Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura - 381-Your Mom's House with Christina Pazsitzky and Tom Segura

Episode Date: February 1, 2017

Have you ever tried to get a hearing impaired person to lick your stuff but you weren't sure how to do it? We have answers.  Plus we're pretty sure we found our sons little league coach. Hope he's still around when Little Jeans is ready to play. This guy emphasizes that losing sucks and no one wants to be one.  Tina and Tommy both break down what they individually hate and what they hate as a couple (acoustic?).  Hi Mommy...Thanks Jeans rages on and much more!

Tommy? Tommy? Tommy? Tommy, yeah? Tommy. Tommy. Would you sew your dick! Just like, Just like big gays.

Just, like, Just like, big gays. Just like, Just like big gays. Would you marry your son? Yes, of course. My god, I wish I could. Tommy, would you marry your dad? Oh, yeah. Yeah, of course I would do it. Christina, would you marry your son?

Oh my god. Yeah, yeah. Would you marry your dad? Yeah, of course. I live for this condition. Yeah. Just like, Just like, big gays. Just like, Just like, big gays. Just like, Just like, big gays.

Just like, Just like, big gays. Just like, Just like, big gays. Would you marry your mom? No. Come on. I think I'd marry my dad. Christina, would you marry your mom? I don't know.

Please, no. Would you marry your dad? Yeah, of course. For sure. I really would. Just like, Just like, big gays. Just like, Just like, big gays. Just like, Just like, big gays.

Just like, Just like, big gays. Would you marry your dad? Oh my god, that's outstanding. That is gay questions by MC Fluidbond. That's ridiculous. Fluidbonder, is that what it says? That's what it says there. God damn.

Tommy. Tommy. Tommy. Tommy. Yeah. Big gays. Would you marry your dad? Hilarious.

That's really funny. You know, it really just got me to think, and now, is who I would choose to marry my mom or my dad. We did it. We did this. Who did I choose? Well, my mom's dead. But let's say they were both alive. I didn't choose. I thought you did choose.

Did I? I thought so. Who did I say? I don't remember. Who would you marry, my dead mom or my dad? I asked them, would you ever date your mom? Little known fact is that people really liked that clip and we assumed

because we didn't get a lot of traffic on it through email or Twitter that they didn't. But one listener emailed and likened it to a Yelp review that sometimes you only see a review when there's something negative to be said. It's a good thing.

Once in a while he calls me mom, you know what I mean? Actually it was a big, yeah. A lot of feedback after we put it out there that we didn't know. We just didn't know if it was really hitting hard as other bits on the show. Because we were like, we really would, you know? So, oh good. Get your email.

As long as you're getting your emails during the show. As long as my emails come in, we're solid. And I was like, would you ever date your mom? He's like, you know, I really would. Do you think those are two of the dumbest people to live on earth?

On earth ever? Probably. Yeah. I mean, it's so beyond anything. Here's the thing, too, is that they're not dumb enough to know how to conduct an interview. You know? Most people, if they're into incest, would be like, whoa.

And you assume would just not even sit down to talk about it. Right, there should be a level of shame. They're trying to justify it. There should be a level of shame where you're trying to conceal what you're doing. That's intelligence, though. That's the mark of intelligence.

It's shame. But they also have the intelligence to actually justify it with kind of pretty decent logic. It's just like the gaze. It is just like the gaze. Yeah, their own logic. Oh boy. I think I'll fucking turn that off now.

What's going on? There's emails coming in. I should just shut it down. I'm gonna marry my mom. This one has emails on it, too. Hold on. Let me give it that. So stupid. Now, you just came back

off the road last night. You've been touring constantly. And, you know, this morning I think what's on both of our minds is what happened to my morning dump. It's a great point. You had a really interesting

story about it. Well, I did because we woke up together and we both have our coffees and then we both take turns dumping. And I had my coffee but there was no dump. Yeah. And there were lots of farts, no dump, and I'm like, what's going on here?

You also, the thing that I like is that you mentioned it a lot. You've talked about it quite a bit since then. It's just like the gaze. It is just exactly like the gaze. Book, do you have any theories? Yeah, your dump's not ready.

Yeah, but I usually go every morning like clockwork no matter what. Yeah, I mean, I wish I could help but it's just not ready. I have a theory if you're willing to hear it. I'm willing to go wherever you're willing to take me right now.

The theory is this morning, you know, we have the Nespresso machine and we have different flavor pods. And I normally go with Intenso which is a very bold, strong flavor of coffee. It's very strong. Nespresso, yeah. Nespresso, but this morning

I went with Pumpkin Spice which is a lighter coffee and I think because I chose a lighter coffee it didn't produce the bell movement that I desired. It's a reasonable theory. It's a reasonable theory.

You could be on to something and it's interesting too. It's a very interesting theory. Well, what I'm hoping to do because I gave up my ice double Americano with a splash of half and half and I went the double tall Soylate.

Which is old school for you. Old school. But I'm drinking it with a straw to preserve the whiteness of my teeth. And we'll see if this produces the bell movement. We may have to pause the show so I can go shit in real time. Also, very, very interesting. Well, I feel like it's nice to involve

the listeners in our bell movement. We always get to be a part of it. Yeah. And now they are. So hopefully that dump comes real soon, you know. POP. Okay. Yeah. I meant it to say POOP.

POOP. What was that? That's silly. We haven't even officially opened our show. What are we doing? Oh heavens. Let's get in there. Let's do it. Ready? Let's do it, Jeans.

And then mean, you're going to make a V hand shape and it's going to rotate on your other hand's palm. Then to sign like butthole, you're going to make a relaxed fist with the pinky side out. And then you're going to make an H hand shape with the other hand and it's just going to mind licking that butthole.

You're also going to use some tongue action there. So. This shit is big time. Who is Ram? Don't bring anyone loving to this. No loving to fucking stand. Welcome, welcome. Welcome to your mom's house. With Tom Segura.

With Tom Segura. Christina Pajitsa. Christina Pajitsa. Welcome to your mom's house. Hey Tom. Hey. Welcome to a new addiction of yours. It's called your mom's house

podcast and we are practicing signing. I want to toss your salad. Yeah. What I like is her total seriousness to it. She's totally committed. She's fantastic. She's like, it's kind of creepy when

she licks her lips though. Yeah. Let me see that one. I love this girl. Yeah, she's really enthusiastic. Yeah. She's showing you dirty dirty sign language I think is. That's so good. Here's what we're going to do.

First we're going to finger spell it. So it's T-A-I-M-T. You know what's great about this girl though? This is very juvenile. Yeah. Like if you were 11 and someone was like you want to know how to spell tank? Of course. Yeah. It's just like when you learn a foreign language.

The first thing you ask for is the dirty words. I remember going to Peru as a kid and learning like I understood a lot of Spanish but all of it was Spanish. My mother spoke. Yeah. No fun Spanish. None. The first thing was like how do you say fuck? How do you say insult?

Of course. And they tried to trick you. All those cousins, Roro and they said we had lunch or something. They said do you know how to say how to ask for ketchup? And I was like no.

And they were like you say concha tu madre. And I was like I'm not that fucking dumb. Well to, in their defense your cousins are sociopaths. They are. One of them, yes. One of them is definitely not

You're bullshit. Oh yeah. At the wedding. He's a sociopath. When we were at Why is he a sociopath? Jeanette's wedding. Just he's got those eyes. He does have crazy eyes. Either it's foreign cousin eyes or sociopaths.

I think they might be foreign cousin eyes. He's focused too. And he's intense. Laser, that's it. Intensity, laser focus. He says really inappropriate. He's a big achiever. He's a high achiever which a lot of them are. But he also has a very direct

sense of humor. It's funny, he makes me laugh a lot. I really enjoy him actually. He definitely looks through you though. Yeah, ice cold. Yeah, he's got real crazy eyes. But he's a sweetheart actually. You can say that, sure. He's one of those guys who puts off

like, oh shit, like real intense. At his core, he's a real sweetheart. Now, what was he like, younger? Did he strangle puppies? No, no, no, no, no. Was there hurting animals? No, nothing like that. Are you sure about that? 100% Yeah, definitely not. Shaving llamas.

No, he was, you know, kind of an alpha male. Sense that. Not hurting animals. Now, they're brothers. They're two boys that you spent time with. Three of them. Oh, right, is he the eldest?

He is, crazy eyes. So that's why. And the high cheerer, they all are, but they have totally different personalities. Isn't that interesting? Same household. And then the youngest one is very much a young, you know what I mean,

the baby of the group. What's his name? The youngest is Diego. I like Diego. You've never met Diego. Have I met Diego? Who do I mean? Ro Ro. And what's the sociopath? Jorge. Jorge. He's not a sociopath.

Yeah, who's the one that told me about the pink dolphins? Juan Luis. I love Juan Luis. I think he's my favorite. He's a sweetheart too. He's a sweet guy. Yeah, I haven't seen him in years. I miss those guys. Yeah, let's go to Peru. That's what I told you was kind of like one of the most exciting parts of that wedding

was hanging out with those dudes because they were like my homies. Why don't you marry your mom and then you could go over all the time? I wanted to marry my mom, but I couldn't, you know? I think we should plan... Mom, I love you! Maybe we should plan a trip to Peru or a vacation where we get to meet somewhere.

Yeah. And see them. That'll be fun. I want them to go to Hawaii. Hawaii's great. You know why? Why? Are you here for us? That's true. That's awesome. You always plan the trip that's easiest for us. That's number one. Aren't you happy about that? Duh, yeah, of course. Yeah. Anyway, back to my favorite person.

Yeah, this sweet girl. This girl is awesome. Yeah, why shouldn't deaf people know how to sign everything's everyone else is saying? Oh, of course they do. Of course they have. That's how this is out there. And then we're going to explain what a taint is. Okay. So first we're going to sign vagina.

Nope. Not the vagina. Asshole. Nope. Not the asshole. Between. Oh, so you go vagina. No. Was it asshole? What was asshole? Yeah, like that.

I kind of don't know where it is. No, between. There's a fucking goddamn thing. There's vagina. Not the vagina. No. Asshole. Okay. Asshole. No. You go no. And then you go between. Between. Nope.

Not the asshole. Between. Between. At a girl. At a girl. So you're going to sign the the live-long and prosper sign but on its side and with its palm facing towards you and then you're going to chop that a couple of times. That's between.

I like that. That's great. So again, T-A-I-N-T. I'm not going to try that. Not the vagina. Not the anus. Between. Great. Thanks for watching. Yeah, good girl.

She's fantastic. Hey folks, Dirty Signs with Kristen and our Valentine's Day coming up. I figured we'd do a really romantic phrase of will you toss my salad? This is, you know, you realize this is meant for you. Yeah, as a message. Of course.

Are you saying that you want me to do it for Valentine's Day? I've wanted you to do it every day since I've met you. It's never going to happen. We've covered this. No, it's never going to happen. No, I mean it. Your butthole daunting and hairy

and chocolatey. Even though we have the totos now, the washlet 358, I don't trust the cleanliness. Super clean. It's really, really clean. Why don't you run your finger along your ass crack right now and take a whiff? Babe. Because I don't believe you.

Babe. Babe, what? We're just dressed like pups. It's not sexual. Run your finger along your crack if you're ass. You don't need to finger your hole. You don't want to do it on your finger. Thank you. No, I'm serious. Will you do that for me right now? Smell what you're not smell like

at different times of the day. Would you run your finger in your butthole right now and smell it and then tell me if you're right? Of course. Don't burn what your ass smells like. What your cock and balls smell like. It's just some, it's harmless pup play. It's just like guys in suits.

It's just friends hanging out. It's like a cigar club. It is. It's like golfing or any other fun hobby. Oh, Jesus. It might be my thing. A cacophony. Alright, we're back. So what happened was that's a tour

shirts. What do they look like so people know it to buy when they see you? So I'm bringing them with me everywhere. Let's see. I'll show you right now. The tour shirts. It's like for the tour.

Let me see. Here it is. Let's see if it comes up. It's the no teeth no entry. Oh, very good. I like that. It's own shirt. That's awesome. And I like this guy with no teeth in the front. Dave Glock drew it.

Very talented. Very nice. So anyways, that was a messenger dropping them. Very cool. So I'll have some with me every week. I can't like bring you know, tons and tons. Yeah, because you physically have to pack them in a suitcase and then fly

across the country and take them city to city. The other thing like some people ship them first. Maybe I should do that. I don't know, man. You know what? I've done that before. The reason I'm against it is because if you ship it to the venue nine times out of ten whoever collects it doesn't know

or it's outside. No one picks it up. I don't think it's safe. It's a pain in the ass. It sucks. I'm saying even traveling with them is a pain in the ass. Of course, because you have an extra bag. Yeah. Then like every city I get to I have to coordinate first

like, hey man, can I drop off this bag? Right. Yeah. And then it's, well, I don't know or what time and so there's that whole mess and then you're coordinating with a sales person like to sell them. And then you've got sizes. So now you've got to bring you don't have XL. You don't have L's.

Then there's the settlement. Did I even tell you what happened? No. Oh man, over the weekend one of the cities so they count your shirts when you give them to them and then they count how many you have at the end and that's how many you have left is that tells you

what your money is. So the guy did that and he was like okay. And then we counted the money and it was off and he's like he started doing like so is that right? We're like, no, that's wrong. How much is it supposed to be?

We kept repeating the same numbers. So I thought what he was doing was doing the wear you down technique where you keep saying it and then what that person hopes for is that you go. So I just went like, well, I guess just count it again.

And then he and then he kept looking around like do you think money is laying under shirts or something? It was just like this ongoing thing. So I told the promoter I go, I'm going to go here talk to some friends. You handle it.

Dude, 20 minutes later I went back. He had miscounted the shirts at the end. So he was the correct amount of money was there. Right. But at first I really thought he was just trying to be slick with it.

Yeah, well that's the thing. It's human error. It's all small. But you know what? It's funny because in our business there's human error all the time where they give you the ticket things and the numbers don't matter. I would say most of the time I get paid inaccurately or

something's inaccurate and Yeah, it's another thing. By the way, for all businesses I mean, I had one a few months ago where I finished the show and you know, every for people that don't know how it works in comedy I mean, every gig you do has its own

its own contract. And it was like a percentage. And then you knew how many tickets are involved, right? Like you know exactly the price of the tickets. So the math is really for somebody that's horrible at math

it's very easy and laid out. So the guy was like, you sold out. So I'm like great that's that many tickets. That's at that ticket price. And that's the percentage. And he goes, guess what you made. And I go I don't have to guess. He's like, what do you mean? Your job. There's no guessing because I know.

And he goes, well, what do you think it is? I go, I don't think it's something. I know what it is. And then I told him and he's like that's not what I have. And I go yeah, there's not different versions of what it could be. It is this because the deal

was X number of tickets at X dollars for the result of this percentage. And I explained that to him. He was like I don't know what is going on here. Yeah, they never do. And they start like calling other people. And I was just sitting there like it's exhausting. And in the end

he was like, you know what? You actually had the number right. And I was like, yeah, of course, man. Yeah, because it's in the contract that we both signed months and months and months ago. No, my favorite is I did a club where the ticket count was one thing and then the dollar amount was another. And I'm like, this is so wrong.

Like it's wrong. Well, what happened was you know, it was from the show before the numbers got mixed up and that that was like, what are you what is this? What business are we speaking of another business? How about the airline thing that happened

to me this week? All right, you bought a ticket for someone. I have the coordinating travel is a horrible as most people know when you're coordinating it for a tour like I'm doing where it's a different city every day. It's really like, you know, stressful.

Yeah. So and also I bring an opening act and I take care of their travel. So I reached out to management company and they were like, well, yeah, what people do is they use a travel agent who specializes

in touring. Right. So you go, okay, so I hire these people. It's really actually really reasonable fee. They just put a fee on a ticket booked, right, and they get discount. So you anyways, I also get notifications on my

phone when my card is used, the credit card pops up that like $7,500 charge pops up on my phone. I was like, whoa, what is that? So I call the credit card company

and they go, oh, yeah, it's British Airways. I'm like, well, as much as I'd love to go to the UK, I haven't bought anything on British Airways and they're like, well, you did now. So they're like, is it fraud? I'm like, I guess so, because I didn't

buy it. Well, it's not uncommon to have fraud on our cards. I think one time somebody in London went to like Versace and it's so weird why card thievery happens in the UK a lot. Yeah, that was my favorite about that was that those mandems called and they

just asked very nonchalantly they go, hey, did you spend sorry, Mr. this is whatever credit card did you spend $25,000 at Christian Dior in London and I go, no, I actually did not. And they're like, oh, okay. Well, somebody

did. Thank you. Thank you. So anyways, it turns out not only there was no fraud, the travel guy accidentally, he's explained that like on the profiles that if he does things too quickly that the profile doesn't

like move on to the next. Oh, sure. Right. Right. Those are fresh. Yeah, and I explained it and I totally believed it, but he was like I had your profile up. I then, you know, was done with what with you. I pulled up the next persons and I had their thing ready to go and I

just hit purchase and it went it used your profile information for their ticket and then not only was it that but that I bought it for a very special guy. You're going to tell him who it is. I mean, I think I deserve a little. Yeah.

Well, thank you. Yeah. It's Robert Pattinson. He's a vampire. Yeah. Maybe you just bought a vampire plane ticket because he's team that's team Edward. Edward. Yeah. I'm team Edward all the way. That's what I did. When I found out it was for him. Yeah.

I said, let him keep it. I said, it's a joy to purchase. Because are you you're really a big fan of those Twilight movies. I know you love them. I go listen, I've been looking at Robert for about seven, eight years now. Yeah. Long enough

to feel like I owe him a 7500. You really are team Edward over Jacob though, right? I mean, let's be serious here for a minute. 100%. Yeah. What do you like more about Edward versus Jacob? I mean, just, he has a better nose. Yeah. He does. Taylor Lautner kind of has a

wonky nose. Kind of like a button, like a square, almost like a baby nose. Yeah, it's weird. But it's oddly big too. Yeah. Go ahead. What else? Those big British eyes like that jawline. But team Jacob's

hunkier. Yeah, but who'd be more fun to hang out with? That's a good, see that's a really good question. Hey! God damn it. It's a really good question because Edward's like this educated he's been alive for hundreds of years.

Yeah. But then Jacob, they're kind of all about the party and the fun. They're down to earth. They keep it real. They do. So it's kind of Hey! Come here. Now I'm not. You think that sounds good for our show? Come here. No, do you think it's good when you yell hey

into the mic? Come here, buddy. My head's away. It's pretty loud. Come here. Would you want her to keep barking or do you want it to stop? Hey! Do you want her to stop? I want her to stop. Then she stops because I have her. Stay here dummies. Yeah.

Oh, I hope I can take a shit soon. Well, so who are you choosing? Team Edward or Team Jacob? I'm, I switched depending on my mood, but Edward abandoned her. Let's not forget. I'm going to kill you. I abandoned her and her time of need. We're talking about Robert and

Taylor Lautner. Yeah. Not as characters? No. Not as vampires? No, the real guys. Oh, I like Team Edward. Yeah, I like him more aesthetically. Robert. You know why? I don't really like muscular dudes. It's not my thing. Thanks. Got it.

I don't like those big horse cocked muscular fit athletic looking guys. You know, I'm going to bring these dogs in, okay? Hold on. Okay. What? What? What's the drum? What are we doing? You're the fucking, you're the fucking shit

personality champ. Oh my god. You're just grumpy because you're tired for a long time and you're grumpy. Yeah, but also because you won't, you know. What? So to say this inside, I'm going to say my salad, you toss salad, mean lick by hole.

See? I really like her. She's fantastic. She brightens my day. You should take a couple cues from her. So we're going to start off with my, just put your hand on your chest, salad. You're actually going to mind tossing a salad and you're going to puff your butt. So,

you, you're going to play to the person to sign toss salad. I'm going to do the same as the sign for salad, but slightly larger and I'm going to mouth the word toss while I'm signing in. So, it's awesome. And then mean, you're going to make a V hand shape and it's going to rotate on

your other hand's palm. Then to sign like butthole, you're going to make a relaxed fist with the pinky side out and then you're going to make an H hand shape with the other hand and it's just going to mind licking that butthole. You're also going to use some tongue action there. So,

that's awesome. So, we're going to put it all together and say my salad, you toss salad, mean yeah, that's, it's so hot. All right, hooray. Thanks for watching. It's hot. I didn't know

she was going down that route. I didn't think so either. It's hot. It's so hot. Wow. You know what she's into now. Yeah. Little piglet. Yeah. She's, she's an animal. Not like you. Do you think she's into tossing someone salad

or having hers tossed? I think she's into all of it. She seems like the kind of person that would be down with any of it. She's really? Yeah. How do you know that? I mean, look at her. She's doing videos about what she's doing videos about how to say tossed it and I want to toss salad. Yeah. Remember there was an

she's like, that's so hot. I mean, she's into it. She's into it. Yeah. Are you into her now because of that? Of course. That's so attractive. Remember there was a time where people wrote in and they were like, I would, I would eat Tom's ass whole. They were coming up to me at

shows. Sometimes you know, actually not sometimes. I think 99% of the time it was as couples where like the guy would be like he would not go for it. He'd go do it. And she was like, I would lick your butthole.

Like he totally put her up to it or whatever. I'm supposed to say I would lick your butthole and then I would look at the guy and be like, see. Here you go. Oh, okay. Thank you so much. Special. It does feel like a really nice thing to say to somebody.

Did it make you feel nice inside? Yeah. I thought it was like it was kind of like maybe I don't know. I felt like kind of like I was in a wheelchair and somebody goes like, oh, you know I would fuck you. Yeah. And you're like, oh, thanks. Not that

like if you're in a wheelchair, no one says that but it felt kind of like they were putting their arm around me. Right. Like, sure. I was the last kid picked on the team. Yeah. And they're like, you can play with us. Yeah. You know, like that. Yours is the last butthole on earth. I would lick maybe. The last one.

Let me think. Hold on. Such a jerk. I would, well, I don't know. I just, I just know you. You haven't smelled your, your butthole by the way. Oh yeah. I was supposed to run my finger along the crack. Yeah. It's clean right now. Let's do it anyways. Why? Because I want to

verify my belief that I think even if, even if you do wash, I feel like an hour later it just gets gamey. Well, it gets gamey throughout the day, of course, but right now it's not. That's sure. Go ahead. I'm busy right now. Listen, if you have a minute, if you have a moment. I'm busy. I'm doing

the show right now. Throughout your day, just run your finger along your crack. There's no need to put your finger in your asshole. You don't want to get shit on your finger. It sounds like I don't have to press the button anymore. It's true. Where are you going to do it or not? No.

I'm not a fucking... How are we going to move towards this goal if you don't reassure me that it doesn't smell bad? It doesn't smell bad. It doesn't. You're not reassuring me enough. Why don't you run your finger along my crack? Because I don't want to smell it. It doesn't smell. I need you to verify that it smells.

It doesn't smell. Okay. Babe, I showered. Showered. Doesn't matter. After the dump. It doesn't matter. Yeah, it does matter. Of course it matters. No, because you're gross. Everything's gross all the time. Oh my God.

So much going on politically. And I love hearing the different perspectives on all the issues. This is one that I'm very much captivated by. Absolutely fantastic. This is just

a black guy in a blonde wig with a blue coat and a red tie. And he's little Trump. I don't know... What's he saying? I don't know. I don't know. I don't know.

I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I know a little Trump. What's he selling? Just followers? I don't know.

I don't understand what's to sell. It makes me so happy. I saw it on the Street Watcher's page on Instagram. And I don't know exactly. But I love so much about just how simple the outfit is,

that he was like okay, I'll be Trump. How so? I'll put on a blonde wig. We're going to talk about the wall. I'm just going to pick up two bricks. And that he's essentially just saying I'm Trump. I'm little Trump because I got a wig basically.

A horrible blonde wig. It's really fucking funny. And it's also, just go out to the front lawn. We'll just film on the front lawn. We're building the wall baby. And then he said we're going to keep the motherfuckers out. Oh boy. I absolutely love it. I've watched it

for 40 times. Oh I know and you've been repeating it over and over and over. The wall. I told you all the wall was coming. We're going to keep the motherfuckers out. We're running the industry now. What's the industry? I don't know. That's why I don't understand any of it. We're running the industry now.

We hear baby. What are you talking about? Go and follow. Little Trump. See the wall be built. See the wall be built. Follow history. Around the industry. Around the industry.

What's I'm saying? Is this guy in it for the social media glory? What's he doing? The way he's talking it sounds like a rapper would talk. We're taking over the industry. I'm sorry. Where's your water? It's over here. It's under the table.

Let's see that because I'm looking and I don't see you having any water. It's interesting because I'm sipping on my scissors. Finish the little Trump because there's also a footage of Trump at the White House having breakfast. Only in the mansion

you get to eat like this. No Waffle House, no Hutter House. You have to be invited to the mansion to eat like this. This is how we do it. Every day baby. This is how we live. In the mansion baby.

I don't know why he would say the mansion as opposed to the White House. The thing about this clip is that that is presumably where it should end. They just keep rolling. And cut. No one knows what to do.

So the guy is just staring at the camera. It's a nice house though. Nice breakfast for sure. It's got orange juice, coffee, milk. And orange slices too. University of Georgia mug, patties, Waffle. From the food back to the guy.

The guy still puts his fucking knife up. Makes an X. Oh no that means he's in a robe with his blonde wig. They've got the flag there. That's good pop work. Just let him eat man.

That's good when it's like that gooey. I'm doing that too. He's putting the yolk with the potatoes. That's a really good move. I don't find that one as hilarious as you do. I like it but I'm not like LOL-ing so much. I think we agree to disagree on that one. Okay well I'm just saying

all I'm saying is if you're looking for maybe a unique perspective on the political situation maybe little trump is the way to go. He's on crossfire next week. Yes. That's just my opinion. Now

one thing that we haven't visited in a while is coaching. I love coaches with a message. This is a little league coach a little league baseball coach and it's pretty intense

how he talks to children playing baseball. I want to make this our last night. Do you understand last game of the season Aiden eyes on me. Aiden eyes on me. If you have to say eyes on me you know. They are not interested.

Of course they're kids. How old do you think these kids are? I can't see them yet. Kids are when we step on this field. Jackson with an X. What's one of our goals when we step on this field? To to do your best Okay not even close.

I agree. Good coach. Good. To do your bestest? Not even close. Well that's not the superlative of best. And the way that that kid's voice just sounded I'm guessing six or seven is the age. Our goals

Hit dingers. Everybody better have their eyes on me. Eyes on me Ryland. Hit dingers. Disgrace the pitcher's family. Make the other players cry. And stomp their butts into the ground. Does everyone understand that?

Yes. I like this. I would have Ellis play with this guy. This is real life shit. I agree. You know because doing your best is life advice. Because it's not really the point.

The point is to win. The losing sucks. You should always teach your children that. I'll take them out of any participation award shit too. Get the fuck out of here with that. Merit awards. I used to get a bunch of those too. There are two types of people in this world.

There's two types of people in this world. There's winners. And there's losers. Just so that we're clear in this field. Our goal is to be a winner. There you go. How many parents got infuriated

by this speech? Well they're losers so they would. That's right. I like this guy. And if your dad said oh it doesn't matter whether you win or lose just as long as you have fun

I'll hate to say it. Your dad's a loser. I agree with coach. Especially at this age. What is it? The Pee Wee League? Dominate that shit. You gotta teach them that losing sucks.

Losing's not okay. Seriously. I believe it. Well I think this horse shit that you should just have fun. No actually when you're playing a competitive sport it's not about having fun. If you wanted to just have fun you wouldn't play a game. You would go out and rally

or would a volley or whatever like in tennis you don't play for score. But you're scoring so you may as well fucking try to win loser. The whole point of scoring is to try to score more points. Yeah so then that's why there's a score board. You dip shit. You fucking dumb shit.

You dummy dumb. Now I agree this guy's spot on. Now if that was excellent work. Yeah that was great man. I remember those coaches man. That's how we were raised. You know Gen Xers

and Gen Yers. That's how we were raised. Now it's all fucking pacified. Nobody talks to kids. Nobody tells kids the truth anymore. About life. Everything's sugar coated and these poor fools have no clue what's happening when they go out in the real world.

It's unfortunate for them. I'm not criticizing the kids. It's not their fault. It's the adults who have failed them. Leagues like that now where they go everybody gets a trophy. Are you being serious?

Everybody gets a trophy for what? Everybody gets a trophy. Are kids not on those? No of course not. This is never going to happen in my world. Why would you get a trophy just for doing it? The world doesn't reward you. They don't want anyone's feelings to get hurt.

Yeah that's true. God forbid a kid would I can't even get into it. But hurt feelings are what motivate you to change and do better. If you never get your feelings hurt then you never realize what you're doing. That loss is what makes you want to work harder.

Of course. And you learn to deal with loss as a child. Or if you see everybody else get the trophy and you go I want the trophy. Then you work hard and then you figure it out. But to not even let the kid feel the feeling of failure. Good luck in life asshole because

you get the trophy and then you win some. Right? Life is so much failure. Yeah of course. It's about recovery. Resilience yeah. What a fucking dumb lesson we're teaching these kids to give everybody a trophy just for showing up.

Good luck. That's fucking retarded. That makes me so mad. Doesn't that mean you're mad? I think it's silly. You sound like an old lady. Yesterday I was turning into a Midwestern mom. You're such a Midwestern mom.

Because I think as long as I haven't said awesome sauce yet. I feel like once I say that. You were just like oh my god that's my jam. That's my jam. And I'm like okay. Oh my goodness that's my jam. What was my jam?

That's my jam. Something that maybe we were eating or ordering or something. You're like oh that's totally my jam. Okay mom. I really am. I just have to start wearing culottes pretty soon. You're such a mom. I know.

It's all good. It's fine though I like it. You're a total dad. This morning when you're playing with LJ you had on your boxer shorts. They're now paper thin. And you've been wearing them around our nanny which is really neat.

Thanks for doing that. Please. I didn't hear that. You heard that. People hear that. What I meant was no regard for her visual assault. The point is that you're not putting on pants.

Not because you think it's sexy but it's just disrespect. She doesn't want to see your dick and balls hanging out of your shorts. Nothing. Let me put this on. This show today.

How's it falling off the rails? The ringing and the barking and the t-shirt deliveries. It's alright. God. The point is do you think why don't you put on pants? It's weird that you just walk around in your underwear.

I don't know. I'm comfortable and I'm home. I want to wear my boxers. Do you think she probably notices it but she's too polite to say anything? Of course she notices it. I have three boys. She's three boys. She's seen all the cock and balls.

Are we going to find out or not? I want you to put your finger down there. I want you to put your finger down there. But you're supposed to get a step closer. It's your smells though. Babe, it's not sexual. We're just doing pup play. I just need you to put on a dog mask

and a latex outfit. You also burp and fart relentlessly around her. No, I don't. She has to be a few rooms away before me to do it. The other day

I was coming home with Ellis and she was already at our house. I saw her in the kitchen as I was pulling in the driveway and I go in to get Ellis in the car seat. I'm taking him out and I just rip a huge fart. And she's right there.

She heard me fart. Of course she heard you fart. But she farts too. But she doesn't fart in front of us but she farts. She's a person. And she's probably heard a lot of farts. She's three boys too. It's all farts and cocks and balls and taints.

Of course. But no one farts like you. That's true. I'm sure she's not used to whatever you did for her. Remember last night when I farted and I forgot that I had farted and I got startled and I was like fart it.

It smells. Why do you keep saying it? It's so gross. Why do you keep repeating it? You keep telling these stories. They're so terrible. What's terrible? The story. No one wants to hear that. About what?

About your farts and your shitting and your farting. Everybody wants to hear it. Babe this whole show is about farting and shitting. And coming and I wish you would. I wish you would. Anyway, I thought it was really neat. The other week you and I

discovered something that we both hate together. Which is very rare because we've been together for 12 years. And just when we thought we discovered everything we mutually hated we discovered one more thing. Which is? Frank Sinatra.

I'm not entertained. I don't think it's great. It's also not singing. Why do you say that? He's singing. He's not singing. Sing like him. I guess he kind of sings that one. But most of it is like

and you're like that's not really singing man. You're just kind of like raising the pitch of your talking voice. Yeah, a lot of the songs are I like that. That's singing? Yeah. Hey it's a b-b-booski. I think what bothers me about it is that it's such like

it's such a chauvinistic. That's the good part. That's the part you love in the books. It's such like a douchey chauvinistic thing. You have to weigh into Sinatra. It means that you love that way. Yeah.

Back when the women did everything they should be doing. Yeah, but I don't have a problem with that at all. Right. But I just don't feel like it's good music. Or when someone's like I love listening to Sinatra. I'm like really man? That's your favorite music? I think it just annoys me.

I don't know. It irritates me. It's always kind of irritated me. But if I had to be honest I'd rather hear Sinatra than Springsteen. Wow. Wow, me too. I agree. Springsteen annoys the shit. I do like the song Born in the USA though.

What? Because I think to like a Springsteen fanatic that's like a laughable one. Oh right. It's the flagship song. I don't know many. All I know is that this is your hometown your hometown

It's so annoying. Oh, it's horrible. The most annoying part is how many people celebrate like it's wonderful. I don't understand. I was actually we had this conversation maybe on this show

it was either on the show or it was off the show, but it was with Paul F. Tompkins where we talked about Springsteen. I remember that. I can't remember if we were recording or not. And he said, I think he put it perfectly he said that people, you see people

having an experience with like music or something, right? So in this case, let's say with his music and then you digest it and you go, yeah, I'm not sharing that. I don't get that experience that you're having.

Yes, and I think too with Springsteen and the magnitude of his following you're like, I think that's why I feel more lost by it because I'm like I don't even understand why 10 people are into this. Yeah, I think it's cultural as was Sinatra with Springsteen with Lady Gaga with any

music Mariah Carey we were watching a show about her. If you identify with it on some level it resonates if your experience is in life then you're like I get it. The fucking hose job from Springsteen is that he's the blue collar guy. Well, not any, certainly he's a multi-millionaire. Yeah.

He's the working class guy. Yeah, sure. Oh yeah, not anymore. He hasn't been working anymore since the 1980s. 40 years. Yeah. Yeah, and he's singing about about trucks and wheat farms

or whatever. You know who else? Yeah. Now you didn't. Shut up. No, you didn't. I don't hate him. I don't hate. I don't hate. I don't like Bob Dylan. You and I both don't like that.

Yeah. We don't like that. I'll readjust my list. That is horrendous. Yeah. He won a Nobel Prize this year, last year. For the musics? Yeah. He won literature. Nobel Prize for his songwriting. Wow.

Oh boy, that's irritating. I would have given him a noose before I gave him a Nobel Prize. That's fucking horrible. Yeah. I don't like that. I think I don't like acoustic music in general. That is my least favorite genre.

Give me a man or a woman in a guitar and I want to blow my brains out. I don't want to hear. I don't want to hear nothing like that. I don't like that at all. I mean maybe it was the age too. It's too emo for me. Clapton did that one. Album? He did it in an acoustic album.

The Strangers in Heaven? Yeah. I thought that album and that song was great. It makes me too sad. It's a super sad song. His son passed away didn't he? It bums me out too much. But it's still a good song. This is yooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo Ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo...

When I started announcing how much I hate springsteen, I would get these messages and they're like First I was like, I don't want it. So then I go, you know what? I should try it. Dude, I tried. I hated it. Yeah, I feel that way about you two and I know I'm gonna get a lot of heat on that.

Oh yeah. My trainer was like we're gonna go, we're driving to Vancouver we're going to Vancouver to see you two and I, you know, she's really selling it to me. They're such a great band and I was like yeah, I didn't have the heart to tell her I just don't like them. And I was like, you know, objectively I get it.

And again, with all these objectively I get it. She's like, well, maybe you should see them live and I was like, I don't think so. I think it's a preface. So ruin my day even more. I think actually a huge punishment for me would be to go see the E Street Band live.

Well, is that the worst? Do you think? For me, I'm saying for what I could be like I watched their entire Hall of Fame induction I was like, I couldn't roll my eyes any harder. I watched all these

concert footage people sent me. I have zero. What about the E Street Band or Bruce Willis's blues band? Well, honestly I would probably or Steven Seagal's blues band. I would probably go see Seagal first just because I'm so

amused by him. Okay, well then let's change that. Bruce Willis and his blues band or the E Street Band. And you got to say for the whole show you got to eat, you got to watch every song. Well, I already have the stain for the E Street Band.

So I would at least go into Willis's band like well, you know, maybe I'll... Maybe it's fun. Maybe I'll be entertained. Let's do Sinatra or E Street Band, go. I would see Sinatra. Okay, wow.

So okay, E Street Band or you too? Oh, definitely go see you too. You like them though. I like them enough. I'm not like a fan where I have all their shit, but I like them enough. And I bet it's a really good show. I mean like show wise.

What about Death Metal? Death Metal or E Street Band? E Street Band. I hate Death Metal. Yeah, it's rough. Wait, what would you choose? I mean, I think E Street Band just because

a Death Metal show would give me so much, it would get me down emotionally. What about for you, Death Metal or you too? You too, because that's the show. Like you said, at least they put on a grand show. What about you too or you before?

Oh boy, you had to say that you'd be 40. Yeah, I know you hate them. And they play Red Red Wine, right? They open and close with it. They open and close with Red Red Wine. God damn it. That is a tough one. I hate both of them a lot. How about I Hate Red Red Wine?

That's how much you hate that song? I absolutely, I love that song. That's so funny to me. It doesn't seem like the kind of song where somebody could feel those emotions. I just hate it. I hate it. I just hate it. But you also have a colder personality.

That's not true. It's true. You know what I hate about Red Red Wine? I'll tell you why. The one part, because first of all, it is a remake and the fact that it's two fucking dorky white English guys doing it if it infuriates me, number one. And then there's the rap part of the song.

That's the part. I hate that fucking out of time. Because I feel like it's a fake reggae breakdown. It's like a teacher doing a rap part about fucking, you know, geometry or something. Right. It's a fake

flavor part. It's up to us. It's a try and go. Like when they do like try to be connect with the kids. Safety first, guys. You got to look both ways before you cross in the street.

Super, super lame, bro. I don't like it. You know what else we both hate? Oh, Southwestern things. Oh, thematically. Anything Southwestern. Like the aesthetic theme of like, oh, this is a Southwest decor.

Yeah. That's interesting that we both really don't like that. That's one of the few genres I'm not interested in at all. Anything Southwestern. I don't like Southwestern tastes like like their food even. Yeah. And I've had it a lot because I've been through those regions.

I don't like their version of Mexican food. It's too different for me. Yeah, you're right. I don't like, I like Sopa Pias. I do like those. I will say that. Oh, I hate that shit. This pillow. What is that pillow? Yeah, what is it about?

Yeah, terrible. Yeah, I hate this room. Fuck, I hate it. Oh, look how ugly that is. I fucking hate it. Navajo? No, but I mean like doing that. Like that as a, like that making a pattern.

Like, isn't there like a theme? Dude, I don't know. Is that quilted? Is that, you know what I mean? Oh, it's like a tapestry? That's not Southwest. That is like sun thing. Oh, I hate that. You know what I really hate? Our fucking dream catchers.

Is this like, this is like what I meant. Oh, no, you know what I hate most? Horns. Horns for lamps and like dream catchers. I imagine every home in Albuquerque looks like this. Yeah, yeah. And I like downtown Albuquerque. I've been there. You have? I have. I filmed a show down there.

The Hitchhiker show. I spent a while in Albuquerque. I went to a show in Albuquerque. Yeah, it's good. It's good. Albuquerque is great. But then they just tell you how much I hate there. That is garbage. Do that for 10 minutes.

I just want to tell you how much I hate the way things look here. I don't like turquoise either. The stone. And I feel like Southwest like style for like that tie. Bolo tie. Yeah, I think so. I hate those. Those fucking suck.

Now the people are wonderful. Yeah. I'm not putting down the... It's just the style. I'm not interested. Yeah, that is... That is a dog shit look. That tie. That is horrible.

That is terrible. Bolo. Yeah, Bolo tie. That is garbage. It has that bullshit design on the pendant. It's all like Navajo stuff. Yeah, fucking terrible. I mean... I'm going to get you one. Oh, you're right. It is like Navajo.

Yeah, it's Indian stuff. I'm sorry, Native American. Sorry, Native. Well, guess what, Native? Look at that, Native. He's got full necktats and a Bolo. See, that's when you're a badass. He's a white boy though. He's a white boy.

Actually, no, this is a total hipster. It's a hipster that has adopted the Bolo western style. He can do it. Like, he's rockin'. I think I would prefer that we had not just massacred the people, but that style too.

Because that's really bad. When we handed them the blankets full of the pox, we should have also ripped their Bolo ties off their fucking necks. Get your stupid fucking tie off. It's really ugly. Give me your fucking dream catchers too, asshole. I don't like it. It's not cool.

It's neat though to find things you mutually hate as a couple. I don't know if we hate anything quite that much together. Well, Southwestern's our big one. I know we both hate. I mean, we have different preferences in shows. I mean, we'll find... That's when it's exciting to watch a show together, because separately we watch...

Last night I watched that kidnapping show. Did you learn anything? Yeah, it was really fucking intense. About how to kidnap or how to be a hostage? No, I watched the first episode of that hostage to show on Netflix. It was about the Lucasville prison riots

and how the prisoner took over and held the guards captive and it was really... Man, which I'm surprised that doesn't happen a lot. It's so terrifying what happened there and they have so much footage and photos of it and the testimony that

you can't help but be... You realize that has to be literally one of the worst imaginable things is what happened there, which is super, super violent guys. Like, the worst of the worst guys take over a prison.

They murdered a bunch of... It was a bunch of retaliation that, you know, scores were settled amongst prisoners first. Then they... Which is interesting that they prioritize that way. So you mean to tell me they kidnap the guards?

Well, at first they... Couple guards were like beaten down. And then within moments, one of the prisoners got to the control board, opened all the the, you know,

whatever, the cells and they started rioting. In the midst of the riot prisoners were killing other prisoners, right? Like, they're like that guy... Right, so now you think... Now you'd think that your priority as a prisoner

when there's a moment is to escape. Look, the buttons have been pushed. We're at the control, but number one is retaliation. So that's interesting. Yeah, it's interesting. So they murdered nine other prisoners were murdered within this

prison and then they tied up the guards and then they had a list of demands and the prison was trying to negotiate with them. Here's one thing that was interesting. There's a manual

that the prison has about how to negotiate with prisoners if there's ever a situation like this and the prisoners found it. You're kidding. So they were the negotiator that the prison used

like the actual prisoner was reading the manual and knew when they were doing tactics...Hilarious. Brilliant. Anyways, so they're trying to stall because the whole idea of the negotiation tactic that the administration was using

was to basically break them down. So they cut off the electricity, cut off the water and it was like, wear them down. That's how you'll win this negotiation. The guy goes, I know what you're doing. They have all the reported calls and he's like, I know what you're fucking doing, stalling

and saying my name over and over. I know that shit. And then he said, if you don't fucking like, whatever, meet this demand in three and a half hours, we're going to kill a guard. Ugh. Oh my god.

Whatever. The administration, the police didn't believe him and they were like, we got to do it. So they killed a guard. Whoa. And then they tossed his body out on the yard. Damn. I just asked, but then these guys,

the other guys that didn't get killed, the guards, they were held captive there for nine days. Imagine that. Well, like hardcore pedophiles, murders, rapists, really, really savage dudes. Yeah. And he said like the mind stuff, like the mind games,

like one guy had an aluminum bat and he would just tap it on the ground. He was like, we're going to split your head all over that room. Oh my god. And he would tap it at different rates. Oh my god. There's not enough money in the world to get me to work in a prison.

I know. I'd rather collect, I don't know, dirty diapers. I'd rather smell your butt all day. Yeah. God, this water is so good. Where's your water? I kind of feel like that Where's your water? The last few moments have been so

entertaining that we need to find something boring. Where's your water? Wait, international continues to ship screed saver machines all around the world. No. I've recently delivered a screed saver max machine to one of our newest customers

true concrete solutions located in Michigan. What is unique about this delivery is that most of our customers take a somewhat more conservative approach to practice with their new machine and train their operators. How boring is that? Sean Richards and his extremely hard-working

crew of seven guys The voiceover is boring. They decided that they would take the screed saver max machine for 1,400 yards of concrete. Oh my God, I'm going to kill myself. The first day of machine delivery and an additional 30,000 square feet

Okay, we got it. I got it. It's fucking boring. I'm not bored. The boom operated high production screed saver max machine for this massive agricultural pit job. The 4,500-pound screed saver max

arrived at the job site on a pickup truck trailer combination and hauling it to driven directly into the pit on a sand-based ramp that would have been prohibitive to a machine delivered on a semi-truck tractor-truck combination. Thank you, Tom. You can shut it off now.

Well, it's just, you know, sometimes you don't believe that something could be boring and we'd like to dig it up and find it for you. The Kubota 35 horsepower diesel engine combined with the considerable screed head down by the curve of a boom operated machine resulted in handling slumps

that ranged from three to six. Oh, my God. I just realized something, too. We had the, the... thing you emailed me. I should bring that up. Yes! Oh, my God. It's so great. Well, there's two things I emailed you that I want you to play. Yeah, that's right. The first one.

Oh, yeah. You got a dad boner. Yeah, so good. It was sent in a few times, so people really like this one. And it's so good. We've been doing dad boner clips for a while now. Glass and dads.

Yeah. I'll start with glasses. Just glasses. And now we have a dad that is glassing about trains. About the specific train. This is from... It's really excited.

I mean, listen to how excited. Okay. Ah. I've been waiting for this moment for months to finally hear. By the way, it's just right now he's seeing a train about to leave a train station. Yeah, yeah. And that's, that is all he's seeing.

That's it. Yeah. So the bell is ringing like it's about to take off. He's like, ah! His dad boner is funny. I'm finally going to get a heritage unit on camera. Yeah! Oh, right. Look at that. 1953.

E8. Oh, yeah. Listen to that bell. God. Yeah. Listen to that bell. Oh, take a look at that. Oh, my God! Ah! Listen to that horn!

Oh, my God! Oh, she's beautiful. She is beautiful. Yeah! Oh, my God. Oh, my... Oh, no. It's a PL-2, too. Oh, the RC-52!

Oh, my God! Oh, look at it watch this. Oh, this is special. This is special. Oh, my God. Oh, that horn gives me the chills. And the chills have absolutely nothing to do

with how cold it is here. Ah! But that doesn't stop a fomer. Oh, especially when it comes to heritage equipment. This is fantastic. Oh, my goodness. Look at that.

I would love to make you sleep with this guy. Oh, no. I don't know. I would love that to happen. You know, like just as punishment. Oh, fuck, that's super funny. That's really crazy. It's good to have something to get this stoked about, you know?

Yeah, he's really stroked. Stoked. I don't get that excited about anything in life. I love when these dads get super pumped about dumb shit. I know, so we've had whale guy. I got a moose. Of course, or hunter.

Or first. Yeah, the hunter guy. I know it was the other one. I'm glassing. No, no, the other one. There's a new one last week. My brain is gone. The whales, the whales, we talked the whales.

It was after that. That's what it was. Oh, yeah, the diamond crowning. Oh, my God. Look at that. Totality. Oh, my God, look at those streamers. Look at the chroma.

Prominences. Prominences. Look at the chrome up. The train guy seemed, I think, to be even way more excited than any of these other dads. Yeah. He didn't really lost his load

seeing those mooring ass trains. Seeing and hearing the horn. And then he tried to come up with a sportscaster's call about it. He was like, the chills have nothing to do with the weather outside. He threw some extra dad flavor on it. Yeah, yeah.

And also, for me personally, I understand getting excited about an eclipse or the whales or catching a moose, hunting a moose. But the train was kind of like, having trains before? Well, he's obviously a train devotee. A train enthusiast, yes.

He really fucking likes trains. It's ridiculous. So crazy. I love these excited dads. I know, I like it too. I like excited dads a lot. Just glass. Glass.

Glass. Can you please play on Twitter today? You won't let me listen to it again. Yeah, there's this guy. Yeah, I wanted to save the excitement about it. So you guys know that the Hey Mommy and Thanks Jeans

obviously have been hugely popular. We get literally fucking dozens every day. It's a movement. But today, a guy sent in one

and I'm trying to pull this up. Here it is, here. This guy is in a car. His name is Jetski Jeff and he's in an Uber. And he decides to just use

show topics like little talking points in his conversation with the Uber driver. It's so ridiculous and fun. We're going top golf right now. Ryan's back there, hindsight.

And we're just going to go golf. We're going to do it for Hitler. We're going to do it for Hitler. We're going to do it for Hitler. Wow. It's such a strong start. It's so crazy if you're the driver to hear that.

We're going to do it for Hitler. One time my mom asked me if she would, you know, if I would date her. You know? What? You know? I was like

maybe I would date my mom. She told me she would date me It is what it is, I guess. This is so not true. My favorite part of that, part of the thing, is just that he's eating.

My mom was like, would you date me? Maybe I would date my mom. It's such a thorough way. I was like maybe I would date my mom. She told me she would date me.

It's true. It is what it is. It is what it is. She wouldn't date me because I was the water champ. She wanted somebody who was a little too hard to hear. Absolute nonsense.

She was a poor woman. What are you talking about? I'm going to stop at this store. We're going to a quick come run. She likes that. I mean where's that light Brian? What's that light?

One of the main things we love doing in Jersey is pup play. Pup play is the best. It's not like a sexual thing but people just like dressing up like dogs. It's a lot.

One a day. There's a lot of pup play going on. We dress up like dogs and we just have fun. Sometimes we go on come runs. It's a part of the pup play. It is what it is. It is what it is.

You figure out who's the most high and tight and who's the most hydrated and it's a lot of fun. Really ridiculous. She's like wow. She's telling this story for sure. She's like what?

She's going to talk about come runs. She's going to date his mom. You there in Jersey. You know. You know. That's what we do. We're at Topgolf right now and we're just going to

we're going to glass here for you. So ridiculous. That was really great. Good job Jet Ski Jeff. That had us laughing. That really made us laugh hard. He's like you know. I was like I don't know.

Maybe I would. Ask them will you ever date your mom? This water is so fresh and clean. Where's your water? Where's your water? A bunch came in. Of course. Good morning.

Welcome to Starbucks. Can I get any breakfast going for you today? Hi mommy. Can I get a succulent Chinese meal? Shout out to your mom's house and a high and tight caramel macchiato with an extra shot of stand-up please.

What? I'm sorry. Can you repeat that please? I didn't understand that. I need a tall hot caramel macchiato with an extra shot of brown. An extra shot of what?

Expresso. Yeah. So it's all hot caramel macchiato with an extra shot of espresso and what else are we getting for you? This is pretty low and loose but can I get this at the kid temperature please because I got some sensitive chompers.

Okay so it's all hot caramel macchiato with an ad shot at kid's temperature. Yeah that's correct. That was... Wow the game was Stanama. It was Stanama. Every week it gets higher

and higher of the game. The game is always evolving. That was like wow. And I thought getting a hey Hitler in there was controversial. Me too man. He threw in and God blesses. Yeah it sounded like you.

Stanama. That was Cory. Good work. Hey Hitler can I get the loaded breakfast burrito? Would you like to make that a combo? You know what I'm just glassing so

can we just keep just the burrito? Sure. You know what I am going to get a medium Coke Zero. Okay. You know what can you make that a large pretty bad bite.

Large is not a problem. Yeah make it a large. That's really funny. This sound kind of weird but are you guys hiring right now? We are taking applications on Snaggid job. Oh you have stuff

is that online? Yes it is. Do you have stuff online like on Facebook or Lincolnden? I know if you go to Snaggid job Lincolnden. There are parties on there and you walk through that.

Oh I see. I was looking. I know LinkedIn is helpful so sorry I know I was random. Sorry can you read that back to me? LinkedIn is helpful. Fucking camp.

You know what let's just make it a meal. I'm sorry can we make it a combo? Sure can. LinkedIn is helpful. I need to wipe down. I think that's it. Oh I see it on the screen here. What's the total?

732. I really like that. Sounds good. Thanks mommy. Talk about a medley. That's Landon. Landon and that was old school. Yeah fucking camp that's an original.

LinkedIn is helpful. I mean he went back in the vaults on the references there. You're a real die hard mommy if you knew some of those. That's really old school. Fucking camp. That is so deep in the sound board.

Fucking camp. That's a girl that has Tourette's by the way if you don't know that reference. And she's talking about camp and she goes sometimes I say swears you know like fucking camp. No she says big words. Oh she says big words.

She goes sometimes I say big words like. Like the word that Christina always says. I don't always say that. Like what she says first thing in the morning. She makes a sign on the cross. Big words. That's the girl that says fucking camp.

For people that don't know. Fucking camp. She's so upset about camp. It's so funny. And then I said these words. These words. Wow that guy really got them all in. Geez.

He also did what's it called. Man. I just saw it. Oh yeah he did. He said I really like that. For the price. So good. LinkedIn is helpful. That was old school too.

I just got so popular doing these. Might as well tell you guys. Man. That we did it. We did it. We did it. Thanks jeans shirt. I'm so proud of it.

It has logos from some of the more popular drive-thru establishments but it has kind of different names on it. So there's burger jeans. Crash in the subway logo. Overpriced coffee.

It says toxic hell. For Taco Bell. It says Farties for Arby's. It says pull out burger for In-N-Out. It says Tina's Chris Jr. For Carl's. Your mom's house for Mickey D's and Tommy's old-fashioned laughs for Wendy's.

And I think she's got a beard it looks like. Here's what we did too because of that shirt snafu. We actually upgraded to a shirt which is the really soft shirts. So this is a really really soft shirt and it says hey mommy.

Thanks jeans. It's a super insider shirt. It's on sale. Check it out. Go to TomSegura.com. Click on the store and the link will take you to our merch page. Anyways it's really cool.

We had a lot of fun designing it. We did. We got a lot of laughs out of this one. We did great about this. Thanks jeans. It's so silly. I feel like if you do these you should buy one. To commemorate your thing. Your journey.

It's absurd. It's so silly. Michael. Hey Hitler can I have a veggie burger for my vegan vagina and just like the guys. You said a veggie burger song?

Yeah veggie burger. No mayonnaise. Just like the guys. Two large fries. Good. Actually would you ever date your son? Make it a one hun.

Just make that one. That was good. A large coke too actually. So just make it a meal you know what I'm saying. And that was a large coke. Okay would that be all for you? Just a minute top dog. I'm just glassing.

What was that? Just glassing for a minute. Let me get a medium water too. I got to stay hydrated. And do you guys have a double pipe classic? The double pipe classic. You might not have it here. That's okay.

It's extremely rare. So I take it you guys probably don't have the Cincinnati fart either. The one hun? The Cincinnati fart? Never mind. That'll do it mommy. Wait a minute.

What's she here? The postinetti tart? That is so fucking funny. It's probably don't have the Cincinnati fart either. The one hun? The Cincinnati fart? Never mind. That'll do it mommy.

Okay sweetheart. It'll be $7.80. Wow. That was brilliant when she says would you ever date your son? Yeah. That was really brilliant. Hey Hitler.

Everybody calling people Hitler is ridiculous. Hey Hitler. Could I get the McFeast meal? The McFeast meal? How much? Normal. Can I get a medium with the water? I want to stay hydrated.

Like mommy Tina. Yes. And then that's it. Blood. $6.26. Great. Thanks jeans. $6.26. I like how they say normal.

This is South African right? I'm not sure. But normal? They don't say super sized or not normal. Good job Ken. Wow. Really good work.

Hey mommy do you have the 50 piece nugget meal? In that case can I get two 20 piece nuggets and a handler would you want? Big Mac. Any birthday night? Can I get honey mustard please?

Anything else? Hold on I'm just glassing. Let me get a large fry. I like that. That's the logical standard response now. It's just glassing. To when they go is anything else.

I'm just glassing. Yeah it kind of worked out nicely that way. It seems like everybody who's on the other end of that goes like okay. Now hey Hitler is also kind of a natural greeting. But it's really interesting that

you would never think that anyone would call you. But I don't think we'll have a shirt for that. People have asked and I'm like I don't know if we should really. I think we'll leave Hitler alone. I think that's it so I'm not fat like Bert. Can I get a total please?

I love when people say that. Okay thanks jeans bye. That's B Manley and this is Jimmy. Hey jeans that smoked butterscotch can you get that in the venti? Yeah can I get that high and tight? That's how mommy likes it

so I'm gonna have to get it that way. No thank you. That was silly. Short and sweet and silly. And he said high and tight and she's like yeah. Yeah. That's Jimmy. Thanks Jimmy. Good job. Now the 50 piece nugget

how long that lasted? That sounds disgusting. It sounds like a lot. It's too much. I like a nugget. Don't get me wrong but 50 is too much. Thanks I'll just glass for a minute. No worries. Alright I'm done glassing.

In your buckets what quantities do they come in? Are you talking chicken? Yeah chicken yeah. On its own we do pieces of 5, 9, 12, 15, 21 but in like the family we have buckets and stuff we have the mega piece which is 12

and then the mega bucket which is 15. No I don't want to be fat like Bert. Okay so did you say a 12? Is that one of it? Yeah so are there any chips or anything? No I don't want to be skinny like Tom. So yeah just a 12 bucket

it'll be cool. So 12 pieces. And full of sauces do you do any mushy purples? No sorry. Um yeah I think that'll be it I'd say. No worries. Drive on through. Okay thanks mommy.

That was great. That's Dave. Good job Dave. And I like the use of subtitles there. Breaking it down for us. He's like they don't know what these accents are going on. That's true. Hey mommy can I get a large cheeseburger meal

with frozen cake? Can I get another plate? Uh press another cheeseburger. You're still thinking that I was watching? Yep that's it. Thanks James. Press and a maze.

We can't keep up with them now. No we can't there's too many. It's funny. I gotta get the shirt to commemorate the movement. It's so funny. God damn. We're building the wall. We're gonna keep the motherfuckers out.

That's my favorite thing. My favorite thing of the year so far. Yeah I know you don't like it. Building the wall. Told y'all the wall was coming. Told y'all. We're running the industry now. We're running the industry now.

I love it so much. Shit man. What's this here? I think I have to shit. Is this you? You didn't even hear me. Look it's me. It's me drinking water on stage.

Look. That's in Atlanta. Look at that. Spiking a bottle. I've done that too. That's just for show. Where's your water now? Interesting we've been shooting this show for the last time. Tom seriously. Tom where's your water right now?

Let's watch it again. They're drinking all that water. Tom. Tom. Tom. Excuse me but where's your water right now? Here's the thing. I talked to a doctor and he told me I drank so much water.

I actually need to dial it back a little bit. I have a refreshing glass right here and I don't see yours. Isn't that something? You know what you're definitely not? Interesting. The memory champ. Why? Because your memory sucks. Yeah so what? I never sleep anymore.

Once you have a kid it's gone. I just wanted to say there's just one more thing. You're the memory champ. Fine. I'm the personality champ? No you're not. The water champ? No. Everybody knows that. No.

No. What else? I'm the smile champ. My teeth are much better than yours. The doctor said so. The doctor gave me an A. What was your grade? February 9th.

At the House of Blues in Las Vegas. If you live in Vegas holler at your boy. If you're planning a trip to Vegas. That week it's going to be a lot of fun. Come on out. House of Blues man.

I'm bringing the full charge. It'll be a good time. That Sunday, February 12th we are doing the podcast live at the Irvine Improv in California. Two shows.

We're going to do two different podcasts live. 7 and 9. The 7 o'clock is sold out. So we added a 9 o'clock. And then that one, Yoshi Obayashi

is joining us. That'll be really fun. If you've never heard the Yoshi episodes and you're around you should come see him live. So get him now. My tour continues. If you go to ThompsonGurra.com slash tour

you can get tickets. I know a bunch of shows have sold out. I think Edmonton sold out. I don't know if Calgary still has tickets. I'm doing Huntington, New York which is Long Island. Montclair. Atlantic City. All of them are like right on the verge of selling out if they're not sold out. Vancouver

sold out a couple in Chicago. We added a show in Detroit for a look. And we added a show in Boston. So get tickets now or you'll miss out. ThompsonGurra.com slash tour. Jeans.

Alright, in addition to February 12th with my lover, my Paramore Tom. February 17th, I'm at the Hollywood Improv headlining that show. My friend Marilyn Rice Cub is joining Steve Simone. Hold on. Oh, February 18th

Harper's Comedy Club headlining that to the next night. April 13th through 15th Brea Improv. May 4th through 5th Phoenix, Arizona. Stand Up Live May 19th through 20th JewdorkTitties. Gotham Comedy Club June 1 through 3rd

I've just added Denver. Denver Comedy Works. Downtown Brothers. When is that? June 1st through 3rd. Come see me in Denver and then June 16th through 17th to find Disco at the Punchline Comedy Club. Tickets at

ThousandRanch.com That's it. I love it. Alright. That's a fun show, Jeans. Yeah. We should get going. Okay. You want to go get some Korean food? Fuck, I'm dying.

Please, hurry. Let's go. Alright, thank you guys for listening. Check out your mom's house podcast.com and we'll be back again next week. We love you. We thank you. Goodbye, Jeans. Bye, mommies. Thank you.

Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck. I keep laughing. Fuck, fuck, fuck, it's me. I keep bleh. Fuck, fuck, fuck, it's me. Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck. Fucking his mouth.

That thing is mouth. That thing is mouth. That thing is mouth. That thing is mouth. That thing is mouth. That thing is mouth. That thing is mouth. That thing is mouth.

That thing is mouth. That thing is mouth. That thing is mouth. That thing is mouth. That thing is mouth. That thing is mouse. It's mouse. That thing is mouse.

That thing is mouse. That thing is mouth. That thing is mouth. That thing is mouth. That thing is mouth. That thing is mouth. That thing is mouth. That thing is mouth.

That thing is mouth. That thing is mouth. That thing is mouth. That thing is mouth. That thing is mouth. That thing is mouth. That thing is mouth. That thing is mouth.

That thing is mouth. That thing is mouth. That thing is mouth. That thing is mouth. That thing is mouth. That thing is mouth. That thing is mouth. That thing is mouth.

That thing is mouth. That thing is mouth. That thing is mouth.