes, he goes, oh, I was. He was with his girlfriend. He's a girlfriend for years. And he goes, big, you know, I like this big sloppers. And she goes, what did you just say? He said, I like those slappers. And she goes, what is that? It's just something that, um, that I heard on a podcast and she goes, I don't like that.

And I don't want you to say that to me ever again. Right. And he goes, okay. See, that's what, let's see, that's the appropriate response for something like that. And that's what I should have said to you 10 years ago. It's too late now. When you started on this kick with side meat mommy and sniffing my diaper, the thing is I didn't have the self-respect or the self-confidence to do that, you know?

Really? So you think it was a matter of self-confidence? That, yeah. And that I was raised by a single father who treated me. You think it's a lack of respect, really? Yeah. If I, if I, if I were more of a woman, like a womanly woman, the fact is I was raised half by my single father and half by my mom.

And my dad treated me like a 10 year old boy. So I think in some ways it's familiar and it's funny to me. But are you saying you really want it to change? No. I'm just pointing out the obvious. Oh. But I mean, I love you. I've been with you for 12 years for a reason because it fits.

It's a, it's like a hand and glove at this point, you know? Yeah. No, I just noticed it because I, because you told me that story and I was like, yeah, there's no woman, not a lot of women would tolerate. You always, every other week now you go, you realize no other woman could be with you and I'm like, wait, what? And you're like, no woman would tolerate. No woman would tolerate you pulling their underwear and being like, and we sniff your

diaper or there's chocolate on your butthole and stuff. I mean, but you're, and the farts and the farts are, you know, you fart a lot. Yeah, I know. You just fart on here. That's cause I was raised like a 10 year old boy. All right. Fam. Fam.

Blut. Blut. Blut. Blut. Let's take a look at an example sentence. Example. I'm going to get some Nando's chicken with my friend. Nando's with your mandem.

Wait a minute. Yeah. Cheeky Nando. Why is Nando's cheeky? I'm going to get a cheeky Nando's with your mandem. Go get a cheeky Nando's with the, with the mandem. With me mandem. Blut.

Fam. Arsenal. Mate. Fuck. What? What? What? What?

Bear usually means not covered, right? Right. But in roadman dialect, bear means very or a lot. Didn't know that. Bear means very or a lot. Bear. Bear. Bear.

Look at the mothers, the mothers. Babe! A lot of them. You've got 10 times the amount of tits most people have. See if I were a woman, if I acted like a girl. That would bother me. Didn't those guys come in handy lately? Yeah, actually.

Thank you for bringing that up, because I went to get a mammogram. Which you should obviously, at 40, they tell you to do it. No but I'm saying, we should highly recommend it. Yes. Go do it. It's not that big of a deal. Men get your prostate exams. It's not a big deal.

I was thankful for my mushy, mushy purples, because they squish them in like a glass vise to whatever x-ray them. My tits, before I had a kid, it would have been very sensitive and painful. But the blessing in the skies is that they're all deflated and mushy. Yeah. I didn't even hurt. I didn't even feel it really. It was great.

Yeah. So it's a good thing that I have these big mushy purples now. Yeah. Big, mushy. Purples. Purples. Mushy. Mushy.

He says mushy. I say mushy. They're mushy. Purples. Purples. Mushy. Yeah. That's a lot.

Yeah. They're mushy. Purples. Bear. Also, when something is very funny, people sometimes say bear jokes. For example, that was very funny, mate. That was bear jokes, blurt. Oh my gosh.

I like his, when he changes to a roadman. Yeah. I like that he wears a Dita skier. He's a huge fan of this jacket. And he, and he, like he froze his brow a little bit and he goes, that was bear jokes, blurt. That was bear jokes, blurt. Aye. Oi.

Magnum. Bear fucking jokes, blurt. The word creps means trainers. Many roadmen are interested in called trainers. So you would often hear this word from roadmen. Yeah. We don't say trainers here. No.

Trainers. Totally English. Super English. Yeah. If you said like, I'm trying to get some trainers. Everyone would be like, the fuck are you talking about? You mean running shoes, Helmholtz? Yeah.

You mean sneakers? You fucking silly, Willie. But do we even say sneakers? That's real like Middle America. That's real New York. East Coast. They say sneakers. Yeah.

Sneaks, sneaks, kicks. Kicks. Yeah. I say running shoes. That feels real foreign because my parents called them running shoes. What do I say? Yeah. But you say kicks.

Yeah. I do. I'll say sneakers sometimes. Sneaks. Yeah. Or I'll just say shoes. I'll say brand name. You know.

All right. You're Pumas. Yeah. Adidas. Adidas. Yeah. Euros love Adidas and Puma. I do too.

I love that shit. I love it. You see those Pumas more. A lot of the Latinos wear them. I love Pumas. Like the upscale Latin people, like when you see like, if they're over here visiting, but they're of money. Totally.

The Latinos will all have on Pumas. So true. Like when we used to. Yeah. Yeah. So snug. They're not, they're not bulky at all. They're, they're built to just like hug your foot and not, and be non-existent.

I asked my mom, by the way, a few years ago for, I go, I need some running shoes. Yeah. Just for working out. And she got me track shoes. Like cleats or whatever. Yeah. She got me cleats. But for actual track and field, I was like, mom, I don't train for the Olympics.

These are track shoes. You said running. So I got to do these. All right. Do you know what shoes I loved growing up that I don't even think they make anymore? I don't know if they do are kangaroos. Yeah. They sell make those.

Yeah. Sure. Blood. Blood. Blood. Blood. Blood. Blood.

Yeah. You can get those trainers at like Savon back in the day, dude. They were like kangaroos. And they had like a pocket. Aren't they called just roos or roos? Well, anyway, I found a pair when I was visiting Germany like 10 years ago. And they're a rat. And people hide drugs in them apparently in that because they had that pocket with the

Velcro. Perfect for drugs. I've been around you too much now. Yeah. Too long. Love it. And rad slipped in my eye. Yes.

And you made so much fun of me for saying rad. But that's, you know, that's the nature of being with people around it for so long. I said it the other day and this guy goes, did you just fucking say this is rad? And I go, yeah. And then you've been saying gnarly, which is rad. It's totally you. It's all you. I love gnarly.

I know. Yeah. Because you used to make fun of Kat Von D when she would say rad because she's a total LA girl too. Yeah. Yeah. And she's like, dude, it's so rad. And you were like, God.

It's so rad. Fuck with my ass, man. That's not what she said. That's what she said. That's her. That's Kat Von D. That's Kat Von D. So when a road man says like, I need new craps, that means this person needs new trainers.

This guy's really helping his native people though. This guy is real talented. He's like, this is how people talk when they talk like that. I need new craps. Crap. Crap. Crap. Crap.

Crap. Crap. Crap. Crap are trainers, huh? Crap are trainers. Fuck is it. I don't get this shit at all, dude. We know it's crazy that this is the same language that we speak, but not really.

It's the Queen's English fucking man. I got to open this. We should just man down. Let's glass. Yes. Just glass and just glass. So go to Moose. That always means as you know that that it's time to go over some live stuff, but this

is real important. I don't want to forget the live podcast February 12th. At the Irvine Improv sold out. Thank you everybody that got tickets. It's real exciting. We decided that it's a month away. We figured that some people, you know, just didn't get to it in time. So we decided to add a second live podcast.

No. 9pm. We're going to do an all new podcast at 9. So now you have a month. You have a month to get tickets to that one. It's going to be a lot of fun. That's going to be a full day of jeans, Sunday, February 12th. Denim on denim on denim.

So much jeans. How are they going to handle the denim load? Everyone's going to be chafed because they're all going to be sitting next to each other and their jeans are going to rub. It's going to be so fun. Do you realize how big Irvine is yesterday? I was in Oxnard. Crazy.

The guy that oversees all those said they're shipping extra, like an extra truckload of water just because I'm going to be there. You had me, asshole. I was looking at you like, what are they going to, what are they going to send? So we're real excited about that. In addition to that, I should say thank you to everybody coming to my tour. I do know this so far, New Orleans sold out Atlanta sold out. Fairfarter might have 10 tickets.

I don't know, Tallahassee, few tickets, Milwaukee's close to sold out, Madison is sold out. All three Minneapolis shows are sold out. So thank you for everybody. If you want to see where I'm going to be, I have about 30 plus cities I'm going to. A lot of them are on the brink. So check it out if you want to get tickets, tomsegura.com slash tour jeans. I know you have some dates as well. Yes.

I'm so excited about Irvine. I can't wait. It's going to be so many mommies. I love it. I love it. Okay. February 17th locally. I'm headlining the Hollywood improv February 17th and then the 18th of February, Flapper's

comedy club in Burbank. I'll be headlining there April 13th through 15th, the Brea improv May 4th and 5th, Fartnecks, Arizona. It's stand up live May 19th and 20th, Jewdork titties at Gotham comedy club, June 16th and 17th, man friend disco, the punchline comedy club. And I got a couple more coming Denver. I'm going to be at you. I don't have, I'm not on the date locked in yet, but I'm coming there too.

So super stoked. All right. Come see me. There you go. Listen to that steep bro. It's a good show. Thank you for the instrumental. This is the best.

Sorry. This next door app that you sign me up for, I just got another, some lady is stealing people's points. So there's like an update on it and there's a screen grab of it. El Chapo. This is ridiculous. That was El Chapo by Eddie Bojangles for that instrumental. Thank you very much.

You can always send your songs or your instrumentals to your mom's podcast at gmail.com. There's no house in the email address. Your mom's podcast. Oh my gosh. At gmail.com. Jeans, we put it out there last week. Obviously, there's a big dispute between the two of us of who's the real personality champion.

Oh, for fuck's sake. It's so obvious. Everybody knows it's me and people wrote in and here's what they're saying. Oh, no. Okay. I want to know what people are saying. Some of it's so mean. I don't need to know what people are thinking about this one.

Mommy Tina thinks she is the personality champ. Just like how she thinks she went to a dentist that one time and the donor solar, the dentist solar. She had 67 cavities. Tom is the main mommy, the water champ, the weight loss champ and now the personality champ. Sorry, Tina. Dylan.

Thanks Dylan. Dylan. Next email. As a professional mommy, this is no fucking contest. Hands down. The personality champ is mommy Tina. Yes. Why?

Well, having been to every live podcast and hanging out before and after the shows with the two mommy Tina is always excited and truly happy to see my bear and I, she goes out of her way to ask us how we are and gives massive hugs, which I know she hates, but she does it anyway. I don't hate. That's called a warm personality. Meanwhile, buns gives a head nod, woohoo and side hugs with a look that reads he'd rather be anywhere but there.

Now I have more. We have seen the mommy's separate standup. So many times I can't count mommy Tina without fail, acknowledges us and honestly cares how we are. The hugs. Oh, the hugs pure warmth and love Tommy on the underhand has never once recognized us or put himself out there for any sort of conversation. When we have talked forced, I might add his vibe is one of coldness and boredom.

Oh my gosh. We almost feel embarrassed for having put him through the torture. Now maybe we've caught buns on off days every single time we've seen him. Who knows? But there has never been a time when we didn't feel real love from mommy Tina. Thank you. That's how you become a personality champ people. Let's see if buns can change our minds at the Irvine live podcast.

My hopes are high only because I know the true personality channel will delightfully shine like always real mommy forever jeans higher than my eyeballs. Leah. Leah, I know Leah. Leah Durbs. I have a no last name. Durbs on Instagram. I like her photos.

I like to be intimate with our fans. Thank you. Hey, Hitler, let me start by saying I am a Puerto Rican male and yes, big mushy purples and blonde hair definitely do not make my dick soft. Oh, thank you. But with that bias being addressed, I much say that Jean has a way better personality. You can tell that Tom will be unbearable for long periods of time. Tom may be better at first glance.

Yeah. That was only because he is around. He is fake around people, but right. Right. I am also a fake person in public. So I say this as someone who can relate to Tom. Jean on the other hand seems to always act like herself no matter where she is. The difference between the two can be seen on many podcasts that they have been on.

So with this being said, I can only imagine the real Tom's to grow up being way worse her. Jean has the better personality and I will bet my life on it. PSI have been a fan of the show since episode 50. Thank you for all the laughs. They always remind me to pull my jeans and high and tight. Tyson. Wow.

Well, you know, it's a very thorough assessment that guy really put a lot of thought into. I'm sure you're going to read yours now. Oh, I don't know where that's coming in from. Jean, the real truth is Tom is charismatic and compassionate. Oh, never been a more clearly composed dialogue from an individual with such talent. He has friends everywhere. Every individual I talk to about a degrees men want to be him and women want to be with him.

Oh, wow. Christina is a personality dud. She's a really sweet person, but not someone you'd want to start a conversation with. I think people would definitely want to act. I think people would definitely want to interact with her if they had the chance to see Tom probably from a distance. Tom is obviously the personality and water champion. Wow.

Christopher, you know what's so funny about these, um, these emails is that they're serious that that's the best part is that they, they're really actually, cause you know how other things are like Tom's a large amp because of the, you know, the arcade and like there's nothing, it's nonsensical, but people are really taking this to heart. This debate, this nonsensical debate. So great. Hey, there's one more here. Hey, jeans.

Clearly purple jeans gets overwhelmed by your water champion status that she feels the need to challenge the fact you are also the personality champion. Her voice cracks, face gets red and her mannerisms present clear anxiety. I mean, come on. When you drink so much water, you feel so much better and therefore are a better person to be around. This is one of the many factors as to why you're the undisputed personality champ. It's okay though.

Let purple jeans know she's married to a great role model. If the battle is knowing the path to take after your efforts to lose so much weight and become the weight loss champion, she has no choice to be filled with motivation and become a better person all around. Thank you. Stay safe. Mommy's best, a sincere viewer. My face does not turn red.

Does my face turn red? I think when you're faced with the reality of your personality, you get upset. Does my face turn red? I wouldn't know. I don't see myself. I don't see you all the time. I don't see colors. I don't even know when a black person walks in the room.

Oh, that's true. You don't see colors. Your color blinded. It's a personality flaw. Yeah. It's a total personality flaw. Wow. People are really weighing in on this.

Yeah. I mean, serious debate. It seems like it's settled that I am the winner, but you know, we'll see. We'll see. Time will tell. So Ollie, who used to use his real life, I don't remember, starts with an M, then became Ollie Zimzer. Right.

And now he's Ollie Zeezer Zimzer. I love it. I love it. And he's produced some really great, great songs for us. You know, if you're familiar with the show, you go back through the catalog, especially within the last, I would say, 50 episodes, he's really hit some home runs. He created a mix, a song that's a remix where he used King Ash Ripper's farts to make a song.

I have always a big fan of these farts. Really? Me too. That is the bread. Oh my gosh. This is the bread and butter of our show. Yeah. So let's hear it.

I haven't really had a chance to hear it. So let's hear it. Let's hear it. It's a sure. Thank you, Ollie Zeezer Zimzer for the fart master. Let's see how he titled it. Farts sounds only. The mommy mix.

Here we go. He always has a nice buildup. Yeah, he's excited. This guy's a real talent. Tell me. That's quiet. Where are those farts? I don't know.

I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. Where are those farts too? That's great. He's never disappointed. Very talented.

I mean, I feel like two of the greatest talents to come from the show. Thank you. Obviously, King Asher were discovering him, but then Ollie together, that's magic right there. It is. I just imagine Ollie putting it together in the studio. Listening to all those hours of farting. You have to think of the fart as an instrument at that point.

What pitch is that hitting? Right. His girlfriend walking in and being like, what are you working on? He's like, hold on. I got to finish this song. She's like, I don't know. I was doing this one. Let's see.

His dogs are getting hungry. He wrote an email. He did. I think I did myself with this one. Agreed. I made an entire song only using fart sounds. All that was fart sounds. Everything from the drums to the melody is 100% fart sounds.

You're kidding. I think you guys will be proud. I came a long way from the first couple of beats. I think I might have changed the game forever. I think you may have. Love you, mommy. I didn't realize that was all farts. I didn't either.

That's what I was asking. The beats and all farts. Wow. What a talent. What a talent. Time well spent. Thank you. That's really impressive, man.

Really, really something. It's like that. Is it Obi-Wan who pieced together Theo's jam? What's up? The 10. Tam's time. Tam with the S on the head from the hundreds block. And he pieced together all the times Theo was on the show.

That's right. And made a wrap out of it. That was just wild. You remember last week, right? When someone wrote. Do I remember it? I've only been thinking about it all week. Somebody wrote in a McAfee related story.

Hey, jeans. When I was a 30-year-old student in NYC, I knew a generous older guy that had a fancy version of this chair. It had a glass window that could slide in and out about four inches below the seat. He used to lay on his back and watch me push out steaming turds onto the glass. What? For 250 bucks a session. Hold on a minute.

Hold on. He would pay me to come around, sit down, and dump. Once the dump was done, I would get up, dress, and leave, and he would play with the deposit. He's in someone mode. Now I know a story of somebody. On a reality show that I was friends with acquaintances with. I remember you told me this story. That he would go to this man's house and the man would leave a brown paper sack on the

counter and this person would have to shit into the sack and then leave it there and there was money on the counter. Wow. That's really something. Now $250 is not nothing to sneeze at. Well, especially if you're a grad student or an undergrad, whatever your student. I'd say that's a really good price for that. I mean, you started talking about the cost of your tuition, your books, your housing.

Imagine if that guy's like, just do it once a week or twice a week. It'd be 500 bucks a week. And for some you do for free twice a day. Yeah. Yeah. Could you imagine that you're a spare money? There was a couple that came to a show that works in the adult entertainment business. And the girls told me that a guy made that request one time, a fan did of her.

They're a married couple, but they do online videos where they sell. So one of the fans was like, I want you to mail me like a dump. I can't mail it. She was like, I'm not doing that. He offered two or $3,000. Wow. So she said yes, but he was like, but I want you to eat this, this, and this specifically. And I go, did you stick to the diet?

She goes, yeah, absolutely. Because, you know, he seemed to really... And he's going to know because obviously he's thought this out enough that he has requests. So she ate what he had wanted him to. What was it? What was it that she ate? Oh, wow. But she was like, I ate it for like two days.

Kimchi. She healed it. Send it off. And how do you mail a dump though? I didn't get into it, but I imagine pretty, pretty well sealed, a couple layers of sealing. Well, Fedex, well, Fedex, you can't tell them what's in it. I don't think they'd be happy about it. They won't take it.

I don't think so. You don't send it. I guess you have to do regular old fashioned. I mean, you could send a dump. You could just, you put it in several packages. Think about it. You put it in Tupperware. Think about it.

Let's think about this. I'm serious. Okay. You dump your, in your Tupperware. Tupperware. The kind that I have that pops over. Yeah. Okay.

You put that into a, maybe you put a wrap around that too, like Saran wrap. Or a gallon bag, like a Ziploc gallon bag. Then you put that Tupperware wrapped in a box and you, you seal that box up. Right in the box. And then you put that box in a second box. So that will prevent the smell because it's going to smell very bad. It's going to smell like someone took a shit. Yeah.

It's not going to be good. Especially if it's hot, if it's summertime mailing. And you realize that, that box gets to this guy's house. He opens it and right away. That's his fantasy. It's Christmas for him. Yeah. That's it.

That's all he's ever wanted. I dump. It's so crazy. Now, did you have time this week? I know you're very busy. Yeah. Did you have time this week to run your finger on your crack? That was like a question.

Huh? Huh? That wasn't even a fart. I couldn't tell. It smells bad. It smells like a fart. Of course it smells like a fart. Your farts always smell bad.

Now you didn't answer my question. I know you had a busy week. Yeah. But did you have a moment in your busy day to run your finger along your crack? Don't put it in your asshole. But just along the crack to smell your own smell, your fingers. Who's your owner? Yeah.

Yeah. I did. And I feel much better about it. Have you learned your own smell? You know, that guy is so goddamn ridiculous. That's stupid. Yeah. He's just so good.

I smell what you're not to smell like at different times of the day. Yeah. You don't want to run your finger along your crack. If you're ass, you don't need to finger your hole. You don't want to come back with shit on your finger. Thank you. Yeah. But you want to sniff it.

Yeah. I'll burn what your ass smells like. What your cock and balls smell like. You got to learn that stuff because people don't know. We got an email this week. Oh, no. It's funny because the person is right on board with what we were talking about. Dear mommies, I believe it was an episode 367 where both pairs of jeans question whether

people got into pup play to relieve sexual desires or just burn off some steam in a fun, harmless and non-sexual way. And that is something that we highlighted last week. We showed you the TV documentary. It's like, we're just having fun. Just a couple of lads in a latex outfit. Make sure you give yourself a fondle. Have a fondle.

God. Have a fondle. If you have a moment in the day, if you have a break, go to a cubicle or the bathroom. Have a fondle. If you're not too busy. I love that it's like, you can fit this into your schedule like a workout. Yeah. Take the stairs instead of the elevator.

Please. Well, he wrote, you both questioned that whether it's fun, harmless. It has come to my attention that pup play is almost 100% sexual. I've done some digging and boy, I sure did find a bone. You will see in exhibit A, a pup being filled up and sealed shut. What? And then with what is referred to as a tail in the pup world or what sane people call butt plugs.

Andrew. What's sane people? So he's 100% right. Andrew is right. And this pup play. Oh Christ. So here is a pup getting a tail at the vet. Oh boy.

Oh boy. The vet's dressed up like a normal vet. No, it doesn't look like our vet. She's very different. Oh boy. So right now the vet who's in a full latex outfit and a mask just put the human pup on all fours on the table. Oh boy.

Also for this dog's examination, there appears to be handcuffs, lube and a butt plug on the table and a phone. And the iPhone. Yeah. Oh boy. Oh boy. Okay puppy. I'm going to be a good pup.

Oh there's someone taking pics too. Yeah. Yeah. Someone's got these here. We've got these. You don't want me to use those too. No. No.

We don't need those do we? Yeah. So the pup is. It's all okay. Now the vet is doing the right thing keeping the pup relaxed. You all right? Yeah. Okay.

So we do it the thief too. Yes. He doesn't like the vet either. He doesn't like the vet. You got to keep petting him and be like it's all right buddy. It's all right. So, so far it does seem like a very thorough medical examination. Yeah.

And it's just, it's not sexual. Puppies don't like this. Uh-oh. It's an important thing to do. Oh. Oh. It's okay. Oh.

The muffle is amazing. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. So the vet just opened what appears to be a zipper on the back of this dog's late, the human dog's latex uniform. The poop ship.

Yeah. And he says he's going to give that little, little area an exam. Oh boy. But as they do to dogs, they do that to dogs, you know. They do. They put a thermometer in there. And they express the anal glands. Yeah.

If you've done like it at all. Oh puppy. You don't have a tail. Oh. Good puppy. Good puppy. Yeah. Good puppy.

Oh. Good. Yeah. You push down on that if you think it feels okay. Yeah. Let's do that. Oh. Good puppy.

You can push down on that if you think it feels okay. Sexual though. God. I wish people would stop stigmatizing us. Yeah. Poor guy. We're just people that look just like to wear latex and we just like to act like dogs. Yeah.

Oh. Now you and I had this debate in the car because we couldn't stop thinking about pup play in the hammock. Mm-hmm. Is which one is, is definitely sicker. Like what's. What's. Oh yeah.

What's what's weirder I guess. You know what I mean. Yeah. I mean it's definitely it's not good to be in the hammock world. Well my argument is the hammock world it's it's one and done. It's like it's a short thing. The pup play it's it's like you're taking a semester. You're taking classes.

Plays a lifestyle. Yeah. It's a whole thing. It's really, really got to dive in. But if somebody goes, I mean here's the thing. What side of the hammock are you on? That's all the difference. I'm the one depositing.

Yeah. And I want to $250 I need to make. Yeah. That's not that big of a deal. I guess. Yeah. It's still just like a gross thing to be doing. It's horrible.

Yeah. It's hard. It's hard. And I don't even know if I could shit in front of another person. That's really the truth of it. No. No. No.

No. Front of them into their mouth. They're not watching you take a dump. They're under you receiving. I get it. And the thing that that might make the pressure, but the pup play lifestyle. It's just so involved. Like that's just, that's a real, and you got to buy the latex.

And I tell you, I don't think latex outfits are cheap. That's what you're concerned with. The lifestyle. It's so much. The expenses. Who got time for that stuff? You know? Yeah.

I'm just saying that it's a real investment to be into the pup play. I've only seen two that this one pig just benefit from the whole pup play thing. It's one guy. It's one guy. He's like the who's your owner guy. He's the only guy that actually gets off on this thing. Right. And he has all these pups.

And smell your nuts. Smell your cock and bulls. That's it's just, it's just him. It's him and the five dudes that are into it. They're like, where your dog? Where are you? I'm the best time. Just loving life.

I want to see more of this medical exam. Well, I don't. I think I know. You don't have a tail. Oh. You don't have a tail. Good puppy. Good puppy.

Yeah. Good puppy. Now, do you see the way he said, he goes, oh, puppy, you don't have a tail. Like we can fix that though. Right. The way. What's creepy. I don't.

You know what I don't like now that they're doing actual, it's like it mixes the animal stuff. Yeah. Now it's like, okay, is this, it's kind of weird to think of a dog that you're fucking. How do you think you get hard? Of course. That's the whole thing. You got to mix those two worlds.

Yes. Now I'm confused. Now are these guys into fucking dogs? And this is sublimating that need to fuck a dog. They are dogs. Now you've come because you need a tail, haven't you? Yeah. Oh, shit.

Oh, no, that's so big. You'd like us to give you. Oh my God. It's so long too. So now. That is enormous. So now the idea is that this human pup doesn't have a tail, poor guy. And they're going to give him the tail in the form of a very long butt plug.

Yeah. So that he'll have a tail. Yeah. But by the way, it's just a fun, just a, it's just a, it's like a club where you hang out and this guy, we watch football. Yes. It's just a fun thing. Stop making it sexual.

This is like the Girl Scouts, the Boy Scouts. We're just a community of people. Could you put that nine inch dildo into my asshole for a second though? It's just for the dog thing. It's nothing to do with sex. Oh my God. Let's have a look at the little puppy. Oh, sir.

Oh, look. Oh, sir. This guy loves it. He's 11 live right now. Oh boy. Oh boy. Oh my God. It reminds me of that.

Give me that hole over there. Come on. So intense. You're very tight down there, aren't you? No shit. It's my asshole, you dick. Very tight. Yeah, it's your butt.

I know it hurts. I know it hurts. Let's have a good close-up. Oh no. Get down. That's gonna help. Rest your head a little bit. Yeah, that'll help.

Thank you, sir. Yes, sir. Oh boy. How much to do this one? Okay. Now would you rather? Would you rather do pop play or the hammock? But as a guy, what role am I in either one?

You're the fucking pup, bro. I'm the pup or what? You're the pup here and you're the shitter in the other scenario. Oh, taking a shit. Yeah. Of course. Easy, right? Yeah, it's easy.

If you were, I think, into pup play, you weren't into pooping. Well, no, I'm never gonna receive a poop. No, neither. Well, okay, if it's between receiving the poop or getting the butt plug. Get a butt plug. Easy, right? Yeah, of course. Get 10 butt plugs.

Put butt plugs in my mouth and put them everywhere. Shove butt plugs in my ears. Well, because you can't even really eat brown. I mean, it's like not a good thing to eat brown ever. There's gotta be a brown eater that listens to this show, too. Please write in. How do you eat it? How do you eat brown?

It doesn't make you so sick. God, how do you do it? I mean, physically, you just get ill if you eat brown. You can't eat brown. You can drink. You can drink yellow if it's separated. I read that in the survival handbook because it'll separate in the layers and you can drink the top layer of urine, but you can't eat brown.

Yeah. It's just a no-no, man. Everybody knows that. Yeah. Crazy. Stop eating brown. Do they bite the turd? Like, do you think they really eat it or they just play with it?

The people who like it? You bite into it and swallow it? I want to think about it. I want to be fucking sick right now. Why? God, you're such a square. Why don't you open your mind? I know.

I'm such a fucking square. Yeah. Why don't you be a little more open-minded about other people's sexuality, Tom? Last week, we had the dad boner who saw the whales, which was actually really cool. That was really cool. He was like, whoa. Yeah. Whoa.

He's like a glass and dad. Yeah. Super glass. We restock glass. And by the way, a bunch of people hit me up for it. It's fully restocked. Also, I got your emails. If you got that first order of gildens, you got some coming to you.

We restocked that. We restocked the water champ. We restocked the double pipe classics. So, thank you for shopping at the store. Go to yourmomshousepodcast.com. Oh, quick, quick, quick. Don't, we just added Amazon UK. That's right.

So, if you're in the United Kingdom and you like our show and you shop on Amazon, you can now click on our UK banner on yourmomshousepodcast.com. Yeah. Because we have one for, obviously, for here in the U.S. and we have one for Canada. Canada. Yeah. And now the UK. Thanks for your support.

So, here's a new clip of a dad boner. I haven't seen it yet, but it's reacting to a solar eclipse. Those are pretty fantastic. Oh, yeah, there it is. There's a shadow. Wow. Look at that. Here it comes.

Oh, my God. Look at it. Look at this. Oh, my God. It's coming. The moon's shadow is coming. It is coming. Oh, my God.

Here it comes. Look at this. I've never seen it like this ever. He's so sincere. It flashes. Oh, my God. Here we go. Look at it.

Oh, my God. Whoa. Look at that. Oh, my God. Here we go. He's got so much excitement and anticipation. Do you realize that we have found an entirely new lane? Yeah.

Like, we have found, like, dads dorking out basically. Yeah. Glass and dads. Glass and dads, for sure. Wow. Oh, my God. It's coming right over. It's like a storm.

Look at this. Oh, my God. We're getting close. We're getting close. We've built the door. Oh, my God. Corona. There it is.

Diamond bellies, beads. Bellies, beads, diamond ring. Look at that. Corona. Totality. Totality. Oh, my God. You realize if that was your dad and you're there, you'd be like, please.

Please. Please. Oh, my God. Look at that. Totality. Oh, my God. Look at those streamers. Look at the chromosomes.

It's all prominences. He's such a science dad. So many big words. Yeah. He's using all the technological words. You must have read Wikipedia right. Going up to the atmosphere. Oh, look at down there.

Light. Oh, what is it? Speeding. Oh, there's a flare. Look at that diamond ring. Look at that. Oh, my God. Diamond ring.

That's a double rainbow. Look at that. Oh, my God. Wow. Wow. Such a wow dad. Yeah. Yeah.

The fucking ultimate dad boner. Yeah. Yeah. We have him. We have, what is it? It's the, yeah. No. Sorry.

It's the whale dad. Yeah. Look at a diamond. Yeah. Here's whale dad. Did they breach feeding? Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Oh, here's whale dad. Did they breach feeding? This is cool though. Stoke dad. I hear him. I hear him. Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. This is. That's awesome. That is awesome. Oh, man. Wow. You can hear like the dad juices flowing through his body.

Oh, my God. I just shit myself. Oh, Lord. Yeah. Wow. Those are super dads. Yeah. Those make me so happy though.

I know. Every time I hear him, I get like, I get, it's, the excitement is contagious. It is. Yeah. Yeah. Ultimate dad. Just glass. Just glass.

Yeah. I caught a moose. Man, we got so many fucking, I get tagged in a hundred things a day. Like just glass in here. Dude, did you see, um, was it USA today? Yeah. And it had Aaron Rodgers. And then it's one of those, uh, you know, it has the caption of the photo like Aaron

Rodgers against the New York giants. But they also like, we'll give a little title to the, to the side photo. USA today. Yeah. And it said just glassing. Just glassing. But they said glassing with a G. Yeah.

They say glassing. Yeah. But I know, but it was us and the, the glassing is not a word. Well, no, I mean, if you hadn't, if we hadn't played that and, and I saw that caption title, I'd be like, what the fuck does that supposed to mean? Right. Yeah. No, we invented just glassing.

Yeah. It's pretty nuts. It's nuts. Um, that in double pipe. Well, we didn't invent it because it was, it was a term, but just glassing is, is now definitely YMH. Yeah. Yeah.

For sure. That's legit. I found out that that, remember that Rockwell automation guy, the con, the most boring man, apparently that is like an aristocrats joke for engineers. What? Remember the aristocrats? Oh, right. So apparently that video with all those terms, that's like an aristocrats joke for

engineers. Oh my God. Okay. So it's all the big words. Yeah. The basic joke is you create a video about the turbo in cab, in cabulator and you fill it with nonsensical hilarious and other companies have done it. Like, um, looks like we have another one here.

Okay. So it was a gibberish. It's a gibberish joke for the engineers got you laugh at all this, which is, it is hilarious. It's funny. Even if you're not an engineer, it's pretty good. It's funny. So this is like an ongoing thing. Here at Chrysler Motors Automotive Operations, research has been proceeding to develop a

line of heavy duty transmissions that establishes new standards for reliability, durability and quality. With customer needs as our primary focus, work is proceeding on the crudely conceived idea of an instrument that would not only supply inverse reactive current for use in unilateral phase detractors, but would also be capable of automatically synchronizing cardinal grammators. Such an instrument is the turbo in cabulator. The original machine had a base plate of pre-famulated amulite surmounted by a malleable

logarithmic casing in such a way that the two spurving bearings were in a direct line with a panometric fan. And then these guys just lose their shit. It's hilarious. Ambuffation lunar windchop. How did this guy learn all this stuff? He's not reading off cards. It looks like he is.

Yeah. Wow. The main winding was of the normal Lotus O Delta type placed in panendermic semi-boloid slots of the stator. So that's what they do. That's amazing. That's so funny. All right.

It's good to know that engineers have a sense of humor. I know. It is. I don't know if I should keep you waiting any longer. Yes. There's more submissions. Yes. Of hi, mommy.

Yes. It's the best. Thank you guys for sending them in. It's been absolutely one of the most fun. I can't tell you how many times, by the way, in the last couple weeks when you guys have been sending these in and we've been playing them, that I then get messages that go like I had to pull over my car because people are laughing at what you're doing with these hi, mommy.

People are really enjoying these. I'm really enjoying this. I am too. I think it's super funny. This is the best. This is one of the funniest things we've ever done. The third installment of hi, mommy. Thanks, Jeans.

Thank you, Richard and Starbucks. This is Amanda. You can order whenever you're ready. Thanks, mommy. Okay, I'm ready. What can I get for you now? Yeah. Can I get a grande iced coffee high in tide with soy milk unsweetened, please?

Yeah. All right. Ice coffee with soy milk and unsweetened honey milk. One second. I'm glassing. Do you want anything, Hitler? Oh, can I get a water? I need to stay hydrated.

Do you want anything else? That's it. All right. It's going to be 302 today. We'll see you out of the window. Thank you. Wow. Genius.

Yeah, great. Thank you. With you. Love you. Bye. Wow. Yeah. The bar has been elevated.

Yeah. And I need to say hydrated. Hydrated and she goes, Hitler, do you want anything? She turns to the guy. I mean, that was masterful. I'm really well done. I like her ease with it. She just did it naturally.

That was wonderful. You do it. You act like you've been there before. That was Kristen. Thank you, Kristen. Good work. Here we go. Here's Ben.

So impressed. Hi. This is Chloe. How can I help you today? I'm good. I'm going to get a medium black coffee and I'm also going to do a medium coffee, light ice black. An ice coffee?

Yes. Okay. Excuse me. One second. Patron. Put that shit down. Sorry about that. Yeah.

I'm going to do a medium iced coffee black and then a medium black coffee with sugar. Anything else? Nope. It's going to be it. Thank you. Wow. Wow. It's really good.

Really good work. Introducing Patreon to the conversation. Wow. I'm really impressed. Really good, man. Absolutely. Really good. He's up there.

He's chilling. So that's Ben. Really good. I think I'm going to finish that off with Cinnamon Delights, the two pack please for a dollar, mommy. Okay. Anything else? Do you want anything, Hitler?

No. I think we're good to go. Still there. Okay. Do you want to scan the screen? Yep. It looks perfect. Okay.

I love you. Thank you, mommy. How many people are hearing in the background? Hitler. Yeah. And they're like, wait, what did that person just say? I don't. Honestly.

Okay. If you were the person taking the order and somebody was doing this, you wouldn't imagine these things people are saying. Of course. Did you say Hitler? I know. You're just like, oh, they're saying something else. No.

Yeah. Hey, Hitler. Nathaniel. That was Richard. Thanks, Richard. Very well done. Wow. Really good work.

Thank you for calling the Hollywood Improv. We always keep our jeans high and tight. How can I help you? What? No. Hello. Hollywood Improv. How can I help you tonight, Jeans?

No worries. I'm sorry, mommy. That is sold out. Yes. Hi, Jeans. Wow. Hey, Jeans. Thanks for holding up.

I'm going to help you. All right. See you soon, mommy. Bye. Hey, mommy. Thanks for holding up. I'm going to help you. That's fantastic.

Yes. I'm starting at 9.30. You're welcome. Have a good night, Jeans. Thank you for the world-famous Hollywood Improv. We're just glass and how can I help you tonight? We have one 10 o'clock show that's sold out and one that has tickets available. The main room is sold out.

Yes, our jeans. Yeah. Unbelievable. OMG. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. OMG. Oh, my God. Katie. Katie.

Who obviously works at the Hollywood Improv. We got to say hi to Katie. That's unreal. If you buy tickets to my show, by the way, at Melrose, let me see. If you find Katie, I'm going, when am I going? February 17th. Man, I hope she answers a call. If she, if someone named Katie.

I hope somebody goes, she goes like, hi, thanks for calling the Improv, Jeans. Yeah. And then they go, hey, mommy, I want to get to you. Yeah. February 17th. I'm at this club. The Hollywood Improv. Ask for Katie and buy your tickets.

That's so funny. I can't believe it. Yeah. Right on. When we got to say what's up to Katie. Yeah. Thanks, Katie. That is so crazy, dude.

Katie, this is for you. Hey, Henry. So, thanks very much. All right. We roll on. Here is Matthew. Okay. I have a proposal for you.

Can you just give me one minute? All right. Someone here ready. Thank you. Hey, look, can I get just two plain double cheeseburgers to catch up in cheese only? Okay. Yeah. And then I see that you, I'm just glassing up the menu here and I see that you have a

10 piece nugget. Can I get two of those? Yeah. And then a large fry with a large Dr. Pepper. Jesus. But can you do just a little bit of ice? You know what I'm talking about? You feel me?

I mean just a little bit of ice. Okay. And then that is it. Can I have that? I can't see the screen. Can you make sure that thing is high and tight? Terrible speakers. That's it.

Okay. Thanks, Jesus. Unbelievable. Wow. Really good. That was so good. That was really good. Calling them Hitler is a whole new level too.

High and tight. Yeah. People are really, really, you know. I'm just blown away by this. All right. Sorry. I know. I'm always just blown away by the level of talent of our audience.

I know. It's really funny. I can't believe people are so funny. Remember the one you told me about? I think you told me this off the show. You said, you go that you read an email and somebody goes, I want you to know that Tom said that your fart didn't register on the recording. But I want you to know that we hear you.

I know. I know. It was on Instagram. This guy wrote that. I almost died. That's so funny, dude. Incredible. God, they're funny.

Incredible. How did I not have this dropped? God. For earlier. Eat the poo poo. Oh, man. Eat the poo poo. Anyways, here's a mom Australian.

I love international. Hey, James, can I get a family burger box meal, please? Yeah. Was that with just the original burgers and original twisters? No. Can I get all burgers, please? And can I get them hot and spicy as well? Would you like any sauce with that on?

No. Just glass them. Was there anything else? No. Thanks, Sylvie. So this is a family burger box. Yep. So it comes with 25, 95.

Just drive them through. Thanks, mommy. Dude, nobody, it never registered. No, nobody's questioning. Hey, James, can I get a family? I don't know his name. Oh, how funny. Love the international ones.

International is really great. It's so interesting to hear what people are eating. I know. Other places. Dude, that one dude ordered two cheeseburgers. But then he might be ordering for somebody else, right? He's like two cheeseburgers. He had kids in the car.

Not this guy, the guy before. Oh, oh, who knows? Yeah. Oh my gosh. I look like a normal billed guy too. I still can't get over Katie at the improv. Hi, mommy. Can I get a coffee with a blueberry Danish, please?

A blueberry? A coffee with a blueberry Danish? Perfect. Why don't we put in our coffee? Just one milk. Want a real one? Yes, please. That's it?

Yeah, that's all. You can have it. Great. Thanks, James. Oh, English, James. That's so funny. Really funny. Do you see the sense of accomplishment on people's faces?

Of course, I feel good about it. Yeah, of course. You feel so much pride when you get away with it. It's like, it's just, it's a victimless crime. It is. It's so fun though. It just feels right. It does.

God, it's so much fun. Yeah, it is fun. It is fun to do. Hey, Hitler. So. Daniel says. He also shit in the mouth. That's right.

Another person wants you to shit not only in your mouth, but on, not around, but in and inside your mouth. So. I guess I'm laughing this episode. This has been a really jam packed episode. God damn, this is funny. Schnitzel needs to go out. Okay.

She's got to go peachy. She's laying by the door. Hold on. Yeah, she's a little girl. Go ahead. Oh, so funny. The place here that there's dogs around every wall, like every fence or whatever.

The yard split. Yeah. So all the dogs go crazy. Go nuts. Especially in the evening. I know. Super annoying. So this, I thought this is something you'd like to give a shot to.

A lady. Let me get the correct thing here so you know exactly what it is. A lady has decided to live without money for a year. Oh, cool. To reduce her environmental impact. And the narrator has unbelievable vocal fraud. Oh, no. Yeah.

Jo Nemeth leaves off the fruits of her own labor. In fact, it's been one year since she has earned or spent a cent choosing to live without money to lower her impact on the environment. That's a cool documentary. I like to watch. This is my kitchen. She grows all of her own food, cooks it on a fire-powered stove, relies on rainwater and hitchhikes for transport.

Scallions, shards of soap, keep it clean. And used soviets become toilet paper. I don't know about that one. Used soviets, no thanks. Would you want to use your dinner napkin to wipe your ass later? Yes. Then you get food on your butthole. They're the ones, you know, when you go to a cafe,

people you often have like a serviette at the bottom or underneath your cup. You might spill a bit of coffee on it, but actually then it gets thrown in a bin, but it's okay. It's not dirty as such. So I kind of collect those second-hand serviettes and recycle them. She seems like a sweet lady. I could see you being best friends with her. I love this cut.

Yes. I love lunacy like this. I love people that stick it to the man. I love these people that are off the grid or like growing their own food and dumpster diving. I love... I could do this. You could not do this.

In a hundred million years. Yeah. Yeah, no. I could do this. I have too much personality for this. I would say a lack of personality, a lack of tenacity. Sometimes it feels a bit isolating

to me because I'm just a little bit odd. I don't fit what everybody else is doing. I like it. And most of the time that's okay. I can hang out with my friends and it's just like normal, but to live low impact like I am, I really would like to share that with other people who want to do the same thing as me,

who want to live as radically low impact as I am. Why don't you go there for a while? She's Australian. Yeah. I feel like I did this. This is called living your 20s as a comic. Yeah, no shit. We kind of already did this.

I think we've done this lifetime. Maybe we had more of an environmental impact, but not much more. Not much. Been broke. Done it. Some friends like Ms. Nemeth Land in Nimbun in northern New South Wales.

How about that? South Wales is all about how a shack in exchange for working on their orchid. It's bad orchid. Her pride. Yeah, that orchid. It's bad. It's bad.

Yeah, so there you go. It's just like the gaze. Would you, how bad do you think her box smells though? I don't think regularly. She's hygienic, I think. Yeah, okay. I mean, I don't think it smells particularly good, but I don't think it's wretched or anything like that.

How annoying do you think she is to have over at her house? Oh my God. She's like, you guys use pipe of towels, eh? Yeah, we love it. Every time you turn on the sink, she'd be like, all that water going away. He flushed the toilet. Did you brown in there?

No. Why are you flushing? Like everything you do, she would criticize. Are you going to use those serviettes, throwing them in the trash? Oi, mandem. You're going to use that pipe up blood. She's collecting all the fucking dirty napkins

on dinner tables. How many crepes do you have? Yeah, it would be annoying. A nightmare. She's super annoying. How many of these liqueur cans have you used? Do you recycle? Yeah, I know.

We'd be like, yeah, when it's convenient, when do you do it? Come on, man. We're American. We don't want to do recycling. I recycle boxes. We're going to European shit. Come on. All right.

I got to get ready to go, actually. Oh yeah? What do you got to go for? Farm, blood, blood, farm. Going away in the trainers. I am going away in my trainers. Blood, fam, blood, fam, blood, fam. We have a closing song.

Mandem. It's called... Bitsy is terrorizing for you for right now. And just glass and hot mix by Mitchell Davis. Cool. Thank you guys for listening to another episode of your mom's house podcast. I'm the main mom. No.

I'm the personality champ. I'm the water champion. I'm the personality champ. I'm the main mommy. Thank you. You are not. Nobody likes you, but listen. No.

So please continue to support the show. And we can't thank you enough. We'll see you next week. Anything else, Jeans? My face does not get red. There you go. No red faces here. Holy cow.

Holy cow. Holy cow. Holy cow. Holy cow. Holy cow. Holy cow. Holy cow. Holy cow.

That is a waltz. We got it out here. Just glass it. Just glass it. Just glass it. Just glass it. Just glass it. Just glass it.

Just glass it. Just glass it. Just glass it. Just glass it. Just glass it. Just glass it. Just glass it. Just glass it.

Just glass it. Just glass it. Just glass it. Just spoke. Whispering福 소리. Its hard to speak, and I was Strand White speaking. Composed byensedm MATTU

Brian Just glass it. Just glass it. Just glass it. Just glass it. 01:26:46,740 --> 01:26:47,740 Just glass it. Just glass it.

Just glass it. Just glass it. Just glass it. Just glass it. Just glass it. Just glass it. Just glass it. Just glass it.

Just glass it. Just glass it. Just glass it. Just glass it. Just glass it. Just glass it. Just glass it. Just glass it.

Just glass it. Just glass it. Just glass it. Just glass it. Just glass it. Just glass it. Just glass it. Just going to go down right there.

No way. Yes! Just just just. Yes! Yes! Just just glass it. Just glass it. Just glass it

Just glass it. Just glass it. Just glass it. Just glass it. Just glass. Just glass it. Just glass it. Just glass it.

Just glass it. Just glass it. Just glass it. Just glass it. Just glass it. Just glass it. Just glass it. Just glass it.

Yes! Have you ever seen a movie go down that quickly? Quick look. Holy cow. Holy cow. Holy cow is right. Yes! Have you ever seen a movie go down that quickly?

Quick quick quick. Holy cow. Holy cow. Holy cow is right. Just glass. Holy cow. Just glass. Holy cow.

Just glass. Holy cow. Just glass it. Just glass. Just glass. Just glass. Just glass it. Holy cow.

Just glass. Holy cow. Just glass. Holy cow. Just glass. Holy cow. Just glass it. Have you ever seen a movie go down that quickly?

Holy cow.