Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura - 383-Your Mom's House with Christina Pazsitzky and Tom Segura

Episode Date: February 15, 2017

When someone goes on strike you know they mean business. This lady is going on strike for something so important we can't actually spell out what it is (It's Gross and comes out of a man's penis).  We step in to Studio G with Super Dad Nerd, G.  We wear our awesome new Pup Masks as we are always heightening our sense of smell.  Plus absolutely AMAZE music from so many of you. We're putting Bitsy on a diet and SO much more.  Thanks, Jeans. 

Yeah, 5,000 ranch, baby, about to put this down, young Patreon, put that down, young Patreon, put that down, get it, get it, what? Just slippin' along this meadow, mate We been slippin' along this big huge battle This glass and I hear air at day This glass, this glass, this glass, this glass I'ma put that moose right on his ass Ain't you heard, this is how I glass Holy cow! Holy cow is right

My fucker said goodnight Pull back my string and set my sight Send my arrow into flight I got a really bad blade 20 seconds I'ma lose my shit You ever seen the moose go down that quick, nah I'm about to marry my dad, what you know about that, boy? Best dad boner I done ever had

I'm a self-trained punk, tryna sniff my dad Some smell of his piss, a scent of his ass A few loads of cum, cause you know that I'm bad Ain't got no tail, put that plug in my ass You're just like the gays When you marry your dad, you got me comin' on his balls Had a double five glass, I came over all F-A-R-T

Diamonds in the crevice of your pussy Biggin' vaginas, do you know how much money my smile is? I got a really bad bag, got a really bad bite Call me ducktail by the end of the night Just slippin' along this meadow, mate We've been slippin' along this big huge bad hole Just glassin' out here every day Let's glass, let's glass, let's glass, let's glass

I'ma put that moose right on his ass Ain't you heard, this is how I glass I see your dick hang lower than the boughs Yeah, tell the truth now, yeah I'm the water champ like a waterfall With a perrier, I'ma drink it all How you feelin' bout this? Before you hit the shower, get away from your pit

I like my hand, my slang and love Now you can shit in my mouth with a hand, my call Let's glass, let's glass, let's glass I got a moose, let's glass, let's glass I got a moose, let's glass, let's glass I got a moose, let's glass, let's glass Let's glass, let's glass, let's glass I got a moose

There you go That is, of all the songs we played on this show I would say that is one of the most beloved People have just been tweeting and e-mailing about it I absolutely love the closing song Young Patreon and How I Glass produced by Chef That was, yeah, I mean, I got so many messages Particularly, we get a lot of songs

But my goodness, that closed out in the last episode I think 382, and I keep getting messages about it Yeah, it's really, and that's rare Just like a double pipe classic Way to go, Young Patreons, thank you for doing that Let's glass, let's glass Is that tilted? It's a camera, yeah

It looks tilted It's tilted, right? It looks a little, yeah Let me see, hold on That's weird But the framing looks Not tilted, you know? It's not leaning?

Alright It looks okay though, right? Like when you look at it I guess, I can't really tell It's tilted too, it's tilted down Okay, alright No, they're tilted down Alright, quick, listen to this

For all my audio files here So you remember like a month ago When the computer took a shit? Yeah And it turns out, like it showed no output There was, I took it to Apple I had to replace the logic board Yeah

I just went to set, because I work with two computers now Same thing, no output again So weird Yeah, and I had it plugged in And it was just doing like some crazy noise So I think the logic board is shot again But I don't understand how that's happening I don't know, you've bad luck with technology

Yeah, but I mean, all I did was just plug into it I don't know, dude You know what, my speaker on my phone is acting up I can't hear as well Yeah, but you're getting older I like it really loud, my phone You're like, I don't even know what you're saying right now I am getting older

I feel as though there's like, by the end of the day I can't compute what you're saying to me like yesterday You were trying to explain to me about keys And the door and which keys go in the thing And I was like, babe, babe, save it for tomorrow Yeah, you give up at a certain point I think by 8.40, I'm in my jammer No, by 8 o'clock I'm in my pajamas

Yeah Hey, excuse me And then 9 o'clock it's lights out Schnitzel, excuse me By the way, Schnitzel weighs about 10 pounds more than she did But before we moved here She's enormous Why is she so big?

Look at that Is the heat on in here? No It's not, right? No It feels warm Well, it's hot out today It's hot out, yeah

First time in a while Yeah, hashtag bitsy's fat What are they seeing? They're freaking out Who knows Nothing as usual They're reflections Hold on one second What you doing, Schnitzel?

Come here, fatty Come here Let's see how fat you are Come here, baby Bitsy, come here, Bitzel Come here Look how fat she is She's huge

But we're not being an asshole She's gonna lick your straw for sure It's because of the baby It's because of the baby So we were looking through pictures this morning And back in October Bitsy was like in the background Of one of the pictures with LJ

And she was significantly thinner Yeah And what's happening is She's eating all of LJ's food What he drops Whatever he He takes food, throws it And he, you know, spills over

She is the vacuum cleaner We gotta keep her out of the kitchen I don't know, but see, here's the problem Is that I'm lazy And I like that we don't have to clean up the floor No, babe Why? They're nature's cleaners

That's why you get dogs So you don't have to clean the floor after you're a toddler Big dogs She's wild She's like a little bird dog She should way Yeah, she's a bird on four legs She's like stilt

Well, because you're like We're the only people that have a 30-pound Brussels Come on, she's too big How much should she weigh? Max 15 She doesn't weigh 30 No, what do you think she actually weighs? Probably like 18 or something

And she's a sturdy dog Like, they're not weak little dogs, Brussels But she's definitely We gotta curb it She's struggling to jump on the couch She's like, two, three She does like It looks like she has an OCD

Because she takes like five shots at it Before she does it No One, two, three, four, five No, I try I can't I can't Well, here's what I'm gonna do

Because I'm not gonna stop her eating the table scraps Because where are we gonna lock them out of the kitchen? Then they're gonna go shit all over the house You know how they are So I think what I'm gonna have to do is Like half her dry food Just half that So that she can just eat the scraps

You know, what are we gonna do? And I don't wanna clean the floors, do you? No, of course So this is the obvious solution Cut back the kibble, let her eat people's food It's not a bad solution How is Feef not fatter though? Because he eats the same shit

And he's usually quick on the draw He's super quick But I think she's beating him all the time I think she's Because she's a little more savvy about food consumption She sits right under his high chair Like right there And then Feef is kind of off to the side a little

Like he chills Yeah They're always looking Like right now they're looking for crumbs They don't know what's going on Should we do a proper show open? Oh shit, yeah, I forgot Let's do it

Here we go It's just like the gays Ladies, I wanna do a video about Gays and their crumbs This fuckin' lady Guards are one of you Don't bring anyone lovin' to this Welcome

Welcome to your mom's house With Tom Segura With Tom Segura And Christina Perzitzi Christina Perzitzi Welcome to your mom's house So weird I don't know

That's odd I can't I don't know I don't know Don't ask me I just What's really annoying Is that the

That this one just stopped working This one, all the audio is like This is the The treasure chest of audio drops This is all the original everything Right And I just had the logic board replaced For that issue

And now it's fucked again It's so weird Yeah Do you think it is And this is so stupid And this is such like A person who doesn't know about technology Saying something

So don't get mad at me I'm not mad at you Do you think it's plugging in And plugging out a lot Like the sound Because we're always plugging and unplugging Like do you think the constant pulling Of a thing in and out

Of the porthole or whatever does it I don't think that should cause a problem But yes, I think that's possible It wears something down maybe over time I don't fuck I don't know You're cute though, I love you I just plugged in

Thank you, I love you too Very handsome, man Thank you It's Valentine's Day It is Valentine's Day As we record this I talked to my dad today He goes, buddy

You got your mom The card's in the flower And there you go And there you go He goes, yeah, she tells me not to But I'll tell you something And when ladies say Don't worry

Don't get me anything They don't mean it They don't They generally don't That's absolute truth But he's also been saying that to me For like 30 years But your mom is the type that she

Actually secretly wants stuff Of course She won't ever be like Don't get me anything This year I'm telling you I got nothing I got nothing too You can be upset with me

I'm not upset I've done nothing for you Absolutely Listen I got you a baby I got you a baby So that's the present That's it

No, I don't You know, I think you and I Celebrate Valentine's Day All year long Quite, and I mean that Quite honestly that I feel as though you and I Have a good thing going 365

So if it's one day that I just don't like being told What to do I don't like being told That we have to love each other Don't tell me nothing Yeah I ate the pussy and ass

You guys are always wanting us to Love their cum To just love licking it And having other bodies And swallowing it Guys, are you dating? So weird that she makes these videos Guys, why don't you love their cum?

I'm always wanting you to talk about their cum She kind of sounds like a muppet Or something, right? Like Sesame Street Yeah No, and here's the thing I know that there's Beethoven And Mozart's over

And Tchaikovsky over her shoulder She's super culture Super culture Guys, what's she talking about? They're cum Yeah, it's so... Anyway, she's got great teeth But the thing is

She does have nice teeth And all the men that I've been with And it's been a lot Yeah So many cocks I don't know of any guys that have been like I want you to really enjoy my cum I need you to swallow it, love it,

Lap it up, let me put it I don't know who this bitch is dating Jesus She's dating some real fucking animals Yeah That's clear Yeah, like what kind of guy Are you dating only like

What is it, Tinder hookups? She fucks a lot Somebody, did we find out this story with her? Remember, because we had her video Yeah We played her another clip she did Where she was looking I'm rubbing cum on the room, man

I think she was married And then got divorced And then went on a cum So now she's on one of these apps Probably just banging out randos I think so She's really jumping on those Ds, man That same guy will never even touch his own cum

Or taste his own cum Why would he do that? This happens so many times It's so important Yeah, it's really important So important that guys That guys are avoiding their cum And that bothers you

Do you avoid yours? I mean, I guess to a certain degree I don't know, I don't avoid it No, I mean I'm not repulsed by it But you know, you want to clean it up, right? Yeah, I'm not repulsed by it either It's a non-issue Yeah

Going to taste it like she just Right Like that's a problem for her And guys are like, oh no, I don't want to taste it Yeah, well I guess her point is You want me to taste it, that's a big deal I taste it, why don't you taste your cum But not all guys want her to taste it

She's in a very specific wheelhouse right now Yeah, she's mean Some guys just want to get it out of them And they don't care if you taste it They're like, just get it out I don't care if you taste it Yeah I mean, why do you have to, you don't have to taste it

I mean, I know that some people that's there You know Yes Well there are some guys who like to taste their own Sure, that too But I'm saying that where it would be an issue Yeah Like this

Yeah, she's making a big deal I'm rubbing it in and I swallow it I do all the stuff with it But that same guy, if his hand accidentally brushes Against his cum on my body He's like, oh, what's that? Oh, well then he's an asshole I think she's fucking really young guys

Right That's good for you But I think she's fucking really young guys Like teenagers that are like, oh Like she's saying that that's kind of like a guy being like Oh, my cum is gay, like touching your own cum is gay It's what it kind of sounds like And it sounds very juvenile

Still dumb She's fucking college guys So again, salute But, you know I don't think most like 40-year-old guys Are gonna dump on her And be like, ugh I don't want to touch it at me

I'm scared of it now And if I swallow it, come in and kiss him He's like, no, no She's fucking young guys Yeah Yeah Does that bother you? I don't think you care

You don't care about anything Nothing fazes you at all You're probably The least fazable of all the dudes I've ever been Which is probably why we're married Because nothing fazes you Like I could probably just take a shit On and around in and around your mouth

Like Danny Like Danny and you'd be like, yep Like you just roll with it Yeah, definitely I'm ready to go Never care Ready to go Ready to go, Karen

Trish It's Trish now We haven't mentioned that on the live show But not... I guess we should park for a second And tell everybody Holy shit, thank you for coming to the live show Oh my god

Two back-to-back podcasts in Irvine So fun Sold out Amazing crowds Second one had Yoshi One of our All-time Hall of Fame guests Yoshi Obayashi and

That show got wild by the way That was such... That might be our... We're filthy, that might be our filthiest show ever Yeah Between the content Like the drops Yoshi

Having a microphone Audience members Wink wink It was a fucking Disgust fest But it was really fun It was super fun But I feel like they wanted to go on that journey

Of course It was a mutual thing Whose house is it? Right, to my house Fuck yeah, man Do what we want It was fun It was really fun

And just so that everybody knows people have asked Both shows will be available for download I think the first... We're gonna do the early show In a week or two And then the late show will come out A week or two later And they won't be in place of regular episodes

They will be in addition to Yeah, it's like a bonus Yeah, this won't replace the regular Programming Right, so one of the revelations we had At the live show Is that Bobby and Karen Is now...

It's different Yeah, Bobby and Karen Were our... What's it called? Role play names When we make love And I pick you up at a bar And you smoke still at the bar

And I'm like, hey I play Bobby You play Karen And we do it And I throw you out And Bobby's kind of a rebel You know, he drives a fucking GTO And he's just like

You don't give a fuck, you know He's probably got a few families In different cities I mean, I wouldn't call them families He's got kids In different cities and states But that's who I am I'm Bobby

You're Bobby And you're never... I can't ever expect you to be monogamous Or faithful Or call me regularly Or even text back Of course not No, no, no, no

That's Karen, by the way No, yeah Karen and Karen always want to change Bobby Well, I always thought of Karen More like a dump truck Like she was just like Just like so happy to have Even a moment of attention

You know, and then And she was willing to take the abuse Like didn't have any idea That I feel like Trish Is a little higher up on the... She's self-respect Yeah, and Trish thinks that maybe She can get Bobby

To be an upstanding Well, why we started with Karen Is that I was drinking wine And you were like, oh, I like that wine breath Like that's a real trashy girl That's a Karen breath And that's how that started And then I...

That's right, it was wine breath It was wine breath And that's like bar breath You know, it smells really nice And then... And then I left a note on your car Because we were leaving in place And we were parked in the same parking lot

And I saw your car And I thought it would be funny To put a note on there Yeah I don't even remember what I was like Hey, you want a date? Yeah, Trish Call me Trish

You just changed it on the spot I changed it on the spot But just the name changed Changed my game But it changed mine too Because Trish is a little more confident You know what I'm saying? Like Trish goes after the guy she wants

She wants Bobby And... She ain't gonna get him She ain't gonna land him But Bobby might text her Every now and then Maybe he'll be like, I'm up You down to fuck

Right But Karen doesn't even get that Karen's gotta go find him in the bar Absolutely He would never pursue Karen No Yeah, he's just like about to go to sleep And Karen walks into him

And he's like, alright Trish is like her game's elevated I think you have a little more respect for Trish A little bit But I mean, I have more respect For everybody than Karen, you know Yeah, I know Karen's a dump truck, like you said

Fucking mop, yeah Yeah, just a come mop What do you say to Karen when we're done? Get out Shut up and get out Yeah Now you say that to Trish But Trish will push back on you

Yeah Trish will be like, you fucking get out You fucking get out, yeah And he's like, haha And kind of... They laugh and they... They're kind of equals Oh, Karen, Karen, I mean it

Yeah, and Karen goes Get out Oh, okay, and Karen leaves Karen is her Yeah Yeah, you're right That's Karen This is Karen

Yeah And she's like, oh my god, slow it And I'm like, get the fuck out of here Yeah Yeah This girl is a total Karen She's no self-respect She's making videos

And her name is Karen I'll shit my pants So here's the thing I think we should go on strike against cum Oh, what a... What a neat movement What the fuck is wrong I'm so proud of you

What a neat idea, lady Come strike She's so proud of herself For coming up with that So here's the thing I think we should go on strike against cum A cum strike And we as in what?

All women She's talking on behalf of all the women Am I right, ladies? She's rallying I really do think this applies Like the only people that are going to stand with her Are like high school college girls, you know Right

Because this is not an issue for grown women For women This is like the age where you still read Cosmopolitan magazine And you're talking about doing the cum run Stuff like that When you're a grown ass woman You don't care about cum

Fuck me in the shower, yeah Yeah, fam, blood I, from now on, I'm only going to swallow the cum Of a man Or put on my body to cum of a man Who is willing to touch it Or kiss me afterward No shit, dummy

Okay By the way Karen needs to raise her fucking standards To make it clear for people not seeing this She's not, you know, a teen or a 20 This lady is like What do you, what would you guess? Mid-40s

At best At best, yeah She's, you're right She's newly divorced And she's like discovering the world of cum A young d, yeah Yeah Yeah

Go on If he's not willing to touch this cum I won't either I'm so proud of you Wow What a brave stance Yeah God, this is the Martin Luther King of our era here

Right The Rosa Parks, the cum world Okay, that men hate their cum It's ridiculous And they gotta just love their cum Before I'm gonna like it Oh, wow Wow

This is like all those Instagram things Where it's like Women, you gotta love yourself first Yeah It's a lot of those I love how sophisticated this lady is I mean, look at the artwork here Yeah

The bicycle She plays, obviously I mean, there's Bach There's, what, Beethoven Another art, yeah, the bike She's probably active and Yeah, she's skinny She's a sophisticated lady

And she's like I'm striking against cum You dummy Yeah I know, it's a stupid cause There's other things happening in the world In case you hadn't noticed Yeah, I know

She's worried about her fucking cum strike right now Cum strike I'm on strike against cum Yeah, then don't date guys that But then don't date those guys I know It's so weird Date someone else, Karen

She's Karen She's dating She's dating Bobby's And she's upset about it Then don't date Bobby's Don't date Bobby There's all kinds of other shit you can do besides Bobby

Grow up a little bit Speaking of cum The 50 Shades of Grey movie We were scrolling through the films The iTunes movies God And we were like Cause I'm gonna watch it eventually

We should make a point about this first First, you know, obviously that book first came out And it was a worldwide phenomenon, right? Every woman Yeah Bought this book in the world it felt like And then there was such anticipation about the casting Of the original thing

Right, right, right And the build up And then, oh my god, the movie's coming out People thought this is gonna be on par with The dramatic following And the, you know, the excitement around that book And that movie, I was like, you know what? This book is such a hit

I didn't read the book But I'll see this movie Yeah, of course You have to A pile of shit Terrible movie Terrible Well, I'll tell you a little secret

Cause I read the book Yeah To me, the book is a pile of shit too Really? Yeah, it was like, you know I did an episode about the whole thing On that seat, bro The first movie in the book, okay?

So if you wanna listen to it It's in the back catalog somewhere But I, it's not even S&M It's like, and it's childish Like there's sexuality The girls are virgin in the book And that's her, and then the movie too And it's her first time having sex with him

And she has like five orgasms Like shit like that We're like, okay The first time you had sex She had five orgasms Yeah, right Right, right And like, it's not even, I don't know

And apparently, it just seems, it's very childish The whole fantasy of being rescued by this guy My cousin loves it Like, who loves it Some women, this is really, this is in their wheelhouse It's the strong man who does everything for you Takes care of you Maybe that's, that's part of it, I don't know

Who knows, man, I don't know I just remember that Here's my criticism of that movie It was just so boring The story was so lame I mean Nothing happened Yeah, there was, the stakes weren't there

No It was just, you could see that like, yeah This young impressionable girl And the successful, you know, good looking guy And you're like, okay And then Yeah When he would kind of play with her

It wasn't, you didn't go like, oh shit It was like, oh, yeah Really, that's crazy She's just getting whipped again Yeah And then the whole thing was like Will she or won't she sign his SNM contract Yeah

And then she does the end And you're like, wow Wow Big fucking deal The second part The second one And just the trailer Makes no sense

It makes no sense It looks like they cut together Some of their favorite shots Right She's beautiful That girl's really, they're both good looking people Yeah But it's the same song

They just redid it Got me looking so crazy right now Yeah And then That makes no sense And then the rating for Rotten Tomatoes It got a nine A nine percent

Yeah Which only Single digit is fucking It's bad You're a Vin Diesel movie Vin Diesel, I think, scored a seven percent, right? Not a lot of single digit Not a lot

I mean, you see them, you know, teens means you're garbage And again Yeah You can disagree with, obviously, a bunch of critics But when that many say it's a turd Yeah It's pretty bad Well, single digit

Single digit means 90 percent The people that saw that movie and reviewed it Were like, this sucks Yeah, it's too bad Because it's a hugely successful franchise Yeah Well, the book You know, it's one of those books

It's funny I'm surprised I couldn't do it Yeah, I don't know, man It's definitely a turd Well, in the book It's really just sex scene, sex scene, sex scene He's chasing after her Sex, sex, sex, you know

Yeah But like SNM But it's not even SNM No From what I understand about that community That is like SNM light Oh, my God It's like Housewife SNM

Blindfolding her Yeah, super lame She's like, oh Yeah It was like when you watch those lame-ass Skin-a-max movies Totally 100 percent

This thing is so stupid And they're humping like super fast And they're like, oh And then they're like porno girls Doing soft core So they're terrible actors Yeah And they're like, what?

Yeah And then that's, it's terrible It's terrible Terrible We saw a good one though Yeah We saw Nocturnal Animals Nocturnal Emissions, yeah

Nocturnal Emissions That was great Which Tom Ford directed The designer The famous designer Who knew? I had no idea that guy was making movies Well, he did A Single Man

Which was a really good movie Have I seen that? I think so It's a really good movie I don't remember You ever saw A Single Man? I don't remember I think you did

Julian Moore, remember? Yeah, I like her Yeah, yeah, it's really good Okay This was, man I was more impressed that he wrote this That's astounding It was such a great script

Great movie Interwoven stories Great Jake Gyllencox in it It was just horribly unattractive Yeah And Amy Adams Apples in it Like her

She's really good Like her Yeah It was really good High recommendation on that one I mean, it's entertaining You know, it's a Suspenseful

I liked it I liked the gene Yeah, I did too And the accountant we watched that last week We forgot to mention that one Yeah That was good too The accountant

Yeah, that was pretty interesting The guy was like Asperger Yeah Is that what he had? Yeah, he had Asperger Autism Yeah Well, Asperger is a form of autism

Right Yeah Right I think a more mild, you know, on the scale Yeah Right, like they're socially somewhat functional, right? Yeah, yeah Just like they're not as good

Asperger's not as good as picking up on social cues As somebody that's not on the, you know, the spectrum Yeah Compared to somebody with like really strong I think there's a few comics with Asperger's That we've known over the years Oh, for sure Yeah

For sure Absolutely Well Yeah Would you ever date your mom? I would date my mom It's so horrible that I don't get to enjoy all these I don't get to play my drops today

Because of that fucking techno Oh, that's right I can't play that So we don't have any drops today We do have some, but I don't have that one I mean All right, see your sex, Sam Oh, God

We're live inside Studio G We're waiting for Facebook now to catch up Studio G Can I tell you something? Speaking of Asperger's Yeah I would not be surprised if Garth is on the spectrum You think so?

Yes Why? This is what I haven't been able to put my finger on That's wrong, that's off about him If you watch how he talks And how he is He is not emotionally connected to anything he says It's all affect

I'm telling you Oh, that's interesting Yeah, remember when he was We watched a video of him with the birthday cake I don't know if we're going to be seeing that That's this Right, well we'll watch Just watch his

There's not a genuine emotional connectedness to him Even when he was being interviewed by Was it Barbara Walters And he was like, it's just like sex It was very, it seemed rehearsed Like this is what people say This is a shocking thing that people say Oh, really?

I wouldn't be surprised He seems real phony baloney He has There's a room here that they've called Inside Studio G He's such a dad boner He's like the most famous dad boner For sure that there is

Yeah He's like the chairman and CEO Dad boner Yeah Empire dad boner And then over here Studio G love one another Oh boy

It's big phony See what I'm saying though It's like he checks off all the boxes Of what it is to be a successful country star Yeah Love it I love everybody I love my fans

Thank you for joining me Yeah It's bullshit Yeah, it's kind of bullshit Welcome to Inside Studio G See? The music is first here And I like it that way

Really cool Yeah He's like But that's why we think he's funny I think he's kind of autistic I wouldn't be surprised Well, that's not why we think he's funny Because he's autistic

Well, because there's something not connecting I'm saying he's weird That's Well, yeah, that's a different way We picked up on something That's definitely weird Yeah, but he's not autistic I think he's

Yeah, something's doing Something's weird about him for sure I like it that way Yeah He's a little uncomfortable Yeah He's almost like this is a bad idea Or this is poorly executed

Maybe that's what it is All his social media stuff is poorly executed It's just like if you told your dad To stop doing social media Yeah That's why it's funny Because he doesn't He's uncomfortable almost doing it

Yeah Well, it's too contrived For social media You've got to be way looser, bro Yeah Like there doesn't need to be a Studio G Even this room doesn't feel like a studio Because there's just three things hanging

And a desk But like a small child's desk That he's sitting on With nothing on it So it feels like they just Put stuff in a room And they're like, this is Studio G Yeah

It is I got He's annoyed See that Is that supposed to happen? Is this supposed to happen? Happy birthday He's irritating you

Happy birthday to you Happy birthday Oh my So that's his lady She comes in with a birthday cake She's looking fat His woman? Hell yeah

That's his woman? Yeah Dude, she's gained some weight Yeah, I know Well, you know, Burt lost his stuff And someone else got to put it on Set out happens That's how weight loss goes

Dude, she does not look cute You think he's irritated right there? Yeah Like he's staring up like Yeah When the knock happened Was that supposed to happen? He didn't like

Is that supposed to happen? Oh, that's the real guy Yeah, that's the guy He doesn't want his fans to see Yup, that's the guy who If you're waiting on him Yeah And you bring the wrong dish

That's the real guy Yeah There's Garth You bring the wrong thing at the table Uh-oh This full beard doesn't work on him I think it looks great actually Really?

I mean, I like beards Yeah, that's true Is that not fantastic? Man, when you're married to the bomb This is what you like get on your That's a gorgeous cake Fat chick, what are you talking about? She's Husky Trish

Isn't that her name, Trish? Trish, yeah Trish was so cute Trish got Husky No, she definitely got bigger Damn It's a good life, man, you know It is a good life

Shit So I remember his body Awesome show Woo Okay Uh, inside Studio G Is that supposed to happen? Oh, hey

I have a question for you You have a mem- Oh, an Ask Garth? Sweetness We'll cut to that, actually Okay So he calls them an Ask Garth And then he does a little

Sweetness It's a dad move Is that an Ask Garth? Sweetness Can we see that move again? Sweetness He's such a fucking dad I have this question for you

You have a mem- Oh, an Ask Garth? Sweetness We'll cut to that, actually Okay Yeah, he does not want to be doing this But you can see Watch what happens right here

When he gets ready to play this You're gonna love this little part Right here where he lights everybody up Right at the right time Watch this Okay Woo Just the instant cut

What? Yeah He's the guy that brings them to their feet There it is See what happens when he does that? He does great at it Yeah Okay

Cool Jesse says Well, Love is Out He's someone who I'm good with And he's so annoying We just won't be sponsoring one of the We won't be talking about one of the positions Jesse says well Love is behind the scenes stuff

Thank you It's pretty cool Yeah, it is cool Jesse says Well, Love is Out Well, it's that We're gonna have an Instead Studio G We just won't be sponsoring one of the We won't be talking about one of the positions

Jesse says Well, Love is behind the scenes stuff Thank you It's pretty cool, man What I find also is people It's cool to me Start texting me You're telling me stories about how during the show They'll start to watch the crew

Which is cool too Because the crew is as much part of our show Again, as a drummer, as a guitar player As Garth Brooks is Guys, I'm not As Garth Brooks is I'm not special I love this phony

But the third person is the ultimate thing Garth Brooks is, yeah The crew is just as important as the drummer The guitar player even as Garth Brooks is Yeah Everyone's important Everyone What I find also is people

Start texting me You're telling me stories about how during the show They'll start to watch the crew Which is cool too Because the crew is as much part of our show Again, as a drummer, as a guitar player As Garth Brooks is As Garth Brooks is

As G Wow As important as G is I love it That's such another country music thing Of like, everybody's just equal Just as important as the grips Everybody

Some of them are Not that they're not important But one of you guys If one of you doesn't show up for the night Kind of ruins the whole thing You know what I mean? Happy birthday to G So we missed that

That's what he says in there To G He says it to himself Happy birthday to G Happy birthday to G That's so cool, buddy Sweetness Sweetness

Sweetness Such a dad, man It's pretty cool, man And it's neat Such a dad boner He is the greatest He's an exemplary dad boner And you know he's probably a pretty good dad

You know Yeah, when he's faking that too I feel like you have contempt for him I do I just, there's something about this guy That doesn't, it doesn't run me the right way I just think that we're gonna find out in a few years Some dark shit

Oh, there's definitely some dark shit He's a little too cosby, you know He's a little too orchestrated and clean And everything's like in his nape That's what I'm talking about Especially like a famous guy Who's got access to tons of pus And whatever he wants

Give me a fucking break, you know Yeah, I know He's got demons howling He's a weird guy Yeah, he's a weird dude We're gonna know about that stuff later Do you see the spider in the sink? You saw that?

That's right This is a couple that they're on vacation I think they're in Mom's Strelia And they find a big, so there's some big ass spiders there Lots of critters in Mom's Strelia And they, you'll see Oh my God Fucking big, my old Jesus Christ

Okay, are you recording? Oh, I'm recording, I hate you Oh, Jesus Christ, see So big It's huge Oh, shit, my God So she's really scared Recording

He's pretty, you know, scared too So he's got the, they're getting a spray out They're gonna try to just dose it Douse it You alright? That one's alright Yeah, it's okay, it's okay I love the subtitles

Please, to the scene Give me one, give me one The subtitles are genius Maybe they live there, but she's She's not Australian, she's, you know Right, she has an Australian accent Which is so fascinating Oh, right, right

She's learned English She learned English in Australia Right, but she's not a native Australian Right, right Oh, there So then she gears up And they light up Wait, wait, wait

It's funny to hear someone with that accent But wait Here she goes Two, three You fucking dead Enough, enough, get to these hilarious Yeah, she kind of dropped a big word there She sure did

Never heard, I've never heard A Chinese Australian drop that on a slider That's what I'm saying Well, that's why we're at your mom's house Yeah, special Special, yeah You fucking dead Have you, I've done the

The lead up to Something like that, where you just scream Yeah, yeah, yeah You know, like for Anything you drop an embomber on it I didn't drop an embomber on it But I dropped a, you know, a lot of That's kind of like running into battle

That's modern day, you know Right, the spider That's domestic battle Right, that's a brave heart moment right there Right, yeah Because you're just like, oh my god Like, you just go for it She was terrified

So scary Dad, do you have the biggest bugs? Man I remember back during road rules Oh my god, so do I No, listen, it's a serious story So we used to stay in youth hostels That's a secret

You never really slept in the Winnebago We would check into youth hostels Was everybody just drilling each other in those hostels? No, no, actually, no We didn't, nobody slept with each other on my cast So the lights, the crew lights would be on In our bedroom We'd all sleep in the same room in bunk beds

Yeah And the lights would be on So all the bugs would be attracted to the lights So when the crew would leave at night And they turn lights out Yeah There would be a layer of bugs on the ceiling Like a layer of huge moths

And I would always get the top bunk Because I like top bunk And the bugs would just fall on me All night And I would put the sheet over my head And just Like, I'd feel them falling on me It was so gnarly

Australia's just so gnarly You can't just go like You fucking dare in here That's your bugs, right? I can't add nothing to kill them with, dude They just had to fall on me and go away Jesus It was horrible

I don't like that I really don't like that I really don't That's not cool or neat I know One time I was in Lima And a fucking sewer rat Got into the house

And they had a bodyguard Like security guy that worked there He beat it with a stick and killed it Damn It was like this big Damn It was terrifying With a stick?

Yeah, he got like a mop or something Just like clubbed the shit out of it How big were they? It was massive It was massive It was big It looked like I mean, no, not quite that big

But it was pretty big Dude In Cuba when I did that naval show They have those, what are those called? Neutria Anorats Yeah, they look like that Those are nasty

I remember you came back with all those videos of them And they were just everywhere They try to kill them all the time Because they overpopulate so much There's a guy on base Who drives around with a 22 That's supposed to shoot everyone that sees And that doesn't even put a dent in the problem

Like he'll kill 20, 30, 40 at a time Like it doesn't even put a dent in our problem Kind of a fun job though when you think about it I thought that was a blast If you have no ambition What a great job I mean, if you're stuck on an island And you're working on base

That's kind of the best job Here's a rifle, here's a truck He drives around and shoots these things Like fucking awesome, dude You and your bro just shooting Disgusting creatures That are overpopulating anyways That probably makes it easier

Because they're not cute You wanna see one? Yeah, I do I gotta be so nasty, Cuba There was some island I did a gig on Some military base here in California And they were overcome with

Was it raccoons? Yeah, raccoons Just so many, dude You see these So many And you could feed them They come right up to you They didn't give a fuck

You see these fuckers They're big, man Damn, dude, that is as big as our dog All over the island, man All over Look at this motherfucker drinking Drinking this guy's bottle, dude Yeah

So I guess, you know Maybe it's just fear Because they're new Maybe they're sweeter I know that they eat They're not like our sewer rats They just chew on, but eat vegetation there They're just eating, you know

But fuck, man The first time I saw one I think I've told the story before We pulled up to our first show And the lights from the van Were highlighting them And they weren't skittish They're just over there eating

But they're pretty close So the guy's like You can go take a look You can look at them So we all get out of the van And we start to walk over slowly And literally as we get I don't know

Maybe five feet from it You kind of squat a little more Because you're really taking in That you're seeing it in person And as I do that As I lean forward to get Like a kind of good glimpse of it One of the other guys on the show

Ran his two fingers up my back And I let out a I let out such a scream Like a high-pitched scream That they asked me if I was joking You know, they were like Wait, are you doing a bit? But that's how...

Gross Because I had that moment Yeah, I know Just like the spider Oh, and they spook you Let the record show by the way I have one, two, three containers of water How many do you have?

Everyone's over this right now How many do you have? All over it How many do you have? Curious, you have a disgusting soda And coffee Only dehydrating elements No hydration

No dehydration Because this is water No sugar No artificial sweetener No caffeine Okay But it's like sugar water It's not sugar water

It's fake sugar water It's Zevia Whatever We're switching The house has switched over From Laquac to Zevia I hate this because I don't like Zevia I don't like it

It doesn't taste good I like Laquac Now, we also had a revelation About Laquac What? It makes our stomachs hurt Couple of them And we keep drinking them

And I keep drinking them I'm done with them You're done, totally? I'm not into them Here's the fun thing about Zevia If you'll allow me Here's why I'm into Zevia I've gone pretty, you'd admit, pretty hardcore

With my no sugar intake I don't fuck with sugar at all An exception here or there But my day-to-day is no sugar Zevia is like keto-friendly sweetener In other words, there's some sweeteners Like fake sweeteners That have the same effect on your body

That sugar does Right, right This does not It's kind of an indulgence It makes you feel like Like I'm drinking a sweet drink You're doing a bad girl treat And therefore, it's more enjoyable to me

I understand I understand the logic Yeah However, it tastes like shit It tastes like just like a soda to me It's just like the gaze To me, it makes me thirstier And it makes my stomach feel weird

Both Laquac and the Zevia do Why don't you marry your mom and then see her? Why don't you... Ask them Ask them Ask, ask, ask them Go ahead Let me see if this is here

I'm trying to see if this is... I want to find something Man, that's what sucks about having that computer fucked Is that there's been... I don't need the F-word I know Let me see if this is... Yeah, this song...

We've had so many killer songs lately Yeah But you know how sometimes from moment to moment You get one stuck in your head Yeah The one that's been in my head Like, I'm hearing it as I'm falling asleep Is just like the gaze by DJ Boy Butter

That's when I played on the... In bed last night It's just like... It's so good Just like the gaze You're my son Yeah, yeah, yeah I'm your mom

You're my son I'm your mom Ask them Will you... Ask, ask, ask them Will you... Get your mom Yes, I would

You're my son I'm your mom It's just like the gaze It's just like... Just, just, just It's just like the gaze I looked at her and she looked at me Jesus, dude

It's just like the gaze It's so good Boy, it's the way he calls me mom, you know what I mean? The bold consenting adults Yeah Ask them, will you... Ask, ask, ask them, will you... I looked at her and she looked at me

You're my son I'm your mom It's just like the gaze It's just like... Just, just, just It's just like the gaze I cannot get enough of yourself It's amazing

Ask them, will you... Ask, ask, ask them, will you... It's just like the gaze Amazing You like... I think you would like goth music a lot more Yeah, you tell me that sometimes Because under whatever music

It sounds like goth music Well, you know I like that trancey kind of stuff You like Susie and the Banshees You like the kaleidoscope album You, you listen to that one Big Tones on Tail fan You love Tones on Tail Yeah

Yeah, Bauhaus Mm-hmm I've been thinking of Eyeshadow Dolls Oh, yeah With my Hans Yeah Finger Mayas That's, I think that's Ali, right?

Yeah, Ali Zimzieser That guy's been cranking out the hits on this show Which one is that? And then didn't he do the Taint Song as well? Was that him? He's done a bunch of things Or Fart, F-A-R-T Hey, um, hi

How are you? What's your name? What's your pronoun? I thought we can't play that one Oh, alright, yeah Yeah, that will For legal reasons Is this the one?

Yeah, this is it I love it Oh, yeah, this is really great Is that, is it this one? Yeah Double peep classic I love it Double peep classic

Double peep classic That's amazing Yeah, Eyeshadow Dolls Yeah, Eyeshadow Dolls I love it This is, sounds like a facade My classic song That I like

Burt is fat Burt is fat Burt is fat Burt is fat So good Burt is fat Burt is fat Burt is fat

Burt is fat Uh-uh, ready? Burt is fat Eyeshadow Dolls With my hands Finger my ass I'm going on a comeback Eyeshadow Dolls

With my hands Finger my ass Burt is fat It's fantastic Burt is fat Burt is fat Burt is fat Burt is fat

Genius These songs are just amazed The talent coming out of your mom's house So we had a crazy playlist playing When people were, you know, filing in For the shows Enough people pushed me for it Where I am going to put together a playlist

Alright So We're doing it finally Yeah, sorry About, yes I will get on that I promise Gene

Give me just like a week or so to figure it out Can you play the beatbox dad Glasson Holy shit That one was amazing We did this at the live show And I just can't stop thinking about How much I like it

I wanted to hear it again Yeah, that was amazing What happened was A guy took the The super The super hunter dad You know This guy

This glassing guy Glass and just glass Glass and Right Glass and dad Just glass and And when that guy First killed that moose

He made that crazy noise Right Yeah Like using studio Yes Studio G sound Oh yeah That's what they used to play

When they open up studio G Dad sound Welcome to studio G So That guy Just glass and A guy Made

A song A beatbox song Off Of His Um Off of those noises Oh my god

I love it I love it It's really amazing Where is it Where is it Uh A shadow dance A shadow dance

With my hands Finger in my arse I can't You can't find it Gene I just had it And I don't know where it is I just put it somewhere Um

Is it in the early show one? Late show Where is it? Song song I'll talk while you're doing this Yeah thank you Um I think I just want to mention The live show stuff

Oh you know in the past We were able to Stay afterward And take pictures with people And meet all the mommies But I just want you guys to know Like we're not Fucking dicks

That's why we're not Able to do it It's because The way that the shows were Stacked the seven and the nine Right it was seven and nine Yeah seven and nine thirty There was no time

If we will out there And do all that Like we have to reset immediately And then by the time The nine o'clock show let out It was already super late And we had to get back To baby jeans

And our nanny and stuff So just so you guys know We're not douche bags We just couldn't do it for time Yeah there was There was just no way It's too much Yeah

Um I have a search going for it Right now But I don't know where it is Alright We'll find it We're not today then Yeah

Next week Um Here's what I wanted to play for you Uh Oh we have Well I'll close with that We have another thing to do then But right now is a good time

Oh you should mention Um What you have Ah Exciting Ah I'm so Excite

So finally That's Deep Bro Has an official That's Deep Bro Bycast shirt Yeah that's awesome Congratulations I'm so excited

And uh It's a cool shirt I like the design a lot It's black That helps Yeah It's normal Um it's on Tom Segura's

Merch page Yeah TomSeguro.com You go to click on the store Takes you to Merch Method Yeah check it out guys Yeah Also that's Deep Bro

I know I'm on YouTube I record myself talking to nobody And I put that on YouTube And uh There you go I'm gonna interview a non-binary person Oh my god What's your pronoun

I know we'll find out Can't wait Yeah so that's Excite Check it out Thank you That's Deep Bro Bycast.com I got some big announcements

For my um Tour that I've been on One is that we added another show In DC at the Improv We added a late show Sunday So that'll be um That's available now We added a show in Burlington, Vermont

At higher ground We added a 7pm show Originally we had a later show Um Seattle We added a show at the Moore Theater That's on sale now So Seattle Meat Rattle

If you haven't Gotten your tickets yet You have a chance now For the late show Uh at the Moore Theater That is um April 14th is that show So get on it

Portland sold out Really far in advance And um I couldn't add a show The original weekend Because The next day's Easter So it kind of screwed with that

So instead I'm coming back to Portland One month later Same venue Revolution Hall And the added show is May 13th So

Don't sleep on those If you haven't Purchased your Portland tickets There's now an opportunity to go Uh May 13th That is also on sale Right now Um

So make sure you scoop those up I will be This weekend's all sold out I'm looking forward to it Um Long Island Montclair And Atlantic City Next weekend

In Canada It's all sold out And then The weeks after that I don't know Look them up ThompsonGura.com I'm going to a bunch of cities

Um So You know what to do Go get those tickets This is The Sun by the way This instrumental by Obi-Wan Kanoli Oh Obi-Wan is one of the old school Music makers on this show

Absolutely Love Kanoli stuff This guy is so fucking fun He's great Um Dates Okay, February 17th and 18th I'm um

February 17th at Hollywood I'm headlining the Hollywood Improv And then the 18th I'm headlining Flappers So come see me locally in LA April 13th through 15th I'm at the Brea Improv April 29th

Sorry, April 28th through 29th I've just added Sacramento At the Sacramento Punchline May 4th through 5th Phoenix Fartnix, Arizona Stand-Up Live May 19th and 20th

Ju-Dork Titties, Gotham Comedy Club June 1st through 3rd Denver What's Denver? Uh Momver? I don't know Denver

Dentur Dentur Denturbox Open Yeah, Denturbox Open ComedyWorks, Downtown And then June 16th through 17th Manfriend Disco At the Punchline Comedy Club

So come see me there guys Zzzzzzzz Zzzzzzzz Zzzzzzzz Yeah, it'll be good Hey, also check out our Hey Mommy's Thanks Jeans shirt We got that up at

TomScare.com in the store Don't forget, if you have some time today Your finger along your crack Oh my gosh You don't need to finger your hole I got it Your shit on your finger Yeah

I got it, I'm fucking ready I've been waiting to try these on Let's try it Which one do you want? I'll take my OG one So We had these at the live show Yeah, so we were sitting around

At Korean BBQ last week Planning the show And we thought, wouldn't it be fun To get some pup play masks How's the audio? Is that the sound thing? Hold on, let me help you I'm wearing my fetish mask right now

I'm wearing mine now too This is a little different But the same idea, you know The same idea What do you think of Well, what do you think? Do you like the experience? I understand the thrill

Of the tight latex What about the smell? It smells really powerful But I'm working on getting A more keen sense of smell The different parts of your underwear Feels right, I think I should take it off It's horrifying

Wait, it's horrible Let me try yours on It's terrible So Tom's got the original fetish mask For those of you just listening So this is the original black Terrifying one And then I got another one

That's a German Shepherd with A mouth open and crazy eyes And it is terrifying as well It's pretty crazy If you saw somebody walk up in this You don't think friendly That's a friendly guy This is terrible, this smells so bad

It's horrible We had a thing going about Which was more terrifying A lot of people go black Because it's the fetish mask right away But I still feel like There's something creepier Than the non-fetish mask

I do I don't think so Something about the googly eye Because you realize are in that This has fake eyes in it That's what it is The dead eyes It's dead fake eyes

Somebody walks up in this You don't know what's happening Yeah, but Blupan made a good point About the original fetish mask Is that there's no expression Oh, that's terrible That's so terrible I don't like that at all

Wait, that's way worse See? Yeah, wait Try this again Do it again Let me see I want to see the contrast So this is the original fetish

That is just terrifying See, that's like a rapist or a serial killer It's traditionally scary But it's telling you it's scary Right That one is misleading Try that one again, please It's a fucking prop show today

Well, I want to see Yeah, that one could be I'm robbing a bank or I'm raping you Oh, my God, your beard is sticking through the mouth hole So there's like beard Your beard is sticking in his mouth They're terrible Do you feel sexy, though?

I mean, I get that people like Some people just like wearing latex Right It doesn't personally arouse me But I understand why it's a thrill for someone I do I get it's like tactile thing Yeah

But wouldn't it rip It feels super tight on you But if you were to zip it up Because we couldn't zip it over your head Yeah Because it would trap your hair Doesn't it get caught to your Your hair gets caught and then

You have to have Vaseline up, I think Yeah, that would not be good Dude, I don't like those at all I don't enjoy wearing that shit at all, dude No, I'm not a fan of these It's so scary, right? No, it's just not my world We got, speaking of Garth, we got another

Dad boner here Oh, sweet Dad boner video Cool Of a dad who was driving And he saw a funny sign All right, so I'm driving Home

And I'm heading down Near the Auto Mall And I passed this strip club I glanced up at it At the I just glanced at it like on driving by And something that I saw come across this scroll Made me stop and want to film this

And I was fucking crying Well, let's see what it is It's so, so funny And it should be coming up soon Oh, it's right here Fucking He got fucking He got fucking cloned for he laughed at

I fucking quit Man He quit being a dad Did you hear that? Yeah, yeah You realize that that's what's out there? That's when you're like I wonder if this joke's good enough

Yeah, right That guy thought gluten-free lap dances Was the funniest thing he'd ever heard Did you hear that? Yeah So there's a scroll and it says Gluten-free lap dances I salute you for having a sense of humor

Yeah About it It's funny Would you laugh like that? No But that's the thing with dads is that They really get tickled by stuff Most of us don't

Like, I think what it is is like Your life gets so mundane As we've discovered being parents that You just get excited about little stuff Because you don't experience the world as much At least I don't Like, shit man, I watch a Ryan Gosling movie And I think it's like the best thing I've ever seen

Right I watched fucking No Strings Attached With Ashton Kutcher and Natalie Portman I was like, this is a funny movie Yeah, what happens? Yeah, I really thought it was good So your standards change Yeah

When you're locked in the house Well, yeah, when you're dealing with kids You're so innocent Your existence gets way more innocent I'm just interested I've never actually thought of it like that No, I'm smart I'm fucking gluten-free

Come on, man Gluten-free lap dances I've got a crazy mind over that I've got gluten-free lap dances Come on I like that a lot That was good Let me see if this came in

When we were doing this show Gluten-free lap dances That's the funniest thing I've ever seen It's so stupid You're my son I'm your mom I wanted to set this up I spoke to my dad

Oh, thank god What's up with that guy? Where's the... Where's the... Where's the... Where's the... Where's the... Oh, wait, the best part about our masks, by the way

Our pup masks is that You were out of town when they arrived And I took him out of the Amazon boxes Because I bought them on Amazon, by the way Using our banner You can find anything on Amazon Fucking fetish masks, you name it So, I had them out in our bedroom

Just like... Hey, dad I threw them on our couch there Like our little seat And our nanny sometimes makes up our room And I came back and she neatly folded Both fetish masks And I was like, oh, shit

You think she had any idea what was going on? No, kind of like... Remember the time the housekeeper Put your cock rings in plastic bags So she had to have known That was something hygienically That was something hygienically Not okay

My favorite part about buying those cock rings, by the way Well, not maybe not those But the first time I bought cock rings Was that I bought large thinking in my mind Large meant adult Right Not enormous Dick large

Yeah, I saw large and I was like Oh, like a large t-shirt Like an adult So I bought a shirt A cock ring For like a giant cock I could fold that cock ring in two And still stick my fingers to the sides of it

Because of how big it was Well, then our housekeeper Must have been really impressed No, as I was saying That was like... I'm talking about the first one I ever bought The one that she put was just a normal one But I think she probably thought

I don't think she knows what that is I think she does Because she put it in a ziplock bag And kept it by the bed Put your cock rings by the bed In the bag Right As if to say

This is disgusting that you just left it out To be in a plastic container Dummy What if she was on a cum strike? She probably is What if she was on one She's like I'm not clean, no cum, no cocking, no fetishments

She's cleaned up so much of your cum She does her bed sheets and stuff Yeah, she doesn't realize she's doing it though She knows she wears plastic gloves That's true She knows you're an animal But at least she doesn't, you know, make a thing of it What?

She doesn't make a thing of it Oh, make a thing of it Right Well, yeah, I talked to Top Dog and I got him What you wanted him to do To speak Spanish? I got him to try some Spanish Yes

Now the sound is kind of shitty because he's on... He's driving He's on his Bluetooth But, you know, you can still hear him Hey, buddy How you doing? Good, good Good

Good I'm driving up to see my brother Oh, nice, you guys gonna hang out? Tomorrow, yeah, I'm gonna spend the night in St. Mary, Georgia And then we're gonna hang out tomorrow And then I'm gonna drive back tomorrow evening Yeah This way, mom

Only has to be alone I mean, she's having some... But, you know, she hates when I go away Yeah You know what's funny? Next to your brother Like, you're like a choir girl Because he's such a savage

Oh, my brother? Oh, my God Yeah It's true We're rock-biter, we're talking about Oh, that guy's... Such an animal Such a...

And not... We don't mean it like sexually... No, no, no Fun or anything like that Just a savage barbarian Yeah He's just such a guy The ultimate

Yeah The old clock one time, he's having a budge And he blows his nose with his napkin Yeah And then he has a Q-tip And he's cleaning it out of the ears And then he puts the used Q-tip In his shirt pocket in front

What the fuck, man? That's so gnarly I remember that I know, it's gnarly That was gnarly That was gnarly, yeah Jesus You know, it's...

What the military does to you It... Kind of turns, you know When you're around guys a lot I mean, you know, he had two... Two overseas tours with... With just, you know What he...

Vietnam watched and Thailand watched And when you're hanging around just guys You know, you really don't have to worry about manners Right Yeah, that's so true Yeah Because when he's around me Like my dad, especially if he's with his brother

They, um... They fall apart more They start taking pride in like being... It's like they're hanging out Yeah, they start to be more gross Remember when you wanted a massage at our wedding And Rockbiter thought that was the queerest thing That he'd ever heard

Things have really fucking changed since my day Yeah Just like a... It's a resort We're at a resort And then he's like, what are you doing? I was like, I'm gonna get a massage And he was like, what?

I was like, you know, just get a massage And he was like Guess it's really changed my time And I got up and walked away like disgusted He thought you said get your manny petty Yeah In his mind Yeah, I'm gonna get my facial and stuff too

Can we do your eyebrows, Uncle? Yeah He looks like a Rockbiter Yeah I see that That definitely Yeah You know, I mean

You know, I use a knife and fork Because I have to It's, you know But, you know Yeah, I think if I live by myself I probably just use my hands Okay Sure

Absolutely It's a lot It was a lot easier Okay Yeah I mean, that's what the caveman used to do You know You know, they didn't have knives and forks

And napkins And Various stewed observation, yes Yeah They just used their Each other and grabbed it and chewed it out And, you know, the air blots, the old The old Viking movies, you know

I mean, you talk about A savage group of people Yeah Oh, my gosh You would have been good in that You would have been good in that era I couldn't I couldn't, you know

I acted out of my air blots But I could have been a Viking Okay I think so Hey, um I was thinking about your The fact that you've been married to a Spanish speaker For this long now

There you go What's the anniversary? Is this going to be 41 or 40? 40 This is going to be 41 41 Jesus How much Spanish do you think you know?

I know just key sentences and phrases I would say on a scale of one to ten I'm a two What are some of your key ones that you know for sure? Uh, like, say, Say, Say, Say,

Say, Say, Say, Say, Say, Say, Say, Say,

Say, Say, Say, Say, Say, Say, Say, Say,

Say, Say, Say, Say, Say, Say, Say, Say,

Say, Say, Say, Say, Say, Say, Say, Say,

Say, Say, Say, Say, Say, Say, Say, Say,

Say, Say, Say, Say, Say, Say, Say, Say,

Say, Say, Say, Say, Say, Say, Say, Say,

Say, Say, Say, Say, Say, Say, Say, Say,

Say, Say, Say, Say, Say, Say, Say, Say,

Say, Say, Say, Say, Say, Say, Say, Say,

Say, Say, Say, Say, Say, Say, Say, Say,

Say, Say, Say, Say, Say, Say, Say, Say,

Say, Say, Say, Say, Say, Say, Say, Say,

Say, Say, Say, Say, Say, Say, Say, Say,

Say, Say, Say, Say, Say, Say, Say, Say,

Say, Say, Say, Say, Say, Say, Say, Say,

Say, Say, Say, Say, Say, Say, Say, Say,

Say, Say, Say, Say, Say, Say, Say, Say,

Say, Say, Say, Say, Say, Say, Say, Say,

Say, Say, Say, Say, Say, Say, Say, Say,

Say, Say, Say, Say, Say, Say, Say, Say,

Say, Say, Say, Say, Say, Say, Say, Say,

Say, Say, Say, Say, Say, Say, Say, Say,

Say, Say, Say, Say, Say, Say, Say, Say,

Say, Say, Say, Say, Say, Say, Say, Say,

Say, Say, Say, Say, Say, Say, Say, Say,

Say, Say, Say, Say, Say, Say, Say, Say,

Say, Say, 01:14:04,000 --> 01:14:05,000 Say, Say, Say, Say, Say,

Say, Say, Say, Say, Say, Say, Say, Say,

Say, Say, Say, Say, Say, Say, Say, Say,

Say, Say, Say, Say, Say, Say, Say, Say,

Say, Say, Say, Say, Say, So, Say, Say,

Say, Say, Say, Say, Say, Say, Say, Say,

Say, Say, Say, Say, Say, Say, Say, Say,

Say, Say, Say, Say, Say, Say, Say, Say,

Say, Say, Say, Say, Say, Hey, Say, Say,

Say, Say, Say, Say, Say, Say, Say, Say,

Say, Say, Say, Say, Say, Say, Say, Say,

Say, Say, Say, Say, Say, Say, Say, Say,

Say, Say, Say, Say, Say, Say, Say, Say,

Say, Say, Say, Say, Say, Say, Say, Say,

Say, Say, Say, Say, Say, Say, Say, Say,

Say, Say, Say, Say, Say, Say, Say, Say,

Uh, Say, Say, Say, Say, Say, Say, Say,

Say, Say, Say, Say, Say. Say, Say, Say,

Say, Say, Say, Say, Say, Say, Say, Say,

Say, Say, Say, Say, Say, Say, Say, Say.

Say, Say, Say, Say, Say, Say, Say, Say.

Say, Say, Say, Say, Say, Say, Say, Say,

Say, Say, Say, Say, Say, Say, Say, Say,

Say, say, Say, Say, Say, Say, Say, Say,

Say, Say, Say, Say, Say, Say, Say, Say,

Say, Say, Say, Say, Say, Say, Say, Say,

Say, Say, Say, Say, Say, Say, Say, Say,

Say, Say, Say, Say, Say, Say, Say, Say,

Say, Say, Say, Say, Say, Say, Say, Say,

Say, Say, Say, Say, Say, Say, Say, Say,

Say, Say, Say, Say, Say, Say, Lay, Say,

Say, Say, Say, Say, Say, Say, Say, Say,

Say, Say, Say, Say, Say, Say, Say, Say,

Say, Say, Say, Say, Say, Say, Say, Say,

Say. Say, Say, Say, Say, Say, Say, Say,

Say, Say, Say, Say, Say, Say, Say, Say,

Say, Say, Say, Say, Say, Say, Say, Say,

Say, Say, Say, Say, Say, Say, Say, Say,

Say, Say, Say, Say, Say, Say, Say, Say,

Say, Say, Say, Say, Say, Say, Say, Say,

Say, Say, Say, Say, Say, Yes! Yes! Isn't that a maze?

That is, I mean, who is this horn? God damn, that was so good. How do people even hear a song in that, you know? Just Glass and Beatbox by DJ Dadmoose. Unbelievable. It's so good. There's definitely no other podcast that has discovered this level of musical talent out there.

I'm serious. Well, and it's interesting too because this with the hey mommy thanks jeans phenomenon, it's like you think it can't get any better? Yeah. And then some other mommy comes and escalates that game. Right. Like we thought we'd exhausted the just glass and guy. Yeah.

And then this shows up. It's just, it's so fascinating. It's so good. Yeah. It's a really crazy man. Oh, pepperoni. Let's see. Which one has, should I drag over a file here?

Yeah. Just glasses. Just glasses, glasses. Glass of file. There's a gender non-binary boy. It's your pronoun. Here. I got a, maybe you can, oh, that's from last week.

God damn it. Is it the week before? It was 381 last time we did it. Yeah. Wait. Here we go. I don't think we have played. You see.

Oh, hey mommy. Thanks. Thanks. I'll just glass for a minute. No worries. All right. I'm done glassing. In your bucket.

I'll just glass for a minute. What quantities do they come in? Are you talking chicken? Yeah. Chicken. Yeah. Yeah. So on its own, we do pieces of five, nine, 12.

We've done this one. That's one. Okay. 21. What about this? But in like the family buckets and stuff, we have the mega bucket. Hey, jeans.

Could I get a number one with no onion and then another double pipe plastic with no onion as well. Another double, double with no onion as well. And a sprite to keep myself hydrated. Yeah. That's fine. Okay. Are we ready to see the car?

No. I'm all right. Mommy. I said, I'm all right, man. Awesome. What did you say? No onion, one fry and one minute, seven out. Awesome.

Perfect. Okay. If you're here after it's whatever, 11, 20, 6, 3. Cool. Thank you, mommy. Thank you. I like that he laughs. I like that he broke.

No one breaks. See, he broke. That's Brennan. Good job. Hi. Hi. Show it up when you're ready. Nice.

Hey, mommy. Can I just grab a regular sized soy cappuccino? It's just funny when they go, hey, mommy, like when they go right into it. Yeah. He's wearing a DJ dab mask. Yes. I love it.

It's really fun. I want one. Yeah, I'll get, just give me a second just crossing. I've got to get something for a bit. I'll grab a cinnamon scroll as well please. Yeah. Hi. Hi.

Show it up when you're ready. Hey, mommy. Can I just grab a regular. So that one that you suggested here. OMG. Are you guys ready? Buckle up for this one. Let me see.

Let's see. Down there. Is it here? Yeah. Do you guys see who that is? Hey, mommy. How are you doing today? I'm doing, I'm just glassing.

Can I get a number one? For people listening, this is a police officer in uniform, in his squad car. Yeah. There's a gun behind him. Isn't that? Yeah. That's his racked shotgun. Yeah.

It's, I mean, he's on the job right now. Who is? Amazing. With a vanilla iced coffee please. Here's a can of one size. Let's keep a high and tight and go large. I just want to wait a lot of competition, trying to reward myself, you know. I didn't even get a little iced coffee or anything else.

Do you guys buy chance carry LaCroix sparkling water? No, we do not. No. What kind do you have? What do you have? What do you carry? What water? We have Desani just regular water and then we have just that water.

Okay. I'll take two bottles of Desani please. Desani. Okay. That's two, right? Yeah. Great. I have a couple friends that think they're the water champs, but we all know who the

real one is. That's it. Thank you. Unbelievable. Would you like to try three cookies for an ally today? Oh, no, thank you. Okay. Thanks, jeans.

Amazing. Amazing. Law enforcement. We've had improv comedy club phone answer. Now a policeman. We've had people working in liquor stores. That was so funny. The guy before was Jared.

I don't know the police officer's name. That was amazing. Oh, I'm just glassing today. Can you give me one second? All right, mommy. I'm ready. What would you like? Can I get a number 10?

All right. What would you like to drink, sir? Mushy purple. We don't have that drink, sir. You don't have grape juice or grape soda? No, sir, we just have it. Mushy purple. All right, jeans.

Can I get a Mountain Dew Baja Blast then? Where is he ordering from? Yeah, jeans. Can I get a double pipe classic? A double decker taco? No jeans. That'll be it. All right.

Love you, mommy. Hilarious. So good, guys. That was Jordan. Love you, mommy. Thanks, jeans. That was really good. Yeah, they get better and better, man.

We played some at the live show. Oh my God. They were unreal. I'll say some of those again. That girl had a really killer one. Can I get another coffee? Can I help you? Can you give me a moment of just glassing?

Not a problem. Can I get... You realize, too, that the funny thing about that expression is that one really nobody needs explanation. Yeah, it kind of is intuitive. It's intuitive, yeah. You're just glassing. Oh, you're looking?

Yeah. And I feel like we helped introduce this word into the lexicon. We did. We did. It existed, but... It existed, but I feel like we've given it a push. Yeah. White mocha, 20 ounce.

Damn. Do you like that hot or cold? Let's do it iced. And also, let me get a bottled water. I got to stay hydrated. Okay, would you like the... With whip, please. And would you like speedy water or regular purified?

Regular water is fine. Is that all for you? Yeah, that'll be all. All right, pull around. All righty, thanks, Jeans. That was fantastic. That's Louie. I like that the guy laughed.

Yeah, of course. Because it's such nonsense that someone tells you, I got to stay hydrated. Stupid. Yeah. I imagine if you're on the receiving end of that ordering, though, that you probably can't hear a lot of what people say. Oh, right.

Most of the time. That's part of what people were like, okay. Now, if you want to up your hey, mommy, thanks, Jeans game, if you do it face to face with a waitress, which you do. Yeah. That's, I'd say a hundred bonus points face to face. Yeah. But the caveat being you can't do it to a native English speaker.

Yeah. You've got to do it to somebody who English is a second language and not a very good one at the point. Well, you can do it. You can do things when they're like, hey, we've got a table right here for you guys to go. Thanks, Jeans. Thanks, Jeans.

Yeah. And then they're like, hey, enjoy your meal. Like they don't pick up on it there. If you're looking straight at them, you're like, hey, mommy, I mean, that might be different. Yeah. I think you did it to our Asian waitresses. I think you did it last night when we were eating sushi.

Yeah. You said, thanks Jeans a lot. Yeah. And then my favorite is when you're always like, thanks gorgeous. Yeah. Thanks beautiful. It's so horrible. Oh, could you bring me the choppy get a chance?

Beautiful. And they're like, okay. You're just some shitty white guy. I know. I got, I got good news. What? Another Ollie Caesar song. Oh, I love it.

So, um, It's just like the gaze. It's just like the gaze. So thank you guys for listening. Uh, I hope you'll get this fucking computer fixed. Yeah. It's weird.

Um, Have you tried restarting it? I want to get costume money. Definitely. It better not cost more than $100. I know. I know the rules. All right.

Uh, Have you tried restarting it? Your mom's house podcast.com. Don't forget Tom Segura.com and 1000 ranch.com. Canada. That's deep row podcast t-shirt at Tom Segura.com in the shop. And there we go. Get the,

Get the newest deep row shirt, Please shop through our Amazon banners. And, Um, We'll see you in a week jeans. Bye, mommy. My mommy's We love you.

Team G. It's just like the gaze. It's just like the gaze. The gaze. Hey, Hey, Hey, Hey,

Hey, Hey, Hey, Hey, Hey, Hey, Hey, Hey,

Hey, Hey, Hey, Hey, Hey, Hey, Hey, Hey,

Hey, Hey, Hey, Hey, Hey, Hey, Hey, Hey,

Hey, Hey, Hey, Hey, Hey, Hey, Hey, Hey,

Hey, Hey, Hey, Hey, Hey, Hey, Hey, Hey,

Hey, Hey, Hey, Hey, just like the gaze, just like the gaze, just like the gaze. Yes, I would, yes I would, yes I would. Thanks for watching!