Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura - 380-Your Mom's House with Christina Pazsitzky and Tom Segura

Episode Date: January 25, 2017

Don't hit me, Mummy! Don't hurt me, mummy! This week Tommy recaps his big celebration trip with Burnt and both pairs of Jeans have a Dental Update. Who do you think has the more perfect smile? Jack Reach Around Two is reviewed. Spoiler Alert: It's a pile of garbage. More emails and more orders of Hey, Mommy....Thanks, Jeans!

that song was everywhere in the 90s yeah everywhere every mall it was always on the video was always on MTV it was such a such an orgy song enigma that is the name of the band yeah if you were a swinger you participated in orgies I bet they played that song all every French person alive has come to that song the whole country orgasms at once played at your eighth grade graduation in France you are an adult now come with us look at your bar mitzvah and it's one of the few songs to make it to make to get I can't talk to make it mainstream that incorporated like a pan flute is not what that was true a pan flute but

also it is without a doubt ultra sexual yeah and they don't have to it's not in the lyrics like you just listen to yeah cuz the lady's coming as she yeah it's heavy breathing sounds like she's like two more thrusts what she's saying in French right really really put a tail on me what are you checking there what's going on drug lord El Chapo has been extradited United States oh snaps did President Obama or elect Trump just text you that no Donny T just text me well he's pretty active on they said he gives out his direct cell phone number to people I bet he does all the national security people are like you can't do

yeah like you can't hear the president now phone he was dummy I think he became president just for the Twitter followers I think he does love Twitter I think yeah a little too much do you think he'll dial it back now that he's the press it's really interesting part of me really hopes he doesn't even though it's easy to critique him for it it's kind of fun yeah that the president is like watching SNL being like SNL sucks yeah they make fun of well it kind of makes me laugh and I think what's absurd though is that he constantly lies yeah like where you remember the ticket thing you were telling me about this morning like 30

people didn't want to go 30 Democrats oh no it's so many takers yeah but that's part of what that's how he's a salesman yeah showman yeah and what he did was he built the Trump brand off of you know basically off of personality yeah he's a reality star and really good at that like that's really good lane so what he's doing is that's an extension of it so like all these I think it's on like 50 house them that's not a good choice the choice you made was better 50 house Dems are not attending the inauguration right so they ask him about it he goes I hope we get their tickets so many people want tickets so many people yeah I we

just I hope we get the ticket yeah so it's just the positive spin thing on a bad which is you know actually a pretty decent approach to be taking well it's a I think that approach in life yeah is a good one it's Barnum and Bailey it's PT Barnum sorry no PT Barnum had the same thing he would create a spectacle to get people to pay attention 100% and it's it's a thing look I hope it I hope it goes well I'm not kidding so do I do hope that these these next four years are good and yeah you know that I don't know there's not much more to say than that but yeah well but it is funny when he's like I did everybody just wants

tickets crazy okay yeah okay buddy he's always saying he's doing better than he is like approval ratings are bullshit everybody like yeah yeah I who knows who knows what's in store more important things to talk about if you don't so many important things but look at this list today I know of notes that I have for today's show there's a lot to go over you ready to get this started of course I've been waiting all day okay and what's wrong with blocking my eyebrows do not scream at me mommy do not hit me mommy what you see mommy don't bring anyone loving to this

welcome welcome to your mom's house with Tom Segura and Christina Pazitzic you're gonna spin you real quick before mommy mommy yeah that was a British one that was a British mommy yeah it's a British mommy baby mommy real quick before I forget I was just picking up I have a tour shirt oh that I picked up it's gonna be on tour with me limited amounts obviously but it is online on our store if you go to

Tom Segura.com and you click on the store it takes you to our our merchandise page we have a bunch of stuff there this one was designed by a really really great artist Dave Glock if you ever did meltdown every week a unique poster was created for the meltdown show like specific for that week it's a lot of work and Dave Glock designed each and every one of them and he did the shirt very cool did the no teeth no entry tour shirt like I said I'll have I'll have a limited amount with me but they will also be for sale on the store that being that nine o'clock show should we talk about that sure I mean well I mean whatever

sure well I'm just thought we should announce at the top of the show why not on the 12th of February we have a nine o'clock show added to your mom's house live in Irvine and we're having special guest Yoshi Obayashi the 7 p.m. is sold out we added the nine and we invited Yoshi to join us so if you want to do both shows we're doing two different shows and I know people are gonna want to know they're super mommy dynamics what did I want to tell you I'm still recovering from 24 hours with burnt yeah you guys did your special fat loss trip together we did Joe Rogan offered and I came through with you know I saw

an opportunity I was looking for something fun to do and you know too often I think you go well do something in like nine months wow yeah and that really really definitely pops someone's ears out just so you know I think new soda yeah I think you know I tried to look for something that was coming up quick anyways I see calves are playing the Warriors it's a rematch of the NBA finals last year so definitely the two biggest you know flagship names football teams in history basketball and then wait a minute has you're gonna throw stones at my burp easily three of the best players in the game if not three of the

best players in the last you know the history of who's who's on the team in the conversation James on the team he's on the calves I know that I must be unconsciously his name is sort of in the you know pop culture right now is that Donald texting you yeah he goes he goes you coming tomorrow I gotta tell him that he's gonna be a real upset but anyways he's on there Kyrie Irving's a cab big deal Steph Curry Kevin Durant had a girl Steph she's on the team she's on the team beautiful beautiful girl beautiful girl pretty girl yeah Durant Thompson Traymond Green anyways a bunch of stars great atmosphere and like

I said a rematch of games of the NBA finals last year so we go up there well first we should start that burnt came over here yeah and his driver hit our fence yeah it's like wait who's drinking then burnt comes in the house with it like a 38 ounce styrofoam cup yeah and I'm like oh I thought he had coffee in it so did I that well let's let's see what time it was it was around 8 a.m. yeah 45 840 actually okay yeah so the normal assumption is that it's coffee yeah but then he walked by me yeah and I caught a whiff yeah and it was vodka yeah and you're like eight o'clock in the morning I go every morning every time I do every

fight are you so gross you ready to wait till you wait till you travel with me so then I got a peek inside keep in mind yeah let's hear about we all do lots and lots of flying we all have our own rituals we all have our own way of doing it so I'm getting a peek inside how the party machine yeah flies weekly right does this every single week twice way there way back right in the house he's drinking right we just first of all can we just talk about morning drinking oh I don't think there's anything more disgusting and anything I could do less than drink alcohol at 8 in the morning I just physically couldn't do it appalling

and I see it all the time cuz I fly always blown away by it yeah anyways we get to the airport he has special status on American Airlines like special special from what I was seeing he's a concierge key concierge key it's invitation only concierge key they invitation oh yeah you don't hit the level they invite you wow so he has so many miles from like probably doing the travel channel show 100% from being a guy and stand up at the same time so geez especially that show because on the show he would do things like hey this week you're flying to Rome come back next week Fiji because it was a

television deal it was always first so you're spending so much money on that so he just racked up the diamond diamond medallion well they just saw like so much money being spent on your account yeah guys for sure baller he has his own entrance that's great wait explain to me how at LAX so yeah you miss it here's here's what you pull up the terminal for you see American uh-huh at the end you see American priority which is okay like like Delta priority I got so sure it's for the elite flyers okay just past that there's red carpet and somebody outside in a gray jacket shut your mouth gloves shut your mouth and that's where

he pulls up now does every airline do this no I looked into it I figured you would yeah American has it United has United global services which is invitation only Delta right now has me there's obviously their diamond status yeah those have Delta one which is if you're flying LAX to JFK or LAX to London Direct or maybe one other place that has its own entrance which is its own thing so it has its own land isn't this wild like I feel like this is the special restaurant at Disneyland that you can drink alcohol at only like five people not fucking love this shit of course you do you're very elitist yeah

and love and yes you love everything elitist everything that separates you from the masses wow the scum of the earth oh my god you love it you do love feeling special it's you look at the smile on your face right now yeah well I was just thinking about my personality okay well the personality champ wouldn't see themselves it's better than everyone yeah you're making me feel I don't know you know you hit me mommy yeah I just got a hole on hoist up my sloths so I do but I I think part of like as far as air travel I talked about this with burnt is that is that part of it is that we fly so much that anything that makes you

you feel special yeah and cuts down yes shitty part of travel is the it's not so much that like oh get out of my face no and I joke half yeah when I say that you enjoy elitism yeah because it does half half yeah you like you like nice things but it does um take the sting and this nice thing not like you like I I like I like them when they happen but only because you make them happen and then I flog myself with eastern block guilt that like should I enjoy this do I deserve this like I can't just enjoy nice things so um you go there there's a guy in the glove yeah it's very hold your hand first you walk

in so there's a there's a counter there and they just check you in right you know even though you can be we were pre-checked in they check you in and print out a ticket give you the idea but they give it to the guy and then the guy the gray coat guy your coatman he takes us in an elevator a secret elevator or the commoners elevator shut up there's a secret elevator yeah at lax well it's just in the america terminal that no it's from that that specific terminal to wait here's the best part to the security level uh-huh walks you in front of everybody oh it's the best they they sign off on it then he walks you to the security counter and and he puts your bags on god damn it and he offers to

walk you to the gate doesn't this blow your mind that there exists I didn't know existed yeah and that this they invited burnt oh here's the other part about it so god damn it so of course we go so first thing we do is we go to the american club room right the uh you know like the diners club or yeah you know you see those the lounge the lounge yeah yeah we walk in as we enter the bar area they go bird like that like cheers yeah they know the bartender's like bird he doesn't vodka and he's like make it two so so how what's the drink out but what's the drink out whatever he had before which I would say is two before he got because that thing is that rowdy yeah uh then he has two at that bar yeah oh so it sounds that we're flying for san francisco we're flying out of the remote

terminal what you have to get on the shuttle yeah and that's for commoners though the shuttle right so bart tells the lady he's like oh god can you guys ride and they're like okay and the lady comes over when we're at the bar and she's like i'm sorry this this and that but we you know i'm sorry and he goes no problem but as we're leaving another lady goes mr christier we were able to accommodate so and so is waiting so as we're leaving the lounge another lady goes uh oh um you're you know mr christler can I he follow me then she opens the door and we walk down the tarmac and we go into a Cadillac and they drive a Cadillac they drive us to the remote terminal then we oh we another couple drinks at that bar because a separate bar there at the terminal

at by the plane no it's a separate uh terminal so like we were at terminal four but we're flying out of terminal six right right so sorry so you're in the new lounge yeah and there's more drinks to be had double more drinks what's the drink count for you versus burt well i've had one at the first lounge but it's nine o'clock in the morning or something what did you have vodka soda yeah how did it feel really you know the first one is like it's like it just feels like this isn't good but right you know i was also i also approached it with like today's a fun day yeah i'm gonna do whatever i'm with burt i'm just gonna do whatever so he's like are you starting nursing that thing like like like he's like a college kid right yeah so as we're leaving

that birds i tip the guy i tip the guy yeah and uh i think most people don't tip or something he was like thanks man he goes hey do you want a couple to go as i'm saying like i'm good birds like don't be fucking great so the guy makes us two to go in a coffee cup hands it to us and birds like this birds in heaven yeah we board with our coffee cups with vodka sodas wait i i i fucking nursed up when i think for the whole flight he finishes it has a couple more so now he's up to like six or something anyways so much yeah it would lay me out i would go to the hospital if i drink safe we land we go to the hotel we have lunch vodka sodas for lunch with food obviously this time and then i go like i need it like let's just take a chill pill till

time to leave for the game we do that we go to the game the game ends up being a complete fucking blowout like what does that mean uh like i was like i wanted to see a really competitive game oh because of two great teams right but golden state oakland basically destroyed cleave well i think i saw this on uh like social media people yeah oh my god it was a total blow but it was still really fun we had amazing seats that rogan hooked up that's so nice fourth row just absolutely you know we got to see like these legendary players input like fucking right there playing we had a lot of fun had a lot of laughs and then from there we went oh we go back to the hotel as we're getting back in the car he goes i just hit my second wind and i go my wind is dead

i need to lay down yeah because even at the game i didn't drink anything at the game he didn't either did he actually really no but we smoked a little before okay so then well thank god i thought for a minute you guys were sober for an hour no no no but he's like i just hit my second wind i don't even know how that's possible but so he goes to the bar and i go to the room and i lay in the room with the lights off for like an hour maybe an hour and a half i go down then we go to dinner we go to the house of prime rib his a friend of his set it up a chef which is like a legendary place in ss it's really fun it's hard to get in there really fun um we have this great meal we eat we go off the rails you know we're off the diets and everything and i honestly it didn't

feel as good as i thought it was going to feel to go off the diet because it was too much food yeah like it was just enormous portions yeah i mean it should taste good don't get me wrong but afterwards you're like oh my god yeah because when you're used to not eating to the point of being disgustingly full anymore i know it's destructive don't get me wrong it was a familiar feeling i've done it many times but we were just completely stuffed um then we go back he rates his mini bar um we smoke cigars out on the balcony and then this is the best part so the next morning we get uh we get picked up we go to the airport immediately we go to the lounge and he's like uh vaca soda to the guy he's like tom i go i'm having coffee because like i'm already like

i need i can tell i need a full day to get over yeah his craziness and like his normal way of traveling yeah dude it's right back he's not he's right back into partings what you're saying yeah but not even partying yeah just like let's get on a plane so he's so resilient yeah by the time we land in la right before noon he's eight deep wow and totally normal we'll see that's the interesting part about barn christ lord yeah is that drinking doesn't change him no it's so weird he's cracking jokes he's the best yeah he's he's just like having fun because that's that's the part of this whole thing that you're like well is it so bad two hours later i still don't feel good well now you're sick now you're coming down with the cold but uh it doesn't it just makes him he's already an awesome

dude like he's so sweet and fun and lovable and then he drinks and he gets more sweet and yeah and lovable it becomes more fun never morose never sullen never angry no he's just like party red yeah it's it's really really that's so weird um i don't know he plays he always plays uh what's it called he always plays music in his videos that he posts so i can't really but like this is us going oh right look how different he looks with no beard i know look he looks like a younger man actually that's us you guys look great yeah we're just oh there's okay um so yeah this is look at tommy you look great this is us going down that's crazy look how good you look jeans look good look how skinny your face you look fantastic look how good you look it's definitely

it's better than uh three months ago better than they used to be there's about it than they used to be i don't know if i have soda is that the girl you guys banged we double teamed that girl on the tarmac did you guys put her in the hammock we put her in the in the fucking you know the best is that you and i went to the dentist yeah and we did it the day you landed and what did bert say to you about going to the dentist he oh i go oh my god this is the best so we're in we're in uh this is on the morning on the way back i go i gotta go to the dentist today he goes are you serious right now oh my gosh look how many people are there i know that's crazy he's like are you fucking serious and i go yeah he goes sometimes i think i know you

and i don't know you at all and i go what are you talking about because you take care of your teeth no because i'm going to the dentist yeah and i go okay why and he goes like a bird i took a picture of him stoned i took a picture that's a couple of skinny bears yeah you guys holding yeah holding hands guess who those belong to yeah well i asked if you guys were going to share a room and then share a bed yeah and he said you're going to do the s where one guy stays on top of the sheet one guy stays on that it's pretty funny so he goes i don't even know you what are you what's happening here babe that's Bert look at his junk hang out by the way a lot of people take that picture no he took the picture himself how he put it on the self timer thing oh i gotta

learn how to do that that's really funny so i know everybody that's like wow it's quite a weekend quite a night guys so i go why do you not know me he's like we're traveling today i would never go i would never do anything like that i would never go to a doctor if i travel i don't do anything and then like 30 seconds later he's like we'll go to baton papa's podcast today and then later on these other guys are coming over to podcast we'll go so you are doing things today yeah but not a doctor's appointment there you go okay so then i was that he goes one was the last one he went to the dentist he goes actually pretty bad it's probably like it's over a year for sure he's like oh you want to know last time i went to the dentist like i went yes i don't know three years at least

10 years oh my god really and he listens to the show i know gosh he should know better leon we got to get on leon yeah uh do we have the dental update theme song anymore of course but you just you just screwed up you know why because you brought it up without letting me fucking prep that song you know oh my god you get you do it all the time you know how this works how do i not know i told you i told you i had a topic rundown and i told you we were gonna do dental updates you don't you don't care you're so grouchy today it's because you're not feeling well i know i know genes but you just we got to get through it you'll be okay i know i know i'm setting this right now is it because jack reacher was such a good movie last night i'm honestly

blown away at what happened okay we have to discuss the jack reacher sequel after we do our dental updates uh because i tapped out about 30 minutes in it's it was really special it is un fucking believable what happened um can i should i read an email while you're looking for the um dental update music no oh how long is it gonna take you oh god you're so grouchy tonight so fucking horrible all right oh god that's it okay good i'm so excited so uh that's our dental update music you know we haven't had a dental update in a long time well we correctly vlogged ourselves because we kept reading them and we've been talking about a lot

how we haven't been in a while we really haven't over a long time well it's yeah a year yes a year for me almost i think a little more for a little over a year anyways we went again and we took turn we went back to back well we got a recommendation for a new dentist yeah because we moved you guys have to go and i gotta tell you i'm jumping ahead but there's nothing like that post cleaning it's so clean now still and you have to spend money on the preventative end so that you don't end up spending ten thousand dollars when it's that's right you know gum grafts and uh whatever no canals and crap don't do that no dental insurance yeah we had a pocket was two hundred dollars for both of us to get our fruits our fooves cleaned you gotta do it i mean dude my so

go ahead go ahead you went first so go ahead well i went first because we went back to back yeah and he tells me because this is the first time we've been to the dentist so they do a full exam they check your gums for they check your mouth for mouth cancer they check your your gums for bleediness health the healthfulness of your gums yeah and so the assistant takes down numbers and he says anything one two or three is considered normal and they go through every single gum area and all i heard all i heard was one one one one one two two two one one one one one maybe like two threes around my crowns that's not my fault yeah and he did the cleaning it was so quick for me you know i just laid down it was done yeah and then i i asked him i asked him

would you marry your mom and i say and he and i don't know and i asked him i go in all seriousness if you had to grade my teeth the condition of my mouth today what would you give me as a letter grade and he kind of chuckled and he said a did he really he did he gave me an a now i lied to you and i said a plus i was joking but he did give me an a and he goes you very little plaque he goes like no stains and fuck my stoma teeth look like they're in great condition i said thank you you know why because i floss every day and he said i can tell he said that he said i can tell now here's the one thing that sucks i'm gonna have to redo one of the crowns that i have oh that doesn't sound like an a no it's not my fault that's because the dentist that did it the first time yeah he

didn't line it up properly on the gum line and i'm having food caught in it and that can be infected even though that's been root canaled i have to replace the crown so that it's flush with the sounds other teeth not my fault well it sounds like a made-up story it's not a made-up story it's sounds made i think people listening are like well that sounds like a made-up story why would i make that up hey you have an a also you need a lot of work done i didn't say a lot i said one crown replaced that's through no fault of my own faulty nobody says a faulty crown hey how would you grade this house that i built and they go i would say it's an a now we're gonna need to tear down that foundation do you want to call a doctor right now and ask him what my letter grade was uh no let's

call him right now i don't want he said a and then you got in the chair and i said i'm gonna apologize for my husband in advance because he's got filthy dog teeth that need cleaning that doesn't seem like a cool thing so what was your experience like in the chair tom go right away um first of all i like that they got down a business right away there was very little waiting sometimes it's like this lag oh he's just with someone else i hate that oh my god i hate that he he got right on it he got to i forgot like first he does the the drill where they just clean in between and then the second part is the whoa i got a totally different treatment because i my teeth weren't covered in plaque yeah well anyways my teeth were like a little sensitive and i was like

that's filth and uh afterwards i go i feel like my teeth were more sensitive it goes i really cranked it up for you and i go okay and i said um yeah if you had to marry your mom now i said what would uh yeah what would you grade mine no you did not ask him yeah and he goes easily a plus plus lies he goes why are you lying he said in a generation i've never seen better teeth that's what he said okay you know what i don't think he did because i was there and i could overhear what you guys were saying and i didn't hear that yeah he did he said that no he didn't he said in all my time i've never seen a better set of teeth how much did your gums bleed during your cleaning none are you sure i'm positive they do look so much wider right now like smile

miss that one very good yeah they're really nice can i tell you something stupid that i've been doing yeah that you and i have been doing together that i just it just occurred to me how dumb so every every day you and i have this routine where we go to bar stocks yeah in the afternoon and i get an iced tall americano with a splash of half and half yeah well i do it because i figure it's a cold drink and i can drink through a straw and the straw will protect my veneers from getting stained with coffee right because i think like rachel zoe does that or something yeah but what i didn't really put together for the last two months every time i drink that drink it hurts my stomach so bad like it hurts so bad and it's too strong a coffee and it makes me angry and anxious and i

get like really really fucking crazy on it this reminds me of not having an outlet for to plug right exactly exactly it's like i i keep drinking it i know it hurts isn't it amazing and then why don't i just order something else i would do that for years too for years what is that but why why do we do this to ourselves it just shows you how our brains work it's like it's an auto thing this is my drink this is what i order right uh yeah right it keeps hurting and then i keep doing it because the thing is when i order a hot drink it doesn't hurt my stomach yeah it doesn't give me that so what i should be doing is ordering a hot drink and just drinking with a straw yeah hello i'm broad

yeah i think so if it's especially if it's affecting your stomach it hurts so much and i always just like chalk it up to like well that's coffee that's coffee for you i guess it just hurts your stomach i love it what have you done that with besides the outlets remember for the longest time we only had like one iphone charger in the house yeah and we're like wait we can buy two now i buy them weekly why not in my bag why wouldn't you just have them around the house all the time right there right yeah of course because you just lose them oh my god just buy a few um yeah i i've done that with a lot of things like i don't like the way that tastes and ordered again we know one time the worst one

i ever did was i don't think you remember this so funny we went to a family dinner in florida i think we were visiting yeah went to some italian place which wasn't the norm for us oh yeah your dad hates italian food i know well i ordered a soup which i don't normally do yeah and i took a bite and i'm not i'm not exaggerating when i say this it tasted like vomit it tasted like wait i remember this restaurant i remember i remember smelling it it's like and it's like when you taste vomit on the way up i remember and you know what i did i had a second bite yeah it's like i didn't trust my own reaction to it right right and then as i was about to take a third bite what are you doing i go i call i go what is this oh that's the blah blah blah soup

and i go this is horrible horrible i was like oh excuse me like i was like i don't think you understand what type of horror i'm talking i i really thought somebody vomited into a bowl and i remember the soup because you had me smell it and you know my sensitivity to vomit i go that's terrible that is vomit in a bowl it tasted and smelled like and it was served to us in a restaurant but i'm talking about like long term like right now the toothpaste the aqua fresh that i ordered on amazon it's not the right one but because i ordered like six tubes i keep i just insist on using it i hate that fucking whatever you got and i hate the taste too and i keep using it like i'll just power through it like i should just throw it away it's ten dollars or the toothpaste it's unreal the immigrant and me

doesn't want to like give in you know of course or maybe it's the immigrant thing oh god oh my god nothing i'll never forget that fucking thing the vomit soup i remember and i remember that night yeah pretty bad by the way you did not get an a on your teeth and i know you got a d minus thank you i asked them will you ever date your mom you know what's funny about that clip the audience doesn't think it's funny i don't think that's true we never got much feedback on ask them when you marry me you think it just bothered some people right i think my feeling is because the feedback is pretty strong on all our bits like zero feedback on this one it's just like the gays but i do get that written in a lot of things i post it's just can i hear her again i

asked him asked him will you ever date your mom so weird once in a while he calls me mom you know what i mean yeah i know what you mean here's a real case those are real kids those are real kids he loves his company somebody else that wasn't the same clip so let me get to this mommy lady today you want to see this yeah so apparently what's happening here is that the lady recording is in a parking lot um and she she is has a child in the back i guess the other lady who you see who you heard in the opening yeah calls her and is like you know calling her attention yeah and then accuses her of abusing the kid because she's tweezing her eyebrows while driving but i mean everything leads you to believe that the lady tweezing her eyebrows is not doing anything

wrong because that's her would you date your mom this lady is just out of her fucking mind yeah probably yeah it's usually how it goes yeah on this show at my son's soccer game it's a cute dog in this crazy stop so i'm sitting here stop mommy at my son's soccer game in this crazy ass lady is yelling at me because i was plucking my eyebrows do not scream at me mommy i am an advocate for children okay and what's wrong with plucking my eyebrows do not scream at me mommy do not hit me mommy what you see mommy what are you talking about yeah it's like she just pulls it out of nowhere yeah it's out of her fucking mind you know what i always think about when i see something like like for instance this clip that that lady can drive

yeah and she has a cute dog yeah but the driving part well what about endangering your dog you dumb bitch i never drive with my dogs on my lap who are you yeah who are you who are you i am child to the advocacy program uh-huh that's very made up right and what's your deal with me do not abuse your children because i sat here waiting on my son's soccer game plucking my eyebrows no because you hit him i hit my son and you hit her and you screamed at her really i hit my kids that's right jordan do i hit you did i sit here and hit you say yes no i was plucking my eyebrows lady oh my god and you see that she's like oh my god jeez so she's like totally gaslighting her too you know yeah yeah that's crazy that somebody would say that about you realize that anybody

says that too everybody else starts off believing them well it's a pretty serious accusation that's what i'm saying jesus it's like a if you make a rape accusation people don't you know the immediate thought is like oh that person's a rapist you know not like really well even yeah you're right just the stink of the accusation yes yeah can take you down so this lady's like you beat your children i mean if people hear that they go hey are you hitting your kid that's crazy that's crazy i don't care what your circumstance is i don't care how your baby daddy and you work it out my baby dad hit the children i mean it's really a totally lunatic person yeah probably ask them will you ever date your mom my may no kidding you say you may not look at this she's calling her children

she thinks i hit my kid because all of a sudden you're plucking my eyebrows hit your children who said i hit my kids may not hit your children it's so fucking crazy it's like a someone who's delusional just could be uh she could be drunk oh right i don't know mental illness yeah it could be a many things going on but i like that she calls her mummy i like that so maybe she saw her plucking an eyebrow was like she's hitting her children maybe maybe she had a few yeah she sees what she will i could hear it sounds like there could be some booze in that absolutely it's a little slurry yeah you know what this reminds me of i'm beginning to doubt your commitment to sparkle motion

she's that type right yeah that in donnie darko yes she's the you know the big child advocate the absolutely the dance mom oh my god now that was an english accent and i wanted to um last week we did the roadman accent yes and we i asked what is i asked them what a roadman asked them i asked them will you ever date your mom yeah so roadman is the uk equivalent of homies from the hood in the us the reason they call them roadman is because in london slang to be in the area slash hood slash on the street they say are you on road it has only recently become a popular term in the last few years because of uk hip hop and grime music cockney has almost but disappeared from london and has been replaced by roadman dialect very interesting very interesting another

person explains ben from england predominantly a london phrase described usually a young male who dresses in track suits and trainers never high in tight jeans usually found patrolling his local neighborhood being involved in the illegal activity usually connected to drug dealing closely related to london rap grime culture keep it glassy ben glassy i like that's funny well there you go there you go um so much more here you recall a few weeks ago we had remember the the guy who taught you how to do a threesome the charlatan now that fucking guy yeah with the fucking thumb rings and the ponytail he now has his twin goddesses how to hug clips oh boy he put out how to hug first of all you know that you didn't see those two girls last time yeah they're laying

on their backs i thought they're a couple of dogs probably they're way more attractive than i don't i didn't think they were dogs i thought they're cute really how could you tell well i could just see you can see their face you couldn't see their face between goddess activations yeah i thought i did no no faces well i guess you were really paying attention to that they're way cuter you can see who texas through the thing i see the texas i hate this can i say can i say something this thing drives me nuts yeah what when the fuck did this heart with your hand things start and it's so fucking lame yeah and it makes me cringe whenever i see some dumb dumb do it you know that stupid commercial gotta hate it or they like like they make that shitty jewelry

and they go like yes one side open so that your heart lets love and yeah it's like a heart design that one irritates me every kiss begins okay is that the one where the celebrity designs the heart jewelry she's like not case but yeah the open yeah yeah yeah one side yes yeah you love into your fucking dumb but the heart with the hand thing i'm so over it yeah okay but these girls are pretty no no no hold on the one on the left is and you can see her nip nips or her tits are fake huge fakers big fakers yeah but i mean she's pretty the other one hotter than the one on the right do you think she's pretty though pretty yeah the one on the left so much prettier yeah now the one in the middle he is such a fucking douchebag fucking the fuck is he wearing i know such a

dude she's got all his bracelets you have any more sheer clothing and any more gold jewelry on it's the bangles that on a man oh bangle bracelets really make me want to vomit i mean i hope that there's a lot of drugs involved in all their choices yeah so we're going to start by facing your partner rounding your feet into the earth what oh boy and on each other's uh waste this is called the hold so you're going to be holding each other holding your eye contact looking into the person's left eye which is the receiving the feminine side okay sending your partner messages of love saying thank you for being here thank you for this thing i see you i love you i'm so grateful for you this is such fucking for a lot yeah yeah and first of all anybody approaches you and hugs

you like that i mean they're hands on your hips are you out of your mind yeah it's the trump hug that's how he hugs his girl his daughter then the next step after the service yeah he hugs yvanka so they're going to do a third eye kiss which is no please don't stop it they're going to do this at least three times and i would suggest a minute look they're taking deep breaths together with their eyes i think god shouldn't they say this is how you should hug uh an intimate lover not just this isn't for your lover i don't know oh i think it is saying how to hug you gotta feed those tiddies by the way somebody just emailed us asking what do you call small sloppers because they say that they enjoy our big slopper term so what would you call a pair of high and tights like this

oh those are hungry tits hungry tits yeah they're hungry because they need to be fed you gotta keep giving spoonfuls to those tiddies they keep keep gaining some weight yeah can i tell you something if you were this passionate with me we wouldn't last of course like it's so uncomfortable well so the thing about this this level of passion doesn't last with anyone it's all about that nre that any relationship yeah you can't stay like this with someone for years it's absurd and i i feel like maybe you could manufacture it like they do on this show yeah on the polyamory show yeah babe because what he's actually excited about is that he ends up fucking somebody else of course it was awesome it was like yeah he would fuck somebody else of course yeah so the haw in a low haw in

ancient Hawaiian traditions this is how they would say hello they would bow third eyes and they would say hello god the sound is so annoying but do you see um how they're saying hello it's not like lover i can't take it you're supposed to agree to stranger like that god i can't take i just want to see how much more inappropriate it gets that's the only thing i want to see because this is not so they're literally sharing the breath of life connecting third eye so the next step is called the hug so that was just that was the pre-hug that was the prep the build up hands on the hips to deep eye contact i love you i'm grateful for you i'm going to hold each other in a deep connected deep hold holding holding grinding the penis they're going to embrace here and

just relax and ease into that hug we're going to hold here so what's wrong with these people i remember in high school that one kid i won't say his name every every high school had that kid that hugged girls too long yeah yeah yeah yeah and it's the guy whose job it is to be the hugger like the what was yours named john too uh yeah it was like this kid it was always you could always see him like that dude's always hugging a chick he was always giving shoulder rubs he's a guy that likes to cuddle yes i know giving those no just cuddle come let's just cuddle come over come what do you think's going on with these types always giving a meaningful hug yeah what but what is the deal with people this type of personality that has to do everything meaningfully that like is is that

healthier are they healthier than us is what i'm trying to say because i'm uncomfortable with that intimacy i don't like that from a dude's perspective of a dude i think it's always a guy just trying to get laid i think for for a girl sometimes people are always looking for an identity and it like you can be the identity of the meaningful spiritual i got a lot of love to give i have a lot of love to receive you know it becomes a lane a personality lane like that's who i am and that's my thing and then sometimes you see that person and maybe it does kind of affect your day you know it could be pot i think from a woman it could be positive like like i've met like it's very healing for a woman to be like yeah a woman like that guys like that i'm like

all right it's dumb bag yes sure see i go to i i see this massage therapist lady who's really talented and really good at what she does but sometimes her sincerity makes me really uncomfortable sure and that level of like a part of it's because you're an elitist and what happens is what happens now that's untrue what happens is though you're you're actually in a an n re no you're in a you're in a um a particular relationship that you it's unspoken but it's understood when you go there see and what happens is when someone gets real sincere they're kind of the massage well you know they're kind of breaking the protocol of that dynamic all right right you're there to be basically taken care of right and there's an exchange

and you know there's an agreement you you're paying for services yeah the person's supposed to not be like you're technically your friend you shaman they're they're taking care of you so they become really sincere it starts to break down the the yeah you're right all of you're right oh are you the you're right person taking care like i pay you money just to give me a nice back rub and then say things like how you having a wonderful day well because she i don't like it like you know i'm gonna touch her heart chakra and you don't like that no really i thought you would like that no it makes me crazy uncomfortable no i like psychic things i like when she's like i like when she's like so i don't know if this means anything to you but i had this energy of

wilma flinstone i swear to god she said that to me last time that i don't know why does wilma flinstone mean anything to you and i go no like i like that stuff but i don't like chakra touches i don't like healing touches i just makes me like but you've had that person before right who gives the long meaningful hug the soul hug oh yeah it's so uncomfortable yeah it is it is i'm not into it i'm not into it either i do like a hug yeah i like hugs i like greeting people and saying bio likes i just don't like the super intimate hug yeah like like a hippie hug that's what hippies do i hate it too much yeah too much it's not comfortable you can greet me with a hug though i like yeah i know i do too i'm a hugger but i'm not like a soul hugger like these people are like

this is absurd meaningful hugs yeah 100 this dude is not hugging from the heart he's hugging from his hips right now it's bono it's a bono this is one of the ways that you can get high on your own supply which is another one of the workshops that i teach how to get high naturally this is one of the way to get high on your own supply so now this is you know what she just fucking said now i realized too this is more about even money because that's another workshop i teach you know oh boy so after that you're going to separate the oil can be hard you're going to look at each other put your hands to your heart activate some energy hands you're going to bow to each other what was that like for you oh yeah what was the hug like well i know that was like a super frequent hug i'm i'm leaking a

little bit and then uh what about you so it didn't go super deep but oh and a big tit hug like that from her yeah you're not noticing those big tits i'm mashing her mushy purples up against him here's my favorite move from a guy yeah oh yeah swinging his hair he has to say his hair he when he does this oh that fake like yes yes i'm so earnest and sincere yes i'm so spirit god yeah the women are sincere the guy is just getting laid and the as a totally there's a special type of guy who's always looking for an opening in a girl like for the girls that are like that like he's like i'm totally in hugs super vulnerable totally into yeah i'm like the soul and then the that girl's like oh really that's awesome yeah you should come do this and then

he's making the next video some finger in these two girls and workshops that's a load of horseshit too yeah am i loves his company get high on your natural supply come pay six hundred dollars to sit through my fucking workshop yeah that's a big racket that workshops absolute fucking nonsense that's what that is just go see a shrink go pay a shrink telling you a lot more effective go straight to the source a vocal fry clip came oh i love those let's see i haven't actually seen this one let's see let me see here okay what's up what's up i'm just terrified i'm going down opening but i'm not gonna fall down that's not me as you that is not my voice that's not my voice what do you mean it's not your voice because i know

my own voice from when i was 20 this was submitted they said yeah but that's an oh that's an over voice over it's not me let's listen to it again that's me i was sick that day by the way i'm just terrified i'm going down opening but i'm not gonna fall down and die that is not me okay so what happened there the dogs think it's you quiet hey if okay if that is me it's because i was sick with a fever when i was doing that and maybe if that is me we don't even know that's you that's not my voice though please hey now i'm not cool it cool it that is not me you're the worst you know that you're the worst why am i the worst that's not mate that's not my voice sounds like you it's not my voice i don't recognize my own voice when i was terrified i'm going down opening but

i'm not gonna that's not me that girl has like an england i'm terrified so they laid the audio over yes that's not me they can't be i think it's you and you're sick i'm terrified i think why do i sound english i'm terrified okay just terrified i'm going down opening but i'm not gonna fall down and die it's not me fine fine i don't think it is so you're not convinced it's not even i don't remember it's 20 years ago now but it doesn't sound like gene gene that's my favorite but you know everyone else keeps remembering to call me that i love it i know i see all the tabs we're like gene gene needs to do this i forgot that guy called me that so funny so last night we're in bed and we just want to like chill out watch something you know kind of easy not

not too involved yeah because we're we got into dark mirror black mirror yeah but then then you're fucking bummed out when you go to sleep it's negative i don't like that i gotta tell you something he's really turned a corner with with the level of movie with this one jack may offer jack who's is in jack reacher two and we saw jack reacher one i think in theaters yeah and it's your it's your like no not at all it's a good you know semi big budget we'll say because the budgets get so crazy now but you know full budget production of an action movie and it has decent storyline good actors good action like well done film where you're like you know that was a nice time at the movie and it's kind of neat that they named it jack reacher so everybody can

call it jack reach around jack reach around which uh this one i should point out is called jack reach around to i'm i'm reaching back so in this one see in the first one he gives front reach arounds and in this and rat jack reacher two he reaches back and he jacks off guys behind him which is like a big turn different yeah i gotta tell you this movie is such a piece of shit i mean it's so bad on so many levels i know the story is terrible horrendous there's terrible writing terrible directing the actors you know what it was it seemed like because it's a time production and i know he had something a few years ago where uh you know him and seven the redstone and paramount got in this whole thing and he got this whole you know

this this whole uh you know back and forth of we're not going to produce tom cruise movies anymore it's like all in the Scientology craze okay anyways so you see during the opening clips that um that it's it says you know a tom cruise production and when you're watching this movie you can't help but notice like are the it's almost like they said hey if we want to get these uh this list of actors it's going to add a million dollars to the bottom line and then tom cruise was like hey what if we um spent thirty thousand dollars on it it's like so many bad actors well that's what i noticed the first five minutes i turn to you and i go they're acting like you can tell yeah there's so much acting going on big acting faces and like yeah it was like what what did you say

it's hard to put a finger on it but you know if you watch let's say one of those seagull movies one of those seagull like recent ones yeah where it's clearly a low budget ultimate kick edge you see low budget actors this movie is full of those like bad actors the writing there's like there's there's no nothing is plausible nothing's believable no nothing makes sense no when he confronts a guy no for like i'm sorry spoiler alert we're going to ruin the fucking piece of ship movie for you but for instance you know he confronts the his friend's attorney that's been hired and he's like you know do you even give a shit whatever uh meet me there tomorrow and then they don't give you like the guy sees tom cruise is like why are you telling me this but then follows through with his

orders even though he's not even another position of power right like there's no like or what right there's no rapport there's no there's no like i have blackmail stuff right there's nothing there's no stakes there's no stakes there's no my favorite the girl doesn't question really who he is and what he's doing an hour into the show she's like wait who are you and she's been traveling with him all right none of it makes sense my favorite is he breaks into um military police prison no he gets arrested he gets arrested and then breaks out of it and also there is one part that i this is where i tapped out is when um he goes you can't arrest me i'm a civilian now i'm not i used to be a major and he says about 500 times in the first 50 minutes i used to be a major i'm not and

they go really well did you read code 10.5 t of the seven h henry and you're like that's it that's why you got him like you got a code and that's that's compelling for the audience like what there's just one part where he so one of the captains let's say is bad the army they go to his house and they're like give us give us that file and the guy has it in his trash can on his laptop so tom cruise puts him in a like in a grip and he's like give us the code and the guy's like ah 10.72 and then they type in 10.72 and it's correct and they're like thanks and they leave like there's no those scenes are are supposed to be like you know a dramatic build-up and then guys supposed to resist and that's how you build the tension of like oh what's gonna happen here

well and i think the biggest thing that they didn't address in this film is when does he masturbate they don't talk about masturbating another thing i should tell you one hour into the film where you're like i'm gonna fucking blow my brains out and how bad this is seriously an hour into the film this is such a bad and they haven't even shown him taking a shit probably not just that i hit the pause button to see how much time is left one hour it's a two hour piece of shit that's even like most action movies that suck 90 minutes tops you know usually a little under that because they're like we're just giving you fluff here they make a two hour turd yeah jack reacher reaching for turds because it's such a shit

fucking but i mean i want to see if this trailer is as bad as the movie is trailers can be very misleading yeah that's their job yeah well actually and he might but we should say marry your mom oh john wick too i can't wait to see that and train spotting twos coming out i'm super excited to be fair he might jerk off in the second hour of the movie oh i'm saying we don't know what happened okay i have to break up how bad it is into two parts well we we own it because we bought it all night so maybe tonight we can do part two you you're gonna have to catch me up to speed because i tapped out i don't think i should do that i think you should watch it i think you should his the goons that they hired like they're wearing sunglasses yeah the bad guys with that

hand guys yeah it's really bad man let's see yeah this is the best this is the best i love this one guy took them all down with his bare hands oh yeah he's still in there turn around mister let me see your hands slowly okay aggravated assault is a felony in this state mr mr process and then get him to hire first thing yeah weird two things are gonna happen in the next 90 seconds excuse me excuse me first that phone over there's gonna ring second you're gonna be wearing these cuffs on your way to prison oh mommy no that is one

magnificent prophecy mr reacher what whoa see it's not a bad trailer a minute so far you're like all right the acting acting thanks for tipping us off not tom cruise tom cruise is right coming to dc i move around a lot by the way so that exchange right there was thanks for tipping us off when you come into dc it's like that's their first time speaking right and she's and you're like okay he tipped off what but he's not in the army he just he knew about a crooked sheriff well and why can't they just go to the sheriff's office and arrest him why do they have to set up that whole cafeteria thing i don't know it was so weird they set that up thanks for coming to dc um 48 hours later he's like there she's been arrested he's like i gotta get her out

he's never even never met her before i know now i will say tom cruise who has looked amaze for the last 50 years i think his face is finally sliding off turning the corner yeah yeah and i thought he got braces didn't you have braces yeah a while ago yeah but they look crooked again they do i look and i he's an incredible shape i think the guy looks like a what is it brick shithouse well it's not how i would describe him but yeah okay you know he's in amaze shape yeah but the face is starting to slide down it's riding off he's got to be 50 something he's not he's there's a scene in the film he's too old to be an action guy you know what i mean he refuses to accept that i know he's too old for this shit let me tell you because he doesn't do mission impossible

anymore does he do those movie no yeah they they just did one a little while with him yeah he's oldest fuck now i don't know that he's oldest fuck he looks at he's 54 um in the film there's one scene where they're fugitives and the guy's like male uh caucasian male 40s sucker that's definitely yeah he's like just put that in the it could be our television because we have a high def tv and i do notice you look way worser on that high def boy yeah very unforgiving high definition television uh boy oh boy i watch that new bridget jones's baby she looked fucking rough too yeah yeah at the really she had like a lot of work done right she did and then she denied it i think and that that's you know i don't know why people deny so check this out

having the work just say you did it who cares mission impossible was 96 uh huh mission great movie excellent love those movies two came out in 2000 three came out no six wow four came out in 2011 five came out in 2015 and six is coming out in 2018 i love those movies i'll watch them they're a lot of fun but this pilot dog shit let's get back to it and he made it you should folks wonder why you left purple heart silver star purple mushy's in the dust people say you made it with someone's honey jack richard for major turn major turner has been arrested on what charge that's beyond us he's been set up how much does reader know as he goes there's a bad guy's with bad glasses on i don't like being followed you think you're vulnerable that's right so far

though the trailer is way better than the film yeah and i remember we watched this trailer and we were debating on which dumb thing to watch other night and you go oh well that's definitely dumb yeah so let's put that on the back burner for later like this isn't it's a great trailer yeah the trailer is good here's the other thing the pacing action needs pacing yeah the scenes have no pacing right maybe steven sigal ghost wrote maybe he goes edited the film directed and edited this film maybe i rip your arm off beat you to death with it i'm sorry about this you're here to kill you my men were shot by one of our own this is bigger than i imagined you ever lose anyone on your watch

reacher it's so bad you think you're above the law but i'm waiting for those rear reach around scenes not yeah when the sad start when i heard in this movie he reaches between his legs you know when he goes i'm gonna start hunting and i find you i'm gonna kill you all all right i'm done it's a tap down already i'm bored well i'm we get to watch part two tonight but that john wick too is going to be a good one yeah that'll be good i can't wait that first one was really good oh yeah i love you know i love canoe i can watch him do anything canoe can do anything um would you marry your mom well marry your mom can i um oh somebody else submitted that they got uh voicemails like their own silo may calls no yeah they said they've been getting

voicemails at work really yeah and here we go yeah you better get your fucking ass up to the counter and i'm in now and are you with blended because he disappeared i didn't see you at fucking dinner now i want your ass home i want your ass home now you got me now or i'm going to raise some kind of hell you never seen you better get you both of you better get your heads out your fucking ass right now i think she means i'm around you don't get on that phone call me back and we're gonna have a heyday down here with you i'll show you how that shit goes don't you put them on me i'll call me after dinner and think i don't know if you're fucking gone and that linda's gone and i was bullshit and if you're fucking her right here in the building

i don't i think you left her with her you get your fucking ass down now god damn little motherfucker before i take teaches cleaner you know the best part of this is much like salami um this lady is convinced that she left a certain person this voicemail yeah so when she sees him she's like what's up you you got to talking to him what are you talking about you got you heard that message don't think you didn't fucking hear that message and he's like i didn't hear any message i if i got to tell you if i can take you to that cleaner yeah i'll take you to the cleaner i'll take you cleaners yeah with that accent no more salami calls though right no but i've got a neat update um i've been getting texts about itis yeah itis is apparently on facebook

activated his phone number and now i'm getting text updates whenever itis gets a facebook update so like molly posted a picture of the people that's had your number yeah it is and then salami and then a woman to shana's shana the nurse the nurse and she's been getting a lot of offers out of bokeh retom but she's not getting them no i know i need to update their information so fucking especially her because it's for a job yeah you'd think shana's would be on top but so as far as um you know we were looking for boring things boring clips uh we found out that the uh those engineer clips are fake that they're like an inside joke among engineers but here's an actual one was kind enough to send us a truly boring but that's not a joke oh thank you yeah the next

section we'll be going to is section five that's the airbreak this guy looks boring following along turn to your section five page five dash one and this section covers airbrake system parts dual airbrake systems inspecting airbrakes and using airbrake the brake paddle is sometime called the um foot valve or treadle valve is what uh activate your brakes on the on your tractor and trailer and the harder you push on it the more pressure will be pushed on the brakes right um the foundation brakes are at the end of each axle right on uh your tractor and trailer so let's walk over and take a look at a mock-up of a foundation the airline will come into your air chamber this unit at this point when you press on the brake air is forced into this chamber

right which pushes this push rod to board stop are you bored and it's always uh you may have an application pressure gauge oh my god if you do that's a gauge it tells you how much pressure you're putting on this no this guy's so boring to inspect your brake system you should uh do it just like you would do in your pre-trip okay and uh please engine compartment please please that was really great thank you that was fucking terrible can i read an email update i got on eating brown of course you know we brought up the hammock clip which was uh what's that guy's name mccaffey uh the famous guy that invented anti-virus whatever fuck he has women in guatemala is it or belize it was in belize sit in hammocks with holes cut out of the bottom and they shit into his mouth oh to which i

responded with well doesn't that make him sick to eat brown and so we got a couple of emails from some health professionals they thought you'd want to hear ready hey jeans after hearing a few of your podcasts about these disturbing behaviors i had to look it up i've actually seen people exhibit these behaviors but that's because i'm a nurse in a prison for max security psych inmates inmates the truly funniest thing i've seen with fecal matter was an inmate who made sculptures out of his shit as well as poo crayons he then wrote messages on the walls with said crayons at least once a month an inmate is eating their own shit eat the poo poo to answer whether you'd get physically ill i have never seen any of them get sick from it eat the poo poo there you go and um

hold on we got another one tom and christina i'm a support worker and one of my clients eats his own brown and is medically well he eats it every day what's a support worker what does that mean i don't support worker i don't know support maybe that's from another country maybe why don't i just google it okay a support worker it might be a social worker and one of my clients eats his poo every day every day oh god support workers can work in a residential care home don't domiciliary care or out in the community their work is defined by a care plan which is often developed by a social worker okay god i was turning into the fucking evie my guy there for a minute reading that show god damn it well here let us cleanse our pallets with this look

look anybody what you're doing i'm just laughing okay yes yes there you go dan nice getting the next generation in on it next generation on that glass yeah excellent work really good stuff um um let me uh yeah okay you know what that means um i mentioned earlier my tour is beginning where am i this week i'm in uh milwaukee madison mini apple tits uh i believe there's like a hundred tickets left to milwaukee at the time of this recording madison is sold out all three mini apple tits shows are sold out and then a few days later next win the wednesday after i'll be at ucon i don't know if it's open

to the public it might only be for students but i'll be there stores kinetic it exciting stuff the tour rages on so please go to tomcigura.com slash tour a lot of places coming up long island strong island mont clare atlantic city um i go to chicago we added a show there boston bethlehem pennsylvania mason ticket uh san jose burlington vermont on and on and on seattle portland it's all happening please go to tomcigura.com slash tour and of course february 12th we're doing the podcast your mom's house live in urvine 7 p.m sold out we added a 9 p.m show we'll do a new show with the great yoshi obayashi at nine urvine improv jeans um february 17th and 18th i'm an la i'm headlining the hollywood improv february 17th

february 18th flappers comedy club april 13th through 15th brea improv may 4th and 5th fartnicks arizona may 19th and 20th jew dork titties at the gotham comedy club june 16th and 17th man fran disco at the punchline comedy club and with jeans on february 12th uh that's right the seven and nine p.m show oh it's gonna be exciting isn't it it's very exciting of course oh also we're proud to announce that we have added amazon uk to your mom's house podcast dot com if you want to use that when you shop in amazon in canada uk and the united states click on our banners thanks for your support go to thousand ranch dot com and buy some tickets to see those big mushy purples that's the best promo i've ever had ever ever of all times yeah a dungeons i have some um tommy would you

marry your dad what's that babe i want to read this email before i forget oh yeah go ahead i think it's fantastic yeah the subject says no other man like tom and then parentheses not true thank you her name is talon i thank her talon forgive me talon in addition to my husband peeing on me in the shower hot boxing me at every opportunity and nick naming my slightly soft stomach chubby tubby he has all he also thinks it's funny to try putting his toe in my butt he does this when i am fresh out of the shower and standing on one leg trying to put my other foot in my underwear his favorite times are when he can knock me off balance long enough to then shove said toe in my face and ask me if it's clean oh wow fill your pain mommy just keep glassing

the guy's a legend uh okay that guy's awesome yeah my deaf my husband definitely treats me like a 10 year old boy and all i can say is men like these only make our personality stand out strong thank you that's very true very true email says tommy is mommy tina kidding did she hit her head i have a bulgarian daughter-in-law not sure what they do to those poor eastern black kids she is sweet but best personality no you can include best personality champ to water and weight loss champ thanks jeans are you seriously reading these uh and then nerf dude wrote making a list of your husband's verbal trespasses is not the action of a personality queen interesting interesting how you're only reading those in favor of you that's really

reading what's in front of me it's on the sheet uh serious fart question have you ever farted on a scale in lost weight i have not wondered if it's possible um i have not i wondered if it's possible had my first double pike classic on xmas eve what congratulations so excited i couldn't find words thanks for all the important discussions let's go water champ james now you got angry with me because an email i wrote in asking if you sneeze and burp at the same time is that considered something no a sneeze and a burp was this this email i thought you said sneeze and fart no but a lot of people have asked that too is that something special does that name it's such nonsense that they want to be rewarded or credited for something then why is that tom i mean a sneeze

you know it's a natural occurrence happens quite often and the fact that you know pressure is being pushed out it's it's quite common that you would sneeze and fart at the same time the fact that we're going to act like that's something to be celebrated it's it's it's absurd it's like so what differentiates that from the double pipe classic it's so rare it's it's like it's it doesn't make sense usually that air chooses one canal when it splits in two i mean that really is a magical it's like a triple rainbow it's like seeing orcas come up and feed at the sunset it's it's a it's one of like nature's you know i'm catching a moose it's like a moose going down exactly you know and and people go their entire lives without them that's true sneezing and farting i mean a couple times a week you probably do that

but that i feel like that is a rare occurrence too i don't sneeze a whole lot but i don't have no here oh can i may i make a case for sneezing and farting please may i because when you sneeze you clench your sphincter okay yeah you're you're clenching so for a fart to come out and make sound at the same time as a sneeze maybe that is a harder feat because you're the clenching naturally wants to happen it's not that special it's not that special i've never heard you fart and sneeze oh i've done it dozens and dozens of times yeah it's not special um okay so bro i know you're a big football fan we got some elie manning Peyton Manning elie manning Peyton Manning post-game interview right here i like these guys actually

how long do those missed opportunities go through your mind do you just think about it well uh we'll see obviously they're still they're still right there this one hurts um you know just when you when you look back and you and uh you know you see that we you know had some had some some chances and we had a good plan and and you know uh had good plays called at the at the right time to take advantage of what they were doing and and uh you know just couldn't couldn't a lot of you know so far i want to say nothing you know i'm right you said how close was the offense to really having to type a game that it felt that it was capable to happen this year yeah i thought you know i thought uh i'm a big you know guy i thought we were close you know i

thought you know teams weren't giving us a whole lot of opportunities to get the ball down the field yeah it was tough it was tough here's all you know in one you know you know you know you know you know you know you you know you know you know you know you know it's good yeah that's good but you know you've always made that distinction that you know and you know i'm saying it's not the same that that i'm a stickler the way you are about sneezing and farting it's not special when i talked about how you sitting in the first words out of your mouth this you know what i'm saying you know i mean no the hell we don't you i don't know what you're saying and i don't know what you mean yeah yeah well you know isn't a different category than you know what i'm saying

you talk about feel me it's different it's all different yeah i totally get you um are you ready for uh oh this is fantastic this came in this kid records himself talking to his dad about eating ass oh and his dad is so not on board of course that is like that's your son asti got the shitty mouth motherfucker you you ain't asked me for a damn life i ain't man that you said you damn right i ain't never ain't no way so i ain't never never never who better to just crush it though no shit so you didn't know any girl from the back on front of back hell no so you know a pussy from the back no sir daddy you see because you do your nose gonna be all up in our ass hell no you never lick ass like let pussy and add the same time no

the asshole right there i don't give a damn no daddy stop lying 2017 that i ain't i ain't asked before i don't give a damn if it's 30 17 mother fucker i ain't ate no ass and i'm not going to eat no ass smart man really into not doing it smart guy come on get that fecal to oral bacteria atm everybody ain't asked everybody ain't no ass nobody ain't like you nasty motherfucker i don't understand them how you see the sun you're so it never never get no ass easy don't go near that motherfucker you know what comes out that motherfucker truth huh do you know exactly what comes out that shit yeah i agree that's all right i ain't still coming no asshole you got me fucked up 2017 you better do it oh shit we don't have no girl yeah all right well i just be just

don't have no god damn girl you're singing the rest of your month for the life that's all right then i'll be singing for the rest of my life i gotta eat ass they have a woman fuck that you're like a 66 year old man you realize that you guys have the same outlook on it i agree because this guy knows how to live long he knows what he's talking about i don't take risks risk averse i don't have any stories about drinking all day like you i don't have stories but eating ass like you i feel like i'm like i got beat with a pipe i think it's from drinking three days ago yeah guys hilarious um you ready for some more hi mommies thanks jeans but waiting an hour for this this is what i live for these days hi can i help you hey what's your pronoun

hey mommy can i get a uh large black cold brew uh with no ice a large cold brew black with no a yep actually do you have poly buy i'm sorry do you have poly buy it's uh it's a non-binary creamer no i'm sorry i do have almond milk okay um no i'll just go black jeans okay everything i'll see you today uh that's it mommy 344 thank you thanks that's fantastic wow the game is just elevated so much mommy how you doing today oh yes i love these anything and stuff like that those cry punches 104 man this is your there's four haha it's a little things in life you know makes life so much right thanks jeans thanks jeans you too keep it glassy man yeah because it's so much fun it's so much fun it's kori thanks kori good job

egypt double pipe special thanks mommy amazing egypt holy cow that's ali in egypt wow did not know we had egyptian jeans that is so cool very very well wow very impressive hello i'm sorry about that we're gonna give you today hey mommy uh i've been slipping along this big huge menu just glass and i think i'm just gonna do uh hot and spicy mcchicken and a large drink spicy chicken and a large drink correct what kind of drink a double pipe classic i'm sorry it's like when you fluid bond two different drinks like half coke half dr pepper i don't know if you guys are poly by friendly half and half what coke dr pepper that's correct jeans

no thanks i got family in denver so just a mixed drink in the home yes all right all right thank you hitler it's from my act oh family in denver hilarious holy moly who is that we're gonna give you today chris jay really good work holy moly wow wow i like that the idea of fluid bonding the two different drinks is genius that was other level thank you get a real clear thanks hitler sneaking those hitlers in is a bold it's bold yeah a whole other story it was uh ashley all right mommy i'm mommy gonna get a double cheese burger for berth please double cheese right here yeah please yeah yeah gonna get an f arty

toffee latte yes no thanks just glassy thanks james an f arty can i hear that one again i really like that one come f arty and he goes a double latte all right mommy i'm mommy gonna get a double cheese burger for berth please for berth yeah please berth you're right yeah gonna get an f arty oh toffee latte no thanks just glassy uh masterful thanks james masterful

how was berth's eating on your night out with him uh well we ate like pigs at that house of primary but did he eat more than you uh probably yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah oh okay i gotta say that from the time hi mommy thanks james started to where hi mommy thanks james is now it's just like a quantum leap it's just you guys are so it's absurd it's so smart and funny really funny man i never in my wildest dreams thought the game would elevate to this did you a couple more no i mean who knew this is a phenomenon taking the world over berry pee here well i love this guy can i get for you today hey hey there morning mommy uh just glass in here for a second jesus okay uh question for you all right hey do you guys have the same menu as like down in hollywood

down in la in that area there probably are some differences they have you looking they had a couple different breakfast one called the brown town jesus um yeah no if it's like if you have a before we might be able to make it not the big mushy purple either i don't see no it's probably it's probably different it's a lot they have like some health food stuff down there to keep you regular and all that for the old folks you know what i'm saying for reals though uh all right mommy i'm gonna have a vent extra hot mocha pretty please all right make those jeans high and tight uh i think that'll do it for me this morning mommy all right six thirty five right on thanks jeans uh look at this smile that's the look of contentment i'm telling you until

you've done it yourself you don't know the joy berries also the barbecue master this is the barbecue yeah you know i retweeted this video because i thought it was just so great oh shit that's him well now it's all connected all right well thank you thank you for the cue that was delightful really good stuff yeah holy moly well give my entire life and i would probably be a venti whole milk ice caramel macchiato uh yeah what would be amaze is uh this is my large can i get a grande ice water also anything else uh no that should do it for my fluid body tonight all right venti whole milk all right thanks mom my fluid bonding from my fluid the fluid

bond people added fluid bonding and non-binary real quick he goes this on the water channel i'll have the yeah it's really great the fluid bonding is the whole other thing i love it people even remember do you remember um man i'm exhausted from now it's so funny hi welcome to wendy's how may i help you yeah hi mommy um just glassing real quick uh glance at the menu glass and glass okay name number one small medium or large uh medium please and your drink cook all right and then kind of get a double pipe classic a double yeah double please all right can i have that medium because i'm not burnt and you're doing cope okay uh that'll be it 17 50 summer please 4 am all right thanks jeans fucking unreal nothing makes me happy because i'm not

burnt god he's making thank you for choosing pan express man's what would you like try simple learning firecracker chicken oh no not today mommy it's not a problem i'm gonna get real can i get a panda bowl with chow mein and then kiss my pussy chicken okay a panda bowl chow mein and hariyaki chicken yeah that's correct oh my god okay can i also get a side order of the uh how you say uh egg rolls um the egg rolls oh the egg roll yeah okay yeah you're also gonna get a side order of the uh how you say uh egg rolls um the egg rolls oh the egg roll yeah okay yeah the chicken egg roll or the veggie spring rolls um the chicken okay and then a side of sweet and sour as well okay anything else that's it i just

have a lot 70 60 and donate your 14 cents so if you need to open the hospital uh yeah sure jeans thank you very much it's going to be eight at the window okay thank you mommy now what this gentleman added is okay do you see what he did what masterful thing thank you for choosing pan express my name oh no name our new firecracker chicken oh no that's a he didn't leave his name the masterful thing that this gentleman did is the kiss my pussy chicken kiss my pussy chicken yeah and he did not he he gave her the space to answer back the teriyaki chicken that's the key if you can throw out the most ridiculous thing a lot of people i notice are doing that though give us silence you say it like you own it yeah and then you let them let them go oh did you mean the double right yeah right that's

the best is the the the letting them translate what you just said god kiss my pussy chicken i oh my god that's really crazy whoo that was so how'd you say egg roll egg roll i never saw that coming there that was hilarious i wouldn't have done that in a hundred drive-thrus but i didn't even know panda express had drive-thrus did you actually know i didn't no clue i wonder if that's nice can't be california oh my god we don't have those here huh fucking fuck that was great kiss my pussy chicken kiss my pussy chicken all right we gotta go jeans all right i'm exhausted i know jeans i know uh thank you guys for jeans and up with us it was a lot of fun we'll see you in a week by the way i don't know if

you guys noticed how much water my husband drank and how much i've been drinking go ahead show the audience how much you drank this whole episode go ahead i'm tired babe not a lot he drank two two little yorky sips your ears are malteez sips mine are doberman gulps i finished this too it's water soda counts against your water intake everybody knows that it's not soda oh what is it then it's water i was numb water how come then what does it say zero calorie soda it says here but there's it's it's water it's just soda water but it's got sweetener in it so it takes away no it doesn't have sweetener water and it contains caffeine so it's negative water no it doesn't it contains caffeine so it's negative water caffeine free well this one contains caffeine

let me see yours caffeine free okay i don't believe you you just wrote that on it it says so much sugar no artificial sweeteners tom's teeth were d minus they're worse dog teeth let's go water champ that's me thank you guys for listening we love you let's fluid please tell the audience so i can have record that you're impressed with my water consumption you're the water champ even the water champ for as long as i've known you know pound on the water pound on the water even the water champ for as long as i've known you know let's go let's go let's go water champ pound on the water pound on the water let's go let's go let's go water champ pound on the water tom!

let's go let's go let's go water champ pound the water drinking that much water this thing is water in pieces at the same time sometimes he's peeing while he's drinking oddly enough my wife also competed she came last like you ever seen New York people drink water this is my overwhelming urge to consume more water like you understand current water champion

you understand water champ water champ you understand current water champion you understand water champ water champ just kept drinking and no one said a word pound on the water pound on the water let's go let's go let's go water champ pound on the water let's go let's go let's go water champ pound on the water pound on the water is this technically water too not too

let's go let's go let's go water champ let's go let's go let's go water champ people were discuss like who's water champ and on that note let's let's let's go water champ we took two of those and they had 4 16 ounce of waters so are the water champ I've never seen someone drink so much water during such a short let's go water let's go let's go let's go water champ

pound on the water pound on the water let's go let's go let's go water champ pound on the water pound on the water let's go water champ just to mad man